dedicated to all who helped make this to those featured, and those met along the journey to my friends and family who helped me to get to where i am come as you are, not as they want you
-p
Paris Tankard, 2022
Come As We Are (Not As They Want Us)
Abike
23 • She/Her • Nigeria
I grew up in a very Christian household. I didn’t start dating until I was 18
I don’t think my parents would be very accepting of me being queer but I
so it took a while for me to go through the process of dating and realising
am so there’s not much you can do about it. I used to have so much shame
that I wasn’t into men and that I was in fact, Queer. Growing up I thought
about it, I couldn’t tell people without bursting into tears. I remember
all the feelings I had were universal, I thought everyone thought Women
staying up one night trying to tell one of my closest friends, I couldn’t bring
were the more attractive option out of the human race. When I was given
myself to say the words, I was so distraught, I couldn’t stop crying. The
the space to explore my identity more, there was quite a bit of internal
only way I could tell them was through my tears getting the courage to play
struggle, being taught that being gay was wrong, I really struggled to
Diana Ross’ ‘I’m Coming Out’, she said it was ok and was asking me why
come to terms with my sexuality and what that meant whilst also being a
I was crying and it’s moments like that that make me realise I don’t have
Christian as well, for the longest time I thought the two were incompatible
to struggle on my own, I am who I am and people need to accept that.
and it really tormented me. I didn’t see how it was compatible to have
I’ve always been who I am and I’ve always been the same person and me
an all-loving God who created me in such a way that caused me to hate
recognising this doesn’t change anything about me - it just allows me to
myself or to change, there was no way for me to change so I now believe
love me and love other people more holistically.
that the way I am isn’t something to fight or a sin because how could there be a sin in loving someone. It’s taken me a while to get to that point. I’m so
Moving away has really helped me with this process, Cardiff has a really
disconnected from my old life growing up in London, I don’t think I would
accepting LGBT Community and that’s really helped me in recognising
have had the freedom I have now if I stayed there. I would have to go to
myself. It only strengthened my ideas around my identity. I really value
church every Sunday and we were always told negative things about the
the love and the peace and acceptance that is a part of my life now, it’s
Gay community or the Trans community, they said that they would be
something I want to protect and it’s not something that I’m keen to share
accepted into the church but only if they change who they are. If I stayed
with people who don’t share those values. Sometimes I still feel like I’m
I feel like its something I felt I would have had to change - I remember at
leading a double life, I had my life in Cardiff where I could be out and
one point when I was back in London, I had these feelings for women that
happy and then I would visit family and I would have to pack that away,
I did for men and I thought that I should tell someone in the church. I never
it’s only recently where I’ve been able to come out of my shell with friends
did and I’m very glad that I didn’t, I don’t know how it would have been
in London - I do feel accepted by my friends and those close to me, but
received especially when I was trying to understand my own identity, I
so for long; part of me felt like, ‘cause I wasn’t out to everyone, it was like
would have had it shaped by someone else’s negative opinions. I came out
I was hiding. I’ve stopped seeing it as hiding and I’ve started seeing it as
to my sister last year, she’s the only person I’ve told, she said two things,
living without shame, I can love and accept myself wholly and not share all
‘I know’, and ‘You know this isn’t of God?’and as sad as I was to hear it, it
of myself with people who wouldn’t understand those parts of me. I’m still
didn’t knock my confidence. If this isn’t how God would want me then why
queer whether I tell people or not.
has God made me this way? There is no shame or sin in love.
There is no Shame or sin in love
Everyones just there to get their jush
Alia
21 • She/Her • Pakistan
Coming here, I remember seeing white people and thinking ‘wow’, it was a culture shock, then to go to school and get called things like a curry muncher and being called dirty because I was brown was a shocker to me, it made me observe white beauty in a toxic way, I was always umming and arring over it and I remember wanting blue eyes, blonde hair and fair skin. It’s like people just walked into a zoo, they wouldn’t do that to a cis woman, Telling my family I was trans was one of the hardest things of my life, I tried
it came with abuse but There are so many men in Cardiff that don’t like me,
coming out at 12 and just got shut down, my mum told me that the devil
they see me as a trick.
