NEWS By Liam Donnelly (he/him)
CLAMPED CARS AND DECREASED THEFT DIRECTLY LINKED The University’s security crew and their addiction to clamping cars are helping to greatly reduce crime, specifically theft, in the Ilam area.
Ilam and Upper Riccarton suburbs have in recent months fallen victim to increase rates of theft and burglary. Thankfully, UC security has responded by fostering a safer community using a technique called ‘car clamping’. “Punishing all those who can’t afford exorbitantly high parking prices sends a clear message that homes and flats are safe, obviously,” said a spokesperson for security.
Pictured: Heartbroken student with his clamped skateboard.
PSYC105 STUDENT DEMANDS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ACTOR
GATEWAY TO HELL TURNS OUT TO BE CHURCH CORNER PARKING LOT
Theatrical students are demanding greater attention and more respect for their abilities as actors.
If you’ve ever tried to park at the Church Corner block of shops and thought that it’s a nightmare, hellish activity, it turns out your right.
A raft of students have made claims that they’re not being treated fairly, despite their elite pedigree as part-time volunteer actors.
Over the weekend, the devil decided to return to the surface world for the first time in over 4000 years.
“If I wanted to NOT be taken seriously as an actor, I would’ve gone to Toi Whakaari or NASDA. But I came to UC to study Psychology and Sports Nutrition; I deserve respect as an actor.” UC alumni, Daniel Day-Lewis, has thrown his support behind the actors.
In order to return, the gates of hell had to be opened, and thus the earth beneath the Church Corner parking lot collapsed. “The collapsing of the earth and the literal opening of hell has dramatically improved the usability and aesthetic of the Church Corner parking lot,” said a City Council spokesperson.
