22 February 2016

a student newspaper of the university of tulsa

february 22, 2016 issue 18 ~ volume 101

Graphic by Elias Brinkman

News

The Collegian: 2

22 February 2016

International Night

Legends of the Earth: AIS International Night took place in Lorton Performance Center last Friday night.

Students told legendary tales from around the world through choreography and music.

Officers of the Association of International Students organized and performed in this event.

The event spanned six hours of international foods and student performances showcasing the history of their cultures.

photos by Javishk Shah, Luke Lau and Chuyi Wen

WFF Services who gave them a sweater, protein bar, keys with key chain, and ID and driver’s license. The owner could not be contacted so the items were placed into the property locker for safe keeping.

There have been no recent updates to the University of Tulsa Daily Crime Report. Due to the lack of news available for us to share, here are some of the less interesting incidents on campus two weeks ago.

Feb. 8 2:40 p.m.

University of Tulsa campus Security officers were dispatched to investigate found property at University Square West Apartments.

Upon arrival officers met with

1:10 a.m.

University of Tulsa campus Security officers were dispatched to investigate a loud noise complaint at University Square South Apartments. Upon arrival officers could not hear or locate any loud noise coming from any apartment.

The Collegian does not edit the Campus Crime Watch except for content and brevity.

ďƒ&#x;Learn more

News

22 February 2016

The Collegian: 3

Students save lives, rewarded with pizza

TU students gave back to the community by donating blood in OBI’s blood drive last week.

Kyle Crutchfield Student Writer

Oklahoma Blood Institute (OBI) hosted a blood drive in the Allen Chapman Student Union last Tuesday and Wednesday, and many students dropped by to give blood to those in need.

The students, eager to give back to their community and take on the #BloodDonorChallenge, came for many reasons. For sophomore Summer Post, the reason she gave blood is simple: “I came because, going into the medical field, I realized how important it is to have blood donations on hand in hospitals, so I love knowing that my contribution could help save a life.”

She even brought her friend, junior Brittany Box, along with her to donate: “I decided to

come in because of Summer!”

Junior Matthew Tygart also expressed his reason for donating: “I’m in here today because my fraternity, Kappa Alpha Order, really prompted us to come and give blood.

Today is actually my first time ever giving blood. I just want to help out others through service by giving somebody else the blood they need.”

cal and travel history. Additionally, students also had to pass a physical ability test.

As a reward for donating, students got to choose from a variety of snacks, including Papa John’s pizza.

Among the students giving blood were multiple volunteers, staff and nurses helping students through the screening process, unpacking boxes, and taking blood, all in an

“I love knowing that my contribution could help save a life.”

Other students also took the opportunity to give to those in need, including Ryan Ogilvie, Tucker Watts, Majid Al-Siyabi, and Brandon Vu. Before giving blood, students had to go through a screening process, which consisted of fifty-one questions about their medi-

effort to keep the blood drive rolling.

Staff member Ashley Hinson, a recruiter for OBI, started this process by getting the students in the door: “My job is to work with the Student Association here at TU to develop a marketing concept that gets the word out to the students.”

This all happens even before OBI sets foot on campus. As for the actual day of the blood drive, Hinson says, “The donor services come in and actually execute the drive. I went around and tried to just talk to anybody I could and ask them to come donate, because every donation saves up to three lives.”

These donor services include the help of volunteers, like freshman Megan Skocdopole: “I decided to volunteer because I want to be able to give to people that can’t get the things that they need when they require medical attention.”

To provide context to the amount of blood that’s needed on a daily basis, Hinson noted, “It takes about 1,000 units (or pints, which are equivalent to one individual donation) of blood to supply the state of OK every single day. So, for instance, our goal today is 50 [units]. So, 50 out of 1000, you do the math. We’re doing about 20 to 50 blood drives depending on the goals every day in Oklahoma. That’s why we’re here!”

photos by Kyle Crutchfield

From left: Students Tucker Watts, Ryan Ogilvie, Majid Al Siyabi and Brandon Vu donating blood to the OBI.

Sammie Hottel Student Writer

US airstrike targets terrorists in Libya, killing 43 A US airstrike targeted an ISIS camp in northwestern Libya on Friday, killing fortythree and wounding at least six others. Foreign fighters had gathered at this camp for special advanced training, which some US officials believe was in preparation for a terror attack in Europe. Noureddine Chouchane, an ISIS operative responsible for two terrorist attacks in Tunisia, was believed to be at the site. His body, however, has not yet been identified. Libyan Red Crescent spokesman Mohamed al-Misrati predicts that the death toll will only rise, as many bodies are still buried in rubble.

The targeted site was known as an ISIS recruitment base for foreigners, and the US military acted preemptively after observing militant activity “outside the normal training camp scenario” that suggested an impending attack.

Lions escape national park in Nairobi, Kenya Four lions escaped from the Nairobi National Park on Friday, wandering into heavily populated areas. Park officials tried to prevent a panic, and a toll number was distributed for anyone who spotted the lions. The lions escaped by sneaking through a culvert, likely chasing a warthog. By early evening, two of the animals had returned to the park and the other two had wandered into the neighboring military barracks. No injuries were reported from the incident.

When the Nairobi National Park was first established, escaped animals posed no threat to the surrounding undeveloped areas. In recent years, however, the population of the area around the park has increased tenfold.

Harper Lee dies in Alabama at age 89 Acclaimed author Harper Lee passed away on Friday at age eighty-nine. Her family confirmed that she unexpectedly died in her sleep early in the morning. Services have not been announced, but Lee’s nephew Hank Connor stated that the funeral would be private. In a statement, Connor said “We knew her as Nelle Harper Lee, a loving member of our family, a devoted friend to the many good people who touched her life, and a generous soul in our community and our state. We will miss her dearly.”

Harper Lee was born in Monroeville, Alabama in 1926. She won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 1961 for her critically and commercially successful novel “To Kill a Mockingbird,” which tells the story of small-town lawyer Atticus Finch and other residents of the fictional Maycomb, Alabama.

German court rules sex with animals illegal A German constitutional court threw out a case attempting to end the ban on sex with animals. The two complainants professed themselves sexually attracted to animals and wanted the court to determine if banning bestiality was constitutional. The court chose not to review the case, thereby upholding the ban. They determined that the prohibitions were justified because they prevented the animals from becoming victims of sexual assault.

Currently, anyone in Germany who attempts to force animals into “unnatural behavior” could be fined up to $27,00.

Suicide bombers kill 24 in Cameroon market

Two suicide bombers killed 24 and injured at least 112 at a market in northern Cameroon. The bombers, two young girls, were dressed as food vendors. One military source stated, “These two girls took advantage of the fact that it was the woman’s market. They came like vendors, except they had explosives in their cooking pots.”

No one has claimed responsibility for the attack, but many believe that Boko Haram, a Nigerian-based Islamic extremist group, is behind it. In total, Boko Haram has killed around 15,000 people and driven at least two million from their homes.

February 22-25 Student Union, Great Hall B Kappa Alpha Theta: KATch Me If You Can! This four-day event is similar to assassins in which you try to “KATch” as many other participants as possible while preventing yourself from being KATched.

Particpation costs five dollars.

Proceeds go to the Kappa Alpha Theta Foundation.

Monday, February 22 at 7:00pm to 8:00pm Lorton Performance Center, Meinig Recital Hall Spring Film Festival The Department of Film Studies presents the Seventh Annual Spring Film Festival. This is a juried festival in which prizes will be awarded after the screenings.

Awards include: Best Film, Runner-Up, Best Original Score and Audience Choice There will be a reception with cake and refreshments.

Tuesday, February 23 at 9:00pm to 10:00pm Little Blue House Earth Matters Meeting Earth Matters is TU’s student led environmental organization. Some of our past projects include: -Trayless Campaign in TU’s dining areas in effort to decrease water waste -Trash audits to evaluate our collective recycling efforts -Documentary screenings to inform fellow students of various environmental issues, such as fracking, meat production, global warming, and more -Organic gardening using compost fueled from United Campus Ministry’s weekly veggie lunch We will be discussing similar projects for the future at the meeting.

Wednesday, February 24 at 12:00pm to 1:00pm Student Union, Alcove Room Stress and Resiliency in College Students Dr. Robin Aupperle from the Laureate Institute of Brain Research will discusses stress and resiliency in college students.

Tacos from El Guapo’s will be provided.

Thursday, February 25 at 12:00pm to 1:00pm Mayo Village Apartments and Student Activities Center From TU to Around the World!

It’s Diversity Week! The campus apartments will be hosting a dinner event, From TU to Around the World, and the CGE will be presenting information on study abroad and available scholarships.

Come enjoy great food, hear study abroad students share their experiences, and get inforamtion on how to study abroad yourself!

Saturday February 27 at 8:00 am to 4:30pm Reynolds Center, Practice Gym

Service Day Give back to the community by participating in a Day of Service!

Free Cinnabon breakfast and sandwich lunch will be provided.First 250 people to sign up receive vests. First 600 people will receive shirts.

News

The Collegian: 4

22 February 2016

Freedmen Saga: age-old injustices uncovered Speaker Ron Graham’s genealogical research and historical documents reveal federal racism, injustice.

Trenton Gibbons Distribution Manager Of all the historical injustices suffered by minorities in America, the story of the Muscogee Creek Freedmen is perhaps one of the most obscure.

Last week Ronald Graham Sr., president of the Muscogee Creek Indian Freedmen Band (MCIFB), gave a lecture regarding his unique heritage and the plight of his ancestors. Despite an audience of only half a dozen attendants, Mr. Graham was enthusiastic to share his story. “This is a good crowd,” he joked. “Hell, I’ve delivered the same presentation to just one person.”

Graham, as he’ll tell you himself, appears African American. As a proud genealogist and historian, he’ll rightly tell you that he’s also an eighth Native American. It is this mixed heritage which most defines the study of his work.

Graham has pieced together aged documentation of his family line, and in doing so, has found evidence of systemic racism and discrimination generations old.

The Muscogee Creek Nation, having been deemed a part of the Five Civilized Tribes by the federal government, was entitled in 1898 by the Curtis Act to 160 acres of land per citizen. The Dawes Commission was created to fulfill the lofty goal of this allotment.

No sooner was the Commission established than it was advised to segregate the Creek Nation between two different rolls: The Creek Nation Indian Roll and the Creek Nation Freedmen Roll. The freedmen were those who had descended from African slaves in the service of Native Americans.

When the Civil War had come to a close three decades earlier, the MCN had agreed that “persons of African descent… residing in said Creek country... and their descendants... shall have and enjoy all rights and privileges of native citizens...and the laws of said Nation shall be equally binding upon and give equal protection to all such persons.”

The segregation of the rolls between Indians and their African members was in direct violation to this agreement, and yet was largely uncontested. After all, the Federal government was not required to allot the parcels of 160 acres to freedmen.

The Dawes Commission looked only at a person’s physical features, such as their nose, hair and skin color, to make this designation. They ignored the often high

The illiterate were totally at the mercy of the commission, which often manipulated surnames, cheating family members of their birthright.

One man, named Richard, unwillingly had his children bestowed with four different surnames: Richards, Richardson, Dickson, and Dixon.

“I know exactly who stole my family’s land,” Graham said. “I know the name of the judge who

all.

By the mid 1900s, the Creeks themselves considered the freedmen a nuisance. A federal document from the time states “that a group of Indians are favorable to organizing under the Oklahoma Welfare Act...but they want to find some way to eliminate the Freedmen.” This notion was contested at the time.

Today, the MCIFB is attempting to be federally recognized as an in-

ranks the freedmen held within the tribes, and their valuable contribution to the Creek community.

Among the examples Graham shared was an invaluable Creek interpreter, and even a freedmen chief. Besides physical features, members of the commission invented a number of ways in which to designate an individual as a freedmen, thus separating them from their privileges as a Muscogee Creek Indian.

sold it and I know how much money he made off of it.”

He described the blood quantum, the measure of Creek Indian blood which a person possessed, as a weapon of institutional racism.

“White blood, at that time, was thought to be a measure of intelligence,” Graham shared.

The blood quantum was a federally-hosted war on the tribes which cost the freedmen most of

dependent tribe after being voted out of the Creek Nation. They are also lending their support to the Cherokee Freedmen, who may soon suffer the same fate of exile from their culture.

To document the plight of his people, both contemporary and historic, Graham is currently writing a book titled Lost Blood, in which he hopes to shed light on the suffering and triumphs of these unique, unknown peoples.

“I know exactly who stole my family’s land... and how much money they made off of it.”

SA Judicial Council updates Michaela Flonard Student Writer

SCIENCE NEWS LIGO detects gravitational waves, proves Einstein’s theory of binary black hole collision.

Adam Lux Student Writer On Thursday February 11 the LIGO Scientific Collaboration announced that they had directly detected gravitational waves using their Advanced LIGO device.

Gravitational waves are ripples in the spacetime curvature that move outward from a source. This phenomenon was predicted in 1916 by Albert Einstein as a consequence of his theory of general relativity.

Despite their early origins these waves have proved elusive to detect over the years.

