Draw on me
EDITORIAL
Tēnā koutou
I hope you’ve enjoyed CANTA so far this year. If you haven’t… well, fuck you. In this issue of CANTA, I’m passing on some of my editorial responsibility and letting you finish the magazine. Is it because I’m lazy? Maybe. Is it because you’re all more creative than me? Also maybe. Is it because I’m stealing this theme idea from someone? Probably. This ‘Make Your Own’ CANTA issue reflects a student’s life in today’s climate: it’s entirely up to you to make your own go of it, but you’re also expected to solve all the world’s problems at the same time. The only difference being selfish boomers caused the world’s problems, and CANTA’s problems were just caused by one dickhead in his 20s. In this issue, we’ve given you space to share your thoughts and opinions, flex your artistic muscle, and show off your problem-solving skills. Together we can fix the world using a 48page magazine. This is also the last issue before the end of Semester 1. When you return to campus, our next CANTA will feature all the best submissions we’ve received from this issue, with prizes for all those who get featured. So, make sure to submit your work! Okay, so at this point in my editorial, I’ve got major writer’s block. I know there’s a lot of things I could address, but I have no idea which things to cover or how. But basically, it’s been a drama-filled semester, and once it’s over, you should forget it all, fuck off, and frolic in a field of flowers. Lots of love, Liam Donnelly. P.S. design your own cover x
CONTENTS 06 NEWS
CANTA TEAM Managing Editor Liam Donnelly - editor@canta.co.nz
09 BROKEN NEWS
Print Editor Liam Stretch - print@canta.co.nz
14 AUDREY PORNE
News Editor Emily Heyward Designer Conor Jones
16 CAN YOU SOLVE THE HOUSING CRISIS? 18 LOCKDOWN, RUGBY, AND HAIR DYE 20 IT DOOBIE IN OUR DNA: DIY BONGS
24 FLAT FAMOUS
Feature Writers Neueli Mauafu Lily Mirfin Ella Gibson Ella Somers Contributors Jasmine Irving Ngawahine Thomson Robb Eastman-Densem Megan Bol Hayden Leete Digital Editor Pearl Cardwell-Massie Audio Editor Asher Etherington Video Creative Director MaCaulay Quinn
26 CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE 43 TIME CAPSULE 44 LUCKY DIP
Want to get involved with canta? VISIT CANTA.CO.NZ
President's piece Kim Fowler (she/they)
Kia ora koutou, This edition of CANTA had me reflecting on different hobbies we all have and how satisfying it is to make things with your own hands. Lockdown last year was a pretty horrible time, but I think one of the best things that came out of it was people getting into different DIY hobbies.
in the year for a chance to win.
For me personally, I started going to pottery classes when we came out of lockdown, and it’s one of the best choices I’ve made recently! I’ve made all sorts of friends at the classes, and something about pottery is so meditative.
Also going on at the moment is the UCSA Arts fest, running at the moment, with over 40 events.
It’s really good for your well-being to take up some kind of hobby like that – anything from knitting to woodturning. For me, it’s something to focus on that isn’t my phone, and it’s immensely satisfying to produce a final product (even if it isn’t very good!). We had our AGM last week – a constitutional requirement – and it went well, with lucky prize-winners taking home AirPods and $50 in cash. Keep your eyes peeled for the half AGM later
Jen and Julia are both settling into their new roles as Finance and Engagement Officer and CEO. I’m excited to work with them for the rest of the year.
Definitely check them out!
That’s all from me for now! Kim
Same old to Something new. Whether you’ve got a solid life plan or only a faint idea, Silver Fern Farms can help you get there. Join our Graduate Career Programme today.
Apply online.
careers.silverfernfarms.com
NEWS UNWANTED DRAMA FOR THE DRAMA SOCIETY By Emily Heyward (she/her)
Members of DramaSoc are calling on the UCSA to step up its game and create a better environment for student clubs on campus.
DramaSoc treasurer Kristen Truman said meanwhile the club was having to purchase new costumes and props to replace what was in the container as there was “mold everywhere”.
From having to fight for performance space in the Ngaio Marsh Theatre to dealing with moldy storage facilities and broken promises, DramaSoc president Shania Lahina said the club had been facing “roadblocks” at every turn.
“A lot of our budget ends up going to costuming and props and set because if we store anything in the container (which we only have half use of), it will be destroyed by the time the next show rolls around,” she said.
She said when it came to securing performance space in the Haere-Roa theatre, the club was up against competition from other clubs, external parties and issues with the booking system.
The pair said the constant setbacks and issues had been “frustrating”.
“It feels like [the UCSA] are not prioritising clubs or student wellbeing,” Lahina said. For this year’s semester one production, DramaSoc were asked by the UCSA in March to consider moving their May show back a week due to an ‘admin error’ which meant the space had been double-booked. Yet 24 hours after being asked to consider postponing their show, the club was informed the UCSA was no longer able to accommodate moving the show because it had accepted a new booking request made in that time. Another time, Lahina said the club had the space booked out for a week, but a day before its dress rehearsal, was told by the UCSA the space was needed for another club event. “All our set was still on stage, so we had to go early, pack it all away ... And in the mess, we lost items from cast, there were things left on stage that were damaged,” she said. The club president said the UCSA had also promised to help the club find a new storage space for its costumes and stage props which were sitting in a leaky shipping container, but nothing came of it.
6
“It always just feels like the UCSA isn’t on our side and there are many times when we have really felt that disconnect where we have been on campus for a really long time, but it doesn’t feel like we’re welcomed on campus or celebrated,” Lahina said. UCSA president Kim Fowler said clubs were at the “heart of what we do at the UCSA” and was open to working through concerns clubs were having. “I completely understand that this is a source of frustration for clubs, and really do wish that the space could be more available, but unfortunately there are a lot of conflicts for booking the Ngaio Marsh Theatre, which was designed to be operated as a multi-purpose space, not just a theatre.” Fowler said external bookings had never taken priority over clubs during term time. However, in the holidays it was “first come, first served” as the UCSA was working to pay off its debt on the building and making money on external bookings helped. DramaSoc’s production of ‘Love and Information’ was held on May 14 and 15.
