Ball Guide 2014 by Trinity News

Ball Guide 2014

CONTENTS

COCKTAIL CHART

MORNING AFTER

PREVIEW: EXAMPLE

2MANY DJS

10 12 14 15 MILES KANE

DO’S/ DON’TS

CELTIC SHIFTING

PHOTO SHOOT

24 32 34

MUSIC PREVIEWS

SNEAKY DRINKS

SEX DIARY

Editors Henry Longden & Elaine McCahill Creative Director Atalanta Copeman-Papas Copy Editor Lola Boorman Contributors Cian Clynes // Roeland Doherty // Caroline Dorgan // William Foley // Sarah Lennon Galavan // Sorcha Gannon Louise Hynes // Tara Joshi // Michael Lanigan // Alex Milne-Turner // Eva Short // Alice Wilson Special Thanks Trinity Publications // Matthew Mulligan // DU Fashion Soc Andrew Murphy & Dupa // Vintage Cocktail Club, Temple Bar

SPIRIT OF THE NIGHT ALEX MILNE-TURNER GIVES US A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR PREDRINKS WITH THE LEAST EFFORT POSSIBLE

Add style to your Ball pre-drinks without complication. With this simple list of ingredients, you can follow this flow chart and create eight delicious and versatile cocktails. Build the drink in the glass you’re planning to serve it in, without a shaker, strainer or any complicated liqueurs, or feel free to scale up the ingredients if making larger, punch versions. Just start with the spirit of your choice, muddle the base of fruit, sugar and citrus juice using the back of a spoon, and then stir with the same spoon. A good cocktail is about balance, and as long as the balance is there, your cocktail will fair well.

SIMPLE SYRUP RECIPE

As easy as the name suggests, simple syrup is one part sugar and one part water boiled on a hob until a viscous syrup is created.

It provides a silky texture and dilution that granulated sugar doesn’t offer, and when combining 12.5ml with 25ml of citrus juice and 50ml of the spirit of your night, you have created the fundamentals of most cocktails. You don’t have to use these measurements exactly, just stick to the ratios. ALL ILLUSTRATIONS BY ALICE WILSON

HANGOVER CURES

FOOD FOR THOUGHT FOLLOWING A HEAVY NIGHT, CIAN CLYNES TALKS US THROUGH THE BEST SPOTS TO REST YOUR HEAD INDULGE IN THE LUXURY YOU (SORT OF) DESERVE. The day after Trinity Ball can be a rough one for those of us who may have pushed the boat out the night before. Sometimes the only solution, when you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, is to fight fire with fire and find solace in an excellent cocktail or tasty craft beer to help ease the pain when you’re hurting. We suggest you dust yourself down, gather your friends and make your way to one of these gastronomic locations to share stories from the night before over an excellent brunch. From classic Bloody Marys to sharing platters, here is a look at our picks for the best places to help you get through that particularly tough Saturday.

WHITEFRIAR GRILL

There’s good reason why The Whitefriar Grill is one of the most popular brunch spots in Dublin. This Aungier Street eatery delivers on all fronts for a perfect post-ball brunch; food, cocktails, atmosphere. Their Vege Dream Hash and Norwegian Eggs are the perfect wake-up delights to soak up events of the night before. However, be warned. Their superb drinks menu offers us some of the most potent cocktails seen on any brunch menu in Dublin. You might start out with the House Bloody Mary or the Camden Banger, however, if you can’t take the heat this morning, the “anti-fear potion” is a gentler wake-me-up. AUNGIER STREET, D2.

BEER BATTER FISH & CHIPS (serves 4)

RECIPES FOR DISASTER.

For the batter: 75g corn flour 200g plain flour A few pinches of sea salt 33cl bottle of ale 2 generous splashes of white wine vinegar

DID ALL THAT DANCING BUILD UP YOUR APPETITE? HAVE YOU GOT THE HANGOVER MUNCHIES? HERE ARE SOME TASTY TIPS OF HOW TO USE YOUR LEFTOVER ALCOHOL WITHOUT PUTTING YOURSELF THROUGH IT AGAIN.

For the fish: 4 generous splashes of sunflower oil 50g plain flour A few good pinches of sea salt 4 x 200g thick white fish fillets – haddock is good 4 large potatoes, baked, cut into wedges, fried in olive oil. Batter: Mix the corn flour, plain flour and salt together in a large bowl. Make a well in the centre of the mixture and beat in the ale and vinegar. Whisk until a smooth creamy consistency is achieved. Fish: Gently heat a deep saucepan. Fill it halfway with sunflower

HANGOVER CURES

THE EXCHEQUER

While your friends are desperately searching for the Panadol, you can lounge around in the more than comfortable surroundings of the Exchequer Gastropub. The Ledger of Liquor in this award winning gastropub offers up the most extensive beer and cocktail menu in the city. With over 60 beers in stock and an impressive cocktail list, there is something to fit every taste. While drinks aren’t cheap here, grab a few friends and split a pitcher of Bloody Mary, which serves 6, for €30. The super smoothie with apple, gooseberry, blackcurrant, banana, strawberry, oatmeal and Greek yoghurt (€5) may be a more sensible way to ward off a nasty hangover. EXCHEQUER STREET, D2.

oil (careful of the hot oil). Put the flour into a bowl and season with the salt. Roll the fillets around the bowl until they are covered in flour. When the oil is really hot, coat one of the floured fillets in the batter. Using a spatula lower the fish into the oil. Fit as many as possible in the pan. Cook for around 5 minutes until golden and crispy. Remove from pan and place on kitchen towel to absorb excess oil. Repeat until all are cooked. Serve with potato wedges.

BEER CAN CHICKEN (serves 4) 1 half-full can of beer 1 Chicken 2 generous splashes of olive oil A handful of thyme A few good pinches of salt A substantial shake of black pepper Preheat oven to 180°C. Season the chicken, and cover in olive oil. Place the chicken on top of the half-full can of beer so that it is sitting up on the roasting tray. Scatter the thyme around it. Put the tray on the lower rack of the oven and cook for up to an hour and a half.

THE GINGERMAN

The Gingerman is hardly a secret among Trinity students. This is where to go for those seeking a cheap, low key boozy meal in familiar, comfortable surroundings. The low lighting and dark wood furniture will prove easy on the senses while the bar staff will be sure to take pity on your fragile state and rustle up a decent burger and chips or lasagne for those in search of simple soakage. If the weather is up for it, head back towards college, lie on the cricket pitch, take in some rays and remind yourself of how much better you’ll feel tomorrow. FENIAN STREET, D2.

VODKA PENNE (serves 4) 350g plum tomatoes, finely chopped 50g butter 125g bacon or pancetta bits 1 large onion, finely chopped 3 large cloves garlic, finely chopped 60ml vodka A couple of red deseeded chillies, finely cut A few decent shakes of salt and pepper 500g pasta 2 generous splashes of olive oil A handful of parsley or basil, finely chopped 175g grated parmesan A few good pinches of salt A substantial shake of black pepper Melt butter in a frying pan over moderate heat. Add Pancetta and cook until crispy. Add onions and garlic. Cook until golden and translucent. Remove the garlic. Add the tomatoes and chillies. Simmer and stir every now and again for around 10 minutes. Season. Meanwhile cook pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and return it to the pan. Drizzle pasta with olive oil. Add sauce to pan. Mix. Serve, garnish with herbs and offer parmesan on the side.

