BEST SUMMER WORKOUTS
FOR YOUR BODY TYPE
WHEN FRIENDSHIPS DRIFT APART
CAREER-BOOSTING EFFECTS OF FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS
LA VIE EN COULEURS
PHOTOS FROM A COLORFUL TRIP TO PARIS WITH OUR RAFFLE WINNER
THE DREAM ISSUE
ELIZA MONTS STYLES OUR FEATURE SHOOT
DIY: SUNSET EYE
I FOUND MY HUSBAND WHEN I LET GO OF MY DREAM GUY JEN FULWILER ON WHAT’S BURNING INSIDE YOU CARING FOR HORMONE BALANCE
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“Dreaming is free.”
—BLONDIE
Welcome to the Dreams Issue! We are thrilled to have so many fun and thoughtful pieces in here for you, and we hope they ignite the dreams you’re feeling called to pursue!
It’s common to believe that dreams are childish, and that we may lose them as we grow up—whether we’re worn down or stop believing they can become reality. The world has a way of stifling fresh inspirations, stealing energy, or distracting us from what truly matters. At Verily, our goal is to reconnect you with these parts of yourself—so you feel better connected to what resonates within you on the deepest level.
While the world often tells us that we are the sum of our money, status, youth, and narrow beauty standards as dictated by a sex-obsessed, consumerist culture, our mission at Verily is to change this culture through beautiful, honest media. Verily is dedicated to combating the objectification of women in word and image and nurturing readers’ sense of intrinsic dignity, helping you find contentment and authentic confidence in your daily life.
Dreaming may be free, but our mission is not. That’s why we have transitioned to a nonprofit. Same mission, different model. We currently have a longtime investor standing by to match up to $90,000 of what we raise, and we urgently need support from those who can give. We are still growing our network of supporters and wanted to let you know, since as one of our readers you understand our mission better than anyone else. If you can support Verily beyond your annual subscription, please consider making a donation. If you know someone else who would be willing to join our mission, please share this with them. Simply mail back the enclosed envelope with a check or give online at verilymag.com/donate and watch our progress at givebutter.com/verily. Know we are so thankful for your support!
Verily yours,
Before the rush of the summer Olympics, our raffle winner, Heather, and I met in Paris for her Héroïnes shopping spree. See more photos from our visit at page 9.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Mary Rose Somarriba
ART DIRECTOR
Haruka Sakaguchi
WEB MANAGING EDITOR
Kellie B. Moore
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Margaret Brady
Elizabeth Flood
Lindsay Schlegel
EDITORIAL ASSISTANT
Hannah Ward
CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Sophie Caldecott
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER
Carolyn Ferguson
SUPPORT ASSOCIATES
Samantha Kopy
Tiffany Reed
Natalie Stilwell
EDITORIAL INTERN
Amelia Coleman
COFOUNDERS
Kara Bach
Janet Sahm Easter
CONTACT ohhello@verilymag.com
Natural-Looking Skin Solutions | LILLIAN FALLON 4
Sunset Eye Makeup Tutorial | NICOLE CARUSO 6
DIY: French Twist in Four Steps | LILLIAN FALLON 8
La Vie En Couleurs: Our Raffle Winner in Paris 9 Ear Cuffs Are Having a Moment 12
Runway to Realway: Lace and Sheer 14
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying New Clothes | LILLIAN FALLON 16
Features: Summer Sailing Style | ELIZA MONTS 54 Freedom of Movement: West African Style | BUCHI AKPATI 64
Letting Go When Friendships Drift Away | MONICA GABRIEL MARSHALL 18 Lessons from Prolonged Singleness | DELPHINE CHUI 20
What I Learned When I Didn’t Get a Second Date | GABRIELLA PATTI 22 I Found My Husband When I Let Go of My Dream Guy | LAURA TRIGGS 24 Holding Plans Lightly: I Was Widowed | MICHELE BERG 26
Noteworthy: Books, Music, and Movies for Summer 28
Q&A with The Anxious Generation Lead Researcher | MARGARET BRADY 30 Learning to Dream Again | LINDSEY WEISHAR 31 Where Dreams Meet Reality: An Interview with Jen Fulwiler | JEANETTE FLOOD 33 The Body-Image Issue We Don’t Talk About | MADELINE FRY SCHULTZ 35
The Career-Boosting Benefits of Dreaming | ALEXANDRA DAVIS 37 Making Spending Choices that Matter to You | LINDSAY SCHLEGEL 39 True Stories from Women Who Work From Anywhere | SOPHIE CALDECOTT 41 An Interview with ChatBooks Founder Vanessa Quigley | KELLIE KOTRABA MOORE 46
Interior-Design Books For Affordable Inspiration | KATIE ROIGER 48 The Best Summer Workouts for Your Body Type | LINDSAY SCHLEGEL 50 Why Hormone Balance Matters | GRACE EMILY STARK 52 Dreamer Nominations: Adebisi Amori, Aly Aleigha, and Maria Pope 68
Recipes: ColdBrew Affogato 43 | Balsamic Lentils and Spinach 44 | Bacon Cheeseburgers with Green Onion Mayo 45
Skip the foundation, and try these instead.
BY LILLIAN FALLON
We’re looking forward to everything about summer—except having to cope with our makeup routines. Let’s be real: Once that summer heat and humidity kicks in, our everyday foundation just won’t do. It’s too heavy, too thick—just plain too much.
Summer is too short to worry about your face melting as you go about your life under the beaming sun. If you’re ready to swap the cake for a more lightweight solution, check out these foundation alternatives.
PHOTO BY OHLAMOUR STUDIO
01. ALMAY SMART SHADE CC LUMINOUS PRIMER
Described as a color-correcting cream, Almay's bottle of baby pink primer is full of surprises. When you apply the cream, the pink color begins to fade as it evens out your skin tone with color-correcting pigments. This magical CC primer neutralizes redness and discoloration and even has a hint of shimmer. Because it's a primer, this luminous look will stay on all day and won't get runny in the summer heat like most foundations do. And yes, it's a primer, but it can stand alone, too.
02. CLINIQUE PORE-REFINING SOLUTIONS INSTANT PERFECTOR
If you struggle with oily skin but still want that fresh matte look all summer long, we suggest trying Clinique Pore-Refining Solutions Instant Perfector. The lightweight cream goes on silky smooth, giving you a natural look that blends in with your skin tone. The best part? It is sweat- and humidity-resistant. Sign us up!
03. MAYBELLINE DREAM PURE BB CREAM
If you're looking for a little more than a translucent powder or sheer primer, a beauty balm or BB cream is your best bet for lightweight total coverage. The great thing about Maybelline Dream Pure BB Cream is that it contains 2 percent salicylic acid, ideal for fighting current and future breakouts. The cream comes in five shades but also adjusts to your skin tone. Simply apply a thin layer on skin, and go!
04. RMS UN-POWDER
If you absolutely hate the feeling of any product on your face, RMS Un-Powder is perfect for you. This unassuming little jar of white powder offers an ultra-fine, light-reflective finish that is soft to the touch. The virtually invisible powder absorbs oil, minimizes the appearance of pores, and evens out skin tone. RMS Un-Powder is perfect for powdering straight onto clean skin or on top of concealer or BB cream to give your face a refined finish.
05. LAURA MERCIER ILLUMINATING TINTED MOISTURIZER WITH SPF 20
Don't let the UV rays completely throw off your makeup routine! It's important to protect yourself from sun damage, even if you're just running errands or taking a walk during your lunch break. Opt for a tinted moisturizer (with SPF) that allows your skin to breathe while protecting it too. With its rave reviews, Laura Mercier Illuminating Tinted Moisturizer is known for its non-greasy, quick-absorbing formula. A little coverage? A little glow? No suffocation? Yes, please.
BY NICOLE CARUSO
I love working with women and showing them how makeup can enhance their natural beauty. I don’t believe it should cover us and change our features. I believe it should enhance our features, the same way we wear jewelry. Makeup is a beautiful tool we can use to show who we really are, and to give us that little extra bit of confidence to feel lovely, to get in touch with the beauty that’s already inside of us.
This is why I love natural makeup like this sunset eye.
PHOTO BY ÁNGELA ROBER
STEP ONE:
I like to start with two colors— rose gold and gold. With a fluffy eyeshadow brush, start applying just next to the lash line. Blend that in, with a windshield-wiper motion.
STEP TWO:
Next, take a clean brush, something that’s fluffy and flexible. That way, it can push the product you just applied on the skin and make it look seamless. Gently swipe it over the top of what you just applied to make it look blended and natural.
STEP THREE:
Next, take a brush that’s dense and short. Dip it into a reddishbrown tone, and take it right along the lash line. You can use eyeshadow as eyeliner, and it looks really soft. You can even drag it out a little, if you want, for a bit of a wing.
STEP FOUR:
Next, take a smaller, thinner brush not as big as the one we started with. Take that same shade we used on top and put it right under the eye. This will enhance that eye shape and make the eye look a little bit bigger.
STEP FIVE:
Next, take the brightest shimmer color on your palette, and put a touch right in the corner of the inner eye. This is an optional step to brighten your eyes.
STEP SIX:
Lastly, apply a lengthening mascara. Start as close to the root as possible and wiggle, then swipe up. I think adding mascara makes the look a bit more elegant and finished. You don’t need a lot, just a touch to tint those lashes.
Master this elegant updo in no time.
BY LILLIAN FALLON
A hairstyle that is classic, polished, and feminine? Say no more—we are already fans. The French twist is the elusively elegant hairstyle that most women love and want to try but believe is too difficult. But we have discovered the busy-girl way to French twist—in just four steps. Now we know what hairstyle we’ll be sporting this summer and year-round...
01. THE SETUP
Part your hair to one side, and then pull the remaining hair around to the same side. Secure the hair that is pulled to the side by making a line of crisscrossing bobby pins. The line should not be exactly down the middle of the back of your head but slightly toward the side where your hair is pulled.
Now that you have the
secure it
02. THE ROLL
Gather your hair off to the side, like you’re going to make a really on-the-side side ponytail. While you’re holding your hair, roll the end of your hair over your hand so that your hair is folded in half, cutting across your head. Slowly take your hand out from between your hair, rolling from the outside, similarly to how you would roll a crescent roll in on itself.
TA-DA!
Here’s the final look! See, it wasn’t that hard. And how chic will this look with your festive party dress?
03. KEEP TUCKING
At this point, your roll will be super-messy, but just keep rolling your hair in on itself until you have a crescent shape. Make sure to tuck any messy stray hairs into the crescent.
PHOTOS WITH OUR RAFFLE WINNER FROM A COLORFUL TRIP TO PARIS
MOD ELED BY HEATHER OVERTON AND MARY ROSE SOMARRIBA PHOTOGRAPHED BY PIERRE PROSPERO
MADANI
STYLED BY HIDA
As Paris gears up to host the Summer Olympics, we visited with our latest Verily Magazine raffle winner. Last year, Heather Overton learned about Verily through a friend, and she put a subscription on her wish list. When she didn’t get it as a gift over the holidays, she purchased it for herself on December 31, 2023—the very last day she could be entered in our raffle (for two flights to Paris plus a shopping spree at the Parisian clothing store Héroïnes). The very next day, Heather’s name was drawn as our winner! She opted to bring her husband Matt as her companion, and the two joined Verily editor-in-chief Mary Rose for crèpes in Montmartre before an unforgettable day of dress-up and shopping at Héroïnes.
HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT
Héroïnes designers love to weave fun illustrations into their designs. Roxane Echegut, longtime design partner with founder Aurélie Cohen, told us that this dress was designed in celebration of the Summer Olympics in Paris. It may look like an abstract, mod design from a distance, but up close, you’ll find images referencing such sports as swimming, basketball, and tennis.
“I think every piece I tried on was a bit out of my comfort zone for one reason or another, but in the best way possible. I just felt like me when I was wearing them, in a way that I never really have before. I always struggle to find clothes that fit me well, and I’ve never felt like I have a good fashion sense. But with the help of Hida and my cheerleaders (my husband Matt, photographer Pierre, and Mary Rose), I realized I could find clothes that not only fit me, but that I felt wonderful in.”
“I’m a very practical person, especially when it comes to clothes. I want to make sure I can wear a piece in a lot of different ways. Going into the experience, I was worried that the pieces would be too ‘fancy,’ that anything I purchased would just be for a special occasion here and there. Boy, was I wrong. With each piece I tried on, I thought of how I could wear it. While they were all definitely fancy enough for special occasions, they were also versatile. Date night: check. At the office: check. To an upcoming wedding: check. Church: check. I could see myself wearing these outfits at all of these places! Before long, I was tempted to buy out the whole store.”
“Shopping has always been a struggle for me, for a variety of reasons. I don’t feel ashamed of my body, but I wish I knew the right way to dress my unique shape. I always tell friends, ‘I wish I could just go to a place where someone can pick things out for me and tell me what looks good for my shape.’ That’s not something that seems all that common anymore.
“Not so with Héroïnes. As I started explaining my usual struggles to find clothes that fit, Roxane and Hida looked at each other and smiled. From that moment on, I knew I had found what I was looking for. While Hida let me browse the racks on my own at first, she also took the time to pick out pieces she thought would work for me. And she was right! Not only that, but she explained how to pair different accessories like shoes, belts, and jackets. She explained what types of cuts and lengths would work best for me— exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. Hida helped me feel so special and cared for, and really made for an incredible experience.”
TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR NEXT PARIS RAFFLE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE AN ACTIVE SUBSCRIBER OF VERILY MAGAZINE! OUR NEXT DRAWING IS JANUARY 1, 2025.
“When I first tried on those heels, they were not only SO cute, but I’m pretty sure they are the most comfortable heels I’ve ever tried on in my life. Even when we stepped out into the cobblestone Paris streets, I still felt comfortable in those heels.”
Have you noticed lots of bejeweled upper ears lately? Ear cuffs are having a moment. What's great about these simple accessories is that you can add as many as you want without any piercing involved.
To wear an ear cuff, the key is to start at the top of the ear: Slide the cuff onto your helix, hugging the curve of your cartilage, then slide it down to the spot where you would like to wear it. Here are some of our favorite simple and elegant ear cuffs currently available.
STYLING BY KELLIE KOTRABA MOO RE
PHOTOGRAPHY BY BAILEE MORRIS, TAY & BAY STUDIOS
MODELED BY KARI KOTRABA AND LO KOTRABA
We drew inspiration from the Spring/Summer 2024 runway collections to put together two different summer looks.
MODELED BY KARI KOTRABA
Lace made a statement in the Michael Kors Spring/Summer 2024 runway collection. While there are plenty of lace dresses to be found online, we knew we wanted to use this top (which we affectionately nicknamed “the doily top”) as soon as we saw it. We layered the top over a fitted black t-shirt so the details would stand out. For additional contrast, both in terms of color and fit, we chose black wide-leg pants. If you don’t typically wear pants in summer, try the wide-leg variety—they’re much more airy and comfortable than skinny or straight on hot days. To finish the look, we added a white sneaker, then popped in a tote for a subtle hint of color. We’d definitely wear this outfit for a morning at the farmers market.
MODELED BY LO KOTRABA
Sheer fabric was featured in the Spring/Summer 2024 runway collections from multiple designers, and Simone Rocha’s use of florals really caught our eye. To make this look more suitable for everyday life, we opted for a classic faux wrap dress with a semi-sheer floral layer and ultra-feminine flutter sleeves. To complement the dress, we kept the rest of the ensemble simple and minimal: black open-toe heels, a subtle gold necklace, and a gold ring. We finished the look with a small white crossbody bag. Think of this as your inspiration for a summer wedding-guest outfit.
Banish buyer’s remorse for good.
BY LILLIAN FALLON
When it comes to shopping, we’ve all been guilty of an impulse purchase or two (or ten . . .). Whether you feel like your cash is burning a hole in your pocket, or you’re simply struggling to determine if something is worth spending money on, you can (and should) ask yourself a few questions before handing over the green. Follow these useful tips to save money while simultaneously building your dream wardrobe.
PHOTO BY SERGEY NAREVSKIH
We’ve all experienced it: The siren call of a dress, innocently hanging on the rack as if it doesn’t know what it’s doing. We rush over like a fish caught on a line and exclaim to our shopping companions, “Look at this!”