LIGO stands for Laser Interferometer Gravitational-wave Observatory.

The signal they detected matches the prediction of a binary black hole collision by general relativity. This is enormously strong evidence in favor of general relativity.

The LIGO detection system works, in a basic sense, by a laser which is incident on a beam split-

ter, sending two beams off in parallel directions.

Each of those beams hits a mirror at the exact same distance and bounces back.

The beams travel up and down this distance hundreds of times and then are recombined and sent to a light detector.

Under normal circumstances the beams, which traveled the same distance, should be exactly in phase with each other.

Yet if a strong gravitational wave passes through the detector, one or both of the distances will be slightly stretched or shrunk.

This means the beams won’t be in phase with each other when they recombine.

This difference in phase is what is measured. The “arms” of the LIGO detector are 2.5 miles long.

There are actually 2 detectors, one in Louisiana and another in Washington.

This allows scientists to filter out background noise by comparing what each of the two detectors “hear.”

If both detectors detect the same disturbance around the same time, it’s probably a gravitational wave, which is exactly what happened on September 14, 2015.

Dr. Scott Noble, of the TU physics department, uses supercomputers to research systems of black holes. He describes the discovery as “A new realm of nature that was [previously] completely unexplored.”

In reference to the LIGO detectors he said it took “a whole revolution of engineering feats,” to get to a point where we could even measure gravitational waves.

It’s an exciting time to be a part of the physics community and the future of this technology looks full of more important physics discoveries.

Last week, SA’s Judicial Council affected several changes into their procedure laws. These changes follow last semester’s proposed alterations to confidentiality rules. The new rules would also require justices to attend one cabinet and one senate meeting per semester.

The process of making changes to judicial procedures started last semester. The Senate, in November of 2015, recommended that the judicial council make several changes to their standard procedure before hearing cases in the spring.

October 2008 was the last time procedures had been updated.

Confidentiality was most affected by these changes.

According to the new rules, information on a judicial decision can be released if several conditions are met.

Information about a case can only be released if all of those involved agree to release the information. If everyone don’t agree, the Chief Justice can then decide what information to release. If some parties don’t agree to release the case information, then the person who submitted the request will

be given a reason as to why.

If releasing the information would violate the 1974 Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA), the request will be denied.

Previously, all judicial documents were kept closed.

Under this rule, only the outcome of the decision could be shared with those not involved in the case. The details behind the outcome, such as the specific opinion of the judges, could not previously be shared. Under this new rule, the opinions can be, if the conditions are met.

Loosening confidentiality reflects SA’s senate opinion that not all decisions need to be confidential. Adding transparency, in some cases, will allow understanding into rulings which can affect students or groups.

One minor change to the proceedings is that petitions to be heard by the council are to be filed by email, to the SA secretary and Chief Justice.

Any supporting documents are to go to the Chief Justice. This change was because electronic communication is much faster and convenient than submitting hard copies, as was previously done.

You can earn college credit by writing for the Collegian!

Sign up for the Journalism Practicum, JS-3001, and you

can earn one credit hour each semester for writing for the Collegian. You don’t even have to go to class! Just write one story a week and turn them all in at the end of the semester.

Not to mention you will be paid $10 for every story you write!

Contact Professor John Coward for more information about this course.

News

22 February 2016

Justice Antonin Scalia dies

courtesy wikimedia commons

The Supreme Court Justice, known for his conservative views, dies at the age of 79.

Justin Guglielmetti Student Writer

Last Saturday saw the passing of Justice Antonin Scalia, the renowned bastion of letter-of-thelaw conservatism on the Supreme Court, at the age of 79.

Scalia was visiting a Texas ranch and missed a scheduled hunting trip after complaining of not feeling well the night before.

He was found unresponsive in his bed later the next morning.

A controversial figure in the

public eye throughout his tenure on the Supreme Court, Scalia was a highly principled man who vigorously defended his beliefs, even and perhaps most especially when they went against the grain of popular opinion.

Scalia was born in Trenton, New Jersey in 1936, the son of a Sicilian immigrant father and a first-generation American mother.

From an early age he excelled in academics, earning entry into an elite Jesuit military academy in Manhattan and graduating as valedictorian.

A staunch Catholic in upbringing, Scalia chose to attend Georgetown for his undergraduate education, where he earned a degree in

history and became a collegiate debate champion.

In 1960, he graduated from Harvard Law School magna cum laude, where he was an editor of the Harvard Law Review.

Over the next twenty years, Scalia moved between private law firms, public service (he was appointed first as General Counsel for the Office of Telecommunications Policy, then as Assistant Attorney General by President Nixon) and academia.

After Ronald Reagan was elected president in 1980, Scalia began petitioning for a high office in the administration, impressing the president and his colleagues with his wit and poignant critique of

The Collegian: 5 Supreme Court precedents.

When a Supreme Court position was made available with the retirement of Chief Justice Warren Burger, President Reagan nominated Scalia, who was passed through the Senate unanimously.

With his appointment, he became the first Italian-American to ever serve as a Supreme Court justice.

Unabashed in his political and moral leanings and replacing a fellow conservative in Burger, Scalia was a staunch member of the conservative wing of the Supreme Court.

He was never considered a “swing vote” in any decisions. He nonetheless became arguably the most famous justice during his tenure on the bench, causing stirs with his fiery rhetoric and traditionalist values.

Among Scalia’s more controversial dissents and opinions were Thompson v. Oklahoma, where he argued for the allowance of the execution of minors; the Affirmative Action case, where he stated the belief that African-American students might fare better in a “slower-track school”; the Affordable Care Act case, which he called “pure applesauce” and “interpretive jiggery-pokery”; abortion, which he called an “absolutely easy” moral decision to oppose; and gay rights, which he vociferously opposed, even going so far as to say he thought homosexual sodomy should be illegal on the rationale that “for 200 years, it was illegal in every state.”

Most of these opinions were based on Scalia’s adherence to the

doctrines of textualism in statutory representation and originalism in constitutional representation. Matt Hindman, TU professor of political science, calls these ideologies “a look at the words on the page more so than some imaginary living ethos to the law.”

Scalia was among the first to bring textualism and originalism to the forefront of judicial thinking, and is thus considered by some experts, including TU political science professor Michael Mosher, to be one of the most important figures in changing how people study the Constitution.

With Scalia’s passing, there is a massive power vacuum in the makeup of the Supreme Court, as there now exist three conservative justices, four liberals and one relative centrist.

Should President Obama manage to appoint another liberal before the expiration of his term, he could ensure favorable decisions for liberals in the years to come.

However, Republican members of Congress, including Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell and presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio, have pledged to block President Obama’s nominee no matter what.

Hindman believes it may end up being more prudent for the nominee to be a centrist or somebody that the Senate recently voted on unanimously to a lower court, but even then the odds of getting him/ her passed through Congress may be slim.

In contrast to the mainstream Christian beliefs and teachings, missionaries like William of Tripoli, who actually visited and encountered Muslim culture, praised Muslim practices. They reported Muslim prayer and humility to criticize the state of Christianity.

Over the centuries, different interpretations have sought to bring Christians and Muslims together through their shared praise of the Virgin Mary. Many poems from ‘Cantigas de Santa Maria’ portray

Many Christians also argue that any denial of Mary as divine is unfit of recognition.

In contemporary times, Mary is increasingly a bridge between the religions. In 1965, the Second Vatican Council stated the church has a “high regard for Muslims... they venerate Jesus as a prophet, his Virgin Mother they also honor, and even at times devoutly invoke.”

The Council went on to urge all to forget past disagreements

Is Mary a bridge between Islam and Christianity?

Panel discusses whether Muslims and Christians can use differing interpretations of Virgin Mary to reach common ground.

Nathan Gibbons Student Writer

courtesy wikimedia commons

Eric Harris’ homicide investigation faces internal pressures Testimonies reveal that superior officers compelled investigators to find the homicide ‘justifiable.’

Abigail LaBounty Variety Editor

After pouring through over 300 pages of testimony in the grand jury investigation of the shooting death of Eric Harris, the Tulsa World reported on February 8 that officials in the sheriff’s department pressured the investigators to report Harris’ death as a “justifiable homicide.”

Robert Bates, the officer who fatally shot Harris in the back during a gun buy bust in April of 2015, has been under previous scrutiny.

In 2009 it was alleged that he hadn’t been through the proper training to become a reserve deputy and was allowed to remain one because of hefty donations to the sheriff’s department. Bates claims that he shot Harris after mistaking his gun for his taser.

Major Robbie Lillard, com-

mander of the Uniform Operations Division, conducted the original 2009 investigation into Bates’ training and standing within the Sheriff’s department. He testified to the grand jury that former Undersheriff Tim Albin and former Major Tom Huckeby held an unusually large role in the investigation of Harris’ death, and pressured the investigation to dub the death as justifiable.

Lillard speculates that this was done to protect the sheriff’s office from scrutiny as well as to protect Bates.

Former Captain Bill McKelvey also testified to the grand jury that he had been instructed by Albin to attempt to sway the investigation. McKelvey was told by Albin to meet with Harris’ family and to persuade them not to hire an attorney. McKelvey met with Andre Harris, Eric Harris’ brother, and told him that “attorneys convoluted these types of problems.”

Albin, Huckeby and McKelvey have all resigned from the Sheriff’s office since the 2015 shooting.

Through multiple examples of medieval writing and art, Dr. Rita George-Tvrtković explained how the Virgin Mary’s portrayals and interpretations have “swung like a pendulum” between being a bridge or barrier between the Muslim and Christian religions.

A majority of Muslims view Mary as a righteous figure and believe in the virgin birth. Apart from differences, such as whether or not Joseph was the one to defend her purity and the divinity of Mary and Jesus, Mary is still seen as an irenic figure, especially among Muslim women.

In the medieval period, Christians generally did not try to understand the Islamic faith. They examined and reached their conclusions from afar and viewed Islam as Christian heresy. Christians had their own ‘Christian theology of Islam’ that was based on outside judgements alone.

George-Tvrtković showed a few medieval period exceptions.

“[Most] Muslims view Mary as a righteous figure and believe in the virgin birth.”

Muslims and Christians hailing images of Mary. One of the poems involves a group of Moors who throw a statue of Mary into the sea. When they catch nothing in their next fishing excursion, they retrieve the statue and are rewarded with a bountiful catch.

Other poems portray Mary as a powerful symbol of conversion to Christianity.

In contrast, many interpretations seek to use Mary as a symbol of power over the other. The Battle of Lepanto is often cited as a defeat of the Muslim enemies

by Christian soldiers through the power of the ‘warrior’ Mary.

and celebrate common ground in both religions. Mary continues to be an image of praise in Islam, and George-Tvrtković notes that, although the times may continue to change, there is a greater bridge being built between the two religions.

George-Tvrtković is a historical theologian specializing in the medieval period who earned her undergraduate degree in anthropology from the University of Tulsa before going on to earn her PhD in theology from Notre Dame. She was excited to be back and see the anthropology department again and how it’s grown.

who are diligent enough to secure their bikes.

Several of Campus Security’s crime reports show that both the bike and its lock were missing upon their arrival.

Timmons also reports that mainly personal bikes have been targeted, rather than TU’s trademark yellow bicycles.

With all this in mind, what can TU students do to prevent their bikes from being stolen?

“Students should register their bicycles through the university and keep the serial number of the bicycle in a safe place,” Timmons

photo by Eli Brinkman

Bike thefts concern students

Campus authorities indicate bicycle thefts have become more frequent since the beginning of the second semester.

Hannah Kloppenburg Commentary Editor

In the past few weeks, TU’s campus has seen an increased rate of bicycle theft.

Campus crime reports show that there have been 8 bike thefts on campus since January 1, with five thefts occurring in January and three since the beginning of February.

Joe Timmons, Director of Campus Security, tells the Collegian that a rate of about three bike thefts per month is common.

To a certain degree, bike theft is a fact of life on a bike-heavy college campus. Timmons says that bike theft has not been an issue in the past. “I would not say it’s a significant issue, but it does occur.”

Bikes are not only being taken from unlucky students who forget to lock them, but also from those

says. In order to best prevent bike locks from being broken or loosened, “Bicycles should be secured with locks that go through the frame of the bike.”

He also emphasizes that students should keep a close eye on their bikes, even when they’re not in use. “Check on them regularly and don’t just lock them up outside and leave them all semester.”

If a student’s bike is stolen, Timmons says that the best course of action is to find the bike’s serial number and call campus security to report the theft.

The Collegian: 6

Sports

22 February 2016

Men’s team adds two more wins to NCAA resume

photos by Greg Diskin

Clockwise from top left: Shaquille Harrison drives through the Cincinnati defense to get to the basket in the second half of Thursday’s overtime win over the Bearcats. Harrison had eleven points in the win. Harrison is fouled in the second half. Pat Birt takes a shot late in the game on Thursday. James Woodard goes up to the hoop. He had a game-high 19 points including a full-court buzzer beater at the end of the first half.

