Velma Magazine Issue 05 Sex

Sex Design. Start. Code.

Let’s talk about sex!

If you’re a Gen Xer like me, you now have Salt-N-Pepa’s 1990 hit blasting in your head. “Let’s talk about sex, ba-by! Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk aaaaboout sex. Let’s talk about sex!”

Now that we got that out of the way, what you can expect from this issue is the good and bad of how technology affects our sex lives. For many, social platforms allow people to connect without fear or judgment. Forums and apps help us ask questions too embarrassing for public discussion and meet potential partners for specific fantasies. But there are also downsides of technology when it comes to sex.

Access to porn has never been easier, and the porn industry has changed significantly since the Web 2.0 boom. Since the Internet got started, producers and distributors have been figuring out how to get more porn to the masses. Now we can produce our own porn for private or public distribution. Although for many this freedom of sexual expression is liberating, for others it poses new questions about consent, privacy, and safety—because we’re not the only ones holding the power to watch and produce porn; our children also hold in their hands devices equipped for amatuer porn making.

In this brave new world of sex, how do we protect the vulnerable and maintain openness? This is a much bigger educational challenge than what’s delivered within the pages of Our Bodies, Ourselves. This ain’t your momma’s sex ed class.

My attitude used to be live and let live, but unfortunately after a close friend was raped at knifepoint at the tender age of eighteen I haven’t held the view that the world is a fair place when it comes to how sex can be used as a weapon. It is possible to find ourselves harmed through nonconsensual sex and STDs. With all this access to sexual content and confused perceptions about sex, it’s easy to get lost in an abyss.

This month, Velma explores the world of sex and how it relates to technology. We look at the good and the bad in an effort to pull back the curtain of confusion created by stereotypes and expose the pure joy of sex. Because all of us at Velma are big fans of sex. And clearly sex is here to stay.

Jess Enjoy!

Jessica Lowry Founder, Velma Magazine

Meet the Velma

Staff Jessica Lowry Founder

Jessica Lowry grew up in Toronto, Canada, and is founder of Clave, LLC, the force behind Key to the Street, SheHacksATX, SheDesignsATX, and now, Velma Magazine. Her knack for thinking outside the box and passion for broadening the perspective of others by creating communities that help conquer fear has inspired these creations and powers Jessica’s collaborative aspirations. She has lived on three different continents but settled in Austin two years ago and can often be found unwinding at barre3, walking around Town Lake, or swimming at Barton Springs Pool.

She believes that Velma “will show women (and men) a world devoid of fear and enriched by courage,” believing in the spirit of the magazine because “everyone deserves the chance to live their best lives possible.” @jeslowry

Danielle Selby Design Team Danielle is a recent transplant to Austin and is originally from Abilene. She’s an artist & designer at Pasadya, where she creates illustrations, abstract fine artwork, murals, and logos; she brings these skills to Velma as well and is to credit for the staff sketches featured here. She’s also a photographer, specializing in photos of “loving families, beautiful people, and simplistic scenery.” Danielle is a proud owner of a socially-awkward Boston terrier and an accomplished baker of lemon meringue pies. Danielle finds Velma a refreshing addition to her life and enjoys being surrounded “by bright, supportive individuals who are both generous and courageous to share their skills and experiences with others who are excited to learn.” @DanieSelby

Page 3

Velma Staff

Virginia Honig Design Team Virginia Honig is an aspiring service designer who grew up in South Carolina and spent her summers swimming in the Texas Hill Country. Virginia recently moved back to Austin to set up shop within the greater design community, as she finishes her thesis for the graduate service design program at SCAD. She has a knack for working with her hands and listening to other people. She finds joy in conducting human-centered research, building prototypes out of ideas, and making sure user experiences are full of delight. Virginia has a weakness for fine wine, Spanish olives, and a block of salty cheese. Even though she has to stick to a tight budget as a grad student, she won't deny that she will splurge, and when that happens it tends to be food related. @DesignObserve

Jennifer Aldoretta Design Team Jennifer has one of the best job titles ever, and as CoGroover and CEO of Groove, she makes tools that educate and empower women to take control of their reproductive health and fertility. Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, Jennifer has lived in Austin for a little more than a year and can be found riding her bike all around town, often in search of kale and/or dark chocolate.

Jennifer is featured in the first issue of Velma and believes in the mission of the magazine because, in her own words, “I think it will help inspire the next generation of change-makers.� @JAldoretta

Page 4

Velma Staff

Valle Hansen Editorial Team Valle is a Senior UX Researcher who asks people questions about the Internet and then tries to figure out how to make it a better experience for them. Valle grew up in New Jersey but has called Austin home for over four years. She has a knack for controlling her face, a weakness for pretzels, and a guilty pleasure in watching Tommy Lee Jones. She believes in Velma because, “Women in tech are few. There should be spaces for women in tech (and everywhere) to feel heard / empowered / supported / proud / nervous / scared / frustrated / humble / hilarious / awesome without having to scream too loud or look too hard. Thanks, Velma.” @ValleTown

Kelly Hitchcock Editorial Team Kelly, a technical writer at CSID specializing in APIs and SDKs, hails from Kansas City but has called Austin home for more than three years. She is an accomplished writer currently working on her third fiction novel. When not wordsmithing technical documentation, short stories, and poetry, Kelly heads to the gym to stay sane. Her indulgences include watching mass amounts of football on the weekends and ordering the house wine at Winebelly. Kelly believes in Velma because “the women in tech scene in Austin needs more light and less heat. I know too many local female developers and other tech professionals that it’s silly for them to feel alone.” @KellyHitchcock

Page 5

Velma Staff

Nicholle Shaver Communications Team Nicholle is from Orange County, CA, and has called Austin home for two years. As Event Manager at Capital Factory, Austin’s entrepreneurial center of gravity, Nicholle coordinates the pre-planning and on-site execution of 40+ events a month, including hackathons, meetups, VIP receptions, and, most notably, a visit from the President and White House staff in 2013. Nicholle has a prolific sweet tooth, indulges in all things Star Wars– and Harry Potter–related, and aspires to be able to do a cartwheel someday. For Nicholle, Velma is about “breaking down barriers, providing a community to spark positive conversation, and helping make big things happen. Velma provides a platform for women to voice their opinion, offer resources that might otherwise not be available, pursue an idea, ask for tips or help, and so much more.” @NicholleJ

Page 6

Online Dating Fails: laughter is the best medicine

Amy Cavender Photo by: Danie Selby

About Amy Cavender @amycav Heck-bound advocate for sex education and scientific literacy.

