Verily Magazine | The Home Issue | Winter 2024 by Verily Magazine

THE HOME ISSUE

PLUS

WHY I WENT MAKEUP FREE FOR MY WEDDING

OXBLOOD LIP, FAUX FUR, & LEATHER, OH MY GO STRIKING OR UNDERSTATED

DETACHING FROM TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS OVERCOMING SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER

HOW MARRIAGE INCREASED MY SENSE OF FREEDOM

STYLE SHOOT: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL ‘AT HOME’? WARM COZY READS + OUR POETRY CONTEST WINNERS!

CONTENTS

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

VERILY MAGAZINE Verily has returned to its roots—as a print publication! Many of our readers told us they prefer the more intimate magazine format, and we aim to please. Verily quarterly is here. WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

LESS OF WHO YOU SHOULD BE Features relevant to your life. Verily’s No-Photoshop style shoots. Meaningful advice on relationships, careers, education, and family. Home design and beauty tips. Healthy recipes; delicious libations. Curated news and incisive cultural coverage. And much more. You’ll love our exclusive content tailored for the thoughtful woman. Every uplifting issue of Verily Magazine will empower you to be

MORE OF WHO YOU ARE. Reserve your subscription today. Save $20 on four issues by becoming an annual subscriber and get free shipping within the USA. Sign up for our free newsletter to keep you posted on exciting news and our timely web articles between print issues. Don’t wait. Go to verilymag.com to place your subscription order and join our print community. You won’t want to miss our next issue!

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EDITOR’S NOTE

EDITOR’S NOTE “The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” — MAYA A N G E LO U

Welcome to the Home Issue! In another magazine, you might expect to find more home-decor ads than articles. But, this is Verily, and you may have noticed we do things a bit differently. Not only are we the first magazine with a policy to not Photoshop or objectify women in our photoshoots, we refuse to participate in the trend of feeding on women’s insecurities to encourage them to buy more or change themselves. We are not looking to profit at the expense of our readers’ wellbeing; we exist to help women live authentically, as we are. It’s on that note that we start this issue, with a piece by a writer who, after noticing that cosmetic marketing was making her feel less beautiful, became a natural-beauty advocate—she even went makeup-free at her wedding! Helen’s wisdom on self-acceptance is a must-read, just two pages over. Throughout this issue, we present invaluable tips to accompany you on your journey—be it through a cozy book, delicious recipe, or mental-health insights for these darker months. We explore how our sense of being at home shapes our relationships, our body image, and the people and things we surround ourselves with. And we share stories of women who paved their own paths to find a place of belonging, such as Sarah Mackenzie, who created her own publishing company when no other place would accept her work, or Amy Owens who built her family home in a boat. We cannot ignore the fallout one can experience from losing of a sense of home—whether due to changes in relationships, illness (see Lucy Pinnington’s powerful story on page 22), or obstacles in our communities (see Tiffany Reed’s insightful piece on urban design on page 28). We also consider ways to help people experiencing homelessness in our communities. What makes you feel at home? For our feature shoot, we asked seven women to put this in their own words. Katharina embodies this in our cover photo— revealing the quiet joy that comes with being at home, and a reminder to all of us to keep striving toward it.

Home is putting your feet up. Over the holidays, my niece Mila joined us for two photo shoots in this issue. Want to model in a future issue? Email us at ohhello@verilymag.com

Verily yours,

M A RY R OSE SO MARRI BA E DI TO R IN C H IE F

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MASTHEAD

LESS OF WHO YOU SHOULD BE, MORE OF WHO YOU ARE.

WINTER 2024 EDITOR IN CHIEF

Mary Rose Somarriba ART DIRECTOR

CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Haruka Sakaguchi

Sophie Caldecott

PROJECT MANAGER

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Tiffany Reed

Carolyn Ferguson

ASSOCIATE EDITORS

WEB MANAGING EDITOR

Margaret Brady

Kellie Kotraba Moore

Elizabeth Flood Lindsay Schlegel

EDITORIAL ASSISTANT

Hannah Ward

COFOUNDERS

Kara Bach Janet Sahm Easter CONTACT

ohhello@verilymag.com

Cover photographed by “tobetold” by Lena Kinast

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TABLE OF CONTENTS STYLE & BEAUTY

How Embracing Natural Beauty Helped Me Come Home to Myself | H E L E N GRAC E 4 Soothing Organic Products for Dry, Sensitive Skin | L I L L I AN FAL LON 6 Runway to Realway: Big Fur, Mary Janes, and Neckties 7 How to Rock Bold, Oxblood Lips With Any Skin Tone | JE N NAVARO 10 Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve 51 | Faux Real: Leather Alternatives for the Win | 48 Feature: Women At Home 52 KATHARI NA GEI SS L E R- E VANS | B U C H I AK PAT I | V E RONI C A MARRI NAN REBEKAH MARKEWI C H | H U MA QU RE S H I | ST E V I E STORC K | L AU RE N WI I G RELATIONSHIPS

The Quick Reframe that is Changing My Dating Life This Winter | C ASSANDRA MU RRAY 12 How to Tell When Friendships Turn Toxic and What to Do About It | MONI C A GAB RI E L MARS H AL L 14 What Newlywed Life on a Narrowboat Taught Me About Freedom | AMY OWE NS 16 What to Say (and Not Say) to Adoptive Families | K E L S E Y T. C H U N, MF T 18 CULTURE

Noteworthy Books, Movies, and Music | E MI LY L E H MAN 20 Finding Solace in Creativity When Your Body Doesn’t Always Feel Like Home | LU CY P I NNI NGTON 22 Helping People Experiencing Homelessness Starts with Empathy | L E E S C H E F F E 24 Drowning in Carpools: An Invisible and Significant Burden on Moms | T I F FANY RE E D 28 Five Cozy Winter Reads | MONI C A B U RK E 26 HEALTH & LIFESTYLE

Things I Wish I’d Known Before Buying Our First Home | AB I GAI L MU RRI S H 30 How to Make Visitors Feel Welcome in Your Home | MARI AH GRU ME T 36 The Joy of Slow Decorating | ST E V I E STORC K 38 These 7 At-Home Workouts Can Replace Your Full-Body Gym Routine | C H RI ST I NE WARNE R 40 An Infertility Treatment That May Work Without Breaking the Bank | GRAC E E MI LY STARK 34 Tips for Overcoming Seasonal Affective Disorder | JU L I A H OGAN, LC P C 46 Interview with an Entrepreneur: Hatching a New Publishing Company | K E L L I E KOT RAB A MOORE 44 Recipes | Pork Tenderloin with Chimichurri, Cilantro-Lime Rice, and Corn Pepper Sauté 43 The Perfect White Chocolate Orange Cookie Recipe 32 | Classic Cocktails for Frosty Days 33 Poetry Contest Winners: AL AY NA NAGU RNY K E L L E R | DOMI NI KA RAMOS | ANNAB E L OS B ORN with comments from our guest judge L AU RA K E L LY FANU CC I 66

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HOW EMBRACING NATURAL BEAUTY HELPED ME COME HOME TO MYSELF

P H OTOGRA P H Y BY V ICTOR CH A N

Physical alterations are not necessary for true beauty and femininity. BY H E L E N GRAC E

I started babysitting when I was 11 years old. By the time I was 14, I noticed something uncanny. Looking at the wedding portraits on the families’ walls, the dads looked like themselves (sometimes with more hair), but the moms were unrecognizable. Unfortunately, these pictures were often the only photos of these women in their own homes. As an adult looking back, I can imagine a few reasons for this. The wedding industry sells the idea that women aren’t photogenic and need beauty services. What’s formal, elegant, or beautiful is often the opposite of each woman’s unaltered default, so these women spent their engagements “working” at unsustainable characteristics for “perfect” photos. It’s possible that these families didn’t prioritize professional photography or getting prints, so they just 4

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hadn’t added recent pictures to their home. But I usually got the impression, after asking how long they’d been married, that these mothers hadn’t seen themselves as worthy of being photographed since their wedding day. “I know it’s hard to imagine, but I was quite pretty back then,” a few told me. I thought they were beautiful still, and the way their wedding photos did not reflect their real appearance was unsettling. Years later, in the summer before college, a friend was helping me paint my kitchen. He overheard Say Yes to the Dress playing in the other room and chuckled, “I would be upset if the woman I proposed to showed up on our wedding day looking like a completely different person.” He hit a nerve. On my wedding day years later, I walked down the aisle looking like

myself. Afterwards, I thanked him. “I would have looked like a different woman on my wedding day if you hadn’t said that.” However, his comment didn’t immediately spur change in me. My pocket of the world was filled with expensive and extensive cosmetic alterations, and sometimes I would wonder, “Could they ever look like themselves again?” After a certain number of facelifts and bonealtering surgeries, did people ever mourn the faces they once had? I also imagined the pearly gates. What faces would we have in heaven, the ones we manufactured—or the ones God gave? Despite these unsettling thoughts, I still behaved the way magazines told me I should. I wore makeup every day and even more for special events. I shaved the hair deemed unsightly and groomed my allowable hair

STYLE & BEAUTY

as stylishly as I could. When a benefactor offered me and my sister laser hair removal because “she wished she had this time-saver when she was younger,” I jumped at the chance. A few sessions in, a new technician was removing pubic hair. She brusquely criticized my prep work, which was in line with the former tech’s guidelines. I was on a cold table, vulnerable, and permanently altering my genitals . . . for what? When I pushed myself, a voice whispered back “This isn’t for spontaneous beach days, it’s in case your potential future husband doesn’t like pubic hair.” The voice grew louder between every pulse of the laser. “And the current trend against pubic hair is due to online content I don’t want in my marriage anyway. What might my future husband be doing right now? There is no chance he’s having a stranger permanently remove hair from his groin in case his future wife won’t like it.” I never finished those treatments. I reeled a bit over the next couple of years. Every time I went to tweeze my eyebrows, whiten my teeth, dye my hair, put on mascara, I kept asking myself, “Why am I fixing something that isn’t broken?” Why did I associate pain with beauty or discomfort with formality and respect? When did I start caring about my weight? Where did I learn to not see the female body as feminine? I challenged myself to become “totally at peace” with my body. Whenever I felt less than, I asked myself questions like “Would a twin brother worry about the same thing?” or “How timeless is this standard for women? Would a healthy man 200 years ago think this was feminine or normal? 100? 50 years ago?” Or “If I had a daughter who looked like me, would I want her to feel bad about this trait?” I was shocked at how deep some of my limiting beliefs were. I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to be constantly at war with my one and only body. When I met my husband, I had quit shaving and hair dye completely. He saw me wear makeup for the last time. He felt so unlikely, but somehow natural. He was a friend of a friend who lived across the country. I had nothing to lose with this romance, so I decided to be unapologetically myself for the first time while dating. I didn’t care if my demeanor wasn’t inviting or chill. I didn’t care if my body hair was countercultural. I didn’t care if my standards felt high or foreign to this man who was accustomed to casual dating. I realized that I didn’t want to attract as many men as possible—I wanted to attract the right man and avoid everyone else. Authenticity is both a deterrent and inducement. I wasn’t going to try attracting a spouse using a personality or appearance I’d have to maintain. I wanted to

live with someone, not as someone. When we were planning our wedding, we got the advice to spend more time planning our marriage than the wedding day, and to have the two align—to begin as we meant to continue. We spent far more time in premarital counseling (a standard practice in our faith) than we spent picking out the hors d’oeuvres. I am grateful that we designed the day to be “the beginning of many.” The emphasis on this being the beginning of that new chapter, and not the end of a fairy tale, shattered the false princess narratives that emphasize the bride and her looks over the couple and their vows. The thing is, I was happy I was not going to be a princess in a castle. I was happy to become a wife in a home, and the embodied home of our growing family. This was how we wanted our marriage to be, so we

incorporated our egalitarian, respectful standards wherever we could on our wedding day. We walked down the aisle together. The dress I designed allowed free movement and dancing and did not visually overpower my husband. I picked flat shoes in which I could celebrate the whole day. I chose a photographer who would capture beautiful, colorful, realistic photos, instead of “light and airy” fairy tale photos. Not only did I want to avoid the fairy tale, I wanted the photos to accurately capture us and our guests. I specifically asked my photographer to not make cosmetic changes to anyone, as many will automatically whiten teeth, “fix” skin, or even distort body or facial shapes. The posed portrait and candid photographs from our engagement shoot led me to realize that people lie about women photographing poorly. Genuine happiness and ease make for better photos than stress and selfconsciousness masked with makeup.

On our wedding day, my husband and I enjoyed the morning getting ready with our friends. I’m glad I didn’t spend the day cooped up, only for him to see my “transformation.” Those pictures of our whole wedding party having brunch are joyful and show how the day began beautifully. Every vendor who was there declared it the “most chill” wedding morning they had ever seen, and I’m proud of having a celebration instead of a production. I’m thankful we spent most of the day together because we had really similar experiences of our wedding day. There was no major inequity where the men got changed and then drank all morning while the women spent thousands of dollars on hair and makeup. We ate, listened to music, and relished the moments together with close friends and family. I didn’t spend my wedding day touching up makeup, or needing to be concerned about hugs ruining my hair or foundation. I laughed, ate, kissed, and cried freely. I moved and danced without inhibition. The day wasn’t special because of how I looked, but because we took a leap of faith. At weddings we celebrate the bravery, optimism, and selflessness of couples promising to keep lifelong vows. We should care about the stability and goodness of their new family, not their looks. When it’s nearly universal for women to look like strangers in their wedding photos and then disappear from their family’s photos, and in a way, their own homes, it isn’t a private matter, but a cultural one. Women, especially wives and mothers, should feel at home in their own bodies, and their appearance deserves to be captured and celebrated in their own homes. A culture that rejects women in their natural state and pushes them out of the frame is one that needs to change. That change happens through the collective actions of women taking up space in their natural state—especially on special occasions. At the reception, my oldest friend’s mom, in a full face of makeup, pulled me aside and told me, “My daughter said you no longer wear makeup! I am so happy for you. You are choosing an honest path for yourself, and on your wedding day! You’re saying ‘This is who I am.’” She’s right—I was accepted as I am. My future children will recognize me, and themselves, in our wedding photos, which will be displayed alongside plenty of candid, barefaced photos of us in our home. Helen Grace is a champion of natural beauty and a cosmetics-industry critic. You can find more of her work on Instagram @notyourmanicpixiedreamcurl.

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STYLE & BEAUTY

02. MATCHA MASK

HEAL YOUR DRY, SENSITIVE SKIN WITH THESE SOOTHING ORGANIC PRODUCTS When drugstore facial lotions burn, go natural. BY LIL LIA N FA LLO N

Surprise blizzards, chapping winds, icy rain—these wintry forces are enough to make us want to dive into a jar of Vaseline. Dry skin is uncomfortable and painful, and it can visibly affect our lives with peeling, redness, and cracking. If you’re nodding in agreement, then you also know that dry skin means sensitive skin, making treating your dry skin even harder. When drugstore lotions that are labeled “sensitive” or “gentle” still make your skin burn, it’s time to start seeking more natural options. We’ve rounded up some of the best organic serums, oils, butters, and masks that will truly heal and soothe your sensitive dry skin to give you lasting relief.

BY PLANT So your face feels like it’s literally burning and you just want to put out the flames. To soothe the sizzle, skip the face masks full of chemicals and stick to calming clay masks. Plant’s Matcha Organic Antioxidant Face Mask contains matcha (powdered green) tea, which reduces inflammation and fights free radicals. The mask also contains chamomile, which is know for it’s soothing, anti-irritant properties. Apply this mask on after a long day in the elements and you’ll be saying “ahhh” in no time.

03. REVITALIZER SQUALANE DROPS BY BIOSSANCE If you want an oil so lightweight that it feels like water, consider squalane drops. Biossance’s Revitalizer is gentle and 100 percent derived from plants. So what is squalane oil? It’s a natural molecular compound found in humans, animals, and plants. Over time, the natural squalane oil in human skin diminishes, resulting in drier skin. Plant-based squalane oil mirrors the human squalane compound and can restore the proper balance of natural oils in your skin. It also serves as a humectant and increases water retention in the skin for long-lasting moisture. Squalane’s most noteworthy characteristic is how rapidly and deeply it penetrates the skin without leaving a greasy residue.

04. BLOOM REGENERATIVE FACIAL OIL BY CRUDE Bloom facial oil is another non-pore-clogging oil that is ideal for those who struggle with both acne and dry skin. Unlike water-based creams that rest on the top layer of skin, Bloom Regenerative Facial Oil penetrates further to solve dryness at the core while also combating acne and inflammation. It can even soften stretch marks and scars while leaving skin notably brighter with an even skin tone. When using, give yourself a mini facial by massaging the oil into your skin for two to three minutes to increase absorption and blood flow to your face while also rubbing away dull, dead skin cells.

05. FACE & BODY CREAM BY MEOW MEOW TWEET 01. BLACK CURRANT FACIAL OIL BY CECILIA WONG Believe it or not, it’s totally possible to have both oily and dry skin. If your summer and fall skincare regimen consisted of excess-oil prevention, that same routine is probably drying out your skin right now during the height of winter. And since you dread clogged pores like no other, the idea of adding more oil to your face is probably ridiculous. Fighting oil with oil, however, is the way to balance your skin’s natural oil production and add necessary moisture. Cecilia Wong’s bestselling Black Currant Facial Oil is full of non-comedogenic oils that do not clog pores but rather deeply moisturize, tame excess oil production, and even skin tone.

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When your regular body lotion still leaves your legs and arms flaky and itchy, consider a buttery cream like Meow Meow Tweet’s Face & Body Cream. The versatile product can be used on both your body and face (and even works as an effective makeup remover!). Like butter, the product is solid in the jar but immediately melts when in contact with warm skin. The texture dissolves into skin, leaving it glowing and silkysmooth.

STYLE & BEAUTY

RUNWAY TO

REALWAY STYLE D A N D MODELED BY M IL A TO R R E S, CAROLI NA NORRI S, AND ELI Z ABET H F LOOD P HOTO G R A P HED BY SARAH BEI RNE

MSMG

These three striking accessories from Winter runways can be both versatile and affordable.

