Issue Ten - 2013

ISSUE 10 ‘SO IT GOES’

EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story

CREATIVE DIRECTORS Sunyoung Hwang Catherine Lao

CO NTENTS

CREATIVE TEAM Minh Bui Patrick Forrest Ana-Clarise Rueda Nadia Yui COVER IMAGE Frances Mao

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NOT YOUR AVERAGE NUMSKULL

ADVERTISING Stephanie King

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CONTRIBUTORS Gina Baldassarre Eliza Berlage Kieran Boyd Rudi Bremer Helen Chang Sarah Christie Daniel Comensoli James Elton-Pym Belinda Grant-Geary Whitney Higginson Andy Huang

Uthra Jayakumar Lachlan McKenzie Ross Milbourne Samuel Millsom Alex Mitchell Julie Morris Jake Nielsen Joshua Rebolledo Jack Schmidt Julian van der Zee Alison Whittaker

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The beanbag Our friends, families and significant others World’s Deadliest Spiders The trolley Zip taps Avatar Gin

The haters.

Seriously, the haters.

We made a badass magazine.

We could put anything here and you wouldn’t even notice.

Crowded trains VERTIGO

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WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville

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SHOWCASE: JAKE NIELSEN

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EDITORIAL CALENDAR UTS DEEPER INSIDER THE VICE-CHANCELLOR SPEAKS: ACADEMIA ISN’T EVERYTHING I JUST FINISHED FIRST YEAR I JUST FINISHED FIFTH YEAR RE(AD)HAB SOAPBOX NOT YOUR AVERAGE NUMSKULL EVERYTHING BUT THE TRUTH SHOWCASE: HELEN CHANG TABLE TALK DO YOU BE-REEF IN LOVE, ECO LOVE? FIND-A-ROSSY GEN WHY?: TECH SEX STREET STYLE THE VERTIGO 2013 YEARBOOK SHOWCASE: JAKE NIELSEN DEFAMER CAPITAL OFFENCE REWIND/FAST-FORWARD A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A DANGEROUS THING IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? BORED STUPID?!

HORRORSCOPES SA REPORTS

Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@uts vertigo.com.au for enquiries.

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40 000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition of and compensation for past injustices.

This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nast y organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.

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E DITORIAL

CALENDAR

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, For the last 12 months, nine other students and I have been the custodians of the UTS student magazine. In 2012, the student body elected us into the position after we promised to bring four things to Vertigo: more editions per year, more writers from different faculties, more online content and, arguably most importantly, more smut.

I’m not here to boast about our achievements or justify our failings. Whether you read it consistently or only picked it up for the terrible/fantastic puns, Vertigo is your student magazine and it’s up to you to be both our biggest fans and biggest critics.

If you think Vertigo doesn’t represent student life at UTS, it’s up to you to change it – contribute to the magazine, run for office or vote for someone different next time. And if you think we made good on our election promises, then there’s always ways you can help continue to make Vertigo the coolest, smuttiest publication on campus. Read the magazine, give future editors feedback and, above all, realise that Vertigo wouldn’t exist without its tireless volunteer army of editors, writers, designers and artists. It is UTS students who make Vertigo great and without them, we’d not only have no student magazine, but yet another opportunity for USyd students to think they’re better than us.

So on behalf of the 2013 editorial team, I’d like to thank each and every one of you for whatever part you had in making Ver tigo great. It hasn’t always gone to plan and admittedly some of those puns were cringe-worthy, but it’s been an absolute pleasure serving as your Vertigo editors. But before we pass the baton to the 2014 editorial team, we still have one more edition to get you through these last couple of weeks at UTS. For our open-minded readers, Julian van der Zee interviews the 2013 Director of the Festival of Dangerous Ideas and Alex Mitchell gives us a rundown on the Truthers 9/11 conspiracy movement. For all the greenies out there (or those pretending to be greenies in order to pick up hippies), Julie Morris has got a guide to sustainable eating, and Jack Schmidt explores how mining is ruining the Great Barrier Reef. Finally, departing UTS Vice-Chancellor Ross Milbourne shares his wisdom and makes an appearance in our centrefold. Anyone who can find him without needing to look up what he looks like goes into the draw to win a free copy of Vertigo.

Happy reading/procrastinating and I hope this year we made life at UTS a little less dull.

Love, Lachlan and The Vertigo Team.

WEEK 13

WEEK 14

Monday 28th October

Tuesday 5th November

10th Issue of Vertigo hits stands today

Melbourne Cup Day Celebrations @ The Glasshouse

Tuesday 29th October

Wednesday 6th November

Jurassic Lounge: Halloween 6pm @ Australian Museum

Vere (Faith) @ Sydney Opera House

Thursday 31st October Halloween Party 7pm @ The Glasshouse

Friday 1st November British India 8pm @ Metro Theatre

Saturday 2nd November Festival of Dangerous Ideas 2013 Spit Syndicate 8pm @ The Hi-Fi

Meraki: A collection of film, form and experimental writing 6pm @ Skunkworks Artspace Marrickville

Friday 8th November Last teaching day of Spring semester. Summer’s here bitches!

Saturday 9th November UTS centrally conducted examinations begin

UTS DEEPER INSIDER WHEN NEWS (OR A CRANE) BREAKS, TURN TO PAGE 6 FOR ALL THE CAMPUS NEWS, GOSSIP, AND DOWNRIGHT SLANDER THAT’LL LAST A THREE-WEEK PRINT RUN.

James Elton-Pym

Following budget troubles at UTS’s Indigenous learning centre Jumbunna, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander students at UTS may now miss out on previously received tutoring due to a new application process that assesses students on their level of need.

An email Jumbunna sent to its students on October 7, obtained by Vertigo, explained that some pupils would find their access to tutoring restricted.

“Jumbunna must allocate the available hours to those students in most educational need,” it said.

“This is only fair.”

The Indigenous Collective has been granted $15 000 by the SRC to fund its own tutoring service, to assist students who may now be missing out on the federally funded Indigenous Tutorial Assistance Scheme (ITAS) that Jumbunna provides.

Rudi Bremer, UTS’s elected Indigenous Officer, said the changes were having a significant impact.

“We’re concerned that this has put some students in the position of feeling like they would have to fail before they can ask for help.”

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She also believes the cuts could speak to a perception that some Indigenous students do not deserve free assistance. “Students who had previously been accessing ITAS felt that, by being told the program was not intended to be used by high performing students, they were being accused of misusing the services,” she said.

Jumbunna will now decide who receives tutoring by evaluating students’ risk of failing subjects.

Bremer said that metric creates stigma. “There is that factor of if you’ve got [a tutor], you must not be doing well…there’s a bit of a shame factor with some people.”

Jumbunna director Michael McDaniel said the budget shortfall was largely caused by an influx of new students — an increase of 30% from last year. While Federal Government funding is paid per student, it is applied “retrospectively” based on the previous year’s numbers.

McDaniel said there has always been an application process.

“Indigenous students have never had an automatic right to access ITAS,” he said. “This seems to not be understood by some.”

A recent pay rise for tutors aimed at making Jumbunna a more attractive employer has stretched the budget further. Pay was increased from $50 per hour for all tutors to $55 for student tutors and $75 for graduates. Bremer said that in particular, Jumbunna was trying to compete with the ITAS service at the University of Sydney.

Freda Hammond, who runs the service at USyd, said their tutors are paid $48 an hour, and have been for some time. While ITAS applicants at USyd are assessed on the basis of need, Hammond said she could only think of one student who had

been refused in the five years she has worked there.

She said their organisation is in good financial shape, but if that ever changed they would avoid scaling back tutoring. “[We] would spread the money out more evenly.”

Bremer said the $15 000 will only keep the Collective’s replacement classes running until the end of the year. “This is not something that we can renew at all next year,” she said.

McDaniel said the new model was fair and that overall, more ITAS hours are being provided to more students than before.

Faster Degrees Come In Threes Frances Mao

tracked degree would “be attractive for students and the university so long as we can maintain the learning outcomes required in each teaching period,” Dwyer said.

UTS has a slightly longer timetabling format than other universities.

Currently, the two main semesters run for 14 weeks, plus two weeks for exams. Summer school teaching periods can last for six to eight weeks depending on the subject.

The university’s assessment of the trimester timetabling option is expected to conclude at the end of the year. It is unlikely that any changes will be made to the academic calendar before 2015.

Master Plan Not Hitting All Targets Lachlan Bennett

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Funding Woes For Indigenous Tutoring Program

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UTS students could possibly complete their course faster with the university considering introducing three-semester academic years in 2015.

In a bid to shorten the two primary teaching periods, the Autumn and Spring semester, the university is looking into the option of introducing a longer summer school period while trimming the two existing semesters.

While this option would not see all courses adopt the full trimester model, according to Anne Dwyer, the Deputy Vice-Chancellor for Corporate Services, the university has noted that a shorter completion time, particularly in postgraduate courses, would be highly desirable. A fast-

UTS is likely to reassess some aspects of its 10-year strategic plan, with a 2012 performance report revealing the university was slightly worse at achieving its performance targets compared to 2011.

The annual report, which can only be accessed by staff, uses 22 Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) to measure UTS’s progress towards achieving its ultimate goal of becoming “a world-leading university of technology”.

In 2012, only 13 KPIs either exceeded or fell into a tolerable margin of their “deliberately ambitious” targets, partly due to performance being hindered by a

number of circumstances outside of UTS’s control.

“In a deregulated student market with an ongoing Higher Education reform agenda, a high Australian dollar and an incessant worldwide focus on rankings, we need to reassess our strategic initiatives for 2014-2016 throughout 2013 in light of significant changes in the external environment,” the report reads.

Last year, UTS failed to meet its greenhouse gas emissions reduction target of 9%, reducing emissions by only 4% compared to a 6% reduction in 2011.

Increasing the proportion of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander students has also been a challenge for the university, with only 1% of domestic students being Indigenous.

Indigenous staff numbers did increase from 1.4% to 2% in 2012, however that percentage was still short of its 2.2% target.

Indigenous representation continues to be one of three “problematic areas of performance” for UTS, along with increasing graduate employment rates and UTS’s share of domestic market demand.

