8 November 2021

a student newspaper of the University of Tulsa

Tulsa basketball off to a strong start, p. 3

November 8, 2021 - Issue 9 - Volume 107

Tulsa 2020 census implies growing diversity, p. 4

Botched execution reveals government apathy, p. 6 Favorite Tulsa coffee shops, p. 7 Satire: Thoughtful landlords care about tenants, p. 8

v olo yP m A by: r e Cov

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Sports

The Collegian: 2

November 8, 2021

Atlanta Braves win 2021 World Series

Sports analyst Tommy Reid discusses the team’s fight through adversity to defeat the Houston Astros. that, despite losing the first game, they were not out yet. A four-run bottom of the second inning gave the Astros a 5-1 lead and eventually resulted in a 7-2 win, knotting the series at one game apiece.

After a day of travel to Atlanta, the Braves hosted the Astros in Game Three.

This time it was the flawless pitching for eight innings that kept the Astros from getting a single hit and allowing the Braves to

Game Five was the following day and was the last of the three consecutive games in Atlanta. Knowing that elimination was coming if they did not win this game, the Astros came out swinging. While they did not hit a home run the entire game, they scored seven runs in the first five innings and ultimately won the game 9-5 sending the series back to Houston giving the Braves only a 3-2 lead.

“... the Braves dominated the score card and ended up with a 7-0 shutout ... This gave them their first World Series title since 1995.”

courtesy @Braves on Twitter

The 2021 World Series is now complete and with that comes a new MLB world champion: the Atlanta Braves. The number two ranked American League Houston Astros took on the number three ranked National League Champion Atlanta Braves in this best of seven series.

Game One took place on Oct. 26 in Houston, Texas. The Braves wasted no time getting the scoring started as Jorge Soler be-

came the first person in World Series history to hit a true leadoff home run. Adam Duvall followed up this with a home run of his own in the third inning giving the Braves a 5-0 lead that ultimately resulted in a 6-2 Game One win.

The following evening Game Two happened. This time, Houston responded to their loss in the previous game by showing that they were determined to show the world

get a 1-0 lead. While the no-hit bid ended in the top of the eighth inning, the Braves secured another run in the bottom of the eighth inning which ultimately gave them a 2-0 win and a 2-1 series lead.

The next day, the two teams played yet again—this time it was Game Four. The hero of the game was Braves outfielder, Jorge Soler. Exactly three months from the day that he was traded in a final moment before the trade deadline, he came in to pinch hit and sent a line drive home run to left field scoring the go-ahead run. This gave the Braves a 3-2 game win and a 3-1 series lead.

With the Fall Classic shifting from October to November, on the second day of November, the Astros hosted Game Six. In this game, the Braves dominated the score card and ended up with a 7-0 shutout of the Astros. This gave them their first World Series title since 1995.

After the game, Braves Manager, Brain Snitker, remarked to the media, “Guys that are in baseball, that’s what we do. We fight through adversities. We grind. After a while, it’s what you do. It’s not who you are, it’s what you do.”

Tulsa women’s soccer wraps up a strong season

Sports writer Callie Hummel discusses conference honors, the final game and recognition of graduating players.

Tulsa women’s soccer finished out their 2021 season with a 6-9-2 overall record and a 1-6-1 conference record. A new player to the team, freshman Madison Williams, proved her importance on the defensive line this season. On Nov. 3 she was named to the American Athletic Conference All-Rookie Women’s Soccer Team, a selective group of first-year players who showed outstanding performance throughout the year. There were 12 players selected this year and Williams was one of only four defensive players picked.

Williams is a defender on the team, helping goalkeepers Raegan Beeding and Emma Malsy fend off opposing attackers. She

ning the game 2-1 with the second goal by Mia Darden.

Williams is only the eighth women’s soccer player from Tulsa to be named to the allconference rookie team. She is playing with three of those former all-conference rookie players Mia Darden, Madison Tokarchik and Kayla Fernandez. The assistant coach for the Hurricanes, Rachel Thun-Blakenship, also earned this award her freshman season in 2014 and went on to score 31 goals in total over her career at Tulsa, leading the team in goals her last two seasons.

Darden just ended her last season with Tulsa with three goals and two assists this season on the forward line and finished her

“Tulsa played their last game in the fall 2021 season against Houston on Oct. 28 at home.” started all 17 games Tulsa has played and competed in all 90 minutes of 13 of those games. Her one assist for the season came during the close game against rival Oral Roberts on Sept. 12. In the 11th minute, Isold Runarsdottir, the lead scorer this season with six goals, received a through pass from Williams and shot past the goalkeeper putting Tulsa up 1-0. Tulsa ended up win-

career with 14 goals scored overall. Seven of those goals came from her rookie year.

Fernandez finished her junior season as a midfielder with one goal and two assists, and Tokarchik ended her sophomore year on the defensive line with one assist this season.

Tulsa played their last game in the fall 2021 season against Houston on Oct. 28 at

courtesy @TulsaWSoccer on Twitter

home. Houston, with a 13-4-2 record for the season, defeated Tulsa with a 0-2 score.

Houston didn’t get their first goal until the 57th minute off of a free kick, and the second one came at the 80th minute from a corner kick. Malsy and Beeding shared the time in goal, and Malsy stopped four shots in her 70 minutes in goal.

This final game was also used to recognize the four graduating players at the game as they competed for the last time with Tulsa. Mia Darden, Addyson Guthrie, Emma

Malsy and Georgia Vernardakis were all honored after the game on the 28th.

With the women’s soccer season officially over, the men’s team is just wrapping up their final tournament after claiming the American Athletic Conference Regular Season title and being ranked fifth in the country. They will compete in the conference semifinals on Nov. 10, and the championship game will be on Nov. 13, both of which will be played on Tulsa’s home field.

CFP selection committee discounts American Athletic Conference

Managing Editor Zach Short discusses how Cincinnati Bearcats presently fall short of a Playoffs spot despite having a lossless season with huge margins of victory.

On Tuesday, Nov. 2, The College Football Playoffs (CFP) selection committee released its first official look into where teams stand. The top four teams, who would comprise the Playoffs bracket if it began today, have the undefeated Georgia on top as ex-

Their rankings pushed Cincinnati down to sixth and Oklahoma to eighth. They pulled Michigan State up from the AP’s fifth place, which would replace Oklahoma, but supplanted further by adding Oregon and ditching Cincinnati.

the year before’s held Ohio State out of the Big 10. Yet, these rankings also show the ephemerality of a conference’s hold on one of these spots. Last year included Clemson and Notre Dame from the ACC, with Clemson also appearing the year before, but this year sees neither poll predicting an ACC appearance.

