The Anchor, Volume 128.08: October 29, 2014

RANOHOR! OCTOBER 29, 2014 ♦ SINCE 1887 B.C.

“QUID INFANTES SUMUS”

VOL. 128 NO. 8

DOPE COLLEGE ♦ TULIP TOWN, MICHIGA N

Unidentified objects baffle students Dope announces new onObjects' mysterious appearance baffles teachers and students alike campus napping center Walking Man E ditor o f A ll T hings

ing students sleeping in empty classrooms and meeting rooms that they needed to clean. H a v ­ ing a centrally located place for weary students to go and “sleep it off” will hopefully reduce such awk ward encounters.

D o p e will be designating a sleeping hour in the afternoon at 1 p.m. where students will have the option of taking a nap without skipping class. Presi­ dent Knappkins stated that at first school officials consid­ ered making the afternoon nap mandatory, an approach D o p e ’s main rival C o w p e n College is implementing. After further consideration it was decided that D o p e students are capable of making their o w n decisions.

Students s ee m enthused about the coming napping spot.

“I personally think it’s so to­ tally rad that I w o n ’t have to go all the w a y back to m y apart­ m e n t to take a snooze man,” said R o b Brony (T7).

This positive reaction was echoed by freshmen Brittany Blessed (T8).

“M y cluster-mates and I are so excited about the idea, it will be just like preschool w h e n w e got to take a nap during the day. That was awesome! D o p e is already the best and this will m a k e it even better,” she said.

Like all D o p e ’s building plans, the n e w student center will for sure be open within the next 50 years. It is unclear, however, if the n e w building will be completed in time for any of the current students to use. In any case, w e can only hope for Dope.

In a surprise announcement, D o p e College’s president, John Knappkins, showed plans for a massive napping area in Dope's future student center.

The space will take up the whole second floor of the n e w building and will be filled with cots and blankets and smart­ phone docks for the student’s to charge their depleted iPhones while they sleep. Special insu­ lated glass will be installed that will ensure the screams of even the most enthusiastic freshmen reunited with her best friend after a day of classes will be u n ­ able to disturb the quiet. Even the dreaded sounds of trains will be significantly muffled.

“W e got the idea after seeing a n c ' t- i m r - v a b j ii ii P hoto by M usical N otes so m a n y students sleeping in A C L O S E U P E X A M I N A T I O N — Dr. SantaLucia examines “the metal thing,” which sponta­ the Spine Grove on sunny after­ neously appeared on campus Saturday. noons; s o m e were pretending Musical Notes to actually be doing h o m e w o r k Extraplanetary C o r r e s p o n d e n t but most were just asleep,” said President Knappkins.

D o p e College students were “So m a n y D o p e students shocked this past Saturday to pull all-nighters, for various find that a very strange, some reasons, that w e wanted to pro­ p m * might say alien, object has vide t he m with a safe place to * suddenly appeared on campus. sleep it off,” he said.

The source of the disruption President Knappkins noted that he was influenced by his is a mysterious metal structure residing on the east side of o w n southern upbringing in conceiving the idea, “D o w n Dimness Chapel. O n e piece south taking naps was,.well, stands as a support, while just part of daily life.” the other defies description; Although not officially ac­ most eyewitnesses differ in knowledged by the administra­ their account, but c o m m o n tion, rumors report that the nap comparisons peg it as a lightning area was d e m a n d e d by D o p e bolt or a flattened corkscrew. custodial staff m e m b e r s w h o D o p e student Kyle Van der were tired of constantly find­ V a n der was the first to discover the object, which locals have c o m e to refer to as “the metal thing.”

“I was just riding m y longboard around c am pus the other day, and there it was. I crashed into it, kinda like this," P hoto by E ditor of A ll T hings he notes, smashing his hands M O R E M E S S A G E S ?

— Pictures of the other two objects together forcefully. that are suspected to be extra-terrestrial i n origin.

Threats like this to the well­ being of the students of D o p e A m o n g them are the region’s all standing so close to it.” eminent scientists, called here In the midst of these m or e l)ave prompted President formal investigations, rumors of Knappkins to declare a state to study the metal thing.

Dr. Daniel SantaLucia, the metal thing’s origins abound. of emergency on the campus. of D o p e ’ s extraterrestrial “It’s the aliens! The yVe been Beginning in the early hours of archaeology department, has trying to communicate to us Sunday morning, students were never seen anything quite like i t . for years!" exclaims Camilla confined to their rooms and told “The metal thing is outputting Cosmo, resident of Tulip T o w n P hoto by E ditor of A ll T hings to remain there until further all sorts of g a m m a radiation,” he and long-time authority on alien N A P TIME— Administrators hope that the new Dope nap notice. studies. Her chief arguments center will prevent students from sleeping In a classroom like Ever since, authorities from comments, "That’s pretty m u c h all corners of West Michigan the most dangerous kind. Quite these poor, tired souls. see O bjects page 2 have surrounded the site. frankly, I’m not sure w h y w e ’re

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FARTS

MIRRORS A N D SMO KE

NARPS

Dope gets wrecked

Gone Squirrel

Marlins Man and Soccer

Cyrus among artists asked to perform at new stage.

President suspected in disappearance of a beloved pet.

Just a whole bunch of non-athletic regular peo­ ple.

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Oct. 29

It’s H u m p Day. A s k everyone w h a t day it is today a n d be as annoying about it as possible.

Thursday Oct. 30 The day before Friday Everyone despises Thursdays with a passion, or at least they should. T he w e e k is so close to being over, yet there is this w ho le day preventing you from doing you. Deal with it.

Friday Oct. 31 Hallow-freaking-ween O n e of the top two holidays is today.

Enjoy it. B e mischievous, a n d a sk for tricks or treats.

In B rief

WOLF HUNT PLANNED Sociology professor Roger M e n t h y is leading a wolf hunt next w e e k in the states Upper Peninsula.

Menthy wants students’ help to ensure all wolves are eradicated from the state due to his intense hatred of the animal. A n y students interested in joining should contact him.

BLACK CATS ON FRIDAY Everyone needs to be warned that there are going to be masses of black cats migrating to D op e College this weekend. They are feral creatures and will cause any of the following symptoms if crossed: 1. Sneezing and other allergic reactions. 2. M e m o r y loss about the evening, especially trying to remember the next morning. 3. Unexplained injury or misfortune. 4. A heightened sense for superstitions. Please be careful this weekend not to cross paths with these felines.

