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COLLEGE ESSAYS THAT MADE A DIFFERENCE Bv THE STAFF OFTHE PRINCETON REVIEW

FIFTH EDITION

Random House, Inc. New York

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CONTENTS I ntroduction

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T h e Pa rts ofTh i s Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . x E d itor's N ote . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . x i i Pa rt 1 : Essay Fu ndamentals . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

G ra m m a r a n d Fo rm . . . . . . .

....

......... ............. . .................. ....... ....................... 2 .

.. .

W h at C o l l eg e s Wa nt to See i n Yo u r Essay: Writi n g A b i l ity a n d I n s i g ht i nto Who You Are . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . ..

To p i cs T h at Wo rk, To p i cs T h at Do n't . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 .

So How M u ch Does t h e Essay C o u nt, Anyway? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 .

Pa rt 2: Q&A with Ad m issions Officers

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S u bj ect M atter a nd Writ i n g . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 1 .

I n s i d e t h e Ad m i ss i o n s Office . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

T h e Essay's I nfl u e nce . . .

...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 ..

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37 .

G e n e r a l Ap p l icati o n Quest i o n s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 ..

Pa rt 3: The Applica nts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Pa rt 4: Where They Got ln . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . 31 5 Appendix: They're, Their, a n d There: G ra mmar a n d Writ i n g Tips . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . 341

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INTRODUCTION Why did we produce this book? Fo r a co u p l e of rea s o n s . Fi rst, we wa nted to p rovide a l ittl e i n s p i rati o n to stu d ents sweat i n g ove r t h e i r a p p l icati o n essays t o h i g h ly s e l ective co l 足 l eges. Too m a ny freaked-out h i g h sch o o l e rs with o u tsta n d i n g a c a d e m i c a n d com m u n ity-se rvice reco rds, envia b l e SAT a n d ACT sco res, a n d i m p ressive s p o rts ach i eve m e nts h ave co m p l a i ned t h at t h ey d o n't know w h at to w rite a bo u t or w h e re to sta rt. H o pefu l ly, t h i s b o o k wi l l s h ow t h at t h e re a re a m i l l i o n d iffe rent ways t o a p p ro a ch t h e essay a n d that if a stu d e nt reflects o n what's m ost i m porta nt, h e o r s h e wi l l i n d eed h ave s o m eth i n g to write a bout. O u r evi d e nce i s e n c l osed h e rewit h : actu a l essays t h at g ot l i v i n g , b reath i n g h i g h sch o o l stu d e nts - ki d s with c r u s h e s a n d a c n e a n d b i g feet - i nto t h e co l l eg e s o f th e i r d re a m s . Th ese stu d e nts wrote a bo u t scores of t h i ngs, fro m t h e i r l ove of h o rses t o t h e s h ortco m i n g s of b e i n g s h o rt t o t h e i m p o rta n ce of perso n a l hyg i e n e . T h e re a re s a d tales fu l l of trag edy, h o mesickn ess, a n d c i v i l wa r, as we l l as fu n ny sto ries i nvolvi n g p u be rty, p u b l i c e m ba rrassme nt, a n d i nfo m e rci a l s . T h e re a re sto ries of ach i evement a n d of fa i l u re, of l ove a n d death, of re l ati o n s h i ps with God, a n d of s p i ritu a l ity. Like m ost co l l ectio n s of p rose featu r i n g m a ny d i ffi rent a u t h o rs, t h e p i eces in t h i s book d i s p l ay a ra n g e of creati vity a n d s o p h i sticati o n with the written wo rd . Some essays a re so g ood they m a y i nti m i date yo u ; oth e rs m i g ht m a ke you say to you rse lf, " H ey, I co u l d write s o m eth i n g l i ke th at:' Oth ers a re so stra n g e and u n expected you may wo n d e r how o n earth some of t h e m o st d i scri m i nati n g co l l eges i n t h e cou ntry accepted i nto t h e i r fres h m a n c l a sses the peo p l e who wrote t h e m . W h i ch b r i n g s us to the seco n d rea s o n we p ro足 d u ced t h i s book: to g ive yo u a bette r u n d e rsta n d i n g of the reg u l a rities a n d i rreg u l a rities o f s e l ective co l l eg e a d m i s s i o n s . A l o n g with each essay i n t h e b o o k , you wi l l fi n d the h i g h sch ool G PA; extracu rricu l a r activities; h o m etown; race; a n d SAT, SAT S u bject Test( s), and ACT scores, w h e re a p p l ica b l e, of t h e stu de n t who w rote it- a l l criteria com petitive sch o o l s may co n s i d e r i n t h e i r a d m i s s i o n s deci s i o ns. I n a d d ition, we p rovi d e t h e co l l ege o r u n i vers ity w h e re each stu d e nt e n ro l l ed a n d t h e i r expected o r actu a l yea r of g ra d u at i o n . S u re, you can fi n d ave rage SAT sco res a n d G PAs of l a st yea r 's fres h m a n c l a ss i n m o st co l l e g e g u i d es, b u t what yo u ' l l fi n d h e re a re t h e p rofi l e s o f i n d i v i d u a l

vii

a p p l ica nts w h o a re cu rre ntly e n ro l l ed at, o r h ave g ra d u ated fro m , t h e m ost s e l ective u n d e rg ra d u ate sch o o l s i n t h e nati o n . To top it off, we've a l so i n c l u ded i ntervi ews with a d m i ss i o n s officers at th i rteen ste l l a r sch o o l s to help s h e d a l ittl e l i g h t o n what h a p p e n s on t h e oth e r s i d e of t h e a d m i ss i o n s fe nce.

How can this book help you? We do n't co m m e nt on i n divi d u a l essays, a p p l icants, o r a d m issions resu lts;

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we s i m ply p resent the i nfo rmati o n to yo u . Afte r co n s i d e r i n g the i nfo rmati o n fo r the a p p l i c a nts w h o e n ro l l e d at a g i ven co l l e g e (fo r m o st co l l eges i n t h e b o o k w e p rofi l e m o re t h a n o n e su ccessfu l a p p l ica nt - see p . x i ) , yo u ' l l sta rt to g et an i d e a of what you need - i n te r m s of a ca d e m i c co m petitiveness, essay q u a l ity, extracu rricu l a r activities, etc. - to be a d m itted t h e re. Wh at's m o re, we p rovi d e a l i st of t h e oth e r sch o o l s to wh ich each stu dent p rofi l e d i n the book a p p l ied and the u lti m ate resu lts of th ose a p p l icat i o n s . By stu d y i n g th ese re足 s u lts, you ca n sta rt to g a u g e what yo u r own s u ccess rate wi l l be at the va r i o u s mega-sel ective co l l eges i n A m e r i c a . E v e n if you d o n o t p l a n to a p p l y t o t h e s a m e sch o o l s a s t h e stu d e nts i n c l u d e d i n t h i s b o o k , the q u a l ity o f t h e essays a n d t h e stre ngth of the stu d e nts' ove ra l l a p p l icati o n s ca n be u sed to m e a s u re yo u r own writi ng a n d credenti a l s . I d e a l ly, these essays wi l l i n s p i re y o u , s u p p l y y o u with p a ra d i g m s fo r n a rra足 tive and o rg a n izati o n a l structu res, teach you ways to express you rselfyou h a d n't yet co n s i d e red, and h e l p you write exactly what you wish to com m u n i cate. Th i s book s h o u l d a l so h e l p prepa re yo u to encou nter both success a n d fa i l u re with yo u r co l l e g e a p p l icati o n s . Yo u 're g o i n g t o b e a b i t p e r p l exed w h e n H a rva rd accepts, Col u m b i a wa itl i sts, a n d Sta nford rej ects a stu d e nt i n t h e b o o k . A s yo u ' l l s e e , eve n wu n d e rki n d e r - we've p rofi led p l e nty of t h e m - g et d e n i ed a d m i s s i o n to to p-fl i g ht sch o o l s . I n fa ct, very few of t h e stu d e nts yo u wi l l encou nte r i n t h i s book g ot i nto eve ry c o l l e g e to w h i ch t h ey a p p l i e d . So w h at s h o u l d this mean to yo u ? It m e a n s that fa i l u re i s a p a rt of l ife, eve n w h e n y o u 've b u sted yo u r h u m p work i n g o n wh ateve r it w a s t h at u lt i m ately fa i l e d . But even if y o u do g et a rej ect i o n l ette r, the re's n o rea s o n t o feel co m p l etely be reft: A few fat enve l o pes a re proba b l y fi n d i n g t h e i r ways to yo u .

