Verily Magazine | The Connection Issue | Fall 2023 by Verily Magazine

THE CONNECTION ISSUE

I NCLUD I NG:

LATTE MAKEUP LOOKS

THE STORIES OUR CLOTHES TELL VINTAGE CONNECTION WITH THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE

FINDING CONNECTION

5 STEPS TO GETTING INVOLVED IN YOUR COMMUNITY SAVE OR SPLURGE MAKEUP-BAG ESSENTIALS

WITH TH OSE YOU DISAGREE WITH

DEBT PAYOFF HACKS FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD AS A

SURVIVOR OF ASSAULT

CONTENTS

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

VERILY MAGAZINE Verily has returned to its roots—as a print publication! Many of our readers told us they prefer the more intimate magazine format, and we aim to please. Verily quarterly is here. WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

LESS OF WHO YOU SHOULD BE Features relevant to your life. Verily’s No-Photoshop style shoots. Meaningful advice on relationships, careers, education, and family. Home design and beauty tips. Healthy recipes; delicious libations. Curated news and incisive cultural coverage. And much more. You’ll love our exclusive content tailored for the thoughtful woman. Every uplifting issue of Verily Magazine will empower you to be

MORE OF WHO YOU ARE. A subscription to Verily Magazine makes the perfect gift that keeps on giving throughout the year—for both you and your loved ones! Reserve your subscription today, and share the love with others. Don’t wait. Go to verilymag.shop to place your subscription order and join our print community. You won’t want to miss our next issue!

VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

EDITOR’S NOTE

EDITOR’S NOTE “Realize that everything connects to everything else.” — LE O N A R DO DA VINCI

Welcome to the Connection Issue! We decided to explore the theme of connection this autumn, as so many of us need to re-learn its lessons. Whether in response to pandemic lockdowns, a divisive cultural climate, or just stress and anxiety, it’s easy to fall into habits of isolation. We hope this issue reminds you that in many ways, the connections we need are already there—whether with friends, family, our communities, or beyond—we just need to reach out to participate. This fall marks a year since we announced Verily’s 10th Anniversary Issue and return to print. It’s been so great to reconnect with our readers in hand again. To feel more in touch with ourselves and those around us, spending time offline is essential. Seeing people in person is, as well. Personally and professionally, I have found it so fruitful to reconnect with Sophie, our creative director at Verily, who produced this issue’s feature style shoot. The aim was to capture girlfriends engaging their minds and hearts with what inspires them. While in France, Sophie shared with me how her grandmother was a 1950s model, and that wearing her vintage clothes provides for her a meaningful connection to her mother’s mother. There was a story in there that simply needed to be told, and you’ll find it in this issue, as well. We also explore in this issue the challenges of finding connection with those who have radically differing views or life experiences than us; Alexandra Davis discusses the value of having friends with different values, and Margaret Brady discusses the important work of Braver Angels, a group dedicated to restoring human connection and greater understanding across political divides. Few things can make us feel more disconnected than violence. On page 18, we share one woman’s story of surviving assault and how she broke free from the isolation of abuse and found a fresh start. To assist in the fresh start of others facing violence, we are contributing $1 from every Fall issue sold to the antitrafficking group Shared Hope International. Thank you for joining us in this work. We hope this season provides the motivation for whatever fresh start you need as well.

Transatlantic Connection In between meetings, I tagged along to watch Sophie produce this issue’s cover shoot in Paris.

Verily yours,

M A RY R OSE SO MARRI BA E DI TO R IN C H IE F

VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

MASTHEAD

LESS OF WHO YOU SHOULD BE, MORE OF WHO YOU ARE.

FALL 2023 ISSUE EDITOR IN CHIEF

Mary Rose Somarriba ART DIRECTOR

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Haruka Sakaguchi

Sophie Caldecott

PROJECT MANAGER

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Tiffany Reed

Carolyn Ferguson

ASSOCIATE EDITORS

WEB MANAGING EDITOR

Margaret Brady

Kellie B. Moore

Elizabeth Flood Lindsay Schlegel

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT

Hannah Ward

COFOUNDERS

Kara Bach Janet Sahm Easter CONTACT

ohhello@verilymag.com

Cover photographed by Pauline Darley

Verily Magazine Inc is a IRS-approved 501(c)(3) dedicated to changing the culture through positive women’s media. Support our mission and help us distribute Verily far and wide to those who need it most. Make a tax-deductible donation at verilymag.com.

V ERI LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

TABLE OF CONTENTS STYLE & BEAUTY

The Benefits of Oil Cleansing | AI ME E MC NE W 4 Save or Splurge: Makeup Bag Essentials | JE N NAVARO 6 Brighten up Your Everyday Look | L I L L I AN FAL LON 7 Latte Makeup: Brown Lipstick for your Skin Tone 8 Runway to Realway: Gray on Gray, Shine Bright, Cardinal Red 10 The Stories Our Clothes Tell | S OP H I E C AL DE COT T 14 Vintage Shopping Tips | MÉ LODI E B ANC E 15 Feature Style Shoot: Secrets of Parisian Style | 58 RELATIONSHIPS

Nurturing Friendships Amid Conflicting Values | AL E XANDRA DAV I S 16 What It’s Like to Feel Misunderstood as a Survivor of Assault | ANONY MOU S 18 Fun New Versions of Classic Fall Date Ideas | MONI C A GAB RI E L MARS H AL L 20 CULTURE

Noteworthy Books, Movies, and Music | 24 Autumn Poetry to Fall in Love with | AL L I S ON E L L I OT T 22 The Bizarre Reasons We Love Apple Picking | K RI Z I A L I QU I DO 23 Bravery Over Bitterness: Finding a Willingness to Listen In a Polarizing Age | MARGARE T B RADY 26 Stop Running Red Lights | SARAH M. ROZ MAN, L P C 29 Five Steps to Getting Involved in Your Community | T I F FANY RE E D 30 Short Stories to Read Before Black Friday Shopping | MADE L E I NE COY NE 32 HEALTH & LIFESTYLE

Making a Fresh Start: Leverage Your Fall | FAY S C H AE F F E R 34 Sweet & Science: One woman’s journey from blogger to businesswoman | K E L L I E B . MOORE 36 | Accelerate Your Financial Goals with a Debt Payoff Plan | TAT I ANA QU I ROGA 38 Keeping the Art of Letter-Writing Alive in the Modern Age | S OP H I E C AL DE COT T 40 Fall Is Better Than New Year’s for Making Real Change in Your Life | L AU RE N RAB I N 44 When a Previous Miscarriage Impacts Your Current Pregnancy Experience | ANNE MARI E WI L L I AMS 45 Decorating for Fall: Creating a Cozy, Neutral Canvas | FAY S C H AE F F E R 50 Hassle-Free Workouts to Get You Outside in 20 Minutes or Less | K RI Z I A L I QU I DO 52 We All Have Stress—Here’s How I Knew Mine Was Something More | K E L S E Y DOWN 56 Recipes | Cinnamon Pumpkin Pie Oatmeal Parfait 42 | Warm Drinks for Autumn 44 Four Recipes You Can Commit to Memory 54 | Fall Superfoods to Add to Your Pantry 48

VERILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

STYLE & BEAUTY

THE BENEFITS OF OIL CLEANSING A simple, holistic practice that your skin will thank you for BY AI ME E MC NE W

I LLUSTR ATION BY A L E SSA N D RA OL A N OW

As a teen and in my early twenties, I was no pro at skin care. I knew you were supposed to wash your face and take your makeup off and stuff, but I was generally too preoccupied with other things in life to care too much. But the older I get, the more dry my skin becomes—a fab combo for the early onset of wrinkles. Additionally, being pregnant with each of my three children has resulted in major skin changes that left me scrambling to sort them out, including painful breakouts and a very dull complexion. (Pregnancy glow is apparently a myth—at least for me.) So, I’ve begun learning more about and testing proper skincare routines. Perhaps the least intuitive practice I’ve come across in my quest for better skin care is oil cleansing. Why would anyone want to smear oil on their face? I thought the first (several) times I heard about it. Wouldn’t that make it greasy and shiny? 4

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • FA L L 2023

But I also try to keep my skin care and cosmetic routine clean and free from as many unknown ingredients, chemicals, and fragrances as possible, so it seemed like something I should at least try. It turns out oil cleansing is balancing and supportive for all skin types, depending on the types of oil you choose. It works because it does not strip your body’s natural oils from the skin, and it can actually help lead to more vibrant skin and healthy layers of the epidermis. It can be used to address dry skin, oily skin, acne-prone skin, breakouts and blemishes, and even ultra-sensitive skin. The surface of the skin has a microbiome, just like the one that lives inside of our gut. So, yes, we perpetually have bacteria living on the skin but not in the icky way that it sounds. When we use harsh cleansing agents or otherwise harm the good bacteria living on our skin, it leaves room for bad bacteria

to move in, and we can end up with more skin problems. BASICS OF OIL CLEANSING

Oil cleansing is a simple process that doesn’t involve expensive products, numerous steps, or a lot of practice. It’s rooted in many holistic practices with the idea that “like defeats like”— in this case, clean and pure oil will dissolve and remove dirt and soiled oil from the skin’s surface. Oil cleansing can be used to: • Unclog glands and address breakouts and blackheads • Remove dead skin, makeup, and dirt (even waterproof makeup) • Moisturize dry skin • Balance oily skin • Reduce inflammation in acne or other facial skin conditions

STYLE & BEAUTY

Regular use of oil can help to improve the skin’s barrier function, which prevents unwanted bacteria or pathogens from entering. HOW TO OIL CLEANSE

If you’ve decided that you want to give it a try, you need to select which oil(s) you will use for your process. There are many options to choose from, including: • Castor oil • Avocado oil • Olive oil • Coconut oil • Jojoba oil • Almond oil • Sunflower oil • Argan oil Typically, you will combine one or more oils for the purpose of your cleansing, depending on your skin’s needs. Good oil options for dry skin include olive oil, coconut oil, jojoba oil, and avocado oil. If your skin is acne-prone or you have a lot of breakouts, consider castor oil, coconut oil, jojoba oil, and sunflower oil. Argan oil is often used for anti-aging purposes, and sunflower oil is lighter and allergy-friendly for those who can’t use coconut or almond. To start, choose two oils that fall under the category that you need, and combine them in a one-to-one ratio. Some can be used on their own, but castor oil will always need to be paired with something else since it can dry out the skin and does not return hydration as easily. But it is an excellent astringent cleanser for acne or breakouts and works excellently for oil cleansing when paired with another hydrating option. When you purchase your oils, you won’t necessarily want to head to the cooking aisle. You will want to choose cold-pressed, virgin or extra virgin options that are free from extra ingredients, additives, or fragrances. These are often found in the cosmetics or skin care aisle, at health-food stores, or at online retailers like Amazon or Vitacost. Products meant for skin will often state that they’re for skincare or not meant for cooking use. When you’re ready to wash your face, start by applying your oils of choice to your face. You’ll want enough to feel like every inch is covered and that you have enough to rub your skin with, but not so much that it’s dripping off your chin. Rub it around in a circular, upward motion, especially over your cheeks and forehead, and be sure to focus special attention on areas where you have makeup or are prone to breakouts. No need to be painfully vigorous—just be gentle and thorough. After you’ve finished the cleansing, gently wipe your face with a soft cotton cloth and

warm water. Some people choose to use colder water for the invigorating feel, but a warm wet rag will remove oil faster and more thoroughly. After you’ve removed all of the oil, depending on your skin type, you may want to follow with a dab of pure oil for moisturizing. Jojoba or coconut can be good for keeping moisture in dry skin, especially in the fall and winter months. Argan is light enough that it can moisturize without being greasy, and it fights wrinkles at the same time. Oil cleansing is safe enough to do on a daily basis, but you won’t want to do it multiple times per day. It’s best to do at the end of the day to remove impurities and send you to bed with hydrated skin. After you’ve finished cleansing, your skin should feel soft and moisturized, but not irritated, overly greasy, or dry. If it feels irritated, you may need to get a softer washcloth or not massage as hard. You may also need to try a different oil combo if you feel like it is the oils irritating your skin. If it feels greasy, you may need to cleanse with two washcloths—a second for a final removal that gets the rest of the oil residue off. If it feels dry, you need to add more pure oil post-cleanse or go with more hydrating oils for the actual cleansing process. If you are on topical or internal medication for skin conditions, it’s always best to check with your healthcare provider before making a skin-care routine change. It could take one to two weeks before you notice benefits from oil cleansing. However, if you notice immediate irritation, don’t keep going for two weeks—your oil choice might need to be changed due to allergies or sensitivities. Some initial breakouts or a change in your skin as the skin’s microbiome adjusts to the new level of hydration or cleanliness are normal, but it should not be painful, inflamed, or irritated. I was extremely skeptical before I tried oil cleansing. Even though I had very dry skin, I assumed my face would feel greasy and that I’d need to wash my face again after cleansing with oil. The results, however, have continued to surprise me. People frequently ask what my skin-care secret is and are shocked when I say that all I do is wash my face. I don’t even bother with foundation, concealer, or other makeup. While results can be different for everyone, I hope you’re inspired to give this natural cleansing method a try!

THE RIGHT OIL CLEANSER FOR YOUR SKIN TYPE DRY SKIN

To be expected, those with dry skin are more likely to really benefit from oils. Try Vita Coco Organic Extra-Virgin Coconut Oil for an affordable, all-natural option. SENSITIVE SKIN

Those with highly sensitive skin are likely suffering from dryness as well. If this is you, opt for something ultrasoothing, such as olive oil. Jojoba oil is also gentle on skin and won’t clog pores, making it ideal for sensitive skin that’s prone to dryness or breakouts. Try Desert Essence 100% Pure Jojoba Oil. ACNE-PRONE OR OILY SKIN

Grapeseed oil can be a great option for breakout-prone skin. This soothing oil is also a beauty-lover’s favorite, as it can be found at your local drugstore. Try NOW Solutions Grapeseed Oil 100% Pure for its silky finish. NORMAL/COMBINATION SKIN

Argan oil is a great option for those with regular skin because it cleanses without leaving behind residue or clogged pores. For a lightweight formula, try Josie Maran 100 Percent Pure Argan Oil Light. You could also try rosehip seed oil, a dry oil that immediately soaks into the skin for hydration balance in nonproblematic skin. If your skin is a tad more on the combination end of the spectrum, reach for safflower oil because it’s capable of both cleansing and hydrating, allowing it to target both problems at once.

Aimee McNew is a nutritionist and author who focuses on all aspects of women’s health.

VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

WHICH MAKEUP BAG ESSENTIALS YOU SHOULD SAVE OR SPLURGE ON BY J E N NAVA R O

03. BLUSH // SPLURGE

Blush can be tricky to pick out on your own. Many formulas change colors on skin due to oxidation and a reaction to your skin’s level of acidity. In addition, the way a blush looks in the container is not the way it will look on your skin. A great way to choose a blush would be to get it the day you choose your foundation. This way you can see how the blush lies on top of the foundation and how you feel about the color. 04. MASCARA // SAVE

This is the one category where I strongly believe the drugstore carries better products than the department store. I personally test out every mascara before I put it in my professional kit—if a mascara works on my long but stubbornly straight and thin lashes, then it will work on anyone. I have tried the highest of the high-end options and had allergic reactions, whereas some cheap finds have become my “holy grail” products. 05. EYELINER // SAVE

The number of different eyeliners you can find at the drugstore is endless—I’m sure you’ve seen it all in passing! The great thing about eyeliner is that it truly doesn’t make much of a difference in formula if you were to get something high-end versus something low-end. You can easily find great colors and formulas (waterproof, not waterproof, gel, liquid, kajal, long-wearing, etc.) at the drugstore. 06. EYE SHADOW // YOUR CHOICE

As a professional makeup artist, I carry a fully stuffed rolling suitcase, an equally stuffed tote of makeup, and hair supplies—all to handle any beauty situation imaginable. Luckily, you won’t need nearly as many supplies, and with a little creativity, you can put together a travel-friendly kit that not only fits in your purse but fits your budget as well. There are a couple things I’d recommend you splurge on, and many you can save on, while still getting the best products that the market has to offer. O1. FOUNDATION // SPLURGE

If there is only one item in your makeup bag that you buy from a makeup boutique or a department store and have a professional makeup artist help you with,

V ERI LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

make that item your foundation. There are so many different formulations that work best for specific skin types that investing in a foundation that specifically fits your needs is well worth it. 02. POWDER // YOUR CHOICE

Powder keeps your skin matte and not greasy. There is a range of powders on the market, from loose powder to pressed and from translucent to full coverage. Where you purchase is really your choice, as quality powders can be found at the drugstore as well as the department store. Consider the shade, whether you like the formula, and how it makes your skin look and feel.

Eye shadow can be intimidating to apply if you’re going for a more complicated look than just one color all over your lid. If you want a specific effect with your eye shadow, I believe that you’re better off making a department store choice and having a pro help you out. But if you’re aiming to have fun and achieve versatility with your look, there are now many choices in the drugstore that could satisfy your creative spirit without taking the whole choosing experience too seriously. 07. LIPSTICK // YOUR CHOICE

To be honest, fantastic lipstick formulas run the entire price spectrum. Choose your lipstick based on how you want to feel. I find that everything from the feeling of the packaging in your hand to the actual color of the lipstick on your face can completely transform your mood. Lipstick may be the most uplifting makeup item you will purchase, so have fun with it. Jen Navaro is a makeup artist in New York City.

P H OTO BY A L I H A RP E R

5 SIMPLE TIPS FOR BRIGHTENING UP YOUR EVERYDAY MAKEUP LOOK BY L IL LIA N FA LLO N

We all have basic makeup routines that we follow day in and day out. It’s easy to become habituated to creating a look that suits our unique features, skin type, and time frame. At the same time, many of us wouldn’t mind freshening up our look. Without throwing you off your entire routine, here are five easy tips for brightening up your daily makeup look.

P H OTOS BY H A RUKA SA KAGUCH I

01. APPLY BLACK LINER TO YOUR TOP

02.

WATERLINE. If eyeliner is already a part

BOTTOM WATERLINE. This is especially

of your daily look, this tip will be easy for you to adopt. To create a bolder lash line, take your liner and apply it to your top waterline and blend it into your lashes. This will make your liner look more natural and your eyes more defined.

helpful for anyone who wants to look more awake and refreshed. Instead of applying dark liner to your bottom waterline, use white liner. The white will brighten up your eyes because it matches the whites of your eyes. Just be sure to not blend the white into your lashes because that will create a chalky appearance.

03. APPLY LIGHT SHIMMER TO YOUR

04. APPLY ROSY BLUSH. Nothing brings life to your complexion like blush. If you want to look fresh as a well-rested daisy, apply a rose tone blush to the apples of your cheeks and blend out. Make sure you don’t go too intense. The goal is to look like yourself.

