Turn Left Issue 15

EDITED, DESIGNED AND WHATEVERED

BY ADAM PETERS. ALL PHOTOGRAPHS

BY JOHN HESSE EXCEPT FOR: PAGE 3 (COOP & GIN) BY NOISE TANK // PAGE 8 (EMMA) BY NICHOLAS BREKESPERE // PAGE 14 (SKATE) BY TURN LEFT // THANKS TO ALL OF OUR LOVELY INTERVIEWEES. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR AWESOME ADVERTISERS – THEY MAKE THIS MAG POSSIBLE!

“We did a win!” was the cry (of almost disbelief) from many Rockers at the after party three weeks ago. That 27 point win (170-143) over the Newcastle Whippin’ Hinnies was the AllStars’ first open door victory since last May, when they beat Leeds side Hot Wheel by exactly the same 27 point margin.

Following a run of seven losses, it would be nice to see the Rockers string a sequence of wins together. That’s not going to be easy, particularly given how strong Croydon Riot Squad are. The rankings may have changed [Croydon played LRR in Champs last weekend, after this mag went to press] but at present the South Londonders sit one place below Brighton (19th v 20th) in the UKRDA table.

The last home event saw two on track celebrations after the games. First off the Rockers toasted captain Gin Atomic’s 30th birthday; then Cake Or Death received (and accepted) a wedding proposal. This column therefore ends once again with a cat (or Cat) pic. Congrats to her and Phil. GO ROCKERS!

(CRD) R E P O O C T AGEN RRD) B ( C I M O T & GIN A

When Brighton last played Croydon here at the Dolphin they were teammates. Today they’re on opposing sides. Turn Left hides on the sidelines as Coop and Gin embark on an online banter-off.

WE’RE HARDLY THE MOST tech savvy of folks here at BRATS Towers. (Heck, we’re still making a printed magazine, rather than a VR Kindle Android vine that’s injected directly into our readers’ eyes.)

So we’re a little nervous when incompatible diaries mean we are going to conduct this double interview online rather than in the pub. *bangs the black box with a flashing light by the phone socket* Helloooo?

“Hello,” says Agent Cooper.

“Gin not here yet? Shall I start off the banter anyway? Hey Gin, don’t say anything if you smell like a basket of gaskets.”

Silence. “Oh my god it’s true!”

Suddenly a little green circle appears by Gin’s name.

“A basket of gaskets?”

“Oh sh**, she’s here!”

“Imma rub my gaskets in your face after the game.”

“Bring it.”

“Oh, it’s on. It’s on...”

For us spectators, it seems Brighton and Croydon have only met twice before; Bteams at Eastbourne Extreme last summer, A-teams here in Haywards the previous year. Presumably the sides meet a lot more often than that to scrim/game/etc behind closed doors? Agent Cooper (Croydon): Sometimes Gin and I meet up to get drunk and then occasionally we’ll have little fun closed door bouts, but there’s that pesky A23 in the way. Gin Atomic (Brighton): They named that road after my derby number, you know.

Brighton and Croydon have a friendly rivalry, which is always good fun on and off the track. When we have games together, we tend to try and plan some social stuff too so we can see each other, because we’re soppy and lame.

Brighton have strong links with other sides, such as (WFTDA sponsors) LRR and (Sussex neighbours) Eastbourne. How do the Rockers’ links with Croydon compare? Have these links grown bigger since Gin joined Brighton? I reckon the Rockers are our closest derby pals. Partly because of Gin, but also because we swapped 23s; they got Gin and we got Banger, who is on our B-team now. CRD’s kind of ‘the other London league’ and we don’t have strong ties with LRR or LRG (although we played the former last week for the first time ever). We love playing Brighton and trading players with them every year or so.

Roller derby rivalry isn’t the same as football rivalry is it? The respective football teams of Brighton and Croydon (certainly at a fan level) hate each other. Why is roller derby different?