RUNWAY

REALWAY FAUX FUR MODE L E D BY MI L A TORRE S

Get ready for an evening out! We paired this oversized faux fur coat with a classic red silk dress and neutral shoes, but it could just as well be dressed down with a pair of jeans and ankle boots. Affordable opulence met conscientious chic. JACKET: KOHL’S. DR ESS: WHI TE HOUSE BLACK M A RKE T. S H OE S : NOR DSTR OM R ACK

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STYLE & BEAUTY

LADY NECK TIE MODE L E D BY C AROL I NA NORRI S

This season, neckties made a stylish comeback on runways, and Carolina effortlessly rocked the trend. Pairing a floral men’s necktie with this sleeveless blouse, the outfit could also be completed with a blazer for greater formality or dressed down with jeans. Here, Carolina’s outfit employs the timeless accessory for an elegant yet contemporary business-casual look.

A L EXA N DE R M CQU EE N

RUNWAY

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REALWAY

BLOUSE AND PANT: WHI TE HOUSE BLACK MAR KET. NECKTI E: EXP R ESS MEN’S.

RUNWAY

REALWAY MARY JANES MODE L E D BY E L I Z AB E T H F LOOD

Mary Jane shoes staged a triumphant return on 2023 runways. Here, Elizabeth takes the classic school-shoe-fallback up a notch with patent leather heels that could be dressed up or down. Elizabeth effortlessly channels the trend, merging retro charm with modern comfort in a fashion-forward statement.

PRADA

SHOES: DSW. SWEATER AND CHOKER : EXP R ESS. J EANS: MOD E L’S OWN .

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HOW TO ROCK BOLD, OXBLOOD LIPS WITH ANY SKIN TONE No matter your skin tone, you can rock this statement look. BY JEN NAVARO

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Wondering if you can pull off the oh-so-fabulous oxblood lip? Well, great news: No matter your skin tone, you can rock this statement look. The key to successfully pulling it off is balancing your lips with the rest of your face and finding the right shade for you. For extra staying power, and to keep your oxblood color from bleeding, you’ll need a lip liner the same shade as your lipstick of choice, as well as a creamy concealer and some setting powder.

STYLE & BEAUTY

GET THE LOOK:

01. FIRST, LIGHTLY PAT A SMALL AMOUNT OF CONCEALER ON YOUR LIPS

to neutralize your natural lip color and to create a good foundation for the oxblood hue. Then, line your lips using the liner right along the edge of your lip line and fill in your lips with the pencil. The liner will create an extra base for the lipstick to stick to and act as its backup.

03. USE YOUR CONCEALER

I love Chanel Coco Rouge in Ballet Russe, MAC Cosmetics Lipstick in Hang-up, Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick in Black Cherry, and NYX Lipstick in Alabama. You can use your finger to dab the product on for a sheer application (in this case, no lip liner), a lip brush for a more precise and opaque application, or apply straight from the tube for full-on drama and bold color.

at an angle, or a flat brush, to go around the edges of your lips and clean up any feathering lipstick or blurry lines. Use an angle brush or a flattop brush and apply translucent powder to set the concealer around the lips and to create a barrier so that your lipstick won’t travel.

04. TO ENSURE THAT YOUR LIPSTICK DOESN’T OVERPOWER YOUR FACE,

05. YOU’RE ALL SET TO ROCK THAT LIP!

PH OTOG RA P H Y BY WIL L H UGH ES

02. APPLY THE LIPSTICK.

balance your face with definition around the eye and a bit of cheek color. A great smoky eye liner with lots of mascara or a naturally contoured eye works beautifully for this look.

Keep the lipstick and a small mirror with you for touch-ups, and get ready for the compliments to roll in all night long.

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P H OTOGRA P H Y BY LUCAS OTTON E

THE QUICK REFRAME THAT IS CHANGING MY DATING LIFE THIS WINTER Having a “five-minute funeral” when things don’t work out is so much better than stuffing your emotions or wallowing. BY C ASSANDRA MU RRAY

Like all the single ladies (and a lot of the married ladies!), I like to watch trash TV as a guilty pleasure when I’m getting some mindless work done on a weekday evening. Lately I’ve been binging Buying Beverly Hills, a shameless

V ER ILY MAGAZI NE • WINT E R 2024

knockoff of Netflix’s Selling Sunset with even more stagey dialogue and manufactured drama. It’s the last place I’d go to for dating advice, but one of the men on the show—a young realtor—gave a more junior real estate

agent some advice that struck me: to have a quick “five-second funeral” if a deal goes wrong, then move on. Apparently Joey Ben-Zvi didn’t come up with the concept; it seems to be passed around real

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

estate circles. The idea is that if something goes wrong during your day—whether it’s a 20-million-dollar real estate deal going sour, or getting stuck in traffic and being late to an important meeting—you give yourself five seconds to feel your feelings and then just carry on. I don’t sell a lot of houses, but this immediately reminded me of a new approach to my love life I started this fall. I’ll admit it: I’m a serial crusher. My best friends could spin a truly harrowing tale of the many guys I’ve fallen for over the years (this peaked my senior year in college, when I’m pretty sure I had a new crush every month). Frequently, those crushes ended in nothing, usually with the realization sinking in that he just wasn’t into me, or that he was dating someone else, or that he was moving away. I used to agonize over these moments, letting myself get far too emotionally involved and then being devastated when it didn’t pan out. I’ve learned some lessons since my college senior year about not falling too hard too fast, but I’m still dating, and I still love—or at least like—easily. I’ve learned not to let myself get obsessed, but rejection still stings when it comes up. Enter the five-minute funeral (since I’m not operating on a real estate agent’s tight schedule, I decided that five seconds was too short!) EMPLOYING THE “FIVE-MINUTE FUNERAL” FOR DATING SETBACKS

I have two great songs to recommend if you want a soundtrack for your fiveminute funeral. The first is a song I recently discovered called “Note to Self” by Jim-E Stack and Empress Of. This line phrases it best: “Just let it knock you down / Don’t fight it, let it bring you back around.” For a long-term crush, my favorite fiveminute funeral soundtrack is Taylor Swift’s “The Moment I Knew” (almost exactly five minutes!). It’s about realizing someone doesn’t really care about you and you deserve better. It’s a tiny bit melodramatic, since it’s about her boyfriend not coming to her birthday party; but it’s perfect for leaning into the drama of a moment that might not look like a big deal from the outside, but was

actually apologize for asking in front of your whole extended family whether there’s anyone special in your life. But something I’ve learned from therapy is that it isn’t fair to say that someone else made you feel something. It’s much healthier to say to yourself, “He said x, and I felt y.” This isn’t to say that you can’t involve others in your five-minute funeral—might I recommend the option of a tearful voice memo to your best friend?—but that at the end of the day, your emotions are your own, and having a five-minute funeral reminds you that you can handle them yourself. 03. IT MAKES ME MORE RESILIENT.

The more you let yourself feel your emotions, the more your inner self will trust you. It sounds cheesy, but I promise it’s true. If you know you’ll have the space to grieve something that you wanted—even if it’s as seemingly small and silly as a Hinge match or a coffee date—you’ll feel freer to want things again, opening you up to new possibilities. You’ll know that if this one, too, doesn’t work out, you will do what you’ve always done: take five minutes to feel your feelings and then move on to the next thing to hope for. Labeling this process has reminded me that these little heartbreaks are normal, something that’s sometimes hard to remember when in the throes of dating drama. The fact is, dating often involves a lot of disappointment before you meet Mr. Right, and if you let yourself be thrown into despondency by everything that falls through, you’ll put yourself through a lot of torture you don’t need. I like to think of all the busy realtors holding their five-second funerals every day. Failure and disappointment are part of life, and having a prepared mental file folder in which to place those less-thanfavorite moments of my day helps me realize just how much of my day is not spent mourning.

A REAL EMOTION (IF YOU LET IT RUN ITS COURSE NATURALLY) LASTS ABOUT 90 SECONDS. IF WE REPRESS OUR EMOTIONS OR RETURN TO THEM BECAUSE THEY FEEL UNRESOLVED, WE CAN PUT OURSELVES THROUGH PAIN LONGER.

There are many small setbacks in a dating life that come short of breakups: you ask someone out and it goes wrong; that cute guy on the dating app finally ghosts for real; your ex posts a picture with his new girlfriend; another friend passes a milestone that you’ve been waiting for; and so on. At those times, I try to give myself space to feel my feelings with what I’m calling a five-minute funeral: driving for five minutes while listening to music, calling a friend to rant, or just having a good old-fashioned cry in the shower. Then I pick myself up and move on. Here’s how it can help. 01. I GET A CHANCE TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS.

As a longtime (and recovering!) emotion represser, I struggle with feeling my feelings at times, especially around love and relationships, which can bring up powerful feelings of shame and loneliness. But a real emotion (if you let it run its course naturally) lasts about 90 seconds. If we repress our emotions or return to them because they feel unresolved, we can put ourselves through pain longer.

a big deal for you. That’s what acknowledging your emotions looks like—making space for a big feeling even if your inner critic thinks you should just move on. If you “let it knock you down,” I’ve seen time and time again that it will “bring you back around.”

Cassandra Murray writes from the Midwest.

02. IT GIVES ME CLOSURE.

Closure—for a buzzword, it’s probably a little overrated. Someone else isn’t in charge of your emotional life—you are. The fiveminute funeral brings that principle home. Maybe that guy you had a crush on will not have a touching moment with you where he says goodbye before moving to the big city for his new job. Maybe your mom won’t

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R E L AT I O N S H I P S

HOW TO TELL WHEN FRIENDSHIPS TURN TOXIC AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT Ever heard the term ‘energy vampire’ before?

I L LUSTRATION BY SY LVI A BA L DE VA

BY M O N IC A G A B R IE L MA RSHALL

If you’re lucky, you have several close friends. Some might bring an electric sense of wonder into your life; others might keep you grounded with their snarky humor and resourceful advice. But what about those friends who leave you feeling like you just hit a wall—a wall underneath a stormy cloud of misery and confusion, no less? Sure, no friendship is perfect. Day to day, it’s never going to be an equal exchange of give and take. And it’s vital to be supportive for those loved ones who are hurting and struggling. But being there for a friend who’s having a hard time is very different from allowing a negative friend to envelop you into their world of negativity. “Negativity can come in all kinds of forms,” says Sarah Argenal, founder of Working Parent Source and certified professional and life coach who often deals with clients in toxic relationships. “Manipulation, a ‘Debbie Downer,’ or even being a classic ‘one-upper,’” all have negative influences on your friendship. When negativity has become the relationship’s defining characteristic, it can become a toxic friendship, which means it’s time to analyze where the relationship is going, as well as what the heck happened.” Monica Gabriel Marshall, former editor-in-chief and relationships editor at Verily, lives in Virginia.

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DO YOU HAVE TOXIC FRIENDS?

“Toxic behaviors are deal breakers,” shares Argenal. “Ultimately it all boils down to respect—and toxic friends are those who don’t respect healthy boundaries.” Toxic friendships don’t just affect you, they can affect your other relationships, your job, and your sanity. You may not want to believe it, but you owe it to yourself to determine whether this person is helping you through life or hurting you. Argenal suggests you ask yourself these questions:

• • •

Are they consistently putting you down, or making you feel bad about yourself? Do they often criticize your behavior without reason? Is their character questionable? For instance, do they have a hard time being honest? Do they fail to stick to agreements? Do they see the worst in others? Are they manipulative? (Do you find yourself wavering on your own beliefs or wishes around them?) Do they not respect other people’s time, money, or energy? If you give an inch, do they take a mile?

If you can answer “yes” to any one of these, you should be concerned. Keep in mind, toxicity largely depends on your temperament and the way you receive negativity as well. Some high-energy, confident folks might just shrug when they talk to their Debbie Downer friend. But someone with a different temperament might be more strongly influenced by a negative personality. You have to assess where you are and figure out how to change the situation before the situation changes you. Here’s how. 01. FACE YOUR FEARS ABOUT CONFRONTING YOUR FRIEND

Long before a friendship turns into a toxic wasteland of a relationship, there are little signs. A comment that wasn’t exactly kind; or a criticism that didn’t exactly have a point. But considering that you’re 50 percent of the relationship—and an adult—you have incredible power as to whether or not these little signs continue. However, implementing changes can be tricky, especially if you’ve made people-pleasing a lifelong habit, or if you’ve let the negativity simmer, not wanting to rock the boat. Argenal shares that when she looked at her own relationships with “energy vampires,” she realized that it began with her own poor discernment. She had to decide first to be honest with herself and then with other people. “Sure, I was a victim,” she says, “but I was only a victim because I let people take advantage of my giving nature.” Instead of assuming that everyone around her was actively taking advantage of her goodwill, she took a step back and realized that she never really gave them any

boundaries to begin with. Whether we’re cognizant of it or not, all relationships have boundaries. And toxic relationships often cross them. “It depends on your personal threshold, but negativity in a relationship can build, and if boundaries are not addressed at some point or another, the relationship can become toxic,” says Argenal. While establishing boundaries might not necessarily solve another person’s general negativity—that is, their own personal struggle—it could influence how that negativity affects you and your mental wellbeing. If you find yourself afraid to stand up to friends, realize that doing such is imperative for the friendship to last. “It will be awkward at first, but it gets better with practice,” Argenal shares.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF AFRAID TO STAND UP TO FRIENDS, REALIZE THAT DOING SUCH IS IMPERATIVE FOR THE FRIENDSHIP TO LAST. Cicely Wilson, CPC, ELI-MP, who often works with clients addressing interpersonal relationships in their lives, adds: “If you’re new to this, or not necessarily the greatest speaker, I often suggest writing a letter, and sitting in front of the person while you read the letter out loud. It might be awkward, but at least you’ll be getting everything off your chest.” However, if they’re not necessarily crossing the line, but aren’t positive forces in your life and are actually affecting your own perception of yourself, it might be worth taking a step back in the relationship. “You have every right to be choosy with your friends,” says Wilson. 02. DECIDE IF THE FRIENDSHIP CAN CONTINUE

If you’ve put your boundaries out on the table, it’s time to discern if the relationship is

salvageable. “If they respect the boundaries, it might even bring you closer. Your friend will know what to expect from you,” shares Argenal. While the reciprocation of your boundaries might not always elicit instant positivity— emotions can range from extremely apologetic, to shocked, to even angry—you’ll eventually realize whether or not your friend is motivated to change. “Usually they do change—especially if the relationship is a long-standing one,” shares Argenal. However, if they don’t change, or even get angry with you for addressing your boundaries, you have your answer there. “If they’re not willing to see your boundaries, they’re not interested in a healthy relationship,” Wilson notes. While the possibility of losing this person as a friend might seem scary, realize that you have the right to say no—and that your boundaries are going to be different from other people’s boundaries. A true friend will respect your needs as well as offer their own because they’ll want the relationship to be of value to both of you. 03. LET GO, AND LET LIVE

“Whenever preservation is possible, that’s the mode of action to prefer. Nevertheless, there are circumstances where that might not be the case,” shares Wilson. Ultimately, all you can really be responsible for is communicating your boundaries in the clearest way possible. If, at this point, your friend is still not getting it, or even trying to manipulate the situation and playing victim to your assertions, you should realize that you’ve got a truly toxic relationship on your hands—and it’s time to break up. “At that point they’re being stubborn and selfish,” shares Wilson. “Here, it’s important to consider that you don’t have a friend anymore. Once you realize this, it will be easier for you to detach from the relationship.” While she expresses that none of this is easy—especially with longer-term friendships—it is necessary and vital for your own wellbeing. As Argenal adds, “While a lot of people shy away from the idea of established boundaries, I’ve realized that those with the healthiest, calmest, and most fulfilling lives with high-quality friendships…are those are the people who have learned this skill.” Once you start working on establishing boundaries, it becomes a really natural part of self-care. “It might seem awkward— and even unnatural—at first to have these conversations. But as time passes, you’ll get better at them,” Argenal adds. Friendships are challenging. Good or bad, they require effort. But a good friendship will be worth every ounce of effort. A toxic one, on the other hand, may be hard to change or cut loose, but you’ll be stronger for it.

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WHAT NEWLYWED LIFE ON A NARROWBOAT TAUGHT ME ABOUT FREEDOM Building a home with my husband expanded my horizons. BY AMY OWE NS

V ER ILY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

We bought a narrowboat a few months before we got married. Our first home together; six foot eight inches wide, 71 foot long, “like living in a tube carriage” my husband said. We’d never lived together before and now our bed was four foot wide. Our dining table folded out from the wall to seat two and we owned one armchair between us. You empty your own toilet on a boat. There are more than 5,000 boaters on the London canals, up from 2,000 in 2010. What used to be a last resort for the marginalized or the reserve of extreme bohemia is now a reasonable lifestyle choice for a young professional, driven to creativity by London’s housing crisis. I was getting married before many of my friends and I think they thought I was giving up on adventure. I feared that, too. What if marriage did mean settling down; suburbia? What if having children did mean you wanted to talk about mortgages and get on school waiting lists and only read parenting books? So, to the waterways of London in a boat called Marple, intent on proving that I couldn’t be tied down. Our little home of steel and wood chugged through the big city to wherever we wanted to go. We moved every few weeks, whenever we got tired of a place. New park, new commute, new launderette, new floating neighbors. Free. Self-sufficient with our solar power and totally in control. We beached up in Port Meadow, Oxford, during a dry summer, jumped from the deck into the river, wild ponies watching us from the bank. We chugged past Runnymede Island, where the Magna Carta was signed, and when King Charles was crowned last year we were moored at the gates of Hampton Court Palace. Canals can’t run

uphill, but once at the northernmost point of a few weeks’ journey to the Midlands, the ground seemed to fall away and, improbably, we watched a sunset over the hills. Still, the canals were the arteries of Victorian England’s industry, and more often than not we slept next to construction vehicle parks, bus garages, endless corrugated factories. We spent a month under a four-lane road bridge next to a rubbish dump and a squat full of heavy metal musicians. You live with a sense of precarity on a boat. Quite literally: my home often moved while I was out of it— I’d go to work and find my husband had gone to fill up with water and Marple was off downstream. More disconcertingly, sometimes she would be in the same place but facing the other direction, and at night I would lie there trying to remember which side of the bed was the expanse of water and which the solid ground. Every time we went away for a few days my heart would skip a beat as we hauled our suitcases down the muddy towpath to where she’d last been. You live with the seasons on a boat. In summer, boaters take every possible opportunity to sit out on deck and barbecue. I loved watching the rain patter on the water inches below my kitchen window; bailing it out of the engine bay hours later was less idyllic. It’s cold beneath the gunwhales no matter how raging the fire in the stove. The baby we had on the boat stayed in the four foot bed with us all winter. Home ownership is a fantasy for most young people in the UK. It was only when we bought our home outright that I began to understand that security isn’t totally antithetical to freedom. Marple was ours; we didn’t owe anyone anything any more—not the landlord, not the energy company, not the council. (UK boaters don’t pay local tax.) It opened up possibilities: not only could we travel where we wanted—we could quit our jobs; become poets or potters if we liked.

