The Val Echo Issue 1510

ISSUE 1510 | JAN 31, 2020

THE

ECHO

FREE WEEKLY GUIDE TO VAL D’ISÈRE TIGNES

M A G A Z I N E

BREXIT HOROSCOPES

HEALTH DAY

SHREDITING PHOTOS

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THE FOLIE DOUCE ART PROJECT COVER ART: ARTHUR DEERING Last year, we launched the Folie Douce Art Project, with the aim of adorning the front cover of the Echo with local artists’ creations. It worked! We ended up with 21 stunning magazines and got to meet some thoroughly fascinating individuals over a spot of lunch at La Folie Douce. The famous mountain restaurant, bar and cabaret extravaganza generously support this project and we’re thrilled to announce their continuing sponsorship this winter.

We’re now on the hunt for more creative talent. If you would like to see your work on the front of Val d’Isère’s finest English language publication, and featured on the screens at La Folie Douce, get in touch with us now. Whatever your medium, we can almost certainly accommodate it.

To find out more about how to be involved, email: contact@valecho.co.uk.

Also you can check out last year’s covers and buy prints of your favourite at www.valecho.co.uk/ folie-douce-art-project We can’t wait to see what the Echo will look like this year.

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22 EVENT LISTINGS

CONT ENTS The Val Echo CCK Intergalactic Ltd www.valecho.co.uk contact@valecho.co.uk

What’s on this week: - Town events - Bar nights - Sporting competitions

25 SHREDITING PHOTOS A brief overview on how to edit your powder shredding photographs

28 HENRY’S AVALANCHE TALK An in depth look at the snow conditions and up-coming weather for off pisters

Please recycle the magazine once you have read it. Or, better still, hand it on to someone else.

33 BREXIT HOROSCOPES

Contributors: Sam Box, Ben Pryor, Caitlin Kennedy, Sam Brown

We look to the stars for guidance during these uncertain times. NB: Just like a normal horoscope, no useful advice will be given

06 RESORT GUIDE The down-low on everything from the best restaurants to the numbers to call in an emergency

NEW STYLE

10 SPOTLIGHT ON THE ARTIST We chat to Arthur Deering the designer of this week’s cover art.

The Echo’s cover is generously sponsored by La Folie Douce

Everything you need to know about the upcoming Health Day organised by the Vie Val d’Is.

Coiffure & Massage Sur rendez-vous à partir de 14h

design www.athoms.fr

14 HEALTH DAY

Hairdresser & Massage By appointment From 2PM

28 OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE A satirical spin on the week’s events from our man on the outside, Ben Pryor

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+33(0)4 79 06 02 00 info@avancher.com Arrêt de navette UCPA / www.avancher.com

Remise Carte Vie Val d’Is

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SPOTLIGHT ON THE ARTIST Artist: Arthur Deering

used it to make south park style cartoons.

Since leaving school I’ve made animations for flash games on the internet, short cartoons about video games, little sketches, and I’m currently working on 3D animations for computer game with some friends from school.

If you had to name your cover what would it be called?

That’s a tough question; I’ve never named anything but my goldfish. It would have to be CoverDraft2.png or maybe “5 feet high and rising”.

Do you normally work in a cartoon-style?

I always have, I’ve tried more realistic styles, but it’s not for me. I can get away with a lot more in a cartoon style.

What inspires you?

The thing that inspires me most is people and personalities.

Do you come from a design background?

Not in a professional sense but it’s always been a hobby, I’ve always been creative.

Tell us about your cover - how did you go about making it?

Usually, I’d sketch on a graphics tablet directly onto the computer, but as I’m on season I didn’t bring one with me. So I sketched it out on paper and then used illustrator to ink and colour it. This isn’t something I’d normally do but I really enjoyed it.

What was your favourite comic/cartoon when you were little?

