Dear Mary Jane

Dear Mary Jane,

Seeing as we have just begun a new year, isn't it about time for your annual obligatory rant about new year's resolutions and such? I do so look forward to your lunacy, although I think that I would be frightened to meet you in person.

Happy new year!

Koward Lee Kevin

Dear Kowardly (yes, I see what you did there. Clever.),

So, did your mommy give you permission to use the Internet, or what? For some reason, I have a mental image of you being one of those guys who owns a suit made out of human skin. But I'm sure that you look lovely when wearing it.

Homicidal impulses notwithstanding (yours or mine?), I suppose that I do have a history of New Year's resolution lists. While this may be no exception, as I am far too hungover from holiday revelry to come up with a new topic for January, I can safely say that this list will be most unlike lists that I have published in previous years. Can you guess why?

‘Tis an ill wind that blows no good. Every cloud has a silver lining. I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Regardless of saying, they have stood the test of time because they are mostly true. So! This year's new year's column is going to provide a list of my predictions for the coming year. Note: for every one that I get right, I expect SOMEBODY to send me $10, just because I am so damned cool.

There will be a coronavirus vaccine, and it might

actually work. However, there will also be a segment of our population who fears that said vaccination is actually a tracking chip or a brain control drug or something equally unusual. As such, tinfoil hats might become the second most popular fashion accessory, after face masks.

Nevada will come back stronger than ever before.

Think about it: after a period of enforced isolation and quarantine, where is the party going to be when it is finally over? I am thinking Vegas, baby! It is going to be a long, hot summer, especially after I am cleared to go back to my job of testing stripper poles.

People will actually get to know their neighbors. I grew up on the East Coast. Go figure. The first thing that I noticed when I moved here 25 years ago was that nobody really knew their neighbors; you can literally live here in the same location for years and only have a nodding acquaintance with your neighbors. I expect that to change, and I will tell you why. Do you know why soldiers in combat tend to be so closely knit? It is because they have experienced and survived the same experiences as one another. That is always the basis for an excellent friendship.

Marijuana will make it to the next level. Well, the election back in November demonstrated that a great deal of the population is in favor of federal marijuana legalization. I believe that this is the year that this will actually happen. I'm not thinking in terms of dispensaries in every state. Rather, I am thinking that the federal government is finally going to release marijuana to science and medical labs in order to synthesize new and improved medications. I mean, it would be nice to legally purchase weed anywhere in the country, but I think the real money is in the pharmaceutical field.

So, Kevin my friend, I hope that this list of predictions satisfies you. For the record, you shouldn't be afraid of meeting me in person. You should be terrified, you pathetic little worm! I also provide dominatrix services... hit me up, candy-ass.

Happy Holidays!

Mary Jane

THE PETER JAY SHOW

Once Upon a Time in 2020

As I have mentioned in the past, I am a huge Quentin Tarantino fan. I do not think there is a single movie of his that I have not loved, but a few notables stand out. I especially like the way that he shows no compunctions about rewriting history. In The Inglourious Basterds, he killed Hitler. In Django Unchained, he rewrote the American slave narrative. In Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, he put the Manson family properly in its place. With a flamethrower, no less.

Here is a quick newsflash for you: I am no Quentin Tarantino. I do, however, admire his sense of audacity. Who goes back and kills Hitler? Quentin Tarantino does, that's who! So, with that thought in mind, and Pulp Fiction playing in the background, I am going to give 2020 the rewrite that it deserves.

January: World War 3 almost started, when The Donald used a drone strike to kill a rabid Iranian general. At first, the world got tense but soon realized that the world was actually a much better place without Iranian army general Soleimani. Hasta La Vista, baby!

February: Valentine's day was an enormous failure last year, with many people expecting a marriage proposal only to be disappointed. Incidentally, I would write the same description for any Valentine’s day, regardless of year.

March: Much of the world was introduced to the latest Gourmet export from China. Sales of bat and pangolin meat in butcher shops worldwide goes through the roof.

April: Big cat trainer Joe Exotic gains national prominence by being such an extreme animal hoarder. He was caught and sentenced to prison for animal cruelty, but a 2000 pound rhinoceros attacked him in the jail parking lot and ate him. The rhino was last seen licking its own butt, trying to get the taste out of his mouth. went un-updated, he contributed zero Tik Tok videos, and he even stopped attending the weekly execution of the innocent. As it turns out, he had a part time job at a North Korean grocery store that had no food to sell, making this a time for quiet reflection for him.

June through August: For all intents and purposes, summer 2020 was cancelled due to a lack of interest. Marijuana sales, however, skyrocketed. I am sure that it is just a coincidence. No connection at all.

September: Miley Cyrus saw an alien. Apparently, the alien was actually looking for Hannah Montana, and proclaimed disappointment when he saw Miley’s “Wrecking Ball” video. He also wondered why her pants seemed to always cut her in half, but nobody could really provide a reasonable explanation there.

October: What is less than nothing? I seldom get any trick or treaters for Halloween, but got absolutely no company at all on the 31st. Do you have any idea how much trouble I went to create a “Kathy Griffin holding Donald Trump's decapitated head” costume? I am still pissed off at somebody.

November: Thanksgiving is one of the biggest holidays of the year for family assault and murder. This is not that big a surprise, if you think about it; if you put a bunch of people together in a room filled with turkey and alcohol, somebody is going to get jacked. This year, however, holiday violence was at an all-time low, due to the illegality of people congregating and the difficulty inciting a house-clearing brawl via Zoom.

December: In an unexpected turn, peace on earth and goodwill towards man broke out worldwide and even Santa Claus complemented humanity on its ability to finally get along.