INNER EYE CORNERS. This is a trick all

the experts use. The key to looking really refreshed and bright is to apply a light shimmer to the inner corners of your eyes. Feel free to apply to the center of your eyelid and blend into the corners while increasing intensity at the inner

APPLY

WHITE

LINER

YOUR

05. A SWIPE OF BRIGHT COLOR IS ONE OF THE EASIEST WAYS TO LIVEN UP YOUR LOOK.

If you’re not in the mood for a full-on red lip, simply use a brightly colored lip balm or stain for a more natural look. Lillian Fallon is the former style editor of Verily and author of Theology of Style.

VERILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

05. MAKE UP FOR EVER, IDEAL CHAI $25

03. MAC, PHOTO $23 04. NARS, HOT VOODOO

02. RARE BEAUTY, WISE

$26

BROWN,

$20

BAHAMA BROWN

WARM TONES 01. MAC, $23

LATTE MAKEUP It’s time to give this unconventional hue a chance.

V E RI LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

P H OTOS BY WI L L H UGH E S

BY L I L LIA N FA LLO N

$41

To complement Nicola and Lauren’s warm skin tones, Lee used brown with a golden undertone, veering toward a warmer orangey-brown rather than a cool dark chocolate brown. Note how the warm brown highlights both Lauren and Nicola’s red hair. Not a redhead? That’s OK! A warm brown lipstick is a great look for anyone with subtle natural red undertones in their hair. If you’re nervous about trying brown lipstick, go for a more natural color like Nicola’s below. If you’re feeling bold, go darker golden brown like Lauren’s to the left.

MOCHA

When it comes to brown lipstick, many of us naturally recoil because, well, brown. But as we trade in our summer makeup palettes for the warm tones of fall, you might be wise to give this unconventional hue a chance. In fact, a makeup palette that focuses on using browns and nudes is experiencing a resurgence on social media lately, after being dubbed “latte makeup” by beauty trendsetters. Although brown lipstick may not possess the same timeless vintage appeal of a bright red lip or the romance of a berrystained pout, there is a striking beauty to this trending tone. Finding a brown lipstick that is flattering to your skin, however, is the biggest battle. Professional makeup artist Jas Lee helped us find browns that suit these classic skin-tone variations.

06. BOBBI

STYLE & BEAUTY

COOL TONES For our two cool skin-tone models, Lee applied brown lip colors that veer more toward chocolate brown. Note how the dark brown lip color on Maria (to the left) looks stunning against her dark hair and eyes. Her cool skin tone can support such a dark, cool color without becoming washed out. Courtney’s lip color (below) is similarly cool but lighter in value with subtle purple undertones—a cool purple undertone can bring out blue eyes. For cool tones, stick to brown lipsticks that have purple, blue, or red undertones. For a subtler brown lipstick, try a lighter color like Courtney’s below with a berry undertone. For those who want to go all out, try a dark brown with oxblood undertones like Maria’s. Lillian Fallon is the former style editor of Verily and author of Theology of Style.

02. MAC, DEL RIO $23 01. GLOSSIER, CACHET $18 06. CLINIQUE, TENDERHEART $24

03. MENTED COSMETICS, BROWN BARE $16

05. BOBBI BROWN, 04. URBAN DECAY, 1993

BROWNIE $33

$21 VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

STYLE & BEAUTY

RUNWAY TO

REALWAY ST Y L I N G BY I.M . SIM O N PH OTO G R A P HY BY SA R A H B EI RNE M A K E U P BY STE P HA N IE WA L KI EWI CZ

MICHAEL KOR S

We invited three non-models in Cleveland to model looks from the season’s runways.

RUNWAY

REALWAY GRAY ON GRAY MODE L E D BY S OP H I A S I MONE

Monochrome pieces are already everywhere these days, and grays are emerging as the neutral du jour. For Sophia’s cozy yet functional outfit, we dressed up one heather sweater by adding another. Paired with black leggings and riding boots, and no chill or rain could stop your day. TURTLENECK SWEATER , NOR DSTR OM R ACK, $39.97. LON G SWE ATE R V E ST, THEMOGAN, $30.99. BOOTS, DSW, $59.99. LEG GIN GS , M OD E L’S OWN . EAR R I NGS, CLAI R E’S, $9.99.

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

STYLE & BEAUTY

MI CH AE L KORS

SHINE BRIGHT MODE L E D BY ZOË RI DE NOU R

Shimmery accents made a casual entrance in some Fall 2023 runway looks including this one by Michael Kors. We dressed it up for a business-friendly outfit on Zoë by pairing this sequinned blazer with a light peach blouse and white dress pants. Dangly clip-on earrings and open-toed heels completed the look.

RUNWAY

REALWAY

BLAZER , ANTHR OP OLOGI E, $1 28 . BLOUSE, NOR DSTR OM, $59. PANTS, WHITE H OUS E BLACK MAR KET, $1 1 0. SHOES, DI LLAR DS, $1 30. EAR R I NGS, CLAI R E’S, $1 4 .9 9.

VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

RUNWAY

REALWAY CARDINAL RED MODE L E D BY H ANNAH DE L AAT

The stand-out color this season is bright red, and it may be just the thing for that statement dress you can wear now and at any holiday party on your calendar. Dangly gold and red earrings framed Hannah’s face, and gold-adorned black heels completed the classy, effortless look. DR ESS, ANTHR OP OLOGI E, $1 8 0. SHOES, KOHLS, $1 9.99. EAR R I NGS, MAR SHALLS, 10.

TORI BURCH

V ER ILY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

THE STORIES OUR CLOTHES TELL The power of vintage and pre-loved fashion to connect us to the past and the future BY S OP H I E C AL DE COT T

I don’t have many memories of my maternal grandmother. She died when I was twelve, and when I reach back to the times we spent together my memory mostly skirts nervously around her, to focus instead on the objects in her vicinity. I remember racing the elevator up and down the stairs in her apartment building in London, the bright red of the carpet in the hallway, the tiny porcelain animals my sisters and I used to play with on her window sill, and the dizzying view down to the street below from her living room window. As a child I didn’t feel like my grandmother was a safe person to be around; it was only when I was an adult that I learned the extent of the emotional abuse my mother had experienced growing up. But even as my awareness of the complexity of the relationship between my mother and grandmother has grown, my mother has always spoken of her mother with such

compassion. My grandmother didn’t talk much about her own childhood, and my mother only met her own maternal grandmother twice, briefly (her grandfather died before she was born). There is obviously a history of generational trauma there; damaged relationships, silence, and absence where we long for there to be roots going back, unbroken, through the generations. My grandmother was a professional model in the 1950s (we have a suitcase full of her glamorous clippings from magazines like Italian and French Vogue, Grazia, and Vanity Fair), but the only item of clothing from her wardrobe that we have left in our possession is a stylish black evening cocktail dress with a teeny tiny 28-inch waist. She always told my mother that this dress was a Balenciaga design that she was gifted after she modeled it, but as it was unlined and had no label, we never

had a way of verifying its origin story. My mother remembers playing dress up in it when she was a young teenager, and I wore it to my first formal date with my husband. A few years ago I reached out with some photos of the dress to someone who works in the Balenciaga archives, and she helped me track it down; it turns out that it is, indeed, a Balenciaga sample, from their Autumn/Winter 1955 collection. The dress needs some extensive repairs, but it’s nice to know some more about where it came from, and that my grandmother had worn it the same year that my mother was conceived. I have always appreciated the power of vintage clothing to connect us with the past, and love imagining the stories at my fingertips when I’m browsing a vintage store. A friend once told me an anecdote about their family friends who were distant relations of Audrey Hepburn and VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

STYLE & BEAUTY

inherited a suitcase of her clothes. Apparently, someone in the household who didn’t know the provenance of the clothes donated them to a consignment store before realizing with horror what they had given away. I love the idea that some of this style icon’s incredible wardrobe is out there right now, well-loved and frequently worn, I hope, rather than being in a museum as it probably would be if the origin was known. We used a lot of vintage pieces owned by the models and stylist themselves in the style photoshoot we did in Paris for this issue; when we talked about the secrets of Parisian style with Mélodie, Azalaïs, and Léna, they shared that Parisians love vintage and vintageinspired fashion because it helps them to identify clothing with a timeless quality that transcends fleeting trends and touches on a more enduring form of beauty and style. Léna’s grandmother was also a model, and she talked about her fascination with clothing and style starting at a young age, inspired in part by her grandmother’s wardrobe and story. If our clothing has the power to connect

us with the people in our past, it’s also important to remember where it locates us in the present and future. Our ancestors instinctively understood the intimate connection between maker and wearer. Scottish Gaelic “waulking songs” are traditional songs that people would sing while they worked. There is one particular version of a weaver’s waulking song I came across recently that includes thanksgiving for the grass that fed the sheep and for the sheep that provided the wool for the fabric that they’re weaving. They go on to pray a blessing over the person who will wear the cloth: “Bless the man who wears this cloth, may he wounded never be. From the bitter cold and frost, may the cloth protection be.” Traditional songs like this are striking to modern ears because it’s hard to imagine modern cloth workers having the time or joy to sing over their work today. With poor pay and unsafe working conditions rife in the clothing industry, our culture has lost a sense of the dignity of labor. All too often the big businesses behind cheap fast fashion are not providing the people who make our clothes with what they need to survive, let alone to thrive. While modern consumers are generally disconnected from the people who make the products that we buy, their well-being has a ripple effect on all of us. As big corporations treat their workers terribly, forcing them to produce more in less time and for lower pay, we the consumers become used to low prices and forget the value of the products we’re buying. As fast fashion has proliferated in past decades, mending skills have been declining steeply. How many of us know how to fix a button hole or darn a sock, and even if we know how to do these things in theory, do we take the time to do them or take the easier route of buying a new cheap piece of clothing and throwing the old one away? When we get into the habit of slowing down to ask about the story behind our clothing— who made it and under what conditions?—we start to value the labor and skill of the person who made it, and in turn ask ourselves how we can participate in caring for their handiwork. Now, whenever I buy new clothes, or even pre-worn clothing, I ask myself not only if it’s something that I really need and will wear a lot, but also if it’s something that I could imagine handing down to my children.

WHEN WE GET INTO THE HABIT OF SLOWING DOWN TO ASK ABOUT THE STORY BEHIND OUR CLOTHING—WHO MADE IT AND UNDER WHAT CONDITIONS?— WE START TO VALUE THE LABOR AND SKILL OF THE PERSON WHO MADE IT, AND IN TURN ASK OURSELVES HOW WE CAN BETTER PARTICIPATE IN CARING FOR THEIR HANDIWORK. 14

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Without having known my grandmother well, I could find it easy to glamorize her, to reduce her to the photos and the sparkly black cocktail dress with the tiny waistline, or to villainize her for the harm she inflicted on my mother. However, as my mother reminds me, the pain is like a thread that runs through our family history, inflicted on my grandmother before she inflicted it on my mother in turn. My mother has demonstrated the great strength it takes to break that generations-old cycle of harm, while seeing those who came before us with clarity and compassion. She shows me that it is possible to hold the tension of imperfection, love and harm, hurt and healing, that every family history contains without throwing our connection to the past away altogether. I did not inherit my grandmother’s confidence and poise in front of the camera, and in many ways I struggle to relate to her. But the dress is something that connects us and reminds me that we have something in common, even if I don’t know enough of her story to know what that might be. Did she feel beautiful when she wore it? Did the clusters of beading on the black chiffon remind her of a star-studded night sky, too? Did she breathe a sigh of relief when she took it off, and rub her skin where the tightly cinched bodice left red marks on it? I will never know my grandma’s full story, but wearing her dress is one small way for our stories to intertwine, if only for an evening. That is the power all clothing has: to communicate who we are to each other, and to tell our stories and the stories of those who went before us, if only we let it. Sophie Caldecott is the creative director of Verily Magazine.

VINTAGE SHOPPING TIPS BY MÉ LODI E B ANC E

Mélodie Bance, the Parisian stylist of this issue’s cover shoot, shares her tips for successful vintage shopping. 01. DON’T HESITATE TO TRY THE CLOTHING ON IF YOU CAN, even if it’s at a flea market. Body shapes used to be different in the past as well as the way clothes were cut, so to avoid disappointment, it’s always safer to try them on before you buy them. 02. MAKE SURE YOU READ THE LABELS. By looking at

the brand label, you’ll have a better idea of the kind of clothing you’re looking at (is it a second hand H&M or an old Laura Ashley shirt?). The composition label is equally important. You want natural fibers as much as possible: wool, cotton, silk are the best.

This is particularly helpful if you can’t try the clothes on. Knowing this helps to be more efficient in deciding what is worth buying or not. For example, I find that vintage jeans are never flattering on me so I don’t bother looking at them too much. However, I love a good oversize jacket or coat, so this is what I always focus on.

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P H OTO BY PAUL I N E DA RL E Y

03. KNOW WHAT SUITS YOU AND WHAT DOESN’T.

P H OTO BY A L E X E Y KUZ M A

NURTURING FRIENDSHIPS AMID CONFLICTING VALUES Friendships don’t require agreement on weighty issues to thrive BY AL E XANDRA DAV I S

It’s hard to make friends as an adult. All too often, it feels a bit like dating—you scope out friends who share common interests, who are close in proximity or age, and whom you genuinely enjoy. You hem and haw over whether it’s “too soon” to invite someone to coffee, dinner, or a play date with your kids, and cringe over any awkward statements you inevitably made. If all goes well, the relationship finds a more comfortable rhythm. Recently, though, I’ve struggled with more than just my own awkwardness in seeking out 16

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adult friends: I’ve found myself wondering whether it matters if our friends share our fundamental values. A few weeks ago, I shared my concern with my aunt. As she is someone who seems to have many friends from diverse backgrounds and walks of life (not to mention, who seems to make new friends at every turn), I figured she would offer sound advice. I told her that I wished I had more friends who shared my values. I also admitted that sometimes it bothered me that so many of my friends had

such different and seemingly foreign worldviews. Then, she asked me a show-stopping question: “Do you enjoy spending time with them?” The answer was yes, I did. Very much. I have friends who make me laugh and with whom I share lively debates about everything from our jobs to the best postpartum granny panties. Even though we wouldn’t dare touch politics with a ten-foot pole, these friends genuinely bring joy into my life—and, given that our friendships have endured, I’d hazard a guess that they feel the same way.

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This really got me thinking. Do all of our friends need to share our values? If we enjoy spending time together, is that enough? And, to take it a step further, can those friends enrich our lives even more than those who agree with us on every fundamental issue? WE ARE MORE THAN THE SUM OF OUR VALUES

Recently, a therapist friend helped me understand the concept of “values.” Some values, she said, can change throughout our lives. What we value as thirty-somethings will differ from what we valued as college students. For instance: a college student may value freedom and autonomy, while a young professional may instead value financial stability and a predictable schedule. Other values, like deeply held religious or moral convictions, often remain constant through our lives. These are close to our hearts. They are personal. But, as my therapist friend helped me understand, even they are not the sum total of who we are. As highly complex individuals, we are more than simply an amalgamation of our many beliefs, opinions, motivations, and worldviews. As such, when we automatically eliminate the possibility of friendships with those whose values differ, we lose out on a great amount of personality and depth. I can describe myself, for instance, not just as a woman with a certain set of religious, political, and moral beliefs, but also a classic Myers-Briggs INFJ, recovering perfectionist, wife, mother, infrequent-but-enthusiastic traveler, and aspiring (and completely untalented) hobby painter—to name just a few of what could, for every individual, be a very long list. SHARED VALUES ARE NOT A HALLMARK OF A SOLID FRIENDSHIP

We all have different ideas of what makes for a lasting friendship, and reasonable minds can differ as to the purpose of sharing our lives with our friends. The philosopher Aristotle distinguishes three kinds of friendships: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and perfect friendship. All three friendships are a kind of reciprocated goodwill. It is the source of this goodwill, however, that separates a pure, perfect friendship from the two imperfect ones. True friendship, he explains, is one in which friends value each other for their own sake and will the good of the other. However, a perfect friendship need not involve two people who are simpatico on every political, sociopolitical, theological, and moral issue. Rather, a perfect friendship is simply one in which the friends fully, perfectly will the good of the other. Since Aristotle’s time, the subject of friendship has been extensively studied and researched. Licensed counselor and professor Suzanne Degges-White notes that enduring friendship requires elements like pleasure in

each other’s company, reciprocity, and mutual respect—but notably absent from her list are shared values. It seems both in the Aristotelian construct and the modern take on the anatomy of friendship that shared values are not essential to a “perfect” friendship that wills the good of the other. Rather, mutual respect, support, reciprocity, and pleasure in each other’s company are bulwarks of any platonic relationship. A cursory glance at some of history’s most adored friendships is enough to shed light on this concept. Famous writers C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien vehemently disagreed on

RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT A LITTLE DISCORD WITHIN FRIENDSHIPS MAY ACTUALLY BE HEALTHY AND GOOD. a panoply of theological issues, but remained close friends throughout their lives. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was known for her close bond with Justice Antonin Scalia, with whom she rarely concurred in her judicial opinions on controversial cases. These bonds show that a unique synergy between persons does not depend upon the absence of discord on important issues. UNEARTHING UNSHARED VALUES CAN BE AN EXERCISE IN CHARITY AND IN POSITIVE GROWTH

Research suggests that a little discord within friendships may actually be healthy and good. Certified Gottman therapist Zach Brittle shares that it is perfectly healthy for friends to express their differences, so long as it is done graciously. “Being right doesn’t mean that you have to be righteous,” he told Verily in 2016. “And if you are right, you’d rather your friend know that you have her back no matter what than have her expect you to say, ‘I told you so.’”

Not to mention, while friendships should feel pleasurable and fun, that does not mean they should leave us unchallenged. In fact, all of us are more likely to grow and thrive when pushed, in a healthy way, to confront our own beliefs. When we welcome diverse friends into our circles, we also welcome the opportunity to explore innovative, uncharted ideas that can help us either crystallize our own beliefs or develop new ones. And according to a recent study, a diverse friendscape can also help us grow in empathy. Degges-White explains that this type of situation is akin to “reading about people different from you—by hearing others’ stories, we have a greater understanding of both the diversity of the human experience and the way in which we are all more alike, at heart, than different.” DISAGREEMENTS ARE NOT THE DEATH OF FRIENDSHIP

Brittles notes that the adage, “let’s just agree to disagree” is often a different way of saying, “let’s never talk about this again.” But he explains that “agreeing to disagree” does not necessarily mean avoiding certain topics of discussion. Rather, it involves a tacit agreement to prioritize the relationship over the issue. “The fact that we disagree doesn’t mean we have a problem,” he explains. “It means that we have an opportunity to learn and grow but only if we’re curious and willing to suspend judgment.” The best way to let our friends know that we value their friendship more than our differences is simply to be a good friend. Express it to them either by showing up when they need you, dropping them a thoughtful or encouraging note, or saying it outright. Even a heated discussion need not erode the foundation of your relationship—so long as you value each other as whole people. I have many different friends who hold different values. There are a few with whom I agree on very little, in fact. But incidentally, many of the friends with whom I share the least common ground are the ones who’ve showed up the most for my family when I needed them. They are also the ones I think of first when something funny happens to me, and the ones I immediately dial when I have big news to share. Of course, this isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with nurturing friendships based on shared values; these are the ones we can turn to to affirm, strengthen, and sharpen our own views. The key is to remember that no matter what they hold dear, people are not the sum of their views. And when they come into our lives, if we inspire and uplift each other, we can and should embrace them wholeheartedly. Alexandra Davis, a lawyer-turned-writer and editor, is the managing editor of Public Discourse, and author of Pivot: The Nontraditional JD Careers Handbook.