UTS triumph at Australian Uni Games Belinda Grant-Geary

UTS

UTS have again proven to be serious competition in university

sport, placing fourth overall at the Australian University Games, held earlier this month.

41 universities sent over 4500 students to the Gold Coast to compete in the largest annual multisport event held in Australia.

After dominating the Eastern University Games earlier this year, UTS showed they could wet their whistle and deliver the spor ting goods in the national arena, bringing home eight gold, six silver and five bronze medals.

Our stellar on-court performance solidified UTS’s highest ever ranking at the games. UTS were only one gold medal shy of knocking Sydney University from their third place ranking.

Rugby 7s, Men’s Touch, Mixed Netball, Women’s Softball and Women’s Futsal delivered their gold with an unblemished record, remaining undefeated in division one competition. Dedication paid off for Kendo who secured their first gold, while our reigning champs in Mixed Handball claimed back the top spot.

Doubling our results from last year, 38 UTS students were recognised to have performed at an outstanding level, earning them spots on the coveted Green and Gold squads.

Fudge Atshan, UTS Sports Club Manager, was confident UTS had the talent to compete from the outset with over 400 determined students entering the games across 28 different sports.

“The overall results far exceeded our expectations and by the end of the week our 4th overall placing was a great achievement and places us with the elite of Australian University Sport,” Atshan said.

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VI C

CELLOR SP E

S: AK

HA N C E-

A cademia ISN’T EVERYTHING

He’s been vice-chancellor of UTS for over a decade. but before professor Ross Milbourne steps down in the middle of 2014, he’s here to tell students why getting high marks isn’t everything.

I am often asked whether high academic performance is the main determinant of post-university success. The answer is surprisingly, no (I am sure that is wonderful for students to hear, but please keep studying!). We all know people who performed well academically, yet struggle to land a great job, or whose careers never seemed to take off. Employers tell us that disciplinary knowledge is only one of the things they look for. Equally, or more importantly, are strong literacy, numeracy and IT skills; analytic and problem solving ability; creativity; teamwork; and communication skills. This has influenced the way we have designed our new campus, to have greater interactive spaces and a greater emphasis on informal learning and groupwork. It is also the way in which we are redesigning the educational experience, to emphasise greater interaction between staff and students.

I’d like to emphasise to each incoming student the equal importance of the social dimension to university life because I have seen how this builds personal qualities (and “soft skills”) that employers look for. Joining clubs and societies is a great way to do this; so is participating as peer networkers; undertaking research projects that engage with the community; taking part in programs such as the international leadership development BUiLD program and student exchanges; representing UTS in sporting and debating competitions; or seeking positions in the Students’ Association, University Union, Faculty or University Boards. Nothing looks better in the eyes of employers, or builds CVs, like activities that display people skills, tenacity, resilience, discipline, and good time management.

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These skills are becoming increasingly important. Today’s students will spend most of their careers working in jobs that have not yet been invented. More than 80% will work overseas for a significant part of their careers, making cultural exposure and network development crucial to their careers.

Unlike people of my generation, who had maybe one or two different careers, today’s generation of students will change their career-paths numerous times. This means that students must develop life-long learning skills, as the disciplinary knowledge gained at university becomes overwhelmed by the accelerating rate of knowledge creation.

We all know people who performed well academically who struggle to land a great job, or whose careers never seemed to take off.

The opportunities presented from future major technological change will be enormous. If an opportunity comes along and you are unsure, my advice is to do it! When you get to my age, you realise that you rarely ever regret things you did, but always regret things you didn’t do.

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I JUST FINISHED FIRST YEAR

I JUST FINISHED FIFTH YEAR

UTS

Daniel Comensoli reminisces about starting uni and those fucking gap year kids.

Being a Communication student with no exams, I get an extra month of summer holidays. An extra month to forget that I go to university, and to forget that for the last year, I’ve passed as a full-time student, despite the fact I’m only on campus twice a week. Put the fact that I should maybe get an internship and do some things to build up my resume on the backburner. I hate to admit it but I kind of missed uni in the mid-semester break, which led me to realise I’m not actually as badass as I thought.

I realise this is probably the time when I should be talking about what has made uni so enjoyable for me. I’m sure you’re expecting to read about new friendships and cool lecturers, beers that you pretend to like, pretty international students you won’t talk to, or some other sentimental musings that gloss over an initially underwhelming experience. No-one mentions the agonising four-hour breaks where you spend a lot of time wandering around aimlessly to pass the time.

So what I will talk about is toilets.

It’s a classic; I’m somewhat surprised Vertigo doesn’t have a column for toilet stories in every issue. There’d be a fair few from first-years alone. For example, a friend’s embarrassing experience with the multi-faith bathrooms, a saga that ended with him accidently relieving himself in the foot washer. Personally, I’m a big fan of the precautionary toilet stop before a lecture. Mainly to ensure I don’t have to leave and climb over a heap of people: those desks are impossibly difficult to fold away quickly. Mostly it’s because I drink a VERTIGO

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Eliza Berlage bids farewell to five years of tertiary education.

lot of water and I just really don’t want to get stuck refilling bottles in Building 2 from a tap awfully close to the urinals.

But there are other things about first year beyond toilets, like, you know, learning. Telling family members that getting a degree equals getting a job (they don’t need to know that this isn’t actually guaranteed). Getting better at answering questions about your career by stealing your peers’ answers.

I also now know there are better places to drink around campus than the Abercrombie (rookie, I know). I intuitively now know when looking at the sea of laptops in a lecture hall – with the undulating waves of Wi-Fi dropping in and out between them – that an average of maybe two out of every hundred might be working on something related to the lecture. I’ve also discovered that I really don’t enjoy long spiels about fellow students’ lives as globetrotting humanitarian crusaders, when they were simply asked to answer basic questions about cultural theory. I mean, I’d like to congratulate all those free spirits, but I guess I want to hang on to that ‘first year’ irresponsibility a little longer. Anyway, please don’t judge - be my friend. I have a beard and I’d like to fill those long waits between classes with more than just a pide from the Union food court. Maybe I don’t know the best thing, or the great things about UTS, but I’d like to work them out. Perhaps next year, or the year after that. I guess that’s really what first year is all about: working everything out so that the ensuing years are all the more enjoyable. Or maybe one of the great things is being asked to write something like this.

Letting go is never easy. Goodbyes are even harder when what you are leaving behind is something you still love. As a Communication and International Studies student I have had the luxury of minimal contact hours (12 hours on average) and no post-semester exam periods. The idealistic (ridiculous) work/life balance of 26 weeks of university and 26 weeks of holidays per year is almost over and I am on the cusp of bursting my UTS undergrad bubble.

When I first started uni I felt a mixture of awe, indifference and fear towards my lecturers and tutors. After class I often ended up walking the same way as a tutor and then engaging in awkward intellectual banter; other times I would avoid the burning gaze of a lecturer as I tottered into the theatre twenty minutes late with a coffee in hand. More awkward was when I celebrated Melbourne Cup Day with a bottle of Passion Pop in a tutorial (yes, I am pure class).

By second year I had developed a superiority complex.

Suddenly first-years were the enemy. Standing in line to buy tickets to O ’Fest I could have been in contention for a Guinness World Record in eye-rolling as I listened to first year girls gushing over ‘how cool’ uni is. Needless to say my friends and I were soon blaming first-years for the general disrepair of society, from global warming to the refugee crisis.

Third year swung around, and I felt a growing sense of urgency to make an impact on campus. I signed up to the Student’s Association and societies like Backstage, the drama club. I discovered I could nap during breaks on the couch

in the Wom*n’s room. Applying make-up and devouring pide in the Concourse bathrooms with mates was standard ‘pres’ before a Thursday night out.

The final year came around too fast and too hard. After a year studying *cough* in Spain, returning home to Sydney prices, living with my parents, and a full load of capstone projects was like a slap in the face with a wet fish. It hurt and it stank. Adding insult to injury, it seemed that all my friends were dead (graduated). Luckily I found new drinking buddies – from club executives and housing kids, to the UTS Union staff. I even won the Oktoberfest pretzel-eating competition.

UTS has been the stuff of dreams and nonsense. I have grown from a little fish floundering in a big pond to a killer whale that blows out opinions everywhere. Now I’m being thrown into the open ocean. Uni has allowed me to meet other weird people and engage with even crazier ideas than before. From finding my best friends, to being published in Vertigo, hosting kick-ass events and even stealing a sneaky kiss or two on campus, my relationship with UTS has been one for the scrapbook.

I wish people would stop asking me what I’m going to do with my degree and when I will get a real job, because I honestly have no idea. Always a fountain of knowledge, my dad tells me I should say that I’m going to be an astronaut or a millionaire. Who knows, I may just find myself drawn back for some postgrad...

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RE(AD)HAB Some people drink shitloads of juice to detox.

Joe McKenzie and Zara Selman dared each other to read a 1000-page book instead.

JOE

ZAR A

JOE

ZAR A

JOE

ZAR A

Losing an election when you are emotionally invested in the outcome sucks, especially if you’ve given your time and psychological wellbeing to the cause. That was the Federal election for me: I was so into it that it actually took me a week to realise that we had lost (1).

Because I live, breathe and write about politics, I spend a good proportion of my day reading about everything that is going on. This is great because I am hugely passionate about it, but by the end of the election this habit had turned into full-blown addiction. I needed some space to regroup.

At the same time that Joe was lamenting the culmination of the election, I too was feeling despondent about the end of something (2). Simply put, we were both staring down the barrel of a destabilising period of uncertainty, having lost something that had been a constant for the past three years of our lives.

Just as Joe had come to rely on his steady diet of election content, I had come to rely on my relationship (3). Needless to say, we were both feeling a bit lost. I could barely muster the strength to put my Ben and Jerry’s in a bowl.

I just wanted to be absorbed by something other than the immediate news cycle: to gain some perspective, to not be consumed by another fifteen op-eds about how the Abbott daughters are the anima of the modern Liberal party (4).

A good friend of mine read War and Peace the year after he finished high school. It took him months but afterwards he said he could understand everything about the world for about two minutes before he forgot and went on with his life. The idea that a huge book could trigger that nirvana-like understanding of humanity was pretty appealing.

