1 April 2019

The Collegian: 2

News

Across the pond: Andrew Noland Student Writer The Brexit process came to a grinding halt last Friday with Prime Minister Theresa May’s deal failing for the third time to pass the House of Commons. With no backstop in place, there remains only a week and a half before Britain crashes out of the European Union, and it looks next to impossible that a deal can be arranged.

Britain’s current dire circumstances stem from before the June 23, 2016, referendum to leave the European Union. The idea of exiting the European Union gained serious momentum in the waning years of Prime Minister David Cameron’s tenure.

The United Kingdom has always possessed a precarious relationship with the EU, as it has historically with the rest of the continent itself, and Conservatives in recent years gained electoral ground by bashing the unifying European body.

Citing the money given to Brussels (the seat of the European Parliament) each year, policy and law dictated outside London, and immigration coming from predominantly Muslim populations, David Cameron was pressed by his own party to consider leaving the European Union. Rather than confront the issue in Parliament, the Conservative leader instead punted the issue to a public referendum.

The election itself is a story on its own and was embroiled in the 2016 presidential election, as seen by the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) leaders like Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson stumping for Donald Trump. Armed with a misleading multi-leveled social media campaign (in conjunction with Cambridge Analytica, the subject of ongoing investigations concerning collection of data) and the infamous National Health Service bus, the “Leave” faction faced off against “Remain” proponents, Prime Minister David Cameron and numerous celebrities, including J. K. Rowling and John Oliver.

But UKIP claimed victory when the votes came in, and with 52 percent, it was decided that Britain would be leaving the European Union. David Cameron proceeded to resign, and the country expected Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage to take the helm. Both declined and also reneged on promises they made once Brexit took place (including that the money going to Brussels would instead

go to the National Health Service). Britons were stunned and Theresa May emerged as the new prime minister to lead Britain out of the European Union.

What the British people did not anticipate was how ineffectual May’s cabinet would be at negotiating with Europe. May promised that the U.K. could negotiate a soft border with Ireland, keep Scottish independence in check, ensure stability for EU workers and have an advantageous deal with the customs union. Literally laughing in his response, Donald Tusk, the President of the European Union, backed by French president Emmanuel Macron and German chancellor Angela Merkel, promised that Britain would not leave with a deal that gave all the benefits of being in the European Union without having to participate, both financially and legally.

He made good on his vow, and May repeatedly came back from Brussels lamenting to her Conservative Party that Europe had all the leverage.

In June of 2017, wanting to garner further support, May called a snap election to gather more MPs. Instead, she lost a substantial number of Conservative members in Parliament, realizing that public opinion was turning against her. Her problems only compounded when London, the financial and commercial center of Europe, suddenly found the corporate entities that made it so leave for Paris, Berlin and Dublin. Panicking, Conservative leaders turned their anger on May, claiming that her ineffective lead-

A comprehensive timeline of Brexit; how it started and where it’s going

Brexit has been a consistent point of contention in the U.K. for the last two years.

sented her deal before Parliament on January 15, and, with a historic defeat of 432202, the result was catastrophic.

Conservatives, angry at the idea of further Muslim immigration and having a close relationship with Europe, vehemently attacked May’s deal, Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn tabled a vote of no-confi-

“Scotland began to move toward another independence referendum, Ireland prepared for the return of the Troubles ...” ership had allowed Europe to walk all over her. The truth was that Europe dictated all the terms to May because, outside of the financial capital London possessed, and began to lose, Britain no longer provides any substantial economic attraction for Europe.

This takes us to November 2018, when Theresa May announced her negotiated deal to the public. Her deal guaranteed a soft border with Ireland, workers’ and immigration rights for EU workers in the U.K., a close relation to the European customs union and a massive buyout to leave Europe. She pre-

1 April 2019

dence (although still refused to back a second Brexit referendum), Scotland began to move toward another independence referendum, Ireland prepared for the return of the Troubles and the military began stockpiling food and medicine for the crash out of the EU Although May survived the no-confidence vote to retain her seat as prime minister, the public outcry became clear. May returned to Brussels, and Europe informed her that the deal would not change. She needed to convince her own party to back it.

graphic by Conner Maggio

She tried proposing the deal a second time, and that too failed by a significant margin in February. Jeremy Corbyn finally began backing another public referendum to determine whether Brexit was the way to move forward, and polls shifted drastically in favor of remaining in the EU. May ignored the public, arguing that a second vote would undermine democracy, while simultaneously proposing her deal for a third time. May managed to extend her deadline from March 29 of this year to April 12, but on Friday, her deal once again failed, even with a desperate promise that she would resign.

Currently, Theresa May is attempting to get a nine-month extension, but without all other 27 EU member states agreeing to it, it is more than likely that Britain will not be granted that luxury. Calls for another referendum are becoming overwhelming and the chaos is beginning to ensue across the Atlantic. The economic consequences are already being felt with the British stock market tanking. The ball, as it has been for the last three years, is back in Europe’s court, and the European Union is not looking particularly amenable to a power that claims it no longer needs the Continent.

TU student affected by Mueller report finished, not prescription drug price spike yet fully released to public

TU senior Will Schuller is one of approximately 3,300 people affected

by Lambert-Eaton myasthenic syndrome in the United States.

George Patterson Student Writer

As an involved student athlete in high school, Will Schuller had cause for concern when his diminishing athletic performance became apparent. Schuller visited his primary care physician on Halloween of his senior year in high school. After being referred to a neurologist, Schuller was diagnosed with Lambert-Eaton myasthenic syndrome (LEMS). Amid the flurry of activities related to finishing high school and applying to universities, Schuller visited the Mayo Clinic for nine days, where his original diagnosis was confirmed and he began to be successfully treated with the pharmaceutical drug 3,4-diaminopyridine (3,4-DAP).

LEMS is a rare disease that affects nearly one in every 100,000 people in the United States. According to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, LEMS is an autoimmune disease that interferes with the ability of nerve cells to send signals to muscle cells.

Symptoms include weakness in the upper legs and hips.

In regards to first receiving 3,4-DAP, Schuller says, “Thirty minutes after taking this pill, I was able to, like, skip around the waiting room.” He calls the event “the most unbelievable experience you could have.”

Schuller is now a senior at the University of Tulsa pursuing a degree in mechanical engineering. Meanwhile, the pharmaceutical drug that allows him to continue his education has been plunged into the national spotlight due to its skyrocketing price.

From the time of Schuller’s initial treatment, to the end of 2018, 3,4-DAP was offered to LEMS patients for free through a federal program called compassionate use.

Jacobus Pharmaceuticals, a family-owned pharmaceutical company, provided the drug.

On Nov. 29, 2018, Catalyst Pharmaceuticals, Inc. (Catalyst) announced that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved

Firdapse (amifampridine) for the treatment of adults with LEMS. With this, Catalyst was given the exclusive rights to sell their slightly modified and FDA approved version of 3,4-DAP. Furthermore, Catalyst charges $375,000 a year for the drug. This cost is usually negotiated by insurance companies and not the end price to consumers.

The response to the price hike was brought to national attention by Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders in a letter to Catalyst pharmaceuticals.

Schuller says, “Who’s really getting ripped off are these insurance companies who are having to pay a ridiculous sum of money for a medication that costs pennies to make.”

With respect to the positives of Catalyst receiving the exclusive rights to produce amifampridine, Schuller explains that the new version of the drug no longer needs to be refrigerated, as well as its easier accessibility to newly diagnosed LEMS patients.

In talking about the easier accessibility of the drug, Schuller says, “It’s also because it has now this patent and they’ve done all this R&D on it.” Schuller says, “It’s [more] accessible for people who have just gotten diagnosed with the disease and need the medication”.

Regarding the modification of the drug, Schuller explains, “There are some benefits,” and that, “It’s not all negative.”

who pled guilty to lying to the FBI and at-

Attorney General William Barr has torney Michael Cohen, who pled guilty to only released a four-page summary eight counts related to Stormy Daniels hushof Mueller’s report, which numbered money payments.

While Mueller has turned in his greaterover 300 pages.

Hannah Robbins Student Writer After 22 months, special prosecutor Robert Mueller has finally sent his report to the Department of Justice with the results of his investigation on whether there was any Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, whether there was coordination between Donald Trump’s campaign and the Russians and if President Trump obstructed the investigation. During the course of the investigation, a total of 34 indictments were handed down, including six Trump campaign individuals.

All of the Americans that were indicted were found guilty, besides Roger Stone, who is still awaiting trial. Highlights of those who are indicted include former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, who was indicted on 25 counts that are tied to Ukrainian officials and financial fraud, former national security advisor Michael Flynn,

To cope with his disease, Schuller takes a drug (3,4-DAP) which has recently undergone a massive price spike.

than-300 page report to Attorney General William Barr, a Trump appointee, the only information that the public has received from Barr is his four-page summary of the report. In this summary, Barr reported that Mueller found Trump had not been a part of a plan to undermine the election. In response to the question of obstruction of justice, Barr concludes that while President Trump did not commit a crime, it does not “exonerate him.”

Some senators and congresspeople have called for release of the full report. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has demanded for the entire report to be declassified so that Congress and the American public can read it. At this time, top Democrats have given Barr an April 2 deadline to release the full report to comply with their demands. On Friday, Barr announced a partially-redacted copy of the report would be released in midApril.

photo by George Patterson

1 April 2019

News

The Collegian: 3

Village. A non-TU affiliate was lying down directly across from the Early Childhood Development Center. The individual had prior contact with Campus Security and had been trespassed warned. Tulsa Police Department was contacted.

The non-TU affiliate left the scene and returned to their nearby residence after waiting 45 minutes for on-duty police to arrive. Officers did not attempt to stop the individual.

March 19 3:50 a.m.

University of Tulsa campus Security Officers were dispatched to a emergency blue phone beside Mayo Village Apartments. Upon arrival, officers met with a individual who was not affiliated with the University Of Tulsa. The individual was very disoriented and wanted directions to their residence. Officers gave the individual directions to their residence and escorted them off of the property.

4:30 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Hardesty Press to conduct a pedestrian check. A non-TU affiliate was observed loitering on the north side of the building. The non-TU affiliate was trespass warned and asked to leave the area. A contact card was created.

March 20 1:50 p.m.

While on routine patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers attempted to initiate contact with an individual at Collins Hall who was skateboarding on University of Tulsa property. The individual refused to stop and provide a form of identification. Officers made contact with the individual at the Practice Soccer Field. The individual was trespass warned and left without further incident.

March 21 2:40 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Chapman Commons to investigate a possible suspicious student. Upon arrival Officers made contact with the individual who was not a TU affiliate. The individual was trespass warned and escorted off campus. A contact card was issued.

3:30 p.m.

While on routine patrol University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers conducted a pedestrian check near Norman

3:45 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a report of a suspicious person in the Fisher Hall. Officers responded and detained the subject for trespassing. The Tulsa Police Department was called and issued the subject a trespassing citation.

March 22 5:20 a.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers observed a vehicle drive onto the fire lane north of Mabee East parking lot, then drive over the curb back into the parking lot.

Officers conducted a traffic stop shortly after in the parking lot. Officers immediately smelled alcohol after the driver, a TU student, rolled down the window. The TU student was informed to park their car, and then escorted to their apartment.

3:00 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible parking complaint at the Mabee East Lot. The complaint was in regard to a lot closure during the basketball game. The officer met with a TU affiliate and two non-TU affiliates.

10:50 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible noise complaint at the University Square West Apartments. Campus Security made contact with the resident and a contact card was issued.

March 23 6:35 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible burglary from an auto in the United Methodist Lot. Upon arrival Officers met with the owner of the vehicle, and the Tulsa Police Department was contacted.

March 24 9:30 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to investigate a possible intoxicated TU affiliate

Chris Lierly Apprentice Editor Lindsey Prather Student Writer

India claims it shot down a satellite On Wednesday, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi claimed that the country successfully test-fired an anti-satellite weapon. Modi announced the test in a public address that came only weeks before a major election. According to multiple experts, this is a major development along India’s path to becoming a global power. Only the U.S., Russia and China were known to have anti-satellite weaponry before the test. Just a few weeks ago, doubt had been cast on India’s military might after a Soviet-era jet of its own was shot down over Pakistan, but Modi said that despite the test, India does not necessarily intend to use the weapon against a specific country.

Boeing crashes, sparks halt of use In response to two recent crashes involving Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, Indonesian, Ethiopian, Chinese, Singapore, Indian, European and other regulatory agencies and airlines suspended the operation of Boeing 737 MAX 8 aircraft in early March. The aircraft was grounded in the European Union on March 12, 2019, and by the Federal Aviation Administration and President Trump in the United States. There have been two crashes involving the 737 MAX, the newest variant of the Boeing 737 aircraft in the past six months.

