Issue One - 2013

THE BURNING CRANE EDITION

EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Mark Outridge

CONTRIBUTORS Antigone Anagnostellis Greta Balog Ruby Bell Eliza Berlage Kieran Boyd Laurren Brannigan-Onato Ryan Diefenbach The Graduate James Haydon

David Hristoforidis Alex Johnson George Lindsay Paige Murphy Kate Playford Tawar Razaghi Josh Rebolledo Daniel Santiago Alison Whittaker

CONTENTS

ART & DESIGN Supriya Bhonsle Minh Bui ADVERTISING Stephanie King COVER IMAGE Maxwell Tilse

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OUR THANK YOU’S Steph Walker Express Media Julia Gillard’s stylist Pie Face The backpackers who put up with us at The Nunnery The guy who invented Maltesers Gin

AND FUCK YOU’S All the haters The McDonalds employee who gave us a NZ dollar coin as change The bartenders at Bar Broadway who wouldn’t serve us CityRail for raising ticket prices again The Gmail account that’s asking us questions that we don’t understand The Obeids

WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spot Press Pty Ltd, Marrickville This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nasty organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.

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CONFESSIONS OF AN UNPAID INTERN

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SHOWCASE

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THE LIFE OF PROFESSOR ROY GUTHRIE

EDITORIAL CALENDAR MEET THE EDITORS UTS: THE BIG BAD WOLF? A RUN DOWN ON LEND LEASE FUCK UPS GOING WITHOUT: CARBOHYDRATES SOAPBOX. GETTING DIRTY WITH GERTIE THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: DENIAL A GUIDE TO YOUR FACULTY THE EDITOR’S MAP OF UTS A POX ON POP CULTURE: KIM KARDASHIAN ROADTEST: ONLINE DATING SHOWCASE: ALISON WHITTAKER DEFAMER IN A STATE OF HERMITUDE IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? LOVERSCOPES BORED STUPID?!

SA REPORTS

Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquiries

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices.

EDITORIAL

CALENDAR

Howdy readers and welcome to another year of Vertigo.

This year the job of putting together your student magazine has fallen to us: ten surly twenty-somethings with collectively what could be described as a passable knowledge of how to run a media enterprise. It’s a big job, and a fun one. But sometimes the burden of responsibility is hard to bear.

Luckily, even before our first issue was printed we got our first piece of fan mail: a two page hand-written letter from Rodney Rachal, or as he’s known in the Texas Prison System, Inmate #100958074. Rodney may be on Death Row for murder but he found the time to contact us with an offer of friendship and an honest depiction of prison life.* Rodney did specifically say that he was looking for friends aged 40 and older, which makes his decision to contact a student publication somewhat puzzling. If you’re reading this, Rodney, we dedicate the first issue of 2013 to you.

But back to you, reader; we’ve got an interview with Hermitude, who are playing at O’ Fest this year. We’ve got a captivating suite of poems from Alison Whittaker, a great piece by Tawar Razaghi on the late Professor Roy Guthrie and a scathing report on the antics of Kim Kardashian by Alex Johnson. For those starting uni this year we have a useful guide to faculty stereotypes, an article about the trials and tribulations of those first few weeks, and even a map that shows you all of UTS’ important (and secret) spots and services. We have all your old Vertigo favourites, like Soapbox and Defamer, and some new stuff, like Going Without by the very brave James Haydon.

So whether you’re reading this on the Concourse on O’ Day, on the shuttle bus to Kuring-gai, or even in a cell in Harris County Jail, we hope we can make you laugh, or think, or both at the same time. And don’t forget, if you are a UTS student and think you can write something worth reading, contact us at submissions@utsvertigo.com with a finished piece or a pitch or even just tell us about your vague desire to write for us. Your submissions keep this magazine going.

Happy reading.

Joe and The Vertigo Team

*This is not a hoax. If anyone wants to write to Rodney, contact us at editorial@utsvertigo.com. The least we can do is to find him some pen pals.

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the E DI T OR S IT’S TIME WE INTRODUCED THE GOONS WHO WILL BE CURATING THIS YEAR’S TEN EDITIONS OF VERTIGO

MAIREAD ARMSTRONG

LACHLAN BENNETT

SALLY COLEMAN

FIONA DUNNE

Mairead always has several fictional relationships going on in her head. Becoming a Vertigo editor has been her biggest academic achievement since winning the Christopher Brennan poetry prize by default in Year Nine. If her goal of becoming David Stratton falls through, she would like to be a professional tennis player when she grows up. This year, she hopes to add the correct spelling of ‘Mairead’ to Word on as many university computers as possible.

Lachlan is a writer and freelance journalist who is interested in politics, human rights and Australian culture.

As a child he appeared on the children’s TV show Hi-5.

His television career has gone downhill from there. He is passionate about theatre and hopes to one day write an edgy Australian drama (either that or Big Momma’s House IV).

When Sally first learnt to write, she used to scribble notes to her future self, gladwrap them and bury them in her backyard. Unfortunately, her backyard was renovated several years later, and the insightful advice of 5-year-old Sally was lost forever. If this hadn’t happened, Sally might have had a chance to warn herself not to take on too many things at once. Instead, she now works two paid jobs, two volunteer jobs, studies full time, and occasionally buries notes in Victoria Park.

Fiona wears many figurative hats and currently wrangles four email addresses. To win her favour, mix Jameson with soda and lime. Unless you’re a barista, in which case, one flat white, please. Though Fiona has learnt to construct her thoughts in 140 characters or less, she is still excellent at settling arguments at the pub. She interns with a book publisher, a magazine and a literary festival. When she grows up, Fiona would like a lemon tree and a beagle called Gomez.

TESSA FEGGANS

FRANCES MAO

JOE MCKENZIE

Tessa hails from the southern suburbs of Sydney and therefore spends an inordinate amount of time people-watching on trains.

She is an arthritic, surprisingly optimistic hypochondriac whose left side of her brain works distinctly harder than her right, as evidenced whenever she attempts to read maps, use computers or do equations in her head. Her dream job is to be a travel writer having dastardly adventures and living life by that eternal Western proverb, #yolo.

Frances has “Carpe the Fucking Diem!” painted on her wall and regularly rolls out of bed at 12pm. It’s this same lackadaisical attitude and aversion to hard work that landed this Journo/ Law kid internships at Crikey and the Sydney Morning Herald, and interviews with eminent and important people in society like Carly Rae Jepsen She also won a Walkley Award last year, but given the celebrity interviews, I think we know what the bigger achievement is here.

Joe survived primary school by being the weird kid who would tell jokes. He has never really stopped. He has vague aspirations of turning this defensive pathology into some kind of career path but in the end he will probably end up taking over the family business — a clandestine methamphetamine lab.

He also has a fondness for chamomile tea.

NAOMI RUSSO

ZARA SELMAN

HANNAH STORY

Zara lives by the life motto “You can never be overdressed or educated,” which is why she’s been at university for so long and owns two wardrobes.

When she’s not busy writing fictocritical essays or spouting feminist diatribes, Zara can be found studying ‘faashurrnnn’ at a private college — yeah, weird combo, she knows.

Things she can’t live without include Diet Coke, nicotine, Japanese food and Bret Easton Ellis novels.

Hannah is not sure whether it’s appropriate to refer to herself as an ‘emerging writer’.

Instead she calls herself a ‘young writer’ just to be safe.

She writes and edits articles and short fiction for a number of publications and companies, and is a perpetual intern. She subsists on a diet of curry, gin and M&Ms, can’t apply nail polish, and is writing a novella titled Meringues. She hopes the hipster fad will die in 2013 so she can hang out in Mojo Record Bar all by herself.

Naomi has too many jobs, but this one is by far her favourite (despite being unpaid). After all, when working for Vertigo Naomi doesn’t have to wear an old man’s pyjama shirt and business pants, reason with customers or research container freight. Expect her to finish your meal, drink before lunch, tell inappropriate stories and carry around too many books. Don’t expect her to be serious, quiet, or full.

UTS: THE BIG BAD WOLF?

Some people believe that if we define something, we make sense of it. And having gained understanding, the thing is less scary. A university is formally defined as “an educational institution designed for instruction and examination of students.” However, it is essential to consider that a university also refers to the “members of this collectively.”

As corny and clichéd as it sounds, University is about U! Afraid you won’t fit in? Don’t worry, it’s far better to stand out! There are thousands of students buzzing in and out of UTS with various routines, so the prospect of the campus having a popular group or Queen Bee is impossible.

Devastated that none of your old friends are going?

Consider uni a fresh start. It’s a melting pot of cultures and subcultures. You’ll be mixing with people from all over Sydney, as well as interstaters and international students.

Hipsters, socialists, greenies, budding politicians, athletes, engineers, they’re all here! They’re also all supported. Our fantastic Students’ Association is available for advice and support on legal matters, and there are dedicated spaces and groups for wom*n, queer and indigenous students.

Embarrassed about going to an ugly university? Don’t be.

Think of UTS like a pug. We may not have the ‘pretty’ poodle prestige of our sandstone frenemies up the road, but you will

and finish up the day getting creative, crunk and competitive at the Glasshouse for trivia. They also throw themed events for special occasions like St Patrick’s Day and the Melbourne Cup, or if you want something classier you can find a tasty tipple, live music (and me) at the Loft.

Don’t let geography cripple your social life. There are many ways to be in the middle of the action even if you’re still living in the ‘burbs with your parents. Make uni your second home! The campus is equipped with everything you need to feel refreshed. Take advantage of discounted gym memberships (showers!) or get yourself a locker. For $20 a semester, you can have your own storage space in Building 1 or 2. It’s a whole lot cheaper than renting an inner-city apartment, and it has most of the benefits (aside from being able to bring a ‘special’ friend home). Keep your university supplies like laptops and lab coats safe or turn your locker into a pop-up wardrobe! Just stock it with spare clothes, toiletries, a hair straightener and heels so you’re always ready for a quick change before a big night out.

