Massachusetts Daily Collegian: March 25, 2014

TH E M ASS AC H U SET T S

A free and responsible press

DAILY COLLEGIAN

Serving the UMass community since 1890

DailyCollegian.com

Kristi Stefanoni establishing her role as new leader at UMass

By Jason Kates

K

Collegian Staff

risti Stefanoni’s love for the game of softball can be traced all the way back to when she was just 5 years old, when her grandfather first put a softball in her hand.

She can still remember going outside and playing catch for an hour or two a day, whether it was with her father or grandfather, learning about the game she would develop a great passion for later on in her life.

“He taught me how to do pretty much everything, whether it was pitching, hitting or fielding ground balls,” Stefanoni said of her grandfather. “He was the one that brought softball to my attention.”

A native of Columbus, N.J., Stefanoni attended Northern Burlington Country Regional High School, where she was a four-year varsity player and led her school to its first state championship as a senior. She received all-conference honors, as well as all-area and AllSouth Jersey honors, and was inducted into the Northern Burlington Athletic Hall of Fame in March 2013.

Stefanoni had multiple schools in mind when thinking about college, but knew nothing about the Massachusetts softball program. That was until she was spotted by Elaine Sortino at a national tournament.

Although she may not have been familiar with the UMass program, Stefanoni could tell from Sortino’s tone the first time they spoke that they had something in common: the desire to win.

“My immediate reaction to her voice on the phone was, ‘Wow this woman is intense and is dead set on winning for her program,’” said Stefanoni, who committed to UMass in October 2001. “All it took for me was to meet her in person and to go up to campus and I was completely sold.”

It was during her freshman year that she knew she was going to be there for a really long time. She wanted to become a coach when she was done playing.

“It was just one of those feelings where you feel super comfortable when you’re on campus and enjoy being around the people you are

COLLEGIAN FILE PHOTO

Kristi Stefanoni takes over as UMass softball coach after serving as both a player and assistant for the Minutewomen over the years. around,” Stefanoni said. “I came from a winning high school program and a winning travel ball team, and I knew Elaine was known as a great teacher of the game, so I knew I would get better with her.”

What Stefanoni didn’t realize at the time was the special relationship she was about to form with Sortino over the next decade as a player, assistant and friend.

An unbreakable bond After playing for Sortino for four years, Stefanoni immediately joined the Minutewomen’s coaching staff. Those next seven years brought her even closer to Sortino.

So when Sortino was first diagnosed with cancer in 2011,

Stefanoni took it harder than most people did. For her, it wasn’t just another old college coach getting sick. It was family.

“Elaine to me was mom away from home,” she said.

“She had always been a mother figure to me and people would always joke that when they saw us together she treated me like her daughter and I always treated her like my mom.”

That was just the kind of relationship they had. It was two people who came from different backgrounds that had an understanding for each other and would develop a long-lasting friendship.

When Stefanoni talks to people about the relationship the two of them had, she always tells people that when

she was 18 years old and left for school, Sortino basically picked up where her own mom left off. “(Sortino) definitely played a major role in raising me and teaching me what to do in order to become a better person,” Stefanoni said. “Not only did she teach me how to be an athlete and coach, but also how to be a better individual.”

At the time of Sortino’s diagnosis, imagining life without her beloved mentor was something Stefanoni never thought she would have to do, whether it was athletically or personally. Sortino was the one that was there for her whenever she had issues, and to see that slowly slipping away was heartbreaking for her.

“It was tough for me to watch somebody that you love and care about so much go through that from the very beginning to the very end,” Stefanoni said. “The entire time all I could think about was ‘she can’t go anywhere, there’s no way.’ I always thought she was untouchable.”

Unfortunately, nobody is untouchable, and when Sortino died in August 2013, Stefanoni knew it was her time to lead.

A new role

interim head coach by UMass Athletic Director John McCutcheon back in late August, and she was humbled to know she was taking over a position that had been held by Sortino since 1980.

Accepting this position as head coach was a bittersweet moment for Stefanoni.

She was fulfilling her goal of becoming a head coach, but not in the way she had hoped for.

“I was very honored to be able to continue on the tradition and legacy of UMass softball,” she said.

“Unfortunately, it’s not the way I would have wanted it to happen, but it was something that I take extremely great pride in the fact that (McCutcheon) felt comfortable enough that he could give me this job.”

Already 17 games into the season, Stefanoni is trying to incorporate her experiences under Sortino into her own coaching style in hopes of reigniting a program that once won 16 consecutive Atlantic 10 championships.

“What comes out of my mouth is probably what would come out of hers,” Stefanoni said. “I just say it a little differently. She taught me to be very calm and I am very grateful that I was able to learn from such a successful, Hall-of-Fame coach.”

Off to a slow start in her first year, Stefanoni believes that the Minutewomen’s 3-14 record is not indicative of the way they have been playing.

“We’re just missing that one inning where we tend to let the other team get away with it,” she said. “Whether it’s our defense or we just aren’t hitting, if we can eliminate that one bad inning, we’ll win games.”

Another thing she told her team is that with conference playing starting soon, they now have a clean slate.

“To me, this is a brand new team. The way that I coach them is gonna be new. I am reinventing players and different ways that we can do things,” Stefanoni said.

“What I hope to accomplish is as weeks go on and conference play goes on, we get better each and every game at something, and in May, we are where we set out to be.”

On Feb. 21, 2014, a new era had officially begun. A new individual was leading UMass softball in its first game of the season, and that individual was Stefanoni.

Jason Kates can be reached at Stefanoni was hired as jkates@umass.edu.

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

DailyCollegian.com

UM bonding on the road UMass focused on winning in Fla.

By Matthew ZackMan Collegian Staff

For most New Englanders, a trip to Florida is the epitome of a well-deserved break.

Some enjoy relaxing on the beach, others like to play golf on Florida’s finest courses and there are even those who will attempt to ride each roller coaster at all five of Disney World’s parks.

But for the Massachusetts softball team, a visit to Florida is all about business.

On Feb. 21, the Minutewomen flew to Clearwater, Fla., for their first five games of the season. Despite being within driving distance to both Busch Gardens and Adventure Island, UMass opted to focus on being student-athletes.

Although they were 1,315 miles away from their classrooms in Amherst, the team “is a very well rounded group of players that take their academics very seriously,” UMass coach Kristi Stefanoni said.

Stefanoni emphasized that her players attend UMass for academics and are aware that schoolwork is their first priority. They are in constant contact with their professors and their professors even work to accommodate the team’s demanding travel schedule.

While on the road, Stefanoni hosted study halls in her hotel room for a couple of hours after games were finished.

Assistant coach Staci Ramsey also hosted study hall on occasion. “One to two hours of quiet study time away from the TV and from sitting on a bed allow the girls to gather themselves and focus on their studies,” Stefanoni said.

Although Stefanoni emphasized that traveling to Florida was a business trip, there were times when the coaching staff treated the team in order to reward them for their hard work and encourage team bonding.

“After our first afternoon practice, we took

COLLEGIAN FILE PHOTO

Quianna Diaz-Patterson swings at a pitch in a game last season. them to the beach for dinner and a walk,” she said.

Stefanoni added that road trips generally include little free time, but “on this instance that we did, I thought they deserved a chance to put their feet in the sand and have a really nice dinner while enjoying each other.”

However, the short period of free time that the Minutewomen spent by the Florida coast only accounts for a tiny interval of time that the team spends together in a non-softball setting. Whether it is the bus ride to the airport, waiting to board the plane in the terminal, the threehour flight to Florida, team meals, down time in the hotel or even collaboration on school work, the extra moments only help build team chemistry.

Despite having to cancel their first trip to Boca Raton, a weekend usually gauged to see how the roster fits together, Stefanoni emphasized that the road trips do a lot for the team.

“Our team chemistry is

great, we have great leadership in our junior and senior class and everybody is working towards the big ultimate goal to make sure we are where we want to be in May,” she said. “I think that those away trips really help us out big time as the team spends more time with each other. The trips have done really great things for the team so far.”

The Minutewomen first took to playing on dirt and grass on their road trips, which, according to Stefanoni, has been tough because the team has been unable to play on their own field in Amherst.

However, Stefanoni believes that “the trips prepared us as best as they possibly could.”

Although being back in New England is certainly no vacation, the Minutewomen will look to capitalize on their newfound chemistry coupled with their business trip mentality to spark success.

Matthew Zackman can be reached at mzackman@umass.edu.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

2

3

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

DailyCollegian.com

BASEBALL

WEATHERING THE UMSTORM to battle cold

temps in return to Earl Lorden Field

By TyleR FieldeR

“The weather in Massachusetts is not Florida but we will have to deal with it.”

Collegian Staff

COLLEGIAN FILE PHOTO

Nik Campero is expected to be a key part of the UMass lineup as a senior this season.

UMass ready to shake off early struggles

By Ross Gienieczko Collegian Staff

As the calendar shifted to March, Amherst remained covered with snow. It was a not-so-friendly reminder of a long cold winter, which dragged on far longer than most would have liked.

The Massachusetts baseball team’s slow start has also lasted longer than they would prefer.

The Minutemen have struggled to a 3-13 record in the first month of the season.

The leading causes of their poor start would appear to be an inconsistent rotation and a knack for starting games slowly – UMass has been outscored 57-27 in the first five innings of games.

But that’s the easy explanation.

The more complex – and probably more accurate – answer stems from a question that the college baseball community has wrestled with for years: are northern teams disadvantaged by their inability to practice outdoors or host games for the first weeks of the season?

