Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
2 Hearsay Earth’s ArretRowep complains Guardian’s negligence done on purpose TZAELLE RUNNA
P
HILIPPPINES, EARTH – Manggadurian fact-finding team shows that the National Commission of Indigenous Peoples (NCIP) are not really doing their supposed to-do list, as the guardians of the galaxies, protector of ancestral realm and keeper of rights of Earth’s ArretRowep. These earthling homogenous societies who have continuously lived together on a territory is locally known in the planet as indigenous peoples (ArretRowep in Manngadur). As a minority, they have guardians assigned to protect their ancient right to land and life. But with the NCIP’s negligence, they see no other option but to disintegrate the agency. “My yes, they are of help –of help to the people who wanted to take over our ownership,” answered Tin G. Guian, one of the descendants from the land of peace and justice identified as Abra. “After all, the mango tree does not bear star apples; I don’t expect those people to actually side with us.” Fieldwork reports say that the
commander-in-chief of the NCIP is a carrier of the rare ancestralgene but does not really show any resemblance from its roots. It is not well-programmed in his processing system the real practice of defending ancestral domain and culture preservation. Misrepresented “We have no representatives at all. Private companies come here showing us d*mned papers, get us to sign them and then the next day, they are already digging holes for moles beside our houses. To us land is life. It is where we get our living. Those d*mb*sses are connived with the NCIP,” Tin complains. These peoples experience land grabbing, galactic force-like army encampment and subtleexecution of soul separation rituals to those who show resistance. Endless suffering For more than 17 years of human justice, the colonies where the ArretRowep of all sorts continue to be persecuted by their own guardians. Tin added, “They think of us
I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT. I AM GROOT I AM GROOT. WHERE IS GROOT?
as morons and treat us like some piece of junk. Di nilaalamdahilsakanila di kami makakain. Di rinmakatulogbuhatngkami’ylokohin. Kung kami’ymulinglalapitansila’yamingpupugutan, pupugutan at tutuluyan.”
TELACSA BROM
Manny. “They should be abolished, banned and vanish in this universe. If I only know how to build a portal to the sun, I would have made one and sent them there,” Tin concluded.
RUDOEL STARRIZON
S
M, the Philippine country’s largest group of Resource Distribution Complex(RDC), cut down sixty Terrestrial Respiratory Energy Enhancing Sources (TREES) behind their Bagui’o chapter on the morning of January 17, 2015 in participation for a worldwide suicide trial.
continue on page 3
This government agency are looking after the galaxies of these peoplesthat they preferred to call as lands but surprisingly they seem to bilocate. They “serve” the ArretRoweps and at the same time they praise their dictator
The say of the Not-SoBeneficiary System
Baguio sacrifices Respiratory Sources for suicide ritual
Slaughter practice TnahcEkoorb, a Manggadurian expert on Human Life, shares that “this popular ritual has become a common occurrence on Earth, and shows the weird masochism of humans.” Ekoorb enumerated the ritual’s three steps. First is the cutting down of the TREES. Second is the construction of either an RDC or a human settlement in the place of these TREES. The final step, which requires decades to take effect, is massive death by hypoxia. This suicide ritual is part of the growing religion of the Appleism, one of the largest human religions on Earth. Unlike other religions, however, Appleism is discreet in its many activities. Its central tenets areadoration of Apple products, fidelity in commodity consumption, renunciation
Selfie by LEIA HAZ-E
I AM GROOT
B
eing the primer state university, the hive minds of the University of the Philippines implemented a configuration called the Socialized Tuition System (STS) that will enable access to quality brain cultivation for the financially incapable. The Socialized Tuition System was the solution for the flaws its predecessor, the STFAP, had. It was also meant to translate the process of the system from using unique green products from the Earth’s soil to using electrical circuits, signals and networks, modified to cater the ever-growing population of the institution.