The question then turns to why the CFP excluded Cincinnati. The AAC has not had a team yet appear in the Playoffs since the postseason bracket’s 2014 inception. In fact, all but four bracket selections ever came as champions of Power Five conferences—the conferences considered the best among all of college football—and these four exceptions still came from within the Power Five.

ing 27-10 with command of the game. At no point during the season has losing seemed possible for Cincinnati.

Appearing in the bracket therefore seems impossible for Cincinnati. With only four games remaining, they will face only one AP Top 25 team in SMU, but the CFP dropped them entirely from its own rankings. It remains possible that Cincinnati defeats each opponent it faces across the whole season by a good margin and still misses the Playoffs.

The bias toward the Power 5 appears indomitable for the AAC power. Only twice has a team from the PAC-12 made the bracket, but the conference’s placement within the Power 5 still carries weight. This

“Selection for the Playoffs seems to deny schools from outside of the Power 5.” courtesy @GoBEARCATS on Twitter

pected. The next three spots, however, stir more controversy. Alabama sits second despite having lost to the now middle-ranked Texas A&M Aggies. Michigan State, also undefeated, sits at third, with Oregon as the bottom seed, having lost only to unranked Stanford in an overtime situation.

The surprise comes in the stark contrast presented against the AP Poll rankings.

Flawlessness seems the easiest prerequisite to enter into Playoffs contention.The AP Poll seems to agree, placing three undefeated teams into its own top four with Georgia first, Cincinnati second and Oklahoma fourth. The CFP, though, disagrees.

Most of these moves reflect the perceived strength of schedule. Alabama merits its place in both rankings by playing a difficult conference schedule and losing only to another Top 25 team. The SEC is college football’s most competitive conference and the only one who could hope to take two spots in the Playoffs this year, with Georgia as its other present contender.

Other conferences, however, can vary more from year to year and compete more evenly with one another. The PAC-12 holding Oregon and the Big 10 with Michigan State can both boast competitive conferences. Both last year’s bracket as well as

These conferences do tend to compete at a higher level, but the problem now seems to lie in the CFP’s exclusivity toward them.

Cincinnati has yet to lose a game, winning by an average margin of 25.6 points through their first eight games. And they have also beaten Notre Dame, ranked 10 by the CFP and appearing in two of the last three brackets.

Selection for the Playoffs seems to deny schools from outside of the Power 5. Cincinnati has won every game by a touchdown or more, with their closest matchup ending at a difference of seven points. Even that game against Navy, though, included allowing ten points and scoring none in the fourth quarter when they could afford to do so. They entered the final quarter of that game lead-

year, Oregon looks to take a place from Cincinnati through this preferential treatment.

They have lost a game where Cincinnati has not, worse yet to unranked Stanford who sits at the bottom of Oregon’s own North division. Playing in the weaker conference has crippled Cincinnati and perhaps become the only obstacle between them and a Playoffs appearance.

The rankings are not final, and Cincinnati still retains the chance to make the Playoffs. however, this lack of confidence sends a message to many. If Cincinnati’s season thus far does not put them in a spot to compete for a national title, then the remainder of their season seems unlikely to push them into contention.

Sports

November 8, 2021

The Collegian: 3

Tulsa men’s basketball dominates Northeastern State

Sports writer Daryl Turner covers all the exciting details of the Hurricane’s exhibition game.

The University of Tulsa basketball fans are coming to a realization: the season is finally here! Fans of the sport around campus feel as if this season is going to be one for the books. One TU sophomore said the excitement surrounding both the women’s and men’s basketball teams is “utterly flabbergasting” and he couldn’t wait to see them play. Luckily for him, TU men’s basketball played and won their first exhibition game decisively on Wednesday, Nov. 3 against Northeastern State.

The men jumped out to a 32-16 lead at the half, and when they returned after halftime they continued to dominate and easily secured the win with a ending score of 84-53.

Impacting the game immensely, new transfer from the University of Texas-Arlington, Sam Griffin, had 19 points on 7-of-12 shooting. Sam had made his mark offensively at the start of the game and just continuously kept that same energy throughout till the very end. It was a good showing for him as well as his teammates. Jeriah Horne was the next highest scorer on the team coming in with 15 points and Rey Idowu came right behind him with 12.

Overall the team shot a pretty good .470 percent from the field, but they went an astonishing .381 from the three. Sam Griffin went 3-of-4 while Jeriah Horne went

courtesy @TUMBasketball on Twitter

“... Tulsa men’s basketball team is coming out hot and heavy this year, and there is no telling how far coach Frank Haith can or will take this team.”

3-for-6 from three. Also helping out with the three percentage was Tim Dalger who went 1-for-1 and Ladivous Draine who went 1-for-3 from behind the arc. Another solid

part of the men’s game was the tremendous rebounding in which they outrebounded the RiverHawks by 17 boards. Ending with 52 rebounds while the other team had 35. The

men played hard and were the far superior team that night.

No question about it, Tulsa men’s basketball team is coming out hot and heavy this year, and there is no telling how far coach Frank Haith can or will take this team. With the newly acquired transfers settling in and getting accustomed to Coach Frank’s System, this team could be dangerous come regular season next week. The men’s next game is on Nov. 10 against a talented Northwestern State at the Reynolds Center and this time the game will actually count. TU’s men’s basketball looks to officially get the ball rolling and start the regular season off the right way with a 1-0 record, so tune in for the game and come support the TU men’s basketball squad.

While the men have now officially kicked off their season, University of Tulsa women’s basketball have still been diligently practicing and working for their upcoming game on Nov. 11, the first for their season, against Duquesne. The women seem to be ready to go, and with their new head coach Angie Nelp, it looks that the team has hope of making it far. The season is going to officially start for both of the teams next week, so all the waiting, wishing and hoping is over with. It’s finally time to enjoy some NCAA basketball.

Norwegian handball team wins fight over uniform mandates Players in the IHF can now wear more practical and appropriate uniforms, sports analyst Callie Hummel reports.

For the past 15 years, beach handball teams have been pushing for the International Handball Federation (IHF) to change their uniform rules and drop the mandate demanding female players wear bikini bottoms to compete. On Oct. 3, the IHF finally announced that starting January 2022, players would have the option to wear less revealing uniforms.