On Oct. 29, 2018, Lion Air Flight 610 crashed into the Java Sea 13 minutes after takeoff. The accident is still under investigation, and the final report not expected to be released until September 2019. On March 10, 2019, Ethiopian Airlines Flight 302 crashed six minutes after takeoff. A common trait in the disasters were the aircraft: the Boeing planes were the new 737 MAX — both only four months old. The planes are now undergoing a series of safety inspections, and early indicators place blame on a digital malfunction that was reworked heavily and lauded as innovative and groundbreaking. Instead, the feature is potentially to blame for hundreds of deaths.

Trump and Golan Heights On Monday, President Trump formally declared the Golan Heights as a territory of Israel. This goes against more than half a century of United States foreign policy and means that America is the first country to recognize Israeli sovereignty over the Syrian region. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that, “We are simply recognizing facts on the ground and the reality and doing the right thing.” However, Syrian officials claim that Israel has forcefully settled the area without permission.

Ambassadors from Germany, France, Poland, Belgium and Britain issued a joint statement reaffirming that the region is in fact not Israel’s, saying, “Annexation of territory by force is prohibited under international law.” These events have led to mass protests in the Syrian capital of Damascus and come the same week that Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu attends the yearly policy conference hosted by AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee).

near the Lorton Village Apartments. Officers made contact with the affiliate and determined they were intoxicated. Officers made sure the affiliate was safe and issued a student misconduct.

11:10 p.m.

University of Tulsa Campus Security Officers were dispatched to Keplinger Hall in regards to a possible gas leak.

Upon arrival, officers located the source of the call. The engineer on duty was called. They inspected the area of the leak and determined that it was just an air line. They regulated the air and stated they would check it again later in the night.

March 25 8:35 a.m.

Officers were dispatched to North Campus in reference to unknown individuals camping. The Tulsa Police Department was notified and arrived at 0850. TPD did not give a citation to the two individuals. After a warrant and previous contact check was made the individuals were made aware of the university boundaries and given trespass warnings.

March 26 7:45 a.m.

Officers were dispatched to the 8th and Harvard shuttle lot to investigate a burglary from a vehicle. Officers made contact with the vehicle owner who stated they parked their vehicle in the shuttle lot at approximately 2300 hours on March 25, 2019 and returned on March 26, 2019 at approximately 0745 hours. When they returned they discovered their passenger side rear window had been broken. Officers advised the vehicle owner how to report the incident to the Tulsa Police Department.

10:55 a.m.

Officers were dispatched to Tyrrell Hall in reference to an ill student. Officers made contact with the student who previously passed out but regained consciousness. The Tulsa Fire Department and Emergency Medical Services Authority evaluated the student on scene. The student denied transport for further treatment.

1:30 p.m.

Officers were dispatched to Mabee Gym in regard to found property. Officers were informed a housing key had been found earlier in the day near the McFarlin Library. Officers were not able to determine the owner of the key.

The Collegian does not produce or edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

Monday, April 1 at 5:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

Reynolds Center Luna Llena de Tambores Straight from Panama, enjoy a night with Alfredo Hidrovo and his music group for the first night of Springfest. They invite and inspire the audience to play the drums, dance, and sing to the rhythm of the music. Drums and sticks will be provided at the performance and everyone is invited to attend!

This event is open to the public as well as students and free to all.

Tuesday, April 2 at 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.

Tyrrell Hall 2019 Bell Distinguished Lectureship Professor Jane Shaw is Principal of Harris Manchester College, Professor of the History of Religion and Pro Vice-Chancellor at The University of Oxford. She is the author of several books including Miracles in Enlightenment England (Yale 2006) and Octavia, Daughter of God: the Story of a Female Follower and her Disciples (Yale 2011).

Shaw’s lecture Anglicanism and the Modern Revival of Mysticism will discuss the historical material from the early 20th century and then asking what that means for us today.

The event is free and open to the public.

Thursday, April 4 at 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.

McFarlin Library, Faculty Study Jean Rhys: The Biographer as Literary Detective Join author and biographer Miranda Seymour while she’s at the University of Tulsa visiting the Jean Rhys archive. Seymour will chat about her work on Rhys as well as more generally about the art of researching and writing biographies.

Seymour’s work as a biographer has ranged over many fields. She has written about Ottoline Morrell, Robert Graves, Mary Shelley and – most recently – a twin portrait of Ada Lovelace and her mother Lady Byron. She has also written three completely un-literary biographies, one of a female French racing-driver from the 30s and one of the Charlie Chaplin film star, Virginia Cherrill, who performed as the blind girl in City Lights. In addition, she has written an award-winning memoir of her life with her father Thrumpton Hall and a group portrait of Henry James and his literary friendships (Ring of Conspirators).

Seymour has also written several historical novels, mostly set in ancient Greece or Renaissance Italy, featuring “quite a lot of sex and far too much historical detail.” She also authored a novel based on one fateful summer in the life of Robert Graves and friends, while visiting a farm in Pennsylvania entitled “The Telling.”

Free and Open to All. The talk will take place in the Faculty Study @ The University of Tulsa Library. April 4th, 7-8:30 p.m.

Friday, April 5 at 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.

Zarrow Center for Art & Education First Friday: TU Arts & Humanities Festival Please join us on First Friday in downtown Tulsa from 6:00 to 9:00 pm at Zarrow Center as we celebrate art, culture, and creativity. Enjoy a rotating program of music, poetry, sculpture, painting, dance, design, and performance from some of the most talented students in the TU School of Arts and Sciences.

This year, we’ll have dozens of visual works from the School of Art, short performances by student ensembles from the School of Music, and a showcase of student film, fiction, and poetry. Print-makers will be on hand creating original pieces. Attendees can have their very own poem written for them at our pop-up poetry booth. TU’s literary journals will be handing out free copies of publications.

Grab some TU swag and learn about our great art programs! Cash bar and light refreshments (while supplies last).

The event is free and open to the entire community. Suitable for all ages.

The Collegian does not produce all event descriptions in the Community Calendar.

Contact us at news@tucollegian.org with events.

Variety

The Collegian: 4

1 April 2019

Tulsa Ballet’s “Tchaikovsky” a biographical ballet The show payed homage to one of history’s most renowned composers, to great success.

Lizzy Young Student Writer The world premiere of Tulsa Ballet’s “Tchaikovsky” was a stunning blend of choreography, costuming and modern lighting effects. These elements combined to produce a beautiful, perfectly-paced ballet about the life of the famous Russian composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

Tchaikovsky is famous for composing the music to three of the most famous ballets of all time: “The Nutcracker,” “Swan Lake” and “Sleeping Beauty.” A world-class creative team consisting of Tulsa Ballet Artistic Director Marcello Angelini, Resident Choreographer Ma Cong, composer Oliver Peter Graber, Russian historian Daniela Kolic and New Zealand stage designer Tracy Grant Lord combined their talents to produce a ballet that spotlighted the life of the man who composed this famous music.

Most historians believe that Tchaikovsky was a gay man who lived a conflicted life because he had to hide his feelings amid the societal pressures of 19th-century Russia.

Cong used this hidden life to drive the story forward. The ballet’s theme was forbidden love and how it affected Tchaikovsky’s music.

The ballet opened with Tchaikovsky dreaming about his mother and being a child.

This theme of childhood innocence recurred throughout the performance. The next scene was a party at Leo Tolstoy’s house.

The costumes in this scene were stunning.

The girls were in velvet and silk waistcoats and skirts with feathers in their caps. The costuming felt traditional with a delightful contemporary twist that made things feel a little more modern The costuming throughout was just fantastic. Everything looks 19th century but with velvet and sparkles that made it glamorous and fun.

At the party, there was a violinist troup.

The choreography where the violinists displayed their great talents dancing with their violins and playing music was delightful to watch because they mimed playing the violin while leaping around the stage like a performance. Tchaikovsky here met the main violinist, Josef Kotek. From the dancing and acting, the two were shown having an

with fear, the beginning of their forbidden love.

Their fear of being found out was exemplified in the next scene at the opera. People began to gossip and whisper about their relationship. This gossip led Tchaikovsky to be connected with the next famous relationship in his life — his one with opera singer Madame Désirée Artôt.

The show followed the life of famous composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

courtesy Tulsa Ballet

“The dance numbers never seemed to drag but moved along at a fast pace and felt original and fresh.” instant connection because they could not keep their eyes off of each other despite the crowds around them.

The next scene showed them working on a violin score at the composer’s house.

Through the duet, the dancers portrayed the complicated feelings of attraction mingled

Tchaikovsky was drawn to her, but he could not bring himself to have the intimacy she craved. She then moved on and married someone else in a haunting scene at the end of Act I where Tchaikovsky was shown longing for Kotek by taking the glove Kotek gave him out of his pocket and staring at it.

The opening scene of Act II was probably my favorite because of the acting done by the dancers, it had a really good energy to the scene that translated well to the audience. The young people were gathered in a garden and played games. The highlight of the scene was the tug-of-war game where the dancers managed to look graceful and clumsy at the same time.

At this party, a young student of Tchaikovsky, Antonia — the third major relationship in his life — was shown to be in love with him. He barely noticed her. In desperation, she wrote him a love letter offering herself in marriage.

Tchaikovsky consented to her proposal, and they married. But their marriage was one of strife and dissatisfaction as Tchaikovsky appeared to not love her because he often stared at the glove Kotek left for him. An inward scene of conflict followed as Tchaikovsky thought about the people he cared about and loved: Désirée, Kotek and Antonia.

Finally, in Tchaikovsky’s imagination, dancers in scary masks accompanied by anxious music with heavy drum beats dance across the stage to condemn the composer’s choices. Conflicted and tortured by his thoughts, he committed suicide, a tragic end to the brilliant composer’s life.

All of the group dance scenes in this ballet were well-composed. It was the perfect blend of group dance scenes, solos and duos. The dance numbers never seemed to drag but moved along at a fast pace and felt original and fresh.

My favorite thing about this ballet was how modern it felt. In classical ballets, the dance numbers tend to last a long time.

“Tchaikovsky” never had that problem. The numbers were fast paced and well-acted. It felt like a ballet for the 21st century.

Although “Tchaikovsky” was only one weekend, Tulsa Ballet has two more shows before they close out their season. “TBII: Next Generation,” featuring Tulsa Ballet II, is the weekend of April 26–28. Their “Signature Series” on May 9–11 is their final performance of the season.

courtesy Tulsa Ballet

Promo art for the show.

“Us” terrifies, lives up to the hype

Jordan Peele’s sophomore film continues the momentum generated by “Get Out.” Chris Lierly Apprentice Editor

“Get Out” broke out in a year riddled with well-made horror films, but with “Us,” Jordan Peele shows that his first project never fully utilized the former Comedy Central star’s masterful ability to unsettle. For his second movie, he switches the setting from upstate New York with suburban California and swaps the white liberal villains of his first film for a family of doppelgängers.

The basic plot of the film follows the Wilson family, played by Winston Duke, Lupita Nyong’o, Shahadi Wright Joseph and Evan Alex, who get attacked by carbon copies of themselves hell-bent on destruction. These actors not only played the normal characters of Gabe, Adelaide, Zora and Jason, but also the murderous Abraham, Red, Umbrae and Pluto, respectively. Nyong’o’s performance stands above the rest, and the work of Peele to show the main cast the horror classics that influenced him the most, could very well end with an Oscar for both him and Nyong’o.

The scares in “Us” come from all angles.

Peele utilizes a mix of jump scares, graphic violence and creepy dialogue to startle, shock and unnerve viewers, and he never seems heavy handed while doing it. “Us” finds a way to build a sense of dread by sacrificing multiple jump scares for scenes where the impending danger is completely obvious to the audience, giving viewers just enough time to see what is about to happen but not enough for anyone on screen to react.

The soundtrack makes the movie that much scarier. One bloody sequence set to “Good Vibrations” and “Fuck the Police”

probably resulted in multiple movie goers nodding their heads to a brutally violent scene. Additionally, “I Got Five On It,” featured prominently in the trailer, gets slowed down and distorted later in the movie to remind you of the family car ride and the seemingly careless time when it was last heard.

Still of Madison Curry in “Us.”

Peele’s work in “Us” should assure those looking forward to the reboot of “The Twilight Zone” that the classic TV series is in good hands. What could have been a sophomore slump is instead reason for anyone who sees “Us” to have an incessant need to pre-order tickets to whatever film Peele decides to tackle in his third effort.