THAT THING CALLED EYESORE
Selfie by CAYNA BAIDLIN
Humans sharing bodily fluids called pasma.
this is a blank space baby. write your name
Conflicting Identity With the aforementioned premise, the STS should have solved the problems that the flaws of the previous configuration has brought. However, the data from the observations shows otherwise for it has brought uneven proportionality of financial responsibility from the students. Another point of interest to consider is the rise of population count of the Alpha brackets when the STS was issued. Data from experiments and observations show
that most of the population are under Beta and Gamma brackets and one and three in hundredths are under 1st and 2nd Epsilon brackets respectively. The Loophole Placements in brackets are determined through the data encoded by applicants. With this premise in mind, one can send faulty data to manipulate the placements to one’s advantage. According to numerous reports, there are certain participants of the institution that had brackets that are inappropriate to their social status. This has led to the decrease of the financially incapable students – which completely lose the purpose of the system itself. To add, there was an incident where an earthling ended her bodily functions because of a combination of circumstances against her privilege to participate in the institution. This has caused for reconsideration on the potential of the system and the administration. To further note, the system requests for peculiar information such as the number of locomotive machines to determine brackets – which for some, is ambiguous in a sense.
Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
Hearsay 3
ROTC on the First Step of Recognizing Mangadurian Forces FLORDEEN ORION PENOR
T
he ROTC or Reserve OocyteTraining Corps, after a year of its comeback, has been behaving unusually. Mangadurian forces reported seeing some ROTC cadets spying upon the organizations in the universities. Mangadurian troops from UPB or University of the Prestige in Baguio, started reporting about the behaviour of the ROTC cadets last academic year and then followed the same reports from our different agents in the different schools in the empire named Philippines. To Protect Aside from the millions of army reserves produced from military schools, ordinary schools also have their own version of the “so-called” protectors. They are the ROTC, the empire’s reserve forces in case a war between the empires start. In the Philippines, there really are no reported threats from other empires so there really is no immediate demand for big bald men. The armies produced from military (HA-HA redundant) schools are already too numerous and are now doing nothing because there is no war yet.In this happenings spring forth the over production of the reserve armies.
Mahilig ka din ba sa out-of-this-world ideas? Gusto mo din ba ng picture sa dyaryo nang hindi nawawanted? O sadyang ayaw mo lang ng filler na tulad ng ganito?
Tara na sa outcrop opis ah. Kailangan namin ng bagong mga aliens. wiiiink!
Therefore, if the military themselves are justwrecking balls, what more for the back-ups? Spying on Us Right now, Mangadurian forces are looking at different angles of why the program is still implemented despite its obvious faults in most aspects and why the humans do not notice the manipulation done upon them by these creatures. One suspected reason is that these creatures in the Philippines have finally detected Mangadurian existence in their domain and is now doing further research upon us to confirm our existence. The first people to notice and to start an investigation are the ones in the above mentioned empire. “We have noticed them spying on us ever since the program was implemented which is rather contrary to their main mission that is to spy on the beautiful and handsome active kids. But our people does not have to worry because we are constantly setting them off track that makes us sure that whatever theories they had before are now deflected.” Said EyDyent, a Mangadurian security head. No Worries Dyent assured Mangadurians
Selfie by BOB-RA PURROGON AND ELARI-O VAIAN
SA IYONG NGITI
Minamasdan kita nang hindi mo alam, habang ikaw ay nagseselfie. Mapupulang labi, maputi mong mukha na dinadaan mo pa sa filter~ (Kinanta mo noh? Aminin!) not to worry about the threat the humans impose upon us stating that the creatures are totally harmless considering that the armours these creatures use are way back off and can easily be deflected by ours. These creatures are also too busy imposing violence upon themselves to give us, Mangadurians, much
attention. Humans are totally unaware of the manipulation and spying done by the ROTC creatures upon them.Mangadurain leaders decided not to butt in the situation between these humans as it could cause unwanted attention in which Mangadurian security might be put in danger.
CBLF go loco: Precious Rude Oil’s rate increased ELARI-O VAIAN
O
n the 9th day of February 2015, thePhilippines’ information disseminator made an alerting announcement regarding the value of the most watchedover liquid, Rude Oil. The public was given a notice seven daybreaks later, confirming, that after the next sun rise, they will carry out the increase, as if it is not obvious already. However before this occurred, the distribution centre of the slippery liquid substance, called Oil, did back-rolls four-times in a row. They actually surprised the CarOil-Based Life Form (CBLF) by dumping a four-times-increase on them, leaving fellow human beings to cry in the corner. Love for Rude Oil Apparently, before this surge occurred, the said centre for Oilback-rolled four times with 30-centicredits, each with a total of 1.20 credits. It seems that back-rolls make them happy.