Joe, being the swell guy that he is, told me the story about his friend and suggested that we try to read David Foster Wallace’s epic Infinite Jest in tandem. Kind of like literary rehab to help us through this trying time. I figured that, at the very least, it would be a good distraction.

The thing about Infinite Jest is that it is an immensely complex novel, and because of its exasperating difficulty you can’t read it on a crowded train, while listening to music or in the bath (5). Concentrating on the brain-melting prose made thoughts of my failed relationship dissipate. I found myself reaching for it any time I felt particularly horrible, and so I carried the 1kg book in my bag like a talisman. It was my safe space (6).

I like the privacy of books, they don’t dictate to you how to feel or think and so when you read them you imagine their worlds differently to anyone else. You can find solace in them as they give you the time and mental energy to start feeling in control of your thoughts, and ultimately, your life (7).

Is postgrad study more useful than getting an internship?

FOR

AGAINST

UTHRA JAYAKUMAR I used to believe that nothing beat getting hands on experience in the industry you want to eventually work in (in my case, a newsroom). It took me six weeks to change my mind.

So what changed my life in six weeks? Well I enrolled in a Masters in Journalism program. And in spite of the mountain of assignments I am drowning in ever y day, it’s absolutely worth it.

In the past I have interned with newspapers, and while I learnt a lot while I was there (like never spill coffee on the editor’s computer), I am now learning even more. In only a few weeks I’ve met the most interesting people and all the subjects have given me great insight, helping me to look at my field in a whole different light.

The most valuable thing you can do in any field of study is make contacts, and what better way to meet new people than learning and spending time with people with the same interests? You learn from your own experiences, as well as from other people’s mistakes.

Perhaps it sounds as though I am marketing for the Masters program. But honestly, I am enlightened. Ever since I started I’ve had a clearer idea of what I want to do.

Now I’m not saying that this tom e was solely responsible for my tentative steps towards recovery (8), but it certainly helped. I agree wholeheartedly with Joe – books absolutely have restorative properties. Whether it’s because of the opportunities they afford us to indulge in some healthy escapism, or because reading is a deeply personal activity, literature can be a shoulder to lean on in your time of need (9).

FIONA DUNNE Internships are critically important. For full disclosure, I’m on the tail end of undergraduate study and have just started a full-time job. And I won’t be undertaking postgraduate study any time soon.

Internships and work placements are important for all sorts of jobs. Would you start teaching at a primary school or work as a nurse without under taking a prac?

Nope. And while I know that these industries are not directly comparable with, say, the business sector, the most important thing to remember is that internships are practical experience in a real workplace.

Theor y is great, and postgraduate study is wor th pursuing. But get some experience first. Learn how your industry works in real life before deciding on whether you want to dedicate years to learning about it theoretically.

You can’t learn the language of a job or workplace until you’re in it. This means that you can’t learn how to talk to a client, patient or contractor without experiencing that situation. And unlike in individual study, chances are your real-world role will have an effect on how others are able to do their job. You can’t get an ‘extension’ for a deadline. You can’t rely on someone else’s notes. If you fuck up, it’s on your head. This is something that you learn VERY early on as an intern. Sure, you can make contacts during your postgraduate degree, but when your application is on a pile with 50 others, and you’ve only got one extra line under ‘Education’ and not many under ‘Experience’, then why should they hire you?

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS 1. Ain’t no party like the Labor party.

2. I got my heart broken, nay, smashed into a bloody pulp.

3. This was severely out of character for me. I am by no means a poster girl for codependence.

4. Which they totally are.

5. This is mostly because it is really, really heavy.

6. My Ennet Drug and Alcohol Recovery House.

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7. I may be infringing Nike’s copyright here.

8. Family, friends and copious amounts of red wine definitely made an important contribution.

9. As David Foster Wallace once said, “Fiction is about what it is to be a fucking human being,” and can help readers “become less alone inside”.

Is sex better when you’re wearing socks?

Can Mark Zuckerberg see naked selfies sent via FB?

In the event of a threesome with two or more males, what does the one who has ‘finished’ first do?

Sandwich duty?

Is it okay if you work at a restaurant as a student to take leftover half-empty bottles of wine?

What happens to child celebrities, such as Biebs, who shoot to stardom presumably before they lose their virginity? Who do they sleep with?

Does this rash look serious to you?

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inter v iew : nu m sku l l

‘cause we paint walls as well so people outside can walk past and talk to us and stuff like that,” he says.

In the past, having a street ar t alias was for (obvious) legal reasons, but anonymity is not so much of an issue these days. “A lot of street art or graffiti artists kind of, don’t really try to hide their faces anymore because, a lot of them are trying to get into more public galleries and stuff like that so it’s becoming less of a thing really,” says Numskull. That’s not to suggest a simple Google search is likely to immediately yield his identity, but, as Numskull points out, “I’m sure you could probably… it’s pretty easy to find people out.”

NOT YOUR AVER AGE NUM SKULL

“I’M SURE YOU COULD PROBABLY… IT’S PRETTY EASY TO FIND PEOPLE OUT”

ahead of his group show project five volume 5 numskull, a regular on the Inner West street art scene, speaks to ANDY HUANG about his contemporary practice and street art’s changing cultural landscape.

Should you find yourself strolling along the streets of Newtown or walking down a lane in good ol’ fashionable Surr y Hills, chances are you will come across one of Numskull’s vibrant murals.

If it’s big and bold and bright, you can bet it’s a Numskull. Much in the same way that Miss Van is to Paris, as Ha-Ha is to Melbourne as, Eine is to London, if ever there were an A–Z index to street art, Numskull would probably be one of the names you’d find under ‘Sydney’.

Since fashioning a name for himself as Numskull (borrowed from VERTIGO

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a British comic strip), it’s clear to vi ewe r s that thi s s t re et ar ti s t ’s comic sensibilities don’t end with his name. Wild, wacky cartoon-inspired characters are a common feature in his work, as are the highly decorative geodes and colour ful, pat terned typography that have come to be a tell-tale mark of Numskull. Although he hasn’t had any formal art training, upon seeing his body of work, which spans across a variety of mediums including painting, sculpture, murals and illustration, you’d agree it hasn’t done him any harm.

If the buzz of street ar t (circa l ate 19 9 0 s an d e ar l y 20 0 0 s) i s f a ding f a s t , thing s don’t ap p e ar to be slowing down for Numskull.

He’s a busy man these days. Earlier in the year, he spoke at the SemiPermanent Conference and started a collective called The Hours with arty pals Beastman and Marty Routledge.

The trio work together to provide a plat form to showcase ar t forms, such as tattoo art and sign-writing, which are often picked up outside the traditional institutional context. More recently, he ‘bombed’ (graffiti-speak)

the Miranda Kerr issue of Sunday Style and he’s now one of the artists featured in Project Five Volume 5 line-up.

Presented as part of Art & About Festival (this year themed Private Lives…Public Spaces), the fifth volume of Project Five will see Numskull, along with fellow street ar tists Rone, Adnate and Jodee Knowles, paint in front of a live audience.

For Numskull, “Part of the reason is because it is such a big event and lots of people see your work so it’s good to get it out there but, yeah, the other half of the reason is to help out I.C.E [Information & Cultural Exchange], because they are doing cool things.”

While open-air studios aren’t unheard of in the art world, they’re not

exactly common either, and when it comes to street ar t, this event is even more contrar y to their usual shtick. The fact that everyone going to the event will be there to watch him paint brings out a nervous chuckle in Numskull.

“Usually, I’m pret t y much just l o c ke d in my s t u di o an d no o n e watches me,” he says. Then again, times are a’changing for street ar t, as local businesses, especially the Inner City café scene, and galleries – heck, even local councils – come to embrace the strong aesthetic appeal of street art. More and more artists like Numskull are approached to do commissions which have them out in the open – an experience that seems to be growing on Numskull.

“Well, we’re kind of used to it

The early 2000s were considered the zenith of Australian street ar t, yet this was also a time fraught with tension and debate over whether graffiti and street art are one and the same (they’re not). But as we settle into the new millennium, street art is going places, successfully making the move from the street to the gallery.

That said, notable street artists in Sydney, like Numskull and buddies Beastman and Phibs, represent a second or new wave of Australian street art, and perhaps part of why their craft is well known and respected is because of the ethos of street art being on the streets. And that – the accessibility – is what Numskull attributes to the appeal and acceptance of street art.

“Well I guess the difference between what we do and what traditional artists do is that we put art on the streets for everyone to see it, whereas most artists’ work are stuck inside galleries. It’s more accepted because it’s more in the public eye”.

Project Five Volume 5 is a threeday live ar t event that kicked off on September 27 in Darling Quarter. The works created by Numskull and other street artists for ‘Project Five Volume 5’, were auctioned this month, with the proceeds going towards I.C.E.

you can find out more on numskull at funskull.com.

15

been enough to bring them down on their own. They claim that explosives must have been in the buildings in order to facilitate this. Real evidence to support this claim? Non-existent. In fact, most of their claims are akin to pseudoscience, with Truthers providing very little hard evidence to back up their theories.

Diving into a hotpot of 9/11 conspiracists, Alex Mitchell questions whether the ‘Truthers’ movement know something we don’t – or really are just a bunch of crazies.

Ever felt like you’re being spun an intricate web of lies by the media? Advertisers?

The Government? I know I sometimes do. Sometimes I feel like our society is being ruled by a few members of the corporate elite (cough, Rupert Murdoch,

fact, I like to think that (at least in the western world) the hand of the law and our system of checks and balances somewhat prevents this from happening.

There is , however, a growing movement of people who believe the

“is there any ‘truth’ behind the theories they present? Or are Truthers really just a bunch of crazies?”

Gina Rinehart), and that we, the plebeian few, have little say in how things turn out. But are we being outright lied to?

Are there people in high office who set out to deceive the masses for their own political or economic gain? Well, maybe.

