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Still holding onto an old grievance? The ‘F’ word doesn’t mean condoning what someone did. Forgiveness is actually about choosing mental peace for your own benefit, writes Catriona Ross
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orgiveness is the best form of self-interest, according to Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu. The antiapartheid activist and chairman of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) witnessed the suffering of many, and realised forgiveness is how we can bring peace to ourselves and the world. As patron of The Forgiveness Project he says, ‘You can come out the other side a better person; a better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining that way locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the
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perpetrator to become a better person too.’ In The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves And Our World , Tutu and his daughter Mpho, an Anglican priest, explain how granting forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give ourselves when we’ve been wronged. They break the process down into four steps: telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship. The process may require acknowledgement on the part of the perpetrator that they have committed an offence, as in the TRC hearings. Forgiveness helps you accept situations that seem unfair (say, your rent has been increased), unexpected traumas (a loved one dying suddenly), and wrongdoing: in such cases, try to ensure that justice takes its course, then let go – because holding a
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ART OF FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness helps you accept situations that seem unfair (say, your rent has been increased), unexpected traumas (a loved one dying suddenly), and wrongdoing EDGARSCLUB.CO.ZA
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WRITE A FORGIVENESS INVENTORY
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It’s important not to try to sweep your feelings under the carpet. As American author and Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön advises in her book The Places That Scare You, first acknowledge what you feel – shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse. Then forgive yourself for being human. Then, in the spirit of not wallowing in the pain, let go. ‘Each moment is an opportunity to make a fresh start,’ she writes. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies, and it can greatly affect your general health and energy levels. According to the Mayo Clinic in the USA, forgiveness can lead to improved mental health, lower blood pressure, fewer symptoms of depression, less anxiety, a stronger immune system and improved heart health.
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As Eckhart Tolle, Germanborn author of The Power of Now, puts it, ‘Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life – to allow life to live through you. The alternatives are pain and suffering, a greatly restricted flow of life energy, and in many cases physical disease. The moment you can truly forgive, you have reclaimed your power from the mind.’ You will feel noticeably lighter, agrees Dr Doreen
Virtue, American author and motivational speaker, in The Lightworker’s Way. Remember that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re saying ‘I was wrong and you were right’. She recommends taking a forgiveness inventory: listing every single person, living or dead, who’s ever annoyed you, including yourself (even pets!). Then release and forgive. Alone in a quiet place, hold the image of each person in your mind and tell him or her, ‘I forgive you and I release you. My forgiveness for you is total. I am free and you are free.’ Visualise it and repeat it until you feel lighter. It’s good practice to do this every night, to release any resentments from your day. OPEN TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE
Certain skills help to cultivate forgiveness, according to The Forgiveness Toolbox (theforgivenesstoolbox.com). These include relinquishing a rigid viewpoint, putting yourself into someone else’s shoes to promote empathy, and resisting conformity when you’re trapped by your family or community’s sense of victimhood and are expected to play their victim role: if you’re willing to be the ‘black sheep’, you can discover the full story and move beyond the ‘always guilty other’ and the ‘always innocent me/ us’ narrative. Of course, feelings can’t just be flipped around, but you can shift towards a new way of operating in the world, their experts explain. ‘Hatred and resentment have a tight grip in the same way that the more one focuses on a problem, the more ingrained it becomes. Forgiveness results in a loosening of that tight grip.’ And it’s in that space that the possibility for healing and a new perspective can be found.
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grudge only eats away at you, not the perpetrator, and prevents you from putting your time and energy into other fruitful avenues.
Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies, and it can greatly affect your health and energy levels