Doyenne of @NerdNiteAustin Speed-Dating. Co-doyenne of @ShowTellShowATX. @CitizenNode, too. Yup. Page 7

Online Dating Fails

Written by: Amy Cavender For many years, I was one of two people involved in a conspiracy to deceive family and friends about what my (now-ex) significant other considered to be a shameful secret. The secret at the core of the conspiracy? The fact we had met through an online dating site—way back in 2001—instead of “just bumping into each other at the coffee shop and hitting it off.”

“It’s become clear that updating one’s understanding of the future takes more than simple exposure to a new idea.”

Nowadays, I don’t think it would be a problem.

Up until fairly recently, online dating was considered to be the province of people who were too socially inept to engage in face-to-face interaction—even if that wasn’t the case. Now most people think of it as just another approach to meeting people, much like the monthly speed-dating event I run at Nerd Nite, or attempts at witty banter at the grocery store.

You can see this shift in attitudes writ large in a 2013 study by the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project¹ that compares people’s experiences and opinions of online dating from 2005 and 2013. Their data shows that use of online dating sites and dating apps is becoming more common, and more commonly accepted, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that online dating’s use and acceptance will continue to grow over time.

Since it’s become a more widely accepted avenue to dating, people have started talking more openly about their experiences with creating their profiles, the types of messages that they tend to get most often, and which types of pictures get the most favorable responses. There’s also been no shortage of discussion about what makes for a good or bad profile in general, which types of pictures make the best impression, and the pros and cons of IMs versus texts. Fittingly, many

Page 10

Page 8

Online Dating Fails

of these conversations about online dating take place online, on blogs, photo streams, and on social networking sites. If you have the time and inclination, joining in the discussion can help you gain insight into what works and what doesn’t, and may give you a valuable sounding board if you run into any difficulties.

positively and negatively. Match has a blog, as well, at http://blog.match.com, which has a mix of statistics, dating advice, and success stories. Tinder’s blog at http://www.tinder.com/blog is worth a look to learn about features, but doesn’t seem to take the same data-mining approach as the other two…yet.

One other way to get some insight into dating behaviors is to look to the dating services themselves for data and commentary. OKCupid has a really interesting blog at http://blog.okcupid.com, and does a great job of looking at their data set and talking about factors that can affect matches

There are a variety of groups online that are built around discussing online dating. One example is a group that I participate in, the cheekily titled OkayStupid (http://www.facebook.com/groups/ OkayStupid/). The group’s name spoofs the dating site OKCupid—although posts relating to

Amy Cavender Photo by: Danie Selby

Page Page11 9

Online Dating Fails

Tinder, PlentyOfFish, and other dating and social networking sites are allowed, as well. Discussions range from warmand-fuzzy success stories, to ludicrous messages from potential dates, to the merits and pitfalls of open relationships.

There are dozens of posts a day from men and women—and many of them have hundreds of comments. Often, the content of the posts is of the “Can you believe this?” variety, where rude, inarticulate, or “copypasta” messages (meaning messages that are obviously copied and pasted to be sent to many people) are screen-captured, lightly edited to protect privacy, and then posted for comment. The commentary is often humor oriented, and has a feminist bent that I appreciate. Sites like Jezebel and the Huffington Post also have #onlinedating-tagged articles, and those can be a goldmine of laughter and lessons to learn.

Online dating fails aren’t always funny, though. Sometimes people can cross the line from smarmy to vulgar, or even threatening, and that can be a bit disappointing and unnerving. When people are thinking about online dating, often they are focused on the idea of finding someone who might be a good match.

They aren’t really prepared to deal with people who aren’t good matches. Women in particular may have to prepare for the possibility of attention from someone who isn’t a good fit—and will need to figure out how to deal with that in a way that works for them. Some women respond with a polite decline.

Other women just ignore messages from people in whom they aren’t interested. Sadly, both strategies can result Page 12

Amy Cavender Photo by: Danie Selby

Online Dating Fails

in abusive messages or other harassing behaviors (take a look at ByeFelipe at http:// instagram.com/byefelipe/ for examples), but using the block function and focusing on finding and corresponding with people you do find intriguing will keep you from getting too caught up in the negativity of these messages.

Just be sure to get a screen-capture before blocking them so you can share them with your friends if you need to vent—or laugh—later!

1. Online Dating & Relationships. (2013, October 20). Retrieved January 23, 2015, from http://www.pewinternet.org/2013/10/21/online-dating-relationships/

More Dating Fails Check out some of these hilarious online dating fails that will make you realize you’re not alone! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/18/online-dating-fails-_n_5175643.html http://time.com/3591925/top-10-ridiculous-dating-moments/ http://lamedate.tumblr.com/ http://www.buzzfeed.com/samjparker/weird-dating-profiles#.fqa8xav0Q

Page 11

fetlife:

Social Networking

Dana Sayre Photo by: Danie Selby

vs.

Online Dating

About Dana Sayre @Femm_Artist www.danasayre.com #artist, #intellectual, #feminist, #crafter, #foodie, #yogi, #gardener, #nerd. @HornLifestyle #writer (#LGBTQ / #queer / #performance) works at @bookwomanaustin

Written by: Dana Sayre When I think about sex and technology, the first thing that comes to mind is dating websites.

New sites are always cropping up, claiming to do the dating dirty work for you, screening out incompatible matches long before that first drink.

