Pelican Volume 92 Edition 6 - /

/ 92.6

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AFTER WE WANT HOURS YOUR OLD PELICAN AT THE MAGAZINES! TAV

The UWA Student Guild wants to complete our collection (back to 1930) because there are gaps. If you, or your parents, or even your grandparents have copies stashed away – before you throw them away, please consider donating THE PRESIDENTIAL SESSION them to the Guild Archive!

10PM TIL LATE

Please contact the Guild Archivist,

NOT THE UWA Melissa Hetherington for further information. melissa.hetherington@guild.uwa.edu.au +61 6488 2832 2

PRESI MILLI RILEY TORIAL TORIAL TORIAL

Hello Pelican readers, We are back again for the finale and another shameless plug.

I’m sure some of us have thrown ourselves deeply into campus life while others have more cautiously dipped a toe in the water. Whether you have run for elections or just attended a couple of events, I hope your experience this year has been pleasurable. It’s never too late to get involved with the amazing portfolios the Guild runs – from the International Students’ Department to the Albany Students Association, the Societies Council to the Pride Department, the Environment Department to the WA Student Aboriginal Corporation and many more. You can get in touch with them through hello@guild. uwa.edu.au.

As most of us drag our tired feet and hungover brains into the final stretch of our semester, I can only wish you all stay caffeinated and prepared for your exams.

Regardless of the results, you can always come back into the welcoming arms of the Guild & Campus Culture. I end this by noting the increasingly pungent smell in the air of Aerogard and beers and bestow upon you my blessings for a hot-girl-summer.

There’s a lot that happens behind closed doors / under covers…

Behind the scenes of this front cover is the patient Maya Faulds precariously perched on a ladder / Riley activating his core strength to stay afloat / Riley’s mum chucking magazines to us in the water.

The shot cost us upwards of $63 / in Riley’s words, our social capital...so we hope you enjoy!

Behind this cover, you’ll also find great content from our contributors and wonderful subeditors / media team / artists… these are the people who have helped this year’s Pelican to soar - so a huge thank you to them.

You may even be lucky enough to see them stripped down to the essentials!

And a big thank you to YOU, our readers, for following us online and picking up our magazines - we hope our little publication has given you a teaser of the talent among our students / some food for thought / a little smile here and there!

‘If you don’t punctuate, you don’t graduate’, as the famous UWA saying that I just invented goes. Every little punctuation mark is important; every little punctuation mark has its unique, idiosyncratic role.

For Pelican this year, ‘/‘ has inspired, destabilised, unsettled, and challenged. The slash is a powerful little line, and little did we know that it would be so apt for this year at UWA, with slashed courses and people’s jobs and studies on a knife-edge.

Guided by / we’ve done our best to cover it all, while continuing to provide a space for student voices online and in these beautiful lil’ magazines (slashed to half the size of an A4!)

We hope we’ve made you laugh, made you think, and made you at least a little bit fired-up this year. Enjoy this edition – The Naked Slash.

Thanks to our fantastic team, and to our contributors and helpers (especially the wizard Xander). It’s been a wild ride – slash you on the flip side xoxo

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Contents /

NUDES NUDES NUDES! – Various Contributors | Pages 33-43 & Page 75 Do-It-Yourself Pelican Popup! – Hnin Ei Kyaw Win | Page 45 ARTS

Explaining MONA to my Grandmother – Clea Sanders | Page 52 Unbound: A Review – Izabela Barakovska | Page 67 CAMPUS AFFAIRS

The Journal of a Random UWA Student – Milvert Ling | Page 49 COMEDY

Report: Violence in Media Most Common in Rug Commercials – Charlie Mills | Page 66 The Return of John F. Kennedy, President/ Astronaut/American – Giles Chan | Page 68 DIVERSITY

Lament of a Most-Popular BNOC – Anonymous | Page 72

FASHION

MET/GALA – Ruby Marguerite | Page 30 Let’s Have a Hot Girl Summer! – Mary MacDonald | Page 60 FILM

Freaky: A Grisly, Girlboss Murder-Spree – Rachel Denham-White | Page 62 LIFESTYLE

Confessions of a (Former) Forward Slash – Clea Sanders | Page 6 This or That: UWA Edition – Courtney Withers | Page 14 LITERATURE WRITING

AND

CREATIVE

Best Invitations to Critical Theory – Laurent Shervington | Page 56 Not Breathing – Manveen Kaur Kohli | Page 58 An Ode to the Smokers’ Area – Emma Horak | Page 59 Berenice’s Lover – Rachel Denham-White

| Page 64 Earth Cry – Owen Gust | Page 70

The views expressed within this magazine are not the opinions of the UWA Student Guild or Pelican Editorial Staff but of the individual artists and writers.

The Pelican team acknowledges that the UWA Campuses are located on the lands of the Whadjuk and Mineng peoples of the Noongar nation, the original and continuing storytellers and custodians of their lands. These lands were stolen, and sovereignty was never ceded.

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How can YOU get involved? Join our Pelicreators 2021 Facebook group, or email the Editors at pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au

Sub-Editors ARTS - Matt Bryan & Natasha Brandon MUSIC

The Wave Rock Weekender: An Exposé – Jack Meakins & Saul Revell | Page 8 POLITICS

@#%\!: Who Your Favourite Punctuation Will Vote For – Luke Barber | Page 18 COLUMN: Politicontiki – WA/ustralia – Phoebe Levin | Page 20 SCIENCE

No Life on a Naked Earth – Jack Logan | Page 22 SPORT

NAKED / The Swanbourne Nudist Olympics – Nicholas Warrand | Page 28 TECHNOLOGY AND GAMING

Cloud Wars – Julian Coleman | Page 26 PES/e-Football 2022: A New Era – Tim Wong | Page 28

CAMPUS AFFAIRS - Camila Egusquiza and Aideen Young COMEDY - Charlie Mills & Faisal Hamza DIVERSITY - Amman Bari & Cleo Robins FASHION - Emma Forsyth FILM - Amy Papasergio & Boa Antahputro ECONOMICS AND FINANCE - Brook Lewis & Charles Fedor LIFESTYLE - Courtney Withers LITERATURE AND CREATIVE WRITING Elena Perse and Ellie Fisher MUSIC - Jack Meakins POLITICS - Luke Barber & Maddi Broad SPORT - Nicholas Warrand & Lulu Suleski SCIENCE - Jack Logan & Paris Javid

ART

Journal of a Random UWA Student – Hnin Ei Kyaw Win | Page 49 PHOTOGRAPHY

Parks on a Pedestal: Point Resolution Reserve – Ashley Browse | Page 44

TECHNOLOGY AND GAMING - Ahmed Suliman Pelican Editors 2021 Riley Faulds & Millie Muroi Magazine designed by Xander Sinclair

For Pelican this year, we’re having an all-new ‘Pelican Plus’ section online for each issue.

Wherever you see this little tech-whiz pelican, there will be illustrations, diagrams, further content or exciting ideas related to that page/section. Go online to pelicanmagazine.com. au to see all the bonus content for this issue.

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Confessions of a (Former) Forward Slash Clea Sanders knows there are no small parts, only small actors.

It was the spring of 2010.

‘Dynamite’ by Taio Cruz was on every kid’s iPod nano, lunchtime handball games were more competitive than most Olympic sports, and Smiggle electric sharpeners had just been banned at my school.

There was a buzz in the air; partly because Healthy Harold had just visited and told us all what drugs were, and partly because our class was about to start rehearsals for our Year Six assembly item (AKA our Superbowl).

I felt quietly confident about my chances of securing a role large enough to get me out of class for the next few weeks. Throughout my primary school career, I’d already amassed a

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series of acting credits that were impressive in their diversity, if little else. My resumé included Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother, Pirate #3, Endangered Animal Poacher, and Narrator (the role assigned by default to the students with the most advanced reading level and least advanced social skills).

This assembly, however, was the big leagues.

Our teacher informed us that we were going to perform an original piece, much more cerebral than the derivative fairytale adaptations of years past. Punctuation Smart would be a gritty, atmospheric deep-dive into the inner lives of punctuation marks (plus it all rhymed, so the lines would be easy for us to remember).

Lots of words rhyme with ‘slash’. My favourites: unabashed balderdash

Although there was to be no audition process, we couldn’t help but decide which role we were each ‘going for’. The full stop was obviously the star of the show, but we were eleven years old and no one wanted to have to say ‘period’ in front of the whole school, so it was decidedly un-coveted.

Personally, I felt drawn to the avant-garde asterisk, but there were two of those, and I saw myself as more of a solo performer so that was a no-go.

After being assigned to the role of the forward slash, a punctuation mark I considered criminally underrated, I was determined to do the role justice. I considered going full method and walking on a slant for the next month, but being dangerously clumsy, I chose to try and get inside the slash’s mind instead.

Did it feel like it was competing with the comma every time someone made a comparison? Was it proud of the fact that it had become such an integral part of the Internet? Or did it resent the way technology was eroding traditional linguistic structures?

What was it like being appropriated for use as a mathematical symbol – was this the stigmeological equivalent of fraternising with the enemy?

Fortunately, some of these questions were answered by my character’s stirring monologue, which I am ashamed to admit I still partially remember:

Solidus is my real name, but forward slash will do Just watch me take over when the rest of you won’t do I separate; I substitute, with talents I am blessed No one can live without me, I’m in every web address The fact that I can still recall the exact words I was expected to emphasise and enunciate but can’t remember my email password, seems like evidence of how little we know about the workings of the human mind. Yet, maybe my brief stint as a forward slash had more of a profound effect on me than I realised.

Could a simple / be the reason that I remain perennially in/decisive, constantly, ambivalently vacillating between either/or?

The reason I’m always asking my friends whether they’d be keen for ‘coffee/brunch/ dinner/drinks (but no worries if not!!)’? Or is it a copout to blame your personality flaws on a piece of punctuation?

Un/surprisingly, I still haven’t reached a firm conclusion on this, a whole // years later. I have decided, however, that both personally and in the high-stakes world of school assemblies, it’s a/ok to be oblique.

Actually, Unabashed Balderdash descibes Pelican 2021 perfectly!

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The Wave Rock Weekender: An Exposé Jack Meakins and Saul Revell

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One of the floating magazines in our front cover nude saved a drowning bee...

The first thing you’re likely to appreciate about Wave Rock is how hard the ground is. Whether it’s spending hours banging tent pegs into rock with Doc Marten’s – or finding out firsthand facedown, falling victim to some BCF-endorsed tripwire of a tent line – it’s a reality that forces itself onto you without restraint. We brought a mattress thinking we’d keep ourselves a few steps ahead. Turns out even Tempur memory foam causes back problems in Hyden – a sick joke that is.

The only real solace you can take in all this – and something you’ll probably repeat to yourself a couple of times over the weekend to boost morale – is that “everyone’s in this together”. The cacophonic clamour of pegs on solid rock for a kilometre around you makes for a chorus as unifying as it is utterly soul-destroying, and there was a mutual sense of both humour and despair at seeing tents grow wings and abscond on journeys in the wind. We really aren’t in Kansas anymore.

Your first impression as you blearily emerge through a tent flap into the torturously bright first morning of Wave Rock is the almost incongruous stillness that pervades throughout the campsite – seemingly at odds with the frantic anticipation of the evening before. Brightly coloured flags of pink, orange, and turquoise dart in the wind as if banners of a Mongol war camp, marking pathways between camps and to various amenities.

More and more people begin appearing from the campsite, going about their own morning routines. You smile and chat as your long-lost friends and acquaintances of the previous night begin to coalesce around you.

Somehow, as the conversations swell and ebb around you, the hazy discontented feeling left over from the first night’s frivolities leaves you, to be replaced by the contentedness of knowing that everyone around you feels more or less the same, beckoning anticipation of a repeat performance a few hours from now.

It’s that moment when you realise that this is

...which is by far the best use Pelican has ever been put to. Beautiful.

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what sets Wave Rock apart from other music festivals, and even from other gigs.

This theme of drear unity – of an unspoken oneness – pervades the Wave Rock Weekender as much as the rock does the rust-stained earth. In one sense this was true long before the event – even long before the rock was given its anglicised designation. Katter Kich as it was known by its original custodians, the Ballardong Noongar people, was a part of a dreaming trail created by the Rainbow Serpent – a tradition that would unite people over song and dance till present day. Another sense of this stems from music itself, and its penchant for community-building – especially in an otherwise culturally sterile environment such as Western Australia. As effectively a 2.6 million square kilometre mining town, it’s hard for people in the scene not to know each other, or at least share some common yet profoundly formative experience on the streets of Fremantle.

