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21, 2016 2 | July Celebrations of Love
Love is love After Orlando, our embrace of all romance has shifted By Rossi
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eing a wedding caterer may sound glamorous, but I’ve spent most of my 27-year career packing food into boxes and making salad dressing. The only glamorous moment is the five minutes at the end of the wedding when the newlyweds hug and kiss me. Once every blue moon I get a standing ovation. No good wedding professional should be in it just for the money. There has to be something more. We are, after all, in the business of love. It’s an honor to help create someone’s dreamcome-true wedding. It’s also a lot of pressure. A wedding can be the most important day in someone’s life. Or not. I’ve had a few clients who should get the equivalent of frequent-flyer miles for the weddings they’ve had. I’ve catered a lot of same-sex couples’ weddings. I love getting those first calls. “My fiancĂŠe is a woman. We want to make sure you don’t have an issue with that,â€? the nervous-sounding woman on the phone says. “A gay wedding! You have hit the jackpot! Now only do you get a great wedding caterer but you get a great gay wedding caterer! And bonus points, your new Jewish mother!â€?
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ack in the day, I tried to erase the sting of not being able to legally marry by infusing extra love into the gay weddings I catered. Adding a little more cilantro or a touch more ginger was a far cry from federal rights, but hey, it was something, wasn’t it? Stepping out of the kitchen to watch my heterosexual couples say “I do� has been a mixture of joy and pain. I was truly happy for them, but sad for my own community. Isn’t love just love? Then Massachusetts happened. And guess what? The world didn’t end! Happy couples raced to my beloved home away from home in Provincetown and got legally married. Massachusetts didn’t fall into the abyss. It made a boatload of money.  Little by little, state by state,
LAUREN THOMAS
gay marriage started to spread. I would have thought New York, the capital of cool, would have led the pack, but we lagged behind until, finally, finally we jumped into the marriage equality mix. Edie Windsor decided to fight for her rights. I took one look at her on news and knew she would win. Who could say no to Edie? It was like saying no to Betty White. She was fierce and proud and adorable. My girlfriend and I had the pleasure of hanging out with her at a book event, and after laughing and chatting for a half-hour she turned to us and said, “I know this sounds crazy, but I really love you guys!� We love you, too, Edie! Thanks to Edie and the wonderful team of trailblazers who worked with her, I finally got to cater gay weddings that were legal all across the United
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States. At long last, love wins! imes have changed slowly but surely. I went from standing on a float in the gay pride parade in the Eighties with my fist in the air screaming for gay rights to having brunch on Eighteenth Street, leaning against a wall as the parade marched by and holding a small sign that read, “Gay caterers spice it up.� Walking down the street holding my lover’s hand was life-threatening when I first came out in 1982. In 1989, a gang of kids in the West Village surrounded my girlfriend and me walking down the street holding hands. One of them reached for a gun. I still don’t know what would have happened if a cop hadn’t driven by. I guess you might not be reading this. Today, I see young gay couples holding hands all the time. Sometimes I shake my head and think aloud, “These kids have no idea how much we had to fight for the safety they take for granted.� I met an older woman once, a pre-Stonewall lesbian, who said the same thing about me. Mostly I feel joy when I look at the beautiful young gay couples giddily walking past me.
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July 21, 2016 Celebrations of Love
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LAUREN THOMAS
This year, pride parades up and down the Hudson Valley, and across the globe, demonstrated resiliency as well as exuberance, even when it rains. Maybe, just maybe, all the hoping and dreaming and praying is over. Maybe the world really has changed. Maybe love really does win. hen Orlando happened. My chefs and I were prepping for a wedding when we heard the news. “Orlando.” Growing up that word only ever meant one thing to me, Disney World! Fun and magic and Mickey Mouse waited in Orlando, Not the senseless murder and maiming of innocents just trying to have fun in a gay club. It was a crisp, sunny, lovely day on Sunday, June 12. The wedding we catered was at the picnic house in Prospect Park, Brooklyn. The bride and groom were floating on air. The bride’s mother hugged and kissed me. Everyone was smiling. As we served hors d’oeuvres to the happy wedding crowd, I looked out the window. There were dozens of children laughing and playing in the grass. “We all start out like that, don’t we?“ I asked my sous chef. “Not all of us,” she said. My girlfriend taped the annual Tony awards show for PHOTO SUPPLIED BY ROSSI me so I could watch it when Our author Rossi, whose latest book The Raging Skillet is a surprise I came home. I threw myself hit, as seen at the New York City Pride parade this year. into a hot shower and washed
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the curry sauce off my hands and arms. I settled in. Last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep was Lin-Manuel Miranda’s emotional acceptance speech for “Hamilton.” “Love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love, cannot be killed or swept aside!” The next day I made a simple sign that read “Orlando” and put it in the window of my catering company. A group of teenagers just out of school walked by. One of the boys looked at my sign as he trotted past and gave me the thumbs-up. If I see a gay couple holding hands in Tompkins Square Park today, I think I will kiss them.
