Turn Left Issue 14

EDITED, DESIGNED AND WHATEVERED

BY ADAM PETERS. PHOTOGRAPHS BY JOHN HESSE: PAGES 3 (SKATE), 5, 8-9 & 13 // DAVE MOORE: PAGE 7 // VINCIANE PIÉRART (NSP 189): BACK COVER, PAGES 3 (SPEEDY) & 4 // JASON RUFFELL (ROLLER DERBY ON FILM): FRONT COVER // THANKS TO ALL OUR LOVELY INTERVIEWEES. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS (THEY MAKE THIS MAG POSSIBLE).

It might be almost six months since the Rockers were last in action in Haywards Heath, but it’s already been a busy 2016 in terms of away games. Brighton took a sizeable squad to Caen in Normandy in February for a six team European tournament. Though results didn’t go as well as one might have hoped (they finished sixth) it’s all good experience.

Particularly so given that the league are currently serving their WFTDA apprenticeship. This means fancy patches sewn onto their kit (Dr Whooligan’s cat seems unimpressed in the photo below) and lots of form-filling.

Brighton played closer to home last month, going down a creditable 132-172 to the London Rollergirls side Batter C Power in Tottenham. This loss was far less than expected and saw the Rockers rise slightly (to 67th) in the European rankings.

They’re looking to build on that performance today. GO ROCKERS!

Turn Left readers’ Jammer and Rookie Of The Year talk us through recent A and B-team contests...

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P U S R E M M JA

LEX

SKATE BUS

GONZA Y D E E P S H&

...and look ahead to today’s challenging double header.

“PEOPLE CAN VAPE HERE!” both of them gasp in shock on learning that the Temple Bar doesn’t frown on leccy fags.

“But obviously we won’t, as we is athletes,” they swiftly add.

both games that day, didn’t I? Speedy: We were absolutely destroyed by Lille.

The players wouldn’t have been aware of this, but one of the Lille fans told us at half-time that he’d agreed to shave his head if they scored 400 points. That’s why their fans were going so wild when they hit 402 in the final seconds. Did he go through with it? Can you find out? We need photographic proof; it will make the huge margin of loss worth it, sort of.

It was a very tough game. It was Lille’s full A-team, whereas our B-team was still very new with not many crossover players in the squad. So I think to even score as many points as we did (84) was really good going considering. Yeah, there were some people in our team playing their first game EVER. Lille are such an established team, strong in every area – jamming, offence, defence, etc – so it’s fair play really that they won by so many points.

Not just athletes. Turn Left Award-winning athletes, no less. Skate Bush: Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to win the Jammer vote. It was a big surprise.

Speedy Gonzalex: My Rookie award was an absolutely huge surprise. I didn’t realise anyone even knew who I was! I think the Lille game [which the voting took place at] was only my third appearance.

Speaking of the Lille game, that’s the last time most Turn Left readers will have seen you both in action. Any thoughts on that match?

Skate: Oh yeah, I played in

The other game earlier that afternoon saw the Rockers A-team take on Gent GO-GO from Belgium. That result was somewhat closer (258116 to Gent) but still a fair margin. That was five months ago, which is a long time in derby, and we’re a much stronger team now. We were in quite a transitional phase for much of last year, whilst now (as people who came to our away game against Batter C Power last month will have seen) we’re playing much stronger.

For those fans who don’t get to away games, can we talk about the two big events the Rockers have taken part in since those Gent and Lille games. Firstly, there was a weekend tournament in Caen (France) a couple of months ago. That was my first experience of playing for the Ateam. They brought a few of us newer players into the squad for the tournament. It was a

lot of fun. Although we lost our three matches [against Brussels, Caen and Eindhoven] they were all fairly close games and no-one was down after it. We had a lot of fun. The Rockers had never taken part in a weekend tournament overseas before, so it made for something different; a fun outing and a chance to try something new.

In many ways it was a practice run for any future tournaments that we’ll take part in now we’re in the WFTDA membership programme.

Did you get to socialise much with the other teams or do anything touristy in Normandy? Not really – we just spent the weekend in a sports hall! As with any roller derby event, you just spend your time in a sports hall in the middle of nowhere. That’s your ‘town’ for the duration. I guess it’s the same for teams in any sport. Some Rockers did hang around for the Sunday evening after party, and they stayed up all night partying by the sounds of it. We both left early to get back for work on Monday.