NEWS BREAK-INS LEAVING STUDENTS ON EDGE By Emily Heyward (she/her)
UC student Kayla Gush has been feeling “on edge” after a stranger climbed through her apartment window in the middle of the night. Gush and her partner awoke one morning in March to find that someone had been inside their studio in Ilam and had stolen personal belongings as they slept. “We had someone climb in through a window while we were asleep and take my e-scooter and also took the time to take the charger which was tucked behind a dresser and also took my partner’s wallet and went on a spending spree the next day.” Gush said the incident left her “in shock”. “I had a bit of a cry. It just felt like such a huge violation, and all these thoughts of what if they decided to come into our bedroom ran through my head.” While Police offered the pair Victim Support, Gush said the ordeal had left her feeling unsettled. “It’s definitely put me more on edge; I’m home alone some nights, so I draw the curtains and triple check the window.” And the couple were not the only ones feeling on edge in their flats in the Ilam-Riccarton area. In an online survey of students on the UCSA noticeboard, more than 70 students reported feeling unsafe when home alone in their flats across Ilam-Riccarton.
More than 80 students said their flat had been broken into this year, with about 120 students saying they had seen someone scoping out their place. Canterbury District risk and performance manager senior sergeant Richard Chambers said Police were noticing a rise in burglaries in the area. “Police are aware of a spike in the Upper Riccarton, Wharenui and Ilam areas for burglary. However, it appears commercial premises are being targeted as opposed to residential properties.” He said burglaries at residential properties had “slightly increased over time” but were not significantly higher than in previous years. However, Chambers emphasised the importance of students remaining vigilant and ensuring they were keeping their flats secure. “Students should also take the time to ensure their flat is locked when no one is home and that each flatmate has a key. “We receive several reports of burglaries where a flat has been left unlocked either as an oversight or on purpose because someone does not actually have a key to get back inside,” he said. Chambers was also encouraging students to ensure their bikes were being locked up at home and at uni or workplaces, as they had become the latest target for thieves across the city. Police were urging students to report any matters of concern as soon as possible, either by calling 111 in an emergency or 105 in non-emergency situations.
7
BY-ELECTION SEES NEW FINANCE AND ENGAGEMENT OFFICER APPOINTED Jennifer Berry has been elected the UCSA’s finance and engagement officer, replacing Henry Wynn-Williams, who left the position suddenly last term. Emily Heyward talked to the third-year mechanical engineering student about the by-election results and her plans for the rest of the year. How did you feel when the results were announced? Like everyone else there, my heart was definitely racing. The four of us running were all so passionate about the role, and each paired this with experience and ideas that would have meant a swift and powerful performance in the role - so it was definitely relieving that either way, the role would be in great hands. When it was my name that was read out, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the trust placed in me by the student body and excitement to get stuck in - I won’t let you down. Why did you apply for the position? It came as a bit of a shock to realise that so many people had little idea what the UCSA does or even that there was a byelection coming up. This was one of the main drivers. I want to be part of facilitating an alignment between the students, staff and the UCSA. I hope to help solidify the UCSA’s place as more than a distant entity, but rather a reflection of every student. It is so exciting to be able to achieve this and provoke positive development through connecting, engaging and communicating with the community.
8
What do you think will be the biggest challenge? I think the biggest challenge will exist after gaining input from the UC community about what they want to change. I can see it’s easy to get excited and try to fix everything, but I believe it will be key to successfully focusing on a few key things to smash out. What can students expect to see from you? What do you hope to achieve in the role? I plan to hit the ground running to minimise disruption and ensure support to current projects initiated by the UCSA and invest time into meaningful communication to you all. It can be boring to read through large chunks of text, and I know most people don’t have the time or interest, but it’s important to me to connect with a wide range of hectic student lives. I hope to communicate through short videos and polls alongside the detailed write-ups. I want to be actively transparent! I also hope to work on engagement with the club event calendar. Many have spoken up regarding difficulty gaining similar levels of interest in events as previous years. Club culture is such a powerful and unique experience here at UC, so re-empowering it is such an important responsibility I plan to take on! What do you want students to know about you? I’m ALWAYS keen for a yarn! Flick me a message on FB, come up to me around campus or flick me an email to catch up for a coffee. I really want to hear about your experiences and ideas for the UCSA.
NEWS By Liam Donnelly (he/him)
CLAMPED CARS AND DECREASED THEFT DIRECTLY LINKED The University’s security crew and their addiction to clamping cars are helping to greatly reduce crime, specifically theft, in the Ilam area.
Ilam and Upper Riccarton suburbs have in recent months fallen victim to increase rates of theft and burglary. Thankfully, UC security has responded by fostering a safer community using a technique called ‘car clamping’. “Punishing all those who can’t afford exorbitantly high parking prices sends a clear message that homes and flats are safe, obviously,” said a spokesperson for security.
Pictured: Heartbroken student with his clamped skateboard.
PSYC105 STUDENT DEMANDS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AS ACTOR
GATEWAY TO HELL TURNS OUT TO BE CHURCH CORNER PARKING LOT
Theatrical students are demanding greater attention and more respect for their abilities as actors.
If you’ve ever tried to park at the Church Corner block of shops and thought that it’s a nightmare, hellish activity, it turns out your right.
A raft of students have made claims that they’re not being treated fairly, despite their elite pedigree as part-time volunteer actors.
Over the weekend, the devil decided to return to the surface world for the first time in over 4000 years.
“If I wanted to NOT be taken seriously as an actor, I would’ve gone to Toi Whakaari or NASDA. But I came to UC to study Psychology and Sports Nutrition; I deserve respect as an actor.” UC alumni, Daniel Day-Lewis, has thrown his support behind the actors.
In order to return, the gates of hell had to be opened, and thus the earth beneath the Church Corner parking lot collapsed. “The collapsing of the earth and the literal opening of hell has dramatically improved the usability and aesthetic of the Church Corner parking lot,” said a City Council spokesperson.
