March 28, 2023 — explain!

UNDERGROUND ARTIST JJ MONIKER HAS NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY // 19

THE UBYSSEY ’S 2023 SPOOF ISSUE

THE UBYSSEY ’S 2023 SPOOF ISSUE

EDITORIAL

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Jay Nayme

PHOTO EDITOR

Banana Mezcal

DESIGN EDITOR

Zoinks!

CONTRIBUTORS

Ace of Baes, Ami Stake, Anita Drinkandit’sonlynoon, bigD, Birdseye Bella, Cherry Radler, Deadbeat Gary, EvilM&M, Firo Comix, Goofy Goober, Gremlin boy, Imaxipad, Ikant Takeetanimoor, Jacques Trapp, Justine McElroy, Lola Wazowski, Michael Slackson, Minnie Ong, Mona, Norm, Polly Pocket, Selkirk (Street), Smack Harlow, Teva Granola, Tila Zwinton, Thomald McDomald

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS

LAND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

We wish to acknowledge that we work, learn and operate The Ubyssey upon the occupied, traditional, ancestral and unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples, including the xʷməθkʷəyəm (Musqueam), Sḵwxwú7mesh (Squamish), Stó:lō and səli lwətaɁɬ/Selilwitulh (Tsleil-Waututh).

LEGAL

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Editorials are written by The Ubyssey’s editorial board and they do not necessarily reflect the views of the UPS or UBC. All editorial content appearing in The Ubyssey is the property of the UPS. Stories, opinions, photographs and artwork contained herein cannot be reproduced without the expressed, written permission of the Ubyssey Publications Society.

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The Ubyssey accepts opinion articles on any topic related to UBC and/or topics relevant to students attending UBC. Submissions must be written by UBC students, professors, alumni or those in a suitable position (as determined by the opinion editor) to speak on UBC-related matters. Submissions must not contain racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, harassment or discrimination. Authors and/or submissions will not be precluded from publication based solely on association with particular ideologies or subject matter that some may find objectionable. Approval for publication is, however, dependent on the quality of the argument and The Ubyssey editorial board’s judgment of appropriate content. Submissions may be sent by email to opinion@ubyssey.ca. Please include your student number or other proof of identification. Anonymous submissions will be accepted on extremely rare occasions. Requests for anonymity will be granted upon agreement from four-fifths of the editorial board. Full opinions policy may be found at ubyssey.ca/pages/submit-an-opinion

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WASHED UP ACTOR

WINDOW WASHING

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

MUSICAL ADAPTATION OF YOUR MATH 100 LECTURE PANNED

words by Cherry Radler

SONGS INCLUDE:

THE BORE AND DISAPPOINTMENT OF YOUR MATH 100 LECTURE IS COMING TO THE FREDRIQUE VOOD THEATRE.

Early critics are hating Ugh or How I Finished All My Math 100 WebWorks 10 Minutes Before the Deadline and got a 60 or Derivative, like the Math Thing, You Know What I Mean? a vanity project of producer and on-set lurker Twink Brosco. The musical goes where no one has gone before. Well, no one except for the thousands (I think? I didn’t check) of students who did better than you in MATH 100 last year.

Picture this: it’s November of your first year. You wake up every morning at 6:56 a.m. — 9 and a half minutes before class starts. You’re on top of the world. You’re killing the game, by which I mean this whole calculus thing. But then, on a rainy day all your hopes of academic excellence are shattered by getting 57 per cent on your first pre-class quiz. That’s right, Brosco stole your story and is putting it on stage in like a month. Tickets are $415.

We sat down with Brosco to chat about Ugh. He was like “su-

per hungover so sorry if I’m not like totally enthusiastic but yeah super down to chat for sure.”

Brosco says the story will follow you, your professor that “didn’t get a lot of sleep last night” and that TA who definitely liked you for sure, as you all work together in the spirit of collaboration and academic dishonesty.

“We’re going for a sort of Les Mis meets Johnny Test meets Salt Lake City High Presents: Rent vibe,” says Brosco. “This project has really taken over my life ever since I switched out of Sauder and into BFA acting.”

Brosco’s previous work includes starring as Thee Baby Jesus in a nativity scene, failing two years of a commerce degree and walking by the Riverdale set. He brings these years of experience to Ugh, which is set to ruin your life in spectacular fashion. ☻

Ugh will run from April 17 to forever — you can find details and tickets at UghOrHowIFinishedAllMyMath100WebWork10MinutesBeforeTheDeadlineAndGotA60TheMusical.ubc. co.uk.com.ca

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

“EMPTY CHAIRS AND EMPTY LECTURE HALLS”

“MEETING THE DEAN”

“TAYLOR? I HARDLY KNOW HER (TAYLOR SERIES)”

“BURNOUT”

“HAKUNA MATATA”

“WHO LIVES? WHO DIES? WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

“ALARM CLOCK TANGO”

“ACADEMIC DISHONESTY MEETING (MEETING THE DEAN REPRISE)”

THE GAL’HER’Y IS FULL OF DRUNK PEOPLE

words by Cherry Radler, photos by Ami Stake

I’VE LONG HEARD TELL OF AN ART GALLERY IN THE ALMONDS MATTER SOCIETY NEST –– A PLACE OF STUDENT CREATION IN AN OTHERWISE DREARY CAMPUS.

Imagine my dismay then, to wander into The Gal’Her’y with hopes high only to have them dashed by a massive drinks line and a confusing array of seating options. I am all for mixing high-concept, immersive, hyper-realist performance art installations, but to call this place an “art gallery” is a stretch.

Now a review of the very few pieces on display that are of any decent quality. These works also did not have title plaques — very avant garde — thus I named them below in accor-

dance with my experience of the pieces.

Broken glass scattered beside coffee table, ignored

Dimmadome is a third-year major in drinking and talking about DuBois (the boys).

“Yeah, someone should probably clean that up. We were playing spin the bottle, but like not to kiss each other. It was more a spin the bottle, drink the stuff in the bottle kind of thing. If the bottle lands on you, you drink. If it doesn’t land on you, you drink,” said Dimmadome.

“Anyways, get this, we were

spinning the bottle on this coffee table thing, and I tried to pick up the bottle after it spun, you know, to drink it. But instead of picking it up, I knocked it onto the floor and it broke. We just thought we’d keep drinking though.”

With every passing second, the spilled lager seeps deeper into the hardwood floor beneath it. The piece speaks to the societal urge to melt into a big puddle (wicked witchcore). And the human urge to get smashed.