Do they orchestrate great atrocities in order to achieve this? Probably not. In

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opposite. This movement, who refer to themselves as Truthers, were referred to by The Washington Post as being on “the lunatic fringe”. Other sources say that they are a significant political movement in the United States and increasingly, across the globe. But are they lunatics? After all, they do raise some

important questions. Questions that, after first consideration, play on my mind.

But is there any ‘truth’ behind the theories they present? Or are Truthers really just a bunch of crazies? Proponents of the Truthers movement believe that 9/11 was an inside job conducted by the US government. Why? So that there was a reason for the US to invade Afghanistan and Iraq, secure the oil resources in the region and then further impinge upon national and global civil liberties. The Truthers claim that there are a multitude of unanswered questions surrounding the events of 9/11, and that these questions need answers. But is there anything to back up what they’re saying? Well, not really. A primary claim is that the force of the jets that crashed into the World Trade Centre buildings could not have

Ex-Truther Mike Metzger decided to leave the movement after watching a film called Screw Loose Change. This film debunks many of the myths perpetuated in the original 2005 film, Loose Change, which has become pivotal in the Truther movement. After resigning from the movement, Metzger wrote on his blog, “There are no facts in the 9/11 Truth movement. Just a lot of theories, which eventually break down to, ‘Hey, we’re just asking questions’.” Metzger also questioned the purpose of the entire movement, claiming that the founders are in it to make money and couldn’t care less about getting to the truth at all. Not surprising.

But this hasn’t stopped the Truthers movement from spreading worldwide.

In fact, recently elected Victorian Senator, Ricky Muir of the Australian Motoring Enthusiast Party, voiced his own opinion with regard to who was behind the 9/11 attacks on his Facebook page in 2011.

Muir’s credibility is further boosted by a YouTube video that shows him involved in an animal poo fight in the bush. Fortunately, the Truther movement in Australia isn’t particularly strong, nor does it looks like it will catch on significantly.

the truth, they would ask the necessary questions and, when the facts they presented were disproven, they’d move on. After I’d researched the movement and had conversations with believers, I discovered a constant, underlying sense of paranoia, which leads me to believe that the people who are involved in it must be at least a little bit crazy.

I believe people in power will sometimes do what they can to further their own interests. I believe that politicians will often do what they can to cover their own arses. But to say that the Bush Administration along with hundreds, maybe thousands, of government workers, emergency service workers, business people and foreign politicians were complicit in the death of nearly 3000 people at the World Trade Centre on 9/11 is absolutely ludicrous.

Aside from the fact that most of the Truther theories have been disproven, the fact that not one inside whistle-blower has come forward speaks volumes. In the age of WikiLeaks and Edward Snowden, if 9/11 really was an inside job, we’d probably know about it.

My main gripe with the movement, however, is that its members seem to act like conspiracy theorists. If the Truthers movement really was about getting to

17

S H O W C A S E :

HELEN CHANG My name is Helen Chang and I’m a second-year Visual Communication student at UTS. I've always loved to draw, but I’ve been taking it a lot more seriously recently. My illustrations often spring from an impulsive expression of emotion, which means they usually turn out a lot weirder than I intend them to.

19

table talk

DO YOU BE-REEF IN LOVE, ECO LOVE? Jack Schmidt talks about his love of the great barrier reef, and how we’re maybe destroying it.

Julie Morris takes a long, hard look at our food choices.

Stop. Put the fork down and ask yourself, “Where did this food I am about to eat really come from? How much water, land, and other resources did it take to get on my plate and into my mouth? Why am I eating it?”

Have you ever aske d your self the se que s tions?

Probably not. Where your food comes from has to be the most ‘out of sight, out of mind’ process that exists in our culture today; it’s obscured by many layers of cultural, political, and educational untruths and misconceptions.

Most of us just make decisions based on price, convenience and taste. As for the where, how, why, and at what cost to our environment – well, who has time for that?

Yet, the origin of the food we choose to eat is a major contributing force to global land depletion – the eventual loss of our drinking water, air quality, land, biodiversity and other resources. Supporting ‘affordable’ trade-orientated, industrial and chemical agriculture pushed by foreign and domestic corporations (like Aldi, Coles and Woolies) is steadily undoing our self-reliance. We are slowly losing, without realising, sovereignty of production to agribusiness, sovereignty of distribution to the private sector, and sovereignty of consumption to the aggressive marketing strategies of junk food producers.

You may be aware of global warming and consider yourself par t of the ‘green’ or ‘sustainable’ movement.

For many, it has become the cool or socially correct thing to do – and in a sense, that’s awesome. However, it’s not so cool to think of yourself as ‘sustainable’ just because you recycle or changed to energy-efficient light bulbs, when you still eat a diet that has a much more profound impact on our environment.

Like you, I’m a uni student on a tight budget and I’ve discovered that making eco-friendly, ethical and healthy food choices can be done without spending a fortune. Here are some of my tips to help you bring SOLE (seasonal, organic, local and ethical) food to your diet: 1. Eat unprocessed. Plastic isn’t so fantastic. Quit paying for packaging, preservatives, and transportation, VERTIGO

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and switch to buying food that will actually fulfill your nutritional needs.

2. Eat locally. Cut out the middleman and support local food systems in your community like farmers’ markets and school kitchen gardens. Check out the organic Food Coop on our campus (Level 3 of Building 2). It offers locally grown fruits, vegetables and other organic products at an affordable price for students.

3. Eat your own produce. Change your relationship with food and star t growing some of your own herbs and vegetables. I’m talking about a personal, organically grown garden, which doesn’t require a lot of time or money to set up. Homegrown herbs are an especially good choice for the frugal foodie. Otherwise, try finding homemade replacements for the packaged foods you’d normally buy at the supermarket.

4. Eat with the seasons. The most plentiful crops will often be the least expensive. Se e what the loc al farms are offering right now.

5. Eat the ugly. Scrounge for mark-offs, dollar bags, and free tables of less than perfect fruits and veggies at discounted prices.

6. Eat less meat. Bit touchy for some people I know, but I can tell you, it saves tons of money to cut down on animal products. Lentils, beans, nuts, tofu and most green veggies are a good source of protein.

7. Eat at home. You’ll save loads and nothing beats the feeling of cooking up a great dinner with friends or family. Instead of just saying you are ‘sustainable’, do the right thing for yourself and for the planet and make better food choices.

Australia loves its natural resources…Wait, let me rephrase that. Australia loves some of its natural resources. We love the profitable ones: coal, iron ore, uranium, coal seam gas, the ones which fuel our giant air conditioners, the ones that China buy, the ones which keep Gina well fed. In fact we’re desperately in love with them, even if they are grubby and abusive. As for our other flimsy assets, you know, our forests, reefs, soils and rivers…well, they just get in the way.

For any observer of political and economic discourse in this country, it’s hard to ignore the entrenchment of a perverse kind of resource hierarchy, wherein tradable materials like coal and iron ore are valued above our irreplaceable living, breathing natural resources, the ones which aren’t backed by big business billions. It’s a ludicrously short-sighted hierarchy, which is currently manifesting itself in expansive mining and shipping proposals across the country.

COAL VS. THE GREAT BARRIER REEF The Great Barrier Reef is a truly magnificent natural asset: UNESCO World Heritage-listed, and home to an astounding array of marine life and the largest coral reef in the world.

But the reef is not well. Already battered by crown-of-thorn starfish, agricultural runoff, and ocean acidification, it is now faced with a sickening new threat: a baffling suite of mining port development proposals up and down the Queensland coast. Abbott Point, Hay Point and Gladstone are key targets.

The proposals involve the dredging of millions of cubic metres of ocean floor for shipping channels. Disturbing the ocean’s floor to this extent is truly mad, destroying vital marine habitats for endangered species like the Loggerhead and Oliver Ridley turtles.

This flurry of proposals is all part of a plan to improve export channels for Queensland’s booming new Galilee Basin coalmines. Clive Palmer is among the magnates busy staking claim to this rich black vein. At full operation, these ports would see over 10 000 ships passing through the reef annually by 2020. That’s up from just 1722 ships in 2011.

Imagine, a barrage of heaving metal bulkers skirting precariously around our watery wonderland, increasing the risk of catastrophic spills and disrupting the migration of precious sea creatures like Humpback whales. UNESCO has made it clear that Australia should not “permit any new port development or associated infrastructure outside of the existing and long-established major ports within or adjoining the property”. Discussions in Queensland regarding the environmental impacts of the proposed ports are ongoing.

image credit: jack schmidt

Before you label me a fanciful, left-wing, tree-hugging nutbag greenie, sit down and think rationally about the current state of affairs here. I’m humbly suggesting a reconsideration of our value judgements when it comes to resources. The Great Barrier Reef represents much more than a pretty-coloured tourist attraction. Mining may be profitable in the short-term, but it will irreparably damage this biosphere. Besides, what is this “profit” really? Who profits? And at what cost?

Of course, if we must think in monetary terms, reefs are worth billions for sustainable industries like eco-tourism into the future. One oil spill will destroy reef tourism in a heartbeat.

But what’s really illogical is toying with natural resources, which actually sustain life on earth in the long-term. We’re still informed by a misguided mantra of human ‘progress’, a myth of perpetual economic ‘growth’. We construe humanity and nature as separate entities, convince ourselves that nature is merely an obstacle in our quest for supremacy, that it’ll regenerate itself once we’re done with it.

We settle into apathy, as politicians, lobbyists and corporate think-tanks muddy the waters on environmental science. We convince ourselves that mining really is entrepreneurial and innovative, when in fact it’s glorified fucking hole-digging. Surely, in a world groaning under the weight of seven billion people, our few remaining pockets of pristine environment should be sacrosanct. Surely, we can look beyond the now. Surely, we’re smarter than this.

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FIND-A-ROSSY

FIND: Ross Milbourne Christopher Pyne Jenna Price Marilyn Monroe Gina Rinehart Gertie The Graduate A mature-aged student with their hand up A student dressed as Walt from Breaking Bad A graduation scroll A couple hooking up A hipster A kayak paddle A bunny Someone eating pide A copy of Vertigo Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball A MyMulti A blue man A dildo A burrito A lost USyd striker A pineapple A bottle of gin VERTIGO

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GEN WHY

?