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I LLUSTR ATI ON BY CATE PAR R

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD AS A SURVIVOR OF ASSAULT, FROM SOMEONE WHO EXPERIENCED IT Being a survivor of assault can be incredibly lonely. ANONY MOU S

It had seemed so idyllic: we met at school, had a striking amount of interests in common, a lot of mutual friends, and a support system. During the long courtship, I would have characterized us as a fun-loving, dynamic couple. One oddity was his occasional swing from aloofness to demanding clinginess, but that just seemed like normal growing pains. A year or so into dating, however, the aloofness was replaced with a consistently 18

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nasty tone during arguments; one or two intense bouts of jealousy that erupted from nowhere; the word “bitch” thrown at me like a stone; an almost imperceptible shove that was later denied. Fights usually ended with dramatic apologies with the faintest whiff of blame aimed back at me. No one is perfect, and I was always sure I bore some responsibility anyway. I was impatient and had a bad temper.

After the wedding, the fights were more frequent and the apologies more indifferent. The first time he physically assaulted me, it was at once shocking—I had never been physically attacked in my life—and also somewhat expected, a mere escalation from the subtle degradation of the previous months. After a couple years of coping, I decided on a plan. If my husband ever started picking

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

a fight in that way that he did, I would leave for the night. The one night I followed through on that resolve, I was so proud of myself. My girlfriend was kind and welcoming and very sensitive to my vague explanation of a “bad fight.” She offered love and support and prayers without probing too much for details. Her husband welcomed me into his home, too. Then he said one comment as he stepped away to let me and his wife talk: “This is a one-time thing, right? I mean, obviously you’re not going to leave him.” My friend’s husband had no idea what I was dealing with, and I’m sure he meant well. But his comment hurt, even as I recognized that I had been unwilling to share what was happening, which only fed his ignorance. He had no idea what I was dealing with in my own home. He had no idea I’d suffered memory loss from a concussion and that I was so used to feeling nauseous from stress and fear that I had stopped noticing. In that moment there were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wished I could have asked for from my friends, but I just couldn’t. I struggled to deal with the fact that I longed for support yet wasn’t willing or able to ask for it. In that moment and now, I wish my friends could have understood better what it was like. 01. FEELING VERY ALONE

Violence is isolating. It turns forthright people into secret-keepers, and it makes getting help through friends and family seem like an impossibility. It created a terrible chasm between me and my friends. I couldn’t form the words to tell them what happened, and they would never have been able to guess. My husband and I looked like a model couple. We laughed at each other’s jokes and playfully argued about common interests. My friends did what most people do: accepted the surface exterior for what it appeared to be. As I struggled to decide what to do about my marriage, I did go to professionals in confidence to verify if certain behaviors were as far outside the norm as I feared. Based on their advice, I determined an ultimatum attached to a timeline, but I never told anyone else until my decision to leave was made. 02. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

Once I made the decision to end my marriage, I felt at peace. We got divorced, and in the time since, I’ve been able to work steadily toward recovery with the help of my domestic violence support group. Recently though, a thread of comments in an online divorce support group spiraled into two people repeating dismissive and ignorant assumptions about domestic violence—

everything that I remember fearing during my long period of silence about the assaults: If there was abuse, she’d have done something about it already. Someone would have helped if it was a real danger. Men get abused too (as though that is somehow a counter-argument to domestic violence). Many people tend to believe that domestic violence doesn’t happen in certain communities or to certain people. Most domestic violence victims cite the reasons why they were utterly blindsided by their situations; just about any combination can make us feel like we should be too smart, too savvy, too strong to be victimized. I had mine: I am from a stable, suburban, middle-class family, my father is a perfect gentleman and deeply in love with my mother, I am college-educated, strong-willed, and religious. I thought I was a shoo-in for a happy marriage. But, sadly, there is no magic combination that prevents abuse. 03. IT’S EMBARRASSING

A friend recently asked me about my reluctance to share, because how on earth could anyone blame the victim? It does seem ridiculous in retrospect, particularly because I was fortunate to receive a tremendous amount of love and support when I did finally reach out for help. Why didn’t I just relate the facts sooner, as horrifying as they were? It isn’t simple for someone to extricate themselves from an abusive situation. It’s embarrassing and degrading to accept how completely helpless you are. I never cease to be shocked that I was violently assaulted by my husband. When I do remember the vivid details—like being thrown around the room and slammed into furniture while hearing the hem of my dress ripping—I still can hardly believe that that happened to me. I can hardly reconcile that my ex’s jovial, baby-faced, care-free exterior concealed the unwavering coldness I saw in his eyes as he strangled me. So for years, I struggled with doubt: if I can hardly believe it and it happened to me, how could our family and friends believe it? 04. IT’S HARD TO LET GO OF RELATIONSHIPS

When it comes to relating your situation to others, things can be quite hard. You try to drop hints without being entirely forward. You want support, but you can’t bring yourself to ask for it. I remember wishing someone would guess while I desperately concealed all the clues—even outright lying to cover for my husband. I had backed myself into a corner, and those few times I did reach out reluctantly for help, I was a raw nerve of conflicting emotions and guilt-ridden pain. I would merely ask for my friends’ advice about “tough times” and ongoing struggles, only giving smatterings of vague hints. My

reluctance to be blunt created a terrible dynamic. I desperately wanted the relationship to work, so I decided to protect his reputation. There were a couple “bad episodes,” but I didn’t want anyone to think poorly of him. As illogical as that sounds now, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. When I regained consciousness after an assault knocked me out cold, the very first thought in my mind was: “If anyone finds out, he’ll get in trouble and lose his job.” I don’t remember considering myself once until I was in front of the mirror looking at the red-black bruises that were blooming across a staggeringly large portion of my body the next day. And even then, I was replaying every second leading up to the assault so I could understand what I had done to set him off. 05. I NEEDED REAL EMPATHY

It is human nature to do what my friend did: awkwardly struggle to make an uncomfortable situation seem more natural. Some people minimize without realizing because they are desperate to reduce the tension. Some people don’t want to pry. We’re all guilty of avoiding hard situations, ignoring certain conversations. But it can be crushing, silencing, or misleading to the person in pain, and you would never know. The nature of an abused person is often to withhold the worst details, while the nature of even well-meaning friends is often to hear what they want to hear. To be negativityaverse. Somehow if we don’t hear it, it isn’t real. Somehow if we keep it on a relatable level we’re comfortable with, to a level where we can give advice to try to solve it, we can stomach it. But if we really care about helping our friends in abusive situations, whether they’ve encountered sexual assault on a onetime basis or are living with someone who’s abusing them on the regular, the best thing we can do is to stop avoiding and end the cycle. What I’ve learned is, the best course of action is to avoid floundering for advice when someone is in pain. Allow the other person to tell you the facts. Refrain from giving specific advice or hasty judgments if a friend is in trouble. Your limited understanding means that your attempts at advice will be limited and likely misguided. The best thing you can offer is compassionate listening. Share their burden with them, and let them feel they can tell you whatever they feel comfortable with telling. In other words, do what it takes to overcome whatever fears you have of facing difficult facts; be a friend to someone who needs it. And for me when I was abused? I was able to get out when I finally was a friend to myself.

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FUN NEW VERSIONS OF CLASSIC FALL DATE IDEAS TO TRY THIS SEASON BY M ON IC A GA B R IE L MA RSHALL

V E R ILY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

P H OTO BY M AURO GRI GOL LO

We all know what to do for dates in the fall: Grab your pumpkin spice latte, and take a walk through the glorious foliage. If you are feeling a little crazy, you can throw in some gourd painting or apple picking . . . and then grab another PSL after that. The truth is, as cliché as our fall date ideas may be, we can’t get enough of them. Fall comes but once a year. So let your guy impress you with his pumpkin-picking skills, and flirt like schoolkids as you run through the corn maze. And if you want to go beyond pumpkin patches and apple picking, here are some perfect-for-fall date ideas that you can try out before the snow comes.

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TAKE AN OUTDOORSY CLASS. What better way to enjoy the fall season with your significant other than to learn some new outdoorsy skills. REI has tons of great classes you can take, from camping, kayaking, and photography to classes that teach you to navigate cross-country with just a map and a compass. Of course, you don’t have to take classes via REI; this is just one great resource. Get outside, and learn something new. Your guy will thank you for the hands-on bonding— and the chance to show off.

VISIT A WINE FESTIVAL. Pumpkin spice is not the only thing in season, you know! The autumn months are actually harvest time for most vineyards in the northern hemisphere. Checking out a local wine festival is a great way to savor the season. Getting to know one another in between swish and spit (or sip) is easy, and it’s fun to learn about local wines.

BORROW SOME KIDS, AND TRICK-OR-TREAT AT AN OLD FOLKS’ HOME. I am a big proponent of babysitting dates. Kids are funny, and you get to see how your guy performs under stress . . . or when faced with awkward situations (e.g., when the kid innocently asks him what his intentions are: “Are you going to marry her?”). If you don’t have children in your life, call your siblings, cousins, friends, or friends of friends, and tell them that you and your man want to give them a day off. Suggest dressing up for Halloween and visiting your local nursing home. The kids and the elderly who could use a smile will thank you.

GO GLEANING. We all love to hit the orchards in the fall and come home with bushels of apples to bake pies. But what may not have occurred to you is how many of those apples, or any other favorite fall produce, go to waste. Organizations around the world look for volunteers to help collect good produce that is left behind after a harvest and distribute it to the needy. According to the Society of St. Andrew, “Each year, tens of millions of pounds of produce are salvaged and given to the poor at no cost to them or to the food pantry or kitchen that feeds them.” This fall, sign up for a day of gleaning. Gleaning may be a bit more work then a lazy day in the orchard, but you both will find that those “helpingothers fuzzies” will warm you up faster then any hot cider (although I’d recommend that, too).

HEAD TO THE RACES. When most people think of horse racing, they think of early spring, most specifically the Kentucky Derby kicking off the Triple Crown in May. But the Breeders’ Cup is another big horse race that takes place in October, and there are horse races to attend just a few hours away from many major cities. A day outside tailgating and a chance to wear a cute dress? Sounds like a win!

MAKE THRIFTY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. If you and he are an item, chances are that you’re going to be attending a costume party together. Now, I’m not one to get too worked up about what costume to put together for “the big day,” but it can be fun to come up with something creative together. Hit up a thrift store, do a little basic stitching (or duct taping), and piece together a creative costume old-school style. This date is sure to get your creative juices flowing and have you both laughing. Monica Gabriel Marshall is a a former editor-in-chief and relationships editor for Verily.

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AUTUMN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH POETRY BY A LLISO N E LLIOTT

There is something poetic about autumn; for many poets, the intricate beauty of fall has symbolized the changing seasons in our lives. Whether it’s cooling temperatures, bursts of red and yellow leaves, or ripe pumpkins ready for harvest, there’s no cozier time to curl up with a book of poetry and a cup of tea. Your old college Norton Anthology wouldn’t be a bad place to start. However, here are a few additional books also worth checking out.

02. RAIN BY DON PATERSON

Not as famous in America as in the UK, Don Paterson is a Scottish poet whose collection Rain is not so new, but very much worth reading. Beginning with the endearing “Two Trees” the poet tells an almost fablelike tale of a man who tried to graft his orange tree to his lemon tree to make a “magic tree.” Playful and unpretentious, Paterson can be very funny. He can also be quite touching.

03. PITY THE BEAUTIFUL BY DANA GIOIA

It’s rare that a book of poems can make you both laugh and cry, but Pity the Beautiful by Dana Gioia manages to do just that. He takes on truly terrifying subjects like the death of a child and the serious illness of another, but also makes imaginative and humorous leaps, such as casting the seven deadly sins as dining companions at a dive restaurant:

01. HERE BY WISLAWA SZYMBORSKA

Who can resist a poet who begins a poem with, “Why not, let’s take the Foraminifera.” Yes, why not? Foraminifera, in case you’re wondering, are amodeboid protists, or, in case you’re still wondering, tiny, mostly marine microorganisms. They’ve left quite an extensive fossil record for scientists, and Szymborska, winner of the 1996 Nobel Prize in Literature, to ponder. It’s this pondering on small things that shows off Szymborska’s quirky, light-hearted, yet darkly ironic gifts. She asks the questions your adorkable kid sister might ask, except from the vantage point of someone much older. In Here, Szymborska seems to enter a kind of second childhood, where instead of dementia, one gets wisdom and wonder.

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Notice how Avarice keeps refilling his glass whenever he thinks we’re not looking, while Envy eyes your plate. . .

04. BREAK BY CAMILLE PAGLIA

And finally, if the fall leaves have you thinking wistfully of school terms and literature courses, why not pick up Camille Paglia’s Break. Blow. Burn. Paglia selects 43 of what she deems “the world’s best poems” and pairs each with her unique, insightful reading. From classics like Donne and Herbert to poets less canonical (she takes on Joni Mitchell’s “Woodstock”), you’ll feel that you’re auditing a course from a favorite professor right from your couch. Or wherever it is you like to read on cool autumn afternoons.

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

P H OTO BY S OP H IA H S IN

THE BIZARRE PSYCHOLOGICAL REASONS WHY WE LOVE APPLE PICKING This popular fall activity gives us more than an excuse for apple pie. BY K RI Z I A L I QU I DO

mental input throughout the day, our brains need a break every one to two hours: Taking a nature break for just a few minutes can decrease stress and increase our brain’s ability to process information.” Madden adds, “Apple picking is a sustained nature break, so it is especially refreshing to our minds.”

Having lived in NYC for many years, I assumed apple picking was an East Coast or a Midwest thing. But as I embark on my first autumn back in California, I’ve found that this classic fall activity is more universally revered than I thought. In fact, except for the warmest parts of Texas and Florida, apples grow all over the continental U.S. (the world’s secondlargest apple producer), according to the USDA. What’s with our uncanny obsession with apple picking? Perhaps it’s the warm spiced cider and apple crumbles we can craft out of a modest harvest. But I had a hunch that there was something more to it, so I asked experts to weigh in on the reasons why we love apple picking. What they had to say was (surprise, surprise) a bit odd but also quite heartwarming.

RITUAL AND RELATIONSHIP

Lastly, we love apple picking because

REAPING

Debbie Mandel, stress management specialist and author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life, tells me, “Apple picking sums up the credo of this country’s puritanical roots: You reap what you sow.” In other words, much of what happens to us is a consequence of our actions. Mandel describes apple picking as “a happy memory from childhood, which reminds us of our spontaneity and joy” and “an archetypal image of the harvest of the ‘forbidden fruit,’ which is joyous as it is climactic, preceding death as depicted in winter.” In other words, Mandel notes, “This is the last hurrah.” Partake in apple picking, and you reap the nostalgic feels, the sweet fruits, the rekindled friendships. Don’t, and you miss out on all the joys it imparts. According to Mandel, it’s up to us to brighten our life by “flicking the switch” to turn on our inner light. Apple picking is one such switch. That last bit about death and winter sounds a little weird, but it makes sense. More on that below.

RENEWAL

Jenifer Joy Madden, founder of The Durable Human, says people love apple picking “because they are getting up close and personal with nature, an activity that has almost disappeared in our busy, digital age. . . . When we pick apples, we fully utilize our senses and exercise our dormant musculature. . . . Being in the breeze and sunshine naturally helps us feel calmer and more emotionally in control.” In her book How to Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design, Madden quotes noted California State University psychologist Larry Rosen, who has extensively researched the human–technology interconnection. “Rosen says that since we now have such constant

we love rituals, and science shows that rituals are good for us and our relationships. Adams says, “It has a lot to do with rituals and life transitions—the changing patterns of the seasons evoke in us an awareness of the possibility of change within ourselves. We find ourselves wanting to interact with that change, given that we too are part of nature.” In this way, he deems apple picking “a very spiritual experience.” For many Americans, apple picking is a symbolic ritual rather than an instrumental routine. A Journal of Family Psychology review of fifty years of research found that family rituals “are associated with marital satisfaction, adolescents’ sense of personal identity, children’s health, academic achievement and stronger family relationships.” According to the review, “Rituals . . . involve symbolic communication and convey ‘this is who we are’ as a group and provide continuity in meaning across generations. Also, there is often an emotional imprint where once the act is completed, the individual may replay it in memory to recapture some of the positive experience.” By coming back to a ritual like apple picking, you’ll gather more than a basket of red orbs; you’ll also glean a host of benefits for you and your loved ones. Far from being a novel nicety, dare we say that an annual trip to the apple orchard should be a fall necessity. With winter on the horizon, let’s savor the kind of reaping, readying, renewal, and ritual that only autumn brings. Krizia Liquido, a former lifestyle editor for Verily, is a fine artist living in California.

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NOTEWORTHY BUILD THE LIFE YOU WANT: THE ART AND SCIENCE OF GETTING HAPPIER

Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey BOOKS

An unexpected but winning combination of self-help thinkers— Arthur C. Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School’s Happiness Laboratory, and talk-show queen Oprah Winfrey— are teaming up to write a book about getting happier, and we’re all ears. With chapters on topics like “Build Your Imperfect Family,” “Friendship That Is Deeply Real,” and “Work That Is Love Made Visible,” the book promises to be carefully thought-out and practical advice for making our own everyday lives just a little bit happier. THE SISTERHOOD: THE SECRET HISTORY OF WOMEN IN THE CIA

Liza Mundy THE OTHER PRINCESS: A NOVEL OF QUEEN VICTORIA’S GODDAUGHTER

Denny S. Bryce Lovers of historical fiction will devour the story of Aina, a kidnapped Yoruba princess who became Sarah Forbes Benetta. Rescued from enslavement at age 7 and presented as a “gift” to Queen Victoria, Sarah was raised in Victoria’s court, seen as a sign of the Queen’s generosity of spirit, but suffers from both past trauma and present discrimination. Sarah must forge a life of her own, using her quick wit and many talents to find a place and build relationships that can be truly her own.

MUSIC

GUTS - Olivia Rodrigo

The second studio album from twenty-year-old pop star Olivia Rodrigo, Guts is full of the angst of being barely out of your teens. Songs like “bad idea right?” are self-aware parodies of the bad choices that can accompany young romance; others, like “all-american bitch” delve a little deeper into the complexity and pressures of being a woman in our own time and place: “I’m grateful all the time . . . I’m pretty when I cry.” It’s an album full of bops and weepy piano ballads—perfect for listening to in the car with the windows down—but with the subject matter and seven explicit tracks, wait for a time when kids aren’t around.