As a queer woman in a polyamorous relationship, the most obvious choice for me seemed to be OkCupid (OKC). Not only can I filter out profilers who answer questions in racist, sexist, or homophobic ways; I can hide straight people from seeing my profile (or being seen by me) altogether. Additionally, OKC recently expanded its gender/sexuality options, allowing me to

identify as queer and genderqueer in addition to bisexual and cisgender.

However, despite all the components OKC seems to have in its favor, it’s never been successful for me.

I’ll look through my highest matches for anyone who seems interesting, and try to start a conversation about things we have in common. If I get a response back, I return the message, but it is incredibly rare I get a second message back— if ever. Sometimes, other people initiate the conversation, and I always respond. Usually the back-and-forth lasts a little bit longer this way, but it still ultimately trails off.

Page 13

FetLife

I can count on one hand the number of times messaging on OKC has led to plans for a real-life (usually coffee) meetup. Only once has that meeting not been canceled by the other person last-minute, and despite our four-hour conversation, even that singular meeting never led to another.

Now, I know plenty of people who find regular dates or hookups on OKC, and even people who have met a long-term partner that way. When I queried other women about their luck with OKC in an online forum, it was almost a 50/50 split between those who’ve found long-term partners on the site and those who’ve had about as much luck as I have.

So, your mileage may vary. But at this point I’ve pretty much given up on online dating,

and hope to meet an interesting woman in real life to date.

So if not through dating websites, how has technology been a positive force in my sexuality and sexual life? To answer that question, I immediately turn to FetLife. For those who don’t know, FetLife is a social networking site for fetishists, kinsksters, and those involved in BDSM. I was introduced to this website in graduate school by a friend, and spent my first six months on it joining groups and reading and participating in discussions. Before I got involved with FetLife, I’d never considered that there was a cohesive community of kinky people. I’d just assumed it was a preference people exercised (or not) in the privacy of their bedrooms. FetLife was

Dana Sayre Photo by: Danie Selby

“... OKC is a dating website, and FetLife is a social networking website.”

FetLife

a revelation to me, and my inner nerd had a field day learning about all the possibilities the BDSM scene might hold for me.

Eventually, I worked up the nerve to attend a BDSM play party with the woman I was seeing at the time, who was involved peripherally in the local scene. Reading about and researching the groups on FetLife gave me a much better idea of what my own kinks might be, so that when I negotiated my first scene, I had some ideas of what I did and did not want to try.

Soon, I was attending two play parties a month (as time permitted), and I developed a network of close friends as a result. Play parties gave me a safe, supportive space to explore my kinks, as well as an outlet for discussing gender and sexuality. I even met my current partner at one of those parties, and we got to know each other better by chatting first on FetLife, and then eventually on Facebook.

I grew up in a conservative Christian environment. If not for FetLife, I might not have made the conscious connection that sadism is an important component of what I need from a romantic and sexual partner, or learned how to have those needs met healthily and consensually.

FetLife also helped me in my own journey toward polyamory, by giving me a space to get advice from other people in polyamorous relationships, as well as seeing what sorts of problems and pitfalls appeared to be common. I’ve fallen in love with two polyamorous individuals in a row, and it would’ve been a much more difficult journey toward embracing my own polyamorous tendencies without the resources and community the Internet has provided.

Dana Sayre Photo by: Danie Selby

Page 15

Fetlife

Since moving to Austin, my participation in play parties has somewhat slowed. The BDSM scene in Austin is huge, and can be intimidating as a result. At times, it’s also difficult to find queer-friendly spaces. Even so, most of my current local friends are people I’ve met because of my involvement with FetLife.

I think part of the difference in my experience of these two sex-oriented websites is that OKC is a dating website, and FetLife is a social networking website. It’s cliché to say that you only find a relationship when you’re not looking, but at least for me, that seems to be the case.

Thinking of BDSM as a community of like-minded individuals first and fore-

most allowed me to build a network of friends who could support me in exploring my sexuality and becoming a sex-positive individual. Finding a partner was an added benefit, not the goal.

I’m an introvert, so maybe it’s just harder for me to reach out to people strictly online, or perhaps there’s something off-putting about my OKC profile and I don’t know it. That’s okay, though, because joining FetLife has allowed me to grow so much over the past three years, and to claim my sexuality in a way that was never true for me before.

Technology has opened up so many avenues for members of subcultures to talk, connect, and educate ourselves and one another. I’ll take that over an empty inbox any day.

Page 16

Jill Holloway, creator of the breakout hit Transparent, says of the show: “We’re essentially inventing the female gaze right now—not just myself, but also showrunners like Jenji Kohan. We’re trying to show sex and desire from a female vantage point, and my ultimate hope is that I can inspire women, queer, and trans people everywhere to join in and tell their truths about desire, identity, and sexuality from unconventional perspectives.”

For more on the interview, check out: http://msmagazine.com/blog/2014/11/06/ transparents-jill-soloway-on-inventing-thefemale-gaze/ Image courtesy of Amazon Studios

Your ad here Interested in advertising with Velma? Visit http://velmamagazine.com/advertise/ to learn more.

help support velma!

Did you know that the Velma staff is made up of unpaid volunteers?

We need YOU to help us tell the stories of amazing women in Austin’s tech community. Check out Velma’s GoFundMe Campaign, and consider making a donation to support our cause: http://www.gofundme.com/velmamagapp

Sexism in Tech Is

Everyone’s Problem

About Gina Helfrich, Ph.D. @ginahelfrich

Gina Helfrich Photo by: Danie Selby

Feminist, go-getter, Ph.D. Promoting women in tech and innovation. I love connecting people and bringing ideas to life.

Sexism in Tech

Written by: Gina Helfrich Austin is fortunate to have a fairly large array of women-in-tech groups. If you’re a woman in tech or a woman thinking of getting into tech, you will find a ton of great resources and gatherings by organizations like Women Who Code, Girl Develop It, PyLadies, Austin All-Girl Hack Night, and SheHacks/SheDesigns (and this magazine!).