TECH SE X

the sun is smiling, the birds are singing and people are awkwardly covering up sweat patches. #STOPTHECOATS and get into some spring style with Samuel Millsom.

Whitney Higginson runs us through the dos and don’ts of online mating.

If there’s a sure-fire way to get young people to practice abstinence so that they don’t get chlamydia and die, it is tech sex . Let ’s face it, young people are all too busy bur ying themselves in their laptops and iPads to find somebody to get down and dir ty with IRL. How can any Gen Y person even consider giving a hand job when their hands are vice-gripped around their iPhones?

Lazy fucking generation we are. There are many benefits of tech sex , but the best par t is that girls c an’t have dumbass, expensive kids when they turn thir teen. So for anyone who hasn’t entered 2000 yet, here’s the only guide you will ever need: > Skype Sex: You Still Need To Shave.

I originally thought Sk ype was for speaking to all of those rich and intellectual friends you have who jet off to Europe for Contiki over the mid-semester break. Every Skype conversation I’d ever had basically went like this: “Hey Jess, I woke up with a horrible hangover and took a nap at four, what’d you do today?”

“Oh I had sex in Amsterdam inside a BDSM museum!”

“Fuck you Jess. Go take E and fall off a grassy, scenic, European hill.”

I then came to the realisation that Skype was totally made for LDRs and for positioning your Macbook to show off the perfect side boob angle. Based on this, Skype sex sucks. The video is grainy and blurry and you keep losing the connection and having to dial up to fake an orgasm.

Not to mention, you have to get your shit together to moisturise and shave and look sexy, which is really a lot of effort when you’re not getting touched. Instead, you should just tell whoever is asking for Skype sex to get off on your Facebook picture instead. That’s what those photos are there for anyway. > Phone Sex: I’m Not Actually Touching Myself Right Now. Oh please, go lie on your bed and make up all of these VERTIGO

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huge sex lies for each other and feel hot and sweat y about it. For example: Him: “How much do you want it?”

You say: “SO much, babe. I want you SO bad.”

You mean: “I wanted you bad last night but you were busy. So here we are, both free on a Sunday afternoon and I’m not really interested. Like, I want it SORT OF.” If you want to go and awkwardly moan into a phone while pretending to touch yourself as you secretly watch Gossip Girl, go ahead. But just remember how fucking hard it is to multi-task with a phone in your hand. I find it hard to pour a glass of water while on the phone, let alone try to pleasure myself. Way. Too. Much. Effort. This should be left in 2005 where it belongs. > Sexting: Pretending To Be Horny While In Public Places.

I don’t really get sexting but I’ll play along with it. Sometimes I think it’s really dumb: “Hey sexy, I know you’re out eating dinner with your girlfriends, but can you take a spare moment to think about my dick now?” Sexting also makes everyone hate you because you’re too busy getting your panties wet instead of par ticipating in RE AL LIFE. Plus, engaging in sexting is like reading erotic fiction, except it’s 140 characters. It’s X-rated Twitter. Who actually wants that? > Snapchat/MMS: Be Very Fucking Careful, Stupid.

Every naked photo of every person in the world ends up being sent to Hunter Moore so he can capitalise on the collective stupidity of Gen Y. This is a scientific fact. But everyone still does it, right? There’s nothing wrong with a sexy photo as long as you crop your head and cover up any obvious markings/piercings/tattoos. I also totally recommend keeping a stock photo handy should you be bloated/unshaven/on your period/cannot be fucked trying to be remotely sexy, put make-up on and take ten hours to find the perfect angle.

NOEL

SALLY

STUART

Noel was my Christmas-style-wish-cometrue. I spotted this Pharmaceuticals student strolling across the grass, and was instantly green with envy after checking out the guy’s sleek threads.

Noel’s got a cute printed button-up top on, a staple of the season, and some mad accessories appropriate for a pharmacist on the go. Check out the bling he’s rockin’, guys, you know that’s got to cost him some #cashcashmoney! He’s topped the look off with some classic wayfarers (reppin’ some #bobdylan) and a simple leather shoe (I wonder how many roads they’ve walked down?).

Santa will no doubt be filling Noel’s stocking to the brim this year because, man, this outfit is nice.

Sally’s a Communication student who is sending me some rad style vibes, pairing up denim delight with some fabulous floral and kick-ass Converse.

If there’s one thing you can take away from this look, it’s that overalls are back and I have a sartorial suspicion that they’re going to be around for a while. After spending all winter wrapped in your #onesie, they’re the new onepiece that’s just as comfortable, just as useful and look great on anyone.

Time to re-watch all the shows you grew up with (I’d recommend some Degrassi Junior High and Beverly Hills 90210) for some naff ‘90s inspo, or just take your cues from Sally – she’s got the 411.

Stuar t’s an Information and Media student who’s also obviously an informed student of fashion. Not only does his outfit look like its come straight off a Jil Sander runway, but he actually made the top he’s wearing. The talent! The technique! Anybody worth their sartorial weight in gold knows that metallic and blue are always going to look #fashiondarlingfashion, especially when paired with some classic black skinnies.

Colour blocking at its finest y’all. Kudos Stuart, you’ve got just the right balance of #rad and #rug ged to c arr y this Ziggy Stardust-inspired look from the runway to our sweet university.

25

"When life gives you lemons, make sure you remember to use the correct citrus fruit in the punchline."

– TESSA

“Don't listen to advice in Cosmo or Vertigo. Especially sex advice.”

– NAOMI

“Never be afraid to raise the stakes.

Especially if you're a vampire hunter, or a cattle farmer.”

- SALLY

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. If you don't have the carpentry skills...well then I don't really know what to say to you..."

– ZARA

”Cliff diving is best when it is into water.” – FRANCES

THE EDITORS SAY FAREWELL – WITH MORE BAD JOKES THAN EVER BEFORE. O ur

or s Direc t e ative in cr az y. r C o s t pla s ter Tw Seme d C at are ju n a y n S un

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

When you inevitably drop the basket (because you're a clumsy fuck), you'll be disappointed.”

– HANNAH

"All you need in the world is a bottle of gin and Buzzfeed Animals."

– FIONA “Do not consider having sex with a bearded man. Always hook up with the better brother first. Never trust a guy who makes candles. Always take relationship advice from Vertigo.”

– MAIREAD. VERTIGO

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"Flattery will get you anywhere, except into someone's pants. You need to know how to operate a zip for that."

– LACHLAN

"Dead men don't talk, especially people who are *allegedly* buried in the foundations of the Chau Chak Building you'll never catch me."

– JOE

Cre a t O n e i ve D ir e , Ma c r k , h to r fo r S ard at w e m e s te r ork .

THE UNPUBLISHED ARTICLES OF VERTIGO 2013 • The woman who wants to marry the UTS Tower • Maracas: The secret to shaking up your sex life • Why we put the anuses of 18 UTS students on the cover of Vertigo • Misuse of the Harvard referencing system: Why perpetrators should be imprisoned • Students and lecturers: does the 40-year age gap matter in love?

• Fuck capitalism, fuck the system, fuck the man, fuck the police, fuck McDonalds, fuck consumerism, fuck religion, fuck fucking fucks • Love crisis in the Business faculty: "We only have room in our hearts for money" • Fashion never sleeps: Caffeine addiction in the Design Faculty • Health students deny substance abuse: "Drugs are our only drugs" • Communication students: annoying, unemployable, but at least some of them hot • RSVPM: The new dating site exclusively for Prime Ministers • Top 10 Dangerous Spiders of Australia • Anal bleaching: Not just for gays anymore.

27

S H O W C A S E :

JAKE NIELSEN three reflections on the central park building in the styles of EDGAR ALLEN poe, GERTRUDE stein and William shakespeare

EDGAR ALLAN POE

GERTRUDE STEIN

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I slept upon the hour of ten, and woke a morning once again,

Vertical park, Central. How it stood is a story of when

Look to heights and see thy self

without a single second I was beaconed quickly when,

you saw it.

reflected in sections small, though held in each,

I saw a thing just new constructed, which that last night

Saw it stood vertical. Was it central. Vertical was it. It

a soul.

had erupted

was.

Vine is broke or curled and then perfected.

from the lower regions of the darkest parts of men.

It was as central as vertical. It was central as it wasn’t

Accosting windowpanes and taking whole.

vertical. Was it vertical.

The structure now a prison made angelic.

A glass sword now was standing, a ghost of over-branding.

Central no. Vertical yes.

The heights, defying heaven, reaching sun.

A sword that sliced the moon and punctured midnight

I have seen them. In this scene. Them. I have seen.

Newborn chambers that appear a relic,

stars to see.

I have seen them. A builder. If the builders

will draw gazes but from inwards come none.

A sword that pierced the sun, shading men below its tree.

though accustomed.

A boasting floral marvel sets astride,

An omen of the ending of the perfect world of we.

Though accustomed is the builder. Though the builder

the walls of inside lives the fortune touched.

is accustomed.

But some will never drink the purchased pride

After weeks of entertaining all its darkness I was straining

And accustomed is it though. Builder.

with houses not in floral fingers clutched.

for a memory containing mental images of sky.

Accustomed to the family. The family above. I saw them

If thou covets thinking thou is worthy

Before the structure strained and stressed, and held the

in there.

know the only heaven they’ll sees earthly.

moonlight on its breast, starting up the wretched test that

A story of when you saw them. A family. I. Saw. A.

ruined you and I.

Family.

Who was in the family.

Left alone and leaving likely heaving with my pains.

A tiny butterfly. A collection of azaleas. A large wrap of

I’m banished bound and balancing where one is close to

vine. A fair round of blossoms. A small snail.

planes.

A family that stood as a story of when you saw them.

And taking just a moment to inhale future rains and feel

A family on walls on the building. The building

the flightily oxygen expanding all my veins and reminiscing

accustomed. To the builder that stood with his building.

rightly of the little that remains.

Stood as a story of when you saw it.

I slip and slumber quickly on the pavement and the plains.

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29

of Truth or Dare. “We will use whatever means are open to us to stop Barack Obama’s socialist agenda, and until he is willing to create a libertarian utopia we will stop any and all holiday festivities including Christmas.”

