EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story
CONTRIBUTORS Sarah Attfield Dominic Barlow Eliza Berlage James Bourne Kieran Boyd Emily Brownlee Luke Cooper Steph Di Val Lucy Faerber Zachary Goldberg
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Mark Outridge
CONTENTS
ART & DESIGN Minh Bui Sunyoung Hwang Catherine Lao ADVERTISING Stephanie King COVER IMAGE Hannah Power
The Graduate Whitney Higginson Evie Kennedy Alex Johnson Patricia La Manna Samuel Millsom Maya Rose Azi Wallmeyer Alison Whittaker Justin Wolfers
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CAMBODIA UNCOVERED
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OUR THANK YOUS Kevin Parker David O’Doherty Sudafed Thrift shops ABC iView No Doz Mum The mysterious fluffy black bunny that keeps turning up in my garden Gin AND FUCK YOUS Literature reviews UTS Love Letters Technology The flu Deadlines Spreadsheets Masterchef Australia UTS-WPA
WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nasty organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.
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SHOWCASE: ZACHARY GOLDBERG
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LESLEY ARFIN SAYS WHAT SHE THINKS
EDITORIAL CALENDAR UTS DEEPER INSIDER SO YOU NEED AN ABORTION “NICE SOUTHERN CROSS TATTOO, MATE,” SAID NO ONE, EVER WITH LOVE FROM SYDNEY EDUCATION REVOLUTION DOWN THE GURGLER? SOAPBOX THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: RELAPSE GROWN UP SEX ED: A (RELATIVELY) COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO CONTRACEPTION TEN GLOBETROTTING MUST HAVES A POX ON POP CULTURE: NON-BELIEBER STREET STYLE ROADTEST: OLD SCHOOL PROCRASTINATION DEFAMER SHOWCASE: THE UTS WRITERS’ ANTHOLOGY 24 OCCASIONS WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING TOO OLD FOR FESTIVALS IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? THRONESCOPES BORED STUPID?! SA REPORTS
Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com.au for enquiries
Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders. Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40 000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition of and compensation for past injustices.
EDITORIAL
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hy hello there, We know there are two certainties in life: death and taxes. Except maybe we ought to make that three: death, taxes and end of semester exams (or for the Communication kids, assessments worth 50%). It’s a grueling time of year, coloured by a disproportionate amount of tears, cans of energy drink and KFC snack boxes. We do what we can to get by. That’s why we here at Vertigo have made a magazine for the procrastinators out there. We’re here to help, not only by giving you something to read in your study ‘breaks’, but also by giving you loads of holiday content. Plus, Vertigo doubles as a chic winter blanket, for those long nights spent sleeping in Markets Block A in one of those weird wall nooks, or on the far comfier Broadway couches. Although you may be used to reaching for your smartphone when you want to procrastinate, there is such a thing as battery life. So if your phone dies but you still can’t bear writing notes for Marketing class, we’ve roadtested some old school procrastination methods to get you through. And if you’re always thinking about jetting off to distant lands, we have a piece on the best places to travel in Cambodia, and a travel essentials centrefold from Kieran Boyd. On the arts and culture side of things, we’ve got comics from Zachary Goldberg, Alex Johnson weighing in on the Bieber-Frank debacle, and a UTS Writers’ Anthology showcase. It’s released on Friday and is peppered with Vertigo alumni; it’s worth a read. On a more serious note (after all, this is The ‘We Need to Talk’ Edition), lecturer and cultural studies aficionado Sarah Attfield gave us the scoop on the National Tertiary Education Union, and the implications of funding cuts on our education. We’ve also got a spread about abortion from Lucy Faerber and Evie Kennedy because you deserve to know what your options are if you or your partner are faced with an unexpected, and possibly unwanted, pregnancy. Add to that a relatively comprehensive guide to your contraception options and you’re ready to take control of your procreative life. As always, feel free to drop us a line at editorial@utsvertigo. com.au to tell us your thoughts or to harass us for making too many bad jokes. We’re sorry. Really.
CALENDAR WEEK 12
WEEK 13
WEEK 14
MONDAY 20TH MAY
MONDAY 27TH MAY
MONDAY 3RD JUNE
5TH ISSUE OF VERTIGO HITS THE STANDS TODAY
4D EVENT: GOVERNMENT 1PM @ AERIAL UTS FUNCTION CENTRE
UTS GREEN WEEK
NATIONAL DJ COMP @ THE BERESFORD
FRIDAY 24TH MAY UTS WRITERS’ ANTHOLOGY LAUNCH 4PM @ SYDNEY WRITERS’ FESTIVAL, WALSH BAY
SATURDAY 25TH MAY VIVID FESTIVAL BEGINS
WEDNESDAY 29TH MAY SNAPBACK 7:30PM @ NEWTOWN HOTEL
FRIDAY 31ST MAY FINDERS KEEPERS MARKETS 6PM @ AUSTRALIAN TECHNOLOGY PARK
SUNDAY 2ND JUNE
WEDNESDAY 5TH JUNE SYDNEY FILM FESTIVAL BEGINS
THURSDAY 6TH JUNE ANGELS IN AMERICA PART ONE 8PM @ BELVOIR ST THEATRE
FRIDAY 7TH JUNE GAY PARIS 8PM @ THE ANNANDALE
LAST DAY OF THE ARCHIBALD PRIZE @ ART GALLERY OF NSW
Sending you our love and study snacks, Hannah and The Vertigo Team
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UTS DEEPER INSIDER WHEN NEWS (OR A CRANE) BREAKS, TURN TO PAGE 6 FOR ALL THE CAMPUS NEWS, GOSSIP, AND DOWNRIGHT SLANDER THAT’LL LAST A THREE-WEEK PRINT RUN.
NO CLUB FOR YOU The UTS Union has refused to affiliate itself with the UTS chapter of the Australian Chinese Youth Association (ACYA). The apolitical, not-for-profit society aims to foster bilateral relations and networking opportunities between Australian and Chinese students and has two active chapters at UNSW and USYD. However the UTS Union Clubs and Societies Officer, Laura Earl, rejected the club’s application on the grounds that it was too similar to an existing group on campus, the Chinese Students and Scholars Association (CSSA), and that the Union didn’t want to, and would “never have two Chinese clubs on campus”. According to the ACYA founders, the Union then advised them to team up with the existing Union-affiliated CSSA to make “one big Chinese students group”. Earl said, “If they wanted to start a general Australian-Chinese group, it would definitely be something we can consider. I’m all for building relationships between Australian and Chinese students but we won’t do it under an external organisation’s name.” The founders of the UTS ACYA found the Union’s suggestion impractical due to the intrinsically different aims of the two clubs. The CSSA, in contrast to the ACYA, serves mainly to support Chinese nationals studying overseas. It is an external organisation which receives a bulk of its funding from the Chinese government,
whose society executive must be approved by government officials and whose website is almost exclusively written in Chinese. The on-campus rejection of the locally founded ACYA is notable, given the steps taken by UTS Council this year to solidify UTS’ connections to Chinese universities (as reported in the last edition of Vertigo) through exchange partnerships and greater patronage. ACYA is now looking into other university channels like the BUiLD program and the International Studies Faculty to receive official backing.
FOR WANT OF BETTER WI-FI Wi-Fi in UTS student housing is expected to improve following a Q and A forum held by the university’s IT staff in April. The upgrade comes after several students complained to the SRC about the dire state of the wireless Internet service in student accommodation. IT staff are now in the process of installing new wireless infrastructure based on a micro-cell model which will supposedly overcome connection issues faced by students. “Student housing is a very difficult environment for wireless. Each student on average now has three or four devices consuming IP address space. There’s a lot of interference,” said IT senior network supervisor, Malik Sharafutdinov.
Currently there is no indication of when noticeable improvements will be made or when the upgrade will be completed.
FEMINIST WRITER ‘DEAN’ED APPROPRIATE The new Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Social Science (FASS), Professor Mary Spongberg, commenced her four year term at UTS this month. The cultural historian is replacing Professor Theo van Leeuwen has held the position since 2005 and will now continue working at UTS as a faculty professor. Prof. Spongberg was appointed as the new Dean after spending the past 18 years working as the Associate Dean of Research of FASS at Macquarie University. The appointment is perhaps good news for feminists as the academic has a keen interest in the history of feminism, women’s historical writing and the history of body sexuality. She also previously held the position of National Health and Medical Research post-doctoral fellow in Women’s Studies at the University of Sydney. Prof. Spongberg is actively involved in feminist academia, having edited Australian Feminist Studies and written several books on feminism-related topics. Notable titles include Writing Women’s History Since the Renaissance and Feminising Venereal Disease. We didn’t even know that you could feminise venereal disease.
BLOW YOUR WHISTLE BABY, WHISTLE, BABY, LET US KNOW. SEND YOUR OFF-THE-RECORD TIP OFFS TO FRANCES@ UTSVERTIGO.COM.AU
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ABORTION FACT SHEET In comparison to the rest of the world, it would appear that Australia is (legally) somewhat more progressive when it comes to abortion. Evie Kennedy gives you a brief guide to how each state deals with The Big A, whether it’s by copying their neighbours or making their own rules (Canberra, anyone?).
SO YOU NEED AN ABORTION ABORTION IS A MEDICAL PROCEDURE SHROUDED BY TABOO AND IGNORANCE. LUCY FAERBER CUTS THROUGH THE CRAP TO DEEPEN YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
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ou may need an abortion or you may not. Either way, it’s important to be informed: if you’re a woman, chances are you’re going to have some kind of pregnancy scare in your lifetime. If you’re a man, this issue affects you too. Or more accurately, you affect it. Men largely influence the legislation surrounding women’s reproductive rights around the world, so don’t go running just because you scanned this and saw the word ‘vagina’. If you’re mature enough to poke around in one, you’re mature enough to read about your actions’ potential aftermath. First thing’s first. If you are in need of an abortion, don’t go a-Googling for support. You’re going to run into a mess of websites misrepresenting themselves as fact-based forums, when they are in fact laced with propaganda. There will be a sly emphasis on possible prosecution, the expense of the procedure, and the option of giving a ‘special gift’ to a childless family. They might also tell you that abortion leads to breast cancer – but this is an outright lie. There is absolutely no proof that an abortion can cause breast cancer. An abortion is the termination of a pregnancy, a choice that allows a woman the right to decide when and if she wishes to have children. Abortion is not only about a fetus. It is about the woman carrying it, and any consequences that it may have on her life. Her education, living situation and economic status could all potentially be affected. If you are the woman in question who is seeking an abortion, there are a few things you need to know. Under New South Wales law, abortions are not available on demand. Legally, you need to prove that the continuation of your pregnancy will cause you financial or psychological distress. Given that you are a uni student, this will not be difficult. All abortions come with a mandatory counseling session, which will then provide the necessary legal
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document stating your need for a termination. The best place to start is with your own doctor, who can refer you to an abortion clinic, taking your medical history into account. If you do not wish to discuss this with your doctor, it is possible to make an appointment with an abortion clinic without a referral. The clinic will provide you with a compulsory counseling session and an ultrasound to confirm the stage of your pregnancy. The price of an abortion is approximately $700, including an ultrasound, with a Medicare rebate of $415. So you’re still looking at being $285 out of pocket. There are two types of abortion: surgical and medical. If you are less than 12 weeks pregnant, the abortion will take around five to ten minutes. At 12-16 weeks it will take a little longer, and both will be a surgical abortion. More commonly known as a D&C (dilation and curettage, which is also carried out after miscarriage), this involves the use of a suction curette, a small instrument attached to tubing, which will draw away any gestation tissue from the uterus. A blunter way of describing this instrument is as a tiny vacuum that will suck the fetus out of your uterus. Terminations at 16-20 weeks will require two appointments over two consecutive days. On the first day your cervix will be prepared for the abortion, and the next day, after the cervix has dilated, the abortion will be performed with a suction curettage. In both cases you will then be observed for two hours in the clinic in case of hemorrhage. After a surgical abortion, you cannot drive yourself home, and it is advisable to have someone supportive with you. The pain will likely be minimal. If you choose a local anesthetic, the pain will be similar to menstrual cramps. You do have the option to be sedated and sleep through the procedure should you wish. Medical abortion involves taking a prescribed medication, Mifepristone (RU486) in conjunction with Misoprostol.