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What makes Wave Rock Weekender truly magical is that it realises this in a hearteningly proximal sense. Hordes of strangers, bound by the fact they can bear West Australian music enough to front the $350+ price tag, make the pilgrimage, and leave – however transient – as friends. On our first trips, it took us a while to get used to being greeted by everyone you walked by. Waving at oncoming cars on the drive was more a dispassionate finger reflex than any sort of practice. Yet by the last morning, the line for the shower had become our closest group of mates – well at least for those soberingly frost-fuelled thirty minutes.

What’s more, there’s no real distinction between artists and festivalgoers. While West Australian music – and by extension its artists – isn’t exactly renowned for its rampant egotism or insularity, the event does very little to prevent you from accosting any artist of your choosing. We were walking the same paths as Alter Boy, using the same dunnies as Spacey Jane, and breathing the same dust as

Just had the craziest Wednesday - all the campus ducks were giant ants!

[insert ya fav artist from the schedule here] – you get the picture. As you watch Jack Davies wail platitudes from your spot within a crowd – seemingly hypnotised – it’s hard not to convince yourself he’s singing directly at you and for you alone.

were coming or not, friends were met with pure jubilation. “What are the chances we’re all here at the same time, 300+ kilometres from civilisation?” No one could care less for the extremely obvious answer – that we’d all bought tickets.

I think the most poignant sense of oneness we felt wasn’t with strangers or the artists, the land or the cold hard ground; it was with our friends, the people we already knew. In an age where Facebook exists, and knowing which of your friends will be at any given place is just a few clicks away, the oh-so-common Perth adage – ‘small world aye’ – starts to mean less and less. Encountering acquaintances and friends alike in crowds is more commonly artificially engineered than serendipitous.

While of course this isn’t a bad thing, and we admit we scoured the event page to see who we could nag when finding ourselves in some far yonder ditch, the Wave Rock Weekender seems to be reminiscent of this ‘small-world’ novelty. Whether we knew they

However, this isn’t what made the weekend truly special for us. In reality, we hardly saw our friends. Beyond the cartwheel-filled hysterics of the first couple of hours, we’d only really reunite in the mornings – typically accompanied by a “where did you go?” or a “thank god you’re alive” – only to split up once more. What meant the most is that we didn’t need to be with friends to know they were there listening to the same artists, meeting the same strangers, tripping over the same tents, and sleeping on the same cold, hard rock. Each of us had our own unique, yet mutually intelligible experiences – which will be told as stories, a little like the original custodians did – years and years from now.

Newest club on campus: Unsalted Cashew Society. Please join.

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Report Shows Violence in Media Most Common in Commercials for Rugs Charlie Mills has a crippling addiction to flannel shirts

BREAKING: A new report published by the University of Western Australia has shown that in Australia and across the world, violent language in the media is the most prevalent when depicted in small business commercials advertising budget rugs.

The report, which aimed to identify where violent language is most common, found rug commercials that reference ‘slashing prices’ are all too common on our screens.

“It’s goddamn everywhere,” said lead researcher Greg Collinson, “what did those poor prices ever do to you.”

Mr Collinson had originally predicted that the most violent language would be found in gritty HBO dramas but was shocked to learn that violent language was most prevalent in ads for rugs and furniture at a close second.

“And why in the goddamn hell is it always slashing? Never cutting or slicing? That’s what really annoys me,” he said, with his head in his hands.

Psychologist Karen Smith said of the phenomenon: “It’s really not necessary. It doesn’t make me want to buy your bloody rugs. This is just life now, I guess.”

We approached local rug salesman and commercial extraordinaire Robby ‘Rugmaster’ Richards to ask his opinion on the report.

“Of course, we use that kind of language the most,” he asserted, “the rug business is

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Okay so it’s The Bee Movie but the beehive is Reid Library...

cutthroat and slashing is the only way to get ahead.”

When asked about the language’s effect on children, Mr Rugmaster doubled down: “Slashing is a part of the rugging industry.

When I was a kid, I saw my father, Ryan ‘Rugman’ Richards slash a price in front of me. It was traumatising, but it made me the rug salesman I am today. I think about that every night.”

We asked Mr Rugmaster to elaborate, but he went really silent after that. He kept looking out the window pensively.

Child Psychologist Frank Simmonds explained the impact of this kind of language on children: “When we show children this kind of violent, disgusting imagery, they begin to normalise it. Kids are going to start to think its okay to slash prices, and if they’re slashing prices, well then what else is okay to slash? It’s a slippery slope.”

UWA’s report will be presented to the Media, Entertainment and Arts Alliance next month in an attempt to limit this kind of violent language appearing on Australian screens.

When asked what was next for this research, Mr Collinson said: “I don’t know. Maybe researching how dumb fast-food commercials are these days? Either that or I quit and become a hermit.”

....and Barry is a plucky Anthropology student trying to save their degree.

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THIS

or THAT

UWA edition Courtney Withers

With it being the last edition of the year, it’s time to carry along the ‘slash’ theme with a classic game of ‘THIS OR THAT: UWA edition’ - you are so welcome.

Get your handy magic biro out, cause it’s time to shake things up a bit. It’s been my pleasure being your Lifestyle Sub-editor for Pelican this year, and although I may lose a few #sponsorships over this article, it’s the least I can do for your entertainment. Circle the better option if you dare…

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UWA to prioritise job-readiness with new Grinding Boredom units

THIS

THAT

WAITING IN LINE FOR A CAMPUS KEBAB

SPENDING EVERY LAST PENNY AT UNIPRINT

PARKING TICKET DOESN’T PRINT READING EXAM TIMETABLE WRONG BNOC REID LIBRARY COFFEE

CONSTANT SNEEZER IN LECTURE LOUD GOSSIPER IN REID WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO STUDY GUILD HACK NO COFFEE AT ALL

@CONFESSIONS AT UWA

@UWA LOVE LETTERS

FAST LANE DURING GUILD ELECTIONS

NON-TEACHING WEEK

SPOTTING THE CUTE BABY DUCKS GROUP ASSIGNMENT GONE WRONG

NO LINE FOR THE MICROWAVE FOOD AT ONE OF THE BALLS KINDA SHIT

WEARING UWA MERCH TO UNI

FORGETTING TO PUT SHOES ON

PARKING IN THE PITT

BEING SEEN ON A WHOOSH BIKE

UNIFI BEING A PIECE OF TRASH SWAPPING MAJOR AFTER 3 YEARS OF STUDYING IT BROADWAY PIZZA CLOSED RUNNING FOR GUILD ELECTIONS SUBMITTING BY 11.59PM BEACH PROCRASTINATION SPOTTO DADDY MARK ON CAMPUS

FACEBOOK MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE ASKING YOU TO VOTE FOR THEM YEAR 12S STUDYING FOR WACE ON CAMPUS WALK FROM THE BUSINESS SCHOOL POSTING A PIC AT THE BLUE BOAT HOUSE SUCCESSFUL MOAT JUMP ATTEMPT COMPLETE SILENCE IN E-ZONE FREE LUNCH FROM A CLUB’S STALL

Share your results with us on the socials @PelicanMagazine Pēlįčåñ Mägāžîńē łøvêß dïãçrìtíčß

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NAKED / The Swanbourne Nudist Olympics Nicholas Warrand

It was a sunny Sunday in mid-February 2009; the air was warm but not too hot, with a lovely breeze coming in, when the TwentyFourth annual Nude Olympics was held for what might have been the last time.

What is a “Naked Olympics”, I hear you ask?

Well, unfortunately I couldn’t be there for the special day, but luckily the Swanbourne nudist club kept a healthy record of the events so we can live it as if we were there.

The Games opened with an official ceremony from someone called Cookie and two torchbearers running down the hot sand in what I’m sure were traditional togas, before stripping off and joining the rest.

The first game was ‘Eggs in Space’, as is tradition with what I’ll now be referring to as the clothed Olympics. The game involved throwing an egg high into space (the air) and 16

catching it as far away as you could without breaking it. Unfortunately, no winners are named – so we’ll just assume everyone won!

Now, I’m not going to just do a recap of all the games played as they’re all on the newsletter on the Free Beaches of Western Australia website; instead, I’ll highlight some particular favourites of mine.

Body painting Indulging in their creative sides, participants were welcomed to paint their bodies and show off their skills. Of those shown in the newsletter we had a man with a paintedon bikini, a woman with some wonderful colouring, and then a man with no paint on him. If I’m honest I don’t fully understand how the competition works but boy did it look fun.

Change every letter in this edition to ‘a’, and you have my internal monologue.

Best Bum Competition What I think may be my favourite of all the competitions of the day: the best bum competition. Split into male and female categories, competitors were hidden behind a banner, their bums were rated and they were awarded positions of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

A minor mishap which ended with the men’s banner falling down and revealing some of the bum’s occupants was a particular highlight for many there but in the end, winners had to be chosen with the painting of some red lips on the victor’s particular cheek. Check out the winners for yourself in the newsletter!

Tug of War The final event of the day, a giant tug of war between the “Dunes” and the “Oceans” with the Ocean crowd finding their feet and digging in for the win – just don’t think about the rope burn.

The sad part of this whole story however is that through my research I’m yet to find out whether these Olympics have continued past this fateful day in 2009, with their website last updated in 2014 and the 2009 edition being their last public newsletter. These beach Olympics weren’t just a silly joke that this group put on, it was a real day of camaraderie and passion for the games; this group came together and rallied around their passion and it should be celebrated.

As a fan myself of the nudist beach this would be so much fun to see; maybe not to compete straight away, but the pure joy that you see on the participants’ faces during the event would make it hard to say no.

So I say bring back the Swanny Olympics, make it bigger and better than ever! I’ll surely be there purely for the watermeloneating contest (and maybe the best bum competition too).

Now, kiss.

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@#%\!

Who your favourite punctuation will be voting for in the upcoming Federal election…

Luke Barber!?@#%$^&*()!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a Federal election just around the corner, it is looking to be a close one where every vote will count. Here at Pelican we take election coverage very seriously, and that’s why we have put together this comprehensive list of who every punctuation mark will be voting for! Enjoy!

! - The United Australia Party The energy of our friend ! is exactly the same as the energy of Craig Kelly barging into your text DMs with an unsolicited warning against any party bigger than his. It is loud, it is forthright and it has all of the presence of 18

Clive Palmer without any substance, policy, or political talent to back it up, and that’s why the UAP has its vote.

. - Labor This little dot is barely noticeable: very good at making himself seem as small as possible to avoid scrutiny or criticism. This is the exact tactic that the Labor party seems to be employing this time round, astutely realising that all they have to do is make as little fuss as possible and they can basically let ScoMo blunder his way into a loss. Squeezing themselves into an invisible

Pelican does not condone on-campus nudity. On-campus nakedness, however...

. has proven effective so far. In particular, a clever touch has been timing major scandals like parachuting “great Australian migrant success story” Kristina Kenneally out of her Northern beaches home and into a diverse Western Sydney electorate, to coincide with weeks when the Liberal party is dealing with even larger scandals, like cheeky little secret million-dollar donations that should have been kept on the DL.

< - Katter’s Australian Party Many of us would have learnt in primary school that this symbol, <, is a crocodile mouth, open wide to eat the larger number.

Well, < is rooting for our old mate Bob Katter this year, as he is the only politician of the whole lot who is giving crocodiles the airtime they deserve! Let there be a thousand blossoms bloom as far as < is concerned, but every three months a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in Far-North Queensland.

… - The Nationals Barnaby Joyce loves …, and … loves him right back. Barnaby Joyce loves … so much that he can barely go a sentence without using …. Below is a definitely real excerpt of Hansard taken from a speech in Parliament Barnaby Joyce recently gave.

“Coal…Farmers…You can’t say you’re gonna marry a person and then say you’re gonna marry someone else…Disgusting Carp…

Drought…Carp…Call me old fashioned if you like…It doesn’t matter if Johnny Depp has been awarded sexiest man alive twice…

CARP.”

the complete absence of punctuation - The Greens It is part of the official Greens party manifesto that they would advocate for the destruction of civilisation as we know it and the abolishment of all existing traditions and institutions.

As such, The Greens strongly believe in the abolition of all punctuation as it is a carbonemitting and archaic construct that needs to be discarded. Sally Rooney took the first step, but we need to go further. The Greens will not rest until all punctuation is discarded.

? - The Liberal Democrats This little guy is ‘just asking questions’ and absolutely loves to play devil’s advocate, so of course he will be voting for The Liberal Democrats - the official party of people who take pride in arguing against other people’s opinions just for fun. Having realised that if you have enough false self-confidence you can find a reason to question everything and anything, ? will be voting for the party that does this until they’ve convinced themselves government is pointless.