Barack Obama responded to these latest rounds of Republican obstructionism by holding a brief press conference in which he repeated the phrase “Fuck this shit” over and over. He concluded the press conference by banging

Claiming that the science of skin cancer is a “misleading conspiracy”.

A group of suspicious political think-tanks have questioned the consensus around the connection between UV radiation and cancers such as melanoma. The campaign represents a backlash against pale scientists around Australia, as attractive beachgoers reject ‘SunSmart’ campaigns, describing them as “prejudiced”.

“Not everyone can sit around in offices all day, whitening their skin under fluorescent lamps,”

Ray Sism investigates.

hotter months. At the same time, ‘whitening’ salons have started to spring up around the country for those who find it difficult to avoid the sun. In beachside suburbs these are replacing tanning salons, substituting UV lamps with fluorescent bulbs that mimic the effects of office lighting. A one-off, nine-to-five session is usually effective enough to turn a ‘healthy glow’ into glow in the dark. The Roads and Traffic Authority has praised the move towards pale skin, citing increased night visibility as the reason for fewer roadside incidents on the Northern Beaches in the last few months.

Thus far the officials behind the SunSmart campaign have refused to comment on the issue, instead reportedly ‘hiding their heads in their hands’ when questioned about the conspiracy.

his head violently on the lectern.

Congress’ failure to authorise Christmas is expected to have devastating results on the American economy due to a lack of retail spending, particularly in Christmas dependent industries such as tinsel manufacturing, animatronic Santa design and ear-splittingly bad covers of Christmas songs by talent show winners.

“Our members are incredibly fearful as to what this impasse will result in,” said a representative for the National Union of Department Store Santas. “There may be a long line of unemployed elves this December.”

However, the House Republicans have found unlikely support in America’s population of unnecessarily grumpy people, who have been the group nationwide to consistently poll net favourability for the Christmas impasse. A spokesperson from

Christmas’ and all Home Alone movies will be unavailable to be bought or rented.

It is believed that a deal will be reached in the next few days, allowing for the continued authorisation of Kwanzaa and Hanukkah, as well as some nonreligious festivals such as Festivus.

In exchange the Tea Party will get to raise Malia Obama as one of their own.

UTS’s student magazine Vertigo and their side project Defamer have been nominated for a Walkley Award.

The list of finalists for the 58th annual Walkley Awards for Excellence in Journalism was announced on October 17 at a private function. The event was hosted by Benjamin Law. Defamer has been nominated for their story on Poseidon God of the Seas flooding the UTS campus, in the coverage of a major news event or issue category.

The editorial team would like to thank their mothers, brothers, sisters, lovers and the books on Greek mythology their teachers made them read in Year 6.

Journalist Athena originally covered the story, and was asked for comment: “What is this shit?

How come they’re getting the credit for this story when I wrote and researched it on my own.?

They didn’t help at all. They cut out the most important part.

Whattack Unt reports.

Fuck all them, they’re losers.”

When approached for comment, the team would not answer questions, but their newly hired publicist released this statement on their behalf: “We are grateful to the Walkley Awards for considering us. It was a privilege to cover an event that shook the foundation of our university.”

The team are believed to have been aided in their cause by the cancellation of classes on Markets campus, which freed up time for them to investigate the origins of the tiny Haymarket tsunami that displaced UTS Housing students in August 2013.

A follow-up statement indicated that the team were “glad they wore floodpants” and that they were touched by the support of students and staff alike.

The Walkley Award winners will be announced on November 28 in Brisbane.

DEFAMER NOMINATED FOR WALKLEY AWARD

the think-tank ‘Coalition for a Grumpier America’ praised the shutdown, saying “Usually our opinions on Christmas are confined to passive-aggressive Facebook posts about reindeer antlers on cars and broad criticism of the mindless consumerism of the holidays. It is great to see people take up the grumpy cause.”

During the non-Christmas December period it will be illegal to wish other people a ‘Merry

We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire. In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.

one Manly resident complained.

The anti-anti-tanning movement has emerged in this beachside suburb under the name ‘Brown and Proud’, however it has yet to receive any endorsement from external organisations. The group has questioned the authority scientists have when trusted to explain what’s good for us, accusing health officials of trying to control popular trends.

Since last summer’s government-endorsed campaign more and more people are electing to stay indoors in the

ANTI-ANTI-TANNING MOVEMENT DENIES SCIENCE OF SKIN CANCER

In a move that has been expected by Washington insiders for weeks, Republicans in the House of Representatives have blocked legislation to authorise Christmas, for no apparent reason other than their desire to cause as much mayhem as possible.

The Speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner, announced that the Republican caucus came to the decision based on a particularly heated game

Polly Ticklehack writes.

REPUBLICANS VOTE TO STOP CHRISTMAS

NOW 98% FACT FREE

THE DEFAMER

REWIND/FAST-FORWARD because sometimes life needs a remote

in vertigo issue 8, we failed to capitalise identifiers of indigenous peoples. but theproblem is bigger than that. kamilaroi woman and UTS’s indigenous office, Rudi Bremer, and Alison Whittaker, a gomeroi wom*n and UTS’s wom*n’s officer, explain why.

student journalists and editors often look to professional publications for cues on content and style. generally speaking, this means publications like vertigo produce high quality articles, albeit with student concerns in mind. however, this also means that occasionally you see the bad habits of mainstream journalism trickle down to the new generation. in issue eight of vertigo, ‘after the flood’, several writers and editors decapitalised the “i” while referring to Indigenous people. not only was this grammatically incorrect, but it is also horribly disrespectful. why are Indigenous people undeserving of a capital letter? french, english and sometimes, quite astonishingly, that great, perplexing and historically problematised catch-all white monolith term, ‘caucasian’, are all capitalised as a grammatical practice of respect. do Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people not deserve the same level of respect? in 1967, a referendum was held to overturn the "flora and fauna act”, an act that mandated that Indigenous australians were governed and managed under the same portfolio as australian wildlife. put simply, the referendum overturned the idea that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people were not people with their own agency and autonomy. it overturned constitutional language that suggested Indigenous australians were lesser beings.

it would be understandable, if not particularly heartening, if this were a problem found only in works written prior to 1967. but we’re living in a post-1967 referendum world, and some non-Indigenous writers and editors seem to be falling back into old grammatical habits. the kind of habits that place Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people in a disempowered space. it begs particular concern when persons who are not Indigenous grant themselves the power of guarding the bounds of Indigenous identity and self-identification, particularly given the eugenicist history and currently grounded white paternalism of invader/Indigenous relations. no, ‘Indigenous’, ‘Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander’, ‘Aboriginal’ or ‘Torres Strait Islander’ are not terms that have the unquestioned support of the hundreds of nations across the continent and its surrounding islands. these are coloniser and eugenicist names, given to us by colonisers and eugenicists. the multiplicity and great diversity of Indigenous persons here means there may never be consensus. we accept that multiplicity. it is colonisation that tries to heap us into monolithic uni-ethnic groups. we are diverse culturally, linguistically and ethnically. this is for us to discuss. it is not for you to debunk or decapitalise what we have set up in the interim, however far that interim is dragged.

TEEN DRAMAs

REALITY TV

There’s a hole in my heart and it’s shaped like the good old teen drama of yesteryear.

It seems that the sad, slow demise of Gossip Girl heralded the end of a golden era – one in which teen dramas don’t revolve around werewolves or vampires or whatever supernatural creature is cool these days. Josh Schwar tz’s creation fizzled out long before its final season, leaving a void where dramatic suburban families used to be. While I do love some of the supernatural teen dramas, sometimes what you really need is to spend a few hours with a brooding guy from Chino hiding a heart of gold, or a nosy, witty blonde from Neptune.

They say ever yone looks back at their teens and thinks everything in pop culture was better then, and well, they just don’t make music or television like they used to, do they? Felicity, Dawson’s Creek, The OC, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Friday Night Lights – the golden age of teen dramas had something for ever yone, and just like we haven’t had a truly great teen movie since Mean Girls , these shows made an impact on pop culture that no teen show on television at the moment seems capable of replicating.

There are those of you out there that may enjoy your weekly dose of The Vampire Diarie s, but I’m not alone in wishing we could press rewind and go back to the old days. It may have been years since we waved goodbye to them and their happy endings, or since they were cruelly taken away from us, but either way, the response to the crowdfunding plea for the Veronica Mars movie proves that we still miss them.

Of course, I’m no longer a teenager. But if Ben McKenzie could play a 16-year old when he was 25, I’m still allowed to watch and love teen dramas.

Texas forever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good realit y show. The Kardashians have been known to draw me in from time to time, and I’m a huge sucker for shows that take you behind the scenes of a sports team (what did the coach tell them at half-time when they were trailing in that very impor tant match? I ABSOLUTELY MUST KNOW). But I just can’t watch another person make a per fect crème brulee under pressure from the ticking, pumpkin-shaped clock.

Surely four years after its debut we’ve seen ever y version of Masterchef possible? Ready Steady Cook has been ambling along for years now. Somewhere along the line we also got My Kitchen Rules, Kitchen Cabinet and Poh’s Kitchen. There are the shows featuring fancy, innovative British chefs (Heston Blumenthal), and those with, well, let’s say a flair for language (Gordon Ramsay).

Then, of course, we’ve got all those SBS cooking shows set in exotic locations that that serve you a side of culture with your main course.

When is it going to stop? And, more importantly, how did we get here? When did we as a nation decide that learning how to make a cake with the good people at Better Homes and Gardens each week or spending some time with Huey every afternoon was no longer cutting it when it came to our quota of culinary programming? Of course, I’m not forced to watch any of these shows, but have you tried watching ten minutes of TV recently? You can’t go an ad break without a breathless promo about tomorrow night’s mystery-meatbox challenge.

Australia, please, let’s press the fast-forward button and move past this fad (and can we get past overpriced macarons too while we’re at it?).

Gina Baldassarre VERTIGO

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A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE IS A IS A DANGEROUS THING JULIAN VAN DER ZEE talks to Ann Mossop, curator of the festival of dangerous ideas, about thinking on the edge.