Or do you actually secretly hate each other? I secretly hate Coop. But don’t tell her. I openly hate Gin. Tell everyone.

I think the nature of derby has always been friendly, as it was

So which team has better fans, Brighton or Croydon?

Look at it this way – Croydon doesn’t have a fanzine ;) Is that a hint for CRD fans to start one up? Turn Left thinks every derby league should have a fanzine. Coop could do one. In crayon. We’d like ours to be called Cronk Juice and just be colouring in.

You’d go over the lines. YOU WANNA GO? BRING IT! Some teams (eg Bristol) seem to have magnificently loud, chant heavy crowds, but that’s fairly rare. Is there anything that leagues or individual players could do to encourage more crowd atmosphere at games? Probably people holding up signs saying ‘CHANT NOW’. My dad has tried to get chants going, but Londoners don’t like joining in. Croydon are great chanters, whereas Brighton are more about cheering. There will always be a call or something that the crowd disagree with, but you rarely get any booing at derby. I think we’re lucky that our sport tends to keep that aspect down.

such a niche sport that folk were generally just excited to hang with people who share that interest. As it grows in popularity it has managed to maintain that spirit, which is cool. I think rival roller derby fans don’t hate each other because they’re not massive babies. Although I have seen people getting a bit aggy on occasion. Leave the smack talk to the players not the fans. I think a lot of people go to games to support both sides as well. And obvs we tend to bundle into a single pub together after a game too, so you all bond together over tequila!

It’s a little surprising how many people have played for Croydon whilst living in Brighton. What makes people commute so far to training when there are teams closer by? I think it’s just what fits. Different leagues have different attitudes, policies, goals etc. It’s about finding your fit I guess. Partly it’s because it’s so easy to get from Cronx to Brighton and vice versa.

Partly it’s because your team is your family – I love CRD and I couldn’t imagine playing for anyone else. ’Easy’? Can I remind you of all our many Rail Replacement nightmares. Oh yeah, nothing like spending twenty quid and five hours getting to and from practice...

Gin’s transfer was presumably a big thing for Croydon – she was pretty iconic, star-

ring on the league’s calendar and iPod covers etc at the time. Was it difficult to adapt to her departure, and what has changed since she left? Who? My transfer was travel based. I loved CRD, but the travel was too much and too expensive after a while. I love Brighton, I’m happy skating with them, but I never left Croydon for any other reason than the commute. We miss Gin, obviously, especially as now we have NO big tall girls and we’re essentially a league of peewees. We still use Gin as an example when we’re talking about double threats and covering the track. And of course, whenever Gin comes for a

sneaky skate it’s like Christmas. Aww fanks. Leaving was a big deal. They said nice things and made me cry.

You were both playing for Croydon the previous time (in July 2014) the two Ateams met in front of an audience. Brighton won that one 163-151. What do you remember of that game?

Getting a horrible ankle injury (trying to do offence for Gin in the last jam) which STILL gives me jip. That and Bash knocking me into the front row of the crowd. I think that was a real turning point for Croydon.

We’d always hugely looked up to Brighton, and to get a score

THE INSIDE LINE...

How did you two first meet? I saw Gin’s picture on the INTERNETS before I even started skating. When I saw Croydon play Portsmouth and met her properly I was TERRIFIED. We met at CRD. Coop got drunk on cocktails in Brighton, told me that she once threw up on a swan, and we’ve been besties ever since.

What’s her best attribute/ skill in derby? Gettin’ low.

Hurtling out the front and knocking the jammer into the neighbouring borough.

What’s her worst attribute/ skill/wev? Her pads smell like a dead dog in a sauna.

When she goes down she goes down HARD. Seeing her get sparkoed is never fun.

What are you most jealous of?

Her sharp and quick wit. Oh you! Shurrup. Legs, cheekbones, how hard she thump.

What are you so much better at than them? Not being a midget. Not being an ent.

