23 January 2023

Maya Mayberry surpasses 1,500 career points

Upon starting her collegiate basketball career, Maya Mayberry didn’t have a numerical scoring goal for her time at TU. However, as the games and seasons progressed, it was quickly apparent that Mayberry was going to break 1500 career points, whether it were a goal of hers or not.

The fifth-year shooting guard on the Tulsa women’s basketball team surpassed 1,500 career points after scoring a three pointer against UCF on Jan. 7. The team screamed, jumping up and down and throwing water to celebrate the mile marker while Mayberry jogged into position to play defense.

Wanting to achieve the 1,500 point mark was a “growing process” as Mayberry says. She didn’t begin her career with the lofty goal, but began to realize it was something she could definitely achieve.

Mayberry started off her career-long process at Oral Roberts University before transferring during the 2020-2021 season to TU. For many athletes, the “COVID season” is looked back on with dread and feelings of being tricked out of a season of their favorite sport. Mayberry looks back on the season fondly though, as she had a unique experience not many other athletes have. The season allowed her to play with a younger sister on the court, Wyvette, and an older sister on the coaching staff, Taleya.

“I had the best of both worlds [that season] with a coach I was related to and a teammate I was related to, it can’t get better than that.”

Mayberry grew up in a “basketball family”. Her dad was an integral part of his

Arkansas team and Taleya played professional basketball for three years overseas. She never had the chance to play with any of her siblings before this point. In high school, Maya was a senior and Wyvette, a freshman. Despite being on the same team, Maya played point guard and Wyvette was her back up, so they were never on the court at the same time.

Joining TU during the 2020-2021 season also allowed Mayberry to experience the rebuilding of the TU women’s team from the ground up. She feels that the main difference with their new coach, Coach Angie Nelp, is the speed of play. “With Coach Angie right now, we play so fast. That’s been a big turnaround from what was previously going on.”

Coach Angie is also big on relationships, and making sure the teammates are forming bonds. Although Coach planned all different types of activities during the summer to help build chemistry, “[they] just molded pretty well together, it was pretty natural.”

Mayberry said most of the real bonding came in the weight room or on the court. She says, “All the hard work we have put in during preseason made us come together more because during those hard workouts, those hard times, we had to lift each other up because we’re all we had.”

The team is currently 15-3 overall and sitting at an undefeated 5-0 in their conference, making them the team to beat. Despite definitely “enjoying [their] success”, Mayberry says it’s not hard to stay focused when winning, that “the success [they’ve] had just makes [them] focus even more.”

Personally, Mayberry likes having this “chip on her shoulder” type of success, as it “adds a rush” to the games. She played

hard for the 2020 team that “had nothing to lose, and just went out there to play” and she’s continuing to play hard for the team that goes out “to win these games because people are coming for [them].”

Tulsa women’s basketball still has a lot of important games left in the season. They have yet to lose a home game, which Mayberry believes “shows that [they] play hard and fight for [their] home court.”

Their next home game is Jan. 25, where they will have the opportunity to break the record for most home games won in a row against USF. In Mayberry’s time as a Golden Hurricane, she has never beaten USF, so the game is “something [she’s] definitely looking forward to.”

The 2022 FIFA World Cup: a sports-washing masterclass

Sports writer Ryan Shumaker speaks on the good and the bad of the World Cup.

The Qatari state’s apathy towards the mass death of migrant workers paired with their continued abuse of the workers who survived led many people to conclude that Qatar hosting the World Cup was a humanitarian negative for that region of the world.

mophobia and systemic racism. However, citing these issues to call Americans who criticize Qatar hypocrites is no different than insisting Americans should remain silent about Russia invading Ukraine because we once wrongfully invaded Iraq. To find an

The 2022 FIFA World Cup saw the might of football’s powerhouse nations clash with a resilient rising tide of smaller nations to produce unforgettable moments of magic and drama. Unfortunately, there is a dark side of this World Cup’s story which its hosts and governing body would rather not be told. While the football aspect brought fantastic flair, the world’s most beloved carnival was staged at the expense of the rights and lives of thousands. Qatar’s hosting of the World Cup was the centerpiece of their broader sports-washing mission and an unnerving reflection of how humanity’s greatest game is being used to brighten the perception of totalitarian governments around the globe.

