Stuff You

A Notice to Cease and Desist Faisal haMza wishes he shined more shoes. chaRlie Mills is embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t like avocado.

Sam Smithson AKA Sam ASSson AKA Buttface Smithson AKA L0ser

The opposite end of my Step-Mum’s House Cul-De-Sac

Re: Cease and Desist Demand

Elliot ‘The Money’ Gould My Stepmum’s House Cul-De-Sac Perth, WA, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, Universe Three (probably, idk)

Dear Sam Smithson AKA Sam ASSson AKA Buttface Smithson AKA L0ser: Please relocate (or, better yet, incinerate) your stupid idiot ‘lemonade’ stand out of MY cul-de-sac. I have been doing business here for a very long time, ever since last week when my Dad said I was allowed to, provided I finished my Mathletics homework. The locals have gotten used to my signature sweet chilli x garlic aioli x Mountain Dew x red-thingfrom-my-step-mum’s-pantry-mega-mix lemonade and I think it is unfair and ridiculous of you to start selling a second brand of lemonade. One is enough; two is unreasonable and overwhelming and crazy and stupid. Your inferior product has no place here. In addition, your use of unsavoury business tactics, namely the use of water balloons and a hose to disrupt my stand, is unsavoury and in violation of countless fair-trade practices. This will serve as your legal notice to cease and desist all further actions described above. I may use telephone recording devices to document any telephone or Discord conversations that we may have in the future when we play on Stacey Miller’s Minecraft PVP server if you fail to comply with this cease and desist letter. You are hereby instructed to comply with this letter immediately or face legal sanctions under applicable federal and state or territory law (the prime minister may come bash you). I intend to keep a log of any contact you make with me after you receive this letter. Please give this very important matter the utmost attention and please stop telling Stacey Miller that my lemonade tastes like pee because it factually doesn’t, and if I had a crush on her, WHICH I DON’T, but if I did, that would be super embarrassing and she probably wouldn’t want to talk to me and also ban me from her server which would suck because I would lose my Unbreaking III, Sharpness V, and Smite II Diamond sword which I grinded super hard for. I would like to remind both you and your legal team (your dad doesn’t count because he’s an actual lawyer, that’s not fair) that if you choose not to resolve this and allow it to reach court, you will be liable for both the damages incurred and any associated legal costs to our client.

Sincerely, Elliot ‘The Money’ Gould Representing Elliot Gould

INSIDE THIS EDITION:

The Establishment Blues - Jack Meakins the fifty move rule - Ellie Fisher ART - The Ten QMandments - Paige Bentley Thanks For Participating - Aideen Gallagher