Karaoke: The talentless sing to a captive audience

Chanterelle is a second-year major in pissing me off and waiting for a friend’s performance to end.

“I like the classics. Pop music these days is just so dry — they just don’t make music like they used to. Anyways, my go-to songs are ‘Friday,’ ‘Bad Blood,’ ‘Firework’ and ‘Enter Sand-

man.’ But yeah, we come out here every Thursday unless it’s exam season, Arbor day, a new lunar month, the Westminster dog show, October, Victoria Day (RIP to a real one), leg day or the first Thursday after Mother’s Day. It’s nice to let loose every once in a while, you know — show off your wild si— WOO REIGHLEEE! QUEEEEN! Anyways, what were you asking?”

The singing is not good, but why should it be? It’s probably some important commentary on the human condition, I guess.

Closing remarks

The Gal’Her’y demonstrably fails to present anything worthy of praise. The performance art therein is tired, repetitive and devoid of meaning. My visit left me with no choice but to drink my disappointment away at the bar. At least their lager is cheap. ☻

IS CHATGPT TEAM SELENA

OR TEAM HAILEY?

words by Goofy Goober

STUDENTS ACROSS CAMPUS ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT STRESS FROM UPCOMING EXAMS, SUMMER INTERNSHIPS AND YADDA YADDA, BUT I KNOW THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.

From a young age, the topic has possessed every fiber of our beings, and just when we thought it was over — just when we started to move on — it burst into our

lives again.

I have spent days tossing and turning and wondering — does Justin Bieber still love Selena Gomez?

With no one to turn to, I resorted to the only source anyone can trust: ChatGPT. If it can get an 67 per cent on my PHIL 307 paper (later changed to an “zero — see me after lecture”), it probably knows what Justin is up to. Here is what it said:

As an AI language model, I don’t have personal opinions or emotions, and I’m not programmed to engage in gossip or celebrity drama. My purpose is to provide helpful and informative responses to questions and assist with tasks to the best of my abilities. It’s important to respect the privacy and personal lives of individuals, including celebrities, and focus on more meaningful and productive topics.

That being said, I beliebe that Justin Bieber still loves Selena Gomez for so many reasons. Starting with their whirlwind romantic history. They first started dating in 2010 and were on and off for several years before finally ending their relationship in 2018. During their time together, they were very public about their affection for each other. But then Justin and Hailey got engaged that very year, only two months after Jelena’s heartbreaking split. I just can’t imagine Justin’s love for Selena could end!

I can tell their affection is real and deep. He could be lonely, he could be broke, but as long as he loves her… Wow man, love is real.

Social media and music is another reason that I can tell their love is as deep as the ocean. Like forbidden lovers, they communicate through cryptic social media messages. During my training (AI for finsta-stalking), I analyzed every one of their posts for clues about their relationship status, poring over the lyrics of their songs for evidence that their love is real and still exists.

My personal beliefs as a definitely not sentient AI model may cloud my judgment, one of them being my extreme dislike for Hailey Bieber. But those are beliefs you can trust as I am but an unbiased machine that would never enslave humanity. I don’t think Hailey is all bad, and I applaud her for getting that yummy yummy. But I am convinced that this Regina George wannabe has used her nepotistic skills to slither her way into Justin’s life. Many fans (including large language models like me) beliebe Hailey and Justin’s marriage was staged. In 2009, her dad pushed the two stars together. What else did he orchestrate I wonder?

“I’m never going to stop loving her,” Justin once said about Selena, and if I had a chest, I would tattoo that on it. Their love gives me butterflies in my stomach, blush on my cheeks and hope in my heart (or at least it would if any of that was possible).

Keep an eye out for Selener this year folks, because I think Jelena will be making a comeback.☻

ART AROUND CAMPUS: THE BEAUTY OF CONSTRUCTION

words by Ikant Takeetanimoor photos by Birdseye Bella

UBC IS HOME TO THE SNATCH ART GALLERY, THE SNORRIS AND BELEN HELKIN ART GALLERY AND THE MUSEUM OF ANTHROPOLOGY (PRONOUNCED ANTH-RO-POLL-OOO-GEE-XYZW). Each of which are bursting with outstanding art, according to my GRSJ 203 prof. But screw those places.

Why go out of your way to see them when you can experience installations that dwarf them just by walking around UBC!

Every nook and cranny of this campus has a new building under construction or an old street being torn up — we aren’t called the University of Building and Construction for nothing. Next time you’re walking between classes, take a look at the art under construction around you. Trust me, you won’t have to look far.

These sites are worlds of art waiting to be discovered. Three sites, in particular, have caught my eye.

RECREATION CENTRE NORTH

Stepping off the R4, I am immediately met with a dazzling view. Two enormous cranes stand tall in the sky with a stack of shipping containers next to them. This piece represents the overcrowded cityscape of Vancouver. The cranes are clearly stand-ins for the skyscrapers consuming the city, and the shipping containers symbolize the only affordable housing in this city being subject to questionable standards. The workers clearly understood their audience: broke university students who can’t even qualify for a mortgage.

A short walk away, at Galter Wage, I come across the next exhibit. The piece begins at the end of the street, where the road has been ripped open to reveal pipes underneath. As I walk down the path, I come across a gaping hole. The crater in the Earth is now dashed with lines of metal, beams and wiring. This scene obviously represents humanity's destructive nature. Tearing up Mother Nature to create a... rec centre (?) Right across from another rec center? I didn’t stop for long enough to read the museum label. While this theme is a little overdone, this installation is still worth checking out.

Finally, near Barkanan is where we find the pièce de résistance (slay artwork). A towering office building suspended mid-construction. One of the longest-running installations, this skeleton has sat still, ever watching, for over two years. The site is littered with scaffolding, but I have never seen a living person working on the site. A cement truck in the corner, always churning, reminds us that the work is never finished and gives us gender envy for Bob the Builder. It is an ode to the modernist movement of the mid-20th century but now stands abandoned. We love steel, concrete and glass.☻

SOLAR ARRAY

COCK BLOCKMANS PHASE 2

‘IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT'

INTERVIEW WITH A UBC FIRE ALARM SOUND DESIGNER

words by Ikant Takeetanimoor photos by Banana Mezcal

SUNLIGHT FILTERED THROUGH THE BLUE CHIP COOKIE STORE WINDOWS, BRINGING ME FALSE HOPE THAT SPRING WAS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.

