VOLUME 5: SUBLIME by UTS Vertigo

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SUBLIME

THERE’S NOTHING TO SAY by Zac Agius JESTER GORTEX by Augustine Flett

ATOMIC BI by Evlin DuBose

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Need a lawyer? The UTSSA Student Legal Service provides free and confidential legal advice for students.

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Acknowledgment of Country

The University of Technology Sydney would like to acknowledge the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation as the Traditional Custodians and Knowledge Keepers of the land on which UTS now stands, and pays respect to Elders past, present, and emerging. Maree Graham Deputy Director, Students, and Community Engagement Jumbunna Institute for Indigenous Education & Research

Vertigo would like to extend a personal acknowledgement to the Traditional Custodians and Knowledge Keepers of the land on which we lived and worked as editors and designers during the creation of this magazine. We pay respect to Elders past, present, and emerging, and extend this respect to any First Nations’ people reading this volume. As students, we must acknowledge the Indigenous contributions to academia that have enriched our understanding of Australian history and culture. We exist on stolen land, and recognise that sovereignty has never been ceded.

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Hannah Bailey and Alice Winn would like to acknowledge the Garigal and Dharug people of the Guringai Nation Erin Ewen would like to acknowledge the Garigal and Caregal people of the Eora Nation. Mauli Fernando would like to acknowledge the Dharug people of the Eora Nation

Angela Jin and Rachel Percival would like to acknowledge the Wallumedegal/Wallumettagal people of the Eora Nation. Sevin Pakbaz and Katherine Zhang would like to acknowledge the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation.

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Tara Frawley would like to acknowledge the Bidjigal and Gweagal people of the Eora Nation.

If it is within your means, please consider donating to an Indigenous organisation such as: Blak Business — “Bringing together information, knowledge and resources to facilitate broader learning and discussion about Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander topics.” IndigenousX — Indigenous media organisation Seed — Fighting for climate justice Black Rainbow — Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Sistergirl and Brotherboy (LGBQTI+SB) Organisation ANTaR — Advocacy organisation dedicated to justice, rights and respect for Australia’s First Peoples Find more here:

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EDITORS’ LETTER Dear Vertigo readers, As we ricochet between falling back into the routine of uni and reminiscing about the lazy days of our lockdown break, the daze and the dazzle can distract us. As we are too busy complaining about our increasing workload, and how we definitely would’ve been more productive if the holidays were longer, we forget that spring approaches us with its promising long, warm days. And even as we remember our last summer, lost to the pandemic, we should not underestimate the power of tomorrow. Better days are coming. The previous Vertigo issues have been somewhat... heavy — we know that. As each magazine is edited and refined over and over again, it can be a lot for us as well. Not that we’re complaining, it’s our job to keep it real with you. And reality has often been far from a fairytale. However, our penultimate volume, Sublime, is our little way of bringing about a breath of fresh air before leaving with a bang. With the snap lockdown, and increasing number of cases, hopes of printing our recent issues and showcasing a booming exhibition were diminished. Nevertheless, the vibes don’t stop. What’s wrong with looking on the bright side? The clouds are going to be less grey in the upcoming months. OUR FAVOURITE PICKUP LINES

Thus, consider this our love letter to you. A collection of beautiful things — a voyage into bliss. Let us flutter your heart and spark some serotonin (which we all may have been running low on recently). The best moments are captured here, from the world around us and within us; from soothing nostalgia to new romantics, and an appreciation for all things, big and small. We would once again like to thank our wonderfully talented contributors for illuminating what is precious and truly lovely. They really came through during the winter break and brought with them boundless fantasy and very real nuggets of hope. Sometimes, we take what we have for granted more often than we lament about what we lack. But who can blame us, amid tumultuous times, the impending doom of capitalist reign and the flawed construct of human nature itself? Despite this, we hope you will finish reading this zine feeling rather refreshed and, dare we say, optimistic about life and yourself. Only glass half-full sentiment is allowed here. Dear readers, we just kindly ask that you give yourself a break and relish in your good feels. Even if it’s for a moment. We don’t claim to be a cure, but a dopamine boost. It may just be a placebo, but who cares? Here’s the bittersweet thing about youth: it all counts. With love, The Editorial Team Alice, Angela, Erin, Hannah, Katherine, Mauli, Rachel, Sevin & Tara If your phone number was your bank account, how much money would you have? Hey, are you a model? No… Oh, why did you quit? I ought to complain to Spotify for not naming you this week’s hottest single I believe in following my dreams. Can I have your instagram? I know you’re vegan, but my meat ain’t got no substitute. Is it the WiFi? Or am I feeling a connection?

Illustration by Katherine Zhang

contents NON-FICTION IT’S NOT CORONA’S FAULT, YOUR QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS WAS UNAVOIDABLE Ella Smith SILICON VALLEY GIRL Alice Winn

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I TRIED ONLINE THERAPY AND IT ACTUALLY HELPED Erin Ewen

MUSIC IN MY MIND SINGING IT’S GONNA BE ALRIGHT Símran Parékh

ANDY SHAUF AND THE LAST STAND OF THE STUDIO ALBUM Joseph Hathaway-Wilson

ATOMIC BI Evlin DuBose

AMPLIFY THE CULTURE SHAKER CARVING A SPACE FOR CREATIVES OF COLOUR: MEET JAYYYSLAYS Sevin Pakbaz

A CONVERSATION WITH AMANDA WHITE, UTS SENIOR LECTURER Erin Ewen

CHALLENGING RACISM WITH COMEDY: THE FIRST-EVER UTS POC REVUE Hebah Ali

TOOTHACHE Tom Disalvo

THERE’S NOTHING TO SAY Zac Agius

A TIMELESS SPOTLIGHT Jeremy Fung

THE EXIT WOUND Christina Eastman

TIME IS ELASTIC Erin Ewen

HER EXALTED CREATION Samara Robertson

VIRIDESCENT Mauli Fernando

SHOWCASE FUCKING SUBLIME Julia Van Oppen

THE SUBLIME Jemma O’Connell

JESTER GORTEX Augustine Flett

OFF-HAND WITHIN THE PAGES: SUBLIME BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS UTS LitSoc

HOROSCOPES Sevin Pakbaz

SUBLIME PLAYLIST Lachie Davis

THE UNEXPECTED JOYS OF UNI The Vertigo Team

Vertigo’s Publication Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association (UTSSA), and proudly printed by SOS Printing, Alexandria. Content Warnings Vertigo readers should be advised that there are content warnings before relevant pieces. Please keep this in mind as you enjoy our magazine; your health and safety are important to us. Some articles and images contain themes or references to: alcohol, anxiety, blood, death, depression, discrimination, injury, mental ill-health, panic attacks, Queerphobia, racism, sexism, sexual references, trauma, violence and war. Contact the UTS Counselling Services on 9514 1177, or visit the UTS Counselling Services website to find out more and access the extensive online selfhelp resources.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, please consider speaking to your local GP, a healthcare professional, or calling one of the numbers below. Lifeline — 13 11 14 Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636 If you or someone you know is experiencing or has experienced sexual abuse, you can call or refer to the following confidential hotlines. General — 1800 737 732 Counselling — 1800 211 028 Crisis Centre — 1800 424 017 If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or child abuse, call or refer to the following 24/7 confidential free hotlines. Domestic Violence Line — 1800 656 463 NSW Child Protection Helpline — 13 21 11 If you are struggling with self-injurious behaviour, such as self-harming or an eating disorder, please reach out to the following: Butterfly Foundation — (02) 9412 4499 If you, or someone you know, is struggling with or has struggled with drug or alcohol abuse, please consider speaking to your local GP, a healthcare professional, or calling the numbers below. Alcohol and Other Drugs Information Service (ADIS) — 1800 250 015 NSW Quitline — 13 7848 (13 QUIT) Available Monday to Friday: 7 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. Available Saturday, Sunday and public holidays: 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Time Is El astic (pt. i)

words by Erin Ewen

Photographs by Rachel Percival

CW: Eco-anxiety Ready or not here I come. so ripe (when we are young) it bleeds from our fingertips. I’m still young, yet the art of play dries up in front of me every day.

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The User is Now Busy yet life feels absolutely endless. Maybe next year weeds will grow over the tarmac; dust will topple the skyscrapers water will flow freely. The demise of civilisation teaches us how to play again. Things grow because we plant them Things work because we build them. Nothing will move for a very long time. Only the beating sun to remind us that we are all alive. The elastic arms of Time will stretch around us warm, receiving, impossibly firm Where was I? Time will laugh, guttural I’ve been here all along.

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Time Is El astic (pt. ii)

Time flies when you’re having fun: But when I was seven, every day of summer sat unmoving in the shallow riverbed before my mucky feet. Time immemorial: At first, I didn’t understand how we moved so fast and so slow all at once until I was flying down that dirt road and lost my balance. I slid over that gravel like a little fish on ice, as it tore my knees apart. (The jacarandas are opening. It’s almost my birthday)

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Time is of the essence: I pulled myself over that cattle grate and crawled. Past the hibiscus in the driveway to my mother into my second life, where time became incredulous to me. Here we go again: A swift, cool breeze, the lizard detaches its tail. How we shriek with excitement. Forever and a day spent: killing time I guess, it all comes a little too late. Time is money: Excuse me, do you have it? No (Sorry) I guess we are out.

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The Sublime

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Words & Art by Jemma O'Connell

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Stillness isn’t something that is easily found in cities; certainly not in Sydney, for me at least. Neither is humility. Cities give us an inflated sense of importance and significance. They exist only by the hands of people. They are carved, built, and manufactured to suit our needs. In effect, they reflect our own significance. We are therefore, naturally, more inclined to think the world revolves around us, because cities actually do. They're wonderful places, don’t get me wrong. This piece is not a critique of cities, but rather a reflection on how surrounding yourself in natural creation encourages humility. What can humble someone more than standing amidst beauty not crafted by human hands? Looking up at mountains that seem to reach the sky and beyond, while they stare down at us. As Alain De Botton explores in his book The Art of Travel, sublime landscapes have this ability to gently remind us of our frailty, in a way that doesn’t cause offence. They humble us to consider that we are not grand in the same way they are. After all, they have stood for centuries, and will continue to for centuries more. Can anyone say the same for themselves?

I think back to the time when I stood looking out to the mountains of Milford Sound. I was in awe. It was the type of beauty not just seen, but felt, where you can’t digest the magnitude of what stands before you. They were as magnificently large as I was small. Imagine the stories that these mountains could tell, the worlds they have seen come and go. I stood a mere dot in comparison and yet I was blissfully overjoyed. They did not repeat back to me the importance of myself, but rather boasted their own grandness. This remains one of my truest experiences of the sublime — grand, natural landscapes. Not just for the way they looked, but for the way they made me feel — humbled. These collages act as a personal memory bank that recollects my relationship with creation, and in a way, my experience with the sublime. I wanted to capture these memories that mesh together in my mind with exploding colours, textures, fragments of images, and fleeting feelings. These collages aim to encapsulate the awe and wonder I felt when I stood beneath these mountains.

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TOOTHACHE BY TOM DISALVO

think of that ice cream as fruit-scooped moons zest of frozen lemon, flesh of icy melon; shared on entwining spoons. cream gleams in sun reflects, on melting mirrors glistening grins and sorbet-sopped chins.

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spoon in your mouth dangles from smiley crevasses we share it then, aeroplane mouthfuls and ‘choo-choo’ chews. toppings, too we count 100’s and 1000’s, sift through coconut crumbs. we leave melted trails, to dribble off our heels like Hansel and Gretel, we scatter waffle petals, en-route to gingerbread homes. relish in pulpy treats, savour life’s confection! squeezed from sugary adventures; the nectar of this love!

Illustration by Katherine Zhang

afterwards, we sprawl on creamy sheets, blow each other’s raspberries I kiss your plump tummy. we lay under vanilla clouds, dreaming of ice cream castles. but there’s danger to sweet teeth hear my mother’s prophesy:

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you’ll be sick! she yells it, poolside, as sugar precedes quease — the flush-pink unease: one too many spoonfuls. it tastes different now, curdles on my tongue: not lovers, but gluttons. I heave, it gleams — it makes me hungry again.

Challlenging Racism Cha with Comed y

AMPLIFY

by Hebah Ali CW: Sexism, racism, discrimination

UTS PoC Revue team Photograph by Sevin Pakbaz

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“PoCRevue is the safe space thatjust keeps giving.”

I was initially introduced to revue through the UTS Comedy, Revue and Performance (CRAP) Society when I bought a ticket to their 2018 show, Burn Book. Not knowing what to expect, I was surprised by the sketch comedy format accompanied by witty and vibrant musical numbers, parodying everyone’s favourite songs. I remember leaving the show feeling so inspired and impressed by what a group of uni students had created so successfully. Then in 2019, one of my friends was cast in Queer Revue, another incredibly hilarious show, which I got to see the behind the scenes of as a stage hand. It was after this that I realised revue could be something I could become involved in, so I joined the writers team for the Netflix Original Revue — which also became a memorable show for everyone who saw it.

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2021, so far, has been a year of firsts. For me, it has been my first year out of university, I’ve gotten my first big jobs in the entertainment industry, and I’m directing UTS’s first ever People of Colour (PoC) Revue with my good friend, Ping!

At the crux of all of these shows, it was a space for young people to express themselves creatively and make connections with other like-minded students. My experience being involved on the outskirts of all these shows were so positive, but I was always so mindful of the lack of diversity in revue. It was then that I decided I wanted to carve a space for PoC performers, creatives and stories in UTS’s first PoC Revue — a show that has been long overdue. My co-director, Ping, and I really feel like we’ve found such a special family in our cast and crew of twenty-five whacky, witty, and wonderful people. Seeing everyone openly explore and invest themselves into the show has been the best part of directing for me. To see the spark of a wild idea become a sketch, or to see the love and support that ebbs and flows between the cast, watching this small idea for a show become a bigger project we’re all contributing to, confirms my belief of carving out a space for communities to thrive unapologetically.

“The very nature of a university revue is absolutely insane. A comedic, theatrical production is sewn together with human power and creative collaboration, all sprouting from a blank slate that is full of tight deadlines. Now, add in the challenges of a lockdown and the pressure of an identity revue that is a UTS first, there’s a lot going on. In saying that, I have to admit that this entire journey, so far, has been nothing short of rewarding. The people that I’ve had the great privilege to work with — cast and crew — are talented beyond belief. Through hard times, we’ve banded together and come out stronger. I’m excited about the space we’re building and I hope that this project encourages more people of color to enter theatre spaces in the future. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, ‘You must be the change you wish to see in the world.’” — Ping Sheng, Co-Director

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“When I learned that UTS was to have its very first PoC Revue, I was elated at the thought of such a project built by people of colour, for people of colour. I knew it was something that I needed to keep my eye on and eventually buy a ticket to; I never expected the opportunity to actually join such a talented and loving cast and crew. Yet, here I am, as one of the producers, able to call these immensely funny creatives my peers and new friends. Theatre, and the culture surrounding it, is so inherently middle-class and white — it’s never stopped me from enjoying a show but that thought lingers nonetheless. Sometimes I’ll see any person of colour involved in a production and deeply admire them, lauding them for their bravery to not only buck a more traditional career path, but also to work in a white-dominated industry. I can’t find the words to express how delighted and proud I am of the nearly thirty people who’ve come aboard the first ever UTS PoC Revue. Their spirit and determination are so inspiring, I can only hope that this energy will carry on to all UTS PoC Revues in the years to come.” — Angela Jin, Co-Producer

“UTS PoC Revue is the first time I’ve found myself completely immersed in political, emotional, and of course, comedic conversations about the ethnic experience. It continually amazes me how much the personal battles and pride surrounding the cultural identities of my fellow cast and crew members also resonate deeply within myself, no matter which corner of the world we have hailed from. Despite being a complete stranger, the beautiful people involved in this show have shown me the highest level of compassion and understanding that forms the hallmark of the shared experience of second generation migrants growing up in Australia. Also, everyone’s just really funny.” — Binita Shah, Costume Designer & Cast Member

“PoC Revue is the safe space that just keeps giving. Intimate conversations and silly accents, all with an underlying sense of mutual understanding is the package deal. I hold this experience and these people close to my heart.” — Sara Chaturvedi, Cast Member

“As a first-year university student, I can say PoC Revue is love, empowerment, acceptance, and just a whole lot of fun. This opportunity has been one of a kind, and the experiences I’ve had will be forever cherished. However, the true beauty of PoC Revue lies within all the amazing individuals whom I get to work beside. PoC Revue means creating a safe, loving, and caring community that brings us together, empowers us, and makes us proud of our rich cultures and heritage.” — Adi Rao, Vocal Director & Cast Member

At this point of the production, we have reached a few speed bumps; our show has been halted by another lockdown so lots of us are catching up over writers meetings — held over Zoom where we brainstorm and write sketches. Amidst all the chaos and uncertainty, everyone remains dedicated and committed to putting on a wildly funny show. We can’t wait for everyone to join us in our November performance dates to witness the fruits of our labour!

