twenty600 issue #1

FREE

the politics of porn ink & rags & rock ‘n’ roll meet four of canberra’s brightest creative talents

and much more...

LAUNCH ISSUE

behind the scenes of canberra’s sex industry

congratulates twenty600 Magazine on its first issue Your Printing business partner printing solutions mailing & distribution online ordering digital printing offset printing facilities management

business partner we understand business partnerships let us handle everything in between

02 6280 5410

* ROLFE MOTORS - 29 Botany St, Phillip. 6282 4888 Opposite KFC berrysmith RMG T600

LMD 17000346

*Drive Away price is for Volvo C30S. For Metallic Paint add $1100. image used for illustrative purposes only.

editor’s thingo

Canberra. Artificial city? Soulless bureaucracy? Government playground? Here in the ‘berra we’ve long been plagued by these stereotypes. But for those of us who live here, we know that Canberra is a city of many faces. It’s a city of vice and pleasure, of festivals and art, of monuments and politics, of artists and young professionals and crusty old timers and dorky families. But is there really enough going on to justify adding another local mag to the pile?

Props to the publications already out there, but Canberra has been crying out for some style and substance. twenty600 is all about getting at the underbelly of Canberra, to the colour and grit and inhabitants of this place we call home. For this, our first issue, we’ve sussed out some of Canberra’s brightest creative talents in music, dance, fashion and design. And we’ve barely scratched the surface—for every artsy genius we chose, our search turned up hundreds more. We also examine why Canberra has been tagged as the ‘sex capital’ of Australia, and why politicians and the tourism industry are constantly sweeping this aspect of Canberra under the rug. And if that doesn’t do it for you, we’ve got our usual mix of rants, reviews and really, like, clever stuff.

A big shout-out to our awesome creative team, who have kept the spirit of the Canberra arts scene alive by donating their time and their talents to getting this first issue off the ground.

So get ready, Canberra, because there’s a new kid in town, and if you make him mad he’s going to tell his mum.

George Poulakis EDITOR

When you want more than just a website... eCommerce eMarketing Flash CMS

SynapseWorldwide.com 1300 785 230

brought to you by these tools Charlie Big - by Petunia Brown Charlie Big is the pseudonym of a short man with a God complex and no discernible writing talent. Charlie compensates for his failings by driving a sports car and by speaking only in iambic pentameter. Having been diagnosed in late 2005 with chronic midlife cris-itis, Charlie will live out the rest of his days in his Playbig Mansion where he will continue dating a string of ‘models’ best known for their work in the Spring 1982 Big W catalogue.

Editor George Poulakis Assistant Editor Claire Thompson

Petunia Brown - by Sarah Hart Petunia Brown is the author of such well-known and loved books as The Bible, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Middlemarch.

But you may know her better as Diana, Princess of Denmark. With her trademark lisp and delightful gammy arms, she is the forgotten lamb of Cootamundra, and occupies a privileged position in the Harold Holt Hall of Fame. Overlooked thus far, close but no cigar, Petunia is still expected to grace the cubicle of the Nobel Prize for Literature long before Ratty proposes to the Mole.

Assistant Graphic Designer Nick Ellis Contributors Charlie Big, Petunia Brown, Brooke Davis, Nick Ellis, Gerald Gaiman, Sarah Hart, Georgia Perry and Mark Russell Please send all contributions, cheques, compliments and ponies to george@twenty600.com.au Please send all incessant, whiny, pointless ranting to thisisnotarealemailaddress@twenty600.com.au

Sarah Hart - by Nick Ellis When asked why she wants to be a helicopter pilot, Sarah Hart invariably has one answer—it’s hella cool. Luckily she’s much more erudite when it comes to describing her other interests, pet hates and forays into debauchery. Reading Sarah’s work is like watching someone eat poisoned fairy floss—it looks tasty, smells good and you can’t help but want some of that bad candy. Then the screaming starts. And the vomiting. So much vomiting.

www.twenty600.com.au (02) 6139 1078 twenty600 owns the copyright in this publication. Reproduction of its contents in whole or in part without permission is strictly prohibited. twenty600 welcomes all unsolicited text, illustrations and photographs. When you submit any content, you acknowledge that you have all necessary rights, including copyright, in the material that you are contributing. You agree that twenty600 may use the material, now and in the future, and that twenty600 retains the right to edit submitted work.

While twenty600 endeavours to provide accurate and current content, no guarantee is given as to the accuracy or completeness of the information contained in this magazine.

Views and opinions expressed in twenty600 are not necessarily those of the publisher. twenty600 is published four times a year.

Nick Ellis - by Charlie Big Born in the Mushroom Kingdom, Nick Ellis is a 5ft tall Italian plumber known for constantly thwarting the plans of the evil King Bowser.

For years now, doctors have been unable to diagnose Nick with an actual disorder. Some say he is an idiot savant. I think he’s just an idiot.

But don’t ask me, I’m not a doctor. Nick’s latest novel has just been released as a motion picture starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou.

6

surprise, provoke and stimulate your senses...

Check out the hotest arts facility in town

flavours FOOD & WINE EVENTS

Watch Glass Canberra Glassworks is an artists facility that allows you to get up close and personal with the artists as they create their stunning works of art.

Providing a unique and engaging alternative for your next corporate function

Make Glass From our 20 minute Off The Street program to intensive four week classes anyone can work with glass.

You don’t need any experience just a passion to create.

Gather Glass Come in and see the beautiful range of glass in both our shop and gallery created by some of the best artists working in Australia.

flavours @ Canberra Glassworks 11 Wentworth Avenue Kingston Fyshwick Fresh Food Markets 02 6295 7722 info@flavours.com.au www.flavours.com.au

For details call 6260 7005.

Canberra Glassworks 11 Wentworth Avenue Kingston ACT 2604 Telephone 02 6260 7005 Email contactus@canberraglassworks.com Open Wednesday to Sunday 10am – 4pm

SUPPORTED BY

SPONSORS

contents

Spirited opinion 14

Mark Russell’s guide to the ultimate shot

Ink & rags & rock ‘n’ roll 17

Meet four of Canberra’s brightest creative talents

Relationships 26

Broken wings or broken heart?

Citizenship test 28 How Aussie are you?

The politics of sex 31

Behind the scenes of Canberra’s sex industry

Little bits 44

Our contributors recount their first times

Travel 60

Get in touch with your inner kitsch in Romania

Environment 62

How you can make a difference

31

60

26

17

Nothing says ‘childhood’ like the Canberra Show.

Remember the days when you didn’t have to concern yourself with insignificant things like money?

Remember when all you cared about was how many rides you could go on before puking? Remember showbags? Showbags! Well look no further for your reminiscing needs, because now’s the time to relive those experiences!

With over 150 attractions, 5000 animals and heaps more, you’d be crazy to miss out.

Exhibition Park, Feb 22-24. Check out rncas.org.au for more details or give them a call on 6241 2478.

AUSTRALIA DAY CELEBRATIONS Honestly, how many Australians even know why we celebrate Australia Day? All that really matters to most of us is that we get a day off work.

And so, in celebration of said day off, check out australiaday.gov.au/act for a bunch of activities happening around our Nation from Jan 25-27, from the live concert at the lawns of Parliament House to the fireworks spectacular at Commonwealth Park. For more info call 13 22 81.

NATIONAL MULTICULTURAL FESTIVAL

ACTEWAGL ROYAL CANBERRA SHOW

to do list: summer 2007/’08

Amidst race riots and wars on terrorists—correction, terror—it’s reassuring to know that there’s at least one time a year when we can all come together, forget our differences, and actually celebrate them.

Showcasing many cultures through performances, and more importantly, food, don’t miss the twelfth National Multicultural Festival, from Feb 8-17. What are some of this year’s highlights, you ask? Well, why not jump online and visit multiculturalfestival.com.au for more info, or call 13 22 81.

HOT TO TROT What’s that? Never heard of Quantum Leap? You’re kidding me, right? No, I’m not talking about Sam and Al leaping through time, coining catch phrases like ‘oh boy’. If you’ve never seen anything by Quantum, Canberra’s own youth choreographic ensemble, then shame on you. These talented young dancers offer nothing but first-rate performance, and Hot to Trot, in which the Leapers create short works to be performed by fellow dancers, should be no exception. From experienced choreographers to first timers, this is an opportunity for these guys to develop ideas and present them to a home crowd. The short works will be shown in a performance season on Dec 8-9, with two different one-hour shows each night, so be sure to get along to both. For more info, take a look at choreocentre.org.au or call 6247 3103.

10

SAUCY PANTO

Intriguing. What’s the gist of this show? I’m guessing it’s about pantothenic acid. Nothing more exciting than a show about a vitamin that’s essential for the oxidation of fats and carbohydrates—of the saucy variety, of course. A pantone piece, perhaps? I can see it now: the quest for the perfect shade of sauce. Or maybe it’s a saucy pantomime? No, don’t be ridiculous.

Only one way to be sure. Be at the Street Theatre on Dec 12-22. If you absolutely must know more about this show, then take a look at thestreet.org.au or give the box office a buzz on 6247 1223.

LIOR Lior. At Tilley’s. Could you ask for more? Well, yes, but you’d be getting mighty greedy. So why am I more excited than a fat kid on free cake Friday? Because Lior’s tender melodies and rootsy folk with a Middle Eastern twist are perfectly suited to the intimacy Tilley’s offers.

But of course, by the time you read this, both Canberra gigs will have most probably sold out, because Lior is, without a doubt, one of Australia’s finest talents. What matters now is that I’ve already got my tickets! Hope to see you at Tilley’s, Feb 9-10 at 9pm. Tickets are $35, so quick, check canberratheatre.org.au or call 6275 2700.

Got something coming up that you think we should know about?

E-mail your events to george@twenty600.com.au

.com.au

& Region the Nation’s Capital to arts & culture in ide Gu ary im Pr Discover the

streeoetrgiafaPersryhion with G

What d o Canbe you think of rra’s fa shion sense?

Joly: D on started ’t get me .

you Where would hes ot cl y never bu ? from Nebi: Coles?

Where

’s a go od plac e to sh JD: I th op? ink I co u anywhe ld find someth re. ing fun ky

fit out our y did ? ere Wh e from , al DC ner com pe d Ge y H n e: ta Dav iamen l r a P ts.

Pan

What Em: T

style a

re you

he fun

kiest s

going

tyle th

for?

ere ev

12

er was

!

What m ake someth s fashion ing able?

Vicktor: T are som here e cool cats wh o know what su its them , i.e. me.

Desc your lo ribe ok one w in ord.

Nick: C ool.

Fit Sistas are the exclusive agents for Powapole™ Fitness Classes - a women’s exercise class taking pole dancing to another level. We have classes for beginners through to advanced. Let our qualified fitness instructors help you reach your health and fitness goals.

What’s your vo fa urite item of clothing?

Rachel: I love my hoodies.

DEVELOP CORE AND UPPER BODY STRENGTH TONE YOUR WHOLE BODY INCREASE FITNESS GAIN CONFIDENCE GET RESULTS AND IT’S FUN!

13

21 Lonsdale St, Braddon www.fitsistas.com.au 6248 5999

spirited opinion

14

Shot through the heart

Night getting a little slow? Motor skills still frustratingly functional? What you need, my friend, is a highly potent alcohol hit in a convenient 30 millilitre portion.