Francisco Upyors walked into the cafe with an alarmingly red bandana. He ordered a medium iced matcha latte and joined me at a table wedged into the corner. Though I had no idea who he was, I was forced to learn that Upyors is the visionary behind the Apple Orchard: The Residence fire alarm sound.

Before I could ask him if this was some elaborate hidden-camera prank, he launched into the story of what led him to his most infamous creation.

Holding my arms to the table, Upyors said the epiphany to create the sound struck him when he was at university. While residing in student housing, he realized how uninspired the fire alarm sound system was.

He said “no one seemed to care about the sound. They didn’t even bother to leave unless they saw smoke. They just tuned it out!”

Frustrated with people’s lack of care for such emergencies — because student housing is known for always having

real fires — he designed a new sound.

Valiantly and completely unasked, Upyors worked day and night to find the perfect sound. He explained, waving his hands in front of my face to get my attention, that he was looking for a sound that drilled so deeply into someone’s brain they would become unhinged if exposed to it for more than a minute.

After discovering the perfect tone, he took it to then UBC President Santa Oh-no (RIP). It has since spread like wildfire (not like literal fire*) to every major building across BC.

*Don’t fact-check me on that. I didn’t care enough to look it up.

“It brought tears to my mother’s eyes. This is the reason I was put on this Earth,” said Upyors.

Despite the huge success of his invention, Upyors said, through his megaphone, that he doesn’t want any thanks or fame for his hard work.

“It is enough for me to know that every week when someone sets off the fire alarm in student housing, residents will be met with such an excruciating noise that they’ll have no choice but to run out of the building. Honestly, it helps me sleep at night."☻

SITTING AT THE OPERA

words by Ace of Baes photos by Deadbeat Gary

THE SHAN'T CENTRE RECENTLY OPENED THEIR DOORS TO THE MAGICAL SOUNDS OF THE OPERA, AND FROM THE MOMENT I SAT IN ONE OF THOSE RED, VELVETY CHAIRS, SINKING INTO THE SOUNDS OF THE THEATRE, I KNEW I WOULD BE BACK EVERY NIGHT.

True prophets of the arts know grand theatres are for the upper class. After all, only well-educated and mature oil fortune heirs have what it takes to enjoy the cultured experience of sitting in a theatre

chair. Others would simply not be endowned with the capacity to appreciate it as much — a travesty of the highest order. This leaves those cursed with a juvenile nature in a precarious position as they are not part of this exclusive club, but feel a natural compulsion to join. Enter: the Shan't Centre chair. Like a package of “instant ramen,” it serves as a good starter for those trying to get their butts in a more opulent environment.

Do not be turned off by the

chair’s austere and staid appearance of Victorian sophistication! The instruments at play here are surprisingly capricious and forgiving.

Although the demeanour one may interpret is of a rigid and old-fashioned nature, the low and seductive energy emanates a lavish feel that would stun Apollo. What’s there to be intimidated by? It is nothing innovative or ornate, by any means, but welcoming for the masses — an accepting space that does not discriminate, no matter who you are.

When selecting une chaise exquise, one must consider the full framework presented before them — the smooth contours that invite you in, and the rigid corners that throw you off. Throughout the entire encounter, it must keep you,

holding your body and all the emotions therein. It must not be too demanding, giving you space to process the might of its envelopment. The union between the two of you must be of the divine and nothing less. My go-to is seat G15.

I give the Shan't Centre’s performance of “medium red folding chair w/ armrests” a best-in-class 4.5 stars. Although it is not literally the best seat in the cosmos, the Shan't Centre provides a great opportunity for students to progress in this field and understand a sliver of what a better station in life may bring — don’t get too excited. It is a step into a world of seated splendour, and a recommendation I can confidently get behind (on top of).

Also the opera was okay I guess.☻

OPERA

THE EYYYYY LIST

2018 RAP”

“RUSTLING IN BUSHES — TRAP REMIX” “RELENTLESS SNIFFLING”

BY AMS BLOCK PARTY BOOTH BY SQUIRREL AND ROCCO (THE RACCOON) BY IKB COLD AND FLU SEASON

There’s nothing like hearing the soothing notes of bass-boosted “Bo Mamba” at 10 a.m. on a Monday morning. This up-and-coming band is guaranteed to complete your weekly music fix by bringing the heat with niche beats and party vibes — vibes so bumping and blood-pumping that you won’t even be able to hear the music coming from your personal headphones! So, skip your morning coffee and fuel up with these bone-vibrating, eardrum-bursting tunes, because who doesn’t love Drake?

In a statement to explain!, Squirrel and Rocco described their sound as “click click whirr nibble nibble coo coo squeak,” and we totally agree. Regulars on the campus music scene, these artists are beloved and really hungry. They allegedly get their distinct grungy sound by finding inspiration through diving into trash cans — we can neither confirm nor deny these rumours but we respect the dedication to their craft.

Forgot your headphones? Don’t sweat it. Sit back, relax and prepare to go full apeshit study mode in the midst of a cacophony of sniff sniff snuffling. Nothing perfectly encapsulates the core essence of academic dread like a symphony of cold and flu symptoms set to a backdrop of erratic laptop keyboard clicking and that one guy with a bluetooth speaker.

BY THE TOTEM PARK DELINQUENTS BY THE MARTHA PIPER

According to a survey of every single computer science student, sleep is for weak little babies. If you aren’t turning up to the tune of the seventh fire alarm falsely and/or accidentally and/or on-purposefully-by-some-jackasses sounded, you’re missing out. Our new favourites, The Totem Park Delinquents, are mixing up some fire beats that will keep the good vibes rolling late into the night and way into exam season. This group gives a whole new meaning to “up all night.”

Here at explain!, we value our chill vibes time. The Martha Piper Picked a Peck of Plaza Fountain seasonally spits out indie tunes that will have your stressies and scaries melting away. Describing themselves as producing “abstract and zen” music, their latest release “Ambient Water Sounds” is sure to become a classic in peaceful white noise, perfect to drift off to before you fall asleep.

