Healing from Conversion Practices & Ideological Detransition

By Ky Schevers (she/her)

My old group, the detransitioned radical feminist community, made up many of our own theories and methods for dealing with gender dysphoria. We associated with anti-trans lesbian feminist communities which isolate themselves from both mainstream and queer/trans culture. Practically all the information pertaining to my old group is writing by myself or other people who’ve left or from journalists or researchers we’ve spoken to.

Still, over the years since I retransitioned, I’ve managed to find many ways to heal.

I want to share what’s worked for me in hopes that it’ll be helpful for other trans people who’ve survived conversion practices. While some of what I discuss will be most relevant to conversion practices based on anti-trans feminism, I believe some will be more broadly applicable. I hope at least to show that healing from anti-trans conversion practices is possible. Often just knowing that another person has dealt with the same kind of suffering and gotten though it to a better place is enough to find relief.

Cutting Ties With Transphobia

Before I could start healing, I had to cut ties with my old group. I stopped talking to members of my old community and wrote to a few people who’d abused me and told them not to contact me anymore. I also blocked many transphobic detrans people’s social media accounts, both people I’d known and those I’d never met. I needed space and safety from my old group and transphobic detrans people in general before I could start healing.

Accessing Mental Health Resources

Once I’d done that I could start working through intense feelings connected to trauma from undergoing conversion practices and belonging to a high-control group. I’ve mainly done this through meditating and writing, both of which help me process my emotions. I’ve sat with feelings of grief, violation, sadness, regret, guilt, horror, rage, disappointment and shame. I’ve written a lot about my feelings and experiences, both in private journals and also writing that I make public to inform people about what going through ideological detransition is like.

Forgiving Myself

As I work through my trauma, I learn to feel compassion for myself, recognizing and caring for how I’ve been harmed. Feeling compassion for myself helps me develop empathy and solidarity with trans and queer people from a variety of backgrounds. I push myself to make connections with people who are different from myself, while also discovering commonalities. I use caring for myself as a starting point for connecting and working with others. After spending years living according to a strict interpretation of lesbian separatism, I savor the ability to connect with people from diverse backgrounds and experiences.

Reconnecting With Trans Siblings

Connecting with trans people after years of distancing myself from the trans community is healing but difficult. I spent a season working on a farm with lots of queer and trans people, which was an amazing experience but brought up a lot of grief. I realized how much I’d lost in my years of being disconnected from other trans people and how distorted my views

PHOTO CAPTION: became under the influence of anti-trans feminism. Both were hard realizations but necessary for me to heal. I’ve also made connections with trans-friendly detransitioned people, who I still have much in common with.

A picture I took of some ghost pipe flowers that came up in a wooded area near to where I used to live in Amherst, MA. That summer many mushrooms ended up coming up and also those ghost pipes. That forest was a refuge for me while I was working through a hard time in my life and seeing the ghost pipes seemed especially auspicious, since they only come up in the right conditions and don’t last very long.

PHOTO DESCRIPTION: A cluster of ghost pipe flowers that have come up in a forest.

They're translucent with a pinkish, blueish white tint and look ethereal.

BEING ACCOUNTABLE & FORGIVING MYSELF

Acting on my compassion for others means taking responsibility for harm I caused while I was a detransitioned radical feminist. I work to change myself and make up for my past actions. This includes apologizing for harm I’ve caused, both in general and to specific people. I also do opposition research and share what I know about the antitrans movement with trans researchers, journalists and the larger trans community to help resist antitrans activism. Recognizing that I’ve hurt people is disturbing but taking responsibility for that harm is ultimately freeing. I can’t start acting differently if I don’t admit to myself that my past behavior was wrong and damaging. Owning my past actions helps me move forward with my life. It’s some of the hardest and most healing work I’ve done.

I’ve worked to unlearn transphobic and transmisogynistic beliefs I internalized while I was an anti-trans feminist. I’ve learned more about trans women’s history in feminism such as reading up on how activists at Camp Trans challenged the transexclusionary Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival (which I presented at as a detrans radical feminist). I read the work of radical trans women activists/ feminists from the 70’s onwards, learned about trans-supportive cis and genderqueer lesbian feminists, and trans men who lived as lesbian feminists before transitioning. Contrary to what TERFs may claim, trans people have always been part of feminist and lesbian communities.