A dvice:Dealing withidiots
TheUbyssey's2025spoofissue
UBC GIRLBOSSES
First Frat Girl: Mack Wardhat
Chain Email Destroyer Shainey Maile Real Girl Scientist
Fail-fluencer
“My calling is to fail.”
L o n e ly?Build your own a per b e s tei !
April Contents
April Contents
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The coolest guy in the world
EDITORIAL
Content
Video
Visuals
Visuals Editor
Anita Drinkandit'sonlynoon
Silly Paw
Stew “Die” Ingirl Suffer D. Consequences
WORDS BY Amandaphone, Carrie O'Key, Imaxipad, Lizzy G, Low Pointinlife, Mai C. Errings, Misenefer May Sean
PHOTOS & ILLUSTRATIONS BY Ayla Vart, EmilyAngler, Glitter McGlue, Imaxipad, jellybakedonuts, Misenefer May Sean, Special Agent Dale Cooper, the terminator
LAND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
We wish to acknowledge that we work, learn and operate the paper upon the occupied, traditional, ancestral and unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples, including the xwməθkwəy̓ əm (Musqueam), Sḵwxwú7mesh Úxwumixw (Squamish) and səlilwətaɬ (Tsleil-Waututh) nations.
LEGAL
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Editorials are written by The Ubyssey’s editorial board and they do not necessarily reflect the views of the UPS or UBC. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of the UPS. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission of the Ubyssey Publications Society.
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Our readers stay locked in!
Study Session!
EDITH, 19, ON
PHYLLIS, 22, BC
LILITH, 23, AB
ABADDON, 6029, SK
Spend a day at
Wreck Beach
What did you pack for lunch?
A sandwich with the crust cut off The blood of the innocent
and find out what kind of girl you are!
Start Here
Where do you set your stuff down?
By the logs Near the trees
What’s next?
Build sandcastles Gossip with my girls
There’s someone thrashing in the waves! What do you do?
Help them! them! I’m what’s drowning them, duh!
Human girl
Hey, we can’t all be horrific nightmare beings, right? It’s perfectly fine to just chill out at the beach with your buds and conduct yourself in a conventional Homo sapien manner. And we totally support you in that!
First beach activity?
Splash around in the waves
Read for a while
Time to get back up the stairs! What’s your method?
Transform into a bat and fly
OMG! You’re right at home with the waves and algae caking your limbs! Based on your answers, you’re the kind of girl who loves to go for a swim, volley a beach ball and pop children’s pool floats so you can drown them and display their bodies in your underwater lair.
Any fun sports?
Beach volleyball Hunt and consume people
Create a portal
Bloodthirsty vampire girl
Not a sun fan, huh? No worries — there’s plenty of room in the shade for you to sip on a nice, warm bystander’s neck. Your friends can always count on you to bring the SPF 300 (AD) and some light gothic beach reads, but they know night swims are more your style.
People turn their heads when you walk by — and how could they not, with the spindly tentacles emerging from your abdomen! You turn every vacation into a slay-cation by decapitating any innocent passersby. Go off, queen!
Eldritch horror girl
Girlbosses Dish:
WHAT GIRL POWER MEANS TO UBC!
Sandy Beach, seventh-year: Girl power is selfcare! My nightly application of fermented shrimp paste to my scalp has miraculously halted my hair growth, soaking deep into my hair follicles and giving my strands the stylish, crusty crunch that every girl wants. It’s so important to find your signature fragrance, and I know my Eau de Ocean Pungency will keep all eyes and noses on me! P.S. Try garlic paste if my fishy fragrance isn’t your style!
Patty “O” Ferniture, third-year: Girlhood is drop ping $48 at Browns Crafthouse every Friday for ap pies and drinkies to watch your favourite bartend er (and their biceps) and fantasize about them shaking you like one of those cocktails.
Misty Waters, she doesn’t even go here: Girlhood is empowerment and I think that’s why we need to end the stigma attached to our monthly moultings. Last week, my boyfriend stumbled upon my slimy, shedded layer in the compost bin and freaked the fuck out. We can’t keep telling them “it’s just mouldy tortillas.” Truth mat ters. Change starts with you.
Sia “Later” Ally Gator, Jump Start drop-out: For me, I feel most connect ed to my inner girlhood when I reject every dude at the Pit and then I hop on Scooter Dom’s whip outside A&W. There’s really nothing like it — the freedom of zipping around in that ambient neon scooter glow, tossing chicken tendies to a raccoon, raising my hands above my head and feeling the wind’s magical gust on my fingers — it’ll forever live in my heart … and on Scoot’s Insta.
Sue Perstar, second-year: Sometimes girlhood is contemplating the entirety of your life decisions while popping a squat over a Life Building toilet after eating Chipotle with extra queso every day for the past two weeks during finals because there aren’t enough hours in the day to cook meals and study for five classes and four labs and do laundry and have friends and doomscroll Reels and draft notes app responses you’ll never send to shitty guys, so now you’re crying while the person in the stall next to you is blowing their ass from the same lactose-intolerant salmonella poisoning you have, but then you remember your friend told you she crossed off no. 51 on ’s purity test in this very stall and you realize you’ve surrounded yourself with so many silly-goofy girls that you too are just a silly-goofy girl in a silly-goofy world.