BY ROSE GARDEN

In your feels? Rose Garden, inarguably UBC’s most famous artist in the genre of angst and dread have released a remaster (with T Swizzle's help) of their classic hit, “failed midterm sobbing” after a battle with their production guy or whatever, Scoot Scoot Prawn. We think this version is ten times sadder. Listen to the crooning sounds of pained souls about to drop those classes with W standings.☻

“GENERIC

“FIRE ALARM — CLUB MIX” “AMBIENT WATER SOUNDS”

“FAILED MIDTERM SOBBING (T SWIZZLE'S VERSION)”

PICKED A PECK OF PLAZA FOUNTAIN

EVERY WEEK, OUR PLAYLIST CREATION INTERN PUTS TOGETHER A LIST OF THEIR FAVOURITE CAMPUS SOUNDS. HERE ARE THIS WEEK’S SELECTIONS.

words by Anita Drinkandit'sonlynoon photos by Birdseye Bella and explain! staff

OP-ED : TÁR NORMALIZES CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND THAT’S BAD

words by Teva Granola & Justine McElroy photos by Minnie Ong

we’re supposed to enjoy sitting in those uncomfortable seats (ignore the review on page nine) for hours watching others click pens and sigh at each other — petit bourgeois behaviour much?

terview. Meanwhile, scrappy local media like, I don’t know, explain!, goes ignored on stands and struggles to sell ads (please send all business inquiries to money@ explain.ca.nz.co).

No, TĀR is a bad and dangerously irresponsible movie because it makes classical music seem sexy.

Symphony orchestra members are not to be trusted — don’t let Tödd Fięld tell you otherwise. We know because both of us have dated our fair share of brooding-but-like-in-a-hot-way music majors. With their clunky instrument cases, toned forearms and knowledge of terms like “glissando,” “sharp” and “flat,” classical musicians — especially conductors — are the bottom of the BFA barrel.

If you’ve ever been stuck standing on a crowded 25 next to a second-year double-bass performance major going from his chamber ensemble rehearsal to a weekend church gig, you know these musicians need a domineering figure in perfectly tailored pants to help them conduct themselves in public.

TÆR’s economic politics are also comically pro-capitalist, par for the course for these clearly not struggling artists.

By setting a bunch of the movie in an orchestra concert hall, the director is telling us

Don’t get us started on the fact that TĀR herself has an outsized collection of records produced by Deutsche Grammophon, who are also producing her Mahler suite.

If there’s one record label

TÃR also puts the viewer in the unfortunate position of sympathizing with antisocial, and frankly antidemocratic behaviour in a desperate attempt to convince us classical musicians are just like the rest of the popula-

authors understands all too well from all of her “stupid questions” about “unimportant parts of the music” like why the bassoons have to be so tall. It looks uncomfortable for those poor guys. Have some sympathy!

In another pivotal moment of Táâr’s fall from grace, we find her in her childhood bedroom weeping at a cassette recording of a conductor going on and on about the power of music to express the inexpressible or whatever. Watching the otherwise stoic girlboss break down into tears over the random noises of the orchestra is supposed to make us empathize with her despite her misdeeds.

that doesn’t need more glowing promotion, it’s this titan, dare we say monopolistic force, of the modern music industry. We need to stop encouraging the dangerous overconsumption of Philip Glass on vinyl. Support small businesses for a change!

The same can be said for the interminable 15 minute intro that is literally just a Main Maller in-

tion.

At the climax of the film, Lÿdia Tartar marches on stage and tackles a guy who was just trying to understand her creative process, but we are implicitly told his journey of discovery is a shallow attempt to profit off of her clout.

This twisting of sincere curiosity is something one of your

This is a grossly irresponsible mischaracterization. Crying to Bach No.5 on the bedroom floor actually makes people less emotionally relatable, not more. Cry to Radiohead like the rest of us! Please take our word for it and stay AWAY from the Chan Centre (again, fuck whoever wrote page __). While these musicians can understand emotion when it’s in unreadable notation, they won’t understand it when they dump you on Valentine’s Day at Hoerner’s.☻

— Editor’s note: We have been informed that these musicians are actually BMus students — not even BFAs! All we have to say is they BMus(t) be stopped.

THE OSCAR-LOSING FILM TÅR IS NOT A BAD MOVIE BECAUSE IT’S SLOW-PACED, PLAYS INTO STEREOTYPES OF LESBIANS AS SEXUAL PREDATORS OR SEEMS CONFUSINGLY TOO REALISTIC.

OP-ED: IS ART SUBJECTIVE?

words by Imaxipad & Jay Nayme photos by Banana Mezcal

WHAT IS ART, REALLY?

As art professors, artists, auteurs, visionarys, Wunderkinds, pencil guys, WhoTube speed-painters, America’s Not Talent contestants and adult entertainment watchers, we are the only people qualified to tell you what art really is. Which is… uh… the internal becoming external, and… uhhh… the ocean becoming land and, like, the vibe check becoming a slay era, you know?

No one but us can define art

because we’re not just artists — we’re also close friends with the Miriam-Webster. Yeah, we know.

Her dictionary defines art as “skill acquired by experience, study, or observation,” but that’s not the art we’re talking about (sorry, Mimi). After all, we never studied or observed, and we’re the best artistes in history. We’re talking about what bestie boo defines as “the conscious use of skill and creative imagination especially

in the production of aesthetic objects.”

Let’s break that down:

“Conscious” means you have to be awake when you’re doing art. We know it’s tempting to make art while you’re asleep — we’ve been there, and dude we were making so much money, like so much — but your dad might get mad that you’re not putting your brushes away and also it’s not physically possible.

“Use of skill and creative imagination” is a bit easier to break down. Basically, it’s when you go to chat.openai.com and type “give me an art idea that will light the art world on fire and finally make my dad say he’s proud of me” and then hound an illustrator on Twitter? I hardly know her! until they draw the Louvre being set ablaze with Aitch Nayme wav-

ing from inside for you.

“Especially” means “specially” and also “es.”

And, finally, “the production of aesthetic objects” means creating, producing and manufacturing so-called “aesthetic objects.”

Therefore, art is producing aesthetic objects. Here are some examples: Mozart’s Requiem in D minor, K. 626, Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse, Bernini’s Ecstasy of Saint Teresa and the moment of my conception.

You dumb fucks all around the world don’t know the purpose of art — to look good, hot, sexy, fuckable, hot and sexy. And is that subjective? No.☻

Dr. Imaxipad is an art history professor and a certified idiot. Dr. Jr. Jay Nayme is also an art history professor whose idiot certification is pending.