And what about the day after? Whether it’s dancing ‘til the sun comes up or studying until your head nods off, allnighters take their toll. Luckily for you, UTS provides. It’s

“UTS IS AN ACTIVE CAMPUS WITH A VARIETY OF SOCIAL EVENTS AND GROUPS. THERE’S SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE - FROM SPORTS TO BEER APPRECIATION, FROM ENTREPRENEUR EVENTS TO GAMERS’ TOURNAMENTS AND THEATRE PERFORMANCES.”

ELIZA BERLAGE DEBUNKS THE MYTHS ABOUT STARTING UNIVERSITY AND SHARES HER WISDOM ABOUT MAKING THE MOST OF YOUR TIME AT UTS.

U

niversity. It may be a simple ten letter word, but if you’re about to start your first year then it’s enough to induce a serious case of word-vomit (and maybe actual vomit). UTS may be big. It may be dark. And considering that there are no limitations on the way men (or women) can grow their facial hair, then I suppose it is also a bit hairy. But it should never be scary.

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learn to love our strange, vaguely intimidating appearance.

And though we may be grass-deficient, just remember, it is not a crime to expand your social circle further afield and chill up in Victoria Park or on the USYD lawns from time to time.

Sure there are lots of people you can meet, but how do you make friends? Well, actually just talking to people is an excellent start. UTS is an active campus with a variety of social events and groups. There’s something for everyone from sports to beer appreciation, from entrepreneur events to gamers’ tournaments and theatre performances. At O Week and throughout the year, you can sign up to as many societies and clubs as you like (just remember that many have a joining fee, so shop around before you decide where to commit your hard-earned or government-funded money).

Don’t have time for social groups? There are plenty of other opportunities to make a splash. Start a conversation with someone in your tutorial. Then if you hit it off, invite them for a drink or coffee at your favourite café or dumpling bar. Always start your Wednesday with a free gourmet breakfast and some new faces at the Bluebird Brekkie Bar

common to see students snoozing on the bed-like couches in the Tower, dozing on the tabletop desks in lecture theatres or pulling up a beanbag under the library stairwell for a siesta. Getting forty winks is as easy as finding the right spot.

Returning to the idea of defining something to make it less scary, let’s take the word ‘campus’. A campus refers to the ground or buildings or a university or institution. If you weren’t already aware, UTS is unique and unlike USYD or UNSW, an area of plazas, buildings and alumni grass doesn’t define it. UTS does not warrant its own postcode, it’s just a university that’s one with the city. Travel between classes requires careful jaywalking and navigating different parts of the CBD – Chinatown, Broadway, Ultimo and Chippendale.

Each has a slightly different vibe and food, fashion and fun to sample.

In a way, the boundaries of the UTS campus don’t exist, and not to sound cheesy, this seems like the perfect metaphor for the kind of university experience you can have here. If you grab opportunity by the (metaphorical) balls and run with it, then your student life can be limitless and prosperous. It’s all up to U. ISSUE 1 /

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A RUNDOWN ON LEND LEASE’S FUCK-UPS FRANCES MAO LOOKS INTO “ONE OF AUSTRALIA’S LARGEST CONTRACTORS ACROSS THE CONSTRUCTION AND INFRASTRUCTURE ASSET MANAGEMENT AND ENGINEERING SERVICES INDUSTRIES”.* SHE DISCOVERS SOME LESS THAN POSITIVE TRUTHS.

As a rule of thumb, fucking things up is to be expected from a construction company. If you’ve ever used your own hands to do a DIY job, you’ll know that construction is a disaster waiting to happen. Fingers get jammed, hammers hit thumbs, and Bob the Builder’s catchphrase is “CAN WE FIX IT?” not “CAN WE GET IT RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY?” Now, just because a stray Lend Lease crane brought shame to UTS, it doesn’t mean we want one of the world’s building giants to stop its work post-haste. We don’t want one of Australia’s largest companies to hit the wall, and it won’t. After all, they have some stunning architectural revelations in their portfolio including the Sydney Opera House, the Anzac Bridge, and the Ground Zero Memorial in New York.

But they do seem dogged by controversial cock ups and they’re behind most of the construction on campus.

So here’s a look at some other things Lend Lease may have fucked up – purely for amusement’s sake.

THE OTHER CRANE Hurricane Sandy, New York City. This transatlantic crane incident made news headlines in an odd precursor to the UTS incident. Buckling under torrential winds and pounded by the rains of the superstorm, the weakened construction crane slumped over beside the luxury apartments it had been working on and ended up dangling a precarious ninety storeys above the ground. Two very wealthy dentists then went and sued Lend Lease for negligence (I guess you can’t sue a hurricane) and the damage the crane did to their practice’s reputation. But don’t start getting crazy ideas about scrounging around in the UTS coffers for litigation money just yet...

VICTORIAN GOVERNMENT RELATIONS ‘Lend Lease totally fucked it up with the cool kids in Melbourne by hanging with its Construction, Forestry, Mining and Engineering Union (CFMEU) union buddies.

Victorian premier, Ted Bailleu, tried to ban the group from receiving government work for the next four years for signing a contract with the union that breached new code

regulations. The contract stipulated both restrictions on outside labour and minimum pay rates. Had they not been kicked out of the club, they would have probably gone on to host the $630 million party that was renovating Bendigo Hospital.’

PREDICTIONS FOR FUTURE FUCK UPS In 2009, Lend Lease won the highly prized government contract for the construction of Barangaroo South (worth $6 billion), and then in 2012, the Darling Harbour’s Sydney Convention, Exhibition and Entertainment Precinct contract worth $1 billion. They now have roughly half of the CBD’s significant development in its hands. Rival developers have darkly muttered about this, and Lend Lease’s controversial proposal to return the Barangaroo waterfront to the public.

The original development plans exceeded the area’s height restrictions and were criticised by sustainability and design experts for being too ‘fuggers’. Lend Lease then teamed up with James Packer to put a casino resort on Barangaroo land…

Like all buildings that aren’t designed in the classical Greek style, people tend to slap on the ‘fugly’, ‘decrepit’ or ‘aftermath of an earthquake’ tag without really examining the beauty of a building that resembles a crumpled paper bag, such as our very own Dr Chau Chak Wing Bulding. It was designed by Frank Gehry so others have called it fluid and undulating, as it already looks like it’s collapsed on its foundations. With this in mind, it’s no surprise that Lend Lease were hired as builders. The $150 million budget has already blown out to $180 million because they’ll be utilising a more structurally sound method of constructing the building brick-by-brick.

So we can’t escape Lend Lease. It’s all around us, whether you’re up in the Tower or down in Markets. The uni could pass out mandatory hard hats but that would probably be overkill. Instead, next time you’re sitting around on the AstroTurf enjoying a coffee, you might want to look up. Just for a heads-up on that burning crane plummeting from the sky. Remember to sidestep and you’ll be fine. * www.baulderstone.com.au/about/lend-lease

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GOING W I T H O U T: C A R B O H Y D R AT E S

SHOULD RELIGIOUS UNIVERSITIES BE EXEMPT FROM ANTI-DISCRIMINATION LAW?

UNI LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING SACRIFICES. WE FIND OURSELVES GIVING THINGS UP IN ORDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET. THIS MONTH, JAMES HAYDON DISCOVERS THAT A LIFE WITHOUT CARBS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY CRUMMY.

I

thought I was good at giving things up. Over the years I’ve given up alcohol, biting my nails, procrastination, sex, sleeping in, my mobile phone, being unfit, pineapples and Facebook. None of these stuck, but in spite of my pathetic lack of willpower I remained confident that I could give up carbs.

I am by no means a ‘manly man’. I can compliment a friend's new hair, I might use a few too many products in the bathroom and I hold strong opinions about curtains. But I’d never gone on a diet before. Sure, from time to time, I’d look at myself in the mirror and think maybe I shouldn’t eat quite as many Tim Tams, but that resolution would only last a day or so until I became stressed, despondent or just bored. Then I’d raid the fridge in search of something sweet. But diets? Not even on my radar.

Men don’t really talk about diets. “Real men don’t go on diets! They go to the gym and lift heavy weights then THROW them on the ground and YELL at them to show them who’s boss. Real men STAB A GRIZZLY IN THE FACE and EAT IT and fall asleep on a bed made of MACHINE GUNS AND DINOSAUR BONES.” The first two days passed without much trouble. I discovered what I couldn’t eat: things that tasted nice.

Anything with sugar? Gone. This obviously meant chocolate and cake, but unfortunately also included milk, bread, rice (any grains, really), chips, fruits, sauces, juice and a million other things. What I could eat? Meat, cheese and vegetables, and don’t forget eggs.

After a few days, two things happened. First my body entered ketosis and started burning fat, which came with headaches and flu-like symptoms. That sucked. Second, I became incredibly boring and constantly talked about my stupid diet. This sucked for everybody else. It wasn’t intentional but I just couldn’t stop thinking about food, and this turned me into a really annoying guy.

Then, six days in, disaster struck.

A friend of mine was going overseas so we had dinner at The Abercrombie before she left. “Burger and salad, please,” I told the waitress. It was delivered with chips. My mouth began watering, but I sent them back for the salad. Then (horror of horrors), she brought both salad and chips back and said the “chips are on the house.”

They were free... did this count? At this point I realised I'd already devoured half the cup. So I scooped up the hamburger and went to town on it. My friend looked rather bemused, perhaps by what appeared to be my fifteen minutes of selfcontrol or by the look of pure satisfaction that had spread across my face. The night, I'm ashamed to say, ended with a deep-fried Golden Gaytime...

I woke up the next morning feeling defeated. Was this it? Had I really plumbed the depths of my self-control and come up with five and a half days, followed by a hedonistic indulgence that would make Epicurus say, “Fucking hell, man! That’s a bit much!”