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Liza Mundy, the author of Code Girls: The Untold Story of the American Women Code Breakers of World War II, returns with another powerful tale that hasn’t made enough headlines: the history of women in the CIA, from the end of World War II to 9/11 and beyond. Mundy does not shy away from describing the discrimination women in the CIA faced— many started as secretaries or as spouses of CIA operatives before working their way up the ranks—but tells the powerful stories of the ways women have worked through the decades to keep their country safe. Part historical exposé, part suspenseful narrative, this will be a gripping tale for anyone interested in national security or women’s history.

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AUTUMN VARIATIONS - Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran’s seventh studio album, Autumn Variations, is right on the heels of his May release Subtract. In the announcement for the album, Sheeran described his inspiration: “Last autumn, I found that my friends and I were going through so many life changes. After the heat of the summer, everything either calmed, settled, fell apart, came to a head, or imploded.” With an album cover full of autumn-themed illustrations (“warm fires,” “shades of darkness,” “long walks,” and “guiding lights,” among others) and track titles like “Magical,” “Midnight,” and “When Will I Be Alright,” expect an appropriately moody autumn soundtrack. JAVELIN - Sufjan Stevens

MOVIES

A HAUNTING IN VENICE

Kenneth Branagh is back as Hercule Poirot in another Agatha Christie adaptation for the big screen: A Haunting in Venice, adapted from Christie’s novel Hallowe’en Party. Like Branagh’s other Christie adaptations, Murder on the Orient Express (2017) and Death on the Nile (2022), the film is moody and atmospheric, immediately immersing the viewer in the world of 1940s Venice. Impressive performances from the film’s leads, a spooky, haunting plot, and surprising twists and turns will keep you riveted from beginning to end. Not for sensitive viewers, but as with most Agatha Christie mysteries, the unraveling of the surreal scenes is half the fun.

It’s always hard to know what to expect from Sufjan Stevens. Javelin, seems to be taking a page from the book of his more indie-folk-leaning records—like Carrie & Lowell and Michigan—rather than from his experimental The Age of Adz and bombastic Illinois. “Will Anybody Ever Love Me?,” one of two tracks already released, shows his artistic, vulnerable touch in its lyrics and gentle instrumentation: “Will anybody ever love me? / For good reasons / Without grievance, not for sport . . . Pledge allegiance to my heart.” Some local record stores across the U.S. and Canada are hosting listening parties (javelin.sufjan.com).

TAYLOR SWIFT: THE ERAS

THE MARVELS:

TOUR

Marking a whopping #33 in the Marvel series, this sequel to Captain Marvel (2019) and the Disney series Miss Marvel (2022) delves deeper into the story of Carol Danvers, who will team up with Monica Rambeau and Kamala Khan to save the world. For fans of the MCU, this promises to be a female-forward, upbeat installment with nonstop action to continue Phase Five. (While its current release date is November 10, it may be delayed due to strikes; it has had four previous release dates. Fingers crossed!)

Swifties who couldn’t make it to the Eras Tour in person can “make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it” in theaters worldwide on October 13. Recorded live at SoFi stadium in LA, and branded as a “concert film experience” with a “breathtaking view,” the film will most likely feature many of Swift’s best performances of her biggest hits, plus give a great view of the tour’s many special effects and dazzling costumes. Rumor has it that fans will be encouraged to sing along and maybe dance in the aisles. Don your “not a lot going on at the moment” t-shirt and join Swifties around the world in theaters!

Emily Lehman, a former associate editor at Verily, is artistic director of Core Virtues, a children’s literature program.

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BRAVERY OVER BITTERNESS

P H OTO BY D UE T P OSTS CRIP TUM

In a polarizing age, hope arrives in a willingness to listen. BY MARGARE T B RADY

Nancy Miranda was so heartbroken, she couldn’t sleep. “I had just been so upset with what was going on in the country,” she told me. “It was really, really bothering me. I was actually getting up at night worrying about it,

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thinking, it’s a long way away from the world I grew up in.” It was August 2021. Civil society, already poisoned by the shocking drama surrounding the 2016 and 2020 presidential elections, had spent the previous 18 months being

wounded by Covid-19 polarization. Bitterness, contempt, and a profound lack of trust in their fellow citizens was making Americans even sicker than the virus. Nancy knew she had to do something.

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”THEY” AREN’T THAT BAD GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE

“I had this grandiose plan that I was going to go down to talk to my mayor and city hall and start something, some kind of community action group,” she said. “A few days later, I happened to be on Facebook and I saw a friend had posted about this organization called Braver Angels. I got on the website, and wow! They already did it, I don’t have to create it. I was probably on the website five or ten minutes before I became a member.” Braver Angels was co-founded by Bill Doherty, David Blankenhorn, and David Lapp in the wake of the toxic 2016 presidential campaign; it started when they gathered ten Trump voters and ten Clinton voters together in South Lebanon, Ohio, to help them talk to each other with respect and tolerance. That format became the template for the organization’s activities ever since— workshops balanced between people who, in the parlance of Braver Angels, “lean Red” and “lean Blue.” Not for nothing is Doherty a well-known, practicing family therapist: In many ways our national situation resembles a failing marriage, complete with accusations of infidelity and character assassination. Today, Braver Angels offers a whole suite of tools to help “bridge the partisan divide” and “strengthen our democratic republic.” It serves up nationwide, in-person experiences, and e-courses with titles like “Depolarizing Within” and “Skills for Social Media.” Its Braver Politics initiative offers training for local and national politicians who need help coping with ultra-polarized constituents and colleagues. Its debate program, hosted both online and in person, uses parliamentary rules to enforce civility. Braver Angels even facilitates one-onone conversations for people across various divides, connecting a rural American with an urban dweller, a senior citizen with a young adult, or, of course, a “Red” with a “Blue.” As its website says, “In Braver Angels, neither side is teaching the other or giving feedback on how to think or say things differently,” (italics original). It is emphatically not a preaching opportunity. But despite the effort to create a safe space, “Blues” are more plentiful in the Braver Angels ecosystem. Hesitancy to trust and a habit of withdrawing from conflict to avoid offending any potentially judgmental neighbors may keep some “Red” voices from participating. “You can have your voice heard, without being ‘canceled,’ reassures Miranda, who is now the Braver Angels co-coordinator for the state of Ohio, and who “leans Red.” “What I’ve found is the ‘Blues’ want to know! They really want to be interested in what the conservative voice is because, I think, it’s so hidden. If you turn on most media, it’s not really showing what the average conservative person thinks. So you give them a chance to see, ‘oh, you’re not that bad are you?’”

Why has disagreement transformed into dislike for so many of us? The problem is partly biological. Researchers have found that being confronted with contrary political beliefs launches a roller coaster for the nervous system, activating parts of our brain

RESEARCHERS HAVE FOUND THAT BEING CONFRONTED WITH CONTRARY POLITICAL BELIEFS LAUNCHES A ROLLER COASTER FOR THE NERVOUS SYSTEM, ACTIVATING PARTS OF OUR BRAIN ASSOCIATED WITH ANXIETY, FEAR, AND EMOTIONAL DISREGULATION. associated with anxiety, fear, and emotional dysregulation. We all know the accompanying feelings of dread, breathlessness, and anger. Even though it’s stress produced by our own bodies, it’s easy to associate that awful experience with the person who seems to be causing it.

In his book, Why We’re Polarized, Ezra Klein, the founder of Vox, says the real problem is that identity politics is practiced fervently by everyone these days, including the very folks who loudly condemn identity politics. Our political opinions have also come to symbolize unrelated culture cues, like education level, the music we listen to, the restaurants we visit, the books we read (or don’t read), our sex lives, and whether we believe in God. Voting is “virtue signaling,” and voting differently feels like we’re not just wrong—we’re bad people and a threat to each other’s very different ways of life. Perhaps due to my self-image as a professional writer, I myself treasure my identity as an independent who can’t be easily stereotyped. I want to value critical thinking and the ability to see multiple viewpoints. I enjoy relationships with people who don’t agree, which I think makes me better at my job. Sometimes, I worry that my attraction to my religion is that its teachings don’t fit neatly into worldly political categories. I clutch my third-party voting record like a protective amulet and strive to be “radically unoffendable.” But sometimes, I do get offended. For example: At one recent haircut appointment, I settled into the styling chair, looking forward to a relaxing hour on Planet Self Care, with no emails to answer and no adrenaline-inducing headlines to contend with. I really liked my stylist, who I’d been going to for a few months. She was hopefully the last stop on my quest to find somebody with the talent to cope with my postpartum hair, which tends to lie down on my head like a limp pancake. Our chit-chat took a turn, however, when I mentioned my sister, who was about to have an important ultrasound after enduring grueling infertility and pregnancy loss. My stylist replied with a monologue about prenatal blood tests and how some friends “got rid” of a fetus when the tests showed potential problems. “They were older parents,” she explained, over the roar of the blow drier. I looked at myself in the mirror, listening to the upbeat salon music, watching the blood drain out of my face. Relaxation, good-bye. Maybe, like me, you’ve lost a daughter to a genetic abnormality during pregnancy and developed a trauma response from dealing with folks who think you should be “grateful” for your miscarriage. Or maybe you’re frustrated with a culture that subjectively trashes disabled people as burdens with “low quality of life,” even though suffering is part of life for everyone, and we are all dependent on each other—even the rich and beautiful people, or the sleek and strong ones, who have so-called “high quality” experiences. But even if you can’t come along with me on that, I’m sure you understand why abortion wasn’t a subject I wanted to hear about during a hair appointment! There I sat, looking like a poodle with half its coat trimmed, heart

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thumping, throat tightening, mind racing. My nervous system was melting down; on an MRI, I’m sure my brain would have been lit up like a television. I did push back, commenting on the strong, tight-knit disabled community in my area. And I tipped my stylist properly. But for days, I stewed. Should I call and complain? Just cancel my next appointment? All of my “solutions” involved cutting this person out of my life, perhaps not so much for her attitude, as out of revenge for my discomfort. But was that really the right thing to do? LEAVE THEM WITH LOVE

Destiny Herndon-De La Rosa, who founded and runs the activist group New Wave Feminists has lots of experience dealing with the mental and emotional overwhelm caused by these types of conversations. Her work cuts across political boundaries, from advocacy against the death penalty, gun violence, and abortion to support for migrant women and their families. As an ardent antiTrump feminist, she brought her group to two Women’s Marches; when her work was highlighted in an Atlantic piece on inclusive feminism, she was booted from the March’s official partner list (but attended anyway). “I often realize the person I’m talking to hasn’t felt that their own humanity and experiences have been valued by others. And it’s really hard for them to respect the life of an unborn child when they’ve never received that type of affirmation for their own personhood,” Destiny told me. “Seldom do I ever ‘fight’ with people, or really even debate with them, which is when that frustrated feeling takes over our brains. Because I choose to see them as people who have been hurt, devalued, and ignored.” Although she’s a professed agnostic, she sees the wisdom in the Biblical advice to shake the dust off when encountering people seemingly bound and determined to misunderstand. “All we can do is plant seeds and challenge people’s inconsistencies when it comes to caring for all human life. But sometimes they’re not in a place to hear us just yet, and that’s okay,” she adds. “So I just leave them with love and hope that one day, after they’ve wrestled with the science and biology of new human life, they’ll start to come around. And because I haven’t totally torched that relationship, I’ll be there for them if they’d like to discuss it further. “But in my experience, forcibly proselytizing to closed ears and minds usually only makes them stay that way even longer. As Ram Dass says, ‘We’re all just walking each other home,’ and I want to be a good traveling companion for their whole journey, not just a short stint because they end up taking another road to avoid me.” Miranda sounds a similar note. “One of Braver Angels’ quotes is, ‘We’re not here to change your views or opinions, we’re here to

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change the way we think about other people.’ It’s more of a willingness to listen and not attack somebody, saying ‘Why do you think that way?’” she told me. “It’s more getting to know what happened in their life to make them think about immigration, or gun control,

ONE OF OUR QUOTES IS, “WE’RE NOT HERE TO CHANGE YOUR VIEWS OR OPINIONS, WE’RE HERE TO CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.” IT’S MORE OF A WILLINGNESS TO LISTEN, AND NOT ATTACK SOMEBODY, SAYING “WHY DO YOU THINK THAT WAY?”

conversations with ‘Blues,’ I would just sort of nod along. Now, I don’t do that any longer. I may just say, ‘I don’t agree with you,’” she advises. “If you’re getting into conversation and it’s getting heated, I think it’s time to stop. Just say, ‘Okay, I think we better walk away from this, take a deep breath, and maybe when we’re both in a happier mood, well fed, well rested, we can come back and start trying to have a civil discourse.’ I have a friend where it’s just off limits. It wasn’t worth risking our friendship. And it’s not a hit on anybody, but some people just prefer to stay away from it because they get a little heated about subjects.” This is especially the case for our loved ones who don’t have the tools to soothe their nervous systems or a willingness to experience tough conversations without taking offense. Practice is what helps us get better, and that’s what will really set off the hoped-for civil renewal. But for some, it’s a tall order. “I wish we could all talk, but that’s life,” says Miranda. “If I didn’t have any hope, I wouldn’t be involved in Braver Angels. I think we have to keep trying and trying.” She points to the Braver Network initiative, which is meant to broaden the movement beyond just one organization. It has more than 200 groups signed up, from universities to churches, to political clubs, and even a manufacturing company. “They’re all saying they have hope too,” she points out. Braver Angels’ name comes from Abraham Lincoln’s first inaugural address. In March 1861, he told Americans, “We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory . . . will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.” Notably, Lincoln’s appeal to conscience fell on deaf ears, and the Civil War began just a month later, unleashing a maelstrom of suffering and death. But history does not have to repeat itself. We have the opportunity to try a better way, which could make ourselves, our relationships, and our country happier and more whole. We have to be willing to learn new skills, tolerate discomfort, and take risks by participating. In short, we’ve got to try to be brave. Margaret Brady, an associate editor for Verily, is a graduate of the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism at Ohio University. She writes from the Cleveland, Ohio area.

or abortion the way they do. When you start listening to somebody’s story, they become more of a person to you. And it’s a little bit harder to hate people once you know about them.” She acknowledges that the wallflowers among us may feel it’s risky to take up space in discussions with ideologically mixed groups. “I know in the past when I was having

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P H OTO BY GE ORGE MARKS

STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS Want more peace and contentment? Practice everyday kindness. BY SARAH M. ROZ MAN, L P C

Have you noticed that people run red lights more frequently today than they did a few years ago? I’m not talking about scooting through a yellow light as it turns red. I’m talking about when the light for cross traffic is already green, yet a couple people are zipping through the red light like they don’t know what a brake pedal is for. I thought this might just be a phenomenon in my corner of the United States, until I heard a couple podcasters from states away making the same observation. (Data from the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety and the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety on increased deaths caused by running red lights also backs up this observation.) Running red lights is a notable break in the social contract. We depend on everyone to (more or less) follow the rules of the road to keep everyone safe. If there’s an increase in red-light running, that means fewer people are keeping the contract. Such a behavior also sends an implicit message: My needs are more important than anyone else on the road (or in the crosswalk). I have somewhere to be. I’m in a hurry. I’m texting a friend or changing the music, and I didn’t look up in time. It’s not just about running red lights, either. It’s leaving a mess in the public restroom stall, rather than cleaning up after oneself. It’s ignoring the cashier or the server, except to the extent they need your credit card. It’s making a commitment to your friends, only to back out last minute because something more interesting came up. Yet how much do we gain from this type of me-first mindset? I’ve often found

the person who blew past me at one light stopped beside me at the next. From what I can tell, a self-focused mindset is more likely to produce disappointment and disillusionment. When I place myself at the center of the universe, every little thing matters enormously. Why is that person driving so slowly? Can’t that person in the grocery store see that I’m waiting for them to get out of my way? Why is that person taking so long to count their change? Who pays in cash these days anyway? Ugh, why did I promise to meet up with so-and-so tonight? Anything that doesn’t align with my desires, with even my smallest expectations, can be a source of annoyance or pain. Other people can become obstacles rather than neighbors. None of this is conducive to peace of mind, nor does it leave space for joy. Why not? Because we’re made for more than just our own desires. We’re made for relationships and community. As human beings, we need each other. Just as my own needs are important, so are the needs of the people around me. Just as I benefit from self-care, so do others. Just as I need loving kindness, so does every person I encounter. When I bring that knowledge into my everyday awareness, I can allow myself to slow down and honor the people around me. When I take myself out of the center of the universe, I create space for others. I engage in the give-and-take of living among other humans. If I’m open to the opportunity, I can create greater peace within myself and for others. Applied to daily life, this doesn’t look like

an earth-shattering epiphany. It can, though, be a revolution of love in the little things. Opportunities are everywhere. I’ve had a random chit-chat with a cashier turn into a shared laugh. I’ve addressed issues at the car repair shop with both firmness and kindness, getting the results I need without anyone’s blood boiling. When I keep my commitment to a friend, even if another opportunity has come up, I respect my friend and my personal integrity. If I give myself more time to get ready in the morning, rather than rushing to get out the door, I’m more calm and less stressed as I start my day. All these things are good for me and for the people I encounter. Yes, some servers will indifferently give their menu recommendations. Some drivers might tailgate you if you’re not racing fast enough down the highway. Sometimes plans with friends will still fall through. The outcomes we get won’t always align with our efforts. It’s a disappointing consequence of living among imperfect human beings (ourselves included!). Yet life is made of many small moments, and those moments add up. Everyday kindness and courtesy pushes back against indifference and self-centeredness. By honoring the people around us, even the smallest encounters, we bring more light and love into the world. So next time you’re in an overwhelmed hurry to get to your destination, give yourself a gift: Take a deep breath, look at the people around you, and stop for the red light. Sarah Rozman, LPC, is a therapist in the Cleveland area.

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FIVE STEPS TO GETTING INVOLVED IN YOUR COMMUNITY How to show up for your city or neighborhood when you don’t know where to start. BY T I F FANY RE E D

Recently, I was talking to an older woman at my church who has lived in a historic part of the city with her family for a while. Recalling her earlier days in the neighborhood, she told me how she got to know many of her neighbors who had been actively engaged in the city of Waco . . . they had been so involved in the city that they had streets and fountains named after them! We both observed how this participatory mindset toward the city seems to have been lost. Many of us weren’t taught from a young age to think about civic habits or to make participation in our cities a regular part of our lifestyle. But citizens of previous generations understood that their city, their town, their neighborhood was an important sphere of responsibility. Even though this culture has faded, I think many of us share that belief and want to contribute to our neighborhood in a meaningful, sustainable way. But how do we do that? Figuring out how to participate more in our communities can feel overwhelming and it’s easy to feel paralyzed. Here are five steps to help you get started.