Why'd they do it? Why would stu d e nts a l l ow u s to p u b l i s h t h e i r essays, test sco res, g ra d es, a n d perso n a l bi o g ra p h i c a l i nfo rmatio n ? They rea l ize the va l u e th e i r sto ries

viii

College Essays That Made a Difference

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h ave fo r prospective co l l e g e stu d e nts. Afte r a l l , su ccessfu l ly n a v i g ati n g t h e p rocess of sel ective co l l e g e a d m i s s i o n s i s n o s m a l l feat. M a ny s a i d they were h o n o red to h ave been ch osen fo r p u b l ication and to h ave been g i ven t h e ch a nce t o h e l p t h e next g e n e ration of a p p l ica nts.

Which students did we accept submissions from, and why? We o n ly accepted s u b m i s s i o n s fro m cu rrent stu d e nts at, o r recent g ra d u 足 ates of, co l l eges a n d u n iversities t h at rece ived very h i g h sel ectiv ity rati n g s i n o u r fl a g s h i p book, The Best 377 Colleges. Stude nts a n d a l u m n i o f t h e fo l l ow i n g sch o o l s a p pea r i n the book:

M i d d l e b u ry Co l l eg e

Am h e rst Co l l eg e

N ew Co l l eg e of F l o ri d a

B a rd C o l l e g e

N ew Yo r k U n ive rs ity

B a r n a rd Co l l eg e

N o rt hweste rn U n iversity

B ra n d e i s U n i vers ity

Po m o n a C o l l e g e

B rown U n i ve rs ity

Pri n ceto n U n i vers ity

B ryn M awr Co l l eg e

Reed Co l l eg e

C a l ifo r n i a I nstitute ofTech n o l ogy

R i ce U n ivers ity

C a r l eton Co l l eg e

S m ith Co l l eg e

C l a re m o nt M c Ke n n a Co l l eg e

Sta nfo rd U n ivers ity

Col u m b i a U n i ve r sity

Swa rth m o re Co l l eg e

T h e Cooper U n i o n fo r t h e

Tufts U n ivers ity

Adva nce m e nt of Sci e n ce a n d A rt C o rn e l l U n i ve rs ity Da rtmouth Co l l eg e

U n i vers ity of Ca l ifo r n i a Los A n g e l e s U n i vers ity of C a l ifo rn i a - Sa n D i e g o

Davidson Co l l eg e

U n i versity of N otre Da m e

D u ke U n ivers ity

U n i vers ity o f Pe n n sylva n i a

E m erson Co l l eg e

Wa s h i ngton & Lee U n ivers ity

Fra n k l i n W . O l i n C o l l eg e o f

Wa s h i ngton U n i ve r sity in St. Lo u i s

E n g i nee r i n g G e o r g etown U n i ve rsity

We l l es l ey Co l l eg e Wes l eya n U n i ve rs ity

H a m i lton Co l l eg e

W h i tm a n Co l l eg e

H a rva rd Co l l eg e

Williams College

Ke nyo n Co l l eg e

Ya l e U n ivers ity

M a ssach u setts I n stitute of Tech n o l ogy

Introduction

I n l i m iti n g s u b m issi o n s to stu d e nts who g a i ned a d m i s s i o n to t h e n ati o n 's m ost sel ective co l l eges a n d u n iversities, we h o p e to g i ve you a n i d e a of t h e h i g hest sta n d a rds you may encou nte r i n u n d e rg ra d u ate a d m i ss i o n s . We re足 ceived m a ny m o re res p o n ses t h a n we were a b l e to p u b l i s h , a n d , in sel ecti n g stu d e nts to p rofi l e i n t h i s book, o u r g o a l w a s to assem b l e t h e best- poss i b l e c ross-sect i o n o f t o p a p p l ica nts - a g ro u p o f stu d e nts w h o were acce pted to d iffe re nt sch o o l s, s u b m itted h i g h -q u a l ity essays on a ra n g e of t h e m es, a n d

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h a d va ried acade m i c a n d extracu rricu l a r acco m p l i s h m ents. We d i d n ot a i m

t o p rod u ce l i ne-by- l i n e i n struct i o n s o f what t o d o a n d w h at n ot t o d o i n yo u r a p p l icat i o n to a g i ven sch o o l . Rath e r, we wished s i m ply to s h o w you h ow rea l stu d e nts fa red i n t h e a d m i ss i o n s j u n g l e .

THE PARTS OF THIS BOOK Essay Fundamentals To e m p h a s ize t h e r o l e t h at g ra m m a r pl ays i n essay exce l l e n ce, we com足 posed a revi ew of t h e essenti a l s . T h e essay's i m p o rt a n ce in a n a p p l icati o n i s a l so d i scu ssed .

Q&A with Admissions Officers We i ntervi ewed a d m i ss i o n s fo l ks at sch o o l s t h at rece ived h i g h s e l ectivity rati n g s in The Best 377 Colleges. We d i scussed t h e essay, t h e a p p l i cati o n a s a w h o l e , a n d t h e specifics o f h o w t h e a d m i s s i o n s s h i p i s ru n at each a d m i n is足 t rato r's sch o o l . The i r respon ses wi l l g ive yo u i n s i g ht i nto w h at h a p p e n s afte r yo u r a p p l icati o n is s i g n e d , sea l e d , a n d d e l ive red .

College Essays That Made a Difference

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The Applicants E a ch stu d e nt p rofi l e is b roken d own i nto m a n a g e a b l e ch u n ks . The n a m e o f t h e stu d en t a n d a p h otog ra ph ( if h e o r s h e p rovi d e d o n e ) co m e fi rst. We t h e n offe r a s h o rt p a ra g ra p h s u m m a ri z i n g the m a j o r a cco m p l i s h m ents a n d a cti vities t h e stu d e nt h i g h l i g hted o n h i s o r h e r a p p l icati o n . N ext, w e p rov i d e t h e stu d e nt's statistica l record - test scores, h i g h sch o o l G PA1, h i g h sch o o l atte n d ed - a n d d e m o g ra p h i c i nfo rmati o n - h o m etown, g e n d e r, race. We t h e n l i st t h e sch o o l ( s ) that t h e stu d e nt a p p l ied to. Fi n a l ly, you wi l l see a n actu a l es足 say t h at the stu d e nt wrote a n d s u b m itted with h i s or h e r a p p l icati o n s . Am o n g t h e essays, n ot eve ry se nte nce i s e l o q u e nt, n o r eve ry co m m a pe rfectl y p l aced . H oweve r, th ese a re the essays as t h ey were s u b m itted , rea d, a n d u lti m ately accepted. We th i n k t h ey're a l l so l i d . S o m e a re exce l l e nt. M o re i m po rtantly, t h ey a l l pa ssed t h e u lti mate test fo r co l l e g e a p p l icati o n sou nd ness: Th e i r a u t h o rs g a i ned acce pta nce i nto at l ea st o n e of t h e top sch o o l s to w h i ch t h ey a p p l i e d . I n a few cases, w e pri nted m o re t h a n o n e essay written b y a g i ven stu d e nt; Pri n ceto n's a p p l icati o n , fo r exa m p l e , req u i res fo u r s h o rt essays, so we i nc l u d e d t h e co m p l ete set. We did n ot g ro u p the a p p l ica nts acco rd i n g to the q u a l ity of t h e i r essays, o r acco rd i n g to the sch o o l s at wh ich t h ey eve ntu a l ly matricu l ated; you wi l l fi n d t h e m i n a l p h a betica l o rd e r by fi rst n a m e . T h e l ocat i o n o f t h e pa g e l i sti n g each a p p l ica nt's a d m i ss i o n s decisi o n ( s ) c a n be fo u n d at t h e e n d of h i s o r h e r p rofi l e . W h i l e y o u rea d , y o u may want t o c o n s u lt t h e sch o o l p rofi l es, e i t h e r i n The