Gina Helfrich Photo by: Danie Selby

As we all know by now, men are overrepresented in the technology sector in all roles, and particularly in engineering. Lots of work is being done by great organizations and schools to get more girls and women to choose tech as a career path. Just getting women in the door isn’t the end of it, however. More than half of women who enter the tech industry subsequently leave it,¹ often because of the “thousand tiny paper

“It is a common feature of oppressive systems to place the burden of resolving problems on the shoulders of the oppressed.”

Sexism in Tech

cuts” of entrenched sexism and macho culture.

I have become convinced that women alone cannot and should not have to assume the burden of “solving” sexism.

It is a common feature of oppressive systems to place the burden of resolving problems on the shoulders of the oppressed. How can women, who make up less than 30 percent of the tech industry, solve a problem that is primarily perpetrated and perpetuated by the other 70 percent? (I can’t stand Sheryl Sandberg’s advice in Lean In for this reason, because it implicitly assures the reader that if women would only do all the right things, they could succeed despite the obstacles. It is victim-blaming advice.) I am convinced that women need strong and capable allies of all genders if we are ever going to make headway in solving our most intractable social and cultural problems.

Before I joined the tech startup where I now work, I was Director of the Har-

vard College Women’s Center, a unit in the Office of Student Life at Harvard.

For four years, I mentored and taught students of all genders about feminism and women’s and gender issues. In my time there, I was fortunate to work with a number of men and gender-queer students who exemplified everything that it means to be a feminist and an ally to women. While allyship has its share of challenges, I believe effective allyship is both possible and a crucial part of any struggle against oppression. Upon arriving in Austin, I noticed that despite the wealth of resources for women in tech, there was no group that in name and mission explicitly advertised itself as a place for people of all genders to promote feminism and combat sexism in the industry. And so the idea for Feminist Hack ATX was born.

Our definition of feminism follows that of author and social activist bell hooks: “Simply put, feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and

Page 21

Sexism in Tech

oppression” (in Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center). We launched in October during Austin Startup Week. At our first meetup, about thirty people of all genders and diverse identities gathered for coffee, to meet one another and talk about how to tackle the issues women face in technology. I was excited by the energy and enthusiasm I encountered from everyone who attended. Random folks who happened to be at the coffee shop joined our conversations just because they saw the sign and were intrigued. One guy who worked nearby messaged his coworkers, and more and more of them kept arriving to talk with us. It was clear to me that first morning that my effort had struck a chord— we were meeting a need and tapping into a new community of folks who were excited to come together around this issue.

My vision for Feminist Hack ATX is to be a solution-oriented group that provides ac-

tionable resources for the Austin tech community to combat sexism and support the retention and leadership of women in our industry. Feminists, pro-feminists, and allies of all genders are welcome. While other tech groups provide a necessary and valuable women-only space, Feminist Hack ATX will focus on building capable and effective allies and creating mixed-gender spaces where women can comfortably speak, be heard, and fully utilize their talents as leaders and facilitators.

I have big plans in the works for 2015. We’ll be launching a website to centralize resources for the community and maintain information on how to get involved. We’ll be hosting a series of workshops aimed at fostering skills and knowledge that are crucial for advancing gender equity and eliminating unconscious bias. Finally, we’ll be providing opportunities to bring leaders and learners

Gina Helfrich Photo by: Danie Selby

Page 22

Sexism in Tech

together for networking, educational opportunities, and crucial conversations.

While it is certainly a steep uphill climb for the tech industry to balance its gender demographics, I am encouraged by the enthusiasm I’ve encountered from tech professionals of all genders who are eager to take on these challenges. Big tech companies like Google have already launched pro-feminist initiatives to address the overrepresentation of men,

including educating their employees about unconscious bias and sponsoring opportunities to bring more women into tech. You don’t have to work at Google to be part of these efforts, though. Local tech communities like Austin are creating change from the grassroots level. If people of all genders get involved and work together, we can rise to the challenge of creating an industry that is truly representative of the people that technology serves—which is to say, everyone.

1. “Did You Know: Demographics on Technical Women.” National Center for Women & Information Technology. June 30, 2013. http://www.ncwit.org/blog/did-you-know-demographics-technical-women

Watch Emma Watson’s moving UN speech on gender equality: https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=p-iFl4qhBsE To join the He For She campaign for gender equality, go to http://www.heforshe.org/.

Page 23

ASK VELMA: The era of

big

dating

About Kelly Hitchcock @KellyHitchcock Literary lovechild of John Updike & an opinionated ginger hippie (in my own mind).

Nerd, self-proclaimed #APIdoc expert, @velmamag editor.

Kelly Hitchcock Photo by: Danie Selby

Page 24

Big Dating

While the advent of Internet dating has opened a whole new world of possibilities, it’s also made it more difficult to break the wall of anonymity the Internet provides and develop real connections. In my experience as a freelance writer for a full-service online dating concierge service (yes, they exist), I worked with clients to figure out where to start in online dating and helped them get in the game. Here are some of the not-so-secret secrets our clients paid top dollar for.

Choose your site(s) wisely Not all dating sites are created equal.

Before you create your handle, learn a little about each site and its user base.

Looking for long-term companionship?

Tinder’s probably not the place to find it

(though Hollywood’s probably working on that rom-com as we speak). Likewise, if you’re looking for no-strings-attached sex, eHarmony shouldn’t be your first choice.

The good news is that no matter what you’re into—younger women you can lavish attention and money on (Sugardaddie), Jewish guys in your zip code (JDate), or the occult (PaganSpace)—there’s a dating site for that. Really—just check out Dana Sayre’s article on Fetlife.

Know how much you’re willing to spend.

While there are plenty of high-quality free sites out there, you’re more likely to find people serious about finding that special someone on a pay site like Match or eHarmony than you are on OkCupid, although people do find long-term mates this way.

Keep in mind that some sites stay free by mining the crap out of the personal data supplied by its users—that means you. The

Kelly Hitchcock Photo by: Danie Selby

“... you have to put yourself out there, and starting a conversation with ‘Hey’ or ‘You’re hot’ is not putting yourself out there ...”