For every criticism levied and scandal uncovered, this World Cup produced an inspiring moment of beauty on the field to drag eyes away from the cruel reality

of it. In February of 2021, it was revealed in an article from the Guardian that 6,750 South Asian migrant workers brought to Qatar to construct the tournament’s necessary infrastructure died between 2011 and 2020, one of which was a Filipino worker who died while working to repair lights at a team’s training facility just 10 days before the World Cup final. When asked about the death, Qatar’s World Cup chief executive Nasser Al-Khater demonstrated the state’s unambiguous indifference towards the lives of migrant workers when he stated, “Death is a natural part of life – whether it’s at work, whether it’s in your sleep.” Furthermore, a report published by Amnesty International in 2021 indicates that roughly 70 percent of the migrant worker deaths are either vaguely attributed to “cardiac arrest” and “natural causes” or are a result of “unclassified” incidents.

In response to this consensus, officials from FIFA and Qatar advised such critics to remember how the Arab World united in celebration when Saudi Arabia defeated Argentina and when Morocco became the first African team to reach a World Cup semifinal. Additionally, they point to the abundance of Palestine flags that were waved by fans in support of the long oppressed Arab nation. However, these wonderful moments of unity were solely down to the enduring magic of football, rather than the actions of FIFA or the Qatari state. While underdog nations flourished on the field, it is unlikely that their accomplishments recompensed Indian workers who were treated like slaves or provided any solace to the Nepalese families who lost loved ones as they built the stage for Qatar’s ultimate show.

Another method of deflection employed by Qatar was accusing critics from Western nations of hypocrisy, racism and cultural intolerance. Unfortunately, this tactic seems effective in swaying many Western liberals who fail to understand that one can fight injustice at home and still condemn atrocities abroad. The United States is far from being the world’s standard bearer for workers’ rights and is still deeply infected with ho-

example of real hypocrisy, look no further than FIFA running anti-discrimination and LGBTQ+ pride campaigns in the summer, then threatening teams at the World Cup with sporting sanctions if their captain wore a OneLove armband in support of the LGBTQ+ community.

Qatar’s sports-washing ventures extend far beyond the World Cup. Paris Saint Germain FC is owned by the Qatari state, and it just so happens that the Parisian club’s two biggest stars were shining brighter than ever in Doha as they lit up the World Cup final. Argentines and those pious to Messi everywhere finally witnessed their idol immortalized while the French and a young generation of fans will forever remember their hero Mbappe scoring a hat-trick in the final. Finally, as Messi was presented with the trophy, the Emir of Qatar placed a black Middle Eastern garment known as a Bisht on his shoulders, largely covering the Argentina jersey, ensuring the Qatari state’s attachment to the historic moment and applying the finishing touch on a 12-year project to obscure the world’s view of the humanitarian horror show taking place in Qatar.

M Basketball vs. Memphis 4:00 p.m.

Sports editor Callie Hummel speaks with Mayberry on the team’s recent successes.

“... they will have the opportunity to break the record for most home games won in a row against USF.”

Photo by Callie Hummel

Courtesy @IaIigafrauds on Twitter

“Unfortunately, there is a dark side of this World Cup’s story which its hosts and governing body would rather not be told”

Tulsa criminal defense attorney charged with multiple crimes

Last week, Tulsa criminal defense attorney Jeffrey Krigel had six charges levied against him based on his long history of alleged sexual assault and rape.

Aurora Stewart Student Writer

Last week Tulsa criminal defense attorney Jeffrey Krigel was charged with multiple crimes including rape and witness intimidation.