Brekkie & Dinner On Us! The UTSSA runs Bluebird brekkie and Night Owl noodles, right in the heart of UTS.

Silicon Valley Girlby Alice Winn

How Tech Central Will Give Sydney a First-Rate Status for Innovation

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Disclaimer: Please note, this piece leans towards capitalism in its examination of success and innovation. Yes, it's fuck capitalism. But it's also recognising you're the child of immigrant parents. Silicon Valley. You may have heard of it before. For those of you who haven’t, or have but aren't completely sure what it is, let me give you some context. Silicon Valley is in the southern San Francisco Bay Area in California. However, it’s not an area that is easily defined by any geographical means. If you want to picture it quantitatively, in 2015, MIT professors Scott Stern and Jorge Guzman attempted to define it via heat maps in Science Magazine.1 But trust me, Silicon Valley is a whole living, breathing, complex ecosystem defined more by its components and how they interact with each other than anything else.

So how does it relate to you — the you on the other side of the world? Well, when you scroll through your camera roll, Google your deepest concerns on Incognito, or stalk your crush on social media, do you ever think about how your life came to be this way? Probably not much, right? At least not much beyond, Damn… technology’s wild. Thousands of tech startups and giants like Google, Apple, Intel, Facebook, Tesla, and more call Silicon Valley home. So in a sense, it’s definitely the ‘room where it happens’. But unless you’re a hobbyist, entrepreneur, or an overachieving science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM) student, you most likely aren’t keeping up with the tech startup industry or entrepreneurial ecosystem. I’m about to tell you why you probably should, regardless of what you’re studying or where you’re working right now. As students of UTS, you might be oblivious to the fact that our campus is going to be in the heart of Tech Central — the future of innovation and technology, right here in Sydney, aiming to rival the likes of Silicon Valley. The NSW Government plans to provide 250,000m2 of office space from Central to Camperdown, including 50,000m2 at affordable rates for startups and scale-ups.

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Now that’s pretty cool, right? It'll influence the future of work and workplace for nearly everyone, as Tech Central will pioneer the incorporation of technology and innovation into all aspects of Australian lifestyles, and eventually the world. The Government’s partnership with NTT to guide the precinct into becoming a ‘smart’ city is already underway.

What does this mean for you? The long-term goal for Tech Central is to provide 25,000 innovation jobs and access to over 160,000 NSW STEM students, boosting NSW’s economic recovery from COVID-19 and solidifying its position as a leader in: • Fintech, Cyber and e-Health • Digital and deep technology, including quantum, blockchain, artificial intelligence (AI), robotics, the Internet of Things (IoT) and analytics • Creative industries, including VR and game design (NSW Government, 2020)

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A funding package of $48.2 million has been allocated by the government to launch development alongside big names; e.g. Atlassian is to become the anchor tenant and Japan’s NTT has agreed to bring its advanced IT expertise to the project.

Even if you’re not a STEM student, innovation and creative intelligence are things anyone can get into. By the time Tech Central is fully developed, there will be a large number of jobs available that don’t even exist right now. And that’ll only continue to grow faster as Sydney’s 24-hour economy strengthens and we become a major player in the global scene. What career are you getting into? Law? Design? IT? Health? There will be a role for most disciplines. But I’m not necessarily telling you to work for Tech Central, I’m telling you how it can work for you. Once you enter the workforce, you’ll most likely be gaining transdisciplinary skills that can be applied across several industries. You can then start your own business, join a team, or apply the skills you’ve gained towards initiating change.

It’ll be home to the Sydney Quantum Academy, future Space Industry Hub, and a variety of cultureand heritage-enriching sites. In addition to office space, Central Place Sydney, a $2.5 billion project, will be two tech-focused towers of up to 39 levels; the development will consist of 100% renewable energy, touchless entry, and a closed-cavity façade system powered by AI and solar energy (Property Australia, 2020).

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But whatever you choose to do, it’ll probably be impacted by the pace of innovation at the time. So stay agile, in tune, and keep an eye out. Universities are going to work in collaboration with Tech Central’s development to nurture and retain local talent. That talent is you (international students included!) Our former UTS Vice Chancellor, Attila Brungs, is on the Industry Advisory Team to ensure this cooperation is successful. But beyond being an asset to the economy, there’s a bigger role you can play. Our generation isn’t just concerned about economic recovery; we’re also driven about fighting against climate change, rallying for race and gender equality, and promoting visibility for marginalised communities, at least, more than the current policy makers. In a place bound to shape the future, why not take the initiative to help steer where that goes? Why not use our privilege to nurture its development; to give voice and agency to those that lack the same opportunity? There are a lot of important stakeholders who do not have enough influence in the Tech Central conversation; the local Indigenous community, the Gadigal people, are a prime example. Right now, there’s a huge emphasis on tech development (if you haven’t already noticed) and on STEM students. As an engineering student, I guess I understand why we’re wanted. But as a multidisciplinary student and an editor of Vertigo, I’m exposed to so many talented and forwardthinking individuals that I think industry persons are often blind to or take for granted. So, I’m encouraging you to be proactive and take the step that’s needed. Even amid the pandemic, there are so many amazing ideas and projects in motion that address social issues and elevate society’s values. These ecological startups, scale-ups, creative design-based business models, and educational platforms exist beyond just gaining a buck, but they lack the same support and outreach of moneymaking software products in both the public and private sectors. The current narrative hardly includes them in the picture. But we have the power to change that.

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Silicon Valley is undeniably the gold standard in today’s scene. Startup Genome, an organisation that measures the quality of entrepreneurial ecosystems around the world, literally rates them against Silicon Valley as the benchmark. Sydney was ranked 27th in their 2020 Global Report,2 which may seem pretty good but actually reflects our infancy in comparison to the top five ecosystems. Sydney’s ecosystem is still in the process of being defined; thus, we don’t have to be complacent. We don’t have to be the ‘next’ Facebook or Google, because we can be better. Tech Central is our gateway to socioeconomic enrichment and our chance to shape the future how we see fit.

1. Stern, S., & Guzman, J. (2014). Silicon Valley [Map].

2. Gauthier, J. F., Penzel, M., Keuster, S., Morelix, A., & Rozynek, M. (2020). The Global Startup Ecosystem Report 2020. Startup Genome.

IT’S NOT CORONA’S FAULT, YOUR QUATER-LIFE CRISIS WAS UNAVOIDABLE by Ella Smith CW: Anxiety

One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.” — Sylvia Plath Plath wrote this in 1963 in her only novel, The Bell Jar. She wrote the book under a pseudonym and it’s regarded as a semiautobiographical account of her descent into mental illness. I haven’t read this book. I have never read anything by Sylvia Plath. In fact, I came across this quote on TikTok. I’m sure that admission says a lot about the intersection between social media, Millenials, and the romanticisation of the past, but that’s a discussion for another time. Still, this quote floored me. For much of the past eighteen months, I had been stuck in a funk. I’d begun 2020 with high hopes, only to descend into stress about gaining internships that I told myself were vital in order to get my dream job. What was that dream job you ask? I have no idea, and I never did. Then COVID-19 spread its infectious limbs around the world and we entered our first lockdown. Since then, through the fortune of JobKeeper, the highs and lows of Zoom tutorials, the bliss of

Spring’s arrival, a particularly challenging self-isolation stint over Christmas and the continued rollercoaster of 2021 (hello there, Delta strain), I couldn’t shake this feeling of stasis. It makes sense, right? We are literally stuck at home, unable to leave the country, the state, and at times, our own homes – of course, I was bound to feel trapped. The dread I felt about internships was soon overshadowed by unshakeable concern about the state of the world and the length of this pandemic. This feeling has been internalised by so many of us, and for me, it manifested in an inescapable feeling of uncertainty about my life – my degree, my job, my opportunities, my living situation, my long-term relationship. The latter, sadly, did not withstand such uncertainty. I realised that I had pinned my hopes on some elusive transformation that I had anticipated would happen in my 22nd year. I never knew how this transformation would materialise, but realising that it had seemingly been halted was terrifying.

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“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked.

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.” Ouch, Syliva. The feeling I had experienced for much of 2020, and into 2021 is encapsulated perfectly in this passage. The deep uncertainty about what path to take, coupled with full awareness of how many opportunities are available, was only intensified by the passing of time. In a way, It’s deeply comforting to know that this experience is universal, transcending eras.

Online articles definitely think so. In writing this piece (and in my post-breakup quest for self-improvement), I scrolled through many articles describing the clusterfuck that is this decade of our lives. Our twenties are meant to be awkward and uncertain. We’re supposed to feel lonely. Scared. Lost. Interestingly, the messaging was similar across pre-COVID pieces, and the ones that had been published recently. It’s nice knowing that things were always going to be a little strange. The strangest part for me happened 18 months into the pandemic. A feeling started bubbling and brewing inside me a few weeks ago and now has completely overtaken that stagnant funk I was in for so long. It was excitement. Ironic, isn’t it? Over a year into the pandemic, in the depths of winter, grieving the end of a five-year relationship and looking down the barrel of another lockdown in an all-female family household, and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with excitement for what life has to offer. Have I potentially lost the plot? Maybe, but trust me when I say it feels good.

Illustration by Katherine Zhang

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I’ve been reflecting a lot on this feeling, and I’ve come to the conclusion COVID-19 has very little to do with it. In fact, I think that the stress about the pandemic and the tangential anxieties of border closures, vaccine rollouts and financial security, have actually distracted me from a whole array of weird and wonderful things that would have happened regardless. Everyone says your early 20s (and mid, and late 20s) are weird, right?

Of course, I haven’t been blinded by optimism. The pendulum of emotions invariably swings to uncertainty, sadness, and despair, particularly when scrolling the rabbit-hole of Seek, or looking through old photos.

What I’m trying to say is, we are still so young. Our lives were bound to go through highs and lows and flip upside down, irrespective of if there’s a virus spreading around the world, granted, that doesn’t help.

But now, it seems there’s a kinetic energy inside me that has been pent up for too long and is ready to break out. Of course, the release of this energy doesn’t have to mean breaking up with your high school boyfriend and planning to go and work on superyachts after graduation. For some of us, getting into a dream grad program or finally moving out of home will fill our cups. For others, simply staying put will also provide that fulfilment.

But, as the older generations (and some Instagram quotes) say, your 20s are for being selfish. For getting lost in the pursuit of finding yourself, your passions and purpose. They’re for coming out the other side with a few good stories and a better grasp on your identity. Some people have already done this. Some people feel like they don’t have to. Good for them, really. I haven’t figured it out yet. It’s going to be a tough, hilarious, heartbreaking, wonderful ride.

Plath felt the same. On the page after the famous Fig Tree passage, her character eats a meal and her anxieties subside. She realises that she was hungry.

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To me, the end of university signifies a time where tough decisions and discussions are inevitable. I know I’m not alone. I have one friend who hastily signed up for a Masters at the end of last year only to discover halfway through that it wasn’t serving her and the path she was trying to forge – to the detriment of her bank account, her GPA and her wellbeing. Another has to weigh up the pursuit of a career in publishing and the pursuit of a longdistance relationship, strained under the stress of border closures. Another landed a well-paid, full-time job straight after university, but still questions whether she is doing enough.

I Tried Online Therapy and It Actually Helped by Erin Ewen

CW: Mental ill-health, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, injury

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Please note, I am not a mental health care professional. All views expressed are purely based on my personal experiences.

I’m afraid of going to therapy. There, I said it. I know that might seem like an irrational fear to have but I feel like one of the things they teach you in therapy is how to be honest with yourself. Clearly, I wouldn’t know. Recently, I’ve been contemplating going to therapy more than usual. It started with me struggling to keep up with the demands of full-time uni, part-time work, internships and a COVID-enforced long-distance relationship. Simple tasks I used to complete in the past without a second thought, were now throwing me through a loop. I was mentally fragile, emotionally shot and couldn’t sleep. I would lay awake at night listening to meditation podcasts, watching the hours tick by, feeling so frustrated with myself. Why aren’t you on my side anymore? I pleaded with my brain. It didn’t answer. Then one day, a friend suggested therapy. My default response was to brush it off and say, “Nah, I can handle it, really. It’s not that bad.” But to be honest, the thought of sitting in a room with a stranger and delving into the deepest and darkest part of my brain truly frightened me beyond words. I find it hard to talk about my emotions openly. I use dark humour and sarcasm to cover up my genuine feelings. Even writing this down makes me feel vulnerable and awkward, so please, bear with me.

Soon after, I had a particularly stressful day at work. A customer I was serving collapsed in front of me. I completely froze. Their friends yelled for someone to call an ambulance, so I grabbed my phone, dialled 000 and panicked through the prompts. “Ambulance, yes. Stroke, yes. Recovery position, yes.” After being told the paramedics were on their way, I tearfully handed the phone to my manager and asked to take five. By the time I made it to the bathrooms, I was in full-blown panic mode. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I could hardly breathe. It felt like I was swimming underwater. My eyes wouldn’t focus and all I could hear was air struggling to make it in and out of my lungs. I sat down on the concrete floor and curled into a ball. After a while, there was only one thought in my brain. Okay, maybe I should go to therapy.

“The energy you need to deal with it will be found through therapy,” my sister told me. It’s infuriating when you have to admit your older sibling is right. And yet, I stalled. I journaled, went on long walks, spoke to my partner and friends and slowly I began to feel better. Ha! You almost got me therapy! Not this time! (Please see above about using humour as a coping mechanism.) And yet, it happened again. This time, without a clear catalyst, the water I had been treading came up over my head and crashed, big time. But who was I actually going to talk to? It was 2.30 a.m on a Thursday and I was alone in my bedroom. Begrudgingly, I took out my phone and typed ‘mental health,’ into the app store. Hundreds of results popped up on my screen. There seemed to be an app for everything: online therapy and counselling, daily mood trackers, guided meditations, self-care focused therapy, and even AI-generated virtual pets you could take care of. It felt safe, and like a good place to start, so I pressed download on the top result, BetterHelp. I started answering the questions prompted by the app and many of my concerns

Then, it came to pay. Although it wasn’t as expensive as I thought ($90 AUD a week if you’re a student), the notion of $360 a month leaving my bank account stressed me out. After reading the FAQs and learning you could change counsellors or cancel your subscription at any time, with no reason, at the push of a button, I decided to finally say yes. I woke up to an email saying I had been matched with a counsellor based on my preferences. And just like that, the process began. I know it’s frustrating to hear, but the cliches are true. It’s not as scary as you think, or as hard or as awkward. If you’re matched with the right counsellor, all you need to do is show up, be willing, and they’ll take care of the rest. As I’ve only been attending sessions for a few weeks, I can’t offer a detailed review of the service, but what I can say is that, so far, so good. I chose to message my counsellor as my preferred method of communication, which has been a good option as someone who struggles to speak outwardly about their emotions. While this isn’t the lay-down-on-this-uncomfortable-leather-couchand-tell-me-about-your-mother kind of therapy I was sort of expecting, it’s working for me, and that’s what matters.

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After sharing this experience with my older sister, an avid therapy-goer and advocate, she told me she just couldn’t understand why I hadn’t gone already. But that was just it. I didn’t understand either. If I was having trouble understanding my own feelings, how could I explain them to someone else? What if my problems were actually just as big and as bad as they had grown to feel? Would going to therapy open a can of worms I just didn’t have the energy to deal with?

about starting therapy were immediately addressed. I could choose the things I wanted to focus on, the type of counsellor I wanted and even if they specialised in LGBTQI+ issues or not.

I recognise that accessing and paying for quality mental health care is an immense privilege, but I have realised that while I possess this privilege, it is not an excuse to ignore my mental health. If you’re contemplating therapy, whether that be online or in-person, I strongly suggest for you to explore what feels right. There is help out there. I’ve compiled a list of other online mental-health services you might like to try. I’ve included a range of free apps and subscription services. Please note, the following are not emergency services. If you’re struggling and need to talk to someone urgently, call Lifeline: 12 11 14, or Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800. In addition, if you’re struggling financially, check out the discounted services offered by UTS here: uts.edu.au/currentstudents/support/health-and-wellbeing/counselling-serviceand-self-help/how-our-counselling-services-work Also, if you speak to your GP about developing a mental health treatment plan, you will be entitled to claim up to 20 free sessions a year with a mental health professional. See here for more details: servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/subjects/ whats-covered-medicare/mental-health-care-and-medicare

Mindfulness and Meditation Headspace — Meditation and Sleep

ERIN EWEN

Calm — Meditate, Sleep, Relax The biggest pain point of this app is the paywalls. Almost everything valuable on this app sits behind one. While it is comparatively cheaper than lots of therapy options, I do think there are more accessible options for meditation and sleep features that are free to use. It does include a temporary 7-day free trial, but based on reading the reviews, it isn’t an easy process to cancel.