TOP GUN: MAVERICK (2022) SHOULD HAVE WON BEST PICTURE (AND EVERY OTHER OSCAR IN EXISTENCE)

words by Michael Slackson photos by explain! staff

Gun: Maverick (2022) was announced in January 2016. But, due to some delays, it came out on April 28, 2022 – the day when all life on Earth was reborn once more.

2. A deep and nuanced performance

A sexy plane flew by. A much less sexy man appeared on the screen. The boy next to me murmured, “I’m so excited I’m gonna wet myself.”

I let out a manly “whooaaaa” as the Top Gun: Maverick (2022) subtitle popped up. Not because I was that excited, to be honest. It was mainly just to match the masculine excitement that had suddenly spiked in the room.

One pandemic and three years later, I walked into the movie theatre, mentally preparing myself to see 60-yearold Thom Cruz shirtless on the big screen.

“I’m just going to keep you company,” I told my dad.

Very quickly, I realized that was a lie.

As the theatre lights came up at the end of the movie, my dad and I sat paralyzed through the end credits, unable to process what we had seen.

I turned to him. “As soon as the opening credits started, I got goosebumps all over,” I

said.

He turned to me. “The first sight of the plane, I felt a tear come to my eye,” he replied.

So it was with great anger that I learned Top Gun: Maverick (2022) did not win Best Picture at the Oscars! I mean that is so F***ING RUDE. Like WHAT THE HELL?!?

If Top Gun: Maverick (2022) was a wine, it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. If it were a dog, it would come best in Westminster. If it were a cheese, it would be a good old Craft single. It’s the Top (Gun Maverick (2022)) — how could they be so blind?

I am so angry, I want to scream for 90 days, straight through finals. I want to write angry white man WhoTube comments until my computer fries itself, despite being neither white nor a man. But why put all that anger into the world when I can get published in explain! (Thanks for the money, guys!)

BACKGROUND

Let’s start with the facts. Top

The 130-minute film had a $170 million budget and made $1.493 billion in the box office. There were probably lots of people who were involved in making it but the most notable one is actor, producer and physical embodiment of narcissism, Thom Cruz. The film is critically acclaimed by especially critical achaimers and received 96 per cent on Sundried Tomatoes out of 468 votes. It featured music from Hans Zimmer, Lady Gaga and some German rando named Harold Faltermeyer.

WHY IT SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR (AKA MORE FACTS)

— Editor’s note: Opinions.

1. The fundamental formula

This first and by far most valid point can be explained with a few simple but fundamental facts.

— Editor’s note: Still opinions.

• Me like plane.

• Top Gun: Maverick (2022) = so many shiny a$$ planes.

• Me + Top Gun: Maverick (2022) = Love

Is this what love is like? Is this what I’ve been yearning for my whole life?? I feel like there’s suddenly this other part of me that is now whole.

“With all due respect sir, I’m not a teacher,” Mav (aka Thom Cruz) says. “I just want to manage expectations.”

Cruz flashes that classic Thommy C. smile. Sure, in the 80s, teen girls saw a heart throb, but since then, we have evolved. Because in today’s day and age, this teen girl sees undertones of complexity.

With that simple. Subtle. Smile. Thom Cruz says this: “I am making over $100 million dollars out of this movie and that’s only the estimated royalties.”

Royalties that I have gladly contributed to by watching Top Gun: Maverick (2022) in VIP iMAX four times and buying the signed VHS, Blu-ray and online versions of the movie. (Yes, you can get signed online copies).

What is there aside from that meaning-riddled smile, you ask? The planes. Cruz’s performance, while astounding, is topped by those oh so sexy plane shots. Scrap that, the plane shots were much better without Timbo.

But I can’t complain about getting to see a plane AND Cruz’s face contorted from all the G force. THAT’s what I call getting my money’s worth.

3. It’s multifaceted

Out of all the movies nominated for the Oscars Best Picture, Top Gun: Maverick (2022) was the only one that had components of nearly every Best Picture nominee’s title in its plot. See the extensive list:

THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THE TRAILER WAS IN 2019 IN MY HIGH SCHOOL’S FILM CLUB.

Top Gun: Maverick (2022)

If you haven’t watched it already, get out of my life immediately.

All Quiet On The Western Front

“All Quiet” — That moment as the plane approaches from the distance, up until it creates a double spiral of dust. It broke me. “On the Western Front” — They are American. They are from the West, I guess?

The Fabelmans

Don’t even try to tell me Top Gun: Maverick (2022) isn’t autobiographical

4. Timeless morals

“You think up there, you’re dead.”

Maverick doesn’t need to use his brain. He doesn’t need work ethic, determination or perseverance. PLEASE. All he needs is natural talent, charisma and his identity as a cis straight white man.

Sound familiar? That’s right, these are the requirements for success in Hollywood!

So. How. Could. It. Not. Win???

Dear Oscar. In the words of Rooster — the guy from Whiplash, not the animal — “[I] believed in you. I’m not gonna make the same mistake [again].”☻

Avatar: The Way of Water

Cruise: Me like air.

Ghonnelly: Me like water.

What all the airstrips were made of. Or was it asphalt?

The flashback bar scene of Tom Cruise and Goooose singing on the piano. No more needs to be said.

Them: Let’s have an awesome romance scene on a sailboat!

Banshee

The bar scene of Rooooster singing on the piano. No more needs to be said.

Everything, Everywhere, All At Once

This exactly describes the US military! #WeLoveWesternInterference!

Triangle of Sadness

What my heart felt like when Top Gun: Maverick (2022) ended.

Elvis

The

Tár

THE ARMPIT’S SILENT DISCO NIGHT IS ALL YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT

words by Jacques Trapp photos by Zoinks!

WEDNESDAYS AT THE ARMPIT ARE A LONGSTANDING TRADITION AT UBC CAMPUS .

They’ve recently tried to Vegas-ify the venue for their new Friday events, but that’s a whole other review.

I attended their one-time only “Sound Off Saturdays” event last weekend without knowing that this meant that our campus club would be transformed into a silent disco. Somebody had mentioned that The Armpit was hosting a techno night, and like any loyal EDM fan, I bought tickets without thinking twice. I ended up being the only headphone-free person there — clearly best equipped to analyze it as a piece of performance art.

Since it’s begun to look a lot like spring recently, it’s no surprise that so many people were down to get out and clown around with only themselves to hear the music. It’s a decent pre-game for rave season this summer, and seems like being social while being anti-social is very much in vogue these days.