During this time, the research team of Manggadurians found that the CBLF seem to have gotten excited for a 1.20 php reduction. It gives the impression that these substances make them happy even if they don’t intake it but is only for their low-tech four-wheeled transportation machines. But then, when the “Oilis hiking” was announced they began to enter a stage of trance. The humanoid creatures quivered at the sight of an increase of 1.15 Pesos for gasolineand 1.50 for diesel. Generous CBLF In curiosity, the said team interviewed real life CBLF creatures, asking the reason why these creatures would react as such. The said creature answered with much irritancy, like the answer is already noticeable, “Geez, human! Where have you been all this time? You should know by now that money is everything.
Since the oil was deregulated by some law, Big Oil companies never had deficits in their profits.” The creatures also added “and because of it, those companies don’t have to hold back on the increase and we have to work harder to earn more money…” The research team investigated further and found that there is a domino-effect that supports the creature’s statement. Apparently, this law is made for the Big Oil Companies’ welfare, to make them earn more money than ever and put a lot of burden to the country’s debtdue to its continued purchase of Oil. It is then concluded that CBLF are beings who are much too kind for the environment that surrounds them. They are a peace-loving with other countries, although, ironically the internal state is not in a good shape.
Suicide trial, from page 2 of morality and unconditional materialism. Mourning the fallen life sources The sudden performance of this ritual in Baguio City coincided with the visit from the leader of another bloodthirsty religion, Pope Francis of the Cat-holics, in a small clash of religions. Appleistssilently accepted SM’s ritual while the followers of other beliefs openly and utterly condemned its cruelty. In response to this action of SM, Cat-holics along with various religious assortments commenced Operation Jericho Walk. It initiated last Saturday last February 3 at different rally points in the Bagui’o: from “The Malcolm Square”traversing“The Session Road” towards “The Post Office”. Humans who did not agree with the suicide ritual and wanted to mourn the fallen trees enlisted themselves to this trek. Fortunately, not all on Earth is lost, as there are a reasonable number who joined in respect for the TREES that were vanquished. Stark difference A life source in Manggadur would definitely scream and curse at any short-sighted creature that would dare threaten it. On Earth, however, the screaming of the TREES is silent. Manggadurian studies speculate that the humans somehow muted the suffering of TREES using a high-power remote control to ensure the extermination for the global custom.
Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
4 Hallmark
Another Galaxickness:
Earth’s Rising Shooting Star(vation) RACHUA GEM AGELL-E
A
s I was navigating my way through the chocolate lava galaxy, my iPhone 9000 galactica version rings and a hologram of my earthling friend appears. Oh, look! It’s Wall-E! It has been a while since I last talked to him and visited his home planet. Wall-E and I met when he contacted King Mangadurslavikavoch of Manggadur ‘cause he needed some help in saving Earth. “Earth misses you, Princess Megandurian. And, Spock is getting married. You should come by and rest with all your missions. Yoda is already proud of you.” He said in his robotic voice. I agreed and ended the phone call. I commanded my crew to change the route of our destination. “To where, madam captain?” asked my chief of staff. “To the one place that loved your Breakfree song, Ariana.” I answered. With that, our crew began singing her song with Zedd controlling our ship. We were now on our way to Earth. My spaceship lands on a very wide field that can be compared to Vulcan’s field of stars. But instead of constellations growing on the ground, it was corn and/or rice emerging. Unfortunately, a little chicken witnessed what just happened and told everyone about it. It became so funny because instead of him telling his people that there is an alien present in their planet, he claimed that the sky is falling. After this information was spread all throughout the world, Wall-E knew that I already arrived here in the Philippines. Earth is now full of people unlike when it was dying. Before, Earth was competing with its creatures on who’s going to die first. Apparently, Earth lost and was given the chance to live again. Earth is a whole different planet compared to Manggadur – really different. I do not get how power here on Earth encompasses food, money and other sh*t. That’s not being powerful, starlord dude! There is hierarchy and unbalance of food, well. I mean, what the f*ck. Can you actually rule other galaxies if you’re fat? Oh so much Remember when I said I couldn’t get Earth’s point of focusing on food instead of power? Yeah, well I still can’t. In my planet, King Mangadurslavikavoch may be a little bit authoritarian. He may blow up some planets and steal innumerable tesseracts to open portals but he never deprived anyone of food. Even the slaves eat motherf*cking Mangadur apples and star cakes. If food is distributed unequally, the Manggadurian responsible for the mishap will face due process and be considered a citizen terrorist. His penalty will be death and his soul will be tarnished so he will not be allowed to reincarnate. Yes, it is the cruellest thing a Manggadurian can do – to deprive someone of food. Here on Earth however, the king or the President does not care if there are hu-
