from Conversion Practices & Idealogical Detransition by Ky Schevers

Continuing My Trans Education

I’ve done research to better understand what I went through and dissect my old beliefs. I’ve read about conversion therapy, the ex-gay movement, cults/ high control groups, hate movements, ecofascism and abuse. Two books on cults have been particularly helpful. In Bounded Choice, Janja Lalich describes how cults control people’s psychology and behavior while acknowledging that they still retain some degree of agency. Matt Remski’s Practiceand All is Coming was helpful because of how he connects cults with abuse culture. His book helped me make sense of how some members of my old group reacted once I left and began speaking out. I’ve also dug into the history of ideologies that inspired my old group, including lesbian separatism, ecofeminism, Neo-Paganism and Dianic witchcraft. Understanding where and how ideas develop helps me detach and look at them more objectively, so I can come to new and better perspectives.

In a more cathartic moment, I ripped up my copy of The Transsexual Empire. Internalizing the transeliminationist ideas in that book caused me years of suffering, so it felt good to tear it apart.

Continuing My Healing Journey

After spending years processing trauma and grounding myself, I felt ready to reread old journals, emails and other writing from when I was a detransitioned radical feminist. Rereading that material was hard and brought up a lot of feelings but helped me deepen my understanding of what happened.

Realizing that I wasn’t “crazy”, that instead I’d been abused and manipulated took time, reflection and research. Another struggle has been realizing that how others hurt me still counts even if I harmed other people and that acknowledging that doesn’t mean I’m dodging accountability.

Throughout my healing process I’ve been learning to trust my inner voice and talking back to the internalized group norms and voices of specific abusive people. At the beginning the internalized voices were very loud but now I hear my own voice much more clearly. It’s an ongoing process that connects with creating my own story/ understanding of what happened, as distinct from the story people in my old group wanted me to tell. Retransitioning has meant integrating both my transition and detransition, giving myself space to let my feelings about gender evolve, to figure out what I am and what I need. I experimented with packing and binding, two practices that were stigmatized in my old group as “self-harm”. While giving myself freedom to be whatever I am, I also practice giving that freedom to other trans, genderqueer and gender-questioning people. Everyone deserves the space to be whatever they are.

Supporting Other Trans People

More close to home, I’ve happily supported my husband Lee’s choice to take testosterone. S/he stopped taking T partially under the influence of propaganda from my old group. After spending years in radical feminist groups that exaggerate the risks of HRT, I admit I was nervous when s/ he decided to go back on T but seeing how s/he benefited helped me work through and challenge what I’d internalized.

Healing from Conversion Practices & Idealogical Detransition by Ky Schevers

In the years since I left and started healing, I’ve been patient with myself, knowing that it’ll take time to heal from six years of conversion practices/ ideological detransition. I take my time working through things, not pushing myself. My old group claimed to have solutions ready to deal with my problems but instead their ideas and methods ended up creating more suffering in the short and long run. So now I give myself time to figure out what’s actually going to help. I might spend a lot of time feeling confused or like a mess but over time the work I’ve been doing pays off as I find more healing and clarity.

To sum up, a lot of what’s helped me is working through and processing feelings, self-education to understand what I went through, creating a new story of what happened, taking responsibility and working to repair past harm, connecting with others and participating in queer/trans communities. It’s all part of a larger process that helps me reclaim myself, my voice and my life.

AUTHOR BIO: Ky Schevers is a retrans genderqueer butch dyke who writes about surviving conversion practices/ ideological detransition. She also does opposition research monitoring the anti-trans movement and works to create better resources for detrans and retrans people.

WEBSITES: reclaimingtrans.com healthliberationnow.com