EXAMPLE TARA JOSHI LOOKS AT THE ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER OF ELLIOT GLEAVE, AKA EXAMPLE. FROM RAP TO DANCE, HIS CAREER IS VERY MUCH STILL ALIVE.

Known best by his nickname (which came about due to his initials making up the abbreviation E.G.), Elliot “Example” Gleave has been making waves on the radio since 2006. His initial releases were all very much indebted to his love of hip-hop, a genre that enraptured him from his first listens to the likes of Wu-Tang and Snoop -— indeed, the school-aged Gleave found himself becoming fascinated by the whole scene, partaking in plucky rap battles at parties from the tender age of twelve. He built upon this love of music at university, befriending producer Rusher and self-releasing tracks at the same time as doing his Media Arts degree (while also garage MCing on the side for money). After graduation his releases were starting to make an impact, making enough of an impression on the likes of BBC Radio 1’s Zane Lowe and Mike Skinner (formerly of The Streets) to get him signed to Skinner’s label. From there Example gained much momentum and recognition, becoming a familiar name particularly when putting out Vile, a scathing, wry response to Lily Allen’s Smile. Of course, the big songs were yet to come, and it was finally in 2010 (after a brief, seemingly incongruous stint attempting a career in stand-up comedy) that Gleave made his breakthrough with the release of his second album, Won’t Go Quietly. It was from this record that the absolute club anthem Kickstarts came, with its upbeat, euphoric vivacity, vibrant sirens of synth and vaguely romantic conceits in the lyrics: Example had sealed himself a place in the charts and the minds of clubgoers across Europe. Playing in the Shadows, his third album, went straight to number one in the UK charts, and featured another one of his big hits, Changed the Way You Kiss Me, with its glitchy ripples of synth and broody chorus. As all of this might imply, Example’s music has certainly grown away from his rapping roots, instead owing more to the brash, catchy dance songs of the likes of Calvin Harris. It is telling that, ahead of album number five, Live Life Living (out later this year), Example has stated there will be no rapping at all on this next release. Whether you want to relive those heady, hazy first year nights of Top 40 tunes in Alchemy or get a listen to his new stuff, Example’s set at Trinity Ball will definitely be an entertaining one.

2MANY DJS

Anybody familiar with How I Met Your Mother might recall an early storyline based around the fact that a person living in New York cannot honestly call him or herself a New Yorker if they have never accidentally spotted Woody Allen. The same logic is applicable to the world of electronic music with 2manyDJs inasmuch as seeing them is not exactly an achievement, but it is a necessity in order to validate any claims of your being more than a casual fan of DJ culture. You see, there are few things in this world you can bet your life savings on, other than the fact that the Belgian based duo will be doing a set in Dublin on more than one occasion each year. However, their ubiquity is not an excuse to pass up a chance to see them, considering how exciting, eclectic and unpredictable their mixes can be each time they take to the stage. Arguably one of the most successful side projects on the planet, 2manyDJs is essentially the never-ending mixtape of Soulwax’s David and Stephen Dewaele, who surfaced in the late 90s with their distinct brand of electronica and unconventional music elements twisted into dangerously addictive songs. However, with their alter-ego group, the two brothers hit the big time back in 2002 when their critically acclaimed As Heard on Radio Soulwax Part 2 became the must-have compilation, bridging the gap between dance and every other genre under the sun. Consisting of 45 tracks, with one hundred plus songs melded together, they blended countless classic and cult artists into a single hour-long mix, from Dolly Parton and the Cramps, to Vanessa Paradise and Iggy and The Stooges. Following this up with a further twelve volumes of As Heard on, and then with 50,000 Soulwax Fans Can’t Be Wrong they made a name for themselves as two of the hippest DJs for hire. Thereafter, while maintaining their prolific output of remix albums as Soulwax, including one Nite Versions release and This is Radio Soulwax, the brothers moved into the world of composing and compiling soundtracks. Working on music for films such as 21, Steve + Sky and most recently, a slot on the fictional radio station Soulwax FM in the video game Grand

Theft Auto V, they essentially injected their extensive record collection into every aspect of the media, before taking on the internet with their latest project: the Radio Soulwax website. The page plays 24hour mixes, seven days a week and has been the sole reason for their seven-year silence in terms of producing the much anticipated seventh, as of yet untitled Soulwax LP, rumoured to be due out later this year, once their online project has been completed. Until then and back from a brief relax after fulfilling their festival circuit duties over the summer, which included a slot at Oxegen 2013, 2manyDJs has resumed its near-constant state of touring across Europe and America. Still at the top of their game, making Emerson, Lake and Palmer and Guns ‘n’ Roses songs socially acceptable to dance to, there is nowhere else you should be this Friday for what should be one of the best DJ sets of the night. MICHAEL LANIGAN.

MILES KANE Ball goers are certainly in for a treat as — much like one of his Burberry suits — a performance by Miles Kane can be expected to be sharp, cool, and extremely well put together. Brace yourselves for a gig that’s packed with tonnes of raw power, rapturous energy and spine tingling flair. Merseyside is an area that has long had a thriving pop and rock music scene, particularly since the Beatles popularised Merseybeat. It’s no wonder that Miles Kane, a 28 year old Paul McCartney look-alike, has been dubbed as one of alternative pop’s prime retro-visionists. Kane formed his first group Little Flames with childhood friends, which later became a 3-piece called The Rascals. This Liverpudlian band, who described themselves as having their own distinct sound of “awesome rockin’ beats” with a “psychedelic quirk” and a “compelling and unique dark underlying spirit” went on to support none other than the biggest thing to come out of Sheffield since steel.... yep, The Arctic Monkeys. Kane developed a strong friendship with Arctic’s frontman Alex Turner on this tour due to their mutual musical influences, and the Last Shadow Puppets was born. Their 60s-drenched, eponymously-titled album soared straight to number one in the UK and Ireland, and won them the Mojo Breakthrough award in 2008, as well as a plethora of other nominations. In 2009, after his last tour with The Rascals, Kane left to focus on his solo career, with a classic, smart, 60s mod theme in mind. This saw him release two top 10 UK albums, Colour of the Trap (2011) and Don’t Forget Who You Are (2013), which between them scored an impressive 72/100 on metacritic along with several prestigious nominations. And with rousing and rambunctious earworms such as Come Closer, Rearrange, and Taking Over it’s easily understood why. In fact, Quicksand from his album Colour Of The Trap features on the soundtrack for The Inbetweeners Movie, and Don’t Forget Who You Are in Fifa ‘14. Kane has written tracks with Liam Gallagher and the Modfather himself, Paul Weller. He has also supported festival giants Kasabian, while becoming a festival favourite himself, with perhaps the highlight so far seeing him perform at Glastonbury in 2013. With a number of festival appearances lined up for this Summer after his European Tour he seems unstoppable. Mr. Kane certainly is all style and all substance. CAROLINE DORGAN.