Growing up I always remember watching the Simpsons at 4pm on Channel 4 after school, and Mona the Vampire In the mornings before school. Those are the two that stand out from my early childhood. Then in my early teens the internet arrived and I found websites like newgrounds.com where people could upload cartoons and I was hooked immediately.

Is it a self portrait?

I’d love to say yes but I’ve never been upside Do you plan to go into an artistic down on a snowboard. Not yet anyways. profession further down the line?

At the moment I’m happy keeping it as a It looks like a still from an animation, is hobby, but if I got the opportunity to turn it that something you’re interested in? into a job I’d jump at it. Who wouldn’t!

Definitely, I’ve been interested in animation since secondary school. Part of IT class was Thanks Arthur! making presentations in PowerPoint and I

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HEALTH DAY Next Tuesday, the Vie Val d’Is puts on an anonymous free Health Day during which you can get help for a plethora of problems. Here’s everything you need to know.

It’s an inescapable truth for most seasonaires that your health takes a hit out here. There are bugs abound and cramped living conditions mean they spread like wildfire. Add to that the altitude, which makes it harder to heal, plus the cost of vegetables and your immune system doesn’t stand a chance. All in all, your poor body is working like a hamster in a wheel just to keep you ticking over. If you feel like a broken shell of a human, it’s probably because you are. Luckily the Vie Val d’Is are here to fix you up then stick you back together again and do it all for free.

For the Brits out here, without the friendly helping hand of the NHS, a lot of trips to the doctor are avoided for fear of stacking up a hefty bill. This is where Health Day comes in. For all the gripes and groans that have built up since the beginning of the season, you can see a professional without any charges and totally anonymously.

Had unprotected sex one time and can’t remember their name, let alone their sexual history? No biggy, all STI testing can be carried out on site. Fell over on the town wide ice rink and now can’t feel your lower body? The osteopath will sort you out.

Onto a more serious note, Val d’Isère can be god-awful if you’re not having the best time ever all the time. It’s incredibly intense here and often feels like you’re

not allowed to be feeling low, because look at all the fun everyone else is having!

The Echo is part of the problem- we’re showing the best 10% of people’s lives out here. But we’re well aware that the rest of the time, it is hard graft and tiredness. If you’ve been feeling low, anxious or just not 100% in the mental health department, first of all, it’s not just you; there are a lot of people struggling out here. Secondly, get help and talk about it. It might not solve everything straight away, but getting everything off your chest by talking to a psychologist could really ease the strain.

The psychologist and addiction specialist that are here for Health Day are fluent in English and completely confidential.

Other than what has already been mentioned, the day includes screenings for aids, hepatitis and skin cancer, dermatology, dietetics, contraception and gynaecology. A dentist will also be available.

Book in for whichever specialists you require on the day and just turn up any time from 12.30 to 7pm on Tuesday 4th February at the Maison de Val, which you’ll find next to the Aquasport Leisure Centre.

Don’t be embarrassed, it’s far better to get these things sorted and know you’re in the clear health-wise. Bring a friend, bring a lover, bring a roommate!

Appointments are available for anyone with a Vie Val d’Is card and their families. It should be noted however, that any further appointments or treatments needed will not be free.

Test results can be picked up from the same place on the 11th February.

Happy Health Day Folks!

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th

Tuesday 4

of

February 2020

Maison de Val Ǧ Val d’Isere

12.30pm - 7pm AIDS and STIs testing, update your vaccinations Dépistage SIDA, hépatites et IST Mise à jour de vos vaccinations

Screening for skin cancer Dépistage cancer de la peau

Advices on health & nutrition Conseils santé et nutrition

Journée santé

Tobacco, drugs and alcohol information

Infos et prévention tabac, drogues et l’alcool

Discovery of osteopathy Découverte de l’ostéopathie

Sexuality and contraception Informations gynécologiques, sexualité

Psychologist Psychologue

For testings, you don’t need to be fasting

Results will be communicated the 11th of February 2020 For the vaccination updates, bring your child health record booklet

