How to Make Your Holiday a DISASTER!

o to Ma e Your ol ay a Disaster! by Amanda Harper eady to completely ruin your entire holiday season? We thought so. Who doesn’t want to show up completely unprepared, hog all of the attention, start a fight, then drop the mic and leave?

Who doesn’t want to (allegedly) give food poisoning to the entire family, then sulk about it for a month when they dare to say a word? Who doesn’t want to make a few kids cry during the Most Wonderful Time of the

Year?! If you’re ready to suck the joy out of the next two months, boy do we have some tips for you… followed by the actual advice you should take to ensure you still have friends by the time 2023 rolls around.

The A ring o riev es

There is no better place to tell everyone what you think about them than at the dinner table. I mean, c’mon, you’ve got a big, captive audience for your outburst. Bring on the drama! Ask your sister what’s up with her chaotic love life. Goad that couple about when they’re going to “get pregnant.” Confront your uncle about that rumor you heard back in February. Drag any ol’ skeleton out of the closet and let it see the light of day. And heck, while we’re having such a good time, let’s bring up politics and religion! Nothing says family togetherness like intentionally bringing up topics that you know will divide the table in half. Forget tact, decorum and compassion – you’re out to stir more than one pot this holiday! Actual advice: keep it civil! You can ask your loved ones how their lives are going, but be mindful of topics that might be sore spots and leave those topics for another day. Keep things light. Not sure how to keep the conversation flowing without everyone going for the jugular? Focus on your gratitudes and reflect together on pleasant memories.

Who Let the Dogs Out?

Pay no mind to what the dogs are up to – surely they're on their best behavior, not getting into potentially dangerous situations or hounding your guests!

W n ngs Are ust a Suggest on

Look, you know what you’re doing. You can figure it out! You don’t need some “instruction manual” or “recipe book” to tell you how it’s done. You certainly don’t need to make a list of any sort – groceries, gifts, to-dos… whatever. You’re just going to wing it and hope for the best like our forefathers did! So what if you can’t get anything done because you keep forgetting stuff? George Washington would be proud! Actual advice: Instructions and warning labels are designed to make your work stress-free – and to keep your guests safe from things like salmonella. Lists help you stay on track and not forget anything – like thawing the turkey, buying evaporated milk or picking up Jerry and Elaine from the airport. No one has to know that you didn’t do it by the grace of God and your own pioneer spirit.

Oh Ye Ta e T AT Att tu e

Feelin’ like playing The Grinch this year? Feeling grumpy, grouchy, rude, crude, sulky, sullen, snarky, sarcastic or all-around bah Humbug? Well now it’s everyone else’s problem, too! Be as cranky as you care to – everyone else can just deal with it. Actual advice: While you can’t help your feelings, you have control over how you express them. If you can’t muster holiday cheer, we get it; this time of year can be stressful or even sad for many people. But you can honor your emotions without acting like a Scrooge. Take some time to journal, talk to a professional, share your feelings in private with someone you trust and bow out of activities if you know you’re not going to be up to it. Changing your perspective can be a game-changer; try to see this day through the eyes of a child and experience some of that wonder.

Procrast nate No

Why do today what you can forget to do tomorrow? There’s no reason to get a jump on any of your holiday projects – from cleaning and grocery shopping to checking off your gift list – when you could just do it later! There’s plenty of time, right? Actual advice: It’s later than you think! While the whole point of this season is to enjoy yourself, it also brings with it a hefty to-do list. Grab a calendar and map out the things you must do. You’ll quickly realize that you’ve got very little time to waste time.

You no What No Let’s Do t ALL

Actually, no. You’re not a procrastinator. You’re as proactive as they come! In fact, you’ve got a long, long list of DIY projects, recipes, mini-celebrations and photo-ops planned. Your social calendar is bursting at the seams. You’re going to do ALL THE THINGS! Actual advice: Take it down a notch. We’re not saying that being the Holiday Cheermeister is a bad thing, but we do think that you’re headed for some serious holiday burnout. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to make a pictureperfect holiday season happen. Stop and be present in the moment. The best, most lasting memories happen spontaneously. If something isn’t completely perfect, that’s perfectly okay!