Now, before you make any rash decisions, ask yourself: “Is it stylish or trendy?” Meaning, will this item stand the test of time, or will it be an embarrassment to your closet in three years? Better yet, would Audrey Hepburn cringe at the sight of you in it? Would Kate Middleton buy it? Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish what is stylish versus what is trendy, but if you can picture your style icons rocking it, then it is probably a stylish piece that will stay in your wardrobe forever. Not that you must only purchase stylish clothing, but take the cost per wear into consideration before spending your hard-earned paycheck.
Have you been holding that jacket in your hand for more than five minutes, debating over whether you should buy it? If you’re still questioning it in the checkout line, step away from the cashier, and walk out of that store. When deciding to buy an item takes longer than five minutes, it’s not worth it. You should always be confident in your purchases.
Speaking of walking away . . . it’s time to look into the future. A sure way to determine how much you absolutely love a piece is to imagine putting the item down and leaving the store. How will you feel? Will you forget about the item? Or will its ghost haunt you for weeks on end? If you can imagine yourself not thinking twice about it after leaving the store, it’s probably because you don’t really love or need the item. Try out this theory next time you’re shopping. You will soon know if buying it will be a mistake or not.
Are the outfit ideas overflowing? Or do these shoes actually only go with one pair of pants you own? If you’re having a hard time picturing this item pairing well with much in your wardrobe, it will most likely end up sitting in your closet unworn and taking up space. The key is to find clothes and shoes that seamlessly blend into your wardrobe. Think of your wardrobe as a collection that you add to over time. Every piece should flow together to create a theme that, all together, expresses your personal style. Follow this rule for optimal use of your items and for a wardrobe you can be proud of.
Before you drop $50 or more on an embroidered bohemian top, ask yourself: “Am I going to see twenty other variations walking down the street the second I leave the store?”
Sometimes the answer will be yes, and sometimes that’s OK. But for most purchases, it’s important to cultivate a wardrobe that is as unique as you are and expresses your individual tastes. And honestly, sometimes it’s just not worth spending a ton of money on something that is being mass-produced by every fast-fashion store. On the other hand, if you are in a vintage shop and have found an authentic, quality-made embroidered blouse from the 1960s in mint condition, it could be a one-of-a-kind item worth investing in.
Now, there are times when we have to buy items we aren’t absolutely head-over-heels in love with. They are vital, however, to a successful wardrobe. Every bold statement piece needs a complementary staple that anchors the whole outfit. Where would your embellished leather jacket be without your plain white tee underneath? Or your bright-red midi skirt without your simple black ballet flats? When shopping, make a mental (or written) checklist of all the staple items you need in your wardrobe. This is also where you start paying attention to quality so that you choose items that will last for years to come.
Have you ever had your heart set on an item, only to find out that it’s actually super unflattering once you try it on? Sometimes it’s a relief, because the decision to not buy is suddenly much easier. It’s so important to hit the dressing room—this is where all purchasing decisions should be made. Pay attention to how you feel in the item: Are the pants too short, does the waistband gape in the back, is the fabric itchy, does it hurt to sit down? Take a stroll around the fitting room to test out how the item feels, and thoroughly examine yourself in the mirror. If you are uncomfortable in the item or are let down by its overall appeal, it’s not worth spending money on.
In our fast-paced world, keeping up with every single one of our friends is an impossible task.
BY MONICA GABRIEL MARSHALL
“She said ‘Yes!’” the Facebook post read. Brimming with joy and rapidly multiplying likes, the notification lingered at the top of my newsfeed. I let out an audible squeal of delight as this update from an old friend caught my eye. But as my finger lingered over the little blue thumbs up, I remembered a time when I would have been one of the first people she called on this magical day of her life.
I was overcome by the desire to call my friend and tell her how happy I was for her, to demand drinks and a detailed rehash starting from the very beginning. But I hesitated. I remembered that we don’t talk any more; we haven’t spoken in years. Would a phone call be welcome? Would she even recognize my number? The sting of regret and resentment and the awareness of an empty little corner of my heart left me guilty and confused.
I wanted to know what had happened. Was it me? Was it her? How did this friendship, which feels so important now, slip away like this?
Drifting away from friends and even family is a common modernday phenomenon, and many of us struggle with it considerably. It seems like there was a time, not very long ago, when the friends you made growing up were the ones you held onto for life. You ran around the schoolyard together, raised your children together, and grew old together. You were there for one another in every celebration and every loss. But our generation’s grade-school friends are not our college friends, and as we move from city to city, even our college friends fall farther and farther away. New friends are constantly being made and—thanks to social media and the accessibility of world travel—at a rapidly expanding rate. Our lives are moving so fast that keeping up with every single friend from so many walks of life is impossible.
friendship is pulled aside and we realize that we are no longer a part of someone’s
THE HUMAN HEART IS MADE TO EXPAND INFINITELY, AND WE SHOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO GATHER FRIENDS TO OURSELVES, TO CHERISH THEM AND POUR OURSELVES INTO THEM.
gather friends to ourselves, to cherish them and pour ourselves into them. But our physical bodies can only extend so far, and that includes our mental space. As we move neighborhoods and jobs, marry, have children and send them off to school, the number of people who can remain in our physical dayto-day is finite. We must accept this reality and be grateful for the time we have our friends in our lives.
BUT OUR PHYSICAL BODIES CAN ONLY EXTEND SO FAR, AND THAT INCLUDES OUR MENTAL SPACE. AS WE MOVE NEIGHBORHOODS AND JOBS, MARRY, HAVE CHILDREN AND SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL, THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO CAN REMAIN IN OUR PHYSICAL DAY-TODAY IS FINITE. WE MUST ACCEPT THIS REALITY AND BE GRATEFUL FOR THE TIME WE HAVE OUR FRIENDS.
Life happens so quickly that drifting actually occurs rather swiftly and silently; so silently, in fact, that it might be a year before we even realize it has happened. For most of us, keeping in touch with longdistance friends means a phone call once or twice a month. We all know how quickly one missed phone call becomes two, and one month becomes six. Still, looking around to see that a friend has drifted downstream leaves us feeling guilty—and too exhausted to do the necessary back paddling to catch up.
This returns us to the question we are left pondering when the illusion of Facebook
life: What did I do wrong? How did I let this friendship slip away?
Simply put, you did nothing wrong.
The human heart is made to expand infinitely, and we should not be afraid to
Understanding that our physical capacity is finite, it’s important to take stock of who our friends are and be intentional about the ones we spend our precious time with. This requires more than a sleuthstyle Facebook swoop while you enjoy your morning coffee. Choosing to keep a friend present in your life requires time, effort, and sacrifice; it requires us to make phone calls and to prioritize an hour-long coffee date over one more hour at the office. It means we should keep a to-do list and a stack of “Thinking of You” cards for rainy Saturdays. But most of all, friendships require forgiveness—for your friends and for yourself. Wait for your friends with an open heart when life pulls them away, and don’t let guilt teach you that friendship from the past represents a closed door.
I know how it feels to suffer from a sense of loss and guilt as friendships come and go. But in my experience, true friendships never really pass away. They reside as a timeless jewel—with all its memories and gifts—in our hearts, even when the phone calls and coffee dates have drifted past our physical reach.
BY DELPHINE CHUI
At 35, I’m already eight years late to “The Plan.” For as long as I can remember, I had an ideal timeline of how my life was going to play out. It wasn’t so much a dream as an expectation—because that’s just how life is meant to happen, right?
The thought of being unmarried in my thirties had never occurred to me. And although I may not always have manifested my longing for marriage and family in the healthiest of ways, I’ve had this deep desire since I was young.
I was never the friend who announced I couldn’t imagine having children or the woman who fiercely craved independence. I have always loved “love”—or at least the romcom version of
love that I, as a teenager, was training myself to await.
I had my first boyfriend at 16. That was the beginning of long-term relationships that fit into societal norms, allowing me to live out imagined futures in my mind without the reality of being in a committed marriage.
I remember being asked once if I was planning to marry my university boyfriend. The question perplexed me because it had never occurred to me that people would enter into a relationship aimlessly, without an end goal.
But while I was idolizing family life, aspiring to raise children with less dysfunction than my parents had (as ignorant a wish as that
may still be), I wasn’t, in actuality, dating with discernment or intention.
From the outside, my mid-twenties looked picture perfect. I had a thriving career as a magazine journalist with bylines in household titles, celebrity cover interviews, and work demands aplenty. I had a serious boyfriend who seemingly had all the right credentials. And yet, I wasn’t fulfilled.
So I started moving the goalposts in my imagination: Once I was 27 and engaged, I’d be happy. Once I was 28 and married, I’d be content. And surely, once I was 29 and expecting my first child, I’d be satisfied.
As the years went on, these planned milestones
were met with painful breakups, work stagnation, and a call to pivot my entire mindset. By 30, I was desperate to actualize what I thought was my dream life: a socialmedia version of the Instagrammable family life where I could truly have it all.
But in this quest, I stopped seeing individual men as persons; I started seeing them only as prospective husbands. Living for a fake, imagined future was robbing me of my present. I stopped going to events purely for the enjoyment of being there, choosing instead to stay in unless I thought there was a chance I could meet someone new.
I even stopped writing for fear I had nothing to say. Who wanted to read anything by someone whose life hadn’t turned out as expected, anyway?
The worst part? I didn’t allow myself to truly enjoy time with my parents, siblings, niece, or nephew, because I felt I was missing out on moving a step closer to finding my own family.
This notion of unmet dreams left me in the spiral of a scarcity mindset. I tried making changes—after all, as the saying goes, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” I poured myself into travel, I bought an apartment, I took in a cat, I started my own charity, I adopted a dog, and I even cut and donated my long hair.
But, while these moments were all milestones worthy of talking about, that feeling of “But what next?” was never satisfied.
In my self-centered ambition for milestones at specific intervals, I was competing in the dating world not only with other singles, but also with time itself. Birthdays were met with bittersweet emotions and regrets and the distraction of my singleness felt all encompassing.
What I have now come to realize is that my lack of fulfillment came from a misunderstanding of my own identity, not my relationship status. I was grinding and hustling because I wrongly attached my worth and value to what I was able to do, rather than who I could be.
While it may sound cliché, in hindsight, I am so grateful I wasn’t gifted with my supposedly ideal plans because I simply wasn’t ready. I didn’t know the true sacrificial and selfless understanding of love.
I won’t pretend I don’t sometimes still allow myself to fall into moods of comparison and “What next?,” but they’re becoming fewer and farther between.
You may be wondering, since I’m still single at the time of writing this, what changed?
Taking time to contemplate and outline the internal things I am in control of, like my values and purpose, has shifted my entire approach to life and decision making. Instead of obsessing about making the right calls on opportunities, people, and things, I’m training myself to make
decisions in the right way. I do this by basing every action on my vision for how I want to live: always acknowledging gratitude, an evergrowing appreciation for my family and friends, and stepping into work that is energizing and feels part of my personal mission.
The journey back to my Christian faith in this decade of life has had a huge impact, too. Building up my own spiritual interior life has freed me of the niggling feeling that my story ended when my plans got displaced. The irony of Proverbs 16:9 is not wasted on me: “A person’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines his steps.”
I have also given myself the time and compassion to put in the work to understand what feelings, beliefs, and old habits aren’t benefiting me. I’ve embraced the pace of life that my current state offers to find meaning in my every day, knowing that this inner healing will serve me, and, God willing, my future family tomorrow.
I HAVE COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT WHEN I TRY TO FORCE THINGS INAUTHENTICALLY, I (UNSURPRISINGLY) GET DISINGENUOUS RESULTS.
And in the way that only lived experience can humble us, I’ve seen that these changes are in both the small and big things: in living each present moment with joy, deriving pleasure from the tiniest conveniences, and the huge realization of knowing my worth.
It has taken me a long time to realize my inherent value isn’t in whether I’m a wife or mother yet, or if I’m an employer or a homeowner or any other hyperproductive status; rather, it’s in who I am and who I choose to be every single day.
That’s the ultimate dream: showing up to life as the woman I was created to be.
Not all days are easy, of course. I’ve had moments when my singleness has made me feel alone, unseen, and forgotten. But it’s these experiences that give me the empathy and awareness to be wholly present in my daily interactions, from the deviceless time I spend with my mom to the “How are you?” that evolves into an insightful conversation with someone who was once a stranger.
We are all longing for connection and community, and that’s not only made manifest in marriage.
So I’ll say it louder for those at the back: Being single does not have to mean you are alone or lonely.
While we all take a different attitude to how proactive we ought to be, I have come to the realization that when I try to force things inauthentically, I (unsurprisingly) get disingenuous results. I make decisions based on anxiety rather than abundance, and I rush relationships prematurely.
I have swapped my worry of “What if I never meet anyone?” to the excitement of “How will God surprise me today?” knowing full-well that yes, when I choose to stay home and write all weekend rather than “put myself out there,” I probably won’t meet Mr. Right, but I almost certainly will become more of the person I’m meant to be right now.
As I type this (on a Saturday, no less), I feel content, swapping out the assumptions I had for my life with the intentions I have for today. I now set achievable goals that I can actualize, and I’m learning to accept what’s in my locus of control, as well as what my boundaries are.
I’ve made adjustments in my daily life that enable me to do more of the things I delight in, like work hours that allow for long walks out in nature or earlier bedtimes that encourage more reading. And I've also embraced the seemingly small things that add beauty to my mundane, like a drying rack that matches my apartment decor, making laundry that much more enjoyable.
And yes, while I am fully open and excited to be surprised, there is also a goodness to the simplicity of my life exactly as it is right now.
Leaning into my interior life, I have developed an unwavering trust that all will be well, even if it doesn’t look like the original dream, in the original timeline.
Finally, I’ve left regrets and “what ifs” at the door, convicted not to allow past mistakes or imagined futures to rob me of my present.
Delphine Chui, a longtime magazine journalist, is a content creator living in London.
4 THINGS I
WHEN I DIDN’T GET A SECOND ONE
I learned a lot about finding love when I was ghosted.
BY GABRIELLA PATTI
In freshman year of college, my friend set me up with one of her best friends from high school; let’s call him Mike. She prepped me by telling me that Mike and I had the same goofy sense of humor, we were both serious about our faith, and our height was compatible (although frankly, that’s something we should all probably get over). She was on point—we immediately hit it off, and I thought for sure this relationship would go somewhere. So you can imagine how confused I was when, after a great interaction, I got ghosted instead of invited on a second date.
A few months later, the friend who set me and Mike up asked if I wanted to know the reason why he had never asked me out again. Positive that I already knew, but curious to hear it in his own words, I said yes.
Are you ready for it?
Mike hadn’t asked me out again because I had said "sh*t" on our date.
I was completely shocked and mortified to know that this was the real reason. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed that this word alone would be a deal breaker for someone. But coming to terms with the fact that a word foul messed up my otherwise promising connection made me think more deeply about dating and what exactly we're putting out there when we meet new people. This literal sh*tstorm taught me a few valuable lessons.
NO NEED TO LAY IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE.
Like it or not, first dates are a little bit like an interview. I would never have let slip a profanity if I were discussing my job prospects, no matter how nervous I was. The truth is, I don't love that I swore on this particular occasion and, in retrospect, I shouldn't have been surprised that Mike didn't either. From Mike I learned that there's a balance between being completely genuine and putting your best foot forward. Just as we all know not to unpack every piece of our relationship baggage on the first date, keeping your bad habits in check means that your date can focus on seeing all the great things that shine in you. That doesn't mean you can't tell your favorite jokes or that you're pretending to be somebody you're not. Maybe if Mike had learned one small thing he didn't like about me after three or four dates of learning things he did like, the one flaw would have been part of a larger tapestry of who I am, not an awful thing to remember about me.
YOU MIGHT NOT BE HIS DREAM GIRL, AND THAT’S OK.
My date with Mike helped me truly internalize the concept that not everyone needs to like you. As a chronic people pleaser, this lesson was the hardest. The truth is, if we let every instance where we give off a negative first impression—due to our mood, our nerves, or just their perception—torture us, dating will be a misery. My failed first date doesn't define my date-ability; I just did something on his list of "no's," and even if I think he should have given me a second chance, it all turned out
of our mutual friend and the ease of our first interactions, that I failed to be a little guarded with my feelings. I was positive we were going to date seriously—it all seemed perfect! I brought this lesson into my next relationship and made an effort to put the daydreams and fantasizing on hold until, at least, after the first date. Part of intentional dating is starting off smart and slow; don't throw all your hopes and dreams at one person from the get-go. Be patient, and eventually you will get a green light for the right guy.