The shot is a time-honoured tradition to step up any night on the town. But what are the options, you ask? Do you take your spirits straight-up like the grizzled villain in a Western? Do you dance through the boozy orchard of fruity-liqueurs? Or are creamy shots calling out your name? What follows is a general guide to the good, the bad and the lessthan-pleasing of these intoxicating alternatives.

STRAIGHT-UP SPIRITS (for that eye-twitching intensity) A straight-up shot can be a little daunting at first, but once you’ve found your flavour a whole new world of alcohol appreciation will open up.

Here are some favourites.

Jack Daniels is no longer just for bikies, and is much smoother than you might expect when it’s thrown down your throat. This most famous of the Tennessee whiskeys is light in flavour with just

15

bar talk with Mark Russell

a hint of the smokiness common to sour mash.

Its ready availability in almost any bar also scores points.

Galliano is undoubtedly an acquired taste, but attracts a lot of loyalty from its fans. The vanilla undertones of the original Galliano make it the most popular, and from there you can progress through the anise power of white or black sambuca. If liquid marzipan is your thing, Amaretto might be for you.

Other options include vodka (Polish and near-frozen are good beginning); bitterly-sweet Cointreau (shaking it through ice makes it easier on the tonsils); and brutal Bacardi 151 (FIREWATER! At 75.5% alcohol, probably just stick to the one).

And of course, the king of them all; one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. The Agave is brilliant by itself if you’re willing to pay the extra 50 cents (or thereabouts) to get something drinkable, or there’s always the classic lime wedge and salt for that added bit of group camaraderie. A lick, sip, and suck (perhaps involving an attractive bystander) and you’ve got your own Cancun experience without the expensive plane ticket.

spirited opinion

IN THE MIX There are endless variations of mixed shots, limited only by the collective imaginations of yourself and your bartender. The classics tend to be named after lewd body parts or sexual metaphors, usually based on how you’re going to feel after consuming them. Half the fun is ordering one loud enough to offend the person next to you.

Pre-shaken shots are also a very tasty option, though are less bang for your buck as the volume is invariably bolstered by juice and water. Unlike cocktails, the truly great benefit of the shot is that if you avoid being a wanker about it, the barperson won’t resent being told how to make something you know, or have designed yourself. Mix it up; if it’s bad, at least it’s over quickly.

FRUITY GOODNESS If it grows on a tree, bush, pot plant or vine, chances are it has been made into a liqueur. Some of the basics include Chambord, to add that rich berry flavour; Limoncelo for a citrus twang; or perhaps even Paraiso—when used in moderation, lychee fans will love it. Any of these are more exciting than the lolly water you’ve done to death since you first snuck into a club. Mixed shots are like intense mini-cocktails. Try 10mls of strawberry liqueur, 10 of Limoncelo, and 10 of chilled vodka (if you like Long Island Iced Teas—God help you). You may want to vary the quantities to strengthen one particular flavour. A squeeze of lime can be a good addition to help balance out the sugar hit common to fruity shots.

16

CREAMING YOURSELF When it comes to creamy, the range is a little lighter on the ground. Alcohol companies seem keen to stick with a few bland and outdated dinosaurs, so ignore the expensive ad campaigns and stay away from anything your parents would have heard of (I’m looking at you, Baileys). If you want chocolate, Mozart’s range is quality taste and rich enough to simply drizzle over ice cream.

A brilliant way of getting this sort of dessert into your glass is to add some Vanille de Madagascar or Licor 43 and just a dash of cream. This will work with most flavours if you want to add the taste of vanilla ice cream. Do not, under any circumstances, add banana liqueur to anything.

DISCLAIMER Of course, most important to your shot encounters, keep track of how many you’re having and space them out over the night. Remember that the difference between rambunctious and regrettable can be as little as five minutes, and 60mls.

Ink & rags & rock ‘n’ roll Across the next eight pages we meet and profile four of Canberra’s brightest talents

Switch 3 18

Creating a successful, next-big-thing band is supposed to be a hard, thankless slog. Blood, sweat, tears, rejection, dejection and world-ending inter band personality clashes? Right? Wrong.

Switch 3 are riding the waves of early success with merry abandon, picking up enthusiastic sponsors at every turn, rocking out with the likes of Kisschasy, The Screaming Jets and CKY, and getting produced by Anton Hagop (Silverchair, Missy Higgins, Powderfinger). To top it all off, the band are best mates and have been lucky enough to spend their spare time surfing at Cronulla (during pre-production with Origami House) and snowboarding in Japan—great way to fill in your tour gaps.

With Maf Davis on lead vocals, brother Ben on guitar, Evan Dorrian on drums and Mick Hoorweg on bass, Switch 3 morphed into their current incarnation in late 2005, and are poised to release its debut full-length album in March 2008.

In true upstart style, the band went straight to the top, producer-wise, and were fortunate enough to hook up with Anton to release their second EP. “Anton was fantastic to work with,” Maf says, “so we asked him to come back on board for Calm Before.” And the result? “Our new album is everything we could want it to be. It’s a rock album with lyrics that make you think and tunes that make you want to sing. It has a dark, almost melancholic vibe with a range of songs stretching from introspective and mellow to full on rocking out.”

To showcase the band’s first single, Come to Me, Switch 3 have teamed up with Silver Sun Pictures, an innovative and exciting Canberrabased production company, to create the video clip, of which there will be two versions. “One is a Video Hits happy cut, and one a nasty as hell Director’s cut,” says Maf. “It’s essentially a love story about two people who perhaps aren’t living their lives the way they want to,” adds Jacinta Britton, the clip’s Creative Producer. “It’s got rockin’ guitars, a Cadillac, a booty chick on a mission, mad special effects, and is likely to be one of the most engaging and complex clips you’ll see in a long time.” Paul Kirwan (Pirates of the Carribbean, Transformers and Lord of the Rings) will be contributing to said special effects, having recently come on board as a Creative Visual FX Consultant for the clip.

Switch 3 are quick to point out they have received invaluable support along the way from a number of sources. Locally, ArtsACT have stood out for their contribution to the recording process.

“Everyone in the arts community should take their hats off to the people at ArtsACT,” Maf says.

“Without them, the Canberra scene would be seriously lacking in the breadth, depth and vitality it richly enjoys.”

And success is definitely where Switch 3 are headed. For a homegrown Canberra band they’ve already achieved an extraordinary amount, both here and overseas. Even so, Maf has this to say about Switch 3’s roots here in the ACT: “The talent

19

in Canberra is exceptional. There is no doubt that we all have the potential to make something enormous—so long as everyone works together toward the common goal of making the scene here the best it can be.” With Switch 3 in the vanguard, we’re pretty confident that the Canberra scene is going to continue going places. Bring on March 2008.

Judas.

“After studying, I always wanted to be a fashion designer, but I just never knew how to go about it,” says Naomi Hogie. “I was interested in fashion, and loved drawing, but I never thought it would lead anywhere.” After a friend dragged her through a CIT fashion design course, Naomi, 27, is now producing her own fashion label.

pics by Georgia Perry 20

Judas is a menswear line with a focus on oneof-a-kind men’s vintage shirts. “I source vintage shirts and combine them with new fabrics,” Naomi explains. “They’re designed for 35-45 year-old men who would like something stylish, but can’t go out wearing stupid graffiti shirts. They’re for the sort of customer who wants something unique, something that you won’t see around every corner, and who’s willing to pay for it.” Judas is also due to expand with a new collection. “We’re launching a line from scratch, and creating stylish garments that are a little bit outside the box without being too outrageous.

Everything from shirts to tops to cardigans to pants.”

So where does one get the inspiration to dream up these things? “Absolutely anywhere,” she says.

“An event, a song, a door handle. Anything. What I love is having the ability to create things that people can express themselves with. A garment I create can make different people feel different things. It’s also about bringing out someone’s inner being, so that how they dress represents who they are.”

It was in 2005 that Naomi moved to Sydney to take up a position in advertising for a fashion

magazine. “I worked with a girl who told me about her sister starting a fashion label. I was like, ‘What?

You can do that? How did she do it? Where did she do it?’ I pestered her for weeks, asking her everything I could,” Naomi says. “So that very first day as I sat on the bus home, I drew a basic business structure on a bit of scrap paper I had in my bag, on how it would work… or how I ‘thought’ it would work. That was where it began.”

Fast-forward to 2007, and Naomi has toyed with a variety of labels, styles and target markets, before settling down to work on the Judas line.

Her designs are now being stocked at Braddon’s itrip iskip, and are also making a name for her at the Kingston Bus Depot markets. It’s a slow process, but one that seems to gradually be turning itself towards success.

As much fun as she’s having, Hogie admits that running a small business can be hard work. “Any small business owner will tell you that they spend extra time on their business only because they love what they do. I’m no different. The irregular income can be hard at the beginning,” she says.

“I’m currently working part-time, and I work on my

21

business 2-3 days a week. Most weeks I work 6 days.”

And there’s much more to her work than just dashing off pretty pictures. Just growing the business takes up a huge amount of her working week. “Only a small portion of my time is spent designing. The rest of the time I’m doing business-building activities. The funny thing is that I see myself as a business woman, not a fashion designer,” she says. The distinction is an important one. Finding gaps in the market, researching trends, and trying to turn her design ideas into something distinct and profitable are as much a part of her job description as dreaming up the pieces in the first place. “It’s really an educated guess,” she says of finding a niche for her designs. “I see what’s in the market now and develop it.”

But doesn’t the competitive nature of the field get to her at all? The fashion field in Canberra is small – places that stock local designers are few, and there are many people competing for a few lucky spots. “I think that if you have a unique product then you don’t really feel like you’re competing.”

There’s a picture of Jack Ziesing in the archives of the Australian Choreographic Centre. In the photo, the dancer’s body is superimposed against the sky. Behind him, power lines; below, the roof of a house.

His toes are pointed, arms extended.

The muscles of his body are tensed under his skin. It looks as though he has exploded into the atmosphere fuelled by determination alone. The image is an apt metaphor for this17-year-old, who has been dancing only since 2002. Despite the fact that he has had no formal training, Jack has propelled himself towards the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts (WAAPA) where, in February, he’ll begin a three-year Bachelor of Dance.

Jack Ziesing 22

Jack almost missed his calling as a 12-yearold kid when his mother first tried to get him involved in dance. “I was like, nah, screw that.

I’m not doing it,” he says, adding that the stigma attached to guys in dance was one he wasn’t willing to tangle with. But his turning point was a performance at the Playhouse

by Quantum Leap, the youth arm of the Australian Choreographic Centre. An all male performance, “This great sort of Tap Dogs, all guys sort of thing,” got him hooked. “It was just the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” he says. “The fact that males [could] get up on stage and have the courage to do that is pretty inspiring. And so the next year I picked up an application form [for Quantum Leap] and I’ve been with them ever since.”

In the last five years, Jack has been involved in some 20-25 performances with Quantum, moving from the junior ranks to become one of the company’s most senior male dancers.

The audition process for Quantum is somewhat atypical, in that dancers are not required to have formal training and qualifications before they begin. “You don’t have to have years and years of ballet or jazz,” Jack says. “You can be a karate master or a basketball player—I was a basketball player at the time,” he says. “They look for your style of movement, and they take you based on that.” This sort of approach—one that embraces the physicality of the dancers in countless forms—seems to suit Jack down to the ground.

“It’s pretty physical. I’ve had several injuries from overdoing things,” he says.