Caen was quite a high profile event. The same is true of last month’s game against the London Rollergirls’ Batter C Power in Tottenham. Does playing at a bigger event make a difference as a player, Skate? You do notice when there’s a bigger crowd, certainly, and the Batter C game was a sell out in a very large venue. It was certainly the largest crowd I’ve ever played in front of. When you come out on track for the skate outs it’s a bit terrifying and daunting, but as soon as the first whistle goes you just block all of that out. You’re not really aware of the photographers, the crowd and so on, because you’re totally focused on your teammates and listening out for ref calls.

Is it fair to say that game in Tottenham was the best the Rockers have played in

quite a while? Yes, for about a year. Bear in mind also that we had to select our roster for Batter C many weeks in advance (way before Caen). By the time the game came around we had a lot of injuries. We weren’t allowed to bring in anyone to replace them, so we only had eleven players available. We lost by less than half the predicted margin (172-132). If we’d had a full fourteen I think we would have won. Definitely.

What are your expectations for today’s A-team game against Newcastle B? We’re going to win of course!

The prection computer at Flattrackstats.com expects a Newcastle win, but by about six points, which is obviously no margin at all in roller derby. The game’s there for the taking – do you have any particular tactics up your sleeves? Anyone who was at the Batter C game will know that we’ve been working very hard on building strong walls, so that’s something we’ll be looking to bring back for Newcastle. Hopefully we’ll have a full squad of fourteen too. I’ve made the programme for the event, and it does look like it will be a full A-team squad.

Moving on to the B-team game, Speedy, it’s your opponents Hoodlum Gang’s first ever match. Is it difficult to prepare when the opposition is such an unknown quantity? Absolutely, yeah. I haven’t got a clue who we’ll be playing against. Well, actually I do, since I’ve made the programme and it has all their pictures in, but I don’t know how they’ll play together.

So it’s difficult to know what to expect. Our B-team will be much changed too. We have some rookies who will be playing their first game ever, so I think the important thing is to keep positive. The game could go either way, but what matters most is that everyone has fun and tries their best.

Do you think the Rockerbillies have an advantage in that you play together regularly, which obviously isn’t the case for a new challenge team like Hoodlum Gang?

Definitely. We train together at least twice a week, and we have a mix of established Bteam players and rookies. The newer players have been doing so well at Thursday night training. It’s really exciting to see how they get on in their first game. The Rockerbillies have a good record against challenge teams. You’re gonna nail it.

We interviewed both of you separately for the magazine just under a year ago. We’d

like to read back a quote from each of those interviews. Ooh. What did we say?

Skate, we asked what your derby ambition was. You said to have a regular place on the A-team roster. It’s fair to say you’ve achieved that! Yay! That’s the first time I’ve ever successfully met an ambition! You train really hard and really want something, and it’s awesome when it works out. I’m constantly surprised that I’m still rostered...

Speedy, we spoke to you a few weeks before your Minimum Skills test. You said the thing you were most looking forward to was the 27 laps in five minutes, since you hadn’t tried it on a full size track before. What’s your record now? Still 27 in five.

The ‘speedy’ in my derby name is more of an ironic thing than any claim to supreme pace.

Have you jammed against each other much in training? Who wins? Me. Yeah. I definitely need to change my name. No, you can’t change your name! You are speedy on the B-team. Comparing yourself to an established A-teamer is like me comparing myself to Rose Bleed. I’m never going to be as a fast as Rose is, no matter what I do. That girl can fly!

Your derby ambitions for a year’s time? I want to have a regular place on the A-team roster. Haha, you’ve just nicked what I said last year! Yeah, well it worked for you, didn’t it? I’d really like to work on my blocking skills. I used to really hate blocking, finding it much more stressful than jamming, but now it’s something that I’m really starting to enjoy. I’d really like to become a proper double threat. My ambition is to be Gin Atomic, basically; that’s my goal. Well, to be like Gin. I don’t want to actually be her.

I wouldn’t want to go out with Noise Tank – euwww! Don’t put that last bit in the magazine.