By Ngawahine Thomson (she/her)
Winter is coming, and now is a great time to think about ways to keep yourself well during the colder months. As the chill sets in, our bodies are adjusting to not only physical changes but mental and social changes as well. The days are getting shorter, and it’s destroying whatever sleep schedule we might’ve already had. The gloomy weather will have a lot of us feeling down and lacking the energy to get out and about. By taking care of all aspects of our Whare Tapa Whā, winter might turn into a restful reset. Our natural circadian rhythm is altered with the days getting shorter, but we don’t typically follow it and instead keep our normal sleep and wake times. When the sun goes down, melatonin is naturally produced to get us ready for bed, and this can leave us feeling tired and sluggish earlier in the day. Smash out your goals during the day and let your body rest in the evenings. Take the time to actively relax this winter. Have a cup of your favourite tea and read a good book. Take advantage of the app ‘Balance’ and their free year subscription that is available for the rest of 2021, and engage in mindfulness activities like meditation. My personal favourite way to relax is a nice hot bath. If you don’t have a bath, borrow your mum’s or your best mate’s and give your muscles a chance to decompress.
Gain work experience and earn degree points
10
Summer and the start of the university year create a lot of opportunities to lead a busy social life. In the thick of winter, no one really wants to be getting out of the house if it’s not necessary, but it’s a good chance to invite friends over for a lowkey potluck and winter catch up. Social interaction benefits our overall hauora and allows chances to check in with your friends and let each other know how things are going. Most importantly, listen to your tinana and give it the nourishment it deserves – whether that be through eating good food to sustain your body or spending some time outside to breathe in the crisp winter air. Drink plenty of water and moisturise often to help your skin fight the dreaded winter dryness. Your body will show you what it needs, so pay attention and fulfil those needs. Look after yourselves this winter, e hoa mā. Our bodies and minds need the time to rest and recover through a chilly winter. Mā te wā! @cdhbyac
Internship applications now open Semester 2 and Summer 2021
PACE Internships
www.canterbury.ac.nz/arts/internships-programme/
Art By Rebekah Palmer
Art By Megan Bol
14
Gaining fame on Twitter, comedienne Audrey Porne has just finished her live circuit on the stage of the` Auckland International Comedy Festival with The Porne Identity. Having won the South Island Breakthrough Comedian 2019, from the NZ Comedy Guild, she is quickly making a name for herself on the comedy stage and has been described as an “iconic voice” and “unlike anyone else”. Liam Stretch asked her the hard questions.
Who is Audrey Porne? An NZ comedian with a banana allergy. Nothing too serious, like, bananas won’t kill me, but they make me vomit and stuff. Pretty nasty, really! The most convenient fruit and I can’t eat it. But it’s just something I’ve bravely learned to live with. What’s your comedy style? A wee bit absurdist, unhinged but peppy. I don’t pick on my audience members, but only because I’m usually much shorter than most of them. When did you realise you’re funny? When middle-aged American men started sending me death threats on Twitter. When did other people realise you’re funny? When they opened Twitter one day, read one of my silly hot takes and found my tweets so unbelievably hilarious [that] they decided to start sending me death threats. Where did you get your start in comedy? In late 2017 – I entered a stand-up competition in Christchurch for people who had never performed comedy before, and I won! My prize was cash and an ego the size of a small bus.
Do you test jokes on your cat? It’s like you can see into my home. Yes, genuinely, I do. They’re never impressed, which is crushing, but can you imagine if one day a cat actually laughed like a human? That would be the end of me. There’s no coming back from hearing something like that. Who inspires you? People who wear white jeans. Imagine having that confidence. I’m shaking. Do you like Whittaker’s L&P chocolate? It’s like an ex who did nothing wrong; tried it, probably wouldn’t go back to it, might ignore it if I see it in public, but there’s no hate there. What is one thing everyone should own? BASEketball on DVD. I personally own 47 copies. If you stack them on top of each other, nothing happens, but it gives you something to do. What’s one gig you wish you never did? I did a gig where I had to do my usual material but with different mannerisms predetermined by a card pulled from a hat. Never, ever let a hat make decisions for you. It was not good! I had to do my set in a monotone, low-energy style, which works great for many comedians, but not for me. I no longer trust hats or anyone who wears them.
What’s the strangest heckle you’ve ever had, and how did you deal with it? People rarely heckle me! Maybe I’m too intimidating. The weirdest heckles are when there are literally 100 people in the audience, and one single person – usually a man – decides to tell everyone his life story from the back of the room. Stop it, Josh! No one cares that your wife left you after the dog ran away. Grow up and start a podcast like an adult! What’s on the horizon for you? After my show-run in Auckland for NZ International Comedy Festival, I’ll head back to Christchurch and be so sick of the sound of my own voice; I’ll probably crawl into a cave somewhere. Maybe get a fringe… I don’t have the bone structure, but change is good, you know? I might get really into plants or something. Give golf a try. What are you ordering at the fish and chip shop? Blue cod! I don’t eat meat, but I do eat fish - I’m a pescatarian, which is Latin for “hypocrite”.
15
You’d be a fool if you weren’t aware that New Zealand is in the midst of a housing crisis. Various governments over the last 10 years have struggled to find a solution – could you come up with one? Write your own below, and if it stacks up, we’ll publish it in the next issue of CANTA.
16
ad
Neueli Mauafu (he/him)
When you reside in a city like Christchurch, it is obvious enough to any stranger just how much sport is prioritised within our daily lives. More specifically, our local rugby team, The Crusaders. So what happened last year definitely stopped a few in their tracks. It’s the COVID-19 lockdown, and it is holding off the international Super Rugby competition; a lot of the diehard fans are left to face empty TV screens with old rugby highlights to occupy their time. Not only were the fans missing their fix, but many players also were forced to now adapt to their new routine – exercising daily within their homes, managing with whatever gym equipment they had in hand. As they mingled with boredom, a lot of these players took a jump into the new territory – their hair. Not since Jerry Collins have we seen such a dive into the follicly unknown. As the Super Rugby competition resumed just as Aunty Cindy confirmed we were back to Level One, big crowds were now allowed to pack out the stadiums once again. Everyone kept an eye out for the first big game of the new competition format with New Zealand teams only – Super Rugby Aotearoa – yet the standouts were not the games themselves, but the players’ lockdown dos. The pink, blue, blonde, and colourful hairstyles many players were rocking resulted from boring and lonely bubble isolation, as players began to go stir-crazy and have some DIY fun on their hair.
