TSLR056 by The Seagull Love Review

TTHESREALITIES L R OF FFP The Albion Fanzine TSLR056 February 2014

SINK IN AS VALENTINE’S DAY APPROACHES ONLY BUYING 9 RED ROSES DIDN’T GO DOWN TOO WELL, I HAVE TO SAY TELL ME ABOUT IT. HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN?

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Inside: Transfer Meltdown at The Amex A list of Adam El-Abd Things Reasons to be Cheerful M23 War Stories

the TSLR SHOP

Albion tat boutique www.tslr.bigcartel.com

Inside TSLR056 5. What’s Hot, What’s Not 6. Calendar

TSLR056 The Seagull Love Review is an independent Brighton and Hove Albion magazine. Issue 57 / Feb 2014 The views expressed in the publication do not necessarily reflect the views of the Editors, or The Seagull Love Review. Thanks this issue to BM, BM, ED, JT, JS, GE, BP, NB, SW and TC Edited by SS and SS Artwork/Photos by SS and DL Digital Publishing by BP

tslr@hotmail.co.uk @tslr

8. Marco Van Bastard 9. Think Before You Type 10. The Mute And The Mouth 12. Jerry The Sport 14. Ten Thousand Pounds 18. Reviews 20. Barnes Apathy 22. Former Bosses 24. Haywards Heath Ledger 26. Charge Of The Albion Brigade 30. Carter

Last month, the January issue of TSLR was only on sale at The Amex fir one game. It has happened before, but it’s very rare that we don’t get to flog the mag at home at least twice. When we’re away so much it naturally makes us a little groggy after a while. Uncomfortable trips to soggy Burslem, or dullard no-score-draws at Turf Moor on a freezing Tuesday night take their toll on the soul. For many, January is the month where we have no money as we wait for that post-Christmas pay, and the warmth and atmopshere of the festive season is a long gone memory. So when we mix all this - the home sickness, the relentless travel, the adverse weather and lack of dosh - with a run of form that has seen us drop 7 points off the Play-offs as we go to print, it is understandable that some fans just might fancy a moan. A home win can change all this, it will shift the mood in an instant. Up the Albion. S+S

What’s Hot!

What’s Not!

The inevitable departure of the great Liam Bridcutt was really sad and hard to take. It meant that we only have one player left at the club wearing black football boots. Matthew Upson take a bow son. Traditionalist.

There has been a 2014 goal party and Albion have not been invited. 5 league games. 2 goals. 300 minutes without a league goal, it’s been pretty dull to watch if we are honest hasn’t it? We sold 3 players, lost Crofts, and are 7 points away from the final Play Off spot. By the way can you please renew your season ticket for 2014/15? Marketing.

Last month we hit the woodwork 11 times in 4 games. This month the gods and woodwork have been kind to us! We’ve only hit the bar just once. It might help if we had any actual shots at goal, but the stats don’t lie. Once. I’m sorry to go on about him, but he missed the Watford game and we lost. Rohan Ince is so good, he can nutmeg a mermaid. Fact. Doncaster at home. An emotional fixture down the years with lots of loving between fans. That Storer goal. THAT Buckley goal. The last game at The Goldstone. The first game at The Amex. All we know is that this game gives us the chance to wear our Seagulls/Donny half and half scarves again, meaning the original £10 is even more of a bargain than the Nandos quarter chicken combo meal. Love. Well played to the sensible bods on the board. The romance of the FA Cup is hitting The Amex with Hull City our visitors. We were given sensible ticket prices. An underwhelming, but winnable game. A chance to get into the quarter finals, but most of all, £15 to sit within touching distance of Nikica Jelavić is a right bargain. Romance.

@BrettMendoza

After being sent to Burnley on a Tuesday night, the motorway authorities decided to close The M6, leaving Brighton fans, players and staff alike stranded like Joey Essex thinking of the number that comes after 3. Inept. TV has a lot to answer for. Watford on a Sunday because Sky made them play Thursday night. Now the might of BT Sport deem we have to all struggle to get to the Hull game on a Monday night with less trains, as well as having to pay for the transport on top. TV more annoying than Celebrity Big Brother. Schedules. The sale of Ashley Barnes to Burnley for loads of money, when we’d get nothing in the summer was wise FFP business. But it has left us with no scapegoat to blame for rest of season. Who the hell are we all going to pick on now? Blame. Speaking of FFP, what a crock of shit that is. We seem to be the only team vaguely trying to adhere to it. During the Transfer Window everyone else were buying players left, right and centre forward. We couldn’t even buy iPlayer, let alone an actual player. Restrictions.

January 2013

tslr calendar

14-15 January For the first time in, oh, six months perhaps, we booked time off work, made a packed lunch and settled down for an Albion-related court case. This one didn’t relate to the current squad (although some were rumoured to be due to give evidence) but to former Albionite, Colin Kazim Kazim Richards for his alleged homophobic actions at the Amex in February 2013. But lo and behold, the case was postponed until April and our annual leave was wasted (we knew we should have saved it for Burnley away). The reason? CKR had a dodgy appendix and couldn’t return from Turkey on doctor’s orders. In some sort of bizarre miraculous recovery, the Coca-Cola twat played the full 90 minutes the following Saturday. 17 January TSLR was left reeling as Adam El-Abd joined Brizzle City. In an April 2011 interview with the ‘Egyptian’, El-Abd told us ‘I think I’d be a ruffian’. The claim was in response to whether he would, as a supporter, be more inclined to join the ruffians in the North Stand or 1901 Club members in the West Upper. For that comment, 300 games for Albion and a few unwanted strokes to the faces of opposition strikers, we salute you. 19 January There has been an unusual slackness by extended TSLRites representing the club on away days recently. The most lamentable, perhaps, was the visit to Derby’s Baseball Ground (or whatever name the current sponsors give it these days).