Y B R E D Y A L P O

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With your A-team currently topping the British Champs table most people will be aware of Newcastle Roller Girls. For anyone who isn’t, can you tell us a little about your history and achievements to date? Method Mam: This one time I saw a girl from swing dancing at the bus stop and she had roller skates and I asked her if she’d ever watched roller derby on the YouTube because my flatmate knew Cherry Bomb... Gumtree girl gang ads, many hours, much help, more people, massive wins… [Or check out www. newcastlerollergirls.co.uk] With Newcastle and Middlesbrough currently the top ranked English sides in the UKRDA (plus Tyne And Fear riding high in the men’s game) it seems like the North East is a real hotspot for derby these days. Why do you think that is? Method Mam: Because northerners are

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dead hard from building ships and mining. Joanna Bruisin’: The North East is great for derby ’cause we keep losing at football and it’s up to other sports to take up the mantle.

just these scenarios to train our jammers. Nothing teaches you to break through a wall like trying to get a pint on the Quayside on a bank holiday weekend, believe us.

Brighton will be facing your B-team the Whippin’ Hinnies today. Are there any particular Hinnies players and/or tactics that spectators should keep an eye out for? Fugazi: In terms of players, you may find it difficult to tell us apart. We’re on it like a car bonnet in terms of getting hench, and our fake tan and nails game is also v strong.

We take our roles as ambassadors for the North East very seriously, and look to our Geordie Shore compatriots to make sure that we’re looking (and playing) canny lush at all times. Tactics wise, we tend to deploy these more at the after party. Our skills at getting served quickly are second to none, and we frequently use

Flattrackstats.com expects a Hinnies win today, but by a really tiny margin (a few points, see the box below).

Is that what you’re expecting? Method Mam: It matters not because this is the equivalent of a foreign holiday to us.

Finally, do you have a message for any NRG fans in the crowd today? Pretty Skate Machine: Hi mam! (My mam is coming to watch us play for the first time. I don’t know who’s more nervous, me or her...)

RANKINGS & PREDICTION BRIGHTON A: 67TH IN EUROPE NEWCASTLE B: 61ST IN EUROPE NEWCASTLE 53% CHANCE OF WINNING PREDICTED DIFFERENTIAL OF 49:47 SUGGESTS CIRCA 147-141 AWAY WIN

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THE PRINCES MARINE IS THE #1 ranked hotel in Hove on Trip Advisor. On closer inspection it’s actually the only hotel in Hove, but its bar (£4.75 a pint for London Pride notwithstanding) seems pleasant enough. It’s also suitably close to the King Alfred for a pre-training interview with Bionic Betty. [Irish Mist has come along too and sits at the next table eating strawberries.]

Hi. Congratulations on winning B-Teamer Of The Year in the Turn Left Awards. We hope you’ve superglued the certificate to your front door or something? It was a lovely surprise to have won. I wasn’t expecting it at all. The certificate isn’t quite on my front door, but it is up in my room, and I have the badge that came with it on my skate stuff.

What’s your background in roller derby? You didn’t start out with Brighton, did you? No, I began with the Portsmouth Roller Wenches about two years ago. I was part of their B-team when it started up, played my first game and then broke my leg quite badly. I was off skates for nine months, then when I returned to derby I chose to join this lovely lot at Brighton. It was always a toss-up for me between the Wenches and Rockers, living in Arundel halfway between the two, and after such a horrible injury I needed a new start. I also changed my derby name to Bionic Betty in honour of the metal in my leg; I was called Betty Bloodaxe at Portsmouth.

Does living so far from the rest of the team mean you’re not quite as involved in the social side of the Rockers?

To some extent, but then again it’s quite good to have that separation, to have a separate life away from derby. It’s very easy – when you love the sport and love your teammates – for roller derby to pretty much become your whole life, so it’s quite nice to have that distance to remember that there are other things in life. [“No there aren’t,” interjects Irish Mist.]

Do you have any kind of sporting background apart from derby? I played badminton for Sussex. I’ve always been interested in sport, but had never played any contact sports or stuck with a sport for that long before derby came along. This is the one sport where I think that (as long as I stop breaking legs) I’ll keep playing for a very long time.

What’s your favourite role within a derby squad? It’s

always blocking. I’m usually in the inside or outside lane.

That’s what I love doing. I love switching from offence to defence and I enjoy hitting people! I know other people aspire to being jammers, but my policy is that I’ll only jam when everyone else is dead.

What advice do you have for anyone reading this who might be thinking of taking up derby? You won’t know if you like it until you try it. I put off trying the sport for so long and I really regret that. I wish I’d gone for it a lot earlier.