18 18
Hairdos of all colours took to the field for the Auckland Blues team as they challenged the Hurricanes in front of a sold-out
Eden Park. The Ioane brothers, Akira and Rieko, known for their explosiveness on the international stage, were now rocking bright blonde hairstyles. Even Blues skipper Patrick Tuipulotu joined in on the fun, donning a faded pink hairstyle to complement his hard work on the field. Fellow teammates Sam Nock and Hoskins Sotutu also chimed in on the DIY hair business rocking a frosty white colour and faded blonde. It was also noticed that throughout their following games, some players would take it up a notch by changing up the hair colours for fun. What had first resulted from true boredom in isolation and quarantine became a highlight on the field, becoming a trend followed by young fans. As corny as it may have looked, the bright colours may have had a positive spin within the teams and players. Patrick Tuipulotu spoke about it as being a joke at first but later turned into something that players found rather cool, adding some positivity in a confusing time. It created a style within the Blues, as they eased through their season in true bright fashion. Who would’ve thought that these blockbusting athletes would be obsessed with mixing these bright colours on their heads? I’m waiting for Sam Whitelock to go pink.
19
Ella Gibson (she/her)
20
When brainstorming article ideas for CANTA’s Make Your Own Issue, I was at a halt. I was lost for words which, who would have thought, is not convenient for a writer. I want to write articles for y’all that are of your genuine interest and appeal and no idea was fully tickling my fancy. Then it struck like lightning: what are students infamous for making? Bongs; tobacco bongs, that is (winky face). So, I took to the crème de la crème of harvesting data from UC students: the UCSA Noticeboard. I asked y’all to enlighten me with your bong creations and by golly my DMs quickly became a hot(in)box for all things bong related. Trust me, I was not disappointed. Below are some of my favourite concoctions that got sent my way. Each bong has their own mini profile. Profiles include the bong’s name, how it was made, the best thing about it, and a lil quirky feature or fact about it. Prepare yourself to be acculturated, illuminated, and enlightened.
ANGE LEVERSEDGE: Name: I Was Never Given A Name (Office reference). How I was made: I finished a fresh-mouth routine then stabbed a rushie hole into the Listerine bottle with some scissors and then stabbed another hole on the opposite side and shoved a piece of garden hose into it. I plugged up any gaps around the stem with blu tack because I don’t have a wood burner to make a cleaner hole. Then I filled it with some water and away we were pulling! Best thing about it: It is so tiny and compact that it is so easy to move from location to location. Quirky lil fact: It is virtually spill proof! Out of the hundreds of times it’s been knocked over, I would say less than 10 times it has actually spilled anything.
JACK MILNE: Name: Franken-bong, aka Frank. How I was made: Frank was made by drilling into the forehead of a crystal skull vodka bottle that was given to me by my manager. I then broke the bottle, and glued it back together. Best thing about it: Frank’s lil bro chilling on the top was originally a vape juice container donated by one of my mates’ little brothers. It was made the same way but without breaking. Quirky lil fact: Frank is actually a replica of our first flat’s next door neighbour’s bong, but theirs wasn’t broken and didn’t have the ash catcher on top.
21
TOM VINCENT: Name: Hotshot. How I was made: Hotshot was crafted with a drill, a diamond drill bit and patience. My flatmate and I hunched over the kitchen sink and drilled the hole with our breath held, as we were sure it would shatter, but it held true. Then the thorough search for the optimal spout began, and the cartridge of a fancy pen made perfectly, adding a little class to the whole assembly. I donated a 9mm socket from my toolkit for the cone piece and with a little bit of blue tac for “structural integrity” and Hotshot was born. Best thing about it: It’s compact versatility. It is able to do blisteringly fast cones or take on a joint as a bubbler. Quirky lil fact: Mouthpiece still tastes like tabasco; not for the faint of tongue.
BONG COSIES (ANONYMOUS): Name: @cosy_bongs How I was made: I crochet bong cosies! They are super cute and protective (trust me I’ve dropped mine on concrete). I started making them when I was bored, a lil stoned, and sick of breaking my glass. I make them in all shapes, colours and sizes: no two are ever alike! Best thing about ‘em: All of them are little animal charms for protection! Quirky lil fact: The first was called Juniper the Goldfish.
ANONYMOUS: Name: Party Beug. How I was made: From a 20L water container, vinyl tubing, and a sink strainer for the cone piece all sourced from Bunnings. It works by filling the container up with water and turning the tap to drain it out while also lighting the buds. This creates a vacuum that sucks the smoke in while at the same time you and 5 of your mates can start hooning on it. Best thing about it: You can add baccy or hashish to the cone piece and the motherf**ker will keep smoking forever, even after the boys tap out. Quirky lil fact: One would think you would need an engineer’s brain to manufacture such a weapon, but I am in fact a commerce major. So, suck it virgins!
22
ANONYMOUS: Name: Keri Orange Juice. How I was made: Juice bottle, a reusable straw, some aluminium cut out from a beer can and duct taped to the shape of a cone piece. Best thing about it: The resourcefulness and time needed to make. Quirky lil fact: It was my 3am last resort creation from some time this year.
ANONYMOUS: Name: The Jagerbong How I was made: Using 1.75L Jager bottle, hole drilled using battery drill grinding bits and a constant supply of water along with a lot of patience (3 hours of drilling with a shit drill). Best thing about it: The number of people it has taken down, including me. Quirky lil fact: Only one person has been able to successfully clear a full cone in one hit “greg”. The thing will sit you on your ass.
ANONYMOUS: Name: The Compensator. How I was made: Outta three jars, pipes, a vape juice bottle, a receipt roll and all held together with hot glue. I’ve been making them at home for a while and wanted a challenge. It’s less about the usefulness of it but more about the look! Best thing about it: It doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Quirky lil fact: I don’t have a drill so everything was cut with scissors and determination.
23
Fantasy
Flat Famous
FIONA
GORDON
DILDO
for flat bonding
SEBASTIAN
LIL NAS X
BONG
for the flat sesh
Lil nas x
oprah winfrey
gordon ramsay
fiona from reception
Token gay, never shuts up about it (although 50/50 chance that Sebastian is gay). Great for fashion advice. Always on AUX cord duty.
Always finding her shit under the couch. Knows a lot of famous people and has the best celebrity gossip. Shouted the whole flat a trip to Luxembourg.