IT’S NEVER TOO SOON TO SET
NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS WOULD I HAVE GUESSED THAT THIS WOULD BE A DEAL BREAKER FOR SOMEONE. BUT COMING TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT A WORD FOUL MESSED UP MY OTHERWISE PROMISING CONNECTION MADE ME THINK MORE DEEPLY ABOUT DATING AND WHAT EXACTLY WE'RE PUTTING OUT THERE WHEN WE MEET NEW PEOPLE.
for the best. I am now happily dating someone who loves me, warts and all.
DON’T IDEALIZE ANYONE, AND ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR DATE.
It's important not to idealize a person before you really get to know them. It only took one date to reveal to Mike that I wasn't his dream girl, but it was harder for me to accept the fact that Mike wasn't my dream guy because I had built him up so much in my head.
I was so wedded to the idea that Mike was right for me, based on the recommendation
I should note that between the time of the first date and the "disappearance," Mike and I texted a fair bit. At one point, I told him off the bat that I liked him but if we were going to keep talking I wanted to take it slowly and see where it led us. He agreed. But shortly after that exchange his responses became fewer and far between, and eventually they stopped completely. I panicked, wondering if I had been too honest too soon.
My first instinct was to question my decision to tell Mike I wanted to take it slow, but looking back I see that being upfront with my desires was an action I could be proud of. At the end of the day, it wasn't my desire to take things slow that turned Mike off. The go-to for many of us is to dance around the subject of expectations, boundaries, and whether or not the interest is mutual, but I never regret admitting how I feel. The truth is, most guys really appreciate the helpful direction and, then, if the relationship pans out, a foundation based on honesty and truth will already be the norm.
A lot of good lessons can be gleaned from a first-date flop. My date with Mike, and the aftermath, has encouraged me to give people a little more mercy if they don't pass the "test" on our first encounter. Sometimes sh*t happens, especially when we are nervous, and it's best to give the person the benefit of the doubt.
Gabriella Patti is a freelance journalist and entrepreneur based in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
We don’t always know what is best for us.
When I was younger and dating, I had a vision of who (and what) my husband would be. I wanted the smartest, most confident guy in the room. I wanted an extrovert who would make up for my introverted tendencies, a charmer who could work the crowd. I wanted someone
BY LAURA TRIGGS
driven and successful who impressed my family and friends. I wanted someone like my dad and, I suppose if I’m honest, someone who could make up for what I was afraid I might be lacking.
Then I met Kyle. He was in law school when
we started dating. He was certainly driven, but I was caught off guard by his self-deprecating sense of humor. He was also understated, often quiet in a group, and quick to praise others for excelling in ways he didn’t. He had absolutely no bravado and was a true introvert.
Still, despite the disparity between his real-life personality and my dreamed-up ideal, there was just something about him. He had a sweetness in his nature like no one I’d met before. He was an avid runner and amazing movie quoter. I loved his face and his walk and his smile. And he continued to pursue me—almost heroically, considering his schedule. I was drawn to him. But still, I couldn’t stop analyzing him. And us. As a couple, I was afraid we came up short.
Two introverts? Two toooften self-conscious people?
Two people who said, “I don’t mind—what do you think?” It couldn’t work.
Except, sometimes it did. By the end of four months of dating, with my vacillating and his hectic schedule, I initiated a break and did some soulsearching. After a week apart, it finally occurred to me: What if it was my vision that was driving me crazy? What if Kyle was right, and my vision was wrong? I wanted to get back together to find out, but he opted for a clean break. And that’s when I knew I had lost something really, really good before I ever had it. It was devastating.
After two years apart, when I had given up on him for good, Kyle sent me a friendly little Facebook message. He had done some soul-searching too, and he came back for me.
In that two-year interim, I had kicked my ideal husband to the curb. Instead, I couldn’t help but compare the men I met to Kyle—the real and true Kyle. When we dated a second time, a whole new world opened up to me, and I learned a few important things about real love.
I know later on he’ll tell me something either really funny or really interesting. Like my mom says, still waters run deep.
Time allowed me to see this hidden side of my husband. My husband isn’t anything like the extroverted man I had dreamed about, but an open mind and heart—and a second chance to get to know him—allowed me
must-have list. For example, Kyle loves my high voice and the fact that I communicate thoughts and feelings through small noises. I love the way his cheeks turn pink when he thinks he’s let me down and that after a good run he shows off a little in the front yard. This imaginary guy who was the life of the party? There’s nothing special about him to miss.
WE DON’T ALWAYS KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR US.
STILL, DESPITE THE DISPARITY BETWEEN HIS REAL-LIFE PERSONALITY AND MY DREAMED-UP IDEAL, THERE WAS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. HE HAD A SWEETNESS IN HIS NATURE LIKE NO ONE I’D MET BEFORE. HE WAS AN AVID RUNNER AND AMAZING MOVIE QUOTER.
I LOVED HIS FACE AND HIS WALK AND HIS SMILE. AND HE CONTINUED TO PURSUE ME. I WAS DRAWN TO HIM. BUT STILL, I COULDN’T STOP ANALYZING HIM.
The first time I dated Kyle, during the most stressful epoch of his life, I had no idea how hilarious he was. Where he was at first self-conscious, he turned out to be downright goofy. He does spot-on impressions of people we know or characters from shows; it’s like I married a comedian. Even more surprising to me was that behind his initial quietness was a mind full of depth. Where he was once slow to open up, he now sometimes follows me around the house, talking and talking as he works out an idea. He is still quiet, but when he walks around with his head in the clouds,
to discover his humor, his depth, and how perfect for me he really is.
REAL IS BETTER—AND WAY MORE INTERESTING—THAN "IDEAL."
When I used to picture time with my future fiancé, I couldn’t get much further than an image of us on a couch in front of a fire, totally in love (and totally bland). But one of the best surprises about marriage is that you come to love each other’s little idiosyncrasies—things you never could have pictured or put on a
I recently saw the scene from Sex and the City when Charlotte, the beautiful, classic, Episcopalian Upper East Sider, tells the girls she’s converting to Judaism to marry the bald, stocky lawyer, Harry. She says he wasn’t who she was expecting to fall in love with, but he made her laugh and was so good to her, she couldn’t help it.
I had planned on someone loud, fun, and larger than life, and I got someone measured, witty, and deep. He suits my own sensitive nature perfectly. We discuss things I’ve always cared about and things I never knew I cared about. We love to be alone together, alone with our children, or together with loved ones. He brings out the best in me, and I in him.
When I finally gave up on my own version of an ideal husband, a real and wonderful man swept me off my feet. This is the truth: My marriage to him is better and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined or planned.
I never imagined that I would bury a husband at the age of 28 or raise a daughter alone for six years. Not at first, anyway. And then I met my first husband. Born with nine serious heart defects, Colum had lived his entire life on time no one thought he had. Every day was a gift, and one didn’t plan too much into the future. One simply lived.
My parents loved him—that is, until I told them about his health. They didn’t want their little girl to wind up a widow. I was supposed to marry a solid, faith-filled guy who could support a family.
BY MICHELE BERG
We were supposed to raise kids, grow old together: all those things that people dream about. When Colum and I decided to get married, my parents were concerned. While they eventually came around, it took some convincing.
I remember trying to explain things to my mom. I could lose Colum now or I could lose him later. Either way, it was going to stink. And it did. But at least we had three-anda-half good years. And they were years spent living in the present. The here and now. Planning
for the future is important, but I decided that I did not want to be limited by a dream or a plan. If I was, I could miss something better. Besides, my faith had always told me that someone far wiser than me was in charge. His plan had to be better than mine.
My husband’s happy attitude led me to question the conventional wisdom about planning one’s life. We all have dreams, or plans, for our lives: We’re going to attend this college, study this major, get this job, live in this city, marry this man/woman, have one boy
and one girl, and on and on. So, what do you do when the dream doesn’t pan out? When you’re standing beside your husband’s bed on a warm September morning, feeling his cold cheeks and his quiet heart?
When life goes awry, people sometimes talk about their “game plan” or what they “signed up for” to justify their discontent and the actions that often go along with those feelings. But is it okay to disengage from meaningful relationships, to avoid bonding with your children, or to leave a marriage because you didn’t sign up for this new version of life? Can’t we look beyond the disappointment to new possibilities?
It is in that reimagining that we can find a new—and sometimes better—path. I had never really imagined a long life with Colum. I knew it was unlikely. And yet, when he died, I admit that I had to rethink everything. Apart from the emotional aspects of being widowed at such a young age—and the mother of a 21-month-old daughter—I had to be practical. We had little money saved, and just a small lifeinsurance payout from Colum’s job. It would just about bury him (minus the headstone) and give me something to live on for a few months while I figured things out. Due to Colum’s health, I had been the main breadwinner for most of our marriage. I commuted into Manhattan each day (not part of my original plan), while he watched our daughter during the day and took classes at night and on the weekends. When I was laid off and Colum completed his bachelor’s degree, the race was on to see who would land a job first. He did, at a local accounting firm. I took on freelance writing and editing work and spent more time with our daughter. Things were going well.
do, I asked myself, that I could continue? He rode motorcycles (not doing that!), played baseball (love it), rode horses (also love), and even went skydiving (never). But it wasn’t in the actual activities, I realized, that his spirit would live. It was in his attitude.
He had an insatiable zest for life, figuring that he had to get in as much living as he could. And he would enjoy whatever came along. During one of his many hospitalizations, he wound up in the pediatric intensive care unit because his cardiologists treated children. They specialized in conditions like Colum’s, since few patients survived into adulthood. They apologized for putting him in that ward, but I told them not to worry; he was enjoying it. The pulse-oxygen finger monitor turned him into ET (the extraterrestrial), and his rolling IV stand became a frame for our daughter’s picture. Where else should a big kid like him stay?
Those times in the hospital are some of my most precious memories, when the duties of
an office, and we developed deep friendships with our neighbors.
I stayed close to Colum’s family, grateful for their support and their Irish attitude of acceptance. We were all so grateful for that little girl, who grew to know her father despite her lack of tangible memories. We talked about him all the time, listening to family stories of happier times. She made a scrapbook about him using photographs and magazine pages. Coming upon an advertisement for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups one day, she asked if Daddy liked them. "Yes," I told her. "Very much." And we talked about all the other things he had loved. And she cut them out and pasted them into her book.
When I met my second husband, they hit it off immediately. And when we married, she decided to call him Daddy. But she had an idea: He would be Daddy B, and my first husband would be Daddy M. And that is how it has been: two dads, both precious and different.
I REMEMBER TRYING TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO MY MOM. I COULD LOSE COLUM NOW OR I COULD LOSE HIM LATER. EITHER WAY, IT WAS GOING TO STINK.
And then we found out that he needed a pacemaker. Due to the nature of his heart defects, his cardiologists decided to open his chest, crack his ribs, and place the leads directly on his heart. The hospital stay and recovery sucked our energy and our summer. In what little spare time I had, I took on more assignments. I doubted that Colum would be able to return to work any time soon, if ever.
I was simply reacting to the situation before me, but my decisions proved fortuitous. When Colum died a few months later, I was able to transition to full-time freelance work and stay home with our daughter. My sisters helped by taking turns watching Veronica while I made phone calls and gathered information for articles. I wrote late into the night while Veronica slept. To this day, I have a difficult time going to bed before midnight.
As I ventured into single parenthood, I tried to keep Colum’s insatiable joy and energy alive in our now smaller family. What did he
daily life fell away, and we could simply enjoy each other. His happy soul made even the direst circumstances tolerable and even joyful. That’s what I tried to impart to Veronica.
After Colum’s death, we stayed in the little one-bedroom apartment we had shared with him, despite the advice of so many wellmeaning people that I should move back home with my parents and two younger sisters. We took walks after the rain to see the many snails on the sidewalk. We spent long, lonely Sunday afternoons walking to the park. I would pack early dinners, and we played on the newly renovated playground, watched soccer games, and played with a bouncy green ball Colum had bought for her.
About a year after Colum’s death, we moved to a new apartment in the town where we had lived as newlyweds. We made new friends, set up chairs in the common area of the complex, and walked to a new local park. Almost two years later, I managed to save enough money to buy a little house of our own nearby. My daughter had her own room, I had
That little girl is now grown, with a brother and a sister 13 and 16 years younger. They have one-on-one sleepovers at her apartment in Brooklyn, near where her dad grew up. There are regular calls to that big sister with news about homeschool activities, sports, and 4H. “Can I call Veronica? Can I send her a picture?” are common refrains in our house.
As my children grow and pursue their own dreams, I tell them to be open to all paths. Veronica has already forged hers as a fashion designer. I am amazed at how well she adjusts her business plan to the needs of her customer base. My son is a serious baseball player and umpire. Could the dream of playing in the major leagues morph into a career as a full-time umpire? His love for animals is also on his mind as he imagines the future. My younger daughter loves birds and art and has plenty of time to explore her many interests.
I recently visited Colum’s grave on what would have been our 29th wedding anniversary. As I cleaned up around his headstone, I thought of all the years that have passed, and of how different life is now. I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on old dreams or what-ifs. But I indulged myself a little that day. What would life be like if Colum had lived? Of course, I’ll never know.
What I do know is that I have been blessed with a second life. It is nothing like the life I imagined as a young woman, but it is beautiful nonetheless. My faith tells me that everything happens for a reason and that there is value in every suffering and every joy. I take great solace in that. And I look toward the joy that lies on the journey still ahead.
Michele Marrinan Berg earned a BA in journalism and a Masters degree in education before settling down to homeschool her two younger kids out on the east end of Long Island. She's been writing since she and her sister Jane launched their school newspaper in the '80s.
JONATHAN HAIDT
A new book from Jonathan Haidt, co-author of The Coddling of the American Mind, has quickly reached the New York Times bestseller list and the top of Amazon’s Most Read Nonfiction list. Backed by statistical and psychological research, Haidt emphasizes the deleterious effects of technology and social media on today’s young people. He does not merely outline the problems without exploring solutions, though—the social psychology professor suggests that societal changes like banning phone use in schools and raising the minimum age for social media use could help turn back the tide of rising suicide, self-harm, anxiety, and depression rates among today’s tweens and teens.
Turn to page 30 to read an interview with the chief researcher of this book!
AMY TAN
The author of The Joy Luck Club offers a glimpse into one way she hones her stunning capacity to notice and describe detail—backyard birdwatching. Chronicling what Tan calls in the preface “my obsession with birds,” this is a birding journal like no other. The reader will feel that she walks alongside a master birder as Tan’s vivid, intimate descriptions bring the birds to life, and the author’s charming sketches and unexpected reflections—“Do birds feel something akin to embarrassment?”—keep the reflections fresh and interesting. The book will leave the reader with not only more knowledge about birds, but also a deeper sense of wonder at the world.
The last book in the Nantucket series from New York Times bestselling author Elin Hildebrand, Swan Song promises to be a diverting summer read. A new family moves to Nantucket and hosts lavish parties, but the close-knit community there will be swept up into scandal and intrigue when the Richardson house burns down and someone disappears. This marriage of beach read and murder mystery seems the perfect vacation novel.
HIT ME HARD AND SOFT
BILLIE EILISH
“I feel like this album is me. It’s not a character,” Billie Eilish told Rolling Stone of her upcoming album Hit Me Hard and Soft. In interviews teasing the album, the singer has been open about feeling disconnected from herself in the era of Happier than Ever and blonde hair—and she's also extremely open about her sexuality. Like much of Eilish’s work, this probably won’t be an album to listen to with the kids, but Eilish has hinted that the 10 tracks (among them “L’Amour De ma Vie,” “Wildflower,” and “Blue”) return to the style of her 2019 album When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?
AS IT EVER WAS, SO WILL IT BE AGAIN THE DECEMBERISTS
The lead single for The Decemberists’ new album is a 19-minute progressive rock epic about Joan of Arc titled “Joan in the Garden.” Any album that ends with a track like this promises to be interesting—and As It Ever Was, So Will It Be Again, the band’s first double LP and first album since I’ll Be Your Girl in 2018, most likely will be. With tracks like “Long White Veil” and “William Fitzwilliam,” this should be a complex, enthralling listen for fans of indie rock.