Page 25

Big Dating

next time you’re bored, go check out the OkCupid blog; the research they churn out on dating statistics is fascinating as hell. There are also free sites that attract the absolute depths of humanity. My advice—avoid PlentyOfFish at all costs.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but the ones in this sea are bottom-feeders.

Write that profile If you’ve ever sat down to write a profile on a dating site, you’ve discovered that it’s really hard to write about yourself.

Two hours and two glasses of wine later, you’ve managed little more than a list of adjectives that everyone else also has on their profile (not that you’ve looked) and talked about how much you love to travel.

Don’t worry; as intimidating as it may seem, there is a better way to approach this daunting task.

Skip the list of adjectives and instead, tell a story that paints a picture of what it’s like to be with you. Resourceful and fun-loving? Talk about that time you were out with the girls and MacGuyvered your way into a car you were locked out of. Loyal and carefree? Talk about the Thanksgiving pickup game of football you

played with your family in your dry-cleanonly outfit. You can’t say you’re funny if you have a profile completely devoid of humor—and when in doubt, always be funny. If you can’t think of a good answer to one of the questions, come up with something ridiculous. It’s impossible for others to read something silly about you and be bored. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. If you’re looking for someone who shares your qualities, say so. If you’re looking for a Benedict Cumberbatch look-alike with a wine cellar and a job in actuarial science, say that, too.

At least you’ll get a few laughs.

Clients were often surprised at how short the profiles we wrote for them were, and with good reason. We never wrote a profile that was more than five paragraphs long, and some were as short as two (particularly if they had few redeeming qualities). A fair share of trolls will never look past your gallery of selfies, and those who do are looking for something they can use to strike up a conversation. Three to four paragraphs should be your goal. First paragraph, hook your reader with a story about you. Second paragraph, demonstrate how that story relates to who you are and elaborate on your qualities (with-

Big Dating

out listing them as adjectives, of course). Third paragraph, talk about the kind of person you’re looking for, and don’t forget to include a call to action such as “If this sounds like you, shoot me a message and we’ll see what happens.”

Sit back and wait for the messages to roll in Yes, on some sites, it is that easy, particularly if you are a very attractive woman who also happens to be psycho—if you haven’t read about the AaronCarterFan experiment, you should.

For everyone else, you have to put yourself out there, and starting a conversation with “Hey” or “You’re hot” is not putting yourself out there—although you do get props for using the correct form of your/you’re. Fun experiment: The first time someone hits you with a “your pretty,” respond with “my pretty what?” and watch the wheels turn.

Kelly Hitchcock Photos by: Danie Selby

The best way to start a conversation is to get the other person to talk more about themselves; after all, you’re both here to get to know other people. Ask the person a question, particularly one that engages the imagination—so not “What are you up to?” Pro tip: This means you have to actually read his or her profile, and show you took the time to read it. This simple effort goes a long way. If the person’s profile mentions liking travel (as more than half of all dating profiles do), ask what trip he or she would take tomorrow if money and paid time off were no object. Once you get a conversation going and want to get to know the person better, stop. It’s time to take it offline. Yes, this means you have to suggest meeting face-toface. After that, you’re on your own.

Online dating doesn’t have to be scary or a chore. Pick your sites, be authentic, and put yourself out there. Good luck in the big dating game!

Page 27

Photo courtesy of BedPost Confessions Photo by: Alice Rabbit

bedpost confessions Check out the BedPost Confessions podcast to hear “smart, sexy stories and audience confessions� about sex, sexuality, gender, and relationships. http://bedpostconfessions.com/bedpost-podcast/ Follow them on Facebook, see them live every third Thursday at the North Door, or even contribute your own smart, sexy story.

Page 29

Can Technology Protect You from Rape?

About Jessica Lowry @jeslowry Founder & CEO of Clave, LLC Jess has worked in software for over ten years and specializes in UX design and research. Her passion for service design and civic tech led her to start her own company in 2012.

Can Tech Protect?

Written by: Jessica Lowry I’ve never been raped. You could say that I’m one of the lucky ones, because one in five women in America is raped at some point in her life.

When I was sixteen, a close family friend was raped at knifepoint. It occurred between two and three a.m. She was high on acid and decided to leave a party and walk home. Halfway between the party and her destination, she was jumped by a man from behind and dragged into an abandoned building. Afterward the man disappeared and she continued home.

We rarely hear or talk about the aftermath of violent acts. The rape is but a moment. However, for the survivors and their closest friends and family, the rape itself is only the beginning. Rape is not a single violent act. It is a particular kind of violence that changes many lives.

The long-term effects are psychological. My friend went from a high-achieving student to someone who lost her purpose in life. As she unraveled, everyone close to her experienced their own loss. It’s impossible to see the world and yourself the same after rape.

Once you know this particular brand of violence, it’s impossible to un-know it.

Most of the features are commonsense tools for proactive users. The app requires the user to know in advance that she might be in potential danger. Maybe some people are gifted with foresight, but I’d wager most aren’t so lucky. Also, the app has to be open in order for the user to access any of the features. This means it’s actually faster to call 911 or a preprogrammed number directly on your cell phone than to use OnWatch.

Returning to my friend’s experience, this app would have helped her after the fact, but it wouldn’t have been available before or during the rape. Therefore, I’m giving the OnWatch app a fail.

Because of my friend’s experience, I was intrigued to discover that several technologists are looking into ways to prevent rape.

The following are a few of the products I’ve discovered:

OnWatch | Android, iOS; free It’s free to download the OnWatch app, but after a thirty-day trial there’s a 99¢ monthly fee or $9.99 annual charge. On a moral level I have a hard time accepting that a potential victim should be paying for such a service. It should always be free to call 911.

Image courtesy of Safety Alert Apps, Inc.

Page 30

Can Tech Protect?

bSafe | Android, iOS; free All of the features provided by bSafe are free. This service focuses on GPS tracking and time to send automatic alerts to your friends and family. I’m a fan of this tactic because it recognizes that if the user has been hurt or attacked, there’s little opportunity for her to take action until the attacker leaves. And since we’re talking about violence, being knocked unconscious is a practical concern.