In the living room I hung a picture of a sailboat on a beach on stilts, in construction. I thought we could think of these early years of our marriage as the time to build a boat for the rest of it. It isn’t difficult to extend the analogy. We were choosing a kind of security in choosing each other—but I think I was right to defend it to my friends as the kind of security that would give us freedom, not take it away. It’s easier to cast off from the shore when you know you’re in a secure vessel. We were setting sail together, off out into the world. Marriage was choosing who to adventure with. We renamed our boat Constance before we moved off her at the beginning of this autumn. In a storm, sailors would tell each other to “hold fast,” meaning to grab onto rigging or something else solid and secure to prevent being swept overboard. Holding fast: that is what those years of movement and mud and bailing out taught us. I think the boat we built will last. Amy Owens writes from London, England.

P H OTOGRA P H Y BY RE N É E ROUL E AU

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P H OTOGRA P H Y BY E RIN D RAGO

WHAT TO SAY (AND NOT SAY) TO ADOPTIVE FAMILIES Celebrating the gift of adoption with tips from a therapist BY K E L S E Y T. C H U N, MF T

Each year, hundreds of thousands of children are adopted in the United States. According to the Adoption Network, almost 100 million Americans have adoption in their immediate family, and 60 percent of the U.S. population have had personal experience with adoption. Numbers like these suggest that all of us know

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

someone involved in adoption, if we don’t have personal experience with it ourselves. Despite these statistics, general knowledge about adoption is sometimes lacking. Many people don’t know what to say to adoptees or families who’ve adopted, or they don’t say anything for fear of saying the wrong

thing. Even well-meaning family or friends can unintentionally say something hurtful simply due to lack of education on the topic. Whether you know someone personally involved in adoption or not, it’s important to be versed in terminology and phrasing that help remove the stigma surrounding adoption, so that it will be

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accepted for the common experience that it is. As a family therapist and a woman with friends who have gone through the adoption process, I’ve learned there are some common words, questions, and phrases to avoid when it comes to adoption, and what can be used instead. USING POSITIVE ADOPTION LANGUAGE

AdoptMatch provides a selection of positive adoption terms that can be used in place of commonly-misused ones. In my experience, possibly the most common misused term is “unwanted pregnancy.” Instead, “unintended pregnancy” conveys much less stigma and is more accurate. Other widely used but problematic terms include “to keep her child” and “put up” or “given up” for adoption. These phrases unwittingly convey that a child is a piece of property or a possession. Additionally, AdoptMatch notes that“give up” is usually something associated with bad habits (i.e. she “gave up” drinking or smoking) or connotes something done without much thought. On the contrary, the decision and process a birth parent goes through in choosing adoption is incredibly thoughtful and emotionally intense, not to mention a responsible and selfless action. Instead of these potentially harmful phrases, use positive adoption language: a birth mother chose “to parent or not to parent her child,” and she “made an adoption plan” or simply “chose adoption.” IDENTIFYING KEY PARTICIPANTS IN ADOPTION

daughter—is appropriate and respectful. Adding “adopted” as an adjective here adds an unnecessary qualifier that implies this child is not the parents’ “own child.” As AdoptMatch notes, this implies “there is a different value placed on this child because he or she does not share a biological connection to their parent,” which could influence the child’s self-identity, selfesteem, and her perceived role or value in her family. REMEMBERING ADOPTION DOESN’T HAVE TO BE CONNECTED TO INFERTILITY

Comments that imply that adoption is a couple’s second option to conceiving biologically perpetuate the stigma that

choose adoption for a number of reasons, not just due to infertility. NOT COMMENTING ABOUT APPEARANCES

In our modern world, one would think that people would be more familiar with families that don’t appear homogeneous. Yet that doesn’t stop people from commenting about differences in appearances within a family, which is common with adoption. While adoption can certainly be discussed openly and parents are usually well-versed in handling such comments, it is likely that neither the parent nor the child needs a reminder that they don’t look alike. Especially if the family has both biological children and children who were adopted, avoid questions like, “Which one is yours?” or “Are all of them yours?” They are.

WHETHER YOU KNOW SOMEONE PERSONALLY INVOLVED IN ADOPTION OR NOT, IT’S IMPORTANT TO BE VERSED IN TERMINOLOGY AND PHRASING THAT HELP REMOVE THE STIGMA SURROUNDING ADOPTION, SO THAT IT WILL BE ACCEPTED FOR THE COMMON EXPERIENCE THAT IT IS.

I’ll never forget when I was only seven years old, asking my best friend’s mom about her youngest daughter’s “real mom” while she was driving me to soccer practice. She kindly but matter-of-factly told me that she is her daughter’s real mom, and that maybe I meant her “birth” or “biological” mom. While I was young and naive, I’m glad someone set me straight (and gave me grace) at a young age. Though it may seem like adults would know better than to use such terminology (and ask such invasive questions), some really don’t know better. Rather than making the mistake I made as a child, use “biological parent” or “birth parent” instead of “real parent.” Another common misconception is that parents of a child who was adopted should be referred to as the “adoptive parents” rather than simply “parents”—which is what they are. Likewise, their child need not be called an “adopted child.” Simply calling the adoptee who they are—child, son, or

adoption is somehow inferior to biological parenting/birthing. Unfortunately, a comment (and incorrect assumption) like, “Now you’ll get pregnant!” could be incredibly hurtful to parents. This likely well-meaning statement implies that getting pregnant and having a biological child is still the preferred option. Consider how damaging it would feel to a child who was adopted to overhear someone saying this to a friend. Comments like this also ignore the fact that, for many couples, choosing to adopt has nothing to do with their fertility. So don’t assume that all couples who’ve adopted could not have children biologically; couples

RESPECTING THE DIGNITY AND PAST OF THE CHILD

Even when meant as compliments, comments that praise parents for adopting or that call their children “lucky” set adoptive families apart unnecessarily. Parenting is parenting, which for any family will include its fair share of difficulties, joys, and everything in between, even if some of those difficulties may be different. Comments that suggest an adoptee is “lucky” or “blessed,” or that he should be “grateful” to be a part of his family, ignore this fact and the “both/and” factor of adoption. As one of my therapy professors in graduate school gently reminded me when I made a cheery and naive comment along these lines, “Adoption starts with loss.” A child who was adopted may feel both love for his family and sadness for the losses associated with adoption. Plus, it makes an unnecessary distinction between this child and a biological son or daughter. What child isn’t in some sense “lucky” to be a part of his or her family, and conversely, what child doesn’t deserve a happy and stable home? Implying that an adopted child should have more “gratitude” than a biological child can be a failure to take into account both the child’s own dignity and the struggles of his or her early life. While some of these phrases and questions seem obvious to avoid, others are more subtle and unfamiliar, and therefore more difficult to incorporate into our vernacular. But the pay-off is well worth the effort. What we say—and don’t say—to adoptive families can be powerful, and learning how to discuss adoption can help build up our relationships with adoptive friends and family. Kelsey Chun is a marriage and family therapist and author of With A Little Grace, writing from Michigan.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

C U LT U R E

BOOKS

THE PARIS

GROWING SEASONS:

HOUSEKEEPER

HEARTFELT RECIPES, DIY

NOTEWORTHY

(RENEE RYAN)

STYLE AND DÉCOR, AND INSPIRATION TO HELP YOU FIND BEAUTY AND

Camille Lacroix is a maid at the Ritz in Paris—and while it may sound fancy, it doesn’t make ends meet, especially in troubled 1940, when World War II is raging. To make a little more money, she takes on the duties of a lady’s maid for American widow Vivian Miller, who lives at the hotel full-time in style (and is rumored to have sympathies with the powerful Nazi party). While working for her, though, Camille makes an unexpected discovery about Vivian’s real character when she becomes desperate to smuggle her friend Rachel Berman out of Paris. Coming from an established historical novelist with 30 books under her belt, this promises to be an engrossing read.

SECURE LOVE: CREATE A

WONDER IN EACH DAY (KRISTIN JOHNS) Kristin Johns’s peaceful, vibey Instagram account is a lovely corner of the internet, and her book promises to bring a little bit of that Instagrammable bliss into our everyday. With recipes, DIYs, and personal reflections geared to the twelve months of the year, this book will help you live seasonally, bring a little bit of aspirational loveliness into the concrete world, and look pretty on your coffee table.

THE PRINCES IN THE

RELATIONSHIP THAT LASTS

TOWER: SOLVING

A LIFETIME

HISTORY’S GREATEST

(JULIE MENANNO)

COLD CASE (PHILIPPA LANGLEY)

MUSIC

Did you read Attached, the landmark book on adult attachment, but find yourself left with a question: “Can I change my attachment style?” Whether you’re avoidant, secure, or anxious, this new book by a licensed marriage and family therapist will help you unlock the secrets to a healthy, secure, and lasting relationship. Julie Menanno has 1 million followers on Instagram (@thesecurerelationship) tuned into her down-to-earth advice about relationship issues, so her book will be a game-changer for anyone struggling in an anxious and/or avoidant cycle.

Looking to delve into a longunsolved historical mystery this winter? Look no further: you are in the capable hands of Philippa Langley, whose Looking for Richard project led to the successful discovery of Richard III’s grave. Now she’s turned her sleuthing skills to a new puzzle: what happened to twelve-yearold Edward V and nine-year-old Richard, Duke of York when they disappeared from the Tower of London in 1483? History has concluded they were murdered by Richard III, but Langley suggests there is more to the story.

PLAIN WHITE T’S, PLAIN

DOLLY PARTON,

WHITE T’S

ROCKSTAR

The singers of the soundtrack to everyone’s 2005 (“Hey There Delilah”) are still going strong, with their ninth studio album. Tracks like “Red Flags” are somehow both fresh and nostalgic, with the brightness of their signature pop-punk style and just the right amount of angst: “White lies, white lies, you just love to brag / Bet you hide all of your secrets in that little yellow Gucci bag.” “You Plus Me” is a fun, lighthearted love song in a style we can’t help but associate with the 2000s— which are coming back in style, after all.

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Dolly Parton is unstoppable. The 77-year-old country singer was nominated for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2022, but protested, since her background is in country music. But she promised a new project: her fortyninth studio album, a series of collaborations with rock musicians. The result is a dazzling Who’s Who of rock: Miley Cyrus on “Wrecking Ball,” Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr on “Let It Be,” Sting on “Every Breath You Take,” and more—Elton John, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kid Rock, and Stevie Nicks. Even Lizzo makes an appearance. All this is topped off by an original Dolly track—fittingly titled “Rockstar.”

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NICKI MINAJ,

USHER, COMING HOME

PINK FRIDAY 2 Nicki Minaj’s first studio album, titled Pink Friday, came out in 2010. Now she’s back with the sequel, despite having announced and then recanted her retirement from hiphop in 2019. At this point we know what to expect from Nicki Minaj— her “fierce, fun, and unapologetic” style doesn’t lend itself to familyfriendly tracks—but “Last Time I Saw You” is a foray into depth and introspection that suggests there may be more to Pink Friday 2 than the shiny surface: “I wish I’da hugged you tighter the last time that I saw you . . . Maybe I pushed you away because I thought that I’d bore you.”

FREUD’S LAST

You heard it here first: Usher will be the headliner for Super Bowl LVIII, on February 11, 2024. And he’s dropping an album on the same day. This will be his first solo album since Hard II Love in 2016, part of what the New York Times is calling an “Usher renaissance.” The album’s first single, “Good Good,” promises continued reflections on love in Coming Home—“We ain’t good good, but we still good. . . . I hate that we didn’t make it to forever / Probably ain’t gettin’ back together / But that don’t mean that I can’t wish you better.”

THE COLOR PURPLE

MOVIES

SESSION Alice Walker’s epistolary novel The Color Purple won a Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award for Fiction in 1983, and gave rise to a 1985 film, an unblinking portrayal of the sexism, domestic violence, racism, and abuse that formed much of AfricanAmerican women’s experience in the twentieth century. Steven Spielberg directs a musical film adaptation about Celie, who grows up in Georgia but dreams of reuniting with her sister in Africa. IMDb calls the story “a decades-spanning tale of love and resilience and one woman’s journey to independence.”

Anthony Hopkins and Matthew Goode (of Downton Abbey fame) star in an imagined conversation between C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud in Freud’s Last Session. The film is based on a stage play by Mark St. Germain, which in turn was based on the book The Question of God, written by clinical professor of psychiatry Armand Nicholi. Expect a wide-ranging, thoughtprovoking conversation between two great minds and two great actors.

WONKA

MEAN GIRLS

Timothée Chalamet stars as a young Willy Wonka in this spin-off of Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Learn how “Willy became Wonka”—Willy’s first encounter with an Oompa Loompa, his journey to build a magical chocolate factory, and the friends he makes along the way—in what looks to be a frothy, fantastical tale with aesthetics reminiscent of The Greatest Showman. Bonus: this film is rated PG. Bring the kids!

It’s been twenty years (!!!) since the original Mean Girls, and the trailer promises that this new adaptation of the 2018 Broadway musical is not “your mother’s Mean Girls.” Starring Renée Rap as Regina George, Christopher Briney as Aaron Samuels, and Angourie Rice as Cady Heron, alongside Jenna Fischer as Ms. Heron and Tina Fey (who also wrote the screenplay) as Ms. Norbury. Remaking a classic is always divisive, but Mean Girls is always sure to get attention.

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IL LUSTR AT I ON BY CATE PAR R

C U LT U R E

FINDING SOLACE IN CREATIVITY WHEN YOUR BODY DOESN’T ALWAYS FEEL LIKE HOME When chronic illness feels like falling apart, creative arts can bring a restoration of self. BY LU CY P I NNI NGTON

There is something incongruent and uncomfortable about living inside a body that isn’t functioning as it should or as you’d wish it to; it’s like walking around a version of your home in a dream. You open a door and behind it is a blank wall, not a room. You go upstairs and end up in a basement. You reach for the familiar light switch and mysteriously

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it’s not there. You run outside and find yourself in a street that is somehow not your own commonplace street; there are trees where there are no trees, a river rather than a road. Everything is just a little bit wrong, and you’re not at home—you’re in a trap. I was born with a congenital medical condition. I was not told about it until I was

11, and further details were progressively revealed as I grew older, so my life is divided into a series of befores and afters. A photo of myself as a young child, clutching a popsicle and my toy lamb, posed just so on a tree stump in a kilt and a red knitted coat and hat, shows someone fully integrated, someone settled and comfortable in her body and, to

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be honest, smugly satisfied with herself. The revelations about my medical condition shattered that: I felt, time and time again with each new piece of information, that I was undone, unraveled, and that, as in a terrible dream, the face I saw in the mirror was not my own. I somehow formed the conclusion that my medical condition was shameful, must be kept a deep, dark secret. Further, there was nothing to grieve, nothing to be upset about; rather, I should be grateful. (I learned that deep incongruence between what I felt and what seemed acceptable to express was natural and normal.) But in the dream house, I would climb into the strange bed in the strange room and say to myself, “Oh, isn’t this cozy?” as if nothing was wrong. I was still among the rubble of my identity, trying somehow to rebuild it, when I became chronically ill. Barely an adult, I felt as though I had fled my house made from sticks for a house made of straw and the Big Bad Wolf had blown it down around my ears. By this stage I’d developed a mentality that my body didn’t matter, my physical and emotional needs were irrelevant, and all that counted was mind over matter and pushing forward. But my body? Oh, it had different ideas. My life seemed to shrink as I never recovered and as my body refused to be mastered by my mind. The impact of the illness grew, until I seemed to be like Alice in the White Rabbit’s cottage—an arm out of the window, a foot up the chimney, trapped with no magical escape to look for. I could only rarely leave home in my powered wheelchair, I lost my friends, I was not the mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt I needed to be. It’s hard for me to not know who I am or even what I am. I connected at a profound level to the idea that I was a mistake, that I hadn’t been “fearfully and wonderfully made” as God knit me together in my mother’s womb but that before I had even drawn breath, I was defective and rejected. Time and disabling chronic illness were only deepening the cracks, unraveling the dropped stitches, and further ruining a ruined thing. The physical body that should have been my faithful companion was a traitor, and I could no more be at home in it than I could in a carnival fun house with shaking floors and distorting mirrors. Nobody can live like that. PIECING MYSELF BACK TOGETHER

My mind could not control my body, but it could look for keys to open doors, solutions to problems. Ultimately, the thing that has helped and healed me most has been making and crafting, forming an identity for myself that I could feel at home in—a creator, not just a created thing gone wrong. Taking fabric, cutting it into tiny pieces, shaping orderly hexagons over paper templates and then, one by one, piecing them together into a quilt feels powerfully

redemptive. It’s almost a form of magic to take smooth and perfect quilting cotton, create chaos from it with scissors and then, with needle and thread, assemble a new whole and perfect piece of cloth. Using scraps or old clothes and making one’s own templates from wastepaper takes the act of English paper piecing to an even deeper level of significance—literal rubbish becomes an heirloom as the hands guide the blades and the needle point—trash into treasure. To transform a ball of yarn into fabric, using two needles or one hook, seaming pieces together or shaping it seamlessly into a garment, blanket, or toy is an ordinary deed but, if you think about it for a moment, it’s a truly powerful and even revolutionary act. A thread of wool or cotton becomes a shelter for the body or a friend who can be brought to life through the eyes of a loving child. When one feels powerless, the myriad small decisions that a maker brings to his or her craft creates a sense of power and purpose. I decide what to make, select yarn, choose needles or hook that will best create the fabric I am looking for, decide which pattern to use or perhaps improvise one from my own imagination. Some of my favorite projects involve colorwork—combining many shades and patterns in traditional fairisle or a “scrappy project” using up random leftovers to make socks or a blanket of many colors. Each row is a decision, an act of deliberate choice as to which color will go next around the needles, and when I feel as though I have little control over my body or my life, the ability to shape the destiny of yarn is a useful substitute. In recent years I have developed a passion for the almost timeless art of spinning. The feeling of rootedness as I became the latest link in a chain of ancestors stretching back for millennia was almost shocking. I vividly treasure the memory of one rare day out when I stood barefoot on an ancient heath, my drop spindle rising and falling as it drew yarn from fiber, and felt that I was outside time, intimately woven into the lives of the women who would surely have stood there doing just that before my country had a name, before a word of history had ever been written. Taking the fleece of a sheep who grazes and grows that coat it in a field not far from my home and, with the movement of one foot setting my spinning wheel rotating or the push of one hand sending the drop spindle twisting, metamorphosing fluff into yarn—I will never tire of that. The magical properties of crafting almost allow one to reverse the Fall, to restore order from chaos, to conjure parts back to a whole. In a world, in a body, that can feel entirely subject to entropy and destructive powers, the act of making feels like a contribution to the proper order of things. Creating and birthing an idea into reality are for me a

connection, not just to my own sense of self or to my nameless ancestors, but to the Creator of the universe. It makes sense to me that God made us with the deep-seated urge to be creative. Some of the earliest stories we have from the dawn of time across cultures show us humans exercising their imaginations—like Adam and Eve naming animals and sewing together fig leaves to make rudimentary clothes. It is empowering to disconnect from modern consumerism and find ways to take root back in a culture of creating and making. THE COMFORTS I CAN WEAVE

So many of the creative arts I have come to love and depend on are incremental, able to be completed slowly in stages, from the comfort of a sheepskin-draped rocking chair or a pillowy nest in bed. These days, I may struggle to find the right words to express my thoughts or to understand new and complex information, but the small and ordinary thought processes of crafting are still accessible to me. It is a blessing to contribute, however modestly, to my family and my society, whether that’s ensuring my children have warm toes in handknit socks or joining in with a charitable craft project to offer comfort to strangers. When disability and discomfort within my own identity cause me to feel homeless within myself, I can soothe that ache and restore my sense of self by participating in the beautiful arts I have been able to learn over the years. The fiber arts have allowed me to let my love be expressed in stitches when I cannot express it in grander gestures; they have permitted me to make something meaningful from countless tiny movements of my hands; they have enabled me to see myself as someone who can do and be, rather than someone who can’t and isn’t. Lucy Pinnington writes from Norfolk, England.