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OUT OF THE BUBBLE

By Ben Pryor

With almost nothing changing for another 11 months, save for a couple of Tabacs in Brussels and Strasbourg lamenting the loss of Nigel Farage’s frequent patronage and Ann Widdecombe being wheeled back to her padded cell, Britain’s departure from the European Union feels somewhat anticlimactic. BoJo has shunned the BBC and taken to Facebook to address the nation, with a reduction in National Insurance scant bribery to offset the reduction in national assurance he can get everything done by year end, to say nothing of HS2, Northern Rail and Huawei

building the 5G network. That said, with the World Health Organisation signalling the coronavirus might be the zombie apocalypse rather than a nasty strain of pneumonia, has border control ever been so precious. The numbers infected are into tens of thousands and rising, with several hundred deaths and many airlines cancelling flights into China. Several factories there have temporarily shut down, including Tesla, so it’s not all bad news.

The Donald has launched his latest bid for the Nobel Peace Prize/misdirection from his impeachment trial now teetering on collapse, unveiling his Middle East peace plan. Predictably, it was roundly rejected by Palestinian leaders and has as much chance of success as the Donald has of winning the Nobel Prize in Economics. Recognising every illegal Jewish settlement in the West Bank and Golan Heights (presumably

including the one named after him), rather than the pre-1967 borders supported by most two-state solutions, the plan was hailed by Benjamin Netanyahu as the ‘deal of the century’; the fact he feels confident of that claim with 80 years still to run should key people in to it being the worst deal since the Russian tsar looked at Alaska in 1867 and thought he was best off shot of it.

‘Whelming’ is the latest crime against the English language to rear its head, referring to a potential dating app match letting you know how many other matches they have so you’ll try harder; should be called STD-ing. A bride ruined a £12k wedding dress when she ‘gambled on a fart and lost in a big way’, having spent the day before knocking back detox shakes which clearly involved a laxative component.

The wedding planner was left ‘sponging

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down a sobbing, naked bride’; guess she paid for the ‘Chris Brown package’.

A McDonalds takeaway was delivered to a customer in Nottinghamshire by police after the courier’s car was seized; the customer must’ve thought their Deliveroo driver was moonlighting as a stripper. The winner of a beauty contest in Eastern Russia, crowned ‘Tatiana of the year’, received a trip to China as her prize; presumably the other contestants all chipped in to buy it for her.

And finally, a grandmother had to phone her grandson to identify a dirty purple dildo after a disgruntled neighbour posted it through her door; who says there’s no role for Prince Harry in the Royal Family.

Until next week, I’m off to trademark a stripper delivery service; think I’ll call it York Royal.

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SATURDAY 1 SALOON Beer-pong specials VICTOR’S Seasonaire Saturday. 5€ beer, 4€ wine, 6€ cocktails 21-23 10% discount on food PETIT DANOIS DJ James French 10pm THE FALL LINE Super Seasonaire Saturday 6 NATIONS See page 46

EVENTS LISTINGS SUNDAY 2 PETIT DANOIS Live Music with Ali and Tchai 5pm. DJ Jack Igglesden 10pm SALOON Live Music Tom Shanks 17.30 BANANAS Drum and Bass with DJ BigKez HIBOU Sunday Funday! Happy Hour all day & Live Music w/ Max Whittall 6 NATIONS See page 46

TIGNES SALOON Beer pong specials

WEDNESDAY 5 BONNE SANTÉ Power Flow Yoga with Rose 10.30am at Le Hibou BANANAS Après-après party with DJ from 8.30-11.30pm FOLIE DOUCE WTF! Party SALOON 3€ JOSS!!

PETIT DANOIS Live Music The Mardy Johnny Depps 17h. DJ James French 22h HIBOU Wings Wednesday BONNE SANTÉ Hilltop Candlelit Yin. Refuge de Solaise 5.30pm AVALANCHE TALK with the Vie Val d’Is 7pm Free, limited places. More info pg 11 FALL LINE Live DJ on the decks TIGNES SALOON Queens of the Snow Stage & 3€ Joss!