Recently, the numbers have indicated yes. Last year, the Minutemen began the season 3-12 before finishing with a more respectable 11-19 mark. In 2012, UMass started 5-8 before ripping off a 17-14 stretch to end the year.

How about a bigger sample size?

Over the past 10 years, UMass has compiled a winloss record of 44-107 in the

months of February and March for a winning percentage of .219.

From the start of April to the end of the season, the Minutemen have won 145 games and lost 169. That comes out to a winning percentage of .462, more than double the percentage of the first month of the season.

Just like the change from winter to spring, an improvement in play is nearly automatic as the season goes on.

UMass will have to wait to play its true home game until April 4 when it hosts Dayton – the Minutemen’s first home game was supposed to be today against Holy Cross, but it’s been postponed. When April 4 hits, they will have played theiron Tuesday after play-

ing its first 2016 games on the road or at neutral sites hundreds of miles away.

“There’s a lot of late nights and early mornings,” senior third baseman Nik Campero said. “It can be a tough adjustment for younger players.”

There are other factors that specifically affect college baseball. As an outdoor sport, it’s critical that baseball teams practice outside early in the season and take repetitions in game-like scenarios on a real field.

When asked how many times the Minutemen had been outside to practice before the start of their season, UMass coach Mike Stone responded with, “a few.” see

STRUGGLES on page 4

Spring is finally here and the UMass baseball team’s first home game is around the corner, but snow and cold temperatures could still be on the horizon. The freezing and snowy winter is continuing to affect baseball in the northeast.

The Minutemen have played 16 games so far, all away from Earl Lorden Field. It has been a less than ideal start to the Minutemen’s season as they have struggled to a 3-13 record – 2-7 on the road, and 1-6 on neutral grounds.

“I think we have had our chances to win some games but couldn’t come away with wins,” UMass coach Mike Stone said, later adding, “It’s always tough being away from home but we do this every season so there is no excuse.”

UMass has traveled down to North Carolina, Florida and Maryland to play in baseball-friendly climates.

However, when they come home to Massachusetts the weather will be less than ideal. Snow, though not much, is still on the ground and has yet to show signs of stopping.

“The weather in Massachusetts is not Florida but we will have to deal with it,” Stone said. “It will be good to get back to Earl Lorden Field.”

There are threats that the current cold spell could carry into April. Teams in the Northeast normally play their first month of games in more baseballfriendly climates. However, it is now late March with those teams coming back home, and snow is still on the ground thanks to such an unpredictable winter.

“I don’t think anyone predicted a winter like this

Mike Stone, UMass coach that dragged into spring,” Stone said.

With the cold weather still in Massachusetts the players and coaches “are just going to have to fight through it,” Stone said.

The Minutemen played in more favorable weather conditions down south earlier this season. However, UMass will be looking forward to playing 18 of its last 33 games at home after so much travel in the first month of the season.

“I think we are all excited to be back and play some home games,” Stone said.

“No team feels that it is ideal to begin the season with 16 games away from home, it is tough and takes a toll on everybody.”

Calling on the underclassmen Coming into this season, the Minutemen had 11 returning sophomores along with 10 freshmen joining the team. They’re already being asked And are already asking these underclassmen to make major contributions.The youth of this team has also been a major factor early on this season. Coming into this season, the Minutemen had 11 returning sophomores along with 10 freshmen joining the team.

“We feel we have a lot of good young players and some veteran leadership,” Stone said. “The undersee

YOUTH on page 4

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

DailyCollegian.com

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

4

UM adjusting without star Rob McLam out with torn ACL

By Chris Corso Collegian Staff

The Massachusetts baseball team has had a major hole to fill in its lineup in 2014.

Rob McLam, who is coming off a career year in which he was named to the Atlantic 10 All-Conference Second Team, tore his anterior cruciate ligament before the start of the season and has sat out with a medical redshirt.

The second baseman spent a majority of last season as UMass’ designated hitter, and his third spot in the batting order – a spot he held for all 45 games last season – has been missed by his teammates.

“Rob was our three-hitter, second team all A-10, a big part of our lineup, great kid and a good friend,” fellow senior Nick Sanford said.

“So you know it’s tough to see him go down with an injury like that. He wishes he could be here with us but we’ve had to work around it.”

The Terryville, Conn., native led the Minutemen in hits (55), batting average (.311), doubles (11), on base percentage (.391) and total bases (68) in 2013.

“We really don’t have the type of guy that can fill the three-hole the way that Rob did. He was a high average guy that hit for line drives and added speed to that spot,” UMass coach Mike Stone said. “We have guys

who can hit the ball more as gap hitters but we don’t have a guy who can provide that speed that Rob did in that part of the lineup.”

Senior first baseman Dylan Begin, who leads the team in runs batted in (10), said the loss of McLam requires more than just one player to pick up the slack.

“It’s tough when you lose a teammate. We call ourselves brothers, so Rob is like a brother to us,” Begin said. “It’s tough when you lose someone of Rob’s character. He’s always been a high energy guy. We all have to step up and fill in because you can’t just call on one guy to fill Rob’s shoes.”

Begin said that there have been a couple of Minutemen that have stepped up for UMass offensively and defensively so far during McLam’s absence.

Sanford moved over from shortstop to second base to fill the void on defense and has had success at his new position, compiling a perfect fielding percentage so far.

“Our effort and attitude have been great,” Sanford said. “Our defense has been great. That’s something that we pride ourselves on this year. I know our bats will come around … and we’ll be alright.”

While Stone expected upperclassmen players like Adam Picard, Nik Campero or Begin to hit in the third spot at the start of the season, it has been freshman Mike Geannelis, who has also been a pleasant surprise at the plate. The right-handed pitcher is hitting .324 this season and has seen an increased role in the

STRUGGLES This problem is not unique to the Minutemen. Most northern college teams have to deal with the fact that more often than not, their first outdoor repetitions will come during live game action in the first weekends of the season.

Stone said there is no way to fully replicate the experience of playing outdoors, no matter how hard teams try.

“You do what you can,” Stone said. “We try to stretch our pitchers out, get hitters as many at bats as possible.”

But, Stone said, there are limits to how much you can do indoors.

“You need to get into game like situations where a lot of things are happening to get comfortable,” he said.

Campero agreed that the only way to practice certain things is to get outside and do them. He noted several disadvantages of practicing indoors.

“Boyden (Gym) can be pretty dark,” Campero said.

“As a hitter, that makes it tough to pick up things like velocity and spin on the ball.

“He wishes he could be here with us, but we’ve had to work around it.”

Nick Sanford, UMass senior middle of the lineup.

“Mike has the looks like a guy who has a lot of pop in his bat from the left side of the plate so far,” Stone said. “He definitely hasn’t looked like a freshman this year when he gets up to the plate.”

Campero leads the team in hits (16) and total bases (21) this season and is also a strong candidate to see atbats toward the middle of the lineup for the Minutemen.

Stone said he will continue to give opportunities to whoever can show a sign of steady production in the middle of the lineup.

“There hasn’t been a ton of consistent offense yet,” he said. “We have seen a couple spurts of offense out of some of these guys but we’re looking for guys to step up.”

Stone acknowledged the fact that the loss of McLam was a tough loss, but all the team can do is move forward.

“Rob is definitely a guy we will miss this year, but he’s gone now and we can’t change that,” Stone said.

“Hopefully guys will fill in this year and he will come back next year healthy and ready to play.”

Chris Corso can be reached at ccorso@umass.edu and followed on Twitter @ChrisCorso5.

YOUTH

continued from page 3

“In terms of fielding, taking repetitions outside again is key. Getting on field turf or grass helps a lot, because inside you get some weird bounces on the floor.”

Unlike southern teams, which can replicate those factors every day at practice, the only way for northern teams to adjust is to let the schedule take its course.

“It can be frustrating,” Stone said. “When you don’t start (outside) as early, you’re trying to catch up.

It’s difficult to do. You’re not as acclimated as other ball clubs or players.”

UMass has certainly played into the slow-start stereotype this season. The team batting average sits at .223, while the pitching staff’s earned run average has ballooned to 5.84. To put that in perspective, Minutemen opponents have hit .280 against them, and opposing rotations have compiled a 3.48 ERA. Despite the less-than-stellar numbers, Stone knows his team has progressed.

“There’s no question we’re a better team right now than we were the first weekend.” he said.

Another good indicator for the Minutemen: many of their top hitters are nearing a crucial early-season milestone.

“For a hitter, you’re looking at about 60 at-bats before you really get acclimated outside,” Stone said.

Leadoff man Kyle Adie leads the team with 66 atbats, and four other hitters have already eclipsed the 50 at-bat mark.

As if on cue, UMass looks like it is starting to shake its early season funk. It won back-to-back games versus La Salle in Philadelphia over the weekend, their first winning streak of the season.

While winter weather may return to Amherst this week, the Minutemen can only hope that history holds true and they have turned the corner into spring.

Ross Gienieczko can be reached at rgieniec@umass.edu and followed on Twitter @RossCollegian.

continued from page 3

classmen are asked to do a lot for this team, overcoming injuries and filling in for departing seniors from last year. ” While the end result hasn’t been good in terms of wins and losses, Stone said, The Minutemen’s season will have plenty of contributions from the underclassmen and “Wwe feel they will gain a lot of experience and help us get better down the road,” Stone said. .”

