30 Jan 2023

TU welcomes new head football coach, p. 2

Tulsa philanthropist passes at 87, p. 3

Differences in Trump and Biden classified documents cases, p. 4

Iggy Pop album review, p. 5

Brad Carson sets Guinness World Record, p. 6

Kevin Wilson begins head coach career at TU

Sports editor Callie Hummel discusses the new football coach

The University of Tulsa introduced Kevin Wilson as the new football head coach at a press conference on Dec. 6.

After graduating from and playing for University of North Carolina, Wilson has spent his entire career and graduate experience coaching football. He has spent three years as a graduate assistant at University of North Carolina, one year as head coach and athletic director at Foard High School, and spent 1990-2022 as an offensive coach for Ohio Miami, Northwestern, Oklahoma, Indiana, and most recently, Ohio.

While introducing Coach Wilson, President Brad Carson gave his “full support to coach,” a man who is “experience rich with supporting student-athletes to succeed in both the classroom and on the gridiron.”

hire.

two schools that have the most losses in the history of college football, and [he] can say [they’ve] had success at all those places.”

The universities he’s referring to are Northwestern and Indiana, both schools that Wilson helped to improve their overall record. However, these schools are significantly larger than TU, both schools with an undergraduate population over 20,000, while TU is the smallest school with Division One football with only 2,700 undergraduates.

President Carson has been a frontrunner in attempting to create more hype behind the TU football team. Despite tailgating and personally promoting the games and giveaways, he is still struggling to give students and members of the Tulsa community a reason to attend the games that most often end in a loss on TU’s part. During the 2022 season, TU went 5-7 overall, and 3-5 in their conference.

Coach Wilson is confident that he will be able to help turn the team around. Despite coming from a school that is wellknown throughout college football, he makes it clear that he has “worked for the

The

In the first few weeks of the new year, Wilson was looking to connect with the team and coaches to figure out what he’s working with. He claimed during his initial press conference that he wasn’t looking to bring in a lot of transfers, and didn’t have a lineup of coaches following him to TU, saying, “grass ain’t always greener.” While he may not be looking at the portal currently, high school teams in the Tulsa area are high on Wilson’s radar. He wants to put an emphasis on recruiting locally and developing a personal relationship with high school football coaches. Two weeks after his appointment, Wilson had already signed eight athletes to his first recruiting class. Three of the players are from the Tulsa area with the other five coming from Arkansas and Texas.

Having a solid group of defensive coaches will be key for Wilson, whose ex-

perience is all on the offensive side. Wilson spent decades as an offensive coordinator, and has now arrived at a school who’s “biggest priority is to play good defense.” Wilson didn’t give much insight into his specific plans for the team other than the emphasis on defense and stripping the game down to its basics, “The game is about blocking and tackling.” Despite having the experience

and knowledge in offense, Wilson is planning on having an offensive coordinator to call the plays so that he can be completely focused on both parts of the game.

In the end, Wilson’s main goal is to have a team that draws fans out simply because they’re winning. He wants to have a team so good, fans “will come out for a Thursday afternoon game.”

Cowboys struggled during the 2022 season

The Cowboys’ season was disappointing for Dallas fans, writes sports writer Daryl Turner

The Dallas Cowboys have been a complete disappointment for the last decade and it has begun to become sickening to be a fan. The team lost in the post season to a San Francisco 49ers team that has backup quarterback Brock Purdy taking the reins ever since Jimmy Garoppolo got injured. The 49ers are a really good team even with Brock Purdy playing as the starter because he actually plays like a seasoned starter in the NFL, but there is no way they should even remotely be in the same conversation as the Dallas Cowboys.