THE TERRITORIES AND WESTERN AUSTRALIA Australian Capital Territorians are liberal folks, and abortion falls under health law there, rather than the criminal code. As long as you get a medical doctor to do the deed, the ACT is pretty chilled. The Northern Territory follows roughly in the footsteps of their friends, Victoria and South Australia, with their cut-off at 14 weeks – unless your life is in danger – then they’ll push it back to 23 weeks because they’re generous. Over in Western Australia they’re a bit ageist: women over 16 can have an abortion up to the 20 week mark of their pregnancy. However, if you’re 16 or under, you should probably get ready to tell your parents because you’ll need their permission.
VICTORIA, SOUTH AUSTRALIA AND TASMANIA Abortion is legal for a limited amount of time in these states. Victoria is cool with any woman attending an abortion clinic up until 24 weeks. After that, two doctors have to deem the procedure appropriate, taking into consideration the same factors NSW does. South Australia is even more lenient; abortion is legal up until week 28 of the pregnancy, however, parental consent is required for women under 16. While Tasmania’s health minister is pushing hard to legalise abortion completely, if you’re a pregnant woman in Tassie, two doctors will decide whether your physical or mental wellbeing is troubled enough for you to end the pregnancy.
You must be under 9 weeks pregnant to have this type of abortion. These medications will induce a miscarriage at home at some time over a period of 72 hours. At the clinic, you will be given Mifepristone, and 24-28 hours later you must take the second dose, which can be taken orally or inserted into the vagina. Misoprostol softens the cervix and assists the uterus in contracting and expelling the fetus. However, a medical abortion may be incomplete and require suction curettage anyway. After two weeks you are required to return to the clinic to make sure that the pregnancy has been terminated. There is a risk of dizziness, nausea, cramps and bleeding. You may also suffer headache, diarrhea and chills. Currently, controversial old RU486 and Misoprostol cost $308. Hopefully once included in the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme, the cost will lower to just $12 for concession card holders and $72 for general patients (even Tony Abbott approves, gasp!). So now you’ve done it. You’ve had the abortion. What now? You might feel terrible. You might feel terrible for not feeling terrible. If you feel that you need to talk to a professional, you absolutely should. The UTS Counselling Service is an invaluable resource. The bottom line is that you should make the right decision for you and your life. And while some would have you believe that your life will forever be full of misery post-abortion, a study from the August
QUEENSLAND AND NEW SOUTH WALES These states are by far the most restrictive when it comes to allowing or disallowing an abortion to proceed. Abortion is only legal in these two states when a doctor deems a woman’s physical and/or mental health to be endangered by having the child. Basically, if giving birth will kill you, or you may want to kill your child if you do give birth, you’re excused. Otherwise, take yourself to the Babywear section of Target; in nine months you’re going to be a mama. Or your other option is to prove that you’re too broke to look after yourself, let alone a living, breathing, tiny human being.
2000 Archives of General Psychiatry says, “most women don’t regret abortion… 80% of women were not depressed after having an abortion. In fact, the rate of depression in the postabortion group was equal to the rate of depression in the general population. As for post-traumatic stress symptoms, the rate was 1% in the post-abortion group compared with an estimated 11% in women of the same age in the general population”. And what, if anything, should you do if you happen to be the partner/boyfriend/one-night-stand? This is one of the most difficult decisions a woman may face in her lifetime, so be supportive and ask her what she needs from you. If she needs a ride to the clinic, make sure she gets there on time. If she needs you to hold her hand, then hold her hand. If she says she needs you to fuck off forever, fuck off forever and do not contact her again. Most importantly, you have the right to a safe abortion. Anyone known to use or procure drugs or instruments to perform an illegal abortion can be punished by the law. So no more coat hangers and no more knitting needles. This is not Vera Drake. There is no need to feel ashamed for requiring a medical procedure. For further information and references, check out the article online at http://www.utsvertigo.com.au/features/soyou-need-an-abortion/ ISSUE 5 /
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With Love From
“NICE SOUTHERN CROSS TATTOO, MATE,” SAID NO ONE, EVER
SALLY COLEMAN WRITES AN OPEN LETTER TO SYDNEY ON BEHALF OF ALL THE KIDS TOO POOR TO ACTUALLY GO ON
WHITNEY HIGGINSON GETS TO THE CORE OF A UNIQUELY AUSTRALIAN PHENOMENON.
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ver the long weekend I got a (second) tattoo. It was my 21st birthday, and while I was not at the point of being white-girl-wasted, I had definitely downed a few drinks prior to this decision. I wanted something that would really represent me and reflect my cultural sensitivity, deep spirituality and femininity. With this in mind, I decided to get a tattoo of the Southern Cross. And what better place to get it than on my neck? It was A-grade employable. So I became one of those people with that tattoo. I became the person who didn’t understand the difference between being a nationalist and being patriotic and I accidentally confused one for the other. Whoops! As a matter of fact, over 50 other countries (most of which no one has even heard of) have the same constellation on their flag. But deep down we know that Australia has always had exclusive ownership of that glorious constellation, and I therefore wanted it permanently imprinted on my skin as a symbol of my ‘Aussie Pride’. Of course, my so-called pride was actually secret bogan-speak for immense racial intolerance and a white elitist mentality. When my sweet neck tattoo was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror and I instantly felt my IQ drop by 43 points. Apparently, everyone else did too. The moment I stepped out onto the street, I lost my intellectual identity. No longer was I a university student with a Distinction average who had already secured a graduate job in my profession. No, I was the bogan bitch with a Southern Cross tattoo on my neck. And boy, did I know it.
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EXCHANGE.
Every set of eyes was on me. And it wasn’t because I looked drop dead fucking gorgeous. People were judging, and despite telling myself that haters were going to hate and that people only judged my tattoo, not my life story, I started to become very uncomfortable. People were staring at my neck and pointing in my direction. Mothers and fathers were giving me disgusted and horrified looks. And despite my friends and I looking totally bangable, guys opted to avoid us until I had covered the tattoo with my hair. I did find the latter to be an act of good judgement. Considering the choice of tattoo and its placement on my body, guys probably thought I had contracted Hep C from a dodgy backyard tattoo job and they were just playin’ it safe. The night eventually got to the point where I just wanted to shout, “IT’S NOT REAL YOU IDIOTS, IT’S A SPRAY ON TATTOO. HAHA, YOU FELL FOR MY STUPID SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.” But I didn’t because I was a) too drunk to articulate my thoughts in an intellectual manner, and b) actually considering getting the tattoo done for real, just for the irony. After experiencing such an eventful night, my advice to you is this: think very, very hard about the tattoos you paint your body with. And don’t ever get a Southern Cross tattoo on your neck because that is worse than simultaneously wearing Crocs and having a rat’s tail. Read more from Whitney at http://www.thebacklog.com.au P.S This tattoo was spray on. I got it to trick my mum into thinking it was permanent and to make her cry over my horrible life decisions.
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his semester, I’m going on exchange to Sydney, Australia. When I first announced this to my friends and family, they were confused. “But you’ve lived in Australia all your life…” they said. “But you already study in Sydney…” they said. But haters gonna hate, and I’m not going to let their lack of faith hold me back. You see, I’ve been living in UTS Student Housing for the last few years. I’ve lived with exchange students from all over the world and watched them make the most of their Australian experience. Every weekend they’d lie on a new beach, or go camping in the Blue Mountains or picnicking in the Botanic Gardens. They’d splash out on festivals, browse art galleries, go on scenic walking tours and visit haunted houses. They’d go to handmade markets, cocktail bars with 360-degree views and trashy nightclubs with themed dress codes. Some of the time, I’d join them. But I lacked the key exchange student motivation – I’m only here once. Going on exchange makes the YOLO factor kick in. However, YOLO reasoning wasn’t always the primary motivation behind student exchange. The modern model of exchange has its origins in the years after WWII, with one of the first major programs being initiated by American ambulance drivers. Cultural exchange programs went on to become popularised during the Cold War, when they
Sydney were frequently used by Soviet and American diplomats to alleviate national tension. Despite this, if you ask a potential exchangee why they want to go overseas, you’re more likely to hear phrases like ‘see the world’, ‘get out of my shell’, ‘meet cool people’, ‘experience a new culture’ and ‘get drunk and fuck babes’. I’M GOING TO LEARN THE HISTORY OF MY LOCAL PUB, I’M GOING TO KEEP TICKET STUBS AND GLUE THEM INTO A DIARY, AND I’M GOING TO GO TO A SPORTS MATCH AND CHEER FOR A TEAM I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT.
I have no issue with anybody who wants to go on exchange (although there are barriers preventing this from being available to everyone) and I believe that the chance to live and study overseas is fantastic. What IS frustrating is the fact that the ‘exchange experience’ – that elusive, living-life-to-the-full adventure – always seems to be pitched in opposition to living here, in Australia. Or, for that matter, staying in Columbia, if that’s your home country. The idea of going into the wild, hitting the road and escaping from the mundane in order to transform oneself has been around long before exchange programs. The relationships between ‘foreign’ and ‘exciting’, and ‘homely’ and ‘boring’ seem so natural that the words are sometimes interchangeable. This is great if you’re overseas, and need some form of motivation to drag yourself out of your gastro-stricken stupor. However, the flipside of this means that a ‘home’ mentality seems to lead to repetition and apathy towards day-to-day activities. So instead of taking ‘home’ for granted, I’m going to explore, to search out new places, new people and new activities. I’m going to ask questions, start walking without a destination, pick something new off the menu, go people-watching, send lengthy emails to old friends, and take pictures of buildings I walk past every day. I’m going to learn the history of my local pub, I’m going to keep ticket stubs and glue them into a diary, and I’m going to go to a sports match and cheer for a team I don’t give a shit about. Just because that’s what you do on exchange.
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EDUCATION REVOLUTION DOWN THE GURGLER? UTS LECTURER AND NATIONAL TERTIARY EDUCATION UNION (NTEU) BRANCH COMMITTEE MEMBER, SARAH AT TFIELD, GIVES US THE LOWDOWN ON THE UNIVERSITY FUNDING CUTS.
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he education sector is very angry right now, and rightly so. The Federal Government’s recent announcement that the Gonski reforms will be financed through $2.3 billion* of cuts to higher education was met initially with disbelief and then with a call to action. These cuts are unacceptable. All sectors of education agree – not just the university sector, but the school sector too. To improve school education at the expense of university education is just plain stupid. What happens when the school students (after completing their new and improved education) want to go to university? What will they find? Class sizes so large that tute rooms have giant screens (like those at the footy), so that students can catch a glimpse of their tutor? And more lecturers who are paid by the hour and have to dash from the lecture to their other jobs at unis across town? No support services for students, so the vulnerable are left to flounder? The giant screens thing might be a bit of an exaggeration, but these proposed cuts will lead to an (arguably already) diminishing positive university experience for students and a further squeeze on the already overworked and stressed staff. So how will this happen? The government is suggesting three main areas of cuts: the first of which is a $900 million ‘efficiency dividend’ that will reduce funding in general. Universities will have to decide how to absorb these cuts and will no doubt make the savings in staffing. This will affect teaching, as class sizes increase to reduce the amount of staff required, and more casual staff are used due to the lack of funding for permanent positions. There are already far too many casual academics, with over half the teaching at universities undertaken by people paid by the hour. This impacts on students’ learning experience, because the casual lecturers and tutors, while committed to their students and to excellence (unis like to mention ‘excellence’ in their promotion), are not adequately supported and are not paid to give the students the time they require. Cuts to general staff will impact on support services, which are already stretched. This can be seen quite clearly when walking past the massive queue at Student Services in Building 1.