F reshman Mike Geannelis has made the biggest impression so far this season, batting .324 with 11 hits and four runs batted in in 34 career plate COLLEGIAN FILE PHOTO appearances.

But UMass has certainly Conor LeBlanc delivers a pitch for UMass baseball in a game last season. struggled with its young team so far, especially gotten to UMass early this the Minutemen with the having to play its first 16 season. They feel they can cold weather at Amherst, games on the road. Stone, turn this around. the constant travel in their however, ist confident the “We have been in a lot of first 16 games, and with the Minutemen will turn it games but haven’t been inexperience of a young around. able to come through with team.

With the struggles of wins,” Stone said. starting the year on the This season has come Tyler Fielder can be reached at road with a young team has with some struggles for tfiedler@umass.edu.

WO M E N ’ S L AC RO S S E

Minutewomen set for clash with No. 7 Northwestern UMass puts perfect record on the line

By Jesse Mayfield-sheehan Collegian Staff

For a team that’s undefeated and ranks in the top10 in the nation, going into a game as an underdog is a rare occurrence.

But that’s exactly what’s coming up for the No. 10 Massachusetts women’s lacrosse team, as it heads into a matchup against No. 7 Northwestern on Tuesday night.

But senior defender Kelsey McGovern said that going into the game as an underdog can be a blessing in disguise.

“I think being labeled as the underdog is kind of something that is great also for us, because clearly we have nothing to lose in this game,” she said.

The Wildcats (4-3, 1-1 American Lacrosse Conference) have given the Minutewomen (9-0) a rough time for years, winning the last 12 meetings between the two teams and winning the last nine by at least 10 goals.

“It’s definitely a program and team that has really set the bar very high the past decade and someone that has in the past years really challenged us and pushed us to get better,” UMass coach Angela McMahon said.

“I think our defense is really starting to peak at the right time.”

Angela McMahon, UMass coach Last year, UMass suffered a 16-4 loss in its season opener to Northwestern.

The Wildcats held a 16-6 advantage on draw controls, which led to a 33-12 shot advantage.

Alyssa Leonard, who led the team in last year’s matchup with nine draw controls, has returned this year and leads the team with 59 draw controls. As a team, Northwestern currently ranks seventh in the nation, averaging 15.57 draw controls per game, while the Minutewomen

rank 36th, averaging 12.44 draw controls per game.

Coming off a game where UMass suffered a 13-9 deficit on draws against Southern California, McMahon said the Minutewomen will have to work as a unit if they’re going to win the battle of the loose balls.

“I think it’s just everybody working together and not just relying on just one person to get the draw,” she said. “Every single person’s going to have to work really hard to get in front of their own players and giving us

an advantage.”

While the Wildcats don’t have the same perfect record that UMass does, they have won games against tough competition, like No. 16 Virginia and No. 8 Duke and their three losses have all come against ranked teams: No. 6 Notre Dame, No. 18 Ohio State and most recently No. 3 Syracuse.

McGovern said the team has to make sure they don’t let up at any point during the game, or else the result could very easily replicate last year’s loss.

“We know that it’s going to be a back and forth game; it’s going to be hard,” she said. “We know that we might get down by one goal, we might get down by more

and that we can’t focus on how much we might be down or up by and that we just have to keep going play by play.”

The Minutewomen’s defense has been playing very well of late, currently ranking fourth in the country in goals allowed per game (5.89) and sixth in caused turnovers per game (11.56).

“I think our defense is really starting to peak at the right time,” McMahon said.

The game is set to start under the McGuirk Stadium lights at 7 p.m. on Tuesday.

Jesse Mayfield-Sheehan can be reached at jmayfiel@umass.edu and can be followed on Twitter @jgms88.

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

DailyCollegian.com

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

News@DailyCollegian.com

Over 30 Marky Ramone speaks at UM Malaysian injured in flight ends Chicago in ocean Train jumped platform at O’Hare airport

Missing plane has no hope for survivors

By Peter Nickeas

By BarBara Demick aND DoN Lee

Chicago Tribune

CHICAGO — More than 30 people were injured Monday morning when a Chicago Transit Authority train jumped the platform and climbed up an escalator at the end of the Blue Line at O’Hare International Airport, officials said.

“I heard a boom and when I got off the train, the train was all the way up the escalator. It’s a wreck,” Denise Adams, who was riding toward the back of the train, told reporters. “It was a lot of panic because it was hard to get people off the train.”

Fire crews scrambled to determine if anyone was underneath the train but no one was found, according to Chicago Fire Commissioner Joe Santiago. All of the injured were aboard the train and were taken in fair or good condition to four hospitals, he said. The operator of the train “was walking and talking as we were investigating,” Santiago said.

The eight–car train was wedged near the top of an escalator used by commuters at the Blue Line terminal. CTA spokesman Brian Steele said workers may have to cut up the car and remove it piece by piece, which could take 12 to 24 hours. Then the damage will have to be assessed and repairs made before trains use the station, he said.

In the meantime, shuttle buses will be used between Rosemont, Ill., and O’Hare.

Steele said the cause of the accident remained under investigation.

“We don’t know yet what led to this incident ... We will be looking at everything – equipment, signals, the human factor, any extenuating circumstances,” he said.

Steele did say the train was “apparently traveling at a higher rate of speed than a train would be” while pulling into the station see

CHICAGO on page 7

Los Angeles Times

CADE BELISLE/COLLEGIAN

Marky Ramone, drummer of the Ramones, spoke at UMass Monday night.

Drummer speaks about life in music industry B y k ate L eDDy Collegian Staff

Johnny Cash, Led Zeppelin, The Clash: these are a few of the names that Marky Ramone, finds himself and his fellow band members among in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

On Monday night, Marky, the last living member of the 1980s punk rock band The Ramones, spoke at the University of Massachusetts to discuss the behind-the-scenes experiences, hardships and achievements that he and the band had throughout their years in the music industry and beyond.

Though there were some changes made throughout the years, the original group consisted of Marky on drums, bassist Dee Dee, guitarist Johnny and lead singer Joey. Each band member took a pseudonym ending with the surname “Ramone,” though none of the band members are actually related.

“My real name is Mark Bell,” Marky said.

Bell, who was born in Brooklyn in the 1950s, recalls his interest in the music industry beginning when he

saw The Beatles performing on TV at the age of eight.

“It really made a lasting impression on me,” said Bell. “I just looked at it and said ‘wow, this looks like something I’d like to do.’”

Bell’s dream started to become a reality when he and two friends from high school formed a band when they were 16. Though he said the band had limited success, Bell acknowledged that this early experience taught him about getting into the music industry.

It also let him to discovering CBGB, a club in New York City that allowed new punk rock bands to perform.

“At the time [in the 1970s], disco and stadium rock was big and nobody wanted punk bands in their clubs,” said Bell.

“This hole-in–the-wall club became a place where you could show off what you could do and engage people in your music.”

It was there that Bell was approached by Dee Dee Ramone and complimented on his performances at CBGB. Dee Dee then asked Bell if he would be interested in joining The Ramones, as they were in need of a drummer.

“They handed me a tape with 26 live songs and I had to learn them all in two weeks and be ready to be in the first Ramones

“It really made a lasting impression on me. I just looked at it and said ‘wow, this looks like something I’d like to do.”

Marky Ramone album I was in, ‘Road to Ruin,’” said Bell. “It took a lot of hard work, a lot of effort and a lot of believing I could do it and knowing I had to do it because I had made a promise to the band.”

In 1978, at the age of 22, Bell called it an absolute dream come true to be touring with The Ramones in places such as London, Denmark, Spain and Greece.

As the Ramones gained popularity, they caught the eye of the movie industry and were asked to be a part of a movie called “Rock and Roll High School.”

“I sat back and thought ‘okay, I just did an album, a tour and now I’m a movie all in one year,’” said Bell.

Soon after the movie the band worked with producer Phil Spector to produce their fifth and most successful album, End of the Century. see

RAMONES on page 6

BEIJING — A grim–faced Malaysian prime minister had an emergency late–night news conference Monday, saying that the longmissing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 “ended in the southern Indian Ocean” with no hope of survivors.

Najib Razak said his conclusion was based on new data from the British satellite company Inmarsat, identifying the last known location of the flight as southwest of Perth, Australia.

“This is a remote location far from any possible landing sites. It is therefore with deep sadness and regret that I must inform you, that according to this new data, Flight MH 370 ended in the southern Indian Ocean,” he said delivering his brief statement at the news conference in Kuala Lumpur.

Families of the passengers had been gathered together in Kuala Lumpur and in Beijing ahead of the news conference, and there were unconfirmed reports that families had been offered a charter flight to Australia.

In Beijing, paramedics rushed to the Lido Hotel to help family members who might be overcome with grief.

Until the end, some held out faint hope that the flight, which disappeared March 8 on its way from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing, might have been hijacked, with the passengers being held somewhere for ransom.

The hunt for the missing Malaysia Airlines flight had intensified Monday as search crews reported more sightings of possible debris in the south Indian Ocean, including two objects that could be retrieved soon by an Australian vessel.

Malaysia’s defense minister, Hishammuddin Hussein, said that a search aircraft had located two objects and that an Australian vessee

MALAYSIA on page 6

SGA addresses election UM volunteers travel to Ghana Several questions answered Monday

By BriaN BeviLacqua Collegian Staff

At Monday night’s meeting, the Student Government Association ratified this year’s election results, amended the Residential Hall Association Constitution to allow officials charged with a transgression to appeal and discussed issues relating student safety and support as they looked to the future.