The whole boys-in-dance stereotype is obviously old news for Jack, who was the only male at his WAAPA auditions. He has clearly long-since dismissed his own discomfort with his chosen profession. “You meet all these people within dance who are just normal people. You have the biggest geeks or jocks or whatever and everyone’s just normal. They just like doing this one thing together. It’s like school, really. Just mates that you’re doing PE with.” But the jokes aren’t lost on him either. “[At school] you hear the footy blokes saying, ‘I totally took out a guy on the weekend in my tackles.’ And you can say, ‘Yeah? Well, I did five pirouettes on the weekend. Beat that.’”

He’s currently counting down the days until his February start at WAAPA next year, and with the big move comes a whole new wave of uncertainties. “It’s a competitive spot or career to be in. There’s not a lot of work around, and you have to be really careful in that if you do make a career out of it you have to really look after your body,” he says. For the most part, he’s trying to put it out of his mind. “I don’t want to have to think about money and how I’m going to be in five years’ time when it’s just what I want to do. I love dancing, and I just live in the moment to dance.”

But of all if it—the injuries, the uncertainties, the stereotypes—nothing compares to the terror of the WAAPA audition dress policy. “I had to wear tights,” he says, and laughs. “It was a little scary at first, but no one gave me crap about it.

So I was good.”

23

Margaret Ross

24

“From the outset my life was never going to be conventional,” Margaret Ross says. This young graphic designer, who now calls Canberra home, is living up to her words. At 21, she is working for the National Indigenous Times and has made a name for herself with her quirky style, taking out a 2007 Deadly Award as the Trainee/Apprentice of the Year.

Like everything else in her life, becoming a graphic designer wasn’t something Margy planned out. “I was initially resigned to becoming a struggling artist because, as a non-conformist teenager, I didn’t want a ‘real’ job,” she says. However, a surprise TAFE scholarship gave her the chance to reconsider her options. She began studying digital media, which led to a unit in graphic design, and a degree in Graphic Design at the University of Canberra soon followed. Lo and behold, Margy had found her niche.

The National Indigenous Times is her first official post as a graphic designer. “I believe the decision to hire me was based solely on Labor Pains,” she says, referring to a piece of work in which she placed Kim Beazley’s face on the body of a pregnant woman. Though the cover never went to print, the NIT staff were impressed by her irreverence and agreed to take her on as part of their staff.

The creative freedom her field and current job allow seem to sit well with Margy’s approach to art.

“For people who are generally artistic but aren’t necessarily very strong in a ‘high art’ [sense], there is a lot of room to move with graphic design,” she says. “That’s not to say that graphic design doesn’t require a higher register of creative skills, rather just a sensibility regarding space, shapes, colour and

composition.” Her superiors, she adds, “really let me go on some projects, and it’s a process where I am allowed to just consider a topic, research themes, and put any spin or apply any style I can think of to complement the concept.”

Working on an indigenous publication has also been satisfying in numerous ways. “In a sense I’m restricted by the events that are happening in indigenous affairs, but the issues directly affect my family and me and the work is close to my heart, so this isn’t usually a hindrance in the creative process,” she says. “Whatever I do, whether it looks like contemporary graphic design or a portrait in oil will always be indigenous because I am indigenous.

It doesn’t have to be dots or rahk or take place on bark—it’s who I am, it’s my history, and I couldn’t be more proud.”

That we can call Margy our own here in Canberra is due to a peculiar moment of luck.

“I went through a UAC guide and dropped a pen on the page. It landed on Canberra, so here I am today, one of the biggest changes of my life thus far decided by 13 centimetres of plastic and a bit of ink.”

Margy is excited about the possibilities here as a creative practitioner, and says that Canberra has a lot to offer. “Canberra is a rich, rich tapestry of history and creativity. The art that is being made here and that already exists is truly inspiring…everyone always makes the comparison to Melbourne and Sydney where the cuttingedge style of Australia is evolving, but their artist communities have the population and the support to develop [and] gain interest. Canberra is making its own way there. Just wait and see.”

25

relationships

Broken wing wing syndrome syndrome Broken I went out with a guy once who wanted to drive up the mountain and spend the evening looking out over the city lights, talking about ‘meaningful things’. Now, I’m not big on cheesy locations like lookouts, especially when everyone else up there was 17 years old and dry humping in the backs of their parents’ station wagons, but whatever. I was being open minded (this was only a phase, and a short one) and so I agreed to go with him.

Once we got up there we had an awkward conversation about nothing. Desperate to fill

the silence, I asked him about his family. He laughed and shook his head and stared off into the distance. “Everyone I’ve ever cared about has stabbed me in the back,” he said. “My family… we’re not close. I went through a depression.” He turned to me, lowering his eyes. “I’m still going through it.”

Freeze frame. This conversation falls into the category I like to title ‘Wow, That Was Really Lame’. But it also falls under the heading of ‘Because You’re A Chick You’re Going To Love The 26

by Petunia Brown Fact That I’m Damaged Goods’.

Ah yes. Some men are savvy like that. Many of them know that women often suffer from something I like to call ‘Broken Wing Syndrome’.

As in: if you’re damaged goods, we want to put you back together again. We want to know your secrets, to be your pillar of strength. You are, of course, much more interesting than the really well balanced guy who lives next door. He’s not going to collapse drunk on our doorstep and cling to our legs, weeping, “You’re the only one who’ll ever

shop 1, ground floor manuka court 11-17 bougainville st manuka act 2603 t > 02 6239 4225 m > 0431 372 956 •

•

understand me.” Therefore he is not exciting.

No no, with Broken Wing Syndrome we want to wipe your fevered brow, to dry those tears that no one else ever sees. We want to be there when you come home from getting so drunk that you eventually wet yourself because alcohol is the only way you can deal with your sad, sad life. We’ll ignore the fact that the entire situation is completely contrived and pretentious. Hell, we’ll even get in there and scrub your undies clean, because that, folks, is REAL LOVE. And therein lies the Great Relationship Myth: if it’s dirty/disgusting/tragic or broken in any way, it must be love.

A while ago, my brother’s girlfriend told him that their relationship hadn’t reached a truly intimate level because—wait for it—they’d never been sick in front of one another. Now, I don’t know about you, but I can do without that particular level of intimacy, just as I can do without any other public displays of excretion on the behalf of a partner. Shitting with the bathroom door open does not ensure that a relationship can withstand anything. But no, my brother’s girlfriend insisted that their relationship was not quite ‘real’ without vomit.

About a week ago they went out for drinks, and Girlfriend got so shitfaced that my brother had to carry her home. By the time they’d reached their apartment building she was telling him if he didn’t put her down she’d puke on him. My brother put her down in the stairwell where she eventually threw up and passed out. Are they closer now? No, because he, charmer that he is, left her unconscious on the stairs while he went off to get a felafel.

Which brings me back to my original point—for some reason, our concept of ‘real’ relationships (described with such embarrassing Hollywood adjectives as ‘gritty’ or ‘raw’) revolves around bullshit and drama—and vomit, if you’re my brother’s girlfriend. If nobody’s crying, then we’re not having fun, right girls? I went through this phase myself. When I eventually fell in love with a self-loathing agoraphobic midget who wouldn’t let me touch him unless I’d washed my hands, I realised I’d reached some sort of crisis point.

There’s something to be said for functional relationships. I even met someone who was in one once. She said it was great because the guy was really normal, really nice, and made her breakfast on Sundays. Of course, I doubt they’re still together. The fact that he could do his own tax return, change the bed-sheets and remember her birthday just made it too dull.

27

including

High Tea With Mrs Woo dogstar Obüs Munk Mild Red Rittenhouse Preston Zly shoes Nancybird bags

Innovative w omenswear and accessories

by Australian and Ne w Zealand designers

So you wanna be an Australian citizen?

Ha! Don’t go around thinking it’s easy.

We made a random selection from the government’s unofficial citizenship test question bag and put it to you at Floriade.

How many dinosaurs are there on the Australian flag?

How much do you hate cricket?

Chris and Zoe: There should be two. Carnivorous ones.

Jethro: So much! What’s with cricket?

How many beers does it take before it’s acceptable for a man to tell another man he loves him while singing the lyrics to Khe Sanh?

What should be Australia’s national robot?

Zachary: John Howard, but without his head. Yeah, a headless John Howard. He’d probably be just as annoying.

Andrew: I don’t know, I’m just a boring vegetarian.

If Raelene had twenty Winnie blues, and Noreen, Charlene and Irene all bummed a durrie, what suburb would you be in?

Katie: Oh my God, take your pick.

29

What does Australia say to violence against women?

Which Australian celebrity should be the next Prime Minister?

Tennyson: More?

Tatiana: There are Australian celebrities?

Bodyware Over 300 enthusiastic fashionistas packed the ANU School of Art Gallery on September 25 for Bodyware, a powerful collaboration between fashion boutique department of the exterior and students from the Gold and Silversmithing Workshop at the ANU School of Art. Being showcased was a new season of clothing by independent Australian and New Zealand designers, as well as contemporary jewellery designed specifically for the catwalk, made from materials including anodised aluminium, acrylic and rubber.

30

THe POlITICs of PoRn

by Claire Thompson

31

Walking into the Northside Studios, one of Canberra’s largest brothels, is…well, a bit like walking into my own lounge room. It’s 2.30 on a Thursday afternoon and a bit of home renovation is taking place—a ladder stands open in the reception room, drop sheets are littered around the place, and the smell of fresh paint permeates. “Come on in, just watch the door frames,” Bonnita Allen tells us.

“The paint’s still wet.”

This is my first time in a brothel. I don’t know what I was expecting. Not this, certainly—Allen, the manager, is decked out in paint splattered jeans and sneakers. She’s busting for a cigarette, and arrives in the back office with lighter and fag already in hand, fussing over a pile of stray clothes and bags that are heaped on the desk. A couple of the girls wander in and out, chattering and collecting their things. It seems not unlike any other workplace, except that here the product for sale is sex.

Stigma and stereotype cling to the adult industry in Australia like a limpet to a rock.

The idea of sex as a form of capital is one that makes many people uncomfortable, and yet here in Canberra, the industry is alive and well. In the industrial suburbs of Fyshwick and Mitchell there are around 20 legal brothels and a host of adult-oriented shops and warehouses selling everything from x-rated videos to edible undies. The contrast is fascinating. By day, Canberra operates under a squeaky clean public image, promoting a family-friendly lifestyle that has left it with the reputation of being a little bit sterile. By night it becomes the so-called sex capital of the country, taking care of the sexual well-being of an anonymous army. Those 20 brothels aren’t empty, and they’re not running at a loss. And yet, having successfully relegated all things sex to the outskirts of the city, most of us aren’t acknowledging the huge part this industry plays in the identity of our home.

What many people don’t know is that the sex industry in Australia is regulated and policed at state government level. Each state and territory operates under different laws, and it seems that Canberra is leading the pack in terms of clear legislation and industry standards. The ACT Prostitution Act 1992, which was amended in 2005, and the ACT Work Cover Code of Practice, are the main guidelines for the ACT. “A brothel can only operate in Fyshwick or Mitchell,” says Lexxie Jury, an education Officer for the Sex Workers’ Outreach Program (SWOP) ACT. “The classification of a brothel is two or more sex workers working from one premises. If you are a sole operator you can set up where you like.” All 32

brothels and private workers must register with the Department of Fair Trading, and according to Allen, the industry is policed enough that all the establishments currently open in the ACT are legal.