FEATURE

DO’S & DON’TS

Trinity Ball is a night to remember whether you’re an excited fresher or a jaded post-grad. As an experienced hack and devoted attendee of the Trinity Ball, here are a few tips for maximising your time at Europe’s biggest private party. For girls who’ve already been to the ball, this is a no-brainer but as a fresher I would really not have known the extent of the cold/filth I was in for at the ball, so girls, don’t wear a full length dress, it will get covered in mud and ripped and there is nothing worse than your dress being pulled by the lad moshing behind you. Do try and wear something comfortable and bring a coat. That applies for the lads too. It will be freezing and no amount of drink/pills will keep out the early April chill. You’ll be glad of

EDITOR, ELAINE MCCAHILL PROVIDES A GUIDE TO ENJOYING THE TRINITY BALL FROM FASHION TIPS AND TRICKS TO SNEAKING IN DRINKS.

FEATURE turn to our shoot on page 15 for more. If you can’t stretch to buying a new rig-out there are plenty of places to rent a tux from that won’t break the bank either such as from Suits You on Liffey Street or Dorian Black of South Anne’s Lane. When collecting your tickets, do try and get entrance via the Front Gate. It’s a far grander moment than shuffling around through Nassau St. If you’re running late enough they usually let you in at Front Gate regardless but be warned, the gates close at 12 and many a cinderella has been left out in the cold for arriving late. On that note, make sure you have your ticket when leaving the gaff/pre-drinks/pub. I know a girl who forgot hers two years in a row due to not double checking. No one wants to be heading home in a cab alone at 11pm. Pace yourselves. It’s a long day/night so don’t get so sloshed before you leave that you won’t get in or that you’ll pass out and have to leave early. It’s no craic and your friends will not be pleased if they have to bring you home because you got too messy. On that note, organise or go to a solid pre-drinks party, it’s usually the best part of the night, the only part where you’ll take loads of pics with all your mates and it’s better than going to an event in a bar you never drink in. Don’t bring anything expensive/valuable/sentimental with you. No one wants to be one of the girls bawling to the security guards in the arts block on Monday morning because they wore a priceless family heirloom to the ball and lost it. I’ll never forget her howl as the guard told that if someone hadn’t found it, the cleaners probably thought the diamond bracelet was “from Penny’s and threw it out.” It’s honestly not worth it but if you do lose your belongings, check in with security after the weekend. Do eat before you go, there is food available at the Ball in the form of Abrakebabra vans and the sort but what you need is serious soakage before you start the night using our fabulous cocktail recipes on page 4. It’s really not worth it to be hammered at pre-drinks and then eating an epic amount of toast to try and sober up asap for fear of not getting in or peaking too early. I’ve been there and it’s no craic. If you’re planning on sneaking drink in, there are a couple of fail safe options. Girls, embrace your assets by sneaking zip-lock bags of your spirit of choice into the ball by putting zip-lock bags filled with booze into your bra. Always works. Failing this there is always the tape a naggin to your leg option and lads can always sneak a bottle in in their crotch. For these and more fail-safe ideas check out our feature on page 32. You will get lost. End of story. Just go with the flow and enjoy your surroundings, you’ll find random people you haven’t seen in ages, make new friends and eventually get re-united with your mates. People will never text you back so make a plan to meet at a certain act if you’re afraid of getting lost. If you decide to go for a quickie at the ball, please don’t do it in a portaloo. Last year I had the unfortunate chance to witness a couple drunkenly lock themselves into one, only to have a group of lads quickly push it over, they emerged covered in shite, miserable and sans-shag. Behind the buttery is a far shrewder location to choose for a mid-ball riiide. Look up the bands. There’s always a debate about the quality of the line-up but regardless there are always plenty of cool up and coming acts so check out the out and make up a spotify or youtube playlist for the week before. Trinity Ents always have a solid pre-ball playlist available on spotify to save you the hassle.

ALICE WILSON it when the tents are packed and you’re floating around trying to find your mates. Next one, do not wear heels. Even with the news paths, it is a serious no-go. The ball lasts from ten until five am, not including your extensive pre-drinks. Your feet will hurt, you will fall, you may break your heels. It will be a nightmare. The girls I know who’ve had the best times are the ones who’ve worn boots, brogues or just flats and honestly this is just non-negotiable. Lads, if you’re heading to the ball and don’t have a tux yet, do consider buying one. It’s a solid investment, especially if you’re in your freshman years as there are many a ball still ahead of you. Topman have a great selection of suits at really reasonable prices,

FEATURE

THE CELTIC GUIDE TO SHIFTING WILLIAM FOLEY GIVES US AN ALTERNATIVE GUIDE TO GETTING THE SHIFT THIS TRINITY BALL. APPARENTLY WE CAN LEARN SOME LESSONS FROM THE CELTIC MYTH OF DEIRDRE AND NAOISE, AND FIND A MAN BY GIVING OFF AN AIR OF MYSTIQUE, INTRIGUE AND DESIRABILITY These days, most guys find it as easy to get the shift from a girl as sneeze on her. The mechanism behind this modern commonplace is simple: supply and demand. Walk into any club and cast your eyes over the dancefloor. You will see a throng of sweaty, horny girls descending predatorily on a small group of lads. In such a competitive environment, a man can set a high price on his favours and it is not uncommon to see the plainest of boys stumbling into a taxi followed by a supermodel-level squeeze who will probably pay for the ride back to her place. In this unrepentantly unfair world, it sometimes seems that all the plainer gals can do is rail futilely against the inequities of the system. Worse, it appears that if a girl really wants to strike lucky, she must often abandon her dearly held egalitarian political principles. A recent study released by the ESRI showed strong correlation between “getting the shift” and sexism (see Figure 1 below). So what is the thoughtful, sensitive, and politically current Classics or HistPol student to do when she find that she has no-one to warm her bed but her mansized hot water bottle and her copy of Thucydides’ History of the Peloponnesian War? Should she scatter her principles to the wind and hunt someone down, without regard to his innate human dignity? If not, how can she expect to find true love at Trinity Ball, the most magical event of the academic year? No such atavistic recourse is necessary, at least for she who has sufficient knowledge of Celtic mythology. The myths and legends of pre-Christian Ireland are replete with ripe examples of women deploying a range of winsome tactics to seduce their lovers. There isn’t space here, unfortunately, for a full exegesis of the Celtic mythological canon — the keen student will have to pursue such knowledge in her spare time if she wishes to become truly proficient. Nevertheless, a few examples of the famous story of Deirdre and Naoise should suffice. (Note: all extracts are taken from JM Synge’s dramatic rendition of the tale). Deirdre is a princess of Ulster. Her culture is, of course, as far removed from the present day as can be imagined. However, her idea of the perfect man closely approximates the contemporary ideal: “A man with his hair like the raven, maybe, and his skin like

