Volume 1, Issue 13 - June 4, 2014

JUNE 4-17 2014 VOL. 01 ISSUE 13 URBANITENEWS.COM

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What the truck?

P.06

Is the City keeping Windsor from the food truck bandwagon?

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P.11

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P.16

Summer Jello festival guide Biafra (HUGE)

The best fests in Windsor and area

Talks Windsor, politics & music

scan with

PIRUZZA WINDSOR WEST

@teresapiruzza

fb.me/votepiruzza

 Building a new Hospital  Working to keep Chrysler here  High-Speed Rail to Toronto

info@votepiruzza.ca

…featured on back cover.

Authorized by the CFO for the Windsor West PLA

Teresa

VIEWS DECLINE YOUR VOTE I’ve seen a couple things about #declineyourvote starting to come up in such publications as The Urbanite and even on TVO’s The Agenda blog. There’s a small problem with this, though … it’s a load of crap.

I suspect that most of the people who are reading this do vote, and the ones who don’t vote aren’t doing it out of laziness or true apathy. But if that describes you, get your ass off the couch on June 12 and go vote for somebody.

The vast majority of you who don’t vote aren’t lazy or truly apathetic: you actually care a great deal about how you are governed and you view the system as broken, possibly beyond repair. You despise the palate of choices put before you, and I don’t blame you for that.

The problem with [declining your vote] is ... they don’t [record it]. Or at least I’ve heard that they don’t from a couple people who actually work the polls on election day. They are supposed to but usually nobody trains them to, and rarely is it actually recorded.

Even worse, nobody cares even if you do [decline your vote]; the politicians certainly don’t.

The only thing a politician needs to fear is a voter who is voting for somebody else.

When you decline your right to vote, or tell a politician you’re not voting, all you’re really telling them is to worry about somebody else, because you’re not a threat. Declining your

THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 2

right to vote is just the opportunity to feel smug and self-satisfied about disengaging from a system that needs your engagement to function properly.

So, if not voting doesn’t help, what do you do? Well obviously you have to park your vote somewhere, and I absolutely feel your pain with regards to the choices available. If none of the main parties speak to you, look at the fringe parties; they’re an excellent place to park your vote while you look for something better.

Then, you pick the party you hate the least. Then you join that party. You give them money, and become a member.

These parties all have local groups called riding associations where most of the important decisions get made. Most importantly, the riding association is responsible for choosing a candidate (usually; there are exceptions but we’ll leave those be). These votes are usually small; you and 10 like-minded friends can be critical in choosing a party candidate.

For the sake of all that is holy, stop declining your vote and get out there. Do some work to create the kind of candidates, platforms and parties you will feel excited about supporting.

Don’t give up, don’t give in, and most important of all, don’t disengage, because while it may be a lot of work, democracy requires your engagement to function properly.

— DYLAN ZIMMERMAN

Publisher/Editor: Natasha Marar (natasha@urbanitenews.com) Managing Editor: Jon Liedtke (jon@urbanitenews.com) Art Director: Stephen Hargreaves Contributors: Loren Mastracci, Rino Bortolin, Paul Synnott, Don Merrifield Jr., Jamie Greer, Stephen Hargreaves, Amanada Sinasac, Sean Previl, Dan Savage, Adam D’Andrea

Inquiries and sales: 226-674-0140 Information: info@urbanitenews.com News tips: tips@urbanitenews.com Letters: letters@urbanitenews.com

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NEWS

THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 3

Voting for Dummies

The ease of voting and the ‘dirty little secret of Elections Ontario’ JON LIEDTKE So you think you can vote?

With a looming provincial election scheduled for June 12, the time has come again for empowered citizens to promptly ignore their civic duty.

In 2011, a dismal 49.2 per cent of eligible Ontarians casted a ballot, down from 52.8 per cent in 2007, and it appears as if this downward trend will continue this election.

Following the 2007 and 2011 provincial elections, which saw the governing Liberals hold a majority then slip into a minority, respectively, under then premier Dalton McGuinty, Ontario’s daily newspapers published multiple pieces questioning the lower turnout and how it could be combated.

Four years have passed since Ontarians last went to the polls and if citizens even bother showing up, they’re likely faced with much of the same as before.

Premier Kathleen Wynne presides over an emboldened Liberal caucus seeking to retain positions in power and are promising the world to accomplish this feat. Seeking power, NDP leader Andrea Horwath forced the election by refusing to support a progressive budget and shifted her sights to the right wing of the progressive spectrum, while it’s been revealed that Tim Hudak sought advice for his platform from the American right.

The Green Party is on a dangerous track to becoming one of the most relevant of the political parties with a common sense platform advocating for a single school board and the elimination of the Beer Store monopoly. While it’s unlikely we’ll see a green hue at Queen’s Park anytime soon, the party seems poised to potentially elect their first representative.

But whether it’s Horwath’s pledge to create a cabinet position to cut the budget, Hudak’s strategy to eliminate 100,000 jobs in order to create a million — or about 300,000 depending on how you do the math — or Wynne’s endless list of commitments such as high speed rail linkages, the standard political messaging doesn’t appear to be resonating with citizens.

Paul Synnott, a local political activist — and overall thorn-in-the-side to multiple administrations at various levels of government — launched declineyourvote.ca to inform Ontarians of their ability to effectively cast a vote for ‘none of the above.’

“It’s an education campaign, not a political campaign in the traditional sense,” said Synnott, who made clear that he wasn’t advocating that people don’t’ vote for a certain party. “If you’re comfortable voting Liberal, NDP, Green, PC, whatever the case may be, that’s fine, but my sense was leading up to this election, a lot of people were not just undecided but … they don’t know who to vote for.”

Synnott refers to declining to vote as the “dirty little secret of politicians and Elections Ontario” because it’s not widely advertised. In fact, finding any information about declining your ballot on the Election’s Ontario website is quite difficult; it appears as if the only mention of this valid option is buried in the Ontario Elections Act itself.

Ontario Elections Act: DECLINED BALLOT 53. An elector who has received a ballot and returns it to the deputy returning officer declining to vote, forfeits the right to vote and the deputy returning officer shall immediately write the word “declined” upon the back of the ballot and preserve it to be returned to the returning officer and shall cause an entry to be made in the poll record that the elector declined to vote.

R.S.O. 1990, c. E.6, s. 53.

Declining your vote is recorded differently than a spoiled ballot which includes mistakes made to ballots and other errors which render a ballot ineligible.

“Declining your vote was put in the legislation in 1975 as a specific option. You go in, you register to vote as you normally would, you get your ballot from the deputy returning officer, you hand it right back to them as say ‘I decline my vote,’” explained Synnott. “What they must do at that point is write ‘declined’ on the back of the ballot and then they have to log that vote as declined. It’s separately accounted for.”

While Elections Ontario doesn’t inform voters of their option to decline their ballot, they do widely publicize the different ways that electors are able to cast a ballot.

Vote by mail: If you’re away from home during the election but hoping to vote, you can apply for a Special Ballot to vote by mail.

Campus voting: Students need not worry that classes get in the way of casting a ballot for Elections Ontario operates polling stations on campuses for students

who bring a piece of ID with their name and address proving they can vote in that electoral district.

Hospital voting: Elections Ontario visits short-term care hospitals to allow patients the opportunity to vote. Information and voting days are posted at those facilities.

Accessible polls: All polls are stocked with magnifiers, braille and those in need can book a sign language interpreter to be with voters.

Advance polls: While the early bird catches the worm, the early voter rests easier knowing they did their civic duty as early as possible. Advance polls are opened for seven days, May 31 to June 6.

Q The City of Windsor has allocated upwards of $80,000 to combat skunks in our neighbourhoods. Do you think the City of Windsor should continue its trap and kill skunk program for another year?

Rino Bortolin The skunk program is up for renewal and we are still awaiting a report outlining its effectiveness. While I find no issue with the original program, we need to assess the effectiveness of the program before considering renewal. The merits of the program also have to be assessed in financial terms.

In the last year, 48 skunks have been trapped and killed. What has the overall cost of the program been and what resources have been applied to the program to come to the result of 48 skunks being killed? Is this something that the city should be committing resources to? Do we know what happens once the skunk has been killed? Do more skunks just come in and take their place? These are all things that need to be considered before assessing its merits and whether we continue to apply city resources to such a questionable practice.

If the population of skunks is declining because of the program and the amount of calls to 311 has dropped dramatically then I would be in favour of reviewing the proposal for renewal. But without hard evidence showing such results I think the program is

Rino Bortolin

Rose City Politics:

»Should the City continue culling skunks? both costly and something that should be undertaken by the individual home owner.

We should not be devoting any city resources to a program that the individual homeowner can request and hire an outside contractor to do. We all know it’s a lot cheaper to skip the bureaucratic red tape.

What has it cost us to kill 48 skunks? What’s the cost per skunk? Once we have those numbers we can truly see how effective the program is or whether it’s just another waste of city resources and manpower.

Don Merrifield Jr. Too kill or not to kill? that’s not the question.

The question is, do residents want to live in peace in their homes and enjoy the lovely smells of spring summer and fall?

As a resident of downtown I have for many years, until last, had to deal with the ever increasing populations of skunks cruising the streets likes gangs of striped furry punks ready to unleash a pungent attack if you look at them the wrong way. It was so bad I couldn’t spend evenings in the yard or on the porch without an unwelcome smelly guest crashing the party.

Contrary to popular belief, myself and my neighbours keep our garbage in containers and do what we can to discourage their visits. My girlfriend at the time even had

Husband, father (of three), chef/co-owner Rino’s Kitchen & Ale House. Rino Bortolin is a passionate advocate for all things local especially local food. Bortolin’s community activism focuses on local municipal issues, having run for city council in 2010. He’s contributed on many local campaigns at all three levels of government.

lengthy conversations with the skunks as they would wander up the walk to come see how our night was going.

Since the implementation of the skunk removal program, the population has all but disappeared and my neighbours and I are now able to enjoy our homes again.

I like furry cute animals as much as the next person. I wish we could live together, hold hands (or paws), and teach the world to sing.

But this is a quality of life issue for residents and we kill many different animals in the city.

I don’t see a lot of “Save the Rats” campaigns, or “Let’s Reintroduce the Essex County Cougar” fundraisers (I’d write a cheque for that one!).

If a few striped stinkers have to meet their maker so I can enjoy the sweet aroma of my cigar on the porch on a lovely summer evening, sorry Pepe, tuck and roll, we’re coming for ya.

Paul Synnott Absolutely. The program was instituted last year as a trial. From all indications so far it’s been a huge success.

On the surface it’s presented as a trap and kill program but it also contains an education component. City staff attends houses

Don Merrifield Jr. Fourteen years as a Windsor realtor, musician, father of one son Miles, politics-run financially conservative yet socially liberal. Merrifield Jr. was a candidate in last municipal election in Ward 3 for city councillor, a cigar aficionado, motorcycle enthusiast and lover of travel.

requesting the service and educate them on proper garbage storage and how to rid their gardens and lawns of grubs, two of the biggest things that attract skunks.