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P H OTOGRA P H Y BY V E RA L A IR

HELPING PEOPLE EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS STARTS WITH EMPATHY A host of efforts in Waco, Texas, give a strong example. BY L E E S C H E F F E

When Fixer Upper landed the college town of Waco, Texas, on the public map ten years ago, tourists and television-watchers alike admired the homey, imitate feel of the small town. The reality of Waco experienced by locals, however, doesn’t always resemble that image. Beneath the pristine images of the Magnolia Silos lies a complex, proud community facing a number of

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pressing issues. Waco is a reminder that our homes are situated in unique communities that experience unique challenges, and work toward improving our communities must be grounded in a deep, thorough understanding of them. One such community challenge, present in Waco and nearly every other municipality in our nation, is homelessness.

Last year, I took part in an exercise during which about thirty of my peers and I were asked to list the most serious social issues in our community. Nearly all of us listed homelessness as the primary challenge. Afterward, we were asked why we listed particular issues. With respect to homelessness, most of us noted that we saw homeless men and women below

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underpasses, lined up by food banks, or outside gas stations. Soon after, we were asked to research the extent to which the issues we listed were actually present in our community. We were surprised to learn that our community, McLennan County in Waco, Texas, has a smaller adult homeless population than many surrounding or comparably sized counties in the state. We learned, however, a plethora of other issues related to housing vulnerability permeated our community. Waitlists for public housing, condemnation due to unlivable conditions in housing, and people “one emergency away” from losing their homes (a metric estimated by a helpful tool called the Asset Limited, Income Constrained, Employed, or ALICE index) are concerningly present both locally in Waco and globally. This exercise was intended to get us to think about pressing social issues in concrete, tangible ways specific to our communities. Such thinking is noble yet challenging. Our understanding of social issues is largely constrained by our ability to objectively observe our communities. Because we don’t often make an effort to see our communities in their entirety, we tend to reduce complex issues like homelessness into a basic, unhelpful set of attitudes like “that’s not really my responsibility,” “they should just get a job,” or “I’m glad there are people to help them.” None of these attitudes is well-informed or motivates positive action. Instead, we need to stretch ourselves to understand the reality of issues like homelessness while innovating pragmatic, local, and generous strategies for change. This perspective shift must begin with an awareness of the lived realities of people experiencing homelessness. It is only in this that we can understand, be truly empathetic to, and adequately respond to homelessness and similar issues. Love Beyond Walls’ Dignity Museum is designed for this purpose. In 2013, Love Beyond Walls founder Terrence Lester began his effort to serve people experiencing homelessness by living on the streets in Atlanta for one month, in order to understand their stories as a starting point for change. Subsequently, he founded Love Beyond Walls to tell the stories of people experiencing homelessness and stimulate efforts to serve them. The Dignity Museum, housed in converted shipping containers, is an installment that archives and displays such stories. The museum is meant to transform visitors’ perspectives by challenging stereotypes, fostering empathy, and inspiring action as it pertains to homelessness. In broadening perspectives, the Dignity Museum serves to dismantle harmful attitudes about homelessness and properly orient visitors toward action. We should seek to

replicate this mission by mindfully moving outside of our comfort zones and properly understanding the lives of people experiencing homelessness in our communities. Engaged solutions to homelessness must begin with an open attitude to behold our neighbors in their complexities. We have an obligation to recognize the dignity of those experiencing homelessness by understanding the true nature of their experiences, rather than imposing our own beliefs. Meeting people experiencing homelessness where they are—understanding their realities rather than crafting solutions that misapprehend the nature of the problems they are experiencing—is likewise the goal of another transformative project: Do Something for Nothing. This organization, an effort by barber Joshua Coombes, began simply. Joshua began to offer haircuts to people in London experiencing homelessness. Eventually, he started to post the stories of some of these people on social media, and quickly gained

attitudes generated by these projects have given rise to innovative organizations who work tangibly to alleviate homelessness. Highlighting their work can help illuminate the sort of community action required to make real progress. In my home of Waco, a nonprofit called Mission Waco launched a project called Creekside Community Village, which is designed to be a community of around 150 single-resident housing units to serve unhoused men and women. Many residents will also serve as volunteers for the community and its various establishments, like a kitchen and gathering space. Mission Waco is seeking to partner with the city and its residents for the provision of healthcare, transit, and other services. Creekside itself is modeled after a similar community in Austin called Community First, which has been tremendously successful in its effort to provide dignified, mindful, and genuine relief to people experiencing homelessness. The Creekside project remains in a planning phase and the details of its operation are subject to change. Mission Waco’s Creekside project is an example of a strategy for change which is relevant to the community it is serving. Creekside focuses on partnerships with existing community members and organizations, while recognizing the unique needs of Waco’s homeless population. Notice too that this effort was inspired by a project in a peer city. Good ideas are infectious, and genuine innovation can be replicated with a mindful consideration of local conditions. The Cove, another innovative nonprofit located in Waco, seeks a holistic approach to alleviating the tremendous challenges of teenage homelessness. The Cove offers support and resources, including after-school programming, access to sanitation, counseling, tutoring, and more. Youth homelessness in Waco is a complex, multifaceted issue that presents those affected with a vast array of unique challenges. The Cove’s mission is to confront each of these challenges with mindfulness and generosity. Homelessness is not a simple issue. We cannot hope to understand or act appropriately toward homelessness unless we actively seek to understand the realities of those experiencing it. Gabor Mate wrote that “Safety is not the absence of threat, it is the presence of connection.” Similarly, housing is necessary, but insufficient to address homelessness. Strong interpersonal relationships are fundamental. Working to behold our neighbors strengthens our own sense of belonging and taps into our universal longing for hearth and home.

In order to understand, be truly empathic to, and adequately respond to homelessness, we ought to begin with a close examination of the lived experience of those experiencing homelessness in our communities. national attention. Joshua’s movement inspired others to leverage their skills and positions to serve people experiencing homelessness in their communities, while listening and sharing the stories of those they are serving. Joshua’s project is particularly compelling because it encourages a pragmatic and individual response to homelessness. Too often we view complex social issues like homelessness as something for those in a better position than us to solve. We think we’re too busy, that our skills aren’t relevant, or that there are already people who focus on homelessness, so we need not. Obviously, these attitudes inspire passivity and dampen our motivation to do good. Do Something for Nothing counters these attitudes and replaces them with a compulsion to utilize our unique skills productively. Love Beyond Walls and Do Something for Nothing are both excellent examples of uplifting the stories of those experiencing homelessness while cultivating a spirit of generosity in those in a position to act. The

Lee Scheffe writes from Texas.

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5 COZY WINTER READS BY M O N IC A B UR K E

Winter is the best time of year to curl up on the couch with a hot beverage and a good book. Yet even though I have a recommended reading list a mile long, sometimes it can be difficult to decide where to begin. To make your search easier, I have compiled a list of five cozy reads for the colder months.

01. THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE C.S. LEWIS

It is always winter and never Christmas in Narnia, a magical land where animals talk and all are subject to Aslan, the great and powerful lion. In order to free Narnia from the curse of the White Witch, the four Pevensie siblings must leave England behind and do their part to fulfill the prophecy that promises peace and prosperity. This tale makes for an excellent seasonal read, complete with wintry teatime with Mr. Tumnus the faun and a visit from Father Christmas.

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02. THE ENCHANTED SONATA HEATHER DIXON WALLWORK

I love The Nutcracker, Tchaikovsky’s classic ballet based on E.T.A. Hoffmann’s story The Nutcracker and the Mouse King. I think the music is one of the most magical parts of the Christmas season. So imagine my delight when Heather Dixon Wallwork released a novel that re-tells this classic tale! Clara Stahlbaum is an accomplished pianist who is all set to marry the famous musician, Johann Kahler, although he may not know it yet . . . or know her yet, for that matter. Clara’s plans to impress Johann at the holiday concert are interrupted when she receives a mysterious gift on Christmas Eve.

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03. EMMA JANE AUSTEN

The young and beautiful Emma Woodhouse is so busy trying to make matches for her friends that she hardly pays any attention to her own heart. Emma is nosy, opinionated, and snobbish—in fact, Jane Austen predicted no one but the author herself would much like her. Yet you can’t help but root for Emma as she comes to see the error of her ways and the real object of her heart.

04. AN OLDFASHIONED GIRL LOUISA MAY ALCOTT

Little Polly Milton is sent to spend her vacation with Fanny Shaw and her family. She soon finds herself overwhelmed by the fashionable urban life of the Shaws and withstands a lot of teasing from Fanny’s younger brother, Tom. Eventually, Polly wins them over with her kindness and becomes a family favorite. As she continues to make visits over the years, Polly’s oldfashioned customs are pushed aside for the metropolitan way of doing things. But when times become tough for the Shaws, Polly is there to guide them to what really matters in life.

05. A LITTLE PRINCESS FRANCES HODGSON BURNETT

Young Sara Crewe is used to a life of luxury—but then, her father tragically passes away, and Sara is sent to work at a boarding school without a penny to live on. Despite her troubles, Sara is generous and kind—the real marks of royalty.

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DROWNING IN CARPOOLS: AN INVISIBLE AND SIGNIFICANT BURDEN ON MOMS Addressing an aspect of modern city design that hurts women in particular BY T I F FANY RE E D

Over the summer, a family from my church, knowing I was “between spots” and looking for a new apartment, invited me to stay in one of their spare rooms in a big house not far from downtown. I had lived with young families twice before, so I wasn’t fazed at all when two grinning toddlers greeted me on move-in day or when I discovered that I would be sharing a bathroom with them. The summer was a bustle of working during the day, preparing communal meals, storybook-reading, goofy games with the boys, and me learning a little bit of French (the entire family is fluent). Around all of this flowed an organic conversation between myself and Mary. We’d chat about recipes and meal plans, social updates, funny things her sons did, and our shared love of all things French. While I had visited France twice, Mary had lived there twice and it was from France that she and her family had moved to Waco two years ago for her husband’s work. Moving to Waco from New York City was hard enough for me; I couldn’t possibly imagine moving here from France. From my own transition, I had plenty of observations about the difference between these two

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urban landscapes. But hearing about Mary’s journey and seeing the city from the perspective of a young mom gave me something new to think about. Specifically, it’s opened my eyes to the ways car-centric design of our cities complicates the extent to which moms can experience and participate in their cities. CAR HISTORY

When they emerged more than a century ago, automobiles at first coexisted alongside other modes of transit such as the bicycle, streetcar, and train. But due to a combination

of industrial lobbying, public policy, and faulty business policies, cars slowly began to dominate the landscape, shoving out other transit options. Today, the design of most American cities lack public transit, walkable neighborhoods with a mix of businesses and homes, or a connected bike network. Our cities have become more sprawled out, forcing us to rely on a car to get around. According to a 2014 report by the Surface Transportation Policy Project titled, “High Mileage Moms,” by 1995, Americans were driving 88 percent farther than they did in 1969 to conduct errands and 137 percent further for social events and errands. “Much of this errand running is conducted by women,” the authors write. “And it is taking place in areas where stores are widely scattered and are often far from housing subdivisions or office parks. Because of this, women are making more trips and covering more miles. The way we’ve built our communities is literally giving mothers the run-around.” Mary reflected on this when I asked about her experience moving to Waco from Europe:

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“In Europe, I could walk to the bakery, a small grocery store for emergency needs, the library . . . the butcher, the post office, the doctor, and various friends.” But easy access to shops was only part of what made walkability feasible. Also essential was the fact that other people would be walking around her. “On any given day, I saw various people taking walks just for pleasure . . . [it] meant that I didn’t feel conspicuous taking my children on pleasure walks or walking to run an errand . . . I felt safer.” The lack of walkable design and a walking culture is a direct consequence of American urban design diverging from the principle of proximity that characterized old cities and moving toward the principle of dispersal that came to dominate American urban design in the 1950s. Attractive because of its emphasis on individualism, space, and privacy, dispersal has ruled American cities for more than a century, forcing citizens to spend absurd amounts of money on cars and thousands of hours in them. This makes participation in the city difficult for many population groups, but a significant portion of this forced increase in driving falls upon women, especially the mothers of schoolaged children, leaving them with less disposable time, at higher risk of social isolation, and more anxious due to the dangers of driving. LOST TIME

By spreading homes, shops, and jobs farther and farther away from each other and requiring the use of a car, our cities essentially force families to spend much time (their most precious limited resource), in pursuit of a decent life. For moms, this is costly. According to the High Mileage Moms report, mothers of school-aged children make two-thirds of all trips that involve conducting errands or shuttling family members around town. Altogether, it can easily add up to several hours per day. It isn’t difficult to think about what moms could be doing with that time if more essential businesses were situated close to home. The saved time from walking could go into running a small business, participating in local civics, reading and exercising, or simply spending more time with their children. But not only does the lost time represent lost opportunities. It also represents a loss of freedom for families to design a life in line with their values. Choosing to commute further for a school that’s better for your children or a dance studio that has a better program is one thing. Commuting for both activities because you have no choice is another. Many moms value saving time, caring for their environment, and building connections within their neighborhoods, but the design of

their neighborhoods and cities makes it very difficult or impossible for them to live out these values.

for self-care. Is it really any surprise to see sweatshirts reading “Mama needs some wine” and travel mugs sporting lines like, “You probably think I’m drinking coffee”?

ABSURD RISKS

Car-based design not only steals time and limits the free exercise of choice, but it also requires moms to consistently face the high risk embodied in driving; every year, driving claims the lives of about 40,000 Americans. “Going on a car ride is easily the most dangerous thing my kids do,” my friend Carol Anne, a mother to three young children, told me. “And that is a mental hurdle to overcome with driving.” To write this article, I spent some time browsing forums for stay-at-home moms, curious if there were any posts about driving. I was surprised to find several threads full of moms in various cities lamenting their paralyzing driving anxiety, the lack of

Many moms value saving time, caring for their environment, and building connections within their neighborhoods, but the design of their neighborhoods and cities makes it very difficult or impossible for them to live out these values. alternatives, and their suffocating isolation. Many families cannot afford a second car; in this instance, it’s usually the mom who stays home. For moms in cities ill-designed to serve the walker, biker, or transit rider, this means moms are essentially on lockdown at home until their husband or other caretaker arrives. Car-based design puts an undue strain on these women, forcing them to choose between living in anxiety, navigating dangerous streets with children, broaching an uncomfortable conversation about “getting out more” with their husbands, or paying money each week for Lyft rides around town without their kids. One mom recently told me how the disappearing sidewalks in Waco force her to walk in the street with her child in a stroller. For many of these moms, their lives begin to revolve around managing anxiety, escaping the house, and finding avenues

LESS SOCIAL CONNECTION

One thing I’ve learned from living with families is that raising children is much easier when there’s constant access to unpaid help, whether that’s from other parents, neighbors or single friends. Access to this kind of help creates a deeply nourishing “village dynamic” for moms, similar to what exists in many indigenous cultures today. But in the average North American context, this dynamic is rare, if not impossible to find. In a survey of 11,000 moms conducted earlier this year, Motherly found that 56 percent of mothers reported not having access to non-family or unpaid help. Mothering, for them, is a highly individual affair that often leads to burnout. Many moms respond to this absence of support by building online support groups, running book clubs, launching podcasts, or hosting events for moms at their churches. These efforts to make mothering less lonely are doubtless helpful, but my experiences of living with busy families have taught me that few things bring as much relief to moms as simply being surrounded by a social fabric of consistent, reliable, spontaneous help. Yet building and sustaining these kinds of supportive fabrics in cities dominated by sprawl is extremely difficult. BEYOND CONFINEMENT TO HOME AND CAR

When they entered the American landscape, automobiles were promoted as symbols of freedom, independence, and economic mobility. In the years since, it has become clear that organizing our cities around cars at the expense of other modes of transit has come at great cost to individuals and society as a whole. Not only has it made cities more dangerous and less social, but it has made it harder for countless mothers and children to lead full, relationally connected lives. The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay this way. Groups like the non-profit Strong Towns advocate for safer, denser, and more walkable cities, among other efforts (full disclosure: I serve on the advisory board). One thing I’ve learned from my work is that it is possible to make our cities safer and more inclusive for everyone . . . including moms with their strollers full of sleepyheaded kiddos and go bags. Tiffany Reed, a project manager for Verily, writes on urban design.