was in me and that everyone would hate me, scaring me with aids and that I would never see the end of it, that made me want to pray away my
They see being trans as something to be scared of, telling men, that has
femininity and all these feelings of becoming a woman. I honestly tried to
always been hard. If I go out with someone without telling them men would
do it. I ended up Self-harming for years. When I was 16, my father found
get angry, there’s been times where I’ve been locked in hotel rooms, I’ve
me with hair extensions and went crazy. He hit me. I ended up going to
been intimate with men and they’ve gotten pissed and end up raping
school with bruises across my body. I got taken into care after school and
me anyway, I’ve had knives pulled on me, I’ve been left in the middle of
kept getting moved around - after that my whole family disowned me, even
nowhere. I’m not forcing [my identity] down anyone’s throats but have
the ones in Pakistan. For them it was religion, it was wrong. Even here in
respect for me. I haven’t dated anyone for a year. Whenever I’ve walked
Cardiff, I feel like people are diverse but they look down at people in the
into rooms with men I’ve felt like they’re examined every attribute of my
LGBT community and like we’re going to die in hell. All my friends broke off
body, there’s immense pressure on me.
from me, I was shunned away from the mosques. Being a part of the Ballroom scene has made me shift my ideas and I remember one year in college my brother took a knife in with him which
instincts, being around other queer people has made me feel like I never
caused me to get separated from my family. I got sent to Llanelli, it was
have to worry about how deep my voice is or how broad my shoulders
super white welsh, there were no brown people, it was crazy. I understand I
are. Everyones just there to get their jush, I’ve loosened my standards
was being taken away to be free but it was a whole new set of eyes on me,
within myself because most women don’t even do that for themselves.
I remember being on the bus and speaking a different language and just
I’ve always felt like I’ve had to have a set of nails on for example, where
being outcasted, people looking at me funny, and just as I got comfortable I
most women wouldn’t care. I started seeing myself as two-spirited, before
got moved to Caerphilly and just being dragged all over Wales and seeing
colonisation people saw women like me as very different, there was no
everyone’s reactions to me not only being brown but being trans.
gender binary and I want to bring that back.
Davida
19 • She/They • Malawi
I feel like I’m still navigating the term Queer, I struggle between thinking I tend to think that I don’t think about being Queer a lot, I just think it’s part
if I’m obviously out to people, or am I not? I don’t know? It’s difficult and I
of my reality. When I came out to myself, which was the hardest part, I
know it is for a lot of Queer people, like I’m not out to my family because
constantly had to remind myself that I haven’t changed and that I’m just
they’re all very traditional African and all the kind of indications to that I’m
finding out new things about myself and that I’m uncovering new parts of
a Queer person to my family, like the way I dress, the bloody septum and
myself that I just used to obscure or force myself to hide from. I say I don’t
the bleached eyebrows? My mum loves it! She is so supportive of where I
think about it a lot but I do, I think about Queer relationships and how I
want to be in life and my vision but I feel like I will never get interpersonal
don’t think I could ever get married to a woman, at least if I ever wanted my
within my family, I don’t feel like I’ll ever get to a level where I can be my
family there.
true self with them because that part of my identity is too extreme or too taboo to have out in the open.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity in terms of my gender, I think about the Queerness of that and how difficult it is and now about how
In terms of outside my family, I am very proud to be a Queer person, I love
much joy I can find in it and I think I just haven’t found the community for
being Bi and I love the label Bi, I feel like it suits me - I’m someone who
me in London, which sounds stupid because there is a massive community
thrives in labels, I know some people don’t like the idea of being put in a
here. I’m happy where I am now and I’m happy with the questions I’m
box and that’s valid too, but it helps me navigate my experiences in a way
asking and the questions I’ve already answered for myself.
that I don’t feel like I would be able to without having the label.
I’m uncovering new parts of myself
I felt left out of social situations
Kay
20 • She/They • Egypt
My parents are quite transphobic and homophobic, they have traditional beliefs and it made it hard for me to accept myself because I knew I’d be a disappointment, or that’s what I thought at least, I haven’t properly come
Knowing that the majority of people around me were straight, it always
out to them but I do plan to in the future but I know I’ll have to try and
made me feel like me being gay was just another thing for me to be made
explain everything to them because I want them to learn and that’s really
fun of or to be ganged up on. I felt left out of social situations - I thought if I
scary to me.
could suppress it that I could be normal. Now I don’t associate myself with anyone who is against people like me. If someone is naive or just doesn’t
A lot of my old friends would make homophobic jokes and make jokes
know then I am more than willing to sit down with them and explain [my
about my race, coming out to them was obviously scary but they eventually
identity] to them.