One year is simply not long enough to determine the effectiveness of the program.

Beginning this July, the City of Windsor is transitioning to mandatory hard sided garbage containers with lids. While this will remove a large food source for skunks, it will take time to ensure compliance across the entire city and at this time it’s unknown what effect this will have on our skunk population. Where will they go for their food if garbage is removed?

Contrary to how some have portrayed this, it’s not high noon in Windsor with a bounty on every skunk’s hide. This is a reasonable program in response to a need of residents.

On the cynical side, I’ll be shocked if council decides not to renew the program. It is an election year and they’re counting on those who hate skunks to vote more than those who want to save them.

Catch the Rose City Politics crew in every issue of The Urbanite. Have a question?

Tweet us @urbanitenews or email info@ urbanitenews.com. You can also listen to Rose City Politics Wednesday’s at 8 p.m. on CJAM 99.1 FM.

Paul Synnott

Paul Synnott is a committed small ‘c’ conservative with libertarian influences, community activist and co-host of Rose City Politics. He has worked on many federal, provincial and municipal campaign in various aspects including campaign management. No dogs, cats or kids, his passion is politics and the City of Windsor.

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THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 6

Food truck boom drives by Windsor Tight regulations and competitive fear challenges vendors NATASHA MARAR It’s a common scene in Ontario’s urban centres: diners lining the streets for a quick, cheap meal from curbside food trucks. In Windsor, these mobile vendors exist mainly at festivals or private events, and some operators are saying restrictive city bylaws are to blame for the lack of local eats on the streets.

Billy Deslippe, owner of Smashed Apple Catering & Food Truck, moves his mobile food trailer between two public parks in Amherstburg and to private events and festivals serving up casual, gourmet comfort foods such as deep fried macaroni balls, fish tacos and braised pork belly grilled cheese.

“I believe in making good quality food from scratch. We’re just starting to take off in Amherstburg,” said Deslippe, who started the business two years ago. “Last year we had four or five bookings (for private events and festivals) throughout the summer and this year we are booked every weekend.”

“I moved here from out west and trying to make a living here I couldn’t survive. I couldn’t afford to get into a restaurant, so I got into a food truck,” said Deslippe. He pegs his start up costs between $80,000-$100,000 for his truck and food trailer.

Deslippe, the only food truck operator in town, successfully lobbied council to amend its bylaws to allow him to park a few hours

per day in the parks. He pays an annual licensing fee of $132 for his vehicle.

When asked about his interest in selling food in Windsor, Deslippe remarked, “Absolutely, I’d actually consider moving up there.”

Like Deslippe, John Neill also wants to bring his truck to Windsor but says regulations are a turn off. Across the county in Kingsville, he operates Blackjack Gastrovan. It opened in June 2013 as a partnership between Smokin Aces Mobile BBQ and Jack’s Gastropub.

Neill parks three days a week at the corner of Main and Wigle streets on a private parking lot and offers catering typically on weekends.

“We’re out probably five to six day a week at this point,” said Neill, who plans on expanding to locations in Leamington, Lasalle and Amherstburg.

Neill pointed to Ouellette Avenue, when it closes down for evening patios in the summer, and the Windsor’s riverfront downtown as prime areas to set up shop. He’s surprised a greater food truck culture doesn’t exist in Windsor-Essex, especially considering the thriving scene in Detroit.

“You would have thought if the food truck movement was going to start anywhere in Ontario, it would have started closer to the border where food trucks have been established. … I have an interest in it and

that’s why we are pursuing the area. I’m hoping with people like us and with Billy from Smashed Apple that maybe they will start a movement.”

Elsewhere in Ontario Mobile food vendors are lining the streets in most urban centres. The Ontario Food Trucks Association estimates that there are 120 gourmet food trucks in the province.

Association co-founder Sid Friedman said the biggest concentrations of food trucks are in Toronto, Hamilton and Ottawa.

Hamilton’s food truck scene has boomed in recent years, resulting in direct economic impact. A survey by the Ottawa Street Business Improvement Area shows 30,000 people spent $804,500 during the Sew Hungry food truck rally event in 2013.

Even smaller cities have food trucks. Burlington is hosting Curb Your Appetite event with 15 vehicles this month, and Thunder Bay has four food trucks known to operate in the city centre with live music during lunchtime.

But establishing food trucks across Ontario hasn’t been an easy feat. Until 2013, Toronto food trucks could only operate in private parking lots and at events. Now, a new bylaw allows carts and trucks in most of the city.

Recently, many food vendors in the Kitchener-Waterloo operator travelled to Hamilton due to more affordable licensing fees.

Friedman said many vendors were not going to renew their license following Waterloo’s one-year food truck pilot project because of the high costs, leading the city this spring to reduce the annual fees from $2,215 to $329.

Meanwhile closer to home, the City of London just shot down a pilot project that would have seen the creation of a food truck bylaw.

“It’s a lot of fear and misinformation about food trucks,” said Friedman. “It’s interesting that the biggest push back is from sit down restaurants that serve alcohol. They’re really not the target because most people are not going to head out for a sit down dining experience and decide to eat on the street.

Typically, it will be impacting drive thru traffic and we’ve had zero pushback from the fast food chains.”

Not in our BIA In many Ontario cities, the cost of licensing a food truck has been upwards of $2,000, as the case until recently in Waterloo. Fees across the GTA includes a first-year vehicle fee of $1,030.25 in Toronto, $690.01 for renewals, and $311 for all food refreshment vehicles in Mississauga. Windsor’s annual fee per vehicle is just $148, so where are all the food trucks?

Technically, Windsor has them. According to Craig Robertson, a licensing commissioner for the City of Windsor, there are 23 licensed motorized food trucks from 11 companies.

Last year there were 30 vehicles, 38 in 2012 and 33 in 2011.

“People come in all the time and they want to apply to operate in the BIAs and we don’t permit it; all BIAs are prohibited areas,” said Robertson, adding that in his 11 years working in licensing, vendors haven’t challenged the rules.

Local trucks include Dino’s Catering, Fox on the Run, Dairy Treats, Gee-Off Mobile Cafe, Ruby Smooth, Lee’s Hot Stuff, Metro Enterprises, Roberta’s Catering and The Baconman.

Larry Horwitz, president of the Downtown Windsor Business Improvement Association, agrees that there’s been little dialogue from established and hopeful food truck operators wanting to sell in the BIAs.

Despite the numbers, most trucks don’t offer curbside service and are only present during festivals or private catered events due to policies restricting where they can operate in the city.

“I think that [food trucks] are acceptable under certain conditions and certain locations,” said Horwitz. “In the downtown and different BIAs I think it’s hard to find a location that doesn’t interfere with traffic, that doesn’t interfere with pedestrian flow. I think if the right location was brought forward to council, and it didn’t compete against the business very close by, it could be looked at favourably.”

Unlike Kingsville and Amherstburg, Windsor has very detailed — six pages, in fact — rules regarding mobile food vendors under the city’s business licensing bylaw.

Food trucks and mobile carts are restricted from operating in a number of locations in Windsor: all business improvement areas, residential areas, in or near public parks and community centres or within 30 metres of other restaurants or residences, to name a few. Some vehicles can sell in protected areas if they seek approval from various city departments or operate on private property.

Robertson explained the rationale of the bylaw prohibiting food truck operations in BIAs. “It’s to protect the downtown businesses and to promote restaurants in the downtown area. … We do have the (three) hot dog guys that are down there; they enter into an agreement they are kind of grandfathered into the bylaw.”

Neill said the discussion over competition between mobile vendors and bricks-andmortar restaurants has occurred in just about every city. “We’ve actually worked with the restaurant association in Kingsville … we’re certainly not competing against each other.”

“If [customers] stopped at a food truck they already had plans to do so. … if anything, food trucks bring more foot traffic into your area. I would rather see food trucks work in partnership with the restaurants instead of in competition, and it can be done very easily I think.”

Horwitz is optimistic that food trucks can make a stake in Windsor’s BIAs if a plan was

brought forward, but he says the DWBIA hasn’t received feedback from potential vendors. He believes vendors aren’t coming forward because they already know the bylaws are too prohibitive.

“There’s too many rules and regulations that affect all the businesses, not just food vendors. … [The rules] make it really difficult to do business in Windsor, and they all need to be looked at with a fresh eye. … it’s not about them just paying taxes and feeding the monster, it’s about them being to support their families, whether it’s food vendors or merchants in small shops, they need to be taken care of.”

Horwitz’ suggestion? The city should better regulate the food truck business, possibly by increasing licensing fees for vendors so they contribute more to the BIAs. “I understand when merchants feel threaten and feel like someone is going to take the bit of business they have,” he said. “Remember, the [businesses] in the BIA pay BIA tax, they pay property tax and property tax is very high, and they pay utilities … you need all these fees to maintain a city and maintain a downtown or BIA. There has to be some type of levy that makes it an even playing field so they contribute to the community.”

Shifting gears So what’s in store for Windsor’s food truck industry? The revolution hasn’t hit home, yet. Robertson doesn’t have high hopes his department will see an increase in applicants or any backlash from operators.

“... I don’t think it’s something that’s very popular and maybe it’s because of the regulations that are there. They’re not able to operate in those core or key areas.”

Food trucks bring awareness to different areas of a community, helps draw tourists and gets people outdoors, according to Friedman.

He suggested two ways to drum up political will in Windsor for bylaw reform.

“Find councillors who are opened to the whole concept of food trucks. … or start pressing the envelop the other way, having food truck festivals and having more presence so the public will start putting pressure on the politicians.”

Neill contemplates joining forces with other food vendors to bring curbside food culture to Windsor.

“I’ve been to many of the rallies out in Hamilton, Niagara and Toronto. The more trucks you get on the street the more people you get,” said Neill. “Maybe if there were three or four trucks here in Windsor already who were struggling to get by, if all three of us got together we may find out the turnout could be astronomical.”

“I’d like nothing more than to drive that truck into Windsor and park it right down on the riverfront, at the festival plaza. My dream is to see a strip of trucks along the riverfront, five, six, seven trucks everyday at lunch or once or twice a week.”

Carvery pushes Walkerville west

Trendy new sandwich shop serves fresh food and ideas on Wyandotte east

NATASHA MARAR

The Cavery opened last month at the corner of Wyandotte Street and Hall Avenue » Photos Natasha Marar

A former sushi joint on the fringes of Walkerville has transformed into a casual, gourmet sandwich shop by a West Coast couple.

The Carvery, located at 1301 Wyandotte St. E. at Hall Avenue, opened its doors a few weeks ago. Co-owners Michael Cowan and Kun Sun relocated from Vancouver to Windsor last October to scope out a new home and location for a business.

Cowan, a trained chef, has been working in kitchens for the last 15 years. He met Sun while working together at a restaurant in Vancouver.