[SPOILERS AHEAD] Just to recap, because the ending and lore behind “Us” is a trip, the doppelgängers are called “tethered” and are souless shadows of real people created by the U.S. govern-

ment. At the end of the movie, after all the family’s tethered but Adelaide’s has been killed off, Red kidnaps Jason and forces Adelaide to follow her down into the underground where the tethered are forced to live.

Red taunts and lures Adelaide into a fight where she is greatly outmatched. However, Adelaide wins, and it is revealed that she

courtesy Monkeypaw Productions

was in fact the tethered. Instead of merely frightening a young Adelaide, she knocked her out and swapped places with her.

Though not an obvious twist, the “Thriller” t-shirt alluding at the plot-twist of Jackson as a zombie in the music video, Red’s ability to speak unlike the actual tethered and Adelaide’s erratic behaviour due to her non-human nature all act as signposts towards the big reveal at the end. There were many articles claiming that Peele was “the new Hitchcock” and then there were a few articles claiming that, no, “He’s the first Jor-

dan Peele.” However, I agree with the former to a point.

No, Peele is not working in a mostly unmapped area of film like Hitchcock, but the Master of Suspense could never have included the subtle commentary of “Us” or the explicit indictment of progressive racism in “Get Out.” But he is the next Hitchcock in that he truly understands what unnerves his viewers. He knows how to get at them in every way and does it successfully. He best exemplifies this in an interview when he was asked if the recent reupping of allegations against Michael Jackson would have made him dial back references to the King of Pop in “Us.” Peele’s response was that, given the chance to remake the film today, he would “include a few more [“Thriller”] shirts.” If “Get Out” showed us how he could unnerve us while focusing more on social currents than suspense, then “Us” flips that script while using both methods.

Another incredible thing the movie does is subvert expectations. The trailers marketed “Us” as a nearly bare-bones home invasion film. The doppelgängers looked to be the only twist. Instead, Peele creates a conspiracy theory come true that focuses on one family and their intricate role in its happening. Yes, part of that bigger context begins to break when too many questions are asked, but many parts are left unexplained entirely. These parts might be the most unsettling because maybe there aren’t answers. Peele uses ambiguity in “Us” because he understands that those unexplained things we see on the news all of the time might be some of the scariest things we see or read about.

Overall, the movie works as so many different forms of horror, and Peele has now made movie goers check twice every time they look in a mirror. Everyone should see the movie and be prepared to see anything else Peele decides to make.

Variety

1 April 2019

The Collegian: 5

Remakes are bad and I’ll say it

Remake culture is actively hurting the film industry and brings nothing to the table.

Anna Johns Apprentice Editor

I accept my role with open arms: I am an old man. I will totally shake my fist at any youngster having any semblance of fun as I mutter my repurposed bah humbug. I have been caught in the act of staring at my old copy of “Heathers” with reverence, longing for the time I was free from my shackles of regret and embarrassment — namely, before that “Heathers” TV series that came out last year.

I understand why we have been churning out so many remakes.

After all, if it worked once, it’ll probably work again, right? There are definitely successes that have shown this a worthwhile theory, like “A Star Is Born” or “Ocean’s Eleven.” Still, there are definite obstacles in front of any remake, like the viewer’s expectations and love of the original film.

These days the entertainment industry churns out the same franchises over and over instead of taking meaningful risks. That isn’t to say that every remake hasn’t tried to offer something more imaginative; the 2016 remake “Ghostbusters” attempted a more

LeFou in the remake of “Beauty and the Beast” was canonically gay.

courtesy Walt Disney Pictures

“The entertainment industry churns out the same franchises over and over instead of taking meaningful risks.” progressive image as it used female main characters. However, it was largely seen as a flop, doing the bare minimum to discredit pre-

release criticisms. Even Disney’s 2017 remake of “Beauty and the Beast” gave a new twist in its storytelling: revealing the sexuality of Gaston’s henchman LeFou.

So why doesn’t every remake offer something new to the table?

The short answer is that they don’t have to. Any remake of a cult classic or a previously beloved film

will garner an audience. That nostalgia factor alone is enough to make a profit. The algorithm is one that works — there’s a pre-existing fan base, and with that comes a draw to the movies. Still, nostalgia is a double-edged sword. While it draws viewers in, there is an unspoken expectation that a remake will be superior to its predecessor.

Without any semblance of greater quality, many remakes have largely failed.

Ultimately, the current production of films relies on the fumes of the past. There’s something about these movies that just feels safe.

In a world with overflowing creative content of all kinds, the pool should be larger. From webcomics to historical events to thousands of novels, there are definitely untapped sources of stories available.

There’s no excuse for falling back on shamelessly remaking films and beating the proverbial dead horse.

Maybe I’m an elitist. Maybe I hate it when people are having fun.

Maybe I’m tooting my diamondencrusted clown horn with all of this. But the point remains: there is something completely uninspired with the way the entertainment industry pours out these remakes.

With a massive unexplored creative world at our fingertips, it’s time for us to bring something new to the table.

Hogue Gallery hosts student exhibition The 51-year tradition continued, this year with new awards to highlight student art.

Piper Prolago Apprentice Editor In an annual juried exhibition of undergraduate and graduate student art, the Gussman has succeeded in encouraging young artists for over five decades. This exhibition, housed in the Alexander Hogue Gallery, opened on March 28 and will be on display until April 18.

This year, Jessica Borusky, artistic director of Living Arts of Tulsa and visiting professor at TU, juried the exhibition.

The Gussman Exhibition originated 51 years ago when Herbert Gussman and former chair of the School of Art, Design and Art History Brad Place came together to plan the show. With this, students were able to gain experience by being juried by prominent figures in the art world. Further, this annual exhibition provides an opportunity to celebrate the accomplishments of TU student artists.

Borusky attended the awards ceremony to discuss the achievements of the students involved and her inspiration in selecting pieces.

In her Juror’s Statement, Borusky highlighted the significance of personal and individual expression that underscored her appreciation of the works selected. Students, she describes, are “vying to generate a distinct voice within new material methods.”

Beyond selecting works that presented this distinct voice, Borusky described looking to presentation of the aesthetics as a distinguishing quality. Certain student artists “highlighted the work and helped to defend the artistic and conceptual integrity of the work.” In this way, Borusky brought her curatorial experience to her decisions regarding which students most effectively presented their ideas in ways that could engage viewers and create an experience within the gallery.

At the opening on Thursday, March 28, numerous awards were presented to students working in various mediums. These awards were given to graduate and undergraduate students. The first award was presented by First Lady of TU Paula Clancy. She personally selected works from 10 students to be displayed at Skelly Mansion for nine months. These students will attend a tea party where they will introduce and discuss their works.

This year, a new award was added by Adjunct Professor of Digital Illustration Josh Butts. Butts, a TU alumnus, created an award for the best digital illustration that grants the recipient a $1,000 scholarship.

Butts conceived of this award in honor of the legacy of Professor Glenn Godsy. He recalled taking classes from Godsy and reflected on his “method of instruction and personal investment.” The award for best digital illustration was given to Chay Schmidt for his illustration “Anna.”

Additional awards were presented by donors, such as the James Jones family and Nen and Nancy Clark in memory of their daughter who loved art and art history. Borusky selected four un-

Paintings by Emily Hammond.

TJ Treece’s digital media piece, winner of Best in Show.

dergraduate and four graduate students, as well as a “Best in Show” piece. Katie Norton, a student photographer, received the first place undergraduate award in addition to the award for Outstanding Senior.

Professor Valero, the director of the School of Art, Design and Art History, awards this to a student that “embodies everything that we are.”

First place for graduate students was awarded to Sam Kennedy, whose mixed media sculptures were featured in the exhibition.

While the Best in Show award is generally awarded to a graduate student, Borusky chose undergraduate TJ Treece’s digital media submissions for this year’s recipient.

The Gussman Juried Student Exhibition provides a platform for student artists to showcase their talents and gain valuable experience. Out of about 300 submissions, 100 were chosen to be displayed. Borusky’s choices and input, combined with the efforts of these talented art students, has created a diverse and engaging exhibition with varied subjects, mediums and messages.

Gussman t-shirt designed by Elisa Vandersloot.

Painting by Nick Hill.

photos by Piper Prolago

Sports

The Collegian: 6

1 April 2019

MLB regular season preview: AL edition

Editor-in-Chief Justin Guglielmetti offers a comprehensive team-by-team preview for the upcoming regular season of American League baseball.

AL East New York Yankees: The Bronx Bombers shocked the sports world by choosing not to pursue Bryce Harper or Manny Machado, but part of the reason might be that they already boast a stacked lineup and one of the deepest benches/ minor league pipelines in MLB.

than the Titanic, an injured (and probably washed) second baseman in Dustin Pedroia and first base manned by Mitch Moreland, whose disastrous summer collapse underscored the fact that he probably shouldn’t have gotten an All-Star berth for the only aboveaverage half of his career.

Stroman and Aaron Sanchez return to form, which means this year is all about how long it will take the Jays to call up the most hyped prospect since Bryce Harper.

Guerrero has already demonstrated the flair and all-around game that made his father must-see TV, which combined with Kevin Pil-

sembling an MLB-caliber outfield and have an inconsistent, highstrikeout, high-walk bullpen that seems custom-made for sending their fans into cardiac arrest. These are major concerns that the Indians need to address should they hope to make some noise in October, but the rest of this division is so

awaited MVP potential alongside stud third baseman Alex Bregman.

The addition of Michael Brantley in left field, the ’Stros’ weakest position last year, should help as well.

Los Angeles Angels: Sometimes, you just feel it in your gut.

The Angels have done almost noth-

“Coming off one of the greatest seasons in the annals of the sport, it may seem like sacrilege to peg the Sox as a Wild Card team.”

A year after winning 100 games despite enduring injuries to Aaron Judge and Gary Sanchez, maddeningly inconsistent production from Giancarlo Stanton and only three viable starters for most of the season, the Yankees come into 2019 retooled at every position.

Health could be a concern again, with staff ace Luis Severino

Of course, these and some minor bullpen issues are ultimately minor qualms next the team’s topend talent. Watch out for flamethrowing Nathan Eovaldi, who could ride the momentum from his legendary postseason run to a long-awaited breakout.

Tampa Bay Rays: Nobody is quite sure how the anonymous

graphic by Conner Maggio

American League rankings by division.

expected to be out with a rotator cuff injury until May and shortstop Didi Gregorius missing the first half of the season recovering from Tommy John surgery. But New York has the top-end bats,

lar’s Superman catches and Stroman’s five-foot-seven-ness should make for decent viewing even in their mediocrity.

Baltimore Orioles: On the one hand, no team since 1939 has had two sub-50-win seasons in a row.

Chris Davis is bound for some positive regression after possibly the worst individual season in his-

players on the Rays managed to win 90 games last year, and for that very reason, we can’t count them out in 2019. Late bloomer Tommy Pham looked like one of the best players in MLB after his

tory and the team is starting the year completely healthy. On the other, the Orioles traded away their two best players — Machado and Jonathan Schoop — at last year’s trade deadline and have ex-

bad that it almost doesn’t matter.

They could probably waltz into the playoffs with something as low as 85 wins.

Minnesota Twins: The addition of Nelson Cruz and a full season from the K-less wonder Willians Astudillo should help boost Minnesota’s mediocre offense. But if the Twins want to emerge as a true challenger in the AL Central, they’ll need their youngsters to reverse the trajectory of their stalled development.

That means Jose Berrios has to become a true ace, Miguel Sano can’t hit .199 and newly-jacked Byron Buxton must perform as something more than a defensive specialist. Certainly not an impossible expectation but also not something to count on from a team that’s been letting its fans down for the majority of the decade.

Chicago White Sox: Despite the fact that they reside in the third biggest metropolitan area in the United States, the South Siders decided to adopt a small market identity and not pursue Manny Machado. I guess they trust that Yoan Moncada will finally pick up a baseball bat and stop strolling to the plate with a stringless tennis racket in hand.

The White Sox look like total garbage for the third year in a row.

At least fans will get to see the debut of phenom Eloy Jimenez, who has the talent to develop into a superstar.

Kansas City Royals: As most of baseball has embraced the launch angle revolution and sent leaguewide power numbers skyrocketing, the Royals have decided to steer in the opposite direction.

With speedsters Whit Merrifield, Adalberto Mondesi and Billy Hamilton in the starting lineup, along with pinch runner extraordinaire Terrance Gore on board, Kansas City could boast the entire top half of the steals leaderboard by season’s end.