According to the official court record, there are six total charges levied against him:

First-Degree Rape

Forcible Sodomy

Second-Degree Rape by Instrumentation Distribution of Obscene Material

Two counts of Witness Intimidation A warrant for Krigel’s arrest was issued on Jan. 12. He turned himself in that same night.

The six court cases filed by The Grand Jury supposedly happened in 2011, 2015, 2021 and 2022

This is not the first case against Krigel. In 2021, he was arrested because of a separate rape allegation. In the previous hearing for this case, Wagoner County Managing Assistant District Attorney John Bennett called the victim as his witness. In her testimony, she claimed that she and Krigel had been involved in a long term on and off

again relationship, but they were broken up on the night of the incident. That night she was at his home and while they were talking, he offered her water which she drank. She remembers nothing following this until she woke up alone on his couch not fully clothed. When she asked Krigel about her menstrual cup she later realized was missing, he affirmed that they had had sex that night. The case is scheduled to have its next session on Jan. 20 of this year.

While at the time this was Krigel’s only charge, the Tulsa Police Department still treated him as a serial offender. This was due to a separate month long investigation that revealed at least six women who also accused Krigel of sexual assault as far back as 2005.

Currently, authorities consider Krigel to be dangerous and have taken precautions to keep him detained.

Krigel is currently being held without bond due to his dangerous nature and history of tampering in cases. Along with his three rape charges, he also allegedly intimidated two people who testified against him in his divorce proceeding. He is accused of sharing their personal information online, filing lawsuits against them and attempting to physically track them down.

He has additionally been charged with sharing one of his victim’s nude photos.

In response to the most recent allegations, the Oklahoma Bar Association has asked the State Supreme Court to suspend Krigel’s law license.

Lieutenant Darin Ehrenrich from the TPD Special Victims Unit commented, “I hope that our actions have shown how seriously we’ve taken this case and how important it is.”

The Tulsa Police department has acknowledged the difficulty surrounding this case and cases of this nature. It is difficult for them to find people willing to come forward and testify in sexual assault cases. Lt. Ehrenrich stated that, “The vast majority of sexual assaults are not reported, and

they’re not reported for any number of reasons. There’s generally fear when it comes to making reports. There could be fear of reprisals, fear of how’s this going to affect their life, how’s this going to affect my personal life, how will this affect my job?”

According to Lt. Ehrenrich, despite their lengthy investigation, it was not until another victim recently came forward that they could charge Krigel with the additional rape charges.

TU names Dr. Jennifer Frey inaugural Dean of Honors College

Under Frey’s leadership, the new Honors College promises to offer students accelerated liberal arts education and increased opportunities for campus involvement.

Celeste McAtee Photo & Graphics Editor

Early this month, President Brad Carson announced Dr. Jennifer Frey as the next leader of TU’s Honors program, soon to be expanded into a full Honors College, with the arrival of Frey in July. Frey, who currently teaches philosophy at the University of South Carolina, brings over 20 years of expertise in ancient Greek thought to TU. She is particularly active in researching topics of happiness, virtue and what it means to be human.

“I think about questions having to do with what a good life is,” she says when describing her scholarship. “[I study] what character traits equip a human being to be able to flourish.”

In considering what allows humans to “flourish,” she emphasizes the development of the human character, not only as an individual, but within a community. She investigates how character and community interact especially in the context of education. In the tradition of ancient philosophers of education, she studies how character development plays a critical role in academic learning.

“Reconnecting knowledge and virtue makes sense in higher education,” Frey argues. She claims that education should not serve only to

strengthen students’ factual knowledge, but it must enable them to grow as responsible individuals by promoting virtues such as patience, humility and respect in the classroom. It is perhaps the development of these traits in an intellectual context, above learned factual knowledge, that makes a university education so valuable in modern society.