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21, 2016 4 | July Celebrations of Love
Atypical romance All love stories include a twist, especially when they start By Jodi LaMarco
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t’s hard to say just where love begins. Love is ineffable, its boundaries undefined. We’ve all heard stories of love at first sight. Often, falling in love just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes, love takes time. Here are four examples: Heather’s relationship with her husband sprang from unlikely beginnings. “I was living in New York City, and I babysat the daughter of a couple who lived on a boat,” she explains. Whenever Heather would walk down to the dock to watch the couple’s little girl, she would invariably catch a glimpse of her employer’s neighbor working on his houseboat. “I’d nod or wave to him, and he’d wave back, but we never really spoke,” she says. One winter, the furnace in Heather’s apartment broke down, leaving her building without heat. Her employers were away on vacation at the time, and the couple on the boat invited the young woman to stay until the problem could be fixed. Heather gratefully accepted. Things were going well in her temporary new home when suddenly the unthinkable happened. “I took a dump and the toilet got clogged,” Heather says. Not knowing what to do and fearful of making the situation worse, Heather decided to ask her houseboat neighbor for help. “He unclogged the toilet, ordered a pizza, and we sat around and talked,” she says. His name, she discovered, was Jim. Neither Heather nor her plunger-wielding savior was interested in settling into a relationship, but they decided to date. “It was so gradual. Jim won me over by his consistent, loving kindness. Eventually, I realized he’s serious, and he’s real, and he’s not putting on a show. I began to trust him, and then the love grew.” After three years of courtship, Jim asked Heather to marry him. “I finally realized I was safe with him, and that I could let myself love him,” she says. The two remained married for 26 years and had three children together. Last year, Jim passed away, but the memory of his unfaltering love and tenderness lives on. “All three of my kids still love their dad and they miss him very much,” Heather says. “So do I. He was wonderful.”
WIKICOMMONS
Scan a room of lovers and all stories are different, but all lovers united by having stories.
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he story of Ayako and Craig’s path to love spans five years and four countries. The couple first met in New Paltz when Ayako was closing in on college graduation and Craig was gearing up to sell his business. In spite of a fifteen-year gap in age, the two became fast friends, and a few months later Ayako asked Craig out on a date. The two soon became inseparable, spending hours exploring Minnewaska State Park together. Less than a year later, Ayako was forced to go back to her home country of Japan due to an expiring student visa. Craig flew to Japan to see Ayako. Ayako came back to the United States to visit with Craig. The two even met in Canada and Spain just to spend time together. Somehow, through years of seemingly endless travel, the relationship endured. “Over time, it grew,” says Ayako. “We were apart, but in our hearts, we were together.” Eventually, the couple realized that to make the relationship work, they would need to marry so that Ayako could stay in the United States. In 2012, Ayako and Craig were married in a small ceremony performed by a justice of the peace. While their love took time to grow, both believe that the strength of their bond stems from the fact that they waited to commit to one another until both were certain they were making the right decision. “All of our time apart made us realize how much we meant to each other,” says Craig. “I think our relationship is strong because we took our time.” “We’re probably more in love with each other now than we have been at any other point in our history,” says Ayako.
FROM A WIKICOMMONS COLLECTION OF VERNACULAR PHOTOGRAPHY.
Once attracted to another, some of us take chances while others grow scared and protective.
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nn and Bob’s relationship has lasted for 44 years, but their marriage was eleven years in the making. The couple met when Ann was working as a bank teller in the 1970s. “When you’re working in a bank, you get propositioned a lot. This one guy even used to leave joints on my teller window in an attempt to woo me,” she says. After she rejected countless hopeful suitors, one of Ann’s depositors eventually caught her eye. “He brought in two checks a week and he sort of looked like Jesus,” she says. The couple had been dating for three months when they decided to quit their jobs to go on a hitchhiking tour of Europe. Ann says her feelings took time to fully mature. “He was kind and made me feel like I could trust him,” says Ann. “We didn’t really fall in love. First we fell in lust, then we fell in sync.”
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e were too old for lust,” says Bret of his partner, Michael. “What we did have was a mutual admira-
tion for each other.” The couple met at a popular Long Island dance venue when Bret was already well into his fifties and Michael was in his late sixties. “I just thought he looked so great out there,” Michael says. The more the two danced together, the closer they became. But it took years before they decided to unite as a couple. After another five years of dating, Bret and Michael finally decided to move in together. Just one month later, Bret was in the hospital due to a serious illness. It took Bret nearly two years to fully recover. Through it all, Michael supported him with a limitless supply of love and support. “I think a situation like that would have made a lot of couples crack, especially since we had just moved in together. If our relationship hadn’t been so strong, I don’t think we would have made it,” Bret says. “It’s a good thing, too. If I hadn’t had Michael, I don’t think I would have made it, either.”
July 21, 2016 Celebrations of Love
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How to write a love song You’ve got to craft it from one’s own heart By Tim Moore
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eople who study birds for a living say there are three reasons birds sing: to attract mates, to warn of nearby danger, and to declare territory. The same can probably be said of singers and songs. As a blues/rock guitarist and a writer of a few successful love ballads, I’ve seen all three kinds of songs have their day in the sun. Territorial? Those songs didn’t used to exist. Then rappers began to aggressively stake out turf after 1989. East Coast battled West Coast. Every manly rapper pointed to where he was standing. Songs of warning? The warning song was pretty rare until Bob Dylan pointed his finger at our war machine in “Masters of War” and decried racist villains in his social-justice protest songs. Even gentle Cat Stevens in “Wild World” warned his woman protectively, “But remember there’s a lot of bad and beware.” Since Dylan, rock’s defiance and warning songs have drums and guitars with raised fists and tribal feelings of threat and condemnation for 50 years and counting.