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“THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. TO TARGET THE MOST VULNERABLE IS NOT ONLY VICIOUS, BUT ALSO GOES AGAINST THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT’S OWN AIMS TO IMPROVE ACCESS TO HIGHER EDUCATION.”
The other main targets for the cuts relate to HECS and scholarships. The proposal to get rid of the current 10% discount for students able to pay their fees upfront adds to the growing debt burden students already bear. This debt burden has a flow-on effect. Such a large debt makes it harder to get ahead once uni is finished and makes it impossible to take out further loans (such as mortgages); it took me ten years to pay back my HECS debt. The intention to change Start-Up Scholarships to loans is particularly upsetting because it affects the students who are already at uni against the odds. Currently these scholarships are available to students who qualify for Austudy, Youth Allowance or Abstudy. These are students from low socioeconomic status (SES) backgrounds and Indigenous students who already face many obstacles to entering higher education. For such students the decision to go to uni is not taken lightly because the HECS debt can be a major deterrent for those without a family financial safety net. Start-Up Scholarships provide some assistance and soften the financial blow for students who cannot afford to buy textbooks and other equipment essential to study. To turn these scholarships into loans, therefore adding to the debt, will no doubt put many low SES students and Indigenous students off from enrolling in university. This is unacceptable. To target the most vulnerable is not only vicious, but also goes against the Federal Government’s own aims to improve access to higher education for low SES and Indigenous students. So, if you think a quality university education is important then don’t allow the government to make these cuts. There are other ways they can create revenue (mining tax anyone?). Join in the protests; write a letter to the Minister for Education, Dr. Craig Emerson (you don’t even have to actually write one, you can sign online petitions). Make a noise, make demands! Don’t let the government get away with dumbing down your country!
*The amount Gina Rinehart spends each year on poetry tuition
DOES THE ‘FRIENDZONE’ EXIST?
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AGAINST LUKE COOPER ALISON WHIT TAKER
Let me tell you a story that many of you will find all too familiar. It’s the story of two young teens who spent much of their time in each other’s company.They laughed at each other’s jokes, they smiled and hugged. They messaged each other into the late hours of the night. They even went out together – to dinner and a movie. And with a flick of the hair here, or a bite of the lip there, it was obvious that there was something between them. Things were great, until one of them thought that it was about time to express their true feelings for the other. In a feature film, this story would end with a kiss in the rain and a happy couple wandering off into the sunset. But this story occurred in real life and therefore had a very different ending. After Person A revealed their hidden love for Person B, B turned silent before replying with that dreaded line, “You’re a great friend.” This, fellow readers, is what we regret to call the ‘friendzone’, and more likely than not, you have experienced it. It’s real, it exists and it sucks. This cringe-worthy zone works both ways – it isn’t always males getting friendzoned, and it’s not always about sex. The friendzone makes establishing romantic relationships harder than a World Record and, more often than not, leaves people watching the girl or guy of their dreams walk away. The friendzone is typically seen as a spiteful tag attached to the act of denying sex, but in reality most friendzoned individuals generally feel like shit because they’re never given the chance to make that one special person happy. If this is what relationships have come to, I think I’d rather flick through a copy of Guinness World Records.
The ‘friendzone’, as it’s popularly constructed, is pretty laughable. It boils down to this antiquated idea that wom*n owe men something for nothing, because of their essential gender identity and maybe a gift or two. It suggests that the only valuable thing that wom*n have to offer in their interpersonal relationships is sex and romance. A wom*n who seeks ‘just’ friendship with a bro is often shunted and demonised once it becomes apparent that sex isn’t on the table. I call this ‘friendzone-zoned’. It fucking blows, because as Taylor Callobre says – “My friendship is not some crappy consolation prize.” The friendzone suggests that no matter how measly, notmy-type, or unappealing I find a bro, I nonetheless have to ‘excuse’ myself from some kind of obligation to date/fuck him. And, like, sorry to get all feminist on this shit, but if we reverse the roles and these standards apply to wom*n, what’s given off is a distinctly creepy vibe. Moreover, this construct of obligation gives rise to street harassment and a host of other sexual harassment issues. The friendzone is a way of turning this creepiness on its head by portraying the object of dudely unrequited greasiness as a ‘bitch’. It exists in this form; it doesn’t exist as some #misandrist or interpersonal wom*nly schema. Therefore, the friendzone is only ‘a thing’ insofar as it ought to exist as a magical friendship-themed-park which, theoretically, would be full of amazing peeps networking, getting along and sharing interests to form lifelong nonromantic, non-sexual bonds and then racing each other down waterslides. Unfortunately, it’s overrun with the weeds of dudely entitlement to wom*n’s bodies and affections, choked by fedora-donning-men’s-rights-activists aimlessly bouncing on each other’s neck-beards and guffawing on OK Cupid about how “No one likes Nice Guys.”
KOH RONG
CAMBODIA
UNCOVERED
Koh Rong is paradise. The sand is a pure crusty-white that squeaks beneath your feet, the water so clear that the nibbling, sand-coloured fish have nowhere to hide. Here, backpacker hostels and bungalows are still sparse compared to the mainland Sihanoukville, while volleyball nets and hammocks are strung carelessly across the shoreline. On the western side of the island, Long Set stretches away into the distance, a curling bight that has been voted by The New York Times as one of the best beaches in the world. Some people stay for weeks, entranced by Koh Rong’s untamed beauty and unharnessed potential. It is easy to slip into the rhythm of the island, to sleep in wooden huts where the single generator turns on at eight and off at midnight. Where every meal takes an hour to reach your table, but no one is in a hurry so it doesn’t really matter. Write Koh Rong on your to-do list. But hurry: it can’t last.
BEACH VIEWS AT KOH RONG
SIEM REAP
ANGKOR WAT AT SUNRISE WITH BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPES AND MASS GRAVESITES, BACKPACKER BARS AND ANCIENT TEMPLES, CAMBODIA IS BLOSSOMING INTO THE NEXT BIG TRAVEL DESTINATION. TESSA FEGGANS GIVES YOU A RUNDOWN ON THE TOP FIVE PLACES THAT YOU MUST SEE IN SOUTHEAST ASIA.
ANGKOR WAT AND ANGKOR THOM
THE KILLING FIELDS
Every person who has ever visited Cambodia has also probably visited the famed, ancient temples from the Angkorian era, and the vast majority of them rave about it. “Temples?” you say, “If I’ve seen one, I’ve seen them all!” There are more temples at Ankgor Wat than 7/11s in the Sydney CBD. But as far as temples go, they don’t get much better than the four smiling faces of Bayon, or the adrenalin rush that shoots through you as the sun bursts through the spires of Angkor Wat. You can even pretend you’re Lara Croft in the Tomb Raider temple, Ta Prohm, where white-limbed trees dwarf the stone ruins. The area is infested with tourists, but if you go early or late you can still wander the smaller ruins in relative solitude. You can’t learn that Angkor Wat alone (yes, it’s only one temple, but there are many, many more) took 37 years and 40 000 elephants to build without being awe-inspired, or at very least, raising your eyebrows with grudging respect.
The history of modern Cambodia is horrific. Millions of Cambodians were slaughtered by their own people during the Khmer Rouge’s reign between 1975-1979. The Killing Fields are a monument to these atrocities. Every mass grave has been left uncovered; the tree that soldiers would smash infants’ skulls against (to save bullets) is dripping with memorial bracelets. The audio tour is an incredible experience: you walk the route that prisoners – men, women and children – would have taken, from blindfolded in the back of a truck to a mass grave. Bone fragments are still being discovered in the clay. The most frightening thing is that during the time this genocide was being carried out, Australia actually endorsed Pol Pot’s regime as the official leader of Cambodia. A number of leaders in the Khmer Rouge regime are currently elderly defendants in internationally mediated criminal trials, charged with war crimes, genocide and crimes against humanity.
If you go to Angkor Wat, as most people do, you’re almost certain to stay in the booming tourist town of Siem Reap. The Central Markets are the cleanest and most developed in Cambodia: a huge, low-roofed maze with lazy ceiling fans and every item up for a bargain (first rule of bartering: slash every price by at least 50% and then negotiate from there). For young backpackers, the aptly named Pub Street (yes, really) has the greatest appeal. Showing signs of becoming the next Phuket, this neon strip is door-to-door restaurants, bars and clubs. Alcohol is indecently cheap, and the popular Angkor What? Bar goes off every night, with dancing on tabletops an inevitability. The nightlife doesn’t suit 4.30am wake-ups for tuk tuks to the temples for sunrise, so plan to stay a few nights.
BOAT TOUR OF KRATIE
CENTRAL MARKETS OF SIEM REAP
KRATIE Halfway up the surging Mekong River that twists its way through Cambodia is the tiny hamlet of Kratie. It’s usually a stopover between Phnom Penh and the Laos border, but this riverside townlet has charms in its own right. In the dry season, the river is the most surprising shade of turquoise, like a wide, flashing ribbon that eddies in such a way that you can tell it masks a powerful undercurrent. An hour upstream from the town you will find a pod of endangered freshwater Irrawaddy dolphins (the ugliest – or cutest – mammals known to man), and old men with no teeth who row tourists out on yellow boats so they can aim their cameras at the water’s surface. Hire bicycles and pedal along the boulevard by the river, and then further on to the dirt track, where wooden houses on stilts emit pop music. Watching the waving children as you pass by is the perfect way to catch a glimpse into riverside Cambodian life.
PHOTOGRAPHY: TESSA FEGGANS 14 /
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ISSUE 5 /
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WINTER IS COMING
THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: RELAPSE A MAN WHO WISHES TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS THE GRADUATE REMINDS US THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE.