I’m a big fan of guided meditations as I find just being told to switch my mind off can be really difficult. The guided meditations give you a story to follow and the voice is relaxing, but not creepy. While there is a paid version, I’ve just been using the free features. I found the best feature to be the calming sleep exercises, so if you struggle with sleep and turning your mind off when you go to bed, I would recommend checking it out.

Insight Timer — Meditation, Sleep, Music If you’re not a fan of guided meditation, this might be the app for you. Many of the exercices are tailored to increase focus while meditating and you can customise the sound and music it plays, including heaps of differnt beautiful nature sounds. It also has regular and free live yoga sessions!

Other apps to help with focus and sensory overload: 28

Promoted Journal This might be the best find of the whole list. Firstly, no ads… as in 100% ad-free, legit! Journaling helps get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. After journaling, I tend to feel much lighter mentally and usually more motivated to tackle my to-do list. The prompts only repeat every 4 months or so, depending on how often you use the app. You can also set reminders on the app so you’re prompted to journal at a specific time of day. I would seriously recommend this app if you’re thinking about getting into journaling or enjoy writing down your thoughts for clarity.

Online Counseling and Therapy

BetterHelp: Online Counseling & Therapy

InnerHour Self-Care Therapy: Anxiety and Depression

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The main focus of this service is short burst therapy sessions. Most last for five minutes so it’s a good place to start, or for those of us who are time poor. There are specialised sections, so you know what you’re getting yourself into. For example, you can choose to focus on conquering anxiety, managing anger or handling stress, among others.

This was the first app that came up after I searched ‘mental health’ on the app store. It offers a more accessible option for traditional counselling and therapy and it’s a good option in lockdown if you’re looking to start therapy. I like that I have full control and can tailor my experience, including changing counsellors or choosing a topic to focus on for discussion.

7 Cups — Anxiety and Stress Chat This service connects you to professional therapists for online sessions. They also have a free 24/7 chat option. While this chat feature doesn’t connect you to licensed professionals, it does have moderated chat rooms so you’re welcomed to share your thoughts and feelings with others who may be experiencing something similar. It’s 100% anonymous.

Self-care virtual pet Really different to any other self-care app I’ve found. It really immerses you into a story, offering you a nice moment of escapism. The visuals are nice and the pet is super cute too. Taking care of something (even a virtual pet) can sometimes give you a sense of achievement and belonging. If you’re hesitant to try more traditional forms of online therapy, I would really suggest checking this out.

Energy If I’m struggling to focus on something or feel overwhelmed, I like to take a break by playing this game. It’s simple, fun and relaxing. I found this game to be the perfect balance between having to concentrate to decipher the puzzle, while also being easy enough that it’s not frustrating. If you like puzzles, this is a good option and I find it quite calming and meditative. It looks nice and has nice calming music. The downside is that annoying ads pop up occasionally.

Atomic Bi by Evlin DuBose

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CW: Queerphobia, sexism, sexual references, trauma, mental ill-health, injury

"You’re a part of something larger than yourself—the cerulean domed sky, the hip young city, and a kaleidoscope of people A last hesitation before the plunge, in confusion so thick it’s calming: “But…the way I who love feel isn’t the same. Equally strong feelings, but — different...” you for “Yeah, that’s really common.” being Then it hits you like a boulder to the gut. Here, in this little bare kitchen, with your two queer housemates, everything drops — your face, your stomach, hands flat on you." the birchwood table. Mind shocked white from the seismic shift in everything. You just stare at nothing as the world moves a little to the left. “...Holy shit.”

You’ve wondered before, just to double check. Ordinary daydreams in the middle of life’s monotony, like folding laundry or carrying groceries. In the tedium, you’ve briefly considered whether or not you could possibly be gay. But then you immediately caught yourself ogling a brunet model, his shirtless, hairless torso splashed across a shopfront. Nope. Definitely straight. You’ll tell everyone this story for years. You tell it when riding shotgun in your housemate’s mud-splattered Forester. “Dude,” she says, in almost frustrated disbelief, “I could’ve sworn you were bi!” “No,” you scoff, perturbed but flattered. After all, coming from a bonafide lesbian, it feels validating that you’re seen as enough of an ally to be confusing. Genuinely intrigued, you follow up, “What makes you think that?”

PG# 30

“You have major bi vibes.” Later at home, as proof of your close, genuine friendship, you tell your third housemate about this car-ride confession. “My aura is gay.” “Dude, you wrote a whole-ass poem about being bisexual! You performed it and everything!” “I just wanted to be gender inclusive!” you laugh. Thoughts of a Confused Bisexual Virgin was a hit. You wrote it on the way home from a festival, just for laughs, the night you understood poetry. She shakes her head. “Nah dude, it’s more than that.” “Then what is it that gives me bi vibes?” Your third housemate fires off without missing a beat, “It’s the bangs.”

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You stare every time you see her. You know her face by heart. Befriending her’s the dream, but that would be weird. You don’t just approach people to be friends like that, much less a girl from a different year and class. Besides, she could be like the other ones. Cruel about your Australian accent. In Texas, we say y’all. So instead, you use her as a muse, a face-claim in your fantasies. She dances in the moonlight to your favorite Celtic CD, embarks on grand adventures through mountains on the backs of winged horses. She is the visage of your inner heroine. You linger a little too long on her science fair project, reading all about that time she broke her arm. In the hallways, you just stare... But the fantasy becomes a preoccupation. It starts to scare you. You can’t stop thinking about her and that strikes you as abnormal, ‘cause girls don’t become obsessed with other girls. Not ones that aren’t, y’know...gay-zos. And you’re desperate to be normal right now, far away from home and between countries, you cry most nights as is, and you like boys, anyhow! So you sit on the floor of your room and try to explain to your patient mother that it isn’t a crush, but you can’t stop thinking about this girl you don’t know and you don’t know what’s happening inside you. You’re only nine and words have utterly failed you. Your mother doesn’t berate you, doesn’t provide clarity. Just tells you it’s okay. And the next time you see her in the hallway, you let her go. Shame no longer vicelocks your throat. Once spoken aloud, it’s all okay... After being told you give off bi vibes, you’re weirdly proud of it, like you’ve been bestowed a rainbow badge of honour by the League of Extraordinary Gays. But you’re also confused. You remember some of your fascinations in the past and begin to question the paradigm. You know you like boys. You’ve tortured friends with your obsessive crushes and pining, and you’re the one to whom people feel they must come out. Your best mates have brought you aside in the orchestra instrument room, on the bus, at sleepovers and Christmas parties, and confessed to you, only for you to reply with some quip about why it’s okay and why you don’t care, they’re still your friend. You text your last-standing American friend to unriddle the riddle. She won’t hold it against you; y’all wrote novels together. Then you do research — lots of research. You ask your therapist in an offhand manner to make a diagnosis. After all, it’s only fair that you give it a fair shake, just to know for certain. Your therapist simply deems you straight. The internet teaches you about different kinds of attraction: platonic, aesthetic, romantic. Powerful platonic attraction to girls: that must be the answer. You decide it’s your secret superpower. After all, you want to be a screenwriter and screenwriters need

31 PG#

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"Euphoric, ashamed. muses, and you want to be a feminist. You need fantasies about girls. “But if you’re questioning this hard,” your American bestie writes, “maybe You’re not there’s something in that?” “Idk,” you type before flopping back in bed. as bi as *** you Your uni housemates constantly tease you about being the token straight friend. They claim they’ll bully you into bi-dom. And you enjoy being in on the joke, being seen want as cool and easy or perhaps just not a threat, toting your rainbow umbrella for stormy Sydney days. After all, y’all’s life could be a sitcom. A trans girl, a lesbian, and a hetero to share a Sydney flat—you’d watch the shit out of it. be." Your first year of film school, you attend a Sydney Writers Festival poetry performance for a class. It features an array of queer poets who write anything under the sun. When Yrsa Daley-Ward performs, dark and glistening in the stage light like mahogany, earnest as an actress and lilting like a Londoner, you suddenly get poetry. Nothing else has ever clicked it all into place. You write in your head all the way home, composing prose poems like free verse. Songs meant just for you. There’s an image Yrsa painted that you can’t get over: she’s sitting at the table, waiting for Father to beat her sparkless. Bleeding memories like gemstone droplets, the agony of alienation and electric flash of kissing girls, and how all this will give her poetry. It’s given you poetry, too. A year later, your poetry comes out. Your housemate brings her ex (and her ex’s current girlfriend) to be your personal cheer squad, and fine, you relent. We’ll mingle at Vertigo’s open-mic. What’s the worst that could happen? Blood thumps thick in your ears as you take stage. Voice a quaver, not nearly rehearsed enough. Drowning in horror when you discover you’re too tall for the mic. God, just let them laugh. You stand stock still and recite a tongue-in-cheek poetic suite to thirty faces, serene and listening in the fairy-lit ambience. Lo and behold, it kills. By the end — beyond any good notion how — you have the audience eating out of the palm of your hand, and after you stagger off, you learn from one of the editors that you’re going to be published in print for the first time. The after party hits like a giddy high. This can’t possibly be you. Probably not what you deserve, all these enchanting, creative people shaking your hand, so raggedly attractive in secondhand clothes. The evening makes you real as a writer. The night changes everything.

*** The Force Awakens comes out and you become weirdly fixated on Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac. The latter is nothing new. The former isn’t either, but you’re more embarrassed to admit it over nachos with friends. You stay obsessed with Daisy for a lot longer than Oscar. She captivates, becomes your muse and role model; you watch anything with her in it. You’d love to direct her one day. Later, when studying film, you watch Blue is the Warmest Colour. You get away with doing the bare minimum, just watching The Scenes in question, so you can argue in class whether they’re blatant examples of the male gaze ruining lesbian love. You watch The Scenes three more times than you have to.

32 PG#

Not gonna lie, when you’re young, it bothers you that the guys on TV stare when two women fight or wrestle. They don’t intervene. That’s the joke. They like watching a moment that isn’t about them. Inara kisses a feminine diplomat in the bay of Serenity, and an intensely staring, voyeuristic Jayne declares he’ll be in his bunk. Your father and brother think it’s hilarious. You’re dying of revulsion. You rankle with annoyance when on Sex Education, a character realises they’re pan because they’ve been having *intimate* dreams about a girl. Everyone has those dreams, you gripe. It doesn’t mean anything! Though you don’t say this out loud, because you know your housemate will wryly ask: Who’d you have them about? And after sulking, you’d admit: Helena Bonham Carter.

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*** You come out to your closest friend and cousin first. It’s so strange: you, coming out. Confessing, revealing, trusting. But both adore you for doing so. Team Evlin, 100%. It doesn’t matter the specifics, you are what you say you are, and that’s enough. You could cry. Euphoric, ashamed. You’re not as bi as you want to be. You wonder if you’re faking for attention, to alleviate the guilt you feel for not being good enough or progressive enough or diverse enough or unique enough — especially for an Arts student. Especially one with suicidal, depressive anxiety and already too much trauma. You think you should tell your family. That would make it more real. Your brother just laughs and texts back, “Nice! So you also like boobies.” You grimace then head into class — crude, but not wrong. You decide to tell your parents in person. But you put it off and wait, and wait, and wait, and an intense fear bubbles up in the silence. Every time you think about just spitting it out, you realize you’d never be able to take it back, like a year zero smashing the timeline into ‘before’ and ‘after’. Never ‘again’.

Costco curry on a scratched up table. Winter in Texas is only dreary and cold, but your mother looks you in the eye over warm dinner and tells you point-blank that if you ever decided you were gay, it’d be okay. She and dad would still love you. Didn’t matter if your partner had stripes and blue spots, so long as they loved you and treated you right, your parents would accept them. They supported gay rights, after all, and if they caught wind of you bullying a classmate, the police would never find your body. But bi people? They’re just greedy, mum laughed. She made that joke over and over. And you once floated the ‘what if’ by your eighty-year-old grandma just to test how truly progressive she was. “Grandma, what if I were a lesbian?” And Grandma clipped back rather firmly, “But you’re not.” “But what if I was?” “But you’re not.” Pancakes on a spring morning. You think this might be the time to do it. You can feel it coming, like a creature creeping closer. It makes your heart come alive with thunder, throat raw, eyes prickling. Twisting your guts inside out because you’re still not entirely convinced you’re not lying. You might just be pretending. But every time you think of taking it all back and just being straight, that feels more

PG# 33

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awful. Straight is such a disappointment, an ill-fitting old hat. And if straight is not the teensiest bit accurate, then you’re technically bi, right? But if you end up marrying a man anyway, perhaps you’re just wasting everyone’s emotional time. They’d call you a fraud, someone who tried on a phase. You already feel like the weirdo... You set the table and sit down with your parents, dining on pancakes and bacon and berries. You’re chatting about normal things and stewing in fear. This is hard. This is suddenly way harder than you thought, more vulnerable and more of a risk than you’re comfortable with and you suddenly can’t believe how anyone does this without the guarantees you have. Your mother catches your pale look but says nothing. So you say something. *** After lockdown, you crave a haircut. Trim the bangs, lop off your straw dead ends. You book at a salon you’ve been eyeing to treat yourself, rug up in your favourite Nordic sweater, blue linen overalls, and black converse, and hike down through sunny Annandale. The day is blindingly brilliant, windswept, blossom-fresh and pink-cheeked. Frangipanis fragrance your path. You are bisexual. Queer as folk. Suddenly you grasp how fucking amazing everything is. You’re a part of something larger than yourself—the cerulean domed sky, the hip young city, and a kaleidoscope of people who love you for being you. There are ancestors you don’t know about, traditions and cultures. You’ve never felt like you had a culture. You’ve never had a wholeful home, your heart rawly, raggedly torn between cities across the sea. But the seismic shift in everything has shocked it all into place and the sun is shining and it’s all just so clear. You want to scream out. You want to dance. You skip to the salon and feel a desperate urge to tell your hairdresser to give you the ‘bi-girl bob’. Tidy up that fringe, please. I want to date girls. I want to scream it out loud. Your first date with a girl doesn’t wholly convince you that you aren’t a fraud. She shuts down when you admit you like boys too, as if a magic disembodied penis has entered y’all’s space, hovering above your table in that cosy Glebe restaurant, flaccidly harshing the vibe. You’d swat it away if you could. But y’all are vulnerable and funny and talk for hours otherwise, and when you walk her to the station, you wonder whether it’d be appropriate to kiss her. Your second date (different girl) goes much better. Easier chemistry, less confronting. She pays for your coffee, you buy her lunch. Y’all stroll around the glistening Blackwattle Bay and bond for hours. She doesn’t mind that you’re bi; she loves that you (used to) write fanfiction. She thinks your unusual pairing of Doc Brown and an of-age Lorraine McFly would be really fucking great, actually, and can she read that story? You laugh. She doesn’t understand the lesbian aversion to bi girls. You can talk about being queer endlessly and you feel so seen, it’s such a relief. Y’all snuggle on a bench and admire the waters. You later work up the nerve to kiss her at the bus stop during magic hour, and it’s totally indelibly incredible, outta this world, the cat’s knees and bee’s jammies. You realise as lips meet that now you understand why people kiss. As you once read in a ‘research’ article: you just want to put your face on hers. You once kissed a boy on a couch in the dark and he stopped so he could laugh, and you laughed with him because yes, it is oddly mechanical and clumsy and just strange as an act when you really think about it.

PG# 34

But five years later with a girl, no questions about what you’re doing or anything, it just rocks. You decide for other reasons not to see her again, but it does clear up any doubts you had. You can now say to anyone with alacrity and no compunction: I am bisexual. Your father just stares at you, and for a terrifying second you can’t read him and wish to take it all back. Oh god, what have you done? “So?” That’s all he says. Like you’re making a big deal of nothing. Pancakes concern him more than his daughter coming out. Mum gushes of course, oh darling it’s okay, thank you for telling us, and asks if you’re seeing someone and that’s why you now know. “No,” you answer, “I just spoke with some friends.” Later that night, she vulnerably worries that you’d been keeping it bottled up inside, afraid that you couldn’t tell them. That tortures her more than the idea that your life might be harder, gayer, whatever. But you can honestly say you’ve only been sitting on the epiphany for a few weeks. Your brother knows. A few other people know. You might never come out to your grandparents, but that’s fine. So long as your immediate family knows and still loves you, the rest will be fine. ***

During Pride Month, when the rains wash the coastal blues with iridescent hues, Stephen Colbert declares “love is love”, and you go on a rant to your new housemate. It’s not always about love! you declare. Why do you have to love someone?! Must it be romantic to be legit?! Sometimes you just wanna put your face on someone else’s face.