That is, assuming those guys can actually get on base. With awful pitching and no exciting prospects waiting in the wings, the 2015 World Champs will struggle to reach even 70 wins. Detroit Tigers: If healthy, Miguel Cabrera hasn’t quite hit Pujols territory yet and should still be a perfectly adequate major league hitter. Nick Castellanos could hit 30 homers with the right batted ball luck. And uuuuhhh, Jordan Zimmermann used to be good about four years ago. That’s all I’ve got — I don’t even recognize most of the names on the Tigers’ major league roster.

AL West Houston Astros: There’s nothing very exciting to report here, as

ing to inspire confidence for pretty much the entirety of Mike Trout’s tenure with the team, but I’ve got the sense that a historic season is coming from the Millville Meteor after signing his record extension.

Shohei Ohtani is a huge posthype sleeper, a budding star who most casual fans seem to think is missing the entire season just because he’s not pitching. Former defensive specialist Andrelton Simmons has become one of the most complete and exciting players in baseball. Starters Andrew Heaney and Tyler Skaggs, with new closer Cody Allen, highlight a rock-solid if spectacularly unsexy pitching staff. It won’t be easy getting there, but I’m envisioning the second Wild Card seed and a door-die trip to Boston for the Halos.

Oakland Athletics: Ranking the A’s third and predicting that they won’t factor much in the playoff picture might feel a little harsh for a team that just won 97 games, and there is still a lot to like in Oakland. Defensive god Matt Chapman put up one of the sneakier 8+ WAR seasons in recent memory. Khris Davis’s average has remained stagnant (.247 for four seasons in a row!) but his batting eye and consistency have steadily improved. Blake Treinen is one of the best relievers in MLB. I just don’t feel comfortable betting on a team trotting out Mike Fiers as its number one, which will be the case until Sean Manaea returns after the All-Star break. Oh, and Kyler Murray isn’t walking through that door.

Seattle Mariners: Ichiro Suzuki’s touching farewell in Japan could end up being a seminal moment in baseball history, but it’s about the only thing Mariners fans will get to enjoy this season.

Having the longest current postseason drought in the game (17 seasons) didn’t deter Seattle from selling the farm in the offseason, as they shipped off Robinson Cano, James Paxton, Jean Segura and superstar closer Edwin Diaz for prospects and contract relief.

Edwin Encarnacion will help fill some of those gaping lineup holes (Nelson Cruz left in free agency and Kyle Seager begins the year on the IL) and Mitch Haniger is in for an All-Star season that should help prop the M’s out of the cellar. You just can’t anticipate much more than that.

Texas Rangers: Joey Gallo is a Three True Outcomes god and an absolute joy to watch; he’s either looking ridiculous whiffing on a hanging curveball with that big loopy swing of his or launching the same meatball 500 feet into orbit. Unfortunately, baseball is a

“The Angels have done almost nothing to inspire confidence for pretty much the entirety of Mike Trout’s tenure with the team ...” a more complete rotation headed by newcomer James Paxton and one of the most talented bullpens in league history to weather the storm.

Boston Red Sox: Coming off one of the greatest seasons in the annals of the sport, it may seem like sacrilege to peg the Sox as a Wild Card team. Chris Sale is the favorite to win the Cy Young that has long eluded him, Mookie Betts just won a deserving MVP over Mike Trout in his prime and J.D. Martinez is a legit Triple Crown threat. Take a closer look though and you will find an infield in peril: a left side with more leaks

trade from St. Louis and should be an All-Star.

Centerfielder Kevin Kiermaier is a defensive wizard. Freaking Blake Snell (who I’d wager the average baseball fan has never heard of) is the reigning Cy Young winner, even though the underlying sabermetrics indicate he is in for major regression.

Expect another fun, weird season from Tampa Bay, complete with more relievers-startinggames shenanigans.

Toronto Blue Jays: Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. is the only thing that matters. Toronto has no shot at the postseason even if starters Marcus

actly one decent arm in their entire pitching staff: a 28-year-old middle reliever named Mychal Givens who will be testing the pressured waters of the closer role for the first time. Oh, and this is still the hardest division in the game.

Buckle up, O’s fans — it’s going to be ugly.

AL Central Cleveland Indians: Corey Kluber, Carlos Carrasco and Trevor Bauer lead the best starting rotation in the AL. Cleveland boasts two MVP candidates on the left side of their infield in Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor. They also lack anything even remotely re-

the Astros look poised to convincingly claim their third consecutive division crown. None of Houston’s free agency losses, which included 2017 World Champion mainstays Dallas Keuchel, Charlie Morton and Marwin Gonzalez, should make much of a dent given the team’s unparalleled roster depth. Justin Verlander and Gerrit Cole are still terrifying, legit aces.

The bullpen is loaded with a number of wipeout options for every situation.

Offensively, the lineup should be even better in 2019, as a healthy Carlos Correa will look to break out and finally fulfill his long-

sport where one player can only make so much difference, and even if Gallo were Babe Ruth in his prime, he wouldn’t be able to save the rest of this roster. Run down the list of names — Asdrubal Cabrera, Lance Lynn, Shelby Miller, Elvis Andrus, Edinson Volquez — and it looks like a laundry list of washed-too-soon veterans who peaked as youngsters in the early 2010s. That’s not a great look for the great state of Texas.

1 April 2019

Sports

The Collegian: 7

Softball tames Tigers in series sweep

Sports photographer James Taylor captures the action from TU’s 12-5 victory over the University of Memphis on Sunday.

photos by James Taylor

Men’s tennis sends Roadrunners packing Sports photographer James Taylor documents the excitement of the Tulsa men’s tennis team’s 5-2 victory over UTSA on Sunday.

photos by James Taylor

Sports

The Collegian: 8

1 April 2019

League of Legends voting system flawed Esports expert Andrew Noland argues against the subjectivity of giving a Most Valuable Player award to an individual LoL player.

The regular season of the League Championship Series (LCS) Spring Split has drawn to a close, and awards season is in full swing. The Most Valuable Player, like in any sport, will be both the most controversial and the most subjective of the accolades. Hot take alert: the award is a waste of time in League of Legends for a plethora of reasons.

The first is that all MVP awards are inconsequential to the players that win. Why? Because no player, except for the few with the most inflated egos, cares about winning the best player award if they lose the championship. Winning the award while winning the title can mean everything; proving yourself as the most skilled player on the championship team is a remarkable achievement. Being the best player in the league, but on a team that does not win the championship, does not erase the fact the MVP is a loser. It’s that simple.

In League of Legends, winning as a team is the only thing that matters. Only the winner of the Spring Split travels to the MidSeason Invitational; only success in the postseason racks up points to travel to Worlds. This isn’t accomplished by a single player, but rather through the synergy of the team. Players perform specific functions that don’t translate from

team to team. Golden Guardians top laner Hauntzer is versatile, capable of playing both carries and tanks depending on what his team asks of him. On the other hand, the winner of the 1st Team All Pro Top Laner, Licorice, plays almost exclusively carries.

There is an analogous trend in athletic sports. The Heisman Trophy and the NFL MVP will likely go exclusively to quarterbacks and running backs until the end of time, although both awards claim they are rewarding the best player of the season. The voters, journalists, coaches, teams, past winners and even other players claim that the legitimacy of their vote comes from statistics. James Harden will likely win the NBA MVP because his point hauls are historically ludicrous. The fact is that it’s much easier to identify and praise offensive players over struggling to discern the best defensive players.

League of Legends functions in the same way. Carry players are much flashier and their plays spark greater public attention. It’s why they’ll win the MVP every time. CoreJJ, Team Liquid’s support, is the overwhelming favorite to win this spring because of his engage supports early in the split.

Aphromoo, 100Thieves’ support, won a year ago for the same reason. Mid laners (in the same way

quarterbacks are the perennial winner of MVP) win because they are traditionally designated to play exclusively mages and assassins to provide consistent damage and overwhelm the mid and late game.

Attack Damage Carries (ADC) are the same.

But even within the mid lane, some players produce varying interpretations within that mold. TL Jensen picks champions that simply stabilize the lane; TSM Bjergsen chooses roaming, mid-game champions to dictate the tempo of the mid to late game; C9 Nisqy plays control mages that dominate teamfights. Do voters decide they’re the best based on how they perform within their own selfcarved space in the mid lane role or as mid laners as a whole?

Even choosing the criteria for an MVP can be next to impossible.

If voters hand it to the best player, Bjergsen or Doublelift would win every split. Another school of thought is to break down the best teams and imagine how they would succeed without a certain player.

As an example, if Licorice was removed from C9, would Cloud9 be in second place? The answer is likely no, but no one knows how Licorice would play on any other team. The same fallacy would contradict what viewers have wit-

nessed with Ssumday, a top laner that has performed excellently despite being trapped on the tenth place 100Thieves.

The most objective choice is prioritizing the all-pro team, while throwing away the outdated concept of an MVP. In other words, voters should try to imagine the most optimal team from the play-

ers’ performances. This allows voters to draft the best players and also highlight their specific playstyles and how well they play to that model.

It honors a wide array of players and rewards often overlooked roles. Will this be done? No. But a man who wants less vitriol in the world can dream.

courtesy Martin Larsson

Martin “rekkles” Larsson, 2018 MVP.

Strong track performances in three-meet week Tulsa Hurricane details the Golden Hurricane’s highlights in the Mike Fanelli Track Classic, Stanford Invitational and ORU Invitational.

TULSA, Okla. – The University of Tulsa track and field team wrapped up its packed weekend, as the team completed its showings at the Mike Fanelli Track Classic, Stanford Invitational and ORU Invitational on Saturday.

In the first and only time in the outdoor season the team will split for three meets, the Golden Hurricane made the most of its lone opportunity.

One of the best TU marks of the weekend came by way of Caitlin Klopfer, who represented Tulsa in the women’s 10,000 meters at the Stanford Invitational. Klopfer managed a massive PR, running the race in 33:51.85 for the No. 2 time in outdoor school history.

Robert Tully also represented the Hurricane well in California, running to the tune of 3:49.81 for a personal-best time and fourth overall in a packed 1,500-meter field at the Mike Fanelli Track Classic.

Tulsa made another strong splash in the 5,000 meters at the

Mike Fanelli Track Classic, as Peter Lynch and Isaac Akers went 2-3 in their heat. Lynch tallied a 14:18.87 for a PR, while Akers was right behind in 14:21.70.

Closer to home at the ORU Invitational, the Golden Hurricane took home four event titles in the crosstown meet.

TU swept the 3,000-meter steeplechase, as Reed Sahadevan (9:32.38 PR) and Katharina Pesendorfer (11:03.19) picked up golds in the event. Shortly after, Mark Middleton notched a 4:04.29 to clinch the 1,500-meter title.

In the men’s 400-meter hurdles, Henry Visser and Emmanuel Okwuone earned a 1-2 finish, tallying season bests in 53.57 and 54.63, respectively. Redshirt-senior Mark Middleton tallied the fourth and final gold for Tulsa on the weekend, winning the 1,500 meters at the ORU Invitational in 4:04.29.

TU closed out the weekend on a high note, taking silver in both the men’s and women’s 4x400-meter relays in 3:19.78 and 3:52.11.

With a slew of personal-best marks and strong performances now under its belt, the Tulsa track and field squad will take the week

to rest before returning to Fayetteville, Arkansas, on April 12-13 for the John McDonnell Invitational.

For all Tulsa track and field

news and information, visit TulsaHurricane.com. Be sure to follow the team on Twitter and Facebook.

courtesy Tulsa Hurricane

Caitlin Klopfer high fives a coach during the ORU Invitational.

15

Apr. 1 - Apr. 7

Monday

Tuesday 1

No Events

Wednesday 2

M Tennis vs. Memphis 2 p.m.

3

Softball vs. Kansas 5 p.m.

Thursday 4

6

5

Softball vs. Houston 5 p.m.

No Events

Saturday

Friday

Rowing @ Sunshine State Invitational

W Tennis vs. Temple 10 a.m.

Softball vs. Houston 2 p.m.

Rowing @ Sunshine State Invitational

Sunday 7

Softball vs. Houston 12 p.m.

M Tennis vs. Temple TBA

1 April 2019

Improve TU

The Collegian: 9

14 suggestions to improve the University of Tulsa

This year marks the Collegian’s sixth annual Improve TU issue. In the past, this issue has been used to affect real change on TU’s campus.

From suggestions in our 2014 issue, Campus Connection became a far less clunky Portal, events hosted by student organizations now rely less heavily on studentsfronting the cost, the McFarlin computer lab was upgraded, a bulletin board was placed in the Student Union, course evaluation due dates were pushed to more reasonable times and the commuter lounge was replaced and updated.

From 2015, students became more politically engaged, dining dollars donations to those in need was implemented and domestic minority outreach increased with the hiring of Jacqueline Caldwell as vice president for diversity and engagement.