This year’s SGA presidential elections were plagued with problems, as admitted

by Elections Commissioner Rocco Giordano. Giordano pointed to the fact that there were 13 formal complaints about campaigns to the Elections Commission and more than 50 informal complaints. The problems continued to the end of the election when the technically victorious DMC ticket was ruled invalid and the second place Vinayak Rao and Jacob Schissel ticket was declared the winner.

Before reviewing the election results, SGA Speaker Sïonan Barrett addressed the pros and cons of ratifying election results that have been contested after multiple tickets were removed from the

ballot for improper behavior.

Barrett made clear that vetoing the results would begin a new election as opposed to allowing for further proceedings.

Senators questioned Giordano and the results of the election report for almost an ehour before ratifying the election results in a 41-0 vote, with 3 abstentions. With this vote, the election cycle ends.

There is a pending appeal of the election results to the SGA Judiciary by Ellie Miske, Gabrielle Cooke and Emily Devenney, members of the invalidated DMC ticket.

If they had failed to ratify because of the controversy and concern, there would have been a new election.

Giordano explained that although the DMC ticket received the most votes in the election, there were five complaints against them while the winning Rao/Schissel ticket had none. There were also assurances from Giordano that the decision was not made with bias against any candidate or cause.

The fate of the DMC ticket will now be decided by a judiciary committee which will either uphold the results and affirm the Rao/Schissel ticket as winners, or will rule the SGA decision invalid and declare DMC the democratically elected victors.

SGA also approved changes to RHA rules allowing for a retroactive appeals process on behalf of former official Elysia Eastty, opening the door for her to reenter to her former position upon appeal.

Before the meeting was called to session, two officers from UMass Police Department led a presentation about how to handle an active shooter on campus.

The presentation compared the likelihood of a shooter on campus to getting struck by lightning, but nevertheless encouraged SGA to pass their safety message on to students. The officer’s presentation stressed a quick and calm reaction to the sound of gun shots by quickly evacuating or hiding, instead of panic.

Officer Mark Wellhan said a shooting incident on campus was “not a matter of if, but when.”

In regards to the aftermath of the “Blarney Blowout,” President Zac Broughton promised the senators Monday that the SGA would have the opportunity to speak to Ed Davis about the controversial police responses to student gatherings and his upcoming evaluation.

Patrick Hoff contributed to this report.

Brian Bevilacqua can be reached at bbevilac@umass.edu.

Program works with varying tasks By katheriNe GiLLiGaN Collegian Correspondent

Ghana ACT is a program founded by John Barber in 2010 that takes volunteers on a trip to Ghana, where they provide services to the communities in the area.

Barber started this program after he went to Ghana for the first time in 2009. The following summer, in 2010, he brought over his first volunteers, including Liam Lynch, who went on to become a co-founder and is now in charge of the volunteering aspect of the program.

The application process for the program is simple.

Nearly every applicant is all but guaranteed a spot in the program, unless there is an issue with accommodation. The majority of participants are college students, but the program is open to anyone who wishes to volunteer.

“That’s one thing we try and focus on, we don’t want to look for a particular type of person who will fit our program, we want people from all walks of life to take part,” said Lynch.

Most of the volunteers are from the University of Massachusetts, which is where the Ghana ACT is advertised most heavily.

There have also been volunteers from all over the United States and Canada who have gotten involved by applying through the website.

Participants are involved in several projects during their stay in Africa. Barber explained that partners of the Ghana ACT pick the projects, and Ghana ACT raises money and recruits volunteers. Their most recent project was building a $20,000 junior high school for the community.

“While we didn’t actually build the school, we provided the funds to build it,” Barber said. “We worked with the community to form the community development plan, which broke people up into different work teams who were then assigned one day a week to work.”

Education is another project that the Ghana ACT continuously works on. “Education is one thing that’s sustainable,” Barber said. “We don’t try and go in to create our projects that fall apart in a few years.”

Volunteers don’t need

“We don’t try and go in to create our projects that fall apart in a few years.”

John Barber, Ghana ACT

a degree in education or need to be working towards one in order to teach. As Lynch described it, “If a volunteer wants to teach, we figure out the ideal situation for them.” Volunteers who don’t feel comfortable teaching a certain subject can work at the kindergarten level alongside Ghanaian teachers.

The language barrier hasn’t proven to be much of an issue. About half of the population understands English well enough to have a limited conversation, and several handfuls of people speak very good English. Although the rest of the community speaks very little, if any, English, there are people in the community who are willing to translate for those who cannot understand.

Barber explained that learning the language is part of the experience. “We see

GHANA on page 7

6

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

THE RUNDOWN ON THIS DAY...

In 1979, the first fully functional space shuttle orbiter Columbia was delivered to the John F. Kennedy Space Center to be prepared for its first launch. Columbia blew up in 2003.

AROUND THE WORLD BEIJING — A grim-faced Malaysian prime minister had an emergency late-night news conference Monday, saying that the long-missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 “ended in the southern Indian Ocean” with no hope of survivors.

Najib Razak said his conclusion was based on new data from the British satellite company Inmarsat, identifying the last known location of the flight as southwest of Perth, Australia.

“This is a remote location far from any possible landing sites. It is therefore with deep sadness and regret that I must inform you, that according to this new data, Flight MH 370 ended in the southern Indian Ocean,” he said delivering his brief statement at the news conference in Kuala Lumpur.

Los Angeles Times CAIRO — In the first case of its kind under Egypt’s military-backed government, a criminal court on Monday simultaneously sentenced 529 supporters of ousted Islamist President Mohammed Morsi to death, the state news agency reported.

However, the capital verdict would have to be ratified by the Grand Mufti, Egypt’s top Islamic jurist. Most of the defendants were sentenced in absentia, with about 150 of them in custody, lawyers said.

The sentence was handed down by a court in Minya, 150 miles south of Cairo, after the men were convicted on charges including attacking a police station and killing a policeman.

Sixteen others tried in the case were acquitted, according to the official Middle East News Agency.

Los Angeles Times JOHANNESBURG — The murder trial of South African Olympian Oscar Pistorius on Monday heard more testimony that a terrified woman screamed the night that the athlete shot his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

The athlete’s defense team has argued that no one screamed the night of the shooting except for Pistorius. His defense advocate, Barry Roux, earlier suggested that Pistorius sounds like a woman when he screams.

Five witnesses, including Monday’s witness, Anette Stipp, have testified they heard a woman scream in the early hours of Feb. 14 last year when the athlete killed his girlfriend.

Los Angeles Times JERUSALEM — Israel’s Foreign Ministry in Jerusalem was closed Monday and Israeli embassies shuttered worldwide after the country’s diplomatic staff declared an indefinite strike, frustrating high-level travel plans and foreign policy protocol.

A general strike was announced Sunday after a seven-month mediation failed to resolve a protracted labor dispute called by more than 1,000 diplomatic employees seeking what they term long-overdue raises.

Los Angeles Times Distributed by MCT Information Services

Amherst Police occupied with animals this weekend Police log from March 21-March 23

By Marleigh Felsenstein Staff Writer

for her 17-year-old male friend, who was found on the sidewalk downtown.

He had a large bump on his head from falling and was believed to be intoxicated.

FRIDAY

9:17 p.m .: A suspicious 10:30 a.m.: Larceny at the male was seen loitering Main Street Apartments around vehicles in the on Main Street. No further Amity Street Lot on Amity Street. details.

12:09 p.m .: A golden SATURDAY retriever was seen darting in and out of traffic by 12:34 p.m.: A man called to Amethyst Farm on North complain that animal control was not on duty and East Street. there were loose dogs run1:45 p.m.: Yeshaq Warren ning around Summerhill of Leverett was arrested Business Forms on West for disorderly conduct and Pomeroy Lane. assault with a dangerous weapon after a fight near 2:37 p.m. : There was a disthe Amherst Survival turbance by the Hasbrouck Center on Sunderland Laboratory at UMass on Road. There were reports North Pleasant Street. A of threats and a knife was mother and her daughter were having an intense involved. verbal argument about the 4:05 p.m.: A large pig, pig- daughter’s ex-boyfriend. lets and a calf were loose in the roadway by Swallow 3:50 p.m. : Medical assisFarms on South East tance was needed for a Street. The owners prop- 69-year-old male who was erly secured them back on having difficulty breathing. He was assisted by the the farm.

Amherst Fire Department.

4:19 p.m.: A driver hit a woodchuck on Shays 4:51 p.m.: A brown and tan Street. The woodchuck dog was reported to be may have been rabid running in and out of trafbecause it was trying to fic on Meadow Street. bite him.

7:57 p.m. : Patrick Lynn 8:00 p.m .: Medical assis- of Merrimack, NH was tance was needed at arrested on Boltwood Ave. Village Park on East for his fourth OUI offense, Pleasant Street after a an open container of alcofemale requested help hol in his motor vehicle

GHANA

and operation of a motor vehicle to endanger/negligence. The vehicle was towed by Ernie’s Towing.

9:35 p.m. : A large bear was reported on Fearing Street.

9:42 p.m. : A black male wearing a green jacket with a laceration on his forehead was reported to be on the porch of Iota Gamma Upsilon on North Pleasant Street. He was heavily intoxicated and uncooperative, and was transported to the hospital.

SUNDAY

7:20 a.m .: Medical assistance was needed at Clark House on Lessey Street for a 67-year-old male that had difficulty breathing along with a severe asthma attack.