Dallas Cowboys, including a $66,000,000 signing bonus, with $126,000,000 guaranteed, and an average annual salary of $40,000,000.” Dak signed this contract on March 10, 2021. He was injured the previous year, so the Cowboys organization based all the faith in his contract off the potential of his years before the injury. According to ESPN, this season Dak threw the ball for 2,860 yards this year, with 23 touchdowns and 17 interceptions. To put that in perspective, let’s look at other quarterbacks’ stats in the league right now. Patrick Mahomes stat

A little background about me is that I’m a biased die-hard Cowboy fan and I’m going to try and be as fair and straightforward as I possibly can about them and their season in this article, but forgive me if my passion spills off these pages because talking about them gets me riled up. So I hope you enjoy it.

First things first, let’s talk about Dak Prescott. According to the website Spotrac, a website that covers all professional athletes contracts and deals, “Dak Prescott signed a four year, $160,000,000 contract with the

line is 5,250 yards, 41 touchdowns and 12 interceptions, while Jalen Hurts stat line is 3,701 yards, 22 touchdowns 6 interceptions. Tom Brady’s stats come in with 4,694 yards, 25 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. If those stats don’t tell you how terrible he played this season, just know that Dak Prescott is tied with Josh Allen in leading the league in interceptions with 17 and Prescott missed five games at the beginning of the season. I’ve never seen anybody rob an organization as bad as Dak has this season, but he’s not the only one committing robbery.

Ezekiel Elliot is right behind Dak as he is not producing the way he should. It’s very aggravating knowing how good this team could be if both of them would play to their fullest potential. There are so many negative things I could talk about with this team, but I’m going to look at the positives and talk about how impressive their defense was this year. With Micah Parsons leading the defense, they were one of the best defenses in the NFL. Micah Parsons ended the season

leading the team with 13.5 sacks and Donovan Wilson ended the season leading the team with 77 tackles. Their defense caused havoc when needed and did their job for the most part.

Ultimately, I love the Cowboys and always will, but this season was a major disappointment for the team. The best thing about having these types of seasons is that it can fuel a team in the right direction if they let it. Hopefully we let it.

“Coach Wilson is confident that he will be able to help turn the team around.”

“With Micah Parsons leading the defense, they were one of the best defenses in the NFL.”

Courtesy @dallascowboys on Twitter

Food on the move with Starship Technologies

TU has implemented more robotic services: this time it is food delivery instead of grass removal.

Mary Lickona Business & Advertising Manager

Late last semester, small, white droidlike robots began to scurry about the University of Tulsa campus. Food delivery bots from Starship Technologies have become a common sight to any campusgoer, with their little orange flags and headlights. These funny little robots are the result of a partnership between TU and Starship Technologies, and like the TU lawn mower implemented last semester, their main purpose is to minimize any study distractions, as well as to lower the stress of students with multiple demands on their time. In addition to the convenience and novelty that the Starship robots bring, they also are a bit of a historical moment for technology at TU, with TU being the first Oklahoma university to implement the delivery bots.

of groceries. Living in Oklahoma, one would worry that the robots cannot deal with the various and intense weather conditions, but Starship reassures that they can handle rain, snow and sun and protect their cargo with an insulated lining.

Using the free Starship app and paying a delivery fee of $2.99, students can order any meal from five options at the Student Union: Einstein Bagels, Subway, Benvenuto, SOL Tex Mex, Tulsa Burgers and Wings, as well as from the Dietler Cafe in McFarlin and Pat Case Dining Center. The app has a standard and usable layout, with the option of a delivery song to add to the fun of takeout. Students can also track the robot as it travels to their apartment or dorm to ensure they stay on course. Payment can be made using Dining Dollars, Hurricane Gold Dollars or a credit card. The robots do have a curfew, with the dining and delivery options open from 7:30am-11pm.