Best 377 Colleges or o n o u r we bsite, Pri nceto n Revi ew.co m . I n each sch o o l p rofi l e , you wi l l fi nd i nfo rmation a bo u t stu d e nts w h o a p p l ied i n the m o st recent aca d e m i c yea r, i n c l u d i n g ave rage SAT a n d ACT scores, t h e ove ra l l n u m be r of a p p l i c a nts, a n d t h e y i e l d (the percenta g e of stu d e nts accepted who e n ro l l e d ) . We a l so b rea k down the a p p l icati o n e l e m e nts i nto h i e ra rch i 足 ca l categ o r i e s - wh ich co m p o n ents of t h e a p p l i cati o n each sch o o l co n s i d e rs very i m porta nt fa cto rs, i m porta nt facto rs, a nd oth e r facto rs; yo u ' l l see w h i ch of these categ o ries t h e essay fa l l s i nto fo r each co l l eg e .

W e indicate the scale a student's high school GPA i s o n i f the student has informed u s that it is not on the 4.00 scale. If they have informed us that their GPA is weighted, we also indicate that.

The Parts ofThis Book

Where They Got In Th i s is a n i n d ex of t h e a d m i ss i o n s decisi o n s each stu d e nt rece ived . Try put足 t i n g yo u rself in t h e positi o n of the a d m i s s i o n s offi ce r; i n some cases, you may be su rpri sed by the a d m i s s i o n s staff's decisi o n . T h i s i n dex i s a l so a l p h a betized

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by the stu d e nts' fi rst n a m es .

XII

EDITOR'S NOTE Thou g h it g oes without sayi ng, don 't p l a g i a rize the essays i n t h i s book. Yo u r res ponse m u st be i n yo u r own words. We e n co u ra g e you to note words, stru ctu res, and t h e m e s t h at you rea l l y l i ke, but d o n ot co py p h rases, w h o l e se ntences, o r p a ra g ra p h s . If you 're ca u g ht p l a g i a ri z i n g , you wo n't g et i nto c o l 足 l e g e a t a l l . It's j u st wro n g .

College Essays That Made a Difference

GRAMMAR AND FORM You s h o u l d strive to m a ke yo u r co l l ege a p p l icati o n c l e a r, concise, ca n d i d , str u ctu ra l ly so u n d, a n d 1 0 0 percent g ra m m atica l ly accu rate. C l a rity and concise n ess a re a ch i eved th ro u g h a l ot of rea d i n g , rerea d i n g , a n d rewriti n g . Without q u esti o n , repeated critica l rev i s i o n b y y o u a n d b y oth 足

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e rs is t h e s u rest way to t ri m , tu ne, a n d i m p rove yo u r p rose. As ca n d o r c a n not be i m p ressed afte r t h e fact, yo u r writi n g s h o u l d be s i ncere from the outset. Let's be fra n k: Yo u 're proba b ly p retty s m a rt. You ca n p r o b a b l y fa ke ca n d o r if a bsol utely n ecessa ry, but do n't. Fo r o n e t h i n g , it i nvolves a l ot m o re work. M o reove r, no m atte r how good you r i n s i nce re essay m a y be, we're confi dent t h at t h e h o n est a n d a u t h e ntic o n e you write wi l l be even bette r. Struct u r a l so u n d n ess is t h e p ro d u ct of a we l l -crafted outl i n e . S ketch out t h e g e n e r a l t h e m es o f yo u r essay fi rst; wo rry a bo u t fi l l i n g i n t h e pa rticu l a rs l ater. M a ny peo p l e l i ke to sta rt by putt i n g i d e a s o nto p a p e r i n t h e fo rm of " bu b b l e outl i n e s " - t h ey' l l write d o w n t h e n a m e s o f t h i n g s that th ey're pass i o n ate o r k n ow a l ot a bo ut, c i rc l e t h e ones t h at t h ey rea l ly th i n k desc r i b e w h o t h ey a re, and then co n n ect with l i nes ideas t h at co m p l e m ent o n e a n oth e r. Oth e rs, l i ke m ovie d i rector Pa u l T h o m a s Anderson, sta rt writi n g l i sts of t h i ngs that they l i ke o r h ave d o n e - l i sts and l i sts and l i sts - u nt i l an ove ra l l theme sta rts to take s h a pe . I f you g o a bo u t it t h i s way, you ' l l h ave the d eta i l s of yo u r essay written d own even befo re you d e c i d e what yo u r t h e m e wi l l be. The idea i s to get th i n k i n g , g et yo u r t h o u g hts o nto p a p e r, a n d t h e n sett l e d own to attack t h e task o f b u i l d i n g a fo r m a l out l i n e . P a y cl ose atte nti o n t o t h e str u ctu re of yo u r essay a n d to t h e fu n d a m e nta l m essa g e i t com m u n i cates. M a ke su re you h ave a thesis state m e nt a n d a we l l -co nceived n a rrative. Yo u r essay s h o u l d flow fro m beg i n n i n g to end. U s e pa ra g ra p h s properly and m a ke s u re they a re i n l o g i cal o rd e r. T h e sentences with i n each pa ra g ra p h s h o u l d b e co m p l ete a n d a l so flow i n l o g i c a l o rd e r. G ra m matica l accu racy is key. A t h o u g htfu l essay t h at offe rs true i n s i g ht wi l l u n d o u bted ly sta n d o ut, but if it is r i d d l ed with poor g ra m m a r a n d m i s足 s p e l led words, it wi l l not rece ive s e r i o u s co n s i d e rati o n . It is critical that you

a void grammatical errors. We can't stress t h i s e n o u g h . M i sspe l l i n g s, awkwa rd construct i o n s , ru n-on se nte n ces, a n d m i s p l aced m o d ifi e rs cast d o u bt on yo u r effo rts. Ad m i s s i o n s offi cers wi l l q u esti o n t h e a m o u nt of ca re you put i nto t h e essay's com positio n . Fo r m o re i nfo r m a t i o n , see t h e Appe n d i x o n pa g e 3 3 5 .

College Essays That Made a Difference

GRAMMATICAL CATEGORY

BAD GRAMMAR

WHAT'S THE RULE?

GOOD GRAMMAR

1. Eaten in Mediterranean

northern Europeans viewed MISPLACED MODIFIER

A word or phrase that describes

the tomato with suspicion.

something should go right next

2. A former greenskeeper

to the thing it modifies.

now about to become the

2. I was a former greens-

up in my eyes as I hit my last miraculous shot.

I. Though brokers are not

known. The golden retriever is one

A pronoun must refer

of the smartest breeds of dogs,

unambiguously to a noun, and it

but they often have trouble writing essays for college

with that noun.

admission.

illegal sources.

don't forget what the subject of

AGREEMENT

a sentence is, and don't use the object of a preposition as the subject.

PARALLEL CONSTRUCTION

Unfortunately, both

candidates for whom I worked sabotaged their own campaigns by taking contributions from illegal sources.

I. Each of the men involved in

the extensive renovations was

engineers.

an engineer.

