a student newspaper of the university of tulsa
september 11, 2017 issue 3 ~ volume 103
Brenda Tracy
A story to end sexual assault Registered nurse, single mom, rape survivor and activist Brenda Tracy shared her story to encourage students to intervene when they see potential cases of sexual assault. Trigger Warning: the following article contains graphic depictions of sexual content. Managing Editor Michaela Flonard reports. Last Tuesday, Brenda Tracy came to tell her story at TU and encourage discussion and action in the community. Since revealing herself as the “Jane Doe” in the 1998 Oregon State University rape case, Tracy has begun activist work, including speaking at different venues. Held in Lorton Performance Center, about 350 to 400 students attended her talk, mostly athletes with some Greek life and various other students. Dr. Derrick Gragg, the Vice President and Director of Athletes, was the original proponent of bringing Tracy to campus, and the event was moderated by Violence Prevention Program Director Kelsey Hancock. Tracy began the night with a challenge. As the single mom of two sons, ages 23 and 24, she asked the audience “to think about what it would be like if you were my son or daughter and you were sitting there and I was up here, telling my story.” Her Story In 1998, right before the incident occurred, Tracy was a single mom, after recently divorcing her children’s father, and had just started dating an OSU football player. Her best friend, Karmen McFadden, was also dating an OSU player, and one night, asked Tracy to attend a house party with her. The party was attended by McFadden’s boyfriend, her boyfriend’s brother, his friend and another player. At the party, Tracy was offered a drink, but said she initially refused, because she “grew up in an alcoholic home and because of my children’s father. I didn’t like alcohol and I needed to be in control of my surroundings at all times.” But as the night persisted, the others insisted she drink, saying she would be safe and could crash on the couch. About 20 minutes after sipping some of her drink, Tracy said, “I started feeling warm inside, like hot from the inside out. I remember thinking, ‘Am I getting drunk already? Is it happening this fast?’ I didn’t have a point of reference. I’d never been drunk before.” Soon after, she began feeling dizzy, which is when, she said, McFadden’s boyfriend stood up, looking straight at her and walked McFadden to the back bedroom of the apartment. This left Tracy in the living room with the other four men: the two OSU football players, Calvin Carlyle and Jason Dandridge, and the other two men, Michael Ainsworth and Nakia Ware. Tracy then passed out on the couch. Upon regaining consciousness, “I realized I was laying on my back, on the floor, and I wasn’t able to move my arms or legs. I was able to move my head, and I looked [right] and the first man was trying to force his penis into my mouth, so I turned away and I looked [left] and the second man was trying to force his penis into my mouth, so I looked up, and the third man was raping me and the fourth man was stroking himself, waiting for his turn,” Tracy said. “I remember feeling like I was trying to say, ‘Stop, what are you doing? Why can’t I move?’ but I don’t know that I was able to make any noise.” Before she passed out again, she noticed the men congratulating each other on their performance and high-fiving each other.
graphic by Madeline Woods
The next time she regained consciousness, one of the men was pouring alcohol down her throat, till she gagged and choked on it. Still unable to speak, Tracy passed out again. When she woke up again, she felt as if she was going to vomit, so one of the men carried her to the bathroom and laid her over the bathroom counter. “As I was vomiting on myself in the sink,” she said, “he was raping me from behind.” Her attack lasted about six hours, only ending, she said, because the men couldn’t penetrate her anymore, as she was “so swollen and dry.” They tried to ice her vagina to stop the swelling, and when that didn’t help, her attack stopped. While she knows they also used an alcohol bottle and flashlight on her, Tracy doesn’t know what else they did to her, as she was unconscious, but doesn’t want to know. The next morning, fully conscious, Tracy woke up naked on the living room floor, with dried vomit and gum in her hair, and a condom on her stomach. “I just remember in that moment feeling like a piece of trash. I didn’t even feel like a human, I felt like a piece of garbage they’d just forgotten on the living room floor.” Even now, “it remains the most disgusting moment of my life...I can still feel the condom on my stomach.” She told the audience, “That’s the thing about this sort of trauma. It doesn’t ever really go away. You learn to live in spite of it, but it’s always there. I can always go back to that moment, even almost 20 years later.” She and McFadden left the apartment, and Tracy immediately began to blame herself, thinking “did I say something? Did I do something? What made them think I wanted this to happen?” When they got in the car, McFadden told her, “Brenda, it’s going to be okay, we just got in over our heads,” causing Tracy to suspect that McFadden knew what had transpired, and didn’t help. In that moment, Tracy said “my best friend became dead to me...in that moment, I didn’t know that person.” When she got home, her mom comforted her and convinced her to go to the hospital, so they could make sure Tracy hadn’t gotten pregnant or contracted an STI. As they drove to the hospital, her mom silently cried. “When my mom cries, it hurts in a different place in my heart,” Tracy said “I remember looking at my mom, thinking, ‘I did that to her.’” It was then Tracy began to think about suicide. In that moment, Tracy said, “I remember thinking, ‘What is the point? What is the point of even being alive if my only purpose on this planet is to be abused and beaten and raped? Why should I even be here?’” This wasn’t the first time Tracy had been sexually assaulted. As a young child, she’d been assaulted by a grandfather, and then by the drug-addicted boyfriend of her babysitter. Her marriage to her sons’ father had become a domestic violence situation as well. Trying to think rationally, Tracy looked to who would miss her. Her parents, she decided, would be fine. Then, she thought about her children, whose father was in and out of jail at the time. They would need her, she thought, until she realized, “those little boys are going to be men...how are they going to feel when they find out what happened to me. Once they know how could they ever love me? How could they ever not be ashamed of me? How could they ever not be disgusted by me?” Once she rationalized her sons would be fine without her, she decided to commit suicide, which felt “like a really great decision...there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll go to the hospital and get this exam done and then I’ll go home and kill myself.” “But,” she continued, “they tell you sometimes God has a different plan for your life than you do.” At the hospital, her nurse, Jenny, changed her mind. While she expected Jenny to do her job, but “find me disgusting as I felt,” Jenny was full of “overwhelming compassion, not anything contrite or anything.” She felt God direct her to become a nurse and take care of herself. “I always thought I was going to go to college, play volleyball or basketball and be a personal trainer,” she elaborated, but “I just knew in that moment that was what I was supposed to do.” The rape kit examination took about five hours. During that time, Tracy peppered Jenny with questions. She provided examples: “Jenny would say things like, ‘Brenda we need to do he vagina exam,’ and I would say, ‘How did you become a nurse?’ And she would say, ‘Brenda we have to pluck 10 pubic hairs and 10 head hairs,’ and I’d say, ‘Jenny what school did you go to?’ She would say, ‘Brenda we have to swab your anus and underneath your nails,’ and I’d say, ‘What about financial aid?’”
See Tracy, page 4