The Golden Hurricane men’s basketball team continued their push for a spot in the NCAA tournament with wins over Cincinnati and UCF. Joseph Edmunds Sports Writer Tulsa looked to avenge a loss at Cincinnati earlier in the season when the Bearcats visited Tulsa.

In the first half, the Bearcats took control.

They led throughout, though they couldn’t pull away for a commanding lead. The Golden Hurricane struggled shooting early on, but managed to stay in the game. When James Woodard scored an incredible full-

court shot at the buzzer, Tulsa only faced a five point deficit at the halftime break.

The second half started with a small Tulsa run, giving the Hurricane a one-point lead.

From that point, the teams traded the lead several times, as neither was able to take command. Cincinnati managed to score with a single second remaining on the clock, to tie the game at 62.

The overtime period was just as tightly contested as the rest of the game, and Tulsa was able to pull out the 70–68 OT victory.

Pat Birt had a great performance against UCF in Tulsa’s second game of the week.

He scored 26, as the Golden Hurricane defeated the Knights.

The first half greatly favored Tulsa, as they took advantage of a few runs to take a double digit advantage at halftime, 36–22.

UCF played better in the second half, but they weren’t able to cut the deficit enough to make the comeback enough to scare the Golden Hurricane. The final score ended 7567 with Tulsa winning.

Tulsa now owns a record of 18–9 (10–5 American Athletic Conference), good for a tie with Cincinnati for third place in the conference. In the latest “Bracketology” by ESPN analyst Joe Lunardi, Tulsa is in the “Next Four Out” spot. This means he predicts them to be very close to making the tournament, but not quite getting there.

Three games and the conference tournament remain between Tulsa and decision day. If they win out and perform well in the conference tournament, they could convince the selection committee they are deserving of an at-large bid.

but the return they got is less than ideal.

Then on Thursday, they trade Channing Frye for basically cap space. Admittedly, Frye hasn’t been good for at least three years, but now they have about as much cap space as any team in the league going into the offseason.

That’s nice if they are in New York or Miami, but no one good is going to sign in Orlando unless they’re ten and want to go to Disney World everyday.

Locally, Oklahoma City made a smart, but boring move nonetheless. They acquired Randy Foye from the Denver Nuggets for Steve Novak, D.J. Augustin and a couple of second round draft picks.

Foye is not an amazing player but he’s a solid veteran, can hit some threes and plays pretty good defense. He probably won’t play a lot, but the savings OKC gets in return are huge. They are clearing a roster spot and saving up to ten million dollars in salary payments. That roster spot could be big considering some upcoming player buyouts including Joe Johnson, David Lee, Kevin Martin and Anderson Varejao.

Finally, the funniest deal of the deadline was between the Clippers and Grizzlies

where Lance Stephenson and a first rounder were sent to Memphis in exchange for Jeff Green going to L.A. On paper, it’s not necessarily exciting, but the narratives produced provide for some entertainment. On the Clippers’ side, it just reaffirms the notion that head coach and general manager Doc Rivers will only coach players that either have played well against him or for him. Green is added to this list of Paul Pierce, Austin Rivers, Eddie House and Glen Davis.

For the Grizzlies, they have a roster filled with all-NBA talent if that talent involves being thugs. They now have Tony Allen, Zach Randolph, Stephenson, P.J. Hairston, Matt Barnes and “Birdman” Chris Andersen all in the same locker room. One game of poker goes wrong between that group and there are no more Memphis Grizzlies.

Overall, the trade deadline was boring because everyone is so scared of the Golden State Warriors. Every NBA GM is in a weird state of depression, where they see no point in trying to make their teams better in the near future, because they really believe that they have no chance of winning the title this year.

NBA deadline comes and goes The NBA trade deadline was last Thursday, but you might not have even noticed because there were no blockbuster trades.

Mason Morgan Sports Writer

Coming into Thursday’s NBA Trade deadline, speculations and rumors were circulating around many big-time players that could possibly be on the move. Guys like Al Horford, Kevin Love, Hassan Whiteside, Dwight Howard and even Carmelo Anthony could be traded around to a contenders.

Well a grand total of zero of those guys were traded and the major NBA landscape is pretty much the same as it was before the deadline. However, some moves were made that the hardcore basketball fan would appreciate, hate or LOL at.

One of the main stories of the deadline revolves around the Orlando Magic. On Tuesday, they traded a key asset in Tobias Harris to the Detroit Pistons for Brandon Jennings and Ersan Ilyasova.

This is likely to make for more playing time for slam dunk wizard Aaron Gordon,

Women’s basketball falters into the final stretch

The women’s team dropped a pair of games against SMU and Tulane this week, going into the final leg of the regular season.

Joseph Edmunds Sports Writer

This week, the Golden Hurricane women’s basketball team faltered slightly, dropping a pair of games to conference opponents.

For their first matchup of the week, Tulsa travelled to Dallas to face the Mustangs of SMU. Early on in the game, the Mustangs’ defense was stifling. Tulsa only managed to score 6 points in each of the first two quarters, digging themselves into a large hole. At halftime, they were facing a 36–12 deficit.

The Golden Hurricane didn’t give up from there, though. They gained on the Mustangs in each of the next two quarters, but the lead turned out to be insurmountable. The game ended as a 62–45 loss for the Golden Hurricane.

In their next game, Tulsa faced another road test, this time in New Orleans, against Tulane. Though the Golden Hurricane didn’t fall behind in the opening quarter this time, they did find themselves facing a large halftime deficit again after a tough second quarter, in which they were doubled-up by the Green Wave.

The second half offered no consolation, as the lead widened in each of the final two quarters. Tulsa again struggled on offense in this game, and fell 61–42.

With the pair of losses, Tulsa dropped to 10–17 (7–9 American Athletic Conference).

They now sit at 7th place in the conference standing, with only two games, against USF and Cincinnati, before the conference tournament. First up is USF on Feb 24.

Sports

Tanking doesn’t hurt sports

22 February 2016

Though it may seem counterintuitive, the act of tanking—losing games to get better—does not pose a threat to the integrity of sports.

mouth. I don’t like the idea of tuning into a matchup only to realize that the ownership of one (or worse, both!) of the franchises secretly wants their team to lose. It feels like something out of a cheesy 80s movie. But as long as sports continue to award the worst teams in the league with the highest picks in the draft, a system that is actually intended to increase parity and competitiveness, there are teams that will try to take advantage.

And can you really blame them? Look at the Colts, who have thrived since they drafted Luck, a Hall of Fame talent off to one of the best starts to a career in NFL history. Fans of the team were actually mostly onboard with the losing strategy in 2011 because they saw it as the quickest way towards relevance again and four years later, they were right; nobody is complaining about having Luck! Still, the perceived success of tanking is divergent from sport to sport and one could argue that the strategy is different in football—where a single impactful QB could change the trajectory of a franchise—than a sport like baseball, where success is more contingent on the sum of parts making up the team and the draft is so much more mercurial.

Yet look at the Astros and the Kansas City Royals. Both have been hailed as among the most ambitious tanking jobs in baseball history, trading away established stars in order to acquire a plethora of draft picks, and both had to deal with long runs of sustained los-

ford QB Andrew Luck, the Houston Astros’ four year run as one of the worst teams in baseball in an effort to stockpile talent and the Philadelphia 76ers’ ongoing attempt to escape the doldrums of the middle ground of the NBA by drafting young talent in the hopes of uncovering a superstar.

As someone who loves watching competitive games even when my own team loses, tanking definitely leaves a bitter taste in my

ing seasons. But in 2015, both made the playoffs with the latter emerging as World Series champions and the former boasting a roster stocked full of young superstars that projects to be successful for years to come.

Win just once and the long years of suffering for a franchise are all but forgotten, just ask fans of the Boston Red Sox or Golden State Warriors. So does there exist a logical counter argument to tanking?

If there is one, it’s in the trainwreck that is the Philadelphia 76ers. Currently sitting at 8–46 and boasting a roster of glorified D-Leaguers, the 76ers are the worst team in the NBA by a significant margin. It’s been three years since they blew up their roster, tired of being stuck in the quagmire of 30–40 win NBA teams and there is hardly a light at the end of the tunnel. One can see the logic behind 76ers GM Sam Hinkie’s strategy: his team was not good enough to make the playoffs and too talented to get one of the highest picks. Basketball, more than any other major American team sport, can be dominated by a single transcendent superstar and Hinkie wanted to try his hand at acquiring the next Kareem, Jordan or LeBron. The only problem is that he hasn’t even come close to succeeding. But it’s not like he hasn’t drafted talent! Michael Carter-Williams was the Rookie of the Year two seasons ago, Jahlil Okafor is in the mix this year and Joel Embiid—yet to play an NBA game due to injury—is one of the most imposing physical specimens in league history.

But for whatever reason you want to ascribe it to, be it bad coaching, poor chemistry or just a serious case of the injury bug, the team appears no closer to returning to relevance than when it started. There is a lingering fear amongst many fans and league insiders that the team’s efforts might all be for naught.

So with all that, why do I support tanking? Two years from now, perhaps after the 76ers draft the next big “sure-thing” superstar Ben Simmons and become a force, we’ll be able to disregard that entire last paragraph. We are forced to examine their lack of success through the prism of the moment and that’s just not fair when we can see how other tanking teams had the strategy ultimately work in their favor. The bottom line is that a team’s ownership has the right to do whatever it takes within the rules to get better, and as long as the players they do put out there aren’t trying to lose (which nobody would, since every individual is always playing for their future in the league), how can we sit here and fault a team for simply having a weak roster?

Pitchers, catchers and position players reporting to Arizona and Florida can only mean one thing.

Baseball is back.

ries to now feel even longer than the NFL’s offseason, which is the longest professional offseason, is that Major League Baseball isn’t constantly shoving baseball down our throats like the NFL, who makes even small events, like releasing the next season’s schedule, into a holiday for the sport.

In fact, the biggest event in MLB was the opening to free agency back in December, and since then there haven’t been any major headlines in the world of baseball.

Spring Training serves a couple of purposes for the teams. It first allows their players to work out and prepare their bodies for the long slog of a 162-game season. Baseball, while not as physically demanding as football or hockey, is still exhausting for almost every player because they go weeks with only three or four days off in the dead of summer.

The second purpose for the teams is to see just how their new pieces are going to fit in, and lets them try out players from their farm system to determine if anyone should get the call up to the majors. While it doesn’t happen all the time, sometimes there is a player that goes above and beyond what the team expects him to produce and he gets that call-up.

The final purpose for teams is the increased exposure they get from being in teams. They can expand their fan base into a part of the country they would otherwise

have no right in having (except the Diamondbacks, Rays and Marlins), and Spring Training becomes something of a pilgrimage for baseball fans across the country who travel during their spring breaks, or whenever they get a chance.

I’ve gone down to Florida twice for Spring Training, and while the games themselves aren’t great (they are exhibitions after all), the experience is what made it truly incredible. There is no other time or place where you get to be that close to the players during their practices, to the point where after taking a batting practice session they can just walk over to you and start talking about random things.

Or one of your team’s legends walks by and signs your hat while wishing you a happy birthday. That’s how you earn lifelong fans, by connecting directly with the people you consider fans. As much as people hate St. Louis fans because they think they are obnoxious (I would prefer the term “proud”), the reason the Cardinals have built such a large and loyal fanbase is because of things like Spring Training. That extends beyond the Cardinals organization, as every team has the opportunity to build up their fan base as they build up their team.

So as baseball comes back into our lives and spring is just around the corner, let’s tell Roger that he can stop looking out the window and go play.

Justin Guglielmetti Student Writer A few weeks ago I wrote an editorial decrying the boring and pointless nature of All-Star games as undermining the true spirit of sports: competition. And yet now I am about to defend something which many pundits view as a far more pressing threat to the integrity of sports, a practice that they say turns off fans and actually incentivises the negative aspect of sports, losing. I speak of course of tanking.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, tanking refers to the idea of a team intentionally losing—or more accurately, placing itself in a position to lose—with the intention of reaping long-term benefits, usually in the form of acquiring of new player through the draft. In the 21st century sports world where stuffy traditions and “unwritten rules” are becoming increasingly unpopular, the supposedly dishonorable tactic of tanking is becoming more and more prevalent. Famous recent examples include the Indianapolis Colts’ “Suck for Luck” campaign to secure the draft rights to Stan-

“A team’s ownership has the right to do whatever it takes within the rules to get better”

Take me out to Spring Training Matt Rechtien Sports Editor

Roger Hornsby, one of baseball’s greats, once said, “People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.”

After what seemed like forever, which for me has been since Oct 13, when the Cardinals were knocked out by the Cubs in the NLDS, or when the Royals won Game 5 of the World Series for everyone else, baseball is finally back! Well kind of. Following a tradition dating back to 1910, this week is the first full week of Spring Training.

For baseball fans, who suffer from the second-longest offseason among professional sports (152 days roughly) in the United States, the mere arrival of pitchers and catchers to Arizona or Florida is treated as one of the best times of the year. It’s the first opportunity most spectators get to see the new pieces that their team added, to see how their team will stack up against everyone else in the league or just to finally watch some real baseball once again.