mans sta rving out on the streets! Like what the hell? Did these people steal the President’s sceptre or plotted a murder against Thor? No! They are innocent humans who are hindered in munching some food. They are out on the streets asking for food. They are out under the bridges hoping for the weather to be cloudy with a chance of spaghetti and meatballs. Ugh. This disgusts me. And they call Manggadur a dictatorial planet? Pffft. Wait until other aliens see how unfair Earth is. Punishment here on Earth is oh so much if people are deprived of food. I mean, that’s slow death! Darth Vader killing children through lightsabers is already cruel. But killing innocent people – whether adults, teenagers or children – through starvation? It would take years but the pain becomes more and more brutal. To describe it as a cruel deed would be an understatement. Say what now? Did I also tell you how irregular human bodies are? I mean, the people who are hungry are so thin that you can tell how many bones they have. The people who are so rich are so fat that they can be bouncing balls used for leisure. The funny part is that, the people who are rich spend little of their money to buy their food but still they get very very big because of the numerous food they munch in. While the poor people living in the streets spend majority of their money to buy themselves some food, they still look like sticks ready to be used as swords. I do not get this planet. You tell me, big boy Because I was so outraged with what is happening on the planet we once saved, I approached the smartest Vulcan who resides here on Earth – Spock. I told him each of my concerns as I compared Earth to Manggadur. Spock told me that the reason for the unequal distribution on Earth specifically in the Philippines is because of the typhoons that are very much of a calamity in the country. A study shows that when typhoon Yolanda left the country, it made food security hard to achieve because the government system went down for a while and crops were hard to grow. The roads were destroyed which made places that were hit difficult to be accessed. I told Spock about the volcanic eruption which occurred in Manggadur. It was the most destructive calamity our plan-
et had to face and millions of Manggadurians died. But still, food was still prominent because even though there were places that became inaccessible, Manggadur police officers weren’t afraid of walking for how many hours just for food to be delivered to their fellow planeteers. Spock also told me the chronic disease of the Philippines’ government system – corruption. What?! Corruption? I thought to myself. If not food, money?! I know money is something that can give you power but that’s stealing from your own home! In Manggadur, no corruption has ever been committed because it is said to be the greediest thing a creature could do. But here, it is done and it is being taken for granted. All the hungry people living in the slums, all the fat humans living in mansions – they do not deserve the kind of life they are living if they became poor because they were cheated on; if they became rich if they stole money and food. So much for travelling a thousand light years just to get to the cruellest planet in the universe. If this is what Earth gets after being saved, then she is in for another kind of planetarial cancer. And I don’t think anyone one of us could ever save her again if all of her creatures are dying slowly, hungrily.
Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
Folkways 5
Can we not?
G
Superior beings find themselves lost for words sometimes. - Groot, as translated by Rocket Raccoon
reetings of peace my dear earthly living things! I am very sorry for this is the only language I learned especially to my favorite earthly creature, those who were called cats. Sorry and you condescending-looking piece of fur will always be my beloved living things (although you can’t understand this words, sh*t). This is a letter of concern. I was informed by the earthly knowledge bank you humans called google that you are planning to explore Mars with your own two-legged bodies. And as someone who lived in that planet for a while, here’s my suggestion: DON’T! Why? I must tell you this (but I’m pretty sure you ain’tgonna believe it). There are thousands of living entities there. They even have a name for themselves, Bae. Yes, the name sounds familiar. They are living peacefully. Young Baes are being taught by the old wise Baes for free. It’s like schooling here in your planet but yours are in exchange of money. They sell things not for a large return or profit but just enough to live. They’re inventions are pretty awesome. They invented a form of trans-