I summoned a new resolve; I could do this. Only eight more days and I didn’t plan to cheat again. So I researched recipes. I discovered that I could eat tuna and consumed it with every form of cheese known to man. I dragged myself (with much wailing and gnashing of teeth) to the end of those light-headed and flavourless two weeks. Then, I introduced carbs slowly back into my diet, shedding the bad ones and entering into a kind of zen harmony with my food.

Except, no, I didn’t do that. I didn’t even come close. I gorged like a toddler who’d found a stash of chocolate. But by god, there was no absent-minded consumption here — I savoured every morsel.

And what did I learn? That carbs are delicious and I have absolutely no willpower. That talking about your diet doesn’t help you pick up girls; that meat only tastes nice when you can eat it with bread; and everything, EVERYTHING tastes better with sugar.

FOR JOSH REBOLLEDO

AGAINST RYAN DIEFENBACH

Discrimination is, needless to say, disgusting, and the public sector should in no way support it. But religious universities are not, and should not be, a part of our public sector. Therefore they should not have to comply with the same regulations as their public counterparts; secularism goes both ways. I therefore contend that these religious universities, like many private institutions, are allowed to exclude within their own small community and that this means they should receive no government funding whatsoever.

I would like to point out that this is a totally different argument to that of private vs. public high schools. Some of the best performing high schools are private. They’re better funded, better resourced and as a result, often get better marks. So for private schools to discriminate, those being discriminated against are missing out on a better education or have no choice but to suck it up and deal with an oppressive school’s system.

It is very different for public and private universities.

Public universities are bigger, better funded, more reputable and have a greater selection of subjects and courses. And with HECS being available at these public universities, they are therefore more accessible. So when private universities discriminate, people aren’t being excluded from a better education.

The real issue is that these religious universities are funded by the public sector. Regardless of discrimination, there is no justification for why these universities are given government funding; they are religious and government money should play no part in their financing. If private religious universities are allowed to discriminate then they shouldn’t be receiving support from the public sector.

So yes. Let these private universities have their discrimination, they just need to keep within their own four walls and leave our government funding out of it. People actively make the decision to attend these universities that are more difficult to get into and don’t actually offer a better education. Religion excludes people, so it’s no surprise that their universities do as well. Let them exclude. People have other alternatives for tertiary education. Just keep public money away from it.

The simple answer is no. Believe it or not, anti-discrimination laws are in place so that people can’t get away with discrimination. The law, with few exceptions, is a blanket and should apply to equal subjects in an equal manner.

I don’t have an issue with a university tailoring its courses towards any particular group, because students outside that group can decide for themselves whether to attend or not, but the university institution should not outright exclude them.

If a religious university, or any other university for that matter, wants to engage in the business of providing legitimate accreditation and intends to access government funding and support, they should not be able to exclude groups based on any category noted in our existing antidiscrimination legislation. Once they start doing that, I think it moves from being a university to something else. Antidiscrimination law aside, I would argue that it is easy to see the moral questionability of an educational institution widely engaging in prejudice without consequences.

If you take a look at Notre Dame University’s (American) website, it does not discriminate based on “race, color, national or ethnic origin, sex, disability, veteran status, genetic information, or age.” Ideally, religion and sexual orientation would also be in there, but perhaps these things should go without saying in the first place.

If this standard of picking and choosing happened at UTS, and the university branded itself as religious, it could simply decide to exclude, for no real reason, members of the everquirky Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And let’s face it, that’s no fun at all.

Regardless, I think all religious and non-religious universities should be more concerned with providing quality facilities and education than ruling out certain groups. God knows universities have enough problems as it is.

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BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS THEY WERE INTERNS CONFESSIONS OF AN UNPAID INTERN HANNAH STORY SUFFERS FROM A SEVERE CASE OF CHRONIC INTERNITIS. DON’T FALL VICTIM TO THE PLAGUE

I

am an unpaid intern and I hate it.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve had some lovely intern experiences. I’ve met some wonderful people, made some contacts and come to better understand a number of industries. I’ve decided that advertising is not my cup of tea and that publishing is, and that I will probably never probably touch the music industry with a ten-foot pole ever again.

But I hate it, because it seems to me that a number of young people should be compensated for their efforts. I know people who have worked with a company for more than a year, doing things that full-time employees do, with no offer of compensation or a job at the end of that dark, dark tunnel.

The entire point of an internship is that the intern is gaining something and the employer is not. They’re not supposed to be getting work for free; they’re supposed to be giving young people a head start in their industry.

Fair Work Australia recently released a report by University of Adelaide Law School professors, Andrew Stewart and Rosemary Owens, entitled Experience or Exploitation? The Nature, Prevalence and Regulation of Unpaid Work Experience, Internships and Trial Periods in Australia. It found that a growing number of businesses are exploiting interns, offering unpaid work experience schemes as an alternative to hiring paid staff, and taking advantage of students and graduates.

I don’t doubt that it’s true. But it’s not exploitation in the sense that they’re doing menial tasks like buying coffee, or

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that the employer is actively trying to rip young people off while cackling maniacally. It’s exploitation in the sense that legally if the work an intern is doing generates revenue for the company then they should be paid for that work.

And then there’s the issue that interning is inherently classist.

The only people who can afford to intern full-time or even part-time are people from middle to upper-class families.

When you intern part-time, you still have the capacity to work casually and study. But casual work doesn’t cut it when you’re working class or supporting a family. This is an example of structural inequality and should be addressed by the relevant authorities.

But for those who can, the point where you know you shouldn’t be interning anymore is a simple one. It’s the point where you have the skills and you stop learning anything; the moment you realise that you’ve spent three months day in, day out, drafting blog posts, fiddling around on social media and coming up with ‘creative solutions’. You know how this works. You know exactly what you’re doing and you keep doing it, nine to five, as though you’re just another employee.

But as an intern I’ve weighed up the pros and cons. At one internship, I stayed as long as I could because I knew there was more that I didn’t know yet and I wanted so desperately to know. I had decided that there was a ‘career’ in this for me and that I was going to really hone my craft before I left.

It was my employers who decided that they had spent too long exploiting my labour, that they were sorry they couldn’t afford to give me a paid position, and they’d send me any leads as they arose.

Those are the good ones. There are also companies, and dare I say it, entire industries, that thrive only because of unpaid labour. These are the people that you see advertising online. Their business model is built off exploitation. One person is paid and the rest work for free and are expected to be grateful for the opportunity. After all, this is a big step; this is building a portfolio.

There comes a point, however, when self-satisfaction and portfolios don’t pay the bills; you’ve developed the skills to be employed, but it’s not happening. You’ve done two, three, four unpaid internships. You’ve even been freelancing

“IT’S EXPLOITATION IN THE SENSE THAT LEGALLY IF THE WORK AN INTERN IS DOING GENERATES REVENUE FOR THE COMPANY THEN THEY SHOULD BE PAID FOR THAT WORK.”

for free. It may be because the company that you’re working for doesn’t have the money. Or it may be because entrylevel jobs have been sucked into the abyss and replaced with unpaid internships. Or to get a simple entry-level job, you’re expected to have three or more years experience in the industry. Bollocks. Look at any job-hunting site and you’ll see what I mean. They’ve come up with some pretty fancy titles for their interns too; they’re sub-editors and digital marketing consultants. But then you read the fine print where it says, “this is an unpaid position” and have to call your mother back and explain that this is not your big break after all.

But remember that these internship woes are sometimes industry-specific. It’s entirely possible to score yourself a law, accounting, IT, engineering or business internship that pays. Possible. Not common, but possible. It’s actually even possible to score a media one if you look hard enough, or you’re very good and pull a sob story about how “you have to go out and earn some money again” (they gave me a little more than minimum wage to work full time and it was awesome).

In this sense, internships are a mixed bag. Some give you insight, contacts and skills, while others teach you how to stare at a computer screen for eight hours a day without your eyes exploding (kidding, you already knew that, you have Facebook).

So how do you tell if you should be getting paid as an intern? This is where things get complicated, as working for no money at an organisation is technically allowed under the law. It just has to be clear that you are not an employee. The best way to asses whether you’ve formed a legally binding employment relationship is to ask yourself these questions, compiled by Frances Mao:

What is the purpose of the arrangement?

Was it to provide work experience to you? Or was it so your unpaid labour could contribute to business outputs and productivity? Think, did your work produce a direct profit for the business?

How long have you been interning with the company?

The longer you’ve worked there, the more likely it is you’ll be considered an employee.

What are your obligations in the workplace?

Sure, you might complete some productive tasks from time to time, but if there’s no expectation or requirement that you have to do so, then you’re probably not an employee.

On the other hand, if you’re expected to regularly churn out work that directly assists the business, then you might have a case.

Who benefits?

A genuine work experience placement or internship should mainly benefit you, the unpaid intern. This is an opportunity for you to learn the ropes and develop your skills in the industry, not an opportunity for you to be ripped-off. If a business significantly benefits from you being there or reaps a profit from your work, then this could be a sign of a standing employment relationship.

Was the placement entered into through a university or vocational training organisation program? Was it a course requirement? Did it count towards your degree?

If so, then it is unlikely that an employment relationship exists.

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Getting Dirty withGertie They say true wisdom only comes with age. So we’ve asked Gertrude Wishkenstien, a 73 year old UTS student, to help answer some of the year’s toughest questions.

Dear Gertie, My boyfriend fails to give me orgasms. What should I do?

Unsatisfiedbabe, Science Well you’re certainly stuck between a rock and a large pickle, aren’t you, sweetheart? Actually, come to think of it, it’s most likely the lack of a large pickle that’s leaving you with un-rocked socks. You know what they say – size means sighs! But without sounding rude, dear, if you were even remotely attractive you’d probably have a man with a decent Colt in his holster by now.

So you’re just going to have to work with the tool you’ve been given. It’s not ideal, but a bird in the hand is worth two beating around the bush! First, try thinking deep and hard and make sure you’re on top of everything you need to be. And then, tell him to do the same.