7:46 a.m.: A large cow was in the roadway on South East Street.

11:10 a.m .: A male was reported to be trying to open the doors of a car at a residence on Riverglade Drive.

At around 6 p.m., a wallet was stolen from the inside of an unlocked vehicle at the South Congregational Church on South East Street.

Marleigh Felsenstein can be reached at mfelsenstein@umass. edu.

continued from page 1

push volunteers to try and learn the language,” he said. “Engaging with them is crucial to understanding the country.”

Volunteers are allowed to stay for however long they want, but staying for at least three weeks is highly encouraged. Lynch explained, “It takes a person a few days to acclimate to their new surrounding, and a week or so to begin to create relationships with the people and students we work with.”

“Every volunteer that comes, recognizes what they are getting out of the experience,” added Barber. “We focus on immersion in the program. We want to try and

MALAYSIA sel, the Success, was in the vicinity.

“It is possible that the objects could be received within the next few hours, or by tomorrow morning at the latest,” he said during a Monday evening news conference. Hishammuddin said that only a few minutes ago Australia’s prime minister had informed the prime minister of Malaysia about the development.

If retrieved, the two objects – one described as circular colored gray or green, and the other rectangular and orange –would be the first to be found in this remote section of the Indian Ocean about 1,500 miles off the coast of southwest Australia since searchers began focusing on this area Thursday. And they could provide the first physical evidence of the plane that vanished March 8, with 239 passengers and crew on board.

In recent days there has been a growing number of satellite and aircraft sightings of objects in this area

get volunteers to understand and live with the Ghanaian people.”

The typical day of a volunteer begins at six or seven in the morning.

They work in the school, doing what they can to contribute to the school day. Once school is out, volunteers are allowed to do whatever they wish.

“There is so much to do on any given day, whether it be walking through the market, playing soccer with a local team, or helping make dinner with your host family,” Lynch said. On weekends, volunteers go on excursions throughout the country, visiting prominent landmarks and national parks.

continued from page 1

that could be wreckage from the missing jetliner.

On Monday, with Chinese and Japanese joining an Australian–led team of American and New Zealand planes, 10 military and commercial aircraft in all combed an area of about 20,000 square nautical miles in the south Indian Ocean looking for traces of Flight 370.

Earlier in the day, one of the two Chinese Ilyushin IL–76 aircraft involved in the search reported seeing “two big floating objects with many white smaller ones scattered within a radius of several kilometers,” according to the official New China News Agency.

After the sighting was reported, the U.S. Navy P–8 Poseidon plane sought to relocate the objects but was unable to do so, said the Australian Maritime Safety Authority. A Chinese vessel was steaming toward the area to investigate and was expected to arrive in the area by Tuesday morning, the news agency said.

The Ghanaian community has reacted well to the volunteers. Barber believes this is because his team has never gone anywhere and declared what the Ghanaians need or don’t need. “We ask, ‘What do you need and we’ll see if we can help you.’ We are always geared towards their needs.”

“Ghana has come a long way in the last 40-50 years,” said Barber.

Interested volunteers can look for more information on the Ghana ACT website, GhanaAct.org.

Katherine Gilligan can be reached at kgilligan@umass.edu.

DailyCollegian.com

RAMONES Bell described that process as tedious and detailed.

“Phil wanted things done slowly and properly and we were a bit of a hyper band,” said Bell, adding that each member was able to work hard in the end, though there were tough days.

“When you’re in a band for many years, they really do become your brothers,” said Bell. “It’s a business and there was verbal assault and times we didn’t get along but it worked out in the end.”

The especially difficult moments that Bell was referring to were the band’s struggle with drug abuse, a problem that primarily affected Marky and Dee Dee. “Dee Dee was into drugs.

I could tell when he had come from the hospital because he would come to the studio with the bracelet on,” said Bell. “I was never into hard drugs, but I liked to drink wine and beer a lot.”

Marky’s alcohol addiction ultimately got him kicked out of the band in 1983, and his continuing abuse led him to check himself into rehab.

“I understood why they kicked me out and it was a good thing,” said Bell.

“I could have hurt somebody and I could have hurt myself.”

Marky returned to the band a year and a half later when he received a call that The Ramones was in need of a drummer once again.

Over his years with The Ramones, Bell said he had played a total of about 1,700 live shows and was on nine studio albums. He retired from The Ramones in 1996.

continued from page 5

“I am proud of these awards because it’s achieving something after a lot of work and a lot of disappointment, but we got our due.”

Marky Ramone Bell continues to perform today with other current punk bands, such as Green Day, and his group Marky Ramone’s Blitzkrieg, named after the popular Ramone’s song “Blitzkrieg Bop.” Bell said he has enjoyed speaking with fans and other bands and continuing endorsements with other companies, which he had agreed to on the grounds that he could design the products and the profits would go to a charity of his choice. These products include his own homemade pasta sauce.

Joey Ramone died in 2001, followed by Dee Dee in 2002 and Johnny in 2004.

Since then, The Ramones have received numerous awards such as the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys in 2011.

“I am proud of these awards because it’s achieving something after a lot of work and a lot of disappointment, but we got our due,” said Bell “If they [the other band members] could see this, I’m sure they’d be very impressed.”

Kate Leddy can be reached at kleddy@umass.edu.

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

DailyCollegian.com

Pistorius trial: Steenkamp sent text messages expressing her fears Model and lawyer’s messages found

By RoByn Dixon Los Angeles Times

JOHANNESBURG— Model and lawyer Reeva Steenkamp sent a cellphone message to her boyfriend, South African Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius, weeks before he fatally shot her saying that his behavior sometimes scared her.

Steenkamp’s direct words were heard in Pretoria’s high court for the first time Monday as police cellphone expert Francois Moller read out iPhone messages and chats between the couple that the policeman extracted from their phones. He said 90 percent of the messages were loving. But she sounded deeply unhappy in others that he read out.

“I’m scared of you sometimes of how you snap at me and how you will act to me,” she wrote to Pistorius on Jan. 27, 2013.

The picture Steenkamp painted in some messages to him was of a possessive, jealous man who threw tantrums, criticized her in public and accused her of flirting with other men. She began dating him in November 2012.

Pistorius shot her dead through the door of the toilet, off his bathroom, in the early hours of Valentine’s Day last year. He has pleaded not guilty to murder, claiming he mistook her for a burglar when he fired four expanding bullets through the door.

At times, she said in the

cellphone message, his manner toward her was “nasty.”

She said in the Jan. 27 message that she had fallen in love with him and had been planning to tell him that weekend.

“I do everything to make you happy and to not say anything to rock the boat with you. You do everything to throw tantrums in front of people,” she wrote.

She detailed him picking on her “incessantly” and snapping at her. He could be “cold and offish.”

“I get snapped at and told my accent and voices are annoying. I touch your neck to show you I care. You tell me to stop. Stop chewing gum, do this, don’t do that,” she said in the message.

Her Jan. 27 message also told him he ruined an evening out to celebrate her best friend’s engagement when he accused her of “hitting on” the husband of one of her friends, “and I’m sorry that you think that little of me.”

“I wasn’t flirting with anyone today. I just feel sick that u suggested that and made that scene at the table and made us leave early.”

The message said she wanted to make him happy but at times she despaired of it.

“I just want to love and be loved. Be happy and make someone SO happy. Maybe we can’t do that for each other. Cos right now I know u aren’t happy and I am certainly very unhappy and sad,” she wrote.

“I can’t be attacked for dating you and attacked by you,” she said in another message on Feb. 8, less than a week before the shooting.

“I’m scared of you sometimes of how you snap at me and how you will act to me.”

Reeva Steenkamp’s text messages to Oscar Pistorius She added that he was “the one person who I deserve protection from.”

Replying to her Jan. 27 message, Pistorius wrote saying he wanted to talk to her and “sort this out,” admitting that being tired and sick wasn’t an excuse.

“I’m sorry for the things I say without thinking and for taking offence to some of your actions.

“I was just upset that you just left me after we got food to go talk to a guy and I was standing tight behind you watching you touch his arm and ignore me,” he said.

“And when I spoke up you introduced me which you could have done but when I left you just kept on chatting to him when I was clearly upset.”

He said he had a headache and admitted he should have spoken softly to her when she tapped his neck to try to make him feel better.

They also differed over an admission that she smoked marijuana more than once.

At one point she had to reassure him, “I wasn’t a stripper or a ho,” adding that she had not been a prude but had previously enjoyed innocent fun with no harmful repercussions.

The evidence follows previous testimony from Pistorius’ former girlfriend, Samantha Taylor, who said he often shouted at her and her friends.

Another message extracted from Pistorius’ cell Jan.

11, 2013, appeared to support the prosecution case that Pistorius asked a friend, Darren Fresco, to lie and take the rap after the athlete fired a gun under a table in a crowded restaurant.

“Angel please don’t say anything to anyone,” Pistorius wrote to Steenkamp, according to Moller. “Darren told everyone it was his fault. I can’t afford for that to come out,” he said. “The guys promised not to say a thing.”

Pistorius has pleaded not guilty to recklessly discharging a firearm in the restaurant and also pleaded not guilty to firing his pistol into the air from a speeding car.

Two witnesses testified he did fire out of the car.

Earlier Monday, a neighbor, Anette Stipp, told the court she heard a woman screaming in the early hours of Feb. 14, 2013. She was the fifth neighbor to testify about hearing a woman’s screams that night.