Saskia* is one of Allen’s Northside Studio girls. She’s somewhere in her 20s, with a cheery demeanour and an open, friendly face. She has worked in a number of states and territories in Australia, and says that Canberra compares well. “It’s a safe place to work. Management in Canberra tends to be a lot better. The laws here are fairly good for working girls compared to other states I’ve worked in [in] Australia,” Saskia says. “The clientele seem to be a bit nicer than other places like Sydney and Melbourne, because [Canberra]’s a smaller city.” Spot checks and audits keep the industry toeing the line, but also ensure a certain level of safety for the sex workers themselves. “Here, if you work in a brothel, you’re protected by the brothel management,” Allen says. “They’re going to take care of you. All brothels have to have systems in place with emergency buttons, intercoms, that sort of thing. You have to have security drivers, if you’re doing escort [services] – the security drivers have to check the house

“Politicians are reluctant to deal publicly with issues to do with sex work.” to make sure there are no other people, weapons or cameras lurking around. And the girl has to do a [sexual] health check [on the client], and it’s not until they’re both happy that the driver goes outside.” Drivers remain on the premises, whether they’re commercial or private, for the duration of the booking, and are close at hand in case of trouble. Most sex workers also carry personal alarms with them.

In addition to safety measures, there are a number of lobby groups at both state and federal level who liaise with governments to protect 33

“Canberra has a fairly unique industry.” the rights of adult industry workers. Many of these groups are based in Canberra or have branches or contacts in the ACT. The key players in the country are the Australian Sex Workers’ Association, also known as the Scarlet Alliance, whose main objective is to represent sex workers and sex worker organisations in Australia; the EROS Association, the industry association for adult retailers; and SWOP, whose main focus is education, disease prevention and support for industry workers. “Our primary purpose is the prevention of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through education and referral,” says Jury. “SWOP promotes sex work as a valid occupational choice. We also strive to protect workers’ rights, we provide referrals to other community based organisations, and we do outreach to the parlors in the ACT.” Adult workers do access the support networks provided to them. “SWOP are really good, they come through and they do open nights throughout the different brothels where you can get your sexual health checked. They provide information, condoms, support, and they have a counselling service if you need it,” Saskia says. “It’s a good support network just to ring and chat.”

The sex capital tag, then, may come down to issues of efficiency in terms of legislation, worker safety, accessibility and willingness on the part of industry management to toe the legal line, instead of being a question of size. Robbie Swan of the EROS Association says that history also plays a role: “It’s because in 1985 all states in Australia banned X-rated films after the premiers were lobbied hard by Fred Nile. The ACT didn’t have self government then, so Fred could only lobby the feds who had set up the X-rating and they weren’t about to change it here,” Swan says. “[So] the reason it’s called the sex capital is that we were the only real jurisdiction left that had X-rated films for sale.” Limiting the sex industry’s operations to Fyshwick and Mitchell creates a high concentration of adult services in these areas, but it’s generally agreed that Canberra isn’t home to the biggest adult industry in the country. “What I can say is that I think Canberra has a fairly unique industry. I don’t think the industry is particularly large for the number of people in the ACT,” says Janelle Fawkes, CEO of the Scarlet 34

Alliance. “I’d say it’s a little bit less active than some other states, [but] as far as the legislation in Canberra goes, you have a fairly good model of legislation, which does go some way to protect the occupational health and safety of workers. But it’s a fairly small industry, really.”

Regardless, the topic of sex in Canberra remains a political hot potato.

One could easily imagine that baby-kissing politicians and sex industry advocates might be on a permanent collision course. “Look, certainly there have been many examples around Australia where the sex industry has been used as a political football at election time,” Fawkes says. “Politicians are reluctant to deal publicly with issues to do with sex work, and sometimes are not inclined to see sex work as a job. SWOP believes that politicians sweep sex work under the carpet and that way they don’t have to deal with it,” Jury adds. However, away from the election limelight and the political make-nice-ing, there are those in the industry who say that adult industry advocates have a good working relationship with the local government.

“Here in the ACT? Really good,” Allen says. “A lot better than anywhere else in Australia. They’re trying to help us govern it. We want to govern it. When we wanted a Prostitution Act it was us who had to write it all up and table it and give it to them, and then sit and liaise with them for two years until it came into effect. When we wanted a code of practice with Work Cover it was us who had to liaise with them to do that, and again we sat on the board. There were quite a few sex industry representatives [there]. So they’re happy to work with us, and they’re happy to enforce it after we’ve got it all in place. Overall, they’re really good.”

Despite the positives, the sex industry in Canberra is still a giant pink elephant in the corner of the city. As a general rule the sex trade is still viewed as something shameful, degrading, even though a thriving industry attests to an obvious demand for these services. “The people who use the services of the sex industry don’t talk about it, and if they do it’s with a snigger,” says Jury. “Politicians and the general public often can’t get their head wrapped around the fact that sex work is just a job.”

Says Allen, “It’s an essential service, and I don’t see why people should be embarrassed about it.” That the general public is so dismissive of a service that many of them use seems hypocritical, to say the least. “[There’s] just a stigma attached that will probably never go away,” Saskia adds. “You can educate as much as you like, but people are probably always going to have this preconception in their heads that it’s dirty and it’s wrong and it’s horrible.

That’s just the way society is.”

“It’s an essential service, and I don’t see why people should be embarrassed about it.”

*not her real name 35

Customer disservice

by Charlie Big

Like many stories, this one starts with a tub of yoghurt.

“You right?”

This is how the lady at the counter greeted me, and so already we were off to a bad start. I’m sorry, but this is not a greeting. It’s just not. So when I decided to throw in a little fruit salad with my yoghurt, things got unnecessarily complicated. The yoghurt was $6.50, and the fruit salad was $5.50. As there was no listed pricing for my fruit and yoghurt combo, I assumed they’d split the difference. Instead they decided to randomly charge me $7.50. Seriously, does the strain of combining two foods in the one container really justify the extra dollar?

So when I handed over this fictitious amount to the woman, she accepted it with her gloved hand. Word of advice: if you’re in the food industry, when you’re handling said food, what’s the point of wearing 36

gloves if you’re just going to keep them on all day while you handle money, cough into your hand and stroke your oily hair?

If, however, your boss insists that you wear the same gloves all day, when you take that glove of yours and slap him in his stupid face, please, be sure to dispose of the glove afterwards.

In case you haven’t already gathered, I have no tolerance for average customer service. I just don’t. But there’s really no avoiding it. Therefore I feel it is my duty to educate those less fortunate Canberrans who pollute society with their lack of knowledge, hygiene and social skills. To give these incompetent human beings some semblance of common sense, we must first identify if YOU are one of them.

For starters, if I ask you a question about, say, what vegetables come with my dish, what the difference is between

argh!

these two printers, or what the price of this CD is, it’s probably not rhetorical. So don’t just stare at me blankly like I’m the moron. Here’s an idea: if you don’t know something— this generally seems to be the case with you— don’t insinuate that I’m the one at fault. Alternatively, don’t pretend to know, because when I come back to point out that I was in fact right, your ignorance will only shit me to tears. Find the answer.

That’s your job. I’m not saying the customer is always right. I’m just saying that I’m always right. Fact.

As a general rule of thumb, if you can complete an entire transaction without making eye contact with the person you’re ‘serving’, chances are this article is aimed at you. And I can say this without worrying that you’ll spit in my food next time I visit your sorry excuse for an establishment, because hey, you don’t even know what I look like!

If you’re packing my groceries, how’s about you don’t put the heaviest items on top of the softest, freshest bread that I just spent five minutes choosing. It’s really not that complicated. And when I point this out, don’t respond with, “I’m sorry, I’m like, just so illiterate.” While I appreciate the irony, the word you’re looking for is ‘incompetent’.

And don’t get me started on dodgy call centres. Too late. If you’re gonna keep me on hold for three centuries, how’s about you don’t accidentally hang up on me when I finally get through to you and your fake American accent—I know you’re in India, so don’t pretend your name’s Chad. Seriously, the difficulty I experienced with this certain ‘High Profile’ company’s outsourcing is so beyond ridiculous that by the time I finally got someone on the line, I assumed the role of ‘irate customer’ and opened with, “All I want is to have the fucking option 37

of printing on plain fucking white paper.

Simple fucking task! But after spending three weeks speaking to ELEVEN of the most incompetent members of this useless technical support team…”

Beep, beep, beep... Touché.

Finally, let’s say you’re working at a certain McFastFood restaurant. How hard could this, the simplest of jobs, possibly be?

All you need to do is remember to spit in my burger, drop it on the floor, and serve it to me cold and burnt. If you can’t get this right, odds are you’re going to fail at everything in life, so just give up now.

So please, if you happen to be one of the aforementioned, take note, because while I am not in favour of extreme utilitarian bioethics, I am however prepared to make exceptions in your case. So think twice next time you wanna charge me $7.50 for my yoghurt. Nuff said.

It s service

by Petunia Brown

I’ve been in customer service for a long time. I like it. I like people, generally speaking. I like to see my regular customers every day. I like to find out how they are, what’s new in their lives. This is why I stay in my job. However, I also deal with many people every day who are entirely lacking in social skills. If you ask me, the world would be a much nicer place if everyone was forced to spend at least two weeks behind the counter at Micky D’s.

Sort of like enforced military service, but with the objective of creating a friendlier and more sympathetic public.

You, as the customer, are not always right. If you have a genuine issue related to my place of work, then I will do everything in my power to fix it for you.

38

jerk

If, however, you’re simply looking to take your bad mood out on somebody, I will not be helpful. To the woman who came into the bakery where I used to work and demanded lamingtons: when I told you we didn’t make them, I was not just being difficult. I was telling you the truth.

You screaming in my face that you had purchased lamingtons at said bakery just a week earlier did not convince me that I was a total moron. No, it convinced me that you were a total moron. I work here full-time. I know what we sell. And now that you have been a screeching harpy in my general direction, I do not feel like helping you anymore. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Here’s where the confusion lies: I work

oh, shut up!

in the service industry. This does not make me your ‘servant’. This also does not automatically ensure that I will give a crap about all those things in your life that make you so angry and unpleasant. You see, your problems are your problems, and my problems are mine. If we can avoid taking said problems out on one another, the world will be a happier place.

For example: the other day, this woman who came running into the café where I work, pushed her way to the head of the queue and demanded to be served before everyone else because she was double parked outside. This is your problem. It is your problem if you have chosen to double-park. It is your problem if you are at risk of getting a parking ticket. It is not my

problem, nor is it the problem of any of the other people waiting patiently in line for their coffee—all of whom have parked correctly, paid for a ticket, and proceeded into an orderly manner to the counter.

It is not my problem if you want to bring your dog into the café when you come to order your latte. It is a health regulation that is outside of my control.

No, I don’t want to discuss it with you. I want you to get your dog out of my face.

(By the way, I just gave you decaf.)

It is not my problem if you don’t have correct change but don’t want to break your $20. I am not going to throw in that last 25 cents for you, especially since you’ve just screamed at me. In fact, I’m going to give you your change in the 39

smallest denominations possible. It is not my problem if you think I am uneducated just because I work in a bakery. I don’t really care what you think of me. PS—Being a trophy wife is also not a profession that requires a degree.