So imagine our delight when not only did we manage to find an online stream of the match but we also managed to hear what Albion player names sound like when pronounced in Arabic. Tony Blair felt a degree of weight lifted off his shoulders as the Arabian peninsula was subjected to an inhumane display of drone action from Oscar’s charges. 23 January Whilst we were generally disappointed with most of our transfer dealings during January, there was one bit of fantastic news. Despite reported interest, C*****l P****e didn’t sign Will Buckley, Liam Bridcutt, or any other player we actually like. Elsewhere, we offloaded Vitalijs Maksimenko to those poor unsuspecting souls north of the border at Kilmarnock. It’s not often we praise Andy Naylor here at TSLR but his Tweet - ‘Taxi for Maksi?’ - was truly inspiring. 23 January As contentious links go, our mate who works with the aforementioned Buckley’s missus’ sister, kept TSLR in the loop regarding the floppy haired wingers dealings during the window. Palace interest? Check. Sunderland interest? Check. Medical passed? Ermmm. Well, we heard a fee was agreed with the Mackems but the deal went cold when Burke and his army of Champ Manager minions failed to bring in the winger to replace him. And to repeat that, yes, it was Buckley’s girlfriend’s sister. LOL. 25 January Poor Micky Adams. It turns out that

time isn’t always the greatest healer. Five years on from his acrimonious departure from Albion thanks to Dick Knight in a Little Chef - and the day after we beat Port Vale in the cup - it was announced that Adams hadn’t been offered a contract in Burslem beyond the current season. 26 January The home draw with Hull City in the FA Cup offers Albion a wonderful chance to make the quarter finals. In the past, this column has felt that any involvement by Albion in any cup competition has - as history has proved - been a waste of time, energy and a lesson in disappointment. But now we’re only four wins away from lifting the trophy (and two from a Wembley semi) we condemn all previous hatred of the FA Cup by us. Fickle? Well, we are Albion fans. Get your tin foil out for the lads. 29 January Following our attendance at the Albion women’s FA Cup match against Tottenham at the Withers, our blog post got so much attention that the Albion’s press office got in touch. Could we reproduce sections of your article? they asked. Of course, we said, and in return the club offered us an interview with Elite Women and Girls Football Manager, Tracy Doe. We signed off the reproduced text for them and waited for the interview. We’re still waiting... 29 January It’s getting to that time of the season when the club have to shift a ton of unsold Albion shirts from a lock-up in Worthing and the

Marketing team have pulled out all the stops. “What’s really going to get them going”? asked the Amex bods at a round-table brain storming session. “Get the poet in of course!” came the reply. In a move that linked a Atilla Fans United soundbite and the reduced prices of the clubs worthless shmutter in 4 paragraphs, the history of the fans fight suddenly has the activist credence of Gary Barlow in a Che Guevara t-shirt. 30 January We’re still not sure why Alan Mullery didn’t answer our question during his Albion Twitter Q&A, #askMullery. ‘If they weren’t ‘worth that’, why did you manage them?’ 31 January Is Burke a berk? As the January transfer window closed, this question was reverberating around TSLR Towers. We had heard that the Head of Football Operations had been trying to offload Ashley Barnes all season (and a bit of last season, too) and if you add that to the ever-increasing list of players we tried - but failed to sign, we wonder if Burke’s surname does in fact describe how he is when it comes to transfer dealings. Add that to the fact he talks a bit like Barry Lloyd with a degree, keeping the faith is proving almost impossible. Not even a placed Vicente article in The Argus this window. Come on. 2 February Everyone’s favourite policeman, Darren Balkham (@Suspolfootball), Tweeted on Sunday 2 February: ‘Following today’s match there were 3 Watford fans

ejected by stewards and 1 Brighton Fan arrested in the ground.’ Who was the Albion offender? There are strong rumours it could have been a TSLR contributor who got arrested, at the unfortunate behest of a jumped up steward. Answers on a postcard please as to which reprobate we’re harbouring. Surely the most criminal activity at Watford came through a Gordon Greer back pass. 2 February Warren Aspinall, god bless him, providing TSLR with the portmanteux of the season by fusing Watford players Troy Deeney and Fernando Forestieri into one Seagull-splattering super player. We’re sure we’ve had it as a cocktail before, but that lad Foresteeney covered every blade of grass at the Vic. 3 February It was confirmed in the international press that World Cup 2022 organisers from Qatar will be visiting Falmer to get a decent idea of how a football stadium works. The visit is probably something to do with the fact Derek Chapman has been in their country quite a lot lately, and absolutely nothing to do with Qatarians following our perfect business model of flogging pints of Harveys. In fact, one element of Qatar’s alcohol laws will certainly be supported by Mr Barber - it states that ‘it is illegal to sell, donate or give awayalcohol’. Luckily there’s no gay peolple in Brighton to upset the delegates even more. TSLR