the snow and his lips like blood spilt on it.” It’s an image to set the knees of a thousand adolescent girls a-shaking. No wonder they call Ronan Keating “The man whose bloody lips launched a thousand ships.” She has her mind set on finding this paragon of manhood, and even her suitor Conchubar (the High King of Ulster no less) cannot distract her with the prospect of the hunting dogs that he is thoughtfully breeding for her — just as our graceful Classics student cannot be swayed by the gauche Blackrock boy who coarsely flashes his daddy’s cash. Fortunately Deirdre manages to rebuff Conchubar’s insistent advances and that very night Naoise comes to her dwelling looking for shelter. The moment when she first addresses him is crucial as it reinforces the necessity of establishing a good first impression. “Do not leave me, Naoise,” she says, “I am Deirdre of the Sorrows.” Deirdre’s coyly flirtatious opener compels Naoise to stay and he sits down and says: “You are Feidhlim’s daughter that Conchubar has walled up from all the men of Ulster.” Deirdre now knows that her previous aloofness has bestowed upon her a certain cachet — an air of mystique, intrigue and desirability (a great argument for chastity if ever there were one girls!). She knows that she has hooked Naoise’s interest — now she must reel him in. “Do many know what is foretold,” she says alluringly, “that Deirdre will be the ruin of the Sons of Usna, and have a little grave by herself, and a story will be told forever?” Her words are well chosen and she now has Naoise’s full attention. She tells him about how she stalked him during the night and listened in on his singing and she describes herself as being “the like of a ewe looking for a lamb that had been taken away from her”. Now she seals the deal: “isn’t it a small thing is foretold about the ruin of ourselves, Naoise, when all men have age coming and great ruin in the end?” Naoise’s animal passions have been fully aroused by her honeyed words and he cannot wait to whisk her from her hillfort and carry her with all speed off to Scotland, safe from the cuckolded wrath of Conchubar (or so they think — spoilers: it doesn’t end well). With any luck, if you follow Deirdre’s seduction tips, then you’ll be have the pick of any man at the ball. Before you know it, you’ll be eloping with him to Scotland – or should I say Hotland!!! Good luck ladies.

FASHION

PLAYING IT SMART 15

FASHION

STYLING: KATIE MURPHY AND LOUISE HYNES MODELS: SABINA GRECU, EVA O’ LEARY, PAIGE REYNOLDS, CAOIMHE GLANCY, ROB NOLAN, ALEX TURNER, OBIORA AMOBI, ED MAJEKODUNMI. CLOTHES: WOMEN, ALL TOPSHOP. SABINA - RED JUMPSUIT 78E, SHOES : CINDERS. CAOIMHE - PEACH SUIT, BLAZER 85E, TROUSERS 46E, SHOES: CINDERS. PAIGE - BLACK RUFFLED CROP TOP 46E, BLACK TULLE SKIRT 25E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. EVA - WHITE SHORT PLAYSUIT 64E, WHITE BLAZER 76E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. ALL JEWELRY MODELS OWN. MEN, ALL TOPMAN ROB - NAVY ULTRA SKINNY SUIT 170E (JACKET 120E, TROUSERS 50E) SHIRT 34E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. ED - NAVY SKINNY TUX SUIT 218E (JACKET 150E, TROUSERS 68E) SHIRT 34E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. ALEX - BLACK ULTRA SKINNY SUIT 170E (JACKET 120E, TROUSERS 50E) SHIRT 26E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. OBI - BLUE SUIT 180E, (JACKET 130E, TROUSERS, 50E) SHIRT 26E, SHOES: MODELS OWN. PHOTOGRAPHER: ATALANTA COPEMAN-PAPAS PHOTO ASSISTANT: MATTHEW MULLIGAN

FASHION

LE GALAXIE

T.E.E.D.

quick glance at this year’s line-up for the Ball reveals a significant number of acts leaning towards the electronic and dance side of the musical spectrum, which has become a slight controversy amongst ticket holders. With a large portion of the music devoted to DJ sets, there might be a frustration over the lack of live bands. However, one of the most promising acts due to perform is Le Galaxie whose style caters to both types of attendants. Digital and tangible, their “grid versus guitar” sound is a fierce jolt of euphoria worth rooting out in both the live and studio setting. So when I spoke with their charismatic lead vocalist, guitarist and synth man Michael Pope, his unbridled enthusiasm gave me another reason to get motivated to make more of a regimented plan for the night. No mean feat on his front, considering we were communicating via email. The Dublin electronic quartet have made a name for themselves as one of the must-see live Irish acts since their advent in 2008, bearing all of the virtuous hallmarks and hook laden numbers that you might hear on a DFA release. However, having spent the best part of the last year working on their second album, following up 2011’s Laserdisc Nights 2 and the 2012 EP Fade 2 Forever, they have only performed a handful of shows in Belfast, Limerick and Galway as of late. In spite of this retreat from the live setting, Pope spoke to me with high hopes for Friday night, proclaiming “Trinity Ball will be the biggest show of the year so far”. It will be their first time playing at the Ball, but Pope appears to have a clear image of what to expect on the night already: “I know that all the dudes start the night looking like James Bond and by the end, they look like James Van Der Beek. That’s cool. The ladies of course maintain their dignity throughout the night and are ushered home by horse and carriage at 4am”, before adding that “Le Galaxie won’t be in black tie but will be

otally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, sometimes known as TEED, is the moniker of electronic musician Orlando Higginbottom, a title chosen based purely on the fact that it is incredibly uncool — there would be no danger, Higginbottom has previously said, of Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs being a name that will fall out of fashion, as it will never not sound somewhat ridiculous. Son of the choral conductor at New College, Oxford, Higginbottom was raised in a household where he was taught to appreciate all manner of music. At the age of twelve he was excited by Jungle music that he heard on his elder brother’s mix tapes, and from there he became passionate about collecting music for his turntables during his teens, discovering hip-hop, R&B and reggae as well as funk and house. Such was his passion for music, Higginbottom went on to have a brief stint as a music teacher in schools, employing a fascination and enthusiasm for music that can be heard in his own output. Dazzlingly minimalist rhythmical beats with soaring, euphoric synths rushing around Higginbottom’s straightfaced but surprisingly sweet vocals and stunningly tentative lyrics (“I could be the dog to your bone…or something”), there is something very subtle, relaxed and strangely visceral about his sublime brand of dance music. The past few years have seen him releasing some fantastic remixes, most recently a spar-

