Issue Four - 2013

EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story

CONTRIBUTORS Kieran Boyd Caroline Connaire Gabrielle Craven Liam Shand Egan Liam Engel Sage Fitzpatrick The Graduate Max Grieve James Haydon Alex Johnson

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Mark Outridge

CONTENTS

ART & DESIGN Minh Bui Sunyoung Hwang Catherine Lao ADVERTISING Stephanie King COVER IMAGE Laurren BranniganOnato

Haein Kim Stephanie King Edward Lyons Lewis Miles Samuel Millsom Toby Pettigrew Angelo Risso James Wilson Andy Zephyr

14

ANY LAST WORDS?

4 5 6 8 10 12 13 16 17 18

OUR THANK YOUS Sexpo Australia Bad Boys Australia Hot tutors Essen Restaurant & Beer Café Strikers/protestors Facial hair Cute videos on YouTube Gin Pitch Perfect AND FUCK YOUS Hubert Foam parties Craig Emerson, Minister for Screwing Education Hickeys Andrew Bolt Miranda Devine George R.R. Martin Facial hair Lunarpages WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nasty organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.

22 24 25 26 28 30 32 34 35 38 39 40

20

DISAPPOINTMENT, DILDOS AND DERELICTS

36

FEATURE REVIEW: BLUESFEST

EDITORIAL CALENDAR UTS DEEPER INSIDER CHEESEBURGER POLITICS A THICK APOLITICAL SMOG GOING WITHOUT: CUTLERY SOAPBOX A RECIPE FOR PLASTIC-ENRICHED FISH THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: DEPRESSION SHOWCASE: HAEIN KIM UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY (YOU ACTUALLY WANT) SYDNEY A POX ON POP CULTURE: TWERK IT STREET STYLE ROADTEST: AVOIDING CHARITY FUNDRAISERS SHOWCASE: LIAM ENGEL DEFAMER HOW TO MAKE IT IN HIP HOP HIPSTER AUTHORS: COOKING WITH MURAKAMI IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? WIKISCOPES BORED STUPID?!

SA REPORTS

Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com.au for enquiries

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40 000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition of and compensation for past injustices.

EDITORIAL

H

i there ‘busy’ student, Welcome to the Gettin’ Busy edition.

Unfortunately for all of us, it’s getting to that time in the semester where you actually have to pull your finger out and do some work – or at least pretend to and hope for the best.

Feel free to sneak Vertigo between the pages of your textbook or check us out online (utsvertigo.com.au) during lectures.

Because everyone knows that looking busy is half the job.

Even though we are all at uni hoping to improve our chances of getting employment eventually (except you husband-hunting hotties that weird mum from Princeton was on about), that doesn’t mean we want to work right now. After all, work isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. After months of complaining about looking for work, our beloved Graduate struggles with the depression of actually having a job. And if you don’t want to work, how about twerk? We’ve got an article on that too – check out ‘Twerk It’ on page 24.

In similar news about undulating flesh, us Vertigo editors are also continuing to make good on our election promise of ‘more smut’ by sending Max Grieve to Sexpo, where he journeyed into the known, unknown, and things he didn’t want to know. Other students were sent to slightly more reputable events; we’ve got an article on the National Day of Action by Andy Zephyr.

Speaking of things around the Tower: are you scared of those clipboard holding charity collectors? We’ve roadtested the best ways to save the money you wanted to spend on something, anything else. Sam Millsom also got a little hip with a guide to writing hipster novels, and Edward Lyons got a little hip hop in an interview with Spit Syndicate.

So whether you’re working but don’t want to be, avoiding clipboard-armed charity collectors or giving yourself a break from that hipster novel you’re reading so people forgive you for that Spotify incident - Vertigo is here for you.

Until next time, Naomi and The Vertigo Team

C A L E ND AR W EEK 9 Monday 29th Apr 4th issue of Vertigo hits stands today

Tuesday 30th Apr Knitting 12pm @ UTS Library

W EEK 10 h

Monday 6t May Jaws 6:30pm @ Dendy Newtown

Friday 3rd May End of semester exam timetable comes out

Wednesday 8th May Henr y 4 7:30pm @ Sydney Opera House

W EEK 11

Tuesday 14th May Open Mic Poetry Night 7:0 0pm @ Sappho

Saturday 4th May Star Wars Day (“May the fourth be with you”) TEDx Sydney @ Opera House

Saturday 11th May Owl Eyes 8pm @ The Standard

Saturday 18th May Eurovision Song Contest Finals

Sunday 12th May Mother’s Day

Round She Goes: Preloved Fashion Market 10am @ Marrickville Town Hall

Sunday 19th May Sydney Half Marathon

Books

4/

/ ISSUE 4

ISSUE 4 /

/5

UTS DEEPER INSIDER WHEN NEWS (OR A CRANE) BREAKS, TURN TO PAGE 6 FOR ALL THE CAMPUS NEWS, GOSSIP, AND DOWNRIGHT SLANDER THAT’LL LAST A THREE-WEEK PRINT RUN.

FOLLOW THE MONEY: SSAF ALLOCATIONS On April 3, following a protracted and ‘delayed’ approval process, the Vice Chancellor’s office released the first Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) funding allocations for 2013-2015. This allowed the UTS Students’ Association (SA) to finalise its budget for the next three years.

Having asked for a 2013 budget of $1.8 million, the SA will receive $1.245 million in SSAF funding this year, $1.295 million in 2014, and $1.35 million in 2015. This year’s provision is a slight increase on last year’s budget of $1.2 million.

Overall, student departments were pleased with the result despite somewhat muddled negotiation stages. SA President, Lyndal Butler, expressed dismay over the lack of a formal negotiation process and the lateness of the agreement. “I was relieved to see that we had quite a similar budget allocation to last year, if not a small increase, but on the other hand I was quite dismayed that our funding agreement came so late, so in about April, whereas our planning for the year has to begin from the beginning of January.”

As Deeper Insider goes to print, the UTS Union is still awaiting finalisation of their SSAF funding allocation, which is expected to be much larger than the SA’s.

Students are required to pay a fee of $273 each year to help fund services like the Bluebird Brekkie Bar and the UTS Student Legal Centre. SSAF fees also go towards

maintaining societies and clubs, sporting A TALE OF TWO UNIS scholarships and campus discounts under the UTS Union. This money is controlled Prime Minister Julia Gillard’s trip to China by the university and is dispensed at their last month saw her standing over Vice discretion.

Chancellor Ross Milbourne’s shoulder as he signed a new UTS partnership agreement with the top-ranked Sun Yat-Sen University (SYSU).

The Key Technology Partner agreement with the Guangzhou institution is worth approximately $2 million over five years, UNIVERSITY FUNDING and will see the universities collaborate on IS GONSKI trans-institutional research, and increase The National Union of Students (NUS) opportunities for undergrad student held a snap rally on April 17 in response exchanges between the two nations. to the proposed $2.3 billion cuts to higher If any of this Chinese-Australian education announced by the federal education cooperation shtick sounds government to help pay for the Gonski familiar, that’s because the mark of UTS’ reforms. bankrolling billionaire/modern day patron At UTS the Students’ Association (SA) saint, Dr. Chau Chak Wing, is all over this organised a rally in front of the Tower agreement. building. The rally attracted a small crowd “This agreement builds on a of about 40 people, among them many relationship between UTS and SYSU over representatives from the National Tertiary many years, attributed in no small part to Education Union as well the Community the generosity and support of UTS’ key Public Service Union, which represents benefactor Dr. Chau Chak Wing,” said VC non-teaching staff at UTS. Milbourne.

Former SA president and current UTS has enjoyed a growing friendship president of the NUS, Jade Tyrell, told with the politically well connected the crowd that these cuts would have property developer for almost seven years, a disastrous effect on students, and thanks to his son’s attendance at UTS. Chau emphasised that, “the most disadvantaged poured $20 million into the Gehry building students in our system will be the worst off and $5 million into scholarships for Chinaunder these cuts”. bound students, but we haven’t been his Further action is planned, with NUS only beneficiaries- he’s also donated more advocating for a national student strike on than $2 million to Coalition and Labor May 14. coffers over the past decade.

BLOW YOUR WHISTLE, BABY, WHISTLE, BABY, LET US KNOW SEND YOUR OFF-THE-RECORD TIP OFFS TO FRANCES@UTSVERTIGO.COM.AU 6/

/ ISSUE 4

EBURGER POLITIC S E E S CH

least challenging, bland, sweet options of the policy world: as one side offers a Happy Meal, the other side offers, well, an Even Happier Meal. In the battle for the middle ground, both political sides fear, hide or eliminate the pickle.

In this stodgy middle ground no one dares to push the envelope. Legislation that shifts paradigms and challenges the status quo becomes less and less likely. Contextualising this, Penny Wong – the first openly gay cabinet minister in Australian history – at the time of the reshuffle came out against gay marriage because, as she puts it, “there is a cultural, religious and historical view that we have to respect”. Even if this were true, once upon a time the ‘cultural, religious and historical view’ was that women should not be members of parliament, Asians should not be allowed into Australia, and lesbians shouldn’t exist. What does it now take for a cabinet minister to speak out on a point of principle? To venture even a mild criticism of the party position?

wrong, since, as David Marr wrote, it was Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan who persuaded Rudd to dump the emissions trading scheme. And then, as we know, they dumped him.

Both instances were motivated not by principle, but the more important ‘P’ word: polls.

And yet, to begin with, Rudd’s promise was brave. The man who looked like a dentist was prepared to drill without painkillers. But then our ex-prime minister became very sensitive to the possibility of hitting nerves. With the support of his deputy and treasurer, political caution became his guiding light – why should we be first? Wouldn’t it be safer to wait until everyone else started to move in the same direction? Australia has a lot to lose from climate change, the stakes are high – high enough surely to justify taking some risk with innovative policy. Instead, Gillard’s cabinet eventually succumbed to a largely ineffective carbon tax in what Ross Gittins refers to as the “poor little Australia party”;

Similarly, Abbott’s conscious decision to expose his inner ‘softie’ by publicly supporting his lesbian sister on high rating television show, 60 Minutes, demonstrates the increasing reluctance to argue unpopular policy. This is particularly prominent in the lead up to an election, even when they have demonstrated prior evidence of conviction. His declaration to no longer invoke his Catholic faith in party policy conveniently ushers in the six-month mark ‘til the federal election, as polls soar. It seems as though once politicians become stranded on the wrong side of public opinion, they start to face this dilemma – how to navigate back into the safe, popular middle ground, while silencing their policy purists and avoiding headlines that generously incorporate the term ‘backflip’.

Rudd’s brief prime ministry promised to lead the world on climate change, but efforts to produce an actual climate change policy were put on the back burner until 2012. As far as political reversals go, they don’t get much bigger – the great big tax on everything transformed into the great big backflip. I’d like to think that this act of political cowardice was his undoing but that would be ingenuous and basically

a party which sits steadfast in the middle ground and waits for the world to determine our fate.

As Gillard’s government spends time recovering from its most recent blow, the Abbott opposition have churned out an election manifesto aptly titled “Our Plan”. What follows in these glossy pages is a hardly surprising picture of a bright Australian future without any real level of detail – a jumble of aspirations, pledges and not-fully-thought-out plans. With the Greens spluttering “take us seriously” and Malcolm Turnbull and Simon Crean banished to the impotence of the backbenches, we are left with a collection of political platitudes carefully designed to offend no one.