“We bought a [restaurant] in Vancouver and ran it for about four years. We did really well, but we couldn’t keep up with the costs of Vancouver. Around 2012 … we started looking for other places to move,” said Cowan. “[Windsor] looked good on paper. We stayed here in a hotel for a month … and we liked what we saw. It was a healthy business environment, I think, and it’s affordable real estate.”

The couple’s previous restaurant was a “California taco style place” that Cowan said wasn’t their own concept. “When we started our [The Carvyer] we wanted to put our stamp on it … we came up with my favourite thing as a kid .. the Sunday roast. And the best thing about the Sunday roast is sandwiches.”

The Carvery’s menu is built around its porchetta sandwich — crispy, roasted pork belly, diced and topped with honey dijon mustard, greens and apples on a ciabatta bun. Other menu items include braised beef and blackened fish sandwiches, summer and hot bacon salads, unsweetened apple ice tea and mini apple pies with

flaky, butter crusts.

Cowan spoke to the aesthetics of The Carvery, which was overhauled from its former incarnation as a sushi restaurant.

“What I always thought in my head was like the era of 1900, turn of the century, industrial. But at the same time we wanted to keep it clean and easy maintenance and bright because it’s such a small space,” said Cowan.

He gestured to the wooden backdrop in the prep area, which is adorned with an false bull’s head. “Coming from out west you see a lot of these big planks in the ghost towns… it is a bit of a mashup but that is a bit of the inspiration.”

“We wanted to do an old world style because we do old world cooking like roasts and apple pies made with butter. We wanted to keep it Canadian in a way. Some people say it’s British. Well yeah it is kind of, when you look at old Canadian stuff it’s very British,” he said.

“I think it’s awesome,” said Oliver Swain-

son about The Carvery. Swainson enjoyed the porchetta sandwich last week.

“Walkerville in itself is getting a little bit crowded in the core area. By having them on the outskirts it’s making a good thing just grow.”

Although Cowan and Sun and their two children are enjoying their new lives in Windsor, they do miss British Columbia’s

mountains and what Cowan refers to as Vancouver’s “walkable neighbourhoods.”

“You take a bus downtown, you take a bus to Kitsilano (neighbourhood) and walk around. I think the Walkerville area could be a neighbourhood like that, a place where you can drive or take the bus or bike and just walk around and do stuff.”

Ask a brewer...

Getting hip to the hops with brewmaster Paul Brady Q: What are hops and how do they come into play while brewing?

Paul Brady: Hops are flowers really, the female flowers of the humulus lupulus plant, which is cousin of the cannabis plant.

Hops are used for many reasons, they are a natural preservative in that they create an environment that allows the brewer’s yeast to still live safely, but it’s more antimicrobial for other bad boys you don’t want into the brew, or the mix. The other main use is to balance out the sweetness of the malt, it can be used as a bittering agent.

Hops are always added into the boil kettle, once you’ve gotten your grain wet and you’ve strained the sugar water from the grain into the kettle and you’ve got what we call wort, you then boil it to sanitize it and to knock off any other volatile molecules that you want. That’s when you add your hops.

Depending upon when you add them, they will do different things to the beer.

Every hop has its own flavour and profile; there’s as many as there almost are flowers in the world. If you add the same hop

at the beginning of the boil, the flavour will all dissipate and all you will have is a little bit of the bittering left, if you add it in the middle, it’ll leave flavour, and if you add it at the very end, it leaves aroma which is what helps with flavour.

[If you add hops at all of the different phases] you come up with a really cool IPA. IPAs are usually heavily hopped throughout the whole process.

What are some of the differences between hops?

What are some of the differences between hops?

Some hops are spicy, some are citrusy, some are earthy, some are piney, some have floral notes … you can get a lot of different flavour profiles out of them and depending on what you’re trying to do, it’s just another colour on the pallet that you can then paint your picture with.

Hop forward refers to how the hops come into play with your palate, your major sweet centres, sour salt and bitter, hop forward means up front, more of a flavour profile, as opposed to a bitter, which bites you in the back.

ARTS

THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 11

Punk rock, politics and gelatine Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine come to Detroit

ADAM D’ANDREA If I had any doubt the phone number I just dialed was punk legend Jello Biafra’s, it was completely removed when I began explaining where I was calling from.

“I know where Windsor is, I’ve been there before,” said Biafra halfway through explaining in his signature snarky tone that, as a long-time listener, I’ve become very familiar with.

“I think the longest, most exhaustive border crossing I’ve ever been a part of was when Dead Kennedys crossed back out of Canada to play a show in Detroit in 1982 ... Yeah, that was a nasty one,” Biafra said.

“They tore the van and everybody’s belongings to pieces.”

The former Dead Kennedys vocalist and current owner of Alternative Tentacles records is heading back Detroit June 15, this time to the Magic Stick with his band the Guantanamo School of Medicine. Biafra clearly respects and admires the Motor City’s music history, referring to it as the “cradle from which almost all American punk, 1976 and beyond, sprang” and saying he felt like the only fan of The Stooges and MC5 when he was in school.

“It’d be ‘Oh, maybe I should move to Detroit and there’ll be more cool music there and people like me instead of all these clowns who are trying to become the next Chick Corea or the next Eagles,’” said Biafra, who grew up in Boulder, Colo.

“Of course there’s also the whole Motown history too, which somebody like (MC5 guitarist) Wayne Kramer will tell you is intertwined and crucial with the rise and power of Detroit rock and roll.”

His thoughts regarding the events leading up to Detroit’s 2013 bankruptcy declaration, however, are not nearly as kind.

“Obviously this whole ‘financial manager

Former Dead Kennedy, Jello Biafra, now 55, is back with a new project and even more politics » Photo Elizabeth Sloan appointed by the governor’ situation is a complete scam,” he said. “I mean, that law was overturned by popular referendum and then the corrupt criminals who are in the lame-duck legislature re-enacted the law right after the election, and even put in a poison pill so it could not be overturned by referendum.”

“But the whole purpose of appointing a financial manager to act as a virtual dictator, or whatever, you’re basically turning cities into banana republics. It’s a land grab, it’s a money grab.”

His latest album, White People and the Damage Done, addresses issues such as greed, corruption, white collar crime and the abundance of celebrity gossip in mainstream media.

“I think that the slant towards more and more tabloid crap on celebrities is not just there to serve advertisers, it’s there to make

as many people possible as stupid and obedient as possible,” said Biafra. “Especially, if you can get half the population, women, so hung up on their looks and their weight and everything else that they don’t fight back against the people who are abusing them in that manner.”

The solution to being constantly bombarded with tabloid fare, according to Biafra, is to develop a “bullshit detector.”

“It’s especially important for not just adults but for kids. Especially when either sex, or especially young girls, hit adolescence and they just get attacked from all sides by the fashion police,” he said.

“If they’ve already got a strong bullshit detector and their peers or even mothers and teachers are saying, ‘It doesn’t matter how interesting or dynamic or intelligent you are. You’re too fat, you’re ugly, you’re not

popular.’ If they’ve got the bullshit detector already there they can say, ‘Yo, I’d rather be myself, thank you very much. I don’t need that shit. See ya later.’”

Although he’s been a public critic of many aspects of U.S. society for nearly four decades, don’t confuse Biafra with being antiAmerican. Biafra says he loves his country in his own unique way.

“I mean, what a weird-ass, perverted country we have. But it’s also a beautiful place in many ways. It’s the birthplace of rock and roll and soul and all kinds of amazing music and culture. Film, writing, you name it,” said Biafra. “In spite of people of other countries asking me over the years, ‘If America’s as fucked up as you say it is, why haven’t you fled the country yet?’”

“And I say ‘Hey, wait a minute, this is my home.’ Home is where the disease is.”

the Windsor Scene

WALTER SENKO

w/Jamie Greer

MAESTRO FRESH WES

TEENAGE KICKS

Maestro Fresh Wes slides in to town

Vaudevillianaires, unquiet dead, Silent Movie Type and Senko play national spotlight JAMIE GREER Over the past few years, churcHouse has emerged as one of the community’s most aggressive musical supporters and promoters, presenting shows featuring national acts, doing video and merch for local music projects, and throwing a diverse summer festival called Summer Symposium.

The third instalment happens June 20 at Place Concorde (7515 Forest Glade Dr.), featuring national headliners Maestro Fresh Wes (Toronto’s hip hop legend responsible for the 80s hit “Let Your Backbone Slide”) and Winnipeg’s indie hip hop darlings Grand Analog. Backed up by local favourites Salt of the Chief Cornerstone, The Locusts Have No King, Grumpy Monkeys, The Academy, Takers & Leavers, The Expansion Family and local DJ sensation DJ Double A, it’s great to see another local indie festival become an annual tradition. Advance tickets ($10 as opposed to $15 at the door) are available now online at ticketscene.com or at Place Concorde, with all proceeds supporting Hospice Windsor and Essex County.

With a record number of Windsor bands representing the area at this years Canadian Music Festival in Toronto, it was interesting to see if Windsor would be on display at Toronto’s other summer music festival, North By Northeast (NXNE), an annual showcase series in Toronto that features Canada’s top independent acts. This year’s edition headlined by such acts as St. Vincent, Spiritualized, Swans, Joel Plas-

kett Emergency and Metz, and Windsor already has four acts announced in the first wave of performers: Wednesday, June 18 sees Walter Senko (ex-Credible Witness) performing a solo show at The Cameron House at 8 p.m., followed by shock rock/ stoner metal outfit The Vaudevillianaires at The Bovine Sex Club at midnight. On Friday, June 20, local indie roots faves the unquiet dead plays their third consecutive NXNE with a show at The Tranzac Club at 11 p.m., with Silent Movie Type (who also showcased at Canadian Music Week) play a 2 a.m. slot at Sneaky Dee’s. Still plenty of time for more additions, but another great year of Windsor independent musicians representing the scene at national showcase festivals.

“talk-of-the-town” performances at Phog Lounge, Villains Beastgro, FM Lounge and beyond. They’re joined by local newcomer Mandala M, a sultry blues singer, and hip hop MC Icky Eric, who recently went YouTube viral with his video for the Rose City centric “Dubz In The Air.”

On Thursday, June 5, Toronto’s Teenage Kicks hit The Dominion House Tavern (3140 Sandwich St.) on their tour in support of their latest disc, Spoils of Youth.

This duo packs a wallop of full throttle rock and roll live, and after memorable shows at Phog Lounge and Villains Beastro, they’re tackling a bigger venue on their return to Windsor.

With band members named Sami Cesspool, Mary Crotchzilla and Megan Jailbait, you get a hint of what to expect from Toronto’s Sista Fista, who play Villains Beastro (256 Pellissier Ave.) Saturday, June 7. Aggressive attitude in the vein of bands like The Donnas, L7 or 7 Year Bitch (with a hint of Steel Panther), Sista Fista is pure rock and roll overdrive. Joined on tour with Gen Gorman, plus local support from Siren Phase, this will be the night’s sweatiest, fist-pumping show, hands down.