portation which produces energy rather than consume a lot of it. It’s out of my comprehension! And the best part is, it’s free! I even have one myself. The point is, they hide themselves from your silly robot because they hate you.I mean, you really believed that no one lives in Mars because your robot only sees rocks? Your robot (if you can call that a robot, duh?) is just wandering in their rocky desert where no one comes.And it means that they don’t want you there because your lifestyle is the opposite of theirs. Another thing is, you are sending some of your co-earthly humans in Mars but not fetch them later. They will only be a burden to the Baes. They might just corrupt the planet or pollute it. So my dear earthly living things, don’t do it. Please. It’s better to send your cats there, they will appreciate it. PS: I don’t like that Miley Cyrus, eliminate her. It would make your planet less dirty. Thank you. Just a concerned traveler, Drax Pebbles
The Cue and A lotion SHOP INVADERS
Visual craft by BOB-RA PURRUGON
1. WHAT IS THE ESSENCE OF BEING HUMAN? Crazy little thing called breathing exercise. -Tzaelle Runna Pizzas, chocolates, movies and selfies. -Leia Hazze VAGINA -Flordeen Onon Penor Christina Perri -Ellazmin Pas-El Water and no other components. -Elari-O Vaian That thing called “Puso” -Cayna Baidlin The eternal tendency to stupidity -Azela Den-O They think, apparently -Legen Viente 2. SINO DAPAT ANG MAGING SUPREME LEADER NG EARTH? Lucky me Supreme, wala lang, may Supreme kasi. -Tzaelle Runna Like parang si Uncle Sam para party in the USA -Leia Hazze Tae sa daan para kinatatakutan at iniiwasan. -Flordeen Onon Penor Mga uod sa gitna ng kalsada, kasi matatapang sila. -Ellazmin Pas-El Cats, because they are majestic.-Cayna Baidlin It…doesn’t matter. -Elari-O Vaian YoyoyVillame. He’s not dead, just hiding. Probably writing his new hit single - Legen Viente 3. PAANO MASOSOLUSYUNAN ANG TATLONG BATAYANG PROBLEMA NG PILIPINAS? System Reconstruction -Elari-O Vaian Annihilate all 1% humans para matapos ang problema. -Flordeen Onon Penor Patugtugin ang “You don’t know me” ni Kathryn Bernardo -Leia Hazze Kantahinang national anthem, “Thinking out loud” -Ellazmin Pas-El Tanggalin ang sperm at egg cells ng mga 1% class para di sila dumami -Tzaelle Runna Follow YoyoyVillame and kill Miley Cyrus -Legen Viente
Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
6 By the way
Something that we used to know K
nock knock, Gotye. Gotye believe in magic tell me how two aliens find each other, in a planet full of foreigners. If you didn’t get the joke, we will kill you earthlings, literally kill you. Now laugh. Earthlings,Your home, “earth” is a really wonderful planet to study. Every single day of observing never fails to give us more wonder. Full of inhaling and exhaling creatures, full of large green humps, full of melted crystals with different shades of blue that shine brightly when hit by Mr. Sun. Yes, full of wonders and full of, what’s the word again? Oh, crap. We, the Manggadurians, have been hovering around the Milky Way for a long time now—a galaxy where your pluhnet belongs to. We aim to do an investigation in every circular things floating in the galaxy and we enjoyed doing it in your planet. Of course, our planet, Manggardur, is far more fascinating than yours. Our ancestors have helped your kind build those precisely made pyramids, the undeniably impeccable creatures who don’t in any way resemble watersacs on those carvings inside caves and on wallswere no other than our kind. The reason why you still cannot connect the dots on your history is because our existence kept on boggling your mind up until now. To finally cut that worm-like gross thing, yes, all of these are true and to give you more comfort, we never fail to visit you from time to time. Your history is more familiar to us than to you. We leave tracks to give you some mementos of us to keep on reminding you that you are not alone,
that every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, we are here watching you. But unlike your usual notion of us, we are way more beautiful than your icky drawings of us. You mucky watersacs. The thing is, it has come to our attention how what used to be unusual and considered as terribly not-for-human actions have suddenly lost its sense when every figure in this oblate spheroid planet gave no more importance to it. You have been used to being used-to everything that nothing seems to surprise you anymore, nothing can cause you to move, to speak out for what is really more important. You seemed to be more concerned with a bitten fruit called “apple” and its releases the next month or so. The craving for power and fame has led to the vanity of what you call as leaders. Selfies with irrelevant hashtags everywhere with their ridiculous names. Enjoying their comfortable seats, enjoying well-ventilated homes while others lie on concrete gray beds, with no food for their intestines to grind, also without the assurance that they will be inhaling and exhaling the earth’s filthy air again the next day. This vanity and conceitedness has spread like a plague, everyone just capturing selfies, taking pictures and videos of food, which we heard was also called as food pornography, just taking images of immoral acts and crimes instead of actually acting upon it. This narcissismalso comes with the side-effect of seeing everyone doing hideous body movements to all songs that are all about that bass, and how those
lips are movin’ because they’re all so fancy. Priority have seemed to be removed from your book of definitions. Just look at your leader attending a party for fourwheeled creatures, not a party for hu-
“
Most humans have become pathetically apathetic—coming from absolutely gorgeous aliens, this should come as a great insult to you.