PHANTOMS IN THE ANATOMY LAB O n e of the Ghostbusters, Bill Murray, has been called in to D o p e College in order to investigate what some speculate as “phantoms re­ animating skeletal structures” in the anatomy lab. Murray said, “There’s no one to cross the streams with this time so what could go wrong?” President Knappkins be joining Murray to see the great m a n at work and to m ak e sure not too m a n y autographs are signed.

LEAFS, THE N E W FASHION Fashion designer M a x Steel has announced that a n e w fall collection will be out this Friday for the students of D o p e College at the Dope-Geneva Bookstore.

Steel has been working on this line for years but only n o w has decided to release it. Each item features a real leafembedded into the fabric. Steel ensures that the leaves will be interchangeable as the leaf decays. The line-up includes short and long-sleeved shirts, assorted trench-coats as well as suits and dresses. Prices remain a secret until the launch.

P

erspectives

Hiding Thanksgiving Away ;P C o m m a n d e r of the N o r m a n d y

A s the tumble-weeds went by, I strolled d o w n an empty D o p e College Campus, and I realized what staying at school for break really meant: I was alone. There was no one, none of the hustle and bustle of reg­ ular c a m p u s activates. The cars were gone, no Frisbees flying, nothing, just m e and D o p e ’s campus. It w a s probably one of the eeriest experiences that I've ever had. Having no food from the dining hall available, I vis­ ited multiple restaurants until Thanksgiving D a y w h e n I had lunch with s o m e family. But as another Thanksgiving break ap­ proaches with the possibility of having to stay at school again, is this the real story? Does every­ one really “go h o m e ” for break?

I’m convinced otherwise. I have a feeling I missed out on s o m e ­ thing big and that the newly elected President Knappkins is behind it.

I have a feeling that there was a huge Thanksgiving festi­ val, where the whole school was invited except for me. I believe that there was a giant feast at

the Slippery Science Centre during Thanksgiving break.

It’s the perfect place to have a fiesta. It's so big the entire school could fit in there, and the atrium is an easy place to serve food. The atrium proba­ bly had huge turkeys filled with stuffing and cranberry sauce.

I'm sure tables were set up with everything from m a s h e d pota­ toes to p u m p k i n pie. I even bet that President Knappkins had both of the N F L gam es play­ ing in r o o m 1000 and r o o m 1019 complete with all the food and drinks a fan needs to en­ joy the game. I bet even after the g a m e s finished there were movies playing in the assorted classrooms of the science cen­ tre. I m e a n where could this end? It was under m y nose the whole time. I bet D o p e is pay­ ing off the students to keep it under wraps •(an increase in “scholarships” for sure). All things aside, it w a s a brilliant plan well executed by President Knappkins, all the while keep­ ing m e out of the loop while everyone j u m p e d on the fiesta bandwagon.

All this w a s going on while I

P hoto by E mily K ain

A G H O S T - T O W N — This picture clearly s ho ws the desolation

of Dop e College during the fall months. The plan executed by President Knappkins hid everyone from m y sight. w a s wandering aimlessly look­ ing for something to do. A s another Thanksgiving break approaches, I will be on the lookout for any kind of mass Thanksgiving feast on Dope's

campus. But even n o w as Presi­ dent Knappkins reads this, he ’s already planned a n e w location where I w ou ldn’t think to look.

It’s the perfect plan, the perfect crime.

Strange Objects ♦ Objects, from page 1 are that two other objects that have appeared on D o p e ’s campus under similar circumstances.

"That jellyfish thing outside of the dining hall? Aliens. That ‘statue’ in the Spine Grove?

Aliens too. They want to speak to us, I tell ya.”

W h e n asked what the aliens were trying to say, Ms. C o s m o gave a resolute answer. “The squirrels.

They want us to eradicate the squirrels. There’s a jellyfish, the natural predator of the furry little beasts. There’s a figure holding a weapon, and n o w there's a blessed arrow right by the chapel! It’s obvious!”

The squirrels of D o p e College have since released a statement condemning Ms. C o s m o ’s claims “species bigotry" and have dem ande d a public apology.

They have m a d e no c o m m e n t on a connection with the metal thing. They have also refused to c o m m e n t on their ability to speak.

As the debate over these bizarre events rages on, all classes at D o p e have been cancelled as a result of the mandatory confinement of all dormitory residents. The state of emergency, which has not been lifted or revised since Sunday, has resulted in a swath of disturbing messages posted on Twitter. Tweets like “Haven’t been able to pee in a toilet for 3 days #metalthing #constipated" and “Epic Call of Duty sesh with the bros #metalthing #nevergonnaleave” have become especially prevalent.

W h e n asked about w h y students have not been provided with basic hygienic necessities, President Knappkins declined to comment.

TEAM UP ■ R KIDS!I UP IN THE M O N T H OF OCTOBER, % OF D O N A T I O N S G O TO & GIRLS CLUBS OF AMERICA.

Dope to open sister c a m p u s on Mars Marvin the Martian S pace E x p l o r e r

O u r planet has been the only body in the solar system capable of sustaining organic life. Sci­ entists have scoured the galaxy and beyond in their search of s o m e evidence that organisms do exist on a faraway planet.

With the advent of commercial exploration, N A S A and Space X (the private commercial space c o m p a n y founded by billionaire extraordinaire Elon Musk) have partnered together with D o p e College to begin the preliminary phase of h u m a n colonization on the surface of Mars.

The details of this great en­ deavor are still in the planning stage, but the hope is that a n e w college cam pus (albeit m u c h smaller at less than 25 students) will open on M ar s and begin the settlement process. N A S A believes that terraforming the surface is out of the question for now, but with the help of Space X exploration, it can be­ gin the construction of massive bio-domes that will help create a temporary atmosphere for h u ­ m a n s to work and live in.

Elon M u s k has been given control of the project and has told reporters that the pieces for the Martian do m e s will be flown

P hoto by M ars D aily

R E A D Y TO B L A S T OFF- Dop e College begins the planning stage of sending a lucky group of

students to spend an entire year on Mars. On top of their regular studies, students will climb the tallest mountain in the galaxy and traverse the harsh martian landscape in search of life. to the red planet, via rockets, in several sections. The goal of the project is to build the plexi­ glass d o m e s one piece at a time.

The bio-domes will eventually contain a self-sustaining a tm o­ sphere with free flowing water and a lush vegetative landscape for those wishing to replicate

s o m e of the comforts at home.

T w o of the d o m e s will consist of laboratories for N A S A person­ nel to conduct experimentation, and the last d o m e will be used exclusively for D o p e College Martian C a m p u s students and their professors.

