OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE

OUT OF THE BUBBLE

By Ben Pryor

The HS2 train line got the go-ahead after an ‘independent’ review conducted by the former head of the project. £100bn seems a lot to shave 20 minutes off the time it takes to get from London to Birmingham but perhaps I’m thinking about the journey the wrong way round. BoJo has bigger concerns, after a minor cabinet reshuffle ended with Chancellor Sajid Javid resigning. Rishi Sunak gets the dubious honour of moving in next to Boris, with the usual proviso not to send recordings of his domestics to the Guardian.

Bernie Sanders has won the New

Hampshire primary, to go with last week’s Iowa Caucus. Pocahontas and Sleepy Joe’s campaigns have been left on life support with Pete Buttgag the nearest challenger. The Democrats seem as agnostic of the reasons they lost four years ago as the Labour leadership candidates over here refusing to denounce the Jeremy and John McDonnell’s economic suicide pact, you can go ahead and schedule the bewildered metropolitan liberal outrage for the morning of the 4th of November.

The Princess Royal’s son Peter Phillips has separated from his wife Autumn after 12 years. She’s a Canadian citizen but, lest the Sussexes worry she’ll be threatening their franchise, has already committed to staying to raise their daughters. With Princess Beatrice’s wedding lower-key than a Barry White song, if only to keep the father-of-the-bride from hitting on her

mates, the onus is on Charles and William to up their game. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge visited Northern Ireland this week. Kate Middleton was said to be a natural on a visit to a Belfast farm, the tabloids dubbing her ‘Duchess Dolittle’; problem is Meghan already trademarked the name.

The Oscars dealt a surprise as Korean film Parasite swept the board. Natalie Portman wore a gown with names of female directors stitched into it, in protest at the all-male nominees, despite her production company only having ever hired one female director… her. Hollywood being the world leader in hypocrisy aside, she may have a point. Bombshell, a film based on a true story about sexual harassment in the workplace at FOX News, won its only award for ‘Best make-up and hairstyling’; no question whether Harvey is still a voting

Virginia is trying to reverse a centuries-old law which makes fornication illegal there; you always wonder how places get their name. A Massachusetts woman became an unwitting getaway driver on her first date after he robbed a bank and told her to ‘f***ing go’; there’s a decent chance those two statements are unconnected. The world’s first transgender doll, with a penis underneath women’s clothes, has gone on sale in Siberia; presumably where its inventors were shipped upon inventing it.

And finally, a grandmother who went to the supermarket without her glasses on was surprised to discover she’d purchased a bumper packet of condoms instead of Tetley tea bags; got to hope they don’t let flavour flood out. Until next week, I’m off to help rename Virginia.