Users have different options for alerting friends. One feature allows the user to share her location, destination, and route so her friends can check on a map that she is still on her way and has not been detained. Once the user arrives to the specified location, an automated alert is sent to her friends that she has arrived safely.

Another feature is similar but works with a timer.

Let’s say a user is going for a walk or participating in an activity that normally takes her a specific amount of time. bSafe allows the user to share his or her timer with friends along with the GPS information. If the user doesn’t update the timer and doesn’t return safely within the allotted time, friends are alerted automatically.

This app wouldn’t have protected my friend from her attacker, but it would have alerted her friends that she was no longer en route and had been detained for a significant amount of time. If her friends felt she needed help, they would have had her specific location to share with police. bSafe gets a pass from me.

Circle of 6 App | Android, iOS; free Circle of 6 picks up on the same concepts as the OnWatch app, but provides a better service through a dedicated circle of friends. It also works harder to educate users with proactive safety information.

However, the claim that this app prevents rape seems difficult to swallow. To me, Circle of 6 can’t prevent rape, but it does foster consciousness raising among its users. Being more aware of your friends’ location and well-being is a throwback to neighborhood watch and a great example of how technology can enhance well-established behaviors.

Circle of 6 does require users to send manual updates or alerts to friends. The notion of prevention through a community of six users is intriguing. I wonder why not twelve or twenty friends? In our modern times of information overload, I can’t help but wonder whether a message might get lost in the white noise. bSafe allows users to share automated alerts with any number of friends, and in this way I’d say it’s likely more successful in calling on friends for help.

I think some of the big obstacles in rape prevention are education, empathy, and connectedness. In this way, the Circle of 6 app sets itself apart from similar services. As a lifestyle app, Circle of 6 presents a lot of great features for a cultural shift toward and an openness in discussing rape. The services provided by Circle of 6 would have helped my friend after her rape.

It is a great tool to carry around and feel less alone.

Image courtesy of Bipper, Inc.

Page 31

Can Tech Protect?

The safety comes from the accessibility of helpful resources. Opening a dialogue is greatly important for all users to feel less isolated. Free access to information and discussion forums are really helpful in coping with rape-related issues for victims and their loved ones. Circle of 6 gets a pass from me.

Help alert clothing and accessories I’m rarely intrigued by wearable technology. How many pedometers do we need? And Google Glass seems ideal for amateur, cyborg porn and not much else. But in the case of rape or any type of violence, there is a lot of potential in smart clothing. In India, rape occurs every twenty-two minutes, and a few clever women have come up with a way to help protect against attacks.

Embedding a button into clothing or fashion accessories negates the need to make a phone call or text for help. Users hit a small button to raise an alarm alerting friends and family members on their mobiles and landlines. Plus, the tool can be connected to the local police lines. The alert provides a distress message with the user’s exact location. And if a camera were able to be built in, then the user wouldn’t need to describe the situation because a live feed could be streamed.

Krisstina WiseImage courtesy of Tech 4 Good Photo by: Danie Selby

Do we need a modern chastity belt? https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/ar-wear-confidence-protection-that-can-be-worn This modern-day chastity belt is yet another product of a society that blames victims rather than rapists.

Read more here: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2013/nov/11/problem-anti-rape-underwear-chastity-belt http://feministing.com/2013/11/04/twelve-questions-about-ar-wares-anti-rape-underwear/ http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/anti-rape-wear-save-women-article-1.1515379 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ellen-snortland/got-medieval-weve-got-a-b_b_4306007.html

Can Tech Protect?

This kind of technology would have helped my friend significantly because she had no idea she was in danger. Her attacker came from behind and was a complete surprise. If she’d had a button on a watch or within reach, she could have notified the police and potentially been saved before her rapist completed the act. And unlike pepper spray or a weapon, a silent alarm wouldn’t potentially escalate the violent nature of the attack.

So far all of these devices are prototypes and not available to consumers. If I were a VC or Angel investor, I’d put my money on these types of devices. They’re needed by women and men all over the world.

Seems like a no-brainer and is far more likely to revolutionize the world than yet another exercise tracker or watch that sends you email.

Image courtesy of AR Wear

Do you know of an app or technology that could protect someone against rape? Please post about it on Velma’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/VelmaMag Image courtesy of Rape-aXe

Image courtesy of Swiss+Tech

Body literacy is sexy.

Sex isn’t just about getting physical—learning about how your body works can improve your self-confidence both in the bedroom and outside it!

Whether you’re interested in improving your body literacy, getting pregnant, accurately predicting upcoming periods, or avoiding pregnancy naturally, Groove can help.

Learn more at www.readytogroove.com.

Batteries Not Included: Tech and the Future of Sex Toys Michele Schalin Photo by: Danie Selby

Michele Schalin @LittleShopOfOs Little Shop Of O’s offers a platform for you to participate in engaging and open discussion about sexuality in your lives and our culture.

Written by: Michele Schalin Some people fear the future; others embrace change. For fans of sex, sex toys, and sex products, there is nothing but LOVE ahead!

Have you noticed the big changes happening all around us? We can now buy sex toys at drugstore chains. Since the Fifty Shades phenomenon, you see erotic novels on the shelves at Walmart next to the young adult novels. Local fitness clubs now offer pole-dancing classes for women. Sexuality is so mainstream that it’s all sex, all the time, wherever you look. So much so, in fact, that it has already subtly changed the way everyone views

sex. Many taboos of the past barely get a blink these days!

“Sex 4.0” is a new term coined by Kinkly, a leading online sex-positive website, to describe the modern sexual revolution that we are now experiencing. Just like previous sexual revolutions in the twenties and sixties, Sex 4.0 pushes the limits of what sexual practices are socially acceptable for the mainstream. This new revolution is expanding the accepted boundaries even more. It is not only about embracing your sexuality and exploring your sexual desires; it fosters a deeper level of acceptance for sexual behaviors that were formerly considered more taboo. Interest in bisexual experiences, the use of sex toys with your partner, male sex toys, fetish play,

Page 36

Batteries Not Included

and BDSM—all these and more are now becoming the norm. Even sexual preferences for swinging, swapping, group experiences, and polyamory, which were formerly considered fringe behaviors, are far less stigmatizing for their participants (check out Dana Sayre’s article about FetLife).