/ - The Liberal Party What’s boring, very straight, and leans to the right? You guessed it. The little guy who held all of our Pelican themes together all year has been officially outed as a Liberal voter.

Perhaps we knew all along. Perhaps it was intentional. Is the centering of / above all other punctuation in 2021 an implicit endorsement of Scott Morrison’s leadership

by Pelican? No comment.

Google LMAOROTFBTCSTCNDBFOOTWIFOAGWLLBGWTHROOTSAIAKBAYB

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WE SATISFY YOUR TRAVEL URGES BY EXPLORING POLITICAL ISSUES FROM AROUND THE GLOBE!

Phoebe Levin is not not a secessionist.

WA/ustralia It has been a great year of politicontiki; we have travelled from Nepal to Paraguay, from South Korea to New Hampshire. But for this, our final voyage, we are coming home: to the great state of Western Australia.

The secessionist movement in WA has been a feature of the state’s political landscape, well, forever. Waxing and waning in favour, secessionism rotates between being a sensationalised heading in a periodical on a slow news day, to rising to prominence as a national issue, and then fading back into the depths of media obscurity. Nevertheless, it never seems to stray far from WA’s collective public consciousness, leaving me to wonder, why is this obsession with state sovereignty so pertinent on the west coast?

Developing from the sentiment that the Federal government is so far away from WA that they’ve undoubtedly forgotten about us, the secessionist movement postulates that the west should break off from the rest of the country and realise its potential as a selfgoverning dominion.

Likely being a West Australian resident yourself, you’re probably familiar with the rhetoric that our state is an underappreciated, unsupported Cinderella state — contributing 20

In 2022, Pelican will be replaced by a daily town crier atop Winthrop Hall

more money than it gets back from the GST, for example. And look, while this is true, it is quite a leap from this to (correctly) assuming our superiority and legally severing ties with the rest of the continent.

So let me give you a brief history of our ongoing (failing) secessionist movement.

Reluctance to be a part of the Commonwealth is in the fabric of what it means to be a West Australian. Prior to Federation, the colony which is now WA expressed deep reluctance to join the rest of the colonies. At the close of the Nineteenth Century there was a movement for the separation of the Goldfields from the rest of the Commonwealth, to be named Auralia, which the Colonial Secretary paid no credence to, altogether neglecting acknowledgement of it.

In 1933 the movement was inflated to political prominence, coming to a head in a referendum.

While 68% of Western Australians voted in favour of breaking away from the rest of the country, the Nationals — the primary group lobbying to secede (really is anyone surprised?)

— were voted out of office. The movement subsequently ran out of steam, with the Secession League disbanding in 1938.

However, secessionist rhetoric again infiltrated the political lexicon in 1974, espoused

by Lang Hancock. An iron ore bigwig, Hancock founded the Westralian Secessionist Movement to critique trade barriers which he argued harmed the state’s export potential.

Like four decades earlier, the movement was soon forgotten about, undoubtedly upstaged by more pressing issues.

The resources boom experienced by the state in the early Twenty-First Century brought secessionism back into West Australians’ awareness. Residents were disgusted when it came out that the state was receiving a disproportionately smaller return of the GST which it was contributing to the federal government; giving 10% but only receiving 6% in return.

The latest upsurge in secessionist sentiment you may in fact remember, as it led to the establishment of the Western Australian Secession Movement, a precursor to ‘Waxit’, in late 2017. Even more recently, in June 2020, four “New Westralia” activists were arrested breaking into a courthouse in York to proclaim a new nation.

And just last year, the West Australian ran a poll which found a quarter of our state is in favour of leaving the Australian federation; this is speculated to be the result of the cult of Mark, nurtured by his stance on COVID and adorable hula hoop dancing. While ridiculed by other state leaders, his hard border enshrined him as WA royalty.

Now, personally, I find the continued efforts of a few to split from the place we are quite literally linguistically defined by (Western Australia), rather funny. However, these efforts do speak to a pervasive divide felt by Western Australians throughout the state’s history which will continue to ebb and flow until we either finally gain respect from the east, or follow through on our threat.

Honestly, each option is just as unlikely as the other.

Allergic reactions may cause pain, swelling, or a localised /

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No Life on a Naked Earth Jack Logan is looking forward to finishing his thesis and doing more mundane things like solving climate change

Without Earth’s atmosphere and magnetic field wrapped around the planet like a protective cloak, we’d be toast! Earth would not be able to host life without the exact conditions that those two things provide, and without them being as they are, our little planet would be relegated to the likes of Venus and Mercury – hostile, barren, and aggressively uninhabitable.

How important can such an invisible field really be? While the importance of our atmosphere is first drilled into us as primary school kids, the precise mechanisms and evolution of this essential feature of our planet eludes widespread understanding. So how did we wind up with the atmosphere we have, and what should we expect when (yes, when, not if ) it vanishes completely?

The Earth’s atmosphere protects life inside of it by creating pressure, allowing for liquid water to exist on the planet’s surface, absorbing 22

deadly ultraviolet solar radiation, and reducing temperature extremes between day and night.

While it currently is a mixture of 78% Nitrogen, 21% Oxygen, and a remaining 1% consisting of Carbon Dioxide, water vapour, and other gases, the atmosphere is a feature of our planet that has undergone considerable evolution over time, influenced by factors such as volcanic eruptions, weathering, and the onset and development of biological life. Recently, key factors influencing the atmosphere have been of human origin – global warming, ozone depletion, and acid deposition.

One of the atmosphere’s key roles with respect to life on Earth is warming the surface through heat retention, a phenomenon known as the greenhouse effect, which keeps the planet hotter than it would otherwise be and allows us to host oceans full of liquid water. Much like a greenhouse that retains heat from the sun within its glass walls, so too is solar heat

The best article in this edition is found on Page /

absorbed by the Carbon Dioxide and water vapour in the atmosphere, preventing it from escaping back into space. It’s a hell of a lot of work to be done by substances that only make up 1% of the atmosphere, and atmospheric Carbon Dioxide is a substance that has only declined in concentration over the years.

During the planet’s formative years, as Carbon Dioxide fell to the surface and formed layers of sedimentary Carbonate, it gave us the building blocks for the first living cells and all subsequent life on Earth.

Therefore, as the greenhouse effect eased over time, life flourished at temperatures ideal to its survival, which can also be attributed to atmospheric smoothing of temperature differences. Looking at how little our ambient temperatures vary on Earth, compared to other cosmic bodies, gives us an insight into how a life (or rather, no life) without an atmosphere would be. Our own moon, lacking an atmosphere,

is barely further from the Sun than we are, and yet its temperature soars to over 100oC during the day, and drops to -18oC at night.

Here, with a blanket of air spreading heat and smoothing temperature differences, the average temperature is 15oC. Critical to terrestrial survival, too, is Earth’s magnetic field, extending from within the core our planet to outer space. The field, like the atmosphere, serves as a protective shield around the planet, but is chiefly concerned with repelling and trapping charged particles emanating from the Sun, known as the solar wind. Without it, our precious upper atmosphere would be stripped away, leaving us exposed to ultraviolet radiation that would waste no time in burning our eyes and skin.

A whole host of other apocalyptic horrors await upon further deterioration of our atmosphere, with a naked Earth heralding the end of

I love trees. Like, REALLY love trees.

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terrestrial life with total silence, birds falling to the ground, a jet-black sky (lack of atmosphere explains why photos taken from the Moon look like that), and boiling oceans. Vapour pressure of bodies of water the world over would exceed the near-zero atmospheric pressure, leading to mass evaporation until an equilibrium point is reached, at which remaining water would freeze, much like the scarce water sources on Mars.

Sudden drop in atmospheric pressure would have a more immediately concerning effect, however: inability to breathe. Holding your breath and waiting for your lungs to pop would be the quickest way to go (warning: painful, not recommended), but following exhalation, you would pass out in about fifteen seconds and die in around in three minutes. Not even using an oxygen mask could save you, because your diaphragm uses the pressure difference between the inside of your body and the atmosphere to inhale.

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Readers can take comfort that such a scenario is unlikely to come to pass since, excepting freak events such as a massive meteor strike or solar storm, our atmosphere will not be vanishing so abruptly, but rather dissipating gradually over the next billion years or so – by which time we’d already either be populating the galaxy or long dead from the effects of climate change.

These terrifying possibilities, however, are important to consider as we search for life elsewhere in the galaxy and explain how our home elsewhere in the universe could never be on a planet such as Venus or Mars. Potential human-friendly exoplanets (i.e. planets outside our solar system) are monitored by the Planetary Habitability Laboratory at the University of Puerto Rico. Much like looking around town for a new flat, there are features of these possible Earth II candidates that we can be flexible on (for example, we’d be able to live

Pelican has more nudity than PROSH. Who’s funny now HAHAHAHA

on a planet half as big and a tenth of the mass of our current home) and others we have to be very strict on. There must be available water and gravity must be strong enough to hold on to an atmosphere and promote life, of course, but factors such as length of orbit are also critical.

A human-friendly planet must rotate quickly enough to produce a magnetic field and have a day-night cycle that is not so long as to cause pronounced temperature differences between day and night.

While teams such as the Planetary Habitability Laboratory stress the ideal distance from a star for a planet to support factors such as liquid water – dubbed the ‘habitable zone’ – as the number one key to finding a new home amongst the stars, others stress a different approach. In 2014, researchers René Heller and John Armstrong argued that it is not precisely clear why Earth should offer the most suitable

conditions to living organisms, and so planets could be dissimilar to Earth, yet offer more suitable conditions for the emergence of life than Earth did or does. These ‘superhabitable worlds’ could be larger, warmer, and older than Earth, for example. Perhaps, then, combing the galaxy for a mirror image of our planet is the wrong approach.

It is a search that in any case continues, and adjacent dead worlds of Mars and Venus are stern reminders of the importance of the atmosphere to humanity’s past, present, and future. In caring for our own planet and searching for its human-friendly cousins, we must remember that any world is better than a naked one.

89% of students against the cuts. 96% against inexplicably shirtless men.

25

Cloud Wars Julian Coleman...should’ve learnt how to code.

As the internet started rapidly growing in the early 1990s, one of the key visions sold to users (households and businesses alike) was of a world where anything digital would be accessible from anywhere. It wouldn’t matter if you were away on a holiday, or if one of your employees was working from home, every tool and file needed would be instantly available over the internet. This would all be delivered through a concept called ‘cloud computing’.

For the uninitiated, cloud computing is the delivery of different ‘pay-as-you-go’ services through the Internet, including data storage, servers, databases, networking, and software.

Cloud-based storage makes it possible to save huge amounts of data to a remote database and retrieve them on demand.

However, reality would take a while to catch up with that vision. Internet speeds were initially quite slow, and not conducive to adequate user experiences. Hosting all that data also required enormous numbers of physical servers and resources that wouldn’t always be economical even for large corporations.

This has changed significantly over the past ten years, and improvements in speeds and capacity have driven a boom in cloud computing. The barrier to entry has drastically lowered for organisations and individuals to access these services, and this is driving innovation across almost every sector. Where in the past companies would need to invest large amounts of capital upfront for onpremise servers, cloud allows the users to pay 26

on demand for compute and scale up and down the amount of compute they need.

Some of the world’s most powerful companies are currently locked in a protracted war over domination of the cloud computing market.

It’s expensive to wage war but when the global cloud computing market size is expected to reach US$1.25 trillion by 2028 the reward is worth the fight. Amazon Web Services (AWS) has dominated cloud computing for the past decade. But Google and Microsoft, giants themselves in the cloud market, are catching up.

To understand the origins of the war over cloud computing, we have to look back to an Amazon leadership retreat at Jeff Bezos’ house in 2003. Amazon’s executive team was asked to identify the core strengths of the company. As the conversation flowed, one thing became abundantly clear: its infrastructure services gave them a huge advantage over the competition. It was at that point, without even fully articulating it, that they started to formulate the idea of what AWS could be, and they began to wonder if they could have additional business providing infrastructure services to software developers.

The combination of infrastructure services and developer tools would quickly become a pseudo–operating system for the internet.

On March 14, 2006, Amazon S3 cloud storage launched, followed by EC2 in August 2006.

Microsoft’s answer to AWS, Azure, would not be commercially available until 2010. In the

New Major Announced: Russian Indie Psychedelic Sex-Funk Folk Studies

same year, Google Cloud was launched. In a coup for AWS, the CIA would award them a $600 million contract in 2013. The contract value was huge. But potentially more valuable was the signal to the market that if the CIA could trust AWS with their data, anyone could. When a contract for the Pentagon was up for tender in 2018 AWS was a shoo-in.