While the food options for the TU Starship robots are fairly standard, the university has plans to expand the menu to include local dining options as well. In

The robots are autonomous, with builtin sensors and cameras so that they will avoid collisions as they travel the walking speed of 4mph. Starship Technologies proudly proclaims on their website that their battery-powered robots are environmentally-friendly and secure for their delivery journey, equipped with a GPS, lock, and alarm. The robots are also roomy and can carry up to three grocery bags’ worth

Some students praise the accessibility of the delivery robots for injured, sick, or disabled students. One current campus employee and TU alumni, Julianne Tran, reported a very positive experience using the food delivery bots, saying that both the app and robots were easy to use, although it did deliver to the wrong door. Her delivery bot arrived quickly and gave a cheerful, encouraging message along with her cookie order. “I think the convenience was worth the price, and I would use the robot again,” said Tran.

However, other students are less than happy to see the robots, claiming that they are unnecessary and a waste of money. One alumnus was very disappointed to see the robots traveling about, saying they make students lazy. The ease of use for the robots has been inconsistent, with some struggling to open them and turn off the delivery song.

Though still relatively new, the Starship robots appear to have a future here at TU, joining the trend of technological advancements for the university, and helping college students stay fed and busy.

a Tulsa World article, TU Vice President Matt Warren hinted at a future collaboration with Mother Road Market. The future plans for the robots include a robot garage and growing the amount of delivery bots.

Many TU students seem enthralled with the new campus members. Similar to the reaction to the TU lawn ‘roomba,’ students think they are cute and fun, often posting about them on social media.

Ruth Nelson, leading Tulsa philanthropist, passes at 87

resources to the organizations she was a part of during her lifetime.

west Tulsa and a four story complex off Interstate 244 on Yale Avenue.

Ruth Kaiser Nelson passed away on Wednesday, Jan. 25, at the age of 87. Nelson was one of Tulsa’s leading philanthropists committing herself to helping those less fortunate than herself.

Nelson and her family are Jewish and originally came to the United States in 1941 to escape Nazism in Germany. Her father, Herman Kaiser, and later her brother, George, created the Kaiser-Francis Oil Company, which helped aid in their family’s enormous success. Nelson was also successful with oil and gas production, creating her own success.

But her biggest successes, and what she was best known for, were rooted in philanthropy. She aided many different charities and organizations and often found herself in leadership roles. She dedicated her time, energy and financial

The first charity that caught her interest was the Center for Individuals with Physical Challenges. With this organization, she served as the board president, and with them she partnered with the Tulsa Housing Authority to work on a property next door and witnessed their struggles as an organization firsthand. The properties were in shambles. Residents were sleeping in their bathtubs to avoid gunfire at night, and there was rampant drug abuse and open dealing and, in certain places, even the staff were not safe to walk alone.

Nelson had a very strong belief that affordable and safe housing was imperative to the health of a community, and with the Tulsa Housing Authority, she helped provide housing to the homeless and repaired the public housing units that were in desperate need of fixing. The actions that she took were frequently debated and contested by members of the community, but Nelson stood her ground, defending her actions and need to help those around her. She helped build several new facilities in north and

The next organization that Nelson developed a long standing relationship with was Planned Parenthood of Arkansas and East Oklahoma. She served on Planned Parenthood’s board and even a term as

president and was later awarded the highest award, the Founder’s Award. At the time, the organization was nationally synonymous with abortion, and very little else. When Nelson served on the board, she pushed them to focus on women’s health and education as a whole.

Nelson was also a staunch supporter of higher education. She attended Bryn Mawr College and remained closely linked to as she served on the Board of Trustees as the Vice Chair of the Executive Committee.

In Tulsa, she and her family supported the Herman & Kate Kaiser Student Success Center on the northeast campus of Tulsa Community College. She helped with a fundraising campaign and TCC President told Tulsa World Nelson “helped TCC raise a record $20 million in 18 months.”

Nelson accumulated many honors throughout her life, among which she was inducted into the Tulsa Hall of Fame and the Tulsa Library Hall of Fame. In 2016, the City Council awarded Nelson the key to the city in recognition of her work to help housing, women, and the poor. Most of her work and donations were done anonymously, with people who benefited from her charity never knowing the source of the donations.

Ruth Nelson dedicated her life to helping those around her who were less fortunate.

