Five Virtues of E-mails

Ingrid Åsbø Sondov Journalist Aleksander Mæland Munkejord Translator

Though I have no statistical data to support this, I think it’s safe to assume that whoever is reading this, voluntarily or involuntarily possesses at least one e-mail address. When you accepted the terms and conditions of Outlook, Gmail or Yahoo, and let the big boys know everything about you for the next hundred years, you probably were not told what was really lying ahead in the chaotic world of e-mails you were about to enter. The challenges are all lined up in a cluttered mishmash of digital messages, often disguised as factual and professional, where entirely ordinary women and men are the authors. It could be nice to have a little guidance as to how to be a good, or simply virtuous, e-mail citizen.

VIRTUE I: Quick response time

1A prerequisite for decent communication, is that there is any communication at all. It’s highly annoying to never get a reply to an e-mail. At the same time, it is difficult to immediately answer hopeless questions THAT THERE ARE NO ANSWERS TO. Anyways, a virtuous e-mail user replies quickly, even on a Saturday morning. A complete “Saturday at last”Saturday. And there’s a sudden “ding!”. And you grasp your flashing widget as if it was a hundred-dollar bill about to be gone with the wind. Checking your phone is something you excel at. It’s not an info-mail to all students at NMBU. It’s for your eyes only.

What are you doing, really?

Theho Lys Pirit <thelord@earth.com> Sat, April 13. 2021 11:47 to me

Hi

I’ve been keeping an eye on you for a good while now. I have a couple of things I need to clear up. Why do you tell such terrible jokes? Why are they the same every time? I have attached some documents with an overview of your precarious issues. Please sign these.

Best regards

Theho Lys Pirit Senior advisor and observer

Questions about exchange

Mayn Ques Tions <Manyq@yahoo.com> Wed, February 3 2021 kl. 03:14 til meg

Hi. My name is Mayn and I study philosophy on my second year. My interests are plenty. I dream of going for an exchange to Chamonix in France the coming fall. But then it happened. I forgot that the deadline was February 1st. It was quite simply out of my head. Is there any possibility that I can still apply? I like skiing, but don’t speak French. But I believe that can be learned pretty quickly. Is it possible to attend a language course, and does that have a cost? Or do you recommend mingling with the locals? Given that I manage to bring my skis, I probably need a vaccine dose. Or two. Is there a separate vaccination schedule for exchange students? Or do you get a vaccine in Chamonix? If I don’t get a vaccine, you can forget about the skis. I will not be skiing if I don’t have the vaccine in my blood. Which courses should I take this year to be well off next year? I guess that time is up for course registration, but I can always attend for the sake of experience. And if I can’t take the right courses, where would you recommend that I go, instead of Chamonix? Thanks in advance, and best regards, Mayn. 2VIRTUE II: Air A good rule of thumb is that most things in life require sufficient amounts of air. Campfires, athletes, significant others, divers, and dragons. The same rule applies in the world of e-mails. Experts claim that when the e-mail flies in the air from your device to the recipient’s, the message can fall to the ground if the text is too dense.

Sly Professor <s.professor@nmbu.no> Thur, May 20 2021, 14:06 til Alle

I want to remind you of these fifteen points, that I recite in a mile-long e-mail. Way at the end I mention that there are three stationary PCs in the basement at REALTEK, it would be great if someone could take those away/bring them home.

Best regards Sly Professor 3 Virtue III: Appropriate subjects So called clickbait is in no way a virtue in the world of e-mails.

VIRTUE IV: Context4 As in all faceless and unspoken communication, it’s a good idea to add some context and timeliness. It would be sad if anyone points out that you send identical e-mails year after year. A virtous e-mail puts some effort into spicing up the message with some comments on the weather, the corona situation, a holiday, sports or the news. The recipient will feel like the message is unique and not mass-produced. A few lines is enough.

Residual waste goes in the bin.

Suni S. Shining <suni.shining@norwegianoilcompany.no> Thur, February 4th 2021, 19:18

Dear everyone,

Hope you’ve all had a great weekend, and enjoyed ESC-singing, or maybe the World Championship in skiing. The exitement got a little over-the-top at the mixed relay, with Olsbu’s three freakin’ extras!! I almost shat myself. And you’ve probably been burning firewood, with the temperatures we’ve been having. Way down at -25. I bet a lot of us had to pull the covers extra tightly!

We have to stop throwing residual waste in the bottle-return container.

Have a great weekend! Enjoy the fresh breeze coming from the east. Don’t wear your fancy hat - it will be blown away. Whoosh!!

Kind regards

Suni Shining HR-consultant

Forgot this!!

Ada Kadabra <a.kadabra@ass.kommune.no> Mon, March 29 2021, 09:32 to me, Kari, Jarle, Sigrun, Felipe, Kim

Helloey!

Heh,,… I (OF COURSE) forgot something I forgot to mention (as usual). At the meeting we (who were there) agreed upon that I would be on cake duty for out next meeting (which is on Friday), but now (after checking my schedule) I have to swap with one of you (I’ll bring cake next time (If I can!)) I’m going to the cabin (with bae and the dog). I should have remembered (well-well, can’t remember everything, right?). But u guys fix! :-).

Seeya! /A 5 VIRTUE V: A little effort One can easily assume that thoughtful, structured and digression free e-mails are reserved only for future employers. Wrong. It is real and virtuous to send tidy e-mails to everyone, even to colleagues you’ve known for years and with whom you have developed tribal languages.

I’m no e-mail professor, but I would still dare claim that Microsoft and Google will never lead us through crash courses in e-mail ethics when we create e-mail addresses in the future. That’s a shame. For through the virtues, we can all reach a harmonic and happy e-mail life. Aristotle would endorse this, had he been here today. I wonder what his e-mail address would have been.