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ut how to make that third bird call? How do you write a love song to attract a mate? That quest has been under a lot of revision right now. We live in a badass, unsentimental time. Today there are as many kinds of love songs as there are species of birds. Sparrows, loons, crows, hawks, warblers, mockingbirds, eagles, owls. Love songs can have beautiful plumage or talons. Paul McCartney’s “Here, There and Everywhere” has stunning melodic plumage. “Like a Rolling Stone,” an anti-love song written for fallen street goddesses, has talons. Whether mating songs are tenderly romantic or overtly sexual like today’s chart-toppers, they’ve always been about getting us warm, moist and skin-to-skin. Romance and slow dancing may be taking a vacation now, but the human body doesn’t change. Emotions don’t change. What changes is how open we are about our pain, our feelings of need and loss. “I need you. I want you. I’ve got to have you. Don’t go.” These pleadings aren’t as easy to say now. Indie hipsters and hip-hop artists alike have lost track of the crying blues. The joy, yearning and pain of love still come
Second Avenue Since we can no longer make it, girl, I found a new place to live my life. It’s really no place at all, Just a hole in the wall, you see. It’s cold and dusty but I let it be, Livin’ here without you, On Second Avenue. And since our stars took different paths, I guess I won’t be shaving in your looking glass. Guess my old friendly grin, Must have started to dim, somehow, And I certainly don’t need it now, Still, I keep smiling through, On Second Avenue. I can still see you standing There on the third-floor landing. The day you visited, and we hardly said a word. Outside it was raining, You said you couldn’t be staying, And you went back to your flowers and your birds. Since we can no longer see the light The way we did when we kissed that night, Then all the things that we felt, Must eventually melt and fade, Like the frost on my window pane Where I wrote, “I Am You,” On Second Avenue. Music and lyrics by Tim Moore Copyright © Andustin Music. Used by permission
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Tim Moore started his career in the 1960s in bands featuring Todd Rundgren and Daryll Hall, and went on to find success as a 1970s singer/songwriter. He has lived in Woodstock for many years. out, but now there’s usually a wall of irony around the emo. It started long ago: “If I Needed Someone” by George Harrison. 10cc’s “I’m Not in Love.” Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” Dylan’s “Idiot Wind.” All avoid the vulnerability of actual surrender, pre-padding the heart for disappointment.
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n the last 25 years, warning songs — fear and condemnation songs — have stolen a large chunk of market share from love songs. Creeping fear began mainstreaming in the midSixties. Lizard king Jim Morrison made hippie skin crawl with the Doors’ gaslight fusion of Brecht and blues. Bowie expanded the genre as his voice dropped to baritone. Morrison and Bowie both knew that minor chords and ominous groans evoke the same thrill we get from creeping dread, risk and impending danger. By the mid-Seventies, Stephen King’s books were selling millions. Since then, fear has kept on selling. As the saying goes, “Love is letting go of fear.” So perhaps fear is letting go of love. Some of us like our music dark and blade-like. Hard-core bands routinely go beyond scary into the outright demonic. Talons over plumage may not be romantic, but it’s still sexy for some. We are, I think, frankly confused by all this badassery. Because everyone still feels attachment and loss.
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e, I’m a melody writer as well as a rocker. I believe great melodies touch the human heart in profound ways that go beyond any other channel. The effect never dazzles like a stadium show. Instead, melodies make intimacy possible. They linger and echo. Their imprints stay in your heart and soften it. Romance is by definition not ironic. You profess. You commit. Couples used to have “our song.” I still believe in that. It’s a sincere part of our wiring. Even ironic hipster hearts break when they lose a significant other. When I was getting into rock and roll, intimacy was not the first thing on my mind. Sexuality was. Like many teenage musicians who weren’t jocks, I learned to create mating beats for girls. But I also had a gift for melody. My dad loved the American songbook composers — Rogers, Porter, Kern, Gershwin. I grew up with that book. The rock bands I liked wrote great melodies but rocked, too: Beatles, Stones, Kinks. With a writer like Ray Davies of the Kinks, you’d have the same combo leaping effortlessly from hard guitar riffs like “You Really Got Me,” to beautiful melodies like “Waterloo Sunset.” Today, marketing silos make that kind of range
harder for bands. You’re either a hard-rock act and have to kick ass 24/7, or you’re a middle-ofthe-road artist like James Taylor who can’t stir things up too much. Stay in your silo, dude. If you try to do both, you risk your work being called “dad rock.”
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he secret to writing love songs is simple. Forget about warnings and territorial claims. Forget about fear, condemnation and jealousy. Write from the heart. Write as though the person — the muse — you’re writing about is the most important person in your life. Lay it bare. Immerse yourself in the sensuality of your devotion. Write about your body and hers. Feel her absence. With love songs you’re either wooing a mate, trying to keep her or losing her. My ballad “Second Avenue” was about lost love. Ten years later, I wrote an unabashed love song titled “Yes.” It zoomed to number one in Brazil and I became a star there — sort of. I dropped everything and toured Brazil for almost three months. Why was “Yes” a hit? It turned out the TV Globo network had made it the love theme of the heroine in their biggest prime-time dramatic series ever — a show over 100 million Brazilians watched six nights a week. Since then, dozens of amateur romance videos have been made and posted on YouTube using “Yes” as the backing track. Six million views and counting. With those numbers, I can only guess at how many women in the Southern Hemisphere have been courted, and how many babies have been conceived while my song was playing. That’s how you know you’ve written a successful love song.