Erika Brock News Editor

“Most of her work and donations were done anonymously...”

The food robots bring students meals from the many locations on campus. photo by Celeste McAtee

“...the university has plans to expand the menu to include local dining options...”

The ‘unstoppable’ gun violence in America

United States according to the Gun Violence Archive and only 27 days since we rang in the new year. Go America!

On Jan. 21, 11 people had their lives ended with nine more left injured at a Lunar New Year celebration when a gunman allowed his hatred for dance instructors to consume him, according to his neighbors in Pasadena Star-News. He attacked the Lunar New Year event then attempted to murder more people at another celebration, but was thankfully disarmed at the door by a new hero, Brandon Tsay.

How many kids have to die before you care?

Adam Porterie Student Writer

This year has started like every other with gun deaths reaching peak levels only seen in the mid-1990s. Currently, the number of mass shootings in America outnumbers the days in the year. At the time of writing, there have been 39 mass shootings throughout the

a firearm and use it to murder people. I believe that in this state of constant violence, there are few arguments against implementing mental health evaluations as a continuous requirement for owning a firearm and ammunition.

On Jan. 6 a six-year-old boy decided to bring a handgun to Richneck Elementary School and shoot his first grade teacher Abigail Zwerner. The child brought the gun to school with malicious intent and showed it to one of his friends, threatening that he would shoot them if they told anyone. On

The Monterey Park shooting only feels like a droplet of violence in the sea of blood spilled by gun violence. As recounted by neighbors, the gunman was obsessed with being well-liked in the dance studio and felt that no one truly liked him. Once again, someone who is clearly mentally unwell and has murderous intent manages to obtain

the day of the shooting, three of Zwerner’s fellow teachers went to school administration about the student having a firearm in his backpack and all concerns were ignored. One administrator even instructed an employee to “wait the situation out because the school day was almost over,” according to Diane Toscano, Zwerner’s attorney.

Thankfully, this shooting has not ended in another death, but it raises many questions about gun legislation in America where teachers must fear their students making an attempt on their lives with no support from administration. Zwerner deserves to sue Newport News Public Schools and I hope she will never have to step foot in a classroom again under a system that failed to support her in the most basic ways.

Locally, we have Oklahoma lawmaker Jay Steagall advocating for the arming and licensing of teachers for concealed carry in the classroom. Steagall stated, “I wanted to make sure that I was making available all the tools that I had to help arm those that protect our kids even if they’re not on school grounds.” Steagall wishes to make a difference in Oklahoma schools by arming them for the next mass shooter to come through their doors. This initiative by Steagall not only makes schools a more dangerous place to be, as we can see in stories having access to firearms is not particularly associated with healthy living. I can only imagine the tense situations this would create in the classrooms as students would have cause for concern about a teacher snapping on them and their life abruptly ending because the instructor has had a bad day. Furthermore,

this idea by Steagall ignores the root cause of America’s gun violence: people that are mentally unwell and cannot get the help they need are able to obtain firearms in this country.

Gun violence in America is an entirely solvable issue, and every year tens of thousands of Americans are killed by politicians’ fear of taking concrete action and general incompetence on the part of the government. The answer to gun violence is not more guns. Sweeping action across the country must be taken to invest in and improve the mental health of all Americans in every age group.

The National Archives loses government documents

A surprising new trend among former and current public officials seems to be emerging: finding stashes of classified documents at homes and offices of executive officials. Both President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence have turned over documents leftover from their times as VP. Similarly, the FBI raided Mar-A-Lago in the fall and uncovered a multitude of classified documents Donald Trump has held onto. While it may be easy to equate these three situations and draw a conclusion that they are all on the same footing, that conclusion is categorically false. While Biden and Pence certainly made grave errors in handling vital

documents, these papers were handed over by legal teams following their discovery. Both Pence and Biden assured the public that thorough searches would be conducted to locate any other documents still in their possession, as well as stating emphatically that this was not done out of malice.