2. Federally imposed

Federally imposed

restrictions on the ability to use

certain information has made

certain information have made

life difficult for Martha Stewart.

1. The two main goals of the

I. The two main goals of the

Eisenhower presidency were a

Eisenhower presidency were to

Two or more ideas in a single

reduction of taxes and to

reduce taxes and to increase

sentence that are parallel need

increase military strength.

military strength.

to be similar in grammatical

form.

skills necessary for survival in

modern life is like

guaranteeing their success.

To provide a child with the

are more stringent than spoken

You can only compare like things.

2. The considerations that led

many colleges to impose

quotas imposed in the recent past by large businesses.

which the subject performs the action.

2. After months were spent

justdillpickles.com afloat single-

chosen by me.

spoken English. 2. The considerations that led

many colleges to impose few decades are similar to

those that led large businesses to impose quotas in the recent

I. The bat hit the ball. 2. After I spent months trying

trying to keep handedly, resignation was

I. The rules of written English

are more stringent than those of

past.

1. The ball was hit by the bat.

Choose the active voice, in

2. Providing children with the

admissions quotas in the last

admissions quotas in the last few decades are similar to the

ACTIVE VOICE

2. The golden retriever is one

of the smartest breeds of dogs,

I. Each of the men involved in

English.

PASSIVE/

widely known.

the extensive renovations were

I. The rules of written English

COMPARISONS

access codes, the codes are

Unfortunately, both

sabotaged their own campaigns

SUBJECTNERB

permitted to know executive

an essay for college admission.

by taking a contribution from

with the verb. Make sure you

tears welled up in my eyes as I

but it often has trouble writing

candidates for whom I worked

The subject must always agree

become the Masters champion;

I. Though brokers are not

access codes, they are widely

must agree (singular or plural)

keeper who was now about to

hit my last miraculous shot.

permitted to know executive

PRONOUNS

tomato was viewed with suspicion by northern Europeans.

Masters champion, tears welled

Eaten in Mediterranean

countries for centuries, the

countries for centuries,

to keep justdillpickles.com afloat single-handedly, I chose

to resign.

Essay Fundamentals

Things to Remember Good writi n g is writi n g that is easi ly u n d e rstood.You wa nt to g et yo u r poi nt a cross, n ot b u ry it in words. Don't ta l k in c i rc l es . Yo u r p rose s h o u l d be c l e a r a n d d i rect. If a n a d m i s s i o n s offi cer h a s to stru g g l e t o fi g u re o u t w h a t y o u a re t ry i n g to say, you 're i n tro u b l e . Get t o t h e point i n th ree p a g e s . D o n ' t be l o n g -wi nded a n d b o ri n g . Ad m i s足

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s i o n s offi cers do n't l i ke l o n g essays. Wo u l d yo u , if you were i n thei r s h o e s ? Be b r i ef. Be focu sed . If t h e re i s a wo rd l i m it, a b i d e b y i t . Buy a n d read The Elements of Style, b y Wi l l i a m Stru n k J r. , E . B . Wh ite, a n d Roger Ang e l l . W e can't reco m m e n d t h i s h i g h l y e n o u g h . It i s a g reat i nvest m e nt fo r a ny u n d e r g r a d . A l m ost eve ry co l l ege req u i res its stu d e nts to co m p l ete a cou rse o r two i n com posit i o n , eve n stu d e nts w h o m a j o r i n su bjects t h at a re n ot writi n g - i nte nsive, l i ke ch e m i st ry. If you e n ro l l i n a m aj o r t h a t i nvo l ves a l ot of writi n g , The Elements of Style wi l l beco m e yo u r best fri e n d . If you decide o n a p rofes s i o n that req u i res you to put pen to p a p e r o n a d a i ly basis, you wi l l refe r to it fo reve r. Proofrea d yo u r essay from beg i n n i n g to e n d , p roofread it a g a i n , a n d t h e n p roofrea d it s ome m o re. R e a d it a l o u d . Keep i n m i n d , t h e m o re t i m e y o u spend w i t h a p i ece of yo u r o w n writ i n g , the l ess l i ke l y you a re t o spot e rrors. Ask fri e n d s , teach e rs, si b l i n g s - so m e body oth e r than you rse l f - to read yo u r essay a n d co m m ent o n it. Ask t h e m i f i t refl ects yo u r p e rso n a l ity a n d te l l s a co h e rent sto ry. If it doesn't, work o n it m o re . Do n ot g et content i d e a s fro m t h e m . T h e n , h ave a n E n g l i s h teach e r or a n oth e r stick l e r fo r g ra m m a r read it to m a k e s u re y o u r essay is c l ea r, conci se, ca n d i d , structu ra l ly s o u n d , a n d 1 0 0 pe rcent g ra m m atica l ly accu rate.

WHAT COL LEGES WAN T TOSEE IN YOUR ESSAY: WRITING ABILIT Y AND INSIGH T INTO WHOYOU ARE The a d m i ss i o n s offi cers rea d i n g yo u r essay wa nt it to s h ow t h at you c a n write at t h e co l l ege l eve l . T h i s m e a n s yo u h ave co m m a n d of t h e E n g l i s h l a n 足 g u a ge a n d ca n u se i t t o craft a cogent written state m e nt. T h ey a re not i nte rested in yo u r voca b u l a ry ski l l s, so g i ve the thesa u ru s to M o m a n d h ave h e r h i d e it.

College Essays That Made a Difference

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Q&A WITH ADM I SS IONS OFFICERS

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SUBJECT MATTER AND WRITING Which themes continually appear in essays? A m herst: We g i ve fo u r o r five d iffe rent o ptio n s . I l o o k fo r a n expe r i e n ce o r

i nteracti o n t h at t h ey h ave h a d that l ed t h e m t o a p a rticu l a r va l u e o r i nterac足 t i o n , a reflect i o n . Becker: W h y stu d e nts a re a p p l y i n g t o o u r co l l ege, w h y they chose t h e i r m a j o r,

i m p o rt a nt events fro m h i g h sch o o l (ath l etics, d e b ates, favorite c l a sses), why t h ey feel that t h e i r g ra d e s d o n ot accu rate ly reflect t h e i r a b i l ity. Cooper U n i o n : H u m a n r i g hts/civi l l i b e rt i es, vo l u ntee r i s m , a n d , m o st rece ntly,

i nvo lve m e nt i n t h e M i d d l e E a st. E m o ry: S e rvice tri ps, cu rrent events, ove rco m i n g o bsta c l es . Ford h a m : C o m m u n ity s e rvice, s p o rt s i nj u ries a n d/o r overco m i n g t h e m , l oss

of rel atives, i nfl u e n ce of pa rents o n t h e i r l i ves. H a n over: Fa m i ly m e m bers who i n s p i re m e . H a rvey M u d d : S i nce o u rs i s a sch o o l fo r m at h , scie nce, a n d e n g i n e e ri n g , w e

see a l ot o f essays a bout h ow stu d e nts' e nth u s i a s m fo r d i scove ry bega n . P u rd u e : C o n s i stently stu d e nts write a bo u t s p o rts a n d , m o re co m m o n ly, a bout

ove rco m i n g a sports i nj u ry. We a l so see m a ny essays a bo u t i m porta nt or i nfl u e nti a l peo p l e in t h e stu d e nt's l ife; ofte n , t h at person i s a g ra n d p a re nt. UNC: We p rovi d e p ro m pts fo r ou r a p p l ica nts t h at we hope encou rage t h e m

to th i n k d e e p l y o n a va r i ety o f topics. A p p roaches a n d t h e m e s m a y va ry b u t d o often i nvolve fa m i ly expe riences a n d sch o o l activities. I read too m a ny repetitive essays a bo u t h ow someone ( m oth e r, fat h e r, s i ste r, etc . ) is i nfl u e nti a l i n t h e stu d e nt's l ife, a n d n ot e n o u g h i nfo rm ati o n a n d i n s i g ht a bo u t t h e stu d en t per se. I a l so a m a p p a l l e d a bout h ow m a ny stu d e nts write a bo u t th e i r wea kn esses ( e . g . , i l l e g a l activity, p e rso n a l ity o r i nte l l ectu a l d efi足 c i e n c i es) i n stead of th e i r stre ngths. UVA: I a m not s u re that theme is t h e co rrect term to descri be t h e types of es足

says we often g et. Th e re a re, acco rd i n g to the R u ss i a n Fo r m a l i sts, o n l y n i n e p l ots ava i l a b l e , so essays tend t o fa l l i nto these fo r m s . T h e m o st co m m o n of th ese wo u l d be the matu rati o n pl ot, a l so k n own a s the b i l d u n g s ro m a n . I n t h i s