So what happens to the greatest moral, economic and scientific challenges of our time? They evaporate like a melting ice sheet, so that both parties can head into the next election free of the complicated stuff. Not a pickle in sight. What happens to politics as the art of the possible?

It discretely segues into the complacent and blame-free world of Middletopia, where politicians occasionally see the distant lights and dream of something more exciting.

GABRIELLE CR AVEN EXPLORES AUSTRALIA’S POLITICAL HAPPY MEALS.

T

hursday June 24 2010 may seem like a distant memory but for Australia it was a very big news day. On that fateful day Australia beat Serbia in football but not by a large enough margin to proceed through to the next round of the World Cup. A front-page story in normal circumstances, but not then, not on the day the federal Labor caucus anointed Julia Gillard Australia’s first female Prime Minister. Many women, regardless of their politics, felt the significance of the event and there was the usual pathos for a fallen leader. Some redheads rejoiced at the ascendency of a ranga and I perused some newspapers trying to look intelligent.

Yet Australia, like many other post-industrial, consumerdriven societies, remains in the unyielding grip of middle ground politics, regardless of whom our leader is. The middle ground is a seemingly comfortable, safe place where bolshie, commie reds or strident, red-headed racists (and I’m not talking about Julia) don’t get a look in. And this is not such a bad thing. If the middle ground was a suburb it would have grassy verges and good schools, its houses would have two and a half bathrooms and granite topped kitchen benches – and who wouldn’t want to live there? Our politicians cram into this suburb, that could be called Middletopia, but I suspect they might like to escape to somewhere a little edgier on occasion.

So what drove them to this safe haven? Ironically, I think we can blame the blame culture. The all-access power gifted

8/

/ ISSUE 4

to the media by the 24-hour news cycle feeds our insatiable thirst for someone to blame. We’re met with a constant stream of information about Gillard’s new glasses, Rudd’s hairdryer or Romney’s canine companion. What remains static, however, is a government that has spilled so much it is empty of any credibility, where the interchangeable figurehead of a policy platform has become the be-all and end-all of our decision making process. As a consequence, any reasonable attempt to objectively evaluate the valuable contributions of the current government against back-pedalled election promises is diverted by insidious personal attacks.

REDHEADS REJOICED AT THE ASCENDENCY OF A RANGA AND I PERUSED SOME NEWSPAPERS, TRYING TO LOOK INTELLIGENT.

This style of personal attack has become a hallmark of the current political debate: forget about the issues, put aside reason and logic, let’s attack the individual. The consequence of a burgeoning blame culture is, god forbid, obesity – our society has become fat with political platitudes and middle ground politics, while politicians of conviction grow thinner by the day. As a society we risk becoming bloated with the

ISSUE 4 /

/9

ANDY ZEPHYR, UTS UNION ‘DESK GUY’/STUDENT ACTIVIST/SRC REP GIVES US THE LOWDOWN ON THE NATIONAL DAY OF ACTION (NDA), AND TELLS US WHY, DESPITE IT BEING A WHOLE MONTH AGO, WE SHOULD ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT.

W

“

e are being stalked by a monster. It is eating our teachers, our futures and our education,” explains Tim Scriven, Vice President of Sydney University’s Postgraduate Representative Association (SUPRA). The monster he is referring to is neoliberalism, and he was one of many who raised a fist and declared war on that greedfuelled monstrosity during the National Day of Action.

The NDA was about fighting for student rights, a day for raising awareness of student movements. It’s a campaign run by the National Union of Students (NUS), which is currently headed by our old 2012 UTSSA President, Jade Tyrrell. She was one of the few NUS office bearers to at UTS on March 27 for the rally. The NDA not only provided students and staff with an active voice, but also set a precedent for what students can do. Three hundred people gathered outside UTS and marched towards USyd, sending the message that we, as students, do not want to be treated as customers.

Students need to be able to focus on their studies: after all, they are the future of the nation. And education is a basic human right.

If you were a stickler for detail, you’d have noticed that our posters said we’d march to Town Hall (as was printed in Vertigo Issue 3). As a group that supports educational reform for students, the NDA also hopes to help tertiary staff and educators as they are the direct link between the university and us. The union for academic staff in Australia, the National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU) supported our rally, even sending protestors from their own picket lines to help build

NDA numbers. In turn, the Cross Campus Education Action Network (CCEAN) voted to march in support of the NTEU at USyd, and to stand with them at their picket lines.

As far as UTS contingents go, we had support from the Environmental, Queer and Education Collectives, who showed their active support not only in their specific movements, but also by representing UTS as a whole.

Unfortunately as a university, we had very little overall presence compared to others. USyd and NTEU led the charge, bringing in at least half of the protesters. Even ‘locationally challenged’ universities such as UWS and Macquarie had large contingents.

UTS has been polluted with a thick, apolitical smog that strangles any form of student movement, and it is infecting our minds. It makes us sit dormant while staff casualisation increases at a rampant rate. It makes us believe we deserve to pay more for our university degrees. By the time most people realise they’ve become apathetic to this profitfuelled agenda, it will be too late. These are the things we stood against on the NDA, and this is what the 30-strong active members of CCEAN attempt to do every day.

The CCEAN has come together rapidly. Spearheaded by our very own UTS student activist Kate Alway, it has organised a rally and is now targeting the federal parties’ educational policies. If you’ve been miraculously cured of apathetic views on the education movement, please approach someone from the CCEAN or our own Students’ Association, or keep an eye out for a man with a blue fringe and a loud voice (me!).

SUBMIT TO VERTIGO AT SUBMISSION@UTSVERTIGO.COM.AU 10 /

/ ISSUE 4

GOING W I T H O U T:

CAN STUDENT ACTIVISM STILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

FOR

AGAINST

UNI LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING SACRIFICES.

JAMES WILSON LIAM SHAND EGAN

THIS MONTH, JA M E S H AY D O N TRIES LIFE WITHOUT CUTLERY.

I

had bought my third kebab of the day before people started asking questions. Well, just one question really, “Why the hell are you eating so many kebabs?” I don’t know exactly why the third kebab is the point where it gets unreasonable – nobody batted an eyelid when I ate a burrito for breakfast.

But when it comes to the reason I was eating meatboxes at a level that freaked out even Glasshouse regulars, you can blame my editors. To continue their tradition of taking food away from me (frankly, it almost seems to be an obsession at this point), the Vertigo team decided that for two weeks I wouldn’t be touching cutlery.

To lay some ground rules, I defined cutlery as ‘things that you use to eat food’. I also threw in items used to serve food, just for good measure (not that I could actually measure, as measuring cups were obviously banned). To make it sufficiently hard for myself, I wasn’t allowed to use items that aided food preparation either, like graters, peelers, mixers and the like.

However if someone else used them to prepare food for me, then game on.

It’s actually amazing how many delicious foods don’t require any utensils: kebabs, burritos, nachos, sandwiches, toast, sushi, hamburgers, nuts, cake, biscuits, fruit and vegetables. Sure, you’re going to have a hard time with soup, but even then you can pour it into a cup and drink it. Frankly, I impressed myself with what I managed to eat with my hands; I even tried my hand at spaghetti, though having experienced it, just... don’t.

12 /

/ ISSUE 4

It all went well until I took a girl out for lunch. I thought I’d managed the situation perfectly – we were going to a café (avoiding restaurants so I wouldn’t run into silverware) and I ordered a BLT and banana smoothie. What I’d forgotten is that cafés these days have decided in their eternal wisdom that it’s just not cool enough to make a normal fucking sandwich, but that they need to create an “experience”. It was presented to me completely deconstructed, mostly outside of the bread and held together with an array of toothpicks.

IT WAS AS THOUGH THE LITTLE PIG THAT BUILT HIS HOUSE WITH STICKS HAD BEEN MAKING A SALAD WHEN THE BIG BAD WOLF CAME AROUND.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “James, you moron!

Just explain the situation!” It’s a fair point and I quickly folded and told her everything. To her credit she found it very funny, but there’s not really an easy way to messily eat a salad with your hands and still be appealing to the opposite sex.

Aside from having to avoid certain foods, I completed this challenge without any major issues. I learnt I should probably eat out less and spend some more time with my family (who do insist on the use of utensils), and that while you don’t need a fork to eat spaghetti, you really should use one.

There you are sitting in your lecture, busy scrolling through Facebook, when all of a sudden a stream of colourful people avalanche down the front chanting loudly, “Free Education!

Same Sex Marriage Now! No more David Koch!” As you recline in your chair thinking, yeah, I am sick of David Koch, remember that this, my friends, is the power of student activism: the power to make a difference.

It’s not just David Koch that activists are fighting; there are lesser evils to consider, such as climate change or the marriage debate. Both campaigns found their roots within the student movement and have blossomed into fully fledged issues that our politicians need to take seriously if they want to win your soul vote.

But let’s not assume that all activists are left-wing. There are many centrist and right-wing activists who respectively lobby hard for change, like for craft beer in Union venues (unlikely), or that zombies be allowed to run for Parliament so that Menzies can get another crack at PM (see: Phillip Ruddock). These young activists also cut their political teeth at uni, so that in 30 years or so, anyone to the right of John Howard can become a fine, upstanding member of the Australian Labor Party.

Student activism is an integral part of university life and our lives would be very different without it.

For many, this point is moot. The screams of the ongoing injustices committed by David Koch are not enough to rile the senses. Reclining in their chairs, they think, I don’t mind him, it’s that Karl Stefanovic I can’t stand. They look back at Facebook and discover they’ve missed out on an important cat meme and realise that student activists can make a difference. They do have the power: the power to annoy.

What happened to student activism? University students protesting used to be about grassroots movements and overcoming the odds through perseverance, but now I rarely hear about protests going longer than two days (with the possible exception of the Occupy Sydney ‘movement’).

We are encouraged by our student unions to voice our opinions loudly and many do, as they should. But it’s not enough to be the loudest in the room. Protests used to bring real change because they were the little people acting together to make a difference in society, but instead, every week I walk past a different bake sale for a different cause.

Sorry, but cupcakes are not going to stop Kony.

The majority of young people I know have almost completely tuned out of political news, opting to donkey vote (draw a knob on the ballot paper) or simply delete the email from the AYCC (Australian Youth Climate Commission).

Student activism is like ads: many try to break away from others by being ironic and funny, but like the ads on TV, when you watch enough of them, you tune out. The information blurs into the background and you lose the impact that many people worked hard to make.

For the past year, every time I have thought about student activism, I have thought about the comments made

by Wil Anderson about the protest of BP’s sponsorship of the London Olympics, “that actually just makes me hate students”. Student activism used to be an amazing way to bring about change because the higher-ups acknowledged that one day the young would inherit the Earth. But now all we are left with is a small group of people chanting into a megaphone.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 13

ANY LAST WORDS? BEFORE OUR BELOVED RAT-DEN OF A PUB, THE CLARE CLOSES DOWN, ONE FAN SHARES A FEW STORIES OF A PLACE THAT HAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, A SYMBOL OF STUDENT LIFE.

T

o be direct, The Clare functions as a place where a UTS student can go to drink and not be surrounded by drunk, sneakers-and-jeans-wearing engineers (The Glasshouse) or friends of band supporters (The Loft).