Trump, however, is a different story. He did not hand over his cache of classified

documents, the FBI confiscated them. He did not claim this as a mistake. Horrifying as that is on its own, some of these classified document folders were, indeed, empty. The empty files could have just simply been shredded, or met some other innocuous end. With the Trump administration, though, that seems to hardly be the case. For example, a seemingly suspicious investment into Jared Kushner’s new company sparked a slew of opinion articles from the New York Times and others that he had sold classified documents to Saudi Arabia. This speculation

eventually led to a House Oversight Committee investigation into this $2 billion contribution.

No matter the intentions behind these misplaced classified documents, it seems nonsensical that they can just go missing. Does the National Archives not work like a library? If an official can just walk around with classified documents willy-nilly, with

no record of where those documents are, it seems like they would get misplaced constantly.

If three former and current elected officials can be in illegal possession of these documents with no one seeming to know, the system seems very ineffective. If these documents are so sensitive, why are they even allowed out of the Archive’s possession? Why are they not accounted for at all times? McFarlin Library seems to have a better system of keeping track of materials than the federal government.

The National Archives seems so ineffective, in fact, that they have now called upon all former presidents and vice presidents to conduct searches of their homes and offices for classified documents. No one knows who has what.

While a lot of classified documents are largely harmless, some could be useful to foreign, antagonistic governments. Some

documents, such as the identities of U.S. secret agents, are of key interest to enemies of the state. Without a more effective filing system, there is essentially no way to know if, how many or which classified government documents have landed in foreign hands. Every president, vice president and anyone else that has access to classified documents of any level must be diligent in their regard for sensitive materials such as these. If the American government does not know where its classified documents are, its enemies certainly might.

McFarlin Library keeps better track of books than the federal government keeps track of classified documents.

Victoria Grossman Student Writer

courtesy wikimedia commons Biden, Pence and Trump had illegal possession of classified documents, that we know of.

Brandon Tsay

Tsay disarmed the Monterey Park shooter.

“... they have now called upon all former presidents and vice presidents to conduct searches of their homes and offices for classified documents.”

courtesy wikimedia commons

State Representative Jay Steagall is offering training at his gun store, Cloverleaf Precision.

courtesy @MikeSington on Twitter Zwerner was shot by her student after multiple teachers warned administration about the firearm.

“The answer to gun violence is not more guns.”

courtesy whitehouse.gov

President Joe Biden has cooperated with authorities in returning all classified documents in his possession.

Death Cab for Cutie brings highly anticipated tour to Cain’s Ballroom

The band is touring around the world in support of the release of their latest album “Asphalt Meadows.”

Maddie Walters Managing Editor

Death Cab Cutie will bring their Asphalt Meadows tour to Cain’s Ballroom on Feb. 7, celebrating the release of their tenth studio album, which was released last year to rave reviews. The band Momma will support the band at this highlyanticipated show. This is a rescheduled concert after the original date was postponed last year for unknown reasons.

Unfortunately, the concert has already sold out, but local radio stations such as 104.5 the Edge are giving away tickets leading up to the show through both their social media and listening live in the mornings and afternoons.

Entering into their third decade as a band, the band was originally formed in 1997 in Bellingham, Washington during the members’ time at Western Washington University. Comprised of Ben Gib -

bard, Nick Harmer, Jason McGerr, Dave Depper and Zac Rae, the band has received a total of eight Grammy nominations over the years with the latest being in 2016 for “Best Rock Album” for their album “Kintsugi.”

Perhaps most well-known for their song “I Will Follow You Into the Dark,” the band’s newest album grapples with anxiety and dread – the upbeat indie rock music sharply contrasting the doom and gloom of the lyrics. But, of course, that’s what Death Cab for Cutie does best.

Most recently, the band released a stunning visualizer for their song “Pepper.” The video was directed by Juliet Bryant who has worked with the band

on previous occasions. Bryant is also well-known for her work with Laura Jane Grace (Against Me!) and Japanese Breakfast.