What is your one sentence of killer banter ahead of today’s game? Errrrr... (That’s not it.) Imma kick you in the face Coop – again. Make sure you bring plenty of water Gin, YOU LOOK THIRSTY.

like that just felt like all the hard work paying off.

It’s fair to say that Croydon have leapfrogged Brighton in many ways over the past year or so, replacing them in Tier 2 South of British Champs, gaining full WFTDA membership (Brighton are in the early stages of apprenticeship), etc. Has it taken a lot of drive for Croydon to grow so quickly?

Croydon have always been very driven. The level of focus and determination from those ladies is inspiring. Or something less soppy. To be fair, Brighton quit Champs along with many other leagues, so it wasn’t leapfrogging, really. We have been upping our game though; training harder, recruiting new people into our A- and B-teams who are amazing and full of potential. We have a new bench coach who is brilliant, and after a run of painful defeats late last year we REALLY want to smack it this time. Imma really smack YOU Coop.

Moving on to today’s game, both sides are much changed since the 2014 match-up.

Any particular players on the other side that you’ll be looking out for? I’m always afraid of Hairy Fairy’s sweep to the outside. STOP IT HAIRY. And also I really hope our blockers are quick enough to stop Skate Bush. Dyduch hits like a freight train.

Do you want to know what rankings site Flattrackstats expects result wise? Naaaah.

What will be will be, regardless of predictions. I don’t like looking at predictions either – it can throw you off your game.

Finally, would you prefer to fight an alligator sized squirrel or a squirrel sized alligator?

Alligator sized squirrel. Who wouldn’t want to see that, let alone fight it!

Squirrel sized alligator please.

Handbag sized. No, YOU’RE handbag sized.

W O N T O I R E R E TH

RIO

PTAIN A C ( H C U DYD

Hi there. Riot Squad have only played the Rockers AllStars once before in front of a crowd. That was in July 2014 here at the Dolphin.

Brighton won 163-151. What do you remember about that particular game? I can’t believe that game was nearly two years ago! It doesn’t feel that long. It was a really fun and challenging game. There were a couple of lead changes, and it was an exciting and tense game to play in, right up until the final whistle.

RANKINGS & PREDICTIONS IF BASED ON UKRDA RANKINGS BRIGHTON A: 19TH (602.3pts) CROYDON A: 20TH (594.8pts) BRIGHTON 61% CHANCE OF WINNING PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 43:37 SUGGESTS CIRCA 172-148 HOME WIN

IF BASED ON EURO RANKINGS CROYDON A: 43RD (619.6pts) BRIGHTON A: 68TH (584.8pts) CROYDON 70% CHANCE OF WINNING PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 21:16 SUGGESTS CIRCA 168-128 AWAY WIN ALL STATS CORRECT AS OF 12/5/16 GAMES LAST WEEKEND NOT INCLUDED

UAD) ne Q S T O I R N by sce UK der E CROYDO

OF TH

ain the r capt ng in o thei re flyi t a ch. k t n l a o a m d Croy s re. We t r t e n k e c s o e R at pr ay’s of tod ahead

Croydon have surged up the rankings since then, rising to Tier 2 South of Champs and full WFTDA membership. What has been the source of that surge, and what are your ambitions now? We are very focused and have been upping our work rate and fitness as this is an important part of roller derby.

The team is very dedicated to working hard for one another.

We are really excited to be in Tier 2 and to have become full WFTDA members. We can’t wait to see where this season takes us, and then where can move onto from here...

Presumably your team has changed a fair bit since the 2014 game? Are there any particular CRD players or tactics the crowd should look out for? The team has changed quite a bit since 2014.

We have been working on some new stuff, so keep a lookout today to see what that is.

Whilst Brighton and Croydon teams have only met twice in public, we under-

stand that you play each other quite often behind closed doors. Is there are close relationship between the two leagues? Croydon view Brighton as their BFFs in the roller derby world. The competition is friendly and we want to help each other improve. There is a lot of love between our two teams.