Previously, female players could be fined and disqualified if they didn’t wear bottoms in accordance with the federation’s mandate saying their bottoms must be a close fit, have an upward cut towards the top of the leg, and a maximum side width of 10 centimeters, or just three inches. For a top, women had to wear tight midriffs.

length elastic shorts instead of bikini bottoms. They said that wearing shorts is more practical in their game, and that they felt more comfortable and secure making dives with the extra fabric.

After the game, the IHF fined each player wearing shorts 150 euros ($175), with the team total coming out to 1,500 euros ($1,700). The protest and fines gained international attention and many people, handball fans and not, joined the fight to change the uniform regulations. American singer Pink even offered to pay the fine and encouraged the team to continue fighting for their right to comfortable uniforms.

All of the attention made it impossible for the IHF to keep the uniform mandate,

“All of the attention made it impossible for the IHF to keep the uniform mandate ...”

The men’s uniforms are starkly more conservative and comfortable than the women’s. The men’s team must wear tank tops and shorts no longer than four inches above the knee. Charlene Weaving, a human kinetics professor at St. Francis Xavier says that, “If there was any kind of biomechanical advantage to having little fabric, then men would be in Speedos. But they’re not.”

On July 25, the Norwegian beach handball team decided to publicly fight against the uniform rules by playing their thirdplace match against Spain wearing thigh-

and with all the pressure they agreed to change the regulations to make uniforms less revealing for the women. The new requirements are “short tight pants with a close fit” and a “body fit tank top,” giving players more choice in what they want to wear. The Norwegian protest did more than change the uniforms for women’s beach handball but sparked a global discussion on women’s uniforms in general.

Before the 2012 Olympics, the Amateaur International Boxing Association attempted to pass a regulation that female boxers had

courtesy @TUMBasketball on Twitter

to compete in skirts so “spectators could tell them apart from men.”

On the other side of the spectrum, Paralympic athlete Olivia Breen was told by an English Championships official that her sprinting briefs were too short and inappropriate for the Games. Breen pushed back, saying that as an athlete she shouldn’t have to worry about spectators sexualizing the uniform that allows her to compete at her full potential.

At the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, the German women’s gymnastics team wore fulllegged unitards for this exact reason, trying to protest against the sexualization of their sport and it’s traditional bikini-cut unitards.

While sports have strict regulations under the premise of keeping the game fair, the associations need to consider the opinions and comfort of the athletes when mandating their uniform requirements.

Nov. 8 - Nov. 14 Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday 9

8

10

Thursday 11

Friday

Saturday 12

M Soccer AAC Semifinals TBA

none

none

Volleyball @ Wichita St 7:00 p.m.

M Basketball Northwestern St 7:00 p.m.

Sunday 14

13 M Soccer AAC Championship TBA

W Basketball Duquesne 6:30 p.m.

Cross Country NCAA Midwest Regional All Day

M Basketball Air Force 12:00 p.m.

Football @ Tulane 3:00 p.m.

Volleyball Temple 12:00 p.m.

News

The Collegian: 4

November 8, 2021

Philadelphia bans minor traffic stops

A new act aims to reduce unnecessary interactions with the police that often go awry.

Shelby Hiens Student Writer

Philadelphia’s city council passed the Driving Equality Act last month in a 14-2 vote. The law encompasses a set of bills aimed at removing negative police interactions and promoting trust in the police department.

The first bill prohibits police from stopping drivers for seven types of low-level

traffic stops with the goal of healing policecommunity relations.” The law is set to go into effect 120 days after the initial signing.

The law is supported by the city’s police department who are dedicated to making the necessary changes to police training. “We believe this is a fair and balanced approach to addressing racial disparity without compromising public safety,” the department said. “This modified enforcement model for car stops furthers the Department’s priority of addressing the issue of racial disparity in the Department’s investigative stops and complements the Department’s efforts to address these same issues in pedestrian stops.”

Black drivers accounted for 72 percent of approximately 310,000 traffic stops in Philadelphia from October 2018 to September 2019 while comprising 48 percent of the city’s population, according to the Defender Association of Philadelphia. This year, Black drivers have accounted for 67 percent of traffic stops while white drivers make up 12 percent. The association has projected that this initiative could result in 300,000 fewer police interactions a year.

Acting chief defender for the Philadelphia based association Alan Tauber described the legislation as a “great first step to building more trust between our police and communities of color.” Tauber added, “We’re hopeful that passage of the Driving Equality Bill is just the beginning of informed and meaningful conversations about positive changes to our justice system that will benefit all Philadelphians.”

“... the city’s police department ... are dedicated to making the necessary changes ...” traffic violations. Infractions such as broken lights, bumper issues, minor obstructions and license plates that are not visible are now considered secondary level traffic violations. Primary violations include actions which pose an imminent threat or safety risk to the public and are still subject to traffic stops. All secondary traffic violations remain illegal and will result in citations and fines issued through the mail. The companion bill requires police to record all traffic stop information in a public database.

Mayor Jim Kenney approved the law and issued an executive order on Wednesday, Nov. 3. Kenney followed this with a statement, “This legislation establishes Philadelphia as the first large U.S. city to ban minor

The bill originated as a response to the settlement of Bailey v. City of Philadelphia, a federal class action filed in 2010 on behalf of eight African-American and Latino men who were “stopped by Philadelphia police officers solely on the basis of their race or ethnicity,” according to ACLU Pennsylvania. The lawsuit alleged that Philadelphia police officers are illegally stopping thousands of people to frisk and detain them.

Minor infractions included in the secondary level of the new law have been criticized for acting as a guise for racially motivated traffic stops. “These bills end the traffic stops that promote discrimination while keeping the traffic stops that promote public safety,” the City Council said in a statement.

Missouri kidnapping case leaves questions The disappearance, followed by a complex investigation, has led to various rumors spread online.

Logan Guthrie Sports Editor On Aug. 25, 33-year-old Cassidy Rainwater from Missouri was reported missing by her family. As of right now, no information regarding her current whereabouts or if she is even alive has been released.

Two suspects have been apprehended and charged with Rainwater’s kidnapping.

However, there have been several turns and speculations in the past month with this case that makes it appear to be much more than a kidnapping.

ton, the second suspect, who did not corroborate Phelps’ statement. In his first interview, the police found inaccuracies in Norton’s statements, who claimed that he did not live in the house with Phelps, but in his car working as an overload trucker.

According to court records, the police followed up with Norton again the following day, when he admitted to assisting Phelps in restraining Rainwater, leading to their arrests. Another search of the house did not turn up any new evidence according to reports.