2023 sees the band embark on multiple tours with the majority of dates already sold-out. Out of the 10 tour dates the band has scheduled for February, seven are already sold out, with the remaining three only having limited amounts of tickets available. Later this fall, the band will set out on a co-headline tour with The

Postal Service, with Death Cab for Cutie celebrating the twentieth anniversary of their album “Transatlanticism.”This collaborative tour also sees the Postal Service celebrating the emerald anniversary of Give Up.

This highly anticipated tour is nearly sold out already, with many venues adding a second date due to the high demand. Most notably, the bands sold out two nights at Madison Square Garden and three nights at the historic Hollywood Bowl.

It goes without saying that seeing this iconic band in a venue as intimate as

Cain’s Ballroom is a rare treat that probably won’t come around again for quite some time. If you were able to score yourself a ticket, count yourself lucky. If not, keep listening to the Edge, and check back with Cain’s Ballroom’s box office in case any extra tickets open up for purchase. You can come back to the Collegian’s social media and website for a concert gallery and review following the show.

Death Cab for Cutie’s tenth studio album “Asphalt Meadows” can now be streamed on all major streaming platforms.

The aptly titled ‘Every Loser’

and least poetic language imaginable in the hopes that any critique levied against him will be rebuffed by the gravity of the subject matter. He does, however, help to introduce the audience to the potentially Freudian interpretations of his release, as the refrain “You’re strung out, Johnny” switches at times to become “I’m strung out, mommy.”

Fame changes people. Too many artists find themselves unable to replicate the work that made them famous in the first place, and this holds true especially in music. Boston never came close to recovering the magic of their self-titled debut album, Pearl Jam — though they had good music after it — never replicated “Ten,” and Black Sabbath to this day gets little radio play from albums other than “Paranoid.” The struggle for recognition drives artists to create to the very best of their ability, but once that recognition is found, the sad truth is that the output thereafter tends to wane in quality with each successive release. “Every Loser” is Iggy Pop’s nineteenth solo album.

If one were to try to describe the album in one word, the term “lazy” might come to mind. The album begins with the track “Frenzy,” an ode to a directionless angst familiar to the punk scene, which begins with the unforgettable first words of the release, “Got a dick and two balls, that’s more than you all.” He follows this wordsmanship with a slew of profanities that he pronounces as though he had to ask permission. But the music itself comes off as surprisingly enjoyable, and this seems to occur because more capable individuals than Mr. Pop put in overtime. Chad Smith of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame and Duff McKagan of Guns ‘n Roses, guests on most tracks, do their best to open the album well; unfortunately, the artist on the sleeve seems to have had the lyrical portion of the writing left to him. The first song ends in poetic refrain, “I got a dick and two balls.”

The next track, “Strung Out Johnny,” reads like middle school poetry. Pop takes a serious topic, addiction in this instance, and presents it to his audience in the plainest

Unfortunately for anyone who finds themself listening to the album, the failure of the first two tracks does not consist merely of an organizational error. The first two tracks he offers to grab his audience’s attention are probably the best two songs on the album. The third track, “New Atlantis,” begins with Pop characterizing his conceptualized city in his best impression of the voice from the Dodge truck commercials. Outside of that portion, the most memorable part of the song occurs at the end, when he makes explicit that the “beautiful whore of a city” he describes is Miami. Following this is “Modern Day Ripoff,” in which Pop showcases his lyrical ability in saying almost nothing but “ripoff” for the second half of the song. In an effort to save himself though, he uses the ensuing “Morning Show” to describe himself in metaphor, making allusions to delicious Raisin’ Cane’s chicken when he describes how he’s “crispy on the outside / And juicy where [he cries].”