The idea behind the college

campus c am e about through a governmental contest that was searching for small, liberal arts colleges willing to invest time and effort into creating an offworld campus. D o p e was chosen out of m or e than 800 nominees , and n o w the second phase of the r a n d o m prize selection can

begin where a lucky 25 students and their professors will receive the opportunity of a lifetime to spend one year in space.

Students will be required to take their standard courses as well as earn additional credit on martian space walks and studies involving the search for ancient bacterial life forms on the plan­ ets rocky exterior. O f course, once selected, D o p e students and their professors can be ex­ pected to prepare to engage in an extensive 6 mo n t h training program to learn the ins and outs of what it means to be a professional astronaut while at­ tending D o p e College Martian Campus.

For those students brave enough to take this great leap, it will be important to r e m e m ­ ber that a cautionary tale still awaits them once they arrive on Mars. N o one knows if the project will succeed and h o w the 9-month journey to the red planet will turn out. In the his­ tory of mankind no h u m a n has ventured beyond the m o o n ’s gravitational pull for more than a few days. Thus, with the m a n y uncertainties that lie ahead, the stars would seem to be the limit for this epic race toward an ex­ citing future a m o n g the beauti­ ful cosmos.

Students to leave Dope for the first time Curious students are to leave the c o m p o u n d s of the college to see what actually is outside the premises Zang Zukl W a t er B reathing D r a g o n

After decades, two students at D o p e College are about to venture out of the D o p e c o m ­ pounds once again. In the histo­ ry of the college only one other student has done so. Legend has it that he got so caught up with the realities outside of D o p e that he never wanted to c o m e back.

Even though the college ap­ plauds the courage of students w h o want to explore the world, the school has asked to keep the n a m e of these students anony­ mous.

“W e just want them to be safe, you kno w? There are so m a n y dangers out there, and w e don’t want others to h a r m them,’’ said D e a n Frosty, emphasizing the D o p e ’s concern for student’s safety.

“W h o kno ws what will hap­ pen to these kids once the out­ side world kno ws that they're students of Dope? Plus I don’t want to be the one explaining to their parents where their kids are. To be honest, w e just want their expedition to be forgot­ ten. W h y would you want to leave campus? M a k e s no sense," Frosty said.

It was yesterday that students X and Y departed from college premises. There was a large crowd present at the flag pole to see t he m depart. Even though there was a sense of excitement,

the crowd k n e w that this would be the last time they could be seeing X and Y. “Anxious is the word," said X, w h e n asked h o w he felt right before the departure. “I have spent most of m y life around Tulip Town, and the furthest I have been is to the beach. Even w h e n I go to the beach, w e go in a car that has dark windows, so I don’t really get to see the road w e are on. M a y b e it is time I see what exists in the outer world.”

“W e are well prepared,” said Y. “W e have been training for this almost every day. W e m a k e it a point to venture out to 17th street past the sketchy stores on a regular basis so w e get a feel of the world.”

66

Its a dangerous business walking away from 15th. You step onto the streets, and ifyou go beyond Sam­ m y ’s, there is no know­ ing who might sweep you away.

— XroY.

_________ 99 Being part of the newspaper w e were able to see these two brave m e n test their limits and actually take steps away from 17th street. Seeing them on the sidewalk on 17th right in front

P hoto by P ersonal R elations

B U R S T I N G T H E B U B B L E - X and Y are about to venture out of the marvellous bubble that w e see In the picture above. No one k no ws w h o took the picture, but the personal relations department of Dop e have suggested that this Is h o w the founders of Dope picture it to be. of a bizarre store called Ki Kakorita was like watching a scene straight from the movies. To be precise, like watching S a m and Frodo leave the Shire. M a y b e it was the situation that got m e overwhelmed. Perhaps I was hallucinating, but I a m pretty sure they even said a few lines from the film.

“O n e m or e step and it will be the farthest I have been from home,” said Y.

“C o m e on Y,” reassured X. “R e m e m b e r what our resident assistant used to say. It’s a dan­ gerous business walking away from 15th. You step onto the streets, and if you go beyond S a m m y ’s, there is no knowing w h o might sweep you away.”

With that X and Y walked away into the sunset. That was possibly the last time w e will see them. For s o m e reason, anyone w h o gets exposed to reality de­

cides to stick with it.

O n a good note though, I got a chance to get s o m e food from Ki Kakorita while I waited sev­ eral hours for X and Y to gath­ er the courage to leave. Great food, good prices and very nice people, but since it’s on 17th, I would not r e c o m m e n d go­ ing there anytime soon. S o m e things are best left to ones imag­ ination. That is w h y w e should all stick to Flops Dining Hall.

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In F arts

Cyrus to wreck Dope’s new stage

“All’s Smell that Ends Well” D o p e College’s Theater D ep ar tm en t will perform this fragrant a n d flatu­

F a r t s C o -Editor

lent c o m e d y Nov. 1.

Musical Flatulence Dope's newest quintet e n s em bl e will perform in the Kletz on Thursday night with a set entitled “Eggs O ’Stenchial Angst.”

“Beans I’ve K n o w n and Loved T he Fall Farts Colloquium will feature a presentation on f a m o u s fartist’s and their bean of choice.

Gassy Choir Performance T he Gassy Choir will give a performance of the classic masterwork, “Rites of Cheese,” after c o n su mi ng a block of cheese per m e m b e r .

In B rief

GAS FIREINYUMKERK During a lively performance of the D o p e College’s Concert Band, high friction from the percussion mallets lit fire to fumes released by the low brass section. Band m e m b e r s and audience m e m b e r s alike were forced to flee the premises in an odorly manner.

TOOTS NOT SO SWEET The Flute Toot sorority took offense to the showing of movie, “Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang” in the Snicker Bocker Theater last week. The group barricaded themselves inside the bathroom of Yum k e r k until D o p e ’s Student Activity C o m mitty m a d e a formal apology to the organization.

A FRAGRANT SHOWCASE Planning is currently underway for a n e w exhibit, set to hit the halls of D e Gass Fart Gallery in 2016. The gallery will showcase various artistic interpretations of flatulance in all its forms from gassy students and faculty of D o p e College. Performace fart is encouraged, and gas masks will be banned to pre­ serve fartistic integrity.

D o p e College Concert Series and music department have released the concert line up for the fall 2014-2015 school year. To celebrate the completion of the Cracker Jack Center for Musical Arts, President Knappkins has personally invited the esteemed performers Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber to break in the n e w stage.

In an interview with President Knappkins, he said, “Both artists are extraordinary examples of the influence music has on young people. It is truly inspiring to see our youth follow their dreams and share t he m so eloquently with the world.”

D e a n Frosty also said, “I have found a deep connection with the music of both Bieber and Cyrus. They speak to the soul and dance in a w a y that is so human.”