The investigation has continued, however. Not long after his arrest, Phelps’ rent house in Lebanon was burned to the ground, and investigators have concluded it was the result of arson. A tripwire was discovered

“... Phelps’ rent house in Lebanon was burned to the ground ...”

Around mid-September, an anonymous tip was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation containing photos of a partially nude woman locked in a cage. Upon seeing the photo, a Dallas County detective recognized the caged woman as being Rainwater.

Not long after, a search warrant was issued for the phone of James Phelps, one of the two suspects and upon investigation one of the last people to see Rainwater alive. Seven more such pictures of Rainwater were found on Phelps’ device.

Upon questioning in the initial stages of the investigation, Phelps confirmed that Rainwater had stayed with him at his house on Moon Valley Road. However, he claimed that she was only staying there until she could get back on her feet, and he had not seen her since she left his house in the middle of the night on July 25, the last confirmed sighting of Rainwater. The authorities left Phelps’ home after first searching the loft in which Phelps said the missing woman was staying. The loft appeared to be “stripped,” with no sign of any of Rainwater’s belongings.

But Phelps was not the only person listed as living at his Moon Valley Road house.

The police followed up with Timothy Nor-

by law enforcement, who alerted a local firefighter immediately. The fire was started by the discovered explosive’s controlled detonation by bomb squad professionals and no one was hurt in the process.

A new Lebanon resident, Rachel Nicholson, spoke on the incident: “All a sudden, the house collapsed and the flames got bigger. We could feel the heat,” said Nicholson. “Everything was on fire, and we sat there and watched it collapse. I called 911 because I was worried about it catching the woods on fire and spreading to the other houses.”

According to Dallas County Sheriff Rice, it is upsetting that misinformation surrounding the investigation has been passing around on Facebook and elsewhere. Such conspiracies include claims from an amateur blogger of reliable sources connected to law enforcement that confirm remains were found at the site of the fire that could be Rainwater. Others involve Norton and Phelps being involved in an extensive underground cannibalism ring in Missouri and ate Rainwater, or that police officers are being pulled off the case for leaking information. No reports have been made that corroborate such rumors at this time.

Representatives from Turning Point USA visited campus last Wednesday.

photo by Zach Short

Philadelphia is the largest city to implement these reforms as of yet.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Tulsa race demographics imply increasing diversity TU Professor Dr. Travis Lowe offers insight into Tulsa’s 2020 census data and critiques common conceptions of race.

Julianne Tran Variety Editor Following the release of the 2020 census’ results, news articles emblazoned claims of dramatic shifting demographics. The phrase “majority-minority” and “less than 50 percent white” filled numerous headlines, hoping to draw eager and curious readers.

However, these changes are not nearly as straightforward.

Particularly in the city of Tulsa, the recent census results showed a stark shift in population. In the 2010 census, 57.9 percent of Tulsa’s population identified as white. The 2020 census shows that this percentage decreased to 48.5 percent, with less than half of the city’s population identifying as white.

However, this one-to-one comparison cannot be taken at face value.

Dr. Travis Lowe, professor of sociology at the University of Tulsa, discusses these population changes and the problematic portrayal of populations as “majority-minority.”

Given that the 2020 census asked the question of race with a new write-in option, this change belies results and comparisons from past years. As Dr. Lowe explains, “When you provide a write-in option, that’s going to affect how the data is measured.”

Because of this new mode of collecting data for the race question specifically, “it’s going to be a lot more difficult to make an applesto-apples comparison.”

Particularly regarding the question of racial identity, Lowe explains that “The race variable is one that has received a lot of scrutiny over the decades. And then the big concern is that if and when we do change how this is measured, it is going to be more difficult to make those longitudinal comparisons.”

Dr. Lowe describes that someone who identifies as mixed race “could theoretically identify as one or the other depending on how the question was asked.” He continues by explaining that “Nowadays the color line is more fluid than it has ever been, because of the willingness of people to adopt these [multi-racial] identities.”

Rather than thinking along the dichotomous white/non-white line, it is important to be attentive to this fluidity of racial identity. As opposed to emboldening claims like “majority-minority,” we must look beyond these outdated conceptions of race.

Explaining the danger of phrases like “majority-minority,” Lowe explains his biggest concern that “it is easy to ‘other’ people that are in those nebulous, non-white categories.” These are people who “might have white ancestry or might even pass as white in their everyday life” but are “experiencing life differently than someone who identifies monoracially.”

“Race used to be seen in an exclusionary sense, pick one or the other… [but] as our population is changing, people are more comfortable adopting multi-racial identities. They don’t have to not make that choice.” This cultural shift actually has a more “unifying effect” than phrases like “majority-minority” that may lend itself to polarization and fear from white populations that they are becoming less demographically dominant.

Phrases like “majority-minority” misconstrue and force the data so that the white block appears smaller than it really is. In reality, those who had previously identified solely as white on past census questions, may now answer to be multi-racial.

This narrowing of the data to show those who solely identify as white reflects an antiquated understanding of racial identity. Lowe describes the idea of the “onedrop rule” that reflects the statement: “if you have any non-white blood in you, then you can’t be white.” When you expand the lens to include those who identify as multiracial, and one of those races being white,

“‘... our population is changing, people are more comfortable adopting multi-racial identities.’”

With this in mind, claims that Tulsa is now less than 50 percent white do not describe the full picture. The write-in option may have increased the number of people recorded in this new census data as identifying with more than one race. Indeed, as reflected in the national data, the aggregated 50 city populations gained nearly one million persons identifying with two or more races.

Lowe describes that this “makes situation seem [less] stark than it is.”

This is not to say that the Tulsa population has not changed at all. However these changes are not as stark and straightforward as they appear, in the data and in recent headlines. Tulsa’s growing diversity cannot be captured in terms of white/non-white. It is seen in the fuller sense of deep, fluid racial identity. It is who we are, not who we are on paper.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons Tulsa’s recent census data showed a decrease in the proportion of those identifying as white.

Commentary

November 8, 2021

The Collegian: 5

President Biden shouldn’t take the Eucharist

President Joe Biden claims to practice the faith’s tenets, but devout individuals have doubts.

Logan Guthrie Sports Editor There is no denying that President Joe Biden’s relationship with the Catholic Church is rocky at best. As the United States’s second president to be a practicing Catholic, he’s one of the nation’s most prominent figures of this faith who is not a member of the clergy. He holds a unique place as a representative of his religion to his fellow Americans and on the world’s political stage. As a result, he has painted a target on his back for other Catholic Christians for his political standings.