Polaris Studios is throwing a benefit for Hiatus House on Friday, June 6 at Venue Music Hall (255 Ouellette Ave.), headlined by Kitchener’s gypsy folk duo, The Vaudevillain (not to be confused with Windsor’s Vaudevillianaires). This eclectic ragtag twosome have been winning over the hearts of Windsor the past year with

Toronto indie popsters Goodnight Sunrise returns to Windsor for another show in support of their 2013 debut, Create/Destroy/Create, with a show at Phog Lounge (157 University Ave. W., beside Pogos) on Saturday, June 7. Fans of bands like Metric, Rah Rah, or Rural Alberta Advantage will love this band’s raucous pop ‘his and her’ stylings and energetic live shows, especially in such an intimate setting as Phog.

Sudbury fuzzrock garagesters Geyser hit Windsor’s Phog Lounge Friday, June 13 following a favourable recent review from notoriously pretentious indie magazine, Pitchfork, for their self-titled EP. They’re

joined by one of Windsor’s most notoriously absent bands, The Spooky But Nice. Fronted by Dr. Disc owner Liam O’Donnell, this beautiful garage psych project was a surprise hit several years ago when his self produced debut CD emerged, but live performances never arrived. They finally debuted last year but live shows are still a scarcity. This will be a rare treat.

Local pop-punk darlings We Can Be Heroes unveil their new CD at FM Lounge (156 Chatham St. W.) on Friday, June 13 and they’re bringing a whole lot fun in support. Death ska punk rockers The Nefidovs, the pop-punk of State of Us and Your Best Bet, plus a solo performance from Bobby Sproat round out the night.

Windsor has always had a love affair with roots music – from Ron Leary and The Locusts Have No King, to James OL & The Villains and the unquiet dead. And punk rock in Windsor has an even more legendary hall of fame, featuring The Spy’s, Dry Heaves, Lager Lads, Posers and Orphan Choir. New outfit Thick As Thieves has found an exciting way of combining the two, with a rag tag sound that sounds like what may have happened if Shane MacGowan or Joe Strummer had jammed with The Band instead of their own respective projects. Folk rock with punk rock sensibilities, they’re playing at The Coach & Horses (156 Chatham St. W., below Pogos), alongside Queens Rug and Blank Wall.

Knock-knock?

»

albums

Standup comedy growing in Windsor

III

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WE CAN BE HEROES THIRTY-TWO-THIRTY S/R

Windsor four-piece pop punk band We Can Be Heroes is set to release their sophomore album Thirty-TwoThirty this month.

Recorded by Brett Humber at Sound Foundry Studio, the record features Tyler Shelson and Chris Holt on guitars, with Doug Huha on drums and Josh Peltier providing vocals and bass.

Windsor’s comedy scene prides itself on supporting each other » Photo Sean Previl SEAN PREVIL Breaking into standup comedy is no joke, but local comedians say Windsor’s a great place to get your start.

comedy clubs within a two hour drive. Michigan is a great place to try to get stage time and exposure.”

While there may not be as many venues as in Michigan, there’s places hosting regular comedy nights including Milk Coffee Bar, Leo’s Komedy Korner, Rockhead Comedy Quarry and Villains Beastro.

According to fellow Windsor comedian Rob Kemeny, starting comedy out-of-town can be the best way to build up your laughs.

Six-year Windsor comedy veteran Jon Peladeau said being an amateur comedian in the city is a lot easier because of the support other comedians provide.

“Our comedy community is quite inclusive,” said Peladeau. “... we’re really good at supporting new talent coming up and getting them in and accustomed to what they have to do.”

Peladeau said there can be issues however in getting started because Canadians audiences can be difficult to please.

“In Canada, they know what they like a lot more and are more willing to tell you if it’s funny whereas in Michigan, they’re more open to things,” he said.

Peladeau explained Michiganders enjoy lowbrow humour while he’s found Windsorites tend to favour more intelligent jokes.

Being close to the border is an added benefit because it gives comedians a better chance at practising and performing their acts to different audiences.

“Michigan as a state has about five paying

“The way the rule goes is you’re not going to make it in your town because this is where you started,” said Kemeny. “People saw you when you sucked so they’re already going to have that image of you.”

Kemeny said he isn’t trying to discourage Windsor comedians from starting here, but they need to be patient because the comedy scene in Windsor is still in its “fledgling stages.”

“The scene here is very, very young, there’s not a lot of guys that do it,” said Kemeny.

“We’re just trying to push as much as we can, trying to get as much as we can out of it without having to cross the border.”

Despite the infancy of Windsor’s comedy scene, Peladeau said if people are interested in getting into the profession, Windsor is the best place to get started because people can get more exposure.

“It provides you (with) a very supportive community of funny and knowledgeable people,” he said. “I really think a new comic can grow a lot quicker in a city like Windsor than going to a big city like Toronto or New York where you have to fight for the stage time.”

Thirty-Two-Thirty is decidedly catchy and fun, albeit somewhat predictable.

The release comprises seven fleeting tracks, which explore standard pop punk themes such as best friends, ill-fated romance and the uncertainty that accompanies young adulthood.

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KAISER SOUND PRODUCTIONS VOLUME 1 KAISER SOUND PRODUCTIONS

Compilation CDs are sadly few and far between to properly capture the amazing multiplicity of the Windsor music scene. There have been a few comps in recent years: SoundProof Sessions, the Walkerville Mix Tape series, and local producer Mark Plancke’s From The Tank.

Following in Plancke’s footsteps, producer Josh Kaiser of Kaiser Sound Productions has released Kaiser Sound Productions Volume 1.

Obviously a labour of love, no detail has been overlooked on Thirty-TwoThirty. Even the tracklist has been cleverly arranged to inspire optimal emotional response.

The compilation includes Paul Jacobs, Tea Leaves, Hellraiser, Weirdonia and Ape Cassette, alongside out-of-towners such as Toronto’s Junior Bob and London’s Katilina Cowan. It shows the deft touch that Kaiser and his crew have at Kaiser Productions, handling a beautifully miscellaneous quilt of music and allowing each song to shine and tell its true voice.

Fourth on the album, “Lost in Transit” is a prime example of the optimistic and transitional vibe We Can Be Heroes seems to be striving for. The song demonstrates an impeccable buildup of energy followed by an abrupt stop.

It’s a formula which proves effective at eliciting anticipation, and the ensuing three tunes readily deliver.

Katilina Cowan’s “This City’s Dead” is a minimalistic acoustic piece that highlights the warmth of her voice and lets the words melt in your ears, a direct (yet appropriate) opposite of tracks such as “Out of Space Bedroom” by sludge rockers Ape Cassette.

The groove is tight, the production intentionally muddy, and the vocals a perfect reverby distance.

In contrast to their previous recordings, this new album presents a notably more refined and distinctive sound for the band, resulting in a solid and extremely radio-friendly collection of likeable pop songs.

Paul Jacobs — represented both solo (“Drug Theatres”) and with his previous project, Raised By Weeds (“Fun and Games”) — is captured perfectly.

His drug trip garage rock sounds sweaty and is just as powerfully exhilarating on record as it is live.

We Can Be Heros host a release party for the new album June 14 at FM Lounge.

— AMANDA SINASAC

The compilation also hits gold with some metal goodness (“Electric Funeral” by Hellraiser), quirky Rick White-esque pop (“Thanks for Watching” by Soda Pop), to the insecure folk melodies (I mean that as a compliment) of Tea Leaves (“The Patterns of the City”).

A pleasant aural ride, this comp not only leaves the listener excited by the new breed of music coming from Windsor’s streets but relieved that the production is still, locally, in good hands.

— JAMIE GREER

A new voice for South River Slim Sean Hughey’s battle with cancer that landed him back on stage JAMIE GREER Far too often in life we take advantage of the good things. Before we know it, someone or something removes it, and we never realized how vital it was to our existence. No one knows that better than local musician Sean Hughey, better known under the moniker South River Slim.

A life long music fan, as well as musician, it took being diagnosed with throat cancer — and the subsequent fight to regain his voice — to open up and reveal his music to the world.

Originally from South River, a small northern Ontario town of just over 1,000 people, Hughey was raised during his teen years in Chatham. Originally inspired by the music of the Yardbirds, Rolling Stones and the Doors, by the age of 12, he had immersed himself in the deep blues, devouring old masters like Muddy Waters and Robert Johnson.

By his late teens, Hughey was jamming with friends in the band Route 66, which played a few originals and covers by his aforementioned idols, as well as Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley and Elvis Presley. They played from Toronto to Windsor until personnel changes caused the band to splinter. Bassist Matt Putnam relocated to the east coast, while Hughey moved to Quebec to find another adventure. But as Hughey was discovering himself and his music travelling around the country, tragedy began to hit his family. He returned to Chatham, putting his music on hold.

With the need to find work, Hughey headed to Windsor in 2002 to join the factory trades for which the blue collar city is famous.

But the storm clouds of his family’s losses overwhelmed his musical instinct, and he became reclusive to the bar music scene he’d embraced all those years before. He still wrote off and on, playing one man concerts in his basements, but the stage became a stranger.

A chance meeting with a few musicians at a local pub both reinvigorated and inspired him to hit the stage again in 2010, and seeing local acts at venues like Phog, FM Lounge and Villains Beastro opened his eyes to a different, more creative music scene.

But just as Hughey shook off the rust, he received news from his doctor that he’d never prepared himself to hear: the sore throat he’d been trying to shake for months was throat cancer.

For a singer just reclaiming his voice, the thought of losing it was unbearable. And the reality of the cancer’s end game became all too vivid.

“It sank in slowly at first,” Hughey recalled.

“Then it was … well I was ready to die if I had to. I could say I had a great life up to then, [it] wouldn’t change too much. I just accepted death.”

After a year of chemo and preparing for the worst, he decided to stop feeling sorry for himself and start fighting for his life. “I started to think of things I still wanted to do, and what some people that were close to me would do without me.That is when I started to fight, but it was a fucking hard time. Every little thing that is in your normal everyday life is gone … and turned upside down.”

Hughey began to fight,through the aid of his longtime girlfriend, friends and lifelong companion: music.

Hughey began to work on his voice (which his doctor told him he would most likely lose permanently), perform and write at home. He teamed up with local musician Ted Lamont of Blasternaut fame, recording at his home studio.

Sean Hughey is better know as musician South River Slim » Photo Jon Liedtke

The submersion back into the music was rejuvenatory, and he slowly felt his strength return. When the cancer entered into remission, his former teen pal Matt Putnam (now renamed Nudie has become an award winning roots singer/songwriter) called from out of the blue and the two reconnected after decades of silence. Nudie was coming through Windsor on tour and wanted to know if Sean still played. Nudie’s encouragement was the last and final shove to break South River Slim out of the husk that Sean Hughey had become.

He created a backing band, The Fleshmerchants (which included former Route 66 bandmate Rick Rycheghem, as well as guitarist Jeff Mifflin), and debuted his dark swampy blues opening for Nudie at Villains Beastro last fall. Since then he’s been writing and recording (his first two singles, “Heavy Like Licorice” and “Square of the Dead,” are now getting radio play in the U.S., Canada and Europe), performing shows from Windsor to London, all the while keeping his spirits focused forward on his music and not relying on self-pity to fuel his days.

