LIFTED TO A HIGHER SELF by
Alana blaylock
Healing after hitting rock bottom. I didn’t think it was possible. My journey started a year ago. For the majority of my life, I’ve occupied the role as the “together one,” holding myself to high standards while being equally tough on my inner standards. In life, we all enter seasons that define us. It wasn’t until I encountered my “breaking” season where my perfectionist model shattered leaving me to pick up my life by the pieces. March 23 , 2017 marks the day that shook and crumbled my entire world. “I CAN’T BREATHE!”, I screamed as I abruptly woke from a cold sweat in the middle of the night. This was after weeks of waking up at 2am, my body filled with anxiety. I immediately called my mother and she suggested that I head to the hospital to have a doctor check my heart rate. It was my first diagnosed panic attack. There the doctor prescribed me with an extremely high dose of Xanax, sending me even more over the edge. For 120 pound me, 5 mg a day was too high of a dosage to begin my healing journey. In retrospect, I really should have been given less, but hey I’m not a doctor. It was the onset of long-term mania that led me down a deep spiral. A week after I went into mania, I looked and started behaving like a hot mess. You see, I hadn’t been sleeping and my sleep deprivation left me feeling inadequate. Meanwhile, this TV Producer’s life was turning into a full on sitcom! It shifted from a glitzy episode of “Power” to a terrifying episode of “Intervention.” Things got so bad that my family actually did do an intervention on me. I wasn’t taking my meds because I believed I could lock myself away and pray that my anxiety and depression would disappear. But each day I neglected my pills and did my own thing. My reflection in the mirror started to become unrecognizable. I was unable to shake this time warp of a nightmare no matter how many yoga chants I did or sleeping pills I consumed. Deep down, I knew a major change had to occur; that nothing was going to change unless I took a drastic step. That’s when I booked a flight and checked myself into a specialized hospital in the desert. I traded oak trees and the Metropolitan landscape for cacti, wildlife, and picturesque mountains you see on postcards. It was the catalyst I needed to help me stabilize. However, a few days into rehab, I felt like it wasn’t for me -- like I was totally over it. 25