I
don’t know how else to say it, friends: I’m back on the dole. I hasten to add, however, and may it please your reverences, that this turn of misfortune occurred through no fault of my own. Let’s just say my bosses weren’t too impressed when they discovered the ebook of Lion King erotic fan-fiction that I’d been writing at work. Anyway, in the end, like your fretful parents when you announced your plans to attend Schoolies, they had no choice but to let me go. You might think it’s merely the reality of returning to unemployment that’s got me so down, but let me tell you, it ain’t. It’s the loss of face. You see, until now I’ve always been like Ice Cube’s AK-47; despite my bad-boy image, I’ve never actually been fired. And that’s a difficult thing to come to terms with. Like the Harry Potter saga, it’s a narrative I’ve always hoped I would never have to own. And yet here I am, regrettably in possession of this risible series of events (settle down, Gryffindorks—I’m talking about my career). And the worst bit is that I’ve no one to blame but everyone else. Anyway, I’m back to applying for jobs that I don’t really want. There’s this one that I’ve typed up a cover letter for, which I’ve decided to share with you because you’ll be applying for jobs before you know it. My tip? It’s best if you can imbue your application with a sense of who you are; let the employer get to know what you’re really passionate about. For example: “Dear Recruitment Officer,
SUBMIT TO VERTIGO FOR THE GOOD OF THE REALM. SUBMISSIONS@UTSVERTIGO.COM.AU 16 /
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I am writing to apply for the vacant position of Subeditor, as per your advertisement on seek.com.au. I am well suited to working as a part of a team. Just like in sports, every business needs a captain, a coach, and a bunch of people to run around frantically as they’re being yelled at. As a Marxist, I am opposed to the individualistic philosophy upon which the liberal democratic ideal is premised, so I am more than prepared to fulfil any lower-ranking positions on the team, including that of the ball. My limited experience in the workforce has left me with an entrenched, inescapable sense of alienation, both from the products of my labour and from my ‘species being’, to borrow from Marx’s lexicon. This alienation of commodities
from labour results in a phenomenon that Marx called ‘commodity fetishism’. Put simply, commodity fetishism is the illusory transformation of social relations into apparently objective relations between commodities or money. As your Subeditor, alienated from the products of my labour, I will do all in my power to indulge my commodity fetishistic desires, each week squandering my modest capital as a means of compensating for my frustrating sense of disempowerment and existential despair. This will result in a pattern whereby I will remain a loyal, long-term member of staff, trapped in the bourgeoisie’s perpetual exploitation of the proletariat. It will please you to learn that my knowledge of Marxism has given me a comprehensive understanding of the wagelabour relationship, so I will be coming to the position fully aware of and resigned to the innate exploitation within that relationship. Therefore, I will not be submitting irksome requests for pay rises, nor will you suffer the lack of productivity that often results from the disillusionment of team members for whom the ideology and rhetoric of capitalism eventually disintegrate, revealing the plain, awful truth that ruthless and inequitable capitalism alone drives the bourgeoisie’s perceived trajectory of progress ever further into the limitless frontier of economic growth. Finally, in its decidedly teleological conception of history, Marxism posits that these contradictions inherent in the economic base of society generate change in both the base and the ideological superstructure. We have already witnessed tremendous change as society has progressed from feudalism to capitalism and, arguably, to its present state of late capitalism. Nevertheless, you can be sure that as we proletarians unite in our class consciousness and shift the socioeconomic paradigm to a socialist structure, then finally to a communist utopia, my dynamic personality and ability to adapt to changes of circumstance will be an asset to your company. As our team progresses along that challenging but inevitable course, I will ensure that your organisation’s brand will retain the prestige for which it has become so renowned. I am competent with the Microsoft Office suite. Regards, The Graduate.” ISSUE 5 /
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SHOWCASE ART:
ZACHARY GOLDBERG
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ZACHARY GOLDBERG ILLUSTRATES FOR DEE ‘N’ DUM, A WEB COMIC THAT CHANNELS THE SLIGHTLY UNHINGED THOUGHTS OF ZAC AND DESIGNER, GAVIN KATZ. THEY AGREE THAT NOT EVERYONE LOVES THEIR SENSE OF HUMOUR; THEY’RE POSSIBLY ONLY ONE STEP ABOVE CLASSIC ‘DAD JOKES’. SOME PEOPLE EVEN FIND IT TO BE A CRUEL AND UNUSUAL ‘PUN’-ISHMENT. THEY LOOK FOR IDEAS THAT WILL STICK, SWABBING THEM OFF THE NERDY SWEAT PATCHES OF SOCIETY. UNRELIABLY, THE WEB COMIC IS UPDATED WITH A NEW COMIC EACH WEDNESDAY. WITH SOME FANS ALREADY, THESE TWO JUST NEED THE RIGHT SIZED PLUG TO GENERATE WIND IN THE COMEDY WORLD (SOMEBODY GET SOME SALT, BECAUSE I’M ON A ROLL). CHECK THEM OUT AT HTTP://WWW.DEENDUM.COM.
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GROWN UP SEX ED: A (RELATIVELY) COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO CONTRACEPTION ZARA SELMAN HELPS YOU TO AVOID ANY BABY-RELATED SURPRISES.
IMPLANTABLES
PILLS Ah the good old pill: the very first form of hormonal contraception and what many herald as a major factor in starting the sexual revolution in the ‘60s. It’s pretty simple: you pop a pill every day which contains a combination of progesterone and estrogen. These hormones prevent you from ovulating; they also bulk up your cervix mucus and slim down the lining of the uterus to make it harder for any pesky eggs to latch on. There are four to seven sugar pills at the end of each pill pack which is when you give your body a nice rest from all the hormones; this leads to what is called a withdrawal bleed (not actually a period). However some new types of oral contraceptives (such as Seasonique) only have sugar pills in one in every three packs, which means that Aunty Flo only comes to town four times a year!
Pros
- Cheap and relatively effective if used correctly - You can stop using it whenever you want (great if you start getting nasty side effects) - You can skip your lady-flow if you like - No needles or T-shaped things inside you, all you do is swallow - Can reduce PMT symptoms and lead to lighter, shorter periods
Cons
- It can be a bit of a bother remembering to take it every day - Different people react to different pills in different ways – often it’s a matter of trial and error to find the one for you - Side effects can include weight changes, sexual dysfunction, acne, enlarged breasts, mood changes, etc. - Increases your risk of deep vein thrombosis - Not as effective as implantables (partly because of improper use) , so read instructions carefully and be mindful of this if you come from particularly fertile stock - Won’t protect you from STIs
There are multiple types of implants, and multiple places you can have them inserted; okay, not really, you’re sort of limited to your arm or your uterus. The arm-implants, scientifically known as Implanon/Nexplanon, are considered one of the most effective forms of birth control. The matchstick-sized plastic implant slowly releases a progesterone-like hormone into your bloodstream which stops you from ovulating; it also thickens the mucus in the cervix, preventing any little swimmers from getting through. Intra-Uterine Devices (IUDs) are the ones that go inside you – yep, right into the depths of your lady parts. These are little T-shaped bits of plastic or copper that, once inserted, either release a type of progestrogen into your body to stop eggs implanting, or kill sperm (apparently copper is toxic to sperm – who knew?).
Pros
- Super-duper effective - Once it’s in you’re sweet: you don’t have to remember to take anything or do anything - You can leave them in for YEARS; some types have been proven to still be effective after seven years - The intra-uterine do-dads not only provide contraception but also help alleviate a wide range of lady issues such as heavy periods and chronic pelvic pain - 20% of women don’t get their lady-flow when using these, which means no PMT and swimming all year round!
Cons
- Apparently expulsion can occur with the subdermal implants (i.e. arm ones) - They can also migrate to a different location which can decrease efficacy - Bruising and discomfort are common after subdermal insertion, and pelvic pain and bleeding after IUD insertion - Some of the IUDs have metal strings attached: these may need to be adjusted by a doctor, because if they are too long they can poke your man friend right where it hurts the most - Can lead to irregular bleeding, scarring, etc. - Scary fact: there have been cases of uterine perforation when using some IUDs (this is rare) - Have a lot of similar side effects to other types of hormonal birth control (see: Pills) - They won’t protect you from STIs - A doctor has to put it in and take it out so it’s a little trickier to stop using than the pill or condoms
RUBBER STUFF Condoms, female condoms and diaphragms are called barrier devices, i.e. they stop stuff getting in and out. Most of you have probably seen or used a male condom so I’m not going to explain what they are or how to use them in detail. Female condoms are worn internally by the lady, and are a thin, loose-fitting sheath with flexible rings at either end. Like regular condoms, these are usually made from latex but can also be made from nitrile, which apparently doesn’t make awkward crinkling noises like the latex types do. A diaphragm is a soft latex or silicon dome that you wear like an upside-down hat inside your vagina. It sits just in front of the cervix and has a little spring inside it, which helps seal the cervix off from any intrusive sperm.
Pros
- The only type of contraception that protects you from all types of STIs - Male condoms are inexpensive and pretty easy to use - No hormones being pumped into your body means no side effects! - Can get male condoms EVERYWHERE (even from the Students’ Association) - Diaphragms are reusable and are pretty inexpensive when you look at cost-per-nookie-sesh
Cons
- Condoms are a bit creepy looking, especially after being used… you also have to ‘dispose’ of them - Not as effective as other forms of contraception (they are roughly 98% effective when used properly) - Can break or get holes in them, especially if kept in your wallet for a long time, leading to a massive reduction in efficacy - A lot of people don’t like the ‘feel’ of using condoms (has been compared to having a shower with your clothes on) - It’s recommended that you get your diaphragm fitted or ‘sized’ by a professional, which can be a hassle
SHOTS Contraceptive Shots or Depo Provera is a progesterone-only injection that prevents you from getting knocked up. It works in pretty much the same way as most other hormonal birth control methods and needs to be injected by a doctor roughly every 12-14 weeks. Fun fact: The male contraceptive shot is currently in development (hooray!). Vasalgel, as it is known, coats the inside of the vans deferens and kills tadpoles as they shoot through. Current clinical trials have proven it to be highly effective, reversible and longlasting, but there is a catch. Apparently it has to be injected right into the penis (yikes), so ladies, good luck convincing your partner to share the contraceptive load once it becomes more widely available.
Pros
- Incredibly effective - Stops lady-flow in about 50% of women - No weird things that live inside you and no remembering to take anything – once they’ve stuck you, you’re good to go (after waiting a week or so) - Really great for helping lady conditions such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids, etc. - Reduces the risk of endometrial cancer by 80%
Cons
- There are side effects (see: Pills) - Not great for needle wimps - Irreversible for 12-14 weeks, so if you’re likely to meet the man of your dreams and want to start your brood ASAP, then it’s probably not for you - A slight delay after you stop getting the shots before you’re completely fertile - Any side effects will be present during the 12-14 week period - Has been associated with a reduction in bone density, so it’s not good for those of us who are already a little brittle - No protection from venereal diseases
RINGS The contraceptive ring, or Nuva Ring, is a flexible, plastic ring that you insert inside your vagine, where it hangs out for three weeks, releasing a low dose of estrogen and progestin. You take it out in the third week and, voila, you have a withdrawal bleed. After seven days you pop a new one in and start all over again.
Pros
- Lower levels of hormones = less side effects! - Only need to think of it every three weeks - Less irregular bleeding than the pill - No need to be fitted –one size fits all! - Can skip your p-sizzle by popping a new ring in straight after you take the old one out - Can stop using it at any time
Cons
- Can fall out during particularly vigorous sex (you can take it out for a few hours if you want though)/your partner may be able to feel it - Higher risk of Deep Vein Thrombosis because of the type of estrogen used - Doesn’t protect you from STIs - Can give you vaginitis (i.e. inflammation of the vagine…ouch), which sort of leads you to question how hygienic it is… - Have to be comfortable with sticking it up there; this probably isn’t for girls who aren’t into tampons - Have to remember to take it out and replace it every couple of weeks - Relatively expensive compared to the pill and shots
G L O B E T R O T T I N G M U S T H AV E S
A PACK OF CARDS
ADVISES ALL YE STRUCK WITH
This item may seem esoteric, but it’s not, trust me. The common room of any hostel is enlivened by the increasingly competitive, but ever-convivial cries of a game of cards. Forget English, ‘Snap’ is the true global language. Research ‘Speed’ and ‘Yaniv’, or discover a plethora of weird, regional variations from fellow wanderers.
WANDERLUST TO CARRY THESE
MCVITIE’S DIGESTIVE BISCUITS
HEADING ABROAD OVER THE BREAK? KIER AN BOYD
ESSENTIALS – AND YOUR PASSPORT.
The anytime food. Health nuts will suggest something healthier, like nuts, but these are the real deal, endorsed by legendary writer/adventurer Bill Bryson himself. For decades this British company has been cramming enough wheat into each of these bad boys to keep UK tea drinkers and stingy travellers well fed.
EATING UTENSILS (PREFERABLY STOLEN)
Sure, they might not be necessary when dining on biscuits, croissants, orange juice or kebabs (which comprise 75% of the smart traveller’s diet), but for doggy-bagged goulash and under-stocked hostel kitchens, they’re essentials. But why bother pre-packing? Simply borrow them (indefinitely) from the first restaurant you visit. They’ll double as disposable souvenirs!