came around. I know now that these aren’t people that I’d be friends with, but in the past when I started exploring my identity, they were the kind of
My parents make fun of the idea of being trans and I hear them making
people that wouldn’t speak about it positively, it was so normalised that
jokes often which obviously I hate and that’s making it so much harder for
they made me feel like if I did end up being who I am now, that I would
me to come out to them - I know they’re going to be so disappointed but
somehow be lower than them - obviously I don’t believe that now but it was
it’s not something to be disappointed about. It’s a them thing not a me thing
a strong fear when I was younger.
and I try so hard to not let it affect me.
Marz
18 • They/She • United States
I’m Non-Binary but honestly, I’m an ethereal being. The reason I use They/ She pronouns though is because I have the physical body of a woman and I have lived that experience but I feel like I’m more than just that, that’s where the They come from. We’re just energy souls that have come to live the human experience.
I never had any problems with my friends, I’ve always surrounded myself with queer people so its been super easy, family on the other hand generlly accepted me however… old minds don’t understand, it’s hard for them to comprehend. When I told my mum she sat there and cried saying “I’m crying over the death of my daughter”. Like girl please? You’re doing the most? I had to learn to accept myself and that being enough and being in
Growing up in the UK I feel like it was a positive for me, because this is
my own power was enough, that just brought this learned confidence of
where I met all my Queer brothers and sisters, it nurtured that side of me
I am who I am and that’s it. In my community I feel like being Non-Binary
definitely. I would have had a very confusing time growing up in Houston,
was never really an option, like I’m originally from Texas and all my family
I feel like it would have been worse. Being who I am is not a thing there.
over there have have extremely outdated views, like just to be gay was
I’m happy I grew up here. I feel accepted in myself. There is so much self
kind of a big thing. It was never an option which gave me a feeling of
doubt when it comes to gender identity but I feel accepted by myself and
imposter syndrome because I felt like it could never be me. It was never
that’s a huge start and I feel the same with my community that I’m building
nurtured in my family. I had a struggle opening up to my mother about all of
around myself. I’m definitely still learning. This is all such a process,
this because in my head she was always so open-minded but then to see
but I’m feeling stronger. It’s all about self love and self appreciation and
her have all these limited views was quite eye-opening.
acknowledgement are huge, its hugely important for me and for my journey.
I had to learn to accept myself
I’m Scared of Being Disowned
Ramin
20 • He/Him • Azerbaijan
I’m proudly a gay man, I go by He/Him, but it was hard to get to this point, Growing up in Azerbaijan gave me so much It is a lot easier to be yourself
There was a scandal with my father where I accidentally sent him a picture
here, where I come from it’s against people’s religion to be gay, so you
with my nail extensions in and I was worried it would be a big thing but he
can’t wear makeup, you can’t wear the outfits you want, you cant have
eventually forgot so I pray that one day they will be more accepting. I don’t
nails but here people are a lot more open-minded so you can go out into
think they’ll ever be supportive but I just hope that they can learn to live
the streets without the fear of anyone attacking you or anyone yelling slurs
with it.
anything bad happening to you. The majority of the time it’s positive when I’m in the UK, people encourage [me]and all of my friends here are so
I used to hate the idea of being gay, I had a lot of internalised homophobia,
supportive.
if I ever saw anyone who was gay or someone who was really flamboyant I would just think about how I never wanted to be like that - it used to gross
When I moved here I was able to start dating people, that was a big
me out as a kid. Being from a Muslim household made me force myself to
change. I could be open about who I wanted to be with and I started
be straight, everything is so anti-gay. I would trick myself into thinking I was
expressing myself more. I would wear what I wanted, go to places that I
bisexual so I wouldn’t have to face the consequences of being gay.
wanted, find other gay people that I could talk to and experience the same things with. It makes it feel a lot more welcoming. When it comes to my
Moving out of my country to here has finally led me to feel accepted, not
family though its always going to be different, they come from an extremely
only by myself but by all my friends and the people I have met here. If I
religious background and are extremely anti-gay so if they ever found out
never moved here I don’t think I would have ever accepted myself. I would
that I dressed like a woman or saw my makeup then I know they’re going
still be ‘praying the gay away’, I would still be hating myself. I didn’t start
to be against it, and I’m scared of being disowned.
loving myself until I moved to the UK.