Q&A with A dmissions Officers

Wag ner: I l ove to see w h e n a stu d en t h a s rea l l y put tho u g ht i nto thei r essay

( a n d trust m e , it s h ows ) . I s it h o n est? Is it yo u ? Wake Forest: C l e a r, d esc r i ptive, bea utifu I writi n g . T h o u g htfu I essays that reve a I

a creative, serious, a n d e n g a g ed stu d e nt.

What topics are risky? And when, if ever, is risk-taking a good idea?

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Cooper U n i o n : M i stakes m a d e ( even o n e s t h at h a d l e g a l repercuss i o n s ) a n d

w h at h a s b e e n l e a r n e d fro m t h e m . W h i l e th i s t o p i c i s ris ky, I wo u l d p refe r to know t h e truth a bout an i n d i vi d u a l , h i s or h e r fa i l u res, a n d h ow he or s h e h a s s u bseq u e ntly g rown . Oth e r risky to p i cs i n c l u d e : a bo rt i o n , p o l itics, a n d affi r m a 足 t i v e acti o n . S o m e a d m i s s i o n s co u n s e l o rs wi l l u n d o u bted ly co m p a re t h e i r own i d e a l s to the stu d e nt's a n d m ay n ot be a s o bj ective a s oth e rs . Deep Spri n g s : It's ri sky to u s e a n o n -essay fo r m at ( e . g . , a co l l ecti o n o f p o e m s ) .

It h a d bette r be very g o o d . Anyt h i n g t h at u s e s tricks to avo i d t h i n k i n g th ro u g h t h i ngs i n a str u ctu red, r i g o ro u s , a n d i nte resti n g way i s b a d . Fordham: To p i cs t h a t a d d ress p e rso n a l ch a l l e n g e s t h e stu d e nt h a s fa ced a re

ris ky. It ca n be good to write a bout a r i s ky topic if it s h ows a stu d e nt's g rowt h a n d deve l o p m ent i n ove rco m i n g a ch a l l e n g e . Macalester: I rea l ly d o n't wa nt t o know a bout t h e i r s e x l i ves. U NC : We l i ke to read a bout i nte l l ectu a l ri sks, eve n th ose t h at may be contro足

versi a l . If p rese nted wel l , s u ch to p i cs may be stro n g essays. UVA: Any topic can be r i s ky. I t h i n k the g ra n d n a rratives ( m eta- n a rratives fo r

t h e post m o d e r n crowd ) , a re d i ffi c u l t to write a bout we l l i n a l i m ited a m o u nt of space. M a n's i n h u m a n ity to m a n wo u l d fa l l i nto t h i s cate g o ry. I a m bei n g a bit to n g ue-i n-cheek, a s I d o not w i s h to d i sco u ra g e stu d e nts fro m writi n g a bout w h at t h ey care a bout. I h ave seen g reat essays o n a l m ost a ny to p i c a n d terri b l e essays o n a l m ost a ny to p i c . ( I h ave read ove r 25,0 0 0 . ) Wagner: Po l itics, re l i g i o n - if y o u wo u l d n't ta l k a bout i t at a d i n n e r p a rty o r o n

a fi rst d ate, it's n ot g o o d essay mate ri a l . Poet ry c a n a l so be a r i s k y ch oice. You h ave to write rea l ly, rea l ly good poet ry to m a ke it a worthwh i l e co l l ege essay. H oweve r, if s o m eth i n g a l o n g the p o l itica l o r re l i g i o u s l i n es m a ke you q u es足 tion yo u rself, o r you saw s o m eth i n g in a d iffe rent l i g ht, then fee l free to write away! J u st d o n't be ove rly p o l itica l . Th at's what the 24-h o u r n ews cyc l e i s fo r.

College Essays That Made a Difference

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C l ose-m i n d e d n ess or d e m o n strati o n s of ra c i s m , sex i s m , or d i s respect i n es says ca n res u lt in a d e n i a l of a d m i s s i o n .

INSIDE THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE What work experience is required of people who review applica tions? Are there any particular qualities you look for in a reader? A m h e rst: Fu l l -t i m e a d m i s s i o n s officer. Becker: Al l offi c i a l a d m i ss i o n s co u n s e l o r s read essays. We do n ot h i re " read

e rs-o n l y:' Cooper U n i o n : Al l readers a re eith e r fu l l -ti m e a d m i s s i o n s cou n se l o rs o r facu lty

who a re m e m bers of an a d m i s s i o n s co m m ittee. Deep Spri n g s : We look fo r p r u d e n ce and j u d g m e nt t h at ca n eva l u ate m a ny

a s pects of a stu d e nt, rath e r t h a n j u st i nte l l ect. Rea d e rs a re ch osen fro m t h e stu d e nt b o d y a s we l l a s t h e w i d e r D e e p S p r i n g s com m u n ity. E m o ry: Ad m i s s i o n co m m ittee expe r i e n ce; some a re reti red a d m i s s i o n co u n

s e l o rs. H a n over: N o p a rt i c u l a r work expe r i e n ce i s req u i red fo r a p p l icati o n revi ew.

Pati e n ce, ti m e m a n ag e m e nt, a n d a g l o b a l perspective. H a rvey M u d d : Fa i rn ess, b a l a nce, g e n u i n e i nte rest i n people, a n a b i l ity to g ra s p

t h e m essa g e e v e n if t h e writi n g is n o t we l l executed, a n d a n a b i l ity t o susta i n a g ru e l i n g pace o f read i n g . P u rd u e : C o u n s e l o rs w h o revi ew a p p l icati o n s a l so m eet with stu d e nts a n d

fa m i l ies wh i l e trave l i n g a n d d u ri n g o n -ca m p u s v i s its. They a re very fa m i l i a r with t h e p a rt i c u l a r attri b utes t h at m a ke fo r a q u a l ified stu d e nt, o n e w h o ca n be su ccessfu l a n d th rive h e re . U NC : M ost peo p l e who revi ew a p p l icati o n s do h ave exte n s i ve backg ro u n d s

i n e d u cati o n at t h e h i g h sch o o l o r h i g h e r l eve l . G e n e ra l ly spea ki n g , rea d e rs m u st be a b l e to m a ke d e c i s i o n s , s u p p o rt t h e i r deci s i o n s with so l i d a r g u m e nts, a n d d e bate t h e i r deci s i o n s with others who d i sa g ree. UT: T h e best eva l u ators h ave worked i n a h i g h sch o o l o r u n d e rg ra d u ate u n i

vers ity. I l o o k fo r eva l u ators w h o h ave i nte l l ectu a l , as we l l as co m m o n , sense, a l o n g with a good sense of h u m o r.

O&A with A dmissions Officers

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P u rd u e : Yes . O n o u r a p p l icat i o n we h ave a sect i o n ca l l ed "Ad d iti o n a l l nfo r m a 足

t i o n :'Tru ly it i s o pti o n a l a n d s o m e stu d e nts may n ot h ave s o m et h i n g a p p l ica b l e t o put t h e re . It's rea l ly a n "extra " p o rt i on o f t h e a p p l icati o n th at's i nte nded fo r a stu dent to te l l us s o m eth i n g s h e or h e h a s n't yet h a d t h e o p p o rt u n ity to co nvey. O l i n : Yes, o pti o n a l m e a n s o pti o n a l .