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21, 2016 6 | July Celebrations of Love
Love and movies New studies show therapeutic possibilities of co-watching By Paul Smart
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’ve wanted to stand outside young girls’ homes booming sappy music from my car, ride off on never-ending quests to prove the depth of my love, and understand how professors can dress like chickens and cuckoo for nightclub audiences in adoration of an entertainer named Lola. I’ve also watched as Swedish marriages evolved into divorce over the span of a few hours, and appreciated loners who prove their independence by heading for Alaska in a 16-wheeler or by driving off cliffs after shooting up a town. I’ve even learned lessons from those who face their demons and grow from the process. Movies have had a way of shaping how and possibly whom we love, ever since Thomas Edison caught that first kiss between middle-aged May Irwin and John Rice on celluloid 120 years ago. I can still recall my heart swelling as I watched Elia Kazan’s Splendor In The Grass at ten. My ten-year-old regularly revisits lovelorn Judy Garland in Meet Me In St. Louis, having finally moved on from a bittersweet attachment to Margaret O’Brien’s feisty young Tootie. Even my dad, now recovering from his first stroke, revisits classics from his adolescence in the 1940s, and renews old crushes on Teresa Wright and Betty Hutton. He also dips back into all those auteur works about misunderstood males from the 1960s and early 1970s, when his own first marriage to my mom was unraveling, and a whole generation of young dads wanted to be fiery like Jack Nicholson or as supercool as Marcello Mastroianni. We recently had an argument of sorts, dear old dad and I, about one of his favorites from the period, Elaine May’s The Heartbreak Kid. I thought it had aged poorly, and added that my wife and other women I knew, including his own daughters, found the piece about a bland man’s relentless pursuit of Cybill Shepherd misogynist at best. Dad replied with an attack on the works of Wes Anderson, which he said were badly acted and clichéd. Same, he added, for all those modern miniseries we’d tried turning him on to, from the trials and tribulations of Mad Men to Treme, Ray Donovan and Masters of Sex. Later, I felt guilty remembering how I once had loved May’s film. Had I simply been trying to show my father and his peers how sophisticated I could be as I dived deeper into the relationship world back in my early twenties?
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ow do movies shape the way we love? How do our love lives shape what we watch and admire? I recall infatuations with certain actresses, contemporary and classic, that took me decades to decipher. They were reminders of people from my real life, including my mother. There were periods where I found myself drawn to insufferably serious ruminations by Antonioni, Bergman, and Rainer Werner Fassbinder, and more likely to cry at documentaries involving lost ideals, or pre-teen coming-of-age works such as Truffaut’s 400 Blows. You’d think that watching that latter director’s young character, Antoine Doinel, grow through self-conscious adolescence
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WIKICOMMONS
“The Kiss,” shot in Thomas Edison’s Black Maria studio in New Jersey, was the first film to feature a love story, however short. It was one of the new art form’s early successes. sons as well as characters. Love involves more than saying how one’s sorry than Love Story suggested nearly a half-century ago. It ranges across much wider swathes of narrative possibilities, from the depths of tragedy to the weirdest heights of comedy.
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WIKICOMMONS
Marcello Mastroianni, who came to prominence in Federico Fellini’s self-referential works of the 1960s, went on to become one of the more international of modern film stars. into a caddish young adulthood and then adulterous maturity would teach me something. Ditto Woody Allen’s endlessly self-examining duets with Diane Keaton and Mia Farrow. What ended up sticking in my craw were overthe-top chick-flick romances I got introduced to on dates, and then reveled in during lonely spells. Eventually, I settled on a period of over-the-top melodramas from the 1950s, grand technicolor heartbreak epics by Hitchcock and Lean, Douglas Sirk and Max Ophuls, with soaring scores and aching plot lines. They were my métier, at least until I got married. My wife couldn’t watch anything with an adulterous side plot, in black and white or with subtitles, without growing angry or sleepy, but went weak at the knees whenever a schmaltzy fatherdaughter motif entered a picture. Edgy miniseries pulled us together on the couch. And the many animated and other kid-oriented works, including Judy Garland works, dominated our watching, and need for romantic models and lessons, for a full decade. We were not in an elite minority. While all those lists of the greatest romances and love stories of all time tend to reflect publications’ and website tastes more than achieve any consensus, it turns out that we all tend to model behavior after movies and television programs. And that means we identify with plot turns and simple scripted les-
he sharing of films can have real benefits. Three years ago, psychologist Ronald D. Rogge of the University of Rochester published a research study, Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? This three-year study discussed results of a survey of over 1000 couples who watched movies together every five weeks and then discussed them. Guess what? The researchers found the odds of their staying in their relationships doubled. The films recommended for shared viewing strayed from the usual idea of romance. There wasn’t a falling-in-love picture in the lot. There were quite a few works where couples faced challenges together. “The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships,” Rogge said in a statement soon after his study’s publication in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. “Thus, you might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate. You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving. And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years — that is awesome…You might not be able to get your husband or wife into a couples group, especially when you are happy. But watching a movie together and having a discussion, that’s not so scary. It’s less pathologizing, less stigmatizing.” The list of movies Rogge and his crew used in the study included 45 primary-list works and 60 additional films. In the first category were Tracy/ Hepburn duels, several later curmudgeonly-butlovable Jack Nicholson works, and even Al Pacino’s dark The Devil’s Advocate. The additional films given the most accolades by study participants were the caustic This Is 40, the latter two installations of Richard Linklater’s Sunrise trilogy, Spike Jonze’s Her about a man falling in love with a computer voice, and The Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, where a couple tries to cure love hurts through memory loss. Along with providing a basis for my wife and me to work through our own relationship’s challenges, we’ve found these lessons to be great for our ten-year-old as well. Talk about a wealth of amour to explore. For further information on Rogge’s study visit http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/1508519/movie.