Frey’s theories on education factor into recent discussions about the liberal arts’ role in education more broadly. As several universities neglect humanities programs in favor of technical and professional programs, Frey asserts that the liberal arts are essential for meaningful university education: “A truly liberal education is supposed to make those who seek it free in an interior and fundamental sense,” she says. “[Learners should be] able to discover, for themselves, the authentic purpose or meaning of their own lives, to understand what constitutes their own flourishing and to find ways they can creatively contribute to the common good of their communities.”

TU’s plan to expand the Honors program into a full Honors college can be seen as a response to attacks on the value of the liberal arts – such as those that came from TU itself a few years ago. The mission statement of the Honors college makes clear its intention to recentralize the liberal arts – alongside the necessity of intellectual virtue – in higher education:

“The mission of the Honors College at the University of Tulsa is to offer an excellent and accelerated liberal arts education, focused on the study of classical texts in the liberal arts tradition, in a vibrant intellectual community that fosters friendship, growth in excellent

habits of mind and character, and service to the common good.”

Frey reveals some of the practical aspects of the program that will help it achieve its mission. The most significant piece of the curriculum is its heavy emphasis on classroom discussion in seminar classes. Frey says that “by focusing on the liberal art of dialectic, the Honors College at the University of Tulsa will train its students to search for the truth together in a community where the dignity of every participant is valued and respected.” Disagreement in these discussions, as will inevitably occur, is also essential for the success of the program. Frey continues that “there is no expectation that students will agree about contemporary political or moral issues, but there is the expectation that in spite of deep and abiding disagreement, they will learn to discuss and investigate their own humanity with one another, in ways that speak to a mutual recognition that everyone belongs in the conversation and has an equal stake in it.”

In learning how to “navigate the complicated, complex space” of classroom discussion in their seminar-style classes, students will be able to form “intellectual friendships” that encourage them to continue pursuing truth even well outside a scholarly setting.

The Honors College also offers students opportunities for character growth in its new emphasis in campus involvement. Frey shares

her dedication to “scale up” student life experience in the Honors College through sponsoring several events outside the classroom, including monthly guest speakers, weekly community “intellectual events” and required service for all Honors College students. Frey explains her special attention to extra-curricular involvement, describing her vision for the college as “not just programs, not just coursework, but creating intentional community.”

Dr. Frey is not new to the TU campus. After striking up an accidental friendship with President Carson on Twitter, she was invited to campus last fall to speak about the value of a liberal arts education. In a full Chapman Hall lecture room, she unapologetically defended the liberal arts’ place in higher education. She declared that the “fundamental human desire to know and to understand—ourselves, our world, our history, and one another—is the real reason we are here; it is the raison d’etre of the university. We are not here to educate for a life of work. We are after something higher.”

Frey will be coming to TU alongside her husband Dr. Christopher Frey, who will join the faculty of the Department of Philosophy and Religion as the McFarlin chair. Frey will also be bringing her podcast “Sacred and Profane Love” to Tulsa, on which she will continue to investigate human happiness and the meaning of life.

Jennifer Frey is starting the new Honors College at TU.

courtesy Jenniferannfrey.com

Krigel is currently being held at the Tulsa County Jail for his alleged crimes.

courtesy Tulsa County Jail

TU needs to implement fall break

is time for classes to really gear up as teachers begin getting into the nitty-gritty of lectures and assignments. The first round of tests comes and goes, with no real end date because of the lack of a fall break, and then round two of exams, providing roughly a week of mental reprieve from test prep, then finally fall break! Then, students are back on the grind for a week straight that immediately leads into finals. Of course, we then have winter break, but it’s, rinse and repeat in the spring, this time with Martin Luther King Jr. Day right after the first week of class.

Having the full week for fall break is a blessing for students. It is not something common at other universities, and it is very nice to have so much time with our families, especially for the students who are from out of state and are traveling long distances to see their families.

The issue with this break is how close to the end of the semester it is, which cannot be helped due to the timing of the holiday. We are taking our break and coming back after such a long time, studying really throws students out of the working mindset, and it can be difficult to throw themselves back into the thick of it to finish out the semester.