Marco Van Bastard Come on, don’t be that guy. Let’s see a smile. TSLR digs deep to give you 5 reasons why we’ve never had it better. Apart from last season. @FraggleMiller

fter the Watford game, the prevailing mood was pessimistic – not least if you spent half the game in a cell for the heinous crime of having a tot of rum on you. In a spirit of whevs-style optimism, here are some reasons to keep our chins up… 1) All this might never have happened. We should have been relegated in the run-in after the 2-0 defeat to MK Dong during the last season under Micky. Slade gave us a life we shouldn’t have had, and then Gus got us up in the season we needed to. We’re still lucky blighters. Thinking conservatively, if we were in the lower leagues crowds would be 10,000 down. At an average of £20 a ticket, that’s £200,000 every home game before you even get to matchday spend, league and TV revenues and such. We could have got Jim Gannon as manager. Or Paul Ince. Or signed Lorenzo Pinamonte instead of Bobby Z. Chin up! 2) The whole matchday experience peoplewise, unlike some clubs I won’t mention but who are based in Hertfordshire, is a joy. We might have lost the personal connection with the first-team squad, but from the woman selling pain au chocolats for 90p from her van outside the station to the ticket office peeps stoically managing the pitfalls of their position, the grandfather-type greeting entrants to the Upper West and the poor sods serving the drinks after ten minutes’ training, I can’t ever remember meeting a member of staff at the Amex who wasn’t a smasher. And then there’s Darren Balkham who, in probably the funniest, most dissolving moment of calm I’ve seen with away fans at the New Withers, managed to silence a load of teenage Bournemouth fans

on Falmer Bridge with a firm “Oi, lads - just no.” And the friendly Mafia manning Dick’s Bar. And Richard Reynolds. Number 9, Ashley Barnes! Hang on. Let’s keep it optimistic. 3) CMS is back, with Hoskins (possibly) not far behind. Look, it’s obviously clutching at straws, and it’ll have the anti-climactic dampness of your average Britpop band comeback if it doesn’t produce near-instant results, but that’s £5 million worth of newly uncrippled strikers. And that’s what we’ve been missing. Any midfield would be ballsed-up without Bridders and Crofts, and we still managed to win at Vale and draw at Burnley. CMS will be buzzing around ungingerly, and there’s every chance he’ll literally end up doing cartwheels of joy under Oscar’s occasionally very direct tactics. Craig is a positive type. He’d tell us to keep our peckers up. 4) We are not Palace. We never will be, even if we make the supposed promised land, which doesn’t seem to hold much promise beyond repeated thumpings from bigger boys capable of throwing the whole proverbial board game out of the window and buying a new set of pieces at their own classless behest. Our kit is not disgusting. Our ground is far from awful. Tony Pulis is not our manager. Life is sweet. TSLR

Think Before You Type Everyone is entitled to critique upon paying to watch a game of football, and without that dynamic football would be a dull place. But wouldn’t it be nice of those rants were written with a bit of conviction and rationale? @EdwardWoodhouse

hen examining fan reactions to a below-par run of form, the evidence is often illuminating. Nowadays, football (and to a lesser extent, society, but that’s for another day) is defined by detecting problems and coming up with instant solutions. If a player comes on as a sub and contributes to an eventual victory, they must start the next game. If a reasonably successful PL manager is landed in one of the biggest jobs in world football and struggles due to a multitude of factors (not all of which are under his control), then obviously he should be either killed or sacked immediately. And apparently, if the Albion are to ever encounter an iffy run of form in a league famed for its unpredictability, well, surely it’s time for Johnny Foreigner to sod off so we can get back to good old 4-4-2. The best place to find these pithy nuggets of wisdom is everyone’s favourite happy place – the internet. Live text streams are available via the usual outlets, and snippets of barely-formed arguments are sent in from people who are: at a match and on their phone (this has always baffled me), listening on the radio, or watching on a highly legal online stream. Presumably, it is someone’s job to select the ‘best’ from the collective LOOOLs at missed Palace penalties, morsels of sage advice for the England manager and generally rubbish attempts at banter. The world is seemingly telling us to say what we see as soon as we see it, and if possible, match it to an overarching narrative or argument e.g. ‘X should be playing for England, come on Woy’ or ‘profligacy like this is the reason Palace are going down, hope Baumgartner’s ok though’. This is what us Albionites are faced

with after a disappointing-sounding defeat against one of the league’s underachieving sides. It is fair to say that we have not been at our dazzling best recently. A tumultuous transfer window culminated in the unsurprising sale of the brilliant but increasingly disinterested Liam Bridcutt and the hurried arrival of a couple of probably-not-quite-first-choice targets. Going into the game, Watford were on a run of form so crap that they were (and still are!) even lower in the league than us. All pretty normal stuff, really. Needless to say, all is not lost, and in a few weeks we’ll probably be waxing lyrical about the Ozil-like demeanour of Dale Stephens, such is the way of the world. It is undeniable that football is a game of opinions. Everyone is apparently entitled to one. However, what grates is not the sheer volume and variety of different views, it is instead the general lack of thought that goes into their creation. Throughout history, fans have been subjected to a rollercoaster of happiness and sadness caused by the good and the bad. It has always been about peaks and troughs. Can’t we just leave it at that? Can’t we just be pissed off at an abject defeat, rather than shrouding our pissed-off-ness in unhelpful bitesized observations, like that Oscar can’t possibly know the English leagues due to being foreign (do you see?) and must therefore be replaced with Neil Warnock? The bigger picture is that we are probably doing just fine this season. Until that is genuinely in question, just be happy. Or sad. TSLR

THE MUTE AND THE MOUTH @BHAFConlyathome brightononlyathome.wordpress.com

maginary Press Conferences Number 1 – If Brighton Had Drawn Sunderland In a first for even FA headquarters the FA Cup 5th round has had to be redrawn after it was found that ITV had warmed Andros Townsend’s balls. In the subsequent redraw Brighton have come out at home to Sunderland. You join us at another convenient new innovation - the joint managerial pre match press conference.