The cheap drinks, the cool but not conversation-destroying music, and the squishy couches made The Clare a social incubator unavailable elsewhere in Sydney. The soft, yellow lighting befriended all our complexions, the terrific barlength to floor-space ratio assured prompt service, and its proximity to Central meant we could tell ourselves we were leaving soon, to start on all those things we said we’d do when we got home, despite this rarely happening.

I suppose I could go on trying to characterise a wholesome Clare culture from the groups I’ve seen, conversations I’ve eavesdropped on, terms of endearment I’ve heard directed at her marvelous name (“Ah, The Clare”), but I suspect this would only relate a community excursion we’ve all recounted ourselves numerous times. Indeed, this picture is painted and all I have to offer is a splashwork of my own Clare experiences.

First, a piece of personal trivia: at first I thought ‘The Clare’ was word play, with the ‘e’ on the end of ‘the’ double functioning as the ‘e’ to start the word ‘eclare’, because an eclair is soft and tasty and melts in your mouth and all that stuff. I never thought on it too deeply because I figured it was something we’d all thought about.

14 /

/ ISSUE 4

PHOTOGRAPHY: JACK JONES

I think I spent my first proper Clare session with the girls from my Fictional Forms class (a subject in the Writing and Cultural Studies major). No matter what went down, I was pretty stoked to be one guy drinking with six or seven females (and sometimes another dude, but he was rad). The mysterious sausage-fest of my past life was finally averaging out. Groups of actual girls one could comfortably chill with were alive and kicking at UTS. My consciousness nodded solemnly and reaffirmed that Sydney Uni could get fucked.

Only dudes go to Sydney Uni, or so I consoled myself - I had made the right choice.

I don’t know about the girls’, but the boys’ bathroom in The Clare has no mirrors. This is brilliant. Nothing reminded me that I wasn’t gorgeous or sober. This unchecked drunkenness helped me talk constant nonsense (vaguely relevant, esoteric, fuck-me-facts) to That Girl with the enormous breasts and deceivingly interested smile.

I hustled (hassled?) her enough to bring me along to a Harry Potter themed party at one of the Sydney Uni colleges. We waited on a dewy, clipped lawn for two hours with a bunch of other pissed-off wizards before throwing in the noblest of towels and trooping back to The Clare. Later reports would reveal that the wizards inside, pumped up on vodka raspberries, pomp and exclusivity, were even shittier then those on the lawn, so the Crabbes hunted the Goyles and they punched each other.

It took me a year to find out The Clare had a trivia night: maybe this was the first time I properly met Chloe (the bartender). She was a friend of one of the Fictional Forms girls who I found myself with on nights when I got too drunk to notice everyone else I knew well had left. With Chloe and her mateys, I triumphantly yelled all the wrong answers and left The Clare a winner, en route to somebody’s house where the drinking continued in a shed full of suspiciously good art. I left in the morning when I sobered up and realised I was that random stranger they’d collected for funzies at trivia night.

I suspect this one has happened to others. One night a gaggle of uni cats were excitably downing ciders and even a tequila shot or two before heading out to some other venue made popular that night by reasons that escape me.

All I know is that we stood up from the couches around 9:30pm and traipsed off for an hour, every moment aware that standing up and yelling sucks, before confessing we just wanted to return to The Clare, squish up, get slowly sauced and talk about mad shit.

This last point I feel lies close to the heart of The Clare, or explains how The Clare lay close to ours. We always had it there to start with. We loitered there at 10:30am after we’d handed in our last assessment, but had to wait until midday to get hammered. We saw tutors in there and drank with them. We apologised when we bumped into people and we would be met with a smile. Next, rejoicing that you, I, us (we) and the owner of that stray shoulder were there, together, walking on the same tacky carpet.

I’d like to finish with the following thought: although The Clare is closing, and the reality is that we will all move on, to other bars, other beers, other awkward sexual engagements, and other modes of being. Central Park is growing behind her like a Hollywood set, still flat and unreal, waiting for people to define it. The magic of The Clare was the fact that it was just a bar, just a place to drink, just an awesomely chilled, incredibly comfortable and fantastically close place where one could kick it with great people. The Clare may have been a collection of physical elements, an ingenious architecture of social simplicity, a building, a bar, a venue – but the people who went there were the milk in the shake, the juice in the box, the power in the plant, and all these people remain, determined to be cool, gentle, and interesting as fuck. I’m looking forward to seeing all of you wherever you choose to materialise, where we can raise our glasses like before and drink to The Clare.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 15

A RECIPE FOR PLASTIC-ENRICHED FISH

THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: DEPRESSION

TOBY PETTIGREW TELLS VERTIGO READERS HOW TO BENEFIT FROM THE GREAT PACIFIC GARBAGE PATCH IN JUST SEVEN SIMPLE STEPS. In 1997 Captain Charles Moore navigated into a vortex formed by oceanic currents in the northern Pacific Ocean. As this area is not frequently navigated, Moore was the first to discover a vast field of plastic debris floating in the sea. The patch of garbage, termed the ‘Great Pacific Garbage Patch’, is formed from plastic waste pollution that has blown or run into the sea. Once offshore, it gets caught in strong currents that move along the coasts of continents, and eventually finds its way onto shores around the world or gets caught in these vortices and remains there.

The plastic starts to degrade and becomes, in Moore’s words, ‘soupy’. In some areas there is as much as six times more plastic than plankton. Never fear though, Vertigo is here and has come to the rescue with a timely recipe to help you profit from this plastic soup, with our unique—

Plastic-enriched fish You will need: a global throwaway culture disposable plastic, like the caps of your plastic bottles a vast and complex system of oceanic currents a cumulative food pyramid

16 /

2.Dispose of the plastics on the street or even better, toss them right into a stormwater drain! This way, you are guaranteed runoff to the sea. Don’t worry though, you won’t have to wait long, as the process has already been started by previous generations.

Around 70% of all marine flavourings come from land-based sauces/sources dumping their plastics in rivers, or stormwater runoff. The remaining aromatics in our stew come from oil spills, the dumping of trash at sea and other ‘pollution’ from ships.

Great to pull out on short notice, this quick treat is perfect for entertaining. It serves all of humanity and unfortunately, it can’t be scaled down. Leftovers will keep in the fridge for up to forever. The really great thing about this recipe is that it reuses plastics that otherwise would have gone to waste, and turns them into food that you can eat!

3.Stir vigorously, using ocean currents such as the East Australian Current which (unexpectedly) runs south along the east coast of Australia, and leave to brew in oceanic vortices such as the ones that exist in the Tasman Sea, the north Pacific Ocean or the Indian Ocean. This process will combine your batch with millions of other peoples’, which is excellent; the bigger the batch the tastier it is!

1.Source your plastics from any good convenience store, supermarket or store. Bottle caps tend to work best for this recipe, but other plastics such as pen lids, lighters, toothbrushes and plastic bags will do.

4.Let your plastic and seawater mix sit until your plastic has shrunk considerably in size. Due to a process called photodegradation, your plastics will break down and disintegrate into tiny pieces.

/ ISSUE 4

You might find that some animals like to steal bits of plastic out of your stew, notably albatrosses who like to feed it to their young, and sea turtles who like to choke on it. What a nuisance!

5.Once your plastic has degraded into small enough pieces it will be consumed by smaller members of the food chain. This is excellent as it allows the plastic to start releasing delicious chemicals like the BPA you’ve heard so much about on all the cooking shows on TV. Don’t worry, we’re sure that it isn’t as dangerous as the trans-fats we eat so much of these days.

6.Due to biomagnification, all of those beautiful flavours accumulate in high amounts in bigger fish (like mackerel, tuna or trout). How convenient is that?

It totally cuts down on marinating time!

7.Enjoy your plastic-enriched fish in all the same ways you would typically eat fish.

As ‘delicious’ as this recipe sounds, please reuse, reduce and recycle that plastic. Buy and use a reusable water bottle. Put your rubbish in the bin.

No one wants to eat plastic-enriched seafood, especially not when prawns are so damn expensive anyway.

A MAN WHO WISHES TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS THE GRADUATE REMINDS US THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

H

ello again, dear reader, and welcome to the fourth article agonising, wearisome detail. Then at the end you’re left with in my column, which I’m sure you’ll agree is noble in a list of action items, which is to say ‘items to be actioned’. intention, if not in execution. Today’s lecture begins with Maybe I’m naïve, but I always thought the word ‘action’ was an unexpected development: your humble correspondent has a noun. But no, in the business world things get actioned. It found a job. That’s right. I’m exchanging the heady days (daze) sounds like when people talk about friending someone on of coarse stubble, shower-free spells and brekkie bongs for a Facebook, or when in Year 3 we moved to the country and I new life of ironed shirts, ergonomic keyboards, and Workplace was the new kid and Raymond Ferguson told everyone that I Health and Safety compliance. wanted to sex Tiffany Spicer. I definitely didn’t.

But it’s not all grim. I can finally afford some laxatives I suppose anyone studying Communication will be familiar to push through the instant noodles I’ve been subsisting on, with such systematic perversions of the English language. plus there’s no more Centrelink. And, of course, there’s the pay: In fact, I would argue that the Humanities are built on one $36 000 a year. I reckon I can probably simple question, “Have I Bourdieu yet?” afford to rent my own room in Rooty Hill Obviously the answer is a resounding, now, which is exciting, “’cause it’s pretty “Yes you’ve bored me to bits.” But much the sexiest town after Darwin’s I’M EXCHANGING THE HEADY that’s by the by. You see, the horrors Fannie Bay”.

DAYS (DAZE) OF COARSE STUBBLE, of employment may be plentiful, I am So what is this dream job I’ve landed, SHOWER-FREE SPELLS AND BREKKIE unashamedly down and out. But at least you enquire? Well, sirs and madams, BONGS FOR A NEW LIFE OF IRONED I’ve still got time to write. I’m at work it’s the position of Administrative SHIRTS, ERGONOMIC KEYBOARDS, right now. Not at lunch or anything, Officer at a renowned Sydney-based AND WORKPLACE HEALTH AND actually at my desk. I’m meant to be on company that the Vertigo legal team SAFETY COMPLIANCE. the intranet, but I’m sitting here at my has forbidden me to name (cowards). partitioned workstation getting paid At first the interviewers were worried to share insights with you, the fans.

I might be overqualified (HD average).

You know, it’s the thought of my moral But in the end I convinced them that I was committed to our obligation to you splendid, hopeful tenderfeet that gets me shared vision, that I functioned well in a team environment and through the day. that our collective objectives were more important than my So my advice this week is to find a way to avoid working for individual desire for wealth. Isn’t it weird how the rhetoric of an employer. For example, I plan to self-publish my memoirs capitalists can sound so Marxian? later this year. That’s my surefire ticket out of here. In the The job itself involves a mix of things: communications meantime, however, I will continue my perceptive reportage and media stuff with the website — www.xxxxxxxxxx.com from the frontline of Sydney’s (gulp) information economy, for — distributing mail, writing and subediting documents and I suspect there is still much valuable knowledge to impart to reports, and taking minutes at meetings. Now, I must say, you. And besides, like the ravenous customers of a dawdling meetings are the absolute fucking pits. Everyone sits down Berlin hot dog vendor, I am all too aware that the wurst is yet together with a list of agenda items and discusses each one in to come.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 17

SHOWCASE ART:

HAEIN KIM

I’M AN ANIMATION STUDENT, ILLUSTRATOR AND ASPIRING HAPPY MONSTERS MAKE MY DAY. AND IF THEY'RE BEGGING ME TO RELEASE THEM FROM MY MIND-HOLE, WHY NOT?