IL LUSTRATI ON BY L IZ GR A N T

01. CULTIVATE CURIOSITY

Take some time to learn about your city’s history, leaders, strengths, and weaknesses. Having this kind of context will help you speak with more empathy and humility, both of which are essential to

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advocating for resilience, especially if you’re new to a city. It’s also worthwhile to observe your city through your senses. When you can do so safely, put away your car keys and run an errand or two by walking, biking, or riding public transit. These forms of transit are slower and perhaps not the most convenient, so you’ll have to do some extra planning, but they will provide you with an invaluable new perspective on your city’s layout and design and inspire new curiosities that might bloom into routes of meaningful action.

02. FOLLOW YOUR STRENGTHS/INTERESTS/ FRUSTRATIONS These days, city leaders and residents are facing a variety of urgent issues from filling up pension funds to repairing streets and tackling food deserts, or neighborhoods that lack good access to nutritious, affordable food options. The challenges are endless, and there’s no way you’ll be able to participate in everything. Your next step will be carefully discerning which issues are actually best aligned to you. Take time to identify your strengths, values, and interests. When I was a car-free resident of Waco, improving the bikeability and walkability of Waco became a top issue for me. It’s a personal issue when I can’t cross a street safely, when sidewalks

randomly disappear, and when the streets are too dark to bike at night. It’s also important to think about your capacity in terms of time and resources available to contribute. Let these be your guide as you seek to identify opportunities for meaningful engagement.

03. FIND ALIGNMENT Exploring and observing your city should help you discover a few issues that you feel the most drawn to. Reconcile this list with your list of strengths and a realistic sense of your capacity and you should be able to narrow down your list to one main issue. It’s okay if it takes time: the goal is not to jump into the issue that seems the most urgent or trendy; the goal is to take a few small steps into an issue that aligns well with you. You might discover that you are more interested in gardening than tutoring students, or more passionate about transit than affordable housing. That’s okay: action rooted in your strengths and interests is likely to be much more long-lasting and sustaining for when things get hard. (Also, try not to spend time feeling bad about all the issues you’re not working on.)

04. CONDUCT CONTEXTUAL RESEARCH Once you’ve found your core issue, it’s now time to collect as much contextual research as possible. Dedicate a few minutes each week to researching the topic that interests you especially as it plays out in your city. Look for articles, blogs, historical accounts. You can even do your own interviews with people who have worked on this issue already. Some questions you should aim to answer during this phase are:

• • •

What is the historical context around this issue? Who are the important people connected to this issue? What is the political/financial context around this issue?

The goal is not to emerge with an academic-level understanding of the issue, just enough to feel confident as you move on to the next steps.

other like-minded people. Don’t go it alone.

BONUS TIP: EXPECT RESISTANCE I won’t beat around the bush: getting involved in your city will mean enduring all kinds of negative experiences. Some meetings will be long and boring. Processes will be confusing. Response times can be lengthy. Your good ideas will be resisted, misunderstood, modified and perhaps entirely ignored. In short, your resolve will be swiftly tested. You should expect this. In some ways, you can expect community involvement to be a long, boring, frustrating endeavor. Expect to perhaps not see results of your work—or at least not immediately. If you expect resistance ahead of time, it won’t be such a shock when that moment comes. Also, adopting this kind of “longhaul” determined mindset will help you identify truly sustainable actions, prepare for challenges, and prevent burnout.

ANOTHER BONUS TIP: KNOW YOUR “WHY” Your why is your philosophical reason why you take the time to engage with your city. Perhaps you draw from a certain body of political philosophy, your faith, environmental concerns, or a deep commitment to the future generation. Take time to think it through and write it down. Come back to it often and refine it as you learn more about this work. The why will keep you going. Perhaps this rung should be first, but I’ve found that the why often comes after you start taking action, so don’t wait for a deep philosophical epiphany before you get started. If you’re reading this, chances are you already know that being involved in your city is good for you and that’s enough to get started. More philosophical motivations will reveal themselves over time. I won’t promise that following these steps will get your name engraved on a street sign or fountain, but one hopes it will help you get a little bit closer to showing up in your community and sharing your unique gifts in greater civic participation. Tiffany Reed, Verily’s project manager, writes about urban design.

05. FIND AND/OR BUILD A TRIBE Once you’ve settled on one issue that energizes you and realistically assessed how much you’re able to invest, the next step is to find other people who share your interest. Advocating for change in our cities is no easy feat. You’re much more likely to stay motivated if you have at least one other person who shares your concerns and who is also willing to take action alongside you. This could take different forms: working with a friend, volunteering at a non-profit, or finding a local advocate and coming alongside them. Even if you don’t perfectly agree with their approach, you’re quite likely to learn something, meet new people and gain important skills. It may be the case that you may find yourself in an action-desert. In this case, look for opportunities to learn from people working on the same issue in other cities. The goal is the same: situate yourself alongside

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FIVE SHORT STORIES TO READ BEFORE BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING

01. “ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS” BY O. HENRY

When a young man named Gillian is left $1,000 by his late uncle, he spurns the money as being an insultingly small amount, as he knows his uncle was worth much more and had no heirs. A friend reminds him, “A thousand dollars would buy pure milk for one hundred babies during June, July, and August and save fifty of their lives. . . . It would furnish an education to an ambitious boy.” Gillian goes through a sort of change of heart as he starts to focus on what—and who—is really important in his life.

02. “AFTER THE RACE” BY JAMES

The following short stories share why it’s important to treat our money with respect BY M AD E L E IN E COY N E

Once a single day to enjoy early Christmas deals the day after Thanksgiving, Black Friday has evolved into a colossal, week-long (or longer) shopping event with retailers marketing to the masses well in advance of Thanksgiving. It’s hard to keep a spirit of gratitude for what you already have once the ads start popping up everywhere. Sometimes it is more effective to read a story about the damaging effects of spending money than it is simply to read statistics or opinions; without ever expressly saying so, the following stories share why it is important to treat our money with respect.

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JOYCE

Taken from Joyce’s book of short stories, Dubliners, “After the Race” tells the story of a group of lively young men who have just finished a car race and are driving back to Dublin to celebrate their victory. One young man, Jimmy, not only enjoys the “high” of the race, but the prestige of his company. Focusing on Jimmy, this short story reveals the effects of money and the desire for the status that comes with the possession of money. Jimmy has little respect for money, as his father has always given him more than he ever needed, and while it may seem like he “has it all,” it is eventually revealed that he certainly does not. Although this story has nothing to do with shopping, it serves as an example of what may happen if we allow money to master us, rather than being master of our money. Even if you win a few races, you won’t necessarily emerge a “winner.”

C U LT U R E

03. “WINTER DREAMS” BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

Dexter, a man from humble beginnings, is able to climb his way to success with a couple of smart financial investments. Once he makes it to the top, he meets a very wealthy, beautiful woman named Judy and is smitten. She toys with his emotions and those of other men, liking to keep them close but also at a distance. Although Judy seemingly has everything a young woman could dream of, she is decidedly unhappy. In one scene, she blurts out: “I’m more beautiful than anybody else . . . why can’t I be happy?” While unspoken, it becomes clear why she—and Dexter—find happiness to be so fleeting.

04. “DOUBLE BIRTHDAY” BY WILLA CATHER

In “Double Birthday,” the main characters share the same name and the same birthday: Albert is turning 55 on the same day that his Uncle Albert is turning 80. Neither man has ended up with much worldly success, and an old friend, Judge Hammersley, looks down upon them for not “amounting to more.” But while the Judge looks at them with disdain, his daughter Margaret has a different perspective. Despite their fall from wealth, both Alberts seem quite content to be exactly where they are. As she joins them for their humble birthday party, she toasts “I like you two better than anyone I know.”

05. “THE FALSE GEMS” BY GUY DE MAUPASSANT

This short story is a famous example of sometimesdeceptive appearances and the destructive nature of greed. It tells the story of Monsieur Lantin marrying an apparently modest, virtuous woman. However, the romance transforms into mystery upon her death, when he realizes perhaps she was not who he thought she was. While she was alive she was obsessed with imitation jewelry. He could never quite understand her desire to acquire more and more jewels to adorn herself with, and this bad habit of hers concerned him. As he discovers, it was more than just a bad habit. While it is more than possible to shop Black Friday sales without succumbing to greed or materialism, it is nevertheless helpful to find small reminders to stay grounded in what the season is truly about. I love unearthing subtle warnings written in novels and short stories, as I find them to be helpful motivations to “check myself” and consider the reason for—and amount of—my spending, especially during the holiday season. Madeleine Coyne is a stay-at-home mom and freelance writer in Cleveland.

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P H OTO BY H E L E N RUS H BROOK

MAKING A FRESH START:

LEVERAGE YOUR FALL A few “to-do’s” to make the best of this crisp season BY FAY SC HA E F F E R

In an oft-quoted line, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote in The Great Gatsby that “life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.” Fall has always felt this way to me: a fresh start, even as we are heading toward the end of the year. Perhaps this is a remnant of childhood days of back-to-school shopping, school schedules, new uniforms, and the like. But it’s no New Year’s Day: the fresh start of fall approaches without the cultural hype and call for self-awareness. And so before I know it, the chance to “start life over again” has passed me by, and my unwritten to-do list gets pushed to next fall. This year, I’m making a list of the things I want to remember to do as fall approaches. If you want to join me, here are a few ideas.

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01. SPRING/SUMMER CLOSET CLEAN-OUT

There’s no better time to get rid of old, tired, or just generally unloved clothing than when the season for wearing them ends. Take an hour to look over your closet and to assess what you haven’t worn this summer. Chances are, you didn’t wear it last summer either, and perhaps not the summer before that. If you wait until next spring, your winter-goggles may have you feeling optimistic about wearing that objectionable item of clothing—and it may clutter your wardrobe for another year! While you’re more disinterested, take the opportunity to pull unworn items from their hangers and either sell or donate them. And on that note. . .

02. FALL/WINTER WARDROBE ASSESSMENT

Over the past few years, I’ve worked on minimizing my clothing purchases. Often I find myself in the middle of the season facing some event or some unexpected weather situation—or even just hitting a mid-season sale!—and end up forking over money I had not planned to spend. You can avoid this pitfall by taking stock of your wardrobe as the season starts. Figure out what you have, what you need to replace, and what you need to add to the mix. Also look over your coats and other cold weather gear: do things need to be dry cleaned? Repaired? Look at your calendar, and get a bird’s eye view of the next few months: are there weddings coming up? Trips? Work conferences? Family events? What will you need to dress for? Heading into the season with a game plan will keep you from buying things you don’t need and help you plan for the purchases you do need to make.

03. CALENDAR THE FALL

Speaking of planning, this year I’m planning to plan ahead! Making a bucket list of fall-tivities is great, but those crisp, breezy days blow by so fast the season usually is over before I realize it’s begun! Make a list of things you want to do or need to do in the coming months, and look over the weeks and weekends so you can prioritize your top to-do’s.

04. PLANT BULBS

Every year I miss this, and every spring I mourn my forgetfulness. Planting season varies from place to place, but the universal rule is to plant bulbs “after the first frost,” which could mean anytime between September and November. Obviously, the earlier you plant, the sooner you get blooms, so maybe do a couple of staggered plantings to bring a little joy to March and May respectively. This year I will not fail! I’m planning to buy the bulbs at the first opportunity.

In addition to all these “to-dos” there are of course myriad fall-tivities to fill your days! But taking the opportunity to assess what you need to accomplish this season will set you up to enjoy the festive months ahead. Fay Schaeffer lives, writes, and teaches in Washington, D.C.

05. HOUSEHOLD PROJECTS

Fall cleaning is a wonderful and necessary commonplace. (By the end of summer, my house tends to be a bit of a wreck because summer keeps me out and about so much.) But larger household tasks sometimes fall by the wayside. So take stock! Do you need to clean your gutters? Windows? Screens? Caulk around windows and doors? Is it time to trim back the trees or hedges? Any outside DIY projects that need doing before severe cold sets in? Take stock of what you need to accomplish before winter to make sure the season is as comfortable as possible.

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P H OTO BY L AURE N H A N S E N

SWEETS & SCIENCE One woman’s journey from blogger to businesswoman BY K E L L I E B . MOORE

Baking wasn’t a big part of Tessa Arias’ upbringing. Now, it’s her full-time career. Arias is the founder of Handle the Heat (handletheheat.com), where she publishes original recipes for “sweet treats with a sprinkle of science.” It’s that scientific element that sets her apart from so many other recipe creators out there. She explains the “why” behind different ingredients and techniques—what sugar does, aside from adding sweetness; why metal baking pans are superior to glass ones; and how muffins turn out differently with just baking soda, just baking powder, or both. Her readers not only end up with a delicious dessert, but also a serving of knowledge. Over the years, Handle the Heat has developed a strong following—roughly 1.5 to 2 million page views per month, depending on the time of year. But when Arias started the site 14 years ago, she didn’t set out to build a business. It started as a fun creative outlet.

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FROM KITCHEN TO CULINARY SCHOOL

When Arias was in high school, her parents split up. She lived with her mom, and she started helping with grocery shopping and cooking to help alleviate some of her mom’s stress. Her mom didn’t particularly enjoy shopping and cooking, but teenage Arias did. She was also obsessed with Food Network, so she started experimenting in the kitchen. When she wasn’t excited about what her mom had planned for dinner, she found ways to enhance it. She dove into cookbooks and magazines, and she started seeking out food bloggers. When she started college, she didn’t have a strong sense of direction. She desperately needed a creative outlet, so she decided to start a blog of her own: Handle the Heat. “I just needed somewhere to put some of that energy I had that just wasn’t focused at that moment of my life,” she said. Then, in 2010, a recipe she posted went viral on StumbleUpon. Suddenly, that recipe had an average daily pageview count of 500 views.

“That’s when I started to recognize the power of the internet,” Arias said. She began to realize that maybe Handle the Heat could be something more than a creative outlet. Perhaps she could leverage it as a step toward another opportunity—it would make a great online portfolio and would give her credibility. She was thinking about a career in food media, like working for a publishing house test kitchen or as a writer for a food magazine. While in college, Arias decided to go to culinary school simultaneously. “I felt as though I needed some external validation of skill, and mastery of said skills,” she said. Unlike her culinary school peers, she didn’t want to work in a restaurant or pastry shop. “I knew I was more interested in translating my knowledge into something that might help other people,” she said. A BOOK AND A BREAKTHROUGH

One day, a literary agent contacted her through her website. Arias thought the

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message was spam, so she deleted it. “Who thinks I can write a cookbook? I’m 20 years old,” Arias said at the time. But the agent reached out again, and after a quick Google search, Arias realized that this was, in fact, a legitimate literary agent. That’s when she realized that Handle the Heat had the potential to become a business. She wrote her first cookbook, Cookies & Cream, which was all about ice cream sandwiches. The advance was enough to cover her culinary school education. One skill that she honed through that experience was professional recipe writing—something that’s much harder and more nuanced than it may seem. “It’s a skill,” she said. She also learned how to withstand the rigors of the editing process with a publishing house. “It really broke the inner perfectionist in me to go through the experience of working with an editor that rips apart all your drafts and redlines everything,” Arias said. “But I’m so glad for the experience because it taught me how to handle it.” In 2013, Arias had a big year: Cookies & Cream was finally published, and she graduated with her degree in interdisciplinary studies and her culinary degree. But she wasn’t making much money. The book wasn’t selling well, and she was still working her college retail job at Sur la Table. She had applied to different food media jobs, but she couldn’t afford to move to a bigger city. Her hometown in Arizona didn’t have a big food media presence. She set a goal: Commit to Handle the Heat full-time for the summer and see if she could match her Sur la Table income. She went on leave from Sur la Table, so if monetizing the blog didn’t work out, she could go back. For the first time, Handle the Heat had her full time and attention. As one of her projects, she wrote “The Ultimate Guide to Chocolate Chip Cookies,” an article that detailed different cookie outcomes based on specific changes to a recipe, like adding extra flour, chilling the dough for 24 hours, or melting the butter. She also provided photos of each outcome, so readers could see the differences she was talking about. The article went viral. Within three months, it had gotten hundreds of thousands of views and was featured on NPR, Glamour, and elsewhere. “I was not prepared for the massive influx of people that suddenly came to the site from this one thing that I had done,” she said. “But all my creative energy was invested in it at that time, and something magical came out of it, and so within that summer I had surpassed my goals.” The viral moment wasn’t the only surprise of the summer. A local ad agency was piloting a new program involving influencer YouTube channels and sponsored content. They paid Arias a monthly fee to produce videos for

her own channel. That meant she had some steady, dependable income. Since that summer, Handle the Heat has been her full-time job. GROWING THE BUSINESS

One of Handle the Heat’s biggest income drivers is display ads. “They are annoying, but they make the content free for the user,” Arias said. She has had some sponsorship deals, too. The company has also started investing in product development, both digital and physical. “It’s a completely different business model than creating free content and then exchanging that for ad revenue,” she said.

“I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THE MASSIVE INFLUX OF PEOPLE THAT SUDDENLY CAME TO THE SITE FROM THIS ONE THING THAT I HAD DONE.” In the past few years, Arias has released a self-paced video course that teaches the fundamentals of baking, launched a digital baking school experience that gives users more in-depth knowledge, and published a second book: The Ultimate Cookie Handbook. She also developed an apron, which she sells in her online shop. As the company has grown, she has sought out guidance from those who have more experience and can mentor her, and she has hired additional people to help with the workload—Handle the Heat now has four employees, including Arias, plus some contractors. Knowing the pace at which to grow has sometimes posed a challenge. “New ideas might have to be put on the backburner until you have more resources to execute on them fully,” she said. “I wish that I could go back

in time sometimes and tell my past self to have a little bit more patience to just wait until you can do it with more ease and more joy, as opposed to having to grind and hustle and force things into place because I was too impatient.” DEVELOPING BOUNDARIES AND ENJOYING DESSERT

One thing readers won’t find at Handle the Heat is recipe substitutions—she has a firm “no substitutions” policy. Arias’ recipes are meticulously developed and tested, and she knows well that when one ingredient changes, the entire makeup of the recipe changes. She doesn’t do “diet” recipes to cater to the latest trends, and she knows there are other creators who have more expertise on allergen swaps. In the past, when she would post “healthier” recipes per people’s request, they would “die on the vine.” She came to realize that either people didn’t agree with her interpretation of “healthy,” or they didn’t actually want the recipes—it just sounded good to ask for them. Those recipes typically aren’t as satisfying as the real thing—something Arias has learned personally as she has walked her own journey with diet culture and body-image issues. “I’m so much happier and more satisfied when I allow myself to enjoy the exact thing that I want, instead of a version of it that maybe is lower calorie, lower fat, sugar-free— whatever the fad is at the time,” she said. When we deprive ourselves, she said, the thing we’re craving can become an obsession, because we never just “close the loop of desire” by letting ourselves have the sensory experience of enjoying it. “When I started to identify that as part of my own life, I realized it was something that had to be translated in the brand,” she said. “And it was scary at first, because people are very opinionated, and it can be very loud on the internet.” But now that she’s established that boundary and stuck to it, people don’t ask her about diet substitutions as much. She thinks many have self-selected out and found others who have what they are looking for, which has allowed her to build a stronger connection with those who share a similar philosophy. Baking—and enjoying the results—is a full sensory experience: the smell, the taste, the texture. Food brings up memories. It connects us. “I always think about the fact that babies’ first connection in the world is being fed, and the human bond that they express and experience from that—that means something,” Arias said. “Food is not just fuel. It means so much more than that. It’s our first experience of love in this world, and so honoring that—I’m still passionate about that. It makes life worth living.” Kellie B. Moore is Verily’s web managing editor.