So heads up, people. It is my job to serve you. It is my job to make you your coffee, to take your money, to give you your change. It is not my job to like you (although sometimes I genuinely do). It is not my job to give a crap about the myriad of inane problems you seem to be beset by on a daily basis. Park your car. Buy your ticket. Tie up your dog. Get in the line. Say please and thank you, speak to me like I’m a human being, and everyone will have a pleasant day.

young (and) professional

Q&A onT&A Rena Sharma, owner of Esteem Cosmetic Studio, spoke with twenty600 about what it’s like to profit from people’s insecurities.

40

What’s involved in running a cosmetic surgery business?

A hell of a lot of hard work.

Do you think it’s right to promote cosmetic surgery?

Just what has caused cosmetic surgery’s rapidly increasing popularity? While TV has made the ‘extreme make-over’ look simple, the procedures are, like any other surgery, not without risk. So, either TV has successfully sold these procedures , or, one can admit that the psychology behind these voluntary decisions is so compelling that people are willing to have cosmetic surgery in the pursuit of happiness and self-fulfillment. So if the pursuit of happiness and self-fulfillment comes through cosmetic surgery, why wouldn’t it be right to promote it?

Isn’t there still a stigma associated with cosmetic improvement?

You make cosmetic surgery sound really taboo, but you have to understand that there’s a vast economy around cosmetics and cosmetic surgery, but only a handful of changes are socially acceptable in Australia.

Define ‘acceptable’.

There are things you’d talk about openly at work, like going to the dentist to get your teeth cleaned. For most procedures, even the most popular ones, many people pretend that didn’t do it.

So that in a way is kind of sad but I have a series of campaigns planned to change that view. So in Canberra, my mission is to democratise cosmetic surgery in the mainstream.

Do you think that cosmetic procedures really impact upon self-esteem?

Absolutely. Body image dissatisfaction is often associated with decreased self-esteem. Emotional and psychological issues cause some people to turn to cosmetic surgery. However, women and men who are happy with their overall appearance but who seek cosmetic surgery to alter just one aspect of their body often find 41

that cosmetic surgery meets their physical and emotional needs.

The key is to stay realistic about your expectations.

So you’re profiting from people’s insecurities or issues of selfesteem?

I view a cosmetic surgeon the same way as a fashion designer, a gym owner or a hair stylist might. We’re all in the business of making people feel good about themselves.

What’s the youngest patient you’ve had in your clinic?

19. She had her ear pinned back.

Do you think it’s appropriate for teens to undergo elective cosmetic surgery?

I personally believe that surgically altering the body for cosmetic reasons should only be undertaken for clear and justifiable reasons. In extreme situations where the size or shape of the nose or ears is really affecting a child’s self-image, I believe surgery may be an appropriate thing to do. But in teenagers who are 15 or 16, in my mind, breast implants have no place whatsoever.

The need for surgery must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis because children mature physically and emotionally at varying rates. The first step is for the surgeon and the psychologist to find out why a child or teenager wants surgery. If a clinic doesn’t do that it’s obvious they’re all about the money. And in my view, wanting to look like a celebrity is not a healthy motivation. Nor is a desire to relieve some deep-rooted psychological problem.

Have you had any cosmetic treatments yourself?

Yes, liposuction. But I’m far too lazy to adhere to the postoperative instructions!

Do you have a medical background?

No. I’m a marketing communication specialist.

So what qualifies a marketing specialist to run a cosmetic surgery business?

Cosmetic surgery is like many other businesses. Marketing is

young (and) professional

absolutely vital and I believe I’m proving that. You can be the best surgeon in the world, but if no one knows about you, who the hell really cares? I’m the link between the public and the surgeon. I let the surgeons do what they do best and I concentrate on bringing patients through the door.

How did you end up owning the business?

Before buying the business, I was a marketing communications consultant for Dr Jorge Lopez, a cosmetic surgeon in Canberra. He had done very little surgery in the Canberra region. Through a series of aggressive, specialised and stand out marketing campaigns, I turned his business around by over 1000% percent. In comparison to other clinics or beauty salons, I can honestly say they are 10 years behind me in their marketing efforts.

So what is it that makes Esteem Cosmetic Studio different?

We tell it like it is.

So do you believe you’re successful?

Well as we speak, I have a surgeon who has a full day of consults, and two surgeons in theatres performing full lists of surgeries. But more importantly, I enjoy what I do. The business is growing, and I’m still learning. There are many challenges ahead, but I’m having a ball. The potential is enormous, so in my mind, yes, I am successful.

What advice would you offer to others who are interested in establishing their own business?

Throughout my life I have always strived for success. My version of the truth to the road of success is the following: have faith in yourself, believe that anything can be done, don’t be afraid of stepping on toes and never give up. People will always try to talk you out of ideas and say it can’t be done, but if you have faith in yourself you’ll find you can achieve almost anything. Finally, you must have passion for what you do—this is the greatest key to success.

42

Fokpz!pvs!cpvujrvf! tbmpo!xjui!uif!mbuftu!! jo!tpmbsjvn!boe!! tvomftt!ufdiopmphz!! boe!qspevdut Qspgfttjpobm-!! dpogjefou!uboojoh!! boe!cfbvuz!tqfdjbmjtu

9N ;JAA 7D 6C HEG6N I 9 BDC"L:

-0

I:A +'.*.'*'

H]de '& I]Z IZggVXZ BVcj`V llll#WgdcoZhdaVg^jb#Xdb#Vj

little bits IT’S OUR FIRST ISSUE, SO WE ASKED OUR WRITERS ABOUT THEIR FIRST TIMES.

my god, was that sexual? Did you like that?” We all stared at her. She giggled and waved her cigarette around and said, “Sorry, I’m just a bit craaaaazy, you know?” Actually, we didn’t know. You see, Cindi didn’t come across as ‘craaaazy’—she just came across as a moronic bitch. Which is why I don’t bother with natty self-descriptors. If you’re a complete idiot it’s going to shine through.

The first time PETUNIA BROWN used the word ‘spiritual’ to describe herself.

See, there was no first time. I have not had any use for the word, not being a complete wanker. I also have no use for words such as ‘existentialist’, ‘post-modern’, ‘spontaneous’, or any of the other pretentious descriptors people use for themselves and their feelings. I mean really, come on. If you tell me you’re a ‘deeply spiritual person’ do you really think I’m going to marvel at your depth and wisdom?

Example: The other night some friends and I met Cindi at a downtown bar. None of us had met Cindi before apart from our mate Jackie, who had the misfortune of working with her. So Cindi rolled up to our table, did the necessary squealing of hellos at Jackie, and then proceeded to burp square in my friend Justin’s face. Conversation ceased. Cindi laughed hysterically and said, “Oh

The first time MARK RUSSELL feared death.

Nearing the end of my ten-day Dublin visit, I was becoming truly sick of my accent. Asking for a good pub meant I was inevitably directed towards the tourist district—a guarantee to pay extra for a cheesy knock-off of Irish life. With my patience wearing thin, I finally had an exchange that restored 44

my faith in the Aussie drawl.

“Australian?” bellowed the clothing store security guard whose handlebar moustache was the only thing separating him from an extra in Romper Stomper. He proceeded to tell me about the violence, training, drinking and more violence he’d undertaken with the SAS in Perth, and said, “You guys are crazy fockers.” I nodded, mouth welded shut by fear.

Minutes later, following his directions down a dark alley, I edged beneath a wooden beam with ‘I.R.A.’ carved into one section, and ‘Orangemen must die’ written in biro on another. Sitting down to a pint, I wondered how many of the people in the bar could put a car bomb together blindfolded.

Suddenly, a gigantic hand grabbed my shoulder, nearly causing the loss of the Guinness both from my glass and my bladder. The barman loomed over me… then smiled, “What’s wrong there, son?”

By the time my pulse-rate had returned to normal I was drinking my way towards one of the finest nights of my life. At one stage a local announced a desire to stab the Englishman I was talking to, but I bought him a drink and bloodshed was avoided.

eagerness, I had overlooked one tiny, devastating detail: turning it on. Every writer has a single defining moment, one that shapes the course of their career: this, unfortunately, was mine.

The first time BROOKE DAVIS realised she had no affinity for technology.

“Um, so did you get up to watch the soccer final?” This is what I actually said to Ben Elton: comic genius, writer of The Young Ones and Blackadder, bestselling novelist of Stark and Popcorn, a creator of cult figures and, surely, a cult figure in his own right.

I was mortified: my first big interview at my new job and it appeared I’d developed an inability to form articulate sentences. I tried the shut-the-hellup-and-let-him-talk approach, and slowly – with a certain clumsy grace – I recovered. By the end, we were sharing sparkling anecdotes and clinking glasses of champagne. Having said our goodbyes, I sighed with relief. The interview was fantastic. Ben was hilarious. My article would win prizes.

However, after much panicky fiddling with a certain tape recorder, I grimly realised that, in my

NICK ELLIS’ first radio.

If I had to illustrate the desolation of a postapocalyptic world, the creepiest thing I could think of would be nothing on the radio. Entire bands of static.

Not the most original idea, but possibly one of the most effective.

Internet pages can sit for months without update, chat rooms can be empty and no one suspects zombie plague or ebola. Television is almost entirely pre-recorded. And as the late 45

Burgess Meredith would tell you, libraries are just as useful if the rest of the world is dead, so long as you don’t break your glasses.

Radio is someone talking to you. Radio can be other things; music, pre-recorded documentaries, advertisements for ninjas, but if you look for it, you’ll almost always be able to find someone talking. To you.

My Pop gave me my first radio for my tenth birthday. It was a red portable transistor with an internal speaker. Had a black cord that you could slip around your wrist. It was AM only.

Prior to turning ten, nights were all but postapocalyptic. Everyone else was either having fun without me or dead, which at the time seemed equally devastating. My first radio was a voice.

Talking. To me.

CHARLIE BIG was only seven years old when he smoked his first cigarette.

No, I wasn’t a little bad-arse, I just have the world’s stupidest older brother. Come to think of it, he was responsible for quite a few of my firsts.

Like the first time I had a stripper’s snatch thrust in my face only a few years later. Or the first time I was stabbed under the eye with one of them pointy triangle ruler things, which hurt like hell when the tears got in the cut. And then with the pain came more tears, and with the tears more pain, and so on... And let’s not forget the first time I drove my fist through a wall—ah, those were the teen-angst days. But he somewhat made up for it all last year when I was sent to prison for a murder I didn’t commit, and he came to my rescue by imprisoning himself too so that he could then break me out…

Genius! One might even call this plan a ‘prison break’. At least that’s what I believe any real brother would do.

46

The first useful piece of advice on how to get through a workday SARAH HART ever received.

My friend hands this little nugget of advice out to whoever will listen—“Crap at work,” he’ll say, excitedly. “As often as you can. Then, you’re getting paid to crap. Think about it!” Indeed. Despite myself, I have actually worked out how much moulah my loo time is worth (go on, admit it—who’s reaching for the calculator?). ‘Bout two bucks a go. That’s pretty sweet. I get all these revolting uplifting emails at work about how angels are standing over me and I should appreciate the little things and find joy in pictures of morbidly obese babies in watering cans (and send this email on to at least ten people or get hacked up by Ivan Milat at 9.12am tomorrow), and you know what? Not one of them has given me the smallest fraction of the contentment I feel when I think that, at some stage today, I’m probably going to be paid to poo.

So ignore all the well-meant advice about how to improve the workaday experience, all those lame strategies to do with improving your skills base and bonding with your team and exceeding KPIs blah de blah. When you’re sitting there feeling all depressed and worthless, just remember that someone is prepared to give you actual real money to push one out.