Hughey’s cancer is still a constant presence in his life (while in remission, it’s still not cured), and he’s learned that while he may have turned his back on the music for a brief dark spell, the music never turned its back on him. “The songs are all out there in the air,” he said. “One picks you, and you just try and write it down before it’s disappeared ...”

Catch South River Slim & The Fleshmerchants with Flash Lightnin’ at The Dominion House Tavern, June 4 at 10 p.m.

Ontario can't afford any more Liberal-NDP waste or scandals

presents

Summer festival guide...

SUMMER IS HERE!

Festivals.

If, as Sean Micallef recently tweeted, patios are the meth of the people, then festivals are even more addictive. With hundreds of fests

Audiophile hipsters will surely be pleased with Mo Pop, while camping hippies set sail for Pelee Island for a weekend full of music and Detroit’s Jazz Festival is still uniting young and old soul brothers and sisters.

Techno will not go amiss as DEMF returns

with the Federation of Electronic Music and Technology July 3 for what they’re calling “the world’s largest electronic music festival experience.” And for those who prefer 100 plus Elvi there’s always Windsor King Fest.

And as our nation awkwardly veers to the dreaded 1-5-0, we celebrate 147 years of Canada with partying, ice-cream in Amherstburg, cake at the Windsor waterfront and dancing in the streets.

Whatever festivals you attend this summer, enjoy the weather because before we know it … winter is coming.

FLIP FOR IT

After what has been officially called the most insufferable winter in history, spring has pulled us from the brink of mental destruction and the hot summer sun has become the meth of the people. Windsorites are crowding patios, cycling, walking, porch sitting, market shopping and generally spending every free moment outside, what could be better?

and fairs in the region it’s hard to keep up.

That’s where The Urbanite comes in, with the crème de la crème of what southwestern Ontario and Michigan has to offer. From food fests like Beef in the Burg in Amherstburg, Windsor’s Ribfest and Detroit’s Ribs and RnB; as well as the less beefy Lasalle Strawberry Festival and Tecumseh Corn Festival.

Summer festival Windsor ☻ Detroit (& area) ☻ Essex County ☻

JUNE 2014 National Asparagus Festival

Date: June 6-8 Location: various venues, Oceana County, Mich. nationalasparagusfestival.org Looking for an excuse to make your pee smell, then this festival is for you!

Besides, who would want to miss out on an asparagus food show or the crowing of asparagus queen, which naturally we presume monarchically presides over the festival during the weekend.

Beef in the Burg

Date: June 4 Location: Toddy Jones Park, Amherstburg Hours: 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.

Admission: donation amherstburgrotary.com Looking to eat some meat in a historic town? Awesome, drive the 30 minutes to Amherstburg and join the Rotary Club for Beef in the Burg, an annual fundraising event featuring roast beef, buns, hot dogs and beef themed entertainment.

Lasalle Strawberry Festival

Date: June 5-8 Location: Gil Maure Park, Lasalle Hours: Thursday, June 5 - 6-10p.m.

Friday, June 6 - 3 p.m - 12 a.m.

Saturday, June 7 - 9 a.m. - 12 a.m.

Sunday, June 8 - 9 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Cost: $2 town.lasalle.on.ca/strawberryfestival Noted as a top 100 festival in Ontario, Lasalle’s Strawberry Festival brings together two tons of strawberries, toddlers in tiaras and and “Border City Barkers,” what we can only assume are dogs on roller skates.

Art in the Park

Date: June 6-8 Location: Willistead Park, Windsor Hours: Friday, June 6 - 6-11 p.m.

Saturday, June 7 – 10 a.m.-11 p.m.

Sunday, June 8 – 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Admission: $20 (Friday Night Launch Party); $5 (Saturday & Sunday); Free for children under 12 artintheparkwindsor.com Located in the park surrounding Willistead Manor, Art in the Park features over 250 art vendors. Autumn Hills and the Mike Ure Band will rock the stage at Music Around the Park. Visitors can dine, shop and rock in an all-encompassing art loving event.

Colchester Walleye Derby

Date: June 7 Location: Colchester Harbour, Colchester Hours: 6 a.m-2:30 p.m. & 7 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.

Admission: $20 derby.hcslions.com Participate in southern Ontario’s largest single day Walleye Derby in Canada’s Walleye capital.

Motor City Pride Fest

Date: June 7-9 Location: Hart Plaza, Detroit Hours: Saturday, June 7 - 11 a.m.-10 p.m.

Sunday, June 8 - 9:30 a.m.-7 p.m.

Admission: $5 motorcitypride.com Share the pride at the 43rd annual Motor City Pride Fest. Attend a wedding in the plaza and then head down to the boylesque show, because burlesque is not only for the ladies!

Bavarian Festival

Date: June 12-15 Location: Frankenmuth, Mich.

Hours: $2 Admission: Thursday, June 12 - 5 p.m.12 a.m.

Friday, June 13 - 4 p.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, June 14 - 12 p.m.-12 a.m.

Sunday, June 15 - 1 p.m.-12 a.m. bavarianfestival.org Celebrate with polka music and German food and plenty of beer!

Carrousel by the River

Date: June 13-15 Location: Riverfront Festival Plaza, Windsor Hours: Friday, June 13 - 6 p.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, June 14 - 12 p.m.-11 p.m.

Sunday, June 15 - 12p.m.-9p.m.

Admission: $5 carrouselofnations.ca Windsor’s riverfront becomes a hub of multiculturalism. Carrousel by the River features ethnic culinary tastings and live music by Alexander Zonjic, Crissi Cochrane, Jose Feliciano and Buffy Sainte-Marie.

The Leamington Fair

Date: June 13-15 Location: Leamington Fairgrounds Hours: Friday, June 13 - 4 p.m.

Saturday, June 14 - 11 a.m.

Sunday, June 15 - 12 p.m.

Admission: $17-$26 leamingtonagriculturalsociety.weebly. com/fair-information This time of the year, Leamington has it all! From car races to the hottest tomato competition, the 166th Leamington Fair promises fun for the whole family.

Summerfest Windsor

Date: June 19-July 1 Location: Riverside Festival Plaza Hours: 1 p.m.-11 p.m. (weekdays) 11 a.m.-11 p.m. (weekends) Admission: free summerfestwindsor.org Summer kicks off with Summerfest Windsor. The 17-day festival, which features river cruises and tug boat races on the scenic waterfront, will end in with Canada Day celebrations.

Island Festival

Date: June 19-21 Location: Arcadia Creek Festival Site, Kalamazoo, Mich. islandfestkalamazoo.com Roll up a spliff, don your favourite Bob Marley t-shirt and head up to Kalamazoo for the annual Island Festival which includes international and national reggae acts for the largest celebration of Caribbean culture in Michigan.

Opa!Fest

Date: June 20-22 Location: St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church, Troy, Mich.

Hours: Friday, June 20 - 4-11 p.m.

Saturday, June 21 - 12-11 p.m.

Sunday, June 22 - 12-8 p.m.

Admission: $2 - free certain hours (see website) opafest.com

Grab some Gyros and watch the OPA dancers as you travel back to Greece for a weekend!

Art of Eating Food & Wine Festival

Date: June 20-21 Location: Lakewood Park South, Tecumseh Hours: Friday, June 20 - 5 p.m.-1 a.m.

Saturday, June 21 - 5 p.m.-1 a.m.

Admission: $12 ADV/$15 ATG artofeatingtecumseh.com Tecumseh’s BIA will host Art of Eating Food & Wine Festival. The event’s key value is locality, as every item on the menu is regional. So grab some food and drink and enjoy the waterfront.

Carrousel Around the City

Date: June 20-22 Location: varies (see website) Hours: varies (see website) Admission: free carrouselofnations.ca Another example of Windsor’s renowned hospitality is Carrousel Around the City. Participants can experience different cultures and cuisines.

Be sure to save room for the Greek, Polish and Caribbean villages!

Windsor King Fest

Date: June 20-22 Location: The Capitol Theatre, Windsor Hours: Friday, June 20 - 7:30 p.m. (competition) Saturday, June 21 - 3 p.m. (show) & 7:30 p.m. (competition) Sunday, June 22 - 10:30 a.m. (show) & 1:30 p.m. (competition) Admission: $15-$165 windsorelvisfest.com Windsor King Fest features competitions amongst Elvis tribute artist in a week full of Elvis nostalgia. Grand prize awaits the winner in Memphis, where he or she will represent Windsor at The King of the World competition.

Ford Fireworks

Date: June 23 Location: Riverfront, downtown Windsor Hours: dusk Cost: free theparade.org Behold Target! Ford’s first official fireworks will light up two nations’ skies. Held annually, they never fail to surprise.

Stars & Stripes Festival

Date: June 26-29 Location: Freedom Hill County Park, Sterling Heights, Mich.

Hours: 12 p.m.-11 a.m.

Admission: N/A starsandstripesfest.com Feeling some American patriotism?

Partake in Stars & Stripes. But animal lovers, beware! The Banana Derby is back with two poor monkeys racing on dogs.

Electric Forest Festival

Date: June 26-29 Location: Double JJ Ranch, Rothbury, Mich. electricforestfestival.com A forest, bright coloured lights, dance music, national acts including REO Speedwagon and presumably an ample supply of psychedelic drugs. What more could you ask for from a four-day outdoor music festival? A lower price point with tickets ranging from $199 to $239.50 plus fees.

Jobbie Nooner

Date: June 27 Location: Gull Island, Lake St. Clair

(northeast of Detroit) jobbienooner.com (ages 18+) The Urbanite just recently found out about this annual adult’s only event, but the annual Mardi Gras style boat and island party seems to be a wild and raucous time judging from their website.

Carrousel around the City

Location: varies (see website) Hours: varies (see website) Admission: free carrouselofnations.ca Another example of Windsor’s renowned hospitality is Carrousel Around the City. Participants can experience different cultures and cuisines.

Be sure to save room for the Greek, Polish and Caribbean villages!

Arts at the Marina

Date: June 28-29 Location: Leamington Municipal Marina, Leamington Hours: 10a.m.-5p.m.

Admission: free leamingtonartscentre.com Arts at the Marina offers a variety of work from local artists. Food, refreshments and live music will complement the day at the marina.

JULY

Windsor Canada Day Celebration & Parade

Date: July 1 Location: Wyandotte Street at Devonshire Street, Windsor Hours: 10 a.m.-4p.m.

Admission: free hsummerfestwindsor.org Come celebrate the nation’s birthday with marching bands, floats and BMXs followed by a giant birthday cake at Fred Thomas Park. Make sure to skip breakfast at home and try the pancakes here instead.

Amherstburg Rotary Ribfest

Date: July 4-6 Location: Centennial Park, Amherstburg Hours: Friday, July 4 - 12-11 p.m.

Saturday, July 5, 2014 - 12-11 p.m.

Sunday, July 6, 2014 - 12-7 p.m.