You’re never going to meet nicer people, you’re never going to have more fun, you’re never going to have more bruises...

Roller derby just grows a really positive attitude in people.

What have been the highlights of your past year or so with the Brighton Rockerbillies? Just playing with these guys is brilliant. The squad are so varied and with such different skills, so there’s always something new you can learn from somebody. There’s a real mixture, with some people who are also on the A-team and others who are still very new.

Everyone gets on really well and it’s such a nice group.

The Rockerbillies’ best open door result to date was a big win at Southampton in September. We understand you know a few of their players from your Portsmouth days.

Was your inside knowledge a factor in the win? No, I think the result that day was really just about us getting more confident in our playing. Southampton have a small roster and rely on guest skaters quite a bit, so for them just playing a public game – their first ever at home – was a really big thing.

For us, we were coming off the back of quite a few heavy defeats earlier in the year, so getting a big win like that (365106) was a real confidence boost. The better we played the more fun we were having,

and the more fun we had the more points we scored.

Moving on to today’s game: Chloe from Hoodlum Gang tells us your hard hitting is something she will look out for. Haha. Yes, I am known for my hits. I love Chloe and I’m actually part of Hoodlum Gang myself. Obviously I’ll be playing for the Rockerbillies in this game, but I will be playing for Hoodlum in other games.

Presumably you know quite a few of their roster then?

Any tips for the rest of the Rockerbillies? I actually don’t know who is going to be playing for Hoodlum today. I’ve purposefully not looked at the roster they submitted, since I don’t want to know too much ahead of the game. I want it to be a surprise. I do know quite a lot of their skaters though, and they’re a great bunch, so it should be a really nice game.

We understand that today is going to be your last game for Brighton? Yes. It’s sad to be leaving the team, but I’m moving to Reading for good life reasons. I already have to travel an hour to training from Arundel. Travelling down from Reading would just be too much unfortunately.

Have you already scoped out a team up there that you are planning to join? There are three teams fairly close by. I have friends in all three and they’ve all messaged me about joining, which is really lovely.

I’m going to check them out and come to a decision.

Will you still come back to watch Brighton play? Oh yes, absolutely. The Rockers have always been one of my favourite teams from before I joined them, so I’ll get down to watch them whenever I can.

I’ve also got my boyfriend into roller derby now – he came to the tournament in Normandy and handled it OK – so I’ll be dragging him along too.

Remember those voting forms in the last issue? We unpacked the stuffed full ballot box and counted them up. You might have already seen the results posted at brightonbrats.com over the New Year. If not then see below. This is who our readers chose as your 2015 Rockers of the Year:

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PLAYER OF THE YEAR

GIN ATOMIC

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JAMMER OF THE YEAR

SKATE BUSH

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BLOCKER OF THE YEAR

HAIRY FAIRY

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B-TEAMER OF THE YEAR

BIONIC BETTY

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ROOKIE OF THE YEAR

SPEEDY GONZALEX

~

ICON OF THE YEAR

SHAMBOLIC

~

OFFICIAL OF THE YEAR

NOISE TANK

~

OTHER OF THE YEAR

MASS JANEYCIDE

~

Certificates and badges have been issued. We also came up with an additional ‘Most Voted For’ award for the person who picked up most votes across all the categories combined. That went to LAB WRATH. Look out for the 2016 voting form towards the end of the year...

L R I G L A I R E T MA G)

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CHLOE HO

M GAN U L D O O H (THE

The founder of today’s B-team opponents talks leagues and leggings.

Hoodlum Gang is the ‘house team’ for the Hoodlum Fang fashion label. Tell us a little about the history of the label. You’re well known for your leggings in particular, aren’t you? Yes, I am referred to as the ‘Leggings Queen’ by a number of people now, haha.

Hoodlum Fang came about while I was studying Fashion at University. I was creating textile designs that I hadn’t seen anywhere else at the time and most of Hoodlum Fang’s original collection were the prints from my graduate collection.

The actual business of making leggings came about because I personally couldn’t find leggings that fit properly when I was doing Fresh Meat with the Portsmouth Roller Wenches, so I decided to make my own. Others asked if I could make them pairs too and it took off from there. Two and a half years later we’re dressing the legs of more than fifteen UK teams.