mans, instead of waiting for the arrival of the brave watersacs who saved his posterior, together with their weepingfamilies. Talk about knowing which is more significant and needs more concern. Likewise, those large green humps which gives us deep melodramatic feels and thatmiraculously grow reallyenormous, what you call that, oh, broccoflowers! These are flattened in order to give way for all of your earthly desires. Watersacs forgot that these have been caring for them for a long time now. All that mattered was the continuous yearning to achieve a flawless oblate spheroid planet which means having to eradicate those that hinder them from doing so. At the moment, you seem to have detached yourselves from your own sphere and it makes our antennae dosome wiggling from all of it. The earth has suddenly revolved and rotated on the axis of having more colorful rectangular papers, fame and prestige than giving more worth to other watersacs’ organs. t You now care less of the things that really has an effect on your species. Just think about the cliché saying “No earthling is a landmass”. Now, we are very much terrified of what this actions of yours will result to. It is impossible for us to simply land our perfect tentacles on your planet for it will cause more ruckus and attract a lot of eyes with dilated pupils when what needs more attention is the continuous burying of what we used to know your planet to be—a real home for your kind.
PLAN.ET. FIRST The Official Newsletter of Galactic Adventures and Space-related Stuff Galactic Adventures Head Azela Den-O Galactic Adventures Mini-head Legen Viente Hearsay Editor Tzaelle Runna Folkways Editor Ellazmin Pas-El Visuals Editor Leia Haz-E Manggadurian Contributors Flordeen Orion Penor, Elari-O Vaian Rachua Gem Agell-E, Telacsa Brom, Rudoel Starrizon, Cayna Baidlin, Bob-Ra Purrogon Member of Crashing Earth Gearing towards Pluto (CEGP) and Solid Saturn of Dad
Plan.et. First Beam me up beore you go go
Folkways 7
To boldly be what no human can ever be TELACSA BROM
W
hen I was offered to study the famous Humans of Earth firsthand, I was truly honored to document the lives of an entire, foreign race! I thought it would be one of the best experiences of my short life of ten thousand human years. It turned out more differently than I expected. Not that the humans sucked. They’re all interesting, emotional, and deliciously complicated, but there have been several times in my educational pursuits when I was totally confused about their behavior! Collectively, they make sense. But once they are grouped separately, things get a bit… crazy. The rich, who get all the resources, have power over the rest of the population. The masses, who get comparatively little, are manipulated for the happiness of the rich. This manipulation comes in the form of a god, which the rich worship and the masses support. This imagined god has been called PROFIT, BEAUTY, or SUCCESS. It asks only one thing of people- to consume. Majority of Earth’s population believes that consuming commodities not only leads to utopian futures, but also provides long-lasting youth and eternal happiness. The pillar of this religion is selfishness, which will definitely be the end of humans, but a short term needs to be coined. I hereby refer to this religion as Appleism (based on
the worshipped brand of low-tech devices called Apple). Appleists seem to believe that the more commodities humans consume, the better their lives will be. The preachers of this religion spread their beliefs through television programs called commercials or advertisements, which make use of fallacious reasoning to promote various commodities. Yes, we see
“
The people of this planet all seem to have tunnel vision pointing towards one thing: to be perfect. To be as juicy and as eyecatching as an apple.
