8 minute read
Editorial from Creative Director, Amy Bell
Surrendering to the Black Dragon
By Amy Bell
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Holy lesson in trust as I work toward this gold deadline! Each edition brings its excitement and challenges and it was silly of me to think that Gold would be any different. Many of the writers for this edition are going to speak to you about stepping into your power, embracing your I Am’ness and the alchemy that comes with Gold. I am going to write about another aspect of Gold, trusting and surrendering into what is. I had no idea how much of a control freak I actually was until I was put to the trust test this month.
For the last few years, I have taken part in a predictions program put on by my mentor Moira Bush. At the beginning of the year, we pull 12 cards from her Colour Mirrors Oracle Card deck. One card for each month of 2022.
As I absorbed my spread for the year, I found myself feeling a bit nervous with the amount of black cards, particularly the ‘Black Dragon’ card for March. When you read the message of the Black Dragon (below) you’ll understand why I was a bit skittish about that particular card turning up. (In my Birthday month of all months!).
When I picked the card in January, I had no understanding of how impactful and bang on this card would be! What stuck out for me in the description about the Black Dragon was the bit about ‘endings’. I’ve never been good with goodbyes or endings so I entered into March, with much trepidation, I was actually relieved to see that no major upheavals were on the horizon and I started to relax. That is until my King and I had the brilliant idea that now was the perfect time to sell our home and kick-start our dream of owning a retreat centre. Exciting... Right?!
With no idea where we would end up I went to visit my Real Estate Agent to find out the state of the market. When I asked her when a good time to put the house on the market would be... Her answer was ... yesterday!
Because I love the story that numbers and colours tell and for shits and giggles I calculated the date I went to see my agent, which was the date I signed the paperwork to list the house.
09.03.2022 = 18 (1+8=9) Nine is an ending number, which I thought was pretty neat. I was ending a cycle on a date that was a nine. Cool huh? But wait, it gets cooler!
When this house closes (in June) I will have been here for exactly 9 years! And...
I just turned 54 this year, ALSO A NINE! (5+4=9) And...
The closing date that works best for our family is 24.06.2022 WHICH IS ALSO A NINE!!!
Did I need any more conformation from the universe that I was heading in the right direction?! With all those beautiful nines you’d think that surrendering to what is should be easy... Right? I wish!
I went into full panic mode! Where would I put the bunnies while we had the house on the market? How was I going to paint the entire house in a week? How were we going to clear out the garage that had become the storage unit for family members? There was decluttering, fixing, raking, dumping and right... A magazine to get out by April 1!
Suddenly the relaxation of nothing on the horizon turned into chaos and mayhem! I can’t tell you how many times I sat in the middle of the floor and cried at the magnitude of what I had signed up for. And there was my man, cool as a cucumber not worried and constantly reassuring me all would be well.
We spent an entire day going through our garage, touching everything once... Were we keeping it? Were we chucking it? Could we use that for our new retreat centre? “Do we really need to hold on to those hockey sticks Brian?” In nine years, I’ve never seen him play once lol! At the end of the day, we felt AMAZING. Everything was labeled and placed in secure bins for safe keeping. I truly felt that we had both risen from the ashes of old soccer shoes and ski equipment!
Now it was time declutter the house and make it feel like no one lives there... Why is that?? Who came up with notion that there should be no evidence of humans living in a home for sale?? Anyway, we had the appointment with the home stager, and she sent me a 10-page document of stuff to move, keep or fix ... again, I found myself freaking out at the giant task before me. Photos were in 6 days, and I still hadn’t picked up a paint brush!
Brian and I worked 14-hour days prepping and cleaning and painting ... OH MY! I wanted perfection; I wanted my home for the last 9 years to look her best when I presented her to the world. I can’t even tell you how fast those 6 days went. The day before the photographer came, I had a meltdown. I sent an SOS text to Moira on how to bend time so I had room in the final day to get the house perfect.
Her advice... Surrender. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted a magical solution that would make everything OK. I asked her what the hell surrendering and detaching even looked like. It was as though all my spiritual and colour training went out the window. She said I should breathe in “I Am” and breathe out “I Surrender” and do it until I pretty much pass out! Do it until I felt it in my soul. While I was breathing in I AM and breathing out I SURRENDER!!! I got my shadow cards out. Why was I having such a difficult time letting go?
I pulled the “Time” card. Was the universe joking?! Time is what I needed and there it was. In God’s time, not mine... OF COURSE!
I was trying to push my agenda rather than surrendering into the agenda that my higher self already had for me. I found myself repeating “everything is perfect as it is”. If there’s a vent that isn’t covered, or a spot on the wall... Who cares! It’s not going to have any impact on the sale of my home. After-all, this house is 54 like me and trust me, I have some cracks and scars but that doesn’t mean my man is not going to want me because of them. (OMG!! The house is a 9 this year!!)
As I write this editorial, I am smack in the process of trusting AGAIN! The house is listed and over the weekend there were only 2 showings... ugh! We spent a fortune on hotel rooms, our family was uprooted, the bunnies were a 3-hour tour away (Thank you Jenn!) And barely an interest! I was completely perplexed and second guessing my agent’s suggestions, I was second guessing the photos we took, the copy that was written for the listing... I was pointing fingers and wanting to blame someone for the lack of interest. I messaged her and wanted answers as to what the hell was going on? Her response... We’ve done everything possible, now we have to trust the process. Again, that was NOT what I wanted to hear! (Do you see a pattern here lol!)
After a hot reply I sent her an apology. She was right. Why was I trying, again, to push my agenda? I allowed my shadow to drive the bus for a moment. Rather than recognizing that when I’m in fear, my spirit is perfectly fine, I allowed that fear/shadow to drive my bus and it drove straight to ‘mean town’.
Clearly my agent is used to people freaking out and was gracious enough to accept my apology and I carried on breathing in I AM and breathing out I SURRENDER.
It is exactly 9:11 pm on the day I was supposed to sell my house. (lol! Even as I type that I can hear my controlling nature taking over) I was hoping that by the end of this article I would be able to tell you that my house is sold and my rebirth is complete. But honestly, aren’t we always in a state of death and rebirth? Isn’t life just a continuous cycle of endings and beginnings? So here I sit, in my darkness, watching the sparkles of a new cycle float in my vortex and my job is to surrender and follow the glitter into my next adventure.