Any particular Rockers players that you’ll be looking out for today? Gin Atomic. I don’t think I need to say any more!

There are two different rankings systems out there. One confidently predicts that Croydon will win today, the other confidently predicts a Brighton win. Care to make a prediction of your own? We predict a fun and close game.

It’ll be great to watch.

Finally, do you have any message for the CRD fans in the crowd today? Thank you to all our family and friends who continue to support the Croydon league. We really couldn’t do this without you.

ACTIVITIES SCHOOL SPORTS DAY

Don your quads for this sports day with a twist. Every race will take place on skates.

Sign up for the egg and spoon, three-legged or wheelbarrow race (the sack race has been banned by health and safety) or join a penalty box themed game of musical chairs.

DANCE ROLLER DISCO DANCE-OFF

Mass Janeycide and Rose Bleed lead the teams in this competitive roller disco dance-off.

Whilst no-one can hope to match the captains for moves, disco diva Estro Jen from Moxi Skates has suitably glittery prizes for the best of the rest. Wear something shiny.

CABARET SEASON OF GOOD CHEER

Rockers skaters Feisty McGee, Bobslayer, Lauren Smackall and Dolores Diablo host this interactive cabaret event. They will be training up Rockers fans into an all-chanting alldancing acrobatic cheerleading troupe. Tutus and pompoms in Rockers blue will be provided.

CIRCUS WALKING A THIN LINE

Today’s game is part of the Brighton Fringe Festival.

With that in mind we set a challenge for regular Fringe performer and costumier Emma The Condemner.

To come up with (‘curate’ if you will) the programme for a Brighton Rockers themed arts festival. One involving many/most of the league’s roster...

“It would all take place over a weekend,” says Emma, “of which the centrepiece would be a massive roller derby tournament. So which of these events would I go to myself? I want to be at all of them of course!

I’m excited about this now – can we make the festival a reality next year?”

Gin Atomic displays her fancy footwork as she tiptoes (on skates) across a tightrope suspended 500 feet above Brighton Marina. This event will take place simultaneously with Gin’s 100 Gins Gin Tasting Evening.

Because that seems like a really sensible combination.

EVENT BATTLE OF SKATE-TINGS

Enlist with Dr Whooligan or Hyde N Shriek, who head up the Saxon and Norman forces in this re-enactment of the Battle of Hastings. There’s painstaking attention to historical accuracy. Apart from that everyone is wearing roller skates. And in the Northern Lights pub.

FILM SKATE FILMS ALL-NIGHTER

A night of cult roller skating films at the Duke of York’s including Rollerball, Kansas City Bomber, Whip It and, er, are there any others? Chaka Carnage and Maude Fondeo are your super competitive roller waitresses for the night. Wear waterproof clothing.

COMEDY SLAPSTICK ON SKATES

A masterclass in physical comedy as Emma the Condemner falls, stumbles, slips, slides and faceplants her way into the audience’s hearts. As well as (especially for those in the front row) their laps, heads and seats. Safety gear must be worn by all spectators.

FOOD ROCKERS FOOD FESTIVAL

Hove Lawns is taken over for this special Brighton Rockers Food Festival. Racey will be flipping some vegan ‘kangaroo’ steaks on the barbie, whilst Cake Or Death encourages you to join a cake eating competition (to the death). Or go and meet the NSOs in Haribo Castle!

INSTALLATION FRINGE VILLAGE

THEATRE WHEELIAM SHAKESPEARE

KIDS DERBY CRAFT WORKSHOP

TOUR ALL YESTERDAY’S PARTIES

Brighton skaters Obliviator and Shakesbeer perform the works of Shakespeare, whilst wearing quad skates and in the style of Starlight Express. Patrons seated in the front two rows are advised to duck during the battle scenes. And most likely all the other scenes.

Get yourself down to the Rockers Fringe Village. There you will find Enyo Face’s Rockers photobooth, Zo What’s graffiti workshop, and [insert name of anyone we’ve forgotten]’s something or other. Fringe Village has a grippy surface suitable for 94/96a duro wheels.