CINEMA Bad Boys for Life in English 8.30pm

TIGNES SALOON Beer pong specials

THURSDAY 6 LEISURE CENTRE Basketball Tournament 5€ per person- 3pm, Sign up on-site.

SALOON Thirsty Thursday 15€ Long island Jug PETIT DANOIS Live Music: The Blazin’ Strings 5pm. DJ Jack Iggelsden 10pm IN TOWN Festilight- Street Party on the Main Road with walkabout performers, live music and free vin chaud VICTORS Hip Hop Night with Live DJ BANANAS Live DJ on the decks BONNE SANTÉ Hilltop Candlelit Flow.

Refuge de Solaise 11am SO BAR Karaoke Night TIGNES SALOON 15€ Long island jug

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MONDAY 3 BONNE SANTÉ Mountain Flow Yoga with Rose 10.30am at Le Hibou SALOON Messy Monday 15€ Headf*cker LA FOLIE DOUCE Born in the 90s PETIT DANOIS Live Music Mullit & the Machine 5pm. DJ Jack Igglesden 10pm AVALANCHE SAFETY TALK Free talk at 5.30pm in English on the Snowfront

TUESDAY 4 SAVONETTE Sledging competition 6pm SALOON DJ Raze spinning DNB CINEMA The Whistlers in English 6pm

BACKSTAGE VISIT Discover how the

Olympic Cable Car and Snow making facilities work. Sign up @Tourist Office.

FALL LINE Live DJ on the decks

THE MARMOT ARMS BASS STATION with DJ Komissar and friends TIGNES SALOON Messy Monday – the wall 15€

FRIDAY 7 PETIT DANOIS Live music with Karen & Andreas 5pm. DJ Jack Igglesden 22h SALOON 3€ J-Bombs SAVONETTE Yooner sledging 6pm

PETIT DANOIS Live Music The Revolverlites 5pm. DJ Jack Igglesden 22h PETIT SALON D’ANTOINE Stick and Poke tattoo night at the salon. 8pm VICTOR’S Retro Night! All your favourite tunes from the 70s, 80s and 90s TIGNES SALOON Triangle Tuesday 10 shooters 15€

ALL WEEK BANANAS Happy Hour 6.30-7.30pm and 10.30-11.30pm HIBOU Happy Hour 4-7pm. Kitchen open from 12pm for lunch SALOON (VAL) Happy Hour 8-10pm: all jugs 15€ + 3€ Joss. 2-4-1 at Après (4-6pm) LA FOLIE DOUCE Seasonaire Meal Deal 12€ @ Petite Cuisine VICTOR’S Cocktail Hour 10-11pm. Cocktails 6€ Restaurant booking 0479060652

TIGNES SALOON 3€ J-bombs

THE FALL LINE Happy hour everyday 3-5pm4.50€ pints. Beer Pong every day 12€ a jug.

BLUE NOTE Happy Hour everyday 3-6pm, Hot Sloe Gin & Tonic plus great complimentary nibbles during Après.

T-SALOON 2-4-1 @ après (4-6pm). Happy Hour 20-22h: jugs 15€ + 3€ Joss. All sport shown SO BAR Open 4pm everyday with free Aprés pizza & a fab new cocktail menu

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SHREDITING

PHOTOS With this glorious and long awaited neige we have been receiving, it is prime time to get those pitted snaps. The edit can make or break these photographs and so in this article, we will delve into some tips and tricks for getting the most out of your shots.

It should be said that I am by no means an expert and am still learning to edit these shots to their best potential but I will share some things I have learnt. These tips will generally apply to shooting on a DLSR and editing RAW files in Adobe Lightroom but can somewhat be applied to shooting and editing photographs on a phone.