FA Moderator: And the first question comes from Brian Whisky of the Mirror. Brian Whisky: An obvious question perhaps but, Gus, how is it to be back at the Amex? Gus Poyet: Of course ees complicated. I have great time here, the fans they great when they not making clacker noise. But

of course it end bad. Today I see the dug out and eet make me VERY ANGRY and I throw my coat and Charlie say ‘calm down’ and I go to sheeter to calm down and then I see the trap where the sheet was and eet make me VERY ANGRY and I throw my coat. I nearly punch roof. BW: And Oscar, any special plans for Gus? Oscar: Si, I make him welcome. (Glowers at Poyet). FA Moderator: And now Cyril Bigotry of the Daily Mail. Cyril Bigotry: Can I ask you about Liam Bridcutt? Gus? GP: Well of course my answer it depends on what happened between this totally made up conference being written and you reading it. But I tell you what. When Tony and Paul they say no to my beed of very reasonable £200,000 plus Lee Ca-

termole’s pants it make me VERY ANGRY and I throw my coat and Tanno have to rescue me from row Z of Stadium of Light main stand. I so angry that night I apply for five new jobs and nearly end up at Real Madrid. When I go sleep I dream of sheet and clackers. CB: Oscar? Oscar: It’s for the best. (Glowers at Poyet). FA Moderator: And now Norman Houseprice of the Express. Norman Houseprice: And who do you think will win today? GP: Of course we should win. I design this pitch. I design these dugouts. I help design stadium. I even design Balti Pie. These are my players though unfortunately they no stupid enough to keep Ryan Harley and Dobbie so my job a beet harder. But still. If we not win then I think the ref is bent

and they are cheating and eet will make me VERY ANGRY and I will throw my coat and walk down tunnel and try to not go to sheeter, And when I back maybe I think I hit the roof with Sunderland no? Maybe I flutter my eyelids at Fulham and do smiley chimp face and I send Charlie round to work on their directors no? Perhaps I take out contract on José at Chelsea. Heh. Did I say that out loud? I mean I get VERY ANGRY. And I throw my coat. Oscar: I think it will be hard game. The best team will win. (Glowers at Poyet). And so on and so on..... TSLR

Jerry The Sport Match of the Day was once a time of objective peace and quiet for Albion fans. Now, with all those old faces we all used to love having moved on to new things, the whole thing is a little awkward.

do enjoy my football, am dedicated with my support for the Albion, but, if push came to shove, then I could really live without it. Cricket, well that’s another issue. Could possibly be why I get a little lairy at games with officials sometimes, a ban could help me develop some other Saturday afternoon pastime, like more serious ornithology. So I’m fairly philosophical about where we are right now. League 2 football is pretty darn good, so much better than the dirge we watched in Leagues 3 and 4. And, I think I can say quite confidently, we’ll still have Div 2 footy in Falmer 2014/15. So I ain’t too bothered about the play-offs, for me it’s all about ensuring this level of football continues, rather than the rise and potential (double) fall to Div 3 (and, perhaps, lower) again. And having been where we’ve been of late, MOTD has become an enjoyable regular re-acquaintance with quite a few players that, in small and larger parts, as a Brighton fan I feel involved in their developments. As Bridders has just proved what we all knew, he has the ability to slot right into the top flight, and well done making that step up for the Tyne and Wear Derby. Not a great sighting of the Canary, Elliott Bennett, of late (injured), but Bradley Johnson is featuring and one day WILL score that goal he’s always hunting when he bears down and strikes the ball outside the penalty area (it ALWAYS goes over). Nooney is starting regularly at Cardiff doing what he did on the Amex turf, tearing

down the wing with the ball, stepping over, then delivering the ball in. He will get a Nando’s black card soon. Hull, this weekend featured TWO exAlbion on the pitch, Paul McShane and Steve Harper (yeah, I know, he was just on loan, but he played right there in front of us at Falmer). Sidwell’s at Fulham, and hopefully we’ll see M****y , even if it’s gonna hurt just like seeing yer ex snogging a new lad, play for that sarf London team before they leave the top flight in May. It used to just be McShane, Zamora (now in 2nd flight with QPR) and Barry, who, to be honest, I can’t even honestly recall ever seeing him play. So now Saturday night Albion supporting armchair footy fans are watching a larger fledgling family of Falmer* footy favourites. Compensates for having to listen to the ‘Pundits’, but I have a solution for this, too. Record MOTD, and timeshift the start time in your head by half an hour to whizz through their bullshit. You’re then ready for the Football League Show. To think, I used to go clubbing on Saturday nights. *Yes Withdean too, but dropped in favour of the alliteration. TSLR

â&#x20AC;&#x153;It could be argued that Barnes took profligacy to a new level, relentless, as he botched chance after chance seemingly unaffected by the haunting confidence-eroding consequences of repeated failureâ&#x20AC;? Page 21

TEN THOUSAND POUNDS Just as we started to get used to having players good enough to sell, we had to get used to them handing in transfer requests to make it happen. Greed, it seems, is nothing new.

can’t claim any particular prescience in last month’s column in which my crystal ball showed Liam Bridcutt gracing a damp and windswept Stadium Of Light. I must own up to the thing tipping over to precipitate fake snow on the scene and obliterate the vision of aye, aye Ashley Barnes exiting Turf Moor in claret and blue, his arm draped affectionately around the shoulder of that man from Argentina. What is cloudier still to a grizzled old trooper such as myself is why the desperate ritual of the transfer window needs to exist in the first place. Cross my palm with silver and I’ll take you back to the grim north east of a time long, long ago. The FA legalised professionalism in the last years of the 19th Century as the great unwashed enthusiastically took to the newly codified public school game. As the northern towns in which the first paid players were based made their living through hard labour at low wages full time sportsmen began to supplant the well-heeled gentleman players. These gentlemen were drawn from that strata of society whose private incomes afforded them the luxury of amateur status. The first transfer that caused financial outrage involved Sunderland. In 1905 inside forward Alf Common was transferred back to his original home club from Sheffield United for the shocking sum of £1,000. Only six years earlier the FA had considered limiting transfer fees to the princely sum of £10. The press were apoplectic, two contemporary newspaper quotes express the general sentiment quite neatly - ‘we are tempted to wonder whether Association football players will eventually rival thoroughbred yearling racehorses in the market’ and described the transfer system as ‘a new type of white slave trade which might one day see transfer fees reaching £10,000’. So where’s the relevance to the transfer window in all this you may ask? My previous narrative is offered as a simple illustration of the corrupting influence of money, a tale unchanged in principle to this day. To cut a long story short I’ll skip the next hundred years or so. In that time we have all got more than used to the beautiful game as a slightly less than beautiful cash cow for the footballing elite. The distribution