Placed in the middle of the spring semester, spring break allows students to rest. This break provides a clear division of the semester so students don’t feel quite as thrown off their settled routine, and have more time to get back into it before finals begin.

At the end of the day, any decision the university makes regarding our breaks and

A true fall break, or an extra day off sometime between Labor Day and Thanksgiving would be a positive change to help prevent burnout in the student body through the long trudge of the semester, even if it means that students go a day or two later in December.

how they are placed, it is a certainty someone will complain. It is not possible to make everyone happy, but breaks spaced out more evenly throughout the semester or an extra day or two off would be, hopefully, a positive change for the students.

Erika Brock News Editor

The University of Tulsa does not provide students with days off that are spaced in a way that students can truly feel rested. Each semester, students are run ragged under constant pressure to work. The only breaks are during the second week of school, when classes have just finished syllabus week and students are still waiting for the semester to begin. It is later that they become worn down and exhausted, nearing burnout from intense schedules. A three-day weekend would provide them the time to relax and catch up on the work they are needing to complete.

The average fall semester looks like this for students at the University of Tulsa: a week of classes, no true homework yet because not enough material has been covered, and then immediately after, a three day weekend due to Labor Day. Everyone is fresh and not fatigued from work. Then, it

TU sets Guinness World Record for largest pizza party

If the goal was charity, TU spent more effort breaking the record than inducing generosity.

Hiens Commentary Editor

This past Saturday, the University of Tulsa made history by hosting the largest documented pizza party in the world. The Guinness World Record was attempted between 6:50 p.m. and 7:05 p.m. There were 3,357 people in attendance at the Reynold’s Center who fulfilled the requirements in order to qualify. Each participant had to eat two small slices of Andolini’s pizza and drink an eight ounce bottle of water within the 15 minute timeframe. The participants also had to be over 12 years of age.

The party directly benefited Make-AWish Oklahoma via donations by sponsors and attendees alike. In total, the party raised about $40,000 for the foundation.

The event was no small feat and the record was earned at no small cost to TU. Although the university still charged tickets to the party and subsequent basketball game at the discounted rate of $5 per person, students were not required to purchase a ticket. TU provided free commemorative lanyards and sweatshirts to the first 1,000 attendees and an additional 1,000 sweatshirts to the first 1,000 students through the door.

ed. If the goal was to get more attendance to the basketball game, Carson utterly failed when most of the attendees fled the stadium before the game could begin. If the goal was to raise money for charity, students questioned if this was the best way to go about it. With the amount of money that was put forth to create the event in the first place and incentivise the participants, why didn’t TU simply donate those funds instead? The free souvenir sweatshirts and lanyards combined with renting shuttles to transport participants to the Reynold’s Center had to cost thousands.

There is no guarantee that TU even gave out 2,000 sweatshirts. Although this is what the university claimed, sweatshirts were given at the end of the event as attendees left. To simplify and speed up the process of seating people in the stadium, participants designated to receive a sweatshirt were given wristbands as they checked in. When I walked to the home side of the court to collect my sweatshirt, the volunteers handing

Andolini’s spent money on the ingredients to make at least 1,700 per-

sonal pan pizzas (as every participant ate half of a personal pizza), which could have gone directly to Make-A-Wish Oklahoma had charity been the primary goal.

Without the hype and excitement of contributing to infamy, TU would not have attracted so many sponsors or attendees who, undoubtedly, donated at least $20,000 as part of the event. TU’s goal was to raise $15,000 for the Make-A-Wish foundation, which they surpassed. However, Carson ended up matching the donations. Carson could have made that $20,000 donation without spending university funds on the pizza party had he wished. As a charity event, the pizza party cost TU funds that could have strictly been donated or used to improve our cam-

After the attempt was finished and the sponsor’s donations were publicized, it was announced that President Brad Carson would match every dollar donated at the event.