Most of us like to think there’s a thespian inside us—unfortunately, most of us can be a little deluded at times. But if you insist that acting is your passion, your dream, your calling, or any number of other clichés, then here’s Charlie Big’s quick guide to bringing you one step closer to your 15 minutes.

47

Like most actors, I’m one to brag. And I’ve earned said right by doing my fair share of acting, from film to stage. So if you’re going to make it big, here’s what you’ll need to know.

Reality check When you’re starting out, most of the acting you’re going to be seeking isn’t going to pay.

So the sooner you realise that agents will have very little interest in you unless you’ve had some substantial acting experience, the sooner you’ll be rubbing shoulders with the best of them. Sure, you’ll hear about the occasional nobody plucked from obscurity (see recent examples Nicky Blonsky and Christopher Mintz-Plasse), but actors who simply bypass these preliminary stages are what we in the industry like to refer to as ‘bastards’.

Getting started If overacting is your thing, two theatre websites I recommend you take a look at are offprompt. stagecraft.cx and groups.msn.com/CanberraMus icalTheatreScene, both of which will keep you up to date with local auditions and performances.

You’ll find there are an abundance of musicals plaguing Canberra – this can be a good thing (bigger casts equal more opportunities). But just like that first shower you shared with your mate after gym class, musicals are something you know you shouldn’t be enjoying, but still, you can’t resist their allure. Not to mention they’re also are a great way of improving your acting, singing, dancing, confidence and arrogance, all of which a great actor must possess.

48

If film is more your cup of tea, eormedia. com.au is a good place to start. These guys produce some quality stuff. They also publish Canberra Film Files, a free monthly e-newsletter that keeps you up to date with everything filmrelated in Canberra, including screenings, funding opportunities, festivals, workshops, and more importantly, auditions.

There are plenty of other avenues to explore, like starnow.com.au, quietonset.com.au and theauditionroom.com.au but many of these require joining fees, and again, don’t expect an overwhelming response if you’re new to the scene. Your best bet is to build your networks, and eventually the opportunities will find you.

Whore it up You’ve heard this before, but I’m going to have to make sure you realise the importance of it. It’s not what you know, it’s who you know – or in some cases it’s who you do. So get yourself to film screenings and opening nights. You’re an actor, so you shouldn’t have a problem striking up conversations with strangers. You never know, the person you end up talking to might know a guy who knows a guy. So get out there and make yourself known – but don’t be annoying.

Create your own opportunities Before you go shooting your own film, don’t.

There’s nothing worse than seeing an actor trying to write (note the emphasis on ‘trying’. If you’re multi-talented like myself, then by all means, write away). If you can’t write, find someone who can.

If you don’t know the first thing about shooting, then get yourself someone who does. Short film competitions are a great means of exposure.

There are plenty that don’t require entry fees, from the Canberra Short Film Festival to the

mother of them all, Tropfest, which despite being the largest short film festival in the world, has been screening some abysmal work these past few years.

Auditions So you’ve managed to land yourself an audition. Nice work, hot shot.

First thing I’d suggest is familiarising yourself not only with the excerpt you’ve been asked to prepare, but also the entire script if possible. It really helps to get an idea of the story and the character you’re going for. Like the old cliché, it’s good to know your character’s motivation.

Make sure you learn the piece. Nobody wants to watch someone read. And if you can’t remember your lines in time, then I’m afraid you’re not cut out for this.

Once you’ve got your script down, try delivering it a few different ways, because chances are this will be asked of you during the audition.

Perform the piece to some friends, and get them to throw some suggestions your way. If you can’t take direction, give up now.

Don’t be surprised if you’re asked to cold read. Why directors think your literacy has anything to do with your acting abilities is a mystery, but them’s the rules.

If there’s singing required, you’ll be expected to provide sheet music. A word of warning: some audition pianists are hopeless when it comes to sight-reading, so don’t be thrown if the music they attempt to play doesn’t even vaguely resemble the song you’re singing. Your best bet is to find an alternative: sing a Capella, bring your own pianist or have a backing tape ready.

Learn to take rejection In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already 49

spent a good deal of time discouraging you from pursuing acting. Get used to it.

In an industry that’s predominantly based on looks, you’re going to have a lot of people telling you that you’re too short, too fat or too ugly. Or sometimes you’re ‘just not what we’re looking for’. Get over it, because if you take rejection personally, you’re going to struggle.

You’ll also get a number of bad reviews, which you can deal with in two ways: take the criticism constructively and use it to improve your craft, or dwell on it. You should opt for the former, because in most cases, bad reviews of good performances are generally written by cynical old has-beens who have clearly missed the point.

The elusive agent So you’ve finally scored a lead role. Well then, you better let people know about it. This will test how serious you are about your acting career. Generally, agents won’t come to see something if it’s quite amateur, so wait until you’re in something of note. Also, because you’re in Canberra, and they’re most probably in Sydney or Melbourne, they’re not only going to expect complimentary tickets to the show, but you’re also going to have to fork out for their plane tickets. So make sure you’re as good as you think you are, because the last thing you want is to give someone else’s career the boost you’re after.

Hollywood So you’ve finally made it. I honestly didn’t think you would. Kudos to you.

One last thing. Now that you’re a big star and all, don’t forget about your old pal Charlie who helped launch your career.

See you on the red carpet.

books

Some people don’t read at all. I know! Mentals. But it’s not for me to judge the ignorant. So in an effort to be inclusive, these books have been selected because they also have a film incarnation. If you’re basically a non-reader but find yourself intrigued by the awesome snippets of story brought to you below, you can still march down the video shop (or the cinema) and get the general gist of it. For everyone else, read on… and on and on.

Nick Hornby About a Boy Innocent young boy mooches through the city touching the hearts of cynical strangers, spreading love and healing in his wake. I don’t blame you for wanting to throw up—I already did, just a little bit, while writing it. Nonetheless, the above is the actual plot of About a Boy. You can dress it up with swearwords and a suicide attempt, but what the story boils down to is little weirdo Marcus spreading the good word (that’s love, not the other good word) through a heap of dysfunctional adults.

You might gather from all this that I didn’t like the book. You would be wrong. I did like it. It’s not very cool of me, but I like optimistic stories where no one overdoses in a crack house toilet or gets fiddled with by a psychotic gym teacher. Nick Hornby’s good at stories like that. His characters are real (but not boring real), funny (but not lame

funny) and they swear a lot (come on, we all know skilful swearing adds to a narrative).

What’s kind of ironic is that I always like the films of Nick Hornby’s books better than the books themselves. High Fidelity is one of my favourite films, and About a Boy is pretty good too. Hugh Grant is tops (and not even annoying) as Will the Guy Who Doesn’t Do Anything, Toni Collette is great as Fiona, whose hippy ethos and suicidal depression is wrecking her son’s chance to be normal and Nicholas Hoult as Marcus is suitably odd and convincing. What’s more, he manages to avoid the child star’s kiss of death—being cute.

The movie is just like the book, but funnier with better-looking people in it. I’d recommend everyone bust out and read the book, because I’m a big believer in the intrinsic worth of reading, but to be honest it’ll probably only make you want to see the movie again. Keep it in mind for camping or plane trips.

50

Alison Hoffman Practical Magic Growing up and getting a normal life can be extra difficult if your only living relatives are two old crones who do nasty things to doves in the name of love, grow deadly nightshade in place of broad beans and maintain a brood of ink black kitties. In Alice Hoffman’s Practical Magic, Sally and Gillian cope as best they can with their Aunts’ antisocial witchy ways, mostly by trying to pretend nothing untoward is happening.

Unfortunately for them, bottling things up well into adulthood proves to be a pretty ineffective coping mechanism. Tricky situations ensue. You need to be careful about things like falling in love and getting revenge if your fears and emotions tend to materialise in your surroundings—killing a lover, for example, may result in an overabundance of creepy, attention-seeking vegetation shooting out of his shallow grave. How the sisters deal with

by Sarah Hart

the consequences of repressing their birthright makes for a fascinating, and, yes, magical read.

Practical Magic was made into a film starring Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock some years ago. My verdict—yeah, I liked it. It was fun. Go rent it, though be warned it’s no Witches of Eastwick.

But the book, now the book I recommend, with bells on. Hoffman is someone who, a bit like Jeanette Winterson, knows how easy it is for things to boil over; who knows how much we all want to see our inner turmoil externalised; who knows that a look can change a person’s world, or desire wreck a life. She’s also someone who knows that a ring is more sinister if it’s spat out of a toad’s mouth, and that’s the sort of perception I like in an author.

Nicole et al did a good job of Hollywoodising the story for the screen, but, at the risk of sounding like Captain Obvious, movies just aren’t a substitute for words, especially when the words are as good as Hoffman’s. Practical Magic is sexy, tense and

haunting, with a pace that’ll have you turning the pages long into the night.

Philip Pullman Northern Lights You can’t talk about fantasy fiction these days without using the “H” word, followed shortly by the “P” word. Harry Ubiquitous Potter. Well, I’m here to burst the HP bubble and tell you that the best in modern all-ages fantasy is not a grumpy teenage wizard with plot-I-mean-girl problems—it’s Philip Pullman and the His Dark Materials trilogy.

The first book in the trilogy, Northern Lights, opens with young Lyra Belaqua discovering that the ideological clash between Science and the Church is about to impact on her hitherto carefree life in ways she never could have imagined. It turns out the Church has a very nasty plan in mind for her and her pals, and unless Lyra gets to the bottom of it fairly rapidly, she’ll suffer a fate worse than death.

51

I’m not going to tell you the plan, because the way it unfolds is too good to spoil. I can say it involves daemons, ice, scary, scary grownups, love, loss, alternative universes and lots more ice.

Pullman’s parallel world is created with as much care and consistency as Tolkein’s forensically realised Middle Earth, and he adds a chilling modern edge by making organised religion his big villain. Lyra herself is a heroine’s heroine – brave, complex, strong and about a thousand times less lame than Harry Potter.

The trilogy is dark, subtle and beautiful, and it will stay with you forever. Put simply, it’s the finest thing to happen to fantasy since C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien. In fact, if C. S. and J. R. R. had had the opportunity to make sweet alphabet soup together, I’m betting the offspring would be P. P. The movie of the first book, hitting the screen soon as The Golden Compass, looks like it’s going to be awesome too, but take my advice—read the book first.

the films of summer 2007/’08

starring Mark Russell

This summer marks a slight change to form for the Hollywood hype-machine, with boxing-day in particular being a much more low-key affair than usual. National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Nic Cage’s second attempt to squeeze into Lara Croft’s hotpants, is out a week before Christmas, leaving the traditional action niche relatively unfulfilled. Alien Vs Predator 2—yep, you read it right— seems to be the only thing offering mindless eye candy. The real push for box office takings is split into two categories: a family race and an adult one.

The battle for good, wholesome bucks will feature Enchanted, the very talented Amy Adams and the somewhat passable Patrick Dempsey in a naff sounding story about a princess being banished from her fairy tale world into ours. The other option for holidaying children will be The Golden Compass. This film offers Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig in a fantasy world stocked with human souls manifested as animals. Extravagant special effects and costuming mean that Compass is one of the few instances where Tinseltown is showing it can still spend money around this time.