Getting everything right when taking a picture is essential to being able to edit the shot correctly. Particularly with the exposure, if you have blown out the highlights in the first place then trying to save them may be pointless. However, if you still have detail in the whites, you want to get the exposure to a point where you can see some of this detail. If the snow is looking better but rider is now too dark, you can make local adjustments to brighten the subject, or vice versa.

This leads on to one of the hardest parts of editing powder shots, particularly when shooting in flat light, which is creating

some contrast. When the light is flat, I tend to shoot in the trees to get some depth and contrast which is easier to accentuate in the edit. If you have already brought the exposure down on the snow, you should start seeing some texture and shading. I will then brush on some ‘clarity’ and ‘texture’ to areas where the snow is being broken up and lifted by the rider which makes the spray look more obvious and dramatic. If there are trees or rocks about, I will make sure these are nice and dark to give the image good overall contrast. That being said, flat light makes for desaturated colours so I am a fan of keeping some colour in the rocks and trees where possible so that the image doesn’t look too monochromatic.

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Depending on how you have shot the image, it may or may not want a crop.

Although there are ‘rules’ and things that tend to look more appealing than others, good composition is really up to you to decide on. The fact that Instagram is the final resting place for the majority of photographs means that portrait, close up vibes tend to be very in-style for shots in flat light as they stand out more on a phone screen. Tragically, as a result, I often see much better thought out and intricate compositions not performing as well since they only really work on a computer screen or in print. My advice, however, is to crop and edit your photographs to how you want them to look, not to a particular style

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in the hope that they are going to perform better on the ‘gram (a tip I regularly fall foul of).

White balance is something I find really, really tricky for on-snow photography. All cameras and phones have automatic white balance which is usually pretty solid. However, snow can often look very blue on camera, especially in the shade or when the light is flat. Christophe Hassel (the god of skiing photography) gave me the amazing yet super simple tip of desaturating areas of snow that look overly blue. Once you are happy with your white balance, this tip is great for cleaning up areas of the shot that still don’t sit right with you.

My final tip is to really try to avoid the classic ’over edit’. It is very easy to go too ham on those sliders and make your photo look like it was edited in MS Paint. It always

helps to take a break from the screen and come back to it with fresh eyes. Looking at the original file can also help you see if you have gone a bit overboard with the edit.

Since I started writing this article, the rain has come and done bad things to the snow.

Hopefully you already got some powder shots while it lasted and can now play around with editing them!

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OFF PISTE SNOW REPORT Brought to you by Henry’s Avalanche Talk www. henrysavalanchetalk. com

We needed more snow and we got it! Winter returned with a vengeance last Tuesday and Wednesday, bringing plenty of fresh snow accompanied by wild northwesterly winds.

Thursday was a glorious blue sky powder morning with very variable snow depths due to the wind. But there was plenty of powder to go around. The wind had come from the NW, so we found the most snow on SW, S, SE, E, and NE slopes.

Temperatures are due to rise a little, making the rain/snow limit around 2000 m or so.

Higher altitudes will be reaping the rewards, while it could sometimes be raining below 2000 m. However, there’s a very good chance that skiing could be excellent at various points over the next week!

Violent north-westerly winds (gusts up 180 km/hr recorded at around 3500m above Le Fornet) have blown the snow all over the place, making it difficult to say how much fresh snow has actually fallen. Needless to say, that following these high winds and large quantities of fresh snow, the avalanche risk has risen to a considerable 3/5, or even a high 4/5. Check out what the avalanche danger ratings mean.

Some of the best skiing we’ve had recently has been in the trees, where visibility has been better and the snow has been less affected by the ravages of the wind.

Recent history of the snowpack Off-piste snow depths have increased, although the surface is very windblown, especially at high altitude. In some exposed areas the snow has been blown off completely. In wind-exposed areas above

2500 m, the snow surface is very irregular and hardened.