P HOTO VI A ALAMY

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P H OTOGRA P H Y BY BY LORE N A

7 THINGS I WISH I’D KNOWN BEFORE BUYING OUR FIRST HOME Number three could make or break your purchase. BY AB I GAI L MU RRI S H

“How’s it going?” people would ask when I told them that my husband and I were in the middle of buying a home. “Pretty well—but there’s a lot to do,” I would answer. That’s no exaggeration: Buying a home is a huge undertaking. Between budgets—which aren’t as easy as you think—and finding the right realtor, house hunting requires a lot of time and commitment. Looking back on the

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process, I see that we had a relatively painless experience. We quickly settled on a price with the seller. The inspection held no significant surprises. We closed on time. Yet there are seven simple things I wish I had a better grasp on well before we sealed the deal. 01. BUDGET FIRST.

A home budget is way more than about

what you can afford on a monthly mortgage. Do your own research to gauge what type of space you can afford in the area. Do you want a backyard? To pay into a homeowners association? A move-in-ready turnkey or a fixer-upper? “A lender can help you determine what price point in a home purchase would net you the same or lower monthly payments than

LIFESTYLE

your current rent. I have seen in most cases that what a person pays in rent is more than what they would pay for a home that they own,” says Cheryl Ferry, the real estate agent who helped us find our house last fall. A broker looks at your salary on paper but won’t account for your desire to travel, furnish and remodel your home, or pay it off in a certain time frame. So compare home costs and financial goals before ever meeting with a mortgage broker. Mortgage professionals told us we could afford homes in a certain price range based on my husband’s salary. Because of our own research, we already had an idea of what we were comfortable spending and where. It sounds obvious, but your budget—your whole budget—is the first step in narrowing your options. 02. MOST HOMES WILL COME WITH UNFORESEEN COSTS.

Account for new expenses that come with a home, such as increased energy usage, taxes, and repairs not covered by insurance or your homeowner’s warranty. The costs of “little” house projects and purchases (such as painting and buying a lawn mower) add up. I knew I’d need to wait to upgrade our couch and living room furniture, but I wasn’t prepared to wait on what I considered small upgrades. I had planned to freshen up with new rugs, curtains, and coats of paint. But I quickly realized we didn’t have the funds to make those purchases right away. Unless they’re brand-new, plan that most homes will need work in the short and long term. 03. IT’S BEST TO WAIT ON BIG PURCHASES UNTIL AFTER YOU CLOSE.

Tiffany Garcia, a loan originator for PrimeLending, says that making new purchases for your home on credit before closing could derail buying your home. “A lot of buyers get excited during their escrow period and start finding all the great furniture deals, or the new washer and dryer, or the carpet and paint,” she says. Garcia notes that almost all lenders still conduct a credit review before the closing of a home to see if a new inquiry or new large debt shows up. A recently acquired debt can cause alarm. “If [the credit purchase] changes the debt ratios to making the file unacceptable, you can get in serious trouble trying to close,” she says. “I advise buyers never to make these purchases until the home is legally yours.” 04. DON’T BE AFRAID TO BRANCH OUT.

We began looking in two specific neighborhoods, but we weren’t seeing anything in our budget. When we looked at a nearby neighborhood we hadn’t seriously considered because we knew little about it, we realized it was a far more realistic possibility.

“Researching an area online and through conversations with a local community council, school district, chamber of commerce, clergy, neighbors, and employers can help you predict trends for an area,” Ferry notes. Sites such as Trulia and RedFin give school and safety ratings as well as how home prices have changed over the years. 05. ‘DATE’ YOUR MORTGAGE BROKERS AND REALTORS UNTIL YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONES.

Choosing the right realtor and mortgage broker can make your experience a success. Ferry recommends talking with family and friends for referrals. “It’s important to pick a real estate agent you (or others you know) trust,” she explains. “A good agent will meet with you to get a good understanding of your needs. He or she can tour homes on your behalf and recommend ‘top picks’ that would best suit your lifestyle. Your agent can also pull data on past sales to help you identify what areas and price points make the most sense for you.” It will take a little extra work, but talk with several different bankers, too. We spoke with four officers to find out our financing options. Interest rates were similar across the board. But the closing costs (fees paid at the closing of the real estate transaction) differed by more than $1,500. “When you’re buying a home, you are buying into a huge investment for your future,” Garcia explains. “You want to make sure you are working with someone that can give you their time and knows how to explain the available options and loan programs. He or she should be able to answer questions on the spot, help you make an informed decision, and make you feel confident about your decision.” Garcia explains that selecting a banker or mortgage broker is not “one size fits all.” She advises “interviewing” this person and researching the institution they work for. We chose a banker whose closing costs were slightly higher than our other options. But in our interactions, we felt confident he would take care of everything with speed, diligence, and professionalism.

After looking on and off for eight months, we finally found a home that we loved. Our realtor was easy to get in touch with, understood our goals, and tirelessly advocated for us. After the home inspection, she helped us get the best deal by negotiating with the seller before signing. She helped us write an offer that was polite, fair, and informed. She also negotiated repairs and upgrades before move-in. 07. YOU SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

Buying a home isn’t for everyone. Be honest about whether it’s viable for your lifestyle and finances. When we first started looking, we were only halfway through our first year of marriage. We weren’t ready for the financial and lifestyle obligations. We were saving for a trip and in the middle of meeting our savings goals. The thought of buying a home produced anxiety and fear versus confidence and joy. But, when the right time came, I knew in my gut that we were ready. We had counted the lifestyle and financial costs. When we toured the home we now own, I could envision my life unfolding in it. We have plenty of room to host dinners and parties. The bedrooms give us room to grow our family and host our parents when they’re in town. We are a ten-minute walk from many friends and our church. Our neighborhood is diverse and thriving. You can’t buy a house just because you feel like it’s the next thing to check off your list. You can’t think, “Well, we’ll just move in and move out in a few years if it doesn’t work for us.” Buying and selling a home is a timeconsuming and expensive process. You want to make sure that your purchase aligns with your goals and vision for the future. When I look at new houses now for sale in our area, I’m very happy with the one we chose. It’s within our means and has afforded us lifestyle opportunities we didn’t have when we were renting. But we also know that we didn’t need to buy a home to be “real” adults. Home ownership is simply a tool that enables us to pursue the kind of lifestyle we want. Abigail Murrish is an agricultural writer living in Ohio.

06. TAKE YOUR TIME, AND BE PICKY.

“The biggest mistake I see first-time home buyers making is moving too quickly. I recommend having your agent show you at least twenty properties,” Ferry says. “For most buyers, this means starting the search earlier than anticipated. Going to open houses and talking to your community can help you know where you want to invest. The best way to know whether you’ve found a ‘winner’ is to get a good feel for a variety of homes.”

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P HOTOGRA P H Y BY SA N DA PAGA IM O

THE PERFECT WHITE CHOCOLATE ORANGE COOKIE RECIPE

MAJA’S ORANGE AND WHITE CHOCOLATE COOKIES

makes about 2 dozen cookies

INGREDIENTS

5 Tablespoons butter 5 Tablespoons sugar

Take some time out to bake with (or for) a loved one.

zest of 1 orange 2 cups flour 1 teaspoon baking powder 100g white chocolate

BY SAN DA PAG A IMO

1 egg optional: icing sugar

Maja is a very good friend of mine, someone I’ve known almost all my life. Maybe you have a friend like this, too. She is part of a lot of my memories—happy ones and sad ones. We can spend hours together without speaking a word. We think the same way. We love the same things. Except now we live more than 1,000 miles apart. We speak from time to time, exchange letters, and see each other when I go back home. In the way of long-distance friendships, it’s difficult always to be there for each other, and I must admit that, with time, we have grown apart. But the thing that always makes me feel close to her is baking these cookies. Maja gave me the recipe some time ago, and whenever I make them, I am instantly transported to the times we ate them together—laughing, reminiscing, and talking for hours. This winter, make these cookies to share with a friend. Put on a pot of tea, cozy up next to the fireplace, and just enjoy.

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DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Put the butter, sugar, juice, zest of orange, and chocolate in a bowl and melt it in a bain-marie. (Create a bain-marie by placing a metal or glass bowl over a pot of boiling water, ensuring that the bottom of the bowl does not touch the water.)

In another bowl, mix flour and baking powder.

When the chocolate mix is ready, gently add the egg and fold in the dry ingredients. If mix is still sticky, add a bit more flour.

Make small balls with your hands. Place on a baking sheet and gently press them. Bake for 10-12 minutes. (They have to stay white; don’t let them change color!)

If you like, sprinkle some icing sugar over the cookies and then they’re ready to serve!

MAKE THE MOST OF FROSTY DAYS WITH THESE WINTER COCKTAILS Combat winter chills with killer mixology skills. BY FAY E SC HA E F F E R

The holiday season has come and gone, but my taste for winter cocktails is here for several more months! A glass of wine or bourbon (neat with a dash of bitters) are my usual go-tos, but sometimes it’s fun to jazz things up a bit, even just for myself and my roomies. A lot of winter cocktails tend to the creamy and/or sweet side of things (White Russians, Irish Coffees, Mudslides, Moscow Mules, etc). But if you want something a little stronger and fresher to combat the low temperatures, here are a few of my favorites. All are classics, but with little twists that make them more special—and all are easy to make yourself!

P H OTOGRA P H Y BY M E L ISSA M IL IS

THE HOT TODDY

THE OLD FASHIONED

THE FRENCH 75

This classic winter cocktail usually involves tea and honey. But this variation gives you a hearty dose of vitamin C; think of it as the perfect antidote to yet another winter flu.

Another classic. There are several different variations of this cocktail—none of them too difficult, but some better than others. This “PreProhibition Old Fashioned” omits the muddled fruit that, while delicious in the Hot Toddy, to my mind, clogs up this cocktail.

If you’re looking for something a little fancier (think etched-glass coupes and cocktail dresses!) or just for something a little lighter, this is a great winter alternative to the whiskey-heavy menus you’ll find around town.

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

1 ½ oz Bourbon whiskey ½ lemon 1 orange ½ Teaspoon (+/-) fresh grated ginger 1-2 teaspoons honey ¼-½ cup water Dash of cloves, nutmeg, cayenne DIRECTIONS

Juice the citrus into a small pot. I like mine pretty pulpy, so don’t be afraid to let some bigger chunks of the fruit fall in. You can break them up later, and it makes the drink nice and thick! Combine all the ingredients in the pot and season to taste. Add more or less water to dilute to your taste; I like mine heavy on the citrus, so I use ¼ cup of water. Heat to preference. You can omit the cayenne if you’re not a fan of spice; the ginger gives it a bit of a zing on its own. Serve in your favorite 6-8 oz mugs and cuddle up for a long winter’s night!

2 oz rye whiskey

2 oz Champagne or sparkling wine (the

1 oz simple syrup* OR 1 sugar cube

drier, the better)

2-3 dashes of bitters

1 ½ oz gin

Orange twist

1 ½ Tablespoons fresh lemon juice

DIRECTIONS

Since this is such a simple drink, it’s the perfect opportunity to bring out your best whiskey. If you use simple syrup, you can shake the ingredients in a cocktail shaker with plenty of ice before pouring into a rocks glass. If you use a sugar cube, muddle the sugar and the bitters in the rocks glass before adding the whiskey. Varying the kind of bitters you use will give this cocktail a different flavor. Aromatic bitters are a classic, but you can use orange bitters to give this drink a stronger citrus taste. While there are more and less expensive brands, the most widely used is Angostura; you can’t go wrong with them, and they’re available almost everywhere. Serve in a rocks glass over ice. (I suggest using a large cube or two, an ice ball, or ice stones. Smaller pieces of ice—say, from your average ice maker or ice tray—will melt quickly and dilute the drink.)

1 Tablespoon simple syrup* DIRECTIONS

Combine the gin, lemon juice, and simple syrup in a cocktail shaker with plenty of ice. After a good shake, pour the contents sans ice into a coupe or cocktail glass, and then add the champagne (make sure it’s chilled!). This drink is strong but light, the perfect concoction for an icy night! * Simple syrup is easy to find in any cocktail aisle, but you can also make it. Using equal parts sugar and water, combine them in a pot over low heat, or can put it in the microwave in a tupperware and then and shake it up to fully dissolve the sugar into the boiling water.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

P HOTOGR A P H Y BY H E RN A N D E Z & S OROKIN A

AN INFERTILITY TREATMENT THAT MAY WORK WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK HINT: It’s not IVF. BY GRAC E E MI LY STARK

Fertility rates are dropping all over the world, and more American couples are seeking out assisted reproductive technology (ART) than ever before. According to the New York Times, 1 in 65 American babies is now born after some kind of fertility treatment, and with each passing year, more companies are specifically offering some type of in vitro fertilization (IVF) coverage in their

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • WINT E R 2024

health plans. But with all of the fervor—and money—that goes into combating infertility with IVF, just how effective is it, and are there any better options available to women? Natural Procreative Technology (NaPro) doctors would say that not only are there more effective treatments aimed at addressing the root causes of infertility, but also that these

treatments are more accessible to the average couple because of its significantly cheaper costs. SO, JUST HOW EFFECTIVE IS IVF?

What percentage of IVF procedures, on average, end in pregnancy? The answer is that about 27 percent of all single IVF cycles lead to pregnancy, and a slightly lower percentage than

LIFESTYLE

that lead to a live birth. According to the CDC’s 2016 report (the most recent data available) on national assisted reproductive technology statistics, “About 27% of cycles using fresh embryos from fresh nondonor eggs that were started in 2016 resulted in clinical pregnancy . . . approximately 81% of the pregnancies resulting from ART cycles using fresh embryos from fresh nondonor eggs in 2016 produced a live birth, [and] about 18% of pregnancies resulted in miscarriage, stillbirth, induced abortion, or maternal death prior to birth.” Are you surprised that IVF’s success rate is not higher? If so, you’re not alone. Study after study has shown that misconceptions and myths abound among successful careerists, OB/GYN residents, and college students alike regarding the length of a woman’s fertile window, and how successful IVF really is (and they are misconceptions shared by both men and women). When polled about these subjects, each of these groups tends to grossly overestimate both the success rates of IVF and the length of the female “window” of fertility (believing that it easily extends into one’s forties and fifties—it doesn’t). The United Kingdom’s leading fertility expert, Professor Robert Winston, laments that “the reality is, people are being sucked into IVF without a full recognition of exactly how low the success rate is.” What about costs? We all know that IVF is expensive, but just how expensive is it? A 2014 Forbes article pegs the national average cost-per-cycle at $12,000 before drugs, which cost another $3,000 to $5,000. Add in other features like pre-implantation genetic diagnosis to screen out inheritable diseases, and Forbes says you’re looking at about $20,000 per cycle—with the warning that that’s probably a conservative estimate (although clinics will sometimes implement discounted rates for additional cycles). Considering that the “rule of thumb” seems to be that it takes about three IVF cycles on average for a successful pregnancy to occur and that many of the costs associated with IVF are paid for out of pocket (often with at least some portion being placed on credit cards), it’s little wonder that the desperate quest for a baby sends many couples spiraling into debt. The high price of IVF makes it an inaccessible solution to infertility for many—if not most—American couples. With the burden of college debt and the reality of stagnant wages, most people are simply not in any position to gamble tens of thousands of dollars on the 1-in-3 odds promised by IVF—and yet, they do, out of gutwrenching desperation to have a biological child of their own. To make matters worse, even if a couple is able to conceive with IVF, babies conceived via IVF face increased risk for a whole host of issues, including premature birth, low birth weight, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, and blood cancer.

So, is there a better way forward for couples struggling with the very real burden of infertility? LET’S CONTRAST IVF’S ODDS WITH THOSE OF NAPROTECHNOLOGY.

First, the philosophy behind NaPro is not to manufacture a pregnancy by outside means, but rather to correct underlying conditions that may be preventing pregnancy from

STUDY AFTER STUDY HAS SHOWN THAT MISCONCEPTIONS AND MYTHS ABOUND AMONG SUCCESSFUL CAREERISTS, OB/ GYN RESIDENTS, AND COLLEGE STUDENTS ALIKE REGARDING THE LENGTH OF A WOMAN’S FERTILE WINDOW, AND HOW SUCCESSFUL IVF REALLY IS (AND THEY ARE MISCONCEPTIONS SHARED BY BOTH MEN AND WOMEN). occurring naturally, like polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) or endometriosis. The idea is that infertility is actually a symptom of a larger problem, and once that larger problem has been discovered and corrected, the couple is better equipped to produce a child the good old fashioned way. In addition to successfully treating PCOS and endometriosis, NaPro doctors have had success in treating infertility due to occluded fallopian tubes

and anovulation, and they have had success in helping couples conceive even with malefactor infertility issues, such as low sperm count. Since NaPro studies are often small in scale, it can be somewhat difficult to compare NaPro study results directly to IVF study results. After all, in the United States alone, there are nearly 500 fertility clinics, while there are only about 100 certified NaPro doctors. But data from small-scale clinical trials, NaPro clinics/ practices, and the Pope Paul VI Institute (the research facility that developed, and continues to develop and teach, NaProTechnology), indicates that NaPro can yield real results for couples desperate for a baby, with success rates that far outpace those of IVF—sometimes doubling or even tripling the success rates of IVF, depending on the cause of infertility. According to one of the largest-scale studies done on the efficacy of NaPro Technology, more than 60 percent of NaPro patients were pregnant within two years of beginning treatment, and 70 percent were pregnant within three years of treatment. Other, smaller studies have seen similar results. An article from the American Medical Association Journal of Ethics concludes that “although achieving a live birth with NPT may take longer, it has a greater chance of occurring than with IVF.” NaPro is significantly less expensive than IVF, too, and some NaPro services may even be covered by insurance, since they often treat specific medical conditions (like endometriosis and PCOS), which are often also the root causes of infertility. Some NaPro infertility patients may not even require surgical procedures to treat their infertility—which makes the costs of NaPro significantly cheaper than the costs of IVF— but even for those who do require surgical NaPro procedures, doctor and hospital fees are likely still less than the cost of a single round of IVF (and again, may also have a better chance of being covered by insurance than IVF procedures). Of course, just like IVF, NaPro is not a “silver bullet” solution for every couple experiencing every single (or multiple) causes of infertility. But given the success rates of NaPro with treating many of the most common causes of infertility, and its significantly lower costs compared to IVF, those are odds I would (and did!) take, when faced with the emotional and physical burden of infertility. Grace Emily Stark is a fertility educator and editor of Natural Womanhood, where couples can find resources on restorative reproductive medicine.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

HOW TO MAKE VISITORS FEEL WELCOME IN YOUR HOME Hosting tips to put your guests at ease from an etiquette expert BY MARI AH GRU ME T

What is a host’s most important duty? It’s not creating the perfect tablescape. It’s not preparing the most elaborate dishes. It’s simply ensuring that guests leave feeling better than they did when they first arrived. It’s prioritizing guests’ comfort and ease while they are in the hosts’ home. The art of hosting and proper etiquette go hand in hand. When you look at what etiquette truly is, at its heart, it is all about putting others’ needs before your own and always leading with kindness and respect. Etiquette is not there to make things, including hosting, complicated or fancy; rather, it provides a set of guidelines for showing your guests how much you care. As an etiquette trainer, I have identified specific ways that you can put your best foot forward to ensure your guests feel at home in your home. PH OTOGR AP HY BY TATJANA ZLATKOVI C

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

LIFESTYLE

SEND AN OFFICIAL INVITATION When it comes to gracious hosting, sending an invitation is the ideal place to start. Now, the invitation need not be overlyinvolved, but it should match the formality of your event. Are you having a formal cocktail party? Perhaps a mailed invitation is best. Are you having a more casual open-house style gathering? A digital invitation will suffice! The main purpose of the invitation is to clearly communicate necessary information to your guests. Putting your guests at ease means they do not have to guess about anything. Your invitation will provide the time, location, dress code if applicable, and so on—in other words, anything they need to know to enjoy the event. This is also the ideal time to ask your guests if they have any allergies or dietary restrictions.