Written and directed by Jeff Nichols, this historical drama follows a biker gang called the Vandals from its origin as a group of friends who love motorcycles to something darker and more dangerous—and the film’s protagonists, Katy and Benny, will find their relationship caught between the two. Set in the Midwest in the 60s, this promises to be another well-executed, if darker, take on the period. Premiering at the Telluride film festival, The Bikeriders has already garnered critical acclaim.
The lead single for Meghan Trainor’s new album, “Been Like This,” is a poppy, nostalgic collaboration with T-Pain to an undeniable dance beat. The album drop marks the beginning of Trainor’s “Timeless Tour,” her first tour in seven years. Trainor has teased a second single, “To the Moon,” another dance number that highlights the singer’s effortless soprano, on TikTok, where fans enthused about the new, upbeat sound of her upcoming work: as one put it, “So different and I am HERE for this era.”
After its debut at the Telluride Film Festival in fall 2023, Wildcat, starring Maya Hawke as Flannery O’Connor, is in theaters this summer. The film is an artistic take on the unusual, complex, and often spiky personality of one of the most revered writers of our time. Weaving together events from both O’Connor’s stories and her real life, it promises to explore the writer’s battle with lupus, her struggle to fit into Southern society, and above all, the imagination that made her see the world in her own distinctive way.
FLY ME TO THE MOON
Channing Tatum and Scarlett Johanssen star in this unusual take on a romcom: Kelly Jones, a marketing specialist, is hired to “sell the moon” in the context of the 1960s space race. Along the way, she meets Cole Davis, the NASA director coordinating the launch of Apollo 11. But there’s a wrinkle in their relationship from the beginning: Kelly Jones is here to fake the moon landing, so that the USA has a backup in case the mission fails. A historical watch with a fun fictional twist that picks up a popular conspiracy theory, this is a lighthearted film that fans of '60s fashion will particularly enjoy.
BY MARGARET BRADY
Verily
associate editor Margaret
Brady talked with the book’s chief researcher, Zach Rausch, about what he and Haidt found.
MARGARET BRADY: In 2007, the iPhone was released, and it functioned like a digital Swiss Army knife: a calculator, flashlight, and map, all in one. Dr. Haidt’s book says the real game changer was social media apps designed for the smartphone. Can you talk about how that combo was so impactful?
ZACH RAUSCH: I think it’s such an important point that’s often missed in the conversation. I often hear people talking about “just” social media, or “just” smartphones. I think the conversation needs to be about how they interact with each other.
We’re trying to understand why adolescent mental health really deteriorated within a very short period of time, between 2010 and 2015. The iPhone came out in 2007, and social media came out before then—we had MySpace and Facebook. Both had issues, but they weren’t causing much of a crisis. In 2010, most adolescents didn’t have a smartphone. They didn’t have a high-speed data plan, a frontfacing camera on their phone, or an Instagram account. By 2015, they had all of those.
Social media transformed from being about networking to being “platforms” where we are, in essence, standing on a stage, performing for an audience, by posting videos or pictures of ourselves, of our lives, to be judged by the world. That is only possible with the combination of smartphones with frontfacing cameras, new platforms like Instagram, and the ability to carry this thing around in our pocket all throughout the day.
This combined capability is particularly harmful for adolescents going through puberty, when we are so sensitive to our social environment, to feeling included. You’re developing your sense of identity, your sense of group identity. When we put that on a stage to be judged, it’s a disaster.
MB: How do you answer skeptics who say it’s a matter of correlation, not causation? Maybe more kids report anxiety and depression because it’s no longer taboo. Or maybe young people are just very stressed out by the American economy. The fact that smartphones and social media took hold at the same time is a coincidence.
ZR: I have two things to say about this. First, these things are not mutually exclusive. You can have reduced stigma, and you can make it easier for people to talk about mental health problems.
That doesn’t mean we can’t, at the same time, be having a mental-health crisis among young people. I don’t want to dismiss the idea that it is absolutely true that today, many more kids are talking about mental health.
But what can also be true is that we have not only changes in self-reporting, we also have the same pattern in many countries around the world. So, a U.S.-specific phenomenon is hard to explain in Iceland and New Zealand.
Second, we also have behavior metrics, where adolescent girls are now going to the [psychiatric] Emergency Room three times the amount they did just 10 years ago. These are 10- to 14-year-old girls, and they’re being hospitalized as well. When I look at those charts of self-harm episodes, it is shocking and disturbing, and it’s the same thing in many places across the world. And I don’t think that can be explained by the end of stigma.
There are dozens of experiments, and lots of studies showing harm, but I do recommend your readers check out our substack, After Babel, where we lay out many different articles trying to show that causality.
MB: Do tech companies know how their product is affecting people?
ZR: What we know from their own internal research, which came out of the Facebook Files [exposé] a couple of years ago, is that their own reports found their platform makes body image worse—Instagram in particular— for preteen girls.
One of the most disturbing facts I recently came across, from a Facebook whistle-blower named Arturo Bejar, reflected in the recent Senate hearings on social media platforms, was where he said that almost one out of five—13 percent—of children ages 13 to 15 have had some kind of unwanted sexual contact on social media in the last 7 days. He says it’s one of the biggest cases of sexual harassment, ever. And very little, or nothing, is being done about it.
MB: Both boys and girls are affected by this, but girls seem to have it worse.
ZR: The data is very clear about girls and social media. Again and again, we find the same pattern: The effects and time spent on these platforms are much worse for girls. For boys, it’s more complicated; the research is more mixed. Often, we find no effects. Of course, this is not to say that boys are not impacted.
On average, boys and girls have different fundamental motivations. Especially for young girls, it’s about communion, relationships, group dynamics, feeling tight within your friend group. Social media really sells that. It’s about connection.
What we see with social media is that visual social comparison is something that girls particularly struggle with. Instagram and TikTok are all about visual social comparison. We are constantly seeing filtered, air-brushed,
curated images of ourselves and other people throughout the day. It’s all about beauty. And this is really harmful to developing self-image. Girls’ aggression also tends to be a little bit more relational than physical. Boys tend to punch it out. Girls tend to use more gossip. There’s nothing better on which to gossip and destroy the reputation of someone than social media.
MB: The book talks about how kids have few guardrails online, but at the same time, in real life, they’re locked down with a trend called “safetyism.” That’s the other half of the equation.
ZR: The key idea is, we believe the phonebased childhood is so harmful because kids need a play-based childhood.
All mammals need to play to wire up their brains, to grow up and thrive. I love watching kittens play; they’re fighting with each other. In that process, they learn to navigate interaction. How hard can I bite? How hard can I hit? When kittens aren’t able to have those experiences, they end up really struggling when they get older. They’re more violent; they end up not knowing how to use their claws the right way.
Humans are no different. We need to have thousands of experiences every single year, every single day, to practice interacting with others in the real world, navigating conflict and struggle, but all of that should be very low risk.
Online life is much more high risk. When you are online and posting things, you don’t know: You could get berated; you could have something sent out about you to thousands of people. The pressures are very high, which makes it very hard to take risks. That’s part of the reason online life is not good enough. We need to have a small friend group and be engaging with each other, playing.
And hopefully, you have some unsupervised time where you’re trying to learn with each other to manage things. Not just having adults around managing all conflict, preventing anything bad from ever happening.
So the core idea is that kids need to have these experiences in order to grow up and to thrive. And both over-protection in the real world and smartphones act as “experience blockers,” preventing kids from having the experiences that they need to really be prepared to set off to be free and out in the world.
What we’re hoping is that by giving kids more opportunity for freedom and independence in the real world, and more protection online, we’ll be setting them up for success.
MB: Is there any hope?
ZR: The only way to solve this problem is to coordinate together to get out of it. Find a group of your children’s friends, maybe three or four or five of them, and their parents, who agree to delay smart phones until age 14. We create little networks of phone-free childhood, where the kids play together in person.
I really believe we’ll see the benefits come, where we’ll feel more connected and less lonely, and find more meaning in our lives.
BY LINDSEY WEISHAR
For the longest time, I’ve been afraid to dream—to name my hopes, desires, and aspirations. I don’t think I would have acknowledged this fear to myself even a year ago; in truth, I wasn’t aware of it. You see, deep fearfulness and the ever-present accompaniment of anxiety entered my life at such a young age that ever since, much of my mental space has been devoted to managing perceived threats.
In middle school, I developed a habit of saying aloud to friends, “I probably did bad on that test.” This defense mechanism allowed me protection. If I did badly, I had already anticipated it. If I did better that I had thought, I could quietly move on to the next potentially threatening task with the same attitude.
This attitude calls to mind the adult temptation toward cynicism. If I look at the world around me with negativity and pessimism, I can create distance between myself and potential disappointment. What I’ve found is that this attitude saps the joy and color from life. It invites me into comparison with others. Too often, I’ve surrendered attentiveness to my own heart in favor of distraction and dissociation.
Awakening to the necessity of having hopes for my life was influenced in part by the work of Isaac Wicker, a Minnesota-based therapist and creator of Whole Human Challenge (wholehumanchallenge.com).
Wicker’s program, described as a “sevenweek Catholic mental health program aimed at being fully alive in mind, body, and spirit,” invited me into exercises and routines meant to change the ways I approach my life. For example, each session opens with the instruction to write down “ten beautiful moments” from the past week. This reorientation of my thinking helped me realize that in the midst of exhaustion, worry, and difficult thoughts, true, good, and beautiful moments exist too.
Wicker’s therapeutic approach begins with tapping into a client’s hopes and dreams. “If we start by going into the client’s darkness, it is very confining,” he says. “It doesn’t give motivation. So, we start by moving toward light through practical exercises which involve the imagination.”
One of these exercises, entitled “My Deeper Goals,” presents clients with “being goals” that focus on the questions, “Who do you want to be?” and “How do you want to live?” Wicker notes that when helping a person reorient how he or she sees life, “It’s helpful to have a list. It’s hard to generate ideas of what hopes or dreams look like by yourself, but when you see it, you know it.”
As a person makes her way through the list—which includes goals like, “Build friendships that last,” “Find moments of wonder every day,” and “Communicate effectively in all relationships”—she is encouraged to notice which items resonate and to imagine what her life would be like if those goals were in place.
into the familiar ruts of anxious thinking, these resolutions remind me that dreaming is not frivolous. They allow me to imagine— and pursue—hopefulness, helping my brain accustom itself to a fuller scope of reality.
While hope is certainly a virtue worth pursuing, especially in our current cultural climate interwoven with despair, it requires vulnerability—an openness not only to possible joy but also to possible disappointment.
Wicker agrees that hope and vulnerability are connected: “We are scared to hope big. The more we’ve been hurt by life, the more we shrink our hopes. Our desires in themselves are vulnerable. The most vulnerable parts of us are our wounds and our desires. Our wounds are ultimately connected to our desires.”
I had never thought my wounds could tell me about my desires, about the ways I had allowed hurtful words and actions to shrink me in ways both big and small. In my young teens, I learned how to hide within myself to deal with teasing by my peers. In my adult life, that hiding plays out in deflections when
Being asked to imagine my future with these “growth words” at play helped me begin to see a future in which hope exists, in which I’m not stuck in my fearfulness. The same imagination that used to generate so many anxious worries was leading me somewhere new. Wicker says this exercise is meant to be a springboard “to foster and build a part of yourself,” perhaps a part that has long been dormant. In reframing how we see ourselves, we allow a new story room to grow.
The act of writing poetry has been particularly grounding for me, because despite my tendency to readily express my anxieties and lack of hope in speech, I find such negative expression harder when crafting a poem. In this space, hope is a truth I can’t turn my back on, the light something I cannot discount while exploring the shadows. The connection between truth and hope is something Wicker has also observed:
“True hope comes from seeing truth. Our problem with hope is often a lack of attention or a distortion within our attention. In threat mode, we focus on past, present, and future threats so we can feel safer. In this state, we filter out neutral and positive information. When we’re in a negative cycle, a simple way to break it is stating positives that are real. I do it with beautiful moments.”
This act of imagination both attracted and unsettled me. The exercise asked that I shed my defensive practice of imagining the negative. And this, Wicker told me in a recent interview, is the point: “This exercise orients you away from fighting battles and destroying problems to get relief. When you’re oriented toward deeper goals, problems can present themselves as opportunities, as ways to reach your goal.”
One step in that direction was that for the first time in years, I set New Year’s resolutions. And when I say New Year’s resolutions, I don’t mean the lofty, multi-step, grandiose productions I had previously imagined worthy of the name “resolution.” I mean the tasks-that-can-beaccomplished-in-one-day kind of resolutions. A few of mine included hanging pictures on my bedroom walls (something I had held off doing in my still-transitory lifestyle), copying friends’ addresses into an address book, and going on a retreat. Some of my other resolutions required more preparation, like finishing a draft of a novel; still others required the presence of others, like my resolution to go on a date. Though many days I still find myself drawn
it comes to expressing desire. I’m more likely to passively remark that I don’t care where we go to eat or what activity we do, when if I were to enter more fully into the decision at hand, I might be able to uncover my desires.
Though small decisions for Thai over pizza or a walk in the woods instead of a bar setting may not seem related to my desires to be known, accepted, and loved by others and to have my thoughts and opinions honored, they are all of a piece. Acknowledging these desires is indeed being vulnerable. But in doing so, I become more integrated in my own life and less immersed in my fears.
In helping with the practice of recognizing our desires and building hope, the stories we tell ourselves matter. I appreciated Wicker’s “Revisioning Myself” exercise, which invited me to look at a list of words and choose five that “describe you most of the time.” Predictably, I tended toward heavier words like “closedoff” and “exhausted.” After reflecting on how these words show up in my daily life, I was asked to return to the list to choose “the top ten words you wish described you most of the time.” I chose words like “rested,” “joyful,” and “connected.”
In the quicksand of my worries, it is when I stop to reflect on the moments of light and beauty in my days that I regain firm ground. What I’m learning, both from Wicker and from the small steps I’m taking toward resurrecting old hopes, is that healthy dreaming paired with action can actually help reorient one’s life.
For me, these actions can be incredibly small. Sometimes, it’s having the courage to ask for something, to look someone in the eyes when I’m talking to them, to express an opinion. They are reminders that change—in my outlook, in my sense of safety and selfhood—comes from faithfulness to the simple moments right in front of me.
To dream is not to get lost in the fantasy of an idyllic or horrific future, but to hope while grounded in the truth of who I am now and who I want to become. Right now, dreaming is placing one foot in front of the other, sometimes uncertain of where the next step will lead me. Hope reminds me that for all life’s worries and woes, there is much to delight in. To dream is to carry that hope within me. In doing so, I experience revision, or re-vision— the ability to “see again” the life I hope to live, to dwell with the possible.
Does it mean being vulnerable? Yes. But I’m finding I’d much prefer to live life with the sorrowful and the joyful, with disappointment and fulfillment. A life in full color.
Lindsey Weishar holds an MFA in Creative Writing and is happiest when writing poetry and sipping Earl Grey.
BY JEANETTE FLOOD
Jen Fulwiler is a stand-up comic, bestselling author, and host of a hilarious podcast, all while balancing a healthy life with her husband and six (yes, six) kids.
When it comes to dreams, Fulwiler is an expert. Not only has she pursued and achieved quite a few dreams, but she’s also been quite gutsy in doing so. Her website relates: “She quit [her job as a former radio show host] to do comedy full time. She self-produced her first standup comedy tour—booking theaters across the country with nothing more than a Google search and her personal credit card—and sold out almost every show.” And her podcast, The Jen Fulwiler Show, “debuted in the Comedy Top 10 on Apple Podcasts, and sounds like someone giving a TED Talk after three mimosas.” Moreover, she’s shared her experiences and tips in two books: One Beautiful Dream and Your Blue Flame
Jen not only gives her audiences permission to follow their dreams, but she also sees it as something of a duty, at least with the right kind of dreams. She defines this kind of passion as a “blue flame,” which is “something you do, and were destined to do, that brings you energy and adds love to the world.”
Verily editor Mary Rose Somarriba and I went to see Jen Fulwiler’s comedy show in Columbus, Ohio, and really enjoyed it. Jen is one busy woman, but she agreed to an email interview. Here’s what she had to say.
JEANETTE FLOOD: What's your elevator speech on the blue flame?
JEN FULWILER: Your blue flame is the work that you're meant to do, that adds love to the world in a unique way. You'll know you've found it when it doesn't feel like work; in fact, it gives you energy when you do it.