From 2016, our recycling bins became easier to access, SA made real efforts to engage students during election time and there became no question about our right to hang in a hammock.

From 2017, the course evaluation link went from being underpublicized to being the first pop up when you log onto a library computer, McFarlin received a 24-hourstudy lounge and gender-neutral bathrooms were added across campus.

From 2018, a course in Tulsa history was offered for undergraduate students.

We are not so presumptuous to believe The Collegian is solely responsible for these changes. They are the result of students making their opinions heard in a variety of ways, not only through the paper but through direct appeals to SA and the administration. As students we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. It may be a cliche, but we are agents of change. Keep up the good work.

#1: Attendance policies should reflect course content

Students should want to come to class because of the quality of the lecture, not because of an arbitrary attendance policy.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor We’ve all been there: the syllabus says that any more than two absences will result in a penalty of however many points or even a dropped letter grade. Sometimes the penalties are enumerated, and sometimes they’re left as a vague threat, and sometimes there’s no number of excused absences on the syllabus, just a note on the importance of coming to class.

That’s fair and fine. Nothing is worse than presenting to an empty classroom, and professors deserve our respect. But the course content itself doesn’t always warrant my undivided, dedicated attention every single class.

Simply put, if I can get an A in a class while regularly missing lectures, my attendance was clearly not strongly correlated with my understanding of the material.

That’s not to say that I, and students like me, don’t put in the work outside of class to get good grades. It’s just that I can learn the material on my own.

My grade shouldn’t suffer because I found it more efficient to do the coursework on my own time. If a professor wants me to be in class, the class should be worth coming to.

was offering insights into the subject that would help me succeed.

Some classes, however fun and interesting, are still superfluous. I can get the same education from doing the readings and the assignments. Missing the lecture maximizes my schedule. I have work, clubs, chores to do and errands to run. Why should I go to an hour-long class when I can catch up on the material in 30 minutes and do my laundry at the same time?

Instead of penalizing students for try-

“My grade shouldn’t suffer because [it was] more efficient to do the coursework on my own time.”

There should be real stakes in missing the lecture that amount to something more than just the professor not liking it.

I’ve had several courses in which I tried my best to attend every session. Skipping was reserved for disasters like migraines or flat tires, things that honestly barred me from making it to the class. Otherwise, I would be in that seat every single day, taking notes and listening intently to my professor and peers. But those lectures were dynamic. There was information that couldn’t be extracted from the texts we read alone.

It didn’t matter how engaging or boring the class was because I knew that the professor

ing to be as efficient as possible, professors should rethink their absence policies, at least for courses that they feel necessitate attendance. Professors should take attendance each period. Classes that average below an acceptable range should be evaluated. Why are students not coming? What does the class really offer in person that the reading doesn’t? Are the essays and tests too easy to accurately reflect the coursework and the class sessions? If there’s a mismatch in there, then professors can adjust their approach as needed.

Obviously, some courses will always need strict attendance policies. Languages,

for instance, are about practice — but language classes are not usually the ones that students feel comfortable skipping anyway.

Seminar classes that rely heavily on student participation also require a high attendance rate. However, if students are skipping frequently in discussion-based classes, it’s still worth evaluating why that is happening. Are the students respectful? Do they stay on topic? I know I and several of my peers often complain that students often use these spaces to talk about their personal experiences rather than what I actually came to class to discuss.

Professors should be open to feedback and willing to steer a conversation back to its main point when the discussion is no longer useful. Small adjustments like this would already improve the quality of the course and thus boost attendance rates.

It’s frustrating to be in a class for the sole reason that I need to attend to maintain my GPA. I imagine it’s also frustrating for professors to look at their students and see blank faces and empty seats. But the problem isn’t usually student laziness. TU is full of smart, capable young adults. The colleges should respect that and offer courses worth our time instead of punishing us for making the rational choice and skipping out on wasted time.

#2: Keep library open longer

McFarlin Library should remain open all day to give students a dependable place to study.

Andrew Noland Student Writer The university library needs to be open 24/7. As a student who often needs an escape from his room/apartment to get motivated to do homework, find a book for a 20page research paper due the next day or just find a quiet atmosphere to read, the fact that the library closes at all frustrates me.

Most universities have their libraries open at all times, and the idea that we can-

not keep the stacks and the reading rooms open year-round baffles me. In terms of running the building, students might be willing, like they used to do with front desks at the residence halls, to work the late hours to earn some money and study. In addition, keeping the coffee shop open, especially during the latter halves of each semester, can prove a great asset for students needing a quick snack and a burst of caffeine to make it through the home stretch of whatever project they may be finishing. I see many students read and do homework between assisting patrons, and the university loses an opportunity to provide its students an invaluable service.

Costs are certainly a concern, and with the university already beginning to deliver cuts across the board, the idea of the library staying open for a handful of students might seem wasteful. However, the library, on any university, serves as the center for learning, relaxing and studying on campus. It’s the first structure anyone sees on the brochures and represents what the Academy means for the public. TU should prioritize that message by keeping that symbol open 24/7.

McFarlin Library’s hours are often difficult to work around.

photo by Conner Maggio

#3: Explain importance of block courses in liberal arts curriculum a certain amount of English credit to graduate, and creative writing majors need to sit through a number of science courses to meet the core requirements.

That doesn’t sound so difficult or draining on the surface, but the block system has proven to be unpopular at TU. I’ve heard from multiple students that the block system has arbitrarily lowered their GPA, that it’s a

The block courses are an essential part of the university’s liberal arts education, but students often don’t know why the courses matter.

Emily Every Commentary Editor TU is a liberal arts school, meaning that its aim is to bring interdisciplinary critical thinking skills to its students. Inevitably, that means students will be taking classes outside of their major: geology majors need

This problem isn’t within the content of the classes: an introductory chemistry class is an introductory chemistry class, regardless of who’s taking it or why. Instead, there seems to a be a lack of academic integration on these subjects. Is the creative writing major being told how and why they should be studying chemistry, or are they just being put into the class without an interdisci-

“... the block system is viewed as just another set of hoops to jump through on a student’s way [to a] degree.” waste of time and that it unjustly increases the number of years that someone has to pay TU their tuition. In short, the block system is viewed as just another set of hoops to jump through on a student’s way to earn a bachelor’s degree. If the students aren’t getting much out of all these required classes, then there’s been a failure somewhere within the structuring of the block system.

plinary context? If the university is going to make a non-chemistry major take chemistry courses, the least it can do is put its focus on the liberal arts aspect of the block system.

This sort of interdisciplinary integration could be done quite easily, particularly in the sciences, by making non-major block courses. These courses would then focus on how the block course connects with other

disciplines. Don’t just drop someone into a block course without first establishing a greater narrative of the importance of communication and inspiration between academic disciplines. Explaining why something is important or, better yet, inspiring a student to widen their academic perspective is wildly different than simply marking certain courses as required blocks.

I know that the block system can work.

My roommate added an additional major in anthropology after taking a class in anthropology as a block course. However, I’ve heard many more complaints than excitement about the system. I know that’s partially because additional work is rarely fun, but TU needs to put in a bit more work to convince its students of its own curriculum’s importance. Liberal arts schools are built around this framework of critical thought across all majors. If the school fails to sell its own students on the interdisciplinary necessity of the liberal arts, then TU needs to reconsider its approach.

Improve TU

The Collegian: 10

1 April 2019

#4: Include email composition in college orientation classes

Just because writing emails seems like a basic skill, that doesn’t mean that everyone has mastered it.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor

We overuse the term “hot take,” but here’s one anyway: email etiquette should be taught in orientation classes.

It seems silly at first glance, because who doesn’t know how to write an email? But chances are, you don’t. And if you do, your friends might not.

I know this because I’ve worked on and off campus, and the difference in email quality is staggering. Students will use emojis in emails to me about serious problems, or not use their names in an email, forgetting that their email address does not include their name, either. And those are only the most frequent problems, not the worst.

A good email can unlock doors for you.

It leaves someone with a good impression, and they might be more willing to give you the benefit of the doubt or extra help later on. It gets a message across succinctly so you don’t waste time. That is, by the way, incredibly helpful when you’ve got 50+

emails and you just need to know what’s happening in as few words as possible.

A bad email is a level of hell reserved for the worst kind of snappy, mullish bureaucrat. When the information isn’t there, or it’s confusing, it takes a handful of emails longer to sort out. It leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth when the first email doesn’t have a greeting or salutation — because, really, you’d say hello and goodbye to someone in person, and it’s just polite to use your greetings when you’re showing up in someone’s inbox.

Students need to know the rules for emails, and more important, they need to know why those rules exist. Orientation classes are the perfect place to explain email etiquette. Students haven’t yet started sending the bulk of the emails they’ll send in college.

They’ve got time to learn and ask questions. Best yet, they’re usually too intimi-

dated to skip orientation classes, so they’re a captive audience.

The lesson would ideally go over the parts of an email you should include, the things you shouldn’t and a few extra tips that aren’t taught as often but are just as important: for instance, learning how to summarize what you’re asking for or trying to convey as clearly as possible to someone who has no idea who you are or what you want, or asking for things assertively but not aggressively. There’s a nuance to writing emails, like any other form of communication. It would only take a class period or two to cover the basics, but the lesson will be applicable for years to come.

It’s frustrating to be told you don’t know how to write an email. Worse than that, though, is finding out that you’ve been the bane of email recipients everywhere and lost out on some pretty cool stuff because of it.

Congratulations to the following students who have been elected to membership in

Phi Beta Kappa

America’s Oldest and Most Prestigious Academic Honor Society Founded in 1776 Shianne Jocelyn Andrew Grace E. Barrett Emily Katherine Carter Claire Nichols Chapman Alyssa F. Clinard Olivia Nicole Darr Bansri K. Doshi Logan Tyler Ellis Rebekah Brooke Foster George Roger Frank Jeremy Trevor Garrison Jade Vanessa Johnson

Margaret Jane Johnson Kathryn Lynn King Caitlin R. Klopfer Cassandra Leigh Meador Grant Thomas Morey Parker Talmadge Morrison Erhan O. Sarica Eleni Marie Schmitt Megan R. Sinik Muriel Faith Unseth Julia Victoria Waldman Kristin A. Wells James Robert Yanik

Phi Beta Kappa’s initiation ceremony will take place on Friday, May 3, 2019 at 5:30 p.m. in Sharp Chapel.

Improve TU

1 April 2019

The Collegian: 11

#5: Better grad school preparation #6: Schedule more night classes

Counseling students through the application process is an essential service that the school does not currently provide.

Andrew Noland Student Writer Before I even knew I planned on attending the University of Tulsa, I knew that I wanted to go to graduate school. Ask Dr. Hindman — I pestered him about it before

training in Latin and Ancient Greek for the school to even consider me.

It’s a financial and educational investment that many students are not aware they might have to make. Political science is a similar situation: at TU, all of the political science professors emphasize qualitative over quantitative methods. To the unaware, which included me, the field of political science is turning quickly into a glorified statistics conference, and I found myself left out in the cold this time around in applying, not to mention down $1,200.

My point for this is not to relay my bitter frustrations at the University of Tulsa.

My advisors did the very best they could, but they have been out of the application process for graduate schools for decades.

Students who plan on pursuing graduate degrees in programs outside of TU need to have structures in place to assist them so that my mistakes are not repeated in other students’ careers.

“We need counselors to guide them through the steps they need to consider ...”

I even finished my application. But I never knew how overwhelming and complicated the process actually is. You need to be prepared before you even know that you plan on pursuing graduate study.

Take history as an example. As a student leaving this May with a certificate in classical studies, I was interested in ancient history as an option for graduate school. However, I found out way too late that, at least for this past year, I needed extensive language

We need counselors to guide them through the steps they need to consider, direct them to appropriate classes to open up their options and help students find programs across the country that align with their interests.

Students who are exceptionally trained and prepared for the graduate process can help resurrect the university’s reputation nationally as an academic institution and potentially attract even more students for TU.

Night classes take place outside of regular business hours, opening up student schedules.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor We’ve all been there: the perfect class that you’ve been wanting to take is only offered when you’re at work, in club meetings or have to take a different, high-priority class.

It’s tragic. It’s frustrating. Worse, sometimes that perfect class isn’t just perfect — it’s something you really need to take but won’t fit into your schedule.

On top of that, there’s so much that can only be done during business hours. It’s when you need to make and go to doctor’s appointments. It’s when you’ve got to pay bills and interview for jobs. It’s when the mechanic is available, or your professor can talk to you about a class.

Unfortunately, an overwhelming majority of classes are only offered during business hours. Night classes can be tough to get into. Even when they’re available and spots are open, there’s often only one or two options.