Preventative avalanche blasting to secure the pistes on Wednesday morning revealed a high amount of snowpack instability, with several distance-triggered avalanches occurring. There is also a weak layer in the snowpack that we spoke about in our previous blog.

What is the current avalanche risk in the Northern French Alps/Savoie?

At the time of writing (Thurs 30th Jan) the avalanche risk has gone down from a high 4/5 to a considerable 3/5. However, for us, the risk is a ‘very high 3 bordering on 4’ possibly for the next few days if it continues to snow. We believe there’s going to be a high danger of triggering avalanches, especially when visibility improves, along with the lure of skiing fresh powder.

Following other people’s tracks is a particularly easy trap to fall into. Don’t do it unless you know that where they are leading you is safe.

What does this mean for off-piste skiers and snowboarders?

There is going to be fantastic skiing for the next week, especially when the sun comes out. Be wary of the weak layer if you are on slopes that were not heavily skied before. Henry’s Avalanche Talk heard some whumphing on Thursday which is a sign of a weak layer collapsing. Be cautious about sunny slopes warming up and the risk of spontaneous avalanches. This is particularly an issue below 2300m.

Where is most at risk at the moment?

Steep slopes with fresh snow on them and terrain traps beneath them are going to be particularly at risk. The best advice for the next week is to stick with slopes under 30 degrees. And if you do go steeper, make sure there are no terrain traps below you (cliffs, bowls, barriers, trees etc.)

How does the forecast look for the

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SATURDAY 1: Rainy day, cloudy at dawn.

The rain reaches all the massifs during the afternoon, the snow-rain limit remains high.

Quantities of rain expected by Sunday morning: 10-15mm. The equivalent in cm of snow above 2200m only. Isotherm 0°C: 2700 then 2300 // 2400 m during the day. Wind at 3000 m: WSW to WNW 50-80 km/h on the Italian border.

SUNDAY 2: Rain and strong wind. Overcast in the morning, then a warm front passes over the department. Heavy rain in the afternoon with a snow-rain limit going up to about 2500m all accompanied by strong gusts of North-West wind reaching 100km/h in Haute Tarentaise and Haute-Maurienne where it will rain less.10 to 15mm expected. Very windy snowfall at high altitude.

MONDAY 3: The fast current of WNW turns west and accelerates further. Few residual showers early in the morning, then the clouds dissipate. The sky clouds over again in the night. Isotherm 0°C around 1900m.

TUESDAY 4: The very fast current from West turns to NW, generating strong winds in high mountains. Many clouds and marked precipitation. Isotherm 0°C around 500m.

WEDNESDAY 5: The north current remains fast. Storms and snow showers. More gusts of Bise. Isotherm 0°C around 600m.

THURSDAY 6: The fast north current turns to the NNE and becomes more moderate. A partial cloud sea persists, locally over 3000m in the morning, up to over 1500m in the evening, with rare flakes still possible in the morning. Isotherm 0°C around 900m.

Tip of the week In the words of Alain Duclos, Avalanche Expert, sticking to low-angled slopes with wide skis is not a bad option this week.

There is a hidden demon under the snowpack in form of a weak layer.

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N E W F I N E F O O D S D E L I C AT E S S E N IN THE TOURIST OFFICE SQUARE. O R D E R O N L I N E AT l m d l m . c o m O R VISIT THE STORE

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BREXIT Capricorn HOROSCOPES Although we generally steer clear of Politics here at The Echo, it would be amiss of us not to mention the UK’s departure from the Union, on this historic(ally awful) week.

However, you feel about Brexit, most of us can agree it all feels a bit apocalyptic. Not just on the sad, lonely little island most of us hail from, but the world at large too, what with super-viruses zapping about in the air, the looming dread of dictatorial morons threatening a return to the joyous cold war period, and nature throwing an absolute hissy fit across the globe.

Sometimes it can feel as though we are helpless little leaves in a gale, being blown around with no control or ability to help ourselves or those around us, but fear not!