GREET EACH GUEST AT THE DOOR It is important that you, as the host, greet each guest individually at the door. Offer to take their belongings, show them where the restroom is if it is their first time visiting your home, and most importantly, introduce them to other guests they may not know to help get the conversation started. In addition to helping put your guests at ease, but it will free up your time so you can tend to your responsibilities, and greet additional guests.

PUT TOGETHER A WELCOME STATION Be sure to have some food and beverages easily accessible when your guests arrive. Having a mocktail or alcohol-free option is important for guests who choose not to or cannot drink alcohol.

PREPARE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN IN ADVANCE

SET THE TABLE WITH ITEMS THAT YOUR GUESTS WILL NEED One of the most common mistakes I see when it comes to setting the table is setting it with too many pieces. Your table settings should match exactly what you are serving. Setting extra utensils at each place will not help put your guests at ease!

PREPARE FOR OVERNIGHT GUESTS I recommend two primary things when it comes to that extra step of preparation for your overnight guests. The first is to create a small basket in the room they will be staying in filled with things that may need such as towels, extra blankets, the wifi information, bathroom supplies, and the like. The second one is to create a makeshift breakfast bar before bed in case your guests wake up before you do. The bar can include a fruit basket, a jar of granola, easily accessible coffee with accompaniments, etc.

Remember, when considering ettiquette guidelines, it truly is all about the “why” behind each recommendation. I urge you to take the striving for perfection out of hosting, and replace it with a striving to create a generous, welcoming, and thoughtful environment for the people you care for the most.

Mariah Grumet is a certified etiquette trainer at Old Soul Etiquette, where her mission is to bring an intentional sparkle back to a lost art. Her method of teaching puts a modern and approachable twist on timeless lessons of etiquette, manners, and respect, to help her clients create stronger connections, distinguish themselves.

A great host is a present host. Your guests want to spend time with you! While it is nearly impossible to get everything done before they arrive, try your best to get as much as possible done in advance. This mentality includes the cleanup process, too. Save the big cleaning job for after your guests have left.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

THE JOY OF SLOW DECORATING Intentionality takes time. BY ST E V I E STORC K

P H OTOG RA P H Y BY BRA DY PA PPAS

In the spring of 2015, I was two years out of interior design school, newly married, and the new owner of a 100-yearold house in small-town Pennsylvania. The house was a fixer-upper for sure, but for what it lacked in polish and charm, it made up for in space (four beds, two baths) and potential. Buying our first home was the realization of a lifelong dream. I had been thinking about how I’d decorate a house since childhood, watching Trading Spaces reruns after school and perpetually rearranging my bedroom. I worked hard to become a professional interior designer and was eager to put my skills to use in our own house. I quickly realized I would need to adjust my expectations. On our entry-level salaries, I simply could not afford the type of high-end interiors I spent my days designing for clients. We were starting from scratch with a limited budget and just a few pieces of furniture to move from our previous apartment. It was a bit overwhelming! My tendency toward perfectionism and the conventional design process I was taught to follow left me feeling constrained, and seeing what other designers were doing on social media only made matters worse. I had to rethink my whole mindset around home design and find a new approach that worked for my actual life. Through this struggle, I discovered the concept of slow decorating.

V E R ILY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

A REALISTIC PACE

Television and social media make it seem like decorating a new home should be a quick and easy process. There is no shortage of online content showing off impressive “before and after” photos, offering guidance and shopping links for “refreshing” your home furnishings and decor. This creates the impression that it’s normal to take on large-scale

home renovations and constantly buy new things to keep up with decor trends. However, what is often not disclosed is the amount of time, energy, and decisionmaking that it takes to design a house from top to bottom, the sums of money required to afford quality materials and furnishings (let alone labor!), and the fact that many of the beautiful homes you see online are financed through either gifted products, inherited wealth, or consumer debt. It requires tremendous time, effort, money, and often a team of professionals to make these transformations possible. For most of us, this type of decorating is not realistic. Furnishing a home requires careful thought, planning, and significant expense. The average person can neither afford to decorate their home all at once nor redo their decor every couple of years to keep up with the latest trends. It’s important to understand that this sense of urgency, comparison, and stress we often feel about our homes is is a deliberate byproduct of decades of marketing and consumerism. The good news is that this means we have a choice. We can decide whether we want to be influenced into dissatisfaction and make pressured purchasing decisions or explore a more reasonable approach. A SUSTAINABLE SPEED

Slow decorating is a branch of the slow living movement, which emerged in response to the increasingly fast pace of Western life and the rise of consumerism of the late 20th century. The “slow” mindset encourages individuals to create a more intentional life that aligns with their core values and consumer practices that prioritize mental health, ethical labor standards, and environmental sustainability. This ethos applies to all areas of modern life, with the concepts of slow fashion and slow food growing

LIFESTYLE

to hold significant influence in recent years. Slow decorating means using this philosophy to design our homes with intention. Decorating your home in a way that reflects your personal style and meets your daily needs takes time. The slow decorating method starts with creating a clear vision for your space and then crafting a plan that can be implemented in stages, or gradually over time. This approach works with practical time and money constraints, allowing you to pace big purchases and incorporate secondhand finds to mindfully collect a home full of furnishings you truly love. Slow decorating simplifies decision-making, reduces frustration, and makes it easier to feel content as you slowly work toward achieving your decorating goals. After living in our home for nearly nine years, I can attest to the value of taking a slow and deliberate approach to decorating. While other life events have taken precedence over major renovations, we have still made considerable headway in improving our space over time. Our home is not “finished,” but it is cozy, collected, and uniquely ours. I feel content and unhurried when it comes to the projects left on my to-do list. With two young children, our life is very full. Our house is doing its job of supporting our daily lives beautifully; the rest will get done when it gets done. While I initially gravitated toward this concept as a creative solution for making the most of a small budget, slow decorating is now the only way I would ever want to design a home. The more time and effort you invest in something, the better the outcome will be. Decorating your home is no different. With time and dedication, you can create a home that is beautiful, functional, meaningful, and personal to you. Here are my tips for getting started. DISCOVER YOUR STYLE

Designing a home you’ll love for years starts with a deep understanding of your style preferences. Before you go looking for inspiration online, first look within. Ask yourself: what do you find beautiful, what makes you feel at home, and what have you always loved? Think beyond interiors to find inspiration in art, nature, or even your wardrobe. Make a list of words that describe the feeling or mood you’d like to create

in your home. Then use Pinterest to search for inspiration using these keywords, saving your favorites onto a board of reference photos, mixing styles freely to represent a look that is unique to you.

that better fits your needs. Whether your budget is big or small, try to avoid getting caught up in buying small decorative items before you have the large-scale furniture pieces in place. PLAN WELL, SHOP SMART

CREATE A COLOR & MATERIALS PALETTE

Next, refine your vision by creating a wholehome design palette that will guide your decisions as you plan your home decorating. I recommend choosing just 3–5 colors, 1–2 metallic finishes, and 1–2 wood tones to start. These will be used for walls, furniture, textiles, fixtures, hardware, and accents throughout your home. Use free graphic-design software like Canva to pull all of the parts of your palette together into one graphic you can have on hand. This approach simplifies the design and shopping process since you can quickly determine if a piece fits into your overall design plan. Keeping

It’s always worth it to put your design on paper before making any big purchases for your room. This simple step can save you a lot of time and effort in the long run, ensuring that everything you buy will fit perfectly and look great in your space. Draw your space on graph paper to determine the best placement for furniture. Be sure to account for details such as the necessary space to open doors and drawers, manuever dining chairs, and so on. With your measurements in hand, research options that fit your size, style, and budget requirements. A good way to save money on big-ticket items is to plan ahead and wait for sales. Choosing the highest quality option within your budget can be a wise decision, as it ensures durability over time. Shopping secondhand or vintage can offer better quality furniture at a more affordable price. CREATE YOUR FOCAL VIGNETTE

the palette limited at the beginning will help to train your eye, but feel free to expand your palette as you go, especially if you prefer a more eclectic or maximal look. PRIORITIZE BIG PIECES FIRST

Slow decorating is really a practice in prioritization. Start by focusing on the basic furniture items that will make your home functional and comfortable. If you are starting from scratch, this will usually be a bed to sleep on, a dining table to eat on, a dresser to store your clothing, and a sofa for relaxing. If not, make the task more manageable by focusing on one room at a time. Experiment with the items you already own, try them out in various rooms and consider whether new paint, fabric, or hardware would help to achieve your desired aesthetic. Alternatively, you can sell unwanted furniture and put the money toward something

Next, establish the focal point of your room with these key elements: your main furniture item, paint color, area rug, window treatments, and one statement decor item (for example, art for the wall behind your sofa or a striking light fixture to hang above your dining table). Utilize your Pinterest board and palette of colors and materials to choose pieces that harmonize and complement each other. Using Pinterest or free graphic design software like Canva can be incredibly helpful in previewing the items together so you can make your final selections with confidence. With your focal vignette in place, your room will instantly feel more polished and put together. This will give you the motivation you need to keep working on the project and help you determine what accent furniture, lighting, and decor are needed to complete the room. Slow decorating is not a revolutionary approach, or at least it shouldn’t be. Our living spaces, like ourselves, are in a continual state of evolution. Let’s embrace this fact, release the stress of keeping up, and reclaim some joy in the process of making our houses into homes. Stevie Storck is a writer, designer, hobby gardener, and women’s group facilitator living in Pennsylvania. VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

P H OTOGRA P H Y BY STUD IO F IRM A

DO STEP REPS ON THESE 7 STAIRS OR A STOOL. AT-HOME WORKOUTS CAN REPLACE YOUR FULLBODY GYM DO ABS WITH ANY WEIGHTED ITEM YOU ROUTINE CAN SAFELY AND 01. INSTEAD OF A STAIR CLIMBER,

To replicate the total-body-sculpting effects of the stair climber, just find some steps. You don’t even need a full set of stairs because a simple step stool can do the trick. Personal trainer Popy Niosi recommends fast thirty- to sixty-second reps of an up-updown-down routine. First, set your timer. Then, “with upright posture, bracing abdominals, straight back, shoulders rolled back, step up left, step up right (on the same step level) then down left and down right,” Niosi says. After each round, switch your start foot and repeat the steps.

02. INSTEAD OF MEDICINE BALL AB TWISTS,

Gym-less days shouldn’t mean fitness-less days. BY C HR ISTIN E WA R NER

Whether you’re traveling for work, vacationing, or just trying to cut back your costs, there are plenty of ways to exercise without bulky equipment or monthly gym memberships. All you need is a little creativity and commitment to get the same results. And who knows? You might just end up preferring these DIY alternatives from fitness pros to your standard gym workouts.

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

COMFORTABLY GRASP. Medicine balls and kettlebells are common gym accessories for core exercises such as twists, crunches, planks, and diagonal lifts. For at-home or hotel-room workouts, choose any weighted item available like soup cans, books, your bag, or even clean containers filled with liquid. Certified personal trainer and new owner of New York Personal Training Rui Li tells us, “I personally like gallon jugs of soap, vinegar, water, etc. They have convenient handles and are fairly challenging loads. Boxes that aren’t too wide and have convenient places for your hands can work too, and it is much easier to adjust the load inside.”

LIFESTYLE

03. INSTEAD OF THE TREADMILL,

06. INSTEAD OF DUMBBELL CHEST PRESSES,

DO FAST INTERVALS OR LIGHT RUNS OUTSIDE.

DO PUSH-UPS ON VARYING INCLINES.

It may seem obvious, but don’t forget about the great outdoors. Weather permitting, throw on a reflective running outfit and sneakers and take this workout outside. You can track your distance, heart rate, and other stats with a fitness app. Erika Lee, conditioning coach and Elite Team Manager at 2XU, says, “I regularly encourage my clients to get outside in the fresh air—something that research has repeatedly shown to provide additional benefits over exercising indoors, including increased feelings of vitality and energy, decreases in tension and depression, and greater enjoyment and satisfaction.” Here are our tips on how to start a walking or running routine.

By leaning against walls, furniture, railings, or benches with different heights and inclines, you can do incline and decline pushups that work various arm muscles, similar to doing dumbbell or machine chest presses at the gym. With your hands on the edge of a bed, do incline push-ups, then switch to put your feet on the bed and hands on the floor for decline push-ups. Throw in a stability ball for good measure. Co-founder of bodyweight training store Urban Strength, Jason Debel advises a routine of both traditional and one-handed push-ups as an extra challenge, if you can safely swing it. “Step it up by holding one hand behind your back to use only one hand to lean your bodyweight on before swapping.” We recommend first trying these on a wall or with your knees on the ground; they’re harder than they sound.

04. INSTEAD OF ELLIPTICAL INTERVALS,

07. INSTEAD OF CABLE MACHINE CRUNCHES,

DO A RESISTANCE ROUTINE IN THE POOL.

DO MOVEMENTS WITH A HULA HOOP.

Elliptical cardio workouts are easier on your joints than pavement-pounding exercises like running. It’s tricky to copy the same full-body motions without using the machine, but you can get similar effects in water—perfect for a vacation by a pool, lake, or the beach! Health and wellness coach Jamie Logie suggests, “If you have access to it, a pool or body of water can get a similar effect as you can perform strong walking strides through the water, giving you some resistance. But the buoyancy makes it easier on your joints.”

Want a playful option for some midsection muscle work? Whip out a hula hoop instead of using a cable machine for crunches, holds, and twists. Hula hoop moves help tone your thighs, bum, stomach, and arms. Keep your core tight as you rotate your stance. Start by hula hooping standstill, then advance to more complex movements like walking and lunging. If you want to get serious about it, there are even workout hula hoops designed with varying weights to increase the resistance.

05. INSTEAD OF FREE WEIGHT ARM LIFTS,

Gym equipment and classes certainly ease decision making when it comes to choosing how to work out. But you don’t need to depend on a fancy fitness club to get a great full-body workout. Find out the best workout style for you based on your personality, and you can maintain almost any routine wherever you go.

DO STRENGTH TRAINING WITH YOUR OWN BODY WEIGHT AND A RESISTANCE BAND.

Christine Warner is a marketer and writer.

Bodyweight routines with a resistance band can be just as effective as lifting weights. Resistance bands are lightweight and travel-friendly alternatives to free weights for a variety of armtoning exercises. Rui notes, “Simply carrying two to three different levels of resistance bands can give you a full workout as long as you can find a piece of sturdy furniture or a spot outdoors to loop them onto. You can train arms, chest, back, core, glutes, and legs!” Attach a resistance band to a door inside or a tree outside to keep up your favorite free weight routines. Don’t have a resistance band? Grab a long towel instead.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

P HOTOGRA P H Y BY J E F F WASS E RM A N

V ER ILY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

LIFESTYLE

PORK TENDERLOIN WITH CHIMICHURRI, CILANTROLIME RICE, AND CORN PEPPER SAUTÉ BY LAUR A LO KER

The combination of everything in this recipe creates a beautiful plate, truly a dish that is restaurant worthy! The best part: it’s just not hard. Make the chimichurri in advance to eliminate one step from your meal prep that night. I also highly recommend investing in a good meat thermometer (I love my ThermoPop): it’s the secret to not overcooking a pork tenderloin. Paleo: Omit corn from sauté. Use cauliflower rice instead of white rice. Use ghee instead of butter.

DURATION: 60 min

DIRECTIONS:

COOK TIME: 40 min

Preheat oven to 425° F. While oven is preheating, prepare the chimichurri.

PREP TIME: 20 min SERVINGS: 4 WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

FOR THE CHIMICHURRI:

CHIMICHURRI

¼ cup hot water 2 tsp dried oregano 2 tsp kosher salt 1 1/3 cups loosely packed flat-leaf parsley leaves 2/3 cup loosely packed cilantro leaves 6 medium garlic cloves, minced ½ tsp red pepper flakes ¼ cup red wine vinegar ½ cup olive oil PORK TENDERLOIN

2. 3. 4.

Combine hot water, oregano, and salt in small bowl; let stand 5 minutes to soften oregano. Pulse parsley, cilantro, garlic, and red pepper flakes in food processor until coarsely chopped, about ten quick pulses. Add water-herb mixture and vinegar and pulse briefly to combine. Transfer mixture to medium bowl and slowly whisk in oil until incorporated and mixture is emulsified. If possible, let stand at room temperature at least 1 hour before serving.

FOR THE PORK TENDERLOIN:

Rub pork tenderloin with cumin, oregano, and salt, and transfer to a sheet pan or glass baking dish. Cook for 25-30 minutes, or until pork reaches a temperature of 145°.