Cooks mean scrambled eggs. Permanently on meal duty. He has a bit of a short temper but brutally honest to other flatmates when they’re being dickheads.
Is the flat mum. Always has a calculator when you need it. She keeps everyone on schedule and runs the flat account. Can lend you a bike.
CAPTAIN BEN’S BURGER for Oprah’s munchies
POSTER
for praising the Lord and Saviour
OPRAH
NED THERESA
ASH TRAY
for Theresa’s chain smoking
BEER CRATE
from that one time Gordon did Crate Day
?
Ned flanders
theresa may
sebastian the crab
Makes amazing hot chocolates. He’s secretly shredded and has a hot bod. He prays enough for the whole flat. A bit of a ladies’ man.
The nerd of the flat, constantly engrossed in a book. Easily ignorable. Determined to have a smooth transition to the end of the lease. Gets on well with the neighbours.
Gives you the advice you didn’t know you needed, often in the form of song and dance. High entertainment value because of this. Gordon is constantly trying to cook him. Sexually ambiguous.
It’s the third MONO of the term. You and your flat haven’t gone to one yet despite saying that you’re going to make it to MONO every week. This week that the dream will come to a reality. You WILL go to MONO. Your lectures end at 3pm, so you crawl your way back to your flat. The drinks are already in the fridge, so it’s time to choose the first part of your adventure.
PART THREE You’re the flatmate that gets drunk but not quite blackout. You’re not going all out tonight; that’s for the end of the semester. Instead, you’re going to pace yourself and hopefully enjoy some music and not have any difficulties with the bouncer. It’s time to decide what you’re going to wear. 1. A toga for old times’ sake
PART ONE What are you having to drink? 1. Red Nitro 2. A Corona
2. Jeans and a t-shirt you picked off your crusty carpet, sniffed and thought it’s not that bad, isn’t it. 3. Flares and a corset top because the TikTok trends are getting to you 4. A 1980s style prom dress
3. Vodka with whatever suspiciously brown juice is in the fridge
If you picked 1 or 4, go to part five
4. Long white
If you picked 2 or 3, go to part six
5. Coke zero, because the sober ones need to be included too If you picked 1 or 4, proceed to part two If you picked 2 or 3, go to part three If you picked 5, go to part four
PART FOUR You made a choice to still be social but be sober. You’re still joining in the fun, don’t worry. Go to part three.
PART TWO
PART FIVE
Mate, you might have made a bad choice there. But you swear you’re going to keep track of how many standards you’re having and won’t get carried away. You will not be the liability this time. Now it’s time to pick what you’re gonna wear. Do you choose:
You’re dressed, you’re drunk, and you’re ready to HIT the roadddd, babey. You decide to take a few token Snapchats to send to your friend. Oh no, how did this happen? They’ve ended up on your story. Oh well, you look cool, hot and fun. Now it’s time to figure out how you’re going to get to Mono. Do you
1. What you wore to lectures today. Oh, it also might be what you wore yesterday. Doing the washing is a bit expensive, isn’t it? 2. Last year’s CUBA t-shirt with some stained chinos.
1. Take an Uber 2. Walk there in convoy with everyone who has somehow turned up at your flat
3. A Glassons mini dress
3. Take the skateboard your friend found on the street a while ago
4. Jeans with no top on whatsoever because it’s pretty warm right now, isn’t it?
4. Ripstick, for there is no better mode of transport
If you picked 1 or 4, go to part five
If you picked 1 or 2, go to part seven
If you picked 2 or 3, go to part six
If you picked 3, go to part eight If you picked 4, go to part nine
PART SIX
4. 3 or 4. I finished an assignment, so I’m having a good night.
Sure, you’re dressed like 90 per cent of people at MONO, but who really cares as long as you’re comfortable and feeling yourself. You don’t even need to worry about how you’re getting there because you probably live on Roundtree Street or near Kirkwood Ave. You take a quick stroll over to the foundry, feeling slightly sober by the time you get there but still ready for a good night. Since you’ve picked right so far, then the line is probably short by the time you get there. Go to part 10.
If you picked 1 or 2, go to part eleven
PART SEVEN Look at you guys go – what a safety-conscious gang. You picked the best modes of transport, and you arrive at MONO at a decent hour. The lines a bit long and it’s a bit cold, and you forgot your jacket. But the chats in the line are good, and you still have your reliable booze blanket. Go to part 10.
If you picked 3, go to part twelve If you picked part 4, go to part thirteen
PART ELEVEN Smooth one; you get in easily. But now you’ve got to wait it out in the entrance until all your friends make it in. You can hear the music pumping, and you are ready to go. It’s time to grab a drink in the foundry before you get amongst it in the Ngaio Marsh Theatre. What’s your drink at the bar? 1. Vodka Redbull 2. Pint of beer
PART EIGHT
3. Free water
It turns out skateboarding drunk was low-key a terrible idea. You fall over and seem fine. So, you keep on heading down the road. Then you realise your leg is a bit; I don’t know, damp. Lol turns out it’s blood, and you’ve got a giant gash in your knee. You head for A and E, and this is where your night ends. Good luck getting to MONO next Thursday. Your adventure is now over.
4. Tropical Elephant
PART NINE
PART TWELVE
Oops, you seem to have time-travelled back to 2008. You’re now stuck here. Whoopsie, I hope you enjoy the premiere of Camp Rock. ROCK ON!
PART TEN Waiting in line. Since you’ve gone great so far, you get to MONO when the line is moving quickly enough. You grab a pancake from Red Frogs and get your IDs out, ready to act like an upstanding student in front of the bouncer. You take a step forward, and suddenly it’s your turn. The bouncer asks, “How many have you had tonight?” What do you reply? 1. Ahhh, just a couple, aye 2. None, I’m sober tonight 3. “WHAT??” you shout because someone is yelling behind you
If you picked 2 or 3, go to part fourteen If you picked 1 or 4, go to part fifteen
I’m sorry, but when you turned around to see who was yelling, you stumbled forward. Unfortunately, the bouncer is on a power trip and hasn’t kicked anyone out of the line in about 5 minutes. You are escorted out of the line and told not to come back. You and your friends leave and head off to Captain Ben’s but not before yelling a few colourful insults at the bouncer who unfairly kicked you out. Good luck next week!