If all else fails, tell him you’ve got a bone to pick and that it’s not his. After all, there’s plenty of other, bigger fish to fry in the sea.

And really, that’s all there is to it! It’s not every bag of tricks in the book, but I hope I’ve cut to the chase of the mustard for you, dear.

All the best,

Gertie If you’ve got a question for Gertie, she’d love to hear from you. You can contact her at gertie@utsvertigo.com

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THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: DENIAL A MAN WHO WISHES TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS T H E G R A D U A T E REMINDS US THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE

First semester is underway and, unlike you students, I am a free man. I completed my UTS Communication degree last year with an HD average, and I’ve had plenty of relevant employment experience. If that wasn’t enough, my superannuation fund recently sent me a plastic biro, resplendent in a grey metallic finish, to thank me for ten years of membership. Nothing can stop 2013 from being my year.

Except the world.

You see I’ve been trying to find a job. And despite the unanimous indifference with which the general public regards my arts degree, I still hope to find gainful employment. My prospects, however, remain bleak.

Just this morning I conducted a job search that left me bilious with trepidation— horrors lurk in my immediate future. For example, one job notice sought “a dynamic and enthusiastic individual with a ‘can-do’ attitude, to lead the largest fundraising events portfolio in the Southern Hemisphere and take our events to the next level.” But the only thing I want to take to the next level is my personal best in Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Besides, my attitude tends to be one of ‘might-do’.

An ad for the position of “editor/writer,” claimed to be looking for a, “web-savvy, ambitious self-starter who thrives in a busy environment of tight briefs.” That’s definitely not me. While I’m by no means partial to the reckless practice of freeballing, I find nothing more uncomfortable than a pair of tight briefs. Furthermore, having a workplace policy on knickers seems a bit off to me.

Another ad was after a “creative creative” and the description merely stated that, “You’ll be passionate about all things digital.” Now I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not at all plugged into contemporary culture; the only pulse to which I have my finger pressed is that of my own sinking heart. But I can’t help doubting that these people actually exist. Is anyone really passionate about all things digital? I have digits: five on each hand. And they’re fine, I guess. But I wouldn’t say that I’m passionate about them. That’s just weird.

IMAGE OWNED BY KICKSTARTER.COM

It wasn’t always like this, you know. Before I completed my studies I was actually excited to finish university. I looked forward to the prospect of getting a job. And an alarm clock.

But it’s now dawning on me that I haven’t got the fortitude to participate in the harrowing world of ‘career’. It’s not that I’m a brat; it’s just that I’ve become institutionalised.

The world outside seems thoroughly frightening to me, as it does for Morgan Freeman’s character in The Shawshank Redemption. I long for the safety of the UTS undergraduate routine, where study loads are prescribed, assignments are manageable (except the group ones, which are insufferable), those lunchtime pides give change from a fiver, and the most obnoxious thing you’ll encounter is the smugness of articles that appear in Vertigo, which can be easily avoided.

So then why do I toil over this commentary, virtuous as it may be? After all, my stilted prose must surely by now have led you to determine that, like an apprehensive mother using a breast-pump for the very first time, I find it hard to express myself. And just as if I were an HIV-infected syringe buried in a haystack, it’s not only difficult to locate my point, but also regrettable when you finally do. In spite of these adversities, however, I must forge on with my writings. I have seen the wastelands of UTS alumni and, knowing how truly grim they are, I must relate to you their enormity so that I might reduce your trauma when you too arrive here.

I hereby undertake to write these articles regularly and submit them to Vertigo to be published for the benefit of its esteemed readership. Your obligation in return is simply to read them, and upon reflection of my correspondence, savour your present position. For the world from whence I write is a harsh and unforgiving one, where impertinence yields to impotence, where blowjobs are replaced by desk jobs, where the only celebrated artists are bullshit artists, where hairlines and youth recede at an alarming rate, and where waistlines spread more rapidly than chlamydia.

I wish you the best of luck this semester, my beauties.

And as I take my leave now to chronicle the tribulations that lie inevitably before you, I urge you once more to follow this column, for unlike the days of my life, the best is yet to come.

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SHOWCASE ART Laurren Brannigan-Onato

“I AM NOT AN ARTIST. THIS IS NOT ART. I JUST LIKE TO CREATE WHEN I FIND THE TIME, MERGING MY LOVE OF ART, FILM, MUSIC AND OFTEN COFFEE INTO HOURS OF HAND AND BACK-BREAKING FUN.”

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FACULTY OF SCIENCE

A QUICK GUIDE TO YOUR FACULTY FOR EVERY UTS FACULTY THERE IS A TYPICAL STUDENT. WE ASKED A TEAM OF EXPERTS, ONE FROM EACH FACULTY, TO DESCRIBE THIS STUDENT TO US. Whether you’re a Design Architecture and Building girl in a sheer maxi skirt or a Science lad with glasses, you have a distinguishable characteristic that is different to all the other faculties. New students might want to know what they’ll be teased about over the next three to infinity years.

Older students may want to reform their ways so they’re not instantly recognisable. Or maybe you’re just bored and want to try a round of Law student spotting. Whatever your excuse, this is the guide for you.

FACULTY OF DESIGN ARCHITECTURE AND BUILDING The typical DAB student is a ‘creative-type’. They expect their talent is the key to bigger and better things including a well-paid job, a trendy wardrobe and a beautiful partner from the same occupation. They work their arses off during semester and in the holidays they work on their portfolios and dominate Instagram. They’re also accustomed to not sleeping for long periods of time and thus will probably die young— the public will lament “if only he had lived longer, he may have been lead designer for the CBD’s new public toilets.” - DAVID HRISTOFORIDIS

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You’ll find the typical Science student in a lab coat covered in pub crawl scrawl, struggling to get their pre-lab work done in the last few seconds before class. Time is of the essence during semester enrolments for all science students, otherwise you’ll be stuck mass emailing the faculty for a lab timetable swap. - DANIEL SANTIAGO

FACULTY OF BUSINESS In a business lecture of 600 students spotting a blonde is like finding Wally. Everyone brings their laptops to classes because Facebook is invariably more interesting. However, you are in the minority — you actually attended lectures after Week 2. Often, students repeat finance core subjects because they favour social interaction over spending long hours with their head in a textbook. And it isn’t compulsory to complete an internship, so unless you are a proactive student you will probably continue working in bars until a business somewhere finally gives you a chance.

- PAIGE MURPHY

FACULTY OF ENGINEERING AND INFORMATION & TECHNOLOGY If it’s a FEIT student you’re looking for, then look no further than the Glasshouse. Before, after and — quite often — during lectures and tutorials, these men and women can be found beer in hand, working on their latest startup, belting out the lyrics to Guns and Roses’ ‘Paradise City’ or building 10 foot tall Jenga towers. Sometimes all three at once. For a FEIT student, home is where the beer is. - GEORGE LINDSAY

FACULTY OF HEALTH Editor’s note: After searching high and low for one of these mythical creatures (are they actually real? We’re not sure), we gave up. They’re all in Kuring-gai and are notoriously hard to track. Maybe next year.

FACULTY OF ARTS AND SOCIAL SCIENCES

FACULTY OF LAW

There are three stereotypical FASS students. The most common is the passionate arts-warrior. Their job prospects are bleak, so you know they’re here because it’s their one true calling. They do the readings every week, run a blog to supplement their studies, and are probably infatuated with their lecturers. Then there are the combo-kings who do FASS as part of their double degree (this half being the easy part).

Lastly, there are the bludgers— easily spotted because of their tendency to remark, “I just picked this course because it has no exams.” - RUBY BELL

The law student is an ubiquitous and versatile species. Hard to identify by appearance alone, the law student has no native garb, preferring to dress in the style of their second, niche, degree. They survive on a diet of caffeine and alcohol, and their mating call is the piercing sound of unsolicited quasi-legal advice. - KATE PLAYFORD

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THE EDITORS’

MAP OF UTS ILLUSTRATED BY MAXWELL TILSE ANNOTATED BY FRANCES MAO

B01/THE TOWER “May it be a light to you in dark places when all other lights go out.” - Lord of the Rings Students Association Office Large, noisy group of campaigners/ collectives/ Vertigo editors demanding more money.

Around the SA Office Apathy Vice Chancellor’s Office Just so you know which offices to storm next time they hike up SSAF fees Alumni Green Basically a tropical rainforest. Come at us, USYD Grimy Food Court Dim lighting insures terrible foodstagrams, handily located ATM Glasshouse (Engineering Building) Guys unsuccessfully hitting on the opp. sex

Vertigo Office Intoxication, Geniuses at play, Whining editors, letterbox: Abuse welcome! Constructive, that is.

Any lecture hall/ theatre An abundance of orange Level 69 Swimming Pool Shuttle Bus to Kuringai (Tasmania)

B06/ DAB Building The setting of trends, black-framed glasses, Macs with full Adobe suite, chainsaws, set squares, beanies, glass everywhere ABC Alternate place of worship. See: FASS Students Harris St Random sightings of ABC ‘celebrities’ Decent coffee (ref Pausa/ MyCuppa Wars Vol.2)

B04/SCIENCE BUILDING Rocket Scientists, Walter White and Jesse Pinkman posers Gym Nearest place of worship, Bikes, abs, showers, NB: 6 month membership: $260

HAYMARKET Library NERDS! Valuable, underused resources Five dollar Thai place Delicious lunches for a fiver Bin A bomb exploded here once. Oh, fond first year memories

B03/Bon Marche Student Lounge Hipsters hanging out and Vertigo editors begging for submissions

BROADWAY

HAYMARKET

HARRIS STREE T

THOMAS STREET

B01 TOWER

ALUMNI GREEN

B04

Q U AY

S T REE

T

JONES STREE T

B10

B05

B02 B03

B06 LIBRARY

BRO

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ADW

AY

ULTIMO ROAD

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STREET STYLE

A POX ON POP CULTURE

UTS IS FULL OF STYLISH STUDENTS. ZARA SELMAN SHARES THE BEST OF THE BEST.