What makes the wait from the World Se-

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Men’s Basketball vs. Temple 6:00 p.m. Women’s

Women’s Golf @ Amelia Women’s Island Golf Collegiate @ Amelia Island Collegiate

Basketball vs. USF 7:00 p.m.

Thursday

Soccer spring schedule The men’s soccer spring schedule was announced this week and it includes two games against professional teams. The first is against the Tulsa Roughnecks at Hurricane Stadium on March 10. The second is against the Swope Park Rangers, the USL affiliate of Sporting KC, in Kansas City on April 16, the only road trip in the spring season. In addition to the two professional team the Golden Hurricane will also host Missouri State, Northeastern State, Midwestern State and Oral Roberts throughout March and April.

US team tryouts Two members of the volleyball team traveled to Colorado Spring this past weekend to try out for the United States Collegiate National Team. Brooke Berryhill and Erica Bohannon were two of 231 athletes that were participating in the event. Bohannon finished the 2015 season with 515 kills, which was 17th in the nation, and 567 total points, 23rd in the nation. Berryhill had 623 digs in 2015, 15th in the nation and is second on Tulsa’s alltime digs career list. USA Volleyball will announce its selections for the team by the end of March.

Softball at UTSA Classic The women’s softball team traveled to San Antonio for another early season tournament. They opened up the tournament on Friday with wins over Virginia (4–3) and North Dakota (15–0, 6 innings) to push their overall record to 5–2. In the second day of the tournament they beat Texas A&M Corpus Christi in the daygame, where Caitlin Sill recorded her 10th career save, breaking the record for most saves at Tulsa. In the night-cap Emily Watson recorded 17 strikeouts, tying the school record, in a 6–0, two-hit shutout of host University of Texas San Antonio.

Cross Country academic distinction The men and women’s cross country teams earned team and individual academic awards from the U.S. Track and Field and Cross Country Coaches Association (USTFCCCA). The men’s 3.59 GPA was the sixth highest in Divsion I Cross Country and, for the fourth consecutive year, the highest team GPA to qualify for NCAA Men’s Cross Country National Championships. The women’s team earned the award as well with a 3.488 cumulative GPA. Marc Scott and Ben Preisner earned individual awards on the men’s side while Nicole Lee earned the award on the women’s side.

New deal with Adidas On Tuesday the University announced a new deal with Adidas for all sports. Previously each sport had their own uiform deal, which is why football and basketball were with Nike while men’s soccer was with Adidas. The new deal will be in effect for eight years.

: Feb 22–28 Friday

Women’s Tennis vs. North Texas 5:00 p.m.

No Events

The Collegian: 7

Softball vs. Weber State 9:00 a.m.

Softball @ Texas 2:30 p.m.

Men’s Golf @ The Hayt

Saturday

Softball @ Texas 10:00 a.m.

Women’s Basketball @ Cincinnati 12:00 p.m.

Men’s Tennis vs. Washington 3:00 p.m.

Softball vs. Abilene Christian 3:00 p.m.

Men’s Golf @ The Hayt

Sunday

Women’s Tennis vs. USF 10:00 a.m.

Men’s Basketball @ Memphis 3:00 p.m.

Softball vs. Illinois 12:00 p.m.

Men’s Tennis @ Michigan 12:00 p.m.

Men’s Golf @ The Hayt Indoor Track @ The Amrican Championships

Variety

“The Drunkard” legacy tinged with touristy affectation

the Collegian: 8

22 February 2016

courtesy Tulsa Spotlight Theatre

The Drunkard was written during Prohibition era America, and warns against the evils of alcohol use.

“The Drunkard,” America’s longest running play, has been at the Tulsa Spotlight Theatre since 1953.

Unfortunately, the play tries so hard to be an institution that it often covers up its own authenticity.

Hannah Kloppenburg Commentary Editor The Spotlight Theatre is tucked along the Arkansas River, hidden on a corner that’s mostly surrounded by houses. It’s a strange little building, built in Tulsa’s typical art deco style with tall, angular walls and a giant, circular window facing the street.

A large banner hanging from the side of the building read: “TONIGHT: THE DRUNKARD and THE OLIO.” The Spotlight Theatre’s production of The Drunkard is the longest continuously running play in the United States. I was vaguely skeptical of this claim, but believe it or not, the show has been performed weekly at the Spotlight Theatre since 1953.

A group of local actors created the “Tulsa Spotlighter’s Club” in 1953, later re-grouping to create “The Tulsa Spotlighters, Inc,” the non-profit organization which owns the theatre today.

The theater itself was very old and very small, featuring an entryway with two steep and narrow staircases and an art decoesque chandelier. The walls were a quirky shade of faded blue-green and it looked like not much had

changed in the past several years.

We were seated at a tiny table right along the edge of the stage, complete with red checkered tablecloth.

The Saturday night show at Tulsa’s Spotlight Theatre has two parts: The Olio and The Drunkard. An Olio is like a talent show of sorts, a chance for amateur performers to showcase their skills to the crowd. I’m a fan of variety shows and talent shows, so I enjoyed it.

This particular Saturday night featured two performers. The first was Scott Radford, listed in the program as “Talented Singer.” He was, in fact, a talented singer, and played a couple of pleasant acoustic guitar covers for the crowd.

The second performer was Sam Adkins, the “Singing Sheriff of Cedarville,” who was also the emcee. The Singing Sheriff was a red-bearded man in a cowboy hat and glittery vest who played some old-country guitar covers. He was very out of tune and off tempo at times, but seemed to be having the time of his life, and the crowd was caught up in his enthusiasm.

The Olio was followed by a short intermission before The Drunkard began. Every intermission featured a very impassioned piano sing-along of old-timey favorites such as “This Land is Your Land.”

Before the show began, the hero of the production came onstage to tell us that The Drunkard was reliant on audience participation.

Therefore, we should cheer for the hero, boo the villain as loudly as possible and when the time came, we were supposed to throw plush

tomatoes at him too.

The Drunkard was written during the Prohibition era, so the entire show is a warning against the eeeevils of alcohol. It follows the stories of several citizens in a town which has recently gained a brewery: A young hero who ultimately falls to drink and the violence of a cunning villain, a miller-turnedpub owner whose life is ruined by alcohol, and a reformed drunkard and his family.

I was surprised to find that most of the volunteer actors were very talented. The most notable performances came from Tim Parker as goofy town bumpkin Sample Switchel, and Mary Rose Rich as Mary Morgan, the melodramatic and bubbly daughter of the drunkard.

to throw at the villain for $1 a pop.

I was irritated by this and rented no tomatoes in protest. However, I have to admit it was funny to see the villain be pelted by them, especially with his very goofy and outraged facial expressions. The villain also swept about the stage with lots of very dramatic and haughty cape-swooshing, much to the delight of the audience.

My overall impression of The Drunkard and the Spotlight Theatre constantly wobbled along the line between a hilarious, genuine tradition and a kitschy tourist trap.

The tickets were pretty expensive, and food cost extra after that.

Details like souvenir mugs for bottomless coffee and a paper ticket that said “Souvenir ticket” in the corner made me chuckle at the ap-

Many of the audience members were clearly regulars who knew parts of the script and songs.

Both staff members and performers mentioned that the Spotlight was their home or that they had a personal connection to the traditions at the theatre. Donations were also encouraged because the theatre was built in the 20s and is in need of renovations; as a nonprofit organization, Tulsa Spotlighters, Inc, cannot fund all of the repairs on its own. This may account for some of the seemingly unnecessary expenses.

When it comes down to it, I really enjoyed my experience with The Drunkard. It was wacky, exciting and fun, but it was also slightly tainted by the obvious money grabs and, to be honest, it’s

“It was wacky, exciting and fun, but it was tainted by the obvious money grabs.”

They greatly exaggerated their motions, as per tradition—the emcee explained that this was a typical acting style at the time when the show was written. There was also quite a bit of bold makeup.

Very red cheeks and pounds and pounds of eyeliner.

The show was hilarious, partly because of the comical gestures and jokes made by the actors, and partly because the dangers of alcohol were hugely exaggerated in the play.

We were interrupted by several intermissions, one of which was an opportunity for us to rent tomatoes

parent attempts to make the show into some sort of artificially profound experience. Even the tomatoes had to be rented.

With that said, the clear attempts to make the show into a tradition through souvenirs and keepsakes baffled me because the show already seemed to be something genuine of its own accord.

You can’t deny that The Drunkard is something special simply because of its permanence in the Tulsa community, but other than that, everyone seemed to be genuinely having a great time and enjoying their involvement with the show.

not likely that I would go again because the tickets were $18 and I am but a poor college student.

However, I am interested in looking into some of the Spotlight Theatre’s other productions.

I would recommend The Drunkard it if you’re willing to splurge for a night out or a date—it’s a delightful Tulsa tradition, albeit a slightly expensive one.

And hey, I got a souvenir mug out of the deal embellished with an illustration of the villain dramatically swooshing his cape. It doesn’t get much better than that.

“The Witch” a refreshing contribution to the occult horror genre

Director Robert Eggers’ cinematic debut, “The Witch,” is torturous and artfully human, despite sometimes not knowing when to stop.

Trenton Gibbons Distribution Manager The Witch is a story that is almost impossible to modernize, but that doesn’t mean a dozen other films haven’t tried anyway. Slasher flicks in which naive city-folk venture out into—and soon fall victim to—the wilderness require a sizeable suspension of disbelief on the part of the viewer. Thankfully, questions like, “why don’t

they just leave?” or “Shouldn’t they call the police?” are quickly dismissed by The Witch, on account of its setting and time period.

An early 1600s New England family is banished from their colony and opts to move into the wood, where they believe they can make a home for themselves. They’re a devotional lot, incessantly reciting scripture, and often begging for God’s forgiveness in their time alone. The wood proves too much for them, however, as they are soon plagued by ungodly trials and gripping paranoia.

The film begins with a title-card claiming it as a “New England Folk-Tale.” This is an apt description considering the dialogue between the family members, which doesn’t exactly sound natural. In

fact, much of the dialogue was plucked from the literature of the time period, creating, for the children at least, lines that come off as uncharacteristically articulate. Despite this, the family feels deeply human, an impressive feat considering their strict faith. It is these human aspects which help make the movie so disturbing.

When the father allows his wife to berate their daughter for his own wrongdoings, we feel disgusted.

When the camera gives us a POV shot of a young boy eyeing his sister’s chest, it puts the audience into a deeply uncomfortable position. We understand his torturous thoughts without being told them, and that unspoken connection lets us in on a very personal kind of guilt.

The Witch is at its strongest

when the family is at each other’s throats. We feel the gripping paranoia which drives them, which causes them to lash out at one another. Accusations of curses, witchcraft and sinful acts pass freely between them. Which is why it’s strange that the movie decides to spoil this element of mystery for its audience. To my surprise, the titular antagonist is clearly visible in the first act. An unsightly old woman with wispy hair convulses in her decrepit cabin, cackling as she covers herself in an infant’s blood. In a less talented filmmaker’s hands, it might have been comical. In The Witch it’s simply depraved.

The Witch strikes an impressive balance. It’s practically blasphemous without feeling sacrilegious.

While its characters suffer, it never

feels gleefully sadistic. The whole thing is paced so excellently as to feel like a slow yet engaging descent into despair.

For all its noteworthy positives, The Witch has but one serious strike against it: a conclusion that becomes much too explicit and drags on far too long. Several times I thought the film was over when another scene would begin.

I witnessed this reluctantly, as the evil that plagued the family lost more and more of its mystery as the minutes accrued.

Besides this flaw, I would still strongly recommend the film to horror enthusiasts. Laden with graphic imagery and satanic symbolism, The Witch captures brilliantly the horrors of isolation, guilt and the godless wilderness.

Variety

22 February 2016

the Collegian: 9

The Fast and Furious series is unique in a lot of ways. It’s the only franchise that I know of to never use the same naming scheme for any of its movies, it’s the only franchise, except maybe Harry Potter, to still be improving after seven films, and it gives a metric for evaluation right in the title. If a Fast and Furious film is both fast and furious, it must have fulfilled its purpose. With that in mind, student writer Sam Chott watched every film in the series and ranked them.

“The Fast and the Furious” For a series that consistently makes top-ten lists of the highest grossing franchises, The Fast and the Furious has a surprisingly subdued start. Paul Walker plays Brian O’Conner, a cop who goes undercover in a street racing gang, led by Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel).

As tends to happen, Brian gets in too far, developing an obligatory romance with Dominic’s sister, but also a bromance with Dom that ultimately drives the entire series.

If it sounds like Point Break except with street racing, that’s because it mostly is, but it’s worthwhile on its own merits and it starts off the franchise, both plot-wise and thematically.

Fast: 8/10: The first entry in the franchise is probably the film most concerned with depicting raw speed. Unlike the complicated setpiece chases in the later films, The Fast and The Furious is mostly concerned with drag racing, which means that most of the races in the film could boil down to shots of the racers’ faces while they go into some kind of speed-induced grimace.

Thankfully, somebody, maybe director Rob Cohen, was too smart for that, and gave us some variety in terms of cinematography, including a few bumper-level midrace shots and a CGI view of an engine starting which could still hold its own against today’s B-movies.