The joint Cyrus and Bieber concert will be the first in the n e w building’s concert hall. A meet-and-greet in the recital hall will follow the performance.

“The hall is designed just for duos like this. The sound will resonate and echo,” said Dr. Pomwonderful from the music

P hoto C ourtesy of w w w .hope .edu

BIEBER A N D C Y R U S B R E A K IN T H E S T A G E — President Knappkins of Dop e College cor­

dially Invites two famous performers to the n e w music building in Fall of 2014. department.

R u m o r has it that a special encore piece will take place outdoors after the p r o g r a m m e d set of music. A phone call by Cyrus was allegedly m a d e to the president’s house regarding the wrecking of Yu m k e r k in fall 2014. The building will be

knocked d o w n to m a k e w a y for D o p e y ’s mascot costume was the n e w student center. also found missing. Whether President Knappkins the two incidents are related is secretary refused to c o m m e n t .unknown. regarding the meaning of the call, To secure tickets for this but the rum or around cam pus is event on Aug. 29, contact Dr. that a live reenactment of Cyrus’ Schweppe of the D o p e Concert famous music video will be in Series or the music department directly. store at the site of Yumkerk.

Computer leaves W TD S , cites creative differences O.o F a r t s C o -Editor

Those involved with W T D S , the D o p e College student-run radio station, currently m o u r n the loss of their beloved c o m ­ puter system, colloquially re­ ferred to as “DAD," after his re­ cent departure from the station.

While D A D ’s n a m e was given to h i m by the creators of his radio automation software— probably as a an acronym for complex ra­ dio jargon that nobody has time to r e m e m b e r — those w h o work and volunteer at the station found him, strangely enough, to live up to his paternal nomencla­ ture.

“W e k n e w something was up w h e n he started replacing tracks on our pre-programmed loop with songs by bands like Foreigner, Def Leppard and Air Supply,” said R a h m Safari,

general manager of the station “W h o else but D A D would listen to garbage like that?”

Safari was the first to notice, but others soon caught on: D A D loves "dad-rock,” a genre typi­ cally associated with the musical tastes of people's fathers.

Tensions between D A D and m e m b e r s of the station reached a breaking point several weeks ago w h e n a student, w h o prefers to remain anonymous, attempt­ ed to play a rap song on her ra­ dio show.

“A s the rap song began to play— the clean version, I p r o m ­ ise— I noticed the computer started to shake, and sparks were flying everywhere,” said the student. “Then he just pulled all his plugs and stormed out, m u t ­ tering something about ‘it’s just talking’ and ‘back in m y day w e had real instruments.’”

M e m b e r s of the station

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S O M E B A N D Y O U R D A D P R O B A B L Y L I K E S - Strangely

enough, the W T D S computer system, called “DAD,” likes t h e m too. Funny h p w stupid puns work out sometimes, isn’t it? haven't seen D A D since, though there have been reports of a lonely computer system s h o w ­ ing up in area bars and drunkenly imploring owners to “turn on s o m e gosh-darn Fleetwood M a c or s o m e Floyd, anything but this teeny-bopper garbage!”

Hessley Bright, host of “Late (But N o t Too Late, I Have Study­ ing To Do) Evening Groove with Hessley,” a fairly unpopular radio program on W T D S , expressed his sorrow at the loss of D A D .

“D A D could be annoying at times, but I think he meant well. H e just wanted to share the music of his era with us,” said Bright. “Wait a minute, though.

They didn’t even have c om put­ ers in the 70s! Never mind. D A D was just plain annoying.”

D A D was unavailable for comment, though his manager informed us that he was “busy

listening to his vinyl copy of Led Zeppelin IV on repeat and mourning the loss of the guitar solo in m o d e r n rock music.”

M a n y associated with W T D S currently speculate as to whe th­ er D A D is transferring to a local classic rock station to better fit his tastes.

“H e was always telling m e he’d transfer someday,” said Bright. “I just figured he couldn’t m o v e because, well, he’s a c o m ­ puter.”

W T D S is currently accept­ ing applications to fill the vacant computer system position.

“W e ’re looking for som eone a little m o r e hip,” said Safari. "You know, som eone w h o doesn’t yell at us if w e can’t n a m e every m e m b e r of the original Roll­ ing Stones lineup. I don’t know, m a y b e som eone w h o likes V a m ­ pire Weekend?"

SPECIAL REPORT: GONE SdUIRREL Is P r e s i d e n t Knappkins guilty, or is he bei ng framed?

We b r i n g y o u t h e l a t e s t on t he i n v e s t i g a t i o n i nto t he d i s a p p e a r a n c e of D o p e C o l l e g e ’s b e l o v e d pet s q u i r r e l , G a m e y Bun:

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P hoto C ourtesy o f D ope PRI

DOPE SQUIRRELS DESPERATE FOR GAMEY'S RETURN- Angry Squirrels convinced of Knappkin s guilt camp out in front ofthe President’s residence, demanding answers.

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D o p e ’s c a m p u s h a s b e e n a b u z z f o r a w e e k n o w . O n the morning of October 22nd, President Knappkins himself reported the disappearance of G a m e y Bun, the first family’s pet squirrel a n d the inspiration behind @ G a m e y T h e G r e a t , the wittiest of all D o p e ’s parody accounts on Twitter.

While c a m p u s safety officers were initially d ra wn to signs of a struggle on the Knappkins patio whe re G a m e y resides during the w a r m e r months, a recent leak within the Knappkins family circle has m a d e highly suspicious evidence within the President’s office a n d vehicle nearly impossible to ignore.

“W e c a n ’t s p e a k to the rumors about evidence of G a m e y ’s blood on the president’s favorite ballpoint pen or traces of her fur in the trunk of his car, nor can w e confirm or deny allegations that he had been seen feeding other squirrels in the Spine Grove while G a m e y w a s unaware. W e simply ask for the people of D o p e to respect the K na pp k in ’s family during this very difficult time a n d to trust that w e will find G am e y , s o m e way, s o m e how,” says C a m p u s Safety officer VanBoney. Meanwhile, c a m p u s opinion has taken a hard turn against Knappkins.

Pet owners a n d lovers across c a m p u s are calling for the President’s impeachment, a n d G a m e y ’s friends and family are c a m p i n g out in the Knappkins lawn d e m a n d i n g answers. U p until a few hours ago, the President’s future s e e m e d dire.