raining hot electro juices down on everyone who turns up, so bring an umbrella.” After offering an almost entirely accurate picture of how the night typically pans out, with added surrealism for good measure, he hinted at the dropping of new material into their set. As to what these previews might be, the obvious addition for their new album is lead single Lucy Is Here, which has already been released and praised by fans and critics alike. But in terms of unheard material, Pope mentioned their next new number up for public consumption, called Humanise and described by him as being “a Jackson 5 meets Hot Chip banger”. After that and scheduled for a summer release to possibly coincide with album number two is a duet with MayKay from Fight Like Apes entitled Carmen. While not making any outright promises, the Ball will effectively be their last outing before the band retreat into an LA studio with former-DFA house engineer Eric Broucek to mix these thirteen new tracks. Thereafter they will be in preparation to tour extensively over the coming months for what Pope is labelling their “summer of love!”. “We won’t be playing as many Irish festivals this year, the big one is Longitude, but we’ll be touring Austria, Spain and the US, followed by Australia in the autumn. It’s going to be a glorious adventure, or maybe we’ll have a big fight in Supermacs and never see each other again.” And on that note, I swore to myself that I could not afford to miss their gig, and the reasons? One, because even if that was tongue-in-cheek, it’s best not to take a chance. Two, I cannot afford Longitude and three, when they take to the stage with their frenzied wall of sound and later, close off the show with the “national anthem” (AKA The Jurassic Park theme song), were I to miss out would be to deprive myself of one damn fine show. So I’ll tell you now, listen to Spike Lee and just do the right thing. MICHAEL LANIGAN. kling, sparse take on Disclosure’s F For You, though his previous mixes have included dabbling in more mainstream, pop acts such as Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. After releasing several very well-received EPs on Greco-Roman — most famously the Household Goods EP — 2012 saw TEED releasing his much lauded debut album, Trouble on Polydor. It is a record which showcases clever, exciting tunes that gently burrow their way into your head, slowly building up in rich, wonderful layers of sonic delight that all but force you to dance. Jerky but smooth, energised but fragile, there is, at times, something otherworldly about TEED’s music. Garden, perhaps his most well known song, showcases perfectly his twinkling, glitchy sound with the beautiful interplay between female vocals and his own singing, with wistful, romantic lyrics like “I believed in something too / one more life with you”. Higginbottom is also incredible live, donning his dinosaur suit and basking in mesmerising light — when you’re lost in the sea of the Trinity Ball crowd, TEED’s music will make it incredibly easy to lose yourself in his bizarre and beautiful labyrinth of sounds. Just take a listen to one of his sublime Boiler Room sets to get a feel for the stunning mixes and exciting tunes he’ll be spinning in his DJ set. He might not be wearing his headdress for this, but it seems fair to say that TEED’s show will still be nothing short of spectacular. TARA JOSHI.

PREVIEWS

DUKE DUMONT

The news that Duke Dumont will be featured on the Trinity Ball line-up made a lot of electronic music fans in Trinity very happy indeed. The 31-year-old English DJ and producer, born Adam Dyment, first appeared on the electronic music scene in 2007, and quickly became a sought-after remixer. His work with songs by the varied likes of Lily Allen, AlunaGeorge, Bonobo and Beardyman stood out with their throwback feel to classic 90s house with a deep, modern vibe. Tiesto and Avicii started playing him on their podcasts and DJs all over the UK realised his uplifting sounds always guaranteed a crowd-pleasing part in their set. Listen to his euphoric remix of HAIM’s Falling and try to stay still when the beat kicks in. He has since moved on to make more original material, and his success attained new heights last year when his song Need U (100%) featuring A*M*E became a smash hit. It was #1 on the UK Singles Chart in April 2013 and also charted in Belgium and the Netherlands. The official video has over 15 million views on YouTube. His latest effort, I Got U featuring Jax Jones, seems set to do very well too, with a fantastically shot video and a summer, exotic sound that is sure to get people in the mood for sunshine and parties. Listing Chicago house DJs from the 90s as his influence, Duke Dumont always tries to incorporate a soulful vibe into his music, something he thinks is lacking from commercial EDM nowadays. His father, a part-time record dealer, introduced him to motown and soul at a very young age, which echoes through in the warm and comforting feel of his dance music. Not wanting to be limited by any creative control, Duke Dumont never signed to a label and instead has started his own, Blasé Boys Club. He seems perfectly content with his current status as producer and DJ, and says he is not after huge mainstream appeal or even creating a cohesive album, he just wants to continue making good, slightly different music and be free to do what he wants. If you like to dance, and enjoy the likes of Disclosure or Chris Malinchak, Duke Dumont stands out as an act not to be missed on the night of the Ball. ROELAND DOHERTY.

CHLOE HOWL

Chloe Howl’s catchy electro beats and colourful aesthetic, combined with her gorgeous vocals and frank lyrics, marks her out as a Lily Allen-esque star for 2014. A singer-songwriter from Berkshire in the south of England, she has been recording and releasing her music since the tender age of ten. And at nineteen, she’s no less impressive. Leaving school at sixteen, she was soon signed to Columbia records, and has spent the last three years working on her debut album, which is due to be released this summer by Columbia and Sony. Howl describes her music as “steak and kidney pop”, in opposition to the less meaty bubblegum pop of her contemporaries. This charming title encapsulates her wry look at youth culture: “No Strings / Kinda hope I have twins” goes a line of her single No Strings, about meaningless hook-ups. Her adorably freckled face and pixie haircut can be misleading: Howl conveys the give-a shit attitude of a cynical youth, “Fuck your no strings and your ‘Hey I’ll ring’.” She delivers a refreshing adolescent self-awareness, as her lyrics deal with the boredom, the bullshit, and the precariousness that come with the territory of being young and stuck in suburbia: “All my songs are about being a bored teenager, ‘cos I am one.” 2013 saw a host of live performances for Howl, alongside invitations to support the likes of John Newman, Alex Clare and Bastille (a headliner of last year’s Ball), and nominations for the BBC’s Sound of the Year 2014, and the Brits Critic’s Choice. Past winners of the latter have included Adele, Emeli Sandé and Ellie Goulding, and Howl is a similarly exciting female musical presence, and a fun performance to look forward to. SORCHA GANNON.

PREVIEWS

GIRL BAND

One of the brightest rising bands in Ireland at the moment, Girl Band are gaining worldwide attention as a creative and intriguing post-punk/no-wave four-piece. Heavily distorted guitars give well-melded form to a sound which somehow finds its way through each song. Their live performances have garnered even greater applause, and this certainly promises to be a highlight of the ball. Girl Band made a massive impact with their cover of Blawan’s techno fuelled Why They Hide Their Bodies Under My Garage, which revealed and gave a whole new sound to the track. This was followed up in January with the well received Lawman, 6-minutes of terrifying descent, and passionate vocals similar, hinting at the likes of early Iggy. Dazing audiences, Girl Band slap you with drums, bass and dissonant guitar loops. But the highlight of the group, frontman Dara Kiely, is still left to hit you; slowly descending into crisis state, vocals are barked out in a mix of unease and aggression. Performances are electrifying, far from numbing, giving elements of dance that seep through the overload of noise. This is a band which screams maturity and experience. Wait…the drummer is still in school. Comparisons have been made to Liars, Daft Punk, and there are clear hints of Sonic Youth; all in all giving a fresh and human sound that strips you of any pre-conceptions. Each listen disintegrates your subconscious need for heavy-production, leaving you with a raw and wild connection that can’t help but entice you in further. This is a top pick no matter what your taste, Girl Band will drag you in and spit you out into the dance tent. If this band keep rising as they promise to do, then this Trinity Ball might have introduced future stars like it has done many times before. HENRY LONGDEN