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You’ll spend the next year unraveling the knot of what it all means, meeting the new experience in every facet of your being. It occurs to you how little about queer culture you actually know, and you feel like a fraud all over. You worry about percentages of attraction, chasing every thought objectifying a man with one equally desiring a woman in the name of fairness, or perhaps legitimacy, like if you don’t operate in ‘queer mode’ all the time then you have no right to claim it anytime. You worry other colonised, selfish things, too, like whether you’d be seen as butch or unwomanly, or that you couldn’t be the vulnerable one in need of protection in a same-sex relationship because of your imposing height. You worry you’re not sexy or sexual enough. You worry all the time, devoting at least ten minutes a day to remembering and pondering and worrying over this new-you fact. You worry that no one really wants to talk about it, not even your family (who love you, but don’t always understand). So many of your queer friends weren’t as lucky as you; the world hurt them. They can’t always talk about it so easily. And you desperately want to talk about it. Announcing it out loud makes it seem real. You want people to know all the time now so they don’t assume otherwise, like you did for so many years, in school hallways and on your childhood bedroom floor, with your friends or all alone, wandering scenes of Sydney, and listening to Yrsa in the darkness, picking apart the secret knot inside you... Maybe it’s queer, you wonder, to finally understand that the silence is loud. And that speaking up when (if ever) you’re ready — that’s euphoria.

"...speaking up when (if ever) you’re ready — that’s euphoria."

PG# 35

the exit wound Words and artwork by Christina Eastman CW: Blood

FICITON

Milky light wades through the opaque window. The matte glass, a manipulator of light, leads a foxtrot of sun rays into a forlorn minuet. A dance so resilient, yet unable to hold itself against such a restraint, is gripped by the frosted pane. It oozes into a pool of soft, dim illumination, adagio, decorating the crisp winter air I swallow. I was a curious cupboard opener, grazing white-bleached driftwood and petrified by the bony fingers pointed in accusation that came soon after. Guilt would penetrate to the marrow of my bones, kinking my cartilage, shifting the caps like cogs in clockwork, ticking and tocking until I couldn’t breathe. I learnt not to speak, as I found I would be greeted by the same cold air as when my father opened his pursed lips in the summer. I would strain my neck, after the pitter-patter on the roof blotted the small orange circle that hovered in a vast blue expanse. I would gaze longingly through raindrop speckled glass, looking for the pot of gold. My stubborn index finger would trace the silhouettes outside, conjuring dense smudges to life. They traversed onto stages of cloudy glass to perform a show. This haze of warm colour I felt inside myself turned muted, bleak, bland, black and blinding white, when I was told art would never imitate life.

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I would run with the wind, as it stippled my cheek and long blades of grass snicked at my legs. Tangerine leaves lacquered with marmalade sheen would crunch sweetly under my feet. April slipped silently into May, like a secret. The hydrangeas, once delicately woven into the sandstone walls, were now consuming it brick by brick. The flower buds were in liaison with my bleeding paper cut; nature always fights back. My face would freckle and my fingers would blister. My tears tasted like the ocean I sweated into. Grains of sand would sweep from the shore on a desperate search to find the horizon. They told me I was just as lost. Water would drip from the tap like my patience and my anger remained buoyant. My body became a vessel. Nobody would ever know what it was carrying. I turned bitter, sour, and like spoiled milk, was poured down the sink. The sky was grey, the grass was green and it was a Tuesday. Just how they like it. My day was seven thirty, five and fifty. The weather was cold. I floated through the passing of days, hollow and empty. My magic was gone. I look at the light shining through the window. It doesn’t dance anymore.

SHOWCASE

by Julia van Oppen

PG#

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The Culture Shaker Carving Space for Creatives ofColour: Meet

Jayyysl ays Interviewedby Sevin Pakbaz

CW: Sexism, racism, discrimination

In a multicultural city like Sydney, the creative content captured should be true-to-life — and this is what Jay hopes to achieve and inspire in the upcoming generation of creatives. Sevin Pakbaz: Tell us a little about yourself; who you are, what you do, and what you love… And what is your star sign?! Jay: Hi! My name is Jay, aka Jayyyslays, and I’m a digital content creator. I freelance and work part-time designing for Butter Sydney. I love making my fellow creatives feel seen and captured in their true essence. I’m also of Filipina and Eastern European descent, and I’m first-generation Australian, so I have a passion for representation of other ethnic kids. I’m a Taurus sun, Leo moon and Taurus rising, so a little bit crazy with a lot of grounded and stubborn.

Model @uwukerry

AMPLIFY

Portrayals of minorities are very evidently lacking — not just in mainstream media, but also creative spaces online. Vertigo editor Sevin Pakbaz recently chatted with digital content creator Jay (or @Jayyyslays), a Sydneysider who isn’t afraid to step outside of the rigid boundaries that exist within digital art and shake up Sydney’s creative scene. She’s a young powerhouse who’s dipped her toes into the dynamic world of music events, photography, design, and built a platform on Instagram to celebrate POC artists around town.

SP: Can you expand on what you work on as a digital content creator? How would you describe your art? J: My main mediums are photography and graphic design, however, I’m always improving and upskilling, so I also dabble in videography and event management. I would describe my art as fun, playful, colourful, and nostalgic. SP: What inspires you? J: On a conceptual level, other people’s stories inspire me. I think there’s something wonderful about how we can all relate to one another in some way if we listen closely. The rags to riches story is always something that touches me, especially when it’s an immigrant/BIPOC’s life story. Aesthetically, I’m inspired by childhood, especially the era of when I grew up — late 90s and early 00s, that super colourful and in-your-face style. Even the music my mum and sisters listened to and the aesthetic they rocked when I was growing up was more early-mid 90s, from the colours to patterns to CD cover art, music videos, and magazines etc. My mum loves Michael Jackson and Earth, Wind & Fire. Classiques only!

SP: Your Instagram bio says ‘Growing up is giving in’; can you explain what that means? J: ‘Growing up is giving in’ is a phrase I came up with. It means to not lose your inner child to the stresses of adulthood, whether it’s work, finances etc. Just don’t take life so seriously, remember to have fun and nurture the little kid inside of you, fulfill your kid-dreams! SP: How would you describe Sydney’s creative scene? What is lacking? What is beautiful and unique?

SEVIN PAKBAZ

J: Sydney’s creative scene is small, so sometimes it can feel like a really big family or small town where everyone knows each other or knows of one another. I admire everyone who puts themselves out there to do something different and defy boundaries. I think it’s amazing to see artists getting signed by labels or seeing independent labels and managers do shows interstate to build their audience. The recognition means all the hard hours are paying off.

HOWEVER, what is lacking is support of up-and-coming female artists; yes, they do have support in their local circles but why don’t we have a female artist with the same recognition as Youngn Lipz or OneFour yet? On that note, a lot of the industry is male-dominated, leading to a boys’ club mentality where women are excluded, demeaned, and made to feel unsafe. That’s the reason I feel the need to exist and work in these spaces to uplift women and BIPOC women’s voices and balance out the dynamic of the scene. SP: You’re so passionate about POC representation and celebration in the creative industry. What encouraged you to speak up about it and make changes? And why is this important? J: My drive for this came from growing up in the Northern Beaches from 1999 until circa 2009. The school I went to lacked an ethnic community and the media I grew up watching also lacked any cultural representation. I only felt ‘othered’ once other children pointed out that I looked different to them. ‘What are you?’ was a question I often got. So growing up in high school and especially university, I found it very important for representation to become a main goal throughout all of my projects. POC have many different stories to share, but we all have this sense of connectedness through the similar themes of our lives: hardship, discrimination, racism, poverty, and so on. SP: In one of your posts, you said, “We are artists, designers, producers, musicians, photographers, party makers, culture shakers & beyond.” Can you explain this? Why is it important for upcoming artists to be ‘culture shakers’ and break away from rigid boundaries? J: In this day and age, anyone can be anything with the right tools and knowledge. There are so many creatives in Sydney who take up more than one role — for example, artist managers who are also producers and graphic designers, or DJs who are also photographers and stylists. It’s important to show the bigger agencies and brands that book us that we are ‘culture shakers’, that we have multiple valuable skills and we can’t be put in just one box or category. If we can show them that, we create more room and opportunities for ourselves and the upcoming generations.

Models @dante.knows @boysoda

AMPLIFY

Model @iam.jasminekhan SP: What has been your most fulfilling project to work on? J: Every project is fulfilling when it has been executed well and released! Some highlights for me would be the successful launch of my event Culture Shock in January 2020. Some other fun stuff would be shooting behind-the-scenes photos on set for music videos for artists like Youngn Lipz, MA RATED and Joseph Scott. The energy on-set is always so invigorating and it’s a reminder of how much I enjoy my job. SP: You’ve met quite a lot of amazing Sydney creatives — who was one fun person to collaborate/ create/work with?

SEVIN PAKBAZ

J: Always incredible to work with my peers! For the Culture Shock launch, we collaborated with local designer Vassqo on some bucket hats. We provided him with the materials and decked out the hats with chains and other hardware. I always love seeing him bring his vision to life. SP: What is the most difficult part about juggling freelance work and life in general? How do you prioritise your goals? J: The most difficult thing would be creating routines and sticking to it, as my schedule is always changing and shifting. It’s a skill I’m still working on. I prioritise my goals and projects based on which project deadline is closest and what needs the most time put into it. Since working from home, I’m slowly learning which parts of the day I’m naturally more productive and using it to my advantage. SP: What advice do you have for students who want to get involved in the creative and freelancing industry? J: Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and introduce yourself to others! There’s no better time to start than now; send that DM, post your work, be fearless and confident because others admire and respect it. They’ll be drawn to the positive and open energy — but don’t let yourself get exploited! Always be compensated for your time and work. SP: Any exciting projects you have coming up for our readers to check out? J: I have a lot of upcoming shoots post-lockdown for local artists! I also have some branding I’m working on with Vassqo that I’m really excited about. And, of course, I’m always working on events as well, so keep an eye out!

SP: Share some of your favourite creative accounts on Instagram J: Coincidentally, these are all locals! Photos/graphics: @dannydraxx, @channel_blk, @madebytsuki, @biancabeers Video: @sondr.films, @skylakemedia, @maxedoutfilms, @_level48visuals, @itschrisdahmen, @_murli Music: @kamalizamusic, @itsjazzyk, @jadekenji, imasiamila, @kobi_spice, @johnchaarles, @nointentofficial Stylists/fashion: @malykaali, @styledbystrk, @vassqo, @g__tab Events: @radarsounds_, @1nce.again, @swankyarray DJs/producers: @yvngcweed, @mowglimaydj, @watermellowmusic, @splifflorusso, @dj_talisha SP: Where can our readers find out more about you and your work? You can follow my work on Instagram @jayyyslays and my events are on @cultureshock.au! All photography featured by Jay. You can find their work @jayyyslays

Passionate about change? Get involved with your UTS Students’ Association.

Photographer: FJ Gaylor

utsstudentsassociation.org.au facebook.com/UTSStudentsAssociation

FICTION

VIRIDESCENT

by Mauli Fernando

For a few days each year, there’s an amicable aura in the air. The winter wind no longer cuts the skin or bites at the tip of the nose, but rather mellows into a viscous, still haze. You take another deep breath, just to be sure it wasn’t just a passing breeze, but its trace still lingers, almost palpable. Winter’s bitter hold melts soothingly into Spring. Each inhale brings forth memories of the sun,and eucalypt-scented air. The welcomed breeze whispers in your ears and leaves echoes of rustling through trees. Sunlight writhes through the canopy, making its way between leaves and branches, speckling shades of gilded rays onto the footpath. Those moments of carefree laughter sitting around a pool, or the sweet relief of rolling down a car window, seem almost within reach. The green in the trees looks brighter, and somehow, the memories shared with others become more vivid. For those first few breaths, the subliminal beauty of the world is infectious, and the air is ripe with anticipation. The following is a collection of photos taken over a number of years, in the days when it seemed like the seasons were ready to change.

FICTION

SHOWCASE

JESTER GORTEX

by AUGUSTINE FLETT

SHOWCASE

NON-FICTION

And y Shaufandthe Last Standofthe Studio Album

by Joseph Hathaway-Wil son Joseph Hathaway-Wilson of Get Gigged reviews Canadian singer-songwriter Andy Shauf’s sixth studio album, ‘The Neon Skyline’ (2020). Get Gigged is a UTS society dedicated to exploring Sydney’s live music scene and forming a like-minded network of music lovers. From band photographers to music journos to plain old suckers for the mosh-pit, there’s no shortage of personalities willing to catch that upcoming gig with you. Check us out on Facebook at ‘UTS Get Gigged’ and on Insta @getgigged, to get involved.

No one listens to albums anymore. Listening to an album once so you can choose what songs to add to your playlist doesn’t count – that’s just methodical cherry-picking. Don’t get defensive, I’m not shaming you. As a matter of fact, I completely understand. We live in the age of audio streaming services, with personalised playlists and Spotify mixes to satisfy our musical yearning. It’s hard to find the patience to sit through eleven consecutive tracks from one band, when we can just as easily listen to the exact songs we like, when we like. Even before Steve Jobs glazed contemporary society with a varnish of technological banality, the importance of listening to an entire album from front to back was a disputed topic among music fanatics. Armchair critics of the late 20th century (i.e. your dad) will likely question the need to play Side A of a record before Side B, or alternatively tell you that they only used to play one side of a certain record, as the other side was comprised solely of ‘filler trash.’ It could be argued that the only LPs truly exempt from this nonchalance were the avant-garde concept albums pioneered in the late 1960s and kept in fashion throughout the 1970s: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967), The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1972), and pretty much everything released by Pink Floyd ever. These concept albums were musical narratives, in which tracks were bound not by the name on the front of the record, but by the recurring characters and themes explored within. One could not skip tracks on a concept album simply because the album would no longer make sense, it was like skipping chapters from a book. The fact that even these works have fallen victim to the selective ear of modern audiences signifies the Mixtape’s ultimate victory over the Studio Album, even if the Mixtape has now adopted the form of the Playlist. No one can remember the track that succeeds Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2, not because it was bad, simply because no one cares – they’ve never heard it. I know that none of this seems relevant to The Neon Skyline, however, it leads me to a question that definitely is: If no one listens to albums anymore, why should you listen to Andy Shauf?

such as The Zombies and Love, to mind. Shauf arranges the tracks with the maturity of an experienced producer. Towards the end of the album, he follows the upbeat and heavily layered Try Again with the simple but soul-stirring sound of a single acoustic guitar, strumming us into the penultimate track, Fire Truck. Shauf’s sixth studio album isn’t flawless. With its heels dug deep into a linear storyline, listeners may find it difficult to appreciate the tracks outside the context of the album. It is also easy to take aim at the shameless replication of a song-writing style already explored to great success in The Party. However, when compared to other discographies, the album stands its ground. The Neon Skyline is a multi-faceted album about love, loss, yearning and acceptance. So why should you give it a listen when you can just as easily listen to love songs that don’t involve heartbreak, or breakup songs that don’t get uncomfortably philosophical? Why listen to Andy Shauf when it’s much easier to listen to artists who make you feel pure elation, or pure misery? When asked to write a music review relevant to the idea of beauty, a number of albums sprung to mind. I thought of the many faces of romance explored in Rubber Soul (1965), and the unbridled joy of Stevie Wonder throughout Songs in the Key of Life (1976). I even dwelt for a while on the gauzy ambience of Slowdive’s Pygmalion (1995) before finally settling on Shauf. The decisive step in my selection was thinking not of the music, but of you, the students of UTS, perusing this issue of Vertigo amid impending due dates, procrastinatory nights at the pub, and the ever-present threat of yet another lockdown. The intricacies of modern life may be overbearing, but simultaneously beautiful in the way that someday you’ll miss it – the intensity, the confusion, the life-affirming rays of sun in unexpected places. None of what we live through on a daily basis is as simple as a good love song, a breakup track, or a blistering few minutes of fury, and listening to certain songs in the hope of attaining certain feelings is an often-futile pursuit (okay, that last comment may be subjective. My mother is set in her belief that disco is the antidote to every instance of sorrow). Life, especially now, is complicated. Sometimes what we need isn’t a temporary escapism into a fantastic and hypothetical vision of the universe, but a reassuring arm around the shoulder, and a finger to point us in the right direction. And that is what The Neon Skyline provides. You disappear into the narrative and emerge with a feeling of having actually been somewhere and through something. Andy Shauf plays in time with life. Perfect moments shape memories, and heartbreak shapes you, but the stuff in between – the mundane uncertainty, discomfort and confusion, that leave us questioning before we inevitably wander onwards – now that is sublime.