Last night, President Knappkins m a d e hisfirstsatementsince G a m e y disappeared into thin air. H o p p e d up on coffee, he sat d o w n with us at Limejellos to share the following tale: “I k n o w it s e e m s crazy, but Ithink G a m e y is framing me. S h e ’s a goo d pet w h e n y o u ’re bending over backwdrds to please her, but s h e ’s not as great as she s e e m s on Twitter. I hate to say it, but she can be quite vindictive and territorial. O n e night, Mrs. Knappkins accidentally tried to feed her day-old acorns. W e found dozens of Biblical passages about guilt retribution hidden in our Frosted Flakes the next morning. You know, things like Colossians 3:25: “A ny o n e w h o doe s w r o n g will be repaid for their wrongs.” W e ’re still not sure h o w she got her hands on the family Bible, but half our Old Testiment w a s ripped to shreds. A n d I r e m e m b e r First Lady Coltman saying that onc e w h e n she lived here G a m e y caught her petting another squirrel in the Spine Grove. Her m o s t valuable necklace w e n t missing that night, a n d for the next two w e e k s she swore G a m e y ’s feces g le a m e d with pearls.”

Is D o p e ’s beloved G a m e y capable of such vengeful treachery? Could a squirrel really have the forethought to frame a m a n for murder? Will the President’s honest background a n d southern c h a r m convince the people of D o p e to turn on their furry little heroine? All this remains to be seen, so keep your eye on The Ranchor.

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Basic or Unique?

T ak e this short quiz a n d find out if y o u stand out in the c r o w d or if you're just plain basic!

100% real predictions about

1. Y o u o w n a pair of Uggs

[]

2. Y o u o w n a plethora of Patagonia and North Face clothes. [ ] 3. Y o u instagram pictures of the food y o u ’re about to eat. [ ]

your November

4. Y o u tend to talk in abbreviations, even if your friends think it is “sups awk.” [ ]

Girl with Hands on Her Head

6. W h e n wearing leggings, you almost always pair t h e m with a big sweater. [ ]

Certified D op e College Psychic

7. Y o u m a k e frequent trips to Starbucks throughout the week. [ ]

Aries: D u e to the m o v e m e n t of the International Space Station, you will be extra gassy this N o ­ vember. Stay away from beans, broccoli and dairy products.

You’ll thank m e later.

Taurus: Y o u ’re normally a super nice person, but you’re going to be really cranky this month.

M a k e sure to watch lots of c o m ­ edies and eat plenty of choco­ late. The chocolate will also be good for remedying the sadness brought about by the dementors during the winter months.

Gemini: Your usual m o o d swings will be very mild this month. Your m o o d will often be mild, which will result in people constantly asking you “are you alright?” and telling you they’re “here ifyou ever need to talk.”

Cancer: Life will be sunshine and daisies for you this month.

Your miserable peers will con­ stantly be shooting you dirty looks and talking in a loud whis­ per about h o w annoying happy people are. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Leo: Oh, brave Leo. All those scary movies you watched with your friends this Halloween be­ cause you “don’t get scared” and “think scary movies are d u m b ” are going to c o m e back to haunt you. Y o u ’re going to fall asleep quivering with fear every night and may be even poop your pants. Invest in s om e diapers.

Virgo: Your roommates are go­ ing to get extra messy this m o n t h and you're going to absolutely lose it. They deserve it. They al­ ways leave their dirty dishes in the sink and never change the toilet paper roll. O n c e you yell at them all your r o o mmat e prob­ lems will be solved. F r o m here on out you will be the leader of your household. With great power comes great responsibili­ ty. Use that power to fight germs and frighten your roommates into submission.

Libra: You will be the mediator of m a n y major fights this month.

It will be exhausting and you're going to lose a lot of friends.

O n the bright side, you’re go_________ A

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Midnight M o o n Girl with H a n d s A m a n d a Littleton :P Walking M a n

5. Y o u ’d choose leggings over jeans any day of the week, especially if they are Lululemon. [ ]

8. Y o u use the world “literally” in a majority of your sentences. [ ]

ing to be able to add “mediator” to your resume. M a y b e you’ll • get hired after college after all. • [Editor’ s note: ifany Libras have # time please visitour office. W e ’re planning on getting in some re­ ally dumb fights with W T D S be- • cause November isboring.]

•

9. Frozen yogurt is your favorite dessert, because “It’s healthy right?” [ ] 10. Y o u not only keep u p with the Kardashians o n TV, but also o n Twitter. [ ] 11. Your go to selfie face is a duck face, possibly with an added peace sign for an extra touch. [ ] 12. W h e n fall roles around, you instagram at least one picture of nature a week. [ ] 13. A majority of your tweets are c o m p o s e d of inspirational quotes. [ ] 14. Your favorite p H level is 14. [ ]

Scorpio: You will be extra ir­ resistible this month. Use your powers for good, not evil. Be sure not to check out anyone w h o is operating heavy machin­ ery, on a long board or riding a bike as you’ll probably cause them to crash with your hotness.

Sagittarius: Y o u ’re still going to be stuck in the friend zone this month. If you ever stop feeling sorry for yourself ma y b e you’ll realize that you don’t deserve a relationship with som eone just because you’ve been nice to them. Use the time you used to spend feeling sorry for yourself on learning to love yourself be­ cause you’re actually awesome.

15. Y o u love scented candles, especially if they smell like fall or cupcakes. [ ] 16. Y o u o w n a Keurig and a variety of k-cups (at least one of the flavors is pumpkin). [ ] 17. W h e n decorating anything, m a s o n jars are always your go to! [ ] 18. O n e of your favorite movies is the Notebook. [ ] 19. Y o u have a wed ding board on Pintrest and update it frequently. [ ] 20. Y o u d o n ’t think y o u ’re basic. [ ]

Ifyou checked off 0-9 boxes: Y o u are not very unique at all, you are plain old basic. Try to do m or e things on this list to differentiate yourself from others! Possibly buy s o m e m o r e North Face or take a few m o r e fall selfies!

Ifyou checked off 11-19 boxes: Y o u are well on your w a y to making your o w n image, but you still have a little work to do. If you want to be even m o r e unique, try adding m o r e pum pkin spice into you life! D o n ’t forget to tweet about it!