Pistorius’ defense team maintains that only he screamed that night. Defense attorney Barry Roux earlier suggested that Pistorius sounds like a woman when he screams.

“It was moments after the shots I heard a lady screaming, terrified, terrified screaming,” Stipp, an occupational therapist, testified.

“The screaming just continued. It did not stop.”

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

CHICAGO

7

continued from page 5

and officials are trying to determine why. He said the National Transportation Safety Board was also investigating.

The accident happened around 2:50 a.m. “There is a stop down there for each track. There’s three tracks there. The train actually climbed over the last stop, jumped up the sidewalk and went up the escalator,” Santiago said.

More than 50 firefighters and paramedics responded, he said. “We did not know if there was anyone underneath the train ... so we brought in our specialized units to check underneath there ... They made a visual to make sure no one was underneath.”

Six people were listed in fair-to-serious condition and 26 in good-to-fair condition, fire officials on the scene said.

Nine were transported to Resurrection Hospital, eight each went to Our Lady of the Resurrection Medical Center and Swedish Covenant Hospital, and seven went to Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge. All of the injured were passengers on the train, officials said.

Robert Kelly, president of Amalgamated Transit Union Local 308, which represents more than 3,500 CTA workers, said the operator suffered minor injuries to her leg.

The operator will undergo drug and alcohol tests as part of standard procedure, Steele said.

Initial inspections indicate that the front two cars of the train were damaged as well as the escalator, officials said.

“Once we remove the train, we’ll have a much clearer picture of what the issues are there,” said Chris Bushell, chief infrastructure

“I heard a boom and when I got off the train, the train was all the way up the escalator. It’s a wreck.”

Denise Adams, train passenger officer for the CTA. “At this moment, it looks like we have significant damage to one escalator.”

While there was some structural damage to the platform as well, “the stairs look solid and the majority of the rest of the structure underneath looks solid.”

Steele said the accident occurred during one of the lowest traffic times at the station.

While trains were stopped at O’Hare, they were running between the Logan Square and Rosemont stops. Steele said the agency is using large, reticulated buses between Rosemont and O’Hare and they would operate on a loadand-go basis instead of on a schedule. Once they are full, they’ll leave. He estimated the accident is adding 5 to 10 minutes to a trip to O’Hare.

Downstairs at the station, an annoyed customer approached crime scene tape and said he had a flight to catch.

An officer paused before speaking, with a slight smirk and dry delivery: “Well, a train derailed. It doesn’t happen every day, sir.”

The train tracker above the station still showed an outbound train was due in two minutes.

Opinion Editorial THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.” -Gloria Steinem

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Editorial@DailyCollegiancom

End the Helen Keller jokes In support of gay marriage All it takes nowadays to send a group of young people into hysterics is the mention of Helen Keller. In popular

Elise Martorano games such as Apples to Apples, her name is often a win-all card. The band 3OH!3 ridiculed and sexualized her image with their song “Don’t Trust Me,” released in 2008, which featured the lines, “Shush girl, shut your lips / Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.” And the first suggestion that comes up when you type “Helen Keller” into a Google search is “Helen Keller jokes.”

The unspoken excuses for making fun of Helen Keller, the infamous face of disability, reveal disgusting amounts of ableism, which allows people to overlook Keller’s accomplishments not just as a person who lived with blindness and deafness, but as a person who achieved more in her lifetime than many of us ever will.

Able-bodied people’s ability to ridicule those who have physical and mental disabilities stems from a place of enormous and overwhelming privilege. Helen Keller has been pigeonholed as a punchline, seemingly needless of any explanation. Ask anybody who guffaws at the mention of her name why they truly think she is funny and that person will probably turn red and find themselves at a total loss for words.

Helen Keller is a joke because she just so happened to contract an illness very early in her life that left her incapable of seeing and hearing and severely limited her initial ability to speak.

Because she was debilitated by circumstances beyond her (or anyone’s) control, she is ridiculed now. This is because she is somehow categorized as a person with lesser intelligence or social conscience, with lesser humanity.

Those who find Keller hilarious would do well to consider what exactly it is that they are making fun of.

At the age of seven, Keller began learning how to communicate by tapping her fin-

gers on the palm of a person’s hand with the help of longtime teacher Anne Sullivan.

At the age of 10, she began speech classes and spent 25 years learning how to articulate comprehensible speech.

At the age of 16, she began attending the Cambridge School for Young Ladies, a school that was not designed for students with disabilities. She went on to attend Radcliffe College; her education there was funded by a friend of Mark Twain.

At the age of 21, Keller wrote her first book and at 24 graduated cum laude from Radcliffe. Throughout her college career, she lectured around the country to spread awareness and garner support for people with disabilities. In addition, she also advocated for such causes as suffrage, pacifism and birth control.

Following graduation, Keller joined the Socialist Party, for which she was an outspoken advocate for several years. In support of her multiple causes, she wrote numerous articles, conducted interviews and even sent several letters to Presidents Herbert Hoover and Harry Truman. Throughout her life, her writing and transcripts of speeches and interviews reveal an overwhelmingly intelligent and well-spoken voice, as well as extremely quick wit and gentle sarcasm.

In 1915, she founded Helen Keller International, whose mission is to “save the sight and lives of the most vulnerable and disadvantaged.” In 1920 she assisted in founding the American Civil Liberties Union and in 1924 became an active member of the American Federation for the Blind, travelling the country to raise money and awareness for the cause.

In 1946, Keller became the counselor of international relations for the American Foundation of Overseas Blind and within the following 11 years travelled to 35 countries spread across five continents. Throughout the course of her life, Keller was presented with many national and international awards, not due to her abil-

ity to “overcome” disability, but because of her incredible humanitarian work.

Those who would mock Keller because of her disability choose to willfully ignore several things that are vital in understanding this historic woman and of the operations of socially constructed hierarchies in general. First, disability is not a condition that must be overcome, or one that solidifies a disabled person’s identity as being less actualized or less important than someone who is able-bodied (or able-minded). Second, reducing Helen Keller’s identity to simply being a woman who was deaf and blind indicates that one’s disabilities define who they are and what they can achieve, which is supposedly less than what those without disabilities are capable of. Third, the achievements made by Helen Keller were not deliberately brought about by her disability and her disability did not imbue her with an overwhelming compassion for human life and a motivated desire to improve those lives that have been disadvantaged by a lack of privilege.

Reducing Helen Keller to a punchline erases in the minds of able-bodied people the potential that disabled people have. This allows those people to neglect to acknowledge that Helen Keller’s accomplishments are more meaningful and significant than the majority of able-bodied people will ever be capable of and reduces people like Helen Keller to a subordinate position simply because of their disabilities. Ignoring the superficial hierarchies created by able-bodied and able-minded people to subordinate the disabled allows the self-made privileges that are born out of them to remain firmly in place. This reinforces a disturbingly cruel close-mindedness that allows oppression to be perpetuated through such things as Helen Keller jokes.

Elise Martorano is a Collegian columnist and can be reached at emartora@umass. edu.

In the United States, the controversy over same-sex marriage seems to be never-ending. Within the past month, monumental chang-

Steven Gillard

es have occurred throughout the United States in its support. On Feb. 26, a federal judge in Texas ruled the state’s ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. On Feb. 27, same-sex marriages were legally recognized in Kentucky, although samesex marriages themselves remain illegal. On March 7, a trial in Michigan that sought to end the ban on same-sex marriage concluded, and a decision is expected within the next two weeks.

Growing up in Massachusetts – the first state and sixth jurisdiction in the world to legalize gay marriage – I often forget that I live in one of only seventeen states to recognize it as such. It is hard to believe that in other parts of the United States, gay people are still not treated as equal and are often the victims of violent crime.

I could argue for the legalization of gay marriage. I could explain how gay parents are no less capable of raising children than their straight counterparts. I could contest that the traditional view of marriage as a loving union between a man and a woman is a narrow, contemporary definition, one that has changed throughout history and will continue to change. I could explain how the belief that gay marriage represents a biological inconsistency and prevents procreation represents a grim, pathetic view of life itself.

But I won’t, because I don’t have to. All I have to say is two words: human rights.

The aphorism “all men are created equal” is one commonly invoked when speaking about human rights, a “self-evident” truth penned

by Thomas Jefferson during the birth of our nation. As

young students of American history, we take pride in such an axiom, as it asserts the “unalienable rights” all men have to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

Only when we grow older do we learn that Jefferson was only speaking of white male property owners and that the United States was built upon the backs of black slaves who were considered less than human.

Slavery, which was abolished by the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865, remains firmly in the past for many Americans, an evil at which we shake our heads but for which we claim no responsibility. More than a century later, the prospect of using another man as property because of the color of his skin is considered preposterous, and rightfully so.

Similarly, the abuses suffered by blacks in the mid-

We now ascribe the phrase “all men are created equal,” to all men and women, regardless of race, sexual orientation or religion and look past the limited, prejudiced perspective the statement once embodied. If the United States is truly the “land of the free,” it must acknowledge all peoples, regardless of sexual orientation, as equal under the law.

All of the arguments for and against same-sex marriage boil down to the same point of contention: a person’s unsound belief that he or she, for whatever reason, can rightfully dictate the life of another to fit their own moral or religious code.

If you are against gay and lesbian relationships and find them repulsive or unholy or a violation of natural law, then you are entitled to that opinion. However, you are not entitled to tell a man or woman whom he or she can or cannot wed. You are not entitled to tell people they can or cannot pursue their happiness because you find the manner in which they do it incongruous with your own beliefs. One person’s happiness is no more or less valid than another’s, regardless of the way he or she chooses to acquire it.