When I say "work," I don't mean only paid work. For example, one of my friends is a great listener, and she volunteers at nursing homes to spend time with lonely residents. That's a perfect example of a blue flame.
FLOOD: How did you discover standup comedy as your blue flame?
FULWILER: My blue flame in its most broad definition is "using words to enrich others' lives." So that encompasses book writing, social media, radio and podcasting, as well as standup. Standup comedy just happens to be my favorite channel of this blue flame, and the one I have chosen to make a career out of.
All my life, I got the best feedback from readers and listeners when I was being funny. I did humor writing on an old website I ran back in the early 2000s that often went so viral that the server shut down due to traffic overload. Radio
listeners often said they only listened to my show for the funny parts. So humor has always been a key part of my work, but I never pursued standup because I knew how hard it was and was intimidated by it. However, once I had done a ton of public speaking related to my books and radio show, I knew that I at least had the stage presence nailed down, so I tried it. I was hooked from day one.
FLOOD: What tips do you recommend for keeping a healthy work-life balance while following your blue flame?
FULWILER: Author Julie Lyles Carr, a mom of eight and good friend of mine, once analogized life balance to watching a gymnast on a balance beam. The gymnast veers too far to the left, then too far to the right. She is constantly correcting to stay centered as much as possible, but she never stays perfectly in the center for more than a few seconds. This is a great analogy, because it helped me understand that balance isn't a one-and-done thing. It's not something you can be perfectly consistent with. Life is messy and unpredictable. Sometimes you get yourself in over your head, and you're very overwhelmed. This is a normal part of life. Like the gymnast, you need to pull back and correct as you're able, but accept these moments of wobbling too far one way or the other as all part of the fun.
The keys are to stay positive, constantly communicate with your family about what's working and what's not, and be willing to let go of activities that are the "right" thing to do but aren't really serving anyone.
FLOOD: Can one's blue flame evolve over time?
FULWILER: Yes. My grandfather is a good example of this. As an engineer, he loved overseeing the construction of complicated refineries. It was his blue flame. But when his career was cut short in his early 50s due to a near-fatal illness, he discovered cooking. From his 50s to his death at age 100, his blue flame was cooking. He made incredible, lavish, gourmet meals for us until age 99.
I appreciate Jen’s emphasis on the blue flame over individual dreams. Because some dreams don’t work out.
My husband and I started off with plenty of dreams. A major dream was his having a concert career as a classical guitarist. We pursued that one pretty hard, moving across the country so James could get a master’s degree with the man he considered the best guitarist in the world, Manuel Barrueco. Very shortly after he’d attained that degree, with a year’s worth of concerts scheduled, he began to experience serious pain in one of his arms. He rested and tried this doctor and that physical therapist but had to postpone or cancel one concert after another . . . until they were all canceled. No one seemed to know what the problem was or how to help him. He went to 17 doctors and PTs over several years and not only got worse, but developed an additional condition in both arms that could have paralyzed them both. In other words, that dream was a dumpster fire. Finally, he saw a doctor in Manhattan, just before his retirement, who diagnosed him and got him (almost) back to normal. But that dream could not be resuscitated; it was too late.
At the time, I was pretty mad at God about the situation, but James had admirable trust and peace. He saw that a concert career could have had some very negative impacts on our family, and he was grateful he could use his talents in other ways. We didn’t know the phrase “blue flame” then, but James has definitely used his—as a classical guitar teacher, cantor, liturgical musician, choir director, and now a music-school founder and director.
When a dream crashes and burns, it’s tempting to grieve and give up. Jen Fulwiler, in Your Blue Flame, teaches that you can take your blue flame and find a great new place to let it burn safely and brightly, bringing light and warmth to those around you.
—Jeanette
BY MADELINE FRY SCHULTZ
A decade ago, everyone was talking about how Photoshop affected body image.
Model Cameron Russell gave a viral TED Talk in 2012 in which she compared old photos of herself with the stylized shots in magazine spreads and on the cover of Vogue. “These pictures are not pictures of me,” she says. “They are constructions.” Hair stylists, make-up artists, photographers, and, of course, Photoshop all worked together to create a woman who was no longer Cameron Russell; she was an ideal.
At the time, Russell reported that “of the 13-year-old girls in the United States, 53 percent don’t like their bodies, and that number goes to 78 percent by the time that they’re 17.”
Other models have striven to be open about the dishonesty inherent in their imagebased industry, as well. "I want to wake up looking like Cindy Crawford,” said Cindy Crawford, reflecting a few years ago on her supermodel career.
Thanks to a push toward body positivity, we’ve been told, over and over again, that what we see in magazines, movies, and advertisements is fake. Maybe we even remind ourselves every time we see a close-up of a woman with no pores. But it’s harder to remind ourselves that we’re looking at a fake product when we’re scrolling through Instagram.
Social media stars are also peddling unattainable body standards, and no group stands out more than the Kardashians.
A few years ago, the family and its horde of agents scrambled to cover up the “scandal” of an unaltered bikini photo of Khloe Kardashian posted online. Posing in a barely-there leopard-print bikini, the 36-yearold looks happy and curvy. Her skin flows the way skin on a human body does, but not the way skin on a Photoshopped model is supposed to look. That, for the Kardashians, was the problem.
In an approved bikini shot posted around the same time, Khloe is wearing a full face of makeup, and some Instagram filters have evidently scrubbed her skin of any blemishes.
When the “scandal” happened in April 2021, I remember thinking, “Who wouldn’t want to look like that?” All body shapes and sizes are beautiful, and so is Khloe’s. The fact that the Kardashians would be ashamed of the first photo seems insulting to the rest of us. But it’s clear that in the world of reality stars and social-media influencers, the only beautiful body is one that has been digitally altered into a semi-cartoonish state.
It’s also more of a reflection on the Kardashians and their perception of the world than anything else. As cultural theorist Jean Kilbourne asks, “How sexy can a woman feel if she hates her body?”
of the less-than-famous.
I tried several popular Instagram filters to see how they’d change my face. I went from having no makeup on to having smooth skin, aggressively blue eyes, and tiny freckles. With another filter, I had long, black eyelashes; Kardashian-plump lips; and a thinner nose. One filter, less fake than the rest, simply washed out
Instagram didn’t exist until 2010. Now, many of us are scrolling through it every day, flipping through thousands of photos and videos of seemingly normal but beautiful-looking people too quickly to evaluate how many filters have contributed to the final published look.
As of March 2020, nearly 50 percent of U.S. adults were using Instagram. Many of those users are ordinary women who’ve altered their photos. In a report surveying women in the United Kingdom, a researcher found that 90 percent “of women report using a filter or editing their photos before posting to even out their skin tone, reshape their jaw or nose, shave off weight, brighten or bronze their skin or whiten their teeth.”
THANKS TO A PUSH TOWARD BODY POSITIVITY, WE’VE BEEN TOLD, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, THAT WHAT WE SEE IN MAGAZINES, MOVIES, AND ADVERTISEMENTS IS FAKE. MAYBE WE EVEN REMIND OURSELVES EVERY TIME WE SEE A CLOSE-UP OF A WOMAN WITH NO PORES. BUT IT’S HARDER TO REMIND OURSELVES THAT WE’RE LOOKING AT A FAKE PRODUCT WHEN WE’RE SCROLLING THROUGH INSTAGRAM.
You might say that Khloe Kardashian wants to wake up looking like Khloe Kardashian.
It’s not just the rich and well-connected who can maintain the illusion of perfection through their Instagram feeds, though. Now, it’s all of us—if we choose to.
Facetune (a selfie editing app Vox describes as “a cheap, easy-to-use Photoshop alternative in the pocket of anyone with a smartphone, allowing them to smooth, slim, or skew any part of their face or body in an instant”) and its competitors bring the temptation of false-perfection into the hands
my features so I couldn’t see my under-eye circles. The illusion was good; it was probably the eeriest of them all.
Luckily, the body positivity movement hasn’t died, and plenty of videos around Instagram show women with faces half in, half out of these filters, dispelling the illusion. They reveal that we really do all have pores, and that these filters create images of women who do not exist. The problem is that tons of us keep using the filters and consuming imagery produced with them, anyway.
As statistics show, many of us are not very happy with our bodies. Part of the reason is clear: We’re constantly being told that our bodies are not good enough—not just explicitly through plastic surgery advertisements and weight loss programs, but implicitly, through seas of beautiful women on Instagram who seem to live the same lives as we do—just looking prettier while doing it.
We can tell ourselves that Facetuned imagery is a lie, just like glossy, Photoshopped magazine spreads are a lie, but it’s still hard at times to let that perception sink in. Maybe the answer is spending less time on social media, or encouraging women with big platforms to edit less. It will help to start getting real about the deception of Instagram filters, as many women have already done.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting photos to look good. But do we really want to contribute to a false reality that tells women time and time again that they’ll never be enough?
Every once in a while we need a reminder that our unfiltered bodies are perfect without the aid of photoediting apps. It may not be easy to remember in the age of Instagram, but Regina Spektor summed it up pretty well when she sang, “I've got a perfect body / But sometimes I forget / I've got a perfect body / 'Cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.”
Madeline
D.C.
BY ALEKSANDRA JANKOVIC
A bit of healthy dreaming can help us thrive personally and professionally, and there are practic al steps we can take to incorporate our dreams into our realities.
In early 2017, I woke with a searing migraine. It was so bad that I could hardly see straight, and I nearly collapsed when I slid my legs from my bed onto the hardwood floor. Concerned, my husband lifted me back into bed and handed me my phone so I could call my boss. There was no way I could drive to work, let alone crank out one of my typical 10-hour days.
I rarely, if ever, got migraines—only when I was severely stressed. In the past week, though, I’d had three. I knew it was because of my job. I’d
BY ALEXANDRA DAVIS
worked hard throughout law school, studied for the bar, and put my game face on for interviews with law firms. I was elated when I finally landed a job with a great firm in my town. But within months of working there, I felt a horrific, nagging fear rise in my chest: I’d chosen the wrong profession. I was on the wrong path. This job, this line of work, was not a good fit, and it was not only stealing my joy—it was making me physically ill.
The next few months brought a tsunami of
stress and anxiety: GI issues that drove me to a bevy of specialists, an autoimmune-disease diagnosis, panic attacks. I cried every day, and I felt ridiculous for it. I was a lucky woman with a degree and a good job. I was not suffering any real hardship. Any "legitimate" trauma. Every day, I worked with people who were truly being tested, who had truly lost everything, whether it was a loved one who had suffered a horrific accident or a financial transaction gone bad. I, on the other hand, had nothing to complain about.
Nonetheless, I was miserable.
During this time, I often found myself daydreaming. On my lunchtime walks, on my commute, and over dinner with my husband, I caught myself envisioning a very different life, one in which I had the freedom to use my creative gifts and didn’t feel sick to my stomach all day long. One where I could earn a living doing what I loved, maybe even working from home, maybe even for myself. Maybe even writing for a living. Maybe running my own business. These dreams brought me consolation and invigorated me. Intrigued, I started to lean into them.
As months passed and the toll of my illfitting job grew more severe, I started to act on these dreams. What started as a bit of daydreaming progressed into research: books, podcasts, blogs. I voraciously consumed content about women—many of them former lawyers—who had started companies. Had become writers. Had leaned into their creative sides but earned a workable income from doing so.
Then, I got bold: I started reaching out. I met with people in my industry to discuss a potential career pivot. I contacted bloggers to hear their stories. I even launched my own blog, and featured many of these stories on its digital pages. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I felt an inexplicable flutter of joy and hopeful expectation in my tight, anxious chest: With this legwork, I felt like I was closing the gap between my present reality and my seemingly audacious dreams.
What felt so bold and unattainable at the time has, very slowly, become a reality. Now, I run my own business. I write for a living. I am fortunate to be able to use both my law degree and my creative gifts. I work from home. I earn a modest but viable living wage doing what I enjoy. It’s taken tremendous amounts of time and work, and I have a long way to go to truly see my vision come to fruition. But it started with a seed—a dream on a lunchtime walk in the biting January air.
percent of their waking hours, often thinking of scenarios like getting a promotion, flying a plane, or inventing something. And while that might seem wistful or counterproductive, the same article suggests that daydreaming can actually foster creativity and encourage systematic, innovative problem-solving. In other words, daydreaming can yield real, tangible results.
Granted, dreaming can also go too far, lapsing into counterproductivity. We can likely all relate to feeling as though our heads are stuck in the clouds, leaving us detached from reality and avoiding the work—and responsibilities—in front of us.
When used well, however, dreaming can be a powerful tool for personal change and development, especially in our careers. The key is to wield it as an instrument rather than an escape hatch from reality. A few practical steps can transform dreaming from counterproductive musing to a catalyst for change.
daydream from your current reality? How would living that dream make you feel?
02. REACH OUT.
If you find yourself constantly dreaming about a novel project, exciting venture, or a new career path entirely, locate people in your community who are doing the type of work you admire. Take them to coffee or lunch and ask them questions. Figure out how they got from Point A to Point B. Find out what they are reading, what they are listening to, what skills they are building. Ask them who else you should meet.
This type of active social listening will build a bridge between your dreams—which are just seeds—and the reality of doing work that you love.
03. TAKE RISKS.
I CRIED EVERY DAY, AND I FELT RIDICULOUS FOR IT. I WAS A LUCKY WOMAN WITH A DEGREE AND A GOOD JOB. I WAS NOT SUFFERING ANY REAL HARDSHIP, ANY “LEGITIMATE” TRAUMA.
Act on your dreams by taking small calculated risks. For instance, if you dream about making a living pursuing a creative passion, like baking, set up a simple Instagram account to share photos of your culinary creations. Or, if you dream about being a writer, launch a blog and publish a few thought pieces. This isn’t a call to quit your job, sell your house, or throw caution to the wind: it is simply an invitation to explore your passions and desires. Figure out what calculated risks you can take to start living your dream and what you need to do to accommodate those risks. Do you need permission from your boss to side hustle at a photography company? Do you need to enlist the help of a creative friend to snap photos of your artwork? Do you need to save up a bit to purchase that domain name and website template? Figure out what you need, and make space for it in your schedule, finances, and mind.
Most everyone can relate to the phenomenon of dreaming—what some people call “daydreaming” or “fantasizing.” For me, what started as escapism became a very real manifestation of what I deeply desired both professionally and personally. For others, dreaming may be a way to experiment creatively and to imagine different paths to success.
To practical adults, this pastime may sound juvenile, but research suggests that children are not the only ones who can— and should—let themselves get caught up in daydreaming. Participants in a Harvard study reported letting their minds wander 46.9
01. PAY ATTENTION.
If you find yourself dreaming, take note of the substance. Do you consistently find yourself fantasizing about a different work situation? A different lifestyle? Pay attention to these thoughts and use them as breadcrumbs. Particularly pay attention to the ones that feel grounded in reality versus those that are outlandish and overwrought. For instance, a consistent daydream about being ultrawealthy and sitting on a beach all day probably won’t serve you very well professionally. On the other hand, if you find yourself dreaming and scheming about what it would be like to make a full-time job out of one of your hobbies or passions, get curious about what that would actually look like. What tasks would fill your day-to-day schedule? Where would you work? Who would work with you—or for you? How much would you earn? How different is this
At the same time, however, keep this important truth in mind: In many cases, pivoting into a full-time pursuit of your passion as a career may be neither desirable or feasible. For some, fulfilling our dreams may look much simpler, like picking up a side hobby, switching teams at the office, taking on a novel project, or simply revamping our routines and rhythms to incorporate more time for physical, mental, and spiritual wellness. Not everyone has to actively dream about the “ideal” job (spoiler alert: there isn’t one, anyway), and not everyone has to turn a passion into a career.
The point is to find ways to imaginatively, creatively, and permissively lean into what brings us energy, joy, and rest, and to doggedly pursue those for the sake of our own wellbeing—and the greater good.
Only you can determine the best way to spend your money. Eliminating outside noise and establishing your personal priorities—social, environmental, political, and so on—are the keys to more easily making decisions that are uniquely right for you.
You vote with your money. Your purchase can make a difference. Don’t you want what’s best for you and your loved ones?
