BA Photography · Student Book Archive · Come As We Are (Not As They Want Us) by Paris Tankard 2022

dedicated to all who helped make this to those featured, and those met along the journey to my friends and family who helped me to get to where i am come as you are, not as they want you

-p

Paris Tankard, 2022

Come As We Are (Not As They Want Us)

Abike

23 • She/Her • Nigeria

I grew up in a very Christian household. I didn’t start dating until I was 18

I don’t think my parents would be very accepting of me being queer but I

so it took a while for me to go through the process of dating and realising

am so there’s not much you can do about it. I used to have so much shame

that I wasn’t into men and that I was in fact, Queer. Growing up I thought

about it, I couldn’t tell people without bursting into tears. I remember

all the feelings I had were universal, I thought everyone thought Women

staying up one night trying to tell one of my closest friends, I couldn’t bring

were the more attractive option out of the human race. When I was given

myself to say the words, I was so distraught, I couldn’t stop crying. The

the space to explore my identity more, there was quite a bit of internal

only way I could tell them was through my tears getting the courage to play

struggle, being taught that being gay was wrong, I really struggled to

Diana Ross’ ‘I’m Coming Out’, she said it was ok and was asking me why

come to terms with my sexuality and what that meant whilst also being a

I was crying and it’s moments like that that make me realise I don’t have

Christian as well, for the longest time I thought the two were incompatible

to struggle on my own, I am who I am and people need to accept that.

and it really tormented me. I didn’t see how it was compatible to have

I’ve always been who I am and I’ve always been the same person and me

an all-loving God who created me in such a way that caused me to hate

recognising this doesn’t change anything about me - it just allows me to

myself or to change, there was no way for me to change so I now believe

love me and love other people more holistically.

that the way I am isn’t something to fight or a sin because how could there be a sin in loving someone. It’s taken me a while to get to that point. I’m so

Moving away has really helped me with this process, Cardiff has a really

disconnected from my old life growing up in London, I don’t think I would

accepting LGBT Community and that’s really helped me in recognising

have had the freedom I have now if I stayed there. I would have to go to

myself. It only strengthened my ideas around my identity. I really value

church every Sunday and we were always told negative things about the

the love and the peace and acceptance that is a part of my life now, it’s

Gay community or the Trans community, they said that they would be

something I want to protect and it’s not something that I’m keen to share

accepted into the church but only if they change who they are. If I stayed

with people who don’t share those values. Sometimes I still feel like I’m

I feel like its something I felt I would have had to change - I remember at

leading a double life, I had my life in Cardiff where I could be out and

one point when I was back in London, I had these feelings for women that

happy and then I would visit family and I would have to pack that away,

I did for men and I thought that I should tell someone in the church. I never

it’s only recently where I’ve been able to come out of my shell with friends

did and I’m very glad that I didn’t, I don’t know how it would have been

in London - I do feel accepted by my friends and those close to me, but

received especially when I was trying to understand my own identity, I

so for long; part of me felt like, ‘cause I wasn’t out to everyone, it was like

would have had it shaped by someone else’s negative opinions. I came out

I was hiding. I’ve stopped seeing it as hiding and I’ve started seeing it as

to my sister last year, she’s the only person I’ve told, she said two things,

living without shame, I can love and accept myself wholly and not share all

‘I know’, and ‘You know this isn’t of God?’and as sad as I was to hear it, it

of myself with people who wouldn’t understand those parts of me. I’m still

didn’t knock my confidence. If this isn’t how God would want me then why

queer whether I tell people or not.

has God made me this way? There is no shame or sin in love.

There is no Shame or sin in love

Everyones just there to get their jush

Alia

21 • She/Her • Pakistan

Coming here, I remember seeing white people and thinking ‘wow’, it was a culture shock, then to go to school and get called things like a curry muncher and being called dirty because I was brown was a shocker to me, it made me observe white beauty in a toxic way, I was always umming and arring over it and I remember wanting blue eyes, blonde hair and fair skin.