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ACCELERATE YOUR FINANCIAL GOALS WITH A

DEBT PAYOFF PLAN

If you’re stressed about interest resuming on student loans, making a strategic plan can help you regain control. BY TAT I ANA QU I ROGA

After three years of forbearance as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, student loan interest resumed on September 1, with payments due in October. If you’re one of the 43 million borrowers with student loan debt, now is the time to make key decisions about your household budget and financial goals. If you anticipate struggling with your student loan payments, you’re not alone. While the average federal student loan debt balance is $37,717, being in debt can be burdensome and stressful for many people, no matter the amount. There are several different repayment plans that you can explore, including an income-driven or a graduated plan, that can lower your standard monthly payments. Alternatively, if you have the means and the motivation, there are several reasons you may consider getting ahead and paying off your student loans sooner rather than later. Reaching debt-free status or paying off certain types of debt (like student loans) often represents a level of financial freedom and relief for many people. One study from the University of Georgia found that student loan debt can lead to or exacerbate mental health issues. Being in debt can also give way to frustration and a sense of dread when you know interest is accruing and compounding. Paying off your debt in advance of your set terms decreases the overall interest amount you pay on your principal debt (in some cases by a big chunk of cash) and can restore 38

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greater financial peace and a sense of security. If you would like to accelerate reaching that end goal, starting with a strategic plan is a wise move and an empowering and effective first step. Building a roadmap helps you regain control in the face of what can seem very daunting and overwhelming. Plus, it adds transparency into your situation, gives you concrete steps to tackle, and paves the way for you to spot visible progress. One of the fundamental steps of building a debt payoff roadmap is deciding on an approach for managing debt. Aside from debt consolidation (combining multiple loans into one), there are two main methods of debt payoff. THE DEBT SNOWBALL

Overview: In this approach, you list your debts in order from lowest to highest and then concentrate on paying them off sequentially through extra payments (while continuing minimum payments on the others). After you pay one loan, the amount equal to its former minimum payment is rolled into paying off the next, and so on. PROS: The power of psychology is the big benefit here. As you cross your loans off the list, you trigger positive emotions, which in turn reinforces your commitment and elevates your motivation. CONS: You will spend more money overall because of interest rates.

Ask yourself: Are you motivated by small wins and quick progress? If you feel particularly overwhelmed and need a victory sooner rather than later to keep you energized, the debt snowball will probably be best for you.

A STEP-BY-STEP PROCESS FOR BUILDING YOUR

DEBT PAYOFF ROADMAP

THE DEBT AVALANCHE

Overview: You list your debts in order of interest rate (highest to lowest) and allocate any extra funds to your debts to pay them off in this order (while continuing minimum payments on the others). After you pay one loan, the amount equal to its former minimum payment is rolled into paying off the next, and so on. PROS: You will spend less money overall because of interest rates.

Paying off your debt can seem intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be an unattainable goal. Take a few minutes to schedule a one-hour financial session where you can complete the following steps:

CONS: If your debt with the highest interest rate is a large amount, you may become discouraged, lose momentum, and revert back to only taking care of minimum payments. Ask yourself: Do you have the dedication and discipline required to sustain this approach? Do you have a debt with a very high interest rate that you’re excited to pay off? The savings advantage may make this a clear winner for you. It can be confusing and challenging to choose one approach, but there isn’t a right or wrong path—only a best-fit course for you. If you’re on the fence about which route may be more effective in your situation, try tapping into your gut. Which approach do you feel you might be more intuitively successful with? Think back to past goals and accomplishments from school, the professional sector, or your personal life. Does experience show that you do well facing mountains head-on, or are you more likely to gain energy and motivation by seeing quick wins? No matter what you decide initially, you could always switch it up down the line if you don’t see the progress you’re hoping for.

1. GET CLEAR ON YOUR DEBT

Make a list of all your debts, their interest rates, and any fixed end dates (i.e. your student loan may be on track to be paid off through minimum payments in 2033). 2. DECIDE ON A PAYOFF APPROACH

Think through the two popular approaches, their benefits and drawbacks, and do some research or talk to people you trust. Then, figure out how much you could devote to extra payments for your debt (beyond minimum payments). For example, maybe your monthly minimum payments add up $300, but you could put $100 more toward debt payoff. 3. SPELL OUT YOUR DEBT GOALS

Write down exactly what you want to accomplish and when. Be as specific as possible: “I will be completely debt-free by 2026” or “I will finish paying off all my student loan debt two years from now.” 4. BREAK DOWN YOUR GOALS

Add in some mile markers to your overall goal so you can notice and celebrate incremental strides. For example, if you have $10,000 in debt, you could break that up into five $2,000 portions.

Tatiana Quiroga is a digital marketer by day and freelance writer by night.

5. DETERMINE REWARDS FOR BOTH SMALL AND BIG WINS

Choose how you will celebrate meeting your goals in advance. This will give you something to visualize and will propel you forward. 6. STAY COMMITTED TO THE COURSE

P H OTO BY AA R ON T HO M AS

Paying off debt requires sacrifice. Your discretionary spending may need to decrease so you can allocate more money toward your debt balances. You may decide to fold your tax returns, monetary gifts, bonuses at work, etc. into paying off debt. Keep in mind your long-term goals, your rewards, and the freedom and relief that are on the horizon.

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P HOTOS COURTESY OF WI LDFLOWER I LLUSTR ATI ON CO.

KEEPING THE ART OF LETTER-WRITING ALIVE IN THE MODERN AGE An interview with Wildflower Illustration Co. founder, Rebecca McMillan S OP H I E C AL DE COT T

Rebecca McMillan is a British illustrator who runs a stationery business called Wildflower Illustration Co. with her husband Karl in the heart of the Cotswolds in the UK. The couple believe in the power of a handwritten note to brighten someone’s day or capture a shared memory; in an increasingly digital world, they hope their cards and stationery will spread a little joy in mailboxes around the world. There is something fundamentally different about receiving a hand-written letter or card than receiving an email or text, and we all know this on a deep, instinctive level when we hold an envelope containing a note from a loved one in our hands. In a world where we can often feel a sense of dread and overwhelm opening up a

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full email inbox, receiving mail can prompt a feeling of childlike joy in the most weary of adults’ hearts. It’s not just the act of receiving a card in the post that is transformative, either; sitting down to choose some stationery and write a note can have a positive effect on the letterwriter, too. Putting pen to paper encourages you to slow down and think about the words that you want to choose more carefully than shooting off a text. And even if you don’t manage to write anything particularly profound, a card is a tangible reminder in your hands (and theirs) that you care about someone and have a physical connection with them.

Rebecca’s watercolor designs are inspired by nature and her travels, as she seeks out tiny pockets of beauty in the world around her. Wildflower Illustration Co.’s cards are adorned with delicate paintings of shells, seaweed, buckets and spades, wildflowers, birds eggs, and all kinds of details that draw your eye to the little things, while also conveying the atmosphere and emotion of summer holidays or cozy winter days by the fireside. The couple also runs a stationery subscription service called the Wildflower Paper Club; members receive a monthly box of stationery (cards, note paper, stickers decorated with seasonal motifs) and some writing prompts to encourage them to put pen to paper and

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nurture their relationships with a little snail mail. “We started the Wildflower Paper Club because we want to see more love-letters and tokens of friendship in this frantic and digital-driven world,” the couple share. “A handwritten card through the post can mean so much more than a quick text on a birthday or a message to say you hope they’re feeling better. A card or letter is a tangible reminder of the fact that you took time out of your day to think of someone. And often we don’t do it enough.” Building a habit of connecting with friends and family this way might seem simple, but it truly is powerful. As one of their Paper Club members explained, “I now never miss a single birthday, and it has inspired me to turn to writing letters rather than emails.” Caring for the environment as well as for our relationships and mental health is at the heart of Wildflower Illustration Co. While at first these two concerns might seem to be in tension, Rebecca and Karl have found a way to balance them, offsetting the environmental impact of their business by using sustainably sourced paper, and funding the planting of new trees. Founded in 2015 as an online business, Rebecca and Karl have recently bought a physical shop which they have been painstakingly renovating, and they are excited to welcome customers in their local town of Cheltenham soon. Curious about their experience as a physical paper product business in the digital age, we asked Rebecca to share some of her thoughts about screen addiction, the art of letter writing, and the role stepping offline and back to physical paper products can play in helping us to nurture our relationships and care for our mental health.

able to make calls and texts, and made my husband promise that he wouldn’t give my iPhone back even if I asked for it. That two week detox period was euphoric for me and it’s a feeling I always return to. I felt SO incredibly free, connected with my family, and had so much more space for appreciating the little moments. I have a vivid memory of gazing up at the sky in the park, watching birds swoop and realizing how many tiny, incredible details I had been missing every single day. It allowed me to tune back into life again. I actually created a whole stationery box: “Birdsong: A kit for reconnection in a digital age” which is a gentle guide using everything I learned from my experience, for people who

WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH PHONE ADDICTION LIKE?

I imagine that I had probably (like many!) been using my phone too much for many years before I really recognized it as a problem. As an avid and early adopter of Instagram I think this was probably where it started, but in the early days I mostly just laughed it off as something I knew I spent too much time on. However, it was around the first Covid-19 lockdown that I realized that being on my phone so much was making me feel worse, and was something I needed to tackle. I was obsessively looking at Covid news stories, watching the case numbers rise, and it was something I knew I needed to actively disconnect from to allow more space for joy and connection into my life. HOW DID YOU DEVELOP A HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PHONE, AND DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR PEOPLE WANTING TO SPEND LESS TIME ONLINE?

My first step was actually to do a complete detox. I purchased a phone that was only

in a way that no other written communication is able to. As one of my favorite quotes [by Phyllis Theroux] puts it: “To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.” AS A SUCCESSFUL ONLINE BUSINESS, WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO OPEN UP A PHYSICAL SHOP? WHAT EXCITES YOU THE MOST ABOUT THIS NEW PHASE FOR YOUR BUSINESS?

We have always said that being an online only business has felt a bit paradoxical for us, because there we are talking about the importance of holding something in your hands, but we have to try and convince people through a screen. We are so excited for people to be able to see and touch our products before buying them, and as a complete stationery lover myself I am so excited to create a “candy shop” feel where we can hopefully inspire people to write more letters and cards themselves and to spread some paper joy! There is also the community aspect, that is probably the most exciting thing of all. Karl and I came from pretty social careers (I trained as a lawyer, and he as a teacher), and though we did love the slower pace, we often found it a bit lonely working out in our remote Cotswold studio. I think another lesson from lockdown for us, and since having our daughter, is how important community is. We already feel a new sense of lightness and belonging from our months of meeting the regular faces on our street, and we are so excited to meet more locals and to welcome some inside for a variety of creative workshops and classes. WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE STILL WILLING TO SPEND THE EXTRA TIME AND MONEY

want a bit of hand-holding on their way to a less digitally connected life. But my top free advice would just be to try and leave your phone at home at least once a day and get out on a walk without it. DID YOU NOTICE A CHANGE IN PEOPLE’S LETTER-WRITING HABITS IN 2020 THROUGHOUT THE LOCKDOWNS?

Yes, absolutely! We had a real boom of people sending thoughtful cards and it was really heartwarming. We created a special range called “Cards for hard times” with messages such as “We’ll be together soon” and “One day this will all be a memory.” I think people recognized during that time that paper connections can bridge time and space

SENDING SNAIL MAIL? WHAT ARE SOME OF THE BENEFITS THEY EXPERIENCE CONNECTING WITH EACH OTHER THIS WAY?

I think it’s that message that we learned from lockdown; that despite all of our technological advances, I don’t really think that screens can transfer that absolute magic of human connection and tenderness that comes across in a letter or card. There is no text, call, or FaceTime that can replace the experience. It’s the thought behind it, the time taken, and the real intentionality and authenticity of it. Sophie Caldecott is the creative director of Verily Magazine.

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LIFESTYLE

HOLIDAY RECIPE:

CINNAMON PUMPKIN PIE OATMEAL PARFAIT (GLUTEN-FREE, DAIRY-FREE, SOY-FREE, AND VEGAN)

This jar-filled breakfast tastes as good as it looks. BY A M I E VA LP O N E

The idea of a gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free and vegan treat that is delicious to boot, can seem too good to be true. But this jar-filled breakfast tastes as good as it looks. When you serve this festive parfait up to guests, they might believe you have hidden Martha Stewart away in your pantry. This parfait has the sweetness you crave in the early hours, the fuel you’ll need to make it through the holidays—and a chance to incorporate pumpkin spice whenever you feel like it!

PREP TIME: 5 minutes COOK TIME: 5 minutes SERVES: 1 INGREDIENTS

3/4 cup almond milk such as Almond Breeze 1 cup gluten-free oats 1/8 tsp. almond extract 1/2 cup dairy-free coconut yogurt 2 tbsp. gluten-free granola such as Bakery On Main 1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon 1/4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice 1/4 tsp. coconut flakes DIRECTIONS

In a small saucepan, add 3/4 cup almond milk and 1 cup of oats.

Cook over medium heat until the mixture is thick, approximately 3 minutes

Remove from heat; add almond extract and pumpkin pie spice, and mix well to combine. Set aside.

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P H OTO BY A M IE VA L P ON E

In a parfait glass or tall jar, layer cooked oats, yogurt, and granola. Top with cinnamon and coconut flakes. Serve chilled.

TWO WARM DRINKS FOR FALL BY HA R UKA SA KAGUCHI

BOURBON CHAI SERVES: 4 WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

4 green cardamom pods, crushed 4 whole black peppercorns, crushed 4 bags black tea, paper and string removed 4 whole allspice berries, crushed 4 whole cloves 2 star anise 1 cinnamon stick 1/4 whole nutmeg, chopped 1” piece of fresh ginger, peeled and thinly sliced 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped, seeds and pod

P HOTO BY M E L ISSA M IL IS P H OTOGRA P H Y

reserved 3 cups hot water 3 cups unsweetened almond milk 1/4 cup honey or agave syrup

HONEY POMEGRANATE MULLED WINE

1/2 cup spice-forward bourbon SERVES: 4 DIRECTIONS

1. 2.

Combine tea, spices, ginger, vanilla bean seeds,

2 cups pomegranate juice

and pod, and hot water in a saucepan.

1 bottle of red wine (use a low to mid-range Zinfandel

or Cabernet for best results)

Place over medium-high heat and bring to a simmer. Whisk in almond milk and honey (or

¼ cup raw honey

agave).

1 cinnamon stick

Bring to a simmer once again, then remove from

1 teaspoon whole cloves

heat and steep for 10-15 minutes. 4.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

Strain through a fine-mesh sieve or cheesecloth-

DIRECTIONS

lined strainer. Press down on solids to extract

Combine all of the ingredients in a large pot.

flavors.

Slowly warm over low heat, stirring frequently to dissolve the honey. Do not let boil.

Ladle mixture into 4 individual mugs and portion bourbon into each.

Keep over heat for 40 minutes before serving

Serve hot in a mug or heat-safe mason jar.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

LIFESTYLE

FOUR RECIPES YOU CAN COMMIT TO MEMORY Sometimes, simple is best. BY LAUR A LO K E R

I love trying new recipes, but there’s something very comforting about cooking the same thing over and over again. Instead of measuring ingredients and chopping vegetables haltingly as you refer to the recipe, the process becomes one easy rhythm. You learn that the amount of time it takes for your oven to preheat is just enough to prep the chicken; you don’t forget to turn on the rice until it’s too late; you can forgo measuring spoons when it comes to the spices. It’s not only easier and more relaxing, but more efficient, too. And having a handful of these recipes in your repertoire is helpful even before you begin cooking. If you find yourself grocery shopping without a list, or if the store has run out of a key ingredient for a meal you planned to make, you can fall back on a recipe you’ve committed to memory. Of course, some recipes lend themselves to memorization far more readily than others. These are a few that are stashed in my own mental cookbook.

HUMMUS-CRUSTED CHICKEN “Crusted” is somewhat aspirational, as I’ve never actually been able to get the hummus to form a crust on this chicken. But that’s okay—it’s still delicious. This recipe features chicken breasts (though I prefer boneless skinless thighs), hummus (try a garlic or red pepper variety for extra flavor), and smoked paprika, and that’s it. Spread the hummus over the chicken, top it off with the paprika, bake it, and then broil it for a minute or two at the end. It’s delicious on its own or over rice, and leftovers are great for salads or wraps. Find the recipe at thekitchn.com.

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • FA L L 2023

LIFESTYLE

CREAMY MUSHROOM RAMEN I have become something of an evangelist for this recipe—hence I’m putting it in this roundup, even though it’s very much spring where I live, and I probably won’t make it again until the fall. But for anyone who likes to eat soup on an overcast (if warm) day, or whose locale is still in that postwinter defrost, read on. This recipe is a creamy, umami take on the ramen you may have eaten in college. And it’s almost as quick to make: after sautéing baby bella mushrooms, you basically just cook the noodles in veggie broth (also of note: this recipe is vegan) and add coconut milk and spinach. There. I just told you how to make it. The actual instructions are at budgetbytes.com. Note that it’s written to yield one serving, though it’s very easy to scale up.

MEXICAN BAKED FISH Fish tacos are delicious, but I typically only eat them when I’m at a restaurant. This recipe, however, is essentially deconstructed fish tacos—same taste, but easier to prepare and eat. On top of a few fish fillets, you add salsa, cheese, and crushed tortilla chips, and then bake it. It sounds simple, and it is, but it is so, so good. Find the recipe at allrecipes.com. And consider picking up a few frozen cod or tilapia fillets next time you’re at the grocery store to keep on hand.