Competitors complained the tender seemed to be designed specifically for AWS. But the market was shocked when the contract went to Azure. It is speculated that Donald Trump’s personal hatred of Jeff Bezos may have led to the White House influencing the decision.

Whether true or not, this was a huge win for team Microsoft.

themselves. Ultimately the beneficiaries are the users. They build integrations, we can assume cynically, to facilitate the acquisition of competitors’ users. The effect is that we are able to access the best-in-class tools and services across the clouds. While it’s unclear which vendor will win the Cloud Wars, we as consumers have already won.

On latest quarter earnings Microsoft has managed to eke out AWS from the top spot with US$19.5 billion in revenue to AWS’s US$14.8 billion. A distant third is Google Cloud with US$4.6 billion. Numbers aside, each of the clouds have their own strengths.

AWS is preferred by enterprises for migrating from legacy data centres. Due to its Microsoft heritage, Office 365 suite, broader range of services, and an ambitious road map, Azure is well positioned. Google Cloud has differentiated itself through analytics and machine learning. Leveraging off their maps and search products, Google datasets are incredibly powerful for AI use cases and BigQuery is largely regarded as the best data warehouse in the industry.

The thing about wars is they tend to accelerate technological development. Innovations like radar and even the internet were military projects. Conflict with the Soviet Union drove the space race. The Cloud Wars are no different.

By effectively commoditising computation, the major cloud players need to create new products and services to differentiate Amit /ma?

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Pro Evolution Soccer Tim Wong thinks 2009 was the best year ever, and won’t be told otherwise.

Throughout my teenage years, I was always a big fan of sports video games of every type.

From the NBA 2K franchise to Madden, to a thrilling tennis contest on a Wii console, the thrill of racking up points and winning (virtual) trophies was hard to resist. However, there was a period where my spare time was dominated by two rival football/soccer game franchises: FIFA and Pro Evolution Soccer (PES).

While FIFA was a favourite child of the juggernaut that is the sports division of Electronic Arts (EA), PES was developed by Japanese studio Konami, and has its origins in the “Winning Eleven” game of the 1990s.

While the two franchises competed over largely the same audience, the relationship between them could not be more unequal.

A key competition between EA and Konami was the ability to gain exclusive image rights to represent as many real-life leagues, teams, and players as possible. This contest was key in 28

determining who won the largest market share globally, and EA spent billions of dollars to ensure its chances. FIFA struck contracts with the majority of the major leagues in the world, leaving it with the name and likeness rights for almost any team you would ever want to play.

PES always lagged behind, and it would only get worse each year, as FIFA did its annual ritual of announcing a new exclusive deal with a team or league that previously had an agreement with Konami.

However, as FIFA became dominated by microtransactions and stagnant gameplay changes, I found myself also buying a copy of PES each year. Despite having to put up with team names like “Merseyside Red” instead of “Liverpool FC” and unrealistic leagues, the game still had a certain charm to it, with the quirky controls, realistic physics, and the overthe-top commentary. It may have not had every bell and whistle that FIFA contained, but it was definitely worth playing in its own way.

Calling soccer soccer may start World War 3.

/e-Football 2022: A New Era Sadly, there were never really enough people like me to keep PES competing with FIFA, at least using the same business model. Konami recently announced that from 2022 onwards, the PES franchise will be rebranded into “eFootball” , a free-to-play digital-only game.

Konami will no longer sell a boxed retail copy of the game. Furthermore, initially the game will act as little more than a demo release with nine teams, though the developers have committed to build on it in the coming months.

This implies a likely cut in the resources that Konami will dedicate to the game going forward. It’s essentially a raising of the white flag from Konami after years of trying to compete on FIFA’s terms. It’s a sad end to an era.

Nonetheless, whether due to nostalgia or my recent disenchantment with FIFA, I am still willing to keep an open mind about eFootball.

Though PES always had an edge on FIFA in

terms of visual appeal, the transition to the Unreal Engine 4 from Fox Engine is a welcome one, and will likely bring much-needed modernisation to the graphics, introducing more realistic rendering to the grass and player textures. The Fox Engine has not been updated in years, and was definitely looking dated.

Another aspect that I am looking forward to seeing is the rumoured complete overhaul of the game’s menu system. Nothing bothered me more than having to get through thirteen menus to slightly change the weather or update a stadium. Decluttering and streamlining the customisation options will be a welcome addition for many players.

Konami has announced the latest game will be completely cross-platform, which means you will be able to play against friends regardless of what device they’re using, including mobile.

This is admittedly a great upgrade, and one which other sports franchises should follow.

If you don’t pay your HECS back, you will be turned into a peacock. A loss?

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MET/GALA Ruby Marguerite Luxurious, extravagant outfits and theatrical pieces of wearable art were paraded up and down the red carpet at the Annual Met Gala on the 13th of September to the theme “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion.”

At the exclusive fundraising ball for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute, where table prices ranged from $200,000 to $300,000, the rich and famous gathered to drink champagne, revel in the fashion spectacle before them, and talk about charity.

It all seems a bit out of touch. We’re still in the middle of this deadly pandemic, with the Delta variant causing daily rates of infections and deaths to soar in the US and worldwide.

Forbes magazine reports that US billionaires have become about $1.2 trillion richer during the pandemic, while the working class suffers with next to no financial aid. The Black Lives Matter protesters right outside the Met Gala were calling for the abolition of New York’s fundamentally racist policing system, only to be met with violent arrests. Not to mention all the other worldwide material manifestations of the failures of our current political and economic system. It’s eerily reminiscent of a Hunger Games Capitol-esque radically unjust class society.

A notable Met Gala moment that has seen substantial contention was the outfit worn by the New York progressive congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). As an interpretation of the dress code “American Independence”, she wore a white dress by 30

Canadian designer Aurora James emblazoned in red with the phrase “Tax the Rich”, sparking avalanches of both criticism and support. On the one hand, you’ve got the people touting ‘girlboss energy’ and praising it as a subversive act of rebellion. On the other hand, people see it as tone-deaf, misplaced, and ironic.

Indeed, a lot of the backlash Ocasio-Cortez received was misguided. Those labelling the dress as ‘virtue signalling,’ ‘hypocritical,’ or ‘performative activism,’ pointing out the exorbitant $35,000 ticket prices, have missed the mark. AOC (who attended for free) isn’t “The Rich” and (most of the time) neither are a bunch of successful actors and artists. It’s those who systematically exploit the labour of the working class to line their own billionaire pockets towards which this sentiment is aimed – the likes of the ruling class wealthy elites, CEOs, and corporations. ‘The rich’ over here in Australia are the mining magnates who profit not only from the exploitation of labour but also the exploitation of stolen Indigenous land.

For many, the political stunt symbolised the epitome of neoliberal capitalist ideology.

All of this makes AOC an easy target for criticism from the left. Unfortunately, it’s easy to be overly critical of women in politics, especially women of colour, where others may get off the hook more easily. Yet it’s not an individual problem with AOC or her actions, it’s a systemic one that would require revolutionary action to solve and relates to broader discussions about the possibility of reforming capitalism. AOC is often deemed

revolutionary – and yes, she’s definitely a breath of fresh air in comparison to many US politicians. Yet, she is still part of the systemic apparatus that upholds neoliberal capitalism worldwide and oversees the devastation of the global south under U.S. imperialism. Liberal politics love to exploit progressive discourse from the likes of AOC to distract from the more sinister motives of colonialism and imperialism, creating a façade of progressivism.

Additionally, anti-capitalist ideals are highly marketable. The system absorbs them, spins them round, and churns them out into palatable, easily digestible notions that pose no material threat, and instead of undermining capitalism, they function to reinforce the status quo. Mark Fisher’s Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative encapsulates this notion, drawing attention to the impossibility of imagining any real alternative to capitalism – the only thing we can do is make a few little changes here and there that would slightly improve life for the working class. In this system, anticapitalism is seen as an aesthetic style, rather than a legitimate alternative. Anticapitalist ideals are no longer about actual anti-capitalism, but merely ways in which to reform the existing system. Fisher highlights the system’s ability to exploit and commodify radical ideas, pointing towards Kurt Cobain, who “knew that he was just another piece of spectacle; that nothing runs better on MTV than a protest against MTV.”

So yes, it’s an improvement that AOC has got more people talking about taxing the rich. However, it takes steam away from the movement that seeks to revolutionise the system and prevent the top one percent from accumulating so much wealth in the first place.

Increasing taxes for the rich seeks merely to reform the failing neoliberalism, rather than revolutionise the capitalist institutions that lead to class and income inequality. This neoliberal sentiment of capitalist reform directs radical energy away from questioning the nature and consequences of the system itself, instead diverting it towards settlercolonial electoral politics as a legitimate way to diminish the most severe material effects of capitalism: exploitation, mass income inequality, poverty and alienation. People stop challenging the institutions, and place faith in those same institutions to reform themselves.

The Met Gala in itself is a cultural institution that mirrors our overwhelmingly unequal and unjust class society, and thus the question arises: are higher taxes and philanthropy really a viable solution to all of the systemic problems arising in our current era of late neoliberal capitalism, catastrophic climate change, and outrageous levels of income inequality?

P.S. – WHY was Timothée Chalamet wearing sweatpants?!

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NUDES!

Hello, and welcome to The Naked Pages! In a tradition going back to 1972, Pelican Editors have slashed their clothing and bared all for the front cover of the final edition. But our Sub-Editors, Artists, and Contributors deserve their share of the limelight, so here they are, in all their glory…

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Raspberry Beret’ - Prince Favourite punctuation mark: * Favourite tree and why: Oak Tree – I grew up in England!

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Would he be in my best dressed article for the UWA Tavern What book would you slash?

The Collector - John Fowler What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

I should’ve always put Riley and Millie as best dressed of UWA!

Emma ‘Emzy’ Forsyth

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Leaving UWA. Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Crazy in Love’ Favourite punctuation mark: !

Favourite tree and why: idk I’m not a botanist lol probably gum tree?

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? will you marry me?

What book would you slash? the bible ;) hahaha no I can’t say that um idk Jordan Peterson’s 9 rules or whatever the duck it’s called What has Pelican taught you in 2021? political scandals are often a lot whackier than you think

Phoebe ‘I don’t have one’ Levin 32

Where do you see yourself in 2022? graduated hopefully

Go to the Pelican website for the REAL nudes ;)

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Drip Drop’ ~ Jack Harlow Favourite punctuation mark: ~ Favourite tree and why: Moreton bay figs What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Does he like green eggs and ham?

What book would you slash?

I’ve got diaries from year 3 - now which I’d slash to save their secrets.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That breaking words into two with a “/” makes it very hard to draw a co/mic.

Holly ‘Little Lamia’ Carter-Turner

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

42 Wallaby Way Sydney returning a lost young fish to his widowed father.

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Showerdrops on my Guitar’ by Taylor Sweat Favourite punctuation mark: C’mon. PleAsE. Semi-colon! Hands down. I’ll make any excuse just to use it; Exhibit ‘A’ being right here!

Favourite tree and why: The boab! Or jacaranda. Boab for being friendshaped, it’s a good round bud to hug, or jacaranda for its pretty purples!

What book would you slash?

I’d say Farenheit 451, to be that stereotypical English student, but I’d rather slash none, thanks?

Jas ‘Tanya Dalziell’s #1 Fan’ Saunders

still, and crying from stress over the fact I’ll never write a love story as fantastic as The Haunting of Bly Manor.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

Be brave in sharing your stuff - if you really wanna make it as a writer, rip off that plaster even if the vulnerability makes you bleed. (But also how to trick people into thinking I’m funnier than I actually am...)

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Doing Honours in Creative Writing at UWA

Now the uni’s cutting Chemistry, all that empty space in Bayliss will never be filled.

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Favourite song to dance nude to: Naturally, of course it’s ‘Show Me How You Burlesque’ by Christina Aguilera from the smash hit movie, you guessed it, Burlesque.

Favourite punctuation mark: Well, I feel very strongly about using commas properly.

Favourite tree and why: I don’t know what it’s called, but the one that looks like it’s being all shy with its branches hanging down.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

How did you learn to hula hoop so well?

What book would you slash?

The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Why was that caterpillar so damn hungry?

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

There’s not a lot of compound words.

Courtney ‘C-Dub’ Withers

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

That’s a great question. I should probably get onto sorting that out.

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Dancing with myself ’ Favourite punctuation mark: Full stop Favourite tree and why: Birch, because it looks like it has eyes in it.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Dude what is your damage?

What book would you slash?

The ATAR Drama Set Text List.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

How to draw.

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Missing.