PART THIRTEEN Oh no, you admitted to having more than one drink to the bouncer, and now he’s giving you that suspicious look. It’s ok just make some conversation and do not sway. After a further two minutes of talking about your group project, the bouncer is eventually convinced that you are both sober and boring enough to go in. Congratulations, you’ve made it into MONO. Go to part 11 and join your mates.
PART FOURTEEN
PART SIXTEEN
You are good to head into the mosh now. You are not getting blackout tonight, but you are absolutely enjoying yourself. You start walking along to the Ngaio Marsh Theatre, but you stumble across someone you knew in high school. Let’s be real; it’s someone you low-key hated in school. What do you do?
You’re taking the easy way out. Your ignoring of someone is subtle, but it also seems like you genuinely didn’t see them. It’s clear that you don’t need to have a conversation pretending like you will one day catch up. Instead, you both allow each other to continue on your own MONO adventures. You continue onwards into the Ngaio Marsh Theatre. Ready to hear some music and have a good time with your friends. You’ve made it. Go to ending number one.
1. Ignore them 2. Do the half awkward smile 3. The up and down eye and then ignore, just so they know you saw them but don’t want to speak to them 4. Yell their name and say, “HEYYYYYYY HOW ARE YOU DOING?”
PART SEVENTEEN You’re a savage. I don’t know how that person crossed you in high school, but it must have been bad if that’s how you react to them now when several years have passed. You continue onwards to the Ngaio Marsh Theatre to finally enjoy the music. You’ve now made it to the end. Go to ending number two.
If you picked 1 or 2, go to part sixteen If you picked 3, go to part seventeen
PART EIGHTEEN
If you picked 4, go to part eighteen
I’m not sure when the alcohol usually hits you, but it’s certainly reaching its peak right about now. You are absolutely wasted and force this person from school to have a long conversation about where you’re going with your life. Just your life, though; you don’t ask about theirs. After the conversation comes to a close, you realise your friends are nowhere to be found. You decide to just tag along with a random group you happen to be standing near. Go to ending number three.
PART FIFTEEN You are firmly on the path of getting blackout tonight. This was probably not your end goal, but now that you’re here, you might as well enjoy the ride. Off in the corner of The Foundry, you spot a familiar face. Oh, my lord. Is that your Ex? I think it just might be. You stagger over, not really certain of what your intention is once you get there. You’re now standing directly in front of the person that is unmistakably your old flame. What’s your next move? 1. Tell them they were useless in bed 2. Ask them how they’re doing, if they’re seeing anyone now 3. Run away because you’ve suddenly realised what you’re doing 4. Make extended eye contact. Say nothing. Then turn around and walk away slowly without turning around to see if they’re still looking at you. If you picked 1, go to part nineteen If you picked 2 or 4, go to part twenty If you picked 3, go to part twenty-one
PART NINETEEN I’m sorry, but you’re too drunk to be at MONO now. But that little bit of revenge did feel quite nice, didn’t it? Soon after saying that to your ex, you realise it was probably a little bit uncalled for. You run far away and decide that you will not take up residence in the Haere Roa toilets out of fear of running into anyone else you know. After an hour, your friends find you and take you to the McDonalds in the Riccarton Mall car park. The McNuggets soothe you, and you realise that you never even made it into the Ngaio Marsh Theatre to hear some terrible music. Go to ending number four.
PART TWENTY OOOOOO you are a baddie. You don’t need them in your life anymore. You’re having a good night and won’t let a chance encounter ruin those chances. You are ready to have a good time. Go to ending number one.
PART TWENTY-ONE It turns out you are horribly drunk already, and that final drink at The Foundry had pushed you over the edge. You vomit right at the entrance to Haere Roa in front of several people you know and the nice couple who run the kebab van. Go to ending number five.
---------- ENDING NUMBER ONE ----------You have the most wonderful night out ending back at your flat with the person you’ve been crushing on from across the lecture hall with some Big Garys loaded fries in your hand. You enjoyed yourself, you were safe, and you are always welcomed back at MONO. Congratulations on having a semi-wholesome good time.
---------- ENDING NUMBER TWO -----------The music at MONO was a bit terrible, and you’re not certain if it’s always this terrible, but here you are. Sure, you saw a few people you’d rather not see, but all in all, this was a successful night. Was it the greatest night ever? No. But are you home safe and will only be mildly hungover at your 10am lecture tomorrow? Absolutely.
---------- ENDING NUMBER THREE ----------
This random group turns out to be the most fun ever. You all agree that the music is terrible and decide to head to a random house party, which turns out to be someone’s DJ set. It’s a great vibe, and when everyone decides to head into town, you’re up for it too. Congratulations, you have a great night, stay comfortably tipsy, and make some new friends. Because, after all, MONO is about the journey, not about the destination. You truly shot for the moon and landed amongst the stars.
---------- ENDING NUMBER FOUR ----------It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. MONO never quite goes how you plan, but all in all, the night was a 2/5. You made it inside but not quite far enough to hear the music. But you did have a lovely bonding session with your flatmates. Think of the positives; you weren’t a messy liability. Only a sad liability this time.
----------- ENDING NUMBER FIVE -----------You go home, and your friends are forced to take care of you. I’m sorry, but you have ended up the liability tonight. You’re not making it to class in the morning, and you aren’t sure of how you’re going to repay your friends for taking care of you yet again. You go back to MONO the following week but sober this time. But the bouncer recognises you as one of the vomiters from the week before and, as it turns out you are, trespassed from MONO for the rest of the term. Bummer. It looks like you’ll just be going to town from here on out.
THE END
30
ad
Robb Eastman-Densem (he/him)
Of all the things the 70s popularised – bell-bottom jeans, macrame, the colour beige – houseplants were probably one of the better things that could’ve had a resurgence. I mean, who doesn’t love the idea of their own indoor jungle? Even just the thought of a succulent study buddy is enough to warm the heart of the hardest of plant haters. Unfortunately, though, this resurgence has not been without consequence, and in recent months the price of houseplants has skyrocketed (much to the sadness of me and my wallet). All is not lost, though! There are many ways to get plants for cheap or free. Here are two of my favourite budgetfriendly ways to achieve jungledom without breaking the bank.