Just as our ancestors before us sought the counsel of the gods, we have a foolproof way of knowing what the future holds for each and every one of us. We’ve consulted with the stars and so have envisioned Brexit Horoscopes to guide us through these difficult times.

Aquarius

Your passport will become more akin in colour to the water symbol that represents you. This change is caused by Neptune who is angry about a mermaid who wants to be a human. Don’t worry though, because there’s a fun lobster who will save the day.

Taurus

All the Remainer Tauruses out there will steadfast refuse to believe we have left the Union, due to being stubborn bulls. This will be fine until Mars, God of War enters your trajectory and boots you out of the little Lithuanian village you had decided to live out your delusion in.

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Feeling like a bit of an old goat? If you’re fed up of exporting your milk and cheese without hefty tariffs, then you’ll be glad to hear that due to Mercury rising in the East, things are about to change. It’s time to keep your milk to yourself.

Virgo

Do you have a German Shepherd / French Bull-Dog? Bad luck! Looks like they’ll be deserting you quite soon. Pluto, planet(ish) of destruction has beef with Pluto the cartoon dog over copyright issues and so dogs of different nationalities will be feeling anxious to return to their country of origin to figure out their family tree.

Pisces

You need to figure out your allegiance.

Which side of the divide are you? Are you an Irish fish or a British fish? Astrological influences will force you to make a decision

Scorpio

If you hear a loud crash in the night, don’t worry it’s just the universe as you know it imploding around you. To avoid feelings of existential dread, just tune in to Great British Bake Off or some weird woman whispering about cutting your fingernails for you (aka ASMR) and it’ll all be fine. You’re fine. We’re all fine. Honestly, it really is fine.

Sagittarius

Jupiter is rising in your chart, which signifies money. This suggests you’ll find greater meaning in the words of the new 50p Brexit coin,”Peace, Prosperity and Friendship with all Nations”. If the prosperity part fails, you can always melt the coin down and try and get some scrap metal money as the UK have had to do twice.

Leo

With Venus arriving in the skies above Europa, you’ll meet a mysterious European stranger and marry them within two weeks

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for reasons entirely unrelated to Visas.

Libra

New Trading Agreements, new you, right Libras? Change is afoot and you’ll benefit from throwing your cards up in the air and seeing where the celestial bodies cause them to land. No literally, take a pack of tarot cards and just throw them around outdoors.

At least it’ll make everyone around you feel better about themselves because they haven’t yet resorted to bullshit methods of future detection.

Cancer

useless you are. Huzzah!

Aries

Those horns are finally going to come in handy. Earth is prominent in your chart over the next few months, so get digging and start making your apocalypse bunker.

So there you have it. Through all the doom and gloom, there is a light at the end of the astrological tunnel. Or is it just a load of lighters being held up in a slowed down rendition of Billy Idol’s ‘Dancing With Myself’? Hard to say.

You’ve actually not got a lot happening this year. Sorry.

Gemini

This is a great time to be a Gemini.

Normally, you drive everyone insane with your indecisiveness. But now that no one knows what’s happening and U turns are the new black, no one is noticing how god-damn

In the Galerie de Thovex at the corner of the Tourist Office Square

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SEASONAIRE OF THE WEEK Phil Packham Season Count?

Seven in Val, eight in total. Still crap at skiing though.

What is bigger penis energy, Sam Box’s massive camera or UCPA Rasmus’ 120mm underfoot skis?

I feel like Sam is overcompensating for something with his camera whereas Rasmus puts it all out on show.

Why do you shy away from oysters?

Last Christmas I was pretty ill and ate just one. Said oyster then reappeared in the shower. Imagine the journey that oyster went on.

Proudest moment of the season?

Beating Joe Sullivan three times in a row at pool.

Would you rather: Bert Bender or a different Scandi girl?