President Biden has specifically caught the attention of traditional Catholic bishops over his open advocacy in favor of abortion. For instance, he has urged the Supreme Court in the past to not overturn the Roe v.

Wade ruling from 1973. The original rul-

ing legalized abortion in the United States.

Biden revisited it in reference to a restrictive abortion law in the state of Mississippi that led to a tense internal battle within the U.S. Catholic Church. His administration also sued the state of Texas for its much stricter policies on abortion, nearly an absolute ban of the procedure entirely.

Such public pro-choice advocacy is seen as directly challenging Catholic Church Doctrine, which states clearly that abortion is the murder of an innocent child, and therefore immoral and a mortal sin. By receiving an abortion or cooperating with the actions of abortion as is the case with our President, you are now no longer in a state of grace, and therefore not supposed to receive the Eucharist, or Catholic Holy Communion.

The Eucharist is the center of the Catholic faith, and by far the most important of their sacraments, as believed to miraculously become the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ Himself. This is clearly something that Catholics must, and do, take very seriously. It is the obligation of the priests first and foremost to protect the Eucharist, and as such President Biden has come under fire for receiving the Eucharist despite his public abortion advocacy, prompting many Catholic clergyman to promote a ban on Biden receiving the Eucharist at all. The U.S. bishops also issued a document detailing the doctrine of Holy Communion again as a reminder to Catholics about the need to be in a state of grace. Biden has responded previously to such actions by stating, “I dare you to deny me Communion.”

The controversy added new layers with the recent meeting between President Biden and Pope Francis at the Vatican. Sparking the zeal of many prominent Catholic leaders, high profile individuals implored the

President Joe Biden is only the second Catholic U.S. president.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

courtesy Wikimedia Commons Residing in Rome and from South America, the current pope come under fire several times.

Pope to stand firm on the Eucharistic ban.

On Oct. 27, Bishop Tobin tweeted, “Dear Pope Francis, You have boldly stated that abortion is ‘murder’. Please challenge President Biden on this critical issue. His persistent support of abortion is an embarrassment for the Church and a scandal to the world.

Thank you. Very respectfully, Your brother +Thomas.”

According to President Biden, in their private meeting Pope Francis called him a “good Catholic” and told him to continue

Catholic doctrine, then he knows the Church teaches no one should receive the Eucharist when not in a state of grace, and he has a duty to his religion to be bold in his actions and uphold this by not receiving currently.

That being said, the Bishops denying him communion are also in the wrong. Who are they with all their flaws to deny another member of their faith the fundamental rite of their religion? There doesn’t seem to be records of the same treatment for President John F. Kennedy, the first Catholic Presi-

“Bishops denying [President Biden] communion are also in the wrong.” to receive the Eucharist. It is very likely that these words are being taken by President Biden out of context. Pope Francis is known for encouraging people to receive the Eucharist regularly as a medicine for the spiritually sick and food for the soul, but the pope remains very outspoken that abortion is murder. By the comment that Biden is a good Catholic, he may be comparing him to the artwork that he gave the President as a gift in their meeting: a pilgrim traveling to Rome. And, like the pilgrim, Biden is not there yet. He is a good Catholic because, at least in the eyes of Pope Francis, he is trying despite his flaws and disagreements with Church doctrine.

It is no secret that the pope’s words are often twisted for others purposes, such as a fabricated quote from an examiner.com story where he supposedly said that women are not fit for public office, with no evidence to corroborate the statement. That being said, no matter the skepticism surrounding the pope’s words, President Biden should not be receiving the Eucharist. If he truly believes

dent of the United States, for his sexual promiscuity and this inconsistent approach hints at another motive. The clergy cannot reasonably police President Biden’s personal salvation. Denying him the Eucharist could drive him away from his faith and the Church. Also, while he objectively should receive the Eucharist because of his supposed beliefs, it is also his own obligation to make things right and to keep himself accountable. There are plenty of other people out there that deserve just as much dedicated time from their religious leaders as our President is getting right now, and the increasing politicization of the clergy points to a rather worrying trend of disassociating from the day-to-day matters of tending one’s flock.

With finals coming, bake a cake this week

The 11 straight weeks of class have left their mark, but we should take a moment to rest before finishing strong, hopefully.

Julianne Tran Variety Editor With bowls and measuring cups splayed across my countertop, I vigorously beat butter and sugar until fluffy and pale. I hummed “Hear in My Arms” by Leon Bridges as I tipped leveled cups of flour and teaspoons of baking powder into another scratchedbottom mixing bowl. Nevermind those impending deadlines, the essays will get done.

But first, I will assemble this two-layered strawberry cake (with cream cheese frosting).

It’s that time of year! Everyone is stressed beyond what they thought they’d already experienced. We have too many commitments, many of which we do not genuinely care about. That class that we thought was going to be a breeze is actually the worst. Purchasing hasn’t reimbursed my club’s pizza and

when was the last time I ate a vegetable?

Professors demand more. We demand more of ourselves. And, most of all, we’re tired.

But just one more long night will catch me up (or keep me as ahead as I hold myself to be), right?

The solution is not to stay up later, cancel all your plans, or eat your lunch while staring at your exam study guide. Bake a cake.

Shrink your timeline. Do something unproductive for the sake of productivity. Or pure enjoyment. (Mostly the latter.)

There is an odd (but knowing TU students, not so unexpected) density of TU organizations devoted to majors and career goals. We spend our time studying and completing assignments for the sake of a degree that is for the sake of some future goal.

Whenever we’re not doing work related to classes, we’re doing work for these organizations that are similarly for the sake of the future.

Why is it that all the work we do needs to be productive? When we have “time off” from classes, we turn to “extracurriculars” that are of some productive, future use. We pass our classes. We stuff our resumes. And sometimes, we enjoy it. Other times, we are lost in the whirlwind of striving, accomplishing, and grasping as we stare mindless as the hazy “tomorrow.” The timeline stretches longer and longer towards the nebulous future. The work piles on. There’s another meeting to sit through. Let’s hear about people’s successful interviews and exam grades! Let’s complain together and then retreat to grind it out all night!

Instead, bake a cake this week. Let those impending deadlines seep out of your mind for just a little bit. Do something you love, or used to love before you knew the canned answer to “What’s your major? What’re you

going to do with that?” Quiet the ticking clock of your mind. Move your body, have an actual conversation, sing a song.

