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Huge shout out to me for remembering to eat my two fruit and five veg today. Just wondering if this hot new habit qualifies me to be a frontline health worker? I’m trying to get one of those vaccines everyone’s been going on about.

Kind regards,

Boost Juice Advocate I’ve successfully convinced everyone that I’m some kind of hot mess express even though everything in my life is honestly going pretty well at the moment. Now I just cruise by while exceeding everyone’s expectations. “You’re feeling behind? I haven’t watched ANY of my lectures.”

Sincerely,

The girl who went to all of her lectures in person

Winner from the Con/Test

Testing Our Patience The Untold Testimonies of Parking at UWA

esha Jessy thinks Love Actually is a shit movie. couRtney WitheRs got shat on by a pelican the other day.

It’s 9 a.m. Monday morning. You’ve left yourself an ample amount of time; you set your alarm half an hour earlier than you needed to, only had one coffee instead of two, and you’ve got your sweatband on, ready to face the wrath of finding a parking spot at UWA. It’s game time.

Pulling into the rows of parking bays at Reid, you can see it already — you’re too late. You’re too bloody late. The rigmarole and blackhole of parking at UWA has swallowed you whole. Next, onto ‘The Pit’. Maybe you’ll have more luck there.

Hearing the scratches under your car as you zoom over the potholes - which simultaneously turn your steering wheel into a spinning DJ deck - you see it again. You’re too bloody late, even for The Pit. What about some street parking? Nope, you’re too late for that, even. It seems that the families at Matilda Bay with their ‘chippies’ and cricket bats are a stronger force to reckon with than you may have thought. Go home soldier — you’ve lost the battle for today. This narrative is not an uncommon one it seems, and so, we thought we would take it upon ourselves to collate testimonies from some fellow UWA students that are suffering in silence. These are the tales of the unnamed heroes, the underdogs even, that weren’t the lucky ones. They’ve had their patience tested, and unfortunately, they’re losing hope by the minute.

All of these testimonies are real, and anyone who claims they are ‘made up’ or ‘undoubtedly fictitious’, needs to ahh…sort themselves out. Here are the ‘testimonies’ from UWA students we gathered:

“I once came to Uni and parked in The Pit. I never saw my car again.” - Sad Anonymous

“I was once witness to some pretty serious car park rage. It was the last yellow student spot left. Naturally, one car went to drive in and well, the other car T-boned them straight in the side. A nice little T-Bone steak. Bon Appetit!™ Katy Perry.” - Anonymous Bystander

“Sometimes I just drive around and pretend to have found a parking spot, just so I can imagine what it feels like to have actually found a parking spot. I still have never found a parking spot.” - Unnamed Hopeful

“When I do finally find a spot, I park across as many bays as I can. People need to suffer like I have suffered.” - Selfish Asshole

“Once I got to uni and spent an hour looking for parking. I gave up and just went home.” - Anonymous Professor

“I did one of those flyer drops to houses around UWA in the hope of being able to park in a driveway. One lady got back to me and said it would cost me $300 for the semester. I’m now $300 down in my bank account, but you know what? At least I have 100% participation for all my tutes.” – Unnamed Desperate

“I drove past a pothole in The Pit today. I swear I saw the Earth’s core. Imagine that. I’ve seen the centre of the Earth, but never a parking spot at UWA.” – Anonymous Explorer

“Once, I indicated into a parking spot when I thought this person was getting into their car to leave. They waved me off to tell me they weren’t leaving, so naturally, I bitch-stared them. Guess who finally got a parking spot!” - Anonymous Bully

“Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I just parked my car on James Oval. Would it start a revolution? Would that make me a revolutionary? Food for thought...” - Anonymous Rebel “I couldn’t find parking today.” - Fed-up

“I dunno why people are so angry about parking at UWA. Just park in Matilda Bay. It’s not that hard. My favourite spot is between the tiny jetty and the yachts.” - Scuba Diver

Now, you may be wondering what we intend to do with these testimonies. It’s all well and good to publish this in the Pelican, but how is this actually going to help you? When has a Pelican writer actually done something productive about the pains of day-to-day university life, instead of just writing a lovely article about it? That’s where things are going to change, our dear friends.

We will be taking these testimonies, your pains and struggles, to the horrific nuisance that is UWA Parking, and doing something about it. We will fight for justice - we will fight for you!

Our plan is to print every single testimony that you’ve read here today, and stick them on the backs of toilet cubicle doors, every single desk at Reid, on every single Whoosh bike, on the UWA Security buggies, and on the foreheads of passersby. This way, everyone will be reminded of the day-to-day struggle of finding a car park, so that one day when do you find that deliciously perfect car park next to the lecture you’re going to, you will remember that there is still a testimony about Katy Perry’s ‘Bon Appetit’ stuck to your head. You’re welcome.

Happy parking everyone!