If the goal of the event was to put TU on the map and gain notoriety, Carson succeed-

them out were not checking for wristbands at all. They tossed sweatshirts to the clamoring sea of students haphazardly, trying to get them out as fast as possible. There was no order to the process at all and absolutely no way to ensure that the first 2,000 attendees or students were able to receive their

TU does not provide enough vacation days during the school semesters, and it is a detriment to students.

promised goods. Not only that, as I fought my way out of the Reynold’s Center, I witnessed another group of volunteers giving out more sweatshirts in chaotic fashion without checking wristbands.

Additionally,

pus and academia by giving our professors raises or fixing the dilapidated buildings.

Shelby

courtesy Shelby Hiens

Participants were required

ounces of water in 15 minutes.

courtesy utulsa.edu

Breaks in the fall are not evenly spaced, contributing to student burnout.

“A true fall break, or an extra day off ... would be a positive change to help prevent burnout ...”

courtesy Shelby Hiens

There were 3,357 participants in the Reynold’s Center on Saturday evening.

“I witnessed ... volunteers giving out more sweatshirts in chaotic fashion without checking wristbands.”

courtesy Shelby Hiens

Over $40,000 was raised for Make-A-Wish Oklahoma.

“... President Brad Carson would match every dollar donated at the event.”

Mercury Lounge incurs thousands of dollars worth of damages due to accident

Maddie Walters Managing Editor

Last week, disaster struck everyone’s favorite dive bar, the Mercury Lounge. Unfortunately, the venue’s trash service accidentally wreaked havoc through the bar’s lot, causing thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of damage.

In a post on Facebook, the venue shared these details: “We didn’t do this. Our trash service drove through the front of the lot. The truck took out the (brand

Tulsa’s Mercury Lounge has played host to such large-scale musicians as Laura Jane Grace (Against Me!), Robin Wilson (The Gin Blossoms) and many more. The venue also regularly supports local bands. In fact, there’s usually not a day that you can’t hear live music at the Mercury Lounge.

The venue has a set schedule when there’s not a touring band coming through time. On Sunday’s, there’s a double hitter with a brunch performance and evening performance with both the Johnny Mullanex Band and Brandon Clark’s Sunday Service. The rest of the week’s schedule follows with Mike Dee Presents on Monday’s, the Chris Blevins Band on

new) power line to the pole sign. Tore the weatherhead off the roof and, unbeknownst to us, punched huge holes in our roof. Today’s rain flooded the stage. Destroyed stage ceiling. Water ran through the ceiling and into the walls. Lost lightning rigs, monitors, mics. Having to cancel shows. We’ve filed a claim with the trash service but we will probably never see that money.”

Tuesday’s, Pilgrim on Wednesday’s, Paul Benjamin Band on Thursday’s and Cassie Latshaw’s Happiest Happy Hour on Fridays. The best thing about these shows? They’re completely free. The venue just asks that you buy a drink at the bar since the lounge typically pays local performers through bar sales. Mercury Lounge

100% club. We don’t take a percent at the door. If rarely, we take a small fixed amount from some of the bigger shows just to afford extra security and things of that nature.”

On the day of the accident, Koffin Kats were supposed to perform at the venue,

dise driven incentives. If you would like to support the bar, you can find a link to the GoFundMe on the venue’s Facebook account. The Gin Blossoms — most wellknown for their song “Hey Jealousy” — shared the GoFundMe to their socials, helping the bar to achieve a little more than half their goal.

has always gone above and beyond when it comes to supporting bands. In fact, when the pandemic hit, the venue did found inventive ways to safely support musicians during this trying time.

In an Instagram reel, owner Bobby Dean Orcutt described the situation as “The realities of running a small venue and bar, post covid, is that the margins are getting slimmer and slimmer. It’s not the thing we usually advertise. We’re a

but due to all the damages the show didn’t move on at the venue. Instead, Whittier Bar generously offered to host the concert. Since then, the lounge has started to host their local shows again after members of the community came together to make the venue playable again.