P R O P A G A T E
TRADE
Making more of what you have is a great way to create redundancy (in case you forget to water) and give yourself spares that you can sell or trade. Most houseplants on the market are stupidly easy to root in water or damp sphagnum moss, too, so propagating things is often just a matter of waiting. Although it can be hard to give your beloved children the snippety-snip, chopping plants that can be a bit sparse naturally, like Pothos, can actually help them to fill out and be bushier; just be certain to cut near the base of the stem, as new growth points are produced from nodes immediately beneath the cut area in most houseplants.
This is a great way to get plants that might be a bit out of your budget and make new friends along the way! Plant swaps are becoming more common now, and the rise of the houseplant Instagram means that there should be no shortage of people looking for things you might have spare. Although good plantperson etiquette means you should always try to give more than you get (no one node cuttings here, Karen), the Karmatic advantages of this mean you’ll no doubt reap the rewards in the future.
If you’re not feeling brave enough to try a DIY plant haircut but still want to increase plant numbers, then you can always try layering too. This method is particularly popular for thinner stemmed or smaller leaved plants like the ‘Chain of Hearts’ as it can help to overcome their leggy nature. All you need for this to work is some sort of clip or peg to keep the stem (and a node) in contact with the soil (old paperclips straightened out and bent into a v are great for this), and hey presto, you’re on your way! Provided you keep the plant well-watered, sections of stem should eventually grow their own roots, after which point you can cut them off separately so that they form new growth points.
Top proppers: - Literally any Pothos - Philodendron - Tradescantia (NOT the weedy kind!) - Spider plants
The one downside to trading is that if your plant buddy is not nearby, it can mean having to ship your plant/s. If not properly packaged, this can quickly reduce anything green to a sad mix of crushed leaves and dirt (not ideal). Luckily though, with careful packing, most shipping damage can be avoided or mitigated. When I’m preparing plants for shipping, I usually like to send them bare root. This means unpotting them and removing most of the soil mixture from their root ball. From here, depending on the plant, I’ll either wrap the roots in damp sphagnum moss or a damp paper towel and then cover everything in a bag. Unless you’re using a prepaid box, the next step is to find something relatively solid to nestle your plant in. If it’s small enough, empty (and clean!) Watties cans can be really good for this, as they’re unlikely to get fully crushed. Depending on the shipping method, nestling it inside a cardboard box and packing the thing full of newspaper can also work well- just remember to try and prevent crushing as much as possible. Plants can easily grow new leaves if they get a bit battered, but it’s much harder to save something that’s had its stem broken in half.
Top trading fodder: - Fast-growing variegated plants like Monstera standleyana - String of turtles - Succulents - Pretty much anything the plant mums are currently craving At the end of the day, the houseplant hobby doesn’t need to be something to break the bank over. With a little bit of time, patience, and craftiness, anyone can fulfil their indoor plant dreams. I mean, who needs a $500 Monstera when you’ve got a $0 spider plant you stole from your friend?
By Ella Somers (she/her)
Op shopping - while it’s heaven for some, it’s a mystifying hell to others. As someone who grew up op shopping from a very young age, I’ve fine-tuned my habits to a polished craft over the years. But as familiar as I am with the art of the op shop bargain, I know it can be a confusing craft to jump into - so here are some tips on how to make opportunity shopping work for you. Go in with a list as well as an open mind: Entering any op shop immediately turns me into a magpie because while I might’ve come to the shop with something specific in mind, I’ll be distracted by everything as soon as I walk in the door. Before going, make a short list of some things that you’d like to look for when you’re there. So, when you’ve finished trying on that glittery pair of cowboy boots that you would absolutely swap your firstborn for, you’ve got your list to remind you why you’re at the op shop in the first place. Also, go in with the knowledge that you might not find anything at all on your list - op shopping can sometimes be frustrating as there’s never any certainty that they’ll have what you need or what you’re wishing for - but that’s partly what makes it so interesting.
Shop out of season: Some of the best bargains and treasures you’ll find at op shops are the out of season ones. The best knitwear, ski gear, and coats I’ve found through op shopping have always been discovered in the height of summer when I’m convinced that I’m going to melt into the ground and the weather will be 30ºC+ forever. The same goes for summer wear - people cleaning out their summer wardrobe in winter means I can stock up on some nice things for summer. This will help you get first dibs on the best stuff on the racks, which you won’t get so much if you shop in-season and saves you more money too. Buy considerately: Sometimes the prices of clothing in op shops can be so low it can be tempting to buy ALL THE THINGS that you see or try on purely because they’re so cheap. Even though it might give you a brief shot of capitalistic joy, only buy things from op shops that you’re going to enjoy and get a lot of wear or use out of. If that piece of clothing is only going to wither and die in the back of your wardrobe, and you’ll wear it no more than once, leave it behind for someone else. Doing saves you from spending unnecessary moolah, which means you can spend it on items that you genuinely love in the future - like that pair of glittery cowboy boots that might be calling your name.
ad
WORD WHEEL Make as many REAL words as you can, using the centre letter.
Art By Hayden Leete
WANT TO SHOW OFF YOUR ART? SUBMIT YOUR ART ON OUR WEBSITE!
FOXYMORON WITH FOXTROT 11 - 12AM ON THURSDAY
A lover of all flavours, Foxtrot is in the mix Thursday evenings 11 -12 am, showcasing some of her top picks of the week.
NOISE KONTROL RADIO WITH EKAJ, SKRIPTURE & E.T
12.30am - late on Saturdays
The Noize Kontrol crew represent all things bass oriented and underground. Join ringing forward sounds from dubstep to jungle, new to old and everything in between. Turn the bass up and kick back as EKAJ, Skripture & E.T take you thru the realm of the darkest vibes. Want to get involved?
SMOKO WITH HANNAH 3 - 4pm on Tuesdays
Grab a coffee and a dart, quicksmart. Welcome to Smoko. Featuring a line-up of the best alt music around, you’ll never want to end your break. With local artists and a heavy hand of indie, tunes are served Tuesday’s piping hot, triple shot.
RDU 98.5FM is always looking for people who would love to get in on the action! Whether it be live on air, content creating, on-site at events, or behind the scenes. Our aim is to help foster young broadcasters and creatives in Ōtautahi, by giving them a platform to share their voice with the world. Many of our RDU 98.5FM alumni have gone on to find careers within the broadcasting and music industry in Aotearoa and beyond. If you’re keen to get involved, visit rdu.org.nz/volunteer/ and sign up!