With these changing attitudes, technology has engaged in sex as never before, taking us to a new level as well. You can now have sex, or at least foreplay, no matter where you are—in the same room, across town, or around the world, no problem.

The electronic tools at our disposal help us to be more creative in our foreplay and during sex; sexting, video chat, high-end sex toys used as alarm clocks, the ability to remotely stimulate a partner, even to orgasm!

And all recharged by a simple USB cord. It’s a whole new sexual world.

Couples’ toys like remote vibrators and other vibrating toys that can be used during sex are leading sellers— telling us that more people than ever are breaking out of old norms and experiencing new ways to have sex and keep their relationships fresh and exciting!

Michele Schalin Photo by: Danie Selby

Batteries Not Included

Now there are even a great many new apps for your laptop, iPhone, and Android designed to heighten the sexual experience through technology. Now, that’s sex on the go, anytime, anywhere!

There are a lot of creative apps to choose from, but these are two of our favorites at Little Shop of O’s:

“ The electronic tools at

our disposal

help us to be

more

creative Image courtesy of Franklin Innovations

Kindu $1.99 for iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, or Android Developer: Franklin Innovations Just skimming the more than 600 questions on Kindu will get you hot. The app even comes with a disclaimer from the developer: “This app is not for the faint of heart.” Even though some of the questions are a bit over-the-top for the average married couple, there’s nothing wrong with expanding your imagination and exploration. Kindu provides examples of turn-ons, fantasy role play, and sexy activities. Using passcodes, each person privately answers “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” to each scenario, and then Kindu later reveals only the scenarios where both people matched.

in our foreplay

and during

sex

“

Batteries Not Included

Images courtesy of the Gottman Institute, Inc.

Love Maps $1.99 for iPhone or iPad Developer: The Gottman Institute Want to know what your partner really thinks? Start by asking a handful of the questions provided on this app. From the serious “What makes your partner feel most competent?” to the kinky “What turns your partner on sexually?” the LoveMap app encourages couples to quiz each other.

The future of sex is even brighter than the present!

Future technical inventions and innovations have a LOT more in store for us. Just a few of the many items now on the drawing board for the near future are: The KIIRO involves a mated pair of sex toys designed to please both a man and woman… remotely. Women will use the touch-sensitive vibrator, which measures the “depth and speed of penetration,” then sends the data to the male toy where they’ll supposedly “feel” the same arousal. And for the guys struggling to find a digital booty call, they can sync the device with their porn catalog.

With the large percentage of iPad users who log in to Safari to watch porn, it seems inevitable that someone would actually come up with this: The LaunchPAD straps a fleshlight onto Apple’s slate to provide first-person satisfaction while checking out erotic clips online or engaging in sex-cam action with others. The Internet just got a whole lot more personal!

Page 39

Want to play with all this sex tech but need a partner to try it out?

Find Meetups for Singles in Austin on pg 46.

Then there’s the world’s first “guybrator.” Yes, you read that right. The male static simulator uses oscillations to get you off: hands-free. It’s also been said the PULSE was built to help those who suffer from erectile dysfunction. A win for all!

There are dozens of ideas actually in development or on the drawing

board for the very near future. They are even working on not only virtual reality goggles and helmets, but entire suits that can be worn to experience remote sexual experiences as if you were there. Long-distance relationships don’t have to be physically frustrating anymore, no matter how far apart you are.

Page 40

Batteries Not Included

Michele Schalin Photo by: Danie Selby

The distant future has plans to be able to hard-wire jacks directly into the pleasure centers of the brain, thus directly stimulating the largest sex organ of them all! Want to have sex with the most famous sex symbols down through history, or your favorite movie or porn star?

The folks working on this far-future technology are counting on it.

Technology rocks! The new sexual revolution is alive and well. It’s as

close as your smartphone, tablet, TV, and local drugstore. It reverberates through every area of your life.

More sex and sex toys are available more easily than ever before. The current toys are awesome as is. The near-future toys are taking advantage of technology like never before to overcome distance and even lack of a partner. The further future is mind-blowing! It’s a great time to be alive, healthy, and horny!

Page 41

Velma’s Back Pages Velma features stories about women in Austin working within the tech/startup industry. Velma embodies smart, talented women who aren’t afraid of saying the wrong thing, and our readers are too busy getting things done to notice they’re breaking through barriers.

Since our readers are so busy, Velma provides resources for the following activities:

connect discover eat & drink spend

Resources - Connect

Austin LGBTQ Singles Speed Dating Looking for love in all the wrong places? Tired of Internet dating sites? Want to meet quality locals who are seriously considering a relationship? Your search has ended. Through a series of speed-dating events throughout the year, you will have the opportunity to meet others like yourself who want to make a meaningful connection. There are no dues or fees for membership in our Meetup group.

Sign up now and stay tuned for an event that is tailored to you. http://www.meetup.com/Austin-LGBTQ-Singles-Speed-Dating

Austin Singles Speed Dating If you’re looking to find a relationship, speed-dating events are a great way to fast-track the process of elimination. It’s like going on one to two years’ worth of first dates in one night! Meet one-on-one with a bunch of other singles to see who you click with and want to see again for second date.

Events are held for singles in their 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. http://www.meetup.com/AUSTIN-SINGLES-SPEED-DATING

Delicious Dating Here’s a group dedicated to singles that will help you learn the ins and outs of communication both verbal and nonverbal all while eating, drinking, and having fun! All activities will be dedicated to dating, learning, and having a great time. Each event will hold valuable communication tips for daters and practice events delivered by Master Dater, The Red Sweater Lady, internationally known communication specialist and all-around great hostess! Learn how to be delicious, you can, and who knows—you might just meet your match!