BOARD SHORTS (FOR HOT PLACES)
For any destination where the mere thought of midday makes you sweat. As a co-traveller reasoned: they wash easier, dry quicker, don’t crease and he could wear them throughout a beach-filled sojourn. This particular friend, however, also shunned underwear despite the sickly Moroccan heat. Note, fellas: the free-balling/boardies combo is not advised.
A SCARF (FOR COLD PLACES)
For A(nta)rctic climates, seek out and purchase a scarf before your departure. Perish the thought of spending two weeks scratching at a tourist-priced hessian noose around your neck, regretting that you ignored the advice from that handsome Vertigo writer. Expert tip: scarves make excellent tourniquets in the case of a skiing mishap.
SOME FORM OF SCREEN
And I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout sunscreen, neither. I’m talking iPhone, Android device, small laptop - your technological lifebuoy. As Peter Allen once sang: no matter how far or how wide you roam, as long as there’s a Macca’s, there’ll be free Wi-Fi. Learn the following verbs: Wikitravel, CouchSurf, HostelWorld, SkyScanner. Reminder: beware (Parisian) gypsies!
MULTIPLE SD CARDS
Even if you haven’t committed to the ambitious notion of keeping a private journal or public blog, you will still want to
be snapping every tree, sunset and place of worship on the way. Some may trust their Instagrams and moisture-sensitive phones, but for real photographers, consider packing several memory cards, and cycling between them weekly.
A QUICK-DRYING TOWEL
As many a traveller has learnt, one cannot assume basic amenities from travel lodgings, let alone that they will be provided free-of-charge. Google “fast drying towels” for a super-convenient absorbance option that can do both beaching and bathing, and then be folded into a second pillow within minutes. It practically sells itself!
A COUPLE OF BUCKS WORTH OF 20C COINS
Not for buying things, silly: for that you’ll need your zlotys or kronas or pesos. Instead, these babies are true rarities on the foreign coin collection circuit, or unique gifts for co-travellers. Sharing the 20-cent coin also offers the opportunity to (try to) explain Australia’s platypus, the Captain Planet of the animal kingdom.
DUCT TAPE
Regardless of your style of travelling, something’s going to eventually break, be it your backpack, shoes, sleeping bag or your budget, and three quarters of those can be fixed with an engineer’s best friend. In dire scenarios, it can also act as a peg, Band-Aid or even an anti-snoring countermeasure.
ILLUSTRATION: MAX TILSE
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STREET STYLE
A POX ON POP CULTURE
IT MAY BE GETTING COLD OUTSIDE, BUT SELF-PROCLAIMED ALLITERATION ADDICT SAMUEL MILLSOM IS BRAVING THE BITE TO CATCH THE COOLEST KIDS AND THEIR SUAVE STYLE. WINTER IS COMING, BITCHES.
NON-BELIEBER
BRENTON
AGNES
THOMAS
Wearing a classic tee and chinos, Brenton looks like a true modern poet, and I bet you his bag is full of the raddest rhymes and craziest couplets you ever did see. Contributing to his literary-style clout is his rolledstraight-out-bed hair and the chinos paired with black leather brogues, which gives him that inner-city edge. Think Commes des Garcon meets Cotton On (#commedescottonon). Brenton likes to dress for form and function, and being a Blue Mountains native, he can obviously brave the cold better than we can. If Brenton can write as well as he dresses, there’s no doubt in our minds that he may just become the next Allen Ginsberg!
This Masters student is serving up some ‘40s housewife glam, rocking a demure, yet bold, red plaid dress with the most adorable white lace collar. Matched up with some white studded flats, she’s looking as cute as a button and is sure to give some of us a flashback to the Golden Age (#silverscreendame). This china doll can go from a Tupperware party to the swing hall and back just in time to cook a nice roast, just like Bree van de Kamp from Desperate Housewives. Is it just me, or do they have the same hairdresser? Swell job Agnes, it’s good to see someone embracing the classic style of eras past.
Thomas is a Business exchange student from Switzerland, but looks more like a poster boy for Topman (#britstyle). Clean, simple and stylish, Thomas has picked up on all the latest trends in men’s fashion. The coupling of Neon Nikes with some smooth indigo denim make him look like a #MBFWA model import on his way to a casting. The jumper says study buddy, but the sneakers are sure to make an impact on the dance floor, so this dude has got his day sorted. In summary, this stylish and uber-swish Swiss screams sex, showing that sweet sweaters and scandalous sneakers worn together spawn some serious Scandinavian swag. Say that one ten times quickly.
SS
ISSUE 5 /
A L E X J O H N S O N THINKS THAT JUSTIN BIEBER’S HABIT OF OPENING HIS MOUTH HAS TO STOP.
Y
ou may not be aware, given my tendency to write about popular culture, that I am actually a gigantic history nerd. Embarrassingly so. So you can imagine that when popular culture and history intersect, my ears prick up like some sort of demented puppy and I need to find out what’s going on. Well, that happened recently. Justin Bieber, the teen girl version of Jesus, was in the Netherlands for a performance. While there, he did what every good tourist should do when in the Netherlands. He visited the Anne Frank House. If anything, it should have been a positive thing – the Biebs taking time out of his swagtastic schedule to learn about an important aspect of history. Theoretically, we should be high-fiving him. But I am not. The problem, like so many things Justin Bieber, lies in the fact that he had to open his mouth. He left the following message in the Anne Frank House’s guest book: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” He is right. I left the Anne Frank House a blubbering mess. It was one of the most moving things that I’d ever seen and it is indeed truly inspiring. While it’s kind of jarring to hear Anne Frank referred to as a “great girl” by a 19-year-old teenage heartthrob, I think the 30 million plus people who have read her diary would agree that they feel as though they have some sort of intimate connection with the author.
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But the bit that I have an issue with is the bit where he hopes “that she would’ve been a Belieber”. Now, Anne Frank was a teenage girl – a very talented teenage girl in a tragic situation, but a teenage girl, nonetheless. Bieber’s primary market is the teenage girl. There is every chance that in another time and another place, Anne Frank would’ve enjoyed a bit of the Biebs. But that is not how her life panned out. Her life was tragically cut short by having the misfortune of being born a Jew at a time when Jewish people were being violently persecuted. By writing, “I hope she would have been a Belieber”, what Bieber has essentially said is “If Anne were alive today, I hope that she would be part of the mass market that’s made me the kind of millionaire that earns roughly $300 000 per concert, gets paid millions in endorsement deals and can get away with throwing tantrums, kicking paparazzi and not showing up to court dates.” Which is vulgar at best. So while it’s nice that the Biebs wants to educate himself, perhaps he should not offer commentary on it. Perhaps he should just rock up – Lord knows he’s constantly whinging about being chased by people with cameras – see the sights and then let the celebrity media do their job. He should stick to what he does best: using the words ‘baby’ and ‘swag’ at least 23 times per song.
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ROADTEST: OLD-SCHOOL PROCRASTINATION
READING
SICK OF ANGRY BIRDS, THE WIKIPEDIA VORTEX AND YOUTUBING CLIPS OF THE WEST WING? JOE MCKENZIE TRIES HIS HAND AT PROCRASTINATION METHODS FROM A SIMPLER TIME.
MISSION: TO FIND OUT IF ‘YOUNG PEOPLE’ (ME, REPRESENTING ALL YOUNG PEOPLE) CAN FULFIL THE INTENSE NEED OF STUDENTS TO DEFER AND DISTRACT THEMSELVES FROM THEIR STUDIES WITH POINTLESS ACTIVITIES WITHOUT THE USE OF ELECTRICAL DEVICES – ESPECIALLY THE INTERNET. I USED THE WEEK LEADING UP
WALKING There are few things I enjoy more than a mid-afternoon stroll around my local park while listening to an episode of ‘This American Life’, so I was originally excited to use this method to kill an hour of potentially fruitful essay-writing time. However, due to the prohibition of electronic amusement I had to walk around without audio accompaniment. Instead, I was treated to the inane conversations of people walking nearby. And my own thoughts. This might have been pleasant if I had been doing an essay on a cheerier subject, but given it was Genocide Studies, I spent the hour thinking about the slaughter of Darfurian tribespeople, and my thoughts were only interrupted occasionally by strangers’ discussions about their relatives. Procrastinatory Effect: 0/5 A complete failure.
TO THE DUE DATE OF A 2000-WORD GENOCIDE STUDIES ESSAY TO TEST THIS HYPOTHESIS.
As my normal mode of procrastination is reading things on the internet, I thought that purchasing a magazine would produce a similar effect. I decided that in the spirit of this roadtest I would challenge myself by buying a magazine outside my usual diet of The Monthly and The Smith Journal. When I sat down to read my copy of Guns & Game: The South Pacific Journal of Firearms and Hunting, the first thing I noted was the typography, which could be most generously described as erratic. Despite the fact that the magazine seemed to use every font in Microsoft Word at the same time, I was soon drawn into a world that analysed the difference between a Tikka T3 Forest .30-06 and a Swarovski Z3 3-929x36*, and where taking a photograph posing next to your recently slaughtered animal was not only acceptable, but a celebrated part of a great family day out. Procrastinatory Effect: 5/5 It was genuinely fascinating.
RESULT: HAVING COMPLETED THIS ROADTEST, I FEEL EXTRAORDINARILY GRATEFUL FOR THE INTERNET. THOUGH THERE ARE A MULTITUDE OF
CHESS PUZZLES Is there a more profound symbol of sexual frustration than a puzzle? Who else but the most sexless and boring among us could possibly see the arranging of small cardboard pieces into a predetermined picture as fun and joyous? I managed to find a 1000-piece puzzle of Mt. Rushmore in my garage and gave it a try anyway. Having arranged the border and formed Lincoln’s handsome face I was suddenly overwhelmed by the emptiness of human experience. Had my life reached a point where I was having to distinguish between different textures of rock in order to feel normal? If only to compound this sense of futility, I immediately returned to my Genocide Studies essay. Procrastinatory Effect: 3/5 Hypnotic, but fundamentally sad. Also, it leaves a mess.
CLEANING My girlfriend suggested this, and I still cannot work out whether she was trying to help with this article or was subtly convincing me to clean my room. Either way, I did briefly try to clean it, gathering the unwashed clothes that sat in a pile (or ‘dune’, as I like to refer to it), clearing out the half-empty wine bottles that were on my desk and even vacuuming. But I am not a pathological cleaner and I cannot produce the satisfying bliss that other people seem to be able to get from cleaning rooms. Procrastinatory Effect: 1/5 It just made me glad to return to my assignment.
Having been a reclusive child, this was not the first time that I had played chess against myself. I thought that a few rounds of solo chess would revive warm memories of social awkwardness and Sunnyboys. A few moves in, however, I understood why my parents discouraged such activities, as I immediately became consumed by the game – not the strategy per se – more so the determining of whether I supported the black or white team, whether or not the different pieces in the game had distinct personalities, whether they even agreed on their conflict, and whether or not the conflict was some extraordinary, Fukushima-esque commentary on the inevitability of human conflict. When I realised that I was talking directly to the pieces, I decided to halt the experiment for my mental health.
Procrastinatory Effect: 5/5 I still have Freudian issues with the Queen.
WAYS IN WHICH THE INTERNET HAS CHANGED OUR LIVES FOR THE WORSE – SUCH AS THE EASY ACCESS MY MOTHER NOW HAS TO PHOTOS OF ME THAT I WOULD RATHER FORGET – IT HAS RADICALLY IMPROVED OUR METHODS OF WASTING TIME. SO NEXT TIME YOU INTERRUPT YOUR READINGS TO BROWSE A TUMBLR FULL OF GIFS ABOUT PEOPLE INTERRUPTING THEIR STUDY TO BROWSE A TUMBLR FULL OF GIFS ABOUT PEOPLE INTERRUPTING THEIR STUDY TO BROWSE A TUMBLR FULL OF GIFS** SAY A QUICK THANKS TO THE MAGICAL INTERNET PEOPLE WHO MAKE SUCH A WORLD POSSIBLE.