As a lifelong citizen of Massachusetts, a state in which gay marriage has been legal for a decade, I am certain that in 10 or 20 or 30 years from now, when samesex marriage is nationally legalized, those who protested loudly against it will look as ridiculous as those who protested against the Little Rock Nine as they walked through the doors of an allwhite high school in 1957.

History repeats itself and those who have erred on the side of prejudice and discrimination have been proven foolish, time and time and time again.

You are not entitled to tell people they can or cannot pursue their happiness because you find the manner in which they do it incongruous with your own beliefs.

twentieth century at the hands of segregation are also condemned as inhumane and misguided. Most of my generation views these times of racial inequality with a sense of incredulity: isn’t it obvious that all men are equal, regardless of their skin color?

Fast-forward to today and the battle against inequality is still raging; only this time, same-sex marriage is at its forefront. While the absurdity of racial discrimination is now widely acknowledged, many Americans today still voice their opposition to the marriage of gay couples.

To denounce slavery and segregation as inhumane and then claim that same-sex couples should not be allowed to marry is the epitome of hypocrisy.

It is the same hypocrisy we shamefully recognize when we compare the ideals professed in the Declaration of Steven Gillard is a Collegian columIndependence to the reality nist and can be reached at sgillard@ of early America. umass.edu.

High schools should provide students with contraceptives Statistical data shows that teen pregnancy rates have dropped a great deal throughout the past

Alyssa DiSabito two decades. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services explains that this decline can be attributed to increased contraceptive use as well as a growing number of teens waiting to become sexually active. However, despite its declining frequency, teenage pregnancy is still very common. This raises the question of whether or not high schools are doing enough to provide teenagers with adequate knowledge of sex and contraception.

The fact of the matter is that teenagers are going to have sex if they wish to do so, regardless of whether or not they have been properly educated on the sub-

ject. What should be addressed is whether or not high schools should be supplying their students with contraception.

Most teenagers are aware that having sex can result in sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. Although most teenagers are aware of the consequences of having unprotected sex, some will choose to proceed without protection anyway. In many cases, the decision to have sex without protection is due to carelessness. However, there are instances in which teenagers want to use protection but are unable to get it. Teenagers generally do not want to talk to their parents about their sex lives and in most cases will not consider asking them for help in obtaining contraceptives. Another reason teens have trouble obtaining contraception is that they are too

afraid to purchase it in public. As Kristen Sauerwein writes for the Los Angeles Times, “embarrassment, nervousness and fear deter an estimated one out of four sexually active teens from using an effective birth control method.”

Taking both of these setbacks into consideration, it seems that the only other logical place for teens to obtain contraception would be through their high school. However, there are plenty of schools that are against the idea of providing condoms and birth control out of fear that it will promote sexual activity.

There are parents and school administrators at every high school that would rather teenagers remain abstinent than partake in sexual intercourse.

However, a study conducted by the University of Georgia found that public schools that choose

to promote abstinence-only sex education are actually succeeding in doing just the opposite, leading to much higher teen pregnancy rates in those areas.

Just as children of overprotective parents tend to rebel and act out as they grow older, teenagers who are repeatedly told to abstain from sexual intercourse are more likely to partake in it.

Parents and schools who have chosen to preach abstinence to teenagers have not properly educated them on the various forms of contraception. This is one reason why those teenagers either do not know how to use protection or are unsure of where they can obtain it once they decide they want to have sex.

High schools should provide contraception to their students because doing so will give teenagers the option to have sex – some-

thing they will do anyway – while being able to protect themselves.

They will not have to worry about having enough money to purchase the protection, nor will they have to worry about being seen out in public or have to discuss their decision with their parents if they feel uncomfortable. School-provided protection could also help parents by reassuring them that their children will always have access to protection and that the risk of their child becoming pregnant or contracting an STI has been greatly reduced. If high schools started to provide students with contraception, the number of teen pregnancies would be greatly reduced and students would feel better about their decision to have sex Alyssa DiSabito is a Collegian columnist and can be reached at ajdisabi@umass.edu.

t h e m a s s a c h u s e t t s D a i ly C o l l e g i a n BUSINESS

NEWS

News Editor - Patrick Hoff News Producer - Conor Snell

NEWS ASSISTANTS Katrina Borofski Catherine Ferris Kate Leddy Aviva Luttrell

GRAPHICS

EDITOR IN CHIEF - Stephen Hewitt MANAGING EDITOR - Malea Ritz MANAGING EDITOR/DAILYCOLLEGIAN.COM - Maria Uminski

Business Manager - Omer Sander Advertising Manager - Andrew Carr Distribution Manager - Henry Liu Advertising Production - Molly Couto

Production Manager - Gabe Scarbrough Special Issues Manager - James Desjardin

PRODUCTION CREW on staff for this issue NIGHT EDITOR - Malea Ritz COPY EDITOR - Hannah Sparks

OPINION & EDITORIAL

ARTS & LIVING

SPORTS

PHOTOGRAPHY

COMICS

Op/Ed Editor - Hannah Sparks Op/Ed Producer - Zac Bears

Arts Editor - Tommy Verdone Arts Producer - Shaina Mishkin

Sports Editor - Nick Canelas Sports Producer - Jesse Mayfield

Photo Editor - Justin Surgent

Comics Editor - Tracy Krug

O p /E d ASSISTANTS

ARTS ASSISTANTS

SPORTS ASSISTANTS

PHOTO ASSISTANTS

GRAPHICS ASSISTANTS

Jillian Correira Maral Margossian Brandon Sides

Emily Brightman Jackson Maxwell Jake Reed Cory Willey

Mark Chiarelli Cameron McDonough Patrick Strohecker

Cade Belisle Shaina Mishkin Robert Rigo

Randy Crandon Taylor Smaldone

The Massachusetts Daily Collegian is published Monday through Thursday during the University of Massachusetts calendar semester. The Collegian is independently funded, operating on advertising revenue. Founded in 1890, the paper began as Aggie Life, became the College Signal in 1901, the Weekly Collegian in 1914 and the Tri–Weekly Collegian in 1956. Published daily from 1967 to 2013, The Collegian has been broadsheet since January 1994. For advertising rates and information, call 413-545-3500.

WEB PRODUCTION MANAGER - Conor Snell NEWS DESK EDITOR - Catherine Ferris O p /E d DESK EDITOR - Jillian Correira ARTS DESK EDITOR - Jake Reed SPORTS DESK EDITOR - Nick Canelas COMICS DESK EDITOR - Tracy Krug

GRAPHICS DESK EDITOR - Graphics Staff

Arts Living THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

“Follow your passion. Be yourself, but check yourself before you wreck yourself.” - Andy Cohen

Arts@DailyCollegian.com

STUDENT LIFE

Themes to make your party prosper Spice things up a bit with these ideas By adria KeLLy-SuLLenger Collegian Staff

Sometimes it’s hard to look forward to weekends filled with the same old activities. Whether it’s a frat party or a get together at a friend’s house, doing the same thing every weekend can make a semester get stale fast. There are exceptions, like the Blarney Blowout, of course, but for the average spring weekend, here are a few ideas to spruce up your next party.

One of the most common but still entertaining party themes is “around the world.” This kind of theme can be incredibly fun if everyone participates: guests should dress either as either tourists or a culture they would like to represent. Costumes aren’t necessary for this party to be a hit though, if your friends aren’t into dressing up. Instead, outfit

every room in the house with a different drink and theme from around the world, like a world tour.

Cinco de Mayo and margaritas can represent Mexico in one room, while Caribou Lous (made with rum, coconut rum and pineapple juice), and a luau can create Hawaii right next door.

You can even add a patriotic room with some classic American lager (like Bud Light) and plenty of red, white and blue. This theme lets the hosts be creative and represent the cultures of their own choosing, meaning that no two around the world parties will be the same.

If you want to give your festivities a classy twist, go with a Monte Carlo theme. Bust out the cards, suits and champagne – this party will bring you right into a Las Vegas experience, only classier. For this party to work, dressing up is required. That means suits and ties for the guys, dresses and heels for the girls. This should be strictly enforced: the more

people who are into it, the more fun it becomes. Set up different card games around the house for the guests to try their hands at.

If you’re feeling ambitious, there are a few ways to step this theme up a notch.

One idea is to include a few tables where people (18 or older) can place real bets to add some excitement to the games, and another is to have a few friends dress like Vegas bartenders and walk around the party serving your guests martinis and champagne.

For non-drinkers, a clothing exchange is a great get-together idea.

Have your most fashionable friends raid their closets for pieces they don’t wear anymore and want to get rid of. Then, have all of these people can bring their selections to your house and swap items.

There are a few variations on this idea, depending on the host’s preference.

One way to swap items is on a piece by piece basis, meaning that guests try other guests’ clothes on

STUDENT LIFE

ROSS CATROW/COLLEGIAN

The patriotic room at your “around the world” party shouldn’t require too much thought to cater. and then barter with their own items. For a more relaxed environment, just have everyone throw their pieces on a bed or couch and provide an area for clothes to be tried on. That

way, you might end up with some extra items to hold onto at the end.

These are just a few ideas to help liven up your weekend, and the good news is there are plenty more.

Don’t settle on another regular party next weekend; surprise your friends with a dash of creativity and it will certainly pay off.

Adria Kelly-Sullenger can be reached at akellysu@umass.edu.