Admission: free amherstburgrotary.com The Rotary Club of Amherstburg is holding its 5th annual Ribfest. The main feature will obviously be ribs, smoked and spiced in every possible way. Blooming onions, fries, hamburgers and Beaver Tails will garnish this light meal.

Walkerville Art Walk & Rock

Date: July 4-5 Location: Walkerville BIA Hours: Friday, July 4 - 6-11 p.m.

Saturday, July 5 - 11 a.m.-11 p.m.

Admission: free walkervilledistrict.com Walkerville rocks it again with the 12th annual Art Walk. Make sure to grab a Walkerville Passport and collect stamps in the neighbourhood stores for your chance to win prizes.

Federation of Electronic Music Technology International Music Festival Date: July 4-6 Location: Ford Field, Detroit Hours: 12 p.m.-12 a.m.

Admission: see website detroitlions.com/ford-field Head to Ford Field to check out the

world’s most influential electronic music artists in techno’s hometown.

Presented by DEMF and FEMT.

Windsor’s Fork and Cork Festival

Date: July 4-6 Location: Riverfront Festival Plaza, Windsor Hours: Friday, July 4 - 5 p.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, July 5 - 11 a.m.-12 a.m.

Sunday July 6 - 11 a.m.-10 p.m.

Admission: $5 (Friday & Saturday); $2 (Sunday) forkandcork.ca The table is set at Windsor’s Fork & Cork. Make sure to bring an appetite to enjoy eats from local restaurants and vendors. Take in live music by James O-L, Cowboy Junkies and more!

Celebrity chef Bob Blumer and other cooking masters will also demonstrate their culinary skills.

Media City Film Festival

Date: July 8-12 Location: Capitol Theatre and Detroit Hours:vary -see website for details Admission: coming soon mediacityfilmfestival.com Experiment international screenings of experimental films and videos.

Common Ground Music Festival

Date: July 8-12 Location: Adado Riverfront Park, Lansing, Mich.

Admission: $24.50-$119.50 commongroundfest.com Two main stages to ensure music lovers get their fill at this annual music festival, this year featuring new and upcoming alternative acts including Brand New, Fitz and the Trantrums, Dr. Dog, Violent Femmes, The Hold Steady and Windsor’s own Chelsey Danfield.

Concert of Colors

Date: July 10-13 Location: various venues, Midtown, Detroit Hours: varies (see website) Admission: free concertofcolors.com Hosted by the Arab American National Museum, Detroit Symphony Orchestra, Detroit Institute of Arts, Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History, New Detroit and ACCESS, this event strives to unite through multicultural music.

Lakeview Eats ‘n Beats Festival

Date: July 11-12 Location: Tecumseh Waterfront Park, Tecumseh Hours: N/A Admission: $10-$25 lakevieweatsnbeats.com Lakeview Eats ‘n Beats is partnering with The International Dragon Boat for the Cure to fundraise for breast cancer.

The Trews, Neverending White Lights and Treble Charger are a few of the many bands performing. Local food and a full bar also available.

Bluesfest Windsor

Date: July 11-13 Location: Riverfront Festival Plaza, Windsor Hours: Friday, July 11 - 7p.m.

Saturday, July 12 - 6p.m.

Sunday, July 13 - 2:30 p.m.

Admission: $20 (Friday & Saturday); $10 (Sunday)/ family of four thebluesfest.com Windsor’s Bluesfest returns for its 20th year! Enjoy a weekend filled with blues and roots music!

guide...

International Dragon Boat Festival

Date: July 11-13 Location: Tecumseh Waterfront Park, Tecumseh Hours: Friday, July 11- 6 p.m.-1 a.m.

Saturday, July 12 - 9 a.m.-12:30 a.m.

Sunday, July 13 - 8 a.m.-7 p.m.

Admission: N/A dragonboatsonline.com The annual dragon boat races are back!

Participate in the races or watch them from the shore. Stick around in the evening when the park is taken over for Lakeview Eats ‘n Beats.

Mo Pop

Date: July 12 Location: Freedom Hill, Sterling Heights, Mich.

Hours: 11:30 a.m.

Admission: $49.50 - $145 mopopfest.com Get your groovy and hipster tunes on and head to Mo Pop! Listen to Young the Giant , Canadians Tokyo Police Club and City and Colour and take a break from the music in the Biergarten.

Royal Oak Outdoor Art Fair

Date: July 12-13 Location: Memorial Park, Royal Oak Hours: 10 a.m.-5p.m.

Admission: N/A ci.royal-oak.mi.us/portal/events/ outdoor-art-fair Get artsy in the D! Glass blowers, ceramics, sculptures and jewelry will be on display in Memorial Park.

Belle River Sunsplash Festival

Date: July 17-20 Location: Lakeview Park, Belle River Hours: Thursday, July 17 - 3:00 p.m.

Friday, July 18 to Sunday, July 20 - 10 a.m. - 6p.m.

Admission: free belleriverbia.com Belle River Sunsplash has entertainment for everyone. From lawnmower races to food and a carnival, this free event also features a classic car parade.

Bring the kiddies.

Farmington Founders Festival

Date: July 17-20 Location: Downtown Farmington, Mich.

Hours: Friday, July 18 - 10 a.m.-10 p.m.

Saturday, July 19 - 10 a.m.-10 p.m.

Sunday, July 20 - 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Admission: free foundersfestival.com Farmington’s festival was rated a hot hangout by MetroTimes. Grab a corn dog and browse the vendor stands.

Colchester Village Festival

Date: July 18-19 Location: Colchester Harbour, Colchester Hours: Friday, July 18 - 5 p.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, July 19 - 12 a.m.-12 p.m.

Sunday, July 20 - 12-5 p.m.

Admission: $10 colchestervillagefest.com Located on the beautiful Colchester harbour, this festival features regional wines and craft beer as well as live entertainment on Lake Erie’s shores.

Summer Beer Festival Date: July 25-26 Location: Ypsilanti Riverside Park, Ypsilanti, Mich.

Hours: Friday, July 25 - 5-9 p.m.

Saturday, July 26 - 1-6 p.m.

Admission: $35 (Saturday); $40 (Sunday)

mibeer.com One of Michigan’s largest beer festival, this event offer 800 beers from local crafters!

Detroit SUP Festival

Date: July 26 Location: Kesington Metropark, Milford, Mich.

Hours: race starts at 9 a.m.

Admission: free detroitsupfestival.com Learn more about stand-up paddleboarding or participate in the WPA sanctioned race.

Explore the Shore Date: July 26-27 Location: Essex County Road 50, from Malden Centre to Cedar Island, Essex Hours: N/A Admission: N/A exploretheshore.ca Explore the shore all the way to Cedar Island! The festival emphasizes the unique businesses on Road 50.

Maker Faire Detroit

Date: July 26 Location: Henry Ford Museum, Dearborn, Mich.

Admission approx $5 to $48, depending on age, membership, one or two day tickets. Super Pass is $102 makerfairedetroit.com Robotics, electronics, rockets, food and fashion all handmade are on display for both makers and fakers. The two-day, interactive event takes DIY to the next level.

AUGUST

Buy Michigan Now Festival

Date: Aug. 1-3 Location: Downtown Northville, Mich.

Hours: Friday, Aug. 1 - 12-9 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 2 - 10 a.m.-8 p.m.

Sunday, Aug. 3 - 11 a.m.-5 p.m.

Admission: free buymichigannowfest.com Enjoy browsing through local vendors, all made in The Mitten State. Magicians and product demonstrations go handin-hand in this festival!

Fusion Fest

Date: Aug. 2 Location: Bob-Lo Island, Essex Hours: TBA Admission: N/A fusionfest.ca Hosted on Bob-Lo Island, the event highlights Windsor and Essex County’s restaurants. Sample sized portions of food and selections of wines from local wineries to feed the body. Local artists will also be exhibiting their work.

The Island Unplugged Music Festival

Date: Aug. 2-3 Location: E Shore Road, Pelee Island Hours: 12:30-11 p.m.

Admission: $30 (day pass); $50 (weekend) theislandunplugged.org The Island Unplugged is a family friendly festival in the heart of Pelee Island. The Island is home-town of internationally renowned musicians, whom are scheduled to be performing.

Family centred activities and quality food supplied by local and regional vendors are also available.

Military Heritage Days

Date: Aug. 2-3 Location: Fort Malden, Amherstburg Hours: 10 a.m. – 5 p.m.

Admission: $ 4.90 (adults); $ 4.40 (seniors); $3.65 (youth); $ 11.70 (families)

FOR EVEN MORE CHECK URBANITENEWS.COM

amherstburg.ca/Event/Details/militarydays Learn about soldiers from the World War I and about 2,000 years of military history. Children can join in the Xplorer Scavenger Hunt, or just unwind by participating in a water fight and recreate the battle of Lake Erie.

Detroit Improv Festival

Date: Aug. 3-10 Location: Go Comedy Improv Theatre, Ferndale, Mich.

Hours: TBA Admission: N/A detroitimprovfestival.org Come see Detroit’s showcase of improv theatre.

Rib’s Jazz Festival

Date: Aug. 8-10 Location: Hart Plaza, Detroit Hours: Friday, Aug. 8 - 11 a.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, Aug. 9 - 12 p.m.-12 a.m.

Sunday, Aug. 10 - 12 p.m.-12 a.m.

Admission: free ribsnsoulrnbjazzfest.com Savour ribs hot from the grill at Hart Plaza and watch bbq competitions to the beat of R&B.

Kingsville Folk Music Festival

Date: Aug. 8-10 Location: Lakeside Park, Kingsville Hours: Friday, Aug. 8 - 5 p.m.-11 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 9 - 10 a.m.-11:30 p.m.

Sunday, Aug. 10 - 10 a.m.-10:30 p.m.

Admission: $35 - $ 90 Website:kingsvillefolkfest.org Thirty national and international performers on four stages to entertain.

Nestled on the north shore of Lake Erie, this rich musical festival will be one of the most picturesque in Canada.

Windsor Pride Fest

Date: Aug. 8-10 Location: Riverfront Festival Plaza, Windsor Hours: Friday, Aug. 8 - 7 p.m.-1 a.m.

Saturday, Aug. 9 - 11 a.m.-1 a.m.

Sunday, Aug. 10 - 11 a.m.-8 p.m.

Admission: $5 donation (Friday & Saturday); free (Sunday) wepridefest.com Come celebrate sexuality with Windsor Pride Fest! The family-friendly weekend festival features face-painting, the annual Pride Parade and plenty of live music and entertainment.

Windsor Ribfest

Date: Aug. 14-17 Location: Riverfront Festival Plaza, Windsor Hours: 11 a.m.-12 a.m.

Admission: free canadasbiggestparty.com Enjoy and sit back with the fourth annual Ribfest, over 40 food booths, carnival rides for the kids and plenty of bands to entertain the lot.

Leamington Tomato Festival

Date: Aug. 14-17 Location: 72 Talbot W, Leamington Hours: Thursday, Aug. 14 - 7-10 p.m.