WILKINSON

Mark Wilkinson, otherwise known by stage name Wilkinson, is the new player on the Drum & Bass scene. Following in the footsteps of British electronic successes such as Nero and Chase & Status (he has in fact been described as the one man Chase & Status) Wilkinson is garnering global attention as a DJ as well as producing his own music. His debut studio album Lazers Not Included was recently released via RAM records, so plenty of his own music can be expected on the night. He’s remixed a whole host of electronic and rap acts, including Example, Nero, Professor Green, Wiley, Jakwob and Chase & Status; and has himself received similar attention from his contemporaries: Chase & Status, Sub Focus, Andy C, and High Contrast have all played him. Wilkinson gets plenty of airtime; Afterglow, masterfully made with rich vocals from Becky Hill of The Voice fame, has been a favorite on the radio and in shops since it breached the UK Top Ten Singles. Wilkinson won Best Breakthrough Producer at the National Drum & Bass Awards in 2013, and understandably so: he’s perfected a recipe of fast beats and heavy bass, which draws on Dubstep and soulful vocals. He’s come a long way in a short time — in the not too distant past he was working in a garden center in south London — but his love for fried chicken, he is keen for the public to know, remains unchanged. 2013 was a hugely successful year for this savvy producer, and 2014 promises to be no different, with international gigs, festivals, and sell out shows on the horizon. Catch this set for high energy and great dancing tunes: his beats and his melodies are spot on, and like any DJ worth his salt, Wilkinson promises he knows how to get the crowd hyped. SORCHA GANNON.

PREVIEWS

NINA NESBITT

At the age of only nineteen, Scottish/ Swedish singer-songwriter Nina Nesbitt already has an enviable career. Previously a teen model, she was discovered by Ed Sheeran in 2010. A practiced songwriter, she went from uploading videos to her YouTube channel to supporting Sheeran on a sell-out European tour and appearing in the video for his top ten single Drunk. Her first EP The Apple Tree was released in 2012 and garnered her prestigious title of iTunes “Singer/Songwriter New Artist of the Year”. Since then, she has worked steadily, releasing her debut single, Boy and embarking on a multi-city UK tour later that same year. A festival regular, she has appeared at both V festival and Bestival as well as performing in Asia and the US. In 2013, she announced the release of her album Peroxide, which showcases Nesbitt’s whip-smart humor through her witty, observational lyrics while staying true to her folk roots. Nesbitt has a keen sense of what aspects of the contemporary youth experience will resound with her audience. Stay Out is an irreverent skewering of music snobbery and hipster club culture while lead single Selfies uses the ubiquitous social media trend as the basis for a very modern breakup song. While her catchy pop inflected singles have been getting major radio play, Peroxide also features Nesbitt’s softer side on tracks such as Hold You, featuring homegrown talent Kodaline. With her profile constantly on the rise (last year saw her named Vevo’s LIFT artist and awarded Best Emerging Artist at the Scottish Music Awards), Nesbitt fiercely values her artistic integrity. “I look at the big pop stars and you can tell that their image hasn’t come from them,” she said. “I go back to someone like Debbie Harry for inspiration. Her music was good, she looked cool and she was attractive to men, but she didn’t need to take her clothes off to prove it. And I would rather have a successful album with music I love than a No.1 with something that isn’t true to me. Pop is a shallow place. The most important thing is to do it on your own terms.” SARAH LENNON GALAVAN.

O.R.B.

O.R.B (formerly know as The Original Rude Boys) are four North Dublin boys made good. Rob Birch (vocals, guitar), Sean “Neddy” Arkins (vocals, rapping) and Sean “Walshy” Walsh (guitar, keyboard) had no intention of entering the music business until they uploaded an amatur recording of their song Star In My Eyes in 2011. A distinctive fusion of indie and hip-hop permeated with inimitable Dublin flavor, the song was an unprecedented success on YouTube and would become their first single when they signed to Gotta Run Records later that same year. Festival performances followed, with the band playing to crowds of thousands at Oxegen, Leeds and Reading. They also released a number of videos online, including Live Your Life and Sunny Days, which won them fans at home and further afield. For their first album, This Life, the band enlisted the help of Ed Sheeran producer Jake Gosling, helping them to produce the ten-track record released in March 2012. It is now certified platinum in Ireland and spawned three additional singles, Travelling Man, Written Songs (Feeling Good) and Blue Eyes. In 2013, they joined fellow Irish act, The Script, in a multi-arena tour of Europe and Australia. Despite their success in the more traditional aspects of the music industry, the band haven’t forgotten their roots and continue to maintain a strong online presence with 3 million Youtube views on their videos, 70,000 Facebook friends and 50,000 Twitter followers. It’s the grassroots support of their fans that has allowed them to play three sell-out concerts in Dublin’s Olympia Theatre in the past year. 2014 looks set to be an equally action-packed year for the newly renamed O.R.B. In addition to playing Trinity Ball, they will be releasing their second album, whose lead single Never Gonna Walk Already has already become the boys’ biggest hit to date, garnering over 3,000 plays on Irish radio and entering the Top Ten. The second single off their sophomore album, Feel It In Your Soul will be released in April. SARAH LENNON GALAVAN.

PREVIEWS

BEN PEARCE

If you have found yourself in the basement of the Twisted Pepper at some stage over the past year, then although the name Ben Pearce might not mean a lot to you, his music definitely will. Hailing from Manchester, the young DJ, producer and a co-founder of record label Purp and Soul has pretty much defined what contemporary deep house music ought to sound like with his debut EP What I Might Do, which brought him recognition in October 2012. His remixes for Le Youth and Prunk are cropping up more and more in the sets of Dublin’s most established DJ’s, should you be in attendance for this performance at the Ball, then there will almost certainly be more than one “Oh yeah, I love that song” moment. Prior to this ball performance, his success in Ireland has been somewhat phenomenal on the house scene. Anyone who managed to hustle up a ticket for his gig supporting Huxley at the Grand Social in February of last year, which sold out months in advance, can probably vouch for me in stating that he is more than capable of blowing a crowd away with his sets. And again, at Life Festival over the summer, you could not go five minutes without hearing someone praise his show to the heavens and back. His latest single, Predictable, which is a collaboration with Black Orange Juice was recently unveiled as Annie Mac’s “Special Delivery” on her BBC Radio 1 show. On it, his minimalistic sound is embellished with soulful vocals and a melody reminiscent of Golden Brown if given a distinctly Latin American kick. At the same time, he is currently nominated for both Best Electronic Dance Music Artist and Best Song in the World Music Awards and will be returning to Belvedere House this May for Life Festival 2014, while also scheduled to play one of his largest shows to date at Leeds and Reading this August. MICHAEL LANIGAN.