THE AFTERNOON JAMS WITH FLYNN & SAM 2 - 3pm on Thursdays
Every good buddy-cop movie needs an unlikely pairing of two polarising partners. The best partners overcome their differences to form a tight bond and become complete and utter badasses. Presenting the perfect pair as your weekday radio wave warriors, Sam “time management” Elliott and Flynn “I have no idea what day it is” Robson.
THE CANTA BANTA SHOW CANTA’s own RDU Show is also looking for new hosts! If you think you’ve got what it takes to join our show (it doesn’t take much by the way), email audio@canta.co.nz and show some interest!
Gig Guide
PLANNING A GIG? WANT CANTA TO PROMOTE IT?
VISIT OUR WEBSITE
MORNING PEOPLE CHRISTCHURCH FEAT. FINN 26 MAY, 6:30AM HIDE – 172 ST. ASAPH
ST
CIRCLE JERK - A CELEBRATION OF CHCH MUSIC 29
MAY,
8PM
DARKROOM – 336 ST. ASAPH ST
MUNDI // YURT PARTY // ADIOS TO AUTUMN SHINDIG 28
MAY,
7:30PM
CASSELS BLUE SMOKE – 3 GARLANDS RD
THE MASQUERADE BALL AT WUNDERBAR 4
JUNE,
8PM
WUNDERBAR – 19 LONDON ST, LYTTELTON
DOLPHIN FRIENDLY 'LIFETIME TOUR’ 6 JUNE, 8PM HIDE – 172 ST.
ASAPH
ST
FOOD
T IM E C A PSU L E ISSU E 5 M AY 1, 2017
Lucky Dip is the longest running segment in CANTA. Each issue, we set two people up on a blind date and they record their experiences. These anecdotes are as they come; unedited. WANT TO GO ON A BLIND DATE FOR LUCKY DIP? APPLY FOR LUCKY DIP ON OUR WEBSITE
dipper one After a couple of less than ideal situationships with guys recently I decided to take a punt and go for lucky dip. The day rolled around and I was actually quite nervous which isn’t all that usual for me. When I arrived at the restaurant he was already there sat in the corner. First impressions: he wasn’t my usual type, a bit more of the skinny nerdy type than what I normally go for, but he seemed nice? Awkward hugs and greeting ensued, and the conversation slowly became more and more natural. We bonded over both not being from NZ, and our indecisiveness as we looked over the menu. We ended going for the margarita and the quattro formaggio pizza. He butchered the pronunciation and he didn’t realise it means four cheese which cracked me up. He studied engineering (along with 70% of the UC population) and we had good chats over some decent pizza. We then checked
out the sushi place next to Otto and went for a walk. It was freezing so I asked if we could go somewhere inside rather than just walk around, he agreed and said he “knew a place”. Two minutes later we’re in the bloody engineering building (no, he wasn’t kidding – I asked). Not the most romantic of date spots, and the date definitely took a turn at this point, but fair enough at least it was indoors. The conversation continued as we walked back to the undercroft and then he walked me back to mine. The date ended with a hug but without exchanging socials. Overall I’d say not a bad date. He seemed a lovely guy, but we just didn’t really vibe. I don’t think we had enough in common. Honestly, I just hope he doesn’t write anything too awful about me. Cheers to my date for a good time and CANTA for shouting the food :)
offica l re of luc staur a nt k y dip
Dipper two I signed up for the lucky dip as a “why not” kind of a deal, so of course like many other people I didn’t have many expectations. I arrived with freshly painted nails and a good attitude. It only really hit me that it was happening once I saw her walk in, the whole “oh crap I’m on a date now”. She was sweet, and friendly, and gorgeous of course. The British accent was just the cherry on top. We had plenty in common and our conversations were fluid, it seemed as though we had matching personalities. We chatted a little and had our free pizza at Otto – the vibe was immaculate, but we were both keen for sushi and ended up eating at Oishii too. After some more chatting we went
for a walk but settled back into the undercroft because it was damn cold outside. We talked about banter, our families, the shit we get up to in our spare time, and a few other things that I probably shouldn’t mention in this magazine. She also told me her deepest secrets such as how she had concrete proof Guatemala didn’t exist, and how she couldn’t speak of granola bars. I promised I’d tell no one. All-in-all, it was a delightful experience and would be keen to meet up again. She’s incredible. She’s wonderful and beautiful and stunning, I guess it’s my fault though for not mentioning I’m gay before I signed up ://
for oo short "life is t es" m grudg long ter
UNHAPPY WITH SOMETHING IN THIS EDITION OF CANTA? SEND COMPLAINTS TO LETTERS@CANTA.CO.NZ
MAKE YOUR OWN-O-SCOPES
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
You’re a natural winner. First astrological sign in the zodiac, first at everything else too. Make your own first place trophy.
Nothing says ‘I got my shit together’ like a massive, longline fur coat. Make your own using something rare, like panda or snow leopard fur.
Once you’ve learnt to knit, you’ll never need to buy clothes again. It’s getting cold out there; start with a cute pair of mittens.
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
Since you love to get your hands stuck in, try some pottery. All those half-dead plants you own would love a new pot to ‘live’ in.
You have no musical talent, but the swathes of people who have already told you that haven’t stopped you, so nothing should. Drop that fire mixtape.
You have the palate of a god; barely anything is divine enough for you. Time to make your own wine. From scratch. You’re about to make backyard wineries trendy.
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
You’re sociable, a rational thinker, but completely out of touch. You’ll make a great policy-maker! Time to join the cogs of the government machine!
You’re never gonna afford that Louis Vuitton NéoNoé Leather Bucket Bag, time to just make your own.
You’re a lovely and caring person, but no one wants to visit you, right? You should make your own petting zoo, so people actually want to visit.
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
People hang on to every word you say; you’re basically an endless supply of great advice. Make people start paying for your wise words, write a self-help book.
That $30 flatpack furniture from Kmart is always going to let you down. Time to make a set of draws yourself; it’ll be the most reliable furniture you ever own.
Share your slightly above average culinary skills with those around you. Make a nice pasta salad for your friends.
Draw on me too