a silky long-haired woman holding up a magical hair potion, but that doesn’t mean that the woman used the potion prior to the commercial! We see a bunch of athletes winning sports under a green banner, but are these athletes truly drinking the chocolate drink that the commercial promotes? Aside from these commercials, there is the bible of Appleism. In this bible, ideal human idols are featured, eradicating reality and dictating the way human beings should look, speak, and act. Humans, being naïve creatures, base their whole perception of reality on this bible, known as the Media. According to the Media, the female idol which must be imitated is one of slender proportions, fair complexion, and large breasts and rear end. The male idol which must be imitated is one of tall stature, dark complexion, and handsome features. There is even more praise when these idols have expensive soft armor and costly possessions. Honestly, though, compared to Princess Leia, these phonies only look like pseudo-ethereal beings. My observations also reveal that, in order to imitate these pseudo-ethereal beings portrayed in the Media, humans offer incentives, or money, to different Appleist temples for extreme operations. Women are given SECOND SKIN to cover their faces with, which proves to magically
improve their facial features!! Men perform extreme, physically exhausting acts in certain Appleist temples called gyms, to induce EXAGGERATED SWELLING in their bodies!! These undeniably gross Appleist temples also offer NEEDLE TREATMENTS, which supposedly make blemishes fade and eventually disappear from a human’s face, WIRE TREATMENTS, which wrap wires around humans’ teeth to bend the teeth into the required structure, and TUBE TREATMENTS, which make use of flesh-eating tubes to suck away excess fat from a human’s body. See, how does any of that make logical sense? Last time I checked, wealth isn’t capable of prolonging life, beauty isn’t capable of feeding the hungry, and success absolutely does not guarantee that your worth is more than another human’s! The people of this planet all seem to have tunnel vision pointing towards one thing: to be perfect. To be as juicy and as eye-catching as an apple. Clearly, compared to our advanced race, these humans have a long way to go. Once they get to our level, however, their chaotic and contradicting natures will probably be the cause of their own end. And when that time comes, screw this research; I’m outta here! Beam me up, Scotty!
Love under the microscope ELARI-O VIAN AND LEIA HAZ-E Valan: Ugh! Thank the mother ship! That’s over!
they engage in saliva-exchanging activities?
Rezle: It was never over, and it will never be. In the little time of observation over these watersacs, humans in their language, and the emotions they all possess called love, I arrived at a conclusion: what they have shown this past month, February, will continue in the count of infinity. From what they have spoken for too much, may forever.
Rezle: You mean lip-locking? I believe it’s an unusual way of sharing bodily fluids and earthling matter to contribute to the fullness of one another.
Valan: These humanoid water-sacs don’t actually have the luxury to have this. You see Rezle, even in the country’s anthem “Thinking Out Loud”, it was stated by the Ed-guy that he will only love the person until seventy, and seventy is no where near forever. February? The month of the so-called ‘human skinship’. It is basically the time where they spread the microbes called “love”, but with concentration to a specific places they call malls, parks and restaurants. It is also said that in it in this event that human emotions are so heightened that it is enough for them to produce a considerable amount of electricity, sparks as they call it. It is quite commendable how these watersacs don’t get electrocuted, considering the sensitivity of their bodies and the amount of water in it. Did you know that
Valan: ‘Contributing to fullness’ you say… How does those act make them anymore full when their body is already full of red fluids? Honestly, I think the pursuit of knowledge, or of adventure, are much more fulfilling than that unnecessary act. Even their gifts, I deem unnecessary. I mean, how could a half dead plant, a helium-induced oval and the brownish cubes, called chocolates even be useful in their everyday lives? I mean if they want to please the other, why not just give them something beneficial like toothpaste instead of plastic balloons, veggetables instead of flowers and… Chocolates are a tasty exemption though. Rezle: If my findings are correct, chocolates, balloons, and flowers are ways to emit their love rays – similar to Gamma and Beta, but is far more powerful and difficult to comprehend. It makes their faces distort and smile and their eyes dilate. It makes the central organ, the heart as they call it, pump faster, efficiently circulating
more blood in their system. Valan: First of all, Rezle, if you want the heart to pump faster, why not just be in an adrenaline-filled situation. Like, running away from a vicious animal, cramming a paper for a subject, or being called for
“
I arrived at a conclusion: what they have shown this past month will continue in the count of infinity. From what they have spoken for too much, may forever
recitation, without being prepared for it. Secondly, the so-called ‘love rays’ are not what causes their lips to lift upward and make their eyes dilated. These beings have a control center called brain. The brain decides what happens to the rest of the body. Not the heart. But can it be? That the brain functions with some kind of system that drives watersacs to spread and multiply? That beyond these actions we are yet to rationalize is a primordial necessity to populate their planet and ensure their territory? It might be the reason why they act like that! This could be the reason why they interlock eyes, lips, and any other… umm… actions in places! I better take note of this… Rezle: We are still not certain that the heart is not the central unit. I have taken note that the heart has switches, buttons, and levers for every human function; from the size of their eyes to the altered tone of speaking and moving and to how their mind functions. Valan, I think that the best way to clarify our theories is to experience it firsthand. Let’s find love and be the judge ourselves if it is as dim-witted as you say.