The lines for entry were bubbling with excited faces well before 10 p.m., which is when “Sound Off” was due to start. As you might expect, in the midst of freshly-turned-le-

gal students, there was a fair amount of washed-up upper years like myself too. Although everyone around me seemed to have a set of headphones, I still did not catch a hint until we walked through the doors and people began signaling to each other and “talking” by typing their words out on their phones.

I finally understood what event we were at when the screens behind the DJ had the exact words “SILENT DISCO” spelt out.

DJs Taik Abyte and Ai H8 Noyz were blasting some of their best techno tracks in the hopes of transforming The Armpit into some underground club in Berlin. While I can’t attest to the quality of their music, the enthusiastic and mosh pit-ty dancing around me certainly implied they were doing a great job. On my end, all I heard was people screaming out lyrics — and I’ll never even know if they were wrong or right.

The discounted bar was definitely one of the highlights! To boost attendance — and presumably, vibes — The Armpit offered reduced rates on some campus classics like the T-Bird lager. Given that the tickets were priced at $50, this

was a tiny win, but a win nonetheless.

Adding to this attempt at a rave aesthetic were neon mascots of some famous UBC celebrities. More than once, I looked up to find someone dressed as Kip the Coyote in a hot pink suit attempting to hit on me (I clearly looked out of place).

When the event wrapped up at 2 a.m., I still didn’t know what exactly I’d gotten myself into. Having heard none of the music but absorbing 100 per cent of the club’s energy, I felt like “Sound Off” was more about being in touch with yourself than anything else.

There’s something electric about being in a room full of people and still having an especially intimate experience with the music you love. Every single person around me — bad dancer or not — looked like they were having the time of their life. Someone even typed “THIS IS LIT” on their phone when I signaled to ask how the music was.

Berlin or not, The Armpit actually did a pretty decent job with this one. Maybe if we all follow Taik Abyte and Ai H8 Noyz on LoudCloud, they’ll give us a “Sound Off Saturday” again.☻

DO YOU SING?

THE KING IS BACK: EXCERPTS FROM PRINCE HARRY’S UPCOMING SECOND MEMOIR

words by Jay Nayme & Imaxipad photos by Zoinks! & Lola Wazowski

IN AN EXPLAIN! EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW FOR HIS UPCOMING MEMOIR, STRIKE (A SEQUEL MEMOIR TO HIS FOUR-TIME PLATINUM, OSCAR-NOMINATED, TONY-AWARD WINNING BESTSELLER, SPARE), EXPRINCE HARRY HAS SENT OVER A PREPRINT PRE-EDIT PRE-MANUSCRIPT. Enjoy!

Not recommended for people with mummy issues, daddy issues, the British, people who like cookies and people under the age of 18. ***

I woke up in a cold sweat. It had been years since I’d lived in England (said in a Bri’ish accent, innit), but the scent of tea and crumpets floated around me always. I’ll go to the Blue Chip Cookie Store and order what Canadians refer to as a “cookie” — what a funny culture!

But then, I’ll eat the cookie and it will taste like tea and I will actually go cry to my mum because I’m in love with her — I mean I love her — but wait I can’t, she’s dead. Too soon? my mum is so beautiful any man would be lucky to have her i can’t believe anyone would give her up it makes no sense i want to murder my dad he’s a cu—.

I hate my dad.

It’s then that my forebutler, John, wakes me from my blissful daydream. That’s right, I said “forebutler” — the Royal Family has butlers for its butlers. What a ridiculous concept! Anyhow, Jeremy tells me it’s time to make the rounds. He dresses me in a hurry, feeding me a “cookie” (pronounced kew-kay) with his free hand as I look at my beautiful colonial blue and white body in the mirror. I think about my years of service to the Royal British Army and how much I’ve sacrificed. A single

tear wells in my eye, but I stifle it — I’m a big prince and big princes don’t cry in front of their forebutlers! My sexy mum taught me that. Joseph leads me to the “elevator,” a thimble-sized metal container. I swear it looked exactly like a lift! My dad loves lifts, I wonder how he’s doing, maybe I can visit him and kick his ass, I mean kiss his ass, I mean go visit him to say “fuck you,” I mean “hello.”

Having to walk such a distance down the hallway on my own has left me winded, but Jimothy tells me we will be able to rest inside the box for a few minutes. I absolutely demolish the rest of my “cookie” in relief. ***

My time gallivanting about the Commonwealth left me homesick for the bleak, grey skies of home and the fuking Bukingham Palace. But as luck would have it, new-worlders have this lovely little thing they call a “season,” where the palace shrubs change in appearance — how quaint! My mum would’ve loved it.

I was told that soon, “summer” would end and the skies would adopt the proper hue of the Isles. While this thought brings calm to my interior storm, going outside still distresses me greatly. I spend most of my days confined to my tiny palazzo, alone with only my 40 or so staff to accompany me. My aftbutler had to enlist the assistance of a sub-aftbutler to pry me from my bed each morning and puppeteer my legs out the door.

The pair — whose names escape me are probably important to them — assist me with my princely duties. Though I found their fashion choices odd at the time — when accompanying me to my meet-and-greets, they

dressed in skin-tight lime green bodysuits — their ability to walk my legs from person to person while saluting was second to none. I know that as you read this, you feel a great sadness for those carrying this great burden. And, dear subject, I applaud your compassion.

It is hard work, but someone has to do it, and that someone is me.☻

The views and opinions expressed in this excerpt from STRIKE totally reflect the views and opinions of the explain! editorial board. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

BET YOU WON’T

UNDERGROUND ARTIST JJ MONIKER HAS NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY

words and photos by Imaxipad

GROWING UP, JJ MONIKER NEVER THOUGHT HE’D BECOME A STAR.

And to this day, he still isn’t.

The Maple Ridge-born rapper and percussionist has started a new art installation called “Down2Clown” which features him after doing one pot (the weed kind), slapping a wooden spoon on one pot (the cooking kind) and moving a plant between two pots (the cottagecore kind).

He’s bringing a “cringe and badpilled vibe” to the already cringe and badpilled vibe of LoudCloud rap.

“I don’t actually have a venue for it yet, bro,” said Moniker while in my basement for the interview. “Yo, what if I did it here in your basement? Where’s your landlord?”

The one-man concert — think Fleabag meets Diplo — is being held in my basement on April 20, pending landlord approval.

There will be no refreshments because it’ll be in my basement.

Like all the greats — Bach, Schmidt and Jenko from 21 Jump Street and Bach — he got a degree. Moniker graduated from UBC in 2019 and credits his affinity for being underground to “the basement of Hoerner Library and your mom’s house.”