JOSH

TRACEY

JAKE & ZOE

ALEX JOHNSON TAKES AIM AT THE QUEEN OF REALITY TELEVISION IN THE WAKE OF THE IMPENDING KIMYE BABY, I HAVE BEEN CONFRONTED BY KIM KARDASHIAN’S FACE ON THE COVER OF EVERY TRASHY MAGAZINE I PICK UP. HAVING A KARDASHIAN ON THE COVER OF YOUR GLOSSY IS NOT AN UNUSUAL STATE OF AFFAIRS, BUT THE RECENT SATURATION HAS REALLY HIGHLIGHTED THE INNER CONFLICT I FEEL WHENEVER I LOOK AT KIM K’S POUTY LITTLE MUG.

By now we’re all familiar with Kimmy’s rise to fame. She made a really awkward sex tape with Ray J. Like even more awkward and boring than Paris Hilton’s sex tape. That tape was then leaked and bought by Vivid Entertainment who marketed it as Kim Kardashian: Superstar. Kim sued and eventually settled for $5 million. In the publicity storm that followed, the entire Kardashian family was signed on for their ridiculous reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The rest, as they say, is history. As a family, the Kardashians now rake in basquillions of dollars (that’s the official amount).

On one hand, I am all for the existence of Kim Kardashian. She suffered a massive betrayal that resulted in her being publicly humiliated, because unfortunately we still live in a world where the idea that a female public figure has a sex life is enough to stop everyone in their tracks. In spite of being totally vilified by the media, Kimmy managed to come out on top, make her millions and have a “kareer”. Which is awesome.

I want to love her for it. But I don’t. I just don’t. Every time she opens her mouth it’s like a vacuum. Here are some prime examples of the various stupid things she’s said to the media: “We never say the word ‘famous’ or ‘celebrity.’

It makes all of us feel uncomfortable.” – who is ‘us’, Kim? You famous celebrities?

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“I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour.

It might be the worst thing on the planet when women wear their foundation too light.” – The worst thing on the planet, Kim? Really? Sorry Syria.

“I swear, I would say my prayers at night hoping I would stop developing.” – Are you there, God? It’s me, Kim...

“We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She’s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.” – In my head, Kardashian says “Oh em gee! Same!”

With sound bites like that I just cannot, CANNOT like her, no matter how hard I try. Furthermore, the idea of her having a child with the world’s biggest ego, AKA Kanye West, is nothing short of terrifying. IMAGINE THE CHILD’S OPINION OF ITSELF! IMAGINE! If we don’t all collapse into a black hole of their collective narcissism then I will be thoroughly surprised.

So, how to resolve my inner conflict re: Kim Kardashian’s existence? If she could shut the fuck up and just be some sassy millionaire lady who had the balls to overcome unnecessary media vilification, that’d be great.

We spotted this stylish young gent across the Concourse and knew we had to get a snap of him (okay, that’s a lie – he’s our friend, but it was the holidays and no one’s around). Josh is a third year Communication / International Studies student who despite having a tight student’s budget, manages to look super fly by shopping at vintage stores and op shops. He’s got that indie bohemian look going on – very Sienna Miller circa 2004 meets, well, a dude. We are loving the layering – particularly his skill at mixing various tones of maroon – as well as that gorgeous little arm party he’s got going on (see: Man Repeller). On point, Josh, on point!

Upon first glance you would think Tracey was a design student given her gorgeously constructed outfit.

Think again, my darling fashofiles - Tracey’s a business student (cue audible gasp, no offence guys)!

Mixing classic basics and market finds, she manages to look super stylish and feminine whilst drudging away at summer school. How does she do it?! Let’s recap the outfit highlights – flirty little mustard shorts that fit her like a dream, a ‘90sgrunge-eqsue belt to emphasise that tiny waist, and last but not least, the best accessory a gal can have: a perfect smize (for the unenlightened, that’s when you smile with your eyes and mouth– don’t you guys watch America’s Next Top Model?). Holla girlfriend!

STRE E T ST YL E

And now for something completely different - a street style couple shot! Jake and Zoe are both Health students and living proof that chic comes in pairs (see: Kimye / Isabel Marant sneakers). Jake’s got that relaxed, quasi-nautical thing going on, which I’m sure was inspired by Chanel’s 2010 Cruise collection (#totesamaze). Meanwhile, his lovely lady friend has taken a more classic approach with a flowing black maxi, a must-have staple in any girl’s wardrobe. Zoe has really taken her outfit to the next level by pairing her maxi with an exotic statement necklace ( which we all know is so now right now) and a tan satchel (a reference to Celine perhaps?).

Two snaps in a circle guys!

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ROADTEST: ONLINE DATING EVERY ISSUE WE’LL ROADTEST SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT. THIS MONTH NAOMI RUSSO TRIES ONLINE DATING.

MISSION: To find true love online, for free!

I’m cynical, but this is cheaper than heading to a bar and I get to stay in my dressing gown. I don’t intend on going any dates; I just want to see what the internet has to offer, other than cats and ads.

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SINGLESWHOCLICK SinglesWhoClick seemed fair enough at the start, aside from the stupid name.

It was easy to sign up and the questions weren’t too intrusive. However once I started viewing matches, I became a little hesitant. Members favoured usernames that included the words “horny” or “2sexcy.” “Hello can I show you something” was a particularly alarming opening line by a ‘match’ whose chest was so shiny I had to turn down the brightness on my screen. My best match was a man who’d recently self-published a book but could not spell.

Hours wasted: 45 minutes (I was too depressed to stay on any longer).

Matches: 0 (Perhaps the older categories have more to offer, but the 20-30 range was less appealing than a Jersey Shore reunion)

CHATRANDOM ChatRandom has replaced ChatRoulette as the number one site to do just about everything your mother ever told you not to. Strict new rules have made ChatRoulette lamer than Myspace.

Thankfully Chatrandom has saved the day. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. On ChatRandom you just have to see a lot of old man penis before you see a face.

And then they’ll probably ask to see your tits as well.

Hours wasted: 2 (It’s addictive like watching a friend’s incredibly public break-up).

Matches: 0 (Had a few good conversations, most of which did, however, end in requests for nudity).

RSVP RSVP seemed fairly innocuous as I signed up, asking me simple questions and leaving room for a little creative exposition about myself. I pulled a blank. There is almost nothing to be said in an opening line, or the following ones for that matter, that isn’t boring, cheesy or downright creepy. I went with “Hi.” Maybe I’d find a person equally as lazy. I learnt that RSVP thinks my perfect match is someone well-read, tall and creative. Brilliant!

Except apparently all my matches were around 60, except for one 22 year old who claimed he was looking for “sexc tal gurls” (sic). I felt sick.

Hours wasted: 3.5 (More eye candy than an old people’s home. I couldn’t look away).

Matches: Several silver foxes who I cannot contact for fear that my grandmother may be friends with them.

OKCUPID OKCupid is the most thorough of all these sites. You can answer a plethora of questions that will allegedly find your perfect match. Some, such as those about children and religion, seemed legitimate. Others, such as “In a certain light, wouldn’t nuclear war be exciting?” seemed concerning, as did the option to make it mandatory that any match agree to sex on the first date. My first message from a so-called match was short, and to the point “Would you be interested in a contract marriage?” Not yet, buddy, not yet.

Hours spent: 3 (The questions were addictive).

Matches: 0, but 1 potential contract marriage if writing doesn’t work out.

Result: In the end I struggled with the idea of a formulaic match. I don’t like it when people want a ‘boyfriend’ rather than wanting a specific person. That being said, I won’t be deleting my accounts— the creepy messages and ‘kisses’ do make a nice break from emails about work deadlines and penis enlargements.

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SHOWCASE Alison Whittaker

1. Three Graves and a Rising Moon Three graves by a rising moon, white hot in the sinking sun, but the freckled moon won’t weep today, he cracks a crescent smile and Nan says it means the rain will pour out of him.

It’s too fucking humid for that today.

Like shrines, with solar lights, lay the sentinel bodies while fake roses yearn for heaven and the bleaching wash of a lemon sun.

3. Great Nan and Pop Mabb The ground has sunk a couple of centimetres since they were put down there and Uncle Terry tripped over, twisted his ankle and tried to sue a couple deep in sleep in boxes who can’t even graze their fingers together, hers black from a catastrophic stroke his gnarled from a life of slitting cow’s throats.

And when we come to see their grave, Mum makes me pick off my nail polish or clasp my hands behind my back so Great Nan Mabb don’t think I’m sassing her or her passing.

You can trace the bike tracks round the grave with your pinky.

They radiate round town and take dirt from her grave to the lives she touched who come here to mourn the strength of a woman whose home brew landed us in hospital, whose cheese started an outbreak of listeria, who’d tickle me until I pissed myself then offer me her adult diapers.

4. Agony Aunt There is no dirt in Gunnedah

2. Pop

sufficient to hold her body down.

Always floating toward the ceiling

They dug him a metre deeper and put a blank slate beside his picture where Nan waits, cleaning the rock with sugar soap to join him in the ground.

He had a summer funeral and we all wore short skirts and I could hear him whisper skanks as the ribbons wound him down.

And when Cousin Courtney put a soft-serve on his coffin we heard Nan yell through tears He’s lactose intolerant, you cunt!

I kiss his picture and hope wherever he is now that he doesn’t have diarrhea for days when he eats a square of cheese.

in celestial white hospital sheets for fifteen years, floating in an ocean of her own filth.

The grass won’t grow over the road base they used instead and the white stencilled cross makes you wither with her scowl.

Her forget-me-not fake lilies howl don’t you fuckin’ forget me or forget to feed my dog!