It’s like people just walked into a zoo, they wouldn’t do that to a cis woman, Telling my family I was trans was one of the hardest things of my life, I tried

it came with abuse but There are so many men in Cardiff that don’t like me,

coming out at 12 and just got shut down, my mum told me that the devil

they see me as a trick.

was in me and that everyone would hate me, scaring me with aids and that I would never see the end of it, that made me want to pray away my

They see being trans as something to be scared of, telling men, that has

femininity and all these feelings of becoming a woman. I honestly tried to

always been hard. If I go out with someone without telling them men would

do it. I ended up Self-harming for years. When I was 16, my father found

get angry, there’s been times where I’ve been locked in hotel rooms, I’ve

me with hair extensions and went crazy. He hit me. I ended up going to

been intimate with men and they’ve gotten pissed and end up raping

school with bruises across my body. I got taken into care after school and

me anyway, I’ve had knives pulled on me, I’ve been left in the middle of

kept getting moved around - after that my whole family disowned me, even

nowhere. I’m not forcing [my identity] down anyone’s throats but have

the ones in Pakistan. For them it was religion, it was wrong. Even here in

respect for me. I haven’t dated anyone for a year. Whenever I’ve walked

Cardiff, I feel like people are diverse but they look down at people in the

into rooms with men I’ve felt like they’re examined every attribute of my

LGBT community and like we’re going to die in hell. All my friends broke off

body, there’s immense pressure on me.

from me, I was shunned away from the mosques.

Being a part of the Ballroom scene has made me shift my ideas and I remember one year in college my brother took a knife in with him which

instincts, being around other queer people has made me feel like I never

caused me to get separated from my family. I got sent to Llanelli, it was

have to worry about how deep my voice is or how broad my shoulders

super white welsh, there were no brown people, it was crazy. I understand I

are. Everyones just there to get their jush, I’ve loosened my standards

was being taken away to be free but it was a whole new set of eyes on me,

within myself because most women don’t even do that for themselves.

I remember being on the bus and speaking a different language and just

I’ve always felt like I’ve had to have a set of nails on for example, where

being outcasted, people looking at me funny, and just as I got comfortable I

most women wouldn’t care. I started seeing myself as two-spirited, before

got moved to Caerphilly and just being dragged all over Wales and seeing

colonisation people saw women like me as very different, there was no

everyone’s reactions to me not only being brown but being trans.

gender binary and I want to bring that back.

Davida

19 • She/They • Malawi

I feel like I’m still navigating the term Queer, I struggle between thinking I tend to think that I don’t think about being Queer a lot, I just think it’s part

if I’m obviously out to people, or am I not? I don’t know? It’s difficult and I

of my reality. When I came out to myself, which was the hardest part, I

know it is for a lot of Queer people, like I’m not out to my family because

constantly had to remind myself that I haven’t changed and that I’m just

they’re all very traditional African and all the kind of indications to that I’m

finding out new things about myself and that I’m uncovering new parts of

a Queer person to my family, like the way I dress, the bloody septum and

myself that I just used to obscure or force myself to hide from. I say I don’t

the bleached eyebrows? My mum loves it! She is so supportive of where I

think about it a lot but I do, I think about Queer relationships and how I

want to be in life and my vision but I feel like I will never get interpersonal

don’t think I could ever get married to a woman, at least if I ever wanted my

within my family, I don’t feel like I’ll ever get to a level where I can be my

family there.

true self with them because that part of my identity is too extreme or too taboo to have out in the open.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity in terms of my gender, I think about the Queerness of that and how difficult it is and now about how

In terms of outside my family, I am very proud to be a Queer person, I love

much joy I can find in it and I think I just haven’t found the community for

being Bi and I love the label Bi, I feel like it suits me - I’m someone who

me in London, which sounds stupid because there is a massive community

thrives in labels, I know some people don’t like the idea of being put in a

here. I’m happy where I am now and I’m happy with the questions I’m

box and that’s valid too, but it helps me navigate my experiences in a way

asking and the questions I’ve already answered for myself.

that I don’t feel like I would be able to without having the label.

I’m uncovering new parts of myself

I felt left out of social situations

Kay

20 • She/They • Egypt

My parents are quite transphobic and homophobic, they have traditional beliefs and it made it hard for me to accept myself because I knew I’d be a disappointment, or that’s what I thought at least, I haven’t properly come

Knowing that the majority of people around me were straight, it always

out to them but I do plan to in the future but I know I’ll have to try and

made me feel like me being gay was just another thing for me to be made

explain everything to them because I want them to learn and that’s really

fun of or to be ganged up on. I felt left out of social situations - I thought if I

scary to me.

could suppress it that I could be normal. Now I don’t associate myself with anyone who is against people like me. If someone is naive or just doesn’t