THIS GROUP IS FOR ALL AGES! http://www.meetup.com/Delicious-Dating

Authentic Speed Dating Have you ever gotten stuck in “small talk” that was the “same old, same old” conversation? Are you tired of polite, boring chitchat conversations that don’t light a spark? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, then you’re going to love Authentic Speed Dating. It’s a unique kind of social event where the focus is on playing games that create interesting conversations and profound connections with some warm and amazing people. You will learn tools that can be used in your everyday life—including your dates—to create deep and lasting connections with others. http://www.meetup.com/Authentic-Speed-Dating Page 45

Resources - Connect

Austin Lesbian Dating—Singles Only Single lady seeks single lady. This group is gimmick-free and to the point. If you’re a lesbian looking for a date in Austin, this is the group for you. http://www.meetup.com/Austin-Lesbian-Dating-Singles

Interracial Singles This group is for those who are attracted others outside of their “race”—or for those who know that the only “race” is human and that skin color shouldn’t determine romantic interests. http://www.meetup.com/InterracialRomance

The Austin Transgendered Meetup This group meets every second Saturday of the month in the North Central Austin area. You need to become a member in order to find out more details. http://www.meetup.com/The-Austin-Transgendered

Girl Talk: Bisexual Femmes This group is mainly focused on bisexual femme ladies, because we have all sorts of unique issues when it comes to being accepted into the LBGTQ community and dating. Femme lesbians are welcome as long as you respect the bisexual orientation (we do exist; we don’t need to choose one gender to love). http://www.meetup.com/Girl-Talk-Bi-Sexual-Femmes

Page 46

Resources - Discover

Witness: Art and Civil Rights in the Sixties The Blanton Museum of Art at the University of Texas at Austin February 15 – May 10, 2015 Discover an exhibition of approximately 100 works by 66 artists that explores how painting, sculpture, drawing, printmaking, and photography not only responded to the political and social turmoil of the era, but also helped influence its direction. Organized by the Brooklyn Museum in New York, the exhibition highlights the wide-ranging aesthetic approaches used to address the struggle for civil rights. The diverse group of artists in the exhibition includes, among others, Barkley Hendricks, Charles White, Andy Warhol, May Stevens, Philip Guston, Betye Saar, David Hammons, Jack Whitten, Danny Lyon, Romare Bearden and Faith Ringgold. Unique to the Blanton’s presentation is the inclusion of a rarely-seen portrait of President Lyndon Baines Johnson by Norman Rockwell—a special loan from the LBJ Library and Museum.

Blanton Perspectives The Blanton Museum of Art at the University of Texas at Austin Sunday, February 22, 2 p.m.

Artist Jack Whitten and Witness co-curator Kellie Jones discuss the works and themes of the exhibition, with a focus on Whitten’s work and the development of his practice since the 1960s.

Learn more: http://www.blantonmuseum.org/exhibitions/details/witness_art_and_civil_rights_in_the_sixties

Film Screening Eyes on the Prize: The Promised Land (60 minutes) Thursday, February 19, 6:30 p.m.

Eyes on the Prize is a film about the last year of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s life and the turn of the Civil Rights Movement toward addressing economic inequality. A conversation with the film’s director, Paul Stekler, follows the screening.

Page 48

Resources - Eat & Drink

Velma has hand-picked some special Valentine’s Day date ideas for you and that special someone!

Imperia 310 Colorado St. Austin, Texas 78701 Sushi and Pan-Asian Fare or Date Night Dinner for Two at Imperia (47% Off) The executive chef at Imperia emblazons an Asian menu full of fresh seafood and ingredients with a personal flair that has amassed seven Austin Chronicle reader accolades. Inside the stylish urban restaurant, pendant lights illuminate a marble bar winding past Asian decor, and cool slabs of bluefin sashimi stretch out on platters in the arms of attentive servers. Candles flicker across tables, as guests enjoy three-course omakase meals creatively orchestrated and handcrafted by the chef and catapulted directly into awaiting mouths.

Check it out: http://www.groupon.com/deals/imperia-9

house wine 408 Josephine St. Austin, Texas 78704 Cheese, Fruit, and Dessert Tasting for Two, Four, or Six at House Wine (Up to 53% Off) Tired of simply dressing up her rooms, designer Kerry White needed a way to engage clients on a deeper sensory level. Adopting the motto of “wine, art, and song”, she opened House Wine to match her eye for interiors with the refined tastes of vintages and the lilting sound of live, local music. Sporting both an earthtoned dining area and sun-dappled outdoor lounge replete with cushy, white couches, the wine bar leaves plenty of space for guests to explore an extensive wine list, sample cheese plates, and clasp handheld bites of pineapple-cinnamon empanadillas. Bards from across Austin fill the space with tuneful sounds, and local artists bring life to walls with their paintings of abstract landscapes or other, more beautiful walls.

Check it out: http://www.groupon.com/deals/house-wine-1-9

texas winos Pickup locations vary by tour; specific location will be confirmed at reservation.

Full-Day Winery Bus Tour with Meal and Souvenirs for One, Two, or Four from Texas Winos (Up to 60% Off) Luxury chartered buses ferry guests from winery to winery on treks that last six to eight hours. Tours change each weekend, visiting different vineyards throughout the Texas Hill Country and sometimes incorporating fun themes such as wacky wigs or Mardi Gras. Brunch, lunch, or dinner is included in each option. Wine tastings for the day can be purchased before the tour date; the pricing depends on which tour chosen. Learn more at http://www.texaswinos.com/.

Check it out: http://www.groupon.com/deals/texas-winos-4-9

Page 50

Resources - Spend

Money Wise 6 Weeks to Financial Freedom A good life means freedom to enjoy little luxuries, freedom from debt, and the freedom to enjoy retirement.

Do you have the wealth you need to live your good life? In only 6 weeks, I can teach you a proven system for achieving financial freedom. Save big when you use promo code VELMA. Find out more: http://krisstina.com/fallingformoneycourse/

Page 52

Thanks for reading! velmamagazine.com