Kapow leads a craft workshop for the under 12s. Children will be encouraged to design and apply their own roller derby face paint, make themselves derby number armbands, then select their personal roller derby name. Before slamming each other into the wall.

LITERATURE HISTORY OF DERBY

A walking encyclopaedia on the sport, Mistress Von Über Vixen presents a nine hour talk on the history of roller derby.

Attendees are advised that no toilet breaks will be allowed, and the whip she is brandishing will be used to ensure you pay attention at all times.

MUSIC ROCKIN’ ROCKERBILLIES

Rockerbillies by name, rockerbillies by nature. This band features Lab Wrath as front person, Van Hayley on guitar, Hippy Hippy Skate on bass and Polly Dartin on drums. Backing dancers Speedy Gonzalex and Sutherland try to keep up with hits like ‘Blue Suede Skates’.

NIGHTLIFE AFTER PARTY GAMES

A subterranean club venue is transformed into the mother of all Rockers after parties. Expect the usual sporting contests (bum coin, doughnut on string, the boiled egg game) along with pot luck panties, hijacking the MP3 player, shots of water and more.

The Rockers Social Committee host a walking, drinking and vomiting tour of all the venues the Brighton league have been banned from ever again holding an after party at. Due to the sheer number of locations involved, this tour may have to span several evenings.

OUTDOORS SOUTH DOWNS WAHEY!

Enrol your little ones in the Junior Kylies, a cubs/brownies style group run by Skate Bush and Irish Mist. Skate will lead the orienteering, whilst Irish helps the kids gain their first aid badges. Things go a bit off track when the leaders stumble upon a bottle of tequila.

PHYSICAL THEATRE ZEBRA DANCE

VISUAL ARTS A HUMAN PYRAMID

SPOKEN WORD BLUE 19 CUTTING

WORKSHOP HAT ON GARDENS

Brighton’s referees conducted

by Head Ref LaserHammer present a synchronised dance routine composed of in-game hand signals. Equal parts ‘YMCA’ and ‘runway marshal trying to land a 747 in a snowstorm’. Audience members will be issued with NSO clipboards – try to keep up.

Abstract beat poetry from Rockers referee Noise Tank, who skates round and round the audience, shouting out penalty calls (“Black 83 Back Block, Blue 22 Forearms, Aquamarine 87 Smoking”) in a louder and louder voice. You’ll be having nightmares for weeks after.

Taking place on the beach, the entire population of Brighton and Hove (278,311) will be formed into the largest human pyramid ever created. But will organiser Shambolic make it up to her place on the pinnacle before the whole pyramid comes crashing down to earth?

Green-fingered Rockers Hairy Fairy and El Radgio will show you how to landscape your garden into a mini skate park, incorporating a wide variety of local flora and fauna. NB Due to the unconnected pun in the event’s name all attendees are required to wear a hat.

E S R E V Y B R E D X

SUSSE THE

FROM S W E N T S LATE

ALL OU

, BOMB S QUAD A-BOMBS

“Eastbourne co-ed team A-Bombs will take on Full Metal Roller Derby in the final event on Day 1 of this year’s Eastbourne Extreme. It will be a year since our very first game, a tough challenge (in short we lost!) against the experienced Portsmouth Scurvy Wenches. We bounced back in November to lose narrowly to Suffolk in a home closed door. Since then we’ve had impressive wins against My Moms Sexy Full Metal (a combination of three different teams in one with some major league players) and Surrey. We travel down to Cornwall in September and the East Anglo Smacksons co-ed team visit us in November. For a league that trains co-ed at all times, we think the A-Bombs show the best of Eastbourne Roller Derby.”

MS

Y TEA B R E D L A C R LO

“The Eastbourne men’s team Bomb S’Quad began 2016 with a close loss against Portsmouth; broken skates and hamstrings seeing us two players down in the first five minutes. We have trained hard for the inaugural Men’s Southern Sevens Cup. Sevens is a short form of derby featuring seven player squads playing 21 minute games with no timeouts or official reviews – a real test of endurance.