Friday, Aug 15, 5-11 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 16 - 10 a.m.-11 p.m.

Sunday, Aug. 17 - 8 a.m.-6 p.m.

Admission: $7 leamingtontomatofestival.com Leamington’s tomato industry is still ripe with fun and food for the whole family at the 31st festival.

African World Festival

Date: Aug. 15-17 Location: Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History, Detroit Hours: 1 a.m.-11 p.m.

Admission: free

thewright.org Learn more about African culture at the 32nd African World Festival. Enjoy poetry, arts, crafts and African drumming and dance!

Balloonapalooza

Date: Aug. 16-17 Location: Downtown Windsor Hours: 10 a.m.-11 p.m.

Admission: free balloonapalooza.ca The annual event transforms downtown Windsor into a playground full of activities for people of all ages. Go out for the evening and take a tipsy selfi with your favourite childhood characters.

Michigan Renaissance Festival

Date: Aug. 16-Sept. 28 Location:12600 Dixie Hwy, Holly, Mich.

Hours: 10a.m.-7p.m.

Admission: $21.95 (adult); $12.95 (children); $19.95 (seniors/students) michrenfest.com A unique festival that takes visitors back in time to see sword-swallowing and fire juggling, battle re-enactments and artisans selling their work.

Tecumseh Corn Festival

Date: Aug. 21-24 Location: Lacasse Park, Tecumseh Hours: Thursday, Aug. 21 - 3 p.m.-1 a.m.

Friday & Saturday, Aug. 22 - 12 p.m.-1 a.m. (parade Saturday at 11a.m.)

Sunday, Aug. 24 - 12-7 p.m.

Admission: $2 tecumseh.ca Enjoy the usual carnival fair of festival’s rides, greasy food and entertainment including the Corn Queen! The Tea Party are back on the festival circuit headlining this year.

Microbrew & Music Festival

Date: Aug. 22-23 Location: Grand Traverse Commons, Traverse City, Mich. microbrewandmusic.com Over 75 musicians, 45 microbreweries and 200 craft brews? No need for much else of a description.

Art By the River

Date: Aug. 32-24 Location: Fort Malden, Amherstburg Hours: 10 a.m.-5 p.m.

Admission: $5 gibsonartgallery.com If you haven’t already gotten your fill of arts and craft vendors this summer, head over to the largest show in Essex County.

Harrow Fair

Date: Aug. 28-31 Location: 100 McAffee St., Harrow Hours: Thursday, Aug. 28 - 1 p.m.-8 pm.

Friday, Aug. 29 - 9 a.m.-8 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 30 - 10 a.m.-8 p.m.

Sunday, Aug. 31 - 9:30 a.m.-8 p.m.

Admission: $7 (day pass); $15 (weekend pass) harrowfair.com Get out of the city and remind yourself of the simple country life. Check out the display of farm equipment, fruits and vegetables, baking, needlework, farm animals. The will be pie.

Detroit Jazz Festival

Date: Aug. 29-Sept. 1 Location: Hart Plaza, Detroit Hours: TBA Admission: free detroitjazzfest.com With over 100 jazz musicians from all

over the world, Detroit Jazz Festival knows how to entertain.

Arts, Beats & Eats

Date: Aug. 29-Sept. 1 Location: Downtown Royal Oak Hours: Friday, Aug. 29 to Sunday, Aug. 31 - 11 a.m.-11 p.m.

Monday, Sept. 1 - 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m.

Admission: $3 (before 5 p.m.); $6 (after 5 p.m.); free (Friday) artsbeatseats.com Arts, music and food are at the heart of this four-day event that takes over Royal Oak streets.

SEPTEMBER

Shores of Erie International Wine Festival

Date: Sept. 4-7 Location: Fort Malden, Amherstburg Hours: Thursday, Sept. 4 & Friday, Sept.

5 - 5-10 p.m.

Saturday, Sept. 6 - 12-10 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 7 - 12-6 p.m.

Admission: $25 (Thursday-Saturday); $15 (Sunday) soewinefestival.com This festival brings you fine local wines, food and much more on Fort Malden’s beautiful waterfront. The 10th anniversary features music by Walk Off The Earth, Serena Ryder and locals Crissi Cochrane and The Walkervilles.

Olde Sandwich Towne Festival

Date: Sept.5-7 Location: Sandwich Towne BIA Hours: Friday, Sept. 5 - 7 p.m.-12 a.m.

Saturday, Sept. 6 - 11 a.m.-11 p.m.

Sunday, Sept. 7 - 11 a.m.-8 p.m.

Admission: free Olde Sandwich Towne festival celebrates culture and history in one of Canada’s oldest settlements. Don’t miss the parade on Sandwich Street.

Dally in the Alley

Date: Sept. 6 Location: Cass Corridor, Midtown Detroit Detroit’s largest annual community festival, which takes place in an alley, offers attendees music, visual arts, craft beer, and food.

The Frankenmuth Oktoberfest

Date: Sept. 18-21 Location: Heritage Park, Frankenmuth, Mich.

Hours: Thursday, Sept. 18 - 3-10 p.m.

Saturday, Sept. 19 & Sunday, Sept. 20 12 p.m.-12 a.m.

Admission: $10; free (Sunday) frankenmuthfestivals.com Frankenmuth’s historic festival maintains its connection to the home country by importing German beer and celebrating deutsche-style.

SAVAGE LOVE

THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 18

» Make the call Q:

I I’ve got a question I doubt you’ve ever gotten before. It has a bit of everything: sex-work etiquette, long-distance phone interaction, and a het cis chick anxious not to lose her tolerance badge. Here it goes: A few months ago, I started getting hang-up calls from numbers I didn’t recognize in Boston.

Then weird texts started showing up, trying to set up “dates.” I responded to the first few because I figured someone was giving out a fake number that just happened to be mine. (I kept my cell phone when I moved from Boston to Seattle.) But after the fourth or fifth call/text from a different unknown number, I turned to the internet. Google informed me that my phone number is identical, except for area code, to a trans escort working in Boston. I’m getting one or two calls or texts per week meant for this other woman. They’ve started to get more explicit. Because of the time difference, they come at weird hours. I don’t know what I should do. I can ask my phone company to block each number individually, but that’s a pain in the ass. I can text the correct area code to the men who are writing to me looking for the trans escort, but I don’t really want to help people too stupid to read a phone number correctly. I suppose I could report the whole thing to the Boston police, but I doubt they’d care, and I don’t have any moral objections to sex work, I just don’t want people to call/text me asking for it. Aside from changing my phone number, which has been my sole number for almost eight years, anything else you can suggest?

Stupid Phone And Messages

A:

You claim to have no moral objections to sex work, and you say you’re a tolerant person. But you’re thinking of siccing the police on a trans sex worker— and for what? One or two calls or texts per week. As pains in the ass go, SPAM, that sounds like a pretty piddling one.

You know what constitutes a major pain in the ass for a sex worker? Being harassed by the police and swept up in the criminal-justice system. You’re right, the police are unlikely to drop everything to solve your problem. But you shouldn’t call the cops on this woman regardless, SPAM. If your call was answered by a lazy cop who would rather hassle trans sex workers than go after criminals who are actually hurting people, this woman—a woman who hasn’t really harmed you in any way—could wind up getting badly hurt. The criminaljustice system is rough on sex workers generally, SPAM, and it’s absolutely brutal to trans women who do sex work.

Here’s another idea, SPAM, and a better one: Call the trans escort and have a conversation with her.

You’ve got her phone number.

Talk to her.

As distressed as you are to receive these calls and texts—and, again, one or two a week doesn’t seem like that big of a deal—that sex worker will probably be more distressed to learn that she’s losing so many potential (and numerically illiterate) clients.

I have known and loved a few sex workers—loved in a strictly platonic sense—and most would change their professional phone numbers regularly to rid them-

selves of time-wasters and clients they didn’t want to see again. The sex worker whose calls you’re getting may be willing to change her number, SPAM, or at the very least emphasize the correct area code in her ads.

The best way to demonstrate that you don’t have a moral objection to sex work is to assume sex workers are reasonable human beings and treat them accordingly. Because sex workers are human beings, SPAM, and most human beings are perfectly reasonable. If we were talking about a Fox News personality, my advice might be different—but we’re not talking about a Fox News personality, are we?

Q:

I’m a happily married woman in my 30s.

My husband and I are interested in exploring anal sex.

We enjoy finger play, but so far we haven’t tried anything larger. He’s afraid of hurting me and wants to start with toys and plugs. But I want to jump right in. He’s not that big and, in all honesty, I take shits that are longer and thicker than his erect penis. (Sorry to be gross.) Do you think we need to start slow? Why won’t he even try?

Anal Novice Anxiously Lusting

A:

T When I hear from straight couples just starting to explore buttsecks, ANAL, it’s usually the boy who wants to “jump right in” and the girl who is afraid of getting hurt. I tell these straight boys that they are obligated to take their partner’s feelings into account—they must take it slow, they must use lots of lube, they

must start with fingers and toys and plugs, etc. Those are Buttsecks Best Practices. My advice for you is the same: You are obligated to take your partner’s feelings into account. His fear of hurting you is just as valid as a woman’s fear of being hurt. So while you may not need plugs and toys for your own comfort, ANAL, you should use them for his. It’s possible, of course, that his concern is misplaced—you’ve taken shits that are longer and thicker than his erect penis. But unless you’ve taken shits that have jumped out of the toilet and jammed themselves back into your ass, and then proceeded to pound away at you for 20 minutes, you really don’t know what it’s like to get buttfucked.

Q:

I am a 43-year-old female who’s in a sixmonth relationship with a 26-year-old male. At first it was a FWB arrangement, but after about two months we decided to be exclusive. We explore many things that he wasn’t able to explore with younger women. But he does not orgasm from vaginal or anal sex. He comes only if he masturbates. He says he has reached orgasm only once during vaginal.

He agreed to stop masturbating to see if that would help. No change.

I suggested a urologist, but he’s a college student with no insurance.

Please help me to help him. It’s not a big issue, but he’s going to need to be able to do this when he gets married and wants to start a family.

He Can’t Come

A:

He can so come—he just needs to crank himself over the edge using his fist. Needing his own fist to finish may be the result of death-grip masturbation techniques, and he could retrain his dick with some time and effort.

But it’s not fair to say that “he can’t come.” He can and he does.

If a woman can’t come from vaginal intercourse alone, which 75 percent of women can’t, but can come during oral sex or when mixing fingers or a vibrator into vaginal intercourse, we don’t say, “She can’t come.” We say, “This is what she needs to come.”

This is what he needs to come.

Maybe that will change with time, experience, and some effort to mix up his masturbatory routine (get that boy a Fleshlight), but it’s possible that this is how his dick works. Women who need oral or a vibrator to climax shouldn’t be made to feel bad or be told they’re somehow damaged, HCC, and guys who need a little jack at the end shouldn’t be treated like they’re damaged either. His dick works.