A lot of my old friends would make homophobic jokes and make jokes

know then I am more than willing to sit down with them and explain [my

about my race, coming out to them was obviously scary but they eventually

identity] to them.

came around. I know now that these aren’t people that I’d be friends with, but in the past when I started exploring my identity, they were the kind of

My parents make fun of the idea of being trans and I hear them making

people that wouldn’t speak about it positively, it was so normalised that

jokes often which obviously I hate and that’s making it so much harder for

they made me feel like if I did end up being who I am now, that I would

me to come out to them - I know they’re going to be so disappointed but

somehow be lower than them - obviously I don’t believe that now but it was

it’s not something to be disappointed about. It’s a them thing not a me thing

a strong fear when I was younger.

and I try so hard to not let it affect me.

Marz

18 • They/She • United States

I’m Non-Binary but honestly, I’m an ethereal being. The reason I use They/ She pronouns though is because I have the physical body of a woman and I have lived that experience but I feel like I’m more than just that, that’s where the They come from. We’re just energy souls that have come to live the human experience.

I never had any problems with my friends, I’ve always surrounded myself with queer people so its been super easy, family on the other hand generlly accepted me however… old minds don’t understand, it’s hard for them to comprehend. When I told my mum she sat there and cried saying “I’m crying over the death of my daughter”. Like girl please? You’re doing the most? I had to learn to accept myself and that being enough and being in

Growing up in the UK I feel like it was a positive for me, because this is

my own power was enough, that just brought this learned confidence of

where I met all my Queer brothers and sisters, it nurtured that side of me

I am who I am and that’s it. In my community I feel like being Non-Binary

definitely. I would have had a very confusing time growing up in Houston,

was never really an option, like I’m originally from Texas and all my family

I feel like it would have been worse. Being who I am is not a thing there.

over there have have extremely outdated views, like just to be gay was

I’m happy I grew up here. I feel accepted in myself. There is so much self

kind of a big thing. It was never an option which gave me a feeling of

doubt when it comes to gender identity but I feel accepted by myself and

imposter syndrome because I felt like it could never be me. It was never

that’s a huge start and I feel the same with my community that I’m building

nurtured in my family. I had a struggle opening up to my mother about all of

around myself. I’m definitely still learning. This is all such a process,

this because in my head she was always so open-minded but then to see

but I’m feeling stronger. It’s all about self love and self appreciation and

her have all these limited views was quite eye-opening.

acknowledgement are huge, its hugely important for me and for my journey.

I had to learn to accept myself

I’m Scared of Being Disowned

Ramin

20 • He/Him • Azerbaijan

I’m proudly a gay man, I go by He/Him, but it was hard to get to this point, Growing up in Azerbaijan gave me so much It is a lot easier to be yourself

There was a scandal with my father where I accidentally sent him a picture

here, where I come from it’s against people’s religion to be gay, so you

with my nail extensions in and I was worried it would be a big thing but he

can’t wear makeup, you can’t wear the outfits you want, you cant have

eventually forgot so I pray that one day they will be more accepting. I don’t

nails but here people are a lot more open-minded so you can go out into

think they’ll ever be supportive but I just hope that they can learn to live

the streets without the fear of anyone attacking you or anyone yelling slurs

with it.

anything bad happening to you. The majority of the time it’s positive when I’m in the UK, people encourage [me]and all of my friends here are so

I used to hate the idea of being gay, I had a lot of internalised homophobia,

supportive.

if I ever saw anyone who was gay or someone who was really flamboyant I would just think about how I never wanted to be like that - it used to gross

When I moved here I was able to start dating people, that was a big

me out as a kid. Being from a Muslim household made me force myself to

change. I could be open about who I wanted to be with and I started

be straight, everything is so anti-gay. I would trick myself into thinking I was

expressing myself more. I would wear what I wanted, go to places that I

bisexual so I wouldn’t have to face the consequences of being gay.

wanted, find other gay people that I could talk to and experience the same things with. It makes it feel a lot more welcoming. When it comes to my

Moving out of my country to here has finally led me to feel accepted, not

family though its always going to be different, they come from an extremely

only by myself but by all my friends and the people I have met here. If I

religious background and are extremely anti-gay so if they ever found out

never moved here I don’t think I would have ever accepted myself. I would

that I dressed like a woman or saw my makeup then I know they’re going

still be ‘praying the gay away’, I would still be hating myself. I didn’t start

to be against it, and I’m scared of being disowned.

loving myself until I moved to the UK.