of silly money by the major European clubs is now taken as a given. In return even the Albion faithful can watch in extreme comfort as their team’s early season promise drains away following a £4 million giveaway of two of their prized assets. As the transfer of players for large sums became an accepted fact of life so did the bloated profits of football agents whose cigar and bar bills reached astronomical proportions. In 1992 Terry Venables became the father of the transfer window by sticking his head above the parapet and declaring himself in favour of a system to ape the Italians’ Serie A. The idea being that managers ought to be coaches, spending time with their players and not fending off agents. The idea was voted down at Soho Square. The European dimension takes centre stage in the story with the rather sorry tale of that famous Belgian, Jean-Marc Bosman. The man who blew the lid off the transfer system in 1995 is currently languishing at the pleasure of King Philippe for a conviction involving alcoholic inebriation and assault. Back in the day the European Court’s ruling sent shock waves through European football by asserting the free movement of labour was compromised by existing transfer rules and protocol. The big move came in 2000 when the process was handed the mother of all jump-starts from the European Commission. Under pressure to scrap the entire transfer system, which was accused of breaching the Treaty of Rome, FIFA put forward a package including two transfer windows. Unsurprisingly for European legislation, England stood aloof for a time but succumbed under pressure from EUFA in 2003. I make no apologies for the history lesson and I am no fan of the accelerated madness the transfer window brings in its wake. The problem once more revolves around an unequal distribution of excessive funds held by an elite legislated by faceless Brussels bureaucrats and Blatter’s FIFA cronies. TSLR

@Bitter_nTwisted

As is sadly par for the course with my badly written and rather repetitive reports I know very little of the Birmingham game. I attended it. Well apparently I did. I’m guessing it was a dull draw. Most of our games are dull draws. Or dull defeats. Occasionally we like to mix things up and throw in a dull win just for fun (like we did in this one - Ed). I suspect we’ll be seeing less of these in the near future. So I’m slightly disillusioned with the good ship Albion at present. It all just seems a bit meh. Our play-off hopes have all but collapsed and the transfer window was as underwhelming as in our Withdean days. Gus and Bridcutt have been acting like knobs. Ulloa looks totally disinterested. Possibly due to getting no service ever. Spanish Dave has been Dagenham Dave for ages and is getting worse. Plus our players just love picking up injuries. Always. All the time. So yeah, meh sums it up pretty adequately. At least we’re going to win the cup. That’ll be something nice to end the season on. I very much look forward to it. (FFSSte)

We lumped the away trips to Derby and Burnley into one for the simple reason that there was barely anything to write about. Both games were close, but - with just four shots on target between the two sides at Derby (although we almost scored from a corner when Upson’s header was well saved) - there really wasn’t much to write home about. Albion looked pretty solid defensively at the iPro Stadium (that’s Pride Park to the rest of us). That was until some baby faced Chelsea player came off the bench and scored a deflected winner 15 minutes from time. Albion never recovered and lost away from home in what felt like ages. The Brunswick Inn continues to be one of the best away pubs. A contingent of TSLRites booked time off work and a hotel in Burnley, and were healthily rewarded with a great night out in one of the country’s premier nightclub locations and a scoreless draw. Albion had kept the Burnley strikers as quiet as they have been all season plus we created the best two chances of the game. We left the game gutted as we really should have tucked one of those chances away, but it a nice point against fellow play-off contenders and Ashley Barnes didn’t score! (Colin Pates)

The FA Cup visit to Port Vale was, quite simply, a wonderful trip for all Albionites. A 3-1 win with effectively the reserve team; a little love-in with our aged and fatter old manager; a few pints of bitter in a lovely Burslem establishment and a pork pie of which the quality you tend to struggle to find in the south. In the pub garden pre-match, we’d been hit by a hailstorm that made me wonder why I hadn’t packed waterproof trainers. Unbeknown to us at the time, there had been a late pitch inspection but, as we kicked off, the ridiculously muddy pitch was still better than the one we’d seen at the Valley on Boxing Day. We managed to score from two corners - King Rohan scored from one that was cut back towards the edge of the box seemingly on purpose, and Solly March accidentally crossed one in the far corner. Vale had scored from a corner in between. Albion dominated the second half (even Agustien wasn’t shocking) and we could have scored more. In the end, on-loan Jonathan Obika wrapped it up late on. The only bad part of the day? We hadn’t cuptied that one time hero, Liam Bridcutt. The Albion fans were left singing their way into the fifth round - ‘can we play you every week?’ they chimed to the home faithful. Of course we can play teams like Port Vale every week - we just need to get relegated first. (@Swiftenburg)

There has been poor performances in recent times at Watford. This time, and on a Sunday too, there was little to be excited about. The thing is, Sunday football should be consigned to the park. It’s not the same as a Saturday. It never will be. As soon as we entered the local Weatherspoons and mingled amongst its usual Sunday lunchtime clientele, we knew this wasn’t going to be a fun day out. A couple of hours later we were faced by militant stewards at the Vicarage. The brightly coloured reflective jacket brigade insisted that ticket holders took up their exact seat. Not content with charging us £26 for two hours of ‘entertainment’, it appears that standing next to someone you might know is considered an excessive luxury. So we witnessed an Albion performance that was as dilapidated as Watford’s derelict east stand. Watford scored twice - arguably against the run of play both times. Their second came from a Gordon Greer backpass, a defensive blunder that typified the lethargic performance. Ulloa - starved of service for 89 of the 90 minutes scored a consolation from a free kick. But most of us had already seen the flag waving linesman before the full celebration could be implemented. (Sean Bence)