*YES, YOU DID READ THAT. SWAROVSKI MAKES BOTH GUNS AND JEWELLERY. CAPITALISM. **IF YOU DID NOT GET THAT JOKE YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT ON TUMBLR.
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LESLEY ARFIN SAYS WHAT SHE THINKS BUT SHOULD SHE THINK FIRST ABOUT WHAT SHE SAYS? NAOMI RUSSO CHATTED TO FIRED GIRLS WRITER AND EX-VICE JOURNO LESLEY ARFIN ABOUT LIFE, WRITING AND SAYING THE WRONG THING.
L
esley Arfin, prolific writer, editor and blogger, wears t-shirts over plaid shirts, does her hair in I-don’t-givea-fuck ponytails and is more honest than most in such a public position perhaps should be. To many aspirational hipsters, Arfin is the epitome of cool, having written for the likes of RUSSH, VICE, Elle, Jezebel, Nylon, iD, not to mention the hit HBO show, Girls. She’s self-deprecating and frank about the ugliness of life, a quality that has endeared her writing to thousands of girls, and some guys too. She got her start as an intern for VICE in 2001, and it’s not surprising that she has become a controversial figure, given the magazine’s propensity for provocation. The grit of VICE is its glamour, and the same can be said of Arfin. What some perceive as her vulgarity, others call her honesty. Arfin’s devil-may-care attitude shines through as she makes fun of herself and others, but it’s this same attitude that’s gotten Arfin into trouble in recent years. The Vice column, ‘Dear Diary’ was defunct before she took it on: a chance to try her hand at professional writing. It became ‘mega-popular’ and in 2007 a book deal based on the column was struck between MTV Books and Vice Publishing. For Arfin, the day she found out she had the book deal she was “BEYOND THUNDERDOME OVERJOYED. IT WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE”. The resultant book Dear Diary is a cringe-worthy hotpot of diary entries, Q and A interviews, and notes written in hindsight. Most people hide their diaries under their pillow, so what does publishing hers say about Arfin? “My intention isn’t like ‘Be honest!’ It just so happens that the truth is easier for me to write.” It also suggests she’s pretty confident. But Arfin says, “My writing has always been more confident than me, in college I was kinda fat and drunk.” Perhaps she explains herself best in her column entry ‘Vice Guide to Girls’ where she wrote, “If you act like you’re awesome, people will think that you’re awesome. And if you have to, fake it. Fake it ‘til it’s not fake anymore.”
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IMAGE: OWNED BY HBO
Arfin was taken on as a writer for the hit HBO series Girls in its first season, “another best day of my life”, she says. But since then, Lena Dunham, the show’s creator has fired her as part of wider redundancies. However, in the short time she was affiliated with the show, she managed to get herself into hot water, when, after the show came under fire for it’s ‘whiteness’, she tweeted, “The problem with ‘Precious’ is that there’s no Me in it.” The tweet in question was later deleted but Arfin told Vertigo, “I stand by my tweet because it was funny and totally taken out of context and misunderstood by dumb people, or hyped up by smart people who needed hits on their website or whatever.” The blogosphere went wild, posting countless articles decrying Arfin as racist for her tweet, and adding fuel to the argument that Girls itself was racist. One of the problems with the tweet was that Arfin seemed to suggest that the African American and Latino characters portrayed in the gritty, critically lauded 2009 film, Precious (who are from underprivileged, low socioeconomic backgrounds) are the only African American and Latina characters that could be included in Girls. But Kendra James, a writer at Racialicious, wrote of her shared background with Dunham, despite (shock, horror) her being black and Dunham being white. “We’re both graduates of Oberlin College in Oberlin, OH, where we were separated by two years. Dunham majored in creative writing, while I majored in cinema studies and anthropology.” Nevertheless, Arfin remains adamant, “It’s not weird that Girls didn’t have any major characters of colour or ethnicity
because it was told from the point of view of a white upper-middle-class post-college girl who didn’t have any friends of color [sic].” Perhaps then, the problem lies in the idea that a white upper-middle-class post-college girl, living in Brooklyn where only one third of the population is also white “didn’t have any friends of colour”. Does fiction have a responsibility to change the truth of the author’s situation? If Girls is based on Dunham’s life, and she says that it is, should she attempt to deviate from the truth in order to create a more inclusive portrayal? There certainly needs to be a portrayal of all colours, genders and sexualities on television, but does the onus rest only on Lena Dunham? This, when taken in the best light, is perhaps what Arfin is trying to say. She remains resistant to any criticism, claiming, “I think that (‘whiteness’) happened on Sex and the City too. And maybe on the show Friends. Seinfeld. Game of Thrones. Big Love. Larry Sanders. Freaks and Geeks. Family Ties... You get the idea”. It is interesting to note that Lena Dunham has clarified that Arfin no longer worked for the show when she wrote the contentious tweet, and Arfin now states that, “Whatever Lena says is whatever I think and support for the show.” The question for Arfin remains, where to from here? She’s currently writing on the hit MTV teen show, Awkward, working on a web series for HBO and developing ‘Dear Diary’ further. She is looking for a job nonetheless and, “would like (her) own show one day”. She left Vertigo readers with this advice, “Don’t publish your diary. Say yes to everything”.
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MOVE OVER PSY:
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We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire. In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.
embers of the ‘Stop teeching our kidz Hindu numbers, our numbers are Aussie’ Facebook group are set to march on the office of the Minister for Education, Peter Garrett, later this week. The group, composed solely of childless idiots and former Cronulla Rioters, was previously behind ‘Ban the Burqa’ day, ‘Ban the Butter Chicken’ day and, just to prove their credentials as awful people, ‘Ban Bans of Andrew Bolt’ day. “We represent that subset of people informed enough to know who the Education Minister is, but generally ignorant enough to think these numbers are a threat to Australia,” said one startlingly selfaware member of the group.
M
ARTY FISCHEL REPORTS.
NUMERALS
HINDU-ARABIC
K
im Jong-Un can now add a new title to his ever growing repertoire: Supreme Leader of North Korea, Commander of one of the world’s largest standing armies and producer of the world’s top selling album. The world’s youngest head of state has taken an apparent leave of absence from maniacal threats to focus on his music career, and his debut album has become a literal overnight success. The stirringly named Buy My Album or I’ll Nuke You was met with near universal apprehension and confusion. South Korean Foreign Secretary, Hae-Yu Suk, called the move “daring and incomprehensible”, adding “I have no idea what he is saying.” The lyrics may be unintelligible but the titles are clear; they appear to be a series of poorly executed cover versions of popular (or once popular) Western songs. ‘I’ve Got 99 Problems but a Sanction Ain’t One’ and ‘Pyongyang I Love You but You are Bringing me Down’ are some notable examples. There seems to be no stopping the album’s popularity, but according to Pitchfork reviewer H.M. Bibblesworth, there can be no accounting for taste. “If Jong-Un’s latest tirade of nuclear threats and warnings of impending war were intended as
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nothing more than a marketing campaign for this piece, there can be no accounting for the waste of human lives and resources, but it worked. The album itself has a certain novelty value and there is also an irony to Jong-Un’s screeching, however it remains a pile of base, uninspired, derivative tripe that I wouldn’t feed to a pack of starving dogs, let alone a person.” Jong-Un’s official response through the KCNA was simply “Haters gonna hate.” Buy My Album or I’ll Nuke You is available for $13.99 on iTunes or for the price of eternal fealty.
HIGH CAMP TO SPORTS
TORRENTING MISHAP LEADS TO INTRODUCTION OF
GROUP VOWS TO KOREA’S NEW POP SENSATION CRACK DOWN ON SHIRLEY KNOT INVESTIGATES. ‘UNAUSTRALIAN’
his year’s US Masters descended into farce as amateur Rory Hamblington-Smyth took to the course in his first round wearing a bustier, fishnet stockings, six-inch heels and a wig described as “reasonably unconvincing”. In a press conference at the Augusta golf club following his controversial round, the Atlanta native revealed that he had mistakenly downloaded the wrong film after a friend had insisted he watch the 1976 boxing film Rocky in order to “you know, psych up and shit”. “Well Dave said that he loved watching this Rocky movie and even listening to the soundtrack for motivation,” said the golfer. “I must admit that the ‘Time Warp’ didn’t seem like an obvious choice to improve my swing, but I really respect Dave’s opinion.” The change seemed to work for HamblingtonSmyth as he completed the round 16 under par. Cultural theorists have congratulated him for expanding the aesthetics of golf from its usual ‘white people in poorly chosen jumpers’ look.
T
MIKE LIT REPORTS
EXCLUSIVE
Now 98% Fact Free.
Defamer
the
DREAM SEQUENCE JUSTIN WOLFERS CREATES A PSYCHEDELIC MASH-UP BY MORPHING EVERY PIECE FROM THE 2013 UTS WRITERS’ ANTHOLOGY THE EVENING LANDS INTO ONE PHAT FLUORO BEAST.
The 2013 UTS Writers’ Anthology The Evening Lands launches on May 24 at the Sydney Writers’ Festival. The editors, including myself, chose 32 pieces from 30 UTS students, edited them, ordered them, and sent them off to become a book. We had chosen the foreboding title before we finalised the content, so the lurking question for me was: is there a thread running through the book, either thematic or tonal, that tells one story, and could it be morphed into a single narrative? Turns out, probably not. But there is a hint of one: something under the surface, something latent, and possibly disturbing. The following monstrosity rearranges sentences from all the pieces from The Evening Lands, with no words changed whatsoever, and with the pieces in the sequence you’ll find them in the book. Full disclosure: on occasion, punctuation has been altered or sentences clipped for grammatical purposes.
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When she seems satisfied she puts the hand mirror and lipstick away. She leans forward and tightly grips my shoulder. For a long time she says nothing. For all I know she might even be asleep behind those sunglasses but just when I think she has dozed off for sure she breaks the silence. ‘Do you remember we used to tell each other about our dreams? When I sleep now, it’s like I’m dead. Totally dreamless.’ I draw a breath, and the sounds of the city below filter back in. ‘When do you think you’ll come home?’ ‘I don’t think I ever will. Why would I?’ So much and so little had been left behind. I could not help but wonder aloud, ‘And who is your solicitor?’ ‘Ms. Alicia Bell. She does a lot of this sort of work.’ She spoke these last words bitterly. She was wearing woollen tights and a long-sleeved dress, but then it was winter. It was hard to believe she was really inside there. I wanted to ask her, can you show me your arms, your back, your thighs? ‘I brought your mail,’ I said after a pause. She flipped quickly through each envelope but said nothing. I stood up to go. I watched her for a moment as something in her expression changed. I reached for the door handle. I thought I could smell smoke. It still didn’t seem real. Memories of her perfumed bear hugs floated around me as the radio announcer dedicated the Dixie Cups’ version of ‘Iko-Iko’ to his listeners in the Crescent City. I went to bed dreaming of heavenly choirs. Animate, inanimate. I list the images then randomise. Cinematic doorstep bicycle flicker. The bird falling through the art installation. I called in sick to work, the first time I’d ever done that. I moped about the house, reheating coffee in the microwave and eating peanut butter on folded white bread. I tried to sleep but couldn’t, watching the words of our final conversation run through my mind in an endless loop.