18 /

/ ISSUE 4

ISSUE 4 /

/ 19

ISAPPOINTMENT, ILDOS AND ERELICTS VERTIGO SENT MAX GRIEVE TO THE SEXPO FOR A JOURNEY INTO THE KNOWN AND UNKNOWN, WHERE HE DISCOVERED SOME THINGS YOU DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW.

I

went to Amsterdam last year, or more specifically, I went to the red light district in Amsterdam last year. I recall stealing a glance at a woman trying to cover the twin peaks of a great metaphorical mountain range with two metaphorical picnic blankets tied together with a metaphorical skipping rope – metaphorically and in reality an impossible task – before I diverted my gaze to my shoes, which I noticed were in desperate need of a good retying.

It’s not that I’m shy about that kind of thing, or repulsed by the sight of human flesh, it was simply that I didn’t want the women in the windows to catch me looking (although by their very standing in front of a window naked, or near enough, I should perhaps have known that they were fairly relaxed about people having a cheeky gander).

It was only when I had walked out the other side of this veritable erotic wonderland that I realised my mistake. If I ever found myself in such a situation again, I said to myself as I made my way along the street, I would never look away from anything, anywhere, ever again.

Nevertheless, when Vertigo asked me to visit Sexpo for them, I turned it down immediately – after all, I’m no deviant. However, I soon realised that I had wandered from the promise I had made to myself back in Amsterdam, and quickly wrote back to accept. I had been presented with a golden opportunity to make up for everything.

20 /

/ ISSUE 4

Here follows an account of Sexpo 2013.

With little else to do on Wednesday night other than watch SBS until the late news then go to bed, I took up the offer to attend the Sexpo launch party in Darling Harbour.

Expecting the party to be held in an unattractive convention centre hall bathed in a pink light and swarming with sweaty 40-year-old men and B-grade porn stars alike, it came as a great disappointment to me to discover that the organisers had planned something altogether much more refined.

I won’t waste your time; yes, the guy in the pink leather cowboy costume had his charms, as did the two women insistent on exhibiting a fairly liberal regard for nipple licking in public. But the real highlight of the launch party was Russell Gilbert.

Gilbert, for the uninitiated, is an Australian television personality whose career hit the heights of a nine-year stint on Hey Hey It’s Saturday, and the lows of hosting a game show for dogs – no, really. Having virtually disappeared off our screens for the best part of six years, Gilbert, it seemed, was alive and well, and back for the big time. International celebrities the world over had made no secret of their desperation to host Sexpo, but the people demanded Gilbert, and he came.

My friend recognised Russell Gilbert. Gilbert seemed genuinely excited by the fact that there were people in the room who knew of him. He then launched into a David Brent–esque monologue about his struggle to get his face back on the goggle box, which can only be described in two ways: sad, and super-duper sad. Following a few awkward minutes of nodding along, during which Gilbert seemed literally seconds from asking us for work, he did magic tricks with a business card, as though he was trying to impress us.

I would later discover that Russell Gilbert’s Wikipedia page includes the names of his two cats, Derek and Clive, leading me to realise that the Sexpo hosting gig probably wasn’t the zenith of the Australian entertainment industry.

We left soon after the bar tab ran out, and the price of a beer rose to $8.

The launch party was a wake up call. Sexpo probably wasn’t going to be as romantic as I had first imagined. Sexpo, a clever portmanteau of the words ‘sex’ and ‘exposition’, is like an indecent O’ Day. Held at the Sydney Exhibition and Convention Centre, the setup basically consists of about 200 stalls, a main stage, a seminar area, a café, and a Sex Maze – just like O’ Day. Taking in everything – the thousands of dildos strapped up on the walls of each stand; the minimal undergarments; the countless effigies of the penis, in wood, wax, ice and rubber; the porn stars wandering aimlessly; the swarms of 30-, 40- and 50-year-old men and women – Sexpo appears to exist as a physical representation of the darker corners of the Internet. I didn’t want anybody I knew to see me going in or

But wait! There’s more!

I also paid actual money to go in the Sex Maze and the Sex Train, neither of which justified the $7 I relinquished for the experience. A box about the size of a shipping container with the words “Sex Maze” painted on the side accounted for the Sex Maze, which didn’t fail to not live up to expectations: I was disappointed right from the beginning. Rubber penises were again the focus of this particular exhibit, this time nailed to mirrors in a blacked out excuse for a maze.

The Sex Train wasn’t much better, or was, depending on how depraved you are. The $5 I spent went towards just under a minute of riding a cart at walking pace around a circuit, and every few metres happening upon a model of two people urinating on each other. If this is what sex is meant to be like, then I don’t want any of it.

As I might have mentioned, Sexpo is mostly about sex.

That said I’m not sure how relevant the paintball stall was, even taking into consideration the sad blow-up sex doll slumped in the corner. The same goes for the liquorice stand, which was only saved by the semi-amusing names of

coming out, without knowing that I was definitely only going because Vertigo had asked me to, and not because I was kind of interested – I wasn’t. It’s a shameless place, and though it’s half-exciting for the first ten minutes, after a while you feel as though you’ve seen everything.

As if dildos hung up on walls like fish at a market weren’t weird enough, there were amusements, too. In desperate need of some material for this piece – Hell, I knew I couldn’t just write “and that was weird as fuck as well” 200 times to flesh out the word count – I spent some money and gave them a go.

Something I was quickly coming to realise was that Sexpo had a distinctly sexual theme. There were sideshow alley clowns, but the clowns’ heads – suggestive enough in themselves, as gawking, open-mouthed men coated heavily in makeup – were replaced by an arse with a gaping anus and the tip of a penis, rotating as per usual. I didn’t win anything, but the man running it gave me a little figurine of an alien exposing himself to make me feel better. You can doubt the morals of the people who work at this event all you like, but you can’t doubt their kindness.

its wares: among them ‘randy rainbow’, ‘bisexual blueberry’ and ‘butt-licking bubblegum’.

It was, for want of a parallel that doesn’t refer to a popular children’s book, a bit like a sexy Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – where the chocolate and whimsy were mostly replaced by various objects designed for insertion.

Oh, and they were various! There were poles with holes, and beams that gleamed, and all manner of frankly shameful rhyming synonyms for a dildo that I don’t want to waste my time coming up with.

There was nothing of the relative romanticism of Amsterdam for which I was looking. You could have a far more pleasant experience sitting at a computer in a locked room, feasting on some of the more salacious material the internet has to offer -(don’t forget to explore the latest range of synthetic phalluses). If you really want the authentic Sexpo experience, surround yourself with middle-aged men, and conduct the whole experiment under an obscenely fluorescent light.

Never been to Sexpo before?

Now you have.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 21

UNIVERSITY OF TECHNOLOGY FORGET AUTOMATIC LIBRARY RETRIEVAL SYSTEMS, PAPER BAG BUILDINGS AND URINE RECYCLING SYSTEMS, MECHANICAL ENGINEERING STUDENT LE WI S MILE S BRINGS YOU SOME CREATIONS THAT UTS STUDENTS REALLY NEED.

(YOU ACTUALLY WANT) SYDNEY Q. When you’re sitting in your lecture, tute or in the library, what do you want your laptop to give you instant access to?

A) The weekly readings that you didn’t do B) Sophisticated yet user-friendly note taking software C) A delicious toasted sandwich INTRODUCING: MACCOOK PRO

Vertigo statistics* show that the ratio of pens remaining in a student’s bag to pens on the lecture theatre floor is approximately 1:27 by the end of semester. Our studies also show that 88% of students have, at some point in their academic career, printed an assignment in the hour leading up to their class.

With quantum grill processing and a lightweight, streamlined design, this is Apple’s* highest performance sandwich toaster yet.

INTRODUCING: THE INKSTAMATIC PRINTER This printer works by directly converting homeless pens into printer ink, allowing you free printing, or crediting the extra ink to your My Monitor account.

M1 - Simply place your delicious, cheesy sandwich (buttered on the outside) on the grill and close the laptop.

M2 – Wait until the indicator light on the back of the MacCook turns green, and then leave the sandwich to toast for five to ten minutes.

P1 - Homeless pens are inserted into the pen-blender.

P2 - An ink collector filters and stores the collected ink for instant or future use.

And voila! A delicious toasted sandwich, perfect for educational, home or business consumption.

* Apple are not actually involved in this design. Though they should be.

*Vertigo statistics may in some cases be entirely fictional.

Got a one hour lecture at 9am in Building 2 and then a tute at 10am in Haymarket Block D?

There’s always one person in your class who talks a whole lot more than they need to. Luckily, for just $2, you can use your My Monitor account to keep them quiet for a whole hour.

INTRODUCING: CONE OF SILENCE Simply scan your prepaid student card in the Cone’s control panel, and enter the coordinates of the problematic smartass.

C1 - The cone silently and rapidly travels across the ceiling grid and descends on the target.

C2 - Soundproof glass protects the rest of the class from harmful pseudo-intellectual waves.

22 /

/ ISSUE 4

INTRODUCING: THE TOWERFOX For the fastest, most stylish and funnest (you saw it in a magazine, so it’s a word now) way to travel, just take the lift to the top of Building 1 and clip yourself to the TowerFox. T1 - Gravity combined with mass moves the student towards the ground.

T2 - A large crash pad on the side of the bell tower at Haymarket cushions each student and allows them to disengage from their harness and take the slippery dip to the ground.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 23

STREET STYLE

A POX ON POP CULTURE

UTS IS FULL OF STYLISH STUDENTS. SAMUEL MILLSOM SHARES THE BEST OF THE BEST.

SHAMI

DRE

If you saw Shami walking to one of her Media Arts and Production classes, you’d be able to tell that this chick is ready to work ‘til 5, then party until dawn. She’s got that busy woman-onthe-go vibe, in her Kardashian-esque mix of coloured denims and black leather boots (obvi chosen to aid a speedy getaway from the papz/get to her next engagement). But seriously, she’s rocking a sweet boyfriend business shirt (#classic) topped off by a tie necklace that looks flashy and gives off a quirky androgynous vibe (see: vintage Yves Saint Laurent). When asked about her style she listed Blair Waldorf as an inspiration and to that we say, “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL.”

I saw Dre rushing to a class in the Law building but I couldn’t stop myself from grabbing a quick snap of him. Rocking not one, but two prints, he looks a model in a Stussy lookbook. The combo of camouflage and jungle-inspired prints have been bouncing around men’s fashion runways worldwide (see: Kenzo, #masteroftheprint) and Dre’s put his chilled spin on it by adding some boat shoes and a simple white tee. He’s finished off the look with a bandana wrapped around his forehead, looking like he’s straight outta Compton.

All in all, this homie is rocking some #chronicstreetfashion. If he continues to look this fly, no one will ever forget about Dre!

CLAIRE

TTW WEE RR KK IITT ALEX JOHNSON GETS TO THE BUTT OF THE QUESTION, “IS TWERKING WORKING?”

I

spend a lot of time on the Internet opening links to things that are going to make me cringe. So naturally, when someone sent me a link recently I opened it and then promptly curled up in a ball like an armadillo, preparing myself to witness yet another embarrassing moment in human history. I was not disappointed.