What encouraged you to set up an exhibition team for people who wear your clothes? This is a women’s game, but you make men’s clothes too – will there be male/co-ed Hoodlum Gang games? We started off by hosting a birthday scrim to mark two years of Hoodlum Fang for our customers, friends and loyal fans back in September last year. After that was such an awesome success a lot of the skaters involved wanted to do more. Unfortunately the venue I hired at the time shut down, so more scrims were out

wearing their bright green and purple leggings and shorts on track. This is to make everyone look like an awesome collective team (and to show what Hoodlum Fang can do teamwear wise for other leagues interested in team leggings).

of the question. So instead I thought about starting a challenge team with all the skaters who came to our scrim. They bought their friends along and we’re up to about fifty official members now. Today’s game is the first for our B-team ladies.

We also have an A-team, a lot of skaters who play co-ed and male skaters too, so we plan to get our fingers into all the pies when it comes to games.

You’ve been to a lot of Brighton Rockers games, having run a stall at loads (and been an advertiser in this fanzine many times), so you must know some of the Rockerbillies? Any particular Brighton players your team will be looking out for? We’ll have a stall this time too, so come up and say Hi! We love the Rockers; they’re an awesome bunch of people.

You’ll actually spot two of the Brighton girls in the latest product shots on the Hoodlum Fang website! Although we will be cheering for the Hoodlum Gang, if we see the Rockerbillies’ Bionic Betty put someone down hard (as we know she does in her HF shorts) we will have to cheer for her ;)

We understand that today is the first public game for a Hoodlum Gang team. Have many of the side played together before? What should we expect? This is literally the first scrim/bout for Hoodlum Gang – that’s why we’re super excited! We have a very mixed bag for this first game, with players from all across the South and some from further north too. There are skaters from Suffolk Roller Derby, Dorset Roller Girls, Southampton City Rollers, Rebellion Roller Derby... the list goes on. Most skaters in this roster haven’t skated in a lot of mixed teams before, so it will be a challenge for us in that sense, but we also have some more experienced players on track. They will be providing great support so that everyone can have fun.

The Hoodlum Gang is affiliated with Hoodlum Fang, and a condition of players taking part is that they purchase the team leggings. So everyone will be

Where next for the label and the team through 2016 and beyond? For Hoodlum Fang, there are lots of teams we are designing and making leggings for at the moment, so by the second half of this year there will be a lot more teams rocking our leggings around. We are also working on some new designs for our collection on our website. We’re hoping for a design that is as successful as our Kraken leggings are.

For the Hoodlum Gang, we are just on the lookout for games really. We’d love to find more games for our men, since it’s difficult for the chaps to get bouting experience with the limited number of men’s and co-ed teams around, so getting more men’s and co-ed games is the next step for us. If anyone reading this wants to get in contact about playing us, shoot an email to hoodlumfang@ gmail.com or check out The Hoodlum Gang Roller Derby page on Facebook.

Turn Left has a spy (Emily) in the current Rockers Fresh Meat. Here’s her report.

taught us a few things. We got really cheeky and asked if we could film ourselves doing hip checks (although I didn’t know the term at the time) on Rose Bleed and she let us. I had a lot of fun at the filming, and that’s really when it first occurred to me that roller derby was something I could do myself, rather than just watch.

You’re part of the current Rockers Fresh Meat intake.

How have you found it? The coaches Hairy Fairy and Kapow are amazing. They’re really thorough; they’re friendly and not scary. They could so easily be scary, as they’re really strong women, but they save their aggression for out on the track. It’s been really good. We’re going through our Minimum Skills tests at the moment, so hopefully it won’t be too long before we can start getting more involved with practice games and so forth.

, RESH F N I T T GE

Y

WITH EMIL

You were the first person on our Facebook to mention the Brighton Rockers (way before BRATS was set up).

When did you first encounter the sport/team? My boss at work knew one of the Brighton players. He arranged for us all to go to a game as a works outing. I just fell in love with the sport then really. There are so many aspects of it that appealed to me; particularly that it’s an all-female sport which is friendly as well as a bit terrifying! It’s also great that you can sit right there in amongst the action. We were sitting right by the tape that first time, which was awesome. Prior to that day I’d never heard of roller derby.

So why did it take you so long (nearly four years) to take up the sport yourself?