BARNES APATHY

The departure of an Amex-splitting forward at the same time as a frustrating dip of form has been as interesting as it is tedious

e wasn’t really cherished, but he certainly wasn’t hated. He did score goals, but not prolifically. Ashley Barnes was a kind of inverse icon, his number 9 branding belying his utilitarian status. The limited all-rounder whose name was always first on the team sheet. More margarine than Marmite: a synthetic alternative to the real thing wherever placed on the park. The shirt number became iconic but his Albion highlights lack the truly consequential moments that elevate a player into the legendary status. Deployed left, right and centre thanks to Gus’ irrefutable belief in his talents and Oscar’s continued faith, Barnes became an ever-present emblem of generality. The knock-off Swiss Army Knife of the manager’s toolkit that offers a multitude of blunt attacking options. Or perhaps a oneman Austrian Under 21 International totalfootballing package. In fact it could be argued that Barnes took profligacy to a new level, relentless, as he botched chance after chance seemingly unaffected by the haunting confidence-eroding consequences of repeated failure. Always straight back on the horse. Ever willing. I note in the 90th minute of our recent draw at Burnley a chance fell to Barnes - the last of the

match, the sort of opportunity that can make the difference between automatic promotion and a play off spot come the end of the season - and Barnes missed it. His movement and instincts were generally superb, he was usually in the right place at just the right time, but this often exposed his technical limitations in front of goal. Yet even with the misses and the moans and the suspensions it was still sad to see him depart. He played an integral part throughout the Poyet era: one of the finest in our history. He was one of the last of that magnificent League One championship winning team left at the club, and a dependable stalwart of our two and a half seasons at Falmer. He brought some much needed aggression and physicality to the party, plus a fair few goals and assists. He wasn’t adored but I don’t think anybody disliked him either, and he certainly made that number nine shirt his own. TSLR

Parker

FORMER BOSSES The figure of an aged Mickey Adams applauding the sopping Albion travellers at Vale Park naturally draws comparisons with another ex-manager who is also in our news

“O

ne Micky Adams, There’s only one Micky Adams” we sang the other week. He turned and warmly applauded the travelling Albion fans, no doubt as full as we were of memories of the good times we had had together at ‘The Withdean’ as he always called it. And conveniently forgetting all about his second spell in charge of us, for which we seem to have forgiven him. Will we ever feel the same way towards Gus Poyet as we do towards Micky Adams after his similarly successful, and arguably bigger, contribution to the success story that is Brighton and Hove Albion these days? Personally, I doubt it.

And yet there are many parallels between Adams and Poyet, both in their influence on our Club and the way in which they left us to pursue their dreams of managing in the Premier League. Both transformed our Club’s fortunes, capitalising on the great hope that accompanied a change of home ground. In Adams’ case, it was the return to Brighton from Gillingham while for Poyet it was the move from Withdean to Falmer. Very different circumstances of course but in both cases, there was a huge surge in expectation around the Club which generated the momentum for the forthcoming success. Adams changed many of the playing staff and, with the new players, came a new style of play and an unbeatable team spirit that we all felt part of. He took us from relegation fodder in the bottom division to Champions, and then onwards and upwards into the upper reaches of the League above. A little over a decade later, Poyet’s influence was remarkably similar. He too brought in a different way of playing the game, and the players that could deliver that style. And once again, we were changed from also-rans to Champions of one division before progressing into promotion candidates in the division above. Both Adams and Poyet had frequently stated their ambition to work in the Premier League while managing us. We of course understood that their bringing success to our Club would make them attractive to those towards the bottom of that League who were looking for a manager to change their fortunes. We also realised in Adams’ case that he had no chance of Premiership football with us at that time. With Gus it was less of a pipe dream but nevertheless, I think even those of us with the rosiest-tinted spectacles could see that Gus had his eyes on bigger jobs than little old Brighton.

The difference of course was the manner of the departure. When Adams moved on, it was like your best mate at work leaving for a better job with everyone’s best wishes ringing in his ears. Although his subsequent managerial career hasn’t panned out in the way that he might have hoped, we take no pleasure in that. We weren’t being arrogant or big-headed about the fact that we now play in a higher division than the one in which he now manages. It was genuine mutual respect and affection. When Gus left, it was like the most acrimonious divorce in history. Gus and the Club clearly fell out of love with each other and then refused to talk to each other. Whenever they did manage to communicate, the talk was of splitting up and of course there were continuous arguments about money. Court cases were threatened, solicitors rubbed their hands with glee at their payday and eventually, the divorce settlement was completed. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I wish ill of Gus. In fact I laughed as loudly as anyone when De Gea let that soft goal in against Sunderland in the COCup semi-final – it was Man Utd though I suppose and if you can’t laugh at them at the moment, you really do have a sense of humour by-pass. But although I will be eternally grateful for the good times that Gus brought, I don’t care about whether he does well or not. And when our paths cross again as they inevitably will, I don’t think I’ll be clapping or singing his name, whatever our relative fortunes are at the time. But Micky is still welcome any time. TSLR

Midfield Diamond

Haywards Heath Ledger 21 reasons why we are gutted that Adam El-Abd left @HHLedger