“great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people” – ELEANOR ROOSEVELT. It’s a good quote, and one that springs to mind during a recent phone chat with Ann Mossop, Head of Talks and Ideas at the Sydney Opera House. We’re discussing the controversy surrounding one of the guest speakers at this year’s instalment of the Festival of Dangerous Ideas and the media rounds Mossop made to address people’s concerns.

The speaker in question is Erwin James Monahan (aka Erwin James), a convicted double murderer who served twenty years of a life sentence for crimes he and another man, Paul Dunwell, committed in London in 1982. During his time spent incarcerated Mr. James wrote about prison life for the Guardian until, upon his release in 2004, he became a regular columnist for the paper.

Naturally, the 56-year-old writer’s application for a visa to speak at this year’s festival raised the ire of some critics.

“When we announced he was coming as a speaker there was some reaction to the idea that we had invited him . . . I did talk about it on 2GB and the people VERTIGO

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who rang in, let’s put it this way, they were not convinced by the case that I was pushing,” says Mossop.

Luckily for Mossop and her fellow festival organisers, the Department of Immigration and Citizenship were more open to the request, allowing James to deliver his talk A Killer Can Be a Good Neighbour in person. Had the application failed he would have appeared via weblink.

A strong advocate for the rehabilitation of prisoners, James believes that in countries that do not implement the death penalty, there exists a pertinent question – what should be done with violent offenders, like himself, who are released back into the community?

“We’re really hoping to present a perspective that people necessarily haven’t heard much about before,” says Mossop. “In Australia a lot of the discussion about those issues is framed in terms of the criminals being scum, or only from the victim’s perspective, not about the consequences . . . we’re saying there are some different ways to look at it.”

While no doubt good publicity for a

festival marketing itself as ‘dangerous’, James’ inclusion makes good on the promise of an event designed to confront and challenge the views of the average Sydneysider. Now in its fifth year, Mossop is confident the festival is moving from strength to strength, growing both in “audience numbers and in terms of reach”.

As Head of Talks and Ideas – previously known as Head of Public Programs but changed because “nobody knows what that means, so we may as well have a title that says what we do!”

– Mossop is responsible for curating all of the Opera House’s live talk events (or ‘TalkFests’). With a concept as broad as ‘dangerous’, it can be a daunting task.

One of the big names joining FoDI this year is Israeli-born feminist author Hanna Rosin who will discuss the rise of women in the workplace and the decline of patriarchy, as explored in her 2010 novel The End of Men. “She’s really doing what we love to see happen which is taking an idea, and carrying it through to the most extreme possibility . . . its ultimate

conclusion. And that’s what, for me, makes it interesting and dangerous,” says Mossop.

Another exciting addition to the line-up, especially for aficionados of The Wire, will be the show’s creator, show-runner, executive producer and head writer, David Simon, who is headlining the festival.

“My colleague, Danielle Harvey has been talking to him and his people for years, so it’s really a tribute to her being incredibly persistent,” says Mossop.

“We’re really delighted that it’s come off, because he’s somebody who obviously has found a way to tell stories that are really rich in ideas, you know, very appealing to a broad audience, but is often talking about things in a way that is done so rarely in mainstream media, and because of the storytelling genius of it he manages to do that.”

In a talk titled Some People are More Equal than Others, Simon will examine the systematic inequality in America – once the self-proclaimed land of the free, now a nation where the rich are more likely to be rewarded and the poor punished.

For Mossop, the bigger the issue, the more wide-reaching its appeal and relevance to an Australian audience. She hopes that the festival “broadens out the conversation by being part of that constant trickle of debate and discussion that gradually over time might lead to something shifting and changing” in the way we perceive particular issues.

This however begs the question: is the Australian nation, at this point in its relatively short history, ready to embrace big ideas, let alone dangerous ones? After all, let’s not forget that we did just elect a conservative government

who claim a mandate to disband (among other things) the emissions trading scheme and fibre-optic NBN – arguably two of the better examples of long-term vision in Australia’s recent political history.

Mossop sighs. “I don’t think there were many ideas discussed in this election at all . . . if we can have a whole election without so much as a single idea being discussed, I think it’s really important to make public spaces where people can talk about ideas.”

“what’s sad for me about our political culture is that most politicians have to be quite careful to not look like they’re too clever ...”

However that’s not to say there are not intelligent politicians out there.

“What’s sad for me about our political culture is that most politicians have to be quite careful to not look like they’re too clever . . . any kind of sign that they might be showing an idea has to be kept under the carpet, so they can go on Big Brother and keep a straight face,” jokes Mossop.

Despite the short-sightedness of our political sphere, it is heartening to know so many people in major cities around Australia are embracing the public discussion format – at the very least as a means of entertainment. But shouldn’t the harbour city do more to advance its international image beyond its obvious aesthetic qualities?

“I think Sydney has the potential to be a lot smarter, to be seen as a lot

more interesting and intelligent place than it currently is,” Mossop muses.

“If you travel to other cities and you talk to people involved in this kind of thing around the world they’re really interested in what happens here . . . but what we project of ourselves to the rest of the world is, I would say the less interesting end of that spectrum.

Fireworks, motor racing, you know, lots of major sporting events.”

Ultimately it’s a question of values, and what we deem to be impor tant.

And while we might want to “solve some things with a magic wand”, as Mossop puts it, the reality is a lot more complex.

As the old adage goes, “All good things take time.” The same is true for ideas.

Of course, in the meantime there’s nothing stopping us from picking the brains of some of the world’s most fascinating and provocative thinkers – all gathered under the roof of one of the most iconic locations on the globe.

“I think I’m just going to be running around the building trying to see a bit of everything,” chuckles Mossop.

No harm in that, right?

Photography Credit: Prudence Upton 35

Is this shit Any GOOd?

MUSIC

CINEMA/BAR

THEATRE

BOOK

NOTHING WAS THE SAME - DRAKE

GOLDEN AGE CINEMA AND BAR

THE FLOATING WORLD

PARDON ME FOR MENTIONING

Ah, Drake. The man whose three facial expressions are: pensive, thoughtful, and a grin that is somehow both squinty and pouty.

The man who referenced a Nickelback track in order to promote the phrase ‘YOLO’, the almighty bumper sticker of acronyms.

But this review isn’t about the Aaliyah-obsessing, MrRogers-sweater-wearing, rapper-singer-but-still-definitely-arapper-guys. It’s about the latest addition to his discography, the highly anticipated Nothing Was the Same. Throughout the thirteen tracks, Drake addresses deep and meaningful issues, like passive-aggressive texting, hitting up strip-clubs and renewing his driver’s licence. And of course, there’s the infamous ‘Started from the Bottom’, whose chorus strains to convince us of Drake’s humble beginnings through the ingenious use of repetition.

Musically, the exploitation of the ever-popular Autotune both masks and conveys Drake’s perpetual identity crisis. He just can’t seem to shake the nice-guy image of Jimmy Brooks (the character he played in Degrassi), and is left to lament his delicate position, convincing the masses he’s equal parts daring and caring, hard and bard, temperamental and sentimental.

The problem is that for each decent, catchy hip-hop song (such as ‘Hold On, We’re Going Home’ and ‘Too Much’, aided by the likes of long-time producer Noah ‘40’ Shebib and dedicated vocalists such as Sampha and Majid Jordan), there is a dull, vain and almost depressing track further explaining Drake’s torn and wearied psyche. But as Drake continues to mosey around his chosen, meditative niche in the hip-hop game, his tracks will surely appease his steadfast fans.

Despite the promise of the album’s title, it’s much of the same from Drake. The record feels like a giant, brooding selfie, with a technical growth akin to downloading a new Instagram filter. #yolo

Something wonderful has happened; the revival of The Golden Age Cinema and Bar. Situated downstairs at the old, Heritage-listed Paramount Pictures building on Commonwealth Street, it’s kind of hard to discern what’s going on at first. But edge down the darkened stairs and things become clearer: a revamped screening room and exquisitely-lit bar (no joke, this is a light globe appreciators wet dream) that takes advantage of original art deco fittings from 1940, re-capturing a sense of old-world romanticism.

Seating sixty, the theatre itself is a strangely intimate experience. Two films are screened per evening and the program features a combination of mainstream new releases, cult classics and rare arthouse gems.

Ticket prices are very reasonable (concessions $15, adults $20) and on special ‘Classics’ nights, Golden Age charges the price that would have been paid at the time the film was released.

The decadent small bar serves a mixed menu of wine, beer and cocktails. For students, drinks are perhaps a little pricey – but what else could be expected from anywhere slightly on-trend in Sydney these days? Tapas and novelty cinema snacks are also available (flavoured popcorn, whattup!).

However, the undoubtable highlight is the Golden Age Messina Sundae (yes, Golden Age is in partnership with Messina). A different sundae is served each night; the fact you don’t have a choice in flavours was quickly forgotten once our delicious, pavlova-esque concoctions arrived ($8), and the service is also amazing.

This place has got serious class, yet lacks the pretentious vibe so common in many nearby Surry Hills haunts. Be the only people having a drink in the bar after the 9pm film session and the bartenders won’t even flinch. This is the cinema at its best.

Pardon Me for Mentioning… is a quirky collection of letters to the editors of The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald which was inspired by the UK equivalent, Am I Alone in Thinking…?

These are the letters that were too smutty, too controversial, too awkward or too inappropriate to get picked up for print in these newspapers, and they certainly make for a fun light read, particularly for people like myself who never seem to have the energy or time to read an entire novel. This isn’t the sort of book you read at once, but it’s the kind where you can pick it up and read any page to at least find a chuckle or two.

Alex Kaplan, Julie Lewis and Catherine Munro add colour to these snippets by detailing their experiences as newspaper editors and the relationships they’ve witnessed between readers and their newspaper. This book introduces us to many who, despite the ease of commenting on news websites, keep the art of letter writing alive with their short and (sometimes overly) personal letters and emails.

Pardon Me for Mentioning…gives us short and sweet stories of long-term relationships with the paper, often torn between the newspaper content, personal anecdotes and updates on writers’ lives; a lot of these contributors can’t even go on holiday without continuing to submit their letters.

There are letters that fill me with both rage or hope as I read; sometimes both. Despite the revolting display of journalism in our newspapers this past year, readers aren’t as dumb as the likes of Murdoch would hope and this is the point this book ultimately illustrates.