NON-FICTION

With all of the above in consideration, one could say that Andy Shauf chose quite possibly the worst point in modern history to release a concept album. You could also say that he was resoundingly successful in doing so. The Neon Skyline is the second of Shauf’s albums to take place over the course of a single evening. His 2016 breakthrough album, The Party, placed listeners in a house full of drunken and emotionally befuddled youths, while Shauf alternated between voicing the anxious firstperson narrator, poetically commenting on human nature, and the omnipresent spectator, observing the poignant plights of lonelier guests. The Neon Skyline shares a similar conceptual basis toThe Party, but without sinking to the same existential lows. The album follows a heartbroken narrator who asks his friend to the local bar. Upon arrival, he learns of his ex’s return to town, sending him down a retrospective path of both warm and reprehensible memories. Midway through the evening, he is met in-person by the very woman he longingly remembers. While the instrumentation on The Neon Skyline showcases a thorough musical knowledge, it is the permeation of wit and deep thought in Shauf’s lyrics that are the highlight of the album. His habit of telling stories that focus on the minutiae of human interaction remind one of a young Bob Dylan or Paul Simon, however, the narrative voice in The Neon Skyline refrains from crossing the border between first and third person. If Dylan is a lone vagabond, wandering beside a highway in Middle America, taking note of the curious encounters he has along the way, then Shauf is his significantly less romantic but somehow more relatable, urban-dwelling counterpart, who drunkenly muses over recollections and the nuances of his desires. From the opening track, the listener is embraced with an air of familiarity, ‘I’m just fine, sometimes I need to clear my mind, you know how that can be.’ The resonance of our narrator’s consciousness persists throughout the work. In the third track, Clove Cigarette, he flits between a dreary present and an affectionately remembered past, while insisting in a painfully relatable fashion that all is well, ‘You take some steps forward and some steps back, it just doesn’t matter ‘cos I’m on track.’ While several tracks are spent inside our narrator’s mind, he never loses sight of the world around him, and keeps the album fresh with a host of regularly dispersed, Dylan-esque observations, ‘Judy laughs a little too hard, I didn’t think it was that funny the first time around.’ Shauf’s lyrics aren’t the only feature of The Neon Skyline reminiscent of the 1960s. His gentle fusion of piano, guitar and keyboard, with the judicious use of woodwind, mirrors the instrumental experimentalism practiced by a host of songwriters approaching the Summer of Love. This is complemented by the unorthodox chord progressions and rhythmic changes of tracks such as Where Are You Judy? bringing psychedelic-era bands,

A Timel ess Spotlight FICTION

by Jeremy Fung

On lukewarm days when the weathered clouds struggled to conceal the amber glow of the sun, I was reminded of a couple. Tim and Bea. Dramatic but inspired, their relationship fluctuated between a blazing star and a distant supernova. Their mornings were built on ceaseless bickering, and their nights were exercises in repairing Rome’s ruins. Together they performed a dance routine down at the local club. For such a small establishment, the line-ups were relatively well-known. It was breathtaking when Tim and Bea performed their routine. The spotlight cast a golden grace on the pair’s weightless twirling. Their performance was as mesmerising as it was ephemeral. We wondered if the spotlight was a figment of our imagination, as it often froze after Tim and Bea faded into the darkness. Tim was the easier of the two to understand. Austere, reliable, one-dimensional. If you asked him a question you didn’t know the answer to, you could expect nothing but the most logical and natural progression available as his response. In many ways, Tim was like an hourglass. A drink with him was a venture onto a parched beach, devoid of heart but dense with discussion of irrationality. Before you knew it, the sand beneath your feet hardened, and you were left with the empty glass. Not that I minded the rigid algorithms he seemed to embody. I knew what to expect with Tim. If anyone was late to an allocated meetup time for a drink, it was me. Tim waited for no one. If I were five minutes late, he would leave five minutes early. The one time I asked him why, well, he laughed, and

then he told me, “I’m always on the move. I don’t wait for anyone.” There was always that quality about Tim. The biggest concerns he had were always with the future; the past and present were simply outcomes he held in high regard or completely ignored. An air of uncertainty seemed to surround our conversations. I knew when our appointed meetings ended, but not how fleeting the discussions of the listed agendas would be. Preparation was only as effective as Tim wanted it to be. Bea was harder to read. When she was with Tim, she was unpredictable. At her worst, she was the peak of winter, and at her best, she was the blossom of spring. But it was hard to say whether you were really speaking with Bea or a projection of Tim. Most people knew Bea as the unattainable performance that you were lucky enough to experience in your lifetime. A show to remember but not a personality to understand. Had you asked most people who knew Tim and Bea, they would tell you of the intellectually stimulating conversations they had with Tim and fall mute if you asked about Bea. Perhaps there was unseen tension that spectators could never grasp behind the bewitching performances. After all, what else could explain Bea’s unwavering obedience to Tim? Of course, Tim by himself was not a bad person, but a judge guided purely by logic could never understand the issues that make us human. FICTION

* Bea separated from Tim after a few years. I didn’t ask her for a reason, and she didn’t feel the need to disclose it. In the weeks following the separation, the audience at the show dwindled. Mostly the older folk, who saw more to move onto than a solo performance by a woman they barely knew. But not me. There was grace in solitude, and the unfettered temper with which Bea now danced lacked the repulsiveness of order and predictability. It was the same performance, but the shine of the spotlight stayed. If Tim was ever anything to Bea, he would have been an inhibition, a limiter. Without Tim, it was like the sun never set in Bea’s eyes. She had a peculiar trait. For all her time in the spotlight, no one could pinpoint her exact appearance. To some people, she was a queen whose image was every bit regal as it was majestic. To others, she was a commoner whose expressions evoked a mixture of compassion and longing. Personally, I saw the latter and found myself quite confused when people would tell me they saw the former. I often spoke to Bea about oceans. How beyond the litter, pollution, and green, there were still the vast azure plains, warping and crashing into one another in perfect ignorance of their slowly corrupting environment. She usually agreed with my sentiments about wastefulness, but she also constantly remarked to me as a reminder, “Even if the oceans become a swamp, someone will still find an elegance in the frothy algae and hanging vines.” These days, as I gaze out towards the sleeping sun, I can’t help but agree. Even while the colours dim into darkness, it remains beautiful.

Alas, the fleeting years glide swiftly by word and notes by Zac Agius illustrations by Hannah Bailey CW: Alcohol Today I am going to walk up the street and buy some milk. I think I have to. I drank a black coffee with my sunny-side-up eggs on toast and it was not very nice even though I put two sugars in, which I do not normally do, but I did not have milk. So today I will buy some. I may as well get some other things from the shop while I am there but for the life of me I can’t think of anything I might need. I have bread and I have eggs and I have potatoes and rice and other vegetables to make a curry with for dinner. But I can not stand to have another black coffee tomorrow even though I have plenty of sugar. FICTION

There’s a woman with a blue cat that I pass each day I leave my house. The cat isn’t really blue but it gives off the sense that it is. It watches me with sad eyes and only responds with indifference when I reach out to pet it. The woman doesn’t talk to me. She stands there with a cigarette and a dressing gown and looks down her long nose at the people passing by. She ashes into a coffee cup next to the cat’s head. One time she ashed right onto my hand when I went to pet the blue cat. She didn’t apologise like I would if I had done so to her. She looked me in the eye for the first time that day and waited and waited for me to say something but I turned and walked away because some times I am a coward. I did not pet the cat for weeks after that. But he began to look so blue and sad and I grew angry at seeing something so blue and sad every time I left my home so I walked right up to it and looked the woman in the eye as I pet it. Then I ashed my cigarette in her coffee cup and walked away with a big smile on my face. Today, if I do indeed leave the house and walk up the street and buy some milk, I will pet the blue cat again.

Oh, but the shopkeeper is such a tedious man! He is old and lonely and I know I should be nice to old and lonely men because one day soon before I know it I will be an old and lonely man myself but he is just so tedious!

He treats me like an old friend and I suppose I have known him for many years but I have not ever even shared a coffee or a tea or a beer with him, and what is a friend but a person you share a coffee or a tea or a beer with on occasion. There are not many I would call a friend anymore and he is not one of those few. He will ask me about my day and my job and my wife and my children and I will make up some story to tell him but today I am not in the storytelling mood. And yet I still need milk. And maybe some dish soap while I’m at it since the dishes are dirty and I ran out of dish soap last night. Maybe soon. First I will read my book in the sunlight a while. I have been reading a lot lately. Short stories and poems from men and women of a more simple age. FICTION

I laid on the sun bed and read for a while and the sun warmed my skin first and then my bones. It’s tiresome work soaking in words and vitamin D. I decided to rest my eyes a while so I rested Hemingway on my forehead to shade me from the sun and took a drag from my cigarette. When I woke there was a beautiful woman poking her head out of the door to the balcony. The inside was warm from the fire but she ventured out into the cold night to talk to me. “The children are asleep,” she said and I knew what she meant but I pretended I didn’t for the sake of playfulness. I nodded. “That’s nice.” I looked around for my cigarettes but they weren’t any where to be seen. She didn’t like me smoking them. The beautiful woman was shivering. The moonlight cast beautiful shadows around her angular face. I stared in to the shadows hoping to find myself. I’d become convinced over the years that the secrets to a happy life laid in those shadows. She sat on my lap and kissed me. She unbuttoned my shirt and touched my bare skin with warm fingers. They burned my skin in a pleasant, familiar way.

I kissed back, her fingers on my chest. They pressed in to my skin and the burning grew worse and worse. It soon became almost unbearable but I ignored it for her. “What’s wrong, honey?” I liked it when she called me honey. It made the world seem okay for a while, even though it so rarely was these days. She touched my chest and I flinched away. I looked down to see a gaping black hole. I wasn’t scared. Just annoyed that it had interrupted the flow of things. I jolted awake. The sun was still shining down on me.

ZAC AGIUS

My cigarette had fallen on to my chest, leaving a dark black stain on my cream coloured t-shirt, next to the coffee stain from yesterday morning. I jumped up and stamped it out on the cold concrete floor. It wasn’t the most pleasant way to return from some where far away. I lit another, the last of the pack, and mentally added another item to the shopping list. While it dwindled down to nothing, I leant on the balcony and tried my best not to think of the beautiful woman or the forever sleeping children. I surveyed the view once more and I will describe it to you here. To the left — the north — there are more apartment buildings. Brutally efficient they seem. A woman and her lover play cards on one balcony. A dog snores on another. They are mostly empty despite the weather. To the right — the south — is an almost empty concrete lot. There are one or two trucks sitting idly for the day. It will fill up as night comes and the drivers go home to their own existence and I will watch with a cigarette and maybe a drink or two. Then I will walk down in the full moonlight and spend the lonely part of the night with metal and rubber for company. Straight ahead is the horizon. But there’s an endless nothing between here and there and I know that. The cigarette is done now and I flick it off the balcony and watch it fall until I can’t see it any longer. Down there is where I go. The elevator is empty and I turn left out of the building toward the shop. It is a three-minute walk, if you walk quickly, which is what I do but I do stop two thirds of the way there outside the blue cat’s building. He isn’t there and neither is the sour woman with the long nose. 58

I paused perhaps too long because the woman interrupted my train of thought. “Excuse me,” she says. I had been standing in her way. She was carrying a bag from the shop filled with cheese and bread and potatoes, but no milk from what I could see. I moved and let her through. She paused at the top of the stairs and looked back down at me. “I wouldn’t wait too long for the cat. I haven’t seen him in days.” “Oh.” There was something odd about her. “If you find him,” she says, turning her key in the door, “don’t worry about sending him back.” She was smiling.

FICTION

She disappeared in to the building and left me there, so I continued on my walk. I thought about the cat and hoped he was okay and I thought of all the cats I had known to run off and how it was common knowledge they figured a way to survive without us and they were all okay and soon enough I was at the shop. It was loud in there. Two children swerved through the aisles, yelling about guns and Indians. One had a cowboy hat on and a toy pistol in her hand. I passed a third, a teenager, on his phone in the cold aisle. He didn’t look up and neither did I. I set the milk down on the counter in front of the old man. “Good afternoon, Mr. Peck,” he said. I don’t think he knew my first name. I don’t think I’d ever given it. “Afternoon, Al.” “How’s it going today?” “Fine.” “How’s the wife?” he grinned. “Fine.” “And the kids?” 59

“All fine.” “Work?” “Not too bad.” “Just the way we like it.” He laughed and scanned the milk. I handed over a couple dollars. “Hands up!” I turned round to face the voice and had to look down to see the face of a girl, almost covered by a cowboy hat too big. She had her pistol pointed at my chest and a serious look about her. “That’s my granddaughter, Jessica,” the old man explained, chuckling still. “They’re all spending the day with me. My grandkids, I mean.”

ZAC AGIUS

“That’s nice.” I turned back to him and took the change he was holding out for me. “I’ll see you later, Al.” And I turned and walked out the door. The walk back was quick because I made it so. I didn’t stop at the sour woman’s building because I didn’t have to. I was back at my building and in the elevator and there were people in there but they didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to them. I was putting the key in the door when I heard it. It poked its head round the corner and looked at me. If it were a human, I might say it looked lost. But cats are never lost. I rubbed its head and it purred. I walked inside and almost shut the door but stopped. The blue cat stayed at the threshold, looking up at me through the crack. I opened it a little wider and it slipped in through the gap. Then I shut the door and made myself a drink. *** I sit in the truck yard at night. There’s a spot where I can sit and write and think. The moonlight lights my page and reflects off the meticulously lined truck cabins.

I sit and write about my day. Nothing interesting, to be fair. Not particularly good either. Just what I did. Today, I walked up the street and bought some milk. I’ll write that down, stuff like that. It’s odd, but I’ve noticed in recent years how much I long for what once was, my past life. I think back, for hours and hours, and wonder what I did with all that time. Where did it go? Was it really all that better than it is now? Anyway, this way I won’t have to worry. When I look back in 30 years on the good old days I will know, for example, that I bought milk today. And I’ll smile and think, it was all so much simpler back then.

FICTION 62

Her Exal ted Creation Words & Art by Samara Robertson

SECTION FICTION NAME

CW: Nudity

These artworks are inspired by a facet of our big wide world I find to be utterly raw, absolutely unfiltered, and undoubtedly vast; our ocean. I am overcome by its ferocity. I must surrender to its mercilessness. I begin to count to ten and... go mushy. By seven, I succumbed to ataraxy. “It’s a graceful collapse into euphoria... Solace for the self.” My favourite place to visit is a five-minute walk from my house. To get there, I go along my street, round the bend, down the steps, across the road, and through the slightly overgrown pathway.

PG# 62

No cars or public transport necessary. I don’t need to wear shoes in the city — in fact, shoes are probably discouraged. The floor is not appropriate for that, because it moves beneath your feet. Sometimes the city’s main attraction is too aggressive and must be closed for the day. It stands too tall, roars too loudly, and even holds people beneath it so they cannot breathe. The other half of the city is always open; it’s smooth to touch, warmed by the sun and creates anonymous trails of wonder.

The best part of the city is its creator.

SECTION FICTION NAME

Throughout the day, people exercise in the city — no memberships required. From early morning until dusk, people walk, run, and play. It’s popular to exercise on large planks of fiberglass, shaped like leaves. When people bring these boards, they often spend hours upon hours being pushed by the forces of glassy moving mountains.

She constantly keeps everything functioning and rarely produces a gloomy day. Even with the dullest of skies, she unceasingly provides freedom for movement. Today my sister and I are going to the city together. She wants to read, relax in the fresh air, and I want to write a story about the great wen. We have walked along my street, round the bend, down the steps, across the road, through the slightly overgrown pathway. Now sitting in one another’s silent company, we face the city’s main attraction, livid, because we did not bring our fiberglass planks and now cannot join the thirty or so black dots clumped in the far-left outer break, taking turns to emerge and progress across the creator’s ride.

63 PG#

‘Music in My Mind Singing it’s Gonna Be Alright’ A REVIEW OF TAYLOR SWIFT’S FOLKLORE

NON-FICTION

by Símran Parékh

Let’s flash back to my unforgettably sinister July, 2020; wintry grey skies, dirty dishes piled in the sink, my fireplace aglow, and a deeply dejecting news story every evening. Months into lockdown, I found there was hardly a ray of sunshine nor a ray of hope to wake up to. Or so I thought. If there was anything that could pull me out of that dread, it was music. Like a sonic picture, music captures vivid memories or feelings felt in a moment. There’s something so wickedly mystifying about it too — once nostalgia accompanies a specific song, the music becomes inseparable from that association. On the evening of 24 July 2020, I was minding my business, scrolling through Twitter, when Taylor Swift decided to wake up and choose chaos. Just over 11 months after her seventh record Lover, she was surprise-releasing her eighth studio album, Folklore. I was beyond elated, to say the least.

Even though I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at her annoyingly impressive demonstration of pandemic productivity (sis really dropped her second album within a year), I also felt blessed to have sixteen new songs. My endless streaming of her previous seven albums takes the credit for keeping me somewhat sane (okay, sane is debatable). But if the pandemic was a fire, new music felt like rain, and without Folklore, I’d have no reason to be writing this right now. But the evening she dropped the album, it felt like time slowed down and eventually came to a standstill. The sky outside seemed slightly darker, the wood in my fireplace burned slightly brighter, and with great anticipation I put my headphones on to drown into the exquisite soundscape of Folklore. Somewhere in the rich poetry and grand instrumentals, it felt like the beginning of an introspective journey.