KALUA PORK

P H OTO BY RYAN B ROW N

I find myself in a chicken rut all too often, so lately I’ve been trying to mix things up with shredded pork. This slow cooker recipe is so easy that it quickly became a regular in our house, especially to start the week off strong with leftover meat for rice bowls, sandwiches, and salads. It calls for liquid smoke and Hawaiian sea salt. (I do not have the latter, and it’s always turned out great with regular sea salt.) Liquid smoke can be found in most grocery stores or online, and it adds a beautiful depth of flavor that’s almost as good as a grill. As for cuts of meat: pork shoulder is the best, but pork loin is excellent, and pork tenderloin will do (just make sure you don’t overcook it, as it’s not nearly as fatty and can easily dry out). Find the recipe at ourbestbites.com

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

4 FALL SUPERFOODS TO ADD TO YOUR PANTRY (THAT AREN’T PUMPKIN) Because pumpkins are great, but you can’t eat them all the time. BY L I NDSAY S C H L E GE L

Whether we like it or not, pumpkin is everywhere these days—in lattes, cereals, hummus, and even on pizza! From a nutritional standpoint, pumpkin’s ubiquity can be justified. In its purest form, it’s a great source of fiber, low cal, and because it’s 90 percent water, helps keep you hydrated. With vitamins A and C and a couple of winning antioxidants, it’s no wonder that pumpkin has taken culinary center stage.

But there is far more to fall than pumpkin, of course. Autumn = bright harvests and a host of warm, inviting flavors to keep you cozy as temperatures cool and the holiday season approaches. Not only do the autumnal superfoods below taste good, but they’re also good for you. Fall in line, pumpkins. You’ve got some worthy competition.

P HOTO BY LUM IN A

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

LIFESTYLE

01. SWEET POTATOES

02. CRANBERRIES

If the orange hue doesn’t evoke pumpkin panic, sweet potatoes are another excellent choice from the farm. Like pumpkins, they’re rich in fiber and vitamin A. They’re also relatively low in sodium, and while they have more sugar than white potatoes, they are lower in calories.

If the only way you know cranberries is that canned gelatinous stuff at Thanksgiving, prepare to be amazed. Fresh cranberries can last up to two months in the refrigerator. With only 45 calories per cup, they are also a great source of fiber and vitamin C, not to mention disease-fighting antioxidant powerhouses. And who doesn’t want to strengthen her immunity as the sniffles start to spread?

PRO TIPS: Try pricking one with a fork and baking at 400° for about forty minutes, or until tender. Slice in half and top with a small dab of butter and a dash of cinnamon for a simple side. For a French fry alternative, cut a sweet potato into matchsticks, coat in olive oil, garlic powder, and paprika and roast at 350° for about thirty minutes.

PRO TIPS: Dried cranberries are yummy on cereal or in oatmeal, but mind the added sugar, or you’ll take in more calories than you intended. Use fresh cranberries in your favorite muffin or bread recipe, or make a sauce to top a simple chicken or pork dish. The gorgeous color and tangy flavor will convert you from canned crans in an instant.

03. POMEGRANATES

04. CINNAMON

Don’t be intimidated by the thought of breaking into a pomegranate. Proper technique just entails a sharp knife and a bowl of water. The arils, or edible seeds of a pomegranate, are packed with fiber, vitamins C and K, potassium, and even protein. Pomegranates are also lauded for their antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties.

For many of us, the spicy sweet aroma is inexplicably comforting. But the spice’s value runs deeper than nostalgia. For centuries, cinnamon has been extolled for its anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, antiviral, and antifungal properties. Current research suggests it may also benefit women suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), by helping to manage insulin resistance and heavy menstrual bleeding.

PRO TIPS: With a sharp knife slice the top and bottom off the pomegranate. Lightly score six slices around the skin (as if you were slicing through an orange). Gently pull each section apart with your hands. Dunk one section at a time into a bowl of water and gently pry the seeds off the white membrane (the arils will fall to the bottom and the membranes will float to the top for you to discard later). Once you’ve deseeded your fruit (or opened the package of prepared arils from the produce section), snack on the seeds alone, or toss them into yogurt or onto a salad. Crush the seeds in a blender and push the pulp through a sieve until it’s drinkable. Sip it alone or use it to flavor a juicy fall cocktail. Two poms will yield about a cup of juice.

PRO TIPS: Look for “Cinnamomum verum,” also known as “Ceylon cinnamon,” the next time you’re in the spice aisle. The more common variety, termed “Cinnamomum cassia,” “Chinese cinnamon,” or “Cassia cinnamon,” that you probably have in your pantry already, does not have the same nutritional profile and won’t offer as many benefits. Don’t overdo it either; large doses (more than 6 grams or 1 1/2 teaspoons per day) of cinnamon can be toxic. Rather, sprinkle some in your coffee or tea, and incorporate the spice into sweet and savory dishes where you can.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

DECORATING FOR THE SEASON:

CREATING A COZY, NEUTRAL CANVAS Simplifying holiday decor can refresh the senses. BY FAY S CHA E F F E R

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

As October rolls in, we begin the threemonth season of holidays that brings us from the end of one year into the beginning of the next. As the seasons change and these holidays approach, we find our lifestyles changing too. The lengthy, languid summer days and even longer summer nights are replaced by brisk days and early dusks; beer gardens and beach days give way to museum excursions and fireside evenings curled up with a good book and a cup of tea. While the change of the seasons draws us outside for hiking and color appreciation, it also pushes us indoors as the temperatures drop and the days grow shorter. As we look ahead to the months we’ll spend indoors, we naturally want to make our home a place we love to be. Plus, the holidays are fast approaching, and the home should be decked accordingly! But how do we keep a home from feeling like a magazine spread for the seasons? I don’t know about you, but while extensive displays of fall colors and piles of pumpkins are fun to look at, I find them highly distracting to live with. And since there are so many holidays coming up, it’s nice to have a home-space that can work with all of them. For all these reasons, I like to keep my fall decorating fairly minimal and neutral, so that my home is like a blank canvas: you can shift explicitly holiday items in and out while maintaining a tranquil space in which to live your life. Below are some ideas for how to make your home feel like fall without feeling like you live in a Michael’s craft store!

P H OTO BY N ATAŠA M A N D IĆ

01. INSTEAD OF ORANGE PUMPKINS…

04. REPLACE BRIGHT LIGHTS WITH...

Go for white, yellow, and green gourds! These are so diverse in their coloring, shape, and texture that they’ll always feel “unique” to your home. I always like to buy real ones rather than fake ones because you can eat the real ones when it’s time to retire them!

Dimmer, warmer bulbs. Use candles when you can! You can often find vintage candlesticks at a local thrift store. You can also use festive lanterns with either tea lights or mini wire twinkle lights inside for an outdoor feel inside.

02. INSTEAD OF MUMS OR OTHER FALL

05.

FLORALS…

PRINTS…

Try seed pods and eucalyptus! Last year I found myself coveting various kinds of seed-podson-sticks that I saw at Trader Joes. I splurged for a couple bunches, and they were worth every penny. They are seasonal and natural but in a modern, geometric way that felt relevant well into the spring.

03. INSTEAD OF PUMPKIN SPICE CANDLES…

If your house will already be full of the smells of seasonal cooking, try steering clear of foodforward scents. Instead, keep the mood warm with vanilla, clove, amber, sandalwood, cedar, cardamom, and the like.

INSTEAD

SEASONALLY

LIMITED

Try building cozy textures into your home decor. Simply having things like cozy blankets around will give your home a “decorated for fall” vibe. Pick a bright tartan or a cozy fauxfur to add some luxury to your at-home time. It’s also great to break out some fresh kitchen towels, tablecloths, and napkins (or invest in them) to keep the season going all through the home. With a few moves like these, you can transition your home from summer bright to fall cozy, creating a seasonally-appropriate space you’ll love to be in all winter long

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THIS THERAPIST SAYS FALL IS BETTER THAN NEW YEAR’S FOR MAKING REAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE Don’t let this pivotal season pass you by. BY L AU RE N RAB I N

For most of us, Fall is spent enjoying everything pumpkin and prepping for the holidays. We won’t think about new workout routines—or a dating life overhaul—until after New Years. But resolution-making is gaining traction at the start of the “School Year,” rather than the “New Year.” Why? Because your mind is primed to take on new challenges right now. Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Katie Jackson describes fall as a time when priorities shift. Summer is a season of hectic schedules, vacations, and social gatherings, especially in regions that experience all four seasons. Add to that the typical fallstart academic system, where most of us have spent 10 to 15 years being trained that fall is the time to start anew, and it’s no wonder that this season would become the new New Year. Jackson explains, “When you combine the ingrained pattern of school calendars with living in an area with distinct seasons, you’re drawn even more to a new pace. Your body notices the cooler temperatures, the time for decorations in your house, the changing of your wardrobe. All of these activities act as transitions, and we are reminded of how we can also grow and change our lives.” Another interesting feature about fall that makes it appropriate for resolutions is its proximity to the holidays. Jackson explains that preparing for the holidays “prompts people to think about fitness and health goals.” It also reminds us of relationships—relationships with the family members we’re about to see at the holidays, as well as relationships in general—old friendships, old loves, the possibility of a new romance. Of course, this all still begs the

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

question: why do we feel the need to make resolutions at all? According to Jackson, resolutions “organize our thoughts and help us feel like we’re improving ourselves. Resolutions help us stay mindful of where we are in the present and where we want to be.” Basically, it’s a time to consider who we are and who we want to be. Creating resolutions, no matter what time of year, isn’t an easy task. Jackson warns, sometimes people tend to make goals based on “what society or others want them to do. Some people don’t take the time to examine their goals and can be influenced.” It is also a prevalent mistake to make “goals that are too difficult to achieve.” When people can’t achieve their objectives, they feel discouraged. It may lead them to feel worse than they did in the first place. SET SMALL, MEASURABLE, AND ACHIEVABLE GOALS.

When working with her patients to create resolutions, Jackson has them set “small, measurable, and achievable goals.” She explains that we should stop ourselves from saying, “I want to be happy.” Instead, Jackson recommends, “evaluate what in your life is adding and taking away from your happiness.” Then, after we know what makes us happy, we can make a measurable goal. For example, if reading makes you happy, a resolution can be to read two books per month. Reading two books per month is something we can measure, therefore we know if we are achieving that goal. Make sure it’s a reasonable goal though—if two books per month is too much with your schedule, figure out a goal that feels achievable.

GRADUALLY MOVE ON TO BIGGER GOALS.

It is also recommended that resolutions start small then gradually increase. Jackson warns if “goals get too big too fast, we’re likely to give up.” For instance, if you are reading one book per year, deciding to jump to two books per month is a giant leap. Instead, say you will read ten chapters per month then increase the number of chapters over time. Jackson says it’s a good idea to track your goals. “Even adults love sticker charts,” she pointed out. DON’T CHOOSE GOALS BASED ON PRESSURES OR “SHOULDS”

Her patients often get bogged down by what society wants them to do, like lose weight. So she helps them do what she would do herself. “I help my clients be mindful of their needs and wants to help them make unique, specific goals to their life.” Jackson, herself, likes to “take stock” of her life. Taking a step back helps her identify “what has been going well and how [she] would like things to be different.” She explains, “I like to pick some short term goals with quick solutions, like starting a Roth IRA which I did last year. I also choose a few long term resolutions.” Kids may still be growing up, but adults also think about ways that they can better their lives—and themselves. This desire to evolve comes naturally (and apparently in the fall!). Actually implementing those changes is where the real challenge lies.

Lauren Rabin is a writer, content creator and Marketing Strategis

P H OTO BY A L IS ON WIN TE RROTH

WHEN A PREVIOUS MISCARRIAGE IMPACTS YOUR CURRENT PREGNANCY EXPERIENCE How I learned to take care of both myself and my baby BY ANNE MARI E WI L L I AMS

If you’re one of the countless women who have experienced a miscarriage, the loss of a baby before 20 weeks gestation that impacts up to 20 percent of known pregnancies, the thought of trying to conceive again will likely elicit both excitement and anxiety. And while the odds of carrying a pregnancy to term after miscarriage are certainly in your favor—with some 85 percent of women who have had one miscarriage going

on to have a successful pregnancy in the future as well as roughly 75 percent of women with a history of two or more miscarriages—pregnancy after miscarriage brings with it all kinds of questions: will I have another miscarriage? When will I feel excited? How do I honor the life of the child I lost, especially if, timewise, that child and this current child couldn’t both have been born? I can’t answer these questions for you, but I

hope that if you’re asking them too, that sharing my story of pregnancy after miscarriage will shed some light on what you might expect to feel, and, at the very least, help you to see that you are not alone. GABRIELLA’S STORY

In the fall of 2020, my husband and I conceived our third child. This child was indeed long-awaited, VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

LIFESTYLE

as we’d used natural family planning (NFP) to avoid pregnancy for almost three years following the birth of our daughter while we figured out why I was struggling so intensely with symptoms of anxiety and depression. Given the timing of symptom onset, I assumed that I was among the 10 to 20 percent of women who experience clinical postpartum depression (PPD). Because women who have previously experienced PPD once are at higher risk than the average woman of having it again, carrying another baby and then potentially having the alreadyheavy emotional struggles I felt every day compound after the birth was unfathomable. Two months prior, I’d finally started the counseling that made all the difference. Having long been terrified of being pregnant and caring for a newborn while struggling so significantly, being open to conceiving a third baby was tangible evidence that I was healing, that things were better than they had been in a long time. PROOF POSITIVE

When I “casually” picked up two pregnancy tests from the local dollar store on the first day of what should have been the start of my next period, I wondered if I was about to confirm that, as with each previous pregnancy, our lives had changed forever. After waiting two hour-long minutes per test, I saw they had. The following days were exciting and nerve-wracking. Because we knew from my NFP charts and NaProTechnology lab testing that my body doesn’t make enough of the hormone progesterone on its own, with my previous pregnancy, I’d received large amounts of progesterone supplementation to prevent a deficiency-related miscarriage. Now, with my first level coming back in the low normal range, I was prescribed a large dose of oral progesterone, twice the amount that had me falling-asleep-under-the-tablefatigued with my previous pregnancy. I started out at half the prescribed dose on a Thursday to see how my body did for a few days. I had a virtual appointment scheduled with my NaPro nurse practitioner for Monday to create a supplementation plan I could tolerate. THE MOMENT EVERYTHING CHANGED

The following Monday, I woke before sunrise to go to the bathroom. I noticed that something felt different. I was bleeding. I’m a nurse, and I knew that for pregnant women bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage. I also knew some women who had bled one or more times throughout otherwise healthy pregnancies. I was not yet six weeks along. We hadn’t even told our parents yet. We had no pictures to show of this child whose life only we knew about. I called my NaPro provider’s office. She recommended I ask my local OB’s office for a perforated “hat,” a plastic container to catch urine used in hospitals for patients whose intake and output must be carefully measured. The NaPro office gave miscarrying

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • FA L L 2023

women hats with tiny holes in the bottom that would allow urine or blood through but catch any fetal body parts or tissue for a respectful burial later on. When I called the local OB’s office, they brought me in for an ultrasound. There the OB who had delivered my son and daughter

I’VE HEARD OTHER WOMEN SAY THAT BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE AFTER A LOSS FELT TO THEM LIKE A TRIUMPH OVER THEIR BODY, WHICH HAD FAILED THEM PREVIOUSLY. I WOULDN’T PUT MY EXPERIENCE IN QUITE THOSE WORDS. told me that the baby “was just measuring a little behind” my expected gestational age based on my NFP charting. She showed me the beautiful gestational sac lodged securely in the middle of my uterine wall, a tiny house ready for lots of baby-growing. She ordered a blood test, and told me the bleeding might

persist for a few days but not to expect the worst. I went home with my husband, somewhat relieved. But that night as I bent down next to my daughter, something came out of me. And I knew. When I went to the bathroom and checked, there was that beautiful gestational sac I had seen on the ultrasound screen hours earlier, looking like a miniature, perfectly formed snowglobe. I presumed the tiny strands of blood on its periphery had anchored it to my uterus moments before. I knew that from the moment of fertilization this baby’s eye color, hair color, and many other characteristics were already determined, but sobbing in my husband’s arms in our bathroom, I realized that this baby would never develop to the point of seeing any of those characteristics manifest this side of heaven. This pregnancy was over. The first few weeks after the miscarriage were heavy. Because we had physical remains we could bury, we were able to have a funeral, which was comforting and consoling; plus it conveyed the reality of our loss to others, and for that I was grateful. I distinctly recall walking out of the parish hall for a small luncheon with our families and feeling so lost—where was I to go now? There was no place to go to bring back our child, whom we had named Gabriella Louise. I would never feel her kick inside me, watch her smile, or see her first steps. Of all things, I was particularly struck by a letter that came in the mail from the pediatrician’s office a few days later, addressed to “the parents of Eva Marie” (my three-year-old daughter). The knowledge that we would never receive a letter addressed to “the parents of Gabriella,” that the wide, wide world would never know or say her name as we had, pierced me to the core. STARTING TO HEAL

I found the counselor I was still working with particularly helpful as I learned to grieve. She described grief as coming in waves—at first they would be huge and come so close together that I would feel they were constantly crashing over and around me. I didn’t need to fight them. I could let them crash, accepting that I was hurting and that it was okay to feel this way. Gradually, she said, the waves would come less often and with diminished intensity, until they lapped at my feet. In the thick of loss, I could hardly fathom ever feeling differently, when every moment, absolutely every one, was full of emptiness, pregnant with absence. But I experienced the truth of my counselor’s words as slowly, almost imperceptibly, the grief receded. A little over three months after the miscarriage, the waves of grief were down to my knees, coming several times a day but no longer all of the time. My OB was comfortable from a physical and hormonal standpoint with our trying to conceive when we’d had one full menstrual cycle after the miscarriage. My NaPro provider recommended