Night classes free up daytime hours for students to participate in internships or other work. It also makes time for students to study during the day, if that’s when they focus best. And plenty of people, myself included, work and learn best at night.

Additionally, it’s easier to go to a class just once a week and then portion out the necessary homework and study time as best fits your schedule. It’s one less thing to plan around during the week because the class is consolidated into a single night instead of being spread throughout the week.

I’ve needed to take more night classes as my schedule has filled up with jobs, career searching and extracurriculars. The relief that comes with knowing my schedule isn’t going to make me pass out from sleep exhaustion or stress is indescribable. It’s worth it for that alone to increase the number of night classes we offer.

It might be difficult to find professors that get excited about night classes. However, some adjuncts find that night classes fit their schedules better. Other professors also might just enjoy having more time during the day. It’s not an impossible issue to overcome, and it will improve the lives of many students.

Think about the opportunities of night classes: people can focus on topics for longer, if there are topics that just can’t be sectioned into one-hour chunks. There’s more time for nuanced class discussions that everyone can participate in. Presentations are easier because they take up fewer classes and are easier to schedule. And best yet, students with difficult schedules can take all of the classes they need.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Home economics is usually thought to be antiquated, but the skills are still relevant.

#7: Offer home economics classes in course schedule

Cooking, mending clothes and managing money are all important skills for college students.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor Home ec classes are more than reminders of a bygone era when women were expected to know how to make a flawless jello mold and darn socks. They teach young folks how to cook basic meals, how to keep their clothing in good shape and how to budget and run a household.

If you know how to do all of these things, good for you. If you don’t, no judgement.

It’s hard to learn skills without a chance to practice them. YouTube can only teach you so much, and it’s shit at troubleshooting your problems when you burn dinner for the fourth day in a row because, up to now, you’ve only ever eaten ramen and your family’s cooking.

These skills are about more than keeping your spouse happy. They’re about people of all genders learning to take care of themselves once they’re living away from their families. It’s wasteful to throw out every nice shirt you own when a button falls off.

It’s not practical to order food every night because you can’t cook for yourself. Ironing is a big part of making sure you’ll look nice at work, but it’s scary to try on your own.

Home ec should be expanded to include other important allegedly adult tasks, too, like jumping a car or changing a car tire.

These skills flex a person’s ability to plan ahead (no meal goes off without a hitch without a mise en place) and to react

calmly to frustrating situations (car troubles and frayed clothing become small inconveniences). Not knowing how to do some of the basic tasks covered in home ec can harm people personally and professionally when they don’t know how to react to or fix the situation.

Murphy’s Law is real: what can go wrong will go wrong at some point, and it’s only exacerbated when it goes wrong at the worst possible time. Thirty minutes before an interview is not the time to need to learn

The university could stand to test out a single home ec class to see if students will be as interested as I believe they would be.

The curriculum practically writes itself. Local professionals could come in for a single class to teach about a different topic that people would find useful, like a CPA giving a presentation on taxes.

There are a million ways students could benefit from learning a little more about the day-to-day minutiae that awaits them upon graduating rather than focusing solely on

“Not knowing how to do some of the basic tasks covered in home ec can harm people personally ...” how to fix a seam. Life skills also make people more considerate roommates and partners. People can help others eliminate daily stressors when they can offer to help cook dinner or make the pie their roommate needs to bring to a work potluck.

academic tasks. It would make TU a more well-rounded university with a stronger curriculum, and students would get a small break from considering abstract ideas to practice some hands-on and applicable knowledge

Improve TU

The Collegian: 12

1 April 2019

#8: Better meal plans and parking for commuters

Current meal and parking provisions prove inadequate for the large number of commuters on campus.

Hana Saad Apprentice Editor Let’s be real: being a commuter is not easy. The club for students who commute on campus might be friendly enough, but the activities they hold don’t change the difficulties that commuters have to face when they arrive on campus each day.

Students who commute actually make up a significant portion of the student body.

Cheyanne Wheat, Commuter Advocacy and Resource Society (CARS) president, informed me that 25 percent of undergraduate students are commuters.

She spoke about three of the major issues that commuters face: parking, feeling con-

nected with other students and finding affordable meals on campus. The affordable food issue is particularly frustrating, especially considering that most other colleges have meal plans in place for commuters.

There isn’t a meal program that is designed specifically for commuters. This means that these students have to get food from the Union or bring a packed lunch.

Wheat said that “a lot of commuters have full-time jobs” that make it difficult to plan for meals.

TU should make it a priority to create an affordable and sensible meal plan for commuters. As Wheat said, “It is ridiculous that we don’t have that.” If the university isn’t open to creating a meal plan, then they should consider designating a larger space that has a kitchenette for commuters to use during the day.

Wheat acknowledges that, for commuters, it can be “difficult to feel like you’re a part of campus” and that “a lot of commuters don’t go to TU events” because most of the events take place in the evening. Having a space that is comfortable and large enough to accommodate all of the commuters during the day would make it easier for them to relax and socialize with friends until events start.

Another major problem that commuters face is finding a place to park each morn-

ing. Some students can manage to snag a parking lot that is close to a majority of their classes, but others aren’t so lucky.

Many commuters are forced to park in the extra lots by the Reynolds Center, which is a good ten-minute walk from the main part of campus. Admittedly, that doesn’t sound like much, but on freezing or rainy days, it can be particularly painful to get from class to class, especially if the commuters are carrying with them all the supplies they need for the day.

Education Research, has shown that there is no correlation between a low GPA and commuting. But it is important to keep in mind that students generally do better when they feel connected and involved on campus. Although most commuters prioritize their studies, some students “acknowledged that a trip to the institution needs to be ‘worthwhile,’ thus students are making value judgements about the efficacy of attending,” according to a study on commuter engagement from the Student Engagement Partnership.

“There isn’t a meal program that is designed specifically for commuters.”

Students who choose to commute often do so because of financial reasons. After all, living in a dorm can be expensive. As a result, the university should ensure that they have access to safe and convenient parking while on university grounds.

Commuters deserve a designated place on campus to park that is close to the main buildings — that way, they don’t have to worry about parking while they are trying to get to class on time.

Recent research, such as a 2016 study published in the Journal of International

If TU is truly committed to creating an environment that is supportive of all its students, then those who commute should be given greater priority for parking and meal plans, as well as resources to make them feel more comfortable and welcome on campus.

CARS aims to make commuter students feel more welcome on campus by hosting special events. Wheat encourages any commuters, especially freshmen, to reach out to CARS at TUcommuters@gmail.com for advice on navigating campus.

photo by Conner Maggio

Many commuters end up parking in the Reynolds Center lot.

#10: Give vegetarians better options

Vegetarian options beyond veggies and tofu are lacking at TU, particularly at Pat Case.

Hana Saad Apprentice Editor

graphic by Conner Maggio A whole scheduled week of reading days would improve students’ abilities to prep for final exams.

#9: Extend reading days to a week

Two days off before finals is not enough time to write papers and adequately prepare for exams.

Andrew Noland Student Writer We are a major, nationally-ranked private university. TU has high quality professors and claims to be a liberal arts college, and the school therefore has a higher expectation concerning teaching. It adds up that we should be at least on par with both OU and OSU concerning reading days.

The University of Oklahoma gives its student body a week off, and professors at Oklahoma State are not allowed to have assignments be due on the week before finals.

With steadily climbing tuition and cost of living on campus, many TU students must work to keep up with payments in addition to the difficult school workload.

As a student of the A&S College, I admit that finals week is not as dire for me as it is for my colleagues in the College of Engineering and Natural Sciences. However, those students, whose grades often rely mostly on midterms and finals, deserve more time to review the material and succeed on cumulative exams that not only determine a grade but transition into further material for the next year.

If we’re still pretending we did not just get lambasted by the Higher Learning Commission and that our academic rigor is as high as the university claims it to be on our website, then we should get more than two days to grapple with exams and papers that determine our final grades.

Tofu.If there were one word to describe the vegetarian options at the University of Tulsa, that would be it. There’s nothing wrong with tofu, of course. It is a good source of protein, and when prepared well, it can be delicious.

The Pat Case Dining Center sometimes serves up excellent dishes that feature tofu.

But relying on it as the sole source of inspiration in a dish, day after day, can grow old.

Come on, Pat Case. You can do better.

No one expects gourmet options from the dining hall at TU. Even the options that include meat and animal products are not always satisfying. But at least those who eat dishes with animal products have multiple options each day for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Students at TU deserve healthy, nutritious dishes that include other protein sources like legumes. On the flip side, Pat Case should also consider serving vegetarian junk food

“The University of Oklahoma gives its student body a week off ...”

Pat Case consistently serves tofu as its vegetarian option.

every once in a while. Yes it can be more expensive, but it would surely be doable to serve it once a month, especially considering the amount of money that students put into the dining program.

The dining hall isn’t the only place that has inadequate options for vegetarians and vegans. The to-go meals available at the Student Union C-Store could also be expanded. Right now, the only vegetarian to-go meals are salads and pre-packaged peanut-butter sandwiches. There should be at least one more option for those who are on plant-based diets. Options like wraps or hummus roll-ups are healthy and would be easy to prepare.

As a result, vegetarians at TU often have to fall back on tasteless tofu or sadly prepared vegetables if they do not like the two choices being served at the vegetarian section in Pat Case. And for students who are following a vegan diet, the options are even smaller. They often have to eat merely vegetables and forgo a major protein source, as most of the vegetarian options offered include dairy or eggs.

Some might argue that vegetarians have made the choice not to eat meat and that they should accept the realities of that choice. But there are many affordable, nutritious vegetarian dishes that taste good.

There is no reason that the vegetarian options on campus should be so meager.

As it says on the Dining Services webpage, TU is committed to “keeping [their] students healthy and happy year-round.” If that is true, then they should make a greater effort to include more vegetarian options at both Pat Case Dining Center and the Student Union C-Store.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

1 April 2019

Improve TU

#11: Improve safety in U.S. West lot

Preventative measures must be taken to make the U.S. West parking lot safer for pedestrians.

Emma Palmer Variety Editor Picture this: It’s 9 a.m. on a Tuesday and you are strolling happily to class from your apartment that, while kind of nice, is still furnished by college students. You maybe have headphones in, you’re humming along to a song by Car Seat Headrest, or maybe Ariana Grande. Then, when walking through the parking lot, you look both ways, step out into the street and nearly get mowed over by a Lexus. Oh boy, is it a wake-up call.

All this goes to say that, over here in U.S. West apartments, we have a bit of a speeding problem. Drivers at ALL hours of the day will zip through the parking lot, even having drag races during people’s sweet sleeping hours. While pedestrians technically have right of way, the system becomes anarchy when people drive through our tiny parking lot at 30 mph. Most of the problemcausers are repeat offenders, and so far as I know, nothing has been done about it.

While the situation is no doubt a little funny, I do genuinely worry that someday, someone will get hurt. At a school where most people walk or bike to classes, there is too much possibility for both irresponsible and inattentive drivers to slip up — with devastating consequences. The parking lot of West is situated so that it can be hard to see incoming cars from a pedestrian’s perspective, and cars taking the time to be just a little more cautious around these places where both automobiles and pedestrians coincide should be a no-brainer.

As I type this out now, there is someone actively revving out of the parking lot like we live in “Tokyo Drift.” TU, I’m begging you — save us from this hell.

#13: Revise gym water bottle policy

Completely clear bottles are unnecessary; the Collins Fitness Center should allow a greater variety of water bottles inside.

Justin Guglielmetti Editor-in-Chief Of all the areas where TU could stand to see some improvement, I think we all know that the single most important one is the water bottle policy in the Collins Fitness Center. For those who don’t know what it is and want to hop on the righteous indignation bandwagon, the gym requires that “water bottles must be plastic, have a lid, and clear in color and composition.”

To put it bluntly, this is stupid. Next time you head over to shoot some hoops or curl in the squat rack, look at how many water bottles have been confiscated by the front desk. Chances are, you’ll see around a dozen that have been taken from patrons who just wanted to have ready access to hydration without having to walk over to the water fountain.

What exactly is the justification for not allowing perfectly clear plastic bottles? My guess is so that they can be 100 percent sure that people are only bringing water into the gym, but why should that be a big deal?

Most people don’t feel like throwing back a beer in the middle of their workout, so I’ll assume that the Collins staff is more concerned about energy drinks, which would be — gasp! — sticky if they spilled on the equipment. A valid concern, except that the vast majority of college students and at least 51 percent of professors are capable of taking a sip from bottles without dribbling all over themselves like a three-year-old.