Sadly we lost all three heat games at the end of April, but these just help with seeding. The finals took place yesterday [May 21st – long after this mag went to print] with us facing second seeded Essex Men’s Roller Derby.

Earlier this month we took on Surrey in two sevens games and won both, so hopefully yesterday will have gone well!”

BRIGHTON ROCKERS

“Having taken part in last year’s tournament, our B-team return to Eastbourne Extreme for a one-off game against the hosting Bourne Bombshells. This long awaited derby derby takes place on Saturday 16th July at the Cage on Eastbourne seafront. Admission is free. The A-team will be building on our great start to the year. We hope to arrange some fun games in the summer – perhaps even a Rocker v Rocker ;) Then in the autumn we’re possibly revisiting some of our favourites from the year. We also have a dozen or so skaters taking part in the South Coast Roll skate marathon at Goodwood next Sunday. They will be raising money for our next Fresh Meat programme, so please sponsor them at tinyurl.com/brrdsponsor.”

BOURNE BOMBSHELLS B-TOWN BRAWLERS

“Europe’s first (and the world’s second) truly gender inclusive derby league, Brighton based BTown Brawlers have an exciting summer ahead of us. Brighton Trans Pride is on July 23rd, bringing with it the annual gathering of trans and gender non-conforming skaters to skate in the march of solidarity. August sees our Learn 2 Skate boot camp, where we will teach anyone how to skate, and our next Fresh Meat intake is on September 4th. And of course, our ongoing world domination plan is going from strength to strength as well. Derby for all!”

“The Eastbourne women’s team decided to drop out of British Champs this year, due to the travel distances and rankings disparities of scheduled opponents. This has meant more time to work on tactics. We’ve been practising new wall formations and working on our offence – we’re playing very differently to how we were last year! Last weekend saw a closed door against Croydon’s B-team (Vice Squad) and we’ll be playing Brighton’s B-team Rockerbillies at Extreme in July. October sees an open door double header, with the Bombshells facing Wiltshire Roller Derby (as well as a Bomb S’Quad game). We’ve also been organising closed door games with a few French teams – a lot of the newer French leagues are quite closely ranked with us.”

NEW BOURNES

“The Eastbourne junior league have been getting out and about.

Last Christmas six of our Level 3 players played in a charity mixed game in Wales, and last weekend five of our players took part in a mixed game hosted by Hereford Roller Girls. At Eastbourne Extreme this year we will skate out for the first time as a team, where we will face a mixed team of junior skaters from around the UK and Europe. We’re a league for 917 year old girls and boys, and we practise at 7.30pm on Tuesdays at Hastings YMCA on St Pauls Road.”

S S E R P BENCH

SE TANK I O N & E D ach nch co S JANEYCI

WITH MAS with regular RNoocikseerstob find ou.t. how e

ch up over’ iffer.

We cat her ‘c role d d e n h a t e o id ches t Janeyc approa their

What’s different about the way you two bench coach?

Noise Tank: I can tell you all the ways that Janey is better.

She’s much better at morale and getting the team hyped up. She can tell when people’s heads are down – which I can’t – and she can turn that mood around, getting them fired up and thinking ‘yeah, we can do this’. Mass Janeycide: You know the rules a lot better than I do. Noise: Yeah, but that’s just the rules side; where it comes to the charisma and team morale, that’s something you’re way better at than me. You can MAKE the team play better. I don’t think I can do that. I’m good with the referees and officials, but I can’t do what Janey does for the team. She’s part of the team, whereas I feel like I’m just a referee who is benching. Janey: Noise’s knowledge of the rules gives him a big advantage in being able to spot things that have been missed.

I know that in the tournament in Caen (in February) he managed to get us some extra jams because he spotted penalties, whereas I don’t know the rulebook well enough to see some of what he does.