Ifyou checked offall 20 boxes: W o w congratulations, you are probably one of the most unique people around! Be proud of being completely you and standing out a m o n g the crowd! Keep wearing Capricorn: D o n ’t do any hom e- • those Uggs and Patagonia and don't forget to m a k e those daily trips to Starbucks! You do you! work this month. Listen in class • and you will get A s on all o f # your finals. Doing h o m e w o r k will just stress you out. If you get stressed, you will fail all • well. the person w h o chose to assault your classes. If you fail all your • Avoid dressing like beer, wine someone. classes, you’ll get kicked out of # or a cocktail as a drunk driver If you are a survivor of sex­ Dope. If you get kicked out of Consent Man l u^'— m a y mistake you as an alcoholic ual assault, domestic violence, Dope, your family will disown The coolest superhero ever beverage. You don’t want to es­ sexual harassment or stalking, you. If you don’t take m y advice • calate the situation by looking k n o w that you are loved and and your family does disown • M o s t drinking happens at like something they m a y like to there are resources available for you, look on the bright side- you # night so avoid leaving your h o m e drink. D o n ’t even risk dressing you on campus. Strictly Confi­ w o n ’t have to deal with your an­ at night. It is possible for drink­ up like drinks such as apple ci­ dential Resources include: Sara noying relatives this Christmas. # ing to happen in the daytime der or lemonade. A drunk driver Duhr, counselors at Counsel­ • also so avoid going anywhere m a y mistake you for a W o o d ­ ing and Psychological Services, Aquarius: You have a 4/5 • during daylight. If you are go­ chuck Cider or a M i k e ’s Hard chaplains and health clinic staff. chance of dying this month. # ing to stay in your home, m a k e L e m o n a d e and m a y swerve to Private Resources (with a duty Sorry. Never eat dining hall sure to stay in a r o o m away from hit you even for a swig of it. to report) include: faculty, staff, food just in case it’s your last # the road in case a drunk driver coaches, residential life staff, Please be safe out there. meal. Y o u ’ll probably be in a lot • smashes into the front of your cam pus safety and D e a n Frost. of credit card debt at the end of • home. The ideal place to stay is W e do not blame the victims If you are passionate about the month, but odds are you’llbe # in a basement constructed like of drunk drivers, so w h y do so educating others on topics such dead so w h o cares. a bunker so you can avoid any m a n y people often blame vic­ as healthy relationships, sexual possibility of being hit. tims of sexual assault, domestic assault, interpersonal violence, Pisces: Earth to Pisces! Stop • If you do have to go out, then violence, sexual harassment, sexual harassment, or stalking daydreaming and start living! * avoid anywhere that drunk driv­ and stalking? Victim blaming then consider joining Students Your ability to hear the thoughts ers m a y be driving. D o n ’t go reinforces the idea that the vic­ Teaching and Empowering and understand the feelings of out on streets, roads, or boule­ tim could have done something Peers (STEP). Applications are animals will be top-notch this • vards; especially if they are near to prevent the crime' that was available on the Student Devel­ month. M a y b e it’s time to turn • homes, businesses that sell al­ committed against them. Cur­ o pm ent website or email step@ off the Netflix, leave your bed # cohol or bars. R e m e m b e r that rently, 1 in 5 w o m e n and 1 in hope.edu. Applications are due and try to catch a squirrel like most drunk drivers are people 16 m e n are sexually assaulted by Friday, Nov. 14 to step@hope. all of the other cool D o p e kids. you don’t know, so travel in a during college; 100% of those edu or Sara D u h r ’s office in Stu­ D o n ’t worry, you’re already cool. • group of friends that you k n o w sexual assaults were the fault of dent Development.

H o w to avoid being a victim of drunk driving

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2014 Fall Semester Staff The B ubble C o -Editor Pile of P o o The B ubbles C o -Editor B o b Saget Farts C o -Editor Nefertari M e r i t m u t O.o Farts C o -Editor Salsa D a n c e r (-.- ) Smoke and M irrors E ditor b )

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Dope College campus safety reports Real people. Real reports. Real incidents. |Incident #412 (8.1.14 @ 1035 hrs) ADMISSIONS Haworth guest reported vehicle stolen, but later found parked on 8th street where he’d parked it.

Pile of Poo Emoji You k n o w w h o I a m Ever wonder what s o m e of the weird and crazy situations that C a m p u s Safety has to deal with are? These reports are real incidents that have occurred on our very o w n campus.

Clearly, with what C a m p u s Safety has to deal with on a dayto-day basis, w e should really be grateful. They go through a lot to m a k e this c am pus safe and healthy for all students.

Next time you see an officer give them s o m e respect. They’re just doing their jobs.

Incident #613 (10.9.14 @ 0825 hrs,) K O L L E N 140 East 12th Street L A R C E N Y - The Kollen sign was reported stolen.

Incident #312 (6.3.14 @ 2 1 5 8 hrs) S I G M A H O U S E L A R C E N Y - A student called reporting the theft of a letter from the front of Sigma Cottage.

Incident #616 (0.9.14 @ 0800 hrs) DEPREE ART CENTER INTIMIDATION A professor reported being intimidated by a student.

Incident #73 (2.7.14 @ 1842 hrs) PHELPS L A R C E N Y - A Phelps employee witnessed a student leave the cafeteria with a package of bagels.

Incident #307 (6.2.14 @ 1037 hrs) SIB H O U S E SUSPICIOUS SITUATION - Shower found running in vacant cottage.

Incident#271 (5.10.14@ 0208 hrs)K N I C K E R B O C K E R - SUSPICIOUS SITUATION - Suspicious people changing Knickerbocker letters.

Incident #86 (2.12.13 @ 1850 hrs) D E W I T T M I S C E L L A N E O U S - A student called Campus Safety concerned over pagan symbols painted on a snowman.

Incident #235 (4.23.14 @ 1737 hrs) D U R F E E D A M A G E - Students were seen throwing apples, oranges, etc. at the south Durfee stairwell door.

Incident #249 (4.25.14 @ 0900 hrs) DELTA PHI L A R C E N Y -A Greek letter was reported missing from the Delta Phi sorority cottage.

Incident #289 (5.20.14 @ 1635 hrs) L O T 31 - LOST/ F O U N D PRO P E R T Y -Bike found abandoned in tree.

Incident #621 (10.11.14 @ 1045 hrs) L A R C E N Y - A Dope College Campus Safety sandwich board sign was seen taken into an off campus house.

Incident #55 (1.29.13 @ 2313 hrs) S C O T T - A L A R M ACTIVATION - Fire alarm due to body spray.

Incident #119 (3.2.14 @ 1215 hrs) D O W C E N T E R A N I M A L C O M P L A I N T -A dead bat was found in the pool.

Incident #6 (1.4.14 @ 1905 hrs) K O L L E N - A L A R M ACTIVATION - Fire alarm caused by cooking a pizza still inside the cardboard box.

Midnight M o o n is here for you Watching you creepily since forever

Midnight Moon That Thing in the Sky

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Hi, T m the M o o n . N o t the one up in your sky, oh no.

T m the M o o n d o w n on your phone. You know, the one on your f^ncy Emoji keyboard. If where I live, swiP e right four times and you're there.