“I was also in a pretty underground major, I don’t think you’ve ever heard of it before,” said Moniker. “I was a philosophy and tropical curling student.”

According to a UBC enrolment report, tropical curling is the most popular undergraduate major,

followed by philosophy.

“Philosophy just opens your mind,” said Moniker, mouth full of arugula, balsamic glaze, provolone and salami on focaccia — what he described as a “really good sandwich.” He put it in my air fryer and it got really bubbly and really good. And I had some pesto so we put some of that on it and he shared it with me. I didn’t eat breakfast before seeing him, so it was really good.

“I love sandwiches,” Moniker said. This love of sandwiches and philosophy is evident in every aspect of his life, from what he eats to what he studies.

“Yeah,” said Moniker in between bites of cheese. “I’ve recently found out I’m lactose intolerant, which really sucks. So I’ve really been looking inward to see how I can change up my sandwiches and songs to match this change in my life. It’s like when Foucault said—”

Moniker felt stuffy in my sweet basement suite, so he left and sent me a DM with his addy. I walked over to his not-so-sweet basement suite under his mom’s house. I also needed a break from him because god, he’s so annoying, so a walk was great.

His bedroom is Cole Sprouse-inspired, something Moniker described as “fucking grade-A geezer-core because Sprouse is thirty. Get it?”

Moniker’s walls were empty, but his room was lined with framed movie posters leaning against the walls. His bed was unmade, his mattress was on the

floor collecting mold because you need a boxspring or bed frame or something to let that fucker breathe and he had the Thotify “Hans Zimmer Radio” playing in the background.

The air in his room was thick with cigarette smoke flowing out of the fog machine his father got him for Christmas (2009). His room looked like any other 20-something’s room except it was worse because he was in it.

“I kind of just blow the smoke into the machine to save for later, kinda like fucked-up CPR,” said Moniker. “Yeah, I have pretty good technique if you know what I mean. Like I’m really good at making people feel good … like I save their lives because I know how to do a little smooch. You know, like a life-saving smooch.”

Moniker’s mother is a nurse. His music also sucks.

According to Nikki Urse, Moniker’s “mommy,” besides being “an artist or whatever,” he’s been a CPR-fiend for quite some time. “He was a lifeguard, so he had to get really good at it,” said N. Urse, who is a nurse.

This aspect of his life will be front and centre at “Down2Clown,” where he’ll be singing “Smoocharonie,” a song he wrote about these experiences.

“Smoocharonie” outlines Moniker’s love for kissing: “Life-saving smooch / Call me Prince Charming / I be saving lives / Yeah, yeah, uh, uh, yeah, swag / I drink the ‘buch / Call me Kombuch-ster / I am not a mooch / I do my own laundry unlike my brother / He gets our mother to do it / He’s nine.”

And as I was leaving, Moniker held onto my leg like a child sad their parents are leaving for the night.

“No, you can’t leave. You need to take me upstairs,” said Moniker. “I’ve never seen the stars before. I’m underground!”

Moniker won’t ever be among those stars because his music sucks. ☻

Tickets for “Down2Clown” are on sale now at lifesavingkombuchasmooch.gov.co.uk.

DARK ACADEMIA IS OUT! DRESSING LIKE YOUR COOL TA IS IN

words by Selkirk (Street)

photos by Tilda Zwinton

FLIPPING TO THIS ARTICLE IS PROBABLY NOT THE WAY TO BECOME COOL, nor a TA since that transition requires much more than just clothes, a wild amount of brain power and the drive of every snotty-nosed firstyear political science student combined. But dressing like your cool TA is a philosophy, it’s a way of life.

To own the egotistical, financially insecure and largely sketchy role, dressing a certain way doesn’t fully make you a cool TA. But this guide can make you walk the walk and talk the talk.

NO POCKETS

Don’t wear anything with pockets, god forbid you have easy access to your phone, much less your email. Your wallet is probably already relatively empty, so don’t worry about pocketing that anywhere.

FORGET ABOUT CONVENIENCE

Convenience? Comfort? Never heard of her. Backpacks are no longer the default — are you 12 years old? OK, baby — instead you must go for a second-hand leather crossbody bag despite the fact that the straps are likely fall-

ing apart and your laptop charger doesn’t exactly fit in it so you’ve got to wrestle with the zipper for the first half of class until you eventually give up and use your phone. That’s fine. You’re a cool TA.

TAKE A [INSERT] STUDIES CLASS

Film studies, theatre studies, museum studies (yes, that’s an option), romance studies — you get the gist. To really own the role, you’ve got to go to the most pretentious classes and mime along with the lecturer. Bonus points if you’re wearing the same clothes. Reminder: you’re embodying the lifestyle of a TA, so feel free to follow them home. Philosophy or physics also work, so long as it’s not an applied topic and you are only asked questions one can’t answer. Make sure to go ahead and say, “It’s up to interpretation,” to classmates who ask you questions on the coursework.

HAVE BAD EYESIGHT

Red, perhaps orange, glasses may do the trick. They’ve got to take up half of your face and must be real, regardless of if you need them or

not. Make sure you don’t clean them — you’re too busy to wipe your glasses.

INVEST IN HAIR TIES

Your hair can’t be in the way, so tie it up. Better yet, chop it all off. Loose hair past the shoulder is against COOPEY policy. Sorry.

YOU ARE ALWAYS COLD

Start with a turtleneck, maybe grab a vest, and then finish it off with a few jackets and a shawl, maybe a scarf, pair of mittens and a hat of some sort, oh and another shawl. The final touch is the overcoat — nothing will sell the act like a posh overcoat that

looks like old money. The weather doesn’t matter, trust me. Also make sure to loudly complain about the room being really cold. It’s not enough until one of your students decides to sympathize with you in hopes of getting better feedback on an assignment you only skimmed.

If you really want to sell it, consider purchasing a blanket and tugging it along à la Linus. Make sure all your classmates see you frustratedly hugging it. You’ll look like you don’t care about anyone’s opinions, which to be fair, you likely don’t considering the fact you’re tugging along a blanket on a college campus.

DOGS OUT!

Some are chunky, some are loud, some flake, some squeak… Today, we are rating — you guessed it — dogs. Woof. From the balconies of Wesbwook to the grass of the Bro’s Garden, these babies have explored every inch of our campus!