Miley Cyrus has put a video of herself online twerking to J. Dash’s ‘WOP’ in a unicorn onesie. I am sure that most of you are familiar with the concept of twerking by now. If you are not, I recommend you Google it, because there is no way that I can do it justice without using the phrase “bounce that arse”.

I don’t know if I can put my finger on exactly what it is about the video that makes me uncomfortable. It could be the fact that, for a dance that is supposed to emphasise superb arses, Miley’s looks flat as a tack. The unicorn onesie does her butt no favours. Or it could be because Miley Cyrus is obviously not that good at twerking. I’m not saying she’s out of time, because all those years of Hannah Montana have obviously given her at least a little rhythm. However, she’s very stiff and at one point when she ‘drops it low’ she is literally in a froggy pose.

But mostly I think it’s the fact that when I opened the link to watch the video the white girl who’d reposted it had

24 /

/ ISSUE 4

written, “damn, homegirl got moves,” as a caption. The first thing I thought was, brace yourself: the white-girl twerk videos are coming. And I was right. They’re there and they’re awkward – videos of blonde girls in booty shorts and UGG boots wiggling their butts off time and out of sync with each other. It’s embarrassing at best.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not here to provide commentary on the numerous cultural implications of dance moves like twerking and the Harlem Shake making the mainstream jump. There are hundreds of black writers and bloggers who do a much better job of that than I ever could (seriously, get Googling: there is already a really excellent short documentary out about the real Harlem Shake). What I’m going to do instead is provide some solid advice to any rhythmically challenged white girl thinking of making a twerk video. Do you think you can twerk? Does your boyfriend/ girlfriend/significant other tell you it’s sexy when you bounce that thing? Are you thinking about putting this sexy video on YouTube? It’s times like this I remember Rebel Wilson in Pitch Perfect and her immortal line, “sometimes I feel like I can do crystal meth and then I think ‘mmm, better not’.”

Don’t do it. Just don’t. Chances are you’ll look stupid and I’ll write a column about you later. Nobody wants that. It’s for your own good.

SS

Looking chic and whimsical in a simple black skirt/white shirt (#soundslikeaLanadelRaylyric) combination, what really caught my eye was Claire’s bright magenta handbag. Nothing says #trendsetter like an Oroton bag! You can tell this fashionista is great with accessories and has definitely brought her A-game today. She’s thrown on some grungy heeled-boots and a couple of earrings, which in combination with her oversized coffee makes her look like a cross between an Olsen twin and Carolina Herrera. When we had a chat about her style du jour, she said she just dresses as her mood takes her and today she wanted to look smart. Well with a look like this, I’m sure you’ll ace all your assignments!

ISSUE 4 /

/ 25

ROADTEST: AVOIDING CHARITY

THE HUMAN SHIELD

FUNDRAISERS

DON’T FEEL LIKE “SAVING THE CHILDREN” ON YOUR WAY TO CLASS? ACTUALLY ALREADY DONATE TO OTHER CHARITIES? SAGE FITZPATRICK MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP. MISSION: FIND THE PERFECT WAY TO AVOID THOSE ANNOYING STREET CHARITY FUNDRAISERS WHO TRY TO CON YOU OUT OF YOUR FOOD BEER MONEY. ASIDE FROM THE NORMAL “I’M 17” EXCUSE, OR GRABBING YOUR PHONE OUT OF YOUR BAG FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT, I THOUGHT I’D ROADTEST SOME MORE CREATIVE METHODS OF GETTING TO UNI CHARITY-FREE.

CONFUSION

THE “WHY” METHOD

THE CREEPY SMILE

This tactic requires you to be on the ball. As the fundraiser approaches you with their clipboard, scream something completely random such as “I like burgers” or “I’m a pirate”. You may not even like burgers and being a pirate is completely unfeasible in this day and age, but they don’t know that.

Your statement will baffle them and this hesitation is key to your escape.

This one is pretty easy. After every sentence or statement the charity fundraiser makes, ask “why”. For example: Fundraiser: “I’m trying to raise money for starving children, could you give me a minute?”

Me: “Why?” F: “Because the cause is important.”

M: “Why?” F: “Because children are starving.”

M: “Why?” You get the point. After a while they’ll get fed up or won’t be able to answer your stupid questions.

Most charity fundraisers throughout the day will have been shouted at, ignored or spoken to like they’re basically a piece of crap on the floor.

So by making eye contact and putting on your creepiest smile you will unsettle them – think the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.

They’ll immediately back away, with thoughts of you creeping into their apartment at night and murdering their entire family. They will use all their tactics to try and ignore you.

Effectiveness: 4/5.

A charity fundraiser hounded me on my way to class. I was in a rush. She really wanted to talk to me. You see the dilemma. So having prepared a few things to shout, I went with a positive comment. She opened her mouth, I cut her off saying, “I like your hat.” She wasn’t wearing one. She didn’t realise this until after I had walked away and she had patted her head like a fool.

26 /

/ ISSUE 4

Effectiveness: 2/5.

For me this was the hardest as it requires you to keep a straight face and basically be a bit of a bitch. I can’t do the first one. I’m a terrible liar. I laugh.

I blush. You get the drift. And as soon as the fundraiser realised “why” was all he was going to get out of me, I found it harder to keep it up. Plus I felt like the biggest bitch ever, not taking his charity seriously. Deep down I was, but I had uni work to do and had to pretend not to care. So unless you’re Cruella de Vil or have a heart made of stone, this tactic will not work out for you.

You’re happily strolling down the road and you spot a ‘chugger’ (charity mugger). Sweat forms on your head, your breath hitches and your heartbeat quickens. But alas, you spot a nice looking lady. She looks sweet, a little bit like your nan – she even has a cardigan with a puppy on it. Perfect. All you need to do is walk next to this person while approaching the dreaded fundraisers: close enough that you are shielded, but not close enough to warrant a restraining order or be mistaken for this individual’s friend. Or worse, partner.

Effectiveness: 5/5.

This works for me and is a failsafe most of the time. Fundraisers are looking for nice people; they’re generally more generous and willing to give to charity. But if everyone around you looks like they would punch you in the face, then peer shielding is needed.

And if worst comes to worse, push your best friend towards them. They’ll forgive you, eventually.

RESULT: I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT AVOIDING CHARITY FUNDRAISERS IS NOT AS HARD AS I ONCE THOUGHT. I LEARNT YOU HAVE TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX WHEN IT COMES TO DODGING TACTICS – THE CRAZIER THE BETTER. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T GET ARRESTED, AND AVOID HAVING TO SIGN ALL YOUR WAGES AWAY, THEN JOB DONE.

Effectiveness: 4/5.

Although slightly embarrassing, this tactic works surprisingly well. However it is only for those who don’t mind making a tit of themselves in public. I put on my creepiest smile. Eyes wide, with an almost hypnotic, trance-like edge to my stare, a big smile, all teeth showing and no signs of budging. As soon as the poor guy made eye contact with me, I saw him tense up a little. I saw in his eyes that he was judging my sanity and was debating whether to stop me or call a mental institution. He chose neither and with an awkward smile directed his attention to another unfortunate person.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 27

SHOWCASE LIAM ENGEL

THE RIVER The hut had legs. Spindly, wooden stilts that held the structure a metre from the ground. A yellow light shone through a thousand cracks, giving the hut the appearance of a giant paper lantern. Across the small porch swung a hammock, and in it sat a man. He was tall, thickly bearded and wore a wide brimmed hat thatched from the same bamboo as the hut. Thick white spun from the pipe in his hand, running through the evening air. It smelt curious.

28 /

/ ISSUE 4

The man was also curious. His hat sat at an angle, the brim concealing most of his face. As the two boys approached, he used a long finger to push it upwards. From the darkness came his two bright eyes. A deep, orange iris surrounded one pupil, a red iris hugged the other.

“Good evening,” he said.

Coals, thought Noel, staring at the eyes.

Aldous didn’t acknowledge the greeting. He was focused on a willow-patterned teapot that sat beneath the hammock.

“Do you have biscuits for that tea?” he asked the man.

The man raised his eyebrows. “That was a very direct question.”

“That was a very indirect answer,” said Aldous.

The man’s mismatched eyes burnt into one or both of the boys, it was hard to tell. Noel and Aldous paused a metre from the hut, as if hindered by the silence. Aldous continued to stare at the teapot.

“Of course I have biscuits. What kind of fool drinks tea without a biscuit?” The man rose from his hammock.

The man removed a parcel from a pocket inside his cloak, gesturing for the boys to seat themselves. The parcel was wrapped in brown paper and bound with knotted twine.

He untied the parcel, placing paper and contents on the verandah floor. From another pocket he drew three small cups. Two were metal and the third was decorated in the same willow pattern as the pot. The man filled the patterned cup, returning to his hammock. He reclined in the worn material. As he lay his head back, a smirk twitched on his mouth.

“Help yourselves,” the man said.

So the boys ascended three steps to the porch, and sat on either side of the teapot. Aldous reached immediately for

the biscuits, choosing a fat one, dusted with icing sugar. It was finished by the time Noel had poured the tea and Aldous crammed the last mouthful in as he reached expectantly for the cup. Noel passed the hot mug before pouring tea for himself while Aldous chose another biscuit, a rectangular wafer covered in chocolate. He took a bite of either end before sucking tea through it like a straw.

The man’s eyes shone above the rim of his cup. “So, you found the forest,” he said.

“Our parents found the forest,” replied Noel.

“Well, really Dad found it,” Aldous mumbled, his mouth full.

Crumbs fell from his mouth as he talked, onto his shirt.

He swallowed as he finished the sentence, choked slightly, coughed, and then helped himself to another biscuit. The man in the hammock watched quietly.

“This is not the safest place for parents to send their children,” he said hesitatingly. “There is more here than just a forest.”

“Of course there is,” replied Noel. “There are winds, smells, ideas and all sorts of other things here as well.”

“But there are other things besides those. Other things you couldn’t dream of.”

“I’m pretty sure I can dream of anything,” Aldous said.

But neither Noel or the man looked at him.

“You are a boy, boy, and you best drink that tea before it goes cold.”

He swung his head and grinned at Aldous with pointed teeth.

“Do you feel that warm feeling as it tingles through your veins and down toward your toes? Can you tell me why you feel that feeling?”

ILLUSTRATION: EMMA PITMAN

“Well no, but I could find out,” Noel said.

“Could you?”

“Probably. I bet you don’t know what the feeling really is, anyway.”

“And what is ‘really’, really? What if I told you that there were things that you can’t even find out about? What if I told you about ideas that you could not even imagine imagining?

What if I helped you understand that your predicament is merely a symptom of something far worse? Would you like me to know how this world ‘really’ is?”

Noel stared at the lanky man, confused. The man sighed, posture vacating his body alongside rasping breath.

“I’m sorry, boys, I am a tired old man. You shouldn’t pay attention to the things I say.”

“You should think about your words before you say them,” Noel said.

“And you’re wrong anyway. There’s nothing bigger than an imagination,” Aldous chipped in, enthusiastically spilling tea from his cup and onto his shirt.

“Sometimes there is nothing worse either. But when you have learned that it can’t get worse than that, it can be kind of comforting.”

“Then you should enjoy your comforts, boy, while you think you know what they are.”

The man paused, before speaking softly, “And maybe if you keep thinking like that, it might become true.”

