Three Strands

ARE YOU LISTENING?

written by Cindy Southworth

Always be willing to listen and slow to speak. (James 1:19)

The most frequently asked question of relationship coaches is: How can we become better communicators? There are three components to communication: talking, listening, and responding. We begin by articulately expressing ourselves through talking. Then we better our listening skills, which leads to better responding skills.

John Maxwell, in his book Relationships 101, says, “Treat every person as if he or she were the most important person in the world.” While having coffee with a friend recently, she said, “You are SO EASY to talk to!” Perhaps it is because I have learned the art of listening. People think you care when you listen to them. Listening radiates empathy to the speaker.

What are the barriers to being a good listener? Dr. Maxwell shares why people do not feel like they are being heard.

The listener:

· Does not place enough value on what the other person has to say. Do you ever try to talk to someone when they are preoccupied with their cell phone, electronic tablet, TV, or newspaper? Or perhaps they tell you how you feel instead of asking you how you feel? People feel invalidated when the person they are talking to does not give them their full attention. Listen with intention. Check your body language to make sure it reads, “I care.” Respond with feedback that lets them know you are listening with clarity.

· Wants to impress others by showing how smart and intuitive they are. It is easy to quickly become aware that a person is not listening because they are thinking about what they are going to say next. The person is more interested in letting you know what he or she knows about the issue rather than listening to what you have to say. The introverted speaker may throw up her hands and shut down. The extrovert may become combative and insist she be heard. Actions speak louder than words. Stop thinking about what you want to say until the person has finished their sentence and put a period on it. Then begin to think about how you want to respond.

· Is too excited by the conversation to let the other person finish talking. An effective way to combat this problem is to write a quick note to yourself about what you want to add to the conversation; a couple words are enough to jog your memory, so that when the speaker is finished, you can add value to the conversation with your input. Interrupting the speaker only makes her feel invalidated, and the exciting conversation you thought you were having can quickly come to a halt.

Your focus, as you listen, should be on understanding the speaker and determining what they need during the conversation. You provide emotional safety by showing them how much you care and asking non threatening questions that will allow them to connect with you on a deeper emotional level.

If you genuinely want to improve your communication skills, become a better listener. Your spouse will thank you for it.

Cindy Jacob Southworth has an M.S. in Counseling Studies, is an AACC Certified Relationship Coach and John Maxwell certified coach. She and her husband David have been in full-time marriage ministry since 2005 and pioneered the Marriage 911 intensive and women’s BreakThrough retreats. They have also developed the UP Leadership program, that prepares couples for marriage ministry. Recently retired in central Florida, they devote their time now to writing and developing leaders for ministry and enjoying their nine grandchildren. You can learn more about them by watching their story at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qaX- MBxUyE&t=11s.