Also, in the off chance of a spill, the staff could always, you know, clean it up. That seems like it would take about three seconds. Gyms in the real world are somehow able to overcome this problem all the time; I’m sure the bright minds of TU will be able to figure it out.

But if the fitness center is going to insist on water only, then for the sake of my sanity, they at least have to amend the policy and allow full-color translucent bottles. I own a green plastic Rubbermaid bottle that allows you to see the color of the liquid inside with perfect clarity. And yet whenever I make the crucial mistake of forgetting to hide the bottle in my backpack when I check in, it’s been snatched away from me by a student employee who seems as annoyed by the rule as I am. Just throw me this one little bone, Collins decision-makers — I promise it’s not vodka in there.

The Collegian: 13

#12: Keep library stocked with required texts

Professors should ensure that their texts for class are available for checkout in the library and that those books are on limited loan.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor Once, a professor of mine asked if anyone in his class would be using the library to read the books for his class. I raised my hand. It wasn’t a class where the texts were something I’d want to keep my whole life, or even to drop $100 on. No one else raised their hand, so my professor waved at me and said that he wouldn’t ask the library to put the books on a limited loan.

The library can loan out books for less than two weeks if a professor asks them to keep them on reserve. The books are usually kept behind the desk on the main library level where the first level of books are and can be checked out for an hour without leaving the library all the way up to a few days.

This allows students to use class-required books without taking them from their classmates for weeks at a time.

Someone else checked out the books and brought them to class. I had to go buy my own because the student wouldn’t return them before I needed to use them to write the essays.

This wasn’t the only time that a classmate has hoarded all the books for a class in a semester, but it was the only time I’ve had a professor address the topic. Yet professors

can’t know for sure that students will be polite with one another.

I know this is more work for professors.

But I don’t want to buy all of my books, and I don’t want to keep getting into situations where I am counting on saving money and can’t because no one else had the courtesy to return their in-demand books when they were done with them. Having books in the library, especially in the College of Arts and Sciences where the books are common and used for years, is a common-sense service that we could be offering to students.

Book sharing, too, isn’t always an option. Even if you do know someone willing to split the cost of books and work out a schedule to share them on, it’s a nightmare to do. What happens when you can only read a book after midnight and they need it the next morning? What happens when you both need it to write or study for the class?

Chaos, that’s what! It’s a bad time.

Students don’t always have the ability to purchase 13 books for a single class, nor the time to shop for bargains and compare prices between renting and buying. If the university were to provide the materials for classes, students are likely to be better prepared, earning better grades and frustrating professors less because they’ve actually done the readings.

I understand that this takes away some of the book sales for important authors in academia. There are ripple effects. But some students will always make sure to buy their own books because they want the book, or they just like marking up the pages. It won’t damage the academic book industry to help out students.

By utilizing the limited loan system, the university wouldn’t have to buy multiple copies of the books. And we already know that these books are worth having in our library because professors require them!

Clearly, they’re important books. Just as obviously, students need them. Why not have them on hand and make students’ lives easier at the same time?

Keeping class texts stocked in the library would benefit students.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

#14: Keep phones off during class

The use of phones distracts students and prevents meaningful class discussion.

Emma Palmer Variety Editor For the first time ever in my college career, I had a class this semester with a professor who didn’t tolerate cell phones.

I mean this in the most extreme of senses: like, point-blank would call people out for using their phone in any capacity. The class ended up being one of my favorite this year for that very reason. This was a discussionbased class, and even if people weren’t actively participating, we were all thoroughly engaged with the material. It made our quality of conversation relatively high and far more meaningful than it would have been if people had been checking out mentally, distracting themselves with their phones.

The thing is, it took a professor telling us literally to put the phone away to reach this point. And I don’t know that it should have to take that level of policing for us to take our education seriously as students. Look, I get it. Phones are distracting. We keep them

tethered to us and in our pockets. As smart phones have entered our lives on an increasingly prevalent level, it’s become harder to turn off that distraction. I’m still not great about it either. But I think it’s essential to be able to disconnect for even a short period of time. And while that’s not always possible — I get that there are jobs and parents and a thousand reasons to text back — there is a noticable difference between a class of people who are engaged with each other, and one where everyone is doing their own thing.

There’s going to be differences for everyone; putting the phone away is a caseby-case scenario. But the one thing that has helped me with that distracting buzz (and probably a lot of people have already done this, but I literally didn’t think about it until sophomore year) is just putting my phone on silent or airplane mode during class periods. The other thing that I think is helpful is getting a watch. Being able to check the time independent of your phone keeps you away from the temptation of responding to the next text.

I see this dangerous habit in both myself and other people in which I was stealing class time from myself by checking out and going to my phone as a knee-jerk reaction.

It’s become so common in our day-to-day lives that I don’t think I had ever considered its impact until I was forced by a professor to confront it. Being mindful of it has both enhanced my learning experience and helped me to disconnect more easily when not in the classroom.

@TUCollegian

tucollegian@tucollegian.org editor-in-chief

Justin Guglielmetti managing editor

Raven Fawcett news editor

Ethan Veenker sports editor

Brennen Gray variety editor

Emma Palmer commentary editor

Emily Every satire editor

Madison Connell photo & graphics editor

Conner Maggio

business & advertising manager

Brian Kwiecinski

social media & web manager

Sara Serrano

distribution managers

Jacob Lee Jesica Santino and Katelyn Baker copy editor

Bryant Loney

The Collegian is the student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters, except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law. Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, (918)631-2616. Requests for accomodation of disabilities may be addressed to the university’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Rigsby, (918)631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpeter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accomodations.

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The Collegian: 14

Commentary

1 April 2019

The Legislative Digest is your weekly look at the happenings of Oklahoma’s state legislature and the bills and politics you need to know.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor

We’re back from Spring Break and the legislature is still on its bullshit. While Oklahoma’s main governing body does important and often positive work, there is endless room for missteps and mistakes. Here’s a look at the bills that passed, for better or worse.

SR2: Senate Resolution 2 encourages “Congress to provide Medicare Part A and Part B to veterans” because there are serious concerns with their medical care at present. The legislature is right, but it’s frustrating to read anyway. Why do states have to ask Congress to do better by its citizens, especially citizens that were in the military? It’s bullshit, and a resolution, no matter how factually correct it is, seems to fall short of the real urgency of the request. Better healthcare deserves to be phrased as a demand, not a question.

HB2483: This bill restructures the board of Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services’ members and what pool they are selected from, as well as how the commissioner is appointed. The members of the board are no longer required to have backgrounds in specific kinds of health, stripping much of the use from these appointments. It’s likely that board members will still have suitable experience, but it was also likely that the president of the United States would have the necessary experience to run a country, and look how that worked out. Deregulation is not often as useful as we want it to be, and this seems like a poor move in a time where it’s increasingly important to have people we can trust to be knowledgeable about the organizations they reside over.

Discourse over Christchurch manifesto popularizes racist rhetoric

The shooter expected a reaction out of his manifesto; discussing its content only promotes his ideology.

Nathan Hinkle Student Writer On March 15, a mass shooting at a New Zealand mosque killed 50 Muslims while they gathered for prayer. In the aftermath of the shooting, a manifesto from the shooter came out in which he discussed the role that media personalities had on his radicalization. These individuals included U.S. President Donald Trump, members of Turning Point U.S.A., Charlie Kirk,Candace Owens and the popular YouTuber Pewdiepie. This manifesto was leaked to the press along with an video stream of the shooter committing the act. In response to the claim that she was a major cause behind the shooter’s attack on the mosques, Candace Owens responded with “LOL” on Twitter.

Due to this comment and current fears over the increase in mass shootings, a new question has risen about the effects that

ler just wanted to make Germany great and run well, OK, fine. The problem is that he had dreams outside of Germany. He wanted to globalize. He wanted everyone to be German.” These statements caused an uproar because they were interpreted as support of Hitler’s rise to power and Nazi control of Germany in the 1930s up to World War II. While these statements are caustic and should be heavily criticized, Candace Owens is being used as a pawn due to her heavily criticized statements. Her terrible speech may be partially to blame, but the shooter is using her as bait to stir up more controversy because she is in the public spotlight.

This theme of choosing popular criticized figures also continues through the shooter’s use of the online personality Pewdiepie. Currently, Pewdiepie has the highest subscribed channel on YouTube, which puts a spotlight on him as an important media figure, especially among adolescent males. This is further compounded by the many controversies that surround him. These include offhand racist outbursts, accidently showing racist propaganda through the showcase of other YouTube creators and many other events.

In addition, the comment “subscribe to Pewdiepie” from the manifesto bases itself on a faux internet conflict created by the creator and other individuals on YouTube.

We should monitor and speak out against dangerous and harmful speech, like that by Candace Owens, for its varying effects on individuals across the globe. However, it is important to be careful that in these incidents, distaste and discussion of these negative forms of media do not cause strife that

“By removing this individual from discussion, we limit [the shooter’s] power ...” media personalities have on the radicalization of mentally unstable individuals. While we should not disregard the effects of radical media on the population, the shooter’s manifesto is merely a call for attention from someone who has committed a terrible act.

By focusing heavily on this manifesto and spreading its message, the world is playing the game the shooter wanted. Therefore, time should be spent not on the killer’s motives but on what should be done to prevent future atrocities.

The individuals in the killer’s manifesto come from a variety of currently controversial media figures. For example, Candace Owens currently faces criticism over her comments at a political event. She made several remarks about nationalism in which she attempted to use Adolf Hitler as the difference between nationalism and a concept known as globalism. Owens stated, “If Hit-

Owens’ tweet has since been deleted.

plays into the hands of those who seek attention and conflict.

The shooter’s manifesto should be understood as a mentally unstable individual’s search for attention rather than a jumping off point for a discussion on the harms of media. By focusing on this shooter and his media-hungry message, we are not only doing what he wants — we are encouraging other individuals to commit similar crimes knowing that they will receive similar forms of attention.

By removing this individual from discussion, we limit his power and those who have similar goals. This helps produce a more free and open discussion where the effects of media can be more properly discussed to the benefit of everybody rather than benefiting the crazed views of a murderous individual.

courtesy Candace Owens

graphic by Conner Maggio Funding and legislation from the federal government can improve the industry without risking quality of content.

Journalism should be protected like any other public service

Governmental funding and regulation can ensure the industry’s continued existence.

Raven Fawcett Managing Editor When you’ve been robbed, you call the police. When you need to get somewhere close, you drive on roads or use public transportation. When you’re young, you attend school that is free, unless your parents choose to send you to a private school.

They’re all public services because they are vital to your wellbeing and general participation in modern society. Why should journalism be any different?

I know, it’s bold of me to say, in a newspaper, that journalism is on the same level of importance as a police force. But Mar-

as it has been historically, even when journalists report on government wrongdoing.

Government, after all, isn’t a monolith. Individuals work together to make decisions, heinous and helpful by turns. Journalism should elevate those who are helping the community and denounce those who tarnish its reputation and abuse its citizens.

I’m not suggesting that we incorporate a newspaper into the government. That would churn out propaganda, and we’ve certainly got enough of that floating around already.

Government could, though, protect newspapers through regulation. Newspapers are being cut across the country; jobs are disappearing, office buildings are being sold off and the business is in a vulnerable position.

Governments at every level should be pushing to protect remaining newspapers against this trend.

Further than legislation, government should act as if journalism were the public service it is. Newspapers deserve federal financial assistance in the same way that universities deserve funding. Journalism and higher education both serve to strengthen the U.S. by increasing the knowledge base of its citizens and connecting them with one another. And as the school model has already demonstrated, funding could be supplied without coming with undue restrictions.

“Newspapers deserve federal financial assistance in the same way that universities deserve funding.” shall McLuhan was right: the medium is the message. This is a newspaper, and it is providing you with an agora of sorts to hear debate, to learn about the world around you and to connect you with your community.

It shapes the conversations you’ll have today — whether that paper is The Collegian or The Washington Post, you’ll likely glean something of relevance from a respectable news source all the time.

That’s because newspapers serve the public good. They report on daily events, about how highway construction is going or the voter turnout in the last local election. They also investigate and uncover corruption, incompetence and gross negligence. People can skim a paper and make informed decisions about whom to vote for and what decisions companies and the government are making that will directly impact them.

But does the importance of a business mean that it should be funded by the government? Yes, yes it does. Not only is journalism a public service, treating it as such is feasible.

There is no reason for government to be as actively combative toward journalism

Ideally, newspapers funded in whole or part by government money would function solely as a deliverer of news. While I do appreciate opinion pieces, this would eliminate an obvious point of contention. Many people confuse the opinions in commentary pieces with the views of the newspaper as a whole. Without that, there would only be the articles without obvious opinions (bar editorial remarks, although those are clearly marked in newspapers).