Noel held the man’s gaze and Aldous took the opportunity to snatch the final biscuit from the package with his grubby fingers. He threw it triumphantly into his mouth, purple crumbs flying everywhere as he said, “Sorry, I finished them all. I couldn’t help myself.”

“No one can,” the old man replied.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 29

{

After the recent buzz surrounding Google’s revolutionary computerised eyewear technology, Google Glass, the technological juggernaut has announced a follow-up product catering towards “students of all ages”. At a surprise press conference last night, Google’s acting CEO Sir Chen Jin revealed plans for his company’s latest innovation, with the typically vague promise that it will “revolutionise the global classroom”.

The new product, artlessly labelled Google Class, maintains the futuristic wrap-around design of its Glass brother, but features a “range of technical upgrades” scientifically proven to befuddle the crap out of buyers over the age of 25.

FAY KENAIM WRITES.

COMPUTER THING GOOD FOR PUPILS, APPARENTLY

GOOGLE’S NEW

While the new technique will certainly reduce production costs and development duration, some are sceptical of its viability, Tupaypa among them.

“This is just another example of computers taking over jobs from good old honest white-collar workers.

It’s the rise of the machines, I tell you! Oh, that gives me an idea for a comic,” Tupaypa said.

Meanwhile, a media focus group has described the new CGI cartoons as “on par” with Tupaypa’s work, saying they present an equally mystifying array of indecipherable and jumbled symbolism, with oversimplified, opinionated commentary.

See our Gallery of Tupaypa’s most confounding works, on page 14.

Palmer’s TEDx talk when contemplating the future of his country’s widely criticised plan to develop such weapons.

“He was obsessed with that video,” an official in the president’s Alliance political party confirmed to the press. “His conclusion was that if people were willing to give money to struggling artists, why wouldn’t they be willing to give money to struggling nuclear powers?”

The page offers a variety of rewards to its donors, starting from a signed picture of Ahmadinejad for $5 to a kilogram of highly enriched uranium for $1 billion. We contacted one donor who claimed that he

was not in fact a fan of Ahmadinejad’s previous work, but that for $45 the reward was “really awesome t-shirts with a stylised picture of the Ayatollah Khomeini on them. They are so ironic”.

The page has sparked international condemnation: the US has placed pressure on Kickstarter to take the page down while the IAEA have described it as “reprehensible”.

Benjamin Netanyahu,

{

Finally, Google promises that its speechrecognition functionality will be improved by the proposed launch date of February 2014. Instead of annunciating “Okay, Glass” to initiate programmes, Google Class will be capable of recognising user-specific yawn patterns and responding to muffled, mumbled commands for ultimate tutorial discretion.

In response to the announcement, a representative from the Teacher’s Union of Australia has expressed a surprising level of enthusiasm for the study-threatening product. Spokesperson Grey DeMaul explained, “Kids are kids; at least with this tool we won’t have to witness the unrealistic phenomenon of teenagers smiling into their laps during class. Just more mindless staring into space and incoherent mutterings all round.”

Among its distinguishing features, the main menu has been reduced to links for Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and Wikipedia for maximum convenience. Most impressively, concealed within the slim frame of the spectacles is a fully inflatable pillow for particularly draining lectures, and for extra security, the lenses themselves can turn opaque to show an animated image of two alert, not-dozing eyes.

president of Israel, has been a particularly vocal critic of the campaign, threatening that Israel will “Stuxnet you assholes back to MySpace” if the Iranian regime does not withdraw its efforts.

International condemnation hasn’t stopped other rogue nations from considering crowdfunding their own projects. Sudan’s president Omar al-Bashir is now pleading for donations on his Facebook page to pay for his legal defence at the International Criminal Court, and it is reported that Robert Mugabe is behind a Craigslist advertisement offering to swap fertile Zimbabwean farmland for radio-surgical equipment.

We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire.

In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.

he resident political cartoonist for university student newspaper, The Defamer, was retrenched this week, with his position made redundant by pioneering graphic technology.

Artist Penn Tupaypa lost his job without warning on Tuesday, but has not filed for wrongful dismissal against the paper, or made any attempts to reclaim his position. Instead, during a brief interview the cartoonist revealed he doesn’t care at all about The Defamer.

“If readers can’t derive meaning from a mise en scène of an oversized, Gillard-nosed rabbit chewing on a car-shaped carrot, then I see no reason to have stayed anyway,” Tupaypa said.

Apparently, Tupaypa’s only other public response was in the form of a cartoon, published privately on his Tumblr page, depicting his exemployer as an amorphous blob, engulfing a toy car labelled ‘Future’ and a pig branded ‘Public’.

Meanwhile, despite debate about the success of the paper’s cartoon section, The Defamer promises its pages won’t remain caricature-less for long. In Tupaypa’s place, the newspaper has implemented a new system of computer-generated political cartoons. The pioneering program creates cartoons by blending images of random objects and a set of political keywords, including “Refugees”, “Oil” and “Change”.

T

SUE DOH-NIMH REPORTS.

VIA CARTOON

EXPRESSES ANGER

CARTOONIST REPLACED,

ith Western sanctions crippling Iran’s economy and threatening the insular Islamic republic with societal collapse, the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has launched a Kickstarter page to revive the country’s nuclear weapons program.

The page aims to raise $50 billion to replace falling oil profits and produce a working nuclear warhead. Ahmadinejad claims the project is fully laid out in the May budget, offering a spreadsheet breaking down the costs as a download from his personal website. He has even turned it into an infographic on his Tumblr page.

Sources within the Islamic republic claim that Mr Ahmadinejad was inspired by Amanda

W

HARRY BALLS INVESTIGATES.

PROGRAM

IRAN’S MISSILE

CROWDSOURCES

AHMADINEJAD

EXCLUSIVE

Now 98% Fact Free.

Defamer

the

HOW TO MAKE IT IN

HIP HOP

IT TAKES MORE THAN JUST A FEW RHYMES TO MAKE IT IN THE AUSTRALIAN HIP HOP SCENE. NICK LUPI FROM SPIT SYNDICATE SHARES THE SACRIFICES AND EXPERIENCES HE’S HAD TO MAKE IT IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WITH E DWA R D LYO N S.

O

ver the last three to four years Australian hip hop has ridden a wave to widespread prominence. A new breed of rapper has emerged, shattering previous stereotypes on their way to firmly embedding the genre into the mainstream awareness. One of the groups at the forefront of this movement has been Spit Syndicate (Nick Lupi and Jimmy Nice), a pair of MCs hailing from the fertile breeding grounds of Australian hip hop, Sydney’s Inner West. Vertigo talked to Lupi (also a graduate of UTS Journalism) about the state of hip hop in Australia, the struggle of being a musician while juggling the day-to-day grind, and the group’s third album, Sunday Gentlemen, that is currently touring nationally.

Lupi agrees that much has changed for the better in the Australian hip hop landscape over the last five years: from increased radio play and media attention to earning its own festival (Come Together), the expansion of artist rosters on record labels, as well as the groundbreaking tours of artists like Drapht (a guest on Sunday Gentlemen), Bliss N Eso, and the Hilltop Hoods. However, Lupi is quick to point out that despite being in a golden age, compared to other areas of Australian music, hip hop is still a relative underdog. Puzzling exclusions from major festival slots, a minor overseas presence, and a lack of serious financial backing means the majority of artists have lives outside their rap career: bar jobs and university (law, economics, teaching) just like the rest of us.

32 /

/ ISSUE 4

The attempt to balance these competing commitments is a goal that evidently means a lot to Lupi, who dedicated Sunday Gentlemen to “anybody juggling their artistic pursuits with what must be done to stay afloat”. The title of the album itself is a reference to the publication of works of the same name by writer Irving Wallace in the 1960s. “[Wallace] spent much of his life working for other people out of necessity, on projects he had no personal interest in. But he kept one day out of the week – Sunday – for himself, to work solely on his own writing and articulate the world around him as he saw it,” he explains.

It’s a somewhat similar story for Lupi who recounts the sacrifices he made with regard to career aspirations and travel, and the personal conflict of seeing his friends move into the workforce and make their way up the corporate ladder, countered with his experiences of the electrifying atmosphere of the many live shows, and the overwhelmingly positive support of fans. Only a few days before departing on Spit Syndicate’s biggest tour yet, a seven-week all capital cities and regional centres marathon, he still had to organise time off work and save enough to pay rent while they’re away.

The tour can be seen as an extension of the original aims of the new album: to develop the group and its image – which means more tickets sold, more new listeners reached, more radio plays, and greater media attention. Now in their mid-20s,

SPIT SYNDICATE’S ALBUM SUNDAY GENTLEMAN IS OUT NOW. THEY’LL BE PLAYING AT COME TOGETHER ON JUNE 8 AT LUNA PARK.

the adrenaline and elation of playing buzzing live shows, and the experience of those priceless moments on stage, is no longer enough for the group to be satisfied. No longer fresh-out-of-highschool teenagers where performing, touring, recording and radio play are much of a novelty, a degree of seriousness and a businesslike attitude is understandable given the time and effort devoted to the new album (let alone the previous two).

A relatively new experience for the group has been the use of their own studio, shared with close friends and One Day Crew compatriots, Horrorshow. When asked if this has had any impact on the process of preparing the album, Lupi’s response was telling; a physical space to call their own has contributed enormously to the professional way they have approached the album, he says, as well as giving their confidence and artistic identity a huge boost. Listening to him recount the last three years you get the feeling Sunday Gentlemen is Spit Syndicate’s most mature and considered piece of work yet.

But frustration was evident at the three year gap between the release of each of their albums, in light of the battle contemporary musicians face to stay afloat in the fast-paced world of online

music. Rapid turnover of material places high demands on artists to regularly release new songs, mixtapes, film clips, promotional and live videos, and maintain a visible social media presence. Lupi is quick to recognize the patience and loyalty of Spit Syndicate’s listeners who have come along for the ride and ultimately have been the reason they’ve made it this far.

The album itself lives up to, and exceeds, expectations.

The high quality of guests reads like an Australian hip hop A-list: Drapht, Solo, M-Phazes, and Illy all make impressive appearances. The lyrical content is intelligent and thoughtprovoking; ranging from personal ‘Same Storey’, politically charged ‘Kill That Noise’, as well as the standard party track ‘Sip It Slow’. The eclectic production ranges from traditional hip hop backbeat bangers ‘Amazing’ to more delicately crafted instrumental accompaniment ‘Coffee Shop’. The versatility in the music and delivery of Lupi and Nice creates an end product accessible to any music listener. The resulting overall vibe is refreshingly down to earth: songs that tell honest stories of life scenarios that are easy to relate to, told by young men doing all they can to chase their dreams.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 33

HIPSTER AUTHORS: COOKING WITH MURAKAMI

IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? BOOK

THEATRE

HUNGRY? TERRIFIED? CONTEMPLATING THE QUIET AGONY OF BEING? SAMUEL MILLSOM MAY HAVE FOUND JUST THE RIGHT HIPSTER AUTHOR FOR YOU.

Y

ou’ve probably seen a hipster book somewhere; the covers usually feature an image of something quite bizarre, like a toad after it’s been hit with a golf club.

Well, most hipster books come with a hipster author, which, to quote the hipster elite, “you’ve probably never heard of.”