Suppose it’s many hours past midnight — you wake up from a nightmare, or worse, you’ve yet to fall into peaceful slumber because reality haunts you. Your mind runs wild, and now you’re worried that something will threaten your chances of finding success in five years. Or maybe you’re reminiscent of an old flame, all the could’ve-should’ve-would’vehappened if only you chose a different path. Or it’s something else that you have no control over. Amid this chaos, there’s so much power in learning how your mind wanders and how to capture it before it captures you. Of course, time and time again, we figure out secret little habits that keep ourselves in check — locking memories into forbidden closets of our brain in hopes that they’ll cease troubling us. But in unexpected ways, music can bring about self-awareness, even if the voice narrating the story isn’t your own, and neither is the story.

A major theme in the album is the notion of doubt, uncertainty and the need for self-assurance. Captured in songs like ‘mirrorball’ and ‘this is me trying’, lyrics like, “They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential” zoom into this feeling of failure and fearful fragility. In questioning the could’ve-should’ve-would’vehappened on ‘the 1’, Swift lets go of what didn’t happen but acknowledges, “It would’ve been fun, if you would’ve been the one”. What she expresses between the lines of rhyme and reason reaches out to the listener like a warm embrace of comfort and condolence, and this passionate solidarity lingers throughout the album.

It’s easy to forget this story isn’t yours by the way she narrates young love ending in gut-wrenching heartbreak in ‘august’, a song from the perspective of ‘the other girl’ who felt like things were more than just a summer fling. You can’t help but feel heartbroken for her as she chides herself for caring too much (what Gen Z will describe as ‘simping’), or as Swift puts it “Cancelled my plans just in case you called / Back when I was living for the hope of it all”. But in spite of these hopes and unreciprocated efforts to pursue something further, she eventually comes to terms with this love being doomed from the get-go — “you weren’t mine to lose”. There’s no end to lyrical examples, but if Swift expresses the bitterness of uncertainty, she romanticises destiny with just as much grace. In an ode to the Asian folk-myth called the ‘red thread of fate’, where soulmates are united by an invisible thread, she sings about finding her person on ‘invisible string’ and articulates her awe of time being mystical and wondrous — both in breaking her bones and mending them fine. Ultimately, in gratitude of the heartbreak she endures, she sings to her lover, “Isn’t it just so pretty to think / All along there was some invisible string tying you to me”. The romantic escapism within the soundscape of the album is like a fleeting sense of euphoria, and feels like falling in love with looking outward.

NON-FICTION

If good music is the heartbeat of a club or a car ride with the windows down, screaming each and every word, then great music makes you imagine. It makes you imagine a world that isn’t your own, or it helps you better understand your world through the perspective of others. So, if an intensive sociallydistanced life caused an existential crisis at three a.m., then Folklore helped relieve that incessant, harrowing spiral.

There is a striking amount of self-acceptance felt through an increased self-awareness. While songs reminisce and ruminate on old memories or missed opportunities (sometimes excessively), they often end on a reflective and inspiring note.

At the time of writing this, the album is weeks away from its one-year anniversary. And given all these months I’ve spent immersed in its world, Folklore has become my companion. I look out at the sky, and yes, it’s looking grey as ever. I can see the fire slowly starting to fizzle out and the evening sky fading into night. But I’m no longer alone. I wear my headphones, and it’s like I’ve got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

A Conversation with Amand aWhite, UTS Senior Lecturer

AMPLIFY

by Erin Ewen

A candid chat about cheating, uni culture, and online learning For many, Dr Amanda White needs no introduction. Most of us know her as the star of UTS Confessions. The good Samaritan, kindly offering her advice and sharing her wisdom with students in need. But, if you don’t follow UTS Confessions on Facebook, you might be wondering, who is Amanda White?

So, I did my bachelor’s degree here majoring in Business (shout out to my business students). Then, I did my Honours degree while I was still working in a Big Four accounting firm full-time.

On paper, Amanda is an academic, educator, senior lecturer for Accounting at UTS, and mum of two. She completed her undergrad here at UTS and, bonus fact, has been reading Vertigo since she was a student! In 2020, she was runner-up for Australian Teacher of the Year.

AW: In 2001, I had a not-even-quarter life crisis around September 11th. I was working as a consultant at a Big Four accounting firm and 9/11 just really shook me up, like I think it did a lot of people at the time. I thought, what am I doing? Is this what I want to do forever? Do I feel like I’m giving back? That’s when one of my university lecturers said, ‘Look, do you want to come and be a university academic?’ So, that’s what I did. In 2002 I did a PhD at the same time... the slowest PhD ever! It was nine years of work.

We were inspired to talk to Amanda based on another Confessions post that said, ”Lowkey, I kinda want to meet Amanda White. I do forensics, so not related to the units she teaches, but reading how she interacts with the confession posts, she seems like a really cool person to meet.” So, please consider this interview a remote meetand-greet with Dr Amanda White, the unofficial ambassador of student affairs at UTS.

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But as one Confessions post puts it, however, she is “a G, who’s taking the time and effort to interact with students in a way that makes sense for the times. She’s effectively the entire PR department of UTS in the modern era.”

EE: How did you start teaching at UTS?

But, I came to university — not to be an academic and not because I wanted to do research — but because I wanted to teach. I wanted to make this difference on young people and I thought about the teachers that really influenced me and I wanted to be that influence for someone. I bumbled along for many, many years as a very terrible academic. I love teaching but I was just crappy at research. I just didn’t have the passion for it that my colleagues do but now, I funnel that teaching passion into research around teaching as well.

EE: Please introduce yourself to Vertigo readers. AW: Hey everyone, my name is Amanda and I’m a UTS tragic. If you cut me, I’d probably bleed that old, teal blue UTS logo. I went to public school in New South Wales. My parents were migrants. I chose UTS because it was a uni focused on being work-ready. From the age of 18, I worked full-time and went to uni part-time. I wanted somewhere that offered flexibility and was hopefully leading online classes — I can remember when Blackboard was new — boy, that was a long time ago!

Then, I almost lost my job. I was rated with ‘unsatisfactory performance’ because I wasn’t publishing research articles, but I was doing really well at teaching. Then, right at that time, the university actually put out a new directive that basically said, ‘Hey, we want to have specialist educators at university,’ and so that opened up another path for me. The thing that I was really passionate about doing, which is helping students, then became my career.

“It’s important when the going gets tough, you don’t turn to a cheating service or borrow a friend’s assignment, but that you get the right type of help.” EE: How did you come across the UTS Confessions FB page?

ERIN EWEN

AW: We started looking at the queues of how long it took to get an eRequest answered because our students would write it to me, and I would tell them to submit a request, and then it would take 3-4 weeks. I would write to admin to ask what was happening and they would say, ‘Look, the response time at the moment is three to four weeks. There are too many eRequests and we’ve had cuts in funding.’ Then I started seeing a colleague of mine, Georgina Barratt-See, who runs U:Pass, commenting with some advice for students. By that time, I was the Deputy head of accounting in the education space and I thought well, hang on, I know a lot of insider information here. I know the words you need to use in the application or the form that you need or what the likely outcome is going to be, so I just started answering questions on Confessions. I just can’t have students waiting. I have such a strong feeling for my institution so I just thought, this is how I can pitch in. I don’t run Confessions either. There’s this conspiracy theory that I run confessions. Somebody did an analysis comparing the post times to my response time… like wow... I should get that person into a business analytics course. But I think our Confessions is a really great resource for students. Of course, it helps me understand a lot of the young people’s lingo. I actually had to look up what a ‘simp’ was…

The first time somebody called me a ‘GOAT’, I was like, what does that mean?! Oh, it’s a good thing! But yeah it’s great to look at what people are talking about and how students respond and support each other. Whether that’s, ‘I’m not sure if I’m gay,’ or ‘This thing happened to me,’ or ‘I’m really torn in this situation...’ I think we have a great sense of community on our page. EE: You’re often engaging with students via social media. Why do you enjoy communicating with students online? AW: I was always just really keen to keep in touch with students so I started using Facebook, just to be able to keep in touch with them and to be that person to inspire and hopefully lift students up when they’re feeling down and let them know that they’re not alone. I’ve always been keen on using social media to create that community and that connection; you know the reason it was originally invented, which is not to flog ads or promote conspiracy theories. It really was that idea of community and campus connection. I was one of those people who would like to give students my phone number, just in case it came in handy. I do a lot of career mentoring for my alumni. I used to have a Facebook page called Ask Amanda for students who just had questions, and that evolved into Amanda Loves to Audit. I’m part of the furniture at this point. It’s institutional memory. Especially for first-year students, it can get really confusing. Having someone with institutional memory is really important and we lost a lot of that through the redundancies at UTS.

EE: I read the term academic integrity quite a lot on your profile, could you go into that and explain what that means?

When you cheat, you might think the only person you’re cheating is yourself. But what you’re doing is potentially devaluing the degree of everybody else. You’re misrepresenting what you know or what you can do. EE: Why are you so passionate about academic integrity? AW: I really got interested in this area after I came back from maternity leave from having my second child, and I caught like 55 students cheating in my course of about 300. I was devastated. It was an assessment that helps students get a job and develops their recruitment interview skills. You get this link and you have to sit there in your suit and a question pops up and you have to answer it. So we were training students to go out into the world and nail this really critical part of the job interview process, and students cheated. I could have walked away and at that point, one of my colleagues said, ‘Amanda, the only way you can do this is you have to manually transcribe all 300 students’ interviews so that we can run some comparisons.’

But when I talked to all those students, they just didn’t know. That really opened my eyes to the fact that we weren’t educating students well enough. Sure, we were saying ‘Do the right thing!’, but we weren’t saying how to do the right thing or talking about this culture of integrity. It’s tricky because we all make mistakes, so this is the process of how we learn to do the right thing. We’ve had students write to us and say, ‘Hey, I think my friend is cheating. I didn’t want to say anything but I just feel like I’ve put in so much hard work and they’ve just paid somebody and that just seems really unfair.’ We say to those students, ‘If you can make an anonymous report with whatever evidence you have, we can go into a confidential investigation.’ There’s a big thing in Australian culture about not being a ‘dibber dobber,’ but I think it’s one of the barriers that we need to break down.

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AW: Academic integrity is more than just ‘not cheating’; it reflects our values as people and as a society. It’s really about acknowledging that nobody has new ideas — rather, everybody’s ideas and work build upon the knowledge of others. We approach our learning with trust, respect, honesty and truthfulness. When students graduate from UTS we want to be able to wholeheartedly say that these students can do the things we’ve set for them in the assessments that we know they’re capable of. When they go out there with a UTS degree, they’re really reflecting our values in our brand. That integrity comes from how we treat each other in everything — we talk about Respect.Now.Always, we talk about Consent Matters — I always talk about integrity from the perspective that it is us and our values with part of that being how we treat others, and how we treat the body of work that comes before us and our academic studies.

Someone I really looked up to said, ‘are you sure you want to do that? It’s a lot of work and that’s gonna come back on you. They’re gonna give you a bad rating and you’re not gonna have time to do all these other things.’ But it’s so important for the value of university, the value of what I stand for and so that really got me into the area of academic integrity.

We see very little plagiarism and very little misconduct in law students because they know that they might not be able to register as lawyers. If they’re caught in something it’s on their university record and they must disclose it, but that’s not the case in any other profession. There’s all of this discussion about how we change student perceptions, ‘How do we change student minds?’ We have to do something different. There’s been a lot of behind the scenes work at UTS and a lot of it is at the faculty level. The Academic Board of Representatives from UTS are really onboard in this academic integrity space and hopefully, we can increase the student’s voice and talk about why this is important.to the value of our degree. It’s important when the going gets tough, you don’t turn to a cheating service or borrow a friend’s assignment, but that you get the right type of help.

EE: I get targeted ads from Chegg Study all the time! I guess Google knows I’m a student so they think it’s relevant to me. AW: Look, it’s predatory. These cheating companies are predators; once you’ve bought one assignment from them, they will blackmail you saying, ‘Well if you don’t keep paying, we will tell your university that you cheated.’

ERIN EWEN

So, you know, they’re such big consequences that people don’t think about. You could just type into Twitter, ‘I’m really struggling with this law assignment,’ or ‘I’m really struggling with this accounting assignment’ and within two hours you will have people messaging you — and this could be on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, WeChat, Snapchat, TikTok — saying ‘we can write you something,’ it’s plagiarism-free. Like, no. It’s still cheating. This is something I mention a lot on Confessions when people say ‘Thanks Chegg for doing all these quizzes,’ and actually, that’s a sort of cheating. It’s also not a great learning and assessment design from the academic, and we tell academics not to use tests that come from publishers because they are all available online. But it’s about getting students in the right mindset. At the Woolies selfserve checkout, why don’t you take your very expensive items and scan them as onions? Most people don’t because they know it’s the wrong thing to do. Students feel lots of pressure from themsleves, their parents, financial pressures, — we know that this is a boiler pressure situation — but you have to try and change the attitude of the students to minimise these opportunities. EE: Back to online learning, something that we’ve all adjusted to and struggled with in the past year. From what I can see, you received a lot of positive feedback from your students. So how have you managed to provide a good classroom experience through online learning? AW: The biggest thing is creating relationships. Just through your humanity. You don’t create relationships with students by being a subject matter expert.

Student’s care that I’m interested in them, that we talk about things like mental health and the struggle. It’s not easy, right? Everybody has struggled. Trustbuilding is the most important thing I think to a good classroom experience. My students know I’m there for them and that I can point them in the right direction and will respond to their questions quickly. I bring who I am to the classroom, my students know I have kids, they know I have a dog, they know me through social media. I tell them my story, I tell them where I came from and I tell them why we’re doing particular assessments and why that’s important. And then, I ask for feedback at the end of each week. I want to know what worked and what didn’t, and why. I want to give students choice and agency in their learning. There are other tools of engagement like I don’t require students to put their webcams on, but we could use the chat-box or polls or reaction buttons. We have dance breaks! I’m really lucky to have a co-teacher, Camille Woods, and we put on our cheesiest 90’s pop and go crazy. Student’s could just be walking away from their computers...but you read the feedback and they say watching us dance like idiots has been the highlight of their week. Even in the classes I teach alone, it’s all about building trust and rapport. Like it’s okay not to be okay! We talk about the shitty things that have happened in our day. Or like, ‘Hey sorry I’m holding two kids who both have gastro, the assignments aren’t ready.’ I don’t tell them everything, but enough that they get a good feeling of who I am. EE: Now that we’re going into online learning for the beginning of the second semester, do you have any tips for students undertaking online learning? AW: Alright, number one is the 150-hour rule. Most students have no idea what this is. For a six credit point subject, we [tutors] build a reasonable volume of work for that subject. So if you think about 12 weeks of class, plus two weeks of STUVAC, that’s 14 weeks.

So you should be spending 10 hours and 40 minutes every single week on that subject. So that includes reading, videos, doing assignments and preparing for the final exam. So treat full-time uni as a full-time job and schedule it into your calendar, you can even give yourself stickers as a reward! But the 150-hour rule is really crucial. It gets hard when you’re at home, ‘cause you just think ‘I’ll watch it later at 2x speed,’ but the volume of time is really critical. Even if the class is at 9 a.m., just sit up in your bed. And the other thing is just to participate. And that could be doing a thumbs up, or typing something in the chatbox. No matter how many videos you watch or books you read, learning is about that activity, about practice. There are lots of lockdown equivalents actually. You can’t expect to make sourdough perfect the first time, no matter how many videos you watch.

EE: Thanks for giving us your time today. Lastly, do you have any favourite lockdown activities you’ve been doing you would like to recommend? AW: I am a huge fantasy sci-fi fan, so I have been re-watching The Witcher on Netflix. and if anyone’s looking for a great podcast that goes with it, Felicia Day has a great podcast called Undressing The Witcher, where she and another comedian I go through it scene-by-scene and just rip it to shreds.

Link to Felicia Day’s podcast: Undressing The Witcher

We are really loving this ABC TV show called Win the Week, which is a news and current affairs show hosted by Alex Lee, who also happens to be my cousin, but my kids are loving that current affairs show now. I also love to cook difficult things. I’m on a bit of a trip at the moment recreating the best Australian suburban Chinese recipes. There’s a great series on ABC called Chopstick or Fork, where they travel through country Australia, checking out different Chinese Australian restaurants. My dad’s family was in the Chinese restaurant business in the suburbs of Sydney, but I’ve never had fried ice cream before, and my dad was like… it’s not really a Chinese thing, it’s just something we have. So I made it myself!

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Even if you feel nervous, get involved, add that comment or participate in the discussion somehow. The more you engage, the more you feel like you belong. Be that first person to turn your camera on, even if you don’t have great hair or you’re wearing PJs. We actually have PJ day in my class so you can wear pyjamas if you want, or wear them every day! Just get involved and ask questions, we can’t read minds, especially when it’s just your initials in a black box.