We may not be aware of it, but we face a lot of pressure on a daily basis when it comes to how we spend our money. Certainly, there are local and far-reaching consequences to
BY LINDSAY SCHLEGEL
where and how we spend, and as responsible adults. We want to be aware of that. But sometimes it can seem that everywhere we turn, someone has an opinion—some more forceful than others—on how our money gets put to use.
When we're given options for a certain product or service, one mindset is that we
ought to choose the cheaper alternative to get more “bang” for our buck. On the flip side, there’s the philosophy that we should buy items that are "better" for us, the environment, or social concerns around the world—even if those items cost more.
We here at Verily are all for good value. But we’re also all for using products and services
that best serve our own unique lifestyles. So when it comes time to pull out our wallets, how do we choose which way to go?
The only person who can decide the best way to spend your money is . . . you. Only you are aware of the myriad factors that play a role in your spending decisions, some of these being your saving goals, your monthly expenses, your loans, your values, your gifts to charity, your medical needs, your hobbies, and your leisure-time preferences.
It is likely impossible for all these realities to exist and for you to buy the fair-trade version of every product you use, only use organic anything on your skin, and give to every campaign that comes your way. Besides, when you try to spend your money in each way friends, family members, financial advisers, advertising campaigns, marketing promotions, and organizations you support say you “should,” you’ll find a lot of contradictions.
We recognize the irony in writing a financial advice column that suggests you “should” stop listening to the “shoulds” that present themselves in your circles. But please consider giving yourself permission to do just that.
You can’t prioritize everything. It induces another kind of stress to attempt to save every possible penny and never use a disposable napkin again, give a week’s pay every month to animal rescue, and buy only from local shops. These examples are intentionally hyperbolic: the point we want to make is that you can’t spend the same dollar twice. And the good news is, when you’ve articulated your spending priorities, you don’t have to try to anymore.
Each of us is in a unique chapter of a unique life. For some, packing lunches in machine-washable, reusable bags is a possibility that does good for the environment. For others, managing day-to-day tasks is a struggle, and paper plates are a saving grace because they mean one less chore to take care of. There’s no shame in doing what you and your family need and in spending the resources required to make that a reality.
theoretical. It’s coming out of your pocket— not the pockets of your friends, co-workers, or parents.
There likely come times when you genuinely want to buy the environmentally friendly option and support local businesses and buy those skincare products that are
only resource you have available to give: your time and your talents are just as valuable, and those assets can be offered in their own ways to support causes that touch your heart.
The more you are aware of the forces playing on you and your choices, the better you will be able to manage them.
THE MORE YOU ARE AWARE OF THE FORCES PLAYING ON YOU AND YOUR CHOICES, THE BETTER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE THEM. . . IF SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCERS ARE CAUSING YOU STRESS ABOUT YOUR FINANCES (OR ANY OTHER ELEMENT OF YOUR LIFE, FOR THAT MATTER), UNFOLLOW THEM. WITHOUT THE EXTRA NOISE, YOU CAN FOCUS ON WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU.
When friends or family make unwelcome suggestions, be ready with a short, courteous reply—you may even want to practice in front of a mirror first. Try, “That’s not a priority for me right now,” “I’d rather keep my finances personal,” or simply, “Could we talk about something else?”
If social media influencers are causing you stress about your finances (or any other element of your life, for that matter), unfollow them. If you are feeling pressure to take advantage of sales or promotions or to donate to certain causes, unsubscribe from those email lists.
If television commercials get into your head, record your shows in advance and fast forward through the commercials. If you’re watching live, mute the commercials. Without the extra noise, you can focus on what’s important to you. Begin to develop a list of causes you’d like to contribute to or changes you’d like to make in your spending. Keep track of your progress in a place you can regularly access (like a note-taking app on your phone). This way, the next time you feel compelled to spend your money for someone else’s cause, you can remind yourself that your money is going exactly where you intend it to go.
What you do with your money is going to change over time. Different seasons ask different things of our resources. Thoughtful, purposeful decision making—with an eye on both the present and the future—means you can be confident in your choices and spend without regrets.
Lindsay Schlegel is an associate editor of Verily and co-author of The Road to Hope: Responding to the Crisis of Addiction.
Often, there is valid evidence to support opposing purchase decisions. But the money being spent in any of these situations is not
supposed to be so good for you. But if your budget won't allow it, you have to choose what is most important to you in this season, or find a middle-of-the-road option. It’s okay to let some of your priorities go.
And don’t forget that money is not the
More and more women are rejecting the standard 9-to-5 office job in favor of a flexible work-from-wherever career path.
BY SOPHIE CALDECOTT
Traveling the world to photograph flowers, working in your favorite café when you’re craving a very specific slice of carrot cake, writing about dream destinations for Vogue, developing recipes in your English country cottage kitchen—it may be the stuff of Instagram fairy tales, but it’s also the reality for more and more working women today.
Flexible and remote working opportunities have been steadily increasing over the past few years; according to Global Workplace Analytics, the number of employees who regularly work from home in the USA “has grown by 115 percent since 2005, nearly 10x faster than the rest of the workforce.” Last year Forbes reported that freelancers now make up 35 percent of the U.S. workforce. And, as Marina Olson wrote for Verily back in 2014, it’s a particularly female version of the
American dream that has been evolving in recent years, with women pursuing online entrepreneurship in record numbers. And it's not just in the West; by connecting them via technology, more women in the Middle East and Asia are working from anywhere, too.
We talked to four women to hear the real stories behind their beautiful, workfrom-anywhere careers. Whether they run their own businesses, work as freelancers, or work from home on part-time flexible contracts, the joy and pride that they all take in creating work and lives they truly love is evident—but not without its challenges. Read on for some inspiration, along with a healthy dose of reality.
IT'S NOT ALL OR NOTHING . . .
Lindsay Radcliffe is a writer, photographer, and content creator
who lives and works from her cottage in the English countryside. She spends much of her time developing recipes and photographing food. It wasn’t as simple as setting up her own food blog and diving in as a freelancer when she moved out of London, though. “I've been doing this part-time for about 12 months, along with working for a beautiful events and exhibition house and garden in the local area,” she explains. Many women like Lindsay mix and match their freelance work with other parttime contract work they love, which provides them with a mix of security and independence.
Jo Rodgers is achieving a similar balance as a journalist, living and working from home in London. She works as a contributing writer for Vogue, and is writing her first novel. After working in the book-publishing industry for most of her twenties, first as an editor and then as a literary agent, she herself began writing herself about two years ago.
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After entrepreneur Rebecca McCandler and her husband were laid off just a month before their wedding, the couple set up several businesses that they now run together. She explains, “it quickly went from ‘This could be a good business’ to ‘We need to make this a successful business.’”
The first business, Bears & Butterflies, is a bell-tent rental company that provides accommodation for guests at special events; they first spotted a gap in the market when they were planning their own wedding. Rebecca’s husband, Brook, is a trained cameraman and film editor, so they also run McCandler Films, a video production company that specializes in films for small businesses, as well as Delightful Devon, which highlights the best that their local area has to offer.
Georgianna didn’t get there without being relentlessly passionate about her niche. Her advice to anyone wishing to pursue a career like hers? “Be fully committed to becoming the very best in your field. To be successful, you need to stand out and become known for exceptional products and service, so I recommend investing in the training and practice required to produce superlative work, whether it’s photography, painting, design, or providing a service. Never stop learning and improving your craft.”
MONTH
London Library or a café) helps. “On my most productive days, I’m normally up between 5 and 6 o’clock. I get in the bath and listen to the news on the radio. Typically I write in the early morning, break around 10 for some toast, write, break for a late lunch and a walk, and do logistical work (emails, invoices, scheduling) in the afternoon,” she says. Though, admittedly working from home means that “Things go awry all the time. Meetings, travel, and oven repairmen need attention. And then there’s the plain necessity for discipline, even if you have a golden, uninterrupted day ahead of you. Today I stopped writing to watch a video of a prairie dog eating a piece of cheese. And then to respond to some texts from my mother about the butternut squash in her garden (mildew!), and so on.”
WEDDING, THE COUPLE SET UP SEVERAL BUSINESSES THAT THEY NOW RUN TOGETHER. SHE EXPLAINS, “IT QUICKLY WENT FROM ‘THIS COULD BE A GOOD BUSINESS’ TO ‘WE NEED TO MAKE THIS A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS.’”
Georgianna Lane is a best-selling author and photographer; she released two books, Paris in Bloom and Vintage Roses this past year, and is currently working on several more. She is also the founder of Garden Photo World, a specialist horticultural stock photo library, and has two online shops selling fine art prints, books and stationery items; her work has appeared internationally in books, magazines, stationary, and home decor. Her life sounds as dreamy as the flowers and locations that she photographs: “I am fortunate to travel extensively photographing flowers, gardens, and iconic travel destinations. My days are mostly spent in parks and flower farms, on the streets of beautiful cities, or in my studio,” she says.
One of the most appealing things about working from home is that you are able to work more or less from anywhere you like, and design your own days. But what does this actually look like from the inside? “No one day is the same,” Lindsay shares, “but ideally I like to start off with an early-morning dog walk, followed by a big cup of coffee while I catch up on emails and admin. The rest of the day could involve a shoot, recipe developing, or a visit to a local producer or entrepreneur.”
Jo generally works from her desk at home, unless she hits writer’s block, in which case a change of scenes (usually to the stacks in the
Jo is thoughtful about isolation: “I think most writers enjoy working alone, and that can be a danger. It’s easy to justify putting your head down, and forget to be an engaged friend and member of the community. I have these lurid purple pineapple socks. They’re too terrible to wear outside, so when my husband sees me yanking them on in the morning, his eyebrows shoot up knowingly. And the eyebrows are right. What I’m saying is, I try not to reach for the pineapple socks too often.”
As Georgiana says, “Discipline is key if you want to be your own boss, both to keep yourself motivated to get the vital work done, and to allow yourself breathing space and some time of quiet reflection. Take a walk, see a good movie, walk through a garden, spend time with friends and family. Getting distance on your immediate work refreshes and gives clarity for creative ideas and problem solving. It’s really not just nice to do—it’s vital.”
Another, perhaps more unexpected, struggle is with other people’s expectations: “Be prepared for a lot of ‘Oh, how interesting’ said in a tone that implies you’ve made a terrible decision,” Rebecca says.
While it may still be harder to explain this kind of working life to others than a more traditional job—and it certainly isn't always as effortlessly beautiful as it looks—these opportunities for women are most definitely on the rise. And for those of us craving more freedom and flexibility in our lives, that's a beautiful thing.
Sophie Caldecott
BY CYNTHIA | TWO RED BOWLS
When it comes to summer desserts, few things, in my book, beat a cool, creamy affogato. Take a few hearty scoops of good vanilla ice cream, add a generous pour of strong espresso, and the melting swirls of caffeinated decadence that result are the key to my heart.
Traditionally, affogato is made with hot espresso. But on particularly hot and humid summer days, I like serving mine with very strong cold-brew coffee instead. Cold-brew coffee is made simply by soaking coffee grounds in cold water for an extended amount of time; time, rather than heat, draws out the coffee flavor. I find cold brewing yields a smoother, sweeter coffee with less acidity and less bitterness, which makes it both delicious on its own and perfect for dessert. Most importantly, though, the method avoids going near anything boiling and lets you skip straight to cooling off.
To make a cold-brew affogato yourself, here’s what you need and how to do it.
1 cup coffee grounds (coarsely ground is best, though any grind will work)
1 cup water a fine-mesh sieve or pour-over coffee maker
a coffee filter
1. Combine the coffee and water in a large jar or covered container and give it a good stir until all the grounds are moistened. Let sit, covered, for 24 hours.
2. Line a sieve or pour over coffeepot with a coffee filter. Any filter will work, but a thinner one is best. Pour the coffee mixture slowly into the filter and let the coffee drain through. If grounds remain in the container, just leave them.
3. Discard grounds, and you’re done! This recipe yields about 1/2 cup of very strong coffee.
NOTE: For regular cold brew coffee, increase the water to a 1:2 ratio (for every 1 cup of coffee grounds, use 2 cups water). This is for a very strong concentrate to use over ice cream, and I was buzzing after just one!
4 to 6 scoops good vanilla ice cream
1/4 to 1/3 cup cold-brew coffee concentrate, using the recipe above
1. Scoop vanilla ice cream into two individual cups.
2. Pour a generous amount of cold brew over each (at least a few tablespoons) and serve immediately.
Cynthia, author of A Common Table, is an avid eater and dabbling food-maker in California.
SUMMER SALAD RECIPE:
BY VALENTINA SOLFRINI
Sometimes I can't help but think of legumes as the kid at school who always gets picked last when assembling a soccer team—but who is actually the one with the most potential. Many people are intimidated by legumes, but they have tons of upside: They're nutritious, they're full of protein and fiber, gluten free, versatile enough to be added to almost any recipe—and they're cheap!
In the summer, when I crave fresh and easy meals, salads are a great solution. Legumes pair perfectly with leafy greens and work well with other gluten-free grains for a full, satisfying summer meal at the office or the beach.
This recipe is inspired by some of the most common ingredients in the Emilia-Romagna region of Italy, where balsamic vinegar is produced. To make this recipe even easier you can use canned legumes (dried are always better when possible). The lentils in this salad don't need any soaking, which keeps the prep hassle-free.
FOR THE SALAD:
1/2 cup dried lentils
1 bay leaf and 1 garlic clove
A big handful of baby spinach and arugula for each plate
Walnut halves, liberal amounts
3 Tbsps buckwheat groats
FOR THE ONIONY BALSAMIC DRESSING:
1/4 cup cipollini preserved in balsamic vinegar, chopped finely (or use the same amount of chopped shallots if you can't find these)
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
A drop of honey
A squeeze of lemon juice
A pinch of white pepper and sea salt
3 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 tbsp light oil, either olive or vegetable, like grapeseed
Chop the cipollini as finely as possible, then combine all the ingredients in a jar and shake it well. You can also put everything in a food processor. This dressing will last two to three days in the fridge if made with shallots, and over a week if made with balsamic cipollini. This should be enough to dress four to six salads.
1. Preheat the oven to 390 degrees Fahrenheit. Toast the buckwheat and walnuts for 8 to 10 minutes, until the buckwheat is crispy and the walnuts are golden brown. Be careful, as both burn very quickly!
2. Boil the lentils, uncovered, in a cup of water, along with the garlic and bay leaf until tender, but not mushy. This time can vary between 20 and 30 minutes, depending on the quality of your lentils. Once done, discard the garlic and bay leaf and drain well.
3. Wash and dry your greens well. Toss them with the dressing, crumble the walnuts on top, and toss with the lentils and the crispy buckwheat. Pour in the tomato sauce (and olives, if desired).
4. If you're not keeping the salad vegan, add some fresh burrata, Parmigiano shavings, or prosciutto crudo. In the fall, sautéed mushrooms or porcini make for a great addition.
BY RACHEL KEMP
These burgers are so tasty! A great sauce really amps up a burger. If you make these in the summer and happen to grow chives in your garden, as we do, chives work really well in place of the green onions.
GLUTEN-FREE:
Use gluten-free rolls.
VEGETARIAN:
Use your favorite veggie or black-bean burger; omit bacon.
PALEO:
Make your own paleo buns; omit cheddar cheese or use paleo cheese; use paleo-friendly mayonnaise.
INGREDIENTS
4 slices thick-sliced bacon, cooked to crispy
1 1/3 lbs ground beef
Salt and pepper
4 slices sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 tsp ground cumin
4 green onions, thinly sliced
4 crusty hamburger rolls
1 cup spring mix lettuce
PREPARATION
1. For the green-onion mayo, mix the mayonnaise, cumin, green onions, and a sprinkle of salt and pepper in a small bowl. Place in refrigerator until ready to use.
2. Form the beef into 4 equal-sized patties, about ½ inch thick. Season the patties with salt and pepper.
3. Grill or pan fry until patties reach desired doneness.
4. Place one slice of cheese on the top of each patty and allow to melt slightly.
5. Place rolls on grill or in pan to toast, if desired.
6. To assemble burgers, spread both insides of each roll with a generous layer of the green onion mayo. Then place a layer of spring mix on the bottom bun, followed by the burger, and then a slice of bacon (break it in half and place evenly on bun). Place the crown of the bun on top.
Have you ever taken photos of memorable moments and intended to put them in a scrapbook, only to have them remain on your phone or computer for months (or even years)? Same here—it’s a common problem.