U NC: Yes . We a l l ow the a p p l ica nt t h e o pti o n of fi l l i n g o u t a n o pti o n a l a d d i ti o n a l state m e nt i f t h e re a re t h i n g s that t h ey fee l t h e rest o f t h e a p p l icati o n d i d n ot a d d ress. UT: Typica l ly, n o , u n l ess a p p roved by the a d m i s s i o n co m m ittee. UVA: I enco u rage stu d e nts to take the ch a n ce to te l l u s a bout t h e m se lves o ut足

s i d e the n u m bers. If we d i d h ave an o pti o n a l essay, I wo u l d l i ke l y enco u ra g e [th e m ] t o u s e i t ( o u r essays a re m a n d atory ) . Wag n er: Ve ry l ittl e . Rea l ly s p e n d t i m e a n d w o r k o n it. T h e re i s n o s u ch t h i n g

a s a "fa st a p p :' Wake Forest: With t h e exce pt i o n of a q u esti o n conce r n i n g eth n i city, we d o

n o t h ave o pti o n a l q u esti o n s . A stu d e nt wo u l d n ot be p e n a l ized fo r fa i l i n g t o a nswe r t h at q u esti o n .

How much extra material should students send? Which materials are helpful? Becker: Anyt h i n g t h at s h ows t h e i r creativity ( [s u ch as] p o rtfo l i o s ) . N o need to

su b m it m o re t h a n th ree l ette rs of reco m m endati o n . Colgate: S o m e a p p l ica nts p rovide s u p p l e m enta ry m ate ria l fo r revi ew b y o u r

a d m i s s i o n staff. If a stu d e nt fee l s t h e extra s u b m i s s i o n is i m porta nt e n o u g h to s e n d , it i s co n s i d e red i m po rtant e n o u g h fo r u s to eva l u ate. W h i l e o u r a d 足 m i s s i o n p rocess i s sti l l p ri m a ri ly b a s e d o n a stu d e nt's a ca d e m i c p re p a rati o n , m a ny stu d e nts s e n d s u p p l e m e nta ry i nfo rmati o n a s a m e a n s t o s h owcase a pa rticu l a r ta l e nt tha t is n ot a l ready refl ected i n t h e a p p l icati o n . A l a rg e vo l u m e o f s u p p l e m e nta ry m ate r i a l s wi l l not necess a r i l y i m pact t h e a d m i s s i o n deci s i o n ( m o re is n o t n ecessa r i l y bette r ) , b u t a ca refu l ly p re p a red a rt s u b m i s s i o n , m u s i c d e m o , ath l etic t a p e , creative writi n g exa m p l e, o r oth e r s u b m i s s i o n c a n a s s i st o u r staff as we s h a pe o u r c l a s s to refl ect t h e ta l e nts a n d d i vers ity of o u r a p 足 p l ica nt poo l . M a ny su p p l e m e ntary materi a l s a re sent to va r i o u s d e p a rt m e nts on ca m p u s fo r eva l u at i o n . Facu lty a n d staff in the M u sic, Art, a n d Ath l etics d e p a rt m e nts p rovide t h e i r feed back o n a p p l ica nts' a b i l ities.

Q&A with A dmissions Officers

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ANDREW COLLINS

Andrew's two most important extracurricular pursuits were his work as editor of T h e Exo n i a n, a weekly school newspaper, and piano composition, for which he was selected to give a major public recital at the end of his senior year. He was a two-year letterman in track, twice served as the sports director of WPEA campus radio, and founded an adjunct student government committee his junior year, which was a forum for student interaction with Student Council rep足 resentatives. In his junior year, Andrew won the Sherman W Hoar award for excellence in American history and the Turner Exonian Award for writing and reporting for the newspaper.

Stats

SAT: 1 540 (800 Criti c a l R e a d i n g , 740 Math) SAT Subject Test(s): 790 Lite rature, 720 M ath Level 2, 650 C h e m i stry, 620 Physics, 690 Fre n c h High School G PA: 3.42 High School : P h i l i p s Exeter A c a d e my, Exete r, N H Hometown: Littl e R o c k, A R Gender: M a l e Race: C a u c a s i a n

The Applicants

A p p l i e d To

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D u ke U n iversity Georgetown U n iversity H a rvard C o l l e g e P ri n c eton U n ive rsity Stanford U niversity U n iversity of C a l iforni a-B e rkeley U n iversity of Virg i n i a Va n d e rb i lt U n iversity

Essay Andrew used the following essay in his applications to Harvard, Vanderbilt, and Duke. Common Application: Evaluate a significant experience, achieve足 ment, or risk that you have taken and its impact on you.

"You' ll have a great time. These elderly folks, they're so appreciative when students take the time to perform for them-and they love the music." Over half of the audience had fallen asleep. Drowsiness had enveloped the re足 maining residents, who looked bleary-eyed and disoriented in their wheelchairs. One man succumbed to a grotesque yawn, and the sight of his spit-soaked, mangled gums caused me to wince. I had volunteered to play piano at Riverwoods Nursing Home along with some of my classmates, and was next in line to perform. Thinking that this audience would cheerfully applaud anything, I had elected to perform one of my original compositions. The song wasn't perfect, but I figured that an audience full of kindly old grandmothers would offer unqualified praise and perhaps a cookie or two, not criticism. Instead, dozens of eyes were staring right at me through sagging frames of flesh. I sat upright in the hard plastic chair, muscles taut, in a state of total discomfort. Someone in the audience passed gas. When it was my tum to play, I walked over to the piano and addressed the crowd, as is customary. I said the name ofmy piece, and then I was interrupted-"Talk louder, boy! "-by a fierce gentleman in the front row. I apologized and tried again, but my efforts were met with jeers from the audience. "He 's just whispering ! " one woman shouted with glee. Her friend nodded and whooped in approval, between coughs. No more slumber for these folks-the scene had turned rowdy, and I was stuck in the middle !

College Essays That Made a Difference

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ANDREW MAXWELL MANGINO

Throughout high school, Andrew's passion was his school newspaper, The C a l d ro n . While Andrew worked on The Ca l d ro n , it expanded from 10 to 100 staff members and won the a ward for top high school newspaper in New Jersey in the small schools division. A ndrew taught a class on his journalism experiences at Columbia Scholastic Press Association conventions and won a national award for newspaper design. He spent his summers at journalism confer足 ences and volunteering at his local newspaper. He played double bass in his high school's orchestra, jazz band, chamber group, and band, and was a North Jersey regional bassist his senior year. He was on his school's baseball and varsity cross-country teams, and was president of the National Honor Society.

Stats

SAT: 1 5 1 0 (750 Criti c a l R e a d i n g , 760 Math) SAT Subject Test(s): 760 U . S . H istory, 760 M ath l l C High School G PA: 99.5 ( out o f 1 00) weig hted High School: J a m e s Caldwell H i g h S c h ool, West C a ldwell, NJ Hometown: West C a ldwe l l , NJ Gender: M a l e Race: C a u c a s i a n

The Applicants

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A p p l i e d To B rown U n iversity C o l u m b i a U n ive rsity-C o l u m b i a C o l l e g e G e o rg e Was h i n gto n U n ive rsity Georgetown U n iversity H a rvard U n iversity N ew Yo rk U n ive rsity N o rthwestern U n ive rsity Pri n c eto n U n ive rsity Syra c u s e U n ive rsity Tufts U n ive rsity U niversity of C h i c a g o U n iversity o f Pen nsylva n i a Wa s h i ngton U n iversity i n St. Louis Ya le U n ivers ity

Essay Andrew used similar versions of following essay in his applications to Brown, Chicago, Columbia, Harvard, N YU, Penn, Princeton, Syracuse, Tufts, Washington, and Yale. Common Application: Indicate a person who has had a significan t influence on you, and describe that in fluence.