Adam El-Abd is an Egypt international. I actually can’t think of a more flair country to play for. They’ve won the African Cup of Nations. Several times. And they’re too hip to bother qualifying for anything as boring and corporate as the World Cup. 2. His excellent commitment to winding up opponents always brought a bit of excitement to an otherwise dull away trip. Remember when he pulled a full-Rivaldo face-clutch after Neil Mellor brushed against his ribs at Hillsborough? Of course you do. Remember anything else about that game? No? Exactly. 3. His is the sort of winding-up of opponents that originates in a tough guy, picked on by referees, who has learned the hard way how to control his temper and play ‘the game’ to his own advantage. 4. He was the proto-Ashley Barnes. Back in the day he survived a period where he was the scapegoat for the same aggro twats, the ones that always have to have a favourite player to vent abuse at. (Because they have a depressing dead-end job and boring mates and selfesteem issues or something). Except instead of running off to Burnley he got his revenge by becoming one of our best players. 5. He made you think you could have, and probably should have been, a professional footballer... “If only I’d tried a bit harder. And I’d really wanted it.” 6. He was the best thing on that embarassing Channel 4 documentary. He seemed very genuine and nice. 7. His wife seemed really nice as well. 8. His is the best chant of any Albion player’s for the last 5 years or so. 9. Greer is really old.

10. Upson is really old. 11. Dunk is really young (at least, still young enough to get wound up in a crucial derby game cf. point 3 above). 12. He was there when we were shit. 13. Gus reckoned he was the best defender at the club, and said so. 14. He’s hard. 15. Seriously - did you see that photo of his leg. He’s really hard. 16. No one else appreciates him like we do. How he’s ended up going to a struggling third tier team I don’t understand. 17. It was hilarious watching other teams try to counter Gus’s possession-football tactics by pressing us high up the pitch, giving none of our players time on the ball to build up attacks. Except Adam El Abd. Who they were happy to leave in acres of space with the ball. 18. Yet was still happy to gamely play passing triangles with Casper and Gordon for 15 minutes while the opposing forwards tired themselves out chasing the ball. 19. And was the cornerstone of a defence that conceded 40 goals in a season the year we got promoted. 20. Despite having a hard image he went to private school in Hurstpierpoint. 21. His brother plays rugby professionally. Referring back to point 1: Can anyone name another Egypt international with a professional-Rugby playing brother? There’s only one Adam El-Abd. TSLR

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the charge of the albion brigade @Swiftenburg

t was early morning on day two, the mist had lifted from the South Downs and Albion company rose from their tents. Sargeant Upson had been on guard for the last hours of the night, replicating his recent impressive leadership in the Burslem skirmish. They had many miles to travel and an intense battle awaited them. Captain Greer led the way due north. Private Kuszczak was still mildly wary of being led by his Captain, scarred as he was by a hand grenade incident during the Battle of Vicarage Road. Following pressure from the enemy, Greer had thrown a grenade in a wild panic towards Kuszczak, and it was only an attack from opposition forces that had meant the bomb had flown passed him, and caused no personal damage, except maybe to his pride. When the regiment had set out on this mission, the crowds of Sussex had cheered them on their way. The military band had struck up a little ditty they had composed called ‘Sussex by the Sea’ but it was being played at too quick a tempo. The scene - all handkerchief and flag waving had been photographic. But now they were alone and had much ground to cover. The company had been hit hard recently in the annual January fighting. Every first month of the calendar year, the war intensifies and this one was no different. The regiment had lost five members in total - enemies had taken Private Barnes and Corporal Bridcutt captive, whilst Private El-Abd was discharged and Barker’s previous court martial had counted against his involvement in the platoon. Maksimenko was temporarily transferred to a Scottish unit, and Lieutenant Croft had seen his knee shattered in an explosion. Whether Captain Greer had caused that damage was unclear. But it was clear that the unit had almost lost its faith in their

Captain after the episode at Vicarage Road. Major Jones had insisted he was the right man to continue captaining the men. There were other injuries too - Privates Smith and Hoskins had been left behind from this mission in the hands of Doctor Buck. Those who had been discharged were partly but not entirely replaced. Private Stephens had arrived from Woolwich Barracks and Rodríguez had been drafted in from Spain. The regiment knew that Brigadier Burke had not provided adequate cover. The entire unit had tired of Lopez’s laziness. In the play-off battle last year, he had hidden out of range of opposition gunners, returning no fire. He had been transferred to a new regiment over the summer but had returned to Sussex’s Albion unit in August. It appeared his nerves were shot to pieces - a couple of kills aside (across the Keep Moat outside Doncaster’s Castle and in the defence of Falmer against the Blue Army) - retreat was becoming Lopez’s default position. On this march north, he stayed near the back. After traipsing through flooded fields until dusk, the company settled for the evening near the Gatwick air base. The men’s confidence was low. They were tired. They had been in battle on or off for the best part of six months. Despite Lieutenant Colonel Garcia’s words of encouragement, they knew that General Bloom was safely in the Falmer bivouac and would see no action. They were troubled by the way General Bloom seemed to be listening so intently to Brigadiers Barber and Burke, and they all knew this mission could be their last. On day three they rose, tired and wary of enemy fire. They knew that they could encounter opposition fire from a defector - Dicker had recently joined the troops of the Crawley regiment, and would have some inclination of the Albion unit’s route. But