(But how could we forget when her son recorded the funeral and tagged us all on Facebook).

When her husband collapsed with grief and the ambulance came Cousin Caitlyn started having contractions.

And two days later, when the lemon sun began to melt her grave’s tar I was sent a photo of her first great-grandchild swaddled in an orange blanket, his scalp white like the crescent moon.

Where three graves watch on hot and sinking by a rising moon.

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F

{

ANITA BATH INVESTIGATES

for having been nice to gay people. Fear him!”

The union representing the construction workers, CFMEU, has released a statement saying they’re “fairly certain the crane collapse was not a sign of a biblical apocalypse.”

Instead, the union suggests it was the fault of the poor work practices of LendLease – the company operating the crane. The Westboro protesters dismissed CFMEU’s view as “satanic.” Leaders of Sydney’s Christian communities have universally condemned the protests as “misguided” and “bizarre”.

The Australian Christian Lobby has released a statement saying the Westboro Baptist Church “operates out of a level of paranoid homophobia

CRANE

PICKETS

{

olice and animal rights activists are investigating reports of a university magazine editor flogging a dead horse in recent articles that tried vainly to milk more jokes out of the UTS crane collapse. Constable Carlin of the New South Wales Humour Investigation Squad has called for any witnesses of the horse flogging incident to contact them immediately. “This practice is cruel and should be stopped. The dignity of all parties involved is at stake here,” Constable Carlin said. “All the jokes worth making about the UTS crane collapse were tweeted on the day. Memes were made; we all had our fun.

Any further attempts to execute wit or humour about the incident may only occur in the context of nostalgia, of which this is in clear violation of. We strongly condemn this violent and poorly executed act of horse flogging.” The act of flogging a dead horse has drawn considerable wrath from the activist group, PETA. Protesters have set up camp outside the magazine’s office, staging a demonstration that consists mainly of scantily clad activists whipping each other in a quasi-sexual way. The editors could not be reached for comment.

that even we’re not really all that comfortable with”. All political parties, with the exception of the Katter Australia Party, have condemned the protest. The picket ended barely two hours after it began as protesters dispersed and returned to the group’s headquarters in Topeka, Kansas, the sad little place that produced such awful people.

We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire.

In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.

In an exclusive and entirely fictional interview with Defamer, Frank Gehry, celebrity architect and the designer of the new UTS Chau Chak Building, has confirmed that he was inspired by a dump he once took. “It was around 2010, very soon after first being approached by UTS to design their new business school, when I woke up thinking about the ways in which contrasting textures can have such a startling effect on the aesthetic of an urban environment.” “I was getting nowhere until I took my regular mid-morning dump, I looked down and was inspired by the arrangement in the bottom of my toilet bowl. I ran straight to my studio and began sketching, and by the end of the week I had my basic design for the new building.” In the interview, Gehry also mentioned a creative conflict with the UTS board over the original design, a conflict that has been confirmed by university sources. The original design was rebuked by the university’s administration on the basis that it “looked too much like a poo”. “I feel like we reached a healthy compromise on the final design” the architect told this newspaper, “The building remains as texturally interesting as I wanted, and is less faecal, as per the university’s demands.” Asked if he is currently designing any other buildings based on his bodily functions, Gehry confirmed that he is currently in the finishing stages of a design for a block of apartments; the building looks similar to his collection of naval fluff.

DU M P” YURI NATER WRITES

“INSPIRED BY

F R A N K G E H RY

resh from protesting the funerals of American soldiers and the victims of mass shootings, controversial religious group, the Westboro Baptist Church, have picketed the site of the UTS crane collapse. The group was allegedly warning people of what they claimed to be an “impending apocalypse” caused purely by the fact that gay people exist and people are nice to them. Brandishing large placards that read “God Hates Cranes” the small group of protesters stood across the road from the site where the crane collapsed and heckled the construction crew that were working. The protesters shouted that the construction workers were “doing Satan’s work” by removing the wreckage of the crane. A spokesperson for the group responded to media questions by angrily shouting passages from the Book of Revelation while shaking her fist at the crane. “The crane is a symbol of your eternal damnation,” the spokesperson said. “It is an omen of your coming judgement before God

HUGH JASS REPORTS

EXCLUSIVE

WESTBORO BAPTIST CHuRCH

Just like the Daily Telegraph, only crunchy.

Defamer

the

IN A STATE OF

Hermitude

AHEAD OF THEIR UTS DEBUT, HERMITUDE’S ANGUS ‘ELGUSTO’ STUART AND ‘DUBS’ DUBBER CHAT TO GRETA BALOG.

Angus ‘Elgusto’ Stuart and Luke ‘Dubs’ Dubber of Australian shortlisted for the Australian Music Prize along with Flume, Tame Impala, The Presets and others. hip hop duo Hermitude didn’t expect sell out shows when Hermitude joined the local hip hop scene in 2000 with they announced their national tour, The Villain. And now, the launch of their vinyl-only EP, Imaginary Friends. The with only six weeks until the tour kicks off, the pair have esoteric vibe of the record had the band putting their most announced even more shows around the country. interesting foot forward and is now a sough-after “There’s been such a great response to this tour,” Stuart tells Vertigo. “We’ve just been kind of overwhelmed with collector’s item.

“We grew up in the Blue Mountains and when we the reception of these tour dates.” started writing this type of music we basically locked ourselves “Originally it was one show in each city, but Sydney away in a studio,” Stuart explains. “It was in the bush and and Melbourne, the ticket sales were so amazing. The first isolated and we were kind of just in a state of Hermitude.” show sold out about six weeks from the actual show so we Stuart and Dubber enjoy a broad range of musical styles thought we’re just going to have to add more shows.”

As well as playing three shows at Oxford Art Factory, and love traveling the world within their music. Early on in Hermitude is performing at UTS’ O’ Week event, O’ Fest. their career, the boys stretched their horizons, dabbling in But according to Stuart, this is just the Cuban beats and oriental undertones. beginning of another year that will “When I was about fifteen, I went to hopefully be as chaotic and successful Cuba with my father and we spent “WE GREW UP IN THE BLUE as 2012. about a month in Havana studying MOUNTAINS AND WHEN WE STARTED Last year, indie radio station FBi percussion over there,” Stuart tells WRITING THIS TYPE OF MUSIC WE named Hermitude their most played Vertigo. “Nightfall’s Messenger came BASICALLY LOCKED OUTSELVES AWAY artist of 2012, following the release of from a Japanese record and yeah, we just IN A STUDIO”...”IT WAS IN THE BUSH critically acclaimed record, Hyperparadise. like to keep our ears open and we’re They even managed to land the 18th AND ISOLATED AND WE WERE KIND OF into a lot of different styles and this JUST IN A STATE OF HERMITUDE.” spot in Triple J’s Hottest 100. Now just comes through in the music when unless you’ve been living under a soundyou make it.”Over the years, proof rock for the past few months, you Hermitude has graced the stages would know that electro artist, Flume, who was dubbed of music festivals like Groovin’ the Moo, Woodford Folk one of the breakout stars of 2012, remixed the title track. Festival, Homebake and Rhythm and Alps (NZ).

“His version is awesome and it just took off and became “One of our favourites was Woodford Festival up in a massive song,” says Stuart.

Queensland. It’s just such a great vibe up there. Also Over the past year, Dubs and Elgusto have also received Groovin’ the Moo Festival was so fun ‘cause we got to a range of nominations and awards. Hyperparadise won go to all the regional places we don’t normally get to go Best Independent Dance/Electronic album at the Australian to… [and] they really look after you as well. Also there’s Independent Records Association Awards (AIR) and the duo a festival in Berlin called Fusion Festival that we played at won Best Live Music Act at FBi Radio’s Sydney Music, Arts last year, which was just insane. It was really cool. In Perth & Culture Awards (SMAC). More recently, the duo has been we played over New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Eve is my

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HERMITUDE ARE PLAYING AT O’FEST ON FEBRUARY 22 birthday so I got sung ‘Happy Birthday’ by about 5000 people.”

In the studio, the pair work relentlessly on their material.

Being multi-instrumentalists, they have the advantage of being able to share the music-making process.

“It’s pretty equal. We generally write together all the time.

We have a studio in Leichhardt and we just come in every day and we sit down and look at each other and go ‘what do we want to write today?’ and maybe I’ll kick out a beat and Dubs will start twinklin’ on some synthesisers and we’ll just go from there. We do a lot of everything.”

Along with creating their own innovative material, Hermitude have collaborated with the likes of electronic duo, The Presets, and hip hop MC, Urthboy.

“Doing The Presets remix was really fun. ‘Ghost Track’ is an awesome song in itself. Having someone’s music in the palm of your hands is a privilege. It’s kind of like being given a gem of a song and being able to sort of put your own tastes and little styles into it. That was a really fun experience doing that and we really like their stuff. So it was really cool for us to be able to take one of their songs and rearrange it.”

“Working with Urthboy is always really great.

We’ve worked with him for a long time and doing the Smokey’s Haunt album with him was really fun.

We went down to Melbourne and we all sacked up in Bounce’s Studio and we just had a whole bunch of sessions where we just wrote heaps of ideas and then we took all those ideas and pushed them out over a number of months. We just love working with Tim [Urthboy]. It’s really nice to work with a rapper and stuff. Hermitude’s all instrumental so it was fun for us to work with a vocalist.”

According to Stuart, having good influences is one thing, but creating a groove of your own is another.

“I think a really good thing to do is to try develop your own sound. So obviously you take influence from different artists and everything but one of the best steps you can take, I think, is to develop your own thing because in the end that’s what is going to set you apart from everyone else and make you unique.”

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to take two years into its life. ”But with UTS being a newly created university that was itself a consortium of educational institutes, it had very little to lose compared to its sandstone competitors. That, together with Guthrie’s dedication to creating a unified and progressive educational institution, is perhaps why the Old UTS’ merger with the two aforementioned CAEs has been widely considered to be the most successful in the country during the Dawkins reforms.

