To whom it may concern. concern...
To whom It may concern..… I was 16, just. You were no stranger, you knew me, you knew my age. You were older, you should have know better and yet ... and yet you took what you wanted. You told me the things I wanted to hear, made me feel desired and understood. But I was too impressionable, naive, I wasn’t ready, but you knew that. If I stop and look back on that time, I knew it too, but I so wanted to be wanted without fully understanding what precarious path I was going down. You took advantage of your position, you took advantage of me, I know it may sound dramatic but it felt like you took my last shred of innocence. You told me I couldn’t speak of this, not to anyone. I was left confused, feeling used and cast aside. For years I blamed myself, felt ashamed and embarrassed that I’d let you take advantage of me in this way. This confusion and hurt festered inside me. I became passive to the manipulation and toxic treatment at the hands of males that entered my life. They say time is a healer, and thankfully in my case this is true. I was 20 when I eventually opened my eyes to the reality of what had passed and what could be. This past year I’ve been coming to terms with what happened and why I let myself be subjected to such treatment. I understand now why I let myself be treated like this and it always comes back to you. Through self healing I am stronger now. I will not let past mistakes define who I am and how I want to be treated. I am worth so much more than that.
Hannah “Within my daily life, a lot of the sexism I am privy to is based on gender assumptions, like what each gender can accomplish ... it’s very subtle, however, I know other women pick up on it too. Things like my lecturers are always saying cameraMEN or rereferring to directors as HE – it can be very off putting, causing fleeting moments where I lose focus and can’t see myself in these roles, even though I know I am more than capable of doing them. When doing workshops, boys tend to dominate, creating an unsettling environment where the female counterpart feels like they cannot speak up. I’m often asked to ‘stand in’ rather than help with the technical jobs. Literally, sit still, look pretty. I would like to see more action, and more action earlier on in peoples lives. I don’t think we fully realise how vital the early years are.”
Paris “I hate the term bird! How do you turn someone the same species as you to something entirely different and feel it’s okay? The logic behind that is insane. I get called ‘princess’ and ‘sweetheart’ by my boyfriend and I never feel it’s possessive or downgrading because it comes from someone who I have built a relationship with and trust, someone who understands me and has always asked how I feel towards anything. When I get called ‘darling’, ‘dear’ or ‘sweetheart’ by random men on the street or in my workplace, I hate it. They’re complete strangers and speak to me as if I’m something/someone doing them a favour but I’m not and I have a name. My name is Paris. You don’t know me and you sure haven’t earned the right to call me darling. I have lived in Texas. On one occasion I was walking in our gated Community to the clubhouse. I was shouted and ogled by a truckload of men. I was only 12 at the time. After this event I would always notice when someone stared or yelled or slowed down next to me. I never thought of the attention I was getting in a vain way or appreciated way, it disgusted me because I’m not an object and I’m more than my body or looks. I once confronted a couple of boys who yelled and made faces at me when my mum was on her way to pick me up. I told them I knew they all had sisters, so how did they think their behaviour towards me was acceptable. I got no answers from them ... they kept doing it. “
Lucy “Sexism and misogyny was something that I was not aware of at a younger age but as I got older (and developed in physical terms e.g. getting boobs) I became more aware of it. In my school, as I feel happens in many others, the male gaze is cast on girls. I remember being acutely aware of boys being behind me as I walked up stairs for fear that they would look up my skirt. Furthermore, I had a particular experience when I won an overall achievement award for my A Level grades (which was given to one boy and one girl at the end of 6th form). When I went to the awards ceremony to receive my award, the boy got his first in a variety of scientific subjects. Then when it came to my turn the head of sixth form said, in front of the entire hall of people, that I ‘took the easier route’ to achieving my 4 A*s as I took subjects such as English. I think it is important that men are educated and become aware of how their dialogue and behaviour can be interpreted as sexist and also how this sexism goes on to affect women. I believe a good place to start is for parents to educate their daughters to be empowered individuals and should also educate their sons on how sexism operates and how to be feminists themselves.”