Furious: 2/10: Unfortunately, The Fast and The Furious is lacking in the fury.

Admittedly, the title could be interpreted several different ways, with the Furious possibly referring to Vin Deisel’s character, who has an anger problem, or to Johnny Tran, the most clear-cut antagonist, or even to the furious world that the characters seek to escape by street racing.

The fact is that I’m looking for some Mad Max-style furious, and the movie disappoints. Despite an admittedly thrilling sequence concerned with rescuing a character from the hood of a moving semi and a short gunfight, the film is mostly whatever the opposite of furious is.

“2 Fast 2 Furious” With an even more cliched, go-undercover-and-catch-a-cartel plot, this is the movie that everyone pretends doesn’t exist. Admittedly, it introduced several series regulars, such as Tej Parker, played with surprising deftness by Ludacris, and I have trouble hating a movie with characters that seriously consider stopping a boat by jumping a car into it.

However, it has uneven pacing, there’s no Vin Diesel, Brian does the thing where he falls in love with a woman for no reason, and the only female Asian driver in the series is given a pink car with anime decals, because that’s just the kind of movie this is.

Fast: 3/10: If you thought that the Fast & Furious series gets by on being fast, 2 Fast 2 Furious provides a compelling counterexample. In the rest of the series, whenever Vin Diesel gives a speech about family, which is apparently his favorite hobby besides street racing, it feels corny and cloying. Without that grounding, though, the films turn into what their harshest critics believe them to be–indulgent displays of excess.

The main characters are basically only interested in helping themselves and going fast, and the supporting characters don’t really seem to have lives of their own, beyond going fast, obviously.

The movie is aptly named, if only because it’s too fast for it’s own good.

Furious: 2/10: It’s also not very furious, to be honest. Just like the first film, there aren’t many scenes dedicated to fury over fast. Since we don’t really have a reason to car e about the characters, we don’t really care how furiously they behave, even if that includes the aforementioned jumping a car into a boat. With its more traditional action movie trappings of guns and cartels, this is also the first movie to invite comparisons to the excesses of the later films.

Even though Paul Walker hanging halfway out of a car is objectively thrilling, it really can’t compete with what Paul Walker gets up to in later movies.

“The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift” This film is another series outlier. It completely discards the cast and plot of the previous two films to tell a story about a high school delinquent who’s given a choice between Tokyo and jail after a disastrous street racing accident.

Putting aside what that choice says about the writer’s opinions of Japan, it gives newcomer director Justin Lin, who directed entries three through six, a great chance to showcase a tighter, less roomy country. Incidentally, this film also introduces and kills off Han, a character so popular that the next three movies are made into prequels of this one, just so that they can have Han in them.

Fast: 7/10: The claustrophobic confines of Tokyo are a far cry from the open cities of LA and Miami from the last two movies. This allows for the titular drifting, which is essentially just oversteering and letting your car slide sideways. Combined with the fact that Tokyo is basically one of the prettiest cities in the world, drifting allows for some of the best driving shots in the series. Whether it’s a cheesy slow-mo shot of a car’s bumper just barely avoiding a wall, or a legitimately beautiful shot of a group of cars drifting, almost floating, through a dense crowd, the cars in this film could

go the slowest, but they would still look the best doing it.

Furious: 6/10: On the surface, the movie doesn’t seem particularly furious.

Since it deals with high schoolers, it starts off with the lowest stakes in the series. However, this lets us actually understand how much trouble the characters are in. Unlike the other movies, where nobody even bats an eye at the fact that they’re being shot at, we actually get to experience the transition from carefree street racing to street racing where the Yakuza kills you if you lose. Where the later films in the series deal mostly in the loud, throwing-cars-out-ofa-plane kind of tension, this is the last film to seriously utilize the quiet kind of tension, and it pays off in furiousness.

an action-heist. During the obligatory bringing-the-team together montage, the franchise shows its greatest strength–it has a history, but you’re not required to know it.

Every character brought in for the heist–Ludacris, the one female character from the last film, Han, Roman–has played a part in the series before, and we know them and like them, but if this is the first movie you see, as it was for many people, you don’t miss much.

Let’s see Marvel pull that off.

Fast: 3/10: There’s not much racing here, but it’s still the Fast and Furious series, so everything is somehow still about cars. A heist of cars goes wrong when some of the heisters turn on other heisters, and

courtesy WikiCommons

“Fast & Furious” The confusingly-named fourth entry in the series loses the “the’s,” and apparently trades them in for a forgettable movie. It’s not that it’s that bad–it’s at least better than 2 Fast–it’s just that it’s sandwiched between the two best movies in the series, and it largely just rehashes things we’ve already seen. Brian’s a cop again, and Dom’s still a criminal, and they do basically the same thing they did in the first movie, except now there’s a bigger criminal that they’re both after, since he killed Dom’s girlfriend. If you decide to marathon the series, which is an exceptionally good idea, you could just skip this one, or replace it with any other action movie, and have a better time.

Fast: Who cares/10 Furious: Watch The Raid instead/10 “Fast Five” This is where things actually start to get furious. Fast Five is a turning point for the series, less of a street racing movie and more of

it turns out one of the cars contains a microchip detailing where all of a cartel’s money is kept.

Just when you thought the word “heist” was about to lose all meaning, the characters decide to plan a heist to heist that money. Unfortunately, the only actual car chase in the film isn’t especially fast, since the cars are dragging an entire bank vault behind them. Apparently when you live in the Fast and Furious universe, that’s a reasonable plan.

Furious: 5/10: Along with a new focus come some growing pains as the film tries to figure out how realistic it wants to be. The first segments, featuring Paul Walker hanging off of a car which is hanging out of a train, and a chase across the rooftops of Rio de Janeiro, are pretty standard as action movies go.

While furious, they seem within the realm of possibility. When two cars pull a vault out of a police station and start using it like a flail, though, suspensions of belief

might be strained. While it certainly has a lot of aspirations toward fury, there’s a little awkwardness in bringing it to bear.

“Fast & Furious 6” If the series was going through an awkward adolescence in Fast Five, then Fast & Furious 6 is it emerging from its pimply, acnescarred cocoon and learning to fly.

The series has essentially dropped its criminal origins, as Dom and friends help Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s character catch an international criminal in exchange for amnesty, and a return to the United States.

Fast: 8/10 Furious: 8/10: We’re back to car chases, but with more of a twist than the street races of the first four films. While the main characters drive their typical modded street racers, the villains drive terrifying ramp-cars that are something between Formula One cars and tanks. There’s also a sequence where a tank bursts out of a truck, and they have to streetrace it, which sounds a lot more stupid than it is. The climax of the film comes when they have to streetrace a plane, which ends with Vin Diesel jumping a car out the cockpit of a plane as it explodes. The racing is over-the-top, but somehow it all works.

“Furious 7” I’m really glad that the latest entry in the Fast and Furious series is named after its defining characteristic, because this is the most furious thing I’ve ever seen. This movie single handedly merits the inclusion of the word ‘furious’ in the English language. I refuse to evaluate the fastness of this film on principle, because any evaluation other than that of fury misses the point.

To give some context, the villain, played by Jason Statham, himself a pretty furious dude, is revealed to have been responsible for the death of Han, which, given how much I like Han, made me furious. It also made Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Dwayne Johnson pretty furious, because they go on to do some pretty furious things, as in they jump a car out of a skyscraper into another skyscraper.

Fast: It doesn’t even matter at this point/10 Furious: 10/10 This is a movie where, when you’re getting attacked by a drone, you drive an ambulance into it, then shoot it in its drone face with your revolver. When you can’t get your car past a mountain, you have a plane fly you over the mountain, then you drop your car onto the mountain. If that had been it, I would have written off the movie as just another male power fantasy, but it manages to retain enough of the series’ sentimentality that the characters still seem grounded, despite being airborne while jumping their car into a helicopter.

TwentyOne+ Orange Dream Custom cocktail creations and accompanying critiques presented

by TU’s own hobbyist mixologist.

Sara Douglas Student Writer

1.5 oz. vodka 1 oz. triple sec 0.5oz. orange curaçao 0.5 oz. simple syrup 2 oz. orange juice 1 oz. egg white 1 oz. cream 0.5 tsp. vanilla club soda orange slice

Shake all ingredients except soda over ice until very cold and foamy.

Strain into chilled glass and top with club soda until drink fizzes over brim.

Serve with an orange slice and a straw.

Drink this if: You want a taste of nostalgia to bring you back to summers chasing ice cream trucks and sipping fresh-squeezed orange juice. This cocktail is an orange creamsicle in its finest, foamiest, freshest form. Don’t skimp on the shaking or you’ll miss out on luscious creaminess!

For maximum indulgence, serve over a scoop of vanilla ice cream or orange sherbert.

photo by Sara Douglas

Variety

the Collegian: 10

22 February 2016

Panel discusses the importance of “Jessica Jones” and rape culture

Jessica Jones is a new, dark hero. She is not a perfect person or a perfect victim.

The show explores Jessica’s story as a rape survivor and her relationship with her rapist, Kilgrave.

Michaela Flonard Student Writer

Last Thursday, the University of Tulsa’s Institute of Trauma, Adversity and Injustice and the department of Women’s and Gender Studies hosted a discussion over the Netflix series Jessica Jones and trauma. Dr. Jennifer Airey, associate professor of English, along Jim Scholl (PhD candidate in Psychology) and Carlos Acosta-Ponce (PhD candidate in English) hosted.

When the show picks up, Jessica is working as a private detective after a short stint as a superhero, where she met Kilgrave. Kilgrave, the main antagonist of the series, controls others through his voice.

For a considerable amount of time, he controlled Jessica, making her do and say whatever he wished.

Airey said her interest in the show arose from it taking “the traditional narratives of rape and exposing them as constructs.” Jessica is a rape survivor, and others in the show are suffering from other sorts of trauma. Notably, her friend, Trish Walker, was abused as a child by her mother. Scholl said the show was a “fairly accurate portrayal of the experience and reaction to trauma.” Acosta-Ponce, who was interested in the comic book side of the show, found it a “strange case in terms of popular culture.” Jones is a relatively new hero, debuting in 2001, with little established nemeses or backstory.

Several students in attendance

courtesy Netflix

Kilgrave is the rapist who doesn’t think it was rape if he made his victims enjoy it.

defensive power, his invulnerable skin, but Jessica overpowers him in terms of strength. Jessica’s role as a detective also reversed the common setup of traditional noir detective roles, which has a damaged male character as the lead.

The topic of Luke Cage was brought up at many points during the discussion, as well. Cage began as a “Hero for Hire,” which Carlos said was, at the time of

differs from his original portrayal, in which he was only in it for the money.

Cage also served as a portrayal of trauma; his wife was murdered.

Scholl argued that his response to this event resembled avoidance.

One student questioned if Jones was further victimizing Cage; she stalks him and conceals that she murdered his wife, under Kilgrave’s influence. Because Cage

expressed a belief that the show redefined heroism for men and women. Kilgrave relies on manipulation to exert his will, and has no physical strength. Jessica, by contrast, has super-strength, along with a slight flying ability. Luke Cage, her lover, has a primarily

his creation, a reflection of ideas about Black males. This incarnation, however, saw him portrayed as more passive, which Carlos believed is a response to a new type of Black masculinity. “This is a guy who’d be happy with a domestic life,” he noted, which

is a “hulking Black man,” another pointed out, viewers might not question the morality of Jones’ actions. But his reaction to Jones’ betrayal, when he finally learns she knew she killed his wife, shows the unbreakable man finally break.

Unlike many superhero movies

This week TU performed Eve Ensler’s famous “Vagina Monologues.” The production explores vaginas and aspects of womanhood through first person narratives.

mine at DePaul acted in a production that sold chocolate vulvas) and other memorabilia.

“The Vagina Monologues” is always performed on or near V-Day, February 14. V-Day is a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. TU’s 2016 production benefits the Domestic Violence Intervention Services of Tulsa (DIVIST).

This year’s production was directed by Whitney Cipolla. Rather than being a one-act two-act sort of drama, it was set up more like a slam poetry event. Monologues were interspersed with bits of narration by Jennifer Steward, and the performers wore black outfits accented with red shoes or red cardigans.

Each monologue reflects the experiences of an individual woman, from 6-year-olds to 70-year-olds.

The entire play is based on a series of interviews with women about their vaginas, their thoughts on them, their experiences with them, et cetera. This structure, combined with the costumes and the setup of the play, contributed to an organic, intimate atmosphere.

The monologues were hilarious, truthful and sometimes bitterly sad. Some women clearly had good experiences with their vaginas, and some monologues either joked about them or centered around women’s experiences with learning about themselves.

Unfortunately, some of the common themes that I noticed throughout the play were confusion, misunderstanding and pain.

One of the best performances, “The Flood,” was by Asura, who played an old woman who had an embarrassing vagina-related experience with a teenage boy and never really talked about her vagina or explored her sexuality again.

The woman’s story was hilarious and saucy, but also a little bittersweet—in a sense, she’d hidden a part of herself.