Deputy Lord Mayor of Sydney, Robyn Kemmis, who was appointed by Guthrie as Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Administration in 1991, worked with him closely during his formative years of UTS until his retirement in 1996.

Kemmis says, “Gus was the one who undertook fairly adventurous forays into strategic planning. He developed long-term plans for the university. He developed UTS 2015 and that was really forward-thinking not only for UTS, but universities in general.”

Perhaps Gus knew all along that the merger was beneficial for UTS. UTS awarded him an honorary doctorate when he retired as ViceChancellor. The citation for Guthrie’s honorary award says the success of UTS, “is due in no small measure to the consultation approach which Professor Guthrie instituted to effect both the amalgamation and the major structural change which he initiated at that time.” Guthrie continued to build a university that has become renowned for its industry connections, research centres and its heavily practice-orientated teaching.

Kemmis says Guthrie’s long-term strategic plan, together with the strong, progressive ethos of UTS has been instrumental in the shaping of UTS as a modern university. “I wrote to Gus when he first heard of his illness and I said I had very fulsome memories of those days of working with him. We made lots of changes and we were really pleased with what happened. I said to Gus he must be very proud of what he’s achieved and he certainly made us very proud.”

TAWAR RAZAGHI MOURNS THE PASSING OF UTS’ FOUNDING VICE-CHANCELLOR

PROFESSOR ROY GUTHRIE THE LIFE OF

A

s the UTS community welcomes new and existing students back from the long seasonal break, it will also be farewelling, with great sorrow, the university’s founding Vice-Chancellor Emeritus Professor Roy David Guthrie. Professor Guthrie, aged 78, lost his battle to acute myloid leukemia on 12 January 2013 after being diagnosed in June last year. Known to many as Gus, UTS will best remember him for his instrumental role in creating the university that we know today — a role that perhaps seems at odds with his background in science, having completed a PhD in organic chemistry in 1958 and Doctor of Science in 1968. Acting Vice-Chancellor Professor David Booth says, “Gus will be remembered for lifting the New South Wales Institute of Technology (NSWIT) to a teaching and research university, and for cementing the strong reputation UTS has as a practice-orientated institution.”

The Institute was established in 1964 and over two decades came to comprise of various faculties such as Business and Law. In 1986, Guthrie was appointed as president of NSWIT and worked tirelessly over the next year to convince the government that the institution should be transformed into a university. On 8 October 1987, NSWIT was officially granted university status and in the same year the University of Technology, Sydney, Act 1987 was passed, with Professor Roy David Guthrie appointed as ViceChancellor. As Vice-Chancellor, Guthrie decided to create UTS (effective 26 January 1988), a day before the School of Design at the Sydney College of the Arts merged with the organisation. The move was nothing short of brazen and is demonstrative of his strong leadership.

Guthrie once again utilised these strong, personal attributes when establishing the foundations for the burgeoning university. Important reforms were incrementally phased in, such as consolidating the different institutions under a unified organisational structure and

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establishing consistent approaches to teaching, learning and research. It was that passion and strong belief in higher education, Booth says, “that drove him to try and produce a first class institution. I think it’s reasonable to say while a lot has been achieved since Guthrie was Vice-Chancellor by the next two Vice-Chancellors, he laid a lot of the foundations that made that possible.” However, UTS had barely completed its transition into a tertiary institution when it faced another series of governmental challenges, this time under the guise of the Dawkins reforms enacted by the Keating government.

The reforms dictated that all Centres for Advanced Education (CAE), which were the more vocational-orientated educational institutions at the time, merge into universities.

Furthermore, the reforms introduced income contingent loans for tuition fees through the HECS scheme and the now well-known, and high revenue-generating, notion of full-fee paying international students. Such policies were met with much criticism, in particular from the Group of Eight, as they were seen to mix the oil of the universities with the water of the CAEs. Additionally the reforms were thought to be an attempt to reduce public funding of universities, instead replacing it with market models of payment.

Guthrie utilised his exceptional abilities once more and negotiated the merger of ‘Old UTS’ with the Kuring-gai College of Advanced Education and the Institute of Technical and Adult Teacher Education of the Sydney College of Advance Education. It is this amalgamation of institutions that became the ‘New UTS’ on 1 January 1990, which is UTS in its current incarnation. Booth says, “Gus worked very hard at the process of getting NSWIT made into a university in 1988 and he played a key role in that with the state government and then laid the solid foundation in the first key period of the university’s formation including the very tricky activities of the merger in 1990 with Kuringgai College. It was quite a step for a brand new university PHOTOGRAPH PROVIDED BY SHERRAN EVANS

IT IS WITH SADNESS, BUT ALSO GREAT THANKS, THAT UTS MUST FAREWELL PROFESSOR GUTHRIE, WHO MADE SO MANY MEANINGFUL CONTRIBUTIONS TO UTS.

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IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? BOOK

GRACE: A MEMOIR

FILM

LES MISÉRABLES

Were it not for the 2009 film The September Issue, the world might have never known the creative zeitgeist that is Grace Coddington. A mainstay of the fashion world for several decades now, she’s the quieter, lesser-known companion to the stony-faced Anna Wintour and exuberant Andre Leon Talley. Readers may want to prepare themselves for no-holdsbarred insight into the world of a Vogue fashion editor.

However, if you pick up this book with the expectation that it’ll be a The Devil Wears Prada-esque, spare-no-gory -details tale of what it’s like to work with some of the fashion industry’s greats then you’ll be sorely disappointed. Coddington is somewhat reserved in recounting her story and you sense that she’s self-censoring or holding back the dirty details.

Perhaps because of this, Coddington is a very likeable character and all the more accessible; she refuses to fit into the archetypal fashion maven stereotype of being cut-throat.

Despite her guardedness, the memoir isn’t lacking in heart. There are many tender moments particularly with regard to the solid friendships cultivated over the course of her decades-long career. The name-dropping is eye-watering at times: Karl Lagerfeld, Lord Snowdon, Calvin Klein, Helmut Newton, David Bailey, etc. The book serves as a glorious history of the last 50 years in fashion, a veritable who’s who list. The stories about shooting her famous ‘travelogues’ are definite highlights.

Ultimately, the book is a beautifully crafted memoir that captures the essence of Coddington’s personality with its whimsical prose and charming hand-drawn illustrations— expect lots and lots of cats and hilarious caricatures. A must read if you’ve ever picked up a copy of Vogue or know who Azzendine Alaia is, or if you just generally want an insight into a brilliant, creative mind.

Les Misérables is a melodramatic, romantic interpretation of the much-loved musical (which was adapted from the novel by Victor Hugo), and possibly the most hyped-up film of the 2012 Oscar season. Director Tom Hooper takes full advantage of his all-star cast, indulging in lingering close-up shots and dramatic pauses.

Set in 19th century Paris, Les Misérables follows former prisoner Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) as he spends decades on the run after breaking parole. He chooses to lead a pious life and promises factory worker Fantine (Anne Hathaway) that he will care for her child, Cosette. Years later, Valjean and the now grown Cosette (Amanda Seyfried) are living in seclusion in Paris, where she falls in love with a young revolutionary, Marius (Eddie Redmayne).

Jackman, as Jean Valjean, utilises masculine delivery and sentimental vocals. He is almost unrecognisable in the early prison scene and his many transformations over time are a testament to his acting talent. Russell Crowe, despite being wincingly off-pitch and hinting at an Australian accent, illuminates the harshness of Valjean’s nemesis, Javert, and the villainy of the French authorities.

Operatic and grandiose, this is not a relaxing film to watch.

Hathaway’s iconic performance of ‘I Dreamed a Dream’ is heart-wrenching. Despite the gloom, however, the screen is forever being filled with action — gunshots, wailing women, horses and even an elephant. Ultimately, the sheer spectacle of the picture triumphs over the utter destitution of the miserable French.

Les Misérables is a reminder that cinema has the power to recreate history with the emotional intensity of a full-scale stage production. When you have actors singing out of the studio and centuries of events to cover, it’s a mammoth task.

- ZARA SELMAN

- ANTIGONE ANAGNOSTELLIS

MUSIC

HOLIDAY - JACKIE ONASSIS The summer break may have come and gone, but there’s still a chance to relive the searing heat and blissful freedom of the holidays via hip hop group Jackie Onassis’ hit debut EP, Holiday. The Sydney-based duo is the latest group to join One Day Crew: a hip hop collective from the Inner West.

With tunes as smooth and classy as their eponym (Jackie Onassis was the wife of JFK), it’s easy to see how the duo will be fitting into the One Day Crew family.

Holiday kicks off its mellow and easy-going tone with ‘Smoke Trails’, a song custom-made for lazy days by the sea and lazier ones beneath the air-con. The crowd-pleasing rhythms and horn samples of the title track ‘Holiday’, featuring fellow One Day Crew members Spit Syndicate, are catchy and bound to stick in your head. Lyricist Kai Tan draws heavily on his experiences, creating an honest intimacy that is often absent in the hip-hop scene.

Notably, the emotionally dense ‘It Goes’ melds tales of unconventional relationships with hypnotic synthesizer.

Meanwhile, ‘Outro’ plays the album out with some sweet instrumental beats from producer Raph Dixon, hinting at some real electronic work in the future for Jackie Onassis.

As with Melbourne’s Illy, with whom Jackie Onassis toured recently, there’s a definite Gen-Y vibe to the EP; the themes of relationships and adolescence feature heavily in all eight tracks. If you’re familiar with the Inner West hip hop scene, or are looking to hold on to that 30°C lethargy, the EP is available for free download on their website. So check out Holiday for some fresh, local sounds.

- KIERAN BOYD

THEATRE

MILK-MILK-LEMONADE Nowadays the stage and screen are filled with stories of gay boys coming to terms with their sexual identity. But New Theatre’s MilkMilkLemonade doesn’t pretend to be another epic coming-of-age tale. Instead, it’s a light-hearted but tender play that illuminates the troubles of a boy on his journey through adolescence.