His arms flew through the hot summer air. There was a deafening delay. Someone shouted, "We love you John ! " Had he read my mind? Snapping open my camera, I focused intently on his expression. Suddenly, the blistering B-ftat chord thundered from the platform and applause spread through the crowd like an electrical current. The musical rush of Star Wars was contagious. For two minutes and fifty five seconds, the Blossom Musical Festival audience was mesmerized, and I realized why I had convinced my family to drive eight hours for the moment. His music, in its grandeur and consonance, was perfect. I want to tell him how it makes me feel! One year later and miles from Cleveland, I waited anxiously in Tanglewood, Massachusetts amongst fellow diehards. With my Star Wars score in one hand and Greatest Hits piano book in the other, I wondered what I would tell him. Should I explain where my passion began? For more than a decade, I had listened to an ar足

ray of music that included everything from Jewish chants, Christmas classics, and traditional Afghani hymns to, Bob Dylan, Gustav Holst, and Blink 1 82. But over time, dramatic movie themes began to stand out most. As I got older, I turned from dancing around the house with my mom to Whitney Houston's I 'm Every Woman to conducting the 1 984 Olympic Theme in front of my cat, cuing imaginary trumpets with pretzel rods. During school presentations and in my film projects, I blasted his music, determined to share his genius with others. Should I tell him about my

College Essays That Made a Difference

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CAROLINE HABBERT

Caroline held many leadership positions in high school, including student senate president. She was on the yearbook staff and the var足 sity softball team for four years, and headed both operations her se足 nior year as editor and captain, respectively. She was also involved in the Ohio Math League, the Service Club, and her school's Cum Laude and French Honor societies. Outside of school, she taught and attended religious school for four years, volunteered at a nurs足 ing home weekly, and spent her summers bicycling. The summer before her senior yea r, Ca rolin e cycled across th e United Sta tes.

Stats

SAT: 1 5 1 0 (770 Criti c a l R e a d i n g , 740 M ath) SAT Subject Test(s): 750 M ath Level 2, 750 B i o l ogy ACT: 34 High School G PA: 3.98 H i g h School : Seven H i l l s U p p e r S c h ool, C i n c i n n ati, O H Hometown: C i n c i n n ati, O H Gender: Fe m a l e Race: C a u c a s i a n A p p l i e d To B rown U n iversity Sta nford U n iversity U n ivers ity of M i c h i g a n Was h i n gton U n ivers ity in St. Lo u i s Ya l e U n ive rsity

Please note: Caroline did not disclose information about other applications.

The Applicants

1 05

Essay Caroline used the following essay in her application to Brown and modified it for her other applications. There was no formal essay question.

This summer I pushed myself to the limit time and time again. Many times when I thought that I could not go any further, I had to rely on all of my inner strength to pull myself through. This summer I spent eight weeks on a bicycle that carried

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not only me, but all of my worldly possessions for those eight weeks, from Seattle, Washington to Sea Bright, New Jersey. I moved my legs around in constant circles for seven or eight hours a day, every day, all the way from the Pacific to the Atlantic. And at the end of each day, when I was more tired than I could possibly imagine, I set up my tent, rolled out my sleeping bag, and slept until a "momin' folks" forced its way into my consciousness and told me that it was time to begin the process anew. We encountered crosswinds so strong that we exerted more effort trying to move in a straight line than trying to move forward; swarms of mosquitoes so thick that stand足 ing still for more than ten seconds and maintaining enough blood to function were mutually exclusive; huge trucks heading towards us while passing cars on their side of the road, forcing us to abandon the little strip of shoulder we occupied; and, of course, uphill roads than seemed to take forever to crest at the top of the mountain. Despite all of the setbacks and adverse conditions, I made it across the country under my own power. I will probably never again experience anything so amazing as the feeling I had when we first saw water in New Jersey. Getting there had required me to utilize both emotional and physical elements of myself that had never before been tested. I had never before sat on a bicycle seat for 55 days in a row, nor had I ever faced something I wasn't confident I could do. But I did do it. I called upon all of the tenacity, persistence, and strength that I have, and I made it. This is not the first physical challenge I have conquered; my photo albums display mementoes from three other long-distance bike trips. Nor is this the first emotional challenge I have faced. Every week, in fact, I am tested in new ways as a volunteer at a nursing home. During my six years there I have worked with countless residents, but one woman has been a constant. Each time I go, I make it a point to stop by Sarah's room to spend some time alone with her. The first I met her, Sarah was the feisty old lady playing Bingo who explained to me that some of the other women occasionally had a hard time finding the right square. Unfortunately, her spunk did not last much longer. Already 90 when I met her, her health began a slow decline soon after I met her. Most upsetting to me was the fact that her mental facilities were slowly deteriorating. When I first began visiting her, she would challenge my presence on any day other than Sunday. Then, as the days started to blend together, she would realize that it was Sunday when I arrived. Finally, she quit commenting

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College Essays That Made a Difference

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DAVID GIBBS

David served as captain of his high school basketball and base足 ball teams.

Stats

SAT: 2060 (61 0 C riti c a l R e a d i n g , 760 M ath, 690 Writi n g ) H i g h School G PA: D i d n ot h ave a G PA High School: Riverd a l e C o u ntry S c h o o l , B ro nx, NY Hometown: H a rrison, NY Gender: M a l e Race: C a u c a s i a n

Tufts U n ivers ity ( a p p l i e d e a rly d e c i s i o n ) Tul a n e U n iversity ( a p p l i e d e a rly d e c i s i o n )

Essay David submitted the following essay to the schools listed above. Topic of your choice. D a n ny Almonte a n d M e

Tuesday, July 27'\ 200 1 . We 've had a great run u p t o this point. Because w e lost the second game of the district tournament, we had to win seven in a row in order to win the championship. Now, after winning our first two games of the Section

1 34

College Essays That Made a Difference

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tournament, we are in the finals. A win today would put us in the State tournament with a chance to go to the Regionals. I step off the bus and see players from the other team, Rolando Paulino, getting out of their cars in the parking lot. These kids are humongous. They're twelve? "Danny, me da algunas semillas girasoles," one of them says. I don't understand Spanish. If they speak Spanish during the game, we ' ll have no chance of figuring out their strategies. "Play ball ! " says the umpire as Rolando Paulino takes the field. We 're at bat, and before I know it we already have runners on second and third. How did that happen? Rolando Paulino is supposed to be amazing. Maybe we do have a chance to - but there 's our third out. I take the mound for the bottom of the first. Curve ball, high. Bad decision. OK, here is a fastball. Wow, he hit that a long way. I guess this team really is as good as it looks. Here 's their Number Three batter, a tall, skinny kid with some facial hair, the one everyone has been talking about. Danny Almonte. I tell myself to relax, but I don't take my own advice: I throw a fastball down the middle. Danny wastes no time in crushing it to the fence. Suddenly, I ' m pretty sure I know how this game is going to play out. The rest is a complete blur. All I remember is Rolando Paulino hitting a lot of balls hard and me doing a lot of second guessing. Afterwards, even though I am upset that this great run we 've had is over, I accept that Paulino is better than us. Now it is time to concentrate on winning our league championship. That night at dinner my dad and I discuss the game. He brings up some points that hadn't occurred to me: that Danny Almonte threw the ball nearly 80mph, at least 8 mph faster than any other Little League pitcher; that kids who have facial hair are probably fourteen and fifteen; that the thirteen members of Rolando Paulino attended eight different schools - a difficult feat considering that all the players must live in the same neighborhood. "David," he says, "there 's a strong possibility that this team was cheating." Almonte 's team forfeits LLWS victories

Sports Illustrated: Friday August 3 1 , 200 1 SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic (AP}-Little League pitcher Danny Almonte is no longer perfect-because he's no longer

12.