Rose

21 • She/They • Wales/St. Vincent

My sexuality hasn’t really been at odds with my family because I don’t really interact with either side of my family all that much, I’m not necessarily out to either side of my family either so their opinions have never really affected how I view myself. Growing up for me was alright, my mum was

I know my dad is slightly homophobic, and I know it’s still illegal to be gay

pretty supportive, same with my friends. I wasn’t really out until I was in

in St. Vincent, like I know he’s okay with gay people but he still has some

sixth form, I think I was about 17 and there wasn’t much of a negative

of those prejudices, blames it on religion, he doesn’t fully agree with it.

reaction from other people.

Despite all that I do feel accepted but accepting myself is a maybe, in terms of sexuality that’s a yes, but gender identity is an iffy one because I

Being bisexual makes you feel kinda invisible, I’ve never been in an

still feel like I’m figuring it out, like right now I would say that I was a Demi-

open queer presenting relationship, so I’ve never experienced a lot of

Girl, I think? But Bisexuality is the one where I know I’m comfortable. When

the discrimination that comes with it, but I’ve seen it from other people’s

I figured that out and I just said “oh, I’m Bi”, it was like yeah that makes so

perspectives of me and how they’ve dealt with it.

much more sense than me being fully straight or fully gay.

Being bisexual makes you feel kinda invisible

I unapologetically take up space

tara

23 • They/She • Wales/United States

Oh my god. Before I even knew I was queer I knew I was black, and

The reason I moved to Cardiff was because I knew in Pembrokeshire I

because of that and because of the lack of representation, that was the

wasn’t going to grow anymore, I’ve lived here for three years now and

first thing I had to overcome before I came over my queerness. I had to

I feel like I’ve really found myself and found my gender identity, I found

know my place as someone who was in a predominantly white school

my sexuality, I’ve found my person, so moving away was fundamental to

that grew up without knowing their grandparents or experiencing parts of

becoming the Tara I am today.

their culture. I had to overcome that first before I knew I was queer… But I always knew I was queer, like deep down, but I had to address the colour

I knew that the idea of becoming the laughing stock to fit in would be the

of my skin first before anything else.

only way to fit in, so I really had to thrive in conditions where I was the token black person, it would be the only way I would get the attention I

I didn’t even come out until my first year of Uni, I came out as bisexual

would deserve, but I feel like I lost myself in that sense of trying to fit in,

first and I was really sold that it was because of the experiences I’ve had

that I couldn’t actually show them what I wanted to show them, I was too

with cis and trans men and then I met my girlfriend, Jenny, and I really

busy trying to be different. I’ve lost friends, I had one who moved from

understood that Oh my God, no, I’ve only been conditioned to think like

England to Wales, I remember him ringing me up asking me if he had

this, I actually don’t even want to be around Men, I pride myself on how

permission to say the N-word, it felt like a movie, it was a pivotal moment

queer my friends are because I feel like? Straight men? They’re a different

for me where I realised people won’t accept me regardless of what I do

breed! I don’t particularly feel safe around them.

and what I say.

Me growing up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, I copped on

I unapologetically take up space, I’ve planted my roots and I’m reaping

rather quickly that I was different and I was treated as such, but no one

what I sew, I feel like I will never be 100% Tara because Tara is 100%

really understood, no one really understood that they were being a bit of a

Evergrowing, Everchanging, Everlasting so I feel like I am on a road to

bastard towards me and my younger brother but they know they’re doing

recovery and I love myself more than I love anyone else.

wrong, but everyone did it.

Yemi

21 • They/Them • Barbados/United Kingdom

Growing up was interesting for me because I have four gay parents, I always had a big gay family. I had two mums and two dads. They were

Outside the home is a different story, obviously being a non-white queer

together. My mums are still together, they’re married now, but my dads no

person has had its challenges especially being a medical student, I

longer are. So I just grew up in a big gay household.

constantly feel outnumbered by everyone else but I like the perspective it brings to my life, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else, I wouldn’t want to

Everything has always been queer to me always, that was the norm for

grow up in any other family. I think queerness is always in my heart, I was

me, growing up inside this home has been great for me, it’s always been

destined to be like this and I’m really happy as the adult that I am, I’m

nurturing and I’ve always been able to be the person I want to be.

managing to be myself despite when it’s hard.

I think queerness is always in my heart