1 lb pork tenderloin 1 tsp cumin 1 tsp oregano 2 tsp salt

RICE AND SAUTÉ

RICE:

1 cup white rice ½ cup cilantro, chopped juice of 1 lime 1 red bell pepper, diced 1 cup frozen corn, thawed 1 Tbsp butter 1 tsp cumin Salt & pepper

7. 8.

WHILE THE PORK IS IN THE OVEN, MAKE THE CILANTRO LIME

Cook 1 cup rice according to package instructions. Add chopped cilantro, the juice of 1 lime, and salt to cooked rice.

FOR SAUTÉ:

9. 10. 11. 12.

Heat butter in a skillet. Add red pepper, corn, cumin, salt and pepper. Cook for 5-7 minutes or until pepper is crisp-tender. Serve the pork tenderloin over rice with sauté and chimichurri poured over as desired.

VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

HATCHING A NEW PUBLISHING COMPANY

KC E N GL A N D P H OTOGRA P H Y

This author-turned-entrepreneur models the story of The Little Red Hen. BY K E L L I E KOT RAB A MOORE

Sarah Mackenzie knows what makes a good book. She’s made a living from recommending books to others through Read-Aloud Revival, her podcast and online community that has helped families fall in love with books together for nearly a decade. As a homeschooling mother of six children—three still in school and three graduates—she has spent years of her life reading aloud. She’s also the author of two non-fiction books for adults, Teaching from Rest and The ReadAloud Family. So it was no surprise that, eventually, she would write her own picture books. But she ran into challenges as she pursued publication. She had a literary agent in New York who was pitching her books to big New York publishers, to no avail. “It became clear to me that the kind of books I wanted to make—and the kind of books I knew families wanted because of my work at Read-Aloud Revival—weren’t exactly the same thing that the publishers were trying to make,”

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

Mackenzie told me via Zoom. “I could tell there was a difference in vision.” Mackenzie wanted to make timeless, beautiful books that families would want to read aloud and pass down through the generations. But publishers seemed to be more interested in more “of-the-moment stories, for just this moment in time.” Her husband kept encouraging her to create her own publishing house and publish her books herself. “I don’t know how to do that,” she would protest. She could see a good story, and she’s had training on the craft of children’s books, but the logistics of publishing—like production, fulfillment, and distribution—were totally unknown to her. “Well, that’s never stopped you before,” her husband would say. Finally, she realized she had waited for other publishers for long enough. “At one point, I had just gotten some more feedback from another publishing house in New York that was like, ‘Nobody wants this kind of book.’ And I

thought, ‘That is not true. You know what? I think we’re just going to do it ourselves.’” That was in December 2020. In January 2021, she and her husband set up an LLC and bank accounts for a brand-new boutique publishing imprint of Read-Aloud Revival: Waxwing Books, whose tagline is “Books you’ll love to read aloud.” ENTERING THE WORLD OF PUBLISHING

“When I made the decision, it was like flipping a switch,” Mackenzie said. But the publishing world moves slowly, and it would be two more years until outsiders saw all that Mackenzie and her small team had been working on—a pace that proved challenging. “I like things done yesterday,” she told me. But parenting six children has helped her learn that “things take the time they take”—including publishing books. Finally, in March 2023, the first book was released. Authored by Mackenzie and illustrated

LIFESTYLE

by Breezy Brookshire, A Little More Beautiful: The Story of a Garden tells the story of a woman who is “determined to leave each day a little more beautiful than she found it,” and the little girl who sets out to carry on that work when the woman moves away. In October, Waxwing released a second book, While Everyone is Sleeping, a bedtime story authored by Mackenzie and illustrated by Gabrielle Grimard. Eight more books are locked in for release between now and 2027, including several written by authors other than Mackenzie— something she didn’t have a vision for when she started the company, but that she’s excited about. She also didn’t anticipate how much she would enjoy her role as publisher. As the head of the company, that person has to oversee the logistics of production, manufacturing, and fulfillment, along with all the editorial creative pieces, like hiring art directors and editors. Once she got started, she felt like she was “made for this role.” It was validation that she had stepped into the right spot. She realized, “This is fun, even when it’s not my own book. I think that makes me an actual publisher!” FACING THE CHALLENGES

you actually don’t know what you’re doing, you just have to figure it out—then a lot of people are generous with their knowledge, and their skills,” she said. “And so I feel like my biggest lesson learned since starting Waxwing is that most things are figureoutable.” There will always be something new to figure out. “Entrepreneurship is like the rest of life in that it really is just one complicated problem after another,” Mackenzie said. “And so the goal is not to get rid of the problems. The goal is to figure out which problem you want to solve. That’s true with parenting, too. That’s true with motherhood.”

The other thing that helps her is zooming out to get a big-picture perspective. “I don’t know that most weeks, my life is very balanced between work and homeschooling,” she said. “But over a year, I feel like it kind of balances.” For instance, March is usually a heavy work month because Mackenzie speaks at homeschool conferences around the U.S. But in other months, like December, the opposite is true. She also gets a lot of support from her husband: “My husband is really helpful, and I never want to fail to mention that, because I feel like when we see successful women, we feel like ‘Why can’t I get my act together like she does?’ And in truth, most women who are doing a lot of things have support in one way or another, whether it’s a supportive husband who makes dinner every night like mine, or whether you have a house cleaner, or whether you have a nanny, or whatever—there’s usually some kind of help coming in somewhere.” “And there’s always a trade-off. I can almost guarantee my house is messier than yours—whoever is reading this article,” she said, laughing. “I’m pretty sure that’s probably true.”

MACKENZIE WANTED TO MAKE TIMELESS, BEAUTIFUL BOOKS THAT FAMILIES WOULD WANT TO READ ALOUD AND PASS DOWN THROUGH THE GENERATIONS. BUT PUBLISHERS SEEMED TO BE MORE INTERESTED IN STORIES FOR JUST THIS MOMENT IN TIME.”

Waxwing has had some external challenges, like being unable to sign an illustrator who’s priced beyond their budget, or trying to work with a certain distributor and realizing it wasn’t going to work. But the hardest thing to figure out has been impostor syndrome. “It’s gotten very loud and very intense for me as I’ve stepped into the publisher role,” Mackenzie said. “That voice in my head that says, ‘Who do you think you are? You don’t know what you’re doing. How are you going to figure this out?’” “The truth is, in a lot of cases, I actually don’t know what I’m doing,” she said. “So it’s not just, like, a fake voice that’s saying, ‘You don’t know what you’re doing.’ It’s actually accurate.” She quoted Madeleine L’Engle, who said, “Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.” That quote reminds Mackenzie of how, when impostor syndrome gets noisy and she does something anyway, there’s a record of it for the next time. She also keeps reminding herself that everything we do in life, we didn’t come out of the womb knowing how to do—we had to learn it. “If you’re willing to take some risks and make some mistakes, and embarrass yourself a little bit, and contend with impostor syndrome, and the fact that you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing—and

BALANCE AS A CONSTANT ADJUSTMENT

As a homeschooling mother, publisher, podcast host, author, and speaker, Mackenzie has a lot on her metaphorical plate. I asked her—as a homeschooling mother who also works part-time myself— how she balances it all. The first thing that comes to mind whenever she hears “balance” comes from her friend Mystie Winckler, author of The Convivial Homeschool: Balance is sort of like riding a bike. “When you balance on a bike, it’s not a static thing. We kind of think of it as a static thing—like once you’re in balance, everything will be equal,” Mackenzie said. “But when you’re on a bike . . . you’re constantly making little adjustments in your weight and your direction to stay on balance. And so just like that in our lives, you’re ‘in balance’ when you’re just kind of constantly making adjustments.”

OWNING OUR SUCCESSES

She’s also gotten better at owning her success. In the past, when people would ask her about Read-Aloud Revival, would start the story, then say something like, “And then, ReadAloud Revival just took off on a life of its own.” “Especially in the circles I ran in . . . I couldn’t really say, ‘I’m an ambitious, driven woman,’ because that doesn’t really go well,” she told me. “That’s not really well-received by everybody, so I wouldn’t even really own up to it myself.” She’d say things like, “Oh, my business just got successful on its own. Isn’t that crazy?! And I’m just lucky here, standing at the head of it.” Her husband called her out—that narrative wasn’t true. She was ambitious, and she had put in a lot of work to make her business thrive. “I feel like we’re getting better about telling the truth,” she said. “That actually, I can be an ambitious, driven woman and a really engaged mom. It may not look the same as it does for other people; it doesn’t look in balance all the time . . . but this is the way I was made. I feel like we are getting better at that, culturally.” Kellie Kotraba Moore is Verily’s web managing editor.

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P H OTOGRA P H Y BY STUD IO F IRM A

FEELING THE WINTER BLUES? THESE EASY CHANGES COULD MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE January and February are the toughest months—but these tips will help get you through. BY J U L I A HO G A N , LC P C

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It’s officially been winter for a while, which means it’s prime time for the dreaded seasonal slump to set in. Blustery days may no longer seem as magical. And if you’ve gotten caught in Snowmageddon-type weather, you probably feel like a prisoner in your own home. I can empathize. Cold weather and darker evenings make going out seem more like a burden than fun. Before we know it, we feel a little down, hibernation-level sleepy, and lethargic. Dark evenings, cold weather, and spending more time indoors can all factor into developing the winter blues or its more serious and clinically diagnosable counterpart, Seasonal Affective Disorder. The winter blues affect about 10 to 20 percent of the population, and SAD can affect about 5 percent of the population, according to Villanova University. Three out of four individuals affected by SAD are women, and it typically occurs in individuals between the ages of 18 and 30, Mental Health America reports. The reasons behind the winter blues and SAD are still unclear, but some researchers believe that reduced sunlight is linked to our circadian rhythm being out of sync and to increased levels of melatonin, a hormone known to cause symptoms of depression. Research is still being conducted to better understand the winter blues and why they affect some people but not others. For example, studies show that incidences of SAD in notoriously cooler Iceland are low when compared to populations across the United States. The winter blues don’t have to be quite so gloomy. Take it from a mental health professional: Easy changes to your daily routine can help you conquer the midwinter slump.

01. GET MOVING. We keep saying this, but exercise truly is a key component in boosting your mood. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America reports that physically active people are 25 percent less likely to develop depression because it increases alertness while reducing fatigue, elevating mood, and improving sleep. Experts recommend about 75 to 150 minutes of exercise a week, depending on the intensity of your exercise. Challenge yourself to find creative ways to work exercise into your day. Rise earlier to incorporate it into your morning routine. Invite friends over to try a new workout video. Learn a new winter sport such as skiing, or bundle up for a brisk walk with a steaming thermos of coffee or your favorite hot beverage. Don’t let the cold weather be an excuse to keep you from braving the outdoors and reaping the immediate health benefits of exercise.

LIFESTYLE

02. INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

05. SEEK OUT VITAMIN D.

When you’re experiencing the winter blues, hibernating under the covers sounds better than braving the cold to see friends and family. Yet that might be just what you need to help you feel less gloomy. The American Psychological Association recommends spending time with friends and family as an important component of reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation that can come with the winter blues. Set regular coffee or exercise dates with others to force yourself to stay active and busy. And just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate. Cohost a gathering with friends to give everyone a reason to come together and fight the melancholy as a united front.

The Wall Street Journal reports that there have been some studies, including one conducted at Johns Hopkins University, linking consumption of vitamin D to a reduction in SAD symptoms. Michael Gloth, the researcher who conducted the survey, Michael Gloth, recommends 4,000 IUs of vitamin D-3 daily. Talk to your doctor about having your vitamin D levels tested to find out if you are deficient; she can recommend the correct dosage tailored to your needs. Vitamin D is also easily found at your local grocery or health food store. If, like me, you always forget to take your vitamins, set a recurring reminder on your phone so that you don’t skip a day.

03. SCHEDULE THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. If traveling to a warm, sunny beach isn’t an option this winter, it doesn’t mean you can’t schedule mini-vacations, staycations, a class, or a concert to look forward to. Having upcoming events that you are excited about can help you keep your mind off yet another overcast and cold day. Research shows that mere anticipation before a vacation is enough to benefit our mental health. So if you have a trip or other exciting event planned, build up the excitement: imagine what kind of activities you will do there, look up new restaurants to try, plan your wardrobe, or create an inspirational Pinterest board to keep track of all of your ideas. What have you always wanted to try but never got around to? Now is the perfect time to put it on the books.

04. MANAGE YOUR STRESS. Any time you’re experiencing the winter blues, SAD, anxiety, or depression, managing your stress is crucial. Stress only exacerbates the symptom so try to reduce your exposure to it as much as possible. This means ensuring that you are living in a balanced way (as much as you can since life can get in the way). Eat mood-boosting foods such as vitamin D–rich salmon and eggs. Get enough sleep (or catch up on missed sleep). Give yourself enough time each morning to begin your day in a peaceful way (no rushing out of the door allowed). Take breaks to avoid burnout. Practice gratitude throughout the day, whether that’s identifying three good things to be grateful for or by appreciating the present. De-stress before you go to bed by curling up with your favorite book (studies show reading reduces stress), unwinding with one of these cozy winter cocktails, or taking a luxurious bath. Embrace whatever creature comforts melt stress away for you.

06. TRY LIGHT THERAPY. “Light therapy” has been found to be an effective treatment for the winter blues and SAD. A lightbox, which simulates highintensity sunlight, is used for about 30 minutes a day. Dr. Norman Rosenthal, who first discovered SAD, shares most people benefit best from using the light box as early as possible in the morning. It is thought to help make up for the reduced amount of sunlight in the winter and balance your circadian rhythm. Research on light therapy has found it to be more effective than a placebo and just as effective as antidepressants in less severe cases of the winter blues and SAD. Some people find that it relieves their symptoms in a few days and, for others, it might take a couple weeks. Light therapy lamps can be found online and in some stores from around $35 to over $100, depending on the model and features you are looking for. I have a light box, and I like to turn it on during particularly grey days while I answer emails. This is one case where multitasking actually works, so take advantage.

07. EMBRACE THE THINGS ONLY WINTER CAN BRING. Medicine balls and kettlebells are common gym accessories for core exercises such as twists, crunches, planks, and diagonal lifts. For at-home or hotel-room workouts, choose any weighted item available like soup cans, books, your bag, or even clean containers filled with liquid. Certified personal trainer and new owner of New York Personal Training Rui Li tells us, “I personally like gallon jugs of soap, vinegar, water, etc. They have convenient handles and are fairly challenging loads. Boxes that aren’t too wide and have convenient places for your hands can work too, and it is much easier to adjust the load inside.” Julia Hogan is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and author of A Work in Progress and It’s OK to Start with You.

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STYLE

FAUX REAL M OD E L E D BY M IL A TOR R ES ST Y L ED BY M A RY R OSE SOMARRI BA AND MI LA TORRES P HOTO G R A P HE D BY SA R AH BEI RNE

Faux leather is now commonplace. But how does one add it to their outfit without looking extra? Here are three looks that reveal understated ways to play with this affordable leather alternative.

LET’S GO BORDEAUX One way to casually rock faux leather is in a monochrome ensemble, such as with this vintage top and matching pleated skirt. BLOUSE: THR I FTED, BEACON’S CLOSET, NYC. SKI RT: KOHL’S. SHOES: NOR DSTR OM R ACK.

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STYLE

PLAIN WHITE TEE A simple faux-leather shirt can elevate a look with infinite pairing possibilities. S H I RT A N D S K IRT:: ANT H RO PO LO G IE . S H O E S : T H R I F TE D, SAVE RS .

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BACK TO BLACK For the greatest ease of matching, black leather will always be the way to go. Here, Mila pairs an oversized faux-leather jacket with a folded-over belt. Most thrift stores carry handed-down leather jackets that can be easily styled with a matching belt. S H IRT: E X P R E SS . JAC K ET, B E LT, AND B AG : KO H L’ S . PANTS : MO DE L’ S OW N. S H O E S : ST YLIST ’ S OW N.

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STYLE

WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE TALBOTS $34.50

Classic chain links and heart-shaped charms are making a ubiquitous comeback style trends this season. Dust off your timeless childhood locket or acquire one of these enduring jewelry pieces as a classic accessory to complement any outfit. With a touch of nostalgia and a timeless flair, these pieces also offer a gentle reminder of what we could be paying better attention to.

00. TARGET $39.99 ANTHROPOLOGIE $58

00. MACY’S GOLD BRACELET 00. ALTAR’D

$85

STATE $17.95

00. REDEEMED WITH PURPOSE $44 00. ALTAR’D 00. MACY’S $110.88

STATE ANTHROPOLOGIE

$19.99

$48

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WOMEN AT HOME Seven inspiring women demonstrate what it means to feel at home in one’s life and style. BY S O P HIE C A L DE COTT

For this issue we wanted to do something a little different than usual for our style spread; rather than work with models and a stylist to put together a traditional fashion photoshoot for you, we asked seven women from different locations and walks of life to reflect on the people, places, and outfits that make them feel “at home” in their bodies wardrobes, and lives. We gave these featured women freedom to choose locations and outfits that were meaningful to them and that feel authentic to the season of life they’re in right now. Rather than glamming up, they dressed in a way that helped them to feel comfortable, beautiful, and at ease. We’re honored to be given a glimpse into the lives of these ladies, and hope it inspires you to find a deeper sense of home in your own wardrobe and life, whatever circumstances you find yourself living through right now. In a culture where we’re encouraged to consume as much as possible, and we’re flooded with highly idealized images of what our homes and wardrobes should look like, we hope that seeing these inspiring, creative women exploring this theme will help you look inward for your truest sense of self and “home.” After all, home is ultimately something that money cannot buy, but rather it is something innate that we carry and nurture within us, with the help of the community around us.

“I regularly check in with myself. That way I know if the things I do and the way I live are still aligned with my values and allow me to be myself, which I think is a massive part of how at home I feel.” – Katharina

P H OTOGRAP H Y BY “ TOBE TOL D ” BY L E NA KINAST

“I chose Schöckl, the closest mountain to my childhood home, in for this photo shoot. Throughout my life I’ve been able see it from my parents’ kitchen and my bedroom. There’s something very comforting about spotting it and knowing what the weather is going to be like just by the look of it. . . . I feel most at home with my husband and our two kids. There’s nothing better than having a meal as a family or going on an adventure! ”

FEATURED WOMAN:

KATHARINA GEISSLER-EVANS Katharina Geissler-Evans is a fashion stylist, joyful living advocate, and founder and editor-in-chief of the independent publication heiter. Together with her husband Ben and their two children Julius and Clara, she currently lives in an old Austrian farmhouse.