This brings listeners to the first of two interludes. In “The News for Andy,” he revives the Dodge truck voice to lampoon electric media commercials at-large before inviting listeners to revel in his punk revival “Neo Punk,” that exists despite the fact that punk didn’t really die nor ask him to save it. In case his feelings about punk were unclear though, he leaves no room for misinterpretation in beginning the track by shouting “Punk!” three times. But the god complex continues throughout the song as the “hunky, Libertarian Neo Punk” brags about how “Old ladies cum when [he flashes his] junk,” and he even keeps the egotism alive into “All the Way Down” where the star, worth an estimated $20 million, derides “Camels coming through the needles” and

“Foam, rubber, [and] Hollywood breasts.” But his reflection and self-awareness do eventually shine through with “Comments,” the last track before the second interlude. He continues to discuss his themes with the greatest touch of subtlety in commanding his imagined partner in the song, “Sell your stock in Zuckerberg and run” just before further ordering them, “Sell your face to Hollywood.” The self-awareness is what saves the track though, as he reminds listeners how he “Sold [his] face to Hollywood” and that he now is “feelin’ good, lookin’ good.” The confidence reaches a head in the second interlude, “My Animus.” Here, Pop shares his wish “To smell out and find the saucer of milk and drink it all,” his own feline twist on having his cake and eating it too. If not for his expert ability to string together words in such a moving fashion, one might almost wish that the interludes provided more of a respite from his witticisms. The album finally comes to a close with “The Regency,” which doubles down on the binding moral of the release, which is that he says bad words (and you should too!). In an age where much music released

comes out laced with profanity and most people are okay with that (including, in no small part, this author), Pop relies heavily on the notion that “Fuck the Regency” will resonate enough with his audience that it won’t seem like a gag when the album’s longest track has little else on which to rely for lyrics. Pop’s incredible knack for finding an underwhelming line and beating it to death sees its crowning moment on the album’s closing track.

Unfortunately, the album is not even that bad. Everything outside of the lyrics is actually enjoyable, forgettable at its worst moments but attention-grabbing at its best — which are not uncommon. The problem, however, lies in Pop’s insistence on continuing to sing or speak even during what might otherwise have been a fun bridge in almost every song. Smith and McKagan create great music, as do the other guests who appear, including the late Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters, but all these superstars find themselves fighting a losing battle as Pop does his best to ruin everything they give him.

“2023 sees the band embark on multiple tours with the majority of dates already sold-out.”

The band is touring all across the US and Canada.

Zach Short Editor-in-Chief

The latest Iggy Pop album features a slew of guests, but they fail to save the monstrosity Pop creates.

“Pop’s incredible knack for finding an underwhelming line and beating it to death sees its crowning moment on the album’s closing track.”

“It goes without saying that seeing this iconic band in a venue as intimate as Cain’s Ballroom is a rare treat...”

Go ahead Brad. Cut our budget more. I dare you

State-Run the media

Oral Roberts returns from the grave amidst plague of locusts

Behold! He is returned. The trumpets hath sounded!

Tulsa, OK—We’ve experienced some hectic weather these past couple of weeks, from chilly 20s to comforting 60s, and although not quite the snow that many of us were hoping for, we have experienced a fun meteorological phenomenon instead:

Oral Roberts, renowned televangelist and founder of Oral Roberts University (no relation*), returned from the grave riding a leaden chariot amidst a plague of locusts. In what seems to be a blatant offense to all things holy, Roberts has made a Faustian deal with Abaddon, angel of the abyss, to return from Hell for the duration of one week and have at his command a swarm of locusts large enough to be detected via radar. And his goal? To make sure local Chick-Fil-A’s are upholding “good Christian values.” When pressed for comment on his guidelines as for what exactly constituted “good Christian values,” he presented the following manifesto:

1: All Chick-fil-a shifts must begin with a word led by the prayer captain, elected based on church history and a lack of homosexual traits or qualities, including having piercings or being from the “state” of California

2: All chickens must be exsanguinated prior to processing as detailed in Leviticus 17:13-14

3: All employees must fit within modesty standards, subject to judgment from the prayer captain

4: All employees should consecrate themselves before the product, being chaste in all carnal pursuits and desires

5: All those who do good to the least of men shall be blessed by God. All those who steal from the least of men shall be blessed by capitalism

6: Thou shalt not lie, unless it is to the IRS regarding charitable donations

7: Ten percent of all profits shall go toward charities promoting good Christian values

8: An additional ten percent of all profits shall go toward the Oral Roberts Founda-

Brad Carson breaks Guinness World Record for most stripes on suit

What world records will TU president Brad Carson seek next?