Becky, from Beta Zeta
My dirty little guilty pleasure is blending Pink Whitney, Don’s chicken nuggets, six Advils, and some Diet Coke in my bedazzled Stanley cup. With each sip at BirdCoop, I feel the ‘girl power’ bubble inside of me as I hip thrust my ex’s weight. I’ll be on the toilet for several hours soon after, but it’s an empowering moment to finally feel movement
Looking for more Girls’ Lower Mainland
DIY SLIME
To match your UBC experience!
Your time at UBC won’t last forever — concoct a substance that will take you back to campus even after you graduate!
! TIP: For an even better representation of your Thunderbird experience, use a container that reminds you of UBC, like the mouldy never-before-emptied recycling bin from your dorm, the crusty pizza box that has lived under your bed since October 2023 or the bucket you stood on top of in Totem Park to avoid direct contact with the communal shower floors.
Step 1: Carve out a 200g brick of scrambled egg from the scram bled egg tray in your first-year residence cafeteria. Ex tract the material from the egg slab and place in your slime container. This will be used as the base for your slime.
! WARNING: Do not consume the brick of scrambled egg or anything from a first-year cafeteria. Or do. Just don’t blame Girls’ Lower Mainland for the suffering.
the location of an illegal bonfire in the area. Gently mourn your lack of invitation to such events. Sob until dawn. Collect any tears in your slime container. Next, brush a tablespoon of ash from the illegal bonfire at Wreck Beach into your slime.
Step 3: Stroll around campus. Continue until your socks are heavy with Vancouver rain.
! TIP: Don foot wear in an advanced state of deterioration for more efficient soaking. Next, remove your socks and squeeze the Vancouver rain from your wet socks into your slime container until they’re dry or you’ve lost consciousness from the stress of it all.
Find a residence laundry room. Fill your slime container with a cup of the stagnant detergent water from one of the several broken machines.
Step 5: Sign up for a course in mathematics. Do not attend lectures. Diligently leave all WebWorks incomplete. Carefully fail each midterm and the final. Print out your final grade. Again, collect any tears in your slime container. Then, shred the papers. Finally, shake the shredded remains of your transcript into your slime container. This will encourage your slime to have low self-esteem.
Purchase three dozen caffeinated drinks from Blue Chip. Filter the stimulant out of the drinks (no, we don’t know how, just look it up). This should be enough caffeine to put an adult elephant into shock and maybe even to survive a night of studying. Pour into your slime container.
Step 7: Head to the Rose Garden. Glower at any happy couples. Consider the state of your life and prospects for the future. For the last time, collect any tears in your slime container.
Step 2: Hike to Wreck Beach between 12 and 4 a.m. Identify
! OPTIONAL: Place your clothes in one of the working machines and do not come back until a couple hours or days after the cycle is set to finish. Upon your return, mix the resulting angry note left with your clothes into your slime container.
Step 8: Combine and stir the substances in your container until the mixture is visibly sleep-deprived and overcome with nihilistic detachment.
Step 9: Add glitter.
Step 10: Enjoy the memories!
Growing up is hard.
Four short years ago, I was just a blueprint — an old bus loop and a dream. Now, I am grateful to be making waves as UBC campus’ hottest incoming structure. Students and faculty alike either want to be me or be in me. Hehe!
Though my grand opening is widely anticipated and set to be the campus event of the century, I am, in fact, just a girl. I have struggles. I have dreams. I have baddie moments and saddie moments. Getting to share my real, raw, unfiltered story with you all is my favorite part of the job. Thank you
SRC North’s Guide to Growing Up! your
move, drive, duck, dip, dive and dodge around you. So what if my presence added an extra six minutes onto your journey to get a Jeremy sandwich for three and a half years? Sure, you were late once to your PSYC 102 midterm because my people blocked the entrance to North Parkade for 27 minutes on a random Tuesday. Am I sorry? Absolutely not! The discomfort of others is not my burden to bear, and it’s not yours either.
Be you. Take up space. Block traffic. Shut down roads. Get in their way and never feel bad about it. Despite my 101,000 square feet (do you know how hard it is to find shoes for square feet?), I have zero room for empathy and zero room for other people’s problems. To be on top, you have to stay on top, and that means everyone else’s needs are beneath yours! Slay!
Track your goals
Or rather, tracks are #goals. If you want to be as popular as me, try installing a 200m indoor track inside of you. This is an easy, permanent way to add to your fashionability and functionality. You’ll have the student body running in circles trying to keep up with your trendy awesomeness. It’s okay to be messy (on the inside)!
You may not know it from my glistening, modern exterior, but I hav-
en’t quite got my footing (or flooring) all figured out. That’s okay — when in doubt, lie! You may have noticed that I’m set to make my debut in [insert constantly changing month here] 2025.
See how I give myself the whole year to figure shit out? Very demure, very mindful. See how I keep changing and pushing the month and then erasing all existence of the previous opening date? Very sneaky, very self-serving. Key tip: transparency is for chumps. Girls are used to being lied to, so they won’t even be offended! Haha!