Noise mentions you getting the team morale up during a game. How do you do that? I don’t know really. I guess I talk to the players individually and point out things that they’re doing badly or well. That’s a big difference between us. I can’t bring myself to point out things they’re doing badly. I feel mean doing that. I don’t have a problem with it. I’m quite happy to tell them straight. Like “Just stop doing that. Leave off with those sweeping hits, which you’re missing anyway; you’ll do much better being solid in a wall.” That sort of thing. Janey knows the team a lot better than I do. She goes to all the practices, she knows the way they play, and she can say “try this tactic”. I don’t know the tactics or the defaults at all. I just watch the game and point stuff out, then click my heels

together if I win an official review. It’s like we’re two sides of a coin, but I wish I could do what Janey does. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl that I’m more sensitive to what the individual players need to hear.

You do have a much better record than Noise in terms of win percentage. Janey was there when the Rockers had their ten game unbeaten run, whereas I’ve been benching more recently at a time when results often haven’t gone Brighton’s way. Since I got babied, Noise has stepped in admirably when called upon, particularly with regard to benching away games that I haven’t been able to travel to.

Did you give him any tips before his first game covering for you on the bench?

I did give you a ‘cheat sheet’ didn’t I? Yeah, Janey gave me some tips about individual players; if so and so looks grumpy, here’s what to do – that sort of thing. Benching isn’t just about making the calls. Obviously Noise knows exactly when to make the calls.

It’s also about managing emotions on the bench. Who’s losing it a bit? Who needs to take some time out? Who needs to be told that they’re doing well?

Who needs to be told to calm down? Janey gave me some really good advice. She told me that sometimes with certain players, if they’re in a certain mood that can negatively impact the whole team’s morale.

She told me what to look out for in that regard.

Is it difficult for a male to bench coach a team like the Rockers? I think Noise is the only guy that we would let bench us. Mainly because he’s been with us so long that he’s part of the Rockers ‘family’. I’m very proud of that. I’ve been here since almost the start of the league. I think the way you bench is important in this regard too. There is a certain type of male bench coach

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF... ...The second half is about to start and one of your players is behaving oddly. She confesses that she accidentally drank half a bottle of vodka during the break. Janey: I’d ask for the other half of the bottle and neck it. Noise: I’d give that player two options. Either hit the showers and you’re done, or make and deliver on the promise of a 50-point jam. ...One of your players has just fouled out. The rival bench coach dons a chicken costume and starts to shout foul/fowl puns at you. Wrestle her to the floor, put her in a wrap and give her to the crowd with some Nandos sauce.

Start eating KFC while angrily staring them down. ...Your best player is refusing to take to the track for the start of the game as the jam timer looks exactly like a teacher she really hated at school. Tell her that she must be remembering her wrong because all teachers are fabulous. Put a cardboard bag over the jam timer’s head. ...One of your players has a pet stick insect which she brings to games for luck.

It’s half time – she can’t find it and is near hysterical. Slap her hard. (In fact, that’s the answer to all the questions really.) Sellotape a twig to my face, say “don’t worry, she’s fine I got her” and continue as normal.

I’ve encountered whose attitude towards their players isn’t exactly sexist, but is certainly patronising. Something like that would never sit well with Brighton. That’s one reason I was cautious about coming in to bench. I didn’t want to be a man telling a women’s team what to do. In practical terms being a male bench does mean there are some barriers, such as that I can’t be in the changing room with them. Which is ridiculous. The players wouldn’t mind, but it’s leisure centre rules in the UK. In Caen I was allowed in. I sat in the corner with my back to them, and we still had that time to talk about the game ahead and so forth, but I can’t do that here.

Male bench coaches tend to complain to the referees a lot more. Is that because most are refs themselves?