July 21, 2016 Celebrations of Love
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The Wedding Officiant Sharing secrets in a comprehensive book of wedding ceremony ideas By Ann Hutton
J
udith Johnson has presided over a lot of weddings—so many that at one n writpoint she realized the wisdom in ing down all the various and sundry undry details a couple might choose to include in their ceremony. It was simply mply a matter of efficiency for her to not have to repeat epeat literally hundreds of possibilities each time she ake met with a bride- and/or groom-to-be to make plans for their wedding. In doing so, Johnson on compiled the quintessential book for couuples to use to create their own truly uniquee and meaningful wedding ceremonies.. Now in its second printing, The Wedding Ceremony Planner delivers on its subtitle’s promise: to be the “essential guide to the most important part of your wedding day.” While other how-to books might be chock-full of ideas regarding the style of invitations and flowers and the arrangement of guests at the reception dinner and the all-important matter of what to wear, Johnson’s planner has coupless contemplating exactly what marriage means to them and exactly how—word-for-word and step-byep-byo stick step—they might express their intentions to with it over the long haul. It also gives them multiple choices in how their ceremony might be produced, with chapters covering everything from the processional down the aisle to symbolic gestures and supportive admonitions made by the participants, and to the exchange of rings and a final pronouncement. Each element can be customized to represent the beliefs and desires of the couple. According to Johnson, “creating your wedding, your way” can enhance the experience of everyone involved. Leaving such details up to one’s cleric used to be the assumed custom, and most ceremonial rituals like weddings, baptisms, and funerals were based in long established traditions. Johnson points out that while marrying partners once typically came out of the same community or attended the same house of worship, things are not now so homogenous and set. Interreligious, interracial, and same sex marriages are an accepted fact, sometimes initiating a blend or combination of traditions, or even instigating the invention of new ones. What’s more, many people do not now maintain trusted relationships with their pastors, imams, and rabbis, or even adhere to a religious practice at all. Johnson notes in the first chapter of The Wedding Ceremony Planner that couples who describe themselves as “spiritual but not religious” belong to a demographic that’s doubled in size in the past decade. It’s this group—diverse in what its individual members proclaim to believe about spiritual matters—that has brought about the personalization of wedding ceremonies. Yet a do-it-yourself ceremony need not feel like a spontaneous hippie fest down by the river—or it can, if that’s what is called for. Or it might evoke the feel of a Princess Di-like theatrical production, or perhaps one less formal and extravagant, in keeping with the couple’s preferred tone. In any case, the thought put into a wedding ceremony should reflect who the part-
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ners are for each other and who h are as individuals d d l and d as a they couple in their own community. The Wedding Ceremony Planner is a rich source of inspirational guidance. Deciding what to say to that special someone standing next to you in front of all gathered can be a daunting task. Johnson provides sample vows and procedures, including opening prayers, gathering words, blessings, and benedictions, from which a couple can pick and choose what is most appropriate for them. Many chapters end with downloadable worksheets to help address vari-
ous tasks an and decisions-in-the-making. “When I started officiating weddings in 1991, it w was a very different world,” says Johnson. “Now ‘Uncle Charlie’ can go online, pay some money and poof. He is now Reverend Charlie and can legally officiate a wedding. I would say this is not safe ground. The legal battles have not yet been challenged, and because of tthe separation of church and state, a lo lot of people are getting away with this. So Sometimes these people have no idea of all the intricate details that go into a b beautiful wedding. They don’t know wha what questions to ask, how to run a rehear hearsal, or anything.” Aft After training in the ceremonial rituals of offi officiating a wedding, Johnson became license licensed in the state of New York to conduct the cer ceremony. She is also familiar with the licensin licensing procedures required in other states, and is no now looking into becoming certified in other cou countries, in order to perform at “destination we weddings” offshore. Finding her spiritual niche in the business of officiatin officiating weddings was clearly a good fit for Johnson. Sh She’d had public speaking experience in corporate world, so she knew she could stand the corporat in front of a crowd and perform. “I did a wedding people the other day. And I got to stand for 150 peo there and share sh a message about the power of love in our lives lives. There is nothing—nothing—more important than th loving each other. I believe that so passionately passionately. And I get to ‘preach’ that!” ’ evident d It’s that Johnson believes in the power of words. A concise reference, The Wedding Ceremony Planner can be used by anyone to create a ceremony that speaks to the celebration of marriage as a living, evolving, yet ever-meaningful institution in our lives. Reverend Judith Johnson, Ph.D., is an author, speaker, coach, and interfaith minister. She lives in Rhinebeck, NY, and travels to serve as wedding officiant to happily marrying couples throughout the region. See http://www.judithjohnson.com or contact her at judithjohnson@hvc.rr.com.
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21, 2016 12 | July Celebrations of Love
Our method Communication can make marriages work By Violet Snow
T
he woman wants to “talk about our relationship.” The man tries for a few minutes, gets negative feedback that hurts, and clams up, making the woman feel helpless and furious. The relationship goes downhill from
there. No matter how much two people have in common, no matter how much they love each other, there are bound to be differences of opinion and conflicting needs. Often one partner is better at expressing emotions, which make the other partner feel swamped. The key to solving problems is often finding a way to talk about feelings and negotiate differences — in short, acquiring communication skills. My husband Sparrow and I have been married for 27 years, and the first dozen or so were pretty rocky. There were many times I was sure we’d end up divorced, but we managed to stick it out. The turning point came when we discovered a book by psychotherapist Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., entitled Getting the Love You Want, which has sold over two million copies. The book instructed us in a communication method that broke the classic “demand-withdraw” pattern described above. I feel it saved our marriage. If you’re struggling with a romantic partner or a spouse, in a relationship you would really like to keep, you might want to check out this technique. It takes work, but it may change your life. Studies have shown that many distressed couples struggle with the demand-withdraw pattern.
