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) : a h a Jokes h imagine the weekend I've had!!"
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunchtime, she said 'Sorry about the wait’ I said 'Don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'. *
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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, he found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me? A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!' *
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An old man walks into jewellers with a gorgeous blonde and asks for a special ring for the lady. The jeweller says "Here's one £5,000." The old man says "No I want a very special ring." So he pulls one out £65,000, he says "That's the one, I'll write a cheque and when it clears on Monday we'll come and fetch it." On Monday the jeweller phones the old man and says "There's no money in the account." The old man replies "I know, but can you
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A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.' *
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer... The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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