So whether you know them, love them or can’t understand what the hell they’re on about, here’s a quick guide to understanding hipster authors. And what better way to do that than by focusing on one of the most prolific

1. Take frozen snow peas out of the packet. Proceed to roll them in natural sea salt. Don’t be afraid to contemplate the significance and hyper-reality of rolling frozen snow peas in natural sea salt.

2. Where does this sea salt come from?

Can the sea salt feel emotion? Did it have a sea salt family? Do YOU have a sea salt family you don’t know about?

3. As you are rolling the snow peas, think about the importance of thinking about snow peas.

4. Relish the snow peas in an extended tangent about a single, yet highly relevant, memory about rolling snow peas in sea salt. Don’t be afraid to romanticise the act of rolling snow peas into an epiphany about the bleak loneliness of life itself.

5. You were a lonely child, weren’t you?

You’re nothing like those peas – sitting together looking smug because they walk life’s road together.

6. Ignore the talking sheep in the corner of the room; if you listen to him you’ll find yourself stuck in an impenetrable dimension of blackness.

7. When the cat starts talking to you about any Freudian mishaps in your childhood, listen to it. That kitty can also give you some great tips about your snow peas.

of hipster authors, Haruki Murakami. Making the real seem surreal, Murakami remains one of Japan’s most noted literary exports, with a writing style that is part recipe book, part mescalin-induced drug trip.

In true Murakami style, here is a brief step-by-step process to help you understand what’s really going on in those hipster book club meetings. We’ll use the act of preparing some yummy edamame, just like they do in a Murakami novel:

8. Contemplate the loneliness of each pea inside every one of your snow peas; they share the same devoid life as you do.

9. DON’T LISTEN TO THE TALKING SHEEP. He wants your snow peas.

10. Take a break from all this thinking and go outside to gaze at the moon.

11. Think about how the moon is lonely.

Don’t you feel lonely too?

12. Oh wait, apparently there’s a second smaller moon that’s just appeared next to the regular moon. That sheep is beginning to make a lot more sense.

13. Talk to the sheep. As it begins to make you hallucinate, embrace the fact that when you come back your edamame won’t know the pain you hide.

14. Your edamame is getting soggy; but I guess it doesn’t matter because you’re hallucinating.

15. Remember that time you were walking down some busy street and that person who seemed interesting caught your eye? Well yeah, that person was actually your soul mate and was preparing edamame at the exact same time as you were.

16. After realising your epiphany, return to your snow peas. The snow peas will always be there for you.

17. Stand outside and smile as it begins to snow in the middle of summer.

Sip whiskey.

THE ROSIE PROJECT

ONE MAN, TWO GUVNORS

The Rosie Project is the debut novel from Australian writer Graeme Simsion and is a rather unconventional romantic comedy. The novel follows Don Tillman’s innocuous quest for a wife. Tillman, a 40-year-old genetics professor at Melbourne University seems to be unlucky in love, despite his likeness to Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird, and from early on, it is obvious that Tillman is not your average protagonist.

Through his hyper-articulate narration and awkward interactions with female characters, it is obvious that Tillman is on the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum and, despite having lectured on the genetic aspects of Aspergers syndrome, remains oblivious to his own symptoms.

Tillman treats “The Wife Project” with relentless focus and amusing objectivity. To maximise efficiency he compiles a questionnaire to eliminate unsuitable candidates.

Meanwhile, Tillman’s friend sets him up on a date with Rosie Jarman under the pretense that she has completed his somewhat sexist survey. Jarman, a feminist and PhD student, is oblivious to Tillman’s quest yet seems to possess all the characteristics of an unsuitable romantic interest.

She’s a bit grunge, a little manic, always late, and to Tillman’s horror, a smoker. However Jarman is on a quest of her own − a quest to find her biological father − and thanks to Tillman’s expertise in DNA, an unlikely friendship is born.

Overall, the novel is an enjoyable read, despite the predictable ending. Although the emotionless, straightforward narration is humorous at first, the effect is tedious towards the final pages of the novel. Simsion draws a fine line between Tillman’s idiosyncrasies and caricaturing the disorder. Despite these few flaws, The Rosie Project is a well rounded piece of fiction with a fresh voice and new insight into the world of someone with Aspergers.

One Man, Two Guvnors has come to our shores from Britain, bringing with it some pretty high expectations. The play, an adaption of the 18th century comedy The Servant of Two Masters by Carlo Goldoni, was wildly successful back home, receiving the kind of universal critical acclaim that British people seldom give to anything.

Watching the play, you can see why. It’s pure, unadulterated British comedy, to the point of self-parody.

There’s a live skiffle band onstage. There are jokes about Margaret Thatcher. There is the word ‘guvnor’ in the title.

Every character speaks in the most outrageous British accent that they can possibly muster. And the effect of this Snatchmeets-Benny-Hill-meets-John-Cleese-meets-Italian-farce style is incredibly funny, almost in spite of itself.

The playwright, Richard Bean, has finally found something that he can really sink his teeth into. His pantomime-like ability to ramp up energy really sparks here, as supported by a very well chosen cast.

The star of the show is undoubtedly Owain Arthur, who plays the harlequin main character, Francis Henshall.

Arthur’s performance is a masterpiece of comic acting in its physicality, energy and warmth. He really shines in the audience participation sections, which under any less of an actor could easily have felt clunky and indeed, almost cruel. On that note, people uncomfortable with audience participation should definitely avoid the front row, and should definitely not bring a sandwich.

This play won’t change the world, and it doesn’t maintain its energy in the second act. However, it is a fantastic night out that is almost certain to make you laugh to the point of hiccups.

One Man, Two Guvnors is playing until May 11 at Sydney Theatre.

- CAROLINE CONNAIRE

- JOE MCKENZIE

BLUESFEST BYRON BAY 2013 MANU CHAO LA VENTURA (OPPOSITE PAGE), FAT FREDDY’S DROP (LEFT), THE LUMINEERS (TOP), TAJ MAHAL TRIO (BOTTOM LEFT), LISMORE LANTERN PARADE (BOTTOM RIGHT).

BLUESFEST STEPHANIE KING

W

e fly along the freeway fuelled by Fleetwood Mac, Fantales and fancy; lax-ligamented, ebullient, grinning like chimps and then SHLOOM: we’re sucked into the dome of tepid, stagnant mank-air waiting behind the ‘Welcome to Sydney’ sign. Suddenly it’s all, “O should we or shouldn’t we tax the fabulously wealthy?; O Shmillard said bloop about Rabbit; O media mogul calls people on ethics, ha!; O Premier takes Luna Park for his pad-de-heli, whoopsie!; O Kim Jong-un FRIENDLY PLEDGES TO ANNIHILATE THE UNIVERSE.” Right. Hokay. Umm… woah? WOAH WORLD. HOLD UP WORLD. SHIT. FUCKBALLS. RIGHT. SO— Take me back to Neverland?

Bluesfest, in case you hadn’t gathered, is Neverland, second to the right and then straight on ‘til morning. And not just as an escapist bubble from the mainland, but as a magical place in its own right, a place of childish energy, whimsy, optimism, jubilation.

Not that everyone there is young, no sir, it ain’t no underage foamtoga-orangutanned Future Music party here. Plenty of old folk, old folk ahpuhlenty—plenty of young ones too—point is, years are inconsequential; rather than never growing up, in Blueverland, they’re all goddang good at growing down.

Case in point: Paul Simon’s (THE Paul Simon) set, Monday, 8:15pm. Separated from my peeps, no battery; never fear, chilled out little solo end-of-day-five kind of boogie-cumexhausted-sag-with-the-odd-twitch-masquerading-as-a-semibop is always an option. Yeah? No. Not so.

Opening song: ‘Gumboots’. Off the politically controversial

36 /

/ ISSUE 4

yet musically sublime Gracelands. ‘Gumboots’! In the customary Easter Tygarah bog! Good one, Pauly. I have a kind of cultural amnesia surrounding the precise catalyst moment, but I was suddenly conscious of the fact that I was spinning, stomping, shaking it with an octogenarian in a shirt buttoned up to his chin. Then being twirled, being dipped, being sweated on by an impossibly perfect, near-naked Byron beauty. Then being dosey-doed by a country lad, the most upright of corporates, and a small nymph child. Having my butt bongoed by a breastastic hoochie mama. And… I loved it.

I looked around and to my relief this was not some cliquey pocket of ironic young people with in-jokes and Indian headdresses, randoms going troppo on substances, natural or synthetic. This was a mob, a nebulous movement of 30ish individual, and previously unrelated, humans leaving their loved ones and, as one, swirling non-obnoxiously through a jam-packed tent, MAGICAL as that naïve delight one gets in the suspended moment before one realises a flash-mob is a flashmob, except that the deflating penny-drop never comes. Woah.

And I was bone sober.

Such was the Blueverfever over five days. Was it the music?

Yes: THAT line up. There’s no denying what the promise of Paul Simon, Robert Plant, Ben Harper, Santana, Iggy Pop, Steve Miller, Counting Crows, Wilco, Status Quo, Rodriguez, Jimmy Cliff, Rufus Wainwright and Roger Hodgson of Supertramp will do to a person and their waters, let alone 17 500 people (per day) and their 17 500 waters.

When it came to it, all the supergiants were, well, super.

Rodriguez, the “Latino Dylan” was humble and amazing, delighting crowds with his famous ‘Sugar Man’, and further proving his depth and value as a songwriter with some of his less known work.

Santana fired up the crowds with his distinctive Latin pop guitar, particularly with well loved older favourites like ‘Oye Como Va’.

Status Quo showed no signs of age vocally, and they were both cheeky and pretty damn wild. Though their choreographed steptaps were a bit cute, their hit ‘Down Down’ brought fans old and new together to rock out – even if the newbies only understood the sum of their cultural significance to be the ever artful Coles ads. Pioneer of the stage-dive, Iggy Pop was… Iggy Pop. But you’ve gotta hand it to him: the guy is tremendous at it. With a constant sense of danger (will he kill himself, someone else, or this song? Thankfully, none of the above), his set was exhilarating and alive with The Stooges behind him reminding us of their technical mastery. Robert Plant, joined by The Sensational Space Shifters, also worked his magic with classics like ‘Whole Lotta Love’; however the man transcended Led Zeppelin’s hits, evolving, experimenting, magnetic - a true musician.

Grace Potter blew everyone’s brains out with that voice(!) and that energy(!) and that sex appeal. Grey Ghost was in the minority representing Australian hip hop artists, and is a real find with his distinctive beat-poetry-esque sound and inspired lyrics. Ben Caplan would have to be one of the best finds, with his extraordinary Tom-Waits-esque growl matched with quick wit and ingenious song writing, charming from a shagpile of beard/

PHOTOGRAPHY: STEPHANIE KING hair/mane with glasses. Pocket rocket Manu Chao was absolute dynamite, with his unique fiery circus mania that has crowds totally frenzied.

However, there is only one Peter Pan of Blueverland. And that is Nicky Bomba. Familiar to most as John Butler’s drummer, Nicky Bomba has a host of his own projects of differing rhythms from all corners of the world, and is generally invited to play with multiple groups each year. This year, we were treated to his high energy 30-odd piece Melbourne Ska Orchestra, which he conducts (via manic dancing) through covers from The Wailers to The Specials and everything in between, and Nicky Bomba’s Bustamento, a tropical six-piece which brings rhythms from the Caribbean (calypso, mento, early reggae) and lyrics about coconuts. Curls spilling out from his fedora, he is a kid in a grown-man’s body. On whom I crush. Hard.