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WIKICOMMONS
One of the key lessons relationship therapists teach us is to acknowledge and not cite one’s differences. In a heterosexual relationship, women are more often in the “demand” role, while men tend to “withdraw.” In our case, the gender roles are reversed. Sparrow is the more fluent talker, eager to engage, spontaneous about expressing his feelings. I used to be paralyzed by his resentment or anger, pulling into my shell when I was overwhelmed by his detailed analysis of what I’d done wrong. The mirroring method we learned from Hendrix’s book was effective at correcting this temperamental imbalance.
“
T
he method,” as we call it, is pretty simple. Both people take turns listening to each other without interruption and mirror back what they’ve heard. More specifically: Partner A talks about what’s bothering her/him. Partner B does not interrupt, but every so often A
y
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pauses so B can paraphrase what A has just said. If A feels B has not understood, A tries again, until B has got it down. When A feels the situation has been thoroughly explored from his/her point of view, B says a word or two to summarize A’s emotional state, which A either confirms or corrects. Then they trade roles, with B speaking and A mirroring. They keep taking turns until they feel they have fully expressed themselves. By this time, both partners have most likely explored their emotions in sufficient complexity to make them feel calmer and more sympathetic towards each other. Anger, after all, is usually masking other feelings — self-doubt, longing, vulnerability — that are hard to admit but emerge more easily when one feels understood. Here’s the catch. The most important and most difficult rule of the method is not to interrupt the person who’s talking. Sometimes it’s excruciating. You have to let the other person say whatever they want, even if you feel devastated, even if you know they’re wrong, even if they’ve totally misrepresented what you said and did. You have to button
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Some kinds of love, Marguerita told Tom... Between thought and expression lies a lifetime. Situations arise because of the weather And no kinds of love are better than others. Some kinds of love, Marguerita told Tom... Like a dirty French novel combines the absurd with the vulgar, And some kinds of love — the possibilities are endless And for me to miss one would seem to be groundless. I head what you said, Marguerita heard Tom, And of course you’re a bore but in that you’re not charmless ‘Cause a bore is a straight line that finds a wealth in division And some kinds of love are mistaken for vision. Put jelly on your shoulder, let us do what you fear most; That from which you recoil but which still makes your eyes moist. Put jelly on your shoulder baby, lie down upon the carpet... Between thought and expression let us now kiss the culprit, move it on. By Lou Reed
July 21, 2016 Celebrations of Love
| 13
When Sparrow asks me this question, it’s like a wave of cold water washing me into a moment of self-reflection. The memory that comes up can be potent, startling in its resemblance to the present problem, and always grounding. When it’s his turn to recall a past trauma, I feel compassion. The situation is often defused, the tension relaxed. The method didn’t instantly resolve all our problems. It’s a tool, not a cure. We were so encouraged by our initial experimentation that we went to a couples therapist who was trained in the imago technique and helped us solidify the benefits. We wrangled on for a few years, but our former three-day fights dwindled to only an hour or so and then decreased in frequency. Although we rarely fight these days, we still invoke the method when dealing with resentments, however minor, just to nip problems in the bud. Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D, offer workshops for couples as well as DVD courses to use at home. See http://harvilleandhelen.com. To find a counselor trained in their system, search online for “imago therapist.”
WIKICOMMONS
Lasting marriages are often based on learned patterns of communication. your lip and let the pain roil around inside until they are done. The beauty of this self-discipline on your part is threefold. One, the partner who tends to withdraw gets to say things they would never say otherwise, often revealing misunderstandings that can easily be cleared up. Two, you enable your partner to work through to those softer feelings mentioned above. Three, you get a turn next. Hendrix calls the difficult wait for a turn “stretching.” You stretch beyond your usual habit of reaction and hurt, sacrificing the gratification you would get from asserting your self-righteous anger in the moment. (After all, you’ll get to express your reactions in a few minutes -- although after hearing your partner out, you might feel differently.) That act of sacrifice proves to your partner that you really do care for them, even if you’ve been acting like a jerk up until now. And when they make the same sacrifice for you, the mutual bond is strengthened.
T
here’s another wrinkle to the technique. Hendrix calls his system “imago therapy” because it includes a concept that adds punch when the problems are most stubborn. He believes we internalize unresolved conflicts with our parents and seek partners who will recreate those same kinds of conflicts, based on an “imago” or representation of our parents stored in our subconscious. While we didn’t have the power to negotiate with our parents when we were children, now that we’re adults we have the potential to work through the problem and heal the pain with the help of a partner. Sometimes it’s useful to recognize that a current battle resembles past pain, and that our responses have more to do with a parent than with the partner who has provoked the painful emotion. So once in a while, Hendrix advises you to ask your partner (when they have reached the end of a turn
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Keeping on...
Dan and Sonia, in a photo from the couple’s Facebook page.