Anyway! Growing up means always focusing on outward appearances before looking at what’s inside. Never reflect — unless you’re a mirror!
Growing up is never finished!
You might think that once I’m open for business, my growth is done — but no! I’ll keep finding a way to expand. #GrowthMindset.
Remember: there is always another side hustle to be hustled, another scheme to be schemed, another ridiculously expensive and widely unnecessary vision to be executed! You are worth it! Never trust a “project timeline”! Never let them tell you you’re too much! Girlhood and growing up are about creating empires, like Rome or Mary Kay Cosmetics.
Keep getting bigger and better, girlies, because that’s what growth is all about.
AdequateADVICE
Colour me confused
What should my favourite colour be?
— Anita Favouritecolour
GLM: There comes a time in every girl’s life when society forces her to make an unreasonably difficult, life-altering decision. For Twinkerbell, it was the magic floating hammer thing. For the Dievirgin’ts, it was train jumping and bird tattoos. For Katnip, it was Pita.
But for average, boring, just-like-other girls, your favourite colour is the choice that will define you for the rest of your days. Pink? Typical. Blue? Also typical. Red? Too angry (it is your sacred duty to repress your anger like every woman before you). Yellow? Nobody likes yellow snow. Green? Like, the colour of the grass? Basic. You can do better.
Enter: rainbow. She’s everything. She’s multifaceted. She’s multidimensional. She’s whimsical. She’s mathematical (I love prisms). “Rainbow” is the ultimate favourite colour option, because it’s every colour option, allowing you to simultaneously be indecisive, people-pleasing, attractive to leprechauns and enraging to Republicans when painted on crosswalks — every girl’s dream!
Everyone,calm the fuck down — Girls’ MainlandLower isheretohelp!
It’s giving idiot
How do I deal with dumb incompetent people? — The Only Competent One for Miles
GLM: The cardinal rule of conflict resolution is to communicate your expectations clearly and remember that everyone is different. Not every- one can be as beautiful, smart and talented as you. So what do you do when you’re so great and they are so… not?
Acknowledge all their flaws to show these aforementioned people dummies that you accept them for who they are (stupid). This will motivate them to do your bidding. Try phrases like, “I know you got an 11 per cent in MATH 101, but I still believe in you enough to [insert request here],” or my personal favourite, “Wow, you are so ugly and dumb, but I love you any- way. More specifically, I love what you can do for me. Can you [insert request here]?”
With these handy tricks, you can manipulate dumb incompetent people to help magnificent, stunning, talented, gorgelicious and gracious people like yourself! #Humble
(Ad)ded fees guaranteed
I’m trying to start a pyramid scheme, but it’s not catching on! How do I run an ad in Girls’ Lower Mainland? —Budding Entrepreneur
GLM: Money. Like, lots of money. Delivered in unmarked bills with non-consecutive serial numbers. Mixed denominations preferred. Should the subject of your ad be horribly appalling to any individual with the slightest shred of morality, we’ll apply a 10 per cent discount.
BTW, we offer some additional, super cool, extra valuable services to would-be advertisers. For example, throw in an extra $50 and we’ll insert completely blatant product placement in articles. For $50 more, we’ll try to be subtle. (Don’t try to lowball us. Remember girls — always know your worth!) Interested? Meet us at 1 a.m. by the dumpsters behind the Frank Forward building. Come alone — we don’t want any trouble!
— Butterfly Effect Bae Dystopian distress
Do we live in a simulation?
GLM: I know how you got here. Life has crushed you. You’re on the brink of insanity. You’ve lost your footing, stumbling from that calm eye of the hurricane into the whirlwind whipping crazy spinning cyclone that is failing classes, countless extracurriculars, vicious job applications and an impending future that can most accurately be described as AHHHHHDJAFLDAFJSDAJF.
Match my freak?
All the mean girls at school keep calling me a weirdo and a freak. I’m so sick of it! I mean, what even constitutes a freak anyway?
— Freaking Out
GLM: Hey BFF! According to my gal pal Miss Merriam-Webster, a freak is “someone or something that differs markedly from what is usual or standard.” But at Girls’ Lower Main- land, our definition (and corporate motto) is “a freak is a freak.” And it takes a freak to know a freak.
You’re questioning the meaning of life. You’re searching for an escape. You’re praying that none of this is real, hoping that all your pain is programmed and some futuristic dystopian smartass teenage heroine might free you with the press of a button — but no. Your pain is very real! Get back to work.
By this, I mean those girls are just insecure about themselves! You’re a horribly uncool loser, without a doubt, but so are they. As they do in our favourite show about staying true to yourself, throw a slushie full of rock salt in those girls’ eyes. Bully them back, because they definitely have qualities that don’t meet the societal conventions they’re so desperate to uphold. Call that retali-slay-tion!
Six Ways THE ENGINEERING CAIRN is just like you!
put our role models on pedestals. Other times, our role models are pedestals! We caught up with one of UBC’s most iconic and widely-emulated figures, the Engineering Cairn, to dispel some common myths.