Another thing that we love watching as a family is Bluey, which is for anybody out there who’s a parent. It’s a great parenting show. For those who don’t have kids, don’t watch it unless you want to see what parenting is like in real life.

I also love recreating anything you’d find at a Breadtop. If it’s complicated, I’ll cook it. EE: Oh wow impressive, I’ll have to check out that series. AW: Or I’m responding to confessions. It doesn’t feel like work, so responding to confessions doesn’t feel like something I have to do, it’s just something I want to do just to make students feel like they belong. UTS doesn’t pay me any extra. EE: Maybe they should! You can find Amanda on YouTube here:

You can find Amanda on Twitter here:

Within the Pages: Book Recommendations with UTS LitSoc by UTS Literary Society

OFFHAND

LitSoc is pleased to present a selection of recent reads that captivate and intrigue — books that brought us to unexpected realms of infatuation. Between the lines you will find gushing rivers of ecstasy or pools of light that make the dark worth traversing. If you would like to continue this discussion or find more books like these, you can find us on Instagram @utslitsoc or UTS Literary Society on Facebook.

CW: Sexual references, violence, racism, death, war

Remember, lockdown is a really important time to support local, independent book stores. Most are selling online during this time and need your support now, more than ever. If you’re tempted to buy anything on this list and have the means to, try avoiding Amazon and Booktopia and seek out indie bookstores in your area. Happy reading from the bookworms at LitSoc!

CallMe by Your N ame by André Aciman (Farrar, Straus and Giroux) Recommended by Zara Meier (President) “If I could have him like this in my dreams every night of my life, I’d stake my entire life on dreams and be done with the rest.” Ecstasy is a feeling that most of us crave, yet once it is gone, we sorrowfully wish we had never felt it at all. Injecting longing, tinged with regret, into every written word, Aciman provides an introspective look at first love and the intense array of emotions that come with it. He showcases obsession and infatuation in its rawest form, leading every reader to remember the one person they will never forget. The novel works as a cautionary tale for all who choose to stay silent about their feelings; warning that they may unknowingly pass up the opportunity to bare their soul to a phantasmagorical kind of love. Infusing his sensuous prose with wisdom from ancient writers, Aciman explores what it means to find the other half of yourself, detailing the enthralling high of understanding that you were once one, separated only by Zeus himself. If you don’t want to painfully relive all your deepest regrets and wallow in the loss of what could have been, this book is not for you. However, if you are willing to take that risk, to dive into the memories you once conceived too agonising to conjure, this book will transport you into the feeling of exquisite vulnerability you have been searching for ever since it left.

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig (Viking) Recommended by Erin Mason (Secretary) “Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.” In the back of all our minds is the simple, small, yet disarming question ‘What if?’. An endless onslaught of the other lives that we could have lived if we took that job, studied that instead, did something different. Sometimes we let ourselves get so caught up in it, we lose the life that we are living right now. Matt Haig’s story, The Midnight Library gives us a glimpse into a library between life and death, filled with endless versions of our lives. The protagonist gets to live out these alternate lives and see what could have been; could they have become famous, become an olympian? I’ll admit there’s something alluring about imagining what life could have been. But Haig’s story envelops readers and reassures us that the magic in our lives is not what could have been, but what we are doing right now. While I have no idea what is to come, I find peace and power knowing that I am happening now and so should you.

Allthe LightWe Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (Scribner) Recommended by Rashane Joseph (Vice President) “Open your eyes and see what you can with them before they close forever.”

OFFHAND

Have you ever started something with low expectations, only to be completely and inexplicably ensnared by it? All the Light We Cannot See was like that for me. Historical fiction is no favourite of mine, and even though I had heard the book was good, I did not expect to read it in one sitting. I think the reason I was so engrossed by it, apart from the beautiful language and amazing characters, was that it was such a hopeful book. It placed little shards of magic within an otherwise depressing reality — reminding you that even in the bleakest of situations, there is still beauty, whether it manifests in a simple radio broadcast, the actions of an unlikely hero, or even just the serendipity that can bring a person to exactly where they are needed most. Even though not all the characters get the happy endings they deserve — have some tissues at the ready — they all make their mark. Some inspire, some guide, some merely give kind words, but no matter how small the act may seem to them, it always has a lasting impact. Though the world may not be perfect, All the Light We Cannot See reminds us that life can still be sublime.

The Coconut Children by Vivian Pham (Penguin) Recommended by Talia Moodley (Publications Director) “They were together under the bruise-blue sky and forgot, or let themselves forget, for a moment, where the world was hurting.” There is a quote stamped across the front cover of many versions of this book that lauds this story as one that captures the essence of being from ‘elsewhere’, but I disagree. The Coconut Children is a story of what it means to grow up Australian when so much of your family and the love that shapes you, along with the trauma that binds you, is rooted in a place that you were neither born, nor raised in. Against this central theme, Pham uses the colours of the coming-ofage genre to expertly craft a love letter to youth in all its awkward and capricious glory. Placing readers in Cabramatta in the 90s, Pham also brings a fresh perspective to tropes we’ve read before, interweaving first love and high school parties with the consequences of violence and displacement. The only criticism I can think to give is that occasionally the ink of the prose may run purple enough to be clumsy, but even then, there is a certain charm in romanticising the everyday. Above all, when you turn the final page there is the prevailing sense that, despite everything, life is an amalgamation of all the beautiful moments — of everything sublime.

To Your Eternity (不滅のあなたへ) by Yoshitoki Ōima (Kodansha USA) Recommended by Melissa Lee (Content Creator) “I have a favour to ask. Remember me forever.” There’s something intrinsically and unexplainably precious about the relationships we have as humans. Whether they were a mentor, a friend, an enemy, or a stranger you passed on the train, we are left with a mosaic of memories, made up of hundreds of people that enter and exit our lives. Not every memory is romantic and pleasant; we all have our share of grief and loss and anger. But it’s through those authentic experiences that we keep people alive in our hearts, just as we live on through the stories people tell of us when we are no longer present in their immediate circles. Yoshitoki Ōima’s To Your Eternity paints a fantastical representation of such relationships through the eyes of an immortal being, learning what it means to be human. Is it heartbreaking? Absolutely. Is there beauty in it? The artwork and retrospect say yes. We learn to treasure the memories of those we did not have enough time with and be grateful for the time we have with those still with us. Like any good story, the characters will stay in your mind for a long time and remind you of the simple yet beautiful parts about what we live for.

On EarthWe’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (Penguin)

Recommended by Liam Maher (Treasurer)

UTS LITERARY SOCIETY

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined.” On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous is presented in the form of a love letter from an immigrant son to his illiterate mother — a letter he knows she will never be able to read. We follow the story of this letter to ‘Ma’, from her ‘Little Dog’ — a nickname given to him by his grandmother as “to love something is to name it after something so worthless it might be left untouched—and alive.” The letter uncovers the brutality of the Vietnam War, what it means to live in modern America, sexual exploration, what it means to be a mother, but also what it means to be a monster. Vuong falls onto the page with each word he writes.The lyrical reflections and unspoken words between a mother and her son are captivating, raw, and painful. As Little Dog lets his mother view the hidden parts of his life for the first time, he brings us on the journey as well.

The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune (Tor Books) Recommended by Katie Hopkins ( Publications Coordinator) “When something is broken, you can put it back together. It may not fit quite the same, or work like it did once before, but that doesn’t mean it’s no longer useful.” Self-acceptance can be a life-long journey, yet it is crucial to our existence. Each individual seeks to accept themselves, a pursuit bolstered by our relationships with others and understanding of our world. Through his wholesome and powerful novel The House in the Cerulean Sea, TJ Klune considers how love, individual power, and fighting against the status quo enables individuals to reject society’s expectations and instead express themselves as they choose. As such, Klune’s protagonist, Linus Baker, is so effective because of, rather than despite, his flaws. He does not possess magic or powers like many others in the novel. He is not young, nor charismatic, nor brave. He is a middle-aged desk worker, and it is through this ordinariness that Klune demonstrates the power of kindness and empathy, and that external love comes from accepting yourself. The House in the Cerulean Sea is fundamentally a beautiful story of found family, self-acceptance, and the power of an open mind.

From Me to You (君に届け kimi ni tod oke) by Karuho Shiina (Viz Media) Recommended by Nadya Labiba (Marketing Director) “Someday...someday, I wonder if I’ll reach you?” Friendship is a funny thing sometimes. Oftentimes it comes to us when we least expect it, pushed together by chance, a simple gesture, and strong emotions. But what starts as a series of awkward moments can blossom into a garden of precious memories, where one day you find yourself staring back in awe, laughing, wondering where all the time has gone. Shunned for most of her life for her resemblance to the terrifying ghost from The Ring, Sawako ‘Sadako’ Kunonuma has never had many friends. That is until she accidentally strikes up a conversation with her future classmate, Shouta Kazehaya, and becomes touched by his kindness. As they continue to converse with each other, something — maybe friendship, maybe something more — blooms between them, and Sawako’s world starts looking a whole lot brighter. I recommend this story to anyone who has ever felt alone, and invite you to follow Sawako as she grows as a person, extending her kindness to others as Kazehaya did for her and forming newfound friendships.

Humankind:A HopefulHistory by Rutger Bregman (Little, Brown and Company) Recommended by Yasmine Ajaje (Event Secretary) “Do good in broad daylight, and don’t be ashamed of your generosity … It is time for a new realism. It is time for a new view of humankind.”

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It is easy during these times of uncertainty to fall back on pessimistic views of the people in our own community and strangers throughout our city, viewing those around us as selfish, dangerous, and untrustworthy. Bregman brings to light a simple but revolutionary argument — to assume that people are good. Though initially doubtful, Bregman starts his proof from over 200,000 years ago, reframing and highlighting time and time again, through a range of events in history, that human kindness is the single strength keeping us together. From Machiavelli, Hobbes, and Freud to today’s cynical social media outlets, it is only fair to be selfish and governed by self-interest. However, with a real-life Lord of the Flies scenario, an infamous New York murder, and countless University experiments, Bregman slowly proves that we do not have to shield ourselves and our loved ones from the world we created. Instead, we ought to embrace our neighbours (in a COVIDsafe way, of course) and trust in the world our predecessors feared. I cannot recommend this book enough. It brings so many warm feelings and positive, realistic realities to light, giving you faith in when you need it most.

The Al chemist by Paulo Coelho (Harper One) Recommended by Trinity Stockwell (Events Co-Director) “There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” Lockdown is undoubtedly a strange and confusing time in which many of us feel trapped and lack self-assurance. Last lockdown, I experienced these feelings myself and found myself searching for escapism and inspiration. Luckily, I found The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, a novel that explores the great lengths Santigo goes to to discover his ‘personal legend’ — his path in life — and the numerous life lessons he learns along the way. The journey of self-discovery plotted by Coelho is one that any reader will be able to relate to, making this novel’s theme universal. Do not be fooled by the apparent simplicity of this novel; upon closer inspection, you will find yourself feeling inspired and in awe of the ‘soul stirring wisdom’ that is littered throughout its pages. The beauty of this novel is that each reader will take away their own piece of wisdom. I was especially inspired by the lesson to accept that failure is a part of the process when you set out to follow your dreams.

F UNI

N T HE U

O YS

TED J C E O XP

CW: Alcohol, mental ill-health

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ERIN UTS Global Exchange. For six months in 2019, I lived and studied in Aarhus, Denmark and it literally changed my life. I know that’s an overused cliche, but I swear it’s true. The people I met and the experiences I had were truly magical. I studied at the Danish School of Media and Journalism and travelled to Copenhagen, Brussels and Dublin to write stories. My entire life turned into a pinch-me-moment for six whole months. I still speak to the friends I made almost every day and cannot wait for the day I am Denmark-bound again. Oh, I also learnt how to open a beer bottle with almost any item around me — fork, table, fridge, chair leg, another beer bottle — you name it.

SEVIN It’s hard to speak about these topics without sounding super generic and soppy. But if I’m going to be completely honest, the best thing about uni for me was truly the people I met along the way. Who knew the welcome-drinks I attended for a society I never paid membership for, and a law discussion group that sucked the soul out of me, would gift me years of friendship? Living on campus definitely gave me an advantage, but I still made sure to put in effort. I joined societies, sparked conversations during mundane lectures and literally just stayed back after class to have lunch. And trust me, you will forget about the essays you got good marks for... my advice is to ditch the assignments and go have fun. You might end up repeating a subject — but it’s worth it (in my humble opinion).

HANNAH For me, the best part of uni has been getting to meet people with the same passions as me. While it’s been harder getting to know my peers online, it’s made me really appreciate the times where I get to mingle with people that I have common interests with — nothing beats finding that one person that understands your burning hatred for a particular typeface. I also love (and miss) the atmosphere of being on campus. The simple joy of soaking up some sun with friends on the Alumni Green between classes is definitely a feeling I’m going to miss after graduation.

MAULI When I started uni I was determined to make the most of it, and not just be here to study. I made a point to attend as many welcome drinks for as many societies as possible (to take full advantage of turning 18), and I would choose which ones to join after. I know it’s difficult to join a society when you don’t know anyone, but I have to say, every single volunteering society at UTS is worth joining. My best experiences at uni came as a result of joining societies like EWB or The Big Lift, where I was able to join 40 students on a trip into regional NSW and QLD and pay it forward to communities in need. There are many, many more things that you can gain from volunteering and in the end (as cheesy as it sounds) it really doesn leave you with a sense of fulfilment! So, looking back at the last few semesters I have left, I can safely say that the best things I’ve done at uni have come as a result of giving to others, and I’ve definitely made the most of my experience here.

ALICE

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Unexpectedly, the best part of uni was the person I was able to grow into. I am so different to my 18-year-old self and I’m so glad that I am. In my first year, I was pretty introverted because I felt overly secure with my existing friendships and wanted to stay in my comfort zone. However, second year came around and my friend and I thought screw it. We should do something interesting. So, we attended 2019 EWB’s nEWBie Night and I began to see how uni could be so much more than studying for me. My good experience with one society led me to take on few other extracurricular activities like the UTS Consulting Club and Vertigo! I have made so many friends — a few of which are my best now, and gained confidence in a variety of new skills. I’ve become somewhat of an extrovert now and someone that pushes her own boundaries. I think that’s something I can carry and build upon for the rest of my life.

ANGELA The best of uni was when I dropped out of USYD and transferred to UTS. I started my university journey as an unambitious and lost 18-year-old, stuck in a degree that I was not interested in. I spent two and a half years battling depression and anxiety as a result, and building up a HECS debt for a degree I would never get. In one blind (and very sudden) moment of courage, I applied to study Creative Writing at UTS. I neglected to mention it to my parents or any friends, not until I was a week away from starting classes at my new university. And not a day goes by that I don’t regret abruptly transferring to UTS (no, seriously, I cannot stress how little thought went into the process — I really did it on a whim on my phone on the bus; USYD broke me mentally) and pursuing studies that I actually care about. Turns out I’m actually kind of a good student when I’m learning about things I have a talent for and surrounded by like-minded creatives. The size of my HECS debt is a pity though.

RACHEL + KATHERINE The best thing about our uni experience was being able to have a partner in crime the entire journey. For five long years we were able to share the ups and downs of double degree life. Not many students choose to do Visual Communication and International studies together, let alone share the same major and get into the same exchange program. We had the amazing experience of living in Berlin together for what we thought would be an entire year (but ended up being one month). While devastated by the effects of travel bans, we were delighted to begin our next journey together on the Vertigo Editorial Team. Looking back on our time at UTS, we find comfort in knowing that while neither of us succeeded in learning German, we did grow in confidence as designers. As we come closer to our final days in uni, we’re glad to have had each other to always talk shit!

The Sublime Playlist by Lachie Davis

Photography by Anchal Luthra

@lachie_davis How should I listen to this?

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1. Original order (no shuffle) 2. 4 second crossfade (very important!) 3. Gapless playback & automix turned ON 4. Mono audio turned OFF

PG# 78

The journey of love over 18 tracks. Elements of love within, some more emotionally-charged, others more physically-focused.

1. Amore mio aiutami (Main Theme) by Piero Piccioni 2. Really Love by D'Angelo 3. All I Do (Single Version) by Stevie Wonder

4. I Just Wanna Make Sweet Love Tonight by Sunrize 5. Could Heaven Ever Be Like this by Idris Muhammad 6. I Wanna Be Where You Are by Marvin Gaye 7. Je t'aime... moi non plus by Serge Gainsbourg, Jane Birkin 8. Untitled (How Does It Feel) by The Isley Brothers 9. Isn't She Lovely by Tom Misch 10. Everybody Here Wants You by Jeff Buckley SECTION OFFHAND NAME

11. Call My Name by Prince 12. Thinkin Bout You by Frank Ocean 13. Cigarettes and Coffee by Otis Redding

14. Don't It Make It Better by Bill Withers 15. Fogo do Sol by Marcos Valle

16. Waves Crashing on Distant Shores of Time by Clint Mansell 17. Love Theme by Vangelis

79 PG#

Sagittarius Gemini What are you conspiring now? You’re constantly busy juggling tasks — and have a million thoughts in your head. Time to take a break. You will benefit from a period of radio silence in your life, it will prevent brain fog from building up. You have so much time. Heal a little.