How to write a love story entitled “The Second Time Around” By Ann Hutton
Y
ou start with two people, naturally. We’ll call them Sonia and Dan. These two were born and raised in Cleveland. They both attended the same high school and moved to New York City before meeting each other. When a mutual acquaintance who knew where they were from suggests that they might know each other — and if not, did they want to meet, Sonia thinks, “I’m in New York City now. Why would I want to meet a boy from Cleveland?” They acquiesce to this minor stroke of fate, making mutual acquaintance with each other, at first for the sake of convenience. In order to take advantage of discounted airline tickets, they pretend to be husband and wife on holiday flights back and forth to Cleveland. They connect as good friends in this intrigue. Without fanfare, their pretense sticks. She moves into his apartment. “She hid her underwear beneath newspaper in my chest of drawers when my parents came to visit me,” he says. “I think my father noticed.” They tie the knot. She always wanted to be married to a concert pianist. They travel the world by ocean liner and live in England for awhile. He’s legally blind, so she does all the driving. An old photo shows her small frame attempting to lift their also-small British-made car out of a tight parking spot. She’s laughing for the camera. Back in the States, things change. Things get dicey. They divorce. Years pass. He has two more wives and teaches at a college in Baltimore, while she works in New York’s art scene and experiences life as it comes at her in the groovy 1960s — the era of drop out/turn on/tune in. She does. One day — her birthday — he plays a concert at Carnegie Hall. She’s in the audience. His playing is inspired. They meet again backstage. “I just wanted to adopt him right then!” she comments
fondly. They reconnect and eventually remarry. They live in Woodstock until he buys a boat, which he can navigate, his impaired eyesight notwithstanding. They cast off on a long adventure down the Eastern Seaboard and back, to live in New York City until 9/11/2001. Jarred by the terror of it, they sell out and return to Woodstock, where things have changed as they have in the rest of the world, but not so much that they can’t be happy again.
S
econd-time-around love stories abound. Two friends who haven’t seen each other for 20 years might meet at a school reunion and consummate their flickering admiration for each other as grownups. Their previous divorces do nothing to discourage them from creating a new bond from scratch. The romance of it is overwhelming. First marriages are often mistakes, after all — trial runs for the real thing. Or they end when death intercedes, which is romantic in its own way. My mother was widowed in her late sixties after living with and knowing — in the biblical sense — only my father for the previous 40 years. One day she calls me up and giggles over the phone, “I’ve met a man.” What? She can barely walk on her arthritis-bent legs, but she went out dancing and got swept away. They get hitched and fill their remaining years with their own special geriatric sparkle. Or the second-time-around may fill the slot between the first and third times. This happens more than we can imagine for one reason or another. Serial love. Romantic insatiability. Who can say why some of us stick together and others don’t? As observers of this scenario, it might be difficult to generate enthusiasm for repeated invitations to witness one person’s various liaisons — but we are not here to judge.
A
nd what does happily-ever-after mean for our couple, lo this many years on? What of Sonia and Dan after the settling-down occurs and the thrill of the concert stage recedes? What keeps them from drifting away from each other again? Certainly, the logistics of aging don’t get any easier. The challenges of these times confound; losses pile up like old clothes in a basement storage room: unseen on a daily basis, but there to remind them where they’ve been. The high crests
and the low ebbs require resilience. And faith in something, if only the surety that the bag of bagels she orders from Zabar’s in Manhattan will arrive on time for Sunday’s brunch. Now in a home at the base of Overlook Mountain, appointed with tasteful modern accoutrements and a dining table big enough to entertain lots of intimate friends, they continue to do what comes naturally. She outfits one bedroom as a meditation space so she can retreat and contemplate. A grand piano dominates the living room, where a huge painting hangs on the wall to inspire him as he plays. She cooks. He composes. She practices yoga. He practices his variations. She arranges social and musical events. He prepares for them and enjoys the light that still shines on them both. They thrive on a dream, a foregone conclusion that a greater purpose governs: to join together, to accomplish living artfully, to rise to a higher level as one. Theirs is a love story that covers more than a half-century. You, the observer and writer, must record what happened. You feature significant turning points and dramatize highlights, and draw your conclusions. Then you see if you can match their example. Love simply is. Be with it.
Falling In Love Again Falling in love again Never wanted to What am I to do? I can’t help it Love’s always been my game Play it how I may I was made that way I can’t help it Men cluster to me Like moths around a flame And if their wings burn I know I’m not to blame Falling in love again Never wanted to What am I to do? I just can’t help it By Friedrich Hollaender / Samuel Lerner
July 21, 2016 Celebrations of Love
| 15
Baby is teaching love The cycle of life goes on and on By Elisabeth Henry
I
am just one of the many moons that orbit Planet Princess. Her mother is the sun. Daddy’s stock is rising now that she’s old enough to revel in a story well told, and ride on strong shoulders. Poor Daddy. He passed the suitor test quite handily, and scored remarkably well in the adjudication by mother-inlaw. However, trials of the grandmother/grand inquisitor are ongoing. “Window locks properly installed and locked?” “Check!” “Baby gates at any and all staircases?” “Check!” “Dogs and cats neutered, temperament tested, and supervised at all times?” “Check!” “Motion lights installed and dogs allowed to roam freely in the house at night. Please reference the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. It’s in all the history books. Destroy your ladders. And be certain you know the difference between the wet diaper cry, the hunger cry, and the stranger-in-the-house cry.” “Huh? Uh, okay.” Perhaps my hyper-vigilance has to do with distance. She lives five hours away. I watch videos of her over and over, and love hearing the soft baby sounds she makes in her mother’s arms during telephone calls.