I don’t know, to be honest. I haven’t been to as many games as I’d have liked since that first one. What re-sparked my interest was my friend Megan coming up with an idea for a TV show where her and me would try out different hobbies for the first time. Things like pole dancing, live action roleplaying and roller derby. We got in touch with the Rockers about filming a pilot for Latest TV. The team were so accommodating and supportive. We turned up to film their Fresh Meat taster session. Me and Megan put on skates and they

Which elements of Fresh Meat have you personally found the hardest and easiest? Giving hits is really tricky.

Maybe it will be different in a game situation, but in Fresh Meat we’re only allowed to do them travelling at a really slow pace, which means it’s quite hard to get the momentum for a good hit. I’ve found jumping a real challenge too. You have to be able to jump over a six inch object (the equivalent of a downed skater’s leg in a game situation) and that’s been really tough for me. Areas where I think I’ve progressed the most are things like learning how to fall safely and general stamina stuff. I didn’t really skate before, so everything’s been quite new and challenging.

Do you play any other sports?

Has that helped with taking up derby? I’ve done running for years and years, but I’ve found roller skating involves lots of different muscles that I’ve never really used before.

I took up football at the same time I started Fresh Meat and I

K L A T M A E T

think that’s helped in terms of working the inner thighs, quads and so on. Some form of endurance training would probably help as derby is very tiring. Often I’m completely knackered by the end of a session, but it’s all really good fun.

What are your ambitions derby wise? I would love to be playing games in a year at whatever level. I don’t really know what’s achievable.

I know I’ve got a lot to learn, and I could be stronger, but I’m going to really go for it.

The top ranked teams in the UK Roller Derby Association are Glasgow and Edinburgh.

What is it about Scots that makes them good at derby?

It’s a bit of stereotype, but the sort of people who gravitate towards roller derby are often those with an aggressive side to them, and that’s a characteristic that people do ascribe to us Scots. Certainly I can see an element of that in myself.

Have you chosen your derby name yet? I asked for suggestions on Facebook and whittled it down to a few. I think the current favourite, largely because I’m a massive Angela Lansbury fan, is Murder She Rolled. The runners up were Severus Skate and Grenade O’Connor. For a while I was thinking of using Hadrian’s Wall, but then I remembered that I’m tiny.

Final question: We first met you many years ago when putting on a gig by your band. Do you have any plans to get the whole of Bloom into roller skating? You could be the first group to play all your gigs on eight wheels! I’ll need to get them all to a roller disco first to get them used to skates, but that’s a good shout. Wearing skates at gigs? For singers that will be easy enough. Guitarists should be OK. Keyboard players I suppose could use a keytar. I think a drummer might find it a bit challenging, though...

Q. How many Brighton Rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. All of them because they work as a team.

Q. Why did the Hairy Fairy cross the road?

A. Because there was a person, location or service on the other side of interest to her.

Q. What’s black with orange, white and green stripes and goes up and down?

A. Chaka Carnage’s derby helmet in a lift.

Q. What’s the difference between a Tunnock’s teacake and the Brighton Rockers?

A. One is a marshmallow-like chocolate-coated confectionary product, whilst the other is a sports team based in Southern England.

22 DAYS LATER

As if today’s excitement wasn’t more than enough, the mighty Rockers are back in action here at the Dolphin in just three weeks (and a day) time. Sunday 22nd May is the date for a game that is part of this year’s Brighton Fringe Festival. The Rockers’ near neighbours Croydon are providing the opposition. The previous time these two teams met in public (July 2014) Brighton sneaked a 163-151 win. The South Londoners have leapfrogged the Sussex league in the rankings since then, so this one could be a real nailbiter. Tickets are on sale now. We’re working hard to get another issue of Turn Left out for this game, complete with more star interviews and the return of ‘Sussex Derbyverse’ (our look at what other local teams are up to) so be sure to pick up a copy on the day. SEE YOU THERE!

Q. What did the left 187 Pro Derby knee pad say to the right 187 Pro Derby knee pad?

A. Nothing, since knee pads are items of safety clothing, rather than sentient beings capable of speech.

Q. Why are strawberries good at roller derby?

A. Because something something jam.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a LaserHammer walk into a bar.

“I’ll have a pint of Axe Edge, a fruity IPA from Buxton with a refreshing demeanour that belies its strength of 6.8,” says the Englishman.