PREVIEWS

SPIES

SPIES are a Dublin based five-piece, consisting of Michael Broderick, Neil Dexter, Conor Cusack, Hugh O’Dwyer and Jeffrey Courtney. They released their first EP Liars Call Me King in 2010, following it up with their debut single Barricade in 2011. Having performed at festivals such as Forbidden Fruit and Hard Working Class Heroes, they have also recorded live sessions for 2FM, Today FM and 98 FM. Increasingly touted as one to watch by the Irish music press, they describe their sound as akin to the indie-rock aesthetic of The National although tempered by the influences of 80s rock and post-punk. Their latest EP, Distant Shorelines was released in November 2013 and represents the continuing artistic development of the band, featuring simplified guitar lines in order to showcase Broderick’s distinctive vocals. While Distinct Shore may be the band’s first UK release, B-side Mint and Lime already has earned critical attention having been played on Zane Lowe’s BBC Radio 1 show. In 2014, SPIES are set to see the release of their second single November Sun and embark on a UK tour with fellow Trinity Ball act Girl Band. SARAH LENNON GALAVAN.

THE GODFATHERS

Formed in London in 1985, The Godfathers have been producing a hard-hitting rock and roll that has been sustained right through to their 2013 record Jukebox Fury. Best known for debut album Hit By Hit, The Godfathers style is relentless, raw and guitar driven — it’s angry and clearly influenced by the 70s punk era. Led by vocalist Peter Coyne, The Godfathers have enjoyed many successful world tours, and have built a reputation for bringing something unique to their live performances. Coyne once entered the stage firing a machine-gun above the scared shitless crowd. He claimed it was an attempt to escape the banal, and keep the band interesting! HENRY LONGDEN.

THE SUSSED

TRINITONES

A welcome break from the dance-heavy tone of this year’s Trinity Ball, the college’s own Trinitones return for their second round at Trinity Ball and will undoubtedly scratch your inevitable itch for guilty pleasures and sing-a-long. Formed in 2012 as a subsection of Trinity Singers, the all-male acapella group has picked up in popularity over the years, satisfying Trinity’s need for a Barbershop-style expression of its significant pool of musical talent. Trinitones fit neatly into expectations of this genre: peppy, a little camp and undeniably tongue-and-cheek. Who doesn’t want to see male camaraderie expressed through warped and de-familiarised versions of 90s pop classics, with full vocal instrumental accompaniment executed with the energetic choreography by a substantial group of bow tie-clad troubadours? LOLA BOORMAN.

Irish punk/ new-wave group The Sussed are returning from a 30-year break and their first reunion gig will be performing to the eager crowds of TB14. There’s no doubt that they’ll be bringing their top form, with classics like Don’t Swim On The East Coast - the 1981 single concerning Windscale (Sellafield) nuclear plant, in which frontman Rory Stokes roared “Don’t holiday at Brittas Bay, coz the Western Coast is the place to stay”. Although perhaps not reaching the same heights, The Sussed have played, literally, multiple gigs with U2 in such locations as Howth Community Centre, Dandelion Market (now Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre) and McGonagles. HENRY LONGDEN

TRINITY ORCHESTRA

A presence on campus for over 30 years, Trinity Orchestra are one of a kind. The only Irish orchestra run completely by students, they provide a platform for the college’s most accomplished musicians to come together and perform what they describe as “all the greats from Shostakovich to Stevie Wonder.” Their willingness to move outside their classical comfort zone has won them many fans. They frequently stage on-campus performances, such as Daft Punk, Radiohead, Sigur Rós, Arcade Fire and Michael Jackson. In 2014, Trinity Orchestra have been featured as part of the Trinity Arts Festival and presented their Hilary Term Concert in Christchurch Cathedral. SARAH LENNON GALAVAN.

PREVIEWS

TANDEM FELIX

Tandem Felix, a four-piece from Dublin, produce atmospheric guitar-led rock that has started to catch the eye of music fans around the country. Emotional vocals are layered on top of spacey/psychedelic chords, and give a minimal aura to the band and their live performances. Recently tipped by Hot Press as “One to watch”, their latest single Ryan Hoguet/How Strange, The Weather has given us a sense of what they can achieve. Their debut EP Popcorn has put them on the map, and given them a homegrown following which anticipates their next move. This will be ideal for those looking for a bit of calm amongst the madness. Tandem Felix will chill and relax, providing a great backdrop for the nights action. While The Godfathers and The Sussed promise sets of punk aggression, Tandem Felix offer a deep and sprawling sounds to light up the college. HENRY LONGDEN.

LAURA WELSH

Laura Welsh is a singer-songwriter based in London, with roots in a musical family from Staffordshire. Beginning as the group Laura and the Tears, she and the band eventually went their separate ways, giving her the freedom to pursue a career as a solo artist. Another act tipped as one to watch in 2014, Welsh has already attracted the notice of some interesting names in the industry: the single Undiscovered was produced by Emile Haynie, who has worked with the likes of Kanye West and Lana del Rey. She has also collaborated with Robin Hannibal, one half of the LA based R&B duo Rhye, and Lightspeed Champion (Dev Hynes). Welsh classes her music as electro pop, with a hypnotic sound, citing Little Dragon, Miguel and Janelle Monae as current influences. Her minimal tracks are mainly composed of vocals, guitar and piano, and lend themselves to great remixes by the likes of Jakwob and Gilles Peterson. Her material is personal, and her music making instinctual, which combined with her stunning vocals give her songs a fantastic rawness and promises a compelling live performance. For a taste of aforementioned remixes, check out Zed Bias’ mix of Undiscovered. SORCHA GANNON.

SAINT RAYMOND

Saint Raymond, the alter ego of Callum Burrows, is another young and talented performer to take to the stage at this year’s Trinity Ball. 18-years old, hailing from Nottingham in England, Burrows’ original aspiration was to be a hairdresser, a career that looks like it might have to be put on hold for the time being. Purveyor of catchy pop-rock, Saint Raymond’s debut EP Escapade made it into the iTunes Top 25, followed by Young Blood which made it to number 3 as well as being awarded Zane Lowe’s “Hottest Record in the World”. Zane is not the only fan: headliner Example, has expressed interest in a collaboration (potential impromptu joint performance on the night?). All the attention has warranted Saint Raymond worthy of a record deal with label Asylum, therefore joining the ranks of Ed Sheeran, Rudimental, and Charlie XCX. Although young and already making an impressive foray into the industry, Burrows has never been one to rush the music, preferring to let his career develop organically. Saint Raymond is indisputably defined by its frontman on vocals and guitar, but Burrows also collaborates with various other musicians when recording and doing live gigs. One time, he performed with a 14-piece orchestra…. SORCHA GANNON.