I lay there all morning. I washed my face and put water in my hair. I ran past the markets. She would be at the fruit stalls by now. At first my eye registers only shades of brown, yellow, green. Papaya, kiwi, banana. But when when I look closer, other colours catch my attention; red, white, blue. A petite young woman with long, flowing red hair stands in the middle of the room, her hands resting on the handles of a pram. Her lips form an awkward smile. A siren wails in the distance. The familiar odours of hessian and root vegetables immediately take me back to being a four-year-old tagging behind my mother shopping. There’s a pretty, round-faced girl at the cash register. I start handing her vegetables, aware of her critical appraisal. My pallid skin, my dark eyes. A feeling--an absence--that had taken hold of me. We spoke pleasantries. When the darkness of a clear night settles I go running, even when it’s cold and the fingers on each hand go numb, because this is when I can feel gravity the most, when the only noise to be heard is the slap of rubber soles against concrete and the ragged breaths which grow more regular with each misty exhalation. The streets were strangely quiet. Three policemen in padded snow-gear were standing in the middle of the river. I dream that dream about the doves coming in through the window all the time. Then the doves carry us off, and I don’t know where they will take us, but they are doves, so it will be somewhere peaceful. I sat up in bed. It was midafternoon. I wanted to have sex up against the shower door and to stay up until four in the morning talking. One morning I woke up alone on the cricket pitch, grass clippings tangled in my hair, clutching an empty bottle. My head was throbbing, a charge of blood surged into the spot between my eyes, and my legs were electric. Her long shadow wavered, then disappeared. We dance around the fire and we hold hands, and if the boy fancies the girl he will tap three times on her palm. Now,
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because we all have mobile phones, if we fancy each other, we will send a text. A sequence of images the size of a comic strip on a wide computer screen. A ghostly rib cage obscured by blooms of white. I always drink scotch at funerals. The grime of the daylight world was slowly dissolving into growing shadows. What to eat at this hour? This was unequivocally the very last cigarette in the flat. I am asleep, coiled into the smallest surface area possible. My passport is being passed around by multiples of digits that have been feasting on dishes of rabbit, suckling duckling, fennel, freekeh, pear-skins, plantain chips, béarnaise sauce, oil, goose fat, deep fried chocolate, bursting purple champagne. After that it was another bleak train ride to work, squeezed in next to some philistine who was watching a video of Will Ferrell on his phone. I got to my desk and logged into my computer. It’s hard, but once you get the rhythm you’re all right. Back and forth until it’s corrected. Do it right if you’re going to do it. Slow down, don’t be lazy. You stare down at the text, the text Without End, and you are panning across it vaguely. You think about editing, you continue, edit later, you are writing the writing to be rewritten at a later juncture. A row of mannequins in swimwear thrust their pelvises. An unwashed man smell. Everyone else in the city was very busy and walked diagonal lines across intersections; coherent phalanxes of people with purposes. There might be no end of the turning and turning in upon itself. I could sense the heat of your nowness but I could not look at your eyes. Yet here I am sitting at my computer, still trawling, squinting into the afternoon. There was movement around the house, something got knocked over and then the back door opened and slammed shut. The boy ran through the door and then the yard... could be fuckin’ anywhere... I reach over the fence to close the gate. I stand looking up at the birds high above. Brightly coloured on the dead-like birch branches. The Koreans have a saying that sunshine is the best disinfectant. And the sound of the train, like I haven’t heard it before, is whooshin through the air. Jesus those trains. The squealin. What it does is alarm me, and with her still in my arms I go for the curtain and then down the stairs and out into the gray.
It’ll be dark soon. It’s calm as a chapel. The drowsiness, the formlessness, the absence. Everything’s going to be alright. A postgraduate degree, a good therapist--she’ll help you ‘process’ it. I watched the old ceiling fan slice the stuffy, schoolroom air, circling round and round. If you opened up the skylight you could climb onto the roof. I looked up at the cloudless sky and back to her.
24 OCCASIONS WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING TOO OLD FOR MUSIC FESTIVALS EMILY BROWNLEE AND PATRICIA LA MANNA GIVE YOU SOME HINTS ON WHETHER OR NOT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE FROM THE MOSH PIT.
Danny Loch - Reach for the Sun Madelaine Lucas - New York From Above Christopher Marcatili - Cartograph Stella Collier - Kitty Thomas Chapman - Product Sue Carey - Travelling Mercies Justin Wolfers - Scalpel Poem Rebecca Slater - Stewed Fruit Felicity Pickering - Home Emily Brugman - Birden Chantal Gibbs - Zenon Kowalski Alicia Thompson - A Fistful of Earth Caroline Connaire - Portumna Kate Adams - Crystallised Nelson Groom - Lost Seoul Emma Pitman - Dove Mouse Fish Tiger Lion Hannah Story - Slacks Rebecca Lean - Twelve Past Six Erin O’Dwyer - In the Kingdom of Gemu Marty Murphy - A Small Dent Phoebe Morgan-Hunn - Monsoon Clare Cholerton - After Taste Rhys McGowan - The Other Side of Summer Vincent Silk - Obvious Escapes Justin Wolfers - Middling Drift S.J Cottier - A Warm, Heavy Pebble Emma Rose Smith - It Ended and Then Michael Douglass - The Crack of the Gun Grant Poulton - It’s What’s on the Outside that Counts Ashleigh Synnott - Matthew 1987 Sinead Roarty - Slipstream Rebecca Slater - The Best Olympic Games Ever
1. You can’t pull off festival clothing anymore 13. You can remember the days when tickets cost (and wonder when short shorts, midriffs, fake tans/eyelashes and cake faces became ‘hot’). 2. You feel uncomfortable when you have to look at people who believe they can pull it off. 3. You have to pull your specs out in the mosh because you can’t see the stage properly. 4. You refuse to hydrate the entire day to avoid the port-a-loos. 5. Your run-ins with people from primary/ high school become increasingly awkward (see reason #2). 6. You see a colleague from work at the festival. Then have to go to work on Monday. 7. You acquire inappropriate tan lines. Then have to go to work on Monday. 8. You get a hangover and can’t bounce back like you used to. Then have to go to work on Monday. 9. You don’t recognise any of your favourite bands’ new songs, because you haven’t listened to them, because they’re too mainstream. 10. You know none of the newer acts. And don’t listen to K-Pop. 11. You’ve already been to [insert name of festival] three to four times before. 12. You now have an office job, so you’re no longer in the peak physical condition required to survive a mosh pit. You’re also so old you now have a backache.
$45. Now they cost $400. 14. You spend the entire day searching for personal space. 15. You look for shade to sit in. When you realise there isn’t any, you congratulate yourself for preapplying sunscreen. 16. You fall into a deep depression when you lose items during the day. Most devastatingly the sunscreen tube on your lanyard. 17. Your family asks you to chaperone your younger cousin at the festival. 18. You can no longer jump the fence. We once heard a story about a 23-year-old reveler that tried and broke her leg instead. Yeah, it happens. 19. You voice your disappointment that the festival doesn’t provide adequate seating. 20. You try to focus on the act that’s playing, but all you can think about is the sweaty youth brushing up against you. 21. You no longer see the fun side of being groped by strangers. 22. You choose to drive to the festival, even though public transport comes free with the ticket. 23. You leave the festival before the last act, and you’re okay with it. 24. You see acts perform that are younger than you are and feel inadequate because you haven’t done anything with your life and will never amount to as much as these kids have.
ILLUSTRATION: RODNEY CHAN
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IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? BOOK
THE GREAT GATSBY How does one of the most acclaimed novels in history remain so seductive and relevant decades after its release? The story is narrated by Nick Carraway who, in the summer of 1922, moves to the West Egg district of Long Island, New York – a wealthy but unfashionable area populated by the ‘new’ rich. Carraway’s neighbour, Jay Gatsby is a mysterious figure who lives in a gigantic house and throws lavish parties. Carraway soon learns that Gatsby’s extravagant lifestyle and legendary soirees are an attempt to impress Daisy Buchanan, who lives across the bay in East Egg. The short novel distils an essence of glamour and delusion, relevant not only to 1920s New York but also to our world today, where obsession with wealth and status remains recognisable and money still keeps unhappy people together. One criticism of Gatsby could be the prevalence of unlikable characters. Buchanan’s ridiculous nonsense-talk does not cease, making us wonder why Gatsby could be desperately in love with a woman so irritating. But F. Scott Fitzgerald’s objectivity in dealing with these characters and their ideals – projected mainly through Carraway’s commentary – justifies why he chose them to tell his story. It is through Carraway, the perpetual outsider, that the author projects his disillusionment with post-war America, illustrating the moral failures of society and proving that likeable people don’t always make for a good book. Ultimately there will always be a division between the ‘East Egg’ and ‘West Egg’ of every society, and there will always be people who want things they can’t have. Fitzgerald depicts this universal conflict between illusion and reality. It is the tragedy of this reality that renders the novel timeless.
FILM
SONG FOR MARION
MUSIC
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS – COLD WAR KIDS
ARCHIBALD PRIZE 2013
Terence Stamp plays a grumpy pensioner, frustrated by the rambunctious community choral group that provides his cancer-stricken wife (Vanessa Redgrave) a healthy distraction in her final days. However, over time his icy heart thaws, and with the help of their conductor (Gemma Arterton) and his estranged son (Christopher Eccleston), he discovers the joy of air-guitar, rapping about sex and other cheap ironies. I didn’t set out to be snippy; it’s just frustrating how the premise doesn’t translate into something more compelling. “For family”, reads the ending title card, yet the movie preceding it treats its family of geriatrics with all the pitying sight-gags of a lazy comedy. One does his back in doing ‘the robot’, and another has lipstick painted on him while he dozes. Both occur completely apropos of nothing else in the film. I’d call it undermining, but with the drama being so sketchily plotted, there’s not much to undermine. It’s a strangely dispassionate and halfhearted movie, creating some potentially interesting conflicts and problems for its characters, only to sweep them under the rug in a clichéd finale. The end result is a mostly insincere piece of bafflement that will be excused as a Sunday afternoon treat for senior audiences, like Quartet and Best Exotic Marigold Hotel before it. But why? This mentality of saying “well, it’s okay for them” is frankly rather pious and short selling. Your grandparents have probably been through too much genuine hardship to be so easily impressed by this. Hell, if they’re anything like my grandmother, they’ve got a better story to tell themselves. Old age and decrepitude is no obstacle for self-enrichment, but we don’t need clumsy efforts like this to remind us. We need Up instead.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts is instantly recognisable as a Cold War Kids album, and most of its strength comes from combining new and old sounds. ‘Jailbirds’ is the perfect example, with piano and drum figures that will inspire a head-nodding reaction in even the most unwilling listener. The first track off the album, ‘Miracle Mile’ is a typical Cold War Kids song, brimming with upbeat hooks and echoing vocals. It’s a great start to the album, but unfortunately one of the few high points. Cold War Kids have been in the American indie scene for almost a decade, and they’ve created their own sound that is undeniably reminiscent of The Killers. This is quite obvious in ‘Fear and Trembling’, a slower song featuring a gospelsounding choir. The song features tribal drumming and the hint of a bluesy tone that unites perfectly with the yearning voice of lead vocalist, Nathan Willett. As the album continues, it gets gradually darker, with ‘Dear Miss Lonelyhearts’ – a stripped-down ballad that is beautiful but disappointing, as it lacks that distinctive quality that makes a single lovable. Cold War Kids are a remarkably skilled group that are occasionally able to produce stunning singles. However, Dear Miss Lonelyhearts is a clear display that the band is still navigating the industry, and themselves. It has some strong, enjoyable tracks but as a collection of songs it doesn’t quite meet expectations. If they do manage to do some selfexploration, secure some strong inspiration and discover their own unique sound, we will, no doubt, be hearing more amazing, heart-stopping tracks from Cold War Kids in the future.