Paige ‘Pog’ Bentley 34

“Strike me up a gum tree!” as my Grandma would say.

Favourite song to dance nude to: All of them Favourite punctuation mark: Not to be basic but, the semi-colon.

Favourite tree and why: Eucalyptus trees but especially when they are planted overseas because then it reminds me of home.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? :( What book would you slash? :( What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

Patience.

Where do you see yourself in 2022? ...

Luke ‘Luke :( ’ Barber

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Slumber Party’ (feat. Princess Nokia) Favourite punctuation mark: ‘&’ - total flex that I could write one in year 6 Favourite tree and why: Eucalyptus: gives off the best scent in summer around 4pm What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

It was a fluke, wasn’t it?

What book would you slash?

Boy Swallows Universe by Trent Dalton: sorry it was not worth the hype and I love to hate on the aggressive metaphors What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

Chess

Aideen ‘Deen’ Gallagher

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Spiralling

This edition’s Pelly Facts are brought to you by the cold east wind.

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Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘The Cult of Dionysus’ – The Orion Experience (non-definitive answer) Favourite punctuation mark: I am an avid Oxford Comma enjoyer.

Favourite tree and why: Weeping trees, especially big ol’ ones where you can hang out inside the canopy. They are so wonderful and cozy What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? I’d ask him what he really thought of this year’s PROSH paper.

What book would you slash?

There are far more delightful things to slash than books :) What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That good things do come in small (A5) packages

Paris ‘Local Cryptid’ Javid

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

I see myself continuing to fuck around at uni, but (I cannot stress this enough) under no circumstances do I intend to find out.

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘September’ by Earth, Wind & Fire Favourite punctuation mark: ! – especially if it follows an expletive.

Favourite tree and why: Definitely the one on campus that seems to lose a branch every time a storm rolls in. Poor thing.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? “How come you got to go to the Grand Final and I didn’t?

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That there are many sides to science, and many more perspectives to differently consider those sides.

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Doing all the damn COVID-free international travel I want!

Jack ‘The Jacked’ Logan 36

Legend has it that if you slash a book in the library, PAM slashes you right back...

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Teach Me How To Dougie’ by Cali Swag District Favourite punctuation mark: “!” Because it lessens the harshness of a sentence!

Favourite tree and why: Big ol gumtree, because I aspire to be a massive unit.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? Did you like the PROSH 2021 front cover, lord?

What book would you slash?

Can’t say I read a lot hey, so I don’t think I have the privilege to slash a book.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That all creations are welcomed and praised!

Savannah ‘Swaglord’ Regan

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

I see myself making something real wicked and doing a filthy drum and bass gig.

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘September’ from Earth, Wind and Fire all the way Favourite punctuation mark: !!!

Favourite tree and why: Oak tree because why not?

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Can I become a citizen now?

What book would you slash?

Any book written by YouTubers What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

The importance of words Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Hopefully travelling and finishing my degree

Camila ‘Some People Call Me Cami’ Egusquiza

HELP! Even LOOKING at my nude gives me splinters

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Favourite song to dance nude to: The 1975- ‘Chocolate’ Favourite punctuation mark: !!!!

Favourite tree and why: Does aloe vera count?? It’s one of the only plants that won’t die on me.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Can I get back to Perth please?

What book would you slash?

It’s a sin to slash books.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

How to draw anything out of anything.

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Becoming a horrible plant mum.

Hnin ‘Ei’ Kyaw Win

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Dance off ’ Favourite punctuation mark: | Favourite tree and why: A snotty gobble clearly What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Don’t hold this man to the regard we hold him, he’s a politician, stop What book would you slash?

Rude What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That I suck ass Where do you see yourself in 2022?

In a mirror

Nicholas ‘Mr Snotty Gobble’ Warrand 38

People NAMED Name/less as the best edition yet. How is that possible?

Natasha ‘’ Brandon

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘You Got It’ by Vedo because we love a motivational dance.

Favourite punctuation mark: ; because it took me a hot minute to learn how to use it properly.

Favourite tree and why: Jacaranda tree because pastel vibes.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Marry me?

What book would you slash?

Every stats textbook ever. Does that get me off the hook?

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

How to have multiple outlook accounts open at once.

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Will join Elena on the nap bandwagon.

Elena ‘NOT Eleanor’ Perse

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Electric Feel’ by MGMT will always be the best song to dance to, regardless of how clothed or otherwise you are. Thank you for coming to my TED talk Favourite punctuation mark: Interrobang (!?). love the spice and the innovation.

Favourite tree and why: How could I say anything other than the most hilariously proportioned tree out there: the boab What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? Of all the causes to get behind, why mullet-banning? do better What book would you slash?

For the irony, it’s got to be Fahrenheit 451 What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

The incredible power of the impending deadline Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Hopefully taking a well-deserved nap

UWA Cost-Cutting Measure #423: Winthrop Tower shortened by a metre.

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Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Kokomo’ - The Beach Boys Favourite punctuation mark: The fullstop (.) because I froth over being able to breathe when I read Favourite tree and why: Not sure what they are but there’s a bunch of trees at Bishop Road Reserve in Dalkeith that look like The Simpsons so those What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

I’d ask what addy I should post his daddy day card to What book would you slash?

The Hobbit - J.R.R Tolkien, I fkn hate that shit it’s so boring. That and The Barefoot Investor What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That Grammarly is a good mate and really it should’ve been credited as the Music Editor

Jacques ‘Danger’ Meakins

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Buying a panel van and retiring up at Quobba Station for my quarter-life crisis.

Favourite punctuation mark: Dash – also great in bullet lists Favourite tree and why: The jacaranda tree in front of my home. It has beautifully shaped branches and was a prominent part of my childhood What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

“May I have a photo with you?”

What book would you slash?

None What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

The importance of having interests / hobbies outside of studies

Pauline ‘Popo’ Wong Favourite song to dance nude to: I don’t, but if I had to think of one...’Miss Freelove ‘69’ by Hoodoo Gurus 40

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Final year of Dentistry, seeing many patients, learning heaps, all whilst looking forward to graduation. Hopefully also illustrating for ‘Pelican’ again!

In the last Ice Age, Reid Moat was much easier to jump.

Charlie ‘Millie’ Mills Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Boogie Wonderland’ Favourite punctuation mark: Ampersand Favourite tree and why: Moreton Bay Fig cause it’s got the thickness.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? Do you remember that time I served you water?

What book would you slash?

The Caucasian Chalk Circle by Bertolt Brecht What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

There is no shortage of gags to be made out of Simpsons screen grabs Where do you see yourself in 2022?

In bed, hopefully

Faisal ‘Riley’ Hamza Favourite song to dance nude to: I haven’t danced naked before, that sounds uncomfortable Favourite punctuation mark: !

Favourite tree and why: Not sure there are so many!

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

What his favourite tree was and why, so I could steal it.

What book would you slash?

My lost Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Do-It-Yourself book from Year 4. If found, it could ruin me.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

Microsoft OneDrive is a godsend.

Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Using Microsoft OneDrive.

Bada Bing BadaBlackBettyBamBaLam

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Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Photo ID’ by Remi Wolf Favourite punctuation mark: The backslash, just to be slightly controversial.

Favourite tree and why: Karri. You’ve seen a karri forest, right?

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

To please save our climate.

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That sleep deprivation can count as recreation Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Still right here I think.

Ashley ‘Are These Shapes Okay’ Browse Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘She’s a Riot’ by The Jungle Giants (but, for some reason, they kick me out of Mojo’s whenever I do) Favourite punctuation mark: ; – it makes anything sound intellectual; it also allows me to get away with inordinately long sentences Favourite tree and why: The one outside my grandparents’ house – if you know you know and if you don’t, I feel sorry for you What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him? To be quiet, please What book would you burn?

The owner’s manual for my car – I’m waaayy too pretty to know how to change a tyre

Clea ‘Womanizer’ Sanders

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What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

That my friends use it as an excuse when they want to hang out without me Where do you see yourself in 2022?

I don’t. I refuse to not be perceived by anyone, my past self included.

Overheard: “I didn’t study, because exams don’t prepare you for the real world.”

Favourite song to dance nude to: ‘Whip It!’ Favourite punctuation mark: ; we can go all night!

Favourite tree and why: Broccoli What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

Are you a new case of COVID-19? Because you can lock me down What book would you slash?

I’m more a carbon sequestration gal; let’s bury 50 Shades of Grey What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

Size does matter! Bigger is not always better ;) Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Overthinking; using Brobdingnagian words; and making money go brrrrrrr

Millie ‘?’ Muroi Favourite song to dance nude to: Tonight, I’m having ‘Red’ by Jaguar Sun and ‘Eggshell’ by Runnner Favourite punctuation mark: This year, I’ve grown incredibly fond of – Favourite tree and why: Despite the beautiful Moich in my pic, my fave trees are Marri. The way they may twist, or curve, or grow straight as an arrow…ooh baby.

What would you ask Mark McGowan if you met him?

You feelin’ lucky, punk?!

What book would you slash?

What kind of question is this? Who wrote these stupid questions?! Also, 12 Rules for Life xoxo

Riley ‘Rooster’ Faulds

What has Pelican taught you in 2021?

A4+1 and how to live off a nightly average of two hours of sleep Where do you see yourself in 2022?

Spending more time with real pelicans, and less with printed ones.

And then, Law Library clapped

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Parks on a Pedestal Point Resolution Reserve Ashley Browse can confirm, yes, the shapes are okay.

Many parks line the river bank heading towards Dalkeith, my favourite of these being found 3.5 km from the Business School. Point Resolution Reserve is a place of many contrasts, each as stunning as the last, from the rolling grass hills under big shady trees, down to a vegetated dune above a small cliff, which lands on the rocky/sandy bank that meets the Swan. It’s such a peaceful place that if you do venture over you may find it hard to leave.

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Pelly Facts kill more people annually than sharks do.

Pelican Pop-Up! Distract Yourself from Study with this DIY Pelican Pop-Out Card!

Art, Design, and Words by Hnin Ei Kyaw Win Are your exams stressing you out? Or are you just looking to procrastinate from that assignment for just five five minutes longer?

Why not have a quick art therapy?

What you’ll need:

Pelican has you covered with a super easy pop-up card template you can just cut from the magazine!

• • •

1. Firstly, give your pelican a life by decorating it and the background. Or be boring and don’t. The pelican will be sad though.

2. After this, fold the paper in half. We added the dotted line in case you have trouble identifying where to fold.

• •

The Magazine!

Scissors or anything that works to cut the paper.

Extra paper to stick this template to.

Glue (the good stuff ).

Colouring-in pencils (optional).

Okay so it’s KUWTK but the people of ground-floor Reid are the family.

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3. Make a single cut with your preferred cutting tool along the small line in the centre.

4. Fold the dotted lines near the cut to form two creases.

5. Unfold the paper.

6. Open the card and push the pop-up areas up and change the direction of the fold to the opposite direction of the folded card, as in the picture.

7. When the card is closed, the back will look like this. Glue a piece of paper on the back (optional).

8. TaDa!! Congratulations – you made it! You now have your own talking pelican pop-up card.

Feel free to tag us on our socials @PelicanMagazine. We’d love to see your work, and best design wins a New Edition gift card to spend on BOOKS wow yay!

Okay so it’s The Hunger Games but the Schools are the competitors.

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48

Folding Line

Cutting Line

This Journal is the Property of a Random UWA Student Words by Milvert Ling, Art by Hnin Ei Kyaw Win

P.S. Definitely not the author’s!

I Will Not Buy Tim Tams, I will NOT Buy Tim Tams

see

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ge

pa

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20 September 2021 (Monday)

I am having mixed feelings about today.

Good: Thankfully, I was courteously greeted with three words – the norm in Australia.

Weird: Usually, it’s “how are ya?”. Today, it was “have you voted?”

Good: Like any other day taking the 950, I was given flyers, which is how I save some cash with discounts.

Weird: Today’s flyers were surprisingly colourful, and I had a full bag of them before I even reached the bus.

Good: Lectures and tutorials are starting to become like YouTube videos.

Weird: But I can’t skip the ads. Ugh. Good: Nice to see my friends and classmates after the weekend!

Weird: I don’t remember lecture halls and tutorial rooms being so colourfully decorated before.

Good: Nice to know that I still have friends supporting me throughout my Uni life.

Weird: Since when do I have so many friends?

21 September 2021 (Tuesday)

On my way from Student Central to the bus stop, many of my friends came up to me. I caught up with them for a couple of minutes before I was surrounded by, let’s say, ten people?

To cut the second round of the Guild Presidential Debate short (which lasted fifteen minutes. I don’t know why I did not cut them off earlier), I took most of their papers (wouldn’t know if I missed any of them) and walked inside the tent.