MilkMilkLemonade is one of many Mardi Gras arts events.

Originally written by upcoming playwright Joshua Conkel, this is the first time the play has been performed in Australia.

At the centre of the play is Emory: an 11-year-old boy stuck living on his Grandma’s chicken farm in rural America.

Emory has starry dreams of becoming a ribbon dancer on a talent search TV show, but his dreams are dashed by the ‘wise’ words of his Grandma. With the help of his best friend, a giant, depressed chicken, and a lustful boy who lives down the road, Emory grapples with growing up gay and has his first encounter with death.

The cast work well together, each actor bringing a unique energy to the stage. Pete Nettell in particular does an excellent job embodying Emory’s aging, ill and intolerant Grandma, filling the role with both truth and comedy.

Antoinette Barnouttis’ synthetic set, with its AstroTurf and stuffed model chickens, compliments the drama and the concepts behind the work.

Punctuated by dance numbers and a stand-up comedy routine, there are some great moments in this play. However some of the darker themes of the play, including bullying and domestic violence, were glossed over, which unfortunately impacted somewhat upon the character’s development.

MilkMilkLemonade is good for a laugh and, despite a slow start, develops into an engaging and entertaining play.

- LACHLAN BENNETT

IT’S VALENTINE’S DAY MONTH: A PERFECT TIME FOR ASTROLOGIST SALLY COLEMAN TO DISH OUT SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

AQUARIUS 20 Jan – 18 Feb

The celestial magnetism of your recent birthday, in combination with your incredible sex appeal, will create a powerful karmic vortex around you this month. Don’t be alarmed by the increasingly perverted letters you receive or that guy who sits next to you in all your tutes (but isn’t enrolled in any of them).

PISCES 18 Feb- 20 March

Pisces are highly empathetic which means that the pangs of an unrequited crush can be difficult to bear. But with your destiny planet, the moon, entering the fifth house, the use of reverse psychology is sure to be a winner. Try telling your crush that they smell bad, or scoff at their taste in music.

ARIES 20 March– 19 April

Whatever you do Aries, don’t make eye contact with any Gemini students. It’s got something to do with Jupiter and ascendant stars on ecliptic planes, but just trust me on this one. P.S. I’d also like to point out that Uranus is your ‘friendship planet’. That explains a lot.

20 May – 21 June

The spectre of Saturn lurking around Midheaven makes communicating impossible for Gemini this month, so try hypnotising that attractive Aries in your lecture instead. First, subtly make eye contact, then widen your eyes and lift your eyebrows dramatically. The yell “YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL!” They’ll be in your arms faster than the lecturer can say “Can you please leave?!”

Time to put the ‘score’ in Scorpio. An examination of both the heavens and astrology.com.au tells me that your lucky fragrances are cinnamon, pine, lime and black pepper. Try concocting a spicy, citrus-fresh perfume and wearing it around your crush. But be careful – you wouldn’t want a whiff of such a potent brew sneaking up the wrong nostrils!

LEO

SAGIT TARIUS 22 Nov – 21 Dec

If you didn’t have a Valentine, everyone knows that your “Loving the single life!” act is just a façade to draw attention away from those desperate nights spent on Facebook chat with your ex from Year 7. If you did have a Valentine (though Saturn tells me otherwise) then you both know that you could do better.

VIRGO

CAPRICORN 21 Dec – 20 Jan

Unfortunately, when it comes to the bedroom, not all Virgos are able to achieve the stiff standards they set themselves. An inability to rise to the challenge often upsets you, but don’t worry - just shove some rose quartz and pink tourmaline down your pants instead. Should fix that problem right up!

LIBRA 22 Sept – 23 Oct

Face it, your first name sucks. I don’t know what your parents were thinking, but lucky for you, Mars is cruising right through the prime vertical now, which means that it’s the perfect time for change! If you’re stuck for ideas, consider one of the following: Eugene, Esmeralda, Clifford, Hermione or Sally.

THE VERTIGO EDITORS ARE UGLY CRIERS

Nobody actually likes someone who claims to be ‘an individual’. It’s time to get a haircut, a boring partner and start pretending to be unique in the same way as everyone else. If you’re in a relationship already, stop making it look so functional. It creeps people out.

22 Aug – 22 Sept

TAURUS

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SCORPIO 23 Oct – 22 Nov

22 July – 22 Aug

19 April – 20 May

This is no joke; the ‘zodiac facts’ on astrology.com.au describe Taurus as “fixed, fruitful, feminine and moist”.

Excess moisture has always been a chronic disposition for you, but it’s definitely a moist month ahead for poor Taureans. Just don’t let that put a dampener on your first few weeks.

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GEMINI

You’re ridiculously good-looking, generous, intelligent, sympathetic and extremely modest, but this month has even better things in store for you. Mercury is conveniently paired with Neptune, so you won’t get that awkward thing at night where you’re too hot under the doona but your feet get cold when you stick them out. Have a great month, you sexy beast!

IMAGE OWNED BY SHOWTIME

Submit to Vertigo to save their tears. submissions@utsvertigo.com

*Horoscopes are a leading form of cancer. To minimise risk for our readers, and in compliance with Cancer Council NSW guidelines, we have made an editorial decision to eliminate all forms of preventable cancer from this article.

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BORED STUPID?!

EASY

SA REPORTS

LYNDAL BUTLER PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENT ASSOCIATION Hey there and welcome to UTS! And if this isn’t your first year, welcome back. I hope you had a great break and you are ready to jump right into the new semester.

My name is Lyndal Butler and I’m the President of the UTS Students’ Association for 2013. The Students’ Association is your student union on campus. We’re run entirely by students for students and are here to stand up for your rights and welfare at UTS.

We have two main arms: services and representation.

HARD

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Our services include things like the award-winning Bluebird Brekkie Bar, our free weekly breakfast, and the Secondhand Bookshop, which provides cheaper textbooks on campus.

It also includes our casework and advocacy service where you can seek free advice and advocacy in matters of university exclusion, mark appeals and special consideration for exams.

The Students’ Association also represents UTS students. It is run by the UTS Student Representative Council (SRC), which is elected by the student body at the end of each year. The SRC represents the interests of students and looks after the day to day running of the Students’ Association. You can contact members of your SRC with concerns about education quality and accessibility at UTS at our office on Level 3 of the Tower. Alternatively, you can speak to the President of the SRC (i.e. me) via email.

We also facilitate a number of student collectives.

Collectives are groups of students who organise themselves

around a common issue to achieve common goals. They have a non-hierarchical structure, so all members get an equal say in how the collective runs and what it works on. For example, the Environment Collective is a group of students who are passionate about environmental issues. They organise campaigns and events to encourage environmental sustainability at UTS and beyond.

You also may be wondering what we have to do with Vertigo. Vertigo is UTS’ only student-run magazine. It’s edited by a team of students who were elected by the student body, and it is produced by the Student’s Association. Vertigo is the vessel for your student voice on campus. No matter what you study or what year you are in, you’re welcome to submit writing and artwork all year round.

You’ll be hearing from me, as well as the Students’ Association Education Vice President, Lucy Bonanno, in each issue of Vertigo this year. We will have reports in each edition to keep you updated on the campaigns and events in which we’ve been involved, as well as info about how you can get in on the action.

It’s important to remember that your university experience is what you make it. The Students’ Association is here to connect you with people who have similar interests, to share your passion for different causes, and to help fight for your rights at uni. Come and see us and we’ll help you find your feet at UTS!

E-MAIL: sapresident2013@uts.edu.au

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SA REPORTS

LUCY BONANNO EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Are you flipping through Vertigo, desperately trying to look calm, collected and cool before your first ever lecture?

Or are you frantically trying to look busy hoping that your ex/dick ‘friend’/really awful lab partner doesn’t come anywhere near you?

Never mind your reasons — what’s important is that you’re reading this. So while I’ve got your attention, there’s some stuff you should know. First off, there’s a new Students’ Association Handbook this year produced by yours truly and the UTSSA Education department. It’s pretty cool, you know, not that I’m biased *cough*. But really, the Handbook contains great info about the Students’ Association, and what’s on around campus, plus loads of interesting articles.

Also (please hear me out), it’s an election year. I know for most of us, myself included, politics has been particularly uninspiring as of late, but it IS important, especially for students. Abbott is threatening to deregulate university fees, which could potentially lead to HECS increases and the loss of the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF). You need to know what this means for not only you, but for tertiary education in this country.

As the Education Vice President this year, I will be working with Adwoa Humphries, our Welfare officer, to run many campaigns on campus about these issues. UTS will ALSO be participating in the National Union of Students’ National Day of Action where universities Australia-wide protest the big issues, including things like course cuts.

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Maybe you’ve heard about them? Last year Sydney Uni and La Trobe Uni ran massive campaigns about it. Well here at UTS, it’s our tutors that are suffering. Many of our tutors have been put on casual contracts and this means they are not entitled sick leave and holiday leave. To combat this, the Students’ Association will again be running the ‘Quality is not a casual matter’ campaign (after the success we had last year in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences).

And our campaigns do matter. Chris Evans, Minister for Tertiary Education, came to visit UTS to speak to students about Youth Allowance and accessible education during the summer break. I suppose it’s politically advantageous to visit students when students aren’t actually around. I did mention this to one of his team, but I got no more than an awkward laugh and a swift segue.

If any of this has inspired you to slap a politician in the face with a trout and tell them how they should be running the place, perhaps you’d like to get involved. If so, email me or come around to the Students’ Association on Level 3 of the Tower. I’d be more than happy to accompany you to the fish market.

P.S. Pro tip: if you are that awkward kid sitting out the front of the Chemistry 1 lecture worried about making friends (that was totally me) USE YOUR WORDS.

EMAIL: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com