“My Angry Vagina,” recited beautifully by Gracie Weiderhaft, was a heated and sassy condemnation of all the bullshit—like torturous gyno exams and dry cotton tampons—that vaginas have to endure.

“My Vagina Was My Village,” performed by Whitney Cipolla, was a heartbreaking before-andafter monologue about Bosnian women subjected to rape camps and read in tribute of all women who have been raped.

It was refreshing to see that the show is by women, for all sorts of women. Transgender women were given a nod in a heart-wrenching group monologue about the experiences of several women, “They Beat The Girl Out Of My Boy, Or So They Tried.” There was a bit of cheeky feminist humor in the narration preceding one monologue, which garnered some chuckles from the audience: “This story is about a woman who had a good experience with a man.”

Most of the humor was so effective because it addressed specific aspects of womanhood, and it was refreshing to hear someone talk about them, even laugh about

“Redemption and forgiveness of Kilgrave was not a part of ‘Jessica Jones.’”

or TV shows, Jessica Jones also features several sex scenes. One student pointed out, however, that in these scenes, she has the most control. Carlos agreed, saying that the show had “moved beyond [flight and tights]” and didn’t need the nudity of Jones.

Redemption and forgiveness of Kilgrave was not a part of Jessica Jones, which all involved felt was important. “The show was about redemption and forgiveness,” one student said, “but not having to redeem or forgive the abuser.” Airey said society often pressured people, especially women, to forgive their abuser, citing “The Beauty and the Beast” as a classic example. Forgiveness narratives make people feel more comfortable in what rape is, she added.

Carlos viewed Kilgrave as “every rape apologist ever,” who doesn’t think he’s a rapist because he made his victims enjoy it. Mak-

ing rapists into monsters is an easy task, so many applauded the show’s portrayal of Kilgrave as a charming, attractive British man.

Throughout the discussion, a repeated theme was the ambiguity of the show. Kilgrave tells Jones he was abused as a child; it’s unclear whether he was telling the truth.

Other characters are shown in behaviour that could be viewed as abusive or controlling.

“The show doesn’t allow you to make blatant statements about any of the characters,” Scholl concluded. But, students noted, while Jones may not be a perfect, good person, what happens to her is inexcusable. In this way, the show fights against the “good victim” narrative, which allows sympathy and saving only for the pure.

Those with ideas for future discussion topics for the Pop Culture & Trauma series should contact jennifer-airey@utulsa.edu.

“The Vagina Monologues” normalize vulvas through humor, sass and sadness Hannah Kloppenburg Commentary Editor

I’m not sure what I expected going into a production called “The Vagina Monologues.” Maybe some sort of quirky, feminist-inspired rom com? An intro to feminist discourse?

I wasn’t expecting to learn so much about other women and about myself. I wasn’t expecting to be forced to think about things I’d never really thought deeply about before.

And, though it may seem counterintuitive, I didn’t actually expect there to be so many vaginas everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Vagina paintings, vagina pins, vagina-inspired cupcakes, even a giant cardboard vagina cutout.

More vaginas than I have ever seen in one place at the same time.

This is a part of the culture that goes along with productions of “The Vagina Monologues.” One of the main aims of the show is to de-stigmatize the vagina—to talk about it like you would any other body part, to celebrate its importance and uniqueness in womanhood. Thus, vagina-shaped everything. Shows tend to offer vagina-inspired treats (a friend of

photo by Sara Douglas

Vulva-themed refreshments are a staple of “The Vagina Monologues.”

them. I felt as though I was bonding with a community that I didn’t always realize I was a part of.

I will say that “The Vagina Monologues” was super graphic, to the point where even I was a bit uncomfortable at times—and I don’t consider myself to be a squeamish person or someone who’s uncomfortable with my own womanhood. And it was admittedly a bit of a shock to see artistic depictions of vaginas on every available surface.

That’s the point of the monologues, though. They’re supposed to make you uncomfortable.

They’re supposed to be honest and

open and make you question why you might be uncomfortable with seeing or talking about vaginas.

And they’re supposed to celebrate one of the most basic aspects of womanhood.

I highly recommend seeing “The Vagina Monologues” in the event that TU hosts a production next years (and I truly hope that we do). Though the play is a celebration for women and gives women quite a bit to think about, it’s also a fantastic learning opportunity for those who aren’t familiar with the experiences of women. I laughed, learned, and maybe cried a little (Maybe. But who’s watching?).

Commentary

22 February 2016

The Collegian: 11

28 people in Tulsa & 147 people in Oklahoma 1 2 3 4 5

OKLAHOMA

of the 16 Oklahoman women killed in 2013 were killed by a gunshot wound from a current or ex-partner.

...

ranked third as of 2013 for women killed by men in single offender, single victim homicides.

fatally shot by their dating partner, spouse or former spouse between 2006 and 2014, according to law enforcement and FBI.

10 11 12

among top ten states for most women killed by men for past three years.

Domestic abuse-related firearm seizure laws have led to a reduction in intimate partner homicides.

19%

<

Women are more likely than men to be killed by an intimate partner.

graphic by Elias Brinkman

Oklahoma should pass gun laws for domestic abuse situations Statistics show a disproportionate rate of women are killed by men with guns in Oklahoma. Many of these homicides were committed by a dating partner, spouse or former partner.

Gun laws which could help prevent women’s deaths in domestic abuse situations don’t get far because of opposition from interest groups like the NRA. Nathan Gibbons Student Writer Oklahoma is one of many states that doesn’t have strict laws surrounding domestic abuse violations and firearm possession. According to law enforcement and FBI data, 28 people in Tulsa and a total of 147 in Oklahoma were

fatally shot by their dating partner, spouse or former spouse between 2006 and 2014. This gun violence is disproportionate towards women, landing Oklahoma as one of the top ten states with the highest number of women killed by men for the last three years.

Guns seem like a clear problem in homes housing domestic abuse, and many states have implemented stricter laws that can strip dangerous households of their firearms.

However, Oklahoma law states that a firearm can only be taken in domestic abuse cases ‘provided an arrest is made, if possible, at the same time.’

This means that guns, should that small window of opportunity be missed, will remain in violent households.

You’d think common sense would win out in most cases, but the case of the now deceased Ms. Dye proves otherwise. Living in Oklahoma, Ms. Dye filed for divorce in July of 2010 and obtained

an emergency order of protection from her husband, Raymond Dye. She and her family knew that he owned guns, and asked local police that they be removed. The pleas were not answered. Weeks later, her truck was blocked in at a bank parking lot by her husband who shot her to death with a .357 revolver and killed himself with a .45 caliber semiautomatic pistol.

In Washington, Stephanie Holten almost lost her life to lax surrender laws. Although she specifically informed the court that her former husband had threatened to put a gun in her mouth and kill her, the only actions that were taken were to prevent Mr. Holten from approaching her.

Twelve hours after being served the order, Mr. Holten trapped Stephanie and her children in her home with a semi automatic rifle bought months before. Luckily, she managed to contact police in time to stop her family’s murder, but the fact that this confrontation

can be even be reached despite such clear warnings is baffling.

If common sense in legislation is ignored, some interest group can likely be blamed. Like so many other cases that have led to the loss of human life in recent years, the National Rifle Association seems a likely candidate. After a Washington Democrat pushed a bill requiring the surrender of firearms under temporary protective orders, the NRA claimed it granted “extraordinarily broad authority to strip firearms rights.” Despite the counterargument that a temporary protective order’s issue is the most dangerous time for potential victims and that the seizure may only be temporary, the bill was not passed.

On the other hand, California, Hawaii and Massachusetts seize firearms in all cases of domestic abuse. Several other states have variations of seizure, including Connecticut and Florida, who prohibit gun possession in cases of

protective orders. All these changes have led to a nineteen percent reduction in intimate partner homicides. Compare this to Oklahoma, where half of the 16 women killed in 2013 by their current or ex-partner were fatally shot.

With defensive interest groups like the NRA, common sense legislation that would allow the confiscation of firearms during the ‘cooling off’ of a protective order can’t be passed. The NRA even stopped a moderate bill in Washington claiming that guns should be seized only when full protective orders are announced.

At this point, the issue has very little to do with citizens’ rights and more to do with a power hold on legislation. Well-meant bills are being turned away as useless ‘power grabs’ by anti-gun parties.

If the NRA continues to blindly bark at any gun legislation laws, more people will be hurt in cases where a shooting could have been avoided.

HB 2428 harms foster children and parents

A recently proposed house bill would allow for religious discrimination in the foster care system and could prevent children from being placed in loving homes due to religious bias.

Kayleigh Thesenvitz News Editor It’s a worn out story, almost a cliché lately, that once again in the great state of Oklahoma government officials are attempting to use their status as such to force their religious beliefs on everyone else. This time, in an act of selfrighteous avarice, they are pushing them on abused, orphaned and/or neglected children.

House Bill 2428 will create the Child Welfare Provider Inclusion.

This is a partisan bill written by Republicans Sally Kern and Josh Brecheen which will effectively allow child welfare workers to deny a couple from adopting a child based on said welfare worker’s personal religious beliefs.

The exact phrasing of the most recent amendment to this bill says, “the state, including any agency, department, commission or board,

shall not refuse to contract or enter into an agreement with a child welfare service provider on the basis that the provider has declined or will decline to provide, facilitate or refer for a child welfare service that conflicts with, or under circumstances that conflict with, the provider’s sincerely held religious beliefs or moral convictions which are clearly expressed in the mission statement, articles of organization or certificate of incorporation of the provider.”

The wording of this is clever.

The state is not necessarily encouraging that foster care decisions be made based on religious beliefs.

They are simply saying that if they were, the state could not do anything to stop it. By framing the argument in this way they are trying to skirt around the “separation of church and state,” argument.

Let’s assume for a moment that it actually works. If after signing this bill into law the state were to

claim or defense in a civil action and obtain all appropriate relief, including declaratory relief, injunctive relief and compensatory damages with respect to that violation.”

To translate the legalese, if the state attempts to intervene in a welfare provider’s decision to deny service on religious grounds, the welfare provider could potentially be compensated for damages the intervention had on them providing service, but will never face judgement for the damages they might cause to gay or Muslim families and children in need of a home because they “didn’t feel right about it.”

In order to be fair to the “something just doesn’t feel right” argument, there might be cases in which people could lie about their intentions and deceive a child welfare worker and the only information that person might have to contradict them would be an uneasy

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

From left to right: Sally Kern and Josh Brecheen, the representatives who penned House Bill 2428.

child welfare workers to avoid the due diligence they should be doing anyway by giving them an easy veto. In the meantime it would cause more children to go without good homes based solely on one person’s religious belief that

“It would cause more children to go without good homes based solely on one person’s religious belief” have a change of heart and say, “no we don’t think it’s right that you said that Islamic couple couldn’t be foster parents because you don’t agree with them religiously,” the bill already has provisions for that as well.

The bill says, “A child welfare service provider aggrieved by a violation of Section 3 of the Child Welfare Provider Inclusion Act of 2016 may assert that violation as a

feeling telling them something wasn’t right about the situation.

But even in an extreme circumstance like that a welfare worker could simply stall the process for years with constant investigations until they find out what exactly is so off-putting about the person applying to be a foster parent.

Essentially this bill would make discrimination against families for religious reasons easier and allow

the home wasn’t good enough for them.

Now remember that argument we were assuming actually worked? It doesn’t. Child Welfare Workers are employees of the state, therefore their actions would be the state acting for religious reasons, making this entire bill unconstitutional. For me this raised an interesting question. Why does

Oklahoma continually try to write bills into law that are obviously unconstitutional and they know will be shot down by the federal court?

It’s political. These aren’t dumb politicians; they know exactly what they are doing.

They write a bill they know their super-religious and conservative constituents will want, even though they are completely aware that it will never pass muster on the federal level, and when the federal government tells them no, they get to come home and tell their constituents, “sorry, we did everything we could, but you know how those liberals in Washington are!”

So once again, Oklahoma politicians attempt to curry favor by using backwards and unjust laws at the expense of the national reputation of the people of Oklahoma.

Commentary

The Collegian: 12

22 February 2016

Turning the Tide: Turning the Tide is a college admissions initiative to place less stress on students and focus more on ethical and community service contributions.

While the report has some shortcomings, it’s right in that the current system needs to change.

Samuel Beckmann Student Writer The Harvard Graduate School of Education recently held an “exploratory meeting” to bring together representatives for college admissions from a variety of different colleges and high schools, including admissions officers, administrators and college guidance counselors. Their goal was to take a critical look at the way admissions are handled at colleges throughout the United States.

What came out of the meeting was a report of concrete suggestions to colleges, titled “Turning the Tide.” I highly recommend you read the report, or at least its executive summary, but I’ll quote the key points here: “The following report offers specific recommendations for reshaping the admissions process in each of the following three areas: Promoting more meaningful contributions to others, community service and engagement with the public good.

Assessing students’ ethical engagement and contributions to others in ways that reflect varying types of family and community contributions across race, culture and class.