It was a problem for Vanessa Quigley, too. As a mom of seven kids, she didn’t have time to make a lot of photo albums. Then her youngest son’s preschool teacher gave each student a photo album with pictures from the year. Every night before bed, Quigley’s son would look at that album.
The album sparked an idea. Quigley couldn’t make albums for all her kids, but she did frequently share pictures of her kids on Instagram for friends and family to see. What if she could just print her Instagram?
Thankfully, she knew just the person to solve her problem: her husband, Nate. He had started businesses before, so he was already an experienced entrepreneur. They were also in a good geographic location—they had recently moved to Utah, in part because their oldest was a freshman at Brigham Young University, and in part because northern Utah is a hub for tech companies and startups. (Where California boasts Silicon Valley, Utah has Silicon Slopes.) One of her husband’s recent pet projects had even been in the photo realm—he was working on a system where families could safeguard, organize, and enjoy their memories. But it hadn’t taken off.
BY KELLIE KOTRABA MOORE
The answer, Vanessa Quigley realized, was something else. Her youngest son didn’t want “complicated enterprise software for families.” He wanted a tangible photo book.
Her husband put all his other work on the shelf and pivoted his team to put together a way to print Vanessa's Instagram. And that idea did take off, in the form of a new company, Chatbooks. In 2014, Chatbooks made its first sales, and the first albums were printed.
Now, ten years later, the company is still making it simple for families to get photos off their phones and into their hands with easy-to-make photo books, both for special occasions, like weddings and birthdays, and for everyday moments.
I spoke with Quigley via Zoom to find out more about her journey to becoming an entrepreneur and lessons she’s learned along the way.
When their youngest child entered kindergarten, Quigley was figuring out what she would do after being a stay-at-home
mom for years. Even after providing the “winning idea” for Chatbooks, she didn’t think she’d work for the company. Maybe she’d get a master’s degree, or become a yoga teacher, or do anything for herself. “I had a list of things I was considering doing, but being an entrepreneur was not one of them,” she told me.
Her husband kept asking her to join the team, and she kept saying no. But one morning, she had a powerful spiritual experience—and she knew she was supposed to join Chatbooks. “The other things I wanted to do, they were good things,” she said. “But what I needed to do was join the team.”
When she called her husband and told him, he cheered. She gave herself her own title: Chatbooker-in-Chief.
“We’re building this company for me, to solve my problem,” she said. “I’m going to be the voice of the people.”
She knew what she was bringing to the table, but she also knew she was surrounded by people who had a lot more expertise than she did—and sometimes, she felt like an impostor. One day, before she was going to speak on a panel, her husband told her something that has stuck with her: “There’s no one right way to be an entrepreneur.”
“I just claimed that,” she said. “And also the fact that you’re never going to know everything.”
In the early days of Chatbooks, she was often confused while sitting in meetings— there was so much new terminology to learn. “I never had the courage to raise my hand and ask a clarifying question,” she said. But one day, she was in a meeting with another woman in attendance. At one point, the other woman raised her hand and said, “I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that. Can you explain that to me?” The moment transformed Quigley's perspective—the woman had asked for clarification, and no one told her she was stupid.
“There’s no such thing as a dumb question,” she said. “There may be people who might be rude, but there’s no such thing as a dumb question.”
While being business partners isn’t for every couple, it has been good for the Quigleys. When Chatbooks started, it added a new dimension to Vanessa and Nate Quigley’s marriage.
“It was so fun for us to have this new thing in common to talk about,” Vanessa Quigley said. “I think it would have been different if we had been new in our marriage, too, but we’d been married for 20 years, and we’ve been through so much, and we were so separated in our spheres of influence in what we were doing, that it was fun to have something in common.”
Her husband had built a few other software companies, but she really didn’t know the details of what Nate did. “It was really fun for me to have this insight into what he’d been doing all those years,” she told me. In the past, she hadn’t really cared—he went to work and went on business trips (which seemed more like vacations, from her perspective), and she just wanted him to come home and help get the kids ready for bed.
“I just wasn’t really interested in what Nate was doing outside his role as father, and I missed out on some incredible opportunities to connect on things that were important for him,” she said.
Having their own company has also given the Quigleys the freedom to care for their kids when they need it.
“My daughter just had her first baby, and I put myself on maternity leave as a grandmother to take off a couple weeks to go help her. And I’m just so grateful for that,” Quigley said. “I’ve also had teenagers who struggled, and I again took leave to focus on that.”
Family is central not only to the Quigleys’ life, but also to Chatbooks—the company’s mission is “strengthening families.” They do that not only through their products, but also their policies.
Quigley said one of the perks of starting their own business was the opportunity to create the culture they wanted. “We’ve found that family isn’t just important to us—it’s important to anybody that is working for us,” Quigley said.
As they were growing the business and hiring more people, Quigley began to realize that not every company has a healthy or friendly work culture that supports families.
“I decided that one of my professional goals was going to be for Chatbooks to become the best place for women to work in the state,” she said. “Utah hasn’t always been the best
place for women to work.”
That goal has more than come to fruition. In 2021, Chatbooks was recognized nationally by Fortune Magazine and Great Place to Work as the number one “Best Workplace for Women” in the small-to-medium business category. Chatbooks was also ranked within the top 25 in 2020, 2022, and 2023. In 2023, the company was recognized as the number one technology company by Top Workplaces.
“Starting to get recognized for that was probably one of my proudest moments,” she said.
In developing their policies, Chatbooks’ company leaders have looked to other companies in Utah they respect, then tried to match what they do.
Chatbooks currently offers three months
of maternity leave for moms. Before that begins, there’s an offboarding process, so women can gradually offload their tasks to other people on their team. When maternity leave ends, there’s an onboarding process, so women don’t return to face an overwhelming workload. Quigley said a lot of moms come back successfully and happily because of that onboarding process. The process gets frequent use—when we spoke, Quigley said about half of the women on their Dev and Ops team were pregnant.
The company also offers unlimited time off. “I don’t want anybody working here to miss their child’s school play, or all of those things that are so important,” Quigley said. “Just be a grown-up . . . communicate with your team. Be responsible for your work. But do what you need to do to take care of your family, show up for your family, and support your family.”
Recently at Verily, one of our team members was talking to a woman who said she didn’t think she could be an entrepreneur and have kids at the same time. She worried about being taken seriously about having put in the work needed for a project to succeed. I asked Quigley how she would respond to that.
“That piece about not being taken seriously, anybody who has kids knows it’s hard. It’s hard to be a parent. It can consume you. And if someone has the ability even to think about something outside of raising kids, much less has the energy and the bandwidth to start with, take that person seriously—they are a force to be reckoned with,” she said.
“Plus, I think raising kids and managing a home is such great preparation for entrepreneurship, because it’s essentially creative problem solving and one giant ongoing HR issue, you know?” she said.
She also added that it would have been harder for her, personally, to start when her kids were younger—one of the things that made Chatbooks more doable was the fact that her kids were all school-aged or older. The beauty of entrepreneurship, though, is that “you can decide at what speed you want to go.”
Quigley shared her excitement over Chatbooks’ latest endeavor: a family-photo sharing app called HeyFam.
“We’re less inclined to share really personal things on social media,” Quigley said. “Instagram is a completely different thing than it was ten years ago. But people still want to capture their family story.” Quigley also shared that as her kids have gotten older and gotten their own phones, they have often had photos she wants, but “so much gets lost in group text.”
“HeyFam is like a special place on your phone for your family, and all the photos shared there automatically can go to your Chatbooks,” Quigley said. Importantly, she noted, the app helps people create an intentional practice around curating, sharing, and captioning photos.
One benefit of this is, of course, the enjoyment of the actual photos. “But there’s also something from the actual practice [of looking at photo books] that brings us joy and gratitude,” Quigley said. “There’s something in the doing of that that makes me feel like a better mom.”
I could tell she was speaking from the heart. “It makes me feel peace and calm and gratitude for these amazing magical moments that are flying by, the ones you might not even notice without a practice in place.”
inspiration that won’t lead to an impulsive “Add to Cart.”
BY KATIE ROIGER
As a freelancer, I spend a lot of time at home. While I do have a home office—complete with a desk, a bookshelf, and a plant that I’d hoped would encourage creativity—my office is also the kitchen table, the bedroom, and the couch as my toddler plays next to me.
Because of the numerous hours I spend at home, the ability to arrange my surroundings in artistic and personal ways appeals to my creativity and helps me feel more productive. The downside to having so much time at home is that the urges to redecorate, rearrange, and redesign strike frequently.
The craving for variety leads me to pore over interior-decorating magazines and books in search of inspiration. Unfortunately, this habit can create a mindset of “more is better”: designers often encourage their readers to freshen up their homes with the latest decor trends. Even a simple Instagram search for “cozy room layouts” can result in a dozen ads for pillar candles. You can’t have hygge without flickering wicks, so why not add five tapers to your cart?
While I enjoy making purchases as much as the next person, it’s important to me (and my budget) to make use of what I already have when I decorate and design. Here are a few of my favorite style books that encourage both creativity and conscientious thrift.
MY HYGGE HOME BY MEIK WIKING
Hygge is still having its moment, for good reason. The idea of promoting wellbeing and a high quality of life through un-fussy coziness is attractive to virtually everyone. Rather than update his reader about whether greige or cobalt is the new “in” color, Wiking offers helpful perspectives about utilizing natural lighting, incorporating favorite textures, and staggering your furniture in socially minded groupings to create an inviting space. It’s amazing how reorienting your living room furniture to make a cozy nook for chatting can make your home look entirely different.
YOUR SPACE, MADE SIMPLE: INTERIOR DESIGN THAT’S APPROACHABLE, AFFORDABLE, AND SUSTAINABLE BY
ARIEL MAGIDSON
Remember those middle-school days when you would push your bed from one wall to the other and feel as though you had a whole new room? This book provides a grown-up version of the satisfaction that comes from knowing your space is fresh yet functional. Its unique charm lies in its multiple illustrated design layouts for every room in your house, each one modified for large, medium, and small spaces. It’s easy to picture your belongings in each hypothetical scenario and envision what setup will work best for you. As the title implies, Magidson is a staunch advocate for only buying sustainable products that will last a long time. She even offers a resource guide for sustainable companies at the end of her book.
NESTING PLACE BY
MYQUILLYN SMITH
The recovering perfectionist in me appreciates hearing messages like, “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful,” but I’m more likely to believe those messages when they come from a design veteran like Smith. An old hand at making the best of imperfect spaces, Smith shows the reader how to troubleshoot common decorating concerns and suggests fixes that are both creative and budgetfriendly. From methods for identifying what isn’t working in your current space to easy home refreshers, you’ll be encouraged to embrace your particular aesthetic without depleting your bank account.
One of my favorite takeaways was Smith’s zestful insistence on “using the good stuff”: Your special diffusers and lush guest towels aren’t doing you any favors sitting in a closet, so why not enjoy them now? As someone who once bought a fancy scented candle to avoid using the other fancy scented candle I was saving for a special occasion (I know), this advice hit me where I live.
THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS BY KENNETH GRAHAME; ILLUSTRATED BY ERNEST H. SHEPHERD
You may be wondering what this beloved children’s classic is doing on a list of design books, but trust me—it is an excellent source of design inspiration. Fans of Mole
and Ratty will remember that each of the main characters’ homes evoke their personalities. Rat’s river abode is full of nautical knick-knacks, and his boating possessions are conveniently displayed to make a quick river outing possible at almost any time. Mole’s cozy underground dwelling exhibits his art collection and love of hospitality: When he receives an unexpected call from carolers at Christmastime, his spacious living room with its deep fireplace provides the perfect spot for an impromptu holiday party.
Reading this book makes me consider my favorite possessions in a new light and encourages me to display them in ways that will ensure they are appreciated and used frequently. For instance, displaying my collection of whimsical coffee mugs on my counter, rather than stashing them in the cupboard, means I reach for them more frequently—and it always makes me smile.
Because the best move of them all is embracing your natural shape
BY LINDSAY SCHLEGEL
Some people seem to have bodies meant for certain types of physical activity—powerful shoulders for swimming, a petite build for gymnastics, height or long limbs for ballet or basketball.
If you think your body was created for desk-sitting or couch-lounging, though, think again. It's time to consider your natural shape, and we don't mean changing it. We mean embracing what you've got and strengthening what you don't have (yet).
While there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” style of exercise for different body types, every workout style yields different results. Here’s what fitness professionals had to say about which exercises are best suited to your build.
RECTANGLE:
Those whose bust, waist, and hips are about the same width should try Pilates. It's “known for the way it builds deep core strength and stability,” says Robin Long, Pilates instructor, and creator of The Balanced Life. With Pilates, “one can expect to build strength, improve muscle tone, restore posture, correct alignment, increase flexibility, reduce stress and ease chronic aches and pains,” she says. It's not uncommon for people to find some of the exercises and positions in mat Pilates challenging. So Long advises finding a teacher and class that offer the modifications you need.
ALSO TRY: HIIT or Dynamic Stretching
If your hips and thighs are the widest part of your body, you likely have more natural flexibility than the average person, says Grant Clark, a personal trainer. Hip mobility is integral in kickboxing, and body shapes with a wider hip base “have an easier time entering a deep squat than someone with narrow, shallow hip joints,” he notes. Squats and kicks will tone your legs, while quick upper-body work will build muscle in your arms. Bonus points if you’re petite: High kicks and single-leg extensions may come more easily to you because of your more stable base.
ALSO TRY: Rock Climbing/Bouldering or Aerial Silks
HOURGLASS:
If your hips and bust-line are proportionate to each other, try hitting the road. Holistic Health Coach and RRCA running coach Laura Peifer says running is well-suited for an hourglass shape, “as it will help to slightly slim down the hips [and] butt and tone the legs,” which helps distribute balanced strength throughout the body. According to Peifer, “Hill training can help tone the glutes. And by adding intensity, like sprints, the abs and core will get some training as well.” However, “if the goal is overall toning, the better option is to use running for basic cardio training and incorporate strength workouts and/or high-intensity interval training for fat burning.”
ALSO TRY: Crossfit or Swimming
A heart-shaped build has a bust and shoulders that are wider than the hips, making it ideal for workouts that involve holding up your own body weight like yoga. Clark, who's also a certified yoga instructor, says, “Bodyweight exercises like planking and the downward dog can help create significant strength in the abs, chest, and upper back.” The flow of moving up and down to the floor “helps lengthen the body overall.” When practiced consistently, Clark says yoga can “improve your balance, body awareness, and flexibility, as well as strengthen your arms, legs, and core,” creating a powerful, lean physique.
ALSO TRY: Barre
A good workout shows us what our bodies are capable of, even on the days when our motivation can't seem to click. Some of these moves may come more easily than others at the start. But Clark points out, “if you keep moving, regardless of body type, the exercises will become easier and more natural over time...any amount of movement will benefit the body, so don’t be afraid to start even after a hiatus.”
Robin Long agrees. With any form of exercise and any body shape, “The more you do it, the quicker you'll see results.” What’s most important is that you enjoy your workout routine and make time for it consistently.
is an associate
Restorative reproductive medicine offers new hope for a host of symptoms.
“I’d really like to get off of birth control. I’ve been on these hormones so long, I don’t even really know who I am without them. But until we’re married, I just don’t want to risk it.” So said a young woman my husband and I were recently counseling (along with her fiance) on fertility awareness, as part of our volunteer work with the Couple to Couple League. What, exactly, are these “hormones” with which everyone is suddenly so concerned? The term is currently so ubiquitous that it’s become something of a buzzword, especially in relation to women’s health. In fact, it’s now common practice among the health-conscious set to avoid milk and other animal products that have been treated with hormones and to actively seek out beauty products and household
BY GRACE EMILY STARK
cleaners that won’t disrupt our endocrine systems (aka, our hormones).
Of course, as women, we’ve also long been assured of the safety of hormonal birth control, which, we’ve been told, is simply made up of the same hormones produced by our bodies. But increasingly, women are asking if that’s really true. If it’s not, how do the hormones in birth control differ from the hormones naturally occurring in a woman’s body? And why does it matter?
To answer that question, we need to break down the concept of hormones—and especially the female reproductive hormones responsible for the menstrual cycle and fertility. Once we women understand the hormones that matter most for our feminine
health and well-being, we will be able to get the help we need if we suspect those hormones are unbalanced.