Rose
21 • She/They • Wales/St. Vincent
My sexuality hasn’t really been at odds with my family because I don’t really interact with either side of my family all that much, I’m not necessarily out to either side of my family either so their opinions have never really affected how I view myself. Growing up for me was alright, my mum was
I know my dad is slightly homophobic, and I know it’s still illegal to be gay
pretty supportive, same with my friends. I wasn’t really out until I was in
in St. Vincent, like I know he’s okay with gay people but he still has some
sixth form, I think I was about 17 and there wasn’t much of a negative
of those prejudices, blames it on religion, he doesn’t fully agree with it.
reaction from other people.
Despite all that I do feel accepted but accepting myself is a maybe, in terms of sexuality that’s a yes, but gender identity is an iffy one because I
Being bisexual makes you feel kinda invisible, I’ve never been in an
still feel like I’m figuring it out, like right now I would say that I was a Demi-
open queer presenting relationship, so I’ve never experienced a lot of
Girl, I think? But Bisexuality is the one where I know I’m comfortable. When
the discrimination that comes with it, but I’ve seen it from other people’s
I figured that out and I just said “oh, I’m Bi”, it was like yeah that makes so
perspectives of me and how they’ve dealt with it.
much more sense than me being fully straight or fully gay.
Being bisexual makes you feel kinda invisible
I unapologetically take up space
tara
23 • They/She • Wales/United States
Oh my god. Before I even knew I was queer I knew I was black, and
The reason I moved to Cardiff was because I knew in Pembrokeshire I
because of that and because of the lack of representation, that was the
wasn’t going to grow anymore, I’ve lived here for three years now and
first thing I had to overcome before I came over my queerness. I had to
I feel like I’ve really found myself and found my gender identity, I found
know my place as someone who was in a predominantly white school
my sexuality, I’ve found my person, so moving away was fundamental to
that grew up without knowing their grandparents or experiencing parts of
becoming the Tara I am today.
their culture. I had to overcome that first before I knew I was queer… But I always knew I was queer, like deep down, but I had to address the colour
I knew that the idea of becoming the laughing stock to fit in would be the
of my skin first before anything else.
only way to fit in, so I really had to thrive in conditions where I was the token black person, it would be the only way I would get the attention I
I didn’t even come out until my first year of Uni, I came out as bisexual
would deserve, but I feel like I lost myself in that sense of trying to fit in,
first and I was really sold that it was because of the experiences I’ve had
that I couldn’t actually show them what I wanted to show them, I was too
with cis and trans men and then I met my girlfriend, Jenny, and I really
busy trying to be different. I’ve lost friends, I had one who moved from
understood that Oh my God, no, I’ve only been conditioned to think like
England to Wales, I remember him ringing me up asking me if he had
this, I actually don’t even want to be around Men, I pride myself on how
permission to say the N-word, it felt like a movie, it was a pivotal moment
queer my friends are because I feel like? Straight men? They’re a different
for me where I realised people won’t accept me regardless of what I do
breed! I don’t particularly feel safe around them.
and what I say.
Me growing up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, I copped on
I unapologetically take up space, I’ve planted my roots and I’m reaping
rather quickly that I was different and I was treated as such, but no one
what I sew, I feel like I will never be 100% Tara because Tara is 100%
really understood, no one really understood that they were being a bit of a
Evergrowing, Everchanging, Everlasting so I feel like I am on a road to
bastard towards me and my younger brother but they know they’re doing
recovery and I love myself more than I love anyone else.
wrong, but everyone did it.
Yemi
21 • They/Them • Barbados/United Kingdom
Growing up was interesting for me because I have four gay parents, I always had a big gay family. I had two mums and two dads. They were
Outside the home is a different story, obviously being a non-white queer
together. My mums are still together, they’re married now, but my dads no
person has had its challenges especially being a medical student, I
longer are. So I just grew up in a big gay household.
constantly feel outnumbered by everyone else but I like the perspective it brings to my life, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else, I wouldn’t want to
Everything has always been queer to me always, that was the norm for
grow up in any other family. I think queerness is always in my heart, I was
me, growing up inside this home has been great for me, it’s always been
destined to be like this and I’m really happy as the adult that I am, I’m
nurturing and I’ve always been able to be the person I want to be.
managing to be myself despite when it’s hard.
I think queerness is always in my heart