You might not believe it, but it turns out the Cairn is just like you!
1
You both skip class!
Yes, you heard correctly: even the embodiment of the engineering department doesn’t make it to every class. Apparently, “being a rock” makes it “hard to move,” due to highly controversial and alleged issues like not having feet, legs, muscles, a body or a consciousness. So don’t feel so bad next time you have to take a mental health day!
2
You don’t do homework!
Getting your work in on time is a major drag. The Engineering Cairn agrees! Strictly speaking, the Cairn hasn’t been enrolled in any classes for 20 years, but UBC Engineering assures us it’s still auditing a concerning number of classes on masonry. In fla-
grant violation of student privacy rules, they also told us the Cairn hasn’t submitted any homework since 1992. “…” the Cairn said, because it’s a cairn.
3
People keep trying to deface you with suspect graffiti! Are you subject to a continuous onslaught of indie street artists and student engagement committee members battling over who’s going to paint their club logo or mediocre event advertisement all over your face next? #TFW. Just like you, people constantly walk up to the Engineering Cairn to paint things on it that reflect the local zeitgeist! Also just like you, the Cairn has little choice in the matter. What? You’re not getting spray-painted by random, overzealous passersby? Well, maybe you aren’t popular enough to be reading this magazine.
4You are an eight-foot-tall three-sided structure made from concrete and rebar! So relatable!
5
You don’t sleep! Booked and busy, the En-
gineering Cairn rarely gets any sleep — from endlessly sitting on Main Mall to being the heart, soul and sole representative of any semblance of campus culture, this cairn is up all night because carrying UBC on its back is a job that never stops. When’s the last time you got sleep, anyway? Last week? Last year?
6You feel nothing!
Both of you are totally unfeeling monoliths, standing there vacantly as the world passes you by. Some may ascribe a personality to you, but logical people realize there’s nothing but emptiness inside… No, don’t feel bad. Why would you feel sorry for a rock? It’s not like it has feelings. It’s just another inanimate object, existing aimlessly in this vast and unforgiving void, a thoughtless entity to be totally ignored by all. Friendless. Loveless. Lifeless.
Just like you!
Heck, you might as well head on over to Main Mall and become the next campus craze. You never know! It’s probably a better use of time than whatever you’re doing right now. Just sit on the cold grass, let your body slowly petrify and feel all your worries slip away.
SHAINEY MAILE:
I CODED IT!” “Girls like me deserve Internet safety,
Exclusive interview with GLM’s favourite woman in coding
WARNING: IF YOU STOP READING THIS YOU WILL DIE.
That’s what an email Shainey Maile received when she was eight years old said.
“And I was like, ‘What the fuck? I’m going to die?’” said Maile, now 23.
The email said that since she read the message, Bloody Mary would kill her and kill everyone she loved and also One Direction would break up — unless she forwarded it to 10 friends.
“I couldn’t let this happen to them. I just knew they were going to stay together forever. How could I deprive every girl everywhere of One Direction’s musical genius? I’m not a monster...”
Soon, Maile got to work. Fifteen years later, she developed the very first Google Chrome extension to show those chain emailers who’s (girl)boss.
GLM: Hey girlboss! Can you tell us more about how the extension, ChainMail Detected, works?
SM: It essentially hacks the email address of whoever sent you the chain email and finds their IP address. From there, it locates their physical address which our
team (an Etsy witch from Ladner) cross-references with various sources such as public records, private data (you know, the one your telecommunications provider sells to advertising agencies) and aura points, to then create an in-depth profile of who you are and what you stand for so we can leak it to UBC Admissions, Steve’s Poke Bar and Whataburger (as well as other interested parties) so they pester you with emails for three months or three years. This motivates the chain-email-sender to fuck off into oblivion, deleting their email address and entire digital presence out of unparalleled annoyance and deep-seated fear they will spend all their money on kinda mid spicy tuna bowls.
GLM: That’s awesome! Why is it important for a product like this to exist?
SM: Girls’ Lower Mainland — can I just call you Girls’?
GLM: Sure.
SM: I thought I was gonna freaking die when I got that email. Bloody Mary is scary as fuck and I am a humanitarian and an empath so I didn’t want my friends to freaking die, too. Plus, Harry and Louis are in love and they can’t break up. In our unprecedented digital climate, where the Internet is literally a scary place and boys
are literally sending chain emails like nobody’s business, it’s up to us girls to stick together! We can create a community and foster connection. We can fight back. We can win. We can outwit, outplay, outlast and overthrow the curses that chain emails plague us with.
GLM: Wait... chain emails don’t actually have curses.
SM: What the fuck? Yeah they do. Did you even see what happened to 1D?
GLM: And, wait a minute! How is this extension still relevant? I mean, I haven’t received a chain email since the ‘90s.
SM: Where do you think I’ve been all these years? Lazing around? Hanging out? Cursed? No! I’ve been literally inside the freaking Internet, Wreck-it-Ralph style, Tron: Legacy style, battling all the curses of every chain email like a badass and hand-assembling my code inside the motherboarding mainframe. Support local coders.
GLM: ...