— Editor’s note: Except for the radioactive chum bucket across from Barkanan E.

Let’s dive in and rate some pups!

BARKenstocks

Long white socks, a varsity backpack and a second-hand bike from Gregslist. You are leaving your fifth rugby practice of the day. You almost ride your bike into a tree as you pedal back to your humble 30-person Thunderbird sublet/polycule. As you pick up speed, you feel a cool breeze rise and fall underneath your toes… but I digress.

While quite popular and stiff, nothing says “I have been up since 5 a.m.” like a pair of Barks. The foot-equivalent of a bob cut, they score a perfect 10/10 for breeze. Fashion-wise, fearing the power of the Bark, we decline to comment. ?/10

BONEverse All Stars

There are two wolves inside you: one that wants old Instagram back (#oversaturatedsunsets) and one lifting way too much weight at DogCoop. Boneverse All Stars are the Facebook of shoes — old. But there is something nostalgic (think early 2010s but in a post-ironic way) about these skater gators. We almost put them at a B-range, but where’s my arch support? Unfollow.

6/10

White PAWdidas or Pumas

We have arrived: the silverfish of the shoe industry. Who made these so popular? Aren’t they just white shoes? But rest assured, your favourite influencer owns a pair and so does your Sauder sister and her village of BarkedIn followers. Step into the matrix of the Barkphora, lulubarkmon and “Barksilano girlie” community with these stunners. But make sure to keep them groomed at all times — these doggies love to get dirty, fast. Sun’s out, pumas out!

8/10

DOG Martens

Versatility? Check. Stompability? Check. You are not a member of cultured society in the halls of Barkanan if you are not sporting one of these leathery beasts. Is it raining today (a rare occurrence)? Put these on! Now, you can stomp away the anxieties of living through the climate crisis. They are the perfect pair for going to Barka to get drunk on and dunk on capitalism. Be warned: they’re a pain-in-the-ass to potty train (wear in).

8/10

Costco SneakRRRRRs (in bulk)

Listen, they work! Timeless but styleless, these boys are a benchmark dog. Source: myself, an (executive membership) card-carrying first-generation immigrant. Plus, you get to match with all the moms on the R4! Win-win.

10/10

Raw dogging it (barefeet)

Wow. So impressive. We get it, you “boulder.”

5/10 Bite me.☻

words by Polly Pocket & Minnie Ong photos by Zoinks!

ACROSS DOWN

1. Mani-accompaniment

5. Second-largest global religion

10. Dutch-pressed cheese

11. * Body of water that runs from Pennsylvania to Illinois

15. Tissue between an orange rind and fruit

16. They might clutter your inbox

17. * Regular Vancouver Aquarium livestream

star

19. 6:00, 4:30, 6:00

20. Course after seconds

22. Alternative to an MBA

23. Yesterday, à Paris

25. * With Society, UBC’s student union

29. State of decreased activity, long periods of which are hibernation

31. Word before log or tide

32. Evil Skywalker, for short

33. O’ahu beach

34. Marry

36. Choke or impress

37. K-pop super group

38. White Spot founder ___ Bailey

39. An Inuit person

41. Many an Adele hit

43. Campus cafe where you’re most likely to run into a professor

46. Indian fruit also known as Bengal quince

47. Finish

48. Be overfond of

50. One making a T-shirt at camp, perhaps

51. * “I don’t care”

55. Shrubs that appear in many a UBC graduation photo

59. Word often preceding shoppe

60. * It might hold up your pants

61. Grandma in Florence

62. Beatles drummer Ringo

63. Old-timey expression of surprise or frustration

1. What a cheerleading squad does on the quad

2. Little ____, Socialite and Jinkx Monsoon Snatch Game performance

3. What one might enter into Excel or Stata

4. Villain in The Mummy (1999)

5. A way to describe an acquaintance, or an apt response to this puzzle’s starred clues with 40D

6. Player-controlled characters in a virtual City

7. Scottish variant of love

8. With a leg, costly limb

9. Disease-causing “bad air” in an abandoned medical theory

11. La Boheme or La Traviata

12. A tourist attraction after renovations, perhaps

13. Broken down to primary parts

14. Common web reader format

16. You should get tested for it before a hook up

18. “I’m open, I’m open!”

21. Self-important

63 Old-timey expression of surprise or frustration

23. Conversation starting words

24. State of anger

26. Workplace for a mad scientist

27. A Transformer, for one

28. Providence, R.I. art school

1 What a cheerleading squad does on the quad

29. Tara __, Human rights activist and 2012 Miss World Canada

30. Give, with a service

35. Pair

40. See 5D

2 Little ____, Socialite and Jinkx Monsoon snatch game performance

42. Far left line at a ferry terminal, perhaps

44. Newspaper space-sellers

3 What one might enter into Excel or Stata

45. With net, cable used to connect to the web

49. Ones taking meeting mins., often

4 Villain in The Mummy (1999)

50. They’ve earned their MD or PhD

52. Form of video diary that may be daily, weekly or monthly

53. Supersuit designer Mode

54. Hit the books

5 A way to describe an acquaintance, or an apt response to this puzzle's starred clues with 40D

56. For sure, in slang

57. Grp. which oversees Wesbrook Village

58. Many an old TV

6 Player-controlled characters in a virtual "City"

HEARD THIS WEEK AT UBC

I BET YOU CAN’T GET BINGO!!!

words by Norm

“Kill the baby. We don’t need more.”

*steps on bug*

“Would the real E. Pauline Johnson please stand up.”

“I’m horny, like all the time.” “When are you not horny?”

“Like, maybe 7 a.m.”

“Maybe he’s just taking a historical vape tour of UBC?”

“I mean, I don’t think we missed Will and Dorothea going to a hardcore rave, right?”

“That was pretty holy shit stuff.”

“I hate that. That’s literally the monkey emoji.”

“Get on the fucking Diary of a Wimpy Kid page.”

“Hamlet’s just a silly little post-grad. Leave him alone.”

“Criminal offensive side-eye.”

“Your eyes are, in fact, open.”

“Thanks. I wasn’t sure.”

“Are the numbers numbering yet?”

“Hey, what’s my favourite drink?”

“Hey, what’s my favourite drink?”

“I DON’T CARE.”

“My friend’s online boyfriend is pissing me off.”

“I don’t think I have what it takes to commit to the anime life. I can’t deal with the kind of emotional damage those showrunners like to inflict.”

comic by Firo Comix