FEATURE

HIDING THE PROOF EVA SHORT TALKS US THROUGH THE PRAGMATICS OF TRINITY BALL; HOW BEST TO SNEAK ALL YOUR SUPPLIES PAST THE PEOPLE IN YELLOW JACKETS.

hen people write about Trinity Ball, they tend to discuss issues such as what to wear, how to get the coveted “shift” (or if you’re lucky, “the ride”), and how to mix a cheap and cheerful pre-drinks cocktail. I, however, faithful readers, know what you are truly seeking within the pages of this guide. You finish off a can of Pratzky at your friend’s house. Your stomach begins to turn at the thought of the incredible long cues in front of the drinks tent (or maybe it’s the beer.) You can’t stand the thought of waiting, shivering, missing your favourite act, only to pay €12 for what is allegedly a “standard measure” of watered down Smirnoff. You throw on your jacket and hop in a taxi. You approach the fateful Front Arch, cloaked in the night, surrounded by students bubbling over with anticipation (or beer.) As you are met with the steely gaze of the security guards posted out front, I know what you’ll be asking yourself; “Shit, what if they take away my Captain Morgan’s?”. Fear not, my little would-be booze mules. I’ve got you covered with smuggling strategies so ingenious there’s a Mexican drug cartel trying to hit me up for tips*. (*That is a lie.) Here’s how to go ultra incognito. For the ladies: It’s hard to know whether women have the most difficult time smuggling alcohol or the easiest. Our dresses sport bare shoulders and thin chiffon and lace, but flowing skirts hide all. Thighs tend to be a classic area, as we all know that a privately hired security company is never going to be that thorough. However, a personal tip; don’t assume you can just shove those naggins in your tights and call it a day. Gravity’s a bitch. I remember last year, after many gin and tonics, thinking that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice the last of my Bombay Sapphire, for I could just sneak it into the Ball. I affixed it to the side of my thigh and went on my merry, drunken way, only to find that the bottle had been slipping as I walked. By the time I got halfway down the Quays, there was a naggin sticking out of my leg, attached to my calf in the cradle of Penney’s tights like some alcoholic alien egg sack. Not exactly subtle, so do reinforce the bottles. I would not rec-

ommend duct tape; there is nothing quite like the sound of your friend crying as she rips off tape to reveal raw skin and wonders whether not having to pay for vodka was worth it. My solution comes from a rather crafty friend, who sported Spandex shorts under her dress — they kept her warm and served as suitable compression so that she walked gracefully through the gates while I, less prepared, hobbled by like a drunk and nervous penguin. For the men: You assholes are lucky because you have pockets. However, don’t get lazy; hiding a can in the inside pocket of your jacket is fooling absolutely no one. I have heard stories of men storing alcohol in their socks. The sock keeps the bottle close, but probably makes walking uncomfortable. From what I can tell, the best tactic is to shove whatever you are trying to sneak in in the back of your pants, hitched up by your belts, and strategically place the backs of your blazers so that the bulges aren’t laughably obvious. Alternatively, you could just, as one person I asked put it, “ask one of the girls to do it for you”, but come on, that’s hardly fucking fair. For the creative: If you are looking to bring in an ambitious amount of drink, dispense with the packaging. Transfer your drink to a plastic bag and stick it to your chest, back, legs, wherever. If you’re wearing a bra, baggies can be rather easily stored in there. There is, I have heard, also something one can buy called a “Winerack”, which serves as push up bra and Tesco value Pinot Grigio receptacle, but buying specific apparatus is a bit far. This approach is more likely to work than those previously mentioned, but at the cost of having to find yourself in the port-a-loos cutting open a Ziploc full of spirits. Your call, ball-goers. For the things-that-aren’t-alcohol: I know full well you people do it. There a reason for that pungent smell I detected outside the dance tent, or for the attendees obsessively clenching their jaws, or for that guy sitting on the steps of the Arts Block petting his own face, slackjawed and awe-stricken. These, ahem, intoxicants tend to be small and inconspicuous, so my only tip is to store it in such a way that it isn’t the first thing you see when you open your bag/jacket/whatever. If this is beyond your capabilities then I really can’t fucking illustration by alice wilson help you.

SEX DIARY

ONE TOO MANY... 6pm

12.53am

Looking forward to going to the Ball tonight. Single ticket, going with friends. No shame. My fella didn’t want to go, and I didn’t try make him. It’s grand though, all easy. Smooth sailing for a night full of shit food, dodging puke and dizzy half sprints between Front Square and the Museum Building. Shaking up the boring tuxedo male look with golden shoes and a velvet jacket, I’m looking forward to the Arts Block gays that have been throwing me looks all year finally trying it on. Obviously I’ll rebuff to an extent, but I like the attention. Maybe a bit of heavy petting will teach him to come to the Ball next year?

Fear I made a mistake brushing away hands of attractive class-mate who I only ever thought about as the shit one who didn’t understand PowerPoint in the group presentation we had to do. However I return to him to discover he has found himself another suitor. Cheeks heating up and mouth constantly agape.

1.20am

I am at Ellie Goulding. Friend and I drunkenly tell the huns around us down the back of the tent that it is in fact Emeli Sandé. “She’s fucking everywhere that one!” yells one, while another tells a racist joke that makes a stranger slap her in the face. Happy with the chaos I’ve created I turn to my mate but he’s off having a heart to heart with his teenage sweetheart. She’s crying. I swallow down some puke and head off to the Dance Tent.

8.47pm

2.30am

Feeling shameful necking free cocktails in a swanky bar. Trinity Ball can be hard when your boyfriend basically feels that the whole thing is a bourgeois piss-up. Therein lies the danger of intervarsity relationships. You can tell him at length about the Ball but it’s all for nothing if you don’t show some passing interest in his university’s attempt at a party. “Oh they’re holding UCD Ball off campus this year, Trinity was even suggested as a possible venue. I’m going to wear my Converse with my suit, make a fucking statement you know?” My friends tell me to get over it, that he’s a jealous bitch. I cackle and agree. I’m going to enjoy tonight.

Feeling dejected and lonely sucking the last remnants of smoke from a fag at the library steps. Attractive classmate and a different boy — this time with a square jaw and an obvious semi — sit down either side of me for a selfie. When I protest, the excited one leans in to kiss me and the technically challenged one sneakily instagrams my cheating. Poprocket.

3.13am

Sandwiched between the two in grinding heaving mess. Partially because the Dance Tent is completely full, partially because I’m too drunk not to go along with this doomed venture. Feel like other people are probably looking at us with jealousy, but that’s probably just my big head and ego.

11.22pm

“I JUST WANT TO FUCK THE ONE WITH THE HAIR” My flatmate screams to me. He and I are at Hudson Taylor, tent full of lads with skinny tux trousers and hipster bowties. It’s early, I’ve still got a whole naggin and I want something a bit more dancey. I try drag him away for a smoke before AlunaGeorge start but he’s having none of it, having struck up flirty conversation with a gurning freshman who obviously thought the night was a lot shorter than it is. Check phone. No text from darling boyfriend. Prick.

4.52am

Meeting the recently deemed sexually acceptable pair down at Front Arch. A last minute ménages à trois planned to end the bourgeois piss-up. I text my soon to be ex news of my infidelity utilising the shade throwing moon emoticon and gratuitous cursing. Getting in the taxi with my new conquests I am informed that the sofa folds out so I should be pretty comfortable. Fuck.

midnight

illustration by alice wilson

He has texted to say “hope your dancing!! night! <3”.