A
Celebrations of Love July 21, 2016 An Ulster Publishing publication Editorial WRITERS: Elisabeth Henry, Ann Hutton, Jodi LaMarco, Tim Moore, Rossi, Paul Smart and Violet Snow Cover photo from 2015 New Paltz Pride Parade by Lauren Thomas EDITOR: Paul Smart LAYOUT: Joe Morgan Ulster Publishing PUBLISHER: Geddy Sveikauskas ADVERTISING DIRECTOR: Genia Wickwire DISPLAY ADS: Lynn Coraza, Pam Courselle,
Pamela Geskie, Elizabeth Jackson, Ralph Longendyke, Sue Rogers, Linda Saccoman PRODUCTION MANAGER: Joe Morgan PRODUCTION: Diane Congello-Brandes, Josh Gilligan, Rick Holland CLASSIFIED ADS: Amy Murphy, Tobi Watson CIRCULATION: Dominic Labate Celebrations of Love: Summer Edition is an annual publication produced by Ulster Publishing. It is distributed in the company’s four weekly newspapers and separately at select locations, reaching an estimated readership of over 50,000. For more info on upcoming special sections, including how to place an ad, call 845-334-8200, fax 845-334-8202 or email: info@ulsterpublishing.com.
PHOTO SUPPLIED BY ELISABETH HENRY
The author and her first granddaughter, teaching each other all they can about love. “While I showered I placed her in her Boppi chair on the floor outside. When I opened the curtain to check on her, she began to cry in fright!” “You sprayed her with water, and she’s not developed enough cognitively to understand that you were behind the curtain all the while. Thus, Peek-A-Boo.” “She’s seems to be delayed, verbally. She just babbles. It makes no sense.” “It’s making plenty of sense to her.” Daddy, while better at rolling with it, scores low marks for gracefully coping with the interruptedsleep part. Lucky for him, he has no boobs. Had he been so endowed by his Creator, he would then come to understand what “no sleep” means.
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t is sweet to watch the parents make discoveries and exertions, all having to do with their paramount purpose. Daddy is a medical professional, so his wardrobe concerns are satisfied as long as his scrubs are clean. And yet he has a favorite color for his daughter’s dresses, and likes to buy her shoes. Very-social Mom now has no time for long gabs on the phone with girlfriends, Night out, or lunch with the girls? Her many advanced academic degrees matter not so much. “Yeah, it would be wise to take on clients for the summer, but I’m just gonna hang with the baby.” It is not just because the parents feel responsible. Something much deeper is going on. Baby is teaching them love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud., etc.” I forgot. Of course I “loved” my parents. Of course I had brushes with romance, and those sorts of adventures. But somewhere, I suspect, like most of us, I forgot what love is, in its essence. And then my daughter, Baby the Buddha, came along. She stared frankly into my eyes and examined my soul and found it not lacking. Everything was A-Okay as long as I was there. She was perfectly at peace when she nestled into my arms. She had faith in me, and believed my words. These things filled me up, and made me better.
This is happening to my grandchild’s parents. As good as they were before she came along, and they were very good, they are getting better. They see the world as a place to make good for all babies. My deep love for this grandchild began when I gave birth to her mother. It is familiar. What is new is the second sense that all the mothers are around her. My mother. My husband’s mother. Our grandmothers. They were fierce and tender. As big and strong as my father was, it was my vigilant, tiny mother who pulled me from the surf when I was four. My grandmother held me gently when I got car-sick, the warmth of her calmed my tummy. My other grandmother had a stroke before I was born. She was completely debilitated, had no speech, could not walk or feed herself. And yet when they placed me, a newborn, near her, she took me in her arms and cuddled me expertly. These things stay with us. My granddaughter feels the happiness we all feel when we are together. She studies my face,
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s much as Granny has catalogued all that is wrong with the world, and concocted ways to foil its dastardly intentions, she is likewise a font of reassurance for all that is right with baby. This reassurance is usually more needed for Mommy. Daddy remains simply happy that the occurrence of soiled diapers is ongoing and healthy. He has developed a commendable gag response in record time. Mommy tortures herself with conflated fears, born of imagination, the blogosphere, and all those PSA newsletters that litter the pediatrician’s office. “I don’t think she’s gaining enough weight. My breast milk must be inferior.” “Drink more beer.”
21, 2016 16 | July Celebrations of Love and my husband’s face. Perhaps she sees glimpses of her mother’s eyes, her lips, or hears her mother’s laugh in mine.
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look at her and see some reflections of the past, but mostly I see someone new and unique, who is bringing in a new age and who will help us navigate it. I look forward to more learning. Recently I was cast in a production of early Thornton Wilder plays. During one very quiet speech of mine, a little boy in the audience demanded popcorn, and a baby began to wail. I heard them, but it hardly made me lose my focus. Later on, in the dressing room, when the young, childless actresses complained about the children, we more seasoned women smiled to ourselves and said nothing. I loved raising my children, but I love my simpler, more solitary life now. I love to write, and to read, and to listen to music in a quiet house that once vibrated with the energy of little kids and little friends, many pets, radios, TVs and the sounds of various types of balls hitting the walls. And the windows. Now, very often the only sounds are birds and crickets. I get to watch Masterpiece Theater on the television, and listen to Rachmaninoff or Bonnie Raitt. I share my pound of sweet cherries only with my husband. A box of frozen-fruit pops lasts weeks. Sometimes we eat French toast for dinner. The last time my granddaughter visited, she
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Weddings may sometimes be formal, but there’s always a bit of the carefree in everything love touches. reached for me. I cradled her, and she lay her head against my chest and sighed. I play that moment
over and over in my mind every night when I close my eyes, and that’s why I sleep well.
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