The Applicants

1 35

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EMILY ALLEN

1 46

A National Merit Scholar, Emily was active in her church's youth group and lead worship services. At her high school, she acted in school plays, pla yed in the school band and flute club, and took six A dvanced Placement courses. She went to Bolivia for a summer with Amigos de las Americas and attended the National Young Leaders Conference. A Girl Scout for eight years, she earned the Silver Award.

Stats SAT: 1 600 (800 C riti c a l R e a d i n g , 800 M ath) High School GPA: NA-Em i ly was i n the top 10 percent of her class High School: H e n ry M . G u n n H i g h S c h o o l , P a l o Alto, C A Hometown: P a l o Alto, C A Gender: Fem a l e Race: C a u c a s i a n A p p l i e d To Georgetown U n iversity H a rva rd C o l l e g e U n iversity of C a l ifornia-Be rkel ey U n iversity of C a l ifo rni a-Los Angeles U n iversity of C a l ifo rnia-S a n Diego U n ive rsity of Pen nsylva n i a U n iversity o f S o uthern C a l ifo rnia Ya l e U n iversity

College Essays That Made a Difference

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p WH ERE TH EY G ar I N

AARON ANTRIM Bard College* C l a s s o f 2006 App lied to: A m h e rst C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . d e n i e d B a rd C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted H a m ps h i re C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted H a rv a rd C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . waitl iste d, d e n i e d H u m b o l dt State U n iv e rsity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted

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Reed C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted Sta nford U n ive rsity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . d e n i e d Ya l e U n iversity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . d e n i e d *

Fo l l owi n g h i s fres h m a n yea r at B a r d , Aa ro n tra n sferred to H u m 足 b o l dt State . T h e i nfo rmati o n i n t h i s book, h owever, p e rta i n s o n l y t o h i s a p p l icat i o n s fo r fresh m a n a d m i s s i o n .

ADAM BERLINSKY-SCHINE Corn e l l Un iversity, Class o f 2005 Applied to: C o r n e l l U n ive rsity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted

ALISON KAUFMANN Amherst Coll ege, Class of 2003 Appl i e d to: A m h e rst C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted B rown U n iversity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted Sta nford U n ive rsity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted Swa rth more C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted We l l e s l ey C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted We sleyan U n ive rsity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted Ya l e U n iversity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted

ALLISON KAY RANGEL R e e d Col lege, Class o f 201 0 Applied to: R e e d C o l l e g e . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted U n ive rsity of C a lifo r n i a-Berkeley . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted U n ive rsity of C a l iforni a-Los A n g e l e s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted U n ive rsity of C a l ifo r n i a-Sa nta B a rb a ra . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a c c e pted

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College Essays That Made a Difference

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App TH EY' RE , TH E I R , AN D TH ERE: G RAM MAR AN D WR ITI NG TI PS

The E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e u ses d iffe rent co m pa ri s o n words w h e n co m p a r足 i n g two t h i n g s t h a n w h e n co m p a r i n g m o re t h a n two th i n g s . C h eck out th ese exa m p l es : m o re (fo r two t h i n g s ) vs. m o st (fo r m o re t h a n two ) Ex. : G i ven Alex a n d David as poss i b l e d ates, A l ex is t h e m o re a p pea l i n g

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o f t h e two . I n fa ct, of a l l t h e g uys I kn ow, A l ex is t h e m o st attractive. less (fo r two t h i n g s ) vs. l e a st (fo r m o re t h a n two ) Ex. : I a m l ess l i ke l y to be ch osen t h a n you a re .

I a m t h e l e a st l i ke l y p e r s o n t o be ch osen f r o m the d e p a rt m e nt. better (fo r two t h i n g s ) vs. best (fo r m o re t h a n two ) Ex. : Ta k i n g a ca b is bette r t h a n h itch h i ki n g .

My o rg a n i c ch e m i st ry p rofesso r i s t h e best p rofess o r I h ave eve r h a d . betwee n (fo r two t h i n g s ) v s . a m o n g (fo r m o re t h a n two ) Ex . : J u st between y o u a n d m e , I never l i ked h e r a nyway.

A m o n g a l l t h e peo p l e h e re, no o n e l i kes h e r. Kee p track of wh at's b e i n g co m p a red i n a se nte nce so you d o n't fa l l i nto t h i s g ra m m atica l b l a ck h o l e .

Mistake #7: Diction Dicti o n m e a n s ch o i ce of words. T h e re a re tons of freq u e ntly confused words in t h e E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e and ca n be b ro k e n down i nto words t h at s o u n d t h e s a m e but m e a n d iffe rent t h i n g s ( there, they're, their) , wo rds a n d p h rases that a re m a d e u p ( irregardless) a n d words that a re i n co rrectly used a s syn onyms ( fewer, less) . Wo rd s t h at so u n d t h e s a m e but m e a n d iffe rent t h i n g s a re h o m o ny m s . S o m e exa m p l es a re : there, they 're, their:

There i s used to i n d i cate a l ocati o n i n ti m e o r space.

They're i s a contract i o n of " t h ey a re :' Their i s a possess ive prono u n . effect/affect:

Effect i s t h e res u lt o f somet h i n g . A ffect i s t o i nfl u e nce o r

ch a n g e s o m eth i n g .

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consci ence/co n scio u s :

Conscience is Freu d i a n a n d is a sense of r i g h t

o r wro n g . Conscious i s to be awa ke. pri nciple/principal:

Principle is a va l u e . Principal i s t h e person in ch a rg e

a t a sch o o l . e m i n ent/i m m i n ent:

Eminent d escri bes a person who i s h i g h ly re足

g a rd e d . Imminent m e a n s i m pe n d i n g . I m a g i n a ry words t h at d o n't exist b u t te n d t o be used i n writi n g i n c l u d e : Alot: Desp ite widespread u se, I rregard less:

a lot i s n ot a wo rd. A l o t i s t h e co rrect fo r m .

Irregardless i s not i n a nybody's d i cti o n a ry - it's n ot a rea l

wo rd . Regardless i s t h e wo rd t h at you want. Someti mes p e o p l e d o n't k n ow when to use a wo rd . How often h ave you seen this s i g n ? E x p ress ch ecko ut: Te n ite m s o r l ess. U nfo rtu n ately, s u p e r m a rkets a c ross Ame rica a re m a k i n g a b l ata nt g ra m 足 m atica l erro r w h e n t h ey post t h i s s i g n . W h e n ite m s ca n be cou nted, y o u m u st use t h e word fewer. W h e n s o m eth i n g ca n n ot be cou nted, you wo u l d use t h e w o r d less. Fo r exa m p l e : I f y o u e a t fewe r French fries, y o u ca n u se l e s s ketch u p . H e re a re s o m e oth e r words peo p l e m a ke the m i stake o f u s i n g i nte rch a n g e 足 a b ly: n u m ber/ a m o u nt : U se

number when referri n g to s o m et h i n g t h at ca n

be cou nte d . U s e amount w h e n it ca n n ot. a g g ravate/ i rritate:

Aggra vate and irritate a re n ot sy n o ny m o u s . To ag足

gravate i s to m a ke worse. To irritate, i s to a n n oy. disi nterested/ u n i nterested :

Disinterest m e a n s i m pa rti a l ity; a bsence of

stro ng fee l i n g s a bout s o m eth i n g , g o o d or b a d . Uninterest, on t h e oth e r h a n d , i n d i cates bore d o m . D i ct i o n e rrors req u i res s o m e o n e to cast a k e e n , fresh eye o n yo u r essay beca u s e t h ey trick yo u r ea r a n d req u i re focu sed atte nti o n to catch .

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