52

Atonement, James McAvoy and Keira Knightley in an adaptation of an Ian McEwan novel, is the first of the summer adult offerings. This will be matched up against the wild card I’m Not There in which auteur Todd Haynes has assembled a diverse cast of A-list actors to portray moments in Bob Dylan’s life. A curious twist to this already interesting premise sees Cate Blanchett play one of the Dylans.

January kicks into gear with I Am Legend, a horror scifi starring Will Smith as the last man on earth. With Smith headlining, and Akiva Goldsman co-writing and producing, this will be a big drawcard to the box office in the new year.

It will undoubtedly provide more proof that, though he can’t weigh in with the big boys as far as powerhouse dramatic performances go, Smith’s role choices and the spacing out of his films make him one of the smarter men playing the fame game.

Another one to watch for early on in 2008 is American Gangster. This sees Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe together again following the epic success of Gladiator, and vague indifference of A Good Year. Denzel Washington joins the pair as they attempt to bring the gangsters of ‘70s Harlem to our screens. Trouble has circled, vulture-like, since production was green-lit, then halted, then restarted; but a good bit of favourable buzz is building up as it approaches wide release.

The February flag is being waved by another Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig collaboration in The Invasion. A remake of Body Snatchers, Craig and Kidman work to fight against an alien epidemic.

Locally, Canberrans are also in line for a treat with outdoor summer screenings and a plethora of short film festivals. Late Feb will also see Tropfest returning to Stage 88. Despite the bad weather and mixed quality of entrants which seem to haunt this event, it really is a great way to see Canberra’s film lovers out in force.

53

live stuff

Didn’t get along to see anything good this spring? Let Charlie Big fill you in on what you might have missed.

Love Puke @ The Street Theatre Oh. Dear. God. What was that?

This is exactly what went through my head seconds after Love Puke had finished.

Playing at the Street Theatre, Duncan Sarkies’s play about sex, argument, argument, makeup, sex, argument, and more argument, is one of the funniest things I’ve seen on the local stage in a long time.

The play opens with a lanky man—think Elvis Costello’s anorexic younger brother— dancing ‘sexily’ across the stage to Bowie’s Golden Years. Things only get weirder from this point.

We establish three relationships, all destined to follow one path—doom. Our cynical narrator, the dancing Costello impersonator, believes that love is not a roller coaster ride; it’s a precipice.

One couple nervously dance around the subject of possibly, maybe, you know, going out, while another get right to the point, simply asking, “You wanna fuck?”

Our couples get straight to sex, soon followed by their first argument, which, needless to say, resolves in more sex—for our narrator, this equates to a night alone masturbating. What ensues is many more break-ups, make-ups, and of course, a whole lot of sex.

Adding to the madness is an odd woman 54

whose randomly inserted constipation monologues do nothing to further the story, but provide comic relief from the comedy.

Eventually the couples, the odd woman and our narrator’s stories all interact, thankfully not in a convoluted manner.

This play is ridden with clichés, but it’s the intentional play on these clichés that works in its favour. We even have a scene in which the characters narrate the scene they’re in, describing their emotions through dialogue.

This piece proves that a good script, a talented cast and creative directing can be more impressive than any big budget, overpriced wank.

Love Puke is a witty, irreverent, and outright disgusting piece. I thoroughly recommend it.

Kid Confucius @ Transit Bar The only thing I love more than live music is FREE live music. And Transit Bar offers just that, drawing in big names like Kid Confucius, a tighter outfit than you’d see on an emo in Garema Place.

When I first discovered these guys, I thought they were the shit. With great production on their studio tracks, this soul/hiphop/funk group impressed me with a sound unlike any other Australian act. I didn’t think there was much more they could to earn any further admiration. That was until I saw them live.

This versatile eight-piece from Sydney ticks all the boxes, giving you everything you’d want in a band and more. Backed by a talented bunch of musos on keys, sax, percussion and more, you’ve got frontman Rob Hezkial with his amazing vocal range; from his resonant tones to his soulful falsetto, and all-round talent Andrew Guirguis mixing things up with some tasty rhymes. Kid Confucius are a diverse bunch who can not only write a great tune, but really know how to get a crowd pumping.

Why anyone would want to be anywhere else on a Saturday night is beyond me.

55

the sounds of spring ‘07 with Charlie Big

James Blunt All the Lost Souls

When James Blunt came out with Back to Bedlam, I thought he was just about the best thing ever. That is until commercial radio got a hold of him. The songs that once wrenched my heart soon began to rub me the wrong way. And so what was shaping up to be my favourite album of the year turned out to be one of the most irritating. I’m not saying James Blunt is a sell-out. I hate that term. I mean, a brother’s got to sell records, right?

I’m just saying that you can have too much of a good thing. Besides, I don’t think that songs like Goodbye my Lover and No Bravery belong on the radio. They were my special songs, and sharing them with the masses seems to cheapen an experience that once felt like it was reserved for me alone.

But back to the matter at hand: All the Lost Souls, Blunt’s follow up studio album. One thing that hasn’t changed 56

is that this man truly means every word he sings. The first single, 1973, takes a few listens before you warm to it, but then tracks like I Really Want You and I’ll Take Everything really make this album worth mentioning in your next letter to grandma.

While it’s no Back to Bedlam, it’ll really grow on you after just a few listens. Let’s just hope we don’t have to listen to it excessively.

Kisschasy Hymns for the Nonbeliever

After the huge success of their debut album, United Paper People, the boys from somewhere or other are back with Hymns for the Nonbeliever.

Darren Cordeux’s vocals are… (opens thesaurus and looks up synonyms for ‘awesome’) awe-inspiring. The band’s powerful something is full of some sort of adjective…whatever.

Nobody talks like this. Let me skip the formalities and just give it to you straight up. This album is seriously

awesome. Even my mate Funkybunch likes it, and he’s usually got heaps bad taste. Every track is a gem, so just buy it already.

After a string of forgettable Pearl Jam albums, it looks like Eddie Vedder had to ditch the jam to find the pearl (I’ve been waiting to use that line for years!). The soundtrack to Sean Penn’s sorry-arse film, Into the Wild, this is a departure from Pearl Jam, and a journey into the world of folky ditties and acousticy goodness.

This album’s only downfall is its measly running time. With barely half an hour’s worth of music, Eddie actually sings the last song twice, humming the melody the second time around. Methinks Mr Vedder needs to head on down to Lincraft to get himself some new material.

erm, my friend’s phone calls. So what does any of this have to do with this album? Well, Zac has finally stepped up as lead vocalist on The Walk, making it Hanson’s best work to date.

Now before you get your hopes up, I’m sorry, but despite Hanson’s huge commercial success, this album isn’t exactly available in Australia.

My friend had to pay a ridiculous amount to acquire this special imported edition, and if you’re not too embarrassed to admit that Hanson are actually quite talented, I highly recommend you do the same.

The standout tracks include Great Divide, a solid rock number with a killer riff, Go, the first international single from the album, and the title track, my personal favourite, which sees Zac displaying some beautiful vocals.

So shed your preconceptions of the boys who brought you MMMBop, and listen up, because these men are back with a mature sound… And a sexy frontman.

Hanson The Walk

Motion Picture Soundtrack Hairspray

Let me tell you a little story about a friend of mine. He was engaged to a beautiful girl. They were going to have 2.5 children and a dog named Baxter.

That is until my friend discovered Zac Hanson. He’s gay now. My friend, that is. Not Zac. No, Zac’s a dirty little hetero who won’t return any of my…

This remake of Hairspray is all about the cast.

Among the huge list of singing celebs, the name on everyone’s lips is Nikki Blonsky, the newcomer who stands out with her big… erm, vocals.

And get this. High School Musical teen pinup Zac Efron is more than

Eddie Vedder Into the Wild

than ks JB H to the g i-Fi W u oden ys at

just a pretty face. He’s actually a great singer. Really.

Now is it just me, or is John Travolta’s performance a tad overrated? I mean, nothing against the guy, but it’s not like this is the first time a man’s ever dressed as a woman. So quit treating it like it’s some huge novelty, already.

And what about James Marsden?

Who knew Cyclops could sing?

As for Michelle Pfeiffer, the woman’s almost 50 and she’s still stunning. It’s just not right that she can sing, too. She should be content with her beauty, and give some of her talent to the less fortunate uggos.

Now what’s the deal with Queen 57

Latifah? Is that really what her friends call her? Queen? What’s wrong with a normal name, like Dana? That’s right, Queen, I googled your arse.

And then there’s Christopher Walken. Quite simply, the man can do no wrong.

As for the soundtrack itself, this is one you’ll want to add to your collection.

And if you’re after an actual review, well I’m sorry, but you’ve clearly picked up the wrong mag. That is all.

celebrity chef

diary cookbook of a rising star:

by Gerald Gaiman

58

I was chillaxing the other day at the Manuka ‘Bucks with my good brother, Charlie B, when he said, “Man, why you back in Chodesville when you could be knee bracing the West Coast?”

I replied, “Settle, hustler. The Life got heavy for The G-man. Needed touch time, get re-friendly with my roots. A little amateur musical theatre, some voice over for the local airwaves. Anyway, I don’t really like Perth.”

A fine young hunny then slid on over and was all, “Excuse me, can I get your signature?”

This happens all the time: restaurants, cafés, even shopping. I don’t mind too much; who can blame the publicans for wanting my mark?

What does get me though is the cynical, money hungry nature of modern autograph hunters. I always ask who I should make it out to, and more often than not the answer will be, “Just a signature, thanks,” or, “What? Who’s Gerald Gay Man?”– you see, it’s easier to sell on eBay if the slip of paper doesn’t say, ‘To Fergus, best of luck’. More often than not, they even ask to see identification or a credit card, presumably to check it’s really me, and not a grubby lookalike.

So after CB had tried to get digits from Autograph Girly (sometimes I wish he wouldn’t, but hey, you can’t butter your bread on both sides), he laid a big one on me: “Gerald, why don’t you do a celebrity cooking column for this new magazine I’m writing for?”

At first I said no. I mean, where would I find the

time? I had at least three more Allens catalogues coming up, and the amateur production of Three Men and a Little Lady was something I really wanted to focus on (I find theatre so much more challenging, creatively).

But then I thought, why not? Why not connect with the real fans, show them a piece of me I thought was special. On one condition— “It’s gotta be for free. Don’t pay me and don’t make the readers pay.”

C-Biggy was straight away all up ons. “Boo, you trippin’!”

But I held my ground. I didn’t get into this for the money.

So here it is. Don’t thank me, I’m sure you would have paid seven ninety nine to read what I get my chef to make, but we celebrities should remember who we’re doing this for.

Organic, gluten free, decaf, vegan, peanut free, dairy free, free range, cruelty free, free trade, organic apple crumble (with semi dried grapes).

My organic apple crumble is made of two parts: organic apple and organic crumble. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 180 degrees in the old Celsius.

Organic apple: - 850 g of peeled, chopped, organic, Granny Smith apples

- 2 tbsp of organic, free trade sugar - 1 scoop of organic, semi dried grapes (you can find these at any market, usually called ‘sultanas’) Place the organic apples in a saucepan and cover them (only just) in spring water (I use Perrier that I’ve let go flat). Add organic sugar and stew the apples until they’re half cooked but still firm. Place the apples in a round, ceramic baking dish (I picked up a great one in Milan) and sprinkle the semi dried grapes over the top.