SM: You know what? You sound like you were alive in the ‘90s, you old piece of shit! You don’t think girls can code? I’m going to cancel you. And your skinny jeans are ugly as fuck, you millennial loser.
MEET UBC’S NEWEST STAR,
MACK WARDHAT!
“Anything boys can do, girls can do better.”
This is the first thing Mack Wardhat said to me, totally unprompted. No ‘Hello,’ no ‘How are you?’ — right down to pure, powerful girlbossery.
We at Girls’ Lower Mainland up with Wardhat, the first girl at UBC ever documented to become a fullfledged member of a historically all-men fraternity, to learn about her women-in-frat advocacy and career journey.
GLM: Why did you choose to pursue a future in the field of frat girling?
MW: Our modern-day world is all about supply and demand. See a gap? Fill it. See a problem? Solve it. See an industry craving the presence of a strong woman? Be the strong woman. Be the change you want to see in the world. That’s basic economics.
GLM: Have frats always been your area of inter est?
MW: Growing up, I was told that “I can do anything boys can do,” but I soon realized society was feeding me feminist fluff
— they had no evidence to back up their claims that I was truly an “equal.” They encouraged me to pursue science, math and technology, but I soon realized there was a field that remained untapped by girls just like me: pure and unfettered delinquency. Sure, if I wanted to join a coding camp, they said “Go women in historically male-dominated fields!” But when I, at 15, decided my true passion was beating the Guiness World Record for longest keg stand, I was an “underachiever” who wasn’t “meeting my full potential.”
GLM: How did that make you feel?
MW: Really fucking bad, Girls’ Lower Mainland. Everyone overlooked me. Nobody saw value in my ability to shotgun a Bud in under 1.912 seconds. They didn’t want to know me. They didn’t want to love me for who I am. They didn’t want to see the frat beneath the girl.
GLM: I am so sorry you encountered so many obstacles in your fraternity journey. Can you tell me about your entrance into the frat world? How did you get started?
MW: I knew it wouldn’t be easy for a girl like me to catch the eye of popular frats. Let’s face it: I’m five-foot-one, I have zero experience in owning
only one pillow and I don’t play beer pong more than four times a week. I knew I would have to work hard — that the frat girl within would have to truly shine. It was arduous. Gruelling. I trained day and night — mostly night because a true frat girl sleeps in until at least 12:38 p.m. no matter what. Belching, benching and bro-ing, I prepared myself for the most important time in a frat sibling’s life: rush.
I plotted and schemed — should I pull a full Mulan? Should I “be myself?” No, my dear naïve friends… The answer appeared to me in a vape-headrush-induced daze: I should network. Every frat boy has been training in the art of networking since his first breath. Most frat boys actually shake the hand of the very doctor who cut their umbilical cord; they create LinkedIn accounts before their birth certificates are even signed. You might think there’s no hope — how could you possibly catch up? Girls, if you’re feeling discouraged, I am telling you: Do not give up! When I sent 14,092.5 LinkedIn requests
in one day, I didn’t fear rejection. I embraced it. I let it slap me across the face again and again, like those videos of 20-something-year-old men crushing beer cans on their heads. The frat girl mentality is about never backing down. Weave a network so rich, so full, so sticky and connectionally voluptuous that these frat boys cannot help but get caught up in your web.
GLM: Thank you for the tips. When did you first feel like you “made it” in the frat scene?
MW: I first felt like I made it in my second semester in Beta Sigma Psi (affectionately known as ‘Siggy P’). It was the end of the night, and suddenly, the DJ passed me the mic. I thought, ‘This is my moment,’ so I quickly flipped my baseball cap backwards and ripped the sleeves off my T-shirt in one swift motion. I cleared my throat and uttered the most fulfilling words I have ever said. The crowd looked on. They finally saw me.
“If you’re not a brother or fucking a brother, get the fuck out!” And as those words left my lips, I knew I was frat, and frat was me.
GLM: That’s so powerful. What do you have to say to other girls practicing their beer pong skills alone in their room, hoping that one day they too can be in a frat, like you?
MW: Keep sinking those shots and keep your head up — I’ve paved the way for you now. Be grateful. Respect your elders. Pay homage to the frat girl blueprint (me). Know that anything you can do, anywhere you get in this world, is because of the hard work I put in. I accept monetary “thankyou’s” via e-transfer to fratty.b.girl@gmail.com
STUDY BUDDY
Build your own paper bestie!
You will need:
• Paper, cardboard or this issue of Girls’ Lower Mainland
• Glue (duct tape is ugly, put that away)
• Scissors
• Fabric
• Stuffing (“Why would I want to make it cuddly?” You ask too many questions. Leave me alone.)
• Buttons/beads (the thing needs eyes)
• A sense of humble pride
VISUALIZE:
Before you get your craft on, let’s do a quick exercise in imagination.
CAREFUL:
This project is a massive waste of time.
Lots of people have friends. Time for you to have one too!
To the best of your abilities, draw the basic figure of your new friend (or cut out the nifty little dude we’ve provided for you on this page). Maybe you’re drawing that one classmate you’ve shared six classes and three group projects with but who still doesn’t know your name. I’ve had plenty of those! God, I wish we became friends. Maybe next term!