Mercury Lounge started a GoFundMe to help offset some of the costs the venue has incurred due to the damages. The venue is even throwing in some merchan -

If you like live music and/or just want to support a venue that has served the Tulsa community timelessly over its 18 years in business, please consider donating to their GoFundMe. Mercury Lounge also sells merchandise on their website. Another way to support the venue would be purchasing tickets for upcoming shows such as Patti Steel, Jaimee Harris or Eli Howard. A full list of upcoming touring shows can be found on their website as well.

Orcutt sums up Mercury Lounge’s dedication best with “No matter what, we’re going to keep doing our thing.”

The

New Year

Hummel Sports Editor & Social Media Manager

The

venue has

started a GoFundMe to offset some of the costs.

On Jan. 20, the Asian American Student Association, Vietnamese Student Association, Association of International Students and the Chinese Student Association came together to host a Lunar New Year Festival. The event included food, performances, games and raffles to celebrate the year of the rabbit and cat.

“In fact, there’s usually not a day that you can’t hear live music at the Mercury Lounge.”

courtesy Mercrury Lounge on GoFundMe.com Mercury Lounge suffered substantial damage after the accident.

University of Tulsa celebrates the Lunar

Callie

Photos by Callie Hummel

“Mercury Lounge started a GoFundMe to help offset some of the costs the venue has incurred due to the damages .”

Various student organizations teamed up to host this festive event.

courtesy MercruryLoungeTulsa.com

Mercury Lounge now has a GoFundMe set up.

We will support Amazon if they give us a printing budge t

State-Run the media

Trust me, I love Jeff Bezos

I know I am not the first person to do this, but I might be the first person who included a threesome scene in which

hit me up.

I supported Elon Musk before – and after –it was cool

I do not care what stupid shit that bastard does, his memes are too poggers for him to fail.

In spirit of TU’s attempt to break the Guinness World Record for largest pizza party, this week’s horoscopes are pizza themed! Don’t worry, I didn’t just make this up, the stars told me so!

Aquarius: No pizza for you this week, Aquarius. I know…it doesn’t make any sense, but you have to trust me on this one. Stick to garlic knots, cheesy bread and maybe even the chicken wings. Other things you should stay away from: clearance racks, small children and anyone riding a bike.

Pisces: It’s time to break out of your shell, Pisces. Enough cheeseonly for you. Try something new this week, and don’t be afraid to embrace the unknown. This doesn’t only apply to your pizza choices, but to everything you might encounter this week. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it, but it might just be broken…

Aries: Stick to what you know this week, Aries, and don’t be discouraged if you find yourself doing the same old, same old. You only order medium one-topping pizzas from Domino’s because they work. What else in your life is working? Take some time to decide what you want for yourself, and if you’re tempted to place a Pizza Hut order because you really want to or because you’re just bored.

Taurus: Host your own pizza party this week, Taurus. Don’t worry about the size, there’s no need to embarrass yourself by trying to break a world record. Reach out to some friends, especially those you haven’t seen in a while. It’s time to reconnect with those closest to you over some sauce, cheese and the toppings of your choice.

As the satire editor for the Collegian, I have begun to worry that my future employers will search my name and find a picture of Kevin Stitt smoking a blunt. That might turn off potential job opportunities such as the narcotics division of the FBI, the Kevin Stitt administration or dispensaries that do not want weed to be associated with that loser Kevin. In case you are looking to hire me, please refer to this list of statements which I assure you will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a mindless shill for corporations and will sell my soul for minimum wage and no benefits.

Unions are ruining this great country

Personally I think unionization does more harm than good. When I look at data, I only look at GDP and Nasdaq, and Reagan said unions make those numbers go down and I do not like small numbers. I like big numbers.

Ayn Rand is my favorite author

I really like how she girlbosses those lazy poor people. #slay. She is no doubt the most influential libertarian sci-fi author, other than perhaps L. Ron Hubbard.

I love getting paid poorly with little to no benefits

I am a bit of a sub like that.