Organic crumble: - 1 cup free range desecrated coconut - 1 cup crushed gluten free cereal (Rice Bubbles, Corn Flakes or Jimmy’s Gluten Free Muesli will all work) - 1 tsp of mixed, peanut free spice - ¾ cup of cruelty free brown sugar - 50 to 100g of olive oil based spread (dairy free butter can be substituted here, although I always have trouble finding it) - ½ cup gluten free self raising flour Mix all ingredients in a mixing bowl—I use a mixing spoon. Melt the margarine/butter/ cholesterol free spread and mix through the ingredients.

Put the crumble over the apple that is in the Milanese baking dish. Toast in the oven for 15 – 20 minutes, or until the top is golden brown, crunchy and smells ‘just like Mama used to’.

Until next time, ‘bon apprenti’.

59

When in Rome...ania

by Brooke Davis

60

travel

Looking for a quirky adventure? Tucked away in a pocket of Eastern Europe, bordered

by Hungary, Bulgaria, Serbia, Moldova and the Black Sea Coast, Romania is like that quirky uncle you only see at Christmas time who tells dirty jokes at the dinner table; just weird enough to be captivating. So if you’re planning a trip to the cheaper side of Europe, here’s a few suggestions to get you started: 1. Drop into Bucharest Most people will tell you not to bother with Bucharest, but if you can get past the fact that most people are trying to rip you off, you might just find the place unmistakably interesting. It’s an absolute smattering of every style of architecture you can think of, with huge communist boxy things sliding up against these grand ornate buildings. This place has this whole Gotham City thing going on: so stained and dark, the buildings rising up high around you as if you’re trapped.

2. Get into all the deliciously tacky Dracula stuff For those of you unaware, Vlad Tepes (Vlad the Impaler, aka ‘Dracula’) was born and did some mean things in Romania.

Putting it simply, he liked to impale people and watch them wriggle to death around him while he ate his dinner.

Naturally, the Romanians have cashed in on it: you might want to buy a Dracula mug

(one in particular said: ‘recipe for Dracula cocktail: 50ml Blood Type A, 50ml Blood Type AB, with lemon and ice’) or have a sip of the red wine marked ‘Dracula’s Blood’.

You may even like to dine at the hideously overpriced restaurant that claims to be the house Vlad was born in.

My advice? Just be happy plans for a Dracula theme park haven’t gone ahead.

looked exactly the same when he was a kid and when he was an old man). Make sure to spend some time in the Pharmacy Room, like a mad professor’s room; filled with kits and test tubes and strange doodads from a time long past. Gag a little when examining the ‘gynecological kit’, teeming with far too many pointy scrapey metallic thingys for anybody’s liking.

3. Take a train through the countryside I know the term ‘rattling train’ is a cliché, but these rickety trains really rattle: through sunflower fields and stations with strange sounding names; past old men leaning on scythes, pyramid-shaped haystacks with pitchforks sticking out of them, horse-drawn carriages and kids playing on train tracks.

5. Brush up your Ceausescu history Okay, so as far as dictators go, this guy might just be my favourite. He flattened entire suburbs and displaced thousands of people to make way for ridiculously grandiose projects when his country was pretty much bankrupt. He set about building the Parliament Building, naming it ‘The House of the People’ (meanwhile, he destroyed all their homes to make it.

Perhaps he meant it as a memorial?). While his ‘people’ struggled to survive under his regime, he built the second largest building in the world—after the Pentagon—with five tonne chandeliers and curtains that weighed one tonne. Ridiculously, he had the marble staircases in his parliament destroyed four times because he was too short to use them.

Executed by firing squad on Christmas Day, the Romanian people despise him so much that they actually replay his execution as part of the Christmas tradition. Having said that, wouldn’t it have been a touch more poetic had he been crushed to death by his own curtains?

4. Visit the clock tower museum in Sighsoara The museums all over Romania are fantastic: not in a shiny, London-Museum way, but in a ridiculous mish mash of a quirky way, like someone has visited all the backyards in the area, picked up whatever might be rusting at the time and chucked it in a glass case or two. There’s old keys and chests and books and old photos of straight backed men with oversized moustaches. The clock tower museum is a rambling, creaking building with death-defying stairs, and an entire floor devoted to a guy called Herman who developed a space-related equation when he was a measly 15 (eerily, his face 61

en ron

environ vironme nmenten 6 ways to stop being a big fat polluting jerkface

by Sarah Hart

Everyone likes the environment. Some of us love it, and want to be in it all the time, and get all breathless-like about a tree; others just like the concept, but are content for someone else to look after it while they sit in a cafe arguing about how burnt the coffee beans are.

But you’d have to be dead, or the owner of a pulp mill franchise, not to realise that the vast majority of western society has woken up to itself and decided that the environment is not infinitely self-healing, and that we should stop stamping all over it and start helping it survive. To take the guesswork and actual effort out of finding out how to get involved, we’ve come up with the top five ways you or your lazy (but consciencestricken) mate can get down and dirty with the green revolution.

62

nvi nm

nmenten entenvi nvironm Plant a tree No shit, you’re thinking. That’s so seventies. Well, so’s yer mum. Planting trees is still one of the single most effective ways a human can help send oxygen into the atmosphere. So, if you own a yard (or rent one, and think your real estate agent won’t notice), get out there and plant a tree. If you don’t own a yard, or you just love the idea of midwifing a forest, you can hook up with Greening Australia, a champion bunch of people who bust about planting trees in damaged ecosystems, dying creek-beds and, well, wherever the authorities will let them, really. Check out their work and credentials at greeningaustralia.org.au or call them on 6253 3035.

Buy Greenpower This is a good one for those of you who have a guilty hatred of real earth, and the way it gets in your fingernails and smells funny. Without lifting one smooth finger, or coming into contact with the actual environment at all, you can still help save it.

Energy companies are increasingly providing the option to buy green power, that is, energy they’ve sourced from wind, solar, tidal and geothermal farms (whatever is closest to the supplier). You just have to call up, sign up and pay a little extra. And if you can afford to rent a movie once a week, or eat out three times a year, you can afford green power. So, for all you Canberra locals, get out your power bill and call ActewAGL on 13 14 93 for more information or to sign up for a cleaner lungful.

Go solar This is one for the wealthy among us. If you own a house, think about putting solar panels on top of it. You’ll save money on heating bills, increase the value of your property immensely, reduce collective greenhouse emissions in the long term and, at the moment, could receive up to $8000 in rebates from the government. It all makes sense. Get more info at greenhouse.gov.au/renewable/pv/ or call 1300 138 122.

Demonstrate I went to a demonstration once, and genuine snipers pointed their guns at me. Very exciting.

Seriously though, if you’re not happy about something, it’s still worthwhile telling someone important about it. You can bang on all you like to your friends about how crap everything is, but unless you actually talk to the people with the power to change whatever legal instrument is authorising the crap, what’s going to happen is exactly jack shit. So write letters to Ministers.

Send emails to greedy developers, telling them what you think of their bright idea to chop down thousands of acres of irreplaceable habitat. Try and get over the fear you’ll be mistaken for a rampant hippie and actually go along to a protest march, or organise one for yourself. You can do as little or as much as you like. To start you off on your environmental crusade, here is a website that covers some of the more atrocious things happening in Australia’s backyard at the moment greenpeace.org/australia/ To save you some 63

environment

precious time, here is a link to a website that gives you the names and contact details of all our current politicians: aph.gov.au/house/members/ Go orn, demonstrate—you might even get a sniper story out of it.

Become annoying at work Human resources departments exist to keep you happy and staying put. If you start harping on about the lack of environmentally friendly initiatives in your workplace, and you do this often enough to enough of the right people, your employers will do something about it. Happened at my work, true story—one lowly employee with a heart of worldheritage-listed gold got in the right ear about the lack of recycling facilities enough times, and now there’s a proper (and regularly filled) recycling bin on each floor. She’s gone now, but that’s a pretty sweet legacy to leave…

Simple solution Even the very lazy and/or tight can make a difference, without lifting a finger. How it works is, if you see someone littering or otherwise disrespecting your environmental space, glare at them. If they don’t notice, and you’re in the mood, have a full on go at them. Harness that excess rage in the name of a cleaner future.

So there you go. Get on your bike, or pick up your phone, or open your email, and start saving the planet. It’s easier, and unbelievably more satisfying, than you might think.

beyond 2600

the future is not what it used to be

by Nick Ellis

I just finished reading Jules Verne’s From the Earth to the Moon, written over 150 years ago. I read it on my iPod. 25 years ago William Gibson, father of cyberpunk, coined the term cyberspace in a story called Burning Chrome. 25 years ago cyberspace was science fiction, as was private space exploration and the ability to carry around libraries of information in your pocket. These days William Gibson doesn’t write science fiction. He doesn’t need to anymore.

My iPod, the one on which I read From the Earth to the Moon, is encased in another book; a hollowed out copy of Mao’s Little Red Book. From the Earth to the Moon, a science fiction book written 150 years ago, concerns a group of private citizens attempting to create a cannon that will launch a capsule to the moon.

Google have recently announced a thirty million US dollar prize for the first private, non-government, robotic lunar landing. China are stepping up their space program. Chinese scientists have announced they intend to ‘survey every inch of the Moon’ with a robot called Chang’e I, delivered on a rocket with a name Mao would have liked; the Long March 3-A. When William Gibson coined the term cyberspace, the closest computer networks that came to what he had envisioned were mostly private networks, almost solely used by the military or universities.

Gibson’s most recent book, Spook Country, is set squarely in the present, and concerns the movement of sensitive and dangerous information on iPods. While the concepts that Gibson writes about are still somewhat alien, still futuristic, the difference with his recent books is that he hasn’t needed to invent the alien, futuristic concepts; they are taken from the present, from the world we live in.

In an interview with the New York based College Crier, Gibson says, “There’s a character in my previous novel, Pattern Recognition, who argues that we can’t culturally have futures the way that we used to have futures because we don’t have a present in the sense that we used to have a present. Things are moving too quickly for us to have a present to stand on from which we can say, ‘Oh, the future, it’s over there and it looks like this.’” (The interview can be found, in cyberspace, here: collegecrier.com/interviews/int-0040.asp).

64

From the Earth to the Moon is one of 17 books I have on my iPod. I downloaded it from a site that specialises in electronic copies of out-ofcopyright books in a variety of formats, including one specifically designed for iPods. Also stored on my iPod are an interactive French phrase book, searchable maps of the Montreal underground, 24 recipes, over 300 photos, a 16 hour reading of The Iliad, and in excess of 45 days’ worth of music.

Of the 17 books, at least two are books released with Creative Commons licences (as opposed to copyright), which stipulate that the reader of the book is allowed, even encouraged, to copy and distribute the books in any way they see fit.

Including through cyberspace. Including on iPods.

And this is the point. The world we live in is a science fiction world.

150 years ago, the idea of travel from the earth to the moon was science fiction. 25 years ago the idea was considered laughable. The idea of a computer network through which information could be passed at light speed wasn’t so far fetched as to be comedic, but for the majority of us it was definitely science fiction.

Even today, a pile of 17 books, 300 photos and 45 days’ worth of music could be hard to climb over, let alone carry around in your pocket. But that’s what has happened.

25 years ago William Gibson wrote science fiction. He coined the term cyberspace in the year I was born. 25 years later I’m not writing about science fiction.

The future is not what it used to be.

.com.au

www.canberracentre.com.au

Bunda Street, Canberra City. Ph: 6247 5611