Some might still feel that a federallyfunded newspaper would be too biased toward the topics it covered. But a good newspaper covers stories, regardless of subject matter, and people love to point at facts they don’t like and claim that those facts are biased because they are less than palatable.

There’s never going to be a solution to that.

The inelegance of the possible outcomes doesn’t make journalism less of a public service — it just means that there is more work to be done in the future to refine and strengthen the concept. And that is exactly what journalism exists to highlight.

The State-Run Media

1 April 2019

The Collegian: 15

#5: Create more YA therapy groups

Head back to the excitement of your childhood by joining therapy groups based on popular dystopian YA novels.

Brennen Gray Relates to President Snow

Let’s make more YA (young adult) novelthemed therapy groups. Bring on the love triangles, dystopian societies and identitybased factions!

Admittedly, the “Harry Potter”-themed group therapy idea was brilliant, and the positive effects it had on students should be celebrated. Personally, I think “Defense Against the Dark Thots,” is a brilliant title.

But with the massive hole in funding for the mental health of the average student, TU will have to continue to be creative in finding ways to meet the needs of its population, since cutting funding from sports is out of the question.

Since individual therapy sessions for the hundreds of students on campus with mental health needs would be costly, group therapy was the proposed solution.

I say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. As long as TU can only afford a couple counselors at a time, and apparently there is no way around this, bring on the YA! “Divergent” therapy would be an awesome start. For those unfamiliar with the story, a young girl has to choose between five factions to commit to for life. But she finds out she could never fit into just one.

Students could relieve their stress by exploring TU’s five undergraduate colleges: Business, Arts and Sciences, Engineering and Natural Sciences, Health Sciences and Petroleum Sciences.

In a fun adventure, the group could then band together to escape over a giant wall that surrounds Tulsa, all while fighting a

Goldie slays sleepy students in the “Hunger Games” therapy group.

dystopian government that looks hauntingly similar to our own. Talk about team building!

Next, did someone say “The Hunger Games”?

There is no healthier way to get out undergraduates’ violent, pent-up aggression than to keep them trapped on campus with bronze-age weapons. Students representing each living space on campus can confront lethal combat, and youthful hormones for student entertainment.

Some critics may point out that if TU can’t afford more than one counselor for every 1,650 students, there is no way they could manage turning TU into a giant death

arena with its own ecosystem. But there is an easy solution: this therapy group will be advertised as a sporting event. TUTV will do the broadcasting, and re-runs of past seasons will be posted on CaneFlix.

Last, the “Maze Runner” therapy group should be a cornerstone of this initiative.

The James Dashner series fills in the missing piece of the YA puzzle: zombies.

Since zombies made a late appearance, not becoming a notable threat until the second book, the group will do some preliminary trials to prep. Most of these involve navigating love triangles, taking down dystopian governments and overcoming giant walls. YA stuff.

graphic by Conner Maggio

But once the zombies hit, this therapy group will be awesome. Especially considering the apocalyptic state of the budget crisis right now; the dirty clothes and secondrate weapons fit the aesthetic.

The therapy group will gather machetes and shotguns and slay the hordes of sleepdeprived students on their way to classes to put them out of their misery. The slayers get therapy the school can afford, the slayed can sleep for the first time in a few years and the school can cut costs on mental health. Winwin-win situation.

But of course YA can only take us so far.

Stay tuned for smut novel therapy next year.

#6: A plea to our construction overlords Improve TU by keeping the aesthetically pleasing, prison-like pits around campus forever.

Hannah Robbins Favorite Pit Activity is Tanning As anyone who has considered walking by frat row knows, there’s been construction by the Mabee Gym in the recent past. While some might say it’s a weird eyesore (honestly, where is their sense of style?), those of us with proper fashion training recognize its beauty. Without the lovely fences that really emphasize the prison style, we would not get to experience Pike’s various signs over the fences for multiple weeks as they tried to hide the dystopian vibes and unsightly mud from their pristine frat house.

Plus, who can forget the pit outside Hardesty? When residents needed a break from the drama of normal college life, they could go into the muddy depths and meditate on where they went wrong. In the pits on the north side of campus, students prayed to Clancy, their professors and Goldie to save their lives and their grades, since the closer

to the ground students were, the further they were from their despair (and other students).

Now that those pits are gone, students have taken to sitting in the center of various streets on campus to cry openly. It only makes sense to keep campus safe by bringing back the pits.

While the construction is going on, students have to alter their daily walking paths.

As students on campus deviate from the one route they usually take, they might run into new people on campus! Plus, if anyone wants to avoid those people who give them anxiety, they might not be able to anymore, and witnessing the ensuing drama is so much fun!

So after the beauty that is the prison fences, meditative pits and new paths, everyone should be excited for the opportunities that each new construction location brings. Plus, the underground betting markets on how long the construction will take are thriving, and without construction, these will shrivel up. The other alternative, betting on what professors do or say, can be far too predictable (or so these bookies tell me). Don’t forget to vote YES for construction on the next SA survey (or just chant in the closest pit and Clancy will hear you).

graphic by Conner Maggio Goldie sits on the throne of broken printer carcasses set to be installed if this improvement is implemented.

#7: More computers, fewer printers, more chaos The new proposed computer lab would contain a maze of computers with two printers on a pedestal in the middle.

Brennen Gray Lover of All Things Disorderly What is the deal will all these printers?

The University of Tulsa boasts a total undergraduate population of 3,343, according to their website, and the four printers in the entire McFarlin computer lounge mean there is about one printer for every 836 students.

We can do better than that! TU needs more of those wonderful moments when one printer has a paper jam and another is out of ink. There is nothing better than walking into the lab with a half hour to spare until a deadline and yet still turning in the assignment late.

We should add more broken computers too. While we already have a dozen or so, broken computers are like ENS funding at TU: gratuitous is just not enough.

The final form of the reformed McFarlin computer lab should have 69 computers, 30 of which will be both unable to connect to printers and incapable of booting up in under half an hour. If they do not all fit in TU’s computer lab, any excess computers can always be stationed down in TU Copy, since that helpful organization got abolished anyway.

The new layout would have to reflect this initiative. The 69 computers would be in a random formation, with some on top of others, and a path winding its way through the technological wasteland. The computer lab would look like Dante’s Inferno but more cyberpunk.

At the center of the labyrinth of lost computers should be the two remaining printers, one of which will have a permanent paper jam. They should be on large shrines a few

“Or better yet, just make another TU fountain out of the printers!”

The new prison motif comes with its own bodyguard: Officer Goldie.

graphic by Conner Maggio

To ensure more students have this experience, especially the ones without their own computer lab in Keplinger or Helmerich, good old McDarling should move down to two printers. Imagine the chaos!

I say we take the printers we are getting rid of, scrap them for parts and use the extra cash to fund the building of another TU fountain. Or better yet, just make another TU fountain out of the printers! We could put it in front of McFarlin.

But what if the added printer traffic proves ineffective in deterring TU students in their pursuits of college degrees? Sure, cutting the amount of printers would do some damage. But why stop there?

feet above the floor so students will have to climb up to them to print something off.

Now, some critics of this initiative may say that making students’ lives harder is not good enough of a reward to justify the overhaul of the lab. But consider also the waste of resources. The power that all the broken computers in McFarlin consume to sit there 24/7 for years, and all the space they take up also hurts the campus.

Imagine hundreds of students waiting on rooms full of computers, maximizing the traffic on the one working computer to support the 3,343 students at the University of Tulsa. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

the

State-Run media The seven real improvements to make on campus.

#1: Reduce stress #2: Way to fix everyby reducing classes thing: with duct tape

By consolidating majors into five categories, students can avoid the stress of planning courses.

Sara Serrano Desperately Needs a Nap

I know I’m not alone in being overwhelmed when trying to pick out classes for next year. Fluid mechanics, partial differential equations, energy conversion, the science of whatever nonsense is currently profitable, etc; it’s a lot to look at, and I only have the one major to consider! I don’t even want to think about what triple majors have to go through each semester.

TU has made great strides lately in trying to lower the stress levels of its students — TITAN, free group therapy sessions, two whole reading days — but it’s just not enough. No, I suggest a total overhaul of the way this university is run. It’s a lot of change, but if done intelligently, TU will trailblaze a path in higher education that other universities will be swift to follow.

I suggest that TU consolidate the majors it offers into five distinct categories. Chemi-

cal, electrical, mechanical, petroleum and all the other engineering majors would condense into just “engineering.” Continue that process until you’re left with just engineering, science, art, language and IDC, the last being a catch-all for people who are undecided or simply just don’t give a heck.

This change would allow classes to broaden and simplify. There would be no stress in trying to fit everything into your schedule because they would be offered all the time by the sheer number of people needing to take them. There would be no need to worry about making friends because you’d see the same people every day, every semester.

Sooo many study buddies!

Even the stress of picking a major would disappear, as all you would have to do is fit yourself into a general category of person to decide. Just ask yourself, “Do I like math?”

No? You can cross off engineering and science. “Did I get a C in the only music class I ever took?” Yes? Great! Welcome to the language major.

Of course, there’s always the fear of not being able to find work after graduating with such an unspecific major. But hey, you weren’t going to get a job anyway.

Duct tape fixes everything, including all of the problems at McFarlin.

photo by Conner Maggio

#3: Decrease semester length by removing reading days Procrastinate no more by killing dead days and taking finals immediately.

Hannah Robbins Dead Tired of Dead Days

If TU implements these new changes, this could be you two days sooner.

graphic by Conner Maggio

#4: Replace Goldie the golden retriever with Goldie the goldfish You can’t pet this new pet ambassador.

Sara Serrano Prefers Cats But Who Cares Goldie: golden retriever, certified good doggo and TU canine ambassador.

But should she keep that job?

I will concede that you’d be hard pressed to find someone on campus who dislikes her, and the prospect of firing a dog is basically begging for society to hate you. But we must think about what’s best for TU. And what’s best for Goldie.

As a result of errors in her training, Goldie doesn’t do well in crowds. Public appearances cause her so much anxiety that she needs to be hopped up on drugs to comfortably socialize with lots of people.

This is no way to live. That’s why I suggest that we do what’s fair for Goldie by al-

Everyone knows about the Tuesday and Wednesday after the last day of classes.

Some call them “reading days,” others “dead days,” but everyone knows them as a time to mess around, hang out with friends and procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. No one really does work, and there are so many events going on (look for dogs in Fisher South this semester).

Since these days are obviously not used for their stated purpose, I think that we should just get rid of them. Honestly, it would mean that finals are over sooner and we get a longer break. Who wants to to be in school any longer than they have to be?

Plus, the earlier we get out, the cheaper the flights to the Caribbean are, and going to the beach should always be as cheap as possible.

Professors seem to agree. Tenured mechanical engineering professor John Bingle said, “Look, I only have to be here as long as the university tells me to, and this way,

I don’t have to deal with students’ constant whining any longer. It’s not like I make my finals new each year anyway, so it’s just more time for the university email that I never check to get spammed.”

Also, if we move finals up, maybe professors would actually put in grades before graduation so people know if they can actually walk (or so you can harass your professor to round that 69 up to an 80). This will prevent some of those emails that are proofread by a dozen people to make sure they’ve perfected their sweetalking tone to not seem too desperate. Instead, you can actually go and beg for your grade in person.

When I spoke with some members of the community about the possibility of an omission of reading days, they were all for it. Esteemed alumnus Barry Princewater III said, “I don’t understand how these reading days work. Why would lazy millennials need days to study. It’s not like they actually do anything anyway. A waste of money to keep the university open longer.”

Honestly, when you consider all the fabulous benefits of omitting that pesky Tuesday and Wednesday, why would you want reading days? Who needs those useless 48 hours when we could have a longer summer and winter break? Not TU, that’s for sure!

lowing her a well-deserved retirement and replacing her with a more willing pet.

Like a goldfish!

First off, a goldfish would fit in perfectly with our university’s colors, and we wouldn’t even have to change their name!

Public appearances would be a breeze for Goldfish Goldie. With such a short-term memory, there would be no fear of accidentally traumatizing her. Training would be rendered ineffective and unnecessary, making the switch quick, easy and definitely cost-effective.

She could also live in the Fishbowl! How perfect is that? On display for everyone, that space is underutilized prime real estate wasted on hopes of future esports teams.

Let’s just stick a fish in there!

So make the right choice, TU. Let Goldie retire to a nice fair upstate and give the people what they want: bubbles, scales and bugged out eyes. Just adorable.

graphic by Conner Maggio The new proposed aquatic ambassador in her natural habitat.