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How to Succeed at University: Curtin

Felt like a dealer at Crown while shuffling the papers as per their request.

While in line in the tent, I suddenly remembered that I had to rush home to run an errand for Mum. I left the ream of paper there on the table and made a move. I must have done something good there because people were smiling and thanking me on my way to the bus stop.

22 September 2021 (Wednesday)

Feels like déjà vu today. I was walking towards Reid but saw another friend and caught up.

Not long after, the same thing happened, just like yesterday. Pretty sure the same guy from yesterday was there again.

But I learned the trick this time. Quickly took their papers, shuffled them like a professional dealer and walked into the tent.

No line this time. The papers I received were like my storeroom – full of boxes.

Randomly numbered a few boxes, placed them in the ballot box and left for Reid.

23 September 2021 (Thursday)

I was in Reid the entire day to revise for an upcoming quiz. Late in the afternoon, there was music suddenly.

Not that I don’t enjoy music, but why only today? Would love to have it all semester!

Maybe a manifesto item for the next election?

24 September 2021 (Friday)

Silence was the word of the day. Pretty sure more people were in Reid than outside of Reid (which was not the norm for the week now).

Oh well, at least now I can relate to the candidates out there on the previous days – trying to get a seat.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want: 2 study breaks

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Explaining MONA to my Grandmother Clea Sanders knows there are no small parts, only small actors.

Like most grandparents, my Nan is enthralled by even the most banal details of my holidays.

For some strange reason, she gets a vicarious thrill from hearing about every delayed flight, severely oversold landmark, and woeful hotel breakfast. Unlike most grandparents, however, my Nan is an art gallery guide, and so expects a detailed, considered play-by-play of every gallery I visit. She was particularly excited to hear about my trip to Tasmania’s (in)famous Museum of Old and New Art (MONA), which is notorious for boundarypushing artworks such as a wall of ceramic vulvas.

The following is my attempt to process this arresting, unorthodox wonderland in a way that is both septuagenarian-friendly and unlikely to result in recurring nightmares about tattooed pig skins (don’t ask): • On the plus side, there are no plaques in this museum, so you won’t have to wear your reading glasses. Unfortunately, all the information about the artworks is on an app that I don’t think is available on the Nokia 3310. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

• The ‘old’ bit of the name just means ‘we managed to get our hands on a few stolen 52

African artefacts that the British Museum didn’t want’. The ‘new’ bit means ‘your fiveyear-old probably could have made this art, but you’d definitely send them to therapy if they did’.

• A strange amount of the museum is centred around the bloke who owns it – we’re talking hats, mugs, inside jokes on the audio guide that I’m sure everyone is just pretending to understand, the whole shebang. It’s kind of cult-ish, but in such a deliberate way that it cancels out any cool, harrowing vibes. Also, we saw him in the courtyard and he walks weirdly. He likes to bet on greyhound races and is apparently very good at maths, so Grandpa would probably get on well with him.

• It can be hard to tell what’s art and what isn’t. The ping pong table is fair game for any visitor with an ounce of hand-eye coordination (so, anyone but me), but the nearly identically decorated pinball machine next to it is not to be touched, lest its artistic sanctity be corrupted. The man screaming into a microphone in the basement: art. The man doing abdominal crunches while talking loudly into his AirPods: not art, but certainly one of the most profoundly affecting things I saw all day.

Who do you have to //// to get a high QS World University Ranking round here?

Part of the famous wall of vulvas at MONA • There’s an art piece whose only purpose is to shit. Like actual, human, shit. Having raised as many children and grandchildren as you have, you can probably skip this one – you’re not going to see anything new.

• If we brought Dad and Grandpa here, they would hate the fact that there’s a ‘Ladies Only’ section. You and I would take great pleasure in this, and in refusing to tell them what’s inside.

• There’s a lot of performance art here that makes me realise that you weren’t lying when you told me that I could be an artist when I grew up. I could definitely perform an off-key rendition of a Madonna song to a camera, count out 1000 individual grains of rice, or make a VHS tape of myself saying “I am making art” for eighteen minutes straight.

Thanks for always believing in me – I’ll be sure to remember you when I get my big, Marina Abramovich-level break.

• Just because I’m young, doesn’t mean I understand all the works here. Your guess as to how a photo of bestiality acts as a postmodernist critique of the hyperfragmentation of human identity and our disconnection from the natural world is as good as mine. Maybe because it’s in black and white?

If you’re thoroughly confused by this account of MONA, that’s because it simply has to be seen to be believed (and definitely not because my writing is erratic or insufficiently evocative). If you’re even slightly intrigued by the prospect of seeing a poo machine, a pool of forbidden oil whose equilibrium could be destroyed with a single touch, or whatever else David Walsh decides to spend his gambling winnings on, I cannot recommend a trip to MONA enough. You may be enthralled, repulsed, or bewildered (likely all within the space of your first minute at the museum) but whether you’re eighteen or eighty-one, I can guarantee you will never be bored.

Hearing drum’n’bass from the Tav at 9 a.m. is always a treat.

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The Eagle has Landed, Oh Wait It’s Flown Off Again: The Return of John F. Kennedy, President/ Astronaut/American Giles Chan brings fish and chips to eat in Aquariums The barrel feels warm against his hand. Lee Harvey Oswald lets go of his Carcano rifle.

His arms fall uselessly beside him. A wave of melancholy washes over the assassin and his face contorts in joyful agony. Oswald stands to salute as an eagle soars over the Book Depository – surrenders to the saline tears of patriotism streaming down his face. He knows, and it is only he alone who must ever know, that he has served his president and his nation well.

“God speed, Mr President…”

-My nineteenth can of beans in six days. I wipe away the remnants of bean sauce around my mouth. I hear a guard approaching further down the corridor. He stops… Sniffs…

“Is that… Do I smell Heinz Beans & Sausages?” the guard murmurs.

My cover’s been blown – I dart the other way and, like the roadrunner, my helicopterblade-legs kick up a pile of dust from the immaculate tile-floor. Nobody must ever 54

know I was here. John F. Kennedy, the thirty-fifth President of the United States of America was assassinated in Dealey Plaza. I am now known simply as F. -It’s too dangerous to go back for any more beans. I’ll have to survive with the Chiko Rolls I stashed in the lunar module. Careful not to arouse any more suspicion, I crawl into the alcove I dug out for myself inside the Apollo 11 landing craft and wait for my time to come. My time to leave this godforsaken planet behind and to be with the one I love.

Oh, heavenly Moon descended from the Gods, our forbidden tryst will soon leave the dark of the eclipse and finally see the sun!

-“One small step for man,” I hear a weary voice say over the radio, “and one giant leap for mankind.”

I watch the two men leave the module from a thin slit in the ceiling. Boots on the ground, in that celestial chalk that has been left forever

Elon Musk doesn’t need detergent.

untouched by man. I suck the drool back into my mouth before it escapes through the hatch. Slowly, gently, I sneak out and take a step onto the surface of Tranquility Base…

-Immediately, I am disappointed. My toes feel sticky, pushed up against each other inside my spacesuit like rush-hour commuters.

They form rigid platforms from which I bounce around in the moon’s low gravity. I feel lethargic, as if King Kong had eaten too many people and just wanted to find his way back to the jungle and lie down.

“Buzz, how much air you got left?” the weary voice says.

I turn my body – as I can’t move my neck.

Neil Armstrong is speaking to me!

“I’m good for air Neil. How about you?” I mumble, hoping to mask my voice.

“Haha, nice Kennedy impression,” he laughs.

-“Neil, you okay?” Aldrin asks.

I’ve been trying to stay quiet this entire journey back to Earth.

“You’ve stayed quiet this entire journey back to Earth,” he says.

“Yes, I suppose I have,” I manage, once again attempting to mask my voice.

“God, I miss my family,” he says, head pointed down. “One giant leap for mankind, yes – but my legs are exhausted.”

“Me too. I’m just looking forward to settling down and…living out the rest of my days.”

I look down at the name tag I pinned to my suit.

‘Armstrong.’

“IMPRESSION?” I hop over and run him into the ground. We stumble over in slow motion. I reach for his pack and disconnect his oxygen tubes.

“Huuu… H- Why…” he fumbles around frantically trying to reconnect his air.

“We choose to go to the moon,” I mutter over his flailing body, “not because it is easy.”

I turn my body away and walk back to the lunar module.

“But because it is…hard.”

Calamari Pastime = Squid Game for rich people

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Best Invitations to Critical Theory Laurent Shervington is a lecturer and tutor in film studies at Notre Dame University and The University of Western Australia. His work has appeared in The Philosophical Salon, Liminal Journal and the upcoming issue of Antipodes. He tweets @jazzhorse_

The thought of sitting down and reading a work of critical theory is one that many – in a lot of cases rightfully so – shy away from as too taxing or time-consuming. However, once one has a foot in the door, the potential for grappling with genuinely thoughtprovoking ideas can lead to seeing the world in a totally different way. The following are a list of invitations or introductions to the realm of critical theory. They are picked on the basis of their ability to introduce their reader to novel ways of seeing and move from easiest to most difficult.

Andrea Long Chu – Females – 2019 By far the most recent selection on this list, Andrea Long Chu’s highly polemical and energetic second wave trans studies work

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is as unrelenting in its force as it is with its sardonic humour. Chu’s inquiry is focalised mainly through a play by Valerie Solanas – the woman who penned the SCUM Manifesto and shot Andy Warhol – and follows through with the dual axioms of 1) everyone is female and 2) everyone hates it.

Acerbic and important, Chu’s work will either re-invigorate your passion for critical theory or introduce you to its wide potentiality. Étienne Balibar – The Philosophy of Marx – 1994 Short and succinct, Balibar’s 100-or-so-page text on Marx balances brevity with detail in the best possible way. Rather than try to summarise or reduce his work biographically, this text shows the various antinomies and discontinuities of the influential thinker, placing future Marxist theorists such as

You only THINK you remember A4 Pelican...

Gramsci, Althusser and Lukacs as thinkers who emerged out of these aporias. The gamut of Balibar’s book is fundamentally futural in its implications, showing how Marx was not simply a historical figure useful for understanding the emergence of early capitalism, but one who continues to shed light on our present conjecture.

Slavoj Žižek – Looking Awry – 1991 Slavoj Žižek’s early book on the work of Lacan and Hegel is a tour-de-force in reinventing how to navigate the landscape of popular culture. Žižek oscillates wildly from high to low culture, jumping from Stephen King to The Phenomenology of Spirit to detective novels to Hamlet, while still maintaining an astute link to them all. This book is your best bet if you can’t decide where to start, as its sporadic, rapid-fire style makes

it very difficult to lose interest.

Joan Copjec – Read My Desire – 1994 Leaving my hyperbole to the last moment, I say with little hesitation that Joan Copjec’s Read My Desire is one of the best books to emerge from cultural studies in the past thirty or so years, boldly drawing a throughline between topics as diverse as historicism, film noir, sexuality, race, and spectator studies.

Copjec’s overarching provocation to the field of cultural studies is to take seriously the idea of desire as a confronting and distorting force in society, encouraging the reader to pay more attention to the out-of-place and excluded elements that make up our social reality.

Pushing nearly 300 pages, this selection might appear intimidating, however, one can take her chapters as essays on their own terms one-by-one, as well as cohesively together.

Did You Know: Murray Bail was married to Helen Garner?!?

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Not Breathing Performing at Spoken Word Perth was one of the most electrifying experiences of Manveen Kaur Kohli’s life.

I am at work / and my boss is about to / assign / me a task.

I / fear / that I will get it wrong / before she even tells me / what it is.

My / mind / tells me that I am going / to make / a mistake, which I / inevitably / end up making / for self-fulfilling prophecy / is a real thing.

My mind / constantly / tells me that I am / unworthy.

I / spit / out the compliments and / swallow / the criticism, drowning / every drop / of confidence into an ocean of / insecurity.

My mind / tells me that / hyper-vigilance / is the only / way to prevent / a catastrophe, so I am / always / on high alert.

I check my / alarm clock / three times / after setting it, and my / blind spot / five times / before changing / lanes.

People perceive / these behaviours / as entertaining idiosyncrasies, but there / is nothing amusing / about being / a victim / of anxiety.

I have more / conversations / with myself / than I have / with anyone else.

They say that the / first sign / of insanity is that / you talk to / yourself, for it is / easier / to call someone / crazy / than try to understand their / anxiety, and when people / cannot hear / the cacophony / in / your mind, they assume that / you / are completely out of your / mind.