What do students think?

Kyle Garrison Resident fashion judger and pizza party skeptic.

It is no secret that University of Tulsa president Brad Carson enjoys a good pinstripe suit. He also enjoys spending money on Guinness World Records. [Editor’s note: I personally would prefer buying a Guiness for charity, but that is just me] After breaking the world record for the largest pizza party (by number of CS majors in attendance), an emboldened Carson turned to his next target: most stripes on a suit.

I briefly interviewed Carson, running behind his inexplicably fast golf cart. When asked about any symbolism behind the stripes: he just responded: “one stripe for each drone strike as United States Under Secretary of the Army” and sped off into the night.

When the official judges arrived on campus looking exhausted from all the flights in and out of Tulsa, Carson greeted them with a smile and a $14,000 balloon arrangement which two hours later had spread old latex all around the campus even more than the usual amount.

The ceremony started with a live performance by a country artist you have never heard of and a bunch of screaming student kiss-asses welcoming Carson to the stage, all of whom had attended the class Carson taught on terrorism in which he admitted that some of the war crimes may have been a mistake.

Once on the stage Carson explained how much he had improved the university by implementing the Brad Carson Method, which he explained was paying a lot of money for useless things which attract prospective CS students, instead of paying professors or making housing building up to code.

In order to count stripes, Carson invited all Presidential Scholars (under threat of blocking their scholarships), to come on stage and hand count each stripe on the suit. Once the final count of 500 per square inch had been confirmed, an army of food robots came on stage and started playing “Eye of the Tiger” at 140 decibels -- another world record.

After interviewing a few students about the use of the budget for collecting Guinness World Records, the general consensus seemed to be of apathy. “If Harry Styles isn’t at Springfest, then I don’t really care about what Brad has to say.” Another student said, “I don’t care about anything Brad Carson does unless it centers around increasing the volume of free alcohol I receive per week.” “I will be marrying Harry and this would be a great way to meet him’’ one student exclaimed. The gaming lounge was abuzz with support for Carson’s use of money. A clearly unshowered man explained to me that “until Brad came to TU, no one was really listening to the wants and needs of the cis, white, straight, male gamers who do not shower.”

At press time a ravenous Brad Carson was eyeing the world record for lowest rate of pay for tenured professors, as well as the record for most people run over by food robots per square mile. Maybe this will be the thing needed to move TU up in the national college rankings.

tion for Promoting Good Christian Values

He followed this up with the statement that any and all franchises not meeting these standards shall be ravaged by a blight of locusts. To demonstrate, he had the locusts, who notably all had human hair, ravage the “sinful” (one worker had, to my knowledge, a tattoo of a cross) ORU Chick-Fil-A. Suddenly, a dreadful noise, akin to the roaring of a ferocious beast, indeed, rang through the air, as the locusts so smote the establishment that not even a stone of the foundation remained unblemished. When asked for comment

on any other plans Roberts had while he was back in the land of the living, he said that one thing he was looking forward to was listening to his favorite band, the Village People. “I often sit down in Hell and ponder the state of the world. I think that if more people listened to YMCA and embraced the strong conservative values pounded into the lyrics, there’d be less evil in the world.” He then proceeded to blast the sermon channel from an old radio on the chariot as he took off amidst a humdrum of buzzing and calls for donations.

*see why fact checkers mark this as false

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Mason Chow

Acclaimed satirist and fake news spreader

graphic by Kyle Garrison