Whatever your cake is this week, I hope that you do it. It might not take away the burdens of your semester, but for that small

moment in time, I hope you enjoy yourself.

I hope you are reminded that you are a person who likes to do things other than study and become a “working professional.” At the very least, you might have some cake to eat after you fail that test.

photo by Julianne Tran While baking a cake is a good and delicious option, taking a dog for a walk, doing some sketching, anything to take it easy should be priority number one in times of stress.

The Collegian: 6

Commentary

November 8, 2021

Oklahoma shows pattern of cruel executions

After six years of hiatus from public executions, Oklahoma attempted to restart their program to disastrous effects.

Justin Klopfer News Editor On Oct. 28, the State of Oklahoma executed John Marion Grant, condemned to death in 1999 for the murder of a prison cafeteria worker. His death is the state’s first use of capital punishment since 2015 after botching two executions consecutivelywere consecutively botched. The Department of Corrections seemingly learned nothing in this timeeam, botching the recent execution, with Grant vomiting and convulsing for 15 minutes before dying.

The two 2015 executions that led to the death penalty’s suspension were both horrifically botched. Officials called for a stoppage during Clayton Lockett’s execution, the first of the two, as Lockett clung to life, though eventually dying 43 minutes into the procedure. In the second execution, officials gave Charles Warner potassium acetate instead of potassium chloride. Warner said “My body is on fire” during the execution.

Richard Glossip, the next man awaiting execution, was mere hours away from the same

procedure when the state realized they had obtained the same wrong drug. Mary Fallin, Oklahoma’s governor at the time, assured the people the drugs were “medically interchangeable,” as if government-sanctioned killing was a routine medical procedure.

Grant, like Lockett and Warner, received a three-drug combination for his lethal injection containing midazolam, vecuronium bromide and potassium chloride. The first drug is a sedative used to reduce anxiety and induce sleep, the second a paralytic to prevent movement and potassium chloride stops the heart. Midazolam has repeatedly failed to induce a fully comatose state, including the previous two botched executions in Oklahoma.

America’s previous death drug of choice, Pentobarbital, became unavailable after a Dutch company came under fire for supplying it. This apparently gave no pause to the Federal Government, who rushed to less-regulated compound pharmacies to get their chemicals. Once even these shady pharmacies were prevented from selling the drug, would-be headsmen have created experimental cocktails, using the condemned as lab rats.

The second drug, vecuronium bromide, is ultimately unnecessary for the execution.

All it does is paralyze the recipient—doing nothing to prevent pain for the victim or contributing to their death. Rather, it makes the victim immobile, thus appearing to not be in pain for the viewers. We can all feel a little better about ourselves if the man strapped to the gurney slowly dying doesn’t seem to be too distressed. Only when the paralytic fails do we consider the execution as botched, but there’s no reason to believe all of the dozens of motionless executions were without pain.

Of course, most Americans don’t see this gruesome process, nor do they want to.

Surely no well-adjusted person could justify the brutality that repeatedly occurs in Oklahoma’s execution chamber, but that doesn’t

stop the widespread support the death penalty has in our state. The death penalty offers a false sense of justice in response to horrific crimes; a simple life sentence just doesn’t have the cathartic punch killing does. When

reaucratic and legal processes an execution requires ends up making it more costly than a life sentence. Similarly, some argue that practicing the death penalty can reduce crime by detering potential criminals, but

“The death penalty offers a false sense of justice in response to horrific crimes.” genuine analysis and prevention of violent behavior is off the table, execution is the only fulfilling option.

The recent history of capital punishment in Oklahoma illustrates a disturbing trend.

The Oklahoma Department of Corrections repeatedly neglects any serious analysis of their procedures or reconciliation with previous failings. Maybe there haven’t been any real failings; the brutality and negligence are part of one’s restitution to society and the spectacle of capital punishment.

When the disgusting treatment of death row inmates is so systemic, it is blatantly “cruel and unusual.”

A common rationalization for the death penalty points out the cost of keeping someone in jail, seeing execution as the cheaper option. However, studies consistently show the opposite; the immense amount of bu-

the facts don’t support this argument, with FBI crime reports not showing lesser rates of murder in death penalty states compared to states not practicing it.

Sadly, the Oklahoma Department of Corrections has already confirmed it will not change its execution protocols. The world is no safer when someone is put to death instead of kept in prison. Really, underneath economic or safety-focused arguments lies a desire to wreak revenge and exert power.

The criminal justice system, ideally an institution for rehabilitation, panders to the desires of the most bloodthirsty among us.

Any humane government should hold fast to principles of forgiveness and mercy rather than give in to violent whims. There is never closure or justice in capital punishment; only death and despair.

courtesy Wikimedia Commons

A gurney used for executions in California, the Oklahoma viewing room shares many features.

Musician rights trump religion

After the withdrawal from Afghanistan, many feel the arts are threatened.

Logan Guthrie Sports Editor At the end of the Afghan Civil war in the 1990s, the Taliban managed to seize control of Afghanistan. During this time, the Taliban placed a ban on music, leading many musicians to flee the country or face exile. Many went to Pakistan where they continued to succeed with their talents.

While Afghan music traditions and culture managed to survive and thrive outside the land of its roots, in the country itself punishments were set for both getting caught with music or musical instruments, as well as playing music. Some punishments were simply confiscation, but many were beaten and imprisoned as well. After the U.S. Intervention, the structure of the Afghan government transformed to an interim system leading to a democratically elected succession of presidents in the country, during which the music scene began to rejuvenate within Afghanistan itself. Although not perfect and the American intervention in the country has caused many other issues for the Afghan

people, this time was incredibly important for a renewal of their cultural traditions which were oppressed under Taliban rule, but it seems that all of this progress may be set back for a long time now.

This year, shortly after their insurgence against the U.S.-backed government of the capital city Kabul which was under President Ghani’s administration, the Islamic fundamentalist group once again achieved governing power. This has raised serious concerns for the music culture of Afghanistan and those who participate in it, and these fears do not appear to be unfounded, given the context of the Taliban’s previous policies. Across Kabul, the Taliban have smashed at least two pianos and many more instruments at different music studios. At Taliban checkpoints, people are afraid to play their radios. Since the takeover, weddings have limited the amount of music played and many talented Afghan performers are scared to continue playing music publicly since the takeover.

According to current reports there are no outright bans on music in Afghanistan. In fact, Pakistan only gave support to the Taliban in agreement that they would not violate cultural and human rights, including music.

Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Khan has outspokenly criticized colonial systems and governments for historically doing the very same thing, and believes that the Taliban must do better.

So where are these issues coming from?

Well, individual Taliban members are enforcing such “rules” on their own. When the original ban on music came about in the late 90s, the Taliban as a whole cited religion as the reason they banned apparently sinful music. Now, to understand the entirety of the issue, we must approach the Taliban from their religious worldview.

The Taliban subscribe to Sharia Islamic law, a philosophy based on fundamentalist practices of Deobandism, which considers music and dance as irreconcilable with the teachings of Islam, which combines with a very militant devotion to their faith that leads to such harsh punishments. It is within their religious right to not listen or perform music themselves, however, utilizing violence to force others to legally subscribe to your beliefs is never excusable, as it is a violation of both cultural and human rights.

This example illustrates the problem of extreme fundamentalism in any world religion. Historically, when a group takes the most literal and strict interpretation of a religion’s doctrine—without a consideration of context, audience, way it changed over time, medium or style intended by the creator—the outcome is always full of bitterness, violence, hatred and heartbreak. The .

tucollegian@tucollegian.com editor in chief

Piper Prolago managing editor

Zach Short news editor

Justin Klopfer sports editor

Logan Guthrie variety editor

Julianne Tran commentary editor

Adam Walsh satire editor

Anna Johns photo & graphics editor

Amy Polovich

business & advertising manager

Madeleine Goodman social media & web manager

Maddie Walters copy editor

courtesy Wikimedia Commons Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan and the seat of the American-backed government, lies in the east portion of the state.

worst part is, it always leaves traumatized victims in its wake.

The issue is not inherently with Islam.

It is not about devout Muslims peacefully seeking out the god they believe in. The problem is the military extremism at the root of the Taliban’s faith, and their enforcement of such extreme beliefs upon other people, as well as the environment that provokes individuals to take matters into their own hands. No musician should have to live in fear of performing. No person should face jail time for enjoying a song. Music, dance and other artistic expression bring beauty to the world, so to strip people of their human rights to express these aspects of themselves and their unique cultures is really the true sin, and in that way the individual Taliban fighters who do so may be the very thing that they attempt to prevent.

Ji Aldada

@TUCOLLEGIAN

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Variety

November 8, 2021

The Collegian: 7

Favorite coffee shops near TU

With so many surrounding coffee shops, here are five places for any of your caffeine needs.

Elissa Noel Student Writer

Out of the 17 coffee shops in the TU area alone, how do you find the best one?

Out of all these, I personally like to frequent five of them due to their proximity to the campus.

The first shop is University of Tulsa’s very own located in the McFarlin library.

This location is good for a quick stop in between classes or heading back to your dorm room. On top of good customer service, their speed is topnotch. Your order can be churned out in three minutes or less, which is good when you are in a hurry. They have

These coffee shops are all within a ten minute drive from TU.

Studio 151 is home to some of TU’s very best podcasts, created entirely by students.

Hana Saad Student Writer Studio 151, TU’s podcast studio, is putting out some great content. The podcasts are entirely created by students and the club as a whole is student-run, making the accomplishments of the show all the more impressive. The shows are mostly focused on popular culture and sports, with featured guests from across campus.

graphic by Julianne Tran

Chloris Espinoza, the podcast director, said, “A lot of hard work has been put into getting the studio up and running this semester, but it’s work that’s been welcomed and honestly really fun! I think more than anything I’m just extremely proud of the community our team has built.”

The podcast studio is composed of a team of dedicated members who come together from across different disciplines. The passion and excitement of the hosts and guests come through in each episode.

“The podcast studio has become a much needed creative outlet for students and I couldn’t be happier,” Espinoza added.

Listed below are some of the podcasts that Studio 151 is currently produces. It is

many options including tea, soda and energy drinks on the side. The downside of this location is that if you are craving coffee past 3 p.m. you are out of luck. For those of us who get out of class after three and need a pickme-up, you will need to venture off campus.

The next closest coffee shop is 918 Coffee on 11th Street. This is one of my personal favorite locations due to how spacious it is inside and their mocha frappe mixture.

It is a perfect place to get studying done or catch up with a friend. They offer unique flavors in their frappes and lattes, such as Reese’s (my husband’s favorite), Lavender Lace and Raspberry Truffle. One pro for this location is that they offer a discount for students! However, a con to consider is that they recently started charging extra for decaf coffee in certain drinks. 918 also has a small selection of vegan and gluten-free food items if you are wanting a light lunch.

Moving north is She Brews Coffee House, formerly the location of Fair Fellow Coffee, in the Kendall-Whittier neighborhood. She Brews serves “coffee with a cause.” The most unique thing about this shop is that each purchase helps women with transitional housing, employment and job skill training and mentorship for formerly incarcerated women. Here you will find the friendliest service and the cutest decor that is perfect for photo opportunities. One of my favorite

courtesy Studio 151 Studio 151 started releasing podcasts in 2019.

truly special that TU students can create their own podcasts, so be sure to check these shows out and support fellow TU students!

What’s On Our Screen: Hosts Bryce and Ryan discuss all things film related, talking about recent movies and shows that have gotten their attention. In the most recent episode, “The Horror Special,” they brought on a guest to chat with, creating a dynamic conversation about spooky movies. The episodes go in depth into the movies and shows they review, providing different takes about popular film and television.

Ball Talk: A newer podcast, this show covers basketball. The hosts, Brenton and DJ, plan to mostly cover basketball, but will

drinks there is their dark chocolate “dirty frappe” which is especially sweet, but they do offer other flavors for the blended coffee if you are not into sugary coffee.

Down on 6th Street is the artisan coffee shop Cirque Coffee. They host an industrial style decor with menus accessed by QR codes. You can sit down and relax at one of the tables and someone will come up and take your drink order, or you can go to the counter where there are plenty of stools to sit on. They offer cereal flavored lattes and a signature bourbon vanilla draft latte. If you happen to arrive there after 3 p.m., don’t worry! They also have a drive-through location on 14th and Utica.

The last shop nearby is Coffee House on Cherry Street. This is a cute, intimate location that is perfect for hanging out with friends or having a first date. The perfect time to go to this location is on a weekday as it gets extremely busy and crowded on the weekend. Among all the different coffees to try they host a dessert case full of baked goods to meet your cravings, with gluten free options available.

Most of these locations are pretty affordable, Cirque being a little on the higher end.