Other than the basic in­ troductions and various so­ cial situations T m useful in, I just wanted to set the record straight on something real quick. T m not, I never was, and I never will be the face of

T h o m a s the Tank Engine. You FaceTiming your significant think you h u m a n s are the only other probably isn’t situated ones w h o have rumors spread anywhere near the top of your about you, but us m o o n s get it “Stuff I’d Like to D o With M y too. I belong on your pho ne or Life” list. The solution is simple. in the sky, not on the front of a Just toss m e in that text box and train. Plain and simple. let m e soar. Problem. Solved.

Alright, n o w that that’s out T m also great for avoiding of the way, w e can get d o w n to intimacy. D o n ’t worry, we're not the real stuff. I’m sure s o m e of getting risque or anything, just you have already realized this, think of this one as a continua­ but I am, if I do say so myself, tion of the last example. A logi­ the single greatest response cal next step after being turned to any text message ever. Like, d o w n for a FaceTime call is to I dare you to find one that T m send something along the lines rfot a perfect response to. That's of “If you love me, look m e in what I thought, nothing. the eye and tell me.” Next time Here’s an example. Let’s say this happens to you, and trust you’re eating pizza, watching m e it will, d o n ’t fret. I’m just a Netflix, crying at the mirror, few swipes away, ready to m a k e doing what you do and your girl things simultaneously m or e and/or boyfriend texts you ask­ awkward, and m o r e perfect for ing if you can FaceTime. N ow , you than they’ve ever been. if you've been stuffing your Just put yourself in the shoes face with pizza, while Netflix of the person asking the ques­ asks you if you’re still watching tions. They've put their sig­ “D o o m s d a y Preppers,” all day, nificant other in the ultimate

chokehold. If their partner re­ fuses to FaceTime t he m and/or look them in the eye and pro­ fess their love, they’re in the dog house and they k n o w it. But wait, a wild card (me) is thrown and the question-asker doesn’t k n o w whether to d u m p their significant other on the spot or laugh out of the awk ward ab­ surdity of it all and let it slide.

Option two is obviously the better of the two outcomes, but if they choose option one, that’s fine because w h o wants to be with so m e o n e with no sense of h um or? You just can’t beat me.

If you’re still here, congrat­ ulations. You, yes you, get to read the most useful tip I have to share of all. You k n o w h o w Snapchat lets you type over your pictures? Oh, well if you didn’t, n o w you do. Next time you’re ready to send a Snapchat to your friends, give that “T ” in the top right corner a couple

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taps. See that, I just went from a W ax ing Crescent to a L u ­ nar Eclipse in a matter of sec­ onds. I’ve grown accustomed to taking pictures of m y creepy, creepy eyes and putting myself over the darkest of holes that is m y pupil. N o w that’s h o w you freak your friends out on Hal­ loween.

I hope this quick introduc­ tion has opened your eyes to the m a n y services I, Midnight M o o n , can provide for you on a daily basis. Next time you’re in an awkward situation and your fingers are finding their w a y to s o m e of m y competi­ tors ( T m looking at you Girl With Ha n d s on Head), look up to the sky and r em embe r - T m always watching.

Midnight M o o n would love to hear back fr o m you. Scream comments a n d concerns at the skyf r o m your roof

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Marlins M a n plans journey to Tulip Town Bob Saget O h ,B ob S aget!

Throughout the 2014 Major League Baseball season, televi­ sion viewers have consistently seen a unique sight lurking right behind h o m e plate at a variety of baseball venues across the na­ tion. Draped in M i a m i orange, the infamous “Marlins M a n ” has bec ome the focal point of big league baseball and instantly gained national acclaim. Re ­ cently, the Marlins M a n has re­ vealed via Twitter that he will be finding a n e w venue on which to s ho w his unwavering passion: D o p e College Athletics.

With the Major League Base­ ball season coming to a close af­ ter the culmination of the World Series, the Marlins M a n decided to take his talents to Tulip T o w n and provide s o m e support for the Flying D o p e m e n faithful.

There is no doubt that D o p e ’s campus will welcome h i m with open arms. If w e are lucky and s ho w h i m that w e are a worthy Division III athletic institution, he will surely join us for future seasons.

Recently, I had the privilege to sit d o w n with the Marlins Man; something that is nearly impossible to do in the midst of the World Series. H e preferred not to reveal his actual iden­ tity, considering he has gained a combination of love and hate from across the nation.

Question: W h a t is s om e background information about

P hoto by N B C M iami

W H E N Y O U LEAST E X P E C T H I M - The Marlins M a n lurks

In the background of a World Series g a m e last week. R u m o r has it that h e ’s coming to cheer on the D op em en . yourself? H o w did you b e c ome ange wardrobe off of prime time the Marlins M a n ? television. Care to c o m m e n t ?

Answer: Back in 1993, w h e n A: Yeah, well I stuck it too the Marlins bec ame a n e w fran­ ’em. W h e n I buy the seats, I can chise in Major League Baseball, wear what I want. Well, except I purchased season tickets, since m y birthday suit of course. But then I’ve been hooked. Since anyway, they are just ticked that then, I’ve loved everything M a r ­ I’ve got s o m e m a d Marlins pas­ lins related. I’ve got Marlins sion. wallpaper in m y house, a M a r ­ Q: I’ve heard that you’ve got­ lins Cadillac and even a variety ten into s o m e pretty heated of Marlins boxers.

Twitter arguments lately. W h a t Q: W h y do you always wear happened with those?

Marlins orange?

A: Oh, you know, just a bunch A: I’m proud of m y team. Got of fans m a d at m e for being the to stand out! focal point on their televisions Q; D o n ’t you think it’s a little on a nightly basis. They’ve got to obnoxious at times? just relax.

A: Obnoxious? N o w a y man.

Q: So w h e n are the Marlins Just passion. going to m a k e it to the World Q: So I hear that the Royals Series? were pretty m a d at you recently.

A: Next year man! That is our They even offered to give you year. W o w , I sound like a Cubs box seats in order to get your or­ fan.

Q; So I hear that after base­ ball season is over, you’re m a k ­ ing your w a y to Tulip Town, Mich.

A: G O D O P E ! That’s right!

C a n ’t wait to cheer on the Fly­ ing D o p e m e n . W o w , what a cool n a m e for a team. I’ve heard a lot about them.

Q: Well, w e ’re surely glad to have you. Will you be sitting right in the heart of action again?

A: You better believe it! C a n ’t wait to give the players all m y support.

Q: I’m sure that they’ll appre­ ciate it. W h a t will you be wear­ ing to m a k e sure that you stand out?