Step 1
Cut out the figure. If you prefer something fluffier, cuter and closer to the touch of a real person, swing by the fabric store! But stay focused. We’re on a mission, people! We are not getting into crochet. We need stuffing… maybe some yarn for hair… Oh! Wait, look, the knitting needles are on sale! This is fun. Go wait outside, I’ll be here for a while.
Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 !
What does your perfect study buddy look like? Do they have all the qualities you’ve been endlessly searching for in a friend, but without the awkwardness of real-life social interaction? No? Just me? Oh…
Get out of the store. You do not need to go down the crafting rabbit hole. Trust me. One minute you’re buying stickers to heal your inner child and the next you’re covered in third-degree hot glue gun burns. Yes, I am carrying a bag full of new craft supplies. No, it’s not any of your business. They were on sale, dammit!
Now it’s time to glue or stitch your doll together. It might look a little bit lumpy, but don’t worry. The lumpier it is, the easier it is to pretend that it’s a real, living, breathing human with organs, bones and everything!
Now for the fun part: customization! Yay! Let’s add some judgmental eyebrows, and dress ‘em up with that fabric. Wait, what’s that? My study buddy looks like my TA? No! Take that back right now. Well, yours looks like your coworker!
Hold your study buddy close. Closer. Closer. Never let go… Never… Let… Go…
Bonus:
• “Roses are red, who needs a degree, you’ll never be lonely as long as you have me.” Step 6 Step 7 Step 5
Okay, so maybe the whole thing looks a bit… sad. I mean, it’s definitely something, and that’s what counts. But let’s be real: it doesn’t matter! Study buddies come in all shapes and sizes. If you want a whole friend group, just make a bunch of paper dolls and pretend you’re a normal person.
Upgrade your doll bestie with some guilt- free homework excuses! Write a note your study buddy can carry around (motivation- al phrases are a good option). I’m going with: “Sorry, I can’t study near you. I’m emotionally drained from the amount of effort I’m putting into this friendship.” So real, right?
Need more options? Here you go:
• “Studying is hard. But cuddling with my study buddy goes harder.”
• “My brain is full, I need a break. Wan- na hug?”
*AVAILABLE FOR SECRETS SIZED XS TO XL
SuperSecret Diary
Perfect for:
• Tweenage angst
• Fanfiction about classmates
• Other girl stuff
• Not-like-other-girl stuff
...and more!
Score these unique UBC looks for less!
When you go to a school as elite as UBC, it’s literally a degree requirement to dress to impress. If you’re a total fashion klutz and can’t tell blood orange from red (huge difference BTW), then you’ve come to the right spot. Here are five fashion must-haves that will totally make you stand out on campus and secure a feature on one of those coveted “stylish students” social media accounts.
the puffer jacket
Yes, this is a total basic because everyone has one but what’s different is how you wear it. Zipped up says “all business,” but leaving it all the way open obviously means, “I’ve got places to be. I’m in a hurry. Don’t talk to me.” Disheveled. Not elevated. Half-zipped is the way to go. Casual. Mysterious. Unquantifiable. It says, “only talk to me if you’re cool.” The language of puffer zipper placement can be difficult to learn, especially if you own more than one colour or length. But don’t worry — stick to our advice and you’re bound to stand out.
thetotebag
A Thunderbird fashion sin is wearing a backpack. If you care about fashion — which I imagine you do because you’re reading this article — burn your backpack at a Wreck Beach bonfire. Like, right now. Go on. What you replace it with doesn’t matter: tote bag, briefcase, purse, grocery bag, laundry basket, whatever — as long as it slings over one shoulder! Bonus points if it’s red; you’ll definitely stand out then!
Fashionista!
With our campus fashion tips, you’re bound to stand out! You’ll stand so far out, you’ll be back in!
activewear
You can’t call yourself a Vancouverite if you don’t wear activewear as everyday clothes. But make no mistake — brand is everything. Wearing black Arc’teryx is extremely different from wearing black lululemon — one of those means you’re a pretentious douchebag and the other means you’re a washed-up mean girl. If you can’t tell which is which… You’re a lost cause. Off-brand only for you. Sorry not sorry.
Blundstones
When it comes to footwear, Blundstones are the most chic, niche, underground, down under shoe for you — no really, they’re from Australia (exotic) so literally no one else will have them. They’re practical, but with a touch of sophistication so you can go from the Totem Park forest to the Sauder building to network, no sweat. Colour is important here. If you pick rustic brown, you’ll be typecast as a bisexual political science student. Rustic black, however, is still Queer (don’t worry), but in the forestry-overnight-oats-in-an-upcycled-jar way. Huge difference, so choose carefully.
headphones
To complete your look, you can always count on a pair of trusty headphones — no procrastinator pretending to be studious leaves the house without ‘em. But again, it’s not about the acces- sory but rather how you style it. Headphones are a great way to highlight your personality! Get a fun colour (but make sure it matches every outfit, so go with black or grey), hang them on your tote bag (because fashion over function, obviously) or even get them a little crochet sprout (SO original!). This is where you really get to shine.