E ross

Actual advice: We know that most "picky" eaters actually have sensory issues or severely limiting dietary issues. But the holidays often mean that people are cooking for a crowd, and it can be very difficult to properly accommodate your needs when everything is already so hectic. If you're worried about finding anything you'll eat on the table, bring your own dish (or drink), even if it's not a potluck. While we hope your host will cook with you in mind, we don't want you to wind up getting hangry because someone "forgot."

ve T t ons the B r S ve Th s Stu n Du e

It’s your holiday season, dang it, and you’re going to do it YOUR way! Turkey is for the birds – you’re serving grilled steaks and hot dogs this year. Screw cranberry sauce, stuffi ng, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie and all that “comfort food” people always serve… you went to White Castle! Holiday movies and music make you sick, so it’s experimental jazz fusion for the evening. Going around the table and saying what you’re “thankful” for is so hokey – just skip that altogether and sit in silence.

Actual advice: While you don’t have to incorporate every tradition, it’s important to recognize that the people you’re celebrating with will want – nay, expect – some of their favorite holiday foods, celebrations and songs included in the big day. If some of it is just a little corny? That’s part of the fun!

10-12 White Castle® Sliders, no pickles 1 1/2 cups Celery, diced 1 1/4 teaspoons Thyme, ground 1 1/2 teaspoons Sage, ground 3/4 teaspoon Black pepper, coarsely ground 1 or 1/4 cup Chicken broth (See Directions) 1. In a large mixing bowl, tear the Sliders into pieces and add diced celery and seasonings. 2. Add 1 cup chicken broth, toss well 3. Add ingredients to Casserole Dish and bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes. 4. Or to stuff the ingredients into the cavity of the turkey, prepare ingredients as noted above, but reduce chicken broth to 1/4 Cup, then cook as you normally would. 5. Makes about 9 cups (enough for a 10-to-12-pound turkey). Note: Allow 1 Slider for each pound of turkey, which will be equal to 3/4 cup of stuffi ng per pound. courtesy whitecastle.com

Angry Cooking

Actual advice: Put the knives down, Susan!

Let the Secret Out

Look, it’s time. This kid is WAY too old to think Santa is real. Since their parents aren’t going to take the reins, it’s time for you – a person with absolutely no horse in this race – to step in. And while we’re at it, it’s talk about the Elf on the Shelf, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. Actual advice: Keep your big mouth shut! Letting a child experience a little joy and wonder in this world is the greatest gift you can give. They’ll find out in their own time. Until then, let ‘em believe!

More Gifts = More Love

The most tangible measure of how much you love someone loves you is the number of gifts beneath the tree. If someone doesn’t get you anything – or worse, gifts you a stupid peach candle that you know they just dug out of a closet somewhere – then they clearly don’t care. Actual advice: You know that’s wrong, right? If you let yourself really experience all the love that the gift-giver is passing to you, then what’s in the box doesn’t really matter, does it? Shift your mindset: intention is all that matters. (I mean, sure, a new car would be nice...)

But DEFINITELY Play Favorites

Heap all of the gifts, food, praise and attention on one person. Maybe you really like them. Or maybe you’re doing it out of spite, a petty little way to stick it to your sister or deadbeat nephew or grandma or whoever. Praise one kid and criticize the others. Buy a luxury purse for one sister and $5 candles for the others. Have an entire one-on-one conversation with your partner while everyone else sits uncomfortably in silence at the dinner table. ‘Tis the season to be passive-aggressive! Actual advice: Look, fair is where a hog goes to get a ribbon. But it is always a good idea to try to be equitable with your attention and gifts, especially when you’re the host. And if you need this advice, reread our first point in this article.

Worry More

How is it all going to get done? If you don’t juggle all of these tasks, who will? Where is great-grandma’s sterling silver gravy boat? What if the turkey doesn’t thaw in time? Who is going to say grace? How many pies did you need to make? Should you double that? What if everyone brings guests they didn’t tell you about? What if no one shows? What if the ghosts of your ancestors appear above the table and ask why you didn’t use the cloth napkins?! Actual advice: Take a deeeeeep breath. The holidays are certainly full of stressors. But look around yourself; where are you actually creating more stress for yourself? Wherever possible, delegate, delete or divide and conquer; delegate what you don’t personally need to handle, delete anything that is unnecessary and divide your to-do list into more manageable chunks. And truly consider that if you arrive to the big day and absolutely everything imaginable goes wrong, what are you losing if you’re all making the best of it together? (Tell your anxious brain to hush for a moment; the actual answer is absolutely nothing. You’ll all load up in the car and head to Cracker Barrel to have a meal you’ll laugh about for years to come.) •