Bert because I work with the girl he is with and she says he is amazing.

What are you best at cooking?

The instant noodles from Sherpa. You get a chicken one and a prawn one and mix them together; I call it ‘con’fusion.

If you could be any superhero who would you be and why?

I often get mistaken for Karl Pilkington so I would be Bullshit Man. Dumbest thing you have done on a season?

You try to forget them, don’t you? In a previous chalet employment many years ago, I got caught ‘massaging’ a girl on the massage table.

If you were to lose the capability of your limbs tomorrow, what would you do today?

Pisteurs’ Couloir.

What is your Karaoke song?

From Ritz to Rubble by The Arctic Monkeys.

Or any Gerry Cinnamon song.

Do you like Pina Coladas and getting

caught in the rain?

Of course I do. What sort of weirdo doesn’t?

Would you rather get caught in the rain with another cocktail?

I have a habit of buying lots of Espresso Martinis.

If you could ride any dog what would it be?

An Alpaca. I have only just discovered what they are, I had to look them up when I first saw one.

You need to look up the definition of dog, Phil.

“Seasonaire of the Week” is sponsored

by Le Petit Salon d’Antoine who offers our featured seasonaire a free haircut!

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TALK OF THE TOWN

biggest smile and highest vocal clarity in the Tarentaise, managed to fall off a lift this week. That is all.

PENICE

INSTANT KARMA

Two distinguished journalists (who love to rant about people skiing on the road) did the unthinkable this week. Rumour has it that ten metres from their apartment, they inexplicably decided to clip into their skis.

However, hardly five metres into the sinful act, a police car pulled up and ordered them to unclip. It is not clear who the perpetrators were but a reliable source told The Echo that it was Seasonaire of the week, Phil Packham.

For a while now, we have been toying with the idea of starting a ‘shit snowman of Val d’Isère’ section to highlight the very worst snow creations around town. This week, however, we have been sent a rather impressive snow creation that has been making guys everywhere feel inadequate.

MINGO THE FLAMINGO

It can be incredibly dangerous to traverse the lethal icy pavements of Val, but much more so when you are already injured. How then, are you supposed to get the squad to the pub when you are short of a working leg? This week, we bring you the inspiring story of George Mingo and his supportive friends who have been towing him around town to bars. These boys retrofitted a baguette transporter to keep their mate from being home bound - we want to see more of this camaraderie about!

RAZORGATE

JERRY OF THE WEEK

Lord (Nicko) Braxton of TDC, owner of the

Frequent Echo offender, James, asked his Mum to bring out his razor for a spot of manscaping, although he obviously left out the latter information. His mum could not find his’ razor so kindly let him borrow hers, however she was confused when she found that James had little to no facial hair to actually shave. Congrats have to go to James and fellow Echo enthusiast, Jack for a month long streak of being in the magazine for their often disgusting actions.

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SPORT 6 NATIONS Shown at Le Petit Danois (Guinness on Draught, sound on for all matches), Blue Note, The Fall Line (BBQ), Hibou: Saturday 1st February Wales v Italy 15:15 Ireland v Scotland 17:45 Sunday 2nd February France v England 16:00 PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALL Shown at Le Petit Danois: Saturday 1st February Leicester v Chelsea 13:30 Liverpool v Southampton 16:00 Man Utd v Wolves 18:30

Sunday 2nd February Burnley v Arsenal 15:00 Spurs v Man City 17:30 All Football and Rugby shown at The Fall Line.

More sport also shown at Blue Note and Le Hibou.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

DJBIGKEZ WITH MUMPS

ERIC CARTMAN - SOUTHPARK

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WOoF OF THE WEEK Name: Bugsy Breed: Boxer Age: 4 Dietary Requirements: Pure carnivore Relationship status: Definitely single, unclear what he is into Favourite Activity: Loves running and sledging face down in the snow Habitat: Often The Blue Note Fun Fact: Failed show dog as only has one ball