Believe in yourself:
How to serve CONFIDENCE after being put on academic probation
Coffee. Stationery. Desks. Forehead wrinkles.
Being an academic is a state of mind. But what happens when you’re just not cut out for it? Meet the UBC student who’s decided the ass-cademe can kiss her ass.
Ceesgit Deegreese, a fourthyear tropical curling student, has decentred academia from her life — and she said you should too!
“Yeah,” said Deegreese. “Getting a B+ in POLI 110 changed my life. After such a catastrophe, you really start to reflect. Regroup. Rethink your priorities. I knew I couldn’t let such a failure define me — I realized that I am so much more than one bad grade.”
(Editor’s note: This isn’t a bad grade.)
After getting that wretched, terrible grade, Deegreese went on a journey of self-discovery and found school just isn’t her calling.
“My calling is to fail,” she said.
Since then, Deegreese has become a fail-fluencer, amassing over 2.5 million followers across
all social platforms.
Her mantra? If you fail once, fail, fail again!
Deegreese has shown students how to achieve academic probation, then get off it, then get on it again. She’s even been featured on UBC’s social media pages despite failing multiple classes and saying “Fuck UBC!” in front of the most sacred spot on campus, the Rose Garden.
“It’s actually pretty hard,” she said. “I’m a good student, but I’m really good at this failing thing, and I need external validation to feel secure in myself. Good grades might get you a ‘good job,’ but back flipping off UBC President Benoit-Antoine Bacon’s desk gets you views and bitches.”
So true, queen.
Deegreese’s videos are provocative, especially to current academics.
Nikki Urse, my mom and a nursing profes sor, said students should always try really hard
to do their best, and that I’m the bestest boy in the world because I work so hard. Thanks, mommy!
“To teach — nay, encourage — students to fail. Now, that’s ludicrous,” said mommy.
When asked about this, Deegreese said Ludacris, the singer, isn’t doing anything related to the #FailSchool movement and that she’s tired of him taking credit for it.
“Bruh,” she said.
Deegreese also said the education system already prioritizes failing students through needlessly difficult exams, “weeding-out” classes and grade scaling.
“UBC is a business, not a school. They want you to pay to
EMBARASSING ENCOUNTERS
BRAINY BALDY!
I wanted to look my best for graduation but I was too broke to pay for a haircut. Thanks, student fees! After watching three TikToks of girls cutting their own bangs after breakups, I knew what I had to do. Embracing my inner DIY queen, I grabbed my roommate’s kitchen scissors, borrowed my brother’s $5 Facebook marketplace razor and sat myself in front of the big mirrors in the Nest’s dance studio.
I was cool, calm and collected until I couldn’t figure out how to turn on the lights and a dance class started to bang on the door. Startled and panicked, my hand slipped and I shaved off a huge chunk of my hair. I tried to even it all out with the razor but ended up shaving everything off! OMG!
Less than 24 hours later, I walked across the stage looking like Dr. Benoit-Antoine Bacon! I was so embarrassed. Plus, my head was really cold. — Mara, 22, BC
FANFIC FIANCÉE!
Within the first five minutes of meeting her, I could already picture a life together. I saw it vividly: a cottagecore, cat-filled house in the countryside where I would work the land and she could bake the bread and we’d have nine kids named after different shades of green. I am, of course, talking about my TA. Eek!
I think about her cute face, kind eyes and big, gorgeous brain all day. I dream of her all night. But instead of asking her out, I’ve been secretly writing a dragon princess fanfic featuring the two of us as star-crossed heiresses to the feuding kingdoms of Food&Landia and Forestrionia. Between clashing swords and roaring dragons, we find fiery forbidden passion in the crossfires of battle. I know, it’s genius.
One day, I was finishing an assignment (at 11:58 p.m. on the day it was due) and in a mad rush, I submitted my fanfic instead of my report! Yikes!
The next morning, I received a strongly-worded email from my love TA about ‘professionalism’ and also a phone call from the counselling services performing a ‘routine wellness check-in.’ Embarrassing!
But when I went to check my mark, I got a 98 per cent. So I guess she was into it? — Lizzy, 19, ON
Send us your embarrassing story!
Leave a typewritten sub- mission and $100 cash in the dumpster near Buchanan Tower.
ON YOUR BOOKSHELF
WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM BEOWULF:
Girls — if you’re craving a party in book form, look no further.
Follow heroic hottie Beowulf (who is not actually a wolf, but def the inspo for Jacob in Twilight — they don’t call him Bae-o-wolf for nothing) as he rages against the disgruntled Grendel, an edgy, violent mama’s boy.
After Grendel brutally murders the Danes in their mead hall every night — can someone say “Grumpypants?” — Beowulf uses the powers of confidence and loyalty to save the day by ripping Grendel’s arm off, causing him to bleed out in the moor. Slay!
And that’s just the start. Beowulf gets in the same gory, dramatic fight one and a half more times with Grendel’s mother and also a dragon (but still no wolves). Find out how he dies horribly in this hopeful tale about beo-lieving in yourself!
99.99999% of readers loved Beowulf!
“I don’t understand a word, but I like how it looks!”