“Clearly no enemy felt Albion offered a serious threat to them any longer. But this meant the regiment could mount a surprise attack on those who had killed Poyet and Officer Vicente in May” they were also heading straight for the territory occupied by the Croydon regiment, who would shoot on sight - as they had done when they partly destroyed the Falmer bivouac in May. That battle had seen previous Lieutenant Colonel, Poyet, killed in action. Private LuaLua kept stepping out of line as they travelled north. He kept making speedy flanking runs but kept forgetting to inform the rest of the unit what he was doing. LuaLua had the most powerful gun, but struggled to remain accurate. If they did encounter the enemy, the unit knew his shooting could quite easily become quickly wayward. Talking of wayward, Kuszczak’s distribution of supplies had angered many of his fellow soldiers. He kept launching rations into enemy territory that were either irretrievable or beyond the battlefield completely - an unfortunate habit he had inherited from his predecessor, Dutch Marine Kuipers. It had made the unit hungry, and – coupled with tiredness - increasingly angry. Finally, on day four, they advanced up the mountains of the North Downs. They had marched for days and the biggest threat had become boredom. Clearly no enemy felt Albion offered a serious threat to them any longer. But this meant the regiment could mount a surprise attack on those who had killed Poyet

and Officer Vicente in May. The main worry was how the unit would advance on an enemy. Over the past six months, the regiment’s formation had been narrow. At times, even those who were expected to attack through the flanks had been advancing through the middle. In so doing, they offered little in the way of a serious threat. Lance Corporal Calderon had not been on the battlefield for some time but his infectiously positive attitude was rallying the troops. Despite the wasting of supplies by Kuszczak, Calderon was happy to go out of his way to supply troops with buffalo mozzarella rations at inflated prices, usually from the black-market (or Waitrose). As the group descended into the Croydon regiment’s territory, they were placed on high alert. By the afternoon on day four, and despite the ration shortage, Private Agustien was flagging. He simply didn’t have enough energy to carry his gut forward any longer, and his mind was focussed on how much his stomach was rumbling. Luckily the more youthful elements of the unit were providing energy and showing promise. Privates Ince, Caskey, March and Chicksen had conquered many enemies over the past few months, and were clearly growing in confidence. They were entrusted with lead-

ing the troops as they encircled the Selhurst bivouac. Having passed through the Selhurst depot, they came towards the Croydon regiment’s current base. Due to his consistently positive prowess when it comes to attacking, Private Bruno was on lookout duty. The unit knew they were in danger if they relied on Bruno to defend the Albion regiment but they were calm when he moved forward, and followed. Sussex’s best division set up camp for the night - in the morning they would attack. Day five began with a positive outlook. But within minutes, something had changed. Private Bruno quietly spoke to Garcia and, before anyone really understood what was happening, Major Jones had ordered a retreat. They were to head south and make direct contact with Corporal Southern, an ally who would prepare transportation back to the south coast from the East Croydon transit area. As they grumbled, and marched onwards - well, backwards from their original mission - Private Ward caught up with Bruno. “What did you see, Spaniard?” Bruno replied in a sombre tone. “It was awful, a petrifying sight. We had to leave. We weren’t welcome there.”

It transpired that Private Bruno had seen something so terrifying, Garcia had forced his troops back towards Sussex. Bruno had looked at the Selhurst bivouac and immediately seen a scene of the promised land. The Croydon regiment’s flag flew amongst 19 other regimental ensigns and the soldiers were all interacting with each other. It appeared they were being led by the Premier League regiment, under the watchful eye of General Scudamore. What’s more, he was throwing money at all the regiments. And everyone was laughing. As they advanced onto a train near East Croydon, Bruno turned to the unit: “If that’s what we’re fighting for, I don’t want to win.” Private Ulloa responded - “I lost the will to fight months ago.” TSLR

Carter On ... The Youth Team We might kid ourselves when talking about nurturing succesful footballers from Sussex. In fact, our county has produced fewer Premier League footballers than any other. Carter remembers the best of a bad bunch @CarterBrighton

years ago the Albion travelled to Villa Park for a 5th Round tie in the FA Youth Cup. Having dispatched Leicester at Withdean in the previous round, the Albion trainees were treading new ground in the competition and were doing so with a squad made up entirely of lads born or raised in Sussex. The first team flirting with another league title and Adam Virgo featuring in Micky Adams’ side that season added heaps of optimistic energy throughout all levels of the Club. Even so, not many fans would have looked at the team sheet in February 2002 and predicted that any of those young Seagulls would go on to make 300 appearances and one day get a Player of the Season nod. Throughout the 90s it seemed that the Club finding and keeping hold of local talent for the first team was as rare as financial restraint at Crystal Palace. A few came through okay, like Ian Chapman and Stuart Tuck and I remember local hero Ross Johnson giving out awards at an end of season do for my under 12s team. Of course, Kerry Mayo finished a Priestfield season as top scorer with 6 goals in the right end, setting him on the road to Ginger Prince stardom. But the most prominent discussion about the youth set-up before the cup run of 2001-02 was probably the Gareth Barry and Michael Standing saga. Everyone knows the story - except Google, which notes the former’s place of birth as Rochdale. Despite knowing that we’d be groundless and sponsored by a local Italian restaurant, Barry and Standing inexpli-

cably turned down YTS contracts from the Albion in February 1997 in favour of professional deals with Premiership Aston Villa. Like queuing for a pie and pint in the WSU, the ensuing compensation case dragged on for 18 months. Very appropriate then, that Albion headed to Villa Park almost 5 years after Barry and Standing buggered off with a coach full of local kids. Have to check I’ve got the syntax right there or it looks like I’m accusing them of child abduction. The Villains won the night and the FA Youth Cup that year; but for the Albion, the run highlighted a pivotal change in the determination to nurture local players and make them proud to pull on the stripes. Plenty of players broke through in the ensuing Withdean years, helped in part by Martin Hinshelwood and Dean Wilkins’ proximity to first team affairs. From that successful cup team of 2002, five would eventually make the step up with varying success – Chris May, Dan Harding, Gary Elphick, Dan Beck and Adam El-Abd. El- Abd had been at the Albion for almost a decade before making his debut under McGhee in November 2003. I’ve just realised that McGhee sounds like a beef alternative at McDonalds in India. He went on to rack up those 300 league appearances over another ten or so years. It’s slightly poignant he transferred to the West Country in the same year the new youth academy will open- a world away (well, lancing) from the state of the Club he joined as a school kid.TSLR

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