FA S H I O N

Stars align for another high Study confirms teens just as stressed as adults fashion Awards Season APA finds same stress habits in both By nicoLe ViLLaLpando

Austin-American Statesman

Last month, the American Psychological Association announced the results of a study on stress in America. They asked the question: Are teens adopting the stress habits of adults?

Teens actually reported that their stress level was higher than adults, 5.8 for teens versus 5.1 for adults on a 10-point schedule.

About a third also said they felt overwhelmed or sad or depressed because of stress. A third said they felt tired, and a fourth said they sometimes skip meals because of stress. Only 16 percent said they felt their stress level was on the decline compared with last year.

So, why are our teens just as stressed out as we are? Well, it’s kind of our fault. Parents are modeling our own stress, and we aren’t showing our teens how to manage it.

“Kids learn from their parents, how their parents deal with stress,” says Dr. Bradley Berg, medical director of pediatrics at Scott & White HospitalRound Rock. “If parents don’t handle stress well, kids don’t handle it, either.”

Dr. Caron Farrell, a pediatrician and pediatric psychiatrist at the Seton Mind Institute, sees the same thing. “They are not seeing how to regulate stress,” she says. “They are feeling stress oozing from their parents.”

Farrell suggests kids, and probably their parents, explore some relaxation techniques like meditation. It will serve them later in life if they learn how to relax now.

Parents and kids can do things together like sched-

ule in homework breaks, schedule physical activity such as a walk around the block, eat a healthy snack right after school and schedule in downtime that is not related at all to school or after-school activities.

One of the things Farrell sees kids experiencing is this lack of downtime, even when they are at home. Social media has created a situation where kids are always “on.” They are always having to navigate how to fit in with their peers and they no longer get a break from that. They also are not socializing away from home, away from school, with face-to-face, fun interactions.

Both doctors are seeing the level of stress amping up starting in the middle school years, though some kids are experiencing it much earlier. Middle school is when the peer pressure increases and the level of school and outside activities increase.

“Kids are pushed to excel,” Berg says. “There’s so much coming at them in every direction. …

Everything is more complicated. They are almost leading adult lives.”

Hormones also play into how kids handle the stress.

“Teen problems seem trivial to adults, but they are very important to them,” Farrell says. “They are trying to figure out: What am I going to be?”

Teens also are chronically sleep deprived. This is the time when they need 10 hours of sleep and their bodies are physically wired to stay up late and sleep in, yet we make them get up early for school. It’s very typical for teens to sleep the weekend away to try to make up for a lack of sleep during the week.

Parents need to help kids manage their schedules and be more realistic about expectations.

The message we should be sending, says Farrell, is that no one is perfect and kids should try to do their best, not someone else’s best.

Some kids might handle four extracurricular activities and school fine, but many will not, and that should be monitored. It’s OK not to do everything.

Parents should be looking for warning signs such as changes in sleep and eating patterns, emotional reactivity, statements about feeling overwhelmed or depressed, being withdrawn, grades slipping, lack of motivation, stomachaches and headaches.

These signs also could mean that there is something physically wrong, so Berg suggests starting with the pediatrician to rule out those causes and then seeking help from a psychologist or psychiatrist. The warning signs also could be indicative of drug use. “They are trying to find escape,” Farrell says of these stressed-out kids with little downtime.

When you see that your child is one of these stressed-out kids, you might want to make radical changes to their daily structure, but this is also the age that kids push back. Farrell recommends making gradual changes and modeling good behavior, like taking a walk yourself or putting down your own cellphone at night or during dinner.

And for kids who feel like school homework is overwhelming, tackle the little things first, rather than the big project. The brain, Berg says, tends to work in numbers, not levels, so if you can cross five little things off the list, the stress level will go down more than if you finish one big project.

Stress is “part of growing up now, but it doesn’t have to be,” Berg says.

Music and film celebs alike stun

By Brittaney Lynch Collegian Correspondent Once again, this awards season brought us lots of memorable styles from our favorite stars. Fashion mavens who grace the red carpet every year continued to please, while stars new to the scene have rightfully earned their spots on the Best-Dressed list. Here’s our thanks to the fashion designers who keep these celebrities looking great, keep our favorite trends alive and provide us with the new ones to chase each season.

This year, solid colors were popular among dress choices.

Sandra Bullock and Lupita Nyong’o rocked blue hues in their most memorable looks from the Oscars and Screen Actors Guild Awards, respectively. When it comes to Nyong’o, there’s certainly a reason why everyone is calling the “12 Years A Slave” star Hollywood’s new “It Girl.” Her red carpet style and first Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress say it all.

Model Chrissy Teigen rang spring in early with a floral high-low Monique Lhuillier gown at the Oscars and dazzled in a fitted Johanna Johnson gown at the Grammys, matching the ceremony’s goldplated gramophone trophy.

Mrs. John Legend consistently impressed as she stole the spotlight at the premier events celebrating both music and film America’s sweetheart Julia Roberts took the peplum trend to a whole new level in a gorgeous black Givenchy gown at the Oscars, complete with lace trim around the neckline. Jennifer Lawrence rocked a peplum at the Oscars as well, proving that this trend isn’t just a onehit wonder of 2013.

For Lawrence, the current face of fashion line Christian Dior, the awards season is a showcase of some

of the label’s best looks. At January’s SAG Awards, she wore a form fitting black dress that sparkled like a disco ball, while she wowed in a white tiered dress at the Golden Globes.

Backless dresses were also a favorite among celebs this year. At the Grammys, Beyoncé’s flawless Michael Costello dress looked as if the designer himself had airbrushed the intricate floral lace design onto her body. The unforgettable dress, which left little to the imagination, stole the show at the ceremony.

Like Teigen, Maria Menounos opted for a beautiful Johanna Johnson creation as well. Her backless white Oscars dress flowed perfectly into a train, creating a Greek goddess look.

As always, black dresses remain a formal go-to – but this year, they almost always came with statement jewelry pieces. Emma Roberts and Sofia Vergara had the same idea at this year’s Globes, pairing simple black numbers with turquoise accessories.

Although both dresses are extravagant on their own, the

burst of color vamps up the simplicity of the black and adds to the eye-catching factor of each look.

On the more vibrant end of the spectrum, Taylor Swift and Giuliana Rancic both wore eye-catching red at the Globes. With its black bodice, Swift’s red dress is just one example of color blocking seen this season. Amy Adams and Sandra Bullock wore dresses in this style as well, with Bullock’s pink, black and blue garb landing her among the best-dressed at the ceremony.

When all is said and done, these celebrities’ styles aren’t actually all that different from those of us college girls – besides, of course, the price tag. We love a nice classy black dress on the weekend, or perhaps a peplum skirt with a statement necklace, all of which can be found at a local Forever 21 or Charlotte Russe. So watch out Hollywood – with a quick trip to the mall, we too can be ready for the red carpet.

Brittaney Lynch can be reached at bblynch@umass.edu.

10

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

THE MASSACHUSETTS DAILY COLLEGIAN

Comics

DailyCollegian.com

WE WANT YOUR COMICS! Put your comics in front of thousands of readers.

Questions? Comments? Email us: comics@dailycollegian.com

Imagine, a dumpling fried filled with ham and cheese. It can be real.

BIG BLACK BOX

D inosaur C omiCs

B y r yan n orth

CLASSIFIEDS

P oorly D rawn l ines

Brandywine Apts. Now Leasing, 1&2 bedroom apts. Leases begin Jun, July, Aug or Sep. First come, first serve. Get them while they last. www.brandywine-apts. com stop by or call 5490600

B y r eza F arazmanD

THINKING ABOUT A LAW-RELATED CAREER? FALL 2014 INTERNSHIP AT STUDENT LEGAL SERVICES OFFICE. EARN 12 CREDITS WHILE WORKING 32 HOURS PER WEEK. APPLICATIONS AVAILABLE NOW ONLINE. DEADLINE APRIL 1ST. 413-545-1995, WWW.UMASS.EDU/ RSO/SLSO.

aquarius

HOROSCOPES Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Time to catch up on all that homework you were thinking of doing while you slept all day during break.

pisces

Feb. 19 - Mar. 20

I bid you this warning: it’s not long before numerals will appear in ink in names on birth certificates.

leo

Jul. 23 - aug. 22

You had one job. It was to prepare your slide for the group project. And you did it marvelously!

virgo

aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Sometimes doors just slam when no one’s around. Sometimes ghosts scream at your bedside. It’s all good.

aries

Mar. 21 - apr. 19

taurus

apr. 20 - May. 20

Plans don’t know if you’re already in your pajamas or not.

The reason why you play such bad tennis is because you’re wearing running shoes. Only tennis shoes work when playing tennis.

gemini

May. 21 - Jun. 21

sagittarius

“Fresh baked” is the equivalent of “we just got this unidentifiable substance in and heated it up for you recently!”

Remember, you could always be far worse off. Think about how Pluto feels.

cancer

Jun. 22 - Jul. 22

Don’t worry, most people don’t understand why chicken salad isn’t a more common chip dip option either.

libra

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

scorpio

Oct. 23 - nOv. 21

If your presentation on tree biology is anything short but devastating, you deserved the D you received.

nOv. 22 - Dec. 21

The reason why French Toast Crunch didn’t make it, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch did is because no one’s made Pancake Crunch yet.

capricorn

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

And then suddenly your gum turns to liquid right in your mouth in the car! The spontaneity of life at its most ripe!