Redefining achievement in ways that both level the playing field for economically diverse students and reduce excessive achievement pressure.”

The first point wants to redefine community service for college admissions. One of their major concerns with the way service is factored into college admissions currently is that students tend to “game the system.”

At my own college-prep high school, I certainly viewed this attitude towards service as merely another box to check off, and not something done for the qualitative benefits of performing service.

The report attempts to rectify this in a couple of different ways, such as recognizing service done for a student’s family (like taking care of siblings or working to provide needed income), and trying to access how “ethically responsible and concerned” students are for others in their community.

When I first read this, I was a bit concerned with the use of the work “community.” It seemed just vague enough to be useless.

However, after reading the report, it appears as if the authors intend the word to be vague. In fact, one of the suggested application questions is “Define what you mean by community, and explain both why and how you have contributed to a community.” I really like this question. It removes the

traditional notion of what service is, and allows students to fill in the blank themselves.

From my experience, traditional service is highly hit or miss. I know people who get immense satisfaction out of it, but I don’t think anyone’s getting anything out of being in an over-volunteered soup kitchen stuffed with high school students attempting to get service hours where no one particularly has anything to do.

Real satisfaction from service, at least for me, comes from seeing some way I can make a difference in a community.

And maybe that community is my own school. Maybe it’s my family. Maybe a friend’s family.

The point is getting service to be about helping others, not being in a certain location for a certain number of hours.

By allowing students to define the community for which their performing service, college admissions are more likely to get an authentic representation of how the student has performed service, and less likely to get a canned list of service hours performed at various places.

The next point is aimed at colleges getting a better understanding of students’ ethical engagement.

I find this section of the report to be counterproductive, and driving the admissions process away

A change for the better in college admissions

courtesy Anna Gutermuth / Flickr

According to Turning the Tide, the current college admissions system emphasizes the wrong values.

up in a high school English class.

The final section of the report deals with redefining achievement. This section brings up valid points about how achievement is viewed by colleges, and the possible negative effects on students, but there is no easy fix here.

For instance, the report comments that some students are overloading themselves with AP or IB

success in college. This leads to a difficult situation, which the report has no clear answer to. In other areas, however, there are actionable suggestions.

To combat the concept of students wearing themselves down by taking on more extracurriculars than they can handle, and ultimately not significantly contributing to any one of them, the report

courses to impress colleges, possibly at the detriment of their own academic development.

In an ideal situation, students should do what’s best for their own development, only taking as many advanced courses as they can handle. However, taking on and handling many advanced courses is often a good indicator of potential

suggests limiting the number of extracurriculars a student can list on an application, and pay more attention to how involved a student was in those activities.

The goal of this whole section is that we, as an education system, should see something wrong with our current system of college admissions, which places undue

“We should see something wrong with our current system of college admissions, which places undue stress on high school students”

from the core concepts of getting to know the students and evaluating them based on merits and ability, regardless of background.

As an example, one of the recommended essay questions in this section is, “Do you think of yourself as a ‘good’ person? Do you think other people are generally ‘good?’ How do you define ‘good?’ What makes a ‘good’ person?”

Asking deep philosophical questions that the world has been trying, and failing, to come up with an answer to for thousands of years is not the way to get to know a student. What is this question trying to accomplish? Seeing what philosophical school of thought the student comes from?

An argument could be made that the question’s goal is to develop and understanding of how a student views the world, but their better, less contrived ways to go about that goal, such as asking “Describe someone you personally know and admire. What values about them earn your admiration?

What values of theirs do you like least? In what ways are your values different than theirs?”

This accomplishes the goal of seeing which traits and values the student embodies, and how they view themselves in light of those values. In addition, it doesn’t require a ridiculous level of abstraction, and forces the student to provide concrete examples.

Although I’m not entirely onboard with the idea of using students’ ethical engagement as a factor in admissions, at the very least the questions asked should be oriented around the student and their experiences, not phrases to prompt regurgitated philosophy on what it means to be good that were picked

courtesy www.ivycoach.com

The Harvard Graduate School of Education is spearheading the Turning the Tide campaign.

stress on high school students in this arms race of college admissions, where increasingly more activities, service and academic accomplishment is required to get into colleges. And having recognized something is wrong, we can begin to investigate possible solutions.

The report acknowledges that various individuals and colleges will likely disagree with some specific suggestions, but it hopes that it can begin a dialogue of what exactly colleges are looking for in a high school student, and how college admissions should be affecting how those students determine their schedules and activities in high school.

Although I disagree with the report in certain areas and feel it doesn’t put enough effort into others, I agree with its conclusion that this is a topic that needs to be discussed, and I’m glad to see so many prominent colleges putting their signatures on this report.

Trade schools are a viable option for future success

The stigma against trade schools prevents students from seeing that they are a viable—and often financially smarter—option for a successful future.

Kirby Hockensmith Distribution Manager The average cost of attending a university and getting a fouryear degree has been increasing steadily over the past few decades.

According to the College Board, the average yearly cost to attend a private university has grown to $32,000 a year, and the cost to attend a public university as a state resident has risen to just under $10,000 dollars per year. Even here at TU it is painfully apparent that our tuition goes up on a yearly basis.

Students pay anywhere from $40,000 to $130,000 for an education that doesn’t even guarantee them a job at the end of their college tenure. Not being immediately hired out of college can be disastrous if the student has any student loan debts. Being thousands of dollars in debt with no job doesn’t really lend itself to the idea of success that is associated with graduating from a four-year university.

It seems like some people cling to the idea that for someone to be successful, they need to attend a reputable university and get a four-year degree. This simply isn’t the best option for everyone. Some people don’t thrive in a classroom environment. Others may not be able to afford to put themselves in so much debt. Due to these hindrances and others, getting a degree from a four-year university is not always the wisest option in terms of future life and financial stability.

There is, however, an alternative to attending a university that is much more affordable and almost guarantees job placement after the completion of the program: two-year technical and vocational schools. These schools cost a fraction of the price of attending a four-year university, with average yearly tuition being just over $2000. Students learn hands-on skills that will be directly applicable to the field in which they have chosen to enter. For example, if you enter a program to become an electrician, you will be tested on your ability to install actual light fixtures and transformers on a model house.

Companies that employ skilled workers know that if a student completes these programs they will be more than qualified to enter the field because their coursework specifically covers it. It is not uncommon for students at technical schools to be offered jobs even before they graduate.

And these aren’t meager, bottom-rung jobs. The average starting salary of a trade school graduate is around $42,000 (in comparison to around $27,000 for university graduates), and there is

also a great deal of upward mobility within these positions.

This begs the question: why are trade schools considered a step down when they obviously provide students with just as many opportunities as universities? The answer is that most young Americans are instilled with the idea that their success is quantified through their academic achievements.

They feel the need to go to the most reputable four-year university they can regardless of any extraneous factors, such as the cost of tuition or the job market in that area. More and more students are attending universities every year, and the labor pool is becoming saturated with workers with degrees from four-year schools. Because of this, it is becoming increasingly hard for graduates to find jobs.

Contrary to this, the demand for skilled workers who have graduated from trade schools is as high as ever. Almost one hundred percent of trade school graduates are finding jobs either before or soon after they complete their coursework.

Skilled trade workers are an essential part of the American labor force, and their starting salaries and hire-rates reflect this.

This shows that there is no discrepancy in success between graduates of a four-year university and graduates of a two-year technical school. The only discrepancy lies in the twisted ideology imparted on young people that says the only road to success passes through a university. This misconception has the potential to deter young people from going down a career path that is not only affordable and practical, but that could also provide them with the opportunity to be successful.

22 February 2016

Commentary

The Collegian: 13

Republicans oppose Obama’s Supreme Court nominations for the wrong reasons

While Republicans made a mistake in framing their opposition, their basic point is correct. They should argue against any non-originalist justice, regardless of who appoints them.

Brennen VanderVeen Student Writer After Justice Antonin Scalia’s death, Republicans announced that they would refuse to confirm any of Obama’s Supreme Court nominees because of the proximity of the election. They are correct to do so, but they should have framed it differently.

Since Republicans have announced their refusal, many on the left have charged them with ignoring the Constitution. This is nonsense.

It is true that the Constitution gives the president the authority to nominate justices.

No one disputes that President Obama has the authority to make a nomination. However, the Constitution requires that appointments only take place with the “Advice and Consent of the Senate.” Whether or not it’s politically desirable, there is no constitutional requirement whatsoever that the Senate even have a vote, let alone confirm the nominee.

Some Democrats might recognize this and argue that while the Senate does have the discretion to confirm or not, it should do so as long as a candidate is qualified. This is wrong in two ways.

Firstly, the “confirm any qualified person” standard has already been rejected by many prominent Democrats. For instance, in 2007, Chuck Schumer (D-NY), said “I will recommend to my colleagues that we should not confirm any Bush nominee to the Supreme Court…” In 2006, both Obama and Clinton went even further and tried to filibuster Samuel Alito’s confirmation. In fairness, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has said that Obama regrets his filibuster attempt. Of course, one is allowed to admit past errors, and also many Democrats today didn’t necessarily agree with those

tactics back then. Still, many of the Democrats who are criticizing Republicans today do have obstruction as part of their record.

The second way in which the “confirm any qualified person” standard is wrong is that it ignores the monumental importance of the Supreme Court.

In our legal system, the Supreme Court is the final arbiter of constitutional interpretation. There is no appeal if the Supreme Court decides a case incorrectly. It therefore behooves the senators to take seriously their role in confirming justices.

If there were widespread agreement about how to interpret the Constitution, this would be less of an issue. There isn’t widespread agreement, though. There are many theories of constitutional interpretation. Scalia was what is called an originalist. This means he sought to interpret the Constitution in the context of how the people who ratified a particular provision would have understood it. Under originalism, constitutional change would take place only through the democratic process of amendments.

This contrasts with the non-originalist approach favored more often by the left. This approach often favors policy and moral philosophy, rather than historical meaning, as

the best way to interpret the Constitution.

The 1965 case Griswold v. Connecticut is a good example of how the theories diverge.

In that case, the Supreme Court found that a ban on contraceptives violated the Constitution’s “right to privacy.”

Few today would argue that the government has any business in prohibiting contraceptives entirely, so what could be wrong with that decision? Well, there is no provision of the Constitution that mentions or even clearly alludes to a “right to privacy.”

Instead, the the majority said that the alleged right was found in the “penumbras” and “emanations” of various parts of the Constitution, including protection against self-incrimination. Another justice found the supposed right in the Ninth Amendment, three others in the Fourteenth.

Originalists see such reasoning and reject it as nothing more than judges reading their own opinions into the Constitution.

In not stressing this point, Republicans erred. The problem isn’t Obama nominees per se, but non-originalists.

If Obama were to nominate a Scalia clone, Republicans should nominate that person as soon as possible. Admittedly, such a nomination has almost no chance of happening,

but Obama nominees and non-originalists are still two distinct categories, even if in practice they will be the same.

Also, the issue isn’t that this is an election year. For one thing, the idea that the people as a whole vote for a president based on what judges he’ll nominate is absurd.

Secondly, even if they did, most people know next to nothing about constitutional interpretation. Popular support for a nonoriginalist would do nothing to make the theory more or less legally sound.

Even if a Supreme Court vacancy occurs in the president’s first year, senators still have the responsibility to ensure that only people who will interpret the Constitution in a proper way get appointed.

There is no constitutional requirement for having nine justices. Most decisions aren’t even 5–4 decisions. Any ties will simply be held over until next term or have a lower court ruling stay in effect.

The Supreme Court can last with a vacancy for the foreseeable future. A vacancy is certainly better than another justice who would read his or her own personal values into the Constitution for the next thirty years.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The Supreme Court justices prior to Scalia’s death. The debate over finding a replacement for Scalia began raging shortly after he passed away.

Fine Bros’ company would set a terrible precedent The concept of copyrighting a style of video, as posed by the Fine Bros’ company React World, is ridiculous.

It could lead to creative monopolies of the Internet.

Nathan Hinkle Student Writer Recently, a popular channel called the Fine Brothers (known as Fine Bros) on YouTube released a video explaining its new company: React World.

The brothers, Benny and Rafi Fine, are known for making reaction videos where kids, elders and teens watch something popular and share their opinion on it.

With the React World company, someone could make a video like theirs and receive part of the profits of the video. However, if you try to make a video similar to theirs on your own, they would go after you with copyright lawsuits.

Because of the outrage this caused among Internet users, the prospect of copyrighting a style of video has become an important

topic. Should one be allowed to copyright their own style of video and then have legal recourse against others who create similar videos? It will become an increasingly important question in the near future as YouTube and other video sharing services continue to grow.

This is not the right way to go about things at all. One should not be able to copyright a video style.

It is not a good idea because it impedes the creativity of video creators. If this was a common practice, there would soon be only a small amount of mega-producers of content who control the field.

This same issue has caused trouble in the realm of film and other media forms but not on the Internet. Currently, anyone can post videos and have a chance for their work to be successful.

The copyrighting of video types such as reaction videos is a terrible precedent to set.

