It only counts if you saw a penis

Words Nikita Skuse Artwork Emma Horner

“My idea of queer female sex was formed from lesbian porn categories made for straight males.”

“I’ve only ever slept with women, so this is new to me,” I admitted to the sweaty English boy on top of me. A tinder date arranged out of boredom and quite frankly a lack of anything better to do during my mid-semester break had led me to his dingy share house. Barely a ginger eyebrow lifted on his face in response to the confession I had been so nervous to give. As he began poking his way around my lady garden I thought to myself, “Wow, what a woke guy! So accepting of my queerness!”

Alas, the dreamy thoughts about this seemingly romantic British gentleman came to an abrupt halt soon enough. Not long into doing the deed, we called it a day. Not for any particular reason, it just wasn’t as thrilling as I thought it would be when I finally tried shagging a boy, so I asked him to stop. I apologized profusely for leaving him blue-balled and explained how embarrassed and awkward I felt. To which he replied, “It’s okay, losing your virginity is awkward for everyone.”

“Excuse me?” I asked, “Do you not recall the conversation we had while you were dripping sweat on me about how I have, in fact, had sex before only with women?”

“Oh yeah but, like, it doesn’t really count unless there’s a dick,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“It doesn’t really count unless there’s a dick.”

And in that moment I could have killed that greasy boy on top of me. The conversation continued with him explaining that of course, no form of oral sex is real sex because then every teenage boy who received a blow job would be losing their virginity far too easily; and that maybe if there had been a strap-on or some kind of penetrative toy involved in my lesbian sex escapades, then he would consider my claim of non-virginity to be valid but with some hesitation. And finally, he ended on the suggestion that if I ever would like to try again with a man, I should bring one of my lady friends over to his man cave for some three-way thrills. Needless to say, I have never gotten dressed and exited a building quicker.

And so, I have decided to take it upon myself to teach the world what it means to have sex because apparently there are still people living in the 21 st century that can’t quite comprehend what the term entails; which is baffling, I know.

Firstly, I ask you if an 80-year-old queer lady has been rubbing crotches with other pretty ladies her whole life, is she still a virgin? Has she been mistaken her entire life, discovering only now, thanks to the wisdom of this ginger Brit, that really all she’s spent her life doing actually counted for nothing?

I’m going to answer that for you: no, of course not. That woman is a certified slayer and her sex counts just as much as any straight person.

Moving on from grandma’s love life, let me hit you with some facts. An American study by Chapman University, Indiana University, and the Kinsey Institute found that 86 per cent of lesbians reported to always or usually orgasm during sex. This number dropped considerably to 65 per cent for straight women. In another study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it was found that only 18 per cent of women could orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. It almost seems that if a penis is thrown into the works, sex becomes less real if anything.

Although, maybe I can’t blame people for having misshapen beliefs around sex when they’re being fed myths from every which way. When searching the online Macquarie Dictionary to try and find a definition of sex that would prove my point, I was disappointed. When looking up the phrase ‘sexual intercourse,’ I was met with two definitions. To be fair, the first was actually very reasonable: “sexual contact involving the genitals of at least one of the individuals.” A well-rounded definition by my standards. No mention of gender or specific genitals or any focus on penetration. The second was not so reasonable. It read: “sexual union between a male and a female by the vagina, usually resulting in ejaculation by the male; coitus; copulation.” I don’t know what frustrated me more by this: the fact that this definition sees sex as an experience solely shared between a male and female; or that only male ejaculation is mentioned or cared about. I can only assume it must have been written by a man. All anyone with access to wi-fi has to do is a quick google search of ‘sex’ to be shown hundreds of regurgitations of this same definition. No wonder people are being led astray.

And now don’t even get me started on the sex education systems in place in schools. Not once throughout my high school career did I learn about queer sex, or female pleasure. My sex education for those things had to come from the internet, which as we just discovered is obviously unreliable. My idea of queer female sex was formed from lesbian porn categories made for straight males. I received a rude shock when I discovered it isn’t all as smooth and easy as the pretty teenage girl and her lonely step-mum made it seem on screen.

Maybe if we had proper sex education in schools, and if the media stopped telling us misconstrued tales of sex, there wouldn’t be such a misunderstanding in our society about what the term entails. Maybe men like this British friend of mine wouldn’t think that their penises are the be all and end all, and instead would understand that there are many complexities to the female orgasm that their wands cannot magically or instantly solve. Maybe queer people would feel valid and understood, and not have to try and defend or explain their sexual experiences to strangers.

Just to get things clear, by no means am I trying to dis willies. Nor am I trying to invalidate the experiences of heterosexual couples. In fact, I’ve been dating a male for quite some time now and I have nothing but good things to report (so far). All I’m trying to say is that sex comes in many different shapes and forms and liquids and odours and tastes. Penis in vagina is not the only way to lose your virginity (which, by the way, is a completely bogus social construct that should be outdated by now anyway, but that’s a whole other can of worms). Sex should be whatever you want it to be and no filthy tinder matches have the right to tell you any differently.

So go forth you horny hooligans and shag whoever you want, however you want (with consent and safe practices always, please) and know that if you want it to count then it counts. Even if you didn’t see a penis. ☐