— DOORUHTHIE, AGE 10
“When he killed all those people, I didn’t know what to think. Thank God for Beowulf!”
— EMMALEIGH, AGE 7
“I like to think Grendel and Beowulf were forbidden lovers — it feels more realistic.”
— GRAYSON, AGE 40
If you liked Beowulf, you’ll probably like these reads too!
ADVANCED MACROECONOMICS
BY DAVID ROMER
Already a pro at boring, basic economics? Time to level up, embrace that woman-in-STEM grindset mindset and find out whatever the fuck macroeco- nomics is. Jump right in and join a vibrant, flourish- ing community of third-year economic students who are nearly as dead inside as we are.
BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL
BY FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
There’s no better way to make yourself feel worse about your future than curling up with a fluffy title like Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil. Explore
how God is dead, there is no meaning in life, and how nothing matters in this easy-breezy teen read!
INTRODUCTION TO ALGORITHMS
BY THOMAS H. CORMEN, CHARLES E. LEISERSON, RONALD L. RIVEST AND CLIFFORD STEIN
This 1,312-page textbook tells you everything a girl- boss needs to know about computational algorithms and why they even exist. Learn statistics, data struc- tures and other not-at-all-made-up stuff instead of leaving the house and touching grass. With its capti- vating subject and hefty page count, you’ll never want to put it down!
TRICKY SCIENCE QUESTIONS — ANSWERED!
WHY DOES SNOW DISAPPEAR OVERNIGHT?
— Aria, 12, BC
When temperatures drop below 0°C, water vapour freezes. Skipping the liquid stage, these would-be raindrops become the beloved substance we know as “snow.”
However, like all good things in life, snow will leave you. As days pass, snow particles wonder: did I miss out? Will I ever raindrop, drop top? Are the best and wettest days of my life behind me?
Reportedly, these snow particles ask themselves questions such as “Why are we sticking together?” “Is this love or just these cold circumstances?” Just like real relationships, things can change a lot. The flake beside you may not be the same one you fell in love with on your journey from the big slushy machine malfunctioning in the sky.
When asked to comment on the recent uptick in snowflake dissatisfaction, accredited Woman in STEM Natasha Beddingfield cited the cultural phenomenon of “FOMO.” She answered, “What is a raindrop’s purpose, if not to be felt on your skin?” Some lucky snowflakes get to be felt on one’s skin, and others’ dreams are dashed.
Thus overnight, amicably parting ways, snowflakes choose to go on their new journeys: becoming liquid, evaporating, exploring the dirt they dreamed of in the clouds or even getting sucked up crazy-style by plants. In the process, they disappear.
— Mindy, 10, ON
Thanks for asking, Mindy! Did you know that dogs were selectively bred from wolves? In scientific terms, dogs are actually called ‘Canis lupus familiaris’ which means ‘the familiar wolf’ in Latin (this is not to be confused with ‘Canis taylorus lautneris,’ which is used for wolves during full moons).
Because of their heritage, dogs carry several lupine genetic traits. For example, wolves have long snouts (for sniffing suspicious things out). This, combined with an unrelenting desire to please authority figures (hence the alpha structure of their packs), makes them huge narcs. Thus, dogs are genetically designed to detect and report suspicious activity, in deference to their masters who walk them and give them treats.
This is also why you’ll see dogs recruited by federal policing agencies.
Additionally, dogs have excellent hearing. They can detect sounds that are much quieter than ones humans can. This is because these sound waves are amplified by the bad vibes given off by those who don’t want to be heard.
Has your dog ever barked at you while you’re climbing out your bedroom window to go meet your BFF Stacey at 3 a.m.? Now you know why. They’re literally built to snitch. Other dog bark-inducers include: the sound of lying heartbeats, anxious typing at 3 a.m., the sound of hand washing without flushing and the creak of the fridge door at midnight when one is trying to gobble up that last piece of pizza that your older sister was saving for lunch.
So can dogs understand us? Yes! They are our wolf familiars, they are the snitches we keep near. They defer to their alphas and report what they know. Either become their alpha by eating treats out of their bowl while staring them directly in the eye or don’t do things that force them to report you, silly!
Princess & Prof Blarbie
THE THE
What is WORSE?
Many things suck! So what sucks less? Answer, or face the consequences!
Eating day-old pizza OR
Oversleeping four hours OR
day-old
pulling an all-nighter?
Finding gross old gum under your desk OR sticking your head in a particle accelerator?
Winning the lottery OR being fed to red ants while strapped to the floor?
Wearing the same dress as your ex-best friend to the Spring Fling Dance OR being slowly dismembered with a scalpel dripping with gangrene?
A week without TikTok OR a week without Instagram?
Raising your hand in a full lecture hall and getting the answer wrong OR a totally unnecessary root canal without anesthesia?
Starbucks putting regular milk in your iced oat vanilla latte OR having your eyes gouged out by a deranged impersonator of Byzantine Emperor Basil II?
Being given $10 million for free OR being plucked from this Earth by a higher power and sentenced to eternal hellfire?
Wowie! A Word Search
Fuschia Magenta Mauve