Each shop caters to different coffee palettes and atmospheres, but all are definitely worth checking out!

occasionally venture to other sports, such as football. They will cover national teams as well as TU’s basketball team. It’s perfect for sports lovers!

Between Two Slices: A uniquely TU podcast, Caiden, the host, interviews someone from TU every week to get their thoughts about life on campus. Over the course of the interview, they share a slice or two of pizza and chat about life on campus, classes, clubs and anything else the guest wants to cover.

Sharing food makes for warm and friendly conversations.

This is just a list of some of the most recent episodes Studio 151 has produced.

They have a bunch of content from previous semesters that are still relevant, so don’t be afraid to check it out! TU students are coming up with some exciting content, so give these shows a listen.

If you would like to be involved with Studio 151, either as a guest or as the creator of your own podcast, reach out to Espinoza via email at cle4157@utulsa.edu or come to their weekly meetings, which are every Thursday at 5 p.m. in the TUTV studio, which is located in Kendall Hall.

Studio 151 podcasts are available on all streaming platforms.

On Nov. 5, TU students celebrated Diwali, the festival of the lights.

photos by Aneesa Patel

The State-Run Media

November 8, 2021

the

State-Run media Ugh!... I’m In A Stew!

Ethical landlord dots the ‘i’s in his eviction notices with little hearts

Free will? You get that for free? My landlord charges, like, $80 for not following the Oracle of Delphi.

Kyle Garrison Mr. Worldwide

Liberals of late, find it “trendy” to villainize landlords, one of our nation’s most important jobs. To these unamerican, gunhating, soy-eating, piece of garbage liberals I ask one question: is it an American ideal to make ad-hominem attacks on these godloving/fearing landlords who ask so little?

Just look at this owner of a multimilliondollar apartment complex. Mr. Asite works night and day to ensure his tenants know their self-worth and do not feel like a cog in a cruel corporate wheel. In our interview, he jovially introduced himself, “Please, call me Par. Listen, it’s the least I can do, these fine folx work so hard in an unjust world.”

He explained that helping his tenants “sometimes means dotting the ‘i’s in my eviction notices with little hearts. Sometimes,” he continued, “it’s attaching a printout of anti-discrimination laws so they know we aren’t kicking them out of their home because of their race, or sexual orientation, or anything.” He assured that they “spare no expense in helping them move out. We will even call the police to escort them out so they feel safe for the duration of the experience.”

When asked about how he treats his tenants when they are not being evicted, he responded, “Please, the term tenants is so formal. These people are my family.” He

tt ed ! #b la ck liv es ma st ay ing hy dr at e u’r yo re su ke he y cuti e! ma

er

e c i t o N n o i t Evic

Please don’t look at the fact that most eviction notices are sent out to people of color. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t “see” color.

graphic by Anna Johns

explained that in order to promote a healthy environment of self-sufficiency, he does not fix broken amenities for them, explaining that it would be patronizing for him to provide working air conditioning and heating.

“This is 2021, these folx understand how to take care of themselves. You know, self-care is important.”

He explained that when he was in his 20s, he “didn’t beg my landlord to fix broken light bulbs. I didn’t have a landlord, I lived in my Dad’s mansion, and when something was broken I rolled up my sleeves and told the butler.”

He explained how his ethical business model—among other things—was inherited from his father, a well-known oil tycoon.

He explained that “[my father] was tough on me, I had to work hard to earn my second Porsche for my 16th birthday. He chose me among all my other siblings to inherit his empire because I was the most entrepreneurial, it was in no way related to all my siblings being women.”

What more could we ask of a productive member of society? Why do we tear down heroes such as this? Watch out liberals, if you aren’t careful I will make a cryptic

translation of an expletive aimed at one of your so-called “heroes.” See how you like it when I start chanting, “Let’s go fishing,” or something direct and brave like that. You know what it means, Snowflake. Are you gonna cancel me for having an opinion that I share openly through some kind of code instead of just saying it clearly?

Canceling ethical landlords? What’s next? Making a more just and equitable homeownership system? Making housing a human right? Get over yourself, you Maoists freeloaders!

You people just do not understand humor. I would have paid taxes, but as a billionaire, I thought it would be way funnier not to—you know—as a meme. I’m just a silly goose. Is that a crime in Biden’s America?

Cancel culture has ruined comedy. Last year I was told that I can’t make racist jokes in my official work emails anymore and now “woke” liberals won’t even let me commit a federal crime as a joke? What gives! You laugh now liberals, but soon the woke mob will turn on you too. What will you do then? You have already lost your hero Andrew Cuomo just because he sexually harassed 800 people as a gag. It is only a matter of time before they turn on people who have never done anything inappropriate, like Biden and Bloomberg.

You know, just yesterday I was talking to my good friend Elon Musk and he loved my

prank. I said, “Bro, guess what—being the jokester that I am—I set up an offshore bank account to avoid taxes,” and he responded, “That is so fucking rad bro, sick meme, aha, do you know I smoke weed? Redpilled and based. I profited off of apartheid.” What an absolute Chad that man is.

Do people like Musk deserve consequences for their actions? Absolutely not.

We billionaires have contributed so much to society that we can do whatever we want.

Would you rather we not make jokes on Twitter while we fuck you over? Of course not, the more meme-able version is far more fun. Don’t you agree? Just ask anyone in congress. Hold a vote on whether billionaires should have no consequences for their actions and it will win supermajority every time. Checkmate atheists (sick meme reference).

I don’t care. I’ll fund death squads and then say #resist on the same Goddamn day.

What are you gonna do? Not buy my products? I own all the competitors. Haha, I have got you stuck in an endless loop of unethical consumption. Why do you use so many of my company’s plastic water bottles? You know that is bad for the environment, you should just drink the tap water that my company pollutes far beyond safe levels. You want treatment for the effects of the lead in your water? That’ll be 10,000 dollars. You just got fucking pranked.

You know what? I don’t care what the rest of you think. I am already planning my next sick prank. I won’t give it away completely but it involves unsafe working conditions, union busting and minimum wage. It’s so quirky. You’ll all love it!

No, no, you misunderstand. I committed tax fraud as a joke.

I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this.

It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows how to take a joke anymore.

What a bunch of snowflakes.

Richard Branson definitely Richard Branson; in fact, no need to look any further

I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this. It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows how to take a joke anymore. What a bunch of snowflakes.

Liberals these days just don’t understand sophisticated jokes. I did it all on purpose so that when the Pandora papers dropped you’d all be like, “Woah, next level prank bro.”

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