How many people have you ghosted this week? You easily attract lovers with your dynamic personality, but when it comes to long-term commitment, you keep running away. That’s okay, commitment is scary. Just remember, if you want to end a situationship, you can still do so amicably. “Let’s just be friends” will do.

Apart from logic — do you experience any human emotions? Sometimes, it may feel like all work and no play when it comes to navigating the emotional realm. Tap into those difficult emotions, and don’t try to explain it. Or control it. This will truly be a grounding exercise for you. Emotions are wonderful, and logic can’t always reason with them — ride the wave.

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HOROSC

by Sevin Pakbaz CW: Sexual references

Cancer

Libra

When was the last time you cried?

Do you know the difference between a healthy interest and an obsession? Usually you love balance, you’re all over it in your life — with your friends, work and family. But when it comes to certain hobbies and interests, you can be fixated. Your fascination is inspiring, but don’t let it consume you. Keep the scales even.

Photography by Anchal Luthra 80

Capricorn

Aquarius How are the shadow people going? Just checking up on you, friend. You have your head in the clouds pretty often, and honestly there’s nothing wrong with that. People are drawn to your stories and the unique insight you give. So continue to give yourself enough alone time to restore power and relish in your daydreams. You may be manifesting them to reality.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to cry, water baby. Just make sure you talk and walk it out too. Being in touch with your emotions is a blessing, and a curse if you let them overwhelm you in the long run. You’ve definitely got it in you to find the balance.

ARIES Pisces When will you stop playing THE victim? Just kidding — that’s what a hater would say. Bestie, you are more than your emotions. Tap into your talents. If you want to grow in these slow times, dabble in art, music, and any sort of creative expression you enjoy. Allow yourself the same time and energy you give to others so easily.

Are they boring — or do you just confuse toxicity as fun? You’re known as the daredevil sign who impulsively chases highs for a reason. Sit down, let’s talk. Instant gratification can wait for now. Focus on channeling this dynamic energy elsewhere, and plant your seeds where it will actually pay off. There are healthier ways to seek the rush of endorphins. Try parkour?

Leo

You can be classy on a budget — cheap thrills are always around the corner. As someone who intrinsically enjoys sensual indulgences — because of your ruling planet Venus — tap into that. Warm bath, a relaxing skincare, and gentle massages from a lover. You deserve it!

Scorpio

How many times have you looked in the mirror today? I hope at least twice. Keep doing it — nothing wrong with all that self-love. People will try to bring you down for putting yourself first. They’re projecting; they don’t know how to celebrate themselves like you do. So continue. Take another glimpse — maybe a photo? It’ll last longer.

Why is your only dream becoming a millionaire?

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COPES

Taurus

How many sneaky links do you currently have on your roster?

Virgo Why are you trying so hard to sell your soul? The theme here is to reset. Being a perfectionist at heart means you’re always putting yourself under pressure. While being systematic in your approach to life can take you places — you’re not a robot. Allow yourself to make mistakes along the way and embrace the authenticity of imperfection.

So much sexual tension in the books for you. Do you, boo, but make sure the people you’re carving out time for and allowing into your space, deserve your addictive energy. Your passion may be mistaken for lust sometimes, so communicate when it’s not the case — even if it is challenging.

Stud ent’s Association Reports

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CW: Mental ill-health, sexual assault, sexism, racism, colonisation

Sabrine Yassine Welfare Officer Well, here we are: another semester, another lockdown. As students living and learning through a global pandemic, now more than ever we need to focus our attention on our welfare and make sure that we are checking in on ourselves and others. We can’t even begin to imagine the difficulties of each students’ individual circumstances due to COVID-19, as lockdown brings about so many more new obstacles, whether they be financial, academic, or otherwise. It can be hard to stay motivated from home and mental health is on a decline with 76% of students saying that online education has drastically reduced their desire to attend and participate in their classes. And it will begin to weigh on students as classes may feel like a burden rather than a privilege. You can speak about what’s affecting you and seek professional advice; the Welfare Collective is advocating for better counsel-

ling and help in these challenging (and unfortunately familiar) times and constantly looking for ways that student welfare can be looked after and improved remotely. Keep an eye out on our social media pages for our initiatives and events. We endorse and advocate all UTS students to use the range of services available whether it be counselling, financial assistance, or our legal service. As long as students ask, they will receive! If you are dealing with any specific welfare struggles right now, please contact us via our Facebook page or direct message us on Instagram and we will be able to provide assistance or refer you to someone who can. I also strongly encourage anyone who has ideas on how we can improve student welfare at UTS to contact me at welfare@utsstudentsassociation.org Please follow our Welfare Collective on Instagram @uts.welfare.collective for more updates on our upcoming projects!

Ellie Woodward

Ethnocultural Officer

Education Officer

Hi there again!

We are currently amid the Enterprise Bargaining Agreement at UTS. This is the time when staff members in the NTEU (National Tertiary Education Union) can collectively bargain with UTS for improved wages and conditions, resulting in an agreement for the next four years. This is a very important time because under Australia’s very strict industrial actions laws, an EBA is the only time that staff can take industrial action — and even then, they can only do so relating specifically to their wages and conditions. This is an incredibly important time to fight back against UTS Management’s attacks on staff conditions and student learning. Staff will be fighting for their conditions, hours, and pay, among other things that affect our education. If they choose to take strike action, it is important that we support them by NOT going to class during a strike. As students, we can support staff by talking to other students about what is going on and how our education and staff are being attacked, showing solidarity with your tutors, and coming to NTEU and EAG forums and meetings!

Since the last Vertigo publication, the Ethnocultural Collective has been working towards a bunch of cool and exciting things — social and activist! One of the most exciting things is our lobbying of politicians in relation to the #HomeToBiloela campaign. If you haven’t heard, the ‘Home To Biloela’ campaign aims for the return of the Tamil-Australian Murugappan family to their home in Biloela, Queensland. This comes after their unjust, forced detention on Christmas Island in 2018 and their most recent community detention in Perth. For 2 nights (so far), we have gathered together over Zoom to email members of both the acting government and their Opposition, in order to ‘email bank’ and build pressure on these figures to act. Though to some it might seem small and inconsequential compared to actions such as protests, it’s important that we all take time to think about the little ways we can nudge public policy in our favour, together and coordinated — after all, there is power in numbers! Additionally, we’ve been discussing and planning Spring Semester events, which should be productive and insightful! In our group chat, we have been discussing and sharing the racist actions of NSW Police in South-West and Western Sydney triggered by the latest resurgence of Covid-19 and our subsequent lockdown. (Let’s hope we’re out by the time of this Vertigo publication — fingers crossed!) If you identify as Indigenous, a Person of Colour, or as someone marginalised by the mainstream Australian monoculture, and you want to get involved in ANY of this, get in touch with us at ethnocultural@utsstudentsassociation.org or fill out the contact form at utsstudentsassociation.org.au/collectives/ethnocultural! Otherwise, we’d love your support on our Facebook and Instagram pages! The handles are @UTSethnocultural. Cheers! Melodie Grafton (she/they)

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Melodie Grafton

Speaking of forums, the EAG is hosting an online forum at 3pm, August 26th, about the attacks on staff and students at UTS and how we fight back — you can find the event on the @ UTSEAG Facebook page. Come along to hear from staff and student speakers and talk about how we can collectively fight back! There is also a cross-campus forum on August 16th that will run while the Vice Chancellors from universities across Sydney meet online to talk about how best to undermine education and make profits. So we will have our own Zoom summit and discuss how best to stop them. The event can be found on our FB page! The attacks are going to keep on coming and we will support staff through lockdown, but until it is safe to get out there and rally again on the Alumni Green, we’ll be hosting forums, meetings, and publishing educational materials to show students what is happening at our university. Thanks for reading!! Feel free to email us at education@utsstudentsassociation.org with any questions.

Eshna Gupta

What you can expect in Semester Two! As a collective, we are going to try our best to provide the best experience we can and be as active as possible — despite the current global health crisis! We are: • Having a weekly reading group! We are reading Women, Race & Class by Angela Davis. Sign up to our mailing list UTS Women’s Collective (WoCo) is a group for misogyny-affor more info! fected (women, trans, gender-diverse, and intersex) students. • Arranging panels with other collectives about: In the past semester, we have provided members with a safe Everyday Aggressions (micro-aggressions) space in Building 3 (CB3.4.32) where you can unwind and have a Prison Abolition and Feminist Movement chat with like-minded people at any time of the day! We’ve also • Having online social events such as: organised social events like picnics, games, and movie nights! Games nights WoCo is also a staunchly political space; we’ve helped organMovie screenings ise protests, contingents, and political education. Some of the Drinks nights campaigns we’re currently running include: #PayOurNursesAnd• Having joint events with USYD and Macquarie Women’s Midwives, a National Day of Action against sexual assault at Colletives! universities, and a re-evaluation of consent education (Respect. Continuing to build our many campaigns Now.Always) at UTS. • Continuing to be a visible activist group at rallies and protests WoCo stands for the liberation of all oppressed people, specif• Grow and strengthen our network of support! ically those who are oppressed by the structures of the patriarchy. We organise on Gadigal land and recognise as a feminist organisation that our fight for women’s rights must be intersec- Unfortunately, many of the events mentioned above are betional and centre Indigenous women. Our feminism is anti-colo- coming increasingly hard to organise due to a lack of cooperation from the UTS Student’s Association. Women’s Collective nial, queer, anti-capitalist and environmentally-friendly! We are has refused to divulge the identities of students who choose working with other collectives to make sure that our activism is to remain anonymous for personal safety reasons. We have inclusive and diverse. spoken out against the UTSSA and their by-laws dictating that collectives are not allowed to poster on campus. Because We provide a supportive space for students, from our physical Women’s Room in Building 3 to out on the street protesting. We of this, all of our funding has been suspended and we have been prohibited from using most university spaces. Women’s accompany students to rallies and make sure no one is ever Collective stands in solidarity with all autonomous collectives alone in fighting for what’s right. who have been affected by the unjust actions of the UTSSA At our weekly meetings we plan campaigns, educate ourselves, and will continue to fight for a campus where we are free to engage in activism without jeopardising our members’ safety and discuss topical issues. Our aim is to share ideas, broaden or the Collective’s morals. We will still have all the aforemeneveryone’s understanding of gender equality, and provide a tioned events thanks to financial support from the USYD SRC social break from the chaos of university! and USYD Women’s Collective.

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Women’s Collective

Get involved! Sign up to our mailing list by visiting eepurl.com/hD0O5r Follow our Instagram @utswoco! Like the new UTS Women’s Collective Facebook page (www.facebook.com/utswoco/) and come along to our events Join our Facebook group! “2021 UTS Women’s Collective” Come and check us out! We’re always looking for new faces and would love to meet you! 2021 Women’s Officer, Eshna Gupta, and Convenor, Cat Doherty

Submit to Vertigo Vertigo is always on the lookout for creative writing, visual art, feature articles, news, and reviews in the following sections: Fiction Short stories, poetry, flash fiction: we want it all!

Amplify Home to culture, music, fashion, arts and lifestyle. This section showcases individuals in their creative elements. We’re looking to support and promote the creative scene of UTS and cover events near you. Offhand This weird and wonderful section features quizzes, games, playlists, satire and comics. Nothing is too quirky or weird! Showcase Interested in presenting some visual art you’ve created? We’re always looking for standalone artworks, as well as visuals to feature alongside written pieces. We want to see any of your architecture, fashion, photography, typography, or any other art-related works.

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Non-Fiction We want non-fiction and creative non-fiction writing from all facets of life: essays, opinion pieces, memoirs and campus issues. Anything you’re interested in, we’re interested in too.

Cold Submissions Have something you wrote a while ago? Or maybe an assignment that you’re quite proud of? Send in your completed piece to submissions@utsvertigo.com.au with a brief summary and what section you would like to be featured in. Pitches Have an idea that you’re not quite sure how to finish? Send it over with the following: • Title • Summary of themes and content • Style and tone • How long you’d like the piece to be If you have any examples of previous work, please attach them to your email too! Contact us Email your work or ideas at submissions@utsvertigo.com.au and one of our editors will be in touch! Remember to follow us on Facebook and Instagram for callouts! For other inquiries, contact us at editorial@utsvertigo.com.au Social Media utsvertigo.com.au (new website!) @utsvertigo @utsvertigo Vertigo + Vertigo On Air

PG# 85

CONTRIBUTORS Alice Winn

Augustine Flett

Alice is a fourth-year Bachelor of Civil Engineering student. She’s quite obsessed with mid-late century abstract home decor and furniture at the moment. You can find her on Instagram @its.eiei. Anchal Luthra

Augustine is a visual communications graduate. Likes; pitter pattery d&b and clean desks. You can find him on instagram @augustineflett (and follow his work through a creative company he directs @arctwelve, www.arc-12.com.au). Christina Eastman

Anchal is a 2nd year Visual Communication student. She likes elegant serif typefaces, chicken burritos and rewatching the Twilight series an unhealthy amount of times. You can find her on Instagram @anchal.jpg.

Christina is a final-year Visual Communication student. Fun Fact: Her favourite era is the 70’s and would like the whole Bee Gees discography played at her funeral. You can find her on Instagram @cheastm. Ella Smith Ella is a final-year Communications student. This year her team won gold at the national surf boat rowing competition. You can find her on Instagram @ellaasmith. Emma Turney Emma is a third-year Visual Communication student. In her spare time you can find her making coffees, daydreaming and creating art from her bedroom studio. You can find them on Instagram @emmaturneydesign Erin Ewen Erin is a final-year Journalism and Creative Writing student. It’s been three years and she still refuses to decide. You can find her on Instagram @erin_ewen.

Evlin DuBose Evlin is a Media Arts & Production and Creative Writing graduate. She’s an Australian-American, bisexual, daisypunk composer, writer, filmmaker, and creative. You can find her work at linktr.ee/evlin and on Instgram @evlindubose. Hebah Ali Hebah is a Media Arts and production graduate, who spends too much time building her TikTok empire. You can find her on Instagram @hebah.a. Jemma O’Connell Jemma is a third-year Viscom Student. Jemma loves dogs, (and/or all animals), Formula One, this year’s season of UK Love Island and most importantly, Jesus. You can find her on Instagram at @jemma_ oconnelldesigns. Jeremy Fung Jeremy is a third-year Business and Law student. When he’s not studying, writing or gaming, he’s probably sleeping. You can find him on Instagram @jeremy.c.fung. Joseph Hathaway-Wilson Joseph is a first-year Communication and BCII student. You might see him strolling through Marrickville with his headphones on. Don’t talk to him (unless it’s important). Instead, get in touch on Instagram @joehwilson. Julia van Oppen Julia is a third-year Animation student. She loves drawing about her life and drawing canary, and the colour purple (even thought she swears she isn’t a purple girl anymore). You can find them on Instagram and Twitter @lukalunar. Lachie Davis Lachie is a third-year Business student. When he’s not knee-deep in early ’80s funk and disco, there’s a good chance he’ll be scouring the internet to feed his retro football kit addiction. You can find him on Instagram @brekkiechampion.

Mauli Fernando Mauli is a fourth-year engineering student. As you can tell by his piece, he can’t wait for summer. You can find him on Instagram @bobmauli. Samara Robertson Samara is a Communications student. You can find her on Instagram @samrobertson_. Sevin Pakbaz Sevin is a final-year Law and Communication (journalism) student. If you’ve read the Horoscope, you should know that she’s good at giving life advice but not taking any. You can find her @seviiiinnnn. Simran Parekh Simran is a second-year Communication and Laws student. She loves complaining about being sleep deprived instead of actually sleeping, making playlists, and inventing new ways to procrastinate. You can find them on Twitter and Spotify @simwalkedaway and on Instagram @itsnotsimran. Tom Disalvo Tom is a fourth-year Creative Writing and Journalism student. You can find him on Instagram @tomdisalvo. UTS Literary Society UTS LitSoc is your gateway to the sublime worlds of literature. For more information, you can cross the threshold to them through Instagram @utslitsoc or UTS Literary Society on Facebook. Zac Agius Zac is a fourth-year Media Arts & Production and Creative Writing student. He has a stack of unproduced screenplays that’ll make their way to your screen soon. You can find him at zacagius.cargo.site or @zacagius_

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Photography by Anchal Luthra

Thank you for supporting Vertigo PG#

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Photographer: FJ Gaylor

Enquire Now UTS Tower Building, Level 3, Room 22 | (02) 9514 1155 utsstudentsassociation.org.au/peertutoring

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VOLUME 5: SUBLIME

Articles inside

The Sublime