I wrote an erotic fanfic of a romance between Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan

I like bad health insurance

Because I cannot afford real health care, I have turned to holistic healing methods which have helped me get in touch with nature, and my spiritual side. I also may have become permanently blue now due to a strong reaction with colloidal silver but I consider that a plus because of how trendy the new “Avatar” film is.

I have no issue working in morally gray – or even explicitly immoral – fields

Send me to go make those missiles boss! If we need to blow up those “unlawful combatants” I am down. Anything to make the stock numbers go up. I love “Call of Duty.”

I think Jeff Bezos made the right choice of creating one-day shipping instead of solving world hunger

Two days was way too long to wait on my bulk order of Cheetos.

I am perfectly capable of posting civil rights infographics while working full time to prevent systematic change in any way PR and virtue signaling are my two passions.

I might even consider working for TU if I get desperate enough

I am not going to lie, I would really rather not, but if this is what gets you bourgeoisie bastards to hire me then so be it.

Gemini: I’m not sure what to tell you, Gemini. Pizza is a sore subject for you, and you may have to lay low this week. You’re going to be tempted to eat your pizza in public, revealing to the whole world that you support doing so with a hefty sprinkle of pineapple on top. No matter how strong the urge, don’t do it. Stay away from bold choices of all kinds this week, Gemini, the risks are too great.

Cancer: You need a change of scenery this week Cancer, and the perfect way to do this is to stick to unconventional types of pizza. Think pizza rolls, pizza bagels and maybe even a calzone. Invest in all three and craft your very own pizza charcuterie board! This could be the perfect way to create some “me time” this week. Don’t worry about sharing your pizza treats with anyone else Cancer, it’s never selfish to take care of yourself.

Leo: The time is now, Leo. Go all in and try to make your own pizza this week. Handmade dough, tomato sauce with a secret ingredient and whatever toppings you find readily available in the fridge. Don’t get too ambitious but feel free to experiment a little. The same may be applied in the rest of your life; try something new, take pride in your accomplishments, and never forget what the late Chef Gusteau always said, “Anyone can cook.”

Virgo: Share a pizza with someone this week, Virgo. You have something you need to get off your chest and now is just the time to do so. There is no wrong or right way to give someone a slice of what’s been on your mind lately. Just be sure that those you confide in can be trusted, if you make the delivery to the wrong house, well, they may expect free pizza for a year.

Libra: It’s time to get back to the basics and remind yourself what is most important. Forget the frilly specialty pizzas from Andollini’s, you know, the one with the fancy names and indulgent flavors. Head straight to the nearest grocery store and grab a classic Totino’s Party Pizza. Nothing says “what matters most?” like a flaky crust, the world’s thinnest layer of sauce and the taste of childhood. What matters most to you, Libra?

Scorpio: You need to dig deep this week, Scorpio. You’ll soon have some explaining to do, and you need to have your elevator pitch ready. Stick to Lunchables pizza. I know, you think you’re too good for it but I promise the deconstructive element will be helpful. Which ingredient really speaks to you? Why? How do you see yourself within the doughy base, the sort-of-gross-sauce and the powdery cheese? It may be more revealing than you anticipate.

Sagittarius: You need to focus on building a routine this week, Sagittarius. Big changes are coming your way and it’s important to stay grounded. Eat pizza every single day this week for every meal. Feel free to switch up the brands, varieties and flavors but it’s crucial that you commit to the ‘za. Trusting the process is essential.

Capricorn: Your opinions are severely underrated, Capricorn, and this week is the perfect time to make them heard. Start by ranking every pizza restaurant in Tulsa, the local, the non-local, the good, the bad and the ugly. Want to put Papa John’s at the top of that list? You may be horribly, embarrassingly wrong, but you have to own it. Your bravery will inspire others.

Henry Kissinger joins. That has to count for something in the job market, right? Lockheed Martin

Kyle Garrison

Local wage theft enjoyer

To all future employers: please read this instead of my resume.

horoscopes by Margaret Laprarie

graphic by Kyle Garrison

Bezos is my number one short king.