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Edition 33 2020
It only counts if you saw a penis Words Nikita Skuse Artwork Emma Horner
“My idea of queer female sex was formed from lesbian porn categories made for straight males.” 4
“I’ve only ever slept with women, so this is new to me,” I admitted to the sweaty English boy on top of me. A tinder date arranged out of boredom and quite frankly a lack of anything better to do during my mid-semester break had led me to his dingy share house. Barely a ginger eyebrow lifted on his face in response to the confession I had been so nervous to give. As he began poking his way around my lady garden I thought to myself, “Wow, what a woke guy! So accepting of my queerness!” Alas, the dreamy thoughts about this seemingly romantic British gentleman came to an abrupt halt soon enough. Not long into doing the deed, we called it a day. Not for any particular reason, it just wasn’t as thrilling as I thought it would be when I finally tried shagging a boy, so I asked him to stop. I apologized profusely for leaving him blue-balled and explained how embarrassed and awkward I felt. To which he replied, “It’s okay, losing your virginity is awkward for everyone.” “Excuse me?” I asked, “Do you not recall the conversation we had while you were dripping sweat on me about how I have, in fact, had sex before only with women?” “Oh yeah but, like, it doesn’t really count unless there’s a dick,” he replied matter-of-factly. “It doesn’t really count unless there’s a dick.” And in that moment I could have killed that greasy boy on top of me. The conversation continued with him explaining that of course, no form of oral sex is real sex because then every teenage boy who received a blow job would be losing their virginity far too easily; and that maybe if there had been a strap-on or some kind of penetrative toy involved in my lesbian sex escapades, then he would consider my claim of non-virginity to be valid but with some hesitation. And finally, he ended on the suggestion that if I ever would like to try again with a man, I should bring one of my lady friends over to his man cave for some three-way thrills. Needless to say, I have never gotten dressed and exited a building quicker. And so, I have decided to take it upon myself to teach the world what it means to have sex because apparently there are still people living in the 21st century that can’t quite comprehend what the term entails; which is baffling, I know. Firstly, I ask you if an 80-year-old queer lady has been rubbing crotches with other pretty ladies her whole life, is she still a virgin? Has she been mistaken her entire life, discovering only now, thanks to the wisdom of this ginger Brit, that really all she’s spent her life doing actually counted for nothing?