Plan.et. First Beam me up before you go go
Folkways
You should’ve listened to Yoyoy Villame Lessons to ponder regarding festivals from a great man
LEGEN VIENTE
P
ong choyla, chichidikongkoyla. Butsekikekek eek. Bobochingchang, chichidikong tong nang. Butsekikekek eek.” This is a line from YoyoyVillame’s beautiful song Butsekik. And yes, I know it because it is the native language of the planet Mangadur. And Yoyoy studied our lifestyle, the Mangadurian way of living. What the line means in your language is, “Don’t pick the flowers. Assh*le. Again, don’t do that. Assh*le.” And I think this is one of the best lines to describe what you humans call Panagbenga Festival. Stop, it hurts! This is the 20th year of the Panagbenga festival, in local, earth times. For me, I only see 20 years of massacre of flowers in this planet, particularly in this archipelago called Philippines. Of course aside from the other “special dates” that humans kill flowers. Yes, flowers are beautiful. Especially when it is the blooming season. I also think that way. I love the flowers in my home planet, Mangadur. But why kill them? I think you humans want to say that if some things are beautiful, we should have a celebration for them by killing them and have a parade with the dead as decorations. And those who will attend the ‘festival’ will buy t-shirts that basically say, “we just saw a parade of dead flowers and it’s fun.” What the hell? It’s not cool bro. When Mangadurians pick flowers in our planet, the sentence is death. Well, we don’t kill those who did. The flowers will kill them, eat them actually. Yes, our flowers are both
gorgeous and dangerous. So we don’t pick them. Flowers in our planet are both loved and feared. For example, one of my best friends tried to give a flower to his significant other (aside from his girlfriend). Long story short, he failed. He failed so hard that he is no longer with us. And Yoyoy knew that. Also, the parade of the humans’ Panagbenga festival showcases the culture of a region in the archipelago, supposedly. It shows the traditional dances and attires of its people, I guess. But if it really these dances and attires are really traditional, it should have a special purpose and are sacred. In Mangadur, traditions are very sacred. One should not use or even touch the PiliktikpokplokPupoloklok (our sacred bell) when it’s nobody’s birthday. Well, it sounds so good. But if someone misuses it, the sentence is death by flowers. You will be food for the flowers. A beautiful yet very horrific death. My cousin used the PiliktikpokplokPupoloklok because he thought that it’s his brother’s birthday that day. He was wrong, very wrong. And Yoyoy knew that. Flower business As Yoyoy’s song says, “Chidiwongwongchoy, chodokongkongloy” which can be translated as “Why, why are you doing that?” My Mangadurian sense tells me that something’s not right. The reason of this festival is something else. I think humans, or those they appoint as their leaders, do not define festival as a celebration but a season were merchants in Philippines-Earth will have very high profit. They will be richer. They just make reasons for other humans to come to their place and buy a lot of things. And most humans fell for it. I don’t want to buy a shirt saying “yearly flower
massacre celebration” or “cultural identity misused.” And I don’t go to festivals to buy a souvenir or an item which is not connected to the celebration. During Mangadurian festivals, we are just partying all night (one night in Mangdur is equivalent to one week in Earth) and avoid picking flowers (because you know why). And Yoyoy knew that. So don’t mix pleasure with business, as you humans would say. It’s not fun, not fun at all. It just produces confusion especially for us who likes to visit other planets and learn their ways of living. I think it’s time for you humans to rethink the orientation of their festivals. You should visit our planet Mangadur in the future. Our Pong Choyla festival (Flower festival) is coming up soon and I think it is the best time for humans to visit our planet. You will learn the Mangadurianstyle of partying. Celebration is to celebrate something special, not a bazaar. And when you seeour flowers, you wouldn’t dare touch any flowers again or misuse any traditional heritage. And so, I would like to end this article by borrowing a line from the song of the good old man YoyoyVillame which the language he used was borrowed from the Mangadurians, “Chiding chon yakangkongwoop. Butsikikekek eek.”It’s an old saying in Mangadur which means, “We don’t kill the greedy, flowers do. Assh*le”