Aside from a line up which has it ranked alongside Glastonbury and Montreux Jazz Festival at international awards, there’s just something in the water at the purpose-built Tyagarah Tea Tree Farm site. The artists know it, with comments every set about the magic of the festival and surrounds, and prospective acts now lining up for festival director Peter Noble and not the other way around. And the audience knows it too. Bluesfest is about music, about change, about optimism, humanism and hope – a utopia of sorts, a Neverland.

Next year is the 25th anniversary. Get there. Just do it.

How to fly?

“You just think happy thoughts, they lift you into the air.”

ISSUE 4 /

/ 37

BORED STUPID?!

RESIDENT ASTROLOGER SALLY COLEMAN PLANNED ON PROVIDING AN EXCLUSIVE TAROT READING FOR YOU THIS MONTH, BUT WAS UNABLE TO FIND HER CARDS. INSTEAD, SHE USED THE MYSTIC POWERS OF WIKIPEDIA’S ‘RANDOM ARTICLE’ BUTTON TO DISCOVER WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR YOU. * TAURUS 19 April – 20 May

“Hooghoudt is a Dutch producer of several alcoholic beverages.”

Ah, Hooghoudt, that’s one of Wikipedia’s Major Arcana. The Major Arcana symbolise universal aspects of human experience and represent the archetypes of human nature. Clearly, this indicates that you’ll get really drunk sometime this month. Either that or you’ll go to Holland.

GEMINI 20 May – 21 June

“The Arsenal Supporters’ Trust is the official supporters’ trust of Arsenal Football Club, as recognised by Supporters Direct.”

The keyword here is ‘foot’, followed by ‘arse’. As in, start pulling your weight in that group assignment, Gemini, before someone puts their foot up your arse.

CANCER 20 May – 21 June

“Homalopoma baculum, common name the Berry Dwarf Turban, is a species of small sea snail with calcareous opercula, a marine gastropodmollusk in the family Colloniidae.”

As a uni student, you’re familiar with the Berry Dwarf Turban, but in Wikimantic lore it represents a time of introspection and solitude. Beware of getting stuck in a lift.

LEO 22 July – 22 August

“‘The Camera Never Lies’ is a jazz vocal album by Michael Franks, released in 1987 with Warner Bros. Records.”

The camera never, ever lies. So this month, if you catch yourself thinking it would be a great idea to wear your Mum’s old aerobics leotard to that 80s themed party, don’t.

38 / / ISSUE 4

VIRGO 23 August – 22 September

“‘The Cullercoats Fish Lass’ is a folk song, written by Edward Corvan, originally printed as a broadside in 1862 and collated in ‘Allan’s Illustrated Edition of Tyneside Songs and Readings’ in 1891.”

I think this pretty much speaks for itself.

SCORPIO 23 October – 22 November

“Mycoplasma meleagridis is a small bacteria responsible for air sacculitis and disorders of the musculoskeletal and reproductive systems in turkeys.”

This month, use a condom, you turkey.

SAGIT TARIUS 22 November – 21 December

“The third season of CSI: Miami premiered on CBS on September 20, 2004.”

Sometimes returning to something – a relationship, a creative work or a half-eaten sandwich – can mean seeing it with fresh eyes. But if it’s not a case of ‘third time lucky’, it might be a case of ‘eww, mould’.

AQUARIUS 20 January – 18 February

“The true seals or earless seals are one of the three main groups of mammals within the seal superfamily, Pinnipedia.”

The only ‘true Seal’ is on The Voice, so expect a vocal month ahead. Don’t be afraid to make yourself heard.

P.S. If you’ve got a friend called Rose, kiss her.

PISCES 18 February - 20 March

“In knot theory, a branch of mathematics, a twist knot is a knot obtained by repeatedly twisting a closed loop and then linking the ends together.”

You’ve got plenty to look forward to, Pisces – this article represents accomplishments, improvement, positive changes and new additions to your life, KNOT!!

ARIES 20 March– 19 April

“Rakoto Frah (1923–2001) was a flutist and composer of traditional music of the central highlands of Madagascar.”

The themes of ‘tradition’ and ‘highlands’ in this article indicate you’ll find fulfilment using your natural talents. Don’t pretend you don’t have any — maybe you’re really good at sneezing quietly or reading Vertigo.

CAPRICORN 21 December – 20 January

“Campus SuperStar is a Singaporean television music competition to find new singing talent.”

It’s not like you need any more talent, Capricorn, but you might need to start wearing bigger sunglasses. This page tells me that your excellent grades in your favourite tute might lead to hoards of screaming fans.

*For some reason, whenever Sally pressed the ‘Random Article’ button for Libra, it always came up as a page for tampons. We didn’t want to upset Andrew Bolt with gratuitous vaginarelated content, so we left it out.

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.

Play Sudoku and win prizes

at:

prizesudoku.com

The Sudoku Source of

“Vertigo”.

ISSUE 4 /

/ 39

SA REPORTS

SA REPORTS

LYNDAL BUTLER PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENT ASSOCIATION

LUCY BONANNO EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

Hey there,

Hey hey hey, how y’all be?

I hope you’re feeling rested and rejuvenated after VC Week and ready to tackle the rest of semester. There’s plenty still to come this semester, which is why we’re still fighting to make sure you get the best deal for your education at uni!

The week beginning April 29 is Blue Stockings Week. This is a week to celebrate women in higher education. You can find out more about the week and the events hosted by the Students’ Association in Lucy’s report opposite.

Do you study Honours? Have you ever considered studying Honours? Universities around the country are considering scaling back Honours to transition to the ‘Bologna Model’. The Bologna Model is named after the University of Bologna in Italy which first adopted a model of education that offers a different pathway to a PhD: three years undergraduate study, two years postgraduate Masters and then a three year PhD. In Australia we have the option of studying one year of Honours before doing a PhD. However, Honours is now in jeopardy because it’s not as ‘globally competitive’ as the Bologna model. As a result, the university sector is now agitating to remove the Honours program.

Unfortunately, removing the Honours option for students presents a number of problems. Many students, especially students at technology universities like UTS, aren’t planning on taking a PhD. Undertaking a two year Masters degree keeps you out of the workforce for an extra year, which means another year of supporting yourself while studying, and graduating with a less competitive degree than your peers because you can’t graduate with Honours in your undergrad degree.

What do you think about this change? You can find out more and get involved in this issue by joining the Education Action Group, or by sending me an email.

Don’t forget to like our Facebook page to find out more about the Students’ Association, our upcoming events and campaigns on campus. Just go to: http://www.facebook. com/UTSSA Wishing you all the best with your upcoming assessments, catch you around campus soon!

EMAIL: sapresident2013@uts.edu.au

Survived round one of exams and assignments for 2013?

Nice work!

It’s good to see you back on campus. It was rather quiet over the exam block – I almost had time to study. Anyway, let me update you on all the other jazz going on around campus.

Wom*n in Education (two of my favourite things) Blue Stockings Week is a celebration of wom*n in higher education named after the blue stockings worn by educated wom*n to mock their male counterparts in the 1900s.

Nowadays, there is about a 50/50 male to female ratio in higher education in the first world, so there is plenty to celebrate. The UTS Wom*n’s Collective is hosting some fantastic events to celebrate all wom*n in higher education, from ambitious wom*n to wom*n in the work force. Blue Stockings Week begins on Monday April 29 and I strongly suggest you get involved and/or encourage all your female friends to get on board by contacting the Wom*n’s Collective.

Alternatively just check the UTS Students’ Association Facebook page for updates.

The Art of Sharehouse Living Moving out of home? Already moved out and confused as to why you are now sharing with three people that were certainly not in your room when you moved in? Or perhaps you’d like to know more about where to seek medical advice and who bulk bills? Well, our Welfare Collective is putting on several forums to answer your questions about the challenges of living out of home.

40 /

/ ISSUE 4

They’ll cover topics like renting, sharing apartments, dealing with roommates, keeping safe, securing the best financial safety and ensuring you can cook, clean and take care of yourself, like a real grown up proper person and all. You can find the details on the SA Facebook page. We’re aiming to have six forums beginning in May and please RSVP just so we don’t overcrowd the lecture hall.

Meet Your Student Reps Last, but certainly not least, the Student Representative Network has started regular meetings again for 2013. If you are on a representative board you should come along (ANSWER YOUR EMAILS) or if you’re thinking about getting involved with anything of that nature, you are more than welcome to join us. It’s a great opportunity to learn a bit about how the university works internally and how you can go about making changes.

Perhaps you haven’t pick up on this yet, but all the cool stuff we do is on the Facebook page and most of our collectives have private groups and email lists. To get involved with any of these, shoot us an email at Students.Association@uts. edu.au, or come by and talk to either myself or el Presidente, Lyndal. We can get you in contact with the relevant officer, and chances are that person is probably sitting around the office eating pide with us.

EMAIL: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com

ISSUE 4 /

/ 41

COLLECTIVES

ALANA WEST UTS ENVIRO OFFICER

JESS XU UTS ETHNO-CULTURAL OFFICER

The beginning of 2013 has seen the ramping up of community campaigns against the destruction of our environment.

All over the country people are standing up against governments and industries that are putting the greed of corporations before the Australian public. The UTS Enviro Collective is proud to have been among those fighting for our environment, our farmers, our health, our climate and our future.

Just a couple of weeks into the semester, members of UTS Enviro Collective along with other Sydney residents went to the Leard State Forest where concerned citizens have set up a blockade. The blockade has been running for eight months now and is not set to stop until the creation of one new coal mine by Whitehaven Coal and the expansion of one existing coal mine are stopped.

Members of the UTS Enviro Collective also recently travelled to Newcastle to be a part of a 1500 person rally against T4, the proposed fourth coal terminal to be built in Newcastle port. The Collective will continue to campaign on this issue in the future.

As UTS gets back into the swing of things, the UTS Enviro Collective will be getting involved in many more off-campus campaigns. Our on-campus campaign for 2013 is beginning to take shape and will be announced very soon. Come join us and get involved in enviromental and social justice issues on and off campus. We meet every Monday at 3pm in the back room of the Students’ Association.

The Ethno-cultural Collective, a modest but growing group, started the semester by meeting some awesome students on O’ Day who added to our calendar of celebrations. We started to learn about the diversity of cultural and religious events that are important in our UTS community. We hope this will develop into future multicultural and interfaith events in collaboration with other clubs and societies.

We also had our first meet and greet event in Week Two where we talked about who the Collective is for and brainstormed the role of the Collective this year. Although ethno-cultural sounds like one of those confusing academic words you only find in readings, it really just means anyone of a culturally diverse background. So if your background is of a minority of any country, then the Ethno-cultural Collective is for you.

We screened the documentary – Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea – that follows the experiences of asylum seekers before they reach Australian shores to face our unjust and discriminatory immigration policy. After discussing the inhumanity of racist political rhetoric and refugee laws, we look forward to working with the Anti-Racism Club on antidiscrimination campaigns.

So please join us in spreading multicultural understanding and eliminating racism at UTS and beyond.

There are regular updates about events and ethnoculturally relevant issues on Facebook at UTSSA Ethnocultural Collective or email us.

EMAIL: utsethnocultural@gmail.com

42 /

/ ISSUE 4