C AR DI GA N : V I NTAGE , “ PASS E D O N TO ME BY MY GO DMOTH E R.” JACK E T: S E ST R A (GR AZ, AU ST R IA) . TO P AND J E A N S : V INTAGE , L E R AS B E RRY B E RE T ( P U Y- L’ É V Ê Q U E , F R ANCE ) . H AT: B R A MB L E GR E E N ( A N TRIM, IRE LAND) . S H O E S : B I R K E NSTO C K . G LASS E S : F E NDI, “A B R A N D T H AT ALWAYS R E MINDS ME O F MY 2 0S AND E ARLY 30 S A N D H OW P R O U D I WAS TO WO RK I N T H E LUXU RY FAS H I O N INDU ST RY B AC K T H E N .”

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P H OTOGRAP H Y BY F RANKIE LUIS GARCIA

FEATURED WOMAN:

BUCHI AKPATI

“I feel most at home in the comfort of my soft and welcoming sofa at home, covered with a cozy blanket. I enjoy the company of loved ones with whom I can watch an uplifting movie and discuss afterward. Home, for me, means a place where I can laugh, reminisce on good memories, and be with those whom I know mean well for me and who will my good. Thus, home is a place of love and acceptance. Those who will my good exude the same love which home represents for me.”

A former hermit (Carmelite nun!) with over 10 years of previous work experience as both a digital marketer and celebrity makeup artist, Buchi Akpati is a speaker, writer, and beauty professional based in northern Virginia.

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ABOUT BUC H I’S OUTF IT: “ I AM AT MY B E ST WH E N I A M WEAR I NG A M IX TURE OF FABR I CS AN D TE X TURE S . IT ADDS DEP TH TO M Y WA RD ROBE SELECTI ON A N D IT BOOSTS M Y CONFI DENCE KN OWIN G TH AT I P UT I N EXTRA WORK TO CRE ATE MY OUTFI T. I A M M OST AT P E ACE WI TH NEUTR A L TON E S , WH ITE S , BEI GES, BLACKS .”

“Striking up a candle, lighting my incense burner, deep breathing, and getting centered on where I am, the fact that I am alive, and have a lot to live for. For me, really taking time to be still transforms my feelings of alienation or thoughts of being the only one at home. Along with this, I believe in the power of prayer and connecting to my Creator.” – Buchi

F E AT U R E

“I first found Cafe Reggio in college, and it quickly became a place I felt safe, cozy, and able to rest from the world around me. My co-founder and I agreed to start Litany here, I’ve had birthday dinners here, and it’s the place I take everyone who visits. The art here, the history, and the time I’ve spent here make it feel simultaneously safe and intriguingly inspiring.” – Veronica

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“I find that I feel alienated from myself most when I’m more focused on how being myself looks from the outside instead of how it feels to be grounded and at home in myself. I’ll often go back to some things that formed that sense from within originally—being around a Montessori classroom, reading my childhood favorite books . . . I’ve also found that taking a workout class and taking a sketchbook to a museum for the afternoon are restful yet active ways to help myself feel integrated again.”

P H OTOGRAP H Y BY L AURE N DAMAS KINOS

F E AT U R E

FEATURED WOMAN:

VERONICA MARRINAN Veronica Marrinan is the co-founder and designer of Litany NYC, a contemplative clothing label based in Brooklyn. She believes that if every woman feels at home in herself the world will heal itself, and she strives to make clothing that helps the wearer articulate her unique soul.

B L AZE R A N D TO P : “ T H IS B LAZ E R RE MINDS ME O F A S K I RT MY MO M H AD W H E N I WAS L I T T L E , AND AS A LOVE R O F FAS H IO N H I STO RY, I’ M A B IG FAN O F ANYT H ING R E S E MB L ING A 1 9 0 0 S LACE S H IRT WAIST.” PANTS : L I TA N Y NYC ; “I DE S IG NE D T H E S E PANTS AS PART O F OU R H O LY FAMILY CO L L E C T IO N A N D T HE Y FE E L S O COZ Y AND WAR M W H IL E ST I L L M AK ING ME FE E L PU T TO GE T H E R A N D R E A DY TO TAK E O N T H E DAY.” S H O E S : “ T H E S E MARY JANE S ARE A F U N T H R O U GH - L INE IN MY ST YLE .” VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

P H OTOGRAP H Y BY KATH E RINE MARKE WICH

FEATURED WOMAN:

REBEKAH MARKEWICH Rebekah Markewich lives in Upstate New York with her husband and two kids. She is a content creator on Instagram where she shares fashion, fantasy, and historically inspired costumes, literary humor, and a lot of crafting projects.

V E R ILY MAGAZI NE • W INT E R 2024

“Sometimes I feel like I am not being authentic with myself. That can very easy to do, especially with the influence of social media. One of the ways that I can always find myself again is to simply go outside and immerse myself in nature. When I am spending time with flowers and trees, I always feel my truest self. . . . I have a lot of linen dresses and skirts that I love and wear quite often, but not every day. That is the wonderful thing about clothes—you can always change them.”

ABOUT R EBEKA H ’S OUTF IT: “ TH E CLOTHES I CH OS E TO WE A R AR E GENER AL LY A RE F L E CTION OF HOW I FEEL . I H AV E H A D A VERY DI FFI CULT Y E A R A N D HAVE FOUND M YS E L F M OSTLY WEAR I NG R I P P E D J E A N S —TH E MOR E R I P S TH E BE TTE R. N OW THAT I T I S CO L D, I N E A RLY ALWAYS ADD A COZ Y CAS H M E RE SWEATER AND H E ATE D V E ST.”

“ I grew up on a farm next to a huge forest. I always feel at home among the trees. I have a chronic illness that often keeps me from doing the things I want to do. When that gets me down, I head to the forest. – Rebekah

F E AT U R E

“My writing room is tucked away at the back of our family home. It is quiet here and overlooks the garden; my husband planted my favorite pink and white daisies outside my window. It is here that I wrote my latest novel. – Huma

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P H OTOGRAP H Y BY KARINA STE V E NS

“I love that feeling of coming home, coming back to somewhere that leaves me feeling lighter at the door, like I can leave the world behind me. In the winter, I love the feeling of writing in here with the lights and heat on as the sky grows dark outside. It is cozy, and comforting but above all gives me a sense of calm and certainty that I am where I should be.

FEATURED WOMAN:

HUMA QURESHI Huma Qureshi is the critically acclaimed author of four books, including How We Met: A Memoir of Love and Other Misadventures; the short story collection Things We Do Not Tell The People We Love; The Jam Maker, which won the Harper’s Bazaar short story prize; and her debut novel Playing Games, which was published by Sceptre in November.

SW E AT E R : T H E GRE AT. “G O O D DE NIM, P R E T T Y B LO U S E S , AND GO R GE O U S K N I T WE AR MAK E ME H AP PY. I P R E F E R INVE ST ING IN P I E C E S T H AT I K NOW I W ILL W E AR AGAIN A N D AGAIN, AND T H IS PA RT I C U L AR C A R DIG AN IS O NE O F MY FAVO R IT E S . IT ’ S S IMPLE B U T P R E T T Y WIT H A P O P O F CO LO R— I GU E SS T H AT ’ S MY ST YLE .” VER I LY M AGA Z IN E • WIN TE R 2024

P H OTOGRAP H Y BY BRADY PAP PAS

“When I need to recenter myself, I make a cup of tea and find a cozy spot to take a quiet moment. If that’s out of reach, then even simply stepping out onto my porch for a deep breath or walking the length of my garden and back again helps me feel more grounded and present.”

FEATURED WOMAN:

STEVIE STORCK Stevie Storck is a writer, interior designer, and founder of Cross Quarter Club, a creative seasonal living group for women in York County, Pennsylvania. Her multidisciplinary work is rooted in connection to creativity, nature, and community as a pathway to healing.

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ABOUT STEV IE ’S OUTF ITS : “ FOR M E , FEELI NG AT H OM E IN M Y CLOTH E S I S ABOUT FE E L IN G P RE TTY A N D P UT TOGETHER BUT COM FORTA BL E . IN MY THI RTI E S , I F IN D I A M KE E P IN G UP WI TH TR E N DS L E SS A N D WEAR I NG W H AT I’V E A LWAYS LOV E D TO WEAR M ORE . N ATURA L F IBE RS LI KE COTTO N A N D L IN E N J UST F E E L BEST ON M Y BODY. F LOWY M ID ILENGTH DRE SS E S A RE A FAVORITE .”

“In this season of life, my focus is primarily on home and family. I’ve spent a lot of time and intention trying to make our house and garden as beautiful and nurturing as I can. With two young daughters, it’s often a mess, but it’s also a haven—my little corner of the world where I get to be creative and where I feel most at ease.” – Stevie

F E AT U R E

“This shop has always helped to inspire my own creative work. I built a love of portraiture and creating photo stories from working with craftspeople, farmers, and other local folk, meeting them at the shop and finding common ground in our love for the space. It brings a sense of tranquility I’ve only otherwise found outside in nature. I’ve got happy memories here; it’s been filled with laughs and the building of creative visions with people I admire.” – Lauren

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P H OTOGRAP H Y BY L AURE N WIIG

“There are so many amazing people who weave stories into what they create. I find that being in touch with my heritage and with local makers and artists helps to ground me. This sweater is one of a few pieces I have in my wardrobe that was knitted a long time ago by my greatgrandmother. It makes me feel close to my family and serves as a reminder of my roots, my story, and that we are never alone. I feel by wearing it that it ties a piece of my own heritage into my daily life.”

FEATURED WOMAN:

LAUREN WIIG Lauren Wiig is a photographer, exhibition coordinator, and a director of Craftmongers, a company based on the outskirts of Dartmoor, UK, that sells traditional craft and brings together a community of over 70 local and international makers.

SW E AT E R : V INTAG E , “ K N I T T E D BY MY GRE ATGR ANDMOT H E R E VA TO TAC K L E T H E CO L D NO RDIC W INT E R S .” OV E R ALLS : “ F R O M A V I NTAGE STO RE IN DE N MA R K . MOST O F MY C LOT H E S A R E FO UND IN C H A R IT Y S H O P S .”

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POETRY COMPETITION WINNERS Last fall we ran our inaugural poetry competition on the theme of “home.” The truly outstanding entries were a joy to read. Enjoy our top three, A NOTE FROM OUR GUEST JUDGE

The collective poetic strength showcased here made this contest a delightfully difficult task. As I sat and savored these poems, a deep wave of gratitude rose up within me—for the power and beauty of words, for women’s desire to speak their truth, and for the collective yearning that has drawn humans to poetry since ancient times. Poetry takes a step beyond even the most beautiful prose, distilling a magnitude of experience and emotion into a single work of art: a particular moment, revelation, or encounter told with such skill and sharpness that it becomes universal. The best poetry does what my wise writing teacher advised every writer to do: to drop so deeply into the well of your own particularity that you tap into the aquifer of human experience. For this reason, I found “Lullaby in E Minor” to be the strongest poem (among an exceedingly deep pool from which to draw!). At first read, I found myself drawn into the evocative description of a mother “sleep-trapped” under a child—an experience I remember well. But upon second and third readings, I realized the poem could easily speak to the sacrifice of a caregiver or the complexity of a romantic relationship. This is the mark of poetic genius: to speak simultaneously to multiple parts of the human condition and make so many of us (or so many facets with our own selves) feel seen, especially within complicated circumstances that we struggle to put into everyday language. I love how the poet plays with multiple layers of “home,” our theme for this poetry contest. There is the physical home in which we picture the narrator, the natural world which is a home for pollinators, lily pads, and starfish, and finally the emotional state at the end: a restless home of

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exhaustion or unease or acceptance, yet still a place of tender love. The poem both unsettles and comforts, asks questions without answers, and draws us into an intimate reflection upon our own expectations of home—met or unmet. This is a lullaby in a minor key, after all: a song that soothes yet aches. This poem shows strength of craft and depth of thought, and its cadence keeps pulling me back—which feels like home, too. Coming close on its heels are two poems that speak directly to home in their titles—“The Homemaker” and “Homesick”— yet both stand fresh in their particularity and sense of place. “The Homemaker” creates its own intricate world of tiny homes, well-known to all of us who were children once. Yet it also speaks to home as nature, home as daily vocational task, and even home as universe—evoking by its end the vision of Julian of Norwich who saw creation contained in a single hazelnut. Turning from this joy of possibility, “Homesick” speaks to the strange home-not-home of hospital life and the ache of a mother who cannot yet make the home she wants for her child. The heartbreak of the question “Can it be ‘home’ when you’ve never been there?” and the echoes of St. Thérèse of Lisieux’s famous line “The world is thy ship, not thy home” lift this poem beyond the particular grief of loving a sick baby by inviting all of us into its loving embrace: all of us who have felt out of sorts, adrift, or alone. Ultimately, home holds joy, grief, and mystery. What a gift to have multiple facets of this rich reality lifted up for us into the light by these three poets and how they shine. - LAURA KELLY FANUCCI

FIRST PRIZE WINNER

LULLABY IN E MINOR It is summer now, somehow already over. The paving explodes with its passing, cannot be held without scalding. I’ve lost count of the hours I’ve spent lying, holding someone else’s sleep in place. Is this a trap or mesmerized devotion? Does milkweed hypnotize and pull her pollinators close? How can I express this purely— lily pads unfurl their edges skyward, starfish fingers stretch in want of warmth, of milk —tenderness means something new. We’re swept into a quiet cycle: when the dust rushes in, it douses us before settling. I thought I’d be more lifegiving than this, this mother-ness. But you emerged and I’ve discovered no rest left, not mine to dress and keep—simply given over.

BY AL AY NA NAGU RNY K E L L E R Alayna is a writer, mother, and beauty-seeker living in Northern Virginia. She has an MFA in Poetry from George Mason University, where she served as the 2017-2018 Heritage Fellow in Poetry. Her poems have been published previously in The Denver Quarterly.

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RUNNER UP

THE HOMEMAKER My daughter makes houses like God makes flowers With tenderness and intricacy, Scattered helter-skelter and uprooted in a moment. Here’s one, a tangle of twigs and torn azaleas, And another arranged in cardboard and tissue paper. I find them all over—homes for dolls and displaced fairies. My daughter sees home everywhere even in the most finite spaces. The orb weaver’s web; the song bird’s nest; the paper wasp’s fragile haunt. “What is it like in there?” she wants to know. But we can only wonder and look in from the outside. I too am making a home. I bake bread, light candles, tack up paintings by Cassatt; I sweep and scrub and pray that angels abide with us. But for now my daughter looks out from the inside, to what infinite wonders abound in this world. One day I’ll show her a medieval prayer nut, made intricately and tenderly five hundred years ago. Christ’s first home enclosed in a boxwood globe, and he the infinitesimal babe in his mother’s arms. We’ll look within and wonder how infinity could be bounded in a nutshell. And will she remember my bread and candlelight? Our home in memory, a bounded infinity.

BY DOMI NI KA RAMOS Dominika Ramos holds a B.A. in English from the University of St. Thomas, Houston. She is a former English and philosophy high school teacher and currently homeschools her three young children.

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RUNNER UP

I: HOMESICK Sometimes I would like to walk and Keep on walking Until my legs are hot and alive And I am able to breathe, full and deep And exhale, with my shoulders. Walk through time And space. I could tuck you in next to my chest And walk with you Away from the clinical smell and incessant beeps To somewhere from before When we were all together And we were happy. II: Home This morning I made a decision. I took you, my tiny little soft, cross bundle, And I disconnected you from the machines, And I took you behind the curtain, And I hesitated, but I pulled it shut. You and me, unmonitored, unseen. For the first time, you are mine. And I carried you into my fold-out hospital bed And I tucked you into the crook of my arm And for the first time we lay down together And we looked at each other and we breathed. And for the first time You are mine. III: Your Ship “What’s his home address” the nurse asks “Just confirm for his meds.” I look at your tiny body wreathed in wires and tubes And I wonder; Can it be “home” when you’ve never been there? Passed from doctor to doctor As the shifts turn over A blur of wards, lifts, corridors Cocooned in your tiny ship And we wait. Home seems like a secret prayer, unobtainable. But the thought of you and the shape of you —They are there. And there is a place there prepared for you. You are loved there, and longed for And I know: It must be your Home; you were made to be there.

BY ANNAB E L OS B ORN Annabel is a home-educating mother of five, currently living in the UK. Her youngest child, born in Sept ‘23, has been in NICU / PICU since birth for a cardiac condition and she is currently living there with him. Autumn is her favourite month and she loves history, design and the way her children see the world.

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“THE ACHE FOR HOME LIVES IN ALL OF US. THE SAFE PLACE WHERE WE CAN GO AS WE ARE AND NOT BE QUESTIONED.” – MAYA ANGE LOU

What does home mean to you? Where have you felt most at home? How might you recollect and bring aspects of that to wherever you are?

FINISHING TOUCHES

SUBSCRIPTIONS AND EXPERIENCES TO ENJOY IN THE NEW YEAR NUULY CLOTHING RENTAL

6 Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters-style looks $98/YEAR

AMERICAN HORTICULTURAL SOCIETY MEMBERSHIP

SILK AND SONDER JOURNAL

free admission to 360+ public

SUBSCRIPTION

gardens and arboreta throughout

monthly journals themed to boost

North America plus The American

self-care and productivity

Gardener magazine

$24.96/MO OR $189/YEAR

$35/MO

VERILY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION

4 quarterly print magazines $60/YEAR (or $5/month)

VINYL ME, PLEASE

1 exclusive record delivered

BOUQ’S SUBSCRIPTION

monthly

ethically sourced flowers

$36/MO

delivered monthly $44/MO

FEMM CYCLE TRACKING

the menstrual cycle-tracking app is free

V ER I LY MAGAZI NE • WINT E R 2024

but the the 1-on-1 consultation monthly is

GATHER BY GRACE ALEXANDER FLOWERS

great for beginners learning about their

an online membership for flower lovers, with

fertility health

a seed shop for those who want to grow their

$35/CONSULTATION

very own English cottage style garden £15

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THIS MAGAZINE IS FIGHTING HOMELESSNESS. A percentage of the proceeds from your purchase will be donated to home-building organizations.

V E R I LY MAGAZI NE • WINT E R 2024