And when it comes time to have kids, he fucks his wife until she’s satisfied, pulls out, jacks himself past the point of no return (aka “orgasmic inevitability”), shoves his dick back in, and blows his load all over her egg(s). No problem.

On the Lovecast, the special rage of men who can’t get laid: savagelovecast.com.

» BY DAN SAVAGE » MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET » @FAKEDANSAVAGE

EVENTS

THE URBANITE » URBANITENEWS.COM » JUNE 4-17 2014 » 19

FIND AND SUBMIT EVENTS AT Geared for Life WEtech Alliance | 8 a.m.

URBANITENEWS.COM/EVENTS St. Andrew’s Hall (Detroit) | 8 p.m. | $15 Work Session: Artists in the Community/Workplace Grant Christien Gagnier & Herman Arts Council Windsor & Region | COMING UP Curry 6:30 p.m.-8:30 p.m.

Taloola Cafe | 8 p.m.-9 p.m.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4 The Flaming Lips Hush & Ro Spit w/ Hatch, Stray & The Fillmore (Detroit) | 7 p.m.

Rolling Supper with Slow Roll Traffic Jam & Snug (Detroit) | 6:30 The Prime Eights Magic Stick Lounge (Detroit) | 8 Spectacular Night Of Trivia - 9:30 p.m. | $60 p.m. | $10 Villains Beastro | 7 p.m.

Flash Lightnin w/ South River Slim Goodnight, Sunrise w/ Takers & Goat Dominion House | 9 p.m. | $10 Leavers MOCAD (Detroit) | 8 p.m. | $12 Phog Lounge | 9 p.m. | $5 THURSDAY, JUNE 5 Pat Maloney w/ Crissi Cochrane SUNDAY, JUNE 8 Phog Lounge Audition Call - Mary Poppins Windsor Light Music Theatre | 7 Sweeney Todd Cardinal – Korda- FRIDAY, JUNE 13 p.m. zone Auditions Cardinal Music | 12 p.m.-5 p.m.

Friday Evenings After Work Party Teenage Kicks w/ R.Y.E. Dominion House | 9 p.m. | $10 Art Swirl: Artist Meet and Greet Rino’s Kitchen & Ale House | 7 Sho Art, Spirit and Performance | p.m.

Brian Burke Quartet 5 p.m. - 8 p.m.

Phog Lounge | 8-10 p.m.

Acoustic Rock and Roll for your The Big sLow Down Vol: V Soul Motown Throwdown w/ DJ Phog Lounge | 6 p.m. | $15 Villains Beastro | 7 p.m.

DOUBLE A Phog Lounge | 10:30 p.m.

MONDAY, JUNE 9 The Presidents of the United States of America FRIDAY, JUNE 6 Researching Scottish Ancestors St. Andrew’s Hall (Detroit) | 7 p.m.

Windsor Public Library | 6 p.m.-8 | $20 Hoodie Allen p.m.

The Shelter (Detroit) | 6:30 p.m.

ABX | $30 Slow Roll FM Lounge | 9:30 p.m.

Friday Evenings After Work Party MOCAD (Detroit) | 6:30 p.m.

God of Carnage w/ Ryan & Sarah Fontaine Santana Kordazone Theatre | 8 p.m. | Rino’s Kitchen & Ale House | 7 Caesars Windsor | 8 p.m. | $55+ $15/$10 students & seniors p.m.

Summer Circus Spectacular WFCU Centre | 7 p.m. | $10$33.25 Band of Skulls w/ Deap Vally St. Andrew’s Hall | 7 p.m. | $18 Tara Watts Taloola Cafe | 8 p.m.-9 p.m.

Chris Tucker Caesars Windsor | 9 p.m. | $30+

Massimo Comedy Quarry | 9 p.m. | $15 Emerald Seas w/ Gracie Mae, Crash! Radio & Bleach FM Lounge | 9:30 p.m. | $5 S.M.U.T. Villains Beastro | 10 p.m.

BurnOuts w/ To The Strongest & Elastic Phog Lounge

Blitzen Trapper w/ The Parkington Sisters Magic Stick Lounge (Detroit) | 8 p.m. | $15 Patrick Ballantyne Phog Lounge | 9 p.m.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10

The Chain Gang of 1974 Magic Stick Lounge (Detroit) | 8 p.m. | $8 ADV/$10 ATG Nick Faye w/ Danny Goertz & Sasha Appler Phog Lounge WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11

SATURDAY, JUNE 7 Drinks of Walkerville Walking Tour Canadian Club Brand Heritage Center | 1 p.m. | $45

Art Forms of Dimensions Tomorrow: Sun Ra’s Audiovisual Omniverse MOCAD | 7 p.m.

Massimo Comedy Quarry | 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m. | $15 Sista Fista w/ Gen Gorman & Siren Phase Villains Beastro | 8 p.m. | $5

Google Analytics workshop

Whitey Morgan w/ Doop and the Inside Outlaws St. Andrew’s Hall (Detroit) | 9 p.m. | $15

Open Mic Surgery w/ James O-L Phog Lounge | doors 9 p.m.

We Can Be Heroes CD Release w/ The Nefidovs, State Of Us, Your Best Bet & Bobby Sproat FM Lounge | 9:30 p.m.

Jon Mckiel w/ Construction and Destruction & George Morris and The Gypsy Chorus Phog Lounge SUNDAY, JUNE 15 God of Carnage Kordazone Theatre | 2 p.m. | $15/$10 students & seniors

Michigan Beerfest DTE Energy Music Theatre (Detroit) | 1 p.m.-5 p.m. | $30-$35 Bikes & Beers Cycling Tour Citywide | 1:15 p.m.-5:45 p.m. | $60 ShopEco Local Beer Tour Walkerville Brewery | 2 p.m.-3 p.m. | $12

Dynomite Broad w/ The Smile Case & Fresh Breath Dominion House | 8 p.m.

Open Stage Night w/ Year’s of Ernest Dominion House | 5 p.m.

V.O.M.I.T. (Vocal Open Mic Instrumental Talent) Villains Beastro Open Mic w/ Jamie Reaume The Manchester Pub Open Mic w/ Pat Robitaille The Willistead | 8:30 p.m.

WEDNESDAYS

Kaiser Chiefs St. Andrew’s Hall (Detroit) | 7:30 p.m. | $22

P.U.K.E. (People Using Karaoke Equipment) Villains Beastro

Jake Owen Caesars Windsor | 8 p.m. | $30

The Groove Trio FM Lounge | 8 p.m.

MONDAY, JUNE 16

Vice Aerial Phog Lounge | 10 p.m.

Tyler Ward w/ Brynn Elliott The Shelter (Detroit) | 6 p.m. | $15

Dave Russell Dominion House Tavern

TUESDAY, JUNE 17

Ladies’ Night – TOAST Open Mic Poetry & Riot Grrrl Tuesday Phog Lounge | 8 p.m.

Free Porn Villains Beastro | All Day

TUESDAYS

Wacky Wexican Wednesdays w/ Dee Russ Dominion House | 5 p.m.

Ben Ottewell The Shelter (Detroit) | 9:30 p.m. | $15

SATURDAY, JUNE 14

MONDAYS

N.X.N.L Windsor – Day 1 Uncle Joe’s Paradise Place | 6 p.m. | $10

Say Yes w/ The Mohrs & R.Y.E Dominion House | 9 p.m. | $7

S3: Sweet Speed & Style of Fine Cars fundraiser Art Gallery of Windsor | 7 p.m. | Book Reading: Marty Gervais, Mi- $250/person cheline Maylor & Peter Norman Biblioasis | 7 p.m.-8:30 p.m.

James Daniel Taloola Cafe | 8 p.m.-9 p.m.

Ghettosocks and Relic w/ DJ DOUBLE A, Soul Brother Stef & Rob Bebenek Dante Lasalle Comedy Quarry | 8 p.m. & 10:30 Phog Lounge | 10:30 p.m. | $8 p.m. | $15 THURSDAY, JUNE 12

WEEKLY

Backstreet Boys w/ Avril Lavigne DTE Energy Music Theatre | 7 p.m. | $27.50-$95

Phoenix w/ Albert Hammond Jr Geyser w/ The Spooky But Nice The Fillmore (Detroit) | 6:30 p.m. | & Good Things $25-$29.50 Phog Lounge

Ladies Craft Beer Education Series Rino’s Kitchen & Ale House | 6 p.m. | $30/class

Karaoke Night Windsor Light Music Theatre | 7:30 p.m. | $2

Rob Bebenek Comedy Quarry | 9 p.m. | $15

God of Carnage Kordazone Theatre | 8 p.m. | $15/$10 students & seniors

THURSDAYS Celtic Night w/ Mark Crampsie Dominion House | 5 p.m.

Funk Junkies The Manchester Pub | 10 p.m.

Open Mic w/ Anderson FM Lounge | 10 p.m.

FRIDAYS Crystal Head Fridays Level 3 Vodka Emporium | 10 p.m.

Loveless Fridays w/ Daniel Victor The Loop | 10 p.m.

After Work Party

Rino’s Kitchen & Ale House | 7 p.m.

ONGOING Land Marks Art Gallery of Windsor | until June 15 Sigi Torinus: Into the Light Art Gallery of Windsor | until June 15 313 photo exhibition Detroit Artists Market | until July 12 WE WON’T COMPETE Art Gallery of Windsor | until Sept. 21

Strong Voice. Real Results.

Only the Ontario Liberals will build a new hospital and work to keep Automotive Jobs in Windsor.

SUPPORTING A DYNAMIC AND INNOVATIVE BUSINESS CLIMATE HELPING TO BUILD AN ECONOMY OF INNOVATORS & ENTREPRENEURS PROMOTING A NATIONAL AUTOMOTIVE STRATEGY ESTABLISHING A NEW 10-YEAR, $2.5 BILLION JOBS AND PROSPERITY FUND INVESTING IN REGIONAL DEVELOPMENT FUNDS TO HELP SMALL BUSINESSES LAUNCHING WE-EXPORT TO HELP LOCAL COMPANIES SELL GLOBALLY

INVESTING IN THE TALENT & SKILLS OF OUR PEOPLE WE WILL BETTER PREPARE STUDENTS FOR THE WORKFORCE BY:  Creating an online career planning tool and enhanced guidance counselling  Changing the grade 10 curriculum to expose them to more careers  Identifying skills champions to mentor students into apprenticeships IMPROVING ACCESS TO HIGHER EDUCATION AND JOBS BY:  Continuing to offer 30%-Off Tuition Grant  Extending the Youth Jobs Strategy, helping young people move into future careers INCREASING APPRENTICESHIP OPPORTUNITIES AND TRAINING BY:  Partnering with businesses to offer on-the-job training  Appointing a special advisor to review the College of Trades

On June 12th Vote

WINDSOR WEST

2437 Howard Ave. (519) 997-2905

fb.e/votePiruzza @teresapiruzza info@votepiruzza.ca www.votepiruzza.ca

Authorized by the CFO for the Windsor West PLA

Teresa PIRUZZA