One might think that the art world has fallen victim to celebrity worship, after Del Kathryn Barton’s vibrant portrait of actor Hugo Weaving won this year’s Archibald Prize. However, the diversity of subjects – from protesters to philanthropists – indicates that the acclaimed award continues to challenge expectations. Works depicting prominent personalities, such as Abey McCullough’s warped portrait of Naomi Watts and Matthew Lynn’s Packing-Room-Prize-winning portrait of Tara Moss, continue to attract audiences. Yet, the limelight is shared by striking self-portraits, such as Michael Zavros’, Bad Dad. Similarly appealing are works that play with the lightdarkness dichotomy. In Jasper Knight’s, Adam Cullen: the light is a drip on a dark hood, loose stokes and yellow hues focus on the softer side of the recently deceased Cullen (famous for his Archibald-winning portrait of David Wenham). In contrast, the darkness and classical style of Michael Vale’s Warren Ellis draws upon Ellis’ haunting and timeless music scores. Like most contemporary art, there was the obligatory comment on social media obsession present in Natasha Bieniek’s Application, a slick, glossy, miniaturised, smartphone-sized portrait. One criticism of the exhibition would be that the hoards of patrons hovering near the portraits tend to block the written explanations. It would be excellent if the Art Gallery of NSW could follow Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) move, distributing iPods with QR scanners to read the ‘art wanks’, however conservatism and public funding may prove barriers to this change. After its run at the Art Gallery of NSW (ending June 2), the collection will tour the country, sharing its celebration of Australian artists.
- DOMINIC BARLOW
- MAYA ROSE
- ELIZA BERLAGE
The Great Gatsby opens in cinemas May 30.
- MAIREAD ARMSTRONG
EXHIBITION
THRONESCOPES
BORED STUPID?!
STEPH DI VAL KNOWS THAT WINTER IS COMING, SO SHE’S LOOKED BEYOND THE WALL TO DECIPHER THE SONG OF ICE AND FIRE FOR ALL OUR HOUSES.
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GEMINI
SCORPIO
PISCES
20 May – 21 June
23 October – 22 November
18 February – 20 March
Some people throw their babies out into the snow, some people are nurturers, while others hunt their bastards down. Be careful where you sow your seed this month, because while babies are great, they occasionally cause a little more trouble than expected.
Your allegiances are fading into the background as you find a new role model. Be careful when cutting ties, because people aren’t forgiving of deserters. You might want to be the King Beyond the Wall, but nothing has changed. We all still think you’re a bastard.
Watch out for wildfire this month, as people who don’t like you will throw fiery things in your fishbowl. Also stay away from flammable materials such as wooden ships or you may encounter problems with power-hungry red-headed women.
CANCER
SAGITTARIUS
ARIES
20 May – 21 June
22 November – 21 December
20 March – 19 April
You’ve got your hands in some nasty but profitable businesses. Be careful how intricately you play people, because whispers and secrets are often rumours and lies. Don’t come unstuck by mixing business with pleasure or with the plots and schemes of others. A sticky end is in store for you.
Stay away from people dressed in lots of white, especially during the approach of winter. They are not friendly, and their piercing blue eyes are kind of freaky. Stay in the south as much as possible, and keep to warmer areas, as these mean beings live in the icy north.
Odds are that you’re going to shed some of your coat. Selfish people are going to fleece you and leave you quivering in the snow. Watch out for lonely farmers who might mistake your warmth for something on the creepy side, or keep your pen locked at night.
VIRGO
CAPRICORN
TAURUS
23 August – 22 September
21 December – 20 January
19 April – 20 May
Your affinity with animals means you walk a dangerous line. Your non-human friends may cause fear in those around you, as their desire to protect you grows stronger. If you want your dirty work done for you, save energy by sending dragons or direwolves instead of going yourself.
Your words are poisonous and you think they equate to gospel. Female Capricornians are particularly risky this month, as their presence instills fear and despair. Fighting her will only lead to you being put behind bars, without food. We can’t all be omnipotent, so give it up to those who want it more.
Get your fight face on, because right now everybody hates you. Your motto is “Ours is the Fury”, and amputation is your thing. Use these to your advantage this month, just don’t get caught with your sister or brother. That shit doesn’t fly. Although the person who catches you might.
LIBRA
AQUARIUS
22 September – 23 October
20 January – 18 February
Don’t be upset when your parent does something that appears to betray you. Letting your main bargaining chip slip away may have interesting effects in the future and ultimately work to your advantage. It also might not. But you’ll have to wait and see. It’s your mum, so forgive her.
Yeah, there’s no hope for you because it’s a simple fact that water gets icy, unpleasant, and sometimes freezes in the cold. Resign yourself to the fact that no amount of thermals, snuggies or hug-amugs will improve your disposition this month.
/ ISSUE 5
*Leo was beheaded in the first season. Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.
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ISSUE 5 /
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SA REPORTS
SA REPORTS
LYNDAL BUTLER PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENT ASSOCIATION
LUCY BONANNO EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION
Hello again, Looks like we’re getting to the tough end of semester as final assessments and exams loom. Unfortunately, they’re not the only thing darkening our horizon; as the Federal Election date approaches promises are being rained upon us by increasingly desperate politicians, but very few are appealing to students. Here are just a few Government and Opposition policies that have recently come to light. University funding cuts On Saturday, April 13 the Minister for Tertiary Education, Craig Emerson, announced that the Government plans to cut upwards of $2 billion from universities Australia-wide to fund the Gonski reforms. This absurd act of robbing Peter to pay Paul will benefit no-one overall. Students might have a better time when they’re in school, but decreasing standards at university will make degrees almost worthless. In a bizarre move, the Coalition has since announced that they plan to keep the cuts, but not implement the Gonski reforms. This means that students in both high school and university would lose under an Abbott government. Start-up Scholarships Many students around the country rely on Startup Scholarships to support themselves at university. These scholarships were designed to provide greater opportunities to students from low socioeconomic status (SES) backgrounds who may not otherwise have access to a university education. Now the government wants students to PAY for their Start-up Scholarships. This only serves to increase student debt which can already take up to a decade to pay off.
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Indigenous scholarships Something you may not have heard about in the news is the impact of these cuts on Indigenous student scholarships. These scholarships are often the difference between Indigenous students choosing to come to university or not, and increasing debt only serves to disempower communities that have already suffered from unjust government policies. Female students The government is also silent on the effects of increased student debt on female students. The gender pay gap between male and female university graduates already impacts on the time it takes for women to pay off their HECS debt. The increase in student debt from student scholarships is expected to be between 21-37%, and for women this could mean up to an extra decade to pay off their debt. Take Action Now! The Students’ Association is working to stop this assault on our education. Join us in raising our voices in protest against these cuts – let’s send a message to the Government and the Opposition that education is a right, not a privilege, and it’s time to stop attacking our students and our country’s future. Get involved! EMAIL: sapresident2013@uts.edu.au
Ahoy hoy all, how ye be? Exam prep going okay? Or is it those assignments that are killing your weekend? Well, if you get a second (a.k.a. if you need an excuse better than Facebook to procrastinate) the Students’ Association has had stuff going on everywhere. May 14th So that thing that happened? Yeah? Remember that Tuesday? Well if you were one of the multitude of students that looked perplexed and didn’t get a chance to hear me (or any of our amazing SA peeps that be chillin’) explaining what we were going on about, here’s a rundown. Basically, the government wants to cut $2.3 billion from the tertiary education budget. That is not a cool thing to do, especially as it fucks up scholarships for a lot of students and increases HECS debt like crazy, plus discounts (like the 10% off with upfront payment) will be a thing of the past. On top of that, the quality of our education is at serious risk, with more and more of our lecturers nationwide facing casualisation, more courses being cut and in some extreme cases, entire faculties. Anyone else thinking this is a little on the shit side? Yeah… So that happened, perhaps your next question is why were we on the Alumni Green and not getting y’all out on the streets yelling and screaming? Remember those two National Days of Action that happened (I’m assuming the entire student body hangs on every word of these reports of mine, so of course you’re all aware of the yelling and screaming that happened). Well, your participation in our fun, chilled picnic-party thing we had going seemed like a better way to protest. I thought you’d agree.
Welfare Anyhoo, I’ve been seeing some of you cooler kids chilling at the Welfare Department’s discussion/panel nights. How awesome are they?! If you didn’t just reply with “Hellz yeah boii” you obviously are missing out, and you should probably check them out. We’ve got a few more running over the next couple of weeks and we will be looking into doing a similar sort of thing in the future. So if you’ve got suggestions, let me know. Education So, rolling with the theme of ‘What the hell are y’all doing with my edu-ma-cation’ the UTS Education Action Group is starting a new campaign that will encompass most of the crap that’s been happening. Seeing as I get a call preparing me for the apocalypse of higher education every few weeks, this should save some time and stress. However, I am in need of people power and new ideas. So hey there you, perhaps you should come chill in the Students’ Association on Mondays around 5pm, and we can have a mad chat about what type of action we want to take (suggestions such as Captain Planetlike rings of power have and will be taken seriously). So, any of this take your fancy? Well email me for all them deets. Information bombardment over!
EMAIL: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com
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COLLECTIVES
RUDI BREMER UTS INDIGNEOUS OFFICER
ADWOA HUMPHREYS UTS WELFARE OFFICER
Yaama everyone,
The Welfare Collective’s objective is to protect the health, happiness, and fortunes of all students attending the University of Technology, Sydney. The Collective was established by students in 2012 and is continuing to develop, with student initiatives and student funds. It operates in conjunction with the Education Action Group, run by the Education Vice President Lucy Bonanno. Both Lucy and I consider student welfare and education vital aspects of every student’s day-to-day activities and university lifestyle. For this reason the Collective meets at the same time to discuss student-related issues. This semester we are hosting a range of seminars beginning with a ‘Moving out of home Q and A session’, aimed at informing students about their rights, responsibilities and obligations once they have left their guardians’ residences and moved into a different housing arrangement. The second seminar will highlight the importance of health and dietary needs. The third seminar will be aimed at educating students in affordable means of buying/obtaining food. The five selfelected students will talk about how/where they shop or dumpster dive on a day-to-day basis. These forums have been constructed to allow for informal discussion and to encourage freedom of thought for all student attendees. We are currently developing seminars for the rest of the year, and encourage student support and ideas for future Welfare Collective events. For those interested in learning more about education and welfare at UTS, the joint Collective meetings commence on May 7 and will be held at the Students’ Association office on Level 3 of the Tower Building. We hope to see you there.
As we head towards the end of semester there’s a lot to celebrate (not the least of which is that blissful week when all of your exams and assignments are finished and you haven’t received your marks so theoretically you’ve aced everything). But my favourite celebration at this time of year is National Aborigines and Islanders Day Observance Committee (NAIDOC) Week. Not sure what NAIDOC Week is? Well, quite simply, it’s a week to acknowledge the successes and achievements of Indigenous people and celebrate Indigenous culture and history. Each year there is a theme around which all the celebrations and discussions are centred. This year the theme is ‘We value the vision: Yirrkala Bark Petitions 1963’. The Yirrkala Bark Petitions were a landmark case in which the Yolgnu people of Yirrkala in northeast Arnhem Land presented the Australian House of Representatives with two bark petitions against the Commonwealth granting mining rights on their land. The case is said to have been a catalyst for the 1967 referendum, the acknowledgement of Aboriginal land rights in 1976, and the overturning of the concept of ‘terra nullius’ by the High Court in 1992. And now in 2013, this theme is about understanding and celebrating the connection that Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people share to country. For Indigenous people, country means more than just the area of land we and our families come from. It means our communities, our history, and an energy that defies definition (I know words for it in a couple of different Aboriginal language groups but unfortunately not one from my own). In celebrating this connection, we are reminded of our roots, and when uni and work start piling up it’s nice to have a reminder of the good things. Hopefully everyone is able to take a little time this July to celebrate NAIDOC Week. And in doing so, is able to reaffirm their own connection to country.
EMAIL: indig.at.uts@gmail.com
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