A: I’ll be switching from m y M i a m i orange to m y n e w fa­ vorite color, D o p e College or­ ange. I’ll be at almost all sport­ ing events and I’ll even wear m y wardrobe to Stein Night.

Q; Looks like you have a plan for success. W h e n will you be arriving in Tulip T o w n ?

A: I’ll m a k e it here by means of m y Marlins yacht about a w ee k after the World Series ends. This will give m e more than enough time to prepare for basketball season in Tulip Town.

G O DOPE, G O DOPE! After one of the most unique interviews in m y journalistic career, it is safe to say that the com m u n i t y of D o p e surely wel­ comes the Marlins M a n with open arms. This should be in­ teresting to see his athletic vigor.

Tulip T o w n doesn’t k n o w what's coming.

US, Canada m a k e switch to football Nefertari Meritmut Q u e en of E gypt

Football, futebol, fuBball, soc­ cer? The world’s g a m e has finally infiltrated the United States and Canada, and so has its name.

Countries all over the world have ridiculed the U S . and C a n ­ ada for calling the sport “soccer,” but their cries will soon be halt­ ed as both prepare to m a k e the switch to “football."

For those w h o are unaware, the w or d “soccer” comes from the official n a m e of the sport association football. Over 200 years ago, the Brits shortened “rugby" to “rugger” and “asso­ ciation" to “soccer." O f course, they quickly went back to rug­ by and football, but these two

North American countries took hold of soccer and never looked back. Until now, that is.

Starting in January, the do ­ mestic league, Major League Soccer, will be changed to Major League Football, or M L R This is not to be mistaken as the N a ­ tional Football League, or NFL. A s can be seen, having two sports with the same n a m e is likely to b ec ome confusing. H o w will w e k n o w which football is the correct one? The Federation Internationale de Football A s ­ sociation, better k n o w n as FIFA, has m a d e the suggestion that w h e n referring to football of the kicking variety, w e pronounce the n a m e in a British accent.

Fans of the beautiful g a m e in

the U S . have started a petition to call American football eggball,’ which is what the sport is c o m m o n l y labeled in European countries.

Those iq favor of this r e n a m ­ ing fathered in the country’s soccer capital, Kansas City, and marched from Sporting Park, the h o m e of M L S team Sporting Kansas City, to the Kansas City Chiefs' Arrowhead Stadium.

They traveled a total of 23 miles, crossing the Kansas/Missouri state line in the process.

The group, later dubbed ‘The Egg Bandits,’ were equipped with a carton of eggs each, which were used to throw at A r ­ rowhead Stadium. Nearly 12,000 eggs covered the side of the sta­ d iu m by the time the Bandits had finished.

P E T A found out about the protest, and formed a protest themselves, calling out all foot­ ball fans as heartless chicken killers, and joined the allegiance to let the soccer n a m e live on.

American football players have been surprisingly apathetic about the issue.

“I honestly just don’t even care,” Robert Gregory of the N e w England Patriots said.

"They're the ones w h o have to go around saying ‘football’all fancy with accents and stuff. There’s no chance w e ’re going to be called 'eggball.' Everyone kno ws

that we're the only football that matters.”

M L S is furious about the mat­ ter, saying that by removing the soccer name, w e will be r e m o v ­ ing the very nature of the sport in our country, conforming to the rest of the world. M a n y of the league’s teams agree, espe­ cially the soon to be inducted Orlando City Soccer Club.

“I refuse to change the n a m e of m y team for s o m e stupid rule,” David Merrigold, the owner of O C S C said. “W e intend to fight for the n a m e of soccer."

A n d fight they will. The United States Soccer Founda­ tion, soon to be n a m e d Football Foundation, will be holding a hearing on Dec. 10 in Juneau, Alaska, addressing the m a n y concerns posed by the teams.

“It’s an outrage, what they’re planning to do,” Merrigold said.

"They're moving their head­ quarters to Alaska to m a k e it substantially harder for M L S teams to m a k e it to the hear­ ing. That is, except for the three Canadian teams. But they still have the queen on their money, so they’re probably in favor of changing to football.”

The hearing will be broad­ cast worldwide and will be able to be viewed on various illegal streaming websites. This is sure to be one heated discussion that w e w o n ’t want to miss.

T his W

eek

In N arps

Friday Nov. 5 Beginner Rope Pulling vs. Kool at 4 p.m.

Saturday Nov. 12 Super Senior Cricket vs. Jupiter at 1 p.m.

W o m e n ’s Unicycling vs. Tulip T o w n at 6 p.m.

Tuesday Coed Pickle ball

Nov. 15

vs. W as te rn at 7 p.m.

M

ore

Ju n k

RUSTY KUNTZ AWARDED Last Thursday, Major League Baseball awarded the Kansas City Royals’ first base coach, Rusty Kuntz, one of the most prestigious honors given every year: “Best Hair in Baseball.”

This is the 13th time that Kuntz has taken h o m e the honor.

Kuntz and his consistent salon-like flow has powered the Royals into the postsea­ son for the first time in 29 seasons. Players, coaches and front office staff alike agree that Kuntz’ messless m o p is the rea­ son for their winning season.

“It’s absolutely beautiful,” Royals legend George Brett said, “That head of hair has had m a n y memorable Vegas nights and n o w isthe catalyst for the offense.”

Kuntz now has sur­ passed Benny The Jet Rodri­ guez for the most awards of this kind on the all-time list.

Another m e m b e r of the Royals organization also w o n an award for the 2014 season.

Man ager N e d Yost brought h o m e the hardware for “Best Grandpa N a m e ” in baseball.

W O M E N ’S UNICYCLING NATIONALLY RANKED Over the weekend, the w o m ­ en’s unicycling team traveled to Fargo, Minn, and defeated the Ferrets of Fargo C o m m u n i t y College to remain undefeated and gain a national ranking. Star cyclist Jamie VanSchnitzendorpher (T5) led D o p e College with a 6-mile time of 8 minutes, 34 seconds. VanSchnitzendorpher is used to stepping up in big situ­ ations. She has competed on the w o m e n ’s national team for the past 18 seasons, a spot that she has held since the age of four.

MIAA NARPS OFTHfi WEEK Crossfit Devarius Triceratops (’16) B a d form lifter

NON-ATHLETIC REGULAR PEOPLE While they seem to be just about everywhere, D o p e College is m o r e than welcoming of this specific breed of people. They are the ones w h o wear jeans to Health D y or run with boots on. You k n o w w h o they are.

They're easy to spot. It’s okay though, their style and swag are starting to b e c o m e heavily ac­ cepted in the D o p e community.