Sometimes / anxiety / feels like the only / constant / in my life, for it may / leave / for a while but / never / permanently.

When it reappears, it / grips / me with such / ferocity / that it takes the / oxygen / out of my body. The clinical term for / this is a / panic attack / but when you’ve had / so many, you become accustomed to / not breathing / and just / call it life.

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Best Coffee on Campus Revealed: My Grandpa’s

AN ODE TO THE SMOKERS’ AREA When not consulting strangers for life advice, Emma Horak is thinking of the Macca’s order awaiting her at the end of the night.

Note: the author does not condone smoking, just conversations with said ‘smokers’!

In the Smokers’ Area, you can be known by any name besides your own. The amicable pang usually starts to set in between the fourth miscellaneous shot and the ninth stab from an anonymous stiletto. You find yourself in a bathroom cubicle just to breathe, your ears still ringing from an attempted conversation with your mate. Maybe it was their heel that delivered the deathblow to your foot.

lives, lest your party greets you with a curled lip and a snarled where have you been upon your return.

The truth is, you actually enjoy those visits to the boogeymen of the night out. And sure, you might be continuously assaulted by the perfume of a lit cigarette, or that familiar desire to itch at the suffering, but with just a little patience, the magic of the smoker’s lover’s lane always reveals itself. Perhaps you may wish to do as the Romans to blend in, but there is no rule for it. Sometimes all the heavy hearts there just want another to press up against.

Picking the night’s confidant may also take scrutiny, but you need not delve into more than shallow conversation to reveal them, a simple Hi, a How are you? Unstitch those social formalities and let the alcohol bleed into the rest of the small talk.

You’ll have to be sneaky on this journey. You can’t be caught visiting how the other half

All you need do is sit back and watch the night burn down like the last dart in the pack.

Everything is muted out here, subdued.

Bodies sway to the muffled music, undercut by swells of laughter. On nights like these, the smokers are the most sociable people in existence. Their chatter curls around you in plumes.

You’ve heard sagas and epics spilled from all sorts here: characters and wallflowers all combined into one little rendezvous.

Smoking is no discriminator.

You can make your SSAF value back by collecting fewer than 100 Pelicans!

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Let’s Have a Hot Girl Summer!

Mary Macdonald: frequent UWALL stalker, cheerleader, verified Chad and fat girl.

As summer draws near, the dreaded inconveniences it brings arrive as well. We’re talking about the chafing, the under-boob sweat, the swamp ass and, most importantly, the never-ending chafing. Did I say that already? Well, it’s the worst bit, it needed to be first and last.

So, as it draws near, let’s have a hot girl summer. Let’s avoid the awkward waddle-walk summer with a few of my verified fat girl tricks of the trade.

Under-boob sweat, firstly, is normal and, secondly, does not need to be explained in any way. However, it’s totally understandable if, like me, you despise it and just want to be the hot girl rocking the braless look! We do have a hack for you and promise it’s not some random Tik Tok one.

To reduce underboob sweat , try the “Mitchum, clinical gel deodorant”. It’s a life saver, a miracle worker and just perfect even for the sweatiest and most sensitive people. Roll some of that on where you need it, wait five minutes and you’ll be good for the rest of the day.

Speaking of miracle workers, ever been in the gym sweating up a storm before suddenly noticing that the storm is more of a swamp down there? First again, it’s a normal thing to happen and is just one of the parts of being thick.

There is nothing to be ashamed about. However, if you are trying to flirt with your Prince or Princess Charming at the gym, this gel deodorant once again comes in handy.

We want nothing to hold you back so slap some of the “Mitchum, clinical gel deodorant” on the inner of your thighs (but far away from your ‘areas’) and you’ll be feeling more confident than ever.

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Some random people taught me French on campus. Took only 3 years and $10000!

Now for the devil itself, the chub rub, waiter butt, taco ass, sports nipple…whatever you want to call it. There are thousands of life hacks that I have tried to avoid this thick person problem yet not a single one has worked. Talcum powder? Works for five minutes. Deodorant? Doesn’t work full stop. Chub rub balm? Yeah right, an expensively useless product. The anti-chaff shorts? If I wanted to wear bike shorts, then I would already be wearing them. Let me tell you that miraculously, I have found the perfect product for you which I have been using for over a year.

My 120kgs of verified fat girl will die saying this product is everything. The best bit is it’s cheap, will last you a long time, and smells amazing. Drumroll, for…“Palmer’s cocoa butter formula moisturising body oil”! I slap this on at the beginning of my day and do not need to re-apply at all. I want to clarify that I work events and some days can walk up to twenty kilometres, and am always in shorts. I also performed in cheer in front of 6000 people with this baby between my thighs, moving without the pain of rubbing. If you’re done struggling, grab some of this from your local Kmart, Coles or legit anywhere and use it so you can wear that cute outfit without a care in the world.

I hope this survival guide has helped you to live the hot girl summer we all need.

Love, Verified Fat Girl.

Xander, we salute you.

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Freaky

A Grisly, Girlboss Murder-Spree Rachel Denham-White is a literature student who spends her days dreaming about Sapphic witches?

Do you like horror films? What about slashers? Do you mind if the characters exist to get killed, or do you prefer for them to have interesting personalities? How about the killer? Do they have to be walking monoliths of brute force, or can they add a few quips? What about gore? When you pick your horror film, is it the bloodier the better?

Well, if all the above is true, I’ve got a gem of a movie for you!

Freaky is my ultimate, guilty pleasure horror movie and I want to sing its praises this October.

Freaky is a body-swapping narrative starring Vince Vaughn and Kathryn Newton, where a shy, reserved, and unpopular high school girl is stuck in the body of a hulking serial killer. As Millie desperately tries to get her body back, the Blissfield Butcher uses his new immunity to wreak havoc upon the town and murder any student who gets in 62

his way (or slightly annoys him). Directed

by Christopher Landon, the creator behind the Happy Death Day movies, Freaky hits as the perfect blend of horror and comedy, and a serious blood fest!

Firstly, the acting is top notch. Vaughn and Newton play dual roles and both of them are absolutely amazing as their body-swapped other. It’s hilarious to see a huge man like Vaughn take on the mannerisms of an insecure teenager, and Newton is the perfect blend of sexy and menacing when she takes up the mantle of the Blissfield Butcher. The cast is made up of fun side characters, such as Millie’s precocious friends, her cute but dull love interest, a couple of mean girls, and a truly unforgettable woodworking teacher played by Alan Ruck.

Freaky is a Blumhouse film, which means it’s definitely aimed at a younger generation of horror viewers. This does show a little bit,

The VC is just in a silly goofy mood.

as the high school segments are dominated by modern day slang, references, and jokes meant to appeal to a younger crowd.

However, I’d argue that Freaky still appeals to all, as the film deals with interesting ideas of gender fluidity through the body-swapping narrative, and complex themes such as grief and insecurity. I have to applaud the film for its representation, as it includes a queer teen (played by non-binary actor Misha Osherovich), who is not: A) villainized; B) killed off in the first few minutes; or C) camp to the point of absurdity. Instead, the film presents an actual, enjoyable, and relatable LGBTQ+ character.

in horror movies, I had so much fun cheering when the douchey, incel jocks are all murdered in horrific ways. Like I said, guilty pleasure.

But (and this is a big but) here comes my guilty pleasure part. The film is utterly, unashamedly post-feminist, as The Butcher in Millie’s body becomes a pseudo-girlboss and does not take kindly to any of the casual sexism thrown at them. For someone who’s watched girl after girl get chopped up by a misogynistic killer

So, if you’re sick to death of rinse-and-repeat 80’s slasher films, or the plethora of terrible slasher remakes from the early 2000’s, or you just can’t watch another Conjuring movie, then what are you waiting for? Grab the friends, grab the popcorn, turn off the lights and give Freaky a watch this Halloween.

And the cherry on top of the cake is that even though this film appeals to a younger crowd, Freaky is rated R! So there is no holding back on the blood, as the movie showcases some truly monumental gore. I thought I’d seen every way you can murder someone, but then Freaky proved me wrong. I won’t give too many spoilers, but one particular scene with a buzzsaw earned a standing ovation from me at the practical effects! For the gore hounds out there, Freaky won’t disappoint.

Talk QWERTY to me ;)

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Berenice’s Lover Rachel Denham-White

Content Warning: Violence

Berenice was in her early twenties when I first entered the stone-walled and crumbling sepulchre of the family mansion. The two of them could always be found in the library, her fair hair shining like a candle in the gloom of the bookcases, while he seemed to fade into the fawn leather of his armchair.

The nuptials were already made, but tedious issues of funding meant we had a great deal of empty time to spend together. I spent that time sitting on the divan in the corner of the room. At first, I had books to occupy me, but when their fragile, spotted pages ceased to interest me, my gaze drifted over to her and stayed there.

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If you’re feeling bad about 2021 at UWA, read Pelican’s 2015 re-cap.

He couldn’t have known. He was not worthy of her.

We both looked. How could we not? Berenice was a shaft of sunlight in that room, as bright as an ember smoking among dark coals. He had his marital right, and I was overstepping my place, but still I let my eyes drift over her body. Her delicate frame. Her fine-boned features. The golden cage of her hair, secured with a pearl hatpin. How could he have known the number of times I slid that hatpin into her soft tresses, restoring her to the picture of womanly innocence each morning after a night we spent together. How could he know how I pressed my face into her white flanks to stifle my moans, as her fingers coaxed sensations of icy heat all along my body. How could he know the texture of the inside of her wrist, smooth and supple as fine linen? Or the hollow of her throat, the way it shook and trembled as I brushed feather light kisses over her creamy skin.

He couldn’t have known. He was not worthy of her.

And so the anger and jealousy bubbled over and seemed to flood through me, tinging my veins with stinging hate. My gaze moved from her to him, his shrunken form confined to that armchair. I knew he spent his days looking, but slowly, dreadfully, I began to understand. I would stare at the profile of his

face for as long as I dared, and I began to map the desire in his features. But not the kind I felt, a rosy blush igniting in my ribs and pooling between my legs. A dark, questioning desire. He stared at Berenice as though he wanted to understand how she worked, to take her apart piece by piece, peel back the skin and muscle, stick his face past the white bars into the red, beating rhythm of her soul.

If a gaze like that could wilt the woman I so ardently adored, what would his caresses look like? I dreaded to think of how her petals would be plucked in the marriage bed.

One day, we sat in the library together and I for once, I was trying not to look at Berenice.

She and I had concocted a private joke in the small hours that morning. One hidden glance between us was enough to send us into a fit of remembered hilarity. I smiled into my sleeve and turned my eyes to him instead.

My blood ran cold.

What was this new expression? I thought I had understood his urges as simple lust before, but now, I was transfixed with horror at the naked obsession upon his face. Eyes bulging, teeth gritted, he sat like a hound on point. He stared at Berenice with a burning

Remember high school.

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intensity. He looked as though he ached to leap from the chair and tear her head from her body, so he could cradle it in his hands and stroke a long smooth line from forehead, to cheek, to jaw, to the gushing bloody stump. ******* Laudanum is a funny drug. It loosens the tongue, but bones become leaden pipes sewn into the lining of the skin. I left Berenice to dress for dinner and found my way back to the library where I had left him, slumped, and fainting against the leather armrest. I propped him up and straddled him.

Smiling coquettishly, I leant down and whispered in his ear, “Why do you stare so at Berenice?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “She is to be my wife,” he said, voice slurring.

“She does not belong to you yet. It is impure to stare with such desire.”

His pupils shrank in fear as he blurted, “I only wanted her teeth!”

Her teeth? Her teeth!

I slid my hand into my sash and pulled out the pearl hatpin.

“Well,” I crooned, tracing the skin beneath his lower lashes. “Her teeth may concern you a great deal, but I am interested in something of yours.” ******* Berenice was in the retiring room. She sat by the piano forte but turned to greet me with a kiss.

“Where is Egaeus, my love?”

I smoothed her feathery curls as I smiled into the skin of her neck.

“He’s resting his eyes.”

His face was growing slack again, the drug deadening his thoughts. Fury coursed through me like venom and I gripped his throat. “Why?” 66

Re/fresh your Con/test with this Trans/mission from Wonder/land: Name/less.

Unbound: A Review Izabela Barakovska

“Presented by Blank Space Productions, Unbound is a story for our age: a bewitching collision of classical text and dynamic contemporary forms that is sure to challenge everything you think you know about the Bard.” - Blue Room Theatre In literature, classics are greatly defined by their timelessness - their ability to give meaning to an audience, regardless of how many years after its original context.