Golden Age runs Tuesday-Sunday.

Check out http://ourgoldenage.com.au/ for session details.

Despite being someone who usually hates military history, John Romeril’s The Floating World left me surprisingly satisfied.

First performed in 1974, the play is a social critique of the realities of post-WWII Australia that brings the impact of the Vietnam War to stage. Now, almost forty years on, director Sam Strong skillfully revives the seventies classic at Griffin Theatre.

The lead character, Les Harding, tells a universal tale about the post-traumatic stress experienced by many soldiers.

Distressingly, we watch the character try to suppress horrific flashbacks of his experiences as a Japanese prisoner of war, a nightmare prompted by a few too many cans of Fosters.

I was alarmed by the urgency of the themes in light of the legacy of Australia’s involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan.

So challenging was it to watch a character play part in his own demise, that The Floating World made me feel painfully aware of the timeless nature of the trauma of war.

However, dark themes are offset with raw humor and a kitsch 1970s cruise ship setting; stand-up comedy, piña coladas and themed nights kept me laughing. But as the play progresses, the technicolor disco lights that encircle the stage induce waves of nausea and the audience witnesses Les’s slow dissent into madness.

As Les, theatre veteran Peter Kowitz is outstanding; his nuanced portrayal of a man tormented by his memories is thrilling to watch. He is strongly supported by Valerie Bader, as wife Irene, who comically portrays Australian naivety and xenophobic attitudes.

In a world still grappling with the devastation of war, a line from the closing act of the play resonates all too clearly: “It’s not that human beings cannot bear too much reality.

It’s that reality is too much to bear.”

The Floating World leaves a lasting impact. I highly recommended it.

Mairead Armstrong

SARAH CHRISTIE

Joshua Rebolledo

Kieran Boyd

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bored stupid ?!

Budding astrologist Zara Selman steps out from behind the cobwebs to share some spooky fortunes.

LIBR A

AQ UARIUS

CANCER

22 September – 23 October

20 January – 18 February

21 June – 22 July

It’s probably a good thing that you’ve been pulling a lot of all-nighters recently. If you’d actually managed to stay on top of your workload this semester you’d have been visited in your dreams by a deformed man with knives for fingers. Keep punching those caffeinated beverages, or risk being slashed to death in your sleep.

Now the weather is warming up, your skin is getting pretty dry. Whatever you do, don’t put on any fucking lotion – even if it comes in a nice basket. Supple skin or your life, it’s your choice.

Don’t mistake the groaning, bleary-eyed people in the library for overworked students. They’re actually zombies. Get yourself to Broadway and jump on a bus straight away. If you see a friend sitting on the back seat who looks like they may be infected, do them a solid and shoot them in the head.

S C O R PIO

A R IES

LEO

23 October – 22 November

20 March– 19 April

22 July – 22 August

Be wary at hockey practice this week.

Your new teammate, who’s super tall and has a penchant for wearing his goalie mask on and off the field, isn’t who he seems. The fact that he uses a machete to bat the puck around should be a pretty big warning sign.

If you’re a virgin thinking about doing the deed, don’t – you’ll be killed first.

Sorry, I know it’s a tough break, but them’s the rules. Obey them, and for god’s sake stay away from motorised garage doors.

Be particularly discerning when looking at rental properties this month. Sure, for such a low price you can probably live with the green slime oozing out of the walls. But having to constantly find new roommates because you keep inexplicably murdering them could become a bit of a drag.

S A G I T TA R I U S

TA U R U S

V IR G O

22 November – 21 December

19 April – 20 May

23 August – 22 September

Thinking of taking a camping trip in the woods this month to shoot some footage for your MAP project? Whatever you do, don’t open any newspaper-wrapped parcels you may find. It’s not food. I repeat: it’s not food. I don’t care if you’re sick of eating beans out of a can – do not be tempted.

You’ll meet a cute guy named Damian in a tute this month. Don’t be charmed by his boyish good looks and sob story about being adopted. If you must go out with him, make sure you pack seven daggers in your backpack. Trust me when I say they’ll come in handy.

C A P R IC O R N

GE MINI

21 December– 20 January

20 May – 21 June

Your housemate will tell you they have ‘food poisoning’ this month. They’ll blame their pallid complexion and green vomit on some bad Thai food, but not even two-week-old prawn Pad Thai can do that to a person. Call a priest and get the fuck out of the house. Just don’t use the stairs.

You’ve been working pretty hard this semester, shutting yourself away in your room in an attempt to score some HDs. Just remember that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. When you finally emerge to have drinks with some friends, steer clear of the red rum.

That creepy guy that keeps following you around? Yeah, he’s dead. That’s right, you see dead people. Don’t bring that up on your next date though, things could get a little awkward – especially if he decides to join you.

*Pisces stupidly took a phone call from a private number, thinking it was the person they hooked up with on Saturday night. They died seven days later.

SA REPORTS

Well folks, looks like this will be my last Vertigo report.

This year has been a great big adventure. We have achieved a lot and yet there is still so much to fight for. We were struck hard by the $2. 8 billion cut s to university funding that were announced in April and are looking to have a severe impact on the quality of our education.

The cut s also targeted the most disadvantaged student s . Put ting Star t-Up and equit y scholarships onto students’ HECS debts means that students who are low-SES, Indigenous or have special needs will have to pay more for their degree. The fact that this ridiculous policy came from a Labor government was sickening. Now that we’re in Abbot toc alypse it ’ll be an even tougher battle to roll back these cuts.

The Students’ Association has been involved in nationwide actions against the cuts which gathered thousands of students out in protest. Through this nationally coordinated ef for t, the National Union of Students and Students’ Association were able to take the cuts down from $2.8 billion to $2.3 billion.

Nevertheless there is obviously a long way to go and we don’t plan on giving up.

There are a few people I’d like to thank for their generous suppor t and awesomeness during my Pres year. First, the tireless, innovative, DIY-genius, Education Vice President, Lucy Bonanno. Your energ y, amazing ideas and carpentr y skills have inspired me and kept me going, so thank you for being the perfect partner in activism-dom this year.

To Alison Whittaker and Maggie Sheen, thank you for always going above and beyond what I could ever have asked or anticipated. Your incredible hard work and de dic ation have help e d to grow the Student s’ Association into the wonder fully active and vibrant place it is to day. Rudi Bremer, Adwoa Humphreys , Andie Yates, Alana West, Jess Xu and Michael Kennedy, thank you for making the Students’ Association a fun and welcoming place to be, indulging me when I do my odd shoulder dance and exciting me with your great ideas for future actions and campaigns.

Douglas McDonald, thank you for being an amazing Secretar y. You have been my rock , my anchor, my saviour and my companion throughout the year, so thank you for all your incredible work. I hope you get a bit of a break soon.

Welcome to our newest activists - Carisse, Freya, Jake, Dawn, Uthra, Sylvia, Zoe, Katelyn, Jesse, Lara, and many more – we’re excited to have you on board and I’m look forward to seeing what awesome activism you’ll be up to next year.

I’d like to thank NLS for teaching me about autonomy, intersectionalit y and small ‘p’ politics.

Thank you for the support I’ve been given, both locally and nationally, and allowing me to be a par t of an inspiring network of activists.

Thank you to the UTSSA Staff for your work this year.

I greatly appreciate your patience and commitment throughout our long EBA process . C ongratulations to our Office Manager Jess Hill for her new baby Levi!

Thanks also go to my predecessor – current NUS President Jade Tyrrell – I have done my best to continue your legacy, and I am very grateful for the support you’ve given me as a campus President.

Thank you to the Vertigo team, who has been incredibly kind and tolerant of me all year. It has been a pleasure reading your brilliant publication – you’ve made me very proud that I go to UTS and get to be a part of our campus culture. You have a lot to boast about now, and I wish you all well for the future.

Finally, thank YOU for being a part of my experiences as SRC President for 2013. If you’ve been reading my repor ts, engaging with the Students’ A ssociation or just hanging out at Bluebird, I greatly appreciate your time and enthusiasm (extra points to those who’ve called me ‘Captain’, ‘El Presidente’, ‘Master in Chief’, ‘Fearless Leader’ etc - it makes me feel so chuffed).

I wish you the very best for your upcoming exams and final assessment s , and I’m looking for ward to seeing you at Students’ Association events and protests next year.

Email: sapresident2013@gmail.com

LYNDAL BUTLER President, UTS Students’ Association

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SA REPORTS

It’s here! Finally! The end of uni. Now, jump on those last few exams and assignment s and you’re done.

Speaking of done, this is also my last report. I know, I know, this is going to be hard. We’ve had a good run, and it was fun while it lasted, but it’s time to move on.

However, our most wonder ful Students’ Association shall remain, taking bizarre questions, running collectives and yelling at your lecturers when they’re being douchy.

But alas, I shall not be here nearly as much. I’ll probably go back to that thing I used to do…a whatsamacallit… you know, degree.

Cynicism aside, some engagement with your SRC won’t kill you (seeing as most of you never turn up to things, even when I bring nibbles and dip). Having an engaged SRC is important, no matter how ridiculous it all is. Abbot t is already cut ting back on universit y ser vices, and yeah, it will get worse (hence why I’m going to tr y and finish this degre e before fe e s get too cray). We are the people that get to have riveting discussions with our most entertaining and enlightened university admin, organise those highly engaging rallies with student s from all universities and we manage to get along so very well with each other. (I know it ’s sometimes hard to convey sarcasm in written word, but I assure you, that last part was just dripping with it).

It’s a crappy job, not for the lighthearted, concise thinker s or anyone that c an expre s s a simple ide a within thre e hour s . But it ’s impor t ant , be c ause if students didn’t call any shots, they’d be called for us.

And they’d be called by people who wouldn’t have a clue about how annoying Centrelink is, or who think $9 is a acceptable price for a sandwich and will never really understand the pain of ‘reblog limit reached’.

Rant over. I’m off to enjoy my life now – have fun, read widely and always check the use-by date.

Email: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com

LUCY BONANNO Education Vice President, UTS Students’ Association

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