BROKEN NEWS

NEWS

By Liam Donnelly (he/him)

CLAMPED CARS AND DECREASED THEFT DIRECTLY LINKED

The University’s security crew and their addiction to clamping cars are helping to greatly reduce crime, specifically theft, in the Ilam area.

Ilam and Upper Riccarton suburbs have in recent months fallen victim to increase rates of theft and burglary.

Thankfully, UC security has responded by fostering a safer community using a technique called ‘car clamping’.

“Punishing all those who can’t afford exorbitantly high parking prices sends a clear message that homes and flats are safe, obviously,” said a spokesperson for security.

Pictured: Heartbroken student with his clamped skateboard.

PSYC105 STUDENT DEMANDS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ACTOR GATEWAY TO HELL TURNS OUT TO BE CHURCH CORNER PARKING LOT

Theatrical students are demanding greater attention and more respect for their abilities as actors.

A raft of students have made claims that they’re not being treated fairly, despite their elite pedigree as part-time volunteer actors.

“If I wanted to NOT be taken seriously as an actor, I would’ve gone to Toi Whakaari or NASDA. But I came to UC to study Psychology and Sports Nutrition; I deserve respect as an actor.”

UC alumni, Daniel Day-Lewis, has thrown his support behind the actors. If you’ve ever tried to park at the Church Corner block of shops and thought that it’s a nightmare, hellish activity, it turns out your right.

Over the weekend, the devil decided to return to the surface world for the first time in over 4000 years.

In order to return, the gates of hell had to be opened, and thus the earth beneath the Church Corner parking lot collapsed.

“The collapsing of the earth and the literal opening of hell has dramatically improved the usability and aesthetic of the Church Corner parking lot,” said a City Council spokesperson.

By Ngawahine Thomson (she/her)

Winter is coming, and now is a great time to think about ways to keep yourself well during the colder months. As the chill sets in, our bodies are adjusting to not only physical changes but mental and social changes as well. The days are getting shorter, and it’s destroying whatever sleep schedule we might’ve already had. The gloomy weather will have a lot of us feeling down and lacking the energy to get out and about. By taking care of all aspects of our Whare Tapa Whā, winter might turn into a restful reset.

Our natural circadian rhythm is altered with the days getting shorter, but we don’t typically follow it and instead keep our normal sleep and wake times. When the sun goes down, melatonin is naturally produced to get us ready for bed, and this can leave us feeling tired and sluggish earlier in the day. Smash out your goals during the day and let your body rest in the evenings.

Take the time to actively relax this winter. Have a cup of your favourite tea and read a good book. Take advantage of the app ‘Balance’ and their free year subscription that is available for the rest of 2021, and engage in mindfulness activities like meditation. My personal favourite way to relax is a nice hot bath. If you don’t have a bath, borrow your mum’s or your best mate’s and give your muscles a chance to decompress. Summer and the start of the university year create a lot of opportunities to lead a busy social life. In the thick of winter, no one really wants to be getting out of the house if it’s not necessary, but it’s a good chance to invite friends over for a lowkey potluck and winter catch up. Social interaction benefits our overall hauora and allows chances to check in with your friends and let each other know how things are going.

Most importantly, listen to your tinana and give it the nourishment it deserves – whether that be through eating good food to sustain your body or spending some time outside to breathe in the crisp winter air. Drink plenty of water and moisturise often to help your skin fight the dreaded winter dryness. Your body will show you what it needs, so pay attention and fulfil those needs.

Look after yourselves this winter, e hoa mā. Our bodies and minds need the time to rest and recover through a chilly winter. Mā te wā!

@cdhbyac

Gain work experience and earn Internship applications now open Semester 2 and Summer 2021 PACE Internships degree points www.canterbury.ac.nz/arts/internships-programme/

Art By Rebekah Palmer

Gaining fame on Twitter, comedienne Audrey Porne has just finished her live circuit on the stage of the` Auckland International Comedy Festival with The Porne Identity. Having won the South Island Breakthrough Comedian 2019, from the NZ Comedy Guild, she is quickly making a name for herself on the comedy stage and has been described as an “iconic voice” and “unlike anyone else”. Liam Stretch asked her the hard questions.

Who is Audrey Porne?

An NZ comedian with a banana allergy. Nothing too serious, like, bananas won’t kill me, but they make me vomit and stuff. Pretty nasty, really! The most convenient fruit and I can’t eat it. But it’s just something I’ve bravely learned to live with.

What’s your comedy style?

A wee bit absurdist, unhinged but peppy. I don’t pick on my audience members, but only because I’m usually much shorter than most of them.

When did you realise you’re funny?

When middle-aged American men started sending me death threats on Twitter.

When did other people realise you’re funny?

When they opened Twitter one day, read one of my silly hot takes and found my tweets so unbelievably hilarious [that] they decided to start sending me death threats.

Where did you get your start in comedy?

In late 2017 – I entered a stand-up competition in Christchurch for people who had never performed comedy before, and I won! My prize was cash and an ego the size of a small bus. Do you test jokes on your cat?

It’s like you can see into my home. Yes, genuinely, I do. They’re never impressed, which is crushing, but can you imagine if one day a cat actually laughed like a human? That would be the end of me. There’s no coming back from hearing something like that.

Who inspires you?

People who wear white jeans. Imagine having that confidence. I’m shaking.

Do you like Whittaker’s L&P chocolate?

It’s like an ex who did nothing wrong; tried it, probably wouldn’t go back to it, might ignore it if I see it in public, but there’s no hate there.

What is one thing everyone should own?

BASEketball on DVD. I personally own 47 copies. If you stack them on top of each other, nothing happens, but it gives you something to do.

What’s one gig you wish you never did?

I did a gig where I had to do my usual material but with different mannerisms predetermined by a card pulled from a hat. Never, ever let a hat make decisions for you. It was not good! I had to do my set in a monotone, low-energy style, which works great for many comedians, but not for me. I no longer trust hats or anyone who wears them. What’s the strangest heckle you’ve ever had, and how did you deal with it?

People rarely heckle me! Maybe I’m too intimidating. The weirdest heckles are when there are literally 100 people in the audience, and one single person – usually a man – decides to tell everyone his life story from the back of the room. Stop it, Josh! No one cares that your wife left you after the dog ran away. Grow up and start a podcast like an adult!

What’s on the horizon for you?

After my show-run in Auckland for NZ International Comedy Festival, I’ll head back to Christchurch and be so sick of the sound of my own voice; I’ll probably crawl into a cave somewhere. Maybe get a fringe… I don’t have the bone structure, but change is good, you know? I might get really into plants or something. Give golf a try.

What are you ordering at the fish and chip shop?

Blue cod! I don’t eat meat, but I do eat fish - I’m a pescatarian, which is Latin for “hypocrite”.