Shakespeare’s works are widely considered classics for that exact reasoning. Julius Caesar teaches us that absolute power corrupts absolutely, The Tempest teaches us about the underlying orders of hierarchies in society and the inflexibility of its power, while Romeo and Juliet teaches us about the entwining of free will and the timeless belief of fate.

These stories are their own kind of parable, and whilst so much of their value can be transcended into our Twenty-First Century, there without a doubt still are key elements of power imbalances between classes, races, religions and genders that, whilst still prevalent today, existed to a much greater and more socially accepted degree in Shakespeare’s England.

Whilst I greatly admire the works of Shakespeare – having even had the chance to

visit his family home, New Place, in the heart of Stratford-upon-Avon, and admired the sculptures of his most famous works – one simply cannot shake their beliefs and values inherent to our time today.

With great anticipation, I sat to watch Unbound, a Blank Space production at Perth’s very own Blue Room Theatre.

One word – goosebumps.

Unbound was the fruition of three years of work that set out to explore the women of ‘The Canon’, in particular by the Bard (Shakespeare), through an amalgamation of various existing plays and sonnets.

In literature, the ‘canon’ or ‘western canon’ – for those new to the phrase – refers to a collective body of work deemed important, influential and consequential by society, which is largely (though not wholly) composed of works in literature, music, philosophy and art by heteronormative, European white men from privileged socioeconomic and educational backgrounds.

Okay so it’s Lizzie McGuire but you’re Lizzie and I’m Miranda.

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The production itself can be seen as: “A twisting journey of unpacking the canon, finding moments that we felt needed addressing and responding to them. We began in 2019 making work of all different styles and approaches from dance to modernised retellings. We reworked scenes and adjusted the narrative to give more power and autonomy to the female characters. And we also amalgamated multiple plays into a single moment.” - Unbound.

The three leading sisters - Emilia (from Othello), Ophelia (from Hamlet) and Volumnia (from Coriolanus) - took centre stage in a way unprecedented in any of Shakespeare’s works. Unbound explores their resilience, direction and relationships in the fight to stay fit in a world defined by power and its dynamics.

Across two acts (Act I: The Kingdom, and Act II: The Forest), the production explored “narrative-based moments, and [other moments] bent towards the abstract and joyful. Two very different forms that spoke powerfully in juxtaposition to each other.

And in this moment Unbound became a conversation between these two forms. If we want to empower women in Shakespeare’s canon, if we want to unpack and respond to the restrictions placed on gender and sexuality, neither of these forms can be silenced. Both need to be explored.”

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The first act led us from coffins to thrones to high walls by open water - the set consisted of heavy cubes that were constantly changing and evolving to depict the scene with powerful simplicity that encouraged the audience to focus on the power of the dialogue, movement, and dynamic relationships between characters.

Wholly full circle, the opening act both began and ended with the death of a queen – a powerful parallel that pushes the mind to try and battle those Shakespearean concepts of fate and free will in the lives of women characters in these classic plays, and in the society they represent.

Their plot – utterly powerful – touched on many key themes in feminist analysis, as seen through the exploration of gaslighting, madness, hysteria, emotional evaluations of women as leaders, power structures in romantic relationships, the concept of sisterhood, and the demonstration of various female figures in and out of power throughout the course of the play.

The intensity of the emotions conveyed at times felt too intimate to watch – not just love and lust, but rage, grief, betrayal, loss, hurt, fear, empowerment, strength, and influence.

The colouring of the costuming and set was also noteworthy. Black and white costumes and set pieces were disrupted - and jarringly

Pelican: The Movie broke box office

The whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about how phenomenal this would be to photograph.

at that - only twice. Once, by an arm drenched in blood, which only highlighted the intensity of the character’s deliverance of violent justice, and at the end of the act, through the literal tearing of a gleaming white crown that had circulated between the hands and wills of various characters - which shed a colourful confetti onto the stage after one of the most tragic scenes of the performance.

Honestly, it was cinematic.

The second act was otherworldly, and “finds the women transported into a technicolour dreamscape where inner fears and desires are unleashed in a whirl of movement, dance and sound” (Blue Room Theatre).

Where ‘The Kingdom’ explored the way these stories are reflected in our contemporary Western society, which continues to struggle against patriarchal structures as it moves through various global movements and waves of evolving feminism, ‘The Forest’ explores concepts of femininity, gender, and identity without labels and structured relationships, but instead through performative and dramatic arts.

There was nothing but colour – and it was everywhere – from a mountain of confetti in the Blue Room theatre itself, to the fluorescent costumes of the characters. It was quite beautiful, how this act visually

depicted the chaos of a Shakespearean play with humour, colour, sound, and movement.

This act had me thinking less, and feeling more. Part of that, I believe, comes from the accessibility of movement and colour for interpretation in comparison to the complexities and nuances of Shakespearean English; and part also comes from the shock of the transition between themes and styles between the acts.

The whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about how phenomenal this would be to photograph. It was one of the most captivating performances I’ve ever seen, with a level of acting that was incomprehensible to my mind – so talented, it made imagining how the actors communicate and behave in reality quite difficult.

A huge, well-deserved congratulations to Bridget Le May, Gala Shevtsov, Hannah Evelyn, Hock Edwards, Kynan Hughes, and Rylan Marano for their truly incredible, world-class performances. And to Amber Kitney, Bec Price, Hannah Portwine, Kat Shaw and Mickey Moroz for their work on Unbound.

Should it ever be performed again, watch it.

You Can Do It! You really can!!!

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Earth Cry

Owen Gust wants you to go to @themanicmusic on Instagram and then listen to their debut single

my aching core my aching core my aching core, why does no one care for me anymore? i miss the fish that prosper and the birds that soar now

all they want is more. i am naked and vulnerable

for all to see. i am completely assailable. so, they take me down with glee

to show me what is unreclaimable:

a circle filled with white conferee

a sharpened knife to feed the insatiable. my misplaced denizen

my former kin my protector and citizen,

my stomach impaled with a lynchpin my rotting body i am living in

my face erased with the colour of our skin.

when the land hurt with lack

from behind a white man’s back, he was posed like a thief and he had pulled a wreath, and blood pooled

from around his teeth. pools and lakes, that diluted the blood,

while my mountain of wealth creaks and aches, driving us down

into the mud. taken from

the hollow tree water that was cherished

like gold, the broken sacredness of decree and owners grieve, the tainting of the sacred tree.

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UWA Cost-Cutting Measure #43: selling all the golf buggy thingos.

I would like to apologise to all the people

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Lament of a Most-Popular BNOC Anonymous Disclaimer: This piece is not for the easily offended or self-centred human. If you are a member of said species, read at your own peril. This BNOC will not be responsible for any broken hearts or bruised egos.

Imagine it is early 2020: you have just left high school and are ready to begin your journey to independence. You’ve been excited about this for years, working hard to obtain the perfect grades in order to expand your knowledge at your dream university. You get accepted, you convince your parents to let you go abroad, and you spend hours on Pinterest designing your dorm room. Then, suddenly, a global pandemic paralyses your plans and forces you to stay home. Now, almost two years and the majority of your degree later, you’re still studying online, with the monotony of Zoom calls looming over you for the foreseeable future. This is not how you imagined your university life playing out.

Greetings, dear reader. Let me introduce myself: I am a BNOC – A Basic Nuisance Off-Campus (yes, because I have so much originality). Like a certain Lady W, I find myself compelled to speak out for the most underrepresented group on-campus, or rather off-campus (no, it is not those Albany folks).

I am here today to share with you the perils 72

faced by offshore students. Now you may be wondering, dear reader, what on earth an offshore student even is? Another species that is being added to UWA’s biodiversity, perhaps? And by goodness, we might as well be – even the UWA peacocks receive better treatment than us! It’s time to stand up for what’s right, so without further ado, follow this BNOC on a journey through the wonder and whimsy of offshore student life at UWA! UWA Management: The Wolf of Stirling Highway If you weren’t able to catch the sunset right before your city went into lockdown, fret not! Our beloved Vice-Chancellor, Amit Chakma, was kind enough to photograph it for us (check it out on his Twitter account @ ProfChakma). What a privilege it must be, for the only sunsets we’ve been chasing are Zoom backgrounds. We should applaud the ViceChancellor for his commitment to living his best life and managing to achieve work-life balance. However, one must ask – can we say

I’d like to thank my parents, my dog, the Harvey Estuary, and Rolld

the same for his management of UWA? Professor Chakma has inherited a $70 million deficit, according to university management.

The university is unhappy, staff are unhappy, students are unhappy – but as long as the ViceChancellor gets to run after sunsets and live a #blessed life, I guess all is well in Chakmaland!

I admire Professor Chakma’s dedication in becoming rich (his current pay is reportedly around $700 000). Yet, in only one year, he has revealed the University’s plans to cut 300-400 jobs, boot majors, and fire academics. With all of this slashing, readers may imagine that mercy is being shown to offshore students with regards to their fees, but really, think about it logically dears – why would University management show mercy to his cash cows?

Just for kicks, let’s do the equations (very, very approximately). His annual pay could account for around about-ish:

•

• •

A year’s worth of tuition for twenty international students or 100 domestic students A year’s salary for eight academics/ administrative staff The purchase of 1000 Peacocks

Shouting Into the Void Settle down, settle down, this BNOC sees all sides of the story. We cannot blame Professor Chakma for everything that goes wrong (no matter how much we’re inclined to). You, dear reader, are at fault too! Ask yourself: have you ever spared a thought for offshore students? Nine out of ten offshore students have faced mental health deterioration due to online learning. Some Unit Coordinators (UCs) have mistreated offshore students, neglecting to provide online tutorials, and sometimes, even forgetting that we exist!

This author knows personally of a student whose emails were answered with radio silence from a UC, who, when they eventually replied, told their offshore pupil that they had “forgotten” them over the break.

If you’d like to be a Pelican Editor in 2022, God Help You xoxo

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Now, I don’t want to hear anyone crying “but we can’t do anything about that!” You are fighting so hard for the social sciences (rightfully so), but where is this gusto when thousands of students are being ripped off in Chakmaland? We have been isolated for sixteen months, are more than $80k out of pocket for a sub-par educational experience, and yet no one is advocating for us. This begs the question – does anyone at UWA even care?

The ball is now in your court…

Hopefully, you know what an offshore student is now. So, I’ll answer the next question which has undoubtedly formed in your mind: “What can I do to help offshore students?” We are really not asking for much.

We just want you to understand that we’re not the bad guys here. Really, it’s that simple.

Your ignorance, coupled with the University’s administrative power fuels the discrimination and isolation that offshore students face daily.

If the plight of offshore students does not move you emotionally (fair enough, sometimes this BNOC finds that peacocks are indeed better than humans), let me enlighten you on some more selfish reasons to start caring. As offshore students continue to transfer to other universities and defer, UWA loses its stream of cash cows. It is the next greatest minds of Western Australia who will pay the price for this (just to clarify, we mean you). Think of all your research opportunities, scholarships, facilities, and the UCs you love so much. You’re losing the social sciences. Do you really want to find out what’s next on 74

Amit’s chuck list?

If you’ve made it this far without your fragile self-importance shattering into a million pieces; congratulations, you might actually have a heart! Chakma and the pandemic have taken so much from everyone, but you have the power to be a decent human being.

This author implores you to open your heart to offshore students, just as you would when confessing your repressed desires on UWALL. They say that an investment in your education will pay dividends. We have been paid well in depression, hateful comments, and having to pay for our education cash up front.

This BNOC hopes that you are now woke to the plight of offshore students. Now back to the question, “What can I do to help?” If you know someone who is studying online, check-in with them, be their friend. If you are a part of a university club, consider organizing a few online events – if we can do online yoga and Zoom weddings, surely an online speed friending wouldn’t be too much of an effort?

Take a page out of the International Student Department’s book and consider recruiting a few offshore students onto your committees.

If you are part of the Student Guild, ask yourself whether you have lobbied for the interests of offshore students. This author has seen many sad aspects of humanity, but here’s hoping that there is a flicker of kindness in the brightest minds of tomorrow.

Yours truly, The most popular BNOC

/. That is all.

Nude Outtakes Getting a good nude takes a LOT of work. You must contend with fire, floating magazines, Kreepy Kraulys, prickles, splinters, and FREEZING cold. Enjoy these behindthe-scenes outtakes of our struggles to try find the elusive Perfect Nude. Spoiler: perfection doesn’t exist, even with PhotoShop to help.

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Inside This Edition:

The Swanbourne Nudist Olympics – Nicholas Warrand No Life on a Naked Earth – Jack Logan Confessions of a (Former) Forward Slash - Clea Sanders Lament of a Most-Popular BNOC – Anonymous And so, so much more...

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