While the danger of people stealing works as their own is still an even bigger threat with the popularization of YouTube, there has to be a better way to fight this than just grabbing an entire style and holding it for yourself.

tucollegian@tucollegian.org editor-in-chief

Giselle Willis managing editor

Fraser Kastner news editor

Kayleigh Thesenvitz sports editor

Matt Rechtien variety editor

Abigail LaBounty commentary editor

Hannah Kloppenburg satire editor

Caitlin Woods photo & graphics editor

Elias Brinkman

business & advertising manager

Paul Moses web manager

Sam Chott

distribution managers

Kayleigh Thesenvitz, Kirby Hockensmith and Trent Gibbons

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The Fine Brothers at the 2010 Streamy Awards. The brothers’ recent attempt to profit off their YouTube popularity was not well received by viewers.

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The State-Run Media

22 February 2016

the

State-Run media Our hearts go out to the fall of the Joyful Tortoise.

The State-Run Media Debates:

Real causes of Oklahoma earthquakes Earthquakes are a result of pre-marital fracking

Oklahoma’s earthquakes result from fracking—yet another spinoff of original sin that must be stopped immediately.

James Whisenhunt Always uses protection at the pump There’s no doubt that Oklahoma’s rising earthquake frequency is a sign from God, but there are many different opinions on the cause.

The scientific community believes it has found an answer for the epidemic. Research has shown that the rate and intensity of earthquakes increased substantially as the practice of fracking rose to prominence in the state.

This introduces an important spiritual question we need to answer. If we’re going to frack, should we not be married to the earth first, as God intended?

Fracking is certainly not a new process. Everyone knows about Jesus turning water to oil,

but many other biblical figures participated in fracking under God’s direction.

The first instance of fracking can be seen in the book of Genesis.

After the flood had wiped out all life outside of Noah’s ark, the water was pushed deep into the earth, allowing the water level to drop. This also allowed Noah’s family ready access to oil, with which they were able to enjoy economic security for generations to come.

Another example comes from the book of Exodus, when God

his frac on, it seems that we can’t replicate the process God uses to perfectly make the oil rise without damaging the planet.

Thanks to a close reading of the Bible, it is clear that God, through his marriage to Mother Earth, is the only one able to frac her safely and consensually.

Man is neither above Mother Earth, as God is, or even her equal, but subordinate to her. Given this relationship, fracking Her is an abomination that must be stopped.

Man must be complacent in taking what gifts he is given, small

parted the Red Sea for Moses.

The water became one with the ground, filling the ocean with oil that swallowed the Egyptians.

Interestingly, none of these stories mentions earthquakes as a result of God the Father fracking Mother Earth. The water goes in, the oil comes out. It’s a rather simple process when He does it.

However, when man tries to get

though they may seem, and using them to their greatest potential.

I urge you, heathens of Oklahoma, to stop this unholy process immediately. Man must accept his folly, repent to the Father, and take only that oil which the Lord hath provided him with, so that he and his sons may prosper as He sees fit.

“Man must be complacent in taking what gifts he is given”

Gays cause earthquakes

Oklahoma’s earthquakes are an incursion of God’s wrath against us sinners, most likely for legalizing gay marriage.

Adam Lux Resident zealot I’ve been hearing some talk recently that the recent increase in the number of earthquakes in Oklahoma is because of fracking by oil companies. I don’t see any reason that injecting water, sand and chemicals at high pressures into rock could ever be related to earthquakes in any way. That makes no sense, and I’m going to tell you why.

I’ve been imbued with the truth behind these earthquakes. God himself has spoken to me and instilled in me the knowledge of the reason behind our earth trembling. Just think about it: Oklahoma has experienced an increasing amount of earthquakes these past couple years. You know what else has increased in Oklahoma… the number of gay marriages! This correlation is clearly a proof of causation,

because there is no possible way those two phenomena are coincidental. Anyone who claims otherwise has clearly been misled by the social justice warriors.

Now many of my contemporaries have made some very convincing, biblical arguments saying that God sent the earthquakes because of fracking. They claim that mankind isn’t married to the Earth, and therefore shouldn’t be fracking her. While I respect those people with differing opinions, their interpretation of the Bible is completely incorrect.

In Genesis, God said unto Adam “look at all that is around you, all this and more is yours to frack”.

And in Leviticus when God said man shall not lay with man, unless those two men are laying down on the ground figuring out the best way to frack it.

So checkmate, fracking naysayers. Not only do I have cold hard logic on my side, but I also have the word of God. I have seen through your false prophecy and proclaimed the truth of God. And He says keep on fracking, as long as you’re not gay.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

The earth trembles beneath God’s wrath, but for what reason?

Student doesn’t register to vote, still determined to complain

An election brings with it plenty of opinions, but it doesn’t always bring solutions.

James Whisenhunt Hoping to fill out an absentee ballot to avoid movement “Elections,” as Abraham Lincoln once said, “belong to the people.” In the modern political landscape, however, more emphasis seems to be placed on those who don’t vote. One such person, political science major Adam Goldman, failed to register in time to vote in Oklahoma’s primary election. However, he hasn’t let his

ill fortune deter him from whining as much as possible about the system’s problems, both in person and on social media.

“How stupid can people be!?”, Goldman posts on his Facebook in conjunction with an article detailing the latest Donald Trump scandal. Of course, posting on his Facebook is about as much as he will be able to do until November, at the earliest.

As State-Run investigators discovered, the same is true when out with his friends. Though he has no direct access to influence the system, he is appalled by the idea of being a Democrat living in a “hopelessly Red state” like Oklahoma.

This led to what psychology major Karen Hoover called a “needlessly aggressive and awkward rant on party politics” in the middle of a local Whataburger.

Though Goldman doesn’t seem to notice his own hypocrisy, his

percent of his friends during election years. His average number of retweets and Tinder matches don’t fare much better.

Goldman seems to know that this happens. In an interview with State-Run reporters he concluded

to whoever I can, however I can.”

Hoover told reporters she is slowly trying to piece together the puzzle of Goldman’s mental health state as she goes through this semester in her abnormal psychology class. She currently

“... he is appalled by the idea of being a Democrat living in a ‘hopelessly Red state’ like Oklahoma.” friends informed State-Run reporters that he is slowly driving them mad.

Advanced statistical analysis of Goldman’s Facebook page shows that he often loses as much as 14

that “not everybody can handle the truth,” looking incredibly smug.

He almost seems proud to not be voting, calling himself a “grassroots fact-ivist,” telling reporters he is devoted to “bringing the truth

hypothesizes that Goldman may have Dissociative Identity Disorder, though experts expect that diagnosis to change as the class covers personality disorders this Wednesday.

22 February 2016

The State-Run Media

Bike thief extraordinaire unveils master plan

State-Run Media has found your bike, but you won’t be happy about where it was found.

James Whisenhunt Can ride with no handle bars

You probably aren’t reading this story from your bike. Not for the obvious reason that it’s dangerous—we all know you like to live dangerously—but because your bike has been stolen!

Hundreds of students have been in a similar scenario, unable to enjoy the finer points of cyclist life.

There are many possible explanations for this caper. A popular theory among students seems to be that the bike shop has been repossessing bikes.

This theory was disproven by shop manager Aaron Radon, who was happy to mention that “nobody in the shop even knows how to ride a bike, much less how to steal one.”

Another theory involved highly respected members of the TU community, the ever-popular campus cats.

Junior Rebecca Griff posted a photo of a cat on top of a yellow bike to her Instagram on January 22. The photo’s caption read “My bike! ;_; #CrossingTheFeLINE.” Many students were convinced that this was the kitty conspiracy A croos-section of Fiets’ giant mega-bike made from all the bikes he stole. of the century, but it wasn’t long before graphic design students Stephenson Hall on the night of confronted, confident that his plan pointed out inconsistencies in February 1. was too far along to be stopped by lighting and resolution. Griff A stake-out the next night police. admitted on January 25 that the confirmed suspicions, but what Fiets had been putting the photo was fake. was found was more horrible than finishing touches on his mechanical It seemed that every lead came anyone anticipated. opus: a massive super-bike made to a dead end until a student posted Senior mechanical engineering completely out of university bikes on Yik Yak that they saw someone student Robert Fiets has happy and lock cables. taking three yellow bikes into to confess to the crimes when The metal beast was a rather

graphic by Elias Brinkman

impressive feat of design, and it proved fully functional as Fiets escaped Stephenson Hall with his 400-wheeler, surely looking to add more features to the device.

His escape showed off the preliminary rocket boosters, and what looked like the beginning of a Flux Capacitor sat on a bed

made of bicycle seats. One can only assume that Fiets is looking into the potential for wacky timetravel antics.

Campus Security and the Tulsa Police Department have issued a warrant for Fiets’ arrest.

Phyllis Schlafly backs Bernie Sanders just to be contrary

Following comments by feminist icon Gloria Steinem reprimanding girls who don’t support Hillary Clinton, conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly, who has long acted on a platform of just doing the opposite of what the feminists say, recently announced her support for Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders. State-Run Media writer Sam Chott has the story.

In response to feminist icon Gloria Steinem’s recent show of support for Hillary Clinton, notable anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly found herself reflexively supporting Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary.

“We’re really not sure how it

Amendment was never ratified, said that she’s acting completely on instinct. “You know, whenever the equal rights activists would do something back in the day, we just had to do the opposite. Once I saw Germaine Greer drink a Coke, and you better believe that I’ve been a

“Once I saw Germaine Greer drink a Coke, and you better believe that I’ve been a Pepsi girl ever since.”

Schlafly wearing a Sanders campaign button.

graphic by Elias Brinkman

happened,” an aide to Schlafly told State-Run reporters. “The day she heard that Steinem was supporting Clinton, Phyllis bought a ‘Feel the Bern’ t-shirt and donated exactly $27 to the Sanders campaign.”

Schlafly, who opposed feminist reform during the 1970s and ensured that the Equal Rights

Pepsi girl ever since.”

Steinem’s most recent show of support for Clinton came when she said that young women supported Sanders largely to meet young men. This statement was largely decried as sexist, and Steinem issued a quasi-apology on her Facebook page, saying that

she “misspoke” and that her words were “misinterpreted.”

Meanwhile, Schlafly has been enjoying her increased notoriety with younger people. “The other day, a nice young man told me that he thought my Bernie pin was ‘dope’ and that it was nice that I ‘got it.’ I used to think that Senator Sanders was just another communist, but after seeing the way young people react to him, I think that supporting him might help me convince some of these ‘millenials’ that all of this ‘equal rights’ nonsense is bunk.”

At press time, Schlafly was sitting in Bayless Plaza, wearing a #FeelTheBern pin next to her customary Stop ERA pin, and harassing young people about their student loans.

Super-villain claims sole responsibility for global warming

A somewhat controversial topic, global warming is often taught to be equal parts due to human intervention and weather patterns, but one individual recently revealed that he is, in fact, its sole cause.

Samuel Beckmann Leaves his A/C on when it’s only 75 out.

Last Tuesday, in an event that shocked the world, a self-proclaimed “super-villain” floated down from his sky base to make the announcement that he is the sole cause of global warming. In his two-hour spiel, most of which consisted of histrionics and ornate hand gestures, the villain proclaimed to he was solely responsible for global warming.

“I really got you all!” he proclaimed, while breaking down laughing. “Even the scientists! You thought that it was the result of natural changes to the atmosphere, or were even so vain as to say the you

were the ones who caused it, while it was me all along!” Although the figure refused to divulge exactly how he caused the pending global catastrophe, citing it to be a “trade secret,” he has expressed interest in copyrighting the technology, “you know, before the concept of a copyright is burned beyond all recognition by greenhouse gasses.”

Although he admitted that “it took a lot of work, you know, especially when I had to figure out how to put a hole in the Ozone layer,” he concludes that “it was all worth in the end.” The villain did not give any clear ideas as to how exactly he was planning on escaping the now-doomed earth, but we here at the State-Run Media can only assume someone as brilliant as him will come up with an ingenious plan. For a supervillain hell-bent on the destruction of the Earth, this State-Run reporter would like to take the time to comment how remarkably wellbehaved he was. During the press conference, he only vaporized 16 journalists who asked tough ques-

tions, and managed to keep his freeze-ray usage to only once every 5 minutes. You rarely see that kind of self-restraint in this kind of situations.

Political pundits are particularly interested in presidential candidates’ responses to the surprise announcement, as several have already made statements regarding it. On the GOP side, Donald Trump tweeted that the individual was a “loser”, and that he would

“build a wall [to] stop global warming.”

At his own press conference, Senator Marco Rubio had this to say about the incident: “Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing.” For the democrats, Senator Bernie Sanders launched into a passionate and uncontrollable rant about how unacceptable it was that 99 percent

of the world’s heat was held by 1 percent of the population, while Secretary Clinton was quoted as muttering under her breath, “Finally, a scandal that doesn’t involve me.”

Before he disappeared back to his secret base, the villain concluded the interview by taking some audience questions, in which he confirmed that he killed JFK, and has an ongoing, “and promising,” chemtrails program.

graphic by Samuel Beckmann

The State-Run Media

22 February 2016

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