Yes and no. There were times in Caen where I ran on between jams after one of our players got an elbow to the face that wasn’t called. I didn’t run in to try and get the penalty, but mainly to demonstrate to the team that I had their backs. As a ref myself I understand that high blocks are far and away the hardest penalties to spot. In that situation what I would do is not go and talk to the refs, but instead say to the team: “Yeah, I know what you mean – those bitches and those bloody refs.” And then I’d just stay put. Really? Like I said at the start, I may know the rules but Janey knows the team!

S R E T T E L N E V E

S

B TE BUSH (

SKA

CRD)

ILLA ( F Y L L O P / RRD)

Who’d win a cats v dogs game of derby? Skate Bush (Brighton): Cats, absolutely.

Always cats. Polly Filla (Croydon): The cats would win hands down. They would be way more cerebral and put some killer cat-tics together. I love cats!

How many sets of wheels have you been through since taking up derby? I’m on my second set. My rookie skates came with wheels and I used those for ages. Then I upgraded to Prestos and I’ve never looked back. I have a range of duros, but I rarely change them. I started off with those big chunky SureGrip ones, then moved on to Atom Jukes which I’ve had in 93 and 95 duro. I now have the Reckless Morph 88/93 wheels, which I love. I try not to change up my wheels too much, but rather be more adaptable to the floor surface.

What extra feature would you like on derby skates?

Some spring mounted toe stops would be awesome. I don’t think they need anything else.

How many derby certificates have you won? I’ve won a few when I was a rookie and B-team player, but I’m most proud of wining MVP for the A-team against Croydon in a closed

door last year. It was my first ever A-team certificate. I don’t keep track. There are fourteen players in a squad and each contributes in their own way to team performance. All my teammates are MVPs to me!

What theme would you use if you set up a challenge team? Bad-ass feminists. But who would join? I haven’t had much to do with the rise of challenge sides; I prefer playing with my own team. However, I guess a Buffy-themed team would be cool, purely because I love Buffy. Not sure how the stakes would work in a game of roller derby though...

How many pairs of quad skates have you owned?

About six pairs begining with my beloved Fisher-Price Adjustables; those and my Walkman on a sunny day was kid heaven. I started off with some Anarchy Mayhems, then SureGrip Rebels, and now I have some lovely Bonts.

What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been at an after party?

I don’t get drunk at after parties. Kylie gets drunk at after parties though – they’re liabilities. The game against Paris Rollergirls in December was pretty wild... but what happens in Paris stays in Paris, so I’m keeping my lips zipped!

1. How many members of Wicklow Philharmonic Orchestra has Irish Mist accidentally emptied a bowl of apricot blancmange over?

2. Which Rockers blocker won an Arts Council grant to build a 200 foot tall granite statue of Pingu on Lancing seafront?

3. Which Rockers B-teamer got to the semi-finals of Britain’s Got Talent in 2011 with an act that involved balancing turtles on a malfunctioning washing machine?

4. What very unusual musical instrument is Obliviator a master of, and why is she banned from playing it in public?

5. How many Michael Bublé concerts has Shambolic attended, and who is the only woman in Britain to have attended more?

6. Which Rockers referee has written a 2,000 verse epic poem titled ‘Belchazor the Devourer of Orckind’ which he insists on reciting in full (wearing just underpants) at after parties?

7. Which Rockers jammer did the Cleethorpes Gazette recently reveal to be Banksy?

8. Why is Emma the Condemner’s one woman show ‘Fluid’ banned from being performed in Norfolk except during Lent?

9. Which Rocker did feminist poet Shelium dedicate her recent anthology Grrrrrrrrrrrrr to?

10. Which member of the current Rockers Fresh Meat programme once spent seven weeks standing in a puddle for reasons of art?

11. Why are the Cirque du Soleil terrified of Chaka Carnage?

12. How many jars of Marmite can Kapow juggle whilst standing on one leg? And why does she do it?

13. Which Brighton Rockers pivot crafts dioramas of famous sea battles using only track tape?

14. How did an aubergine and an egg timer lead to Lab Wrath’s arrest in Sidcup Art Gallery?