ESTROGEN , PROGESTERONE, AND TESTOSTERONE
Hormones are “chemical messengers that travel through the bloodstream to send messages to tissues or organs.” Both men’s and women’s bodies make many of the same hormones, which are necessary for various aspects of bodily function. Even the sex hormones of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone are produced by both men and women, but the amounts of these hormones and the effects they have on the body vary distinctly between men and women.
That said, the hormones that most set women apart from men are estrogen and progesterone. Produced within the ovaries, these female sex hormones are necessary for reproduction and female secondary sex characteristics (like an hourglass shape and a relative lack of facial hair). The hormones' cyclical rise and fall are responsible for the monthly menstrual cycle, without which a woman would not ovulate, have a period, or be able to conceive a baby.
Testosterone is known as the “male sex hormone,” because it is produced in large amounts by the testes. Like progesterone and estrogen in women, testosterone is responsible for male reproductive capacity and secondary sex characteristics (like facial hair and broad shoulders). However, just as progesterone and estrogen are produced in small amounts (and play an important role) in men’s bodies, testosterone also has an important role to play in female reproductive health (despite being present in much smaller amounts in women than in men).
Estrogen and progesterone are the hormones most responsible for a woman’s menstrual cycle, and therefore, her fertility. During the first half of a woman’s cycle, estrogen levels peak as the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) is thickening in preparation for the possible implantation of a fertilized egg (embryo). During the last half of the cycle, progesterone levels peak to maintain the endometrium in case of implantation. The turning point is ovulation, when an egg is released from one of the ovaries, a phenomenon which occurs roughly in the middle of the cycle.
As Cassondra Moriarty described for Natural Womanhood, one can think of estrogen as “the grower” and progesterone as “the glue.” That is, “estrogen grows endometrial tissue, while progesterone holds it all together.” If an embryo does not implant, the endometrium is sloughed off as both progesterone and estrogen levels take a nosedive at the end of the cycle. The result? Your period. Simply put, without the dual roles of estrogen and progesterone, a woman’s womb is not a hospitable place for the implantation of a fertilized egg, and pregnancy is impossible.
But that’s not the whole story. We can’t forget the other important ovarian hormone with a lesser (albeit still important) impact on feminine reproductive health: testosterone. Like estrogen and progesterone, testosterone is also produced by the ovaries. Among other things, testosterone in women is responsible for a woman’s libido or sex drive, which tends to peak around the time of ovulation.
Other important hormones, produced outside the ovaries—namely, in the brain—
come into play throughout the cycle. These hormones include gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH), follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), and luteinizing hormone (LH), whose interplay is responsible for the maturation and release of an egg from one of the ovaries. Prolactin is another hormone produced by the brain with an impact on the ovulatory portion of the menstrual cycle. In breastfeeding women, high levels of prolactin often inhibit the release of an egg from the ovaries.
The cooperation of these various hormones exists in a delicate balance. When the appropriate levels of these hormones are affected—either by outside stress on the body or by an underlying pathology—the result can be an irregular, painful, or otherwise “wonky” menstrual cycle, among other symptoms.
One key way women frequently identify hormonal imbalances and issues with their menstrual cycle is when they’re trying to get pregnant . . . and can’t. But the good news is that you don’t need to be trying to get pregnant to discover issues with your menstrual cycle or to get the help you need for those issues. The growing field of restorative reproductive medicine (RRM) exists to help women identify cycle issues (ideally long before they’re trying to get pregnant), treating their menstrual cycles as the “Fifth Vital Sign” they truly are. What sets RRM providers apart is their dedication to discovering the underlying issue manifesting in cycle irregularity. Not only are they trained to read a woman’s detailed menstrual-cycle charts; along with other signs, symptoms, and diagnostic tests, RRM providers can help identify issues like endometriosis, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), luteal phase defect, and more, which are often the root causes behind, or are associated with, the telltale symptoms of a hormonal imbalance.
There are a number of common signs of an underlying hormonal imbalance, for which women are routinely placed on hormonal birth control. Among these are a cycle (that is, the time between periods) that is consistently shorter than 21 days or longer than 36 days, a cycle length that consistently varies by 5 or more days, mid-cycle spotting or bleeding, and very heavy and/or prolonged bleeding during your period.
When navigating these signs or symptoms, an RRM provider will likely2A run tests to check the levels of various hormones, especially estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Too little or too much of any of these hormones—or the improper balance of them in relation to one another—can cause a lot of problems. An especially thorough provider will also test other hormones, including thyroid hormones, which can have an impact on a woman’s reproductive health and fertility. In order to take full advantage of
all that an RRM provider can provide, women need to become familiar with observing and tracking their menstrual cycles by learning a Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), which teaches women these necessary healthtracking and maintenance skills.
So back to the question of birth control. It is true that the hormones found within hormonal birth control (including the Pill, the patch, the vaginal ring, the arm implant, and the hormonal IUD) are similar to the hormones naturally produced by the female body. They are, in fact, synthetic versions of estrogen and progesterone, the most commonly used of which are synthetic estradiol and progestin. Some versions of hormonal birth control are progestin-only, but most are some combination of estradiol and progestin.
The function of the synthetic hormones found in birth control is to suppress the body’s natural, cyclical production of estrogen and progesterone with a low, constant dose of synthetic hormones, thereby preventing ovulation and overriding the menstrual cycle.
So it’s not accurate to say that birth control “regulates” your period (as women are often told); rather, it suppresses the cycle from happening at all. Doctors frequently prescribe hormonal birth control when a woman presents with heavy, irregular, or painful periods (among other things), both because it “levels out” a woman’s hormones and, as the logic goes, “No menstrual cycle equals no menstrual cycle disorder.”
While hormonal birth control can be effective at controlling some of the symptoms experienced by a woman with a hormonal imbalance, it does nothing to correct the underlying imbalance—which will still be there when the woman goes off of birth control. As thyroid health advocate Laurie Christie King put it in an interview with Natural Womanhood, one can think of hormonal birth control as a “doctor-prescribed hormonal imbalance.” Furthermore, as Dr. Sarah E. Hill details in her book This is Your Brain on Birth Control by, the suppression of naturally produced (endogenous) hormones has implications for other aspects of women’s health, including mental health and well-being.
As it happens, a woman’s body needs her hormones, and it needs them in the right balance to function as it ought. Young women especially need to ovulate regularly, and they need to have healthy periods. Whether you’re looking to get pregnant, not to get pregnant, or are just wanting to know more about your reproductive health in order to take better care of yourself, your hormonal health is truly essential.
“Many people feel that real happiness comes when we have no inhibitions, cares, or concerns, but I believe the opposite is true: Good boundaries are what enable us to have great joy. I sought to reflect this in our photoshoot by choosing a 1960s style that reflects the essence of boundary: rigidity, column silhouettes, puttogether styles, but with poses and photography that evoke a sense of freedom and adventure: full-bodied laughter, play, relational intimacy (Carrie and I are sisters!), and constant movement, including quite literally sailing in a creek in the South Carolina Lowcountry!”
“From an artistic standpoint, the South Carolina Lowcountry endlessly inspires a sense of dream: From the ethereal wisp of Spanish moss hanging low from oak boughs to the golden and chartreuse spartina in the marsh, the landscape feels surreal to the eye yet delightfully tangible to one’s senses. It’s the perfect setting for this summer’s ‘dreams’ editorial theme.”
“Our best journeys happen when we honor wise boundaries. A sailboat can’t move forward without the boundary of proper rigging and sail shape for the wind to fill; a ballerina can’t dance en pointe without the boundary of the box toes in her slippers; a guitar can’t make music without the boundary of properly tuned strings.”
BY BUCHI AKPATI
PHOTOGRAPHED BY
BERNADETTE ROHAN
This summer, let’s venture to the vibrant heart of West Africa, a land rich in culture, history, and a unique fashion aesthetic. Here, clothing isn't just about covering the body; it's a visual story intricately woven with traditions.
EFFORTLESS ELEGANCE:
This flowing peach dress, with its gentle drape and soft color, embodies the spirit of a sunrise over the Sahara Desert. Made from lightweight silk—a staple fabric throughout West Africa—it’s as breathable as it is beautiful. The loose silhouette allows for complete freedom of movement, perfect for navigating bustling city streets or exploring ancient ruins.
This style draws inspiration from the tie-dyed bubu dress, a traditional garment frequently worn in Nigeria. The bubu is a loose-fitting, often anklelength dress made from colorful, hand-woven fabric. A peach bubu dress takes a modern twist on this classic design, opting for a softer hue. Bubu hints at its being a "big wrapper," reflecting the generous use of fabric that provides both comfort and a sense of occasion.
The bubu dress allows the wearer to move with grace and confidence, ready to welcome whatever adventure awaits. The headwrap, the dress's companion, adds a touch of cultural flair and functionality, keeping hair cool and protected from the elements.
A good pump completes this West Africa-inspired outfit, although I’d recommend a pair of slippers for the end of the day!
“Upon first glance at the pictured photographs of myself shot by Bernadette, I got very teary eyed. For the first time, I felt free. I felt fully beautiful. Being out in the rising sun and embraced by the morning dew felt . . . heavenly. I felt in my element.”
COLOR ME CONFIDENT:
A vibrant green dress, cinched at the waist with a belt of the same fabric and color, embodies the spirit of deeper exploration. This piece draws inspiration from the dashiki, a unisex style of clothing worn throughout West Africa. Traditionally made with bold geometric patterns and rich colors, the dashiki symbolizes strength, unity, and cultural pride.
The dress flares at the waist in a form both functional and fashionable for the modern explorer. The free outer edges give a sense of airiness. This dress is ideal for the contagious energy of bustling marketplaces, where it can become part of the flavor of Sub-Saharan sights and sounds. Simple yet elegant white slippers are the finishing touch, ensuring the explorer moves with ease.
BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL:
As the day winds down, night is just beginning. Enter a dress with as many colors as can fit on a one-piece outfit. I would describe this piece as “all-colors” dress, but anyone can see it’s a showstopper. Capped with ruched sleeves, it’s a festive, fashionable choice for an evening under the starlit African sky.
The ruched waist makes this number look and feel dressier, while its myriad of colors reflects the lush landscapes of Africa as a whole. The headwrap takes inspiration from the gele, a colorful headwrap traditionally worn by Yoruba women in Nigeria. The gele is a symbol of social status, femininity, and wisdom. Traditionally, its vibrant colors and intricate folds add a touch of regality.
Fashion-critical doubts may arise when wearing a dress with this much color, but we ought to wear what makes us come alive. If that means a dress with more colors than your average summer garden, so be it. This dress is a courageous and colorful end to a day well spent sharing stories, making new connections, and celebrating adventure.
Nude wedges complete the look, as they go with everything, whether colorful or neutral.
Verily has always been about telling the stories of real women making incredible things happen in the world and championing women’s unique voices and contributions. We love diving deep into the stories of the women in our communities who inspire us with their courage and vision, whether they have planted a community garden, worked with disadvantaged youth, started an innovative business, or championed a cause that has helped make their community a better place. So we asked our readers online: “Do you know any women in your community who dream big and are working to make positive change happen?” We invited you to nominate a dreamer from your community, and we loved reading your responses! Here are three of the nominations we received. Each of these ladies was nominated by someone close to them. Here's to you, ladies! You inspire us.
Adebisi Amori is a creative writer and nonprofit leader from Ibadan, Nigeria. Adebisi graduated from university last year and her experience made her realize that university didn't really prepare young people, particularly young women for life in the real world. This inspired her to create The Big Life, a mentorship community that offers resources, opportunities, and more to current female undergraduate students in Nigerian universities. They currently have a chapter in the University of Ibadan, her alma mater, and they're expanding to another university before the end of the year. Her work with The Big Life has created impact in the lives of many undergraduates, equipping many to take up leadership roles, win awards, scholarships, and more. One thing I particularly like about Adebisi's work is that she started from the little she had. The Big Life doesn't have a big budget, yet, they have a big impact. I have been able to see what she's done first hand with close to nothing.
— NOMINATED BY ADENIYI AMORI
Maria Pope grew up in Bryan, TX, moved to Washington, DC after college, and currently resides in New York City. I knew Maria through my role as one of her advisors through my role at Texas A&M University in College Station, TX, where I currently reside. Maria is the biggest dreamer I know, as well as one of the best connectors I know. All roads lead back to Maria! Maria is particularly passionate about female founders and creating access to capital in the venture capital startup space with a special heart for social impact investing and redemptive entrepreneurship. Maria has never met a happy hour of strangers she doesn't love, has a newsletter she created where she creates content, and is on the road to being a founder, speaker, and leader in her own life. She dreams big in all the ways!
— NOMINATED BY CLAIRE RAABE
Aly Aleigha from Duluth Minnesota is a singer/songwriter and musician. She describes her music as “transcendent indie-folk for the adventurous soul.” Aly spreads so much joy and hope through her songwriting and music. She lives her life to the fullest and she dreams big! I’ve seen her work ethic when it comes to her career as an independent artist and it is impressive! She puts in hard work and she dreams big from the songwriting process to recording and producing music to music videos and concerts. She plays music at a local summer camp for teens, she plays music for college events, she does outdoor concerts and music festivals, and more! Her music touches profoundly on the human experience and her message is full of hope. She steeps herself in the community in such a beautiful way.
— NOMINATED BY MOLLY MENDOZA
“DREAMING IS FREE.”
– BLONDIE
What dreams have motivated you in your personal and professional pursuits? Are there dreams you feel you have not tapped into yet? What steps could you take to help draw them out? How do your dreams compare with what, on page 33, Jen Fulwiler calls your “blue flame”?
Self-worth doesn’t come from the outside.
BY BUCHI AKPATI
In a world obsessed with filters and airbrushed perfection, it's easy to lose sight of what truly makes us beautiful. We chase fleeting trends, compare ourselves to unattainable ideals, and believe our worth hinges on external validation.
But what if I told you that your real beauty, the kind that shines from within and leaves a lasting mark, has nothing to do with societal standards or the opinions of others?
Each one of us is innately beautiful. Here are six affirmations to remind you of your worth when you feel self-criticism start to creep in.
You can even tear this page out and cut these little reminders apart so you can display them around your home or tuck them into spots where you’re likely to see them—pop one in your wallet, stick one on your bathroom mirror, or paste them into a journal.
01. YOUR BEAUTY EMERGES FROM YOUR CORE.
True beauty isn't a mask you wear; it's the light that emanates from your spirit, your kindness, your resilience, your laughter. It's the spark in your eyes when you're passionate, the confidence in your stride when you believe in yourself. When you nurture your inner qualities, that light becomes undeniable, drawing people in with its genuine warmth.
02. YOUR BEAUTY DOESN'T NEED VALIDATION
Your worth doesn't flicker with the attention you receive. Just as the sun shines its light even when cloaked in clouds, your inner beauty remains constant, whether you receive external validation or not. Praise is a wonderful thing to receive, but understanding your worth liberates you from the anxieties of needing constant approval. You’re beautiful, even when no one is watching.
03. YOUR BEAUTY HAS ALWAYS BEEN PRESENT.
Your beauty began with the very spark of your life. You were intricately woven, a masterpiece in the making, even before your first breath. This inherent beauty wasn't bestowed upon you as an afterthought; it's the foundation of your being, the blueprint for your unique radiance.
04. YOUR BEAUTY DOESN'T DECREASE—WITH TIME, IT TRANSFORMS.
Aging is often portrayed as a battle against beauty. But that narrative devalues the wisdom and grace gained with time. Beauty doesn't wither; it evolves, like a rose unfolding its petals in the autumn sunlight. Your experiences, your laughter lines, your stories—these are brushstrokes on your canvas, adding depth and character to your unique beauty.
05. BEAUTY ISN’T THE SAME AS VANITY.
Vanity is a fleeting pursuit, a constant chasing of external validation. It is exhausting and ultimately hollow. Recognizing your beauty, on the other hand, is about self-acceptance, self-love, and radiating your inner light for the world to see. It's not about hiding flaws or conforming to trends; it's about celebrating your authenticity and allowing your essence to shine through.
06. YOUR BEAUTY IS MEMORABLE.
Your physical form may change, but the beautiful core of who you are—your kindness, your compassion, your joy—transcends the limitations of time. These characteristics of your beauty will be remembered long after your physical form has passed. The echo of your laughter, the impact of your actions, the love you share with those around you—these are the true testaments to your enduring beauty.
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