“The same for me please, since despite clumsy stereotypes I don’t much care for malty dark beers such as Guinness,” says the Irishman.

“Just a lime and soda thanks, as I’m refereeing a roller derby game later today and need to remain fully compos mentis to efficiently perform all of my duties as pursuant to articles 8.2.1 through 8.2.10 of the current WFTDA ruleset,” says the LaserHammer.

MORE HILARIOUS FROM DOCTER DERBY NEXT TIME (OR PROBABLY NOT, TBH)

ANYTHING ONCE

Have you read our interview with BRATS member and current Rockers Fresh Meat Emily? Why not check out the film of her taster session at tinyurl.com/brrdfm and look out for her band Bloom playing a venue near you soon (probably not on skates).

SUPPORT TURN LEFT

Want to advertise your business, service or self to the UK’s most pretty and wise magazine readership? Drop a line to brightonbrats@ yahoo.co.uk if so. Is super cheap.

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SEVEERNS

LETMTIST (BRRD)

IRISH (NRG) I Z A G U F &

What other derby names did you consider before settling on the one you chose? Irish Mist (Brighton): I lucked out and picked my name pretty much straight off. I’m not sure if that makes me super smart or super lazy! But it helps that it’s a longtime nickname mixed in with a terrible pun. Fugazi (Newcastle): Minfig, which is the technical term for a Lego person. I considered this because of my small, grasping hands, but rejected it as I thought it was best not to advertise my tendency to bolster

my teammates by the neck.

Also, I was worried that people would think I was a small fig, which I am not.

What other sport would you really like to see played on skates and why? I want to see curling on quads. You could get special ice chains/pins for your wheels. Or don’t and just slide about everywhere, bringing some danger to the game!

Snooker. The addition of skates would speed it up a bit, plus add some peril in case they fell over and impaled themselves on their snooker sticks. (I think they might be called cues, but that is immaterial.)

If you were a WWE wrestler, what would your special move consist of (and what would it be called)? It would be the same as my Super Special Derby Move, the ‘Static Drop’. From out of nowhere… Bam! We’re flat out on the floor! Obvs in this situation I’d be on top pinning you ;) My special move would probably involve crying, running away and hiding. They can’t knock me out if they can’t find me, right? I think it would be called ‘The Snot Burrow’.

If you could swap hairstyles with a teammate for a day who would you swap with and why? Chloe Colossus. I want the fun of rocking the multi-coloured mullet but work would never let me keep it :( This is hard as having fabulous hair is a prerequisite for the Hinnies. What I’d actually like is to have everyone’s head in a cabinet, like evil Princess Mombi in Return to Oz. Then I could choose a different hairstyle (and head) every day. This might be inconvenient for the rest of the team, but (much like life) this is all about me.

Have you given names to your skates? If so what are they called? If not please name them now. I haven’t, which is odd as I anthropomorphise everything! I wish that I

could come up with some really cool names but Pinky and Perky immediately popped into my head and now I can’t get them out. But I’m not admitting to which one is which. I haven’t and now I feel bad. I think I’ve always considered them as one entity, so I feel doubly bad that up until this point I’ve been denying their individuality. I’ll call them Paul and Barry (after the Chuckle Brothers, obviously) but this is only temporary.

I don’t think it would be right to permanently name them until I’ve spent some quality one-on-one time with each of them, and I understand more about their unique personalities, hopes and dreams.

Which teammate would you be happiest to be stranded on a desert island with and why? Skate Bush. It’s all about Team Kylie. We’ll have a shelter up in no time and be chilling on the beach, with dinner on the BBQ and cocktails from the coconut still! My default setting is misery, so I don’t think it would be right to say I’d be happy if I was stranded on a desert island. Does it have WiFi? I think Nikki Splat would be best at coping with me. She won’t take any of my sulky nonsense, and would have no compunction about killing me for food almost immediately. To be honest, that would be the best outcome for all involved.

Which would be best (and worst) at roller derby out of a kangaroo, a panda and an ostrich? The best would be the ostrich with its lovely long legs to sprint around the track, plus no chance of ever getting forearm/elbow penalties.

Worst would be the kangaroo; that tail is just a permanent low block and they are notorious for boxing! I think that a kangaroo would be best at jamming, because apex jumps and a built-in star-stash pocket. I think an ostrich would be worst because they have really small heads, so it would be difficult to get a helmet to fit.