LIFESTYLE

waiting two. We had a green light physically and hormonally, and by that point, I also felt emotionally ready to try again. Using my NFP knowledge of when I had presumably ovulated, the two weeks between that time and when I could take a pregnancy test (on the first day of my expected next period) passed so, so slowly. But the day finally did come, and once again, I waited anxiously before seeing the plus signs. Pregnant. We planned for this. . . . so why am I not excited? Being pregnant after a miscarriage feels like a million things. I’ve heard other women say that being able to conceive after a loss felt to them like a triumph over their body, which had failed them previously. I wouldn’t put my experience in quite those words, but I certainly wondered after the miscarriage if I had failed by not taking every last bit of the progesterone prescribed to me with the last pregnancy from the get-go. Would everything have been completely different if I had? At first, I thought maybe so. Even with my fears, I was able to acknowledge that this pregnancy was different from Gabriella’s pregnancy from the start. When I got my initial progesterone level back, I figured there had to be some mistake. It was more than two times higher than my first blood draw with Gabriella, and higher than the first draws in either of my first two pregnancies. I wanted to believe that this was a good sign, not just in the moment but a good sign for the pregnancy, but was scared to think anything beyond “This is good, for now.” This time, too, I felt anxiety right away about all of the things I couldn’t control. Because miscarriage had happened to me, I now acknowledged all of the things that could go wrong during a pregnancy, even past the first trimester when miscarriage risk significantly decreased. The baby could have its cord wrapped around its neck and die. Another thing could happen. This. baby. could. die. Typically, you don’t think that way when your pregnancies have been healthy and normal. But when you get pregnant after a loss, it feels like something terrible could always be around the corner. Right out of the gate, there’s the possibility that the estimated 20 percent chance of miscarriage per pregnancy (the same likelihood as for a woman who has never had a miscarriage) could strike again. If you’ve had two or more losses, the estimated risk bumps slightly to 28 percent, and your risk of miscarrying again after three or more previous losses is 43 percent each time. So there’s all of that. Every time you go to the bathroom or feel the slightest wet sensation, your mind’s already jumped three steps ahead, “Is it blood?” The heart tends to react to the emotional maelstrom by self-protecting, to avoid experiencing that kind of pain again. That’s what my heart did too. The difficult emotions were exacerbated by the fact that once again the progesterone

supplements I was on made me feel truly ill. Each day from weeks five-ish through ten-ish passed in an exhausted, flu-like, hard-to-focus daze. I felt like I was sitting in my rocking chair watching life go by. Because of counseling, I determined to pursue what was best for both my baby and myself, and so eventually I told my newest NaPro provider that I needed to decrease the progesterone dosage, that my body simply couldn’t tolerate what I was on. Advocating for my own needs in order to be my best while carrying this baby was a new experience for me, but I still struggled with the thought that I was being selfish and needed to suck it up. Maybe some women just don’t get excited about getting pregnant I’ve since learned that experiencing anxious and depressive symptoms after miscarriage is very common, affecting roughly 1 in 5 women, and that these symptoms may last up to three years afterward. Here again, my counselor offered a muchneeded perspective that normalized my feelings and helped me relax. She said that indeed every woman has a heart to receive and celebrate new life, though there may be many layers of pain or trauma on top of that inherent joy. In my case, there was grief from my miscarriage on top of the joy. I was emotionally trying to protect my heart from further pain by not feeling excited. This was ok, she told me, I didn’t need to worry. The joy would come to the surface—I would not need to manufacture it. It would simply take time. And she was right. I decreased the progesterone dose around week 11, and slowly the side effects started to go away. I had a bit more energy, was able to think a bit better, wasn’t so overwhelmed by everything. My fears of negatively impacting the baby by backing off on the progesterone hadn’t panned out; on the contrary, my natural progesterone levels continued climbing, and at 16 weeks I came off supplementation altogether. That was about the time I started to believe that I was going to have this baby. Even though there are no “guaranteed good outcomes” when it comes to pregnancy, or much of life, I felt safe enough to be excited about this baby. I also gradually accepted the seeming contradiction of feeling sad to have lost Gabriella and feeling grateful to have this baby, acknowledging that I could not have carried both these babies in this life. A mother’s heart is indeed a mysterious thing, I’ve learned, capable of holding several seemingly conflicting emotions at one time. Losing Gabriella and carrying this new baby have expanded my heart in ways I could not have anticipated. And while I’m grateful for the good that has come from great suffering, I naturally wish I could have learned these lessons some other way. Yesterday, out of the blue, I really missed Gabriella. Her remains are buried in a cemetery just outside our small town, and whenever I

turn off the interstate and head toward home I look in her direction and say quietly, “I love you, Gabriella.” If you’re struggling after a miscarriage, feeling uncertain during pregnancy after child loss, or seeking to help a friend or family member who is, I can tell you quietly but confidently that there is hope. For me, counseling has helped; time has helped; and the future is something I can anticipate with hope again. Along this painful journey, I have found a way to take care of both me and this baby, and I’m excited to see where this takes us. Anne Marie Williams is a nurse and freelance writer living in Illinois.

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LIFESTYLE

THESE 5 HASSLEFREE WORKOUTS WILL GET YOU OUTSIDE AND EXERCISING IN 20 MINUTES OR LESS It’s time for some old-fashioned physical activity that won’t take up much time. BY M A R IA WA LLE Y

It’s the first day of fall—the perfect time to start a fresh workout routine! Unlike freezing January, which, despite bringing in the New Year, feels like an artificial time to start exercising, the fall makes us actually want to go outside and play. Research backs us up here. Not only are you more likely to burn more calories due to the uneven terrain and being forced to exert more effort, but according to recent studies on outdoor exercise you actually boost your mental wellbeing beyond the endorphins you’d earn at your average gym, feel more enjoyment and satisfaction, and you’re more likely to exercise again. Making it easier to make exercise a habit? Sign us up. To get your blood flowing, I’ve found some fun outdoor workouts on YouTube to give you one less excuse to get outside.

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01. ADD SOME SPUNK TO A SIMPLE WALK IN 12 MINUTES

Wanna start out easy? Get outside, breathe in the fresh autumn air, and take in scenic views with a simple unambitious walk—which already works out your entire body. If you’re feeling up to it, you can toss in some walking tricks to make it a “real workout.” With over seven hundred free home workout fitness videos, Youtube’s Lucy Wyndham-Read has some of the best videos on low-impact walking workouts, demonstrating how simple movements while walking can be done in intervals, with the occasional one-minute jog. Research proves walking is an excellent starting point if you’re just starting (or getting back to) an active lifestyle.

LIFESTYLE

03. 20-MINUTE PARK BENCH HIIT

Use your favorite park bench to sit and admire the turning leaves and as a high intensity interval training tool. HIIT workout expert Christine Salus shares a circuit on how you can get your heart racing by pairing jogging with some bench-inspired action. If you can’t make it to a bench, squeeze in your outdoor workout at your nearest playground.

04. 5-MINUTE BENCH STRENGTH WORKOUT

Think we were done with the park bench? Heck, no! PopSugar Fitness Host Anna Renderer effectively uses it for strength training by adding only one ingredient: your own body weight. She moves from a single-legged sit-to-stand, to tricep dips, to ab-burning seated Russian twists, to classic push-ups, and finally, to alternating step-ups. She does the entire 5-minute workout so you can easily follow along on your smartphone. May the bench be with you.

05. SKIP ROPE YOUR WAY INTO SHAPE IN 9 MINUTES FOR BEGINNERS

P HOTO BY NUR I A SEGUÍ

02. STEP IT UP WITH THIS EFFORTLESS 10-MINUTE STAIR

What better way to get outdoors and bring back “back to school” memories than with some old-school jump roping? If you’re up for a challenge, invest in a CrossRope—possibly the most versatile and portable piece of exercise equipment for strength and agility training. Aside from its YouTube channel of mesmerizing jump rope workouts, CrossRope has quite the underground following. Joining one of their online communities might be a way to hold yourself accountable to your fitness goals, if you find yourself enjoying this form of exercise. (Spoiler alert: Once I got over the “dying” factor, I was totally roped in!).

WORKOUT

You might think, “Oh, just the stairs?” Ah, how naive you are! If you haven’t leveraged your building or local park’s staircase(s) yet, well, you are in for a treat of jello-y legs and possibly some tender quads. Fitness YouTuber Aja Dang has a simple but effective workout routine that just requires a flight of stairs and a lot of willpower. She doesn’t just run up the stairs—she double steps, crossover steps, adds leg lifts, and hops for an effective cardio and core workout in one.

try this workout! If you’re like me, and you let yourself skip exercise for the past few months because it’s just “too hot” or you despise the dank smell of gyms in the summer (anyone else?), I challenge you to channel your inner schoolgirl, take out your new planner, and schedule in some outdoor homework. Now is the time to maximize the benefits of this weather and gorgeous outdoors while you can. Maria Walley, former relationship editor of Verily, is cofounder of Prof Jim.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

P H OTO BY M A N GO STRE E T L A B

WE ALL HAVE STRESS—HERE’S HOW I KNEW MINE WAS SOMETHING MORE The difference between everyday stress and clinically significant anxiety BY K E L S E Y DOWN

According to a recent brand-sponsored study on stress and sleep, Millennials account for 32 percent of stressed adults in the U.S. That’s higher than our parents’ generation by almost 10 percent. When you compare men to women, women account for 63 percent of the “stressed”

V ER ILY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

population. I fall squarely into that cross-section of the population (Millennial and female), so it would be easy for me to write off my anxiety as just everyday stress—and I did for many years. The truth is, stress and anxiety do

not always coexist, nor are the terms interchangeable. An easy way to differentiate between the two is to think of stress as the outside pressures that we all experience sometimes, while anxiety is the nervous state of mind that often emerges from those

LIFESTYLE

pressures. Anxiety can pop up in someone who isn’t experiencing any obvious pressure, but added stress does tend to exacerbate anxiety. If you didn’t know about the nuances behind these terms, I wouldn’t blame you. I didn’t know that anxiety could be a mental health issue until after I began to experience it. MY DISCOVERY WAS A PROCESS

You could say that I’ve experienced various forms of anxiety throughout my life. I remember small moments scattered across my childhood, like one day when I started crying at a neighbor’s house but couldn’t explain why, or when I had a minor panic attack during a church service that forced me out of the chapel. Back then I didn’t have a word for the feeling, that suffocating panic in my gut. But the moments were rare enough, and spread far enough between, that I could write them off as glitches. But something shifted while I was in college. I don’t know what changed, or when exactly—only that those meltdowns started happening every day instead of every few months. There came a point during my junior year where I regularly locked myself in the bathroom to catch my breath before Latin. I skipped English Lit to stream old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in bed. I fled church just before the final song to seek refuge in my car. One day, driving home from campus, I felt that same familiar panic rising in my chest. As I blinked tears from my eyes and struggled to breathe, I couldn’t stop thinking, “Something is wrong with me.” When I made it to my apartment, I shut the bedroom door and started typing frenzied searches into Google. “Why do I cry so much?” I typed. “Can’t control emotions.” I strung together all kinds of words and search terms in a blind attempt to find answers. Who knows which query turned out to be the winner—but eventually I found myself on a page about mental health that mentioned generalized anxiety disorder. I ran through the list of symptoms: Muscle tension? Check. Irritability? Check. Difficulty concentrating? Check. And on and on. But I still didn’t look for professional help. First I sought out other people who suffered from anxiety. I poked around on web forums, messaged friends on Facebook, and mulled it

over for weeks before doing anything about it. I asked a lot of questions and wrestled with the feeling that I was imagining my symptoms, that it wasn’t that bad, or that I was just looking for excuses to explain my lack of motivation in school and life. Finally, though, I made an appointment. My therapist confirmed that I was suffering from generalized anxiety disorder as well as some minor depression. And we worked together on a treatment plan.

anxiety is to focus on something else, even if that means streaming shows in bed instead of venturing into the world and interacting with others. When I told a handful of people about my anxiety, I was surprised at how supportive they were. One acquaintance confessed she also had anxiety attacks, and she brought me lavender oil to help me relax at night. I clued in my Latin professor, who helped me catch up on some missed classwork. Feeling understood and supported gave me the courage to face my anxiety. The thing about an anxiety disorder—or any other mental health issue—is that you can’t expect to fully manage it without any outside help. My best successes have come from allowing myself to be vulnerable and accepting the good will others have to offer me. A person wouldn’t attempt to set a broken bone without a doctor’s help; similarly, mental health isn’t really a solo job. In my case, I started with cognitive behavioral therapy but supplemented with medication until I felt equipped enough to handle the anxiety attacks. That was the strategy that felt right for me. But others may prefer more natural treatment methods, and those can work wonders on their own. The key is to have the input of a professional, whether that’s your family doctor or your therapist. Realizing there was a name for what I felt changed everything for me. Suddenly I wasn’t just an overly emotional wreck—I was a normal human being experiencing a common mental health challenge. When I recognized my anxiety for what it was, I had a chance to face it head-on and treat it. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I feel equipped—and that makes all the difference in the world.

THE TRUTH IS, STRESS AND ANXIETY DO NOT ALWAYS COEXIST, NOR ARE THE TERMS INTERCHANGEABLE. ONE WAY TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN THE TWO IS TO THINK OF STRESS AS THE OUTSIDE PRESSURES THAT WE ALL EXPERIENCE SOMETIMES, WHILE ANXIETY IS THE NERVOUS STATE OF MIND THAT OFTEN EMERGES FROM THOSE PRESSURES. I COULDN’T HAVE MANAGED ALONE

Anxiety can be like quicksand—it gets worse the more you fight it. My therapist suggested that instead of attempting to stifle my feelings, I should learn to accept them and allow the anxiety to wash over me. Accepting that part of myself helped me to avoid getting overwhelmed or frustrated when I couldn’t stop it. With the help of cognitive behavioral therapy or other treatment, many people (including me) eventually learn how to regain control of spiraling thoughts. But part of that process meant being kind to myself. Of course I couldn’t always skip my classes or hide in my car, but sometimes the most effective way of letting go of some of my

Kelsey Down is a writer and author in Nashville.

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THE SECRETS OF PARISIAN STYLE STYLI NG BY MÉ LODI E B ANC E PHOTOGRAP H Y BY PAU L I NE DARL E Y MODEL I NG BY MÉ LODI E B ANC E , LÉNA FARL , AZ AL AÏ S K E H M

ON LEFT:

Black bodice: GAÂLA Trousers: Sézane White shirt, and accessories: Model’s own MIDDLE:

Vintage black and white check pencil skirt: Model’s own Black knitted top: GAÂLA Silk scarf, and accessories: Model’s own ON RIGHT:

Cream linen shirt: Son de Flor Blue and green tartan pattern vintage wool trousers: Models’ own

“To me, beauty transcends the superficial and embraces the essence of authenticity. It’s not confined to a specific appearance or style, but rather, it’s a reflection of one’s inner confidence and self-acceptance. Feeling beautiful is intrinsically linked to being comfortable in my own skin, celebrating my uniqueness. Beauty is this radiant energy that emanates from within when we embrace our individuality and share it with the world!” – Léna

Black bodice: GAÂLA shirt, and accessories: Vintage, model’s own Trousers: Sézane

Cream linen shirt: Son de Flor Trousers and accessories: Vintage, model’s own

VER ILY M AGA Z IN E • FA L L 2023

ON LEFT:

Black bodice: GAÂLA ON RIGHT:

Cream linen shirt: Son de Flor Other items: Vintage, models’ own

Cream linen dress: Son de Flor Scott trench coat in Khaki: Sézane Vintage accessories: Model’s own

Scalloped-edged burnt orange knit shirt: Sézane Vintage wool plaid trousers: Model’s own Vintage accessories: Model’s own

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • FAL L 2023

“The secret to Parisian style is that it has to look effortless. A successful Parisian look focuses on the person wearing it, never on the clothes itself. It combines classic, timeless pieces, with accessories that add personality to the look.” – Azalaïs

ON LEFT:

Silk white shirt: Sézane Vintage green tweed jacket, black skirt, and accessories: model’s own ON RIGHT:

Scalloped-edged burnt orange knit t-shirt: Sézane Vintage wool plaid trousers: Model’s own Vintage accessories: Model’s own

Cream linen shirt: Son de Flor Vintage embroidered navy cardigan: Model’s own

STYL

ON LEFT:

Black bodice: GAÂLA Black trousers: Sézane White shirt, and accessories: Model’s own MIDDLE:

Vintage embroidered navy cardigan: Model’s own ON RIGHT:

Knitted black shirt: GAÂLA Accessories, and silk scarf: Model’s own

“I think the secret to Parisian style is conservatism. Don’t get me wrong, I love Paris fashion, but I think the very thing that makes Parisian style timeless is the fact that we stick to our beloved classics. By investing into elevated pieces that we know will last us for many seasons, our style tends to be more quiet and elegant than it would otherwise be.” – Mélodie

Knitted black shirt: GAÂLA Vintage checked pencil skirt, silk scarf, and accessories: Model’s own

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ON LEFT:

Cream linen shirt: Son de Flor Other items: Vintage, models’ own MIDDLE:

Knitted black shirt: GAÂLA Vintage checked pencil skirt, silk scarf, and accessories: Model’s own ON RIGHT:

Black bodice: GAÂLA Black trousers: Sézane White shirt, and accessories: Model’s own

Would you like to grow closer connections with your family, friends, or community? What could you do to feel more integrated with your neighbors in different areas of your life?

“REALIZE THAT TO EVERYTHING ELSE.” – L E ONARDO DA V I NC I

I LLUSTR ATI ON BY LI Z GR ANT

EVERYTHING CONNECTS

FINISHING TOUCHES: FALL STYLE B L AN C A THÉ R È SE MO R A LES

As the weather cools, the time for intimate gatherings and hostessing begins. It may be Thanksgiving with family or dinner parties with friends-who-are-family…Fall ushers in a time of merriment and all the cozy feelings. Whether you are the model hostess or the gracious guest, be ready for the season with everything you need to look fabulous.

NAIL POLISH, BUTTER LONDON $18 With pumpkin carving, apple picking and all the things that draw attention to our hands, make sure you’ve got your mani set with autumnal hues.

LIPSTICK, CHARLOTTE TILBURY $35 It’s time to swap your summer brights for deep shades of plums, mauves and muted rosy-browns. Charlotte Tilbury lipsticks are non-drying and longlasting—perfect for the next event you attend.

THE FALL LBD, TUCKERNUCK $128 Nothing is more versatile than a classic little black dress. Pair with flat knee-high boots for your next PSL coffee date, or wear them with tights, pumps, and statement earrings for a night out!

05. PENDANT

APRON, SUR LA TABLE $39 OR ANTHROPOLOGIE $25 Keeping your outfit neat doesn’t mean you can’t look stylish with a pretty apron.

THE PARLOR GAME, AMAZON $24.99 Game night, anyone? Have a Jane Austen girls night in with this fun Pride and Prejudice–inspired game.

BOTANICAL NOTE

EARRINGS,

CARDS, RIFLE

ANTHROPOLOGIE

PAPER CO. $25

$36

Stay connected with your nearest and dearest by mailing out greeting cards and thank you notes with this sweet floral set.

Sweet pendant earrings are just the thing for a party, offering a little sparkle.

AUTUMN NOTE

STATEMENT

CARDS, EMILY LEX

EARRINGS,

$16

ANTHROPOLOGIE $54

Stay connected with your nearest and dearest by mailing out greeting cards and thank you notes with this playful set.

Chunky hoops will complement a cozy outfit as you venture out during sweater weather.

HARNEY & SONS TEA ASSORTMENT $39 Tea is always good to have ready for when company drops in. Have different flavors on hand to spoil your guests with options.

BEADED FLATS, BIRDIES $165 Embellished flats help you look festive while staying comfortable as you socialize or play hostess.

LOVE VERILY, AND WANT TO ENJOY AUTHENTIC CONNECTION AND COMMUNITY WITH SOME KINDRED SPIRITS? INTRODUCING

A brand new seasonal membership in collaboration with Girl Talk, coming soon. Expect small discussion groups, conversations and events to help you go deeper with Verily’s content, and the space to develop new friendships and nurture authentic self-confidence. Find out more:

THIS MAGAZINE IS FIGHTING HUMAN TRAFFICKING. A percentage of the proceeds from your purchase will be donated to anti-trafficking organizations.

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • FA L L 2023