Rachel “Although throughout secondary school there where probably sexist remarks made at some point, it was when I was at College that there was one experience that stuck with me. I was studying software engineering. I was the only girl in the entire year, and when it came to a games development module, I was told by my male teacher that because I was a girl who didn’t play games, that it would be basically impossible for me to get a distinction in the unit,that he was teac hing! Looking back I probably should have raised this assumption/statement with the course leader, but I didn’t. I’d never experienced anything like that before, and so, instead I worked my ass off and got a fucking Distinction. Unfortunately, taking a computer science subject generally means that you’ll surrounded by mostly guys all the time, and unfortunately that tends to mean you’ll hear a lot of comments or jokes that you’d rather not hear as a woman. I’m a strong believer that labels such as ‘bird’, ‘princess’ and ‘sweetheart’ are incredibly degrading when used in certain contexts. However, a boyfriend or family member calling me by any of these terms, and as long as I’m comfortable with them, then its totally fine, but for random men who don’t know you, it’s just gross and inappropriate. Once when I was at a bus stop, an old man called me ‘princess’ and said I should smile because I looked grumpy. Looking back, I probably should’ve told him to fuck off. Unfortunately though, after being conditioned by society to take interactions like that nicely, I just awkwardly smiled and said ‘okay’.”
Lauren “As soon as I and the boys around me hit puberty, things like what I wore and the way I sat, all of a sudden became much more important. ‘Act like a lady’,‘don’t be so loud’ ... it was part of the reason I moved to Scouts instead of the Girl Guides because it was so much more fun!! I was able to relax and be who I wanted, the boys and I were equal, I could be as loud and I wanted, get covered in mud, go out in the dark, build rafts and race them across rivers and I was treated equal. Sadly, outside of that it was inappropriate to wear a body-con dress to my family gathering. I shouldn’t wear short shorts in my own home because ‘people don’t know where to look’ and showing nipple through a shirt or too much breast is still very much frowned upon, but my stepdad can pee with the door open! The one time that sticks out in my mind for being truly scared to be around a male, was when I was 16 with my boyfriend at the time. I told him I wasn’t ready to partake in things like foreplay and sex but he wouldn’t drop it. He kept asking me why I didn’t love him and saying that if I loved him I’d do what he asked. I ended up doing a lot of things with him that I was in no way ready for, that I said ‘NO’ to multiple times until I felt like I had no choice but to say yes. Letting him ‘put it in once’ to keep him happy, to the point where he then tried to hold me down and keep going and have sex with me, still mars my memories. I had to kick him off me and then lie, telling him I could hear my brother coming towards my room. I don’t think I’ll ever really recover from this. It makes being vulnerable/open with people I don’t know very well impossible. I’ve never had a one night stand out of fear of ending up in a similar situation and it has destroyed my confidence and love for my body. To this day I can still feel his hands on me. I hate him for it. It was the most terrifying ordeal of my life. “
Lydia “ The girls at primary school weren’t really allowed to play rugby/ tag rugby whereas the boys were. Apparently if we played it, we would get hurt! We were too young at the time to even question it, but if this had been the case in secondary school we probably would have said something. Men look me up and down all the time, I could be in the supermarket, on a walk or in a pub and they’d still do it. Typically its middle aged white men. An old family friend of my parents came to visit and he was incredibly inappropriate. He would look me up and down and mid conversation would come out with some questionable sentences. I felt extremely uncomfortable and yet didn’t tell my parents about it because he’s a ‘good friend’ of theirs. “
Isabella “I’ve experienced unwanted male attention, lots! Whether it’s when I’ve shared a bed with a male friend and their hands have wandered as they’ve thought I’m asleep or the random dick pics from strangers online. I think the thing that gets under my skin the most is the way that these men handle the rejection. You can have a guy call you beautiful and ask to take you out one minute, and the next he’s calling you a whore because you aren’t interested in that way. Its amazing what lengths the fragile male psyche will go to in order to keep control of a situation; the moment their masculinity is challenged, that they realise they are no longer in control, they will do anything they can to assert their position of dominance. When you reject a man and he verbally or physically attacks you, all he is trying to do is lower your own opinion of yourself, to a point where its so low that you consider giving him the sexual gratification he is asking for. He is manipulating you into questioning your self-worth and to placing him on a pedestal where you define your self-worth by his attraction to you. Ultimately he hopes that by insulting you, you will fall at his knees in desperation to receive some of his praise.”
Anna “At first, I accepted the treatment I received as I was uneducated and thought it’s the only acceptable way to live and survive. However, after doing my research , talking to my friends and people from around the world I realised that my worth doesn’t depend on a male opinion which has been relieving and I can definitely say that I’m not dependent on any man and I never will be. I’ve always felt uncomfortable walking past a group of men even if I’m with someone. Knowing that most likely they will not do anything, I still can’t help but think that something might happen to me and I won’t be able to react in time. If I’m wearing headphones, I turn the music off just to make sure that no one makes a comment about me. I’ve worked in the hospitality industry all my life, I receive unwanted attention all the time. Males, especially drunk ones, seem to not understand that it is my job to be nice to them, that it doesn’t mean I want to go out with them after an 8 hour shift. Moreover, I constantly receive unwanted comments about my appearance, and even if it seems nice and genuine, I still didn’t ask for it and please keep those to yourself.”
Alesha “There has not been a particular incidence where I feel unsafe in a mans presence, but catcalling, and boys trying to dance close to me in clubs definitely makes me feel uncomfortable. Boy’s are persistent, they want what they can’t have. If you say ‘no’ or ‘leave me alone’, they get pissed off. It’s never nice to be rejected but, some people really struggle with handling rejection. I’m uncomfortable taking an Uber alone with a male driver, If and when I do take Ubers, I always make sure someone knows my whereabouts. I never walk home at night alone either, I don’t feel safe enough to do so. I could end up walking home alone one night and be followed… or even worse. I feel especially uncomfortable walking past a group of men, they stare and call you names, expecting you to like it and find some sort of pleasure in being catcalled by a group of grown men. I never understood why these people enjoy making others feel so visibly and internally uncomfortable. Imagine if you had a daughter and she got cat called or harassed by grown men, would you think it was funny then?”
Honour “Boys didn’t pay me much attention whilst I was growing up, at least not in that way. I had boys that were friends but I wasn’t the attractive, popular girl. Girlfriends around me had boyfriends or occasional one night stands. It made me wonder why I wasn’t desirable and wanting the male attention. It wasn’t until I went to uni that I became more confident, happy and sure of myself that boys started to pay me attention. Little did I realise that it would open up Pandora’s Box of unwanted male attention ... arse grabbing, getting cornered in bars, having obscenities yelled at you as you walk down the street... although, catcalling was something that started happening when I was I was a lot younger. It was a bit of a whirlwind. If I let my thoughts wander, occasionally they drift and settle on a confusing and awful memory that I used to let torment me that was from a night out, about a year and a half ago. The evening had come to a close and I was drunk. The kind of ‘drunk’ where I should have gone home an hour ago and be tucked up safely in bed. Instead, a guy I knew at the time and who had been out that night drinking too, took me back home to my house. The sequence of events that followed were that I threw up in the toilet, blacked out and the next morning when I woke I was lying in my bed with him next to me. We were both naked. The hangover kicking in, my head throbbing, I asked what had happened. Apparently I had thrown up and he’d taken care of me, you know, held my hair, rubbed my back, that sort of thing. I asked him if we had slept together, he said “ yeah, do you not remember? It was great!” I couldn’t remember a thing although come to think of it, I had the stale taste of vomit permeating my mouth. I remember lying there with this unnerving feeling sweeping over me. I mean, to go from throwing up to sleeping together ... I didn’t know how that could even happen? Surely he could have seen that I was in no fit state to do that! I made my excuses and he left. In the moment I shrugged it off as nothing, but the more I thought about it and the more I spoke about it to friends, the more uneasy and confused I felt. Had I been assaulted or was it just drunken sex that I couldn’t remember? He was a friend, someone I trusted. I don’t think he would have ever meant to do something like that but according to him, he had. At the time I blamed myself for getting too drunk, so did a few other acquaintances. But I had some good friends around me who reminded me that even if I was drunk, it hadn’t given him the right to have sex with me. They told me it wasn’t my fault, that it was his, that it was assult. I left it there ... To this day I have minimal recollection of that night and anything I have remembered is snippets. The words, violated, scared and confused, describe the feelings that used to swirl through my thoughts whenever I’d think back to the consequences of me being drunk and him taking advantage. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow, a tough lesson learnt. I haven’t allowed myself to get into that state again since this event. I doubt I ever will.”
Thank you I would like to dedicate this page to all the strong, beautiful women who have taken the time to lay bare their experiences and very personal feelings in this project, presenting a glance of the misogyny and sexism young females encounter. On a personal note, to each and everyone of you that has taken part in this project ... I am truly grateful for the honesty and trust you have placed in me, by allowing your experiences to be presented in this way. Before starting this project I had no idea how many other women had similar negative experiences to me. This project is not intended to be a great slur against men of today. It is also not about a group of women